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Recent content by drakensis

  1. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    The first five parts of the Addendum repeat what's in the chapter. What's the point? I don't see why the rest couldn't have been part of the chapter. "Yvonne Davion Champion" is used twice times. It is not appropriate use. Yvonne Davion is the Prince's Champion, but that's a job not an...
  2. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    You haven't brought up Morgan Hasek-Davion, who would currently be about the age David was when Andrew discovered his thinking. Also, in canon, Hanse Davion's first fiancee was someone he met preparing for Halstead Station (and who died there after he'd proposed). Hanse should certainly have a...
  3. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Takashi Kurita's battlemech of choice in this era was a Battlemaster, not a Warhammer. A Warhammer in 2nd SoL color suggests Yorinaga. There was at least one use of Mallory, rather than Mallory's World. I noticed it in the previous chapter but it worked there as an abbreviation under the stress...
  4. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Hanse and Ian's conversation about the captured jumpship takes place twice. I barely had to scroll between the instances.. I think the first one shouldn't be there. One belonged to Arden. - you mean Ardan "You're flying that all the way back?" - Valkyrie battlemechs don't fly unless...
  5. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I wasn't sure if you were going with Ian's last stand or not.
  6. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Your redundancy has kicked in again. Northwind and to a lesser extent David need some trimming.
  7. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    The Northwind Highlanders section basically repeats the previous chapter's section on them. The Marduk sections are out of chronological order. The discussion of the Galtor Borders being rated green happens twice. The second version is better written and better placed.
  8. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I think you had the Waylands examined twice by the Dragoons.
  9. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    The use of deck parking reminds me of the Royal Navy's deep suspicion of that, one of the reasons their air groups were smaller than the USN's in WWII. The North Sea and North Atlantic were very fond of fleet air arm aircraft. They kept stealing them from deck parks. Wet navy carrier doctrine...
  10. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    It's a good chapter overall. I particularly liked the Edward parts, although I fear you are slipping back into redundancy. You could have stood to remove one of the repetitions of his kill count being discussed. As a logistical matter, the 1st Dragonlords didn't have to come all the way back to...
  11. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I like how this is going. The O'Gordon's Rifle events aren't in chronological order, I'm not sure that's intentional. Paragraphs are spaced but you're still using very few paragraphs with more than one sentence. Sometimes that's stylistic, but it can cause confusion over who is speaking...
  12. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Not double-spacing paragraphs can be problematic to read. You're 'getting away with it' because you have short paragraphs, which are unfortunately sometimes - only sometimes - too short. Please contrast to this for the final section: Outside Mount Davion, winter had settled across New Avalon...
  13. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I hope your situation improves.
  14. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Some repetition of the Old Guards rejecting people. I remain unclear about what happened to Tsamma to have Capellan occupation. Its rather deep inside the Federated Suns by my understanding. Reference to Kittery Militia may be better expressed as their Home Guard which is what they call their...
  15. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    In your own time.
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