How I, Dirt Pile, Managed to Destroy the Equestria Universe

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 1: Basic Bitch



"You know George Washington Carver made the first computer out of a peanut?"
​

Much to my surprise, the book titled 'Oh shit, I am a Pony Now!!' held no helpful information on what to do when one was suddenly found themselves turned into an anthropomorphic pony. At least, that was the right term to be used, I assume. I wasn't some weird mix between human and pony alike; simply pony.

Boringly plain, I might say.

Throwing the book to the side, I leaned back in my chair, and brought a hoof across my forehead and my sides, making sure I hadn't accidently missed anything during the last forty-eight times I had acted out on this procedure.

Nope, not at all.

I was an Earth Pony, with a coat so plain, I might as well have been called Dirt Pile. Actually, that will be my name now, I refused to let anybody tell me otherwise. Fuck it, my one start of solidarity in this new alien world. Still, the small bit of amusement that gave me did nothing to quell the disappointment growing within myself.

Out of all pony races, I had to be born as the Earth Pony, the bottom feeding race. Sure, they had super strength, but that was usually reserved to main characters and characters related to main characters for the most part. I didn't even know where the hell I was, let alone who my parents were.

A look in a mirror once more showed me my generically colored speckled brown coat, and my similarly colored dirt-brown mane and tail. There went my dreams of instantly pulling hot pony babes left and right by virtue of being born as the right race; hell, I'd even make sure to throw in the faux shy tactic all these punks did to really sell the innocent act.

I leaned forward and fell to four feet. Hooves, or maybe feet worked? I'd hardly paid enough attention to the inner intricacies of the show to really know which was the better word. And by show, I meant My Little Pony.

Didn't take me long to realize where I had ended up. Took just about under two minutes, I reckon. From the colorful palette that layered everything in front of me, to my sudden lack of hands, and the gay lisp that came with every word I said, it'd be damn near impossible for me to not notice where the hell I was.

"Yeah, I'm a real clopper now."

I winced at the sound of my new voice. It had this… lack of presence, I wanted to say? There were a lot of words I could use to describe it, but I'll go with the simplest explanation for everyone to get. It made me sound like a total bitch, the type of guy who unironically got shoved in lockers and had themselves raised on the flagpole by their underwear.

I'd have to fix that voice sooner or later, and the same could be said with this admittedly subpar body of mine.

Well, at least I wouldn't have to worry about the second half of that sentence; a quick look through the cabinets in my room revealed no signs of underwear. Which could either be a good thing, or a bad thing. Depending on what that type of clothing meant in this world for ponies.

Now though, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself and bemoan about how unfortunate it was that I hadn't taken the unicorn-pill in this new life, or I could anti-angst like a boss. And the latter sounded like a much smarter decision. Being proactive was the key to surviving new situations after all. I'm pretty sure I heard that from some Investigation Discovery show, but it seemed legit enough to not immediately go into the 'bullshit' folder in my mind.

I opened the door, and went down the stairs. If I thought this was my house before, these stairs definitely erased any notion of that idea from my mind. Termites had taken hold within my home, and every step on the stairs was a gamble between a nice life and an abrupt trip to the hospital. On the plus side, it did make for a pretty good haunted house during the one time we decided to host.

Alright, first things first.

A shower.

Fur was new to me, but something told me it shouldn't be feeling this flakey…

— 2 —
​

Oh God, that water turned cold quick!

I honestly preferred it that way, helped me wake up and not go for the obvious option of lying in bed and somehow sleep my way back to Earth. The fact that I lacked a phone to doomscroll with while I laid on my bed also happened to be a major contributing factor. No way for me to be a completely unproductive member of society that easily here.

So instead of being a waste of space, I thanked Dirt Pile for having the foresight to have a knapsack in his room. Or maybe that was just the standard around here for earth ponies. Wasn't like they could just levitate their belongings with them everywhere they went like unicorns, or carry them with faux-wing-hands. We got to do everything with our hooves, including eating! Which was kind of gross if you thought about it, so I chose not to.

Everything was just reminding me that I'd gotten the short end of the stick. Even worse was how winded this body got just taking a few steps. Dirt Pile mustbes just been having fun just sitting around and being a useless fuck all day; that would have to be remidied.

But on the bright side… I had money!

If this was Earth, I would've already been jumping around in my world, hollering up a storm about how 'I'd just struck it rich'. Actually, I would make sure to do that once I had moved to a better neighborhood; bragging about that was a nice way of inviting the ferryman over for a permanent visit.

I packed myself the bits, a notebook and pencils, and… that was it? I mean, there were books, but I hardly was in the mood to do any reading right now. Especially after the absolutely useless book I had the mistake of previously looking into. Whenever I had the time, I would be sure to clean out the filth from the useful in Dirt Pile's bookshelves.

My house was pretty nice, all things considered. Yeah, the rooms were small, and there weren't too many of them, but seeing as how I was the only pony living in these quarters, it made sense. I idly wondered if the pony before me was renting the place, or if it had been bought out. I hoped it was the latter, if only for the beautiful view the balcony provided me; nicer than some Florida condos I'd taken a look at.

Though, maybe comparing Florida to Canterlot wasn't much of a comparison in good faith on any day.

How did I know it was the Canterlot? The giant castle that should've fallen years ago was quite a striking visual marker. I felt a sense of wonder tremble through my body at the sight, at the idea that I was breathing the same air Celestia breathed. The same air that all these magical beings lived and existed in for all their lives.

And now, I was one of them.

I headed out into the magical air of a magical city in a magical world, my entire being filled with a word that erupted through me with the step of each hoof.

Excitement.

— 3 —
​

"Hey, who's Nightmare Moon?"

The unicorn pony in the silly tophat and fancy suit looked at me long and hard, like I'd just asked if the Sun really did raise itself in the sky every morning. Evidently, this was not the question he expected to hear when I offered a penny for his time. "Are you an orphan, young colt?"

I shrugged. "Good question, I'll get back to you when I have an answer."

That answer was probably no, but I wasn't in any rush to go ahead and get that checked. Being tied down by parents would only get in the way of my very important plans. Important plans that were known to me only, apparently.

I hadn't yet gotten some strange dream, or suddenly turned into an alicorn during my mini-walk, so it looked like I would have to pick up the slack. I never was the best with open ended questions like these.

What I did know was that I was in Canterlot sometime before canon. Not too helpful in deciphering exactly when in the timeline I was though; it could be any time from a month, to a year to a thousand years. Probably not that far, I doubted the castle was that old.

Guess, I'd have to find out when the time came.

For now though? I would hold hope that I was somewhere within the lines of the canon timeline. Not too much of a point in me going around to interact with ponies I hadn't seen from behind a screen before.

And from what I knew of the show, Twilight Sparkle was busy being a giant shut-in geek before she had been all but forced to head out to Ponyville by the powers that be. Gave me a bit of some structure in my future Equestria goals.

Still, roaming through Canterlot to find Twilight Sparkle would have to wait until I got a handle on her routine. The show had barely given us any real knowledge on her day-to-day life outside of being a total shut-in, but I'm sure that super powered mind could come of use to me.

To what end? Using her for some of my greatest wishes? Hmm, ehh, making contact with her? Sounded like a good enough reason to me. That was all the reason I needed to stalk an underaged teenage pony girl in another world.

Was I a creep?

Only if that was a law in Equestria!

Note to self, check Equestria's legislation for any anti-stalking laws…

These were the same folks who left magical artifacts lying around for any random schmuck to just take them for their own use. It wouldn't surprise me if there was no such thing in Equestria. Would definitely explain how Pinkie Pie managed to get away with so much nonsense.

But back to Twilight, I knew she had some giant ass tower she spent most of her time in. Some observatory of sorts. It couldn't be too hard to find that in Canterlot. I already had a few ideas in mind of where to start, and the giant castle that constantly laid in the corner of my eye was not an acceptable answer.

The area of Canterlot I was in reminded me of some of the lesser cities back home. A nice enough place for dignified gentlemen to allow themselves to commit crime in. Not that I had seen any pony mafiamen around, but it was just the general vibe I had been getting from the area.

I was drawn out of my thoughts until I saw a pony selling hats on the side of the road. Some of those hats were ones that definitely did not belong in this world, but whatever. I wasn't too focused on those. Instead, it was the Businessman's Stetson that caught my gaze. It then suddenly came to me that I had no idea what stuff in this world actually cost; I could be getting myself ripped-off here without even knowing it. My eyes then flickered to the price-tag.

Thirty-five bits.

Well, I had bits for a reason.

I walked away with a Stetson seated atop my head. It made me feel less naked, if that was the fitting word. I'd grown used to having something on top of my head at all times. Not having a hood to pull over my head gave me the same awkward sensation I felt whenever I decided to cut down on my hair.

Afterward, I walked into a local foodshop and ordered the cheapest item on the menu. Daisy sandwiches for two bits each. Always good to spend cheap right after a big purchase. I ordered two of them.

That and some of the darkest deep-press coffee an Earth Pony could get themselves.

I sat outside, pony-watching as I went down on some admittedly delicious food. I knew I was a pony now, but damn, daisy sandwiches just might be one of the best things ever. I ignored the strange looks sent my way as my tongue did a mini dance in my mouth.

Reaching over my shoulder, I pulled my notebook out of my sack and started to write down the important goals.

Shower every day.

Work out.

Save The World (maybe?? Not really my job…)

Don't be a total loser (ME)

Make contact with cute pony waifus

Stalk Twilight Sparkle

Observe Twilight Sparkle

I tapped a hoof against my chin. "I'm missing something here."

A few seconds later I added, 'get a hold of grappling-gun and/or explosives' to the list.

 

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 2: Left Foot Lets Stomp



"I have never once met a woman worth talking to. No, I'm not gay. Yes, I appreciate the male form much more than the female."
​

"Oh, y'know… blowing shit up. Terrorism."

The mare behind the counter gave me a long look, her eyes flickering to the bottles of sanitizer I was putting into my bag. "Now that's rather crass language for a young colt like yourself, isn't it?"

How old was I really? I'd stood in front of the mirror a bunch of times, trying to come to the answer of that myself, but I couldn't quite place a pony-face to age the same way I would with a person. From what I could remember of the actual show, I don't think I looked older than any of the main cast had been in season one. And I definitely doubted I was somewhere under the age of thirteen; I had woken up in that building all alone.

Dirt Pile didn't seem to have an answer, not with me drinking a connection of part high dose caffeine, liquor, and antiadenosin-filled energy drink. Just drank and drank until my hooves didn't seem like toys that I didn't want anymore.

Because oh God no, I don't want these things, is that how they really work- Just drink. Where are my fingers, oh my Christ where is my nose. Just drink.

Why is the world like tha— what is this how do I eve—

Just drink.

Because this was the new normal.

Old enough; that age old answer seemed to be the only appropriate one. No one had outright stopped me on the streets, though that didn't mean I went without weird looks when ponies thought I wasn't looking.

"Sorry ma'am," I said, not quite holding back the snark in my tone. If that was crass, I wonder what the rest my tongue had to offer would look like. "I'm just another one of these no-good teenagers; nothin' special 'bout me here."

Already, I was slipping into a drawl. Back home, I considered it a fun little trick to do, casually dropping my tone from 'proper English' to somethin' reminiscent of a southern lexicon. Ignorant folk liked to call it an Alabama accent, but I'd never once stepped foot in that state.

I quickly left the store before the funny looking mare could spare me any other damning questions. Had to thank my lucky stars that we weren't in the States. Those words alone along with my current fur complexion would've been more than enough to have me gunned down where I stood. God bless the Equestria that hadn't implemented a PATRIOT Act. Still, it wasn't as if I hadn't been getting odd looks all around.

A trip to one of the fancier stores had ponies looking at me as if I'd just crawled out of the garbage chute and started dancing on the tapestry. Well, I might as well have done that and more with just how vicious their stares were. Made sense though, in a twisted manner of speech. They were the upper class unicorn elite and I were just an earth pony in a classy Stetson.

That was mostly correct; within the past few weeks in Equestria, I'd made sure to get my hooves on some collared shirts. Wasn't a point in going to the gym if I didn't have a shirt to fill out; that was half the fun in going. Getting to wear shirts that you totally accidentally put on and being surprised by how much your arms filled out your sleeves was the true reward at the end of many hours of dedication.

Though, I lacked arms now. Missed those things; now I had to rear up on my hind legs to flex properly, and that whole act was an exercise in keeping balance more than anything else.

Even lifting stuff up was an exercise in of itself, at least when I consciously thought about it. If I didn't, then picking up items, simply… was. There was a certain lack of finesse in how I wrote with a pencil, but whatever. Sue me; until just a few weeks ago, I had five digits to work with. Now I was stuck with one, and what I believed to be a form of tactile telekinesis.

It was either that or the gecko electromagnetic theory. In any case I needed my fingers back.

"Need to get my hands on some styrofoam," I mused to myself before taking down another gulp of mixed substances. My napalm game wouldn't settle for anything less. Maybe from that coffee shop? Not too sure where I'd go to make an order for a large quantity of styrofoam.

I idly lifted a dumbbell in my right hand as I sat on the workout bench, nodding towards another passing mare who's eyes lingered on me for much longer than needed. Bulket's Vay did not sound like a pony name at all, but it damn sure was a good place to get a proper workout. At only five bits a month, I considered it more than a steal; it was pretty much highway robbery.

Now just were the weekly pizza parties to keep us gym goers big and large so we would be forced to keep going to the gym?

Try as I might, I hadn't yet seen any sign of unhealthy goods being offered from around the corner. That, combined with my weekly workout structure, a diet focused on healthy veggies, beans, and water — not that I had much of a choice in that matter — and a reason to walk around, this body of mine had begun to change somewhat. If anything else, I had given Dirt Pile four sets of decently toned quads and the beginnings of a nicely defined chest.

I had me another swing out of my mixed coffee concoction.

All it took was the small sacrifice of knowing that everyday was leg day.

— 3 —​

I finished building weapons that would have law enforcement not so subtly gangstalk me in the small cabinet of my kitchen and set out to act on my plans. Bits stored in my sack, a freshly perfumed collared shirt, and my Stetson hat, I was pretty much as ready as one could be in magical ponyland.

To be safe, I made sure to take one container with me.

And closed the copy of 'Oh shit, I'm A Pony Now' that had been lying open on my bed for whatever reason. I did tend to get lost in a book when I really enjoyed it but I could've sworn that I'd tossed the thing under my bed the first day I got it.

Well, pony life was exciting life, so it'd made sense that I'd forget the small details sometimes. So, I tossed the book out of the way and then tossed myself out the door.

As I walked down the streets of Canterlot, I wondered if Dirt Pile and I had swapped bodies. I could just imagine him waking up in my body, not knowing how to even work with only two feet. Ruining any semblance of order in my life. And even worse, going around and revealing his otherworldly status like a maniac.

I attracted a lot of strange looks as I went up towards the nicer parts of Canterlot, but that hardly bothered me a bit. Being a spectacle was nothing new to me; one had to get used to it rather quickly when moving around a lot in childhood.

Plus, it was mighty easy to ignore those looks when my attention was more focused on a map of Canterlot city. Canterlot-Caerleon-on-Usk, Canterlot-Cardigan, Canterlot-Stirling. Huh, names without horsepuns for the most part. From the looks of it, I'd been living in Caerleon-on-Usk this entire time, and the more fancy districts could be found in Cardigan.

"Excuse me, young stallion, but where are you headed?" a mare asked.

I inhaled sharply as I turned her way, finding a unicorn mare in a yellow coat wearing a fancy dress looking up my way. One of the few blessings this body had provided me; I'd grown used to having people look up at me, and I didn't want to have that change in any sense of the word. It still did bother me how low my vision was now. Every so often I still strained my neck up to fix my current sight.

"That begs to be decided, ma'am" I said, more as a way to fill the empty air. We had stopped at an intersection; not because of some traffic light, but more for the sense of common courtesy, allowing the carriages to pass by before the rest of us did. Reminded me somewhat of smaller German villages.

"Are you a newcomer to this city?"

"Eh, guess you might be on the marker 'bout that." I waved a hoof in the air in front of me. "In a manner of speaking."

"Excuse me?"

I tugged on my hat. "It means, yes."

"Well, I'd be pleased to say this: welcome to Canterlot," the unicorn mare said, sounding cheerful. In contrast to that, she had this intensely smug smile on her face, one that gave me an itch to just clobber her across the face. But, I had me some sense of manners, even if my ever-so pounding head wanted me to act otherwise.

"Thank you, I might have been completely lost if it wasn't for your generosity." I tipped my hat down once more, ignoring the sputtering happening behind me. My eyes focused on the splendor of the city before me.

The City of Canterlot was a big place. Maybe that was a bit of a stupid thought to pass my mind, but from the show alone, I would've expected the place to be more like a small town in size. Maybe only a little bit bigger than Ponyville had been. Just went to show that you couldn't believe everything that T.V. told you after all. The streets were busy with ponies on their lunch break. Fancy ponies in suits and dresses and those with neither were heading to restaurants or buying food from the side of the road. I'd already grabbed a bite to eat before I headed out so I didn't fall in line with the rest of them; can't let something like a tummy get in the way of your journey.

Finally, I had reached it: Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, if I was remembering the name right. Or at least, I hoped that this was the right school. One might think that it would be hard to mistake the giant unicorn-only building for another, but clearly Canterlot did not believe in unique building design for the most part.

Last week, I had walked up to the steps of a school building, and squeezed my way inside when nobody had been paying much attention. A teacher had lifted me up in a telekinetic field and asked me in not-so-kind words, what I was doing inside a kid's daycare center. Judging from how I'd been thrown through the doors and into the street, I had to guess that my explanation of looking for future clowns of Equestria wasn't well appreciated.

Were I in a not so nice place, I probably would've been mugged, with the way I had just been thrown into the ground. Thankfully, passing ponies had been kind enough to give me a wide berth and give me judgemental stares.

By process of elimination, that meant this school was exponentially more likely to be the one I was looking for.

This time, I took my time, sitting myself at a shop across the street from the large buildings. See, I learned, I would make sure there weren't only children leaving the building before I decided to walk up. I was sure absolutely nothing about what I was doing was creepy or weird in any way, shape or form — no siree bob. That weird feeling bubbling in my head? Yeah, it'd be best to ignore that silly little thing; it might convince me that stalking ponies was wrong or something.

Observing.

Dirt Pile is not a stalker.

A few minutes of careful observation showed me an increasingly growing amount of unicorns leaving the building, with no children doing the same. Guess that meant I made it to the right building, and with their lunch hour having been started, that meant time was not on my side. I adjusted my Stetson.

And I was a pony of action.

 

[HGieokk]

Interested to see where this goes! I wonder if Discord had any hand in this, or if it's just some random ROB shenanigans.

 

[ganderhearse]

Interested to see where this goes! I wonder if Discord had any hand in this, or if it's just some random ROB shenanigans.

Click to shrink...

ROB? Didnt know Dirt Pile brought one of those along; just wait, this fic is going to turn into the world's first written Gyromite playsession

 

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 3: Ah'm Educated Folk Now



"You know Canterlot. What do you think we should do?"
​

"Hello?" someone called out. Though the words came in a questioning tone, anyone with a brain knew that was a word meant for attention. Most of all me, the guy who was very distinctly not a unicorn, attempting to enter a unicorn only academy. "Do you go here?"

A look back showed me a male unicorn with slick fur, a shirt collar and a black tie. Only magic could explain how both his clothes and his mane appeared so uniformly ironed.

"No," I said, because the truth shall set you free. Also, he just sounded like the type of guy that would immediately rat on me if I tried some of my regular bullshittery. Came with the package deal of being born posh and proper, I bet. "But, I do know someone that does."

He squinted. "Someone?"

"My fault for bein' an uneducated hick. But I was talkin' 'bout Twilight Sparkle."

"Sparkle?" He cocked a brow, and frowned. "For what reason would somepony like you be trying to find her?"

"I was thinkin' that we might make great friends."

He snorted, lips twitching in a manner that showed he was obviously trying not to burst out in laughter. "Y-You, an Earth Pony, are here to make friends with one of the school's best students?"

I shrugged. "Reality is stranger than fiction?"

Those words seemed to be the final straw for him, as he burst out in high pitched giggling, attracting us some strange eyes from ponies around us. He raised a hoof as if to pat me on the shoulder, but lowered it just as quick. "I w-would be a bad pony if I were to stop you from trying to accomplish your dreams. But I will tell you this: you will find the effort not worth your time."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. You got a fittingly small violin underneath all that hair?"

"I beg your pardon?"

I ignored the unicorn in favor of stepping towards the school, when a familiar mint-green coat caught my attention in the corner of my eye, and I immediately put the pony to a name in my head: Lyra Heartstrings.

From the looks of it, it appeared that she was going to a donut shop in a group with other ponies. Well, better the pony waifu I could see, than the one I'd have trouble even catching eye of in passing. I'm sure Twilight would understand my decision making; she was a pony of logic if I was remembering correctly.

When lost, praise kek 'nd all.

I turned around and headed right for the building I'd seen Lyra head into. It had a giant figure of a donut at the top of it. Something about that just irked me the wrong way. If anything, I'd probably have to blame early liquid medicine for that problem. Once I'd recognized how much similar to cough syrup these mass-produced sweets were in taste to me, I couldn't break the connection between the two in my mind. Even if the intellectual part of my mind told me that things were definitely different around here, one needed a bite more than just thoughts to break through mental conditioning.

Also, sugar like that would ruin my gains.

Again, I got weird looks as I entered the donut shop. It was easy to ignore their racially profiling stares as I locked eyes with Lyra Heartstrings. She made a confused expression and pointed to herself before throwing a look behind her. Those few seconds were all the time I needed to close the distance between us.

I tipped my Stetson forward. "Long days and pleasant nights to you missie." I took the seat next to her without waiting for a reply, letting out a silent sigh of relief at being somewhat bipedal again.

She turned my way and her wide eyes scanned me up and down. The cup of coffee that had been floating in magical aura was set down in replacement of a hoof against her chest. "Thank you! And… hello to you too?"

I made an incorrect buzzer sound. "Sorree, that's thee wrong answer."

"And may this mysterious stallion let me know the right one?"

I stared right through her. "Read my mind." And just in case she actually could, I immediately filled my mind with thoughts of curling four plate barbells on each of my forelimbs while riding a unicycle.

Lyra blew some hair out of her face and wore a smile. "You're lucky that I never decided to go into mental-magic theory. Also, I'm pretty sure spells like that are illegal. I think. I'd have to check the syllabus again to be sure."

"Glad to know that all my deepest and darkest secrets are only mine to bare."

She leaned forward, exaggeratedly batting her eyelashes. "Not if you are nice enough to let me know about some of them."

I tilted my Stetson down. "It is not your time to know."

A beige colored unicorn with curly purple hair held a chocolate drink levitated in magic aura as she walked our way. "See Lyra, and you said trying this place would be a waste of time. You already made a new friend."

An embarrassed blush took hold on Lyra's face and her ears flattened. "Twinkleshine, it's not like that. He just came up and took the seat next to me."

I raised a hand to my chest in mock offense. "Oh my goodness, are you saying you don't want little old me around? You really know how to break a poor pony's heart."

Her ears flicked my way, and she rubbed her chin looking over my person. "No, you're fine… there just won't be enough room for all of us here." A look around the table showed there to be four seats, for what looked like the five of us.

This problem had a very simple solution. I gestured at Lyra. "Get up."

She gave me a weird look but obliged, and I moved in to take her seat before she could reconsider her actions. Her expression went funny. "I guess that is the gentlemarely thing to do—"

Almost without thinking, I lifted her up by the waist and sat her on my lap. In the moment I was just happy that grabbing her by the waist didn't have her somehow bending over backwards. "There we go, problem's all solved."

She froze up for half a second, then got cozy on my lap, shuffling herself into place. She had an awkward, small smile on her face. "It is nice to have a stallion that can come up with quick solutions. And comfortable ones too."

A unicorn with a light blue coat and a mix between white and dark-blue hair took a seat next to me, carrying a cup of coffee in her magical aura. "Or a mare too dumb to come up with one on her own."

Lyra stuck out her tongue, her smile taking on more of a smirk as she levitated a donut to her mouth. "You're just jealous that I have premium seating, Minuette."

"What I'm not jealous of is your homework," Minuette said with a conspiracial smile. She tapped her hoof against the table, making a humming sound. "If I remember correctly, isn't it sitting in Miss Flowergale's compost bin?"

Twinkleshine giggled. "Yeah, and after you kept going on and on about how you had the perfect way to never turn in work late again."

"I was sure I'd set that recall spell right," Lyra muttered through gritted teeth. Then, as if suddenly remembering I were there, her ears flattened and she made a shushing sound, leaning forward and putting her hooves around my ears. "Do not embarrass me in front of my very important stallion-chair. I need to remain worthy enough to stay here."

"No, please continue embarrassing her. Pretend I'm not here. My cutie mark is now a mime, and I'm totally not going to remember this information to use against you at a later date." I tapped myself on the forehead. "See, already forgotten. Think I might need a little reminder about this accident."

Twinkleshine chuckled, ears perking up in interest. "Sorry, Lyra. It looks like we were given permission to ignore your wishes."

"When did we ever need permission to do that?" A new voice said. Another unicorn came into my view, taking the seat across from me. She had a yellow coat with accented light-blue hair.

"That is true, so…" Minuette said with a smirk on her face. Lyra made a surprised guffaw sound as she and her drink were lifted up in a blue magical aura and dropped off to the side. The light-blue unicorn moved and took Lyra's previous seat on my lap with a smug smile on her face. "The benefits of strength based training show themselves once again."

Lyra snorted, and took the now empty seat. "I'm going to switch to the double bass just for that. And for how quickly I've just been betrayed."

Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine… I tried to place the names to a pony in my memory but came up with nothing. Guess they couldn't have been that important in the grand scheme of things. Names not worth remembering after this little convo was done; my brain storage would thank me!

I shrugged. "Don't look at me, I'm just a stallion-chair."

"Yeah Lyra, we wouldn't want to distract him from his very important…" Minuette paused to scan me from Stetson to chest. "...duties."

"One hundred percent satisfaction guaranteed or your money back, and I won't even charge ya for the first few hours." I clicked my tongue. "Now that here's a deal you'll find nowhere else."

Lyra rolled her eyes, but then suddenly blinked as if noticing something for the first time. "Well, what is an earth pony like you doing at this school anyways? Bringing lunch for somepony?"

"Be tryin' to find one Twilight Sparkle… you might've heard of her?"

The ponies shared a look with one another, before I saw eyes trail over me, and felt some lingering attention on the button collared shirt I was wearing. They then broke out into a fit of giggles, y'know the kind. The type girls who were in on an in-joke made that had you wondering if they were laughing at you or somebody else.

"I didn't expect that from Twilight of all ponies…"

"Yeah, I guess it is like what they say," Minuette said, pausing to take a sip out of her drink. "It's always the ones you least expect."

I cleared my throat. "Bit rude to keep me out of the loop, don't you think ladies?"

She shot me a questioning look, ears swiveled my way. "What do you mean? There's no need to hide it with us, we've already figured it out."

"Now, you've just got me lost."

"Oh, come on, it's obvious. You're either Twilight's colttoy or her 'letterbuddy'." I wasn't sure how she did it, but the Minuette managed to bend her hooves as a way to show quotation marks. "I can't believe she's been hiding this from us."

The unicorn with the yellow-coat nodded. "You think you know a pony…"

"Luckily for you, she wasn't hiding anything. Except maybe herself." At their strange looks, I continued. "Y'know, since she's such a studious nerdy pony."

"Yeah, that is true… but if you didn't meet her before now, how would you know that?" Lyra's words concluded with all four ponies giving me expectant looks, as if waiting for some clever justification.

I pulled my Stetson down a tad bit, feeling my ears flatten 'gainst my head. "I'm a magician, it's my job to know things like this. In laymen's terms, ponies aren't too good with keeping their mouths shut."

"You're missing something on your head, mister magician," Minuette said, circling a hoof around the middle of my forehead. Where a horn might've been if I had to guess.

I shrugged. "That's why I'm the best kind of magician. Nob— Nopony will ever see it coming. You tryna look at the horn but little do you know my real trick's in my hat."

"Inside your hat?" My Stetson began to float off my head, shrouded in a yellow aura, and I quickly reached up to keep it on my head.

I gave Lemon Hearts a glare. "You can't just take a guy's hat. Shit's improper."

She pouted. "Then how are we supposed to know what the magic is?"

"That's the best part," I said, trailing a hoof from my shirt's collar to my Stetson's brim. "You don't."

Twinkleshine rolled her eyes. "What a spoilsport."

I smirked. "Last I checked, ladies love a guy who's mysterious and brooding."

Lemon Hearts raised an eyebrow. "Brooding?"

My ears folded back without my input. "I'm halfway there?"

Lyra shot me a crooked smile. "Mysterious?"

I held a hoof in the air. "I refuse to have my amazing demeanor torn apart by some of the world's greatest nerds."

She squinted, flicking one of her ears back. "I'm pretty sure that's a compliment, but I can't help but feel insulted for some reason..."

"Ignore that feelin', that's just bad mojo. What you should be feeling is proud. Proud that I went to y'all of all ponies for help." I rasped my hoof against my forehead. "I'm far too stupid to get anything done by myself. Don't got the nerd-gene in me."

Minuette again tapped the non-horned part of my head. "I don't think we could help you even if we tried too."

"Nah, nothing magic related here. Not exactly." I sucked in a breath. "So what you say, wanna help me break into a highly secure school and meet the mare of my dreams? I'll even make sure to mail you all a letter from our shared resort island."

I inwardly cursed myself at the fact that I didn't have a phone on me; meant I couldn't use this as a suave move to get all of their numbers in one swoop. Though that may have been a blessing in disguise. I could see these ponies screenshotting all my cringe posts and laughing at them together in separate secret groupchat.

As my mother liked to say, technology be the devil.

Before my eyes, the amusement on Lyra's face grew into something more reserved. "Yeah, I don't know about that… you're nice and all, but breaking you into CSGU is... that's not me. Maybe if you asked one of the seniors…"

"Where else am I going to learn Chronomancy if I get kicked out?" Minuette added with a snort.

I raised an eyebrow. "From a book?" Pretty sure there was some giant castle in the Everfree Forest that never got dealt with for whatever reason; that was sure to have magical artifacts galore. I decided to keep that to myself.

She playfully swatted one of my forelimbs with a snort.

"Well, thanks for… Actually, you was all pretty useless all things considered." As per usual, the only way to get things done would have to be of my own doing. Can't trust a girl to do a man's job. "Looks like this'll be a solo ride."

"Ahh," Twinkleshine began with a knowing smile. "Are you going to become Twilight's little courter?"

My kneejerk reaction was a scowl, but I somehow forced my lips into something resembling a grin. "I been told you I'm not a stalker."

 

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 4: Livin' The High Life



"Let's blow this popsicle stand."

"How about a vegetable stand? I really love popsicles, man."
​

Unfortunately, Lyra Heartstrings had something we called a 'conscience', so it was back to square one with me… or maybe it was two. I had found the school Twilight Sparkle attended after all. I parted ways with the group to the sound of giggling behind me; no doubt they were gossiping about me behind my back. Just in case Lyra and her friends were snitches — 'cause you can't trust these hoes — I trotted off in seemingly random directions before making way for the coffee shop near my home.

A small café called 'Le Petite Complier', a name that just struck me as odd against all the other English-themed shops around it. It was pretty homey in an oddly familiar kind of way, like something I would see on a college campus. I idly noticed that I was the only one who had ordered a large cup; every other pony had this cup that I wasn't even sure could be drunk out of. Maybe telekinesis offsetted that particular issue. Though to make up for it, they were eating sickenly sweet confectionaries and I wasn't, so all was good in the world.

The atmosphere made me wonder if there really was an equivalent to France in this world; the only times I could remember it being brought up were with fandom-jokes or the oddly named character, but I couldn't tell if that was the case for certain. I should get my hands on a map or something later.

At a time like this, I would take out my phone and scroll while pretending that I was being productive in some strange alien way. Lacking such technology, I replaced that habit with a book, until I decided that I hadn't come there to be a nerd.

Humming pleasantly as the rush of caffeine met my brain, a stray thought had me mixing an energy drink into my coffee.

School.

Did Dirt Pile attend school? I looked to be just around the same age as the CSGU attendees, but without real hard numbers I couldn't place them to an exact year — sophomore, junior, whatever. How did truancy laws work in Equestria? Did they even exist here?

Truth be told, I hadn't seen a school that looked like Dirt Pile would attend it, though that may have been caused by me only looking for schools of the magical variety. No use for non-hornheads around there, I reckon. I knew from my patchwork of knowledge from the comics that other schools did exist here…

Eh, I'd deal with it when the problem came up. No point in worrying about a not-so immediate problem. Plus, the weekend was coming up soon, and it went against all that was good and holy in the world to bring up the topic of school on a Saturday.

— 4 —​

As the sun began to set, I made my way back into the streets of Canterlot. Who knew a mixture of working out and taking stimulants would render one unable to find easy sleep? That, and the sense of bewilderment that came from being in a magical cartoon world, but that was more of an ever-present state of mind, rather than anything else.

I made sure to stop at home to throw 'Oh shit, I am a Pony Now!!' into the bottom dresser. Only creeps and potential serial killers read books under the night; that, and it would be just terrible for my eyes. Another change of clothes — because I was not going to walk around stinking up a storm — , and readjustment of my Business Stetson later, and I was off!

Because I wasn't a total creep, I spoke various words to myself underneath my breath, somewhat satisfied at the state of my voice. Still came out sounding a little too high-pitched for my liking, but I could force a satisfying deep-tone if needed.

"And there he goes, hittin' a home run right over that idio—!"

I had turned a corner when a black figure landed on my face, scaring the absolute shit out of me. I felt tiny claws dig into my face, and where there were scratches I felt my skin burn. The scream that left my mouth definitely threw me back several days in voice training. A very manly scream in a masculine tone, I assure you.

"Just what the hell is…" I reached for my face, and pulled back what looked like a black devil. On Earth, it might as well have been; some breed of black cat with the reddish eyes I'd ever seen in my life. He didn't look all that bothered that I had him up by the scruff of its neck, fixating me with a look that suggested it would go to my face for round two if needed.

To make things short, I wanted him.

"You." The black cat tilted its head, and narrowed his eyes as if daring me to continue. I dared. "Your new name is Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth."

I held out my hat, and the cat stared at me as if I was mentally disabled. "Come with me, you're gonna be my golden ticket." Then, almost as an afterthought, I added. "Also, I'll make sure you don't starve and die a terrible death as a stray in the streets."

Those words seemed to be enough, as the cat meowed and stretched its limbs before leaping for my Stetson. I placed it on my head with the cat still inside, and felt him move around into a more comfortable position underneath.

I heard it before I saw it, the building, that is. I realized it when I caught myself humming to a tune in the air, something reminiscent of a mixture between Atmospheric House and… Soul? How did such a thing even exist in this world? Whoever was behind the music, they definitely made it work. God, I haven't realized how much I missed my earbuds before catching this familiar tune on my ears. My legs moved on their own, and I found myself in front of the house of a pony with money to spare.

Really, the word, 'mansion', worked better to describe it. Though it wasn't special when compared to most of the houses I'd seen in Cardigan, in my little area, most of the living spaces were far smaller than what were in the richer neighborhoods. Some ponies noticed me as I casually walked up to the door, but I wasn't opposed until I stepped into the house.

"Hey, you," someone called out. She was a unicorn in a purple coat at around my height. But she was the wrong purple unicorn, and as thus, a sinful heretic for pretending to be a pony waifu. Her obviously dyed white mane was a clear indicator too. "Do I kno— Sheesh, what happened to your face?"

"Only the cutest freak accident of all time." I removed my Stetson from head, revealing Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth. He blinked his innocent little red eyes at the mare. "Wasn't he worth it?"

"Awww, he's a cutie." She looked back up at my face and winced again. "Much cuter than whatever happened to your face."

"Alright, I got it. Sir Fluffington turned me into Frankenstein's monster, no need to rub it in." The cat meowed, wiggling his little feet in the air as he made himself comfy in my hat.

"Sir Fluffington?"

I nodded, deadly serious. "Only the best of names for this elite breed." I put the hat back on, cat and all. "Now if you'll excuse me…"

She held an arm. Leg. Whatever term worked better, she was blocking my path. "Where do you think you're going?"

"To be the life of the party?"

She tilted her head down, shooting me a look. "But do I know you?"

"No, but strangers are just friends you don't know yet." I looked over her shoulder to just see ponies milling about, not really doing much other than taking drink and chattering to one another. "And this is one lame ass junction you got goin' on here. Like, no one here got moves at all, or social awareness."

She huffed, and I got the vague impression were she sitting down she would've folded her arms. Legs. "Because that's going to make me want to let you in."

"Not like I'm here for them, or your fake trash tier waifu lookin' ass." I walked around her outstretched leg and she stepped back to block my parth. "Excuse me?"

Her stare could wither a bull's testicles. "No, excuse me."

"You're excused." I pressed a hoof against her face, pushing her to the side as I scanned the room for the DJ or whoever was on the he music's here. "Go to your room and have a timeout little lady."

I only made it three steps before I ran into another pony. A blink of the eyes revealed a grey-furred earth pony with hair that could only be sustained by inhuman amounts of hair gel. What was he even doing? Dude had to have just been all the way across the room— whatever, let's take care of this chillingly.

"'Sup." I gave him a nod.

"'Sup," he echoed, voice cheery.

"So, we cool?"

The smile on his face grew. "Nope."

Before I could unleash Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth, the pony bent down and threw a hoof into my chest so hard the floor looked just like the ceiling.

— 5 —​

I let out a grunt as my bruised body hit the carefully cut lawn. Couldn't even call it cut, bet these freaks used magic to do the job instead of working like the rest of society. On the plus side, my Stetson had stayed on my head the entire time.

On the not so plus side, Sir Fluffington proved to be completely useless in terms of defending me. That was a problem to be remedied in the future; I don't support freeloaders, and on the Dirt-Train, everyone would get their due.

"You see this fucker try to get in again, throw him in the trash." The purple unicorn with an ugly mane-do lightly kicked my side. "Capisce?"

I grinned despite myself, getting up to all fours. "Oh man, I didn't know I was messing with the pony mafia. Glad y'all ain't got tommy guns here or I reckon I might be lookin' a lot like Swiss cheese, right now."

She shot me a very odd look. "Just go before I have Burly give you a closer look at the ground."

The grey-haired brute from early snorted, still wearing that deceivingly cheery look on his face. This was the moment he finally decided to return my nod.

My initial reaction was to ask her if 'Burly' was a pony name, or a grunt name. But because I liked being in one piece, I followed her orders and left the mansion, walking up to the street and making three rights from there… ending up behind the mansion. Like hell I was going to let some pony bitch show me up; letting yourself get walked over like that was like ignoring a roach in your home. You just don't let it happen or else it'll spiral out of control.

Also, I needed to get that DJ's contact information. Good music wasn't as easy as pulling up Spotify on my phone anymore.

"You see, this is why I needed that grappling hook. Procrastination comes again to bite me in the ass." Sir Fluffington meowed underneath my hat. "You gotta make sure I don't put stuff down to do later, alright?"

I received a single long meow in response.

"We'll work on communication later."

Either ponies loved being susceptible to break-ins, or rich folk here hadn't yet come up with the concept of basic house safety, because re-entering the mansion was as easy as crossing the non-fenced lawn and going up a staircase placed at the side of the building. There was a locked door at the top of the stairs, and while I probably could've broken down the door, the open window next to it was a much more tantalizing option. So I pulled it down and hopped back in.

In a word, too much room. The room didn't look to be anything more than… a storage room? There was a large bed in the middle of it, but the room was elsewise sparse aside from it. Other than a bunch of unopened boxes sealed tight with multiple layers of tape. I couldn't help but be… disappointed by it all in a sense; I guess I expected something a bit more magical, but it appeared that even the magically gifted had to pack and unpack like the rest of us do.

"Who are you supposed to be?" A voice behind me said. I turned around to see a blue unicorn in what looked like some kind of uniform. Butler? Ponesservant? "Everypony should be downstairs for the festivities."

"I'm a slave." At his shocked look, I quickly fixed my words. "I mean manservant. Ponyservant."

He stared at me.

"A rich pony's plaything?" I asked him.

The pony slowly, very slowly, stepped backwards, as if I were a predator whose vision was based on movement. We kept our eyes locked on one another as he inched his body out the door, and our eyes remained on each other since he didn't make it any further than that. Rather hard when your path was being blocked by a pony standing in your way.

Well, ponies. One pegasus and the other an earth pony; unless they were using some spell to disguise their wings or horn.

Oh, and they were both wearing all black; clothes, ski-masks, and all. Guess that meant fun times were at hand. Though, I did wonder how annoying wearing clothes like that had to be for a pegasus. Was it like a weiner where you just don't notice when not paying attention, or were they getting constant feedback from the area?

Food for thought.

The butler-pony only had the time to widen his eyes before getting hit over the head by what looked like a baseball bat. I made a mental note to get myself one of those later; in a world like Equestria, the ability to hit objects out of the ballpark was sure to come in handy sooner or later.

Now I was locking eyes with the two mystery ponies in black, even as a glass bottle hit the floor, rolling over against one of my hooves.

I shrugged, then bent down to take the fallen bottle of liquor from the ground. Better him than me. "Thanks, man."

"Man?" The pegasus shook his head. "Think nothing of it. You're replacing 'Steel', right?"

I jostled the bottle in my left hoof before letting liquid cinnamon fire burn down my throat. Huh, they had Jack Daniels in this universe? Neat! "Yeah, just remind me exactly what I'm supposed to do here again."

"The job." The other masked pony beside him spoke up, an earth pony mare. "These spoiled brats just decided to make this party a free range buffet for us tonight."

Her choice of words just struck me as odd. Wouldn't that work better for cows, which were actually sentient in this world? I shrugged the question off in my own mind, deciding to down another swing of pony Jack Daniels. "Yeah, that's what I'm here for. Down with the rich and redistribute to the poor. Screw democracy."

The two ponies shared looks with one another, and the earth pony said in a barely audible whisper, "I was joking about just picking up any random pony off the street."

"I didn't," the pegasus replied through clenched teeth. Not that I could tell it for certain; bit difficult to tell through a mask, but I liked to imagine that those teeth were clenched awfully shut on each other. "I screened for him. And he seemed fine then."

I raised a hoof their way, sending some of the drink flying out of the container. "You do know I can hear both of you, right? Less gossiping like bitches, and more robbing the rich and eating the bourgeoisie."

"You don't even have a mask on," the earth pony said with a tone that suggested she were speaking to a small child.

"I was doin' a little somethin' we call scoutin', luv. My mask'll come in the mail later." I took another swing. "After I finish this bottle preferably."

The door I had walked through opened behind us again, and we all took a moment to stop and see who our new mystery newcomer was.

"Hey guys, so we're ready to do the job?" said a new voice. He was a unicorn, and you have three guesses as to what he had on, and the first two don't count.

I rolled my eyes, and let out a burp out of the corner of my mouth. "I'm just going to guess that my reminder to dress in black was lost in the mail."

The earth pony grumbled intelligible nonsense underneath her breath. "Alright, who in Tartarus are you?"

"Steel's replacement?" he said, ears pressed against his head. "You did ask me to replace a pony called Steel last week, and this isn't just me accidently running into another robbery, right?"

The pegasus made a sound of realization. "Oh yeah, I was wondering why your coat changed color. Blue coat, brown coat."

The earth pony gave him a nudge hard enough to slightly offset him off center. "And you didn't bother to bring it up until now?"

He shrugged. "I don't like to assume. It's rude."

I stepped forward to pat him on the shoulder. "Thank you for having some manners, it's crazy what some people can say to you around here," I said, tipping my hat forward.

"Speaking of which," the earth pony said, tapping a hoof against the ground. One of her ears flicked in place before both swiveled toward me. "What are you doing here?

Everyone turned to look at me.

I raised my half-empty bottle. "I'm what folks like to call, an equal opportunity employee. I'm given work and I don't cry about what I'm told to do. We all hate the rich, so let's work together to rob this one blind."

The others shared glances with one another, with the earth pony being the first to step away with a shrug.

"If you get caught, you are on your own." She waved a hoof in the air behind her, and her ears flicked my way. "Try to take the same shit I'm trying to take, and you will wake up tomorrow. Probably in a cell."

I looked at her warped image through the glass bottle. "I don't like to eat other people's shit much."

The unicorn flinched back, and I saw what looked like silverware being levitated into the side pockets on his person. "Why not at all?"

"Times can get pretty rough, so it's not right to make promises on this sort of thing," I said, raising both my forelimb and the bottle. "Though, I do got one question myself."

"What are you waiting for?" the earth pony asked with a scoff. She had her hand around what looked like a golden chain and was in the process of placing it in one of the pockets on her suit. "This isn't a classroom."

"How the hell can that guy see fur color through clothes?" I gestured at the pegasus, who had frozen up at my words. "You're nice and all but, you're still a twat for outing me like that. What happened to code of honor among thieves?"

"I have really good eyesight."

I raised an eyebrow. "He has a black robber's suit get up. Hell, all of you do except me; I'm the only naked bastard here going native."

"No, I mean…I saw something really good to go for in one of the other rooms." The pegasus walked up to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Come with me and will we get all the loot."

I shrugged. "Better be some more Jack Daniels."

"Yes, of course." The pegasus walked up to a door a few ways down than the one we were just at. Honestly, this hallway had far too many doors. Made me wonder if the prissy brat ever got lost in her house 'looney toon's style. He drew a hoof forward. "You first, I would not want to accidentally take what you wanted."

"Thanks, mate. Gettin' some common courtesy for once in this world be a blessin'." For a magical wonderland, I was getting a surprising lack of things with minimal effort. If this kept up, I would have to send a poor letter of recommendation to whatever agency handled the otherworldly transport business.

"We." The door closed behind us. "Are not mates."

I felt something lunge at me from behind and tackle me to the ground. Jaws then clamped around one of my legs.

I resisted the urge to scream, but didn't hold back on my second kneejerk reaction. I hadn't gotten these gains to just be a maiden in distress after all. I made like Applejack and bucked hard with my other leg, sending the mystery being flying off my person and into the far wall. I quickly brought another hoof to the area of the bite, thankfully not feeling any broken skin, just mighty bad bruising.

"I knew you were a dishonorable thief!"

"How are you not asleep? This accursed face—" I then heard what sounded like hissing. Wait, hissing? When he spoke again, the voice sounded different, warped somehow. "I should have taken care of her from the start."

Though my eyes were stinging, his skin looked… wrong. It looked like the flesh was trying to swallow his clothes — wait no, that was exactly what happened. Before my eyes, the flesh and fur on the pegasus' body began to twist and contort, retreating into itself before what remained left was the pale imitation of a pony. A form composed black skeletal substances, and small blue wings.

Solid, glossy blue eyes glared at me.

Clearly, there was only one course of action I could take in a situation like this.

"Sir Fluffington, it's high time you earned your due!"

 

[xThomas3]

Hands? Is it just him adjusting to being a pony still or writer error (could be either)

 

[ganderhearse]

Hands? Is it just him adjusting to being a pony still or writer error (could be either)

Click to shrink...

Adjusting to being a pony; if you see stuff like that and "Arms", "everyone", etc in the future, it's intentional. I do bring it up from time to time in story, but there was a lot of prior angsting over him being in a new body so I used a timeskip to skip the existential crisis parts.
We here for unauthorized mayhem; not deep introspective commentary, yo!

 

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 5: Piss WIth a Mask On To Prevent Germs



"Are you single?"

"I'm not sure, let me get a look at you and I'll get you an answer."
​

It was a thing like pissing.

Like when you had yourself a good piss only to spritz a little in your jeans when you zipped up your fly. Only to then decide the next rational course of action was to throw water on your crotch to make no one think that you had pissed your pants, which of course fools absolutely no one.

When in reality, the first move should've been to let it all out in your pants in the first place.

Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth showed just how viscous he could be to anyone that wasn't me, scratching up a storm against the insect-pony hybrid. Thankfully, the bastard wasn't smart enough to turn himself into some kind of rock or creature without giant eyes that could be targeted easily, leaving him preoccupied enough for me to get the hell out of dodge.

"We got a changeling!" I yelled, throwing myself out the door.

"Changeling?" the unicorn echoed, weirdly confused.

My mouth opened to properly reeducate him when I felt a vague sinking feeling seep into my chest, as the rest of my head worked to catch up with what I just said. Right, I was Dirt Pile, an earth pony living in Equestria before the show's initial canon. Another blink and I was a twenty-something old man — scientific name Homo Sapiens — pressured into too much bullshit for his liking; one wondering what the hell he was doing on all fours.

My tongue felt heavy and swollen in my dry mouth. I reached for the bottle of pony Jack Daniels next to me, and took to it like a man dying of thirst. Just like the damn thing to betray me in my time of need; wasn't nearly enough of the drink for my liking.

I bit my tongue hard enough to draw blood. Death ain't take me in this world, and I sure not lettin' some nasty critter get the last laugh.

"Fluffington!" I called out.

In the brief moment that the cat leapt off the changeling's face, I threw the empty bottle right at its face. Didn't shatter like it would in the movies, instead knocking off the creature's face with a very satisfying thud.

Had to remind myself that changelings weren't widespread knowledge at this point yet. That did beg the question of what the hell this one was doing outside his hive so early in the game.

Whatever. Questions to ask myself when I wasn't at risk of being emotionally drained.

I fixed my words. "We have nature's worst ambush predator upon us!"

"Like what. A hydra?" Came the earth pony's scathing reply followed by footsteps. Then there was loud sputtering. Lots of it.

I focused on the important detail. "Hydras are ambush predators in this world?"

The unicorn's ears flickered my way. "What does that even mean?"

The earth pony dragged the baseball bat against the ground, bringing it up to her side. "W-What is that!?"

I shot her a sly smile. "If you say please, I may repeat myself."

"Well, why don't ya just try n' let bygones be begones," the changeling snarled at me in a posh british accent. Which is what I liked to imagine it was trying to say instead of attempting to send neurotoxin down my veins.

I was already ducking, taking hold of one of the many bedsheets laying on the ground and throwing it overhead. Never again would I make light of the rich and their need for copious amounts of bedsheeting. With all that sheet in the way, the changeling got itself stuck in the makeshift net of sorts, and tumbled into the ground.

Not that it did much to dissuade it at all. The three of us who weren't changeling spies rushed down the hall, trying to put as much distance between us and the slashing, gnashing and biting noises behind us.

I hefted one of the bottles from my knapsack of justice; the ones with sanitizer in them. Spying that the changeling had already bit its way out of the bedsheeting, I had one 'edge' of my hoof on the ignition stick. "Stand still. I'mma to turn you to a discount summer sun celebration."

"What the fuck…?" questioned a familiar voice behind me.

Before I turned, I grabbed the changeling's mask off the ground and put it on my own face, doing my best to ignore the slightly slimy inner texture. Clearly Chrysalis was not a proud advocate for dental hygiene.

Random unicorn twat!

How's it going, pal! You're asking what I'm doing here? Well, no, I wasn't trying to break back into your house then decided to rob you while I'm at it!

Like that would work out well.

Wait, I had a mask on now. How would she even be able to tell it was me?

But with the way things were right now, I probably didn't even need the mask to hide my identity. As the rest of her body moved to catch up with what her eyes saw, I caught a glimpse of them. Wide eyed and filled with terror, barely even giving me and the masked pony gang more than a glance.

"M-Monster!" she stammered out in a shrill shriek, flailing backwards away from us… and down the stairs. Her head hit the floor with a loud thud, not that it left her incapacitated in any sense. In a not so lesser volume, I heard the cry, "Everypony, there's a monster upstairs!"

Loved it when problems solved themselves like that.

"What, a monster?!" someone yelled out.

"That isn't right!"

"Saphie's just playing, right?"

"I saw it with my two fucking eyes, I swear to Celestia!" I heard her yell back, and I didn't get to hear what came next on account of us getting charged up by at least ninety points of insect-pony.

It felt like I was being straddled by the world's worst prostitute; raw, nasty, and completely different from what the advertisement showed. I held the changeling's face away from my skin, finding the act surprisingly easier than expected.

Can't beat the gains that easily!

But what the changeling lacked in strength, it made up for in ferocity, twisting and turning and doing its best to be as much of an awkward hold as it could. The sight of green liquid flowing down its teeth did wonders to motivate me.

Now this would've been a great time to have Sir Fluffington tag in, but it appeared that the cat had just bounced from the area. Maybe I shouldn't have blamed him for taking the smart option, but damn that cat was going to pay for this.

That thought went away when I saw something wooden in the corner of my eye.

"Hey, I'm right her—"

The changeling rolled to the side, leaving me as the lucky guy to get solid straight to his chest. Ooh, pretty colors! Though it quickly subsided to a dull hum, I could tell that this pain was sure to screw me over come morning. If not for the fact that I was absolutely pissed, and had a heavy buzz going through me, I'd probably be in a lot more agony.

I curled into a very heroic ball and attempted to roll out of the situation. "When I get up I am going to kill both of you with one stone…"

"O-Oh, Celestia, no," she groaned, pulling me up and off to the side. Through blinking eyes, I saw the unicorn keeping the changeling preoccupied with the same sheet trick I'd used earlier; guess if it works, don't knock it. Only he was doing it better, since telekinesis didn't play by the same rules hands did. "Doesn't seem to be any bleeding, so I think you should be fine."

I sniffled. "Don't worry sug', I into that rough stuff. Tough guy like me can take hits from lil' lassies such as yerself anyday."

Jesus. Might as well stick my hand into my own ass then stick it right in the kisser. Why do I always say dumb shit like that? Oh, right; I could just blame the pony Jack Daniels.

She snorted. "Sounds like you could take a good few hours of sleep. Fuck, we all could; this whole thing went completely undersold."

"Glad to see there's honor among some thieves." I attempted to wiggle myself out of her grip, but found my efforts lacking. I used one of my backlegs to reach for one of my fallen explosives, kicking it my way. "If you'll excuse me?"

"The one time a mare tries to help," she grumbled underneath her breath. "What is that thing anyway?"

"One of my many, many ways to open closed doors." I pocketed the bottle right where it belonged on my person. There weren't many doors that could stand to be closed when introduced to sixteen hundred degrees of fiery goodness is all I was sayin'.

I got the impression she were raising an eyebrow at me, and her hoof dug into the ground. "That's it?"

"I don't kiss n' tell." I adjusted my Stetson again. "Well, I do make an exception for babes, but they only get half the package."

The earth pony only stared at me.

"You know, you're wearing a mask, right?" I pressed a hip to my mouth. "If you're trying to judgementally stare me to death, it doesn't really work without the rest of your face."

"Alright, we need to get out; don't think I can keep whatever that monster is still for long," The unicorn said, running past us and up to the window. I saw the sheet still had a blue aura covering it, though from the looks of it, the changeling was going to find its way out any moment now.

The earth pony's ears flickered my way, as she paused by a windowsill. "I don't think we could carry the goods and you at the same time. You're going to have to find your own way back."

I saw the unicorn's horn begin to glow, and again I had to thank myself for getting buzzed. Helped stifle down the surge of jealousy that rose in me at the sight. Just managed to be lucky enough to not have the gift of easy magic bestowed on me, nothing to be upset about there.

What I should really be upset about was the fact that I hadn't gotten that DJ's contact info. Whole reason I had even tried entering in the first place. Now I'd need to roam the streets late at night until I could crash another party. Hopefully one with more receptive guests next time.

I flicked out my tongue, running it over my lips. "No need to worry 'bout me. I've got my ways of pissin' off the grim reaper." It hurt my legs and chest something awful, but I leapt out the window and into the open air.

— 6 —​

Every blink of the eye seemed to last longer and longer as I felt the claws of drowsiness at the edge of my consciousness. Paradoxically, I could just about feel my heart pounding in my chest, like a war drum.

Ugh.

Leaving the party hadn't been difficult in the slightest. There was so much commotion and panic, that no one had noticed me falling from a window overhead and slipping off my mask to place in my knapsack. Commotion wasn't even the right word to be used for this, I doubted a single word would work here.

It was as if someone had decided to put a bunch of cats next to each other, then attempted to herd them all in the same direction, and was also trying to do with the most aggressive dog breed they could get.

Something about this struck me as odd, seeing all the ponies still out and about, that was. The whole fight must've taken less time than I thought, probably something to attribute to both the alcohol and fear of being turned into a possible changeling battery for the rest of my Equestrian existence. Really, what the hell was a changeling doing breaking into houses anyways? I thought the show had been exaggerating things, but they really were a stupid lot, huh.

Or maybe I was already falling victim to confirmation bias.

I hadn't intended on following them, but as I inched my way back to my home, I noticed most of the party ponies walking into a confectionery shop. That was just something wrong. Deadly wrong with eating sweets like that. Really, Equestria must have an amazing dental program, because I could not understand how these ponies could manage to have such white teeth while consuming painfully sugary sweets everyday.

Then I heard yelling. And what sounded like a new rush of ponies. Was that the fire alarm? Howling ponies.

If I had any doubts about what had just happened in the house, the mass of uniformed police ponies and those in armor dispelled them. They looked moving like they had somewhere to go; bright lights produced from spells had the streets far too bright for what had to be… one, two in the morning?

I crushed that growing feeling of ill-ease inside of me.

None of this was my problem, and I couldn't spot a single face I recognized. None of this must've been all too important in the long run.

My legs were killing me from all the walking and running I'd done. At all the bruising I'd been given. And my head was dreading the incoming morning.

If there was one thing I needed, it was Dirt's cozy, cozy bed.

 

[Willems]

Much to my surprise, the book titled 'Oh shit, I am a Pony Now!!' held no helpful information on what to do when one was suddenly found themselves turned into an anthropomorphic pony. At least, that was the right term to be used, I assume. I wasn't some weird mix between human and pony alike; simply pony.

Click to shrink...

I'm confused; are they anthro? The sentence reads weird.

 

[ganderhearse]

I'm confused; are they anthro? The sentence reads weird.

Click to shrink...

He is a pony.
anthropomorphic means to attribute human traits to non-human things.
He didn't know if he was using the word right (if it would mean attributing human traits, or just being an anthro-pony). There may be more "mistakes" like this in story, but reason for that is usually attributed to in-universe lack of knowledge. (Usually, I make my good share of mistakes as well)

 

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 6: I'm a Perfect Citizen
"I no longer want to fuck you, so stop with those things you call 'jokes'."​

Everyone can agree that first impressions are important. Whether you like it or not, that first meeting was what influenced how people saw you, how they thought about you, how they treated you.

PSYCHOLOGICY LESSON: IMPRESSIONS — Brains, whether they be pony or human are quick to intake information and draw a conclusion from what is given to them. Thin Slicing. As quick as we are to come to judgements, this can also serve as a weakness; what true real information could you parse from a moment's worth of analysis?

What impressions did I make to my neighbors, stumbling out of my home in a mess to release vomit out in an alleyway?

The answer? It doesn't matter. They didn't matter.

They weren't the ones fighting an alien bodysnatcher late at night. Background characters for all I could care. Okay, just body snatcher, though now that I thought about it, I fit the alien moniker much more accurately.

Now I just needed decently animated shapeshifting powers to really fit the title.

I forced myself to an upright position as I felt a wave of vertigo overcome me. It didn't help that I just so happened to look directly up at the sun as I did so, and gained the overwhelming desire to hurl yet again.

I threw a hoof against my chest, and only dry heaved.

Good, that meant that I could actually get something liquid in me for once. I reached to my side to get out my car ke— It came back to me with a gasp.

Right, ponyland. Dubious levels of technological process but no gas-powered vehicles to ruin the atmosphere for future generations with. Living heaven for a select folk of people. Well, a good walk would probably help steady my mind too.

As I made my way back to the house, I stopped by the mailbox, only just now noticing a packaged box on the ground next to it. In my defense, I hadn't been in a state to really notice my surroundings until just around a few seconds ago. Waking up with utter irritation packaged with a brain that felt like it was shrinking in on itself does that to you.

A slight push of it told me it had to be something at least important inside with how much it weighed. Again, I thanked the ponygods that be that I had the good fortune to be born in a neighborhood where nobody bothered to steal mail right from under my nose.

And another one for having a house not remarkable enough to be on any robber's hit list.

Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth greeted me with a meow as I entered the house, box in hand. He looked up from the bowl of milk I'd left out for him, which had dropped in volume a surprising amount.

I was no Fluttershy, but from what I could remember, milk was bad for adult cats; something about their enzymes not being able to break it down to a form that didn't leave them all sick and queasy. But then again, I wasn't exactly on Earth, and last I checked ponies shouldn't have sickenly high amounts of sugar in their everyday diet. Not that I ever checked during my many years with the internet, but the point still stood.

So what the hell did I know?

With a knife I cut through the packaging, revealing a nice solid chunk of metal I'd have fun getting down to size. By that I meant finding a forge and probably paying someone else to do that for me.

A quick read told me that I apparently had schooling that'd been missed and I stopped reading once I got that information, sliding the letter into that 'Oh shit, I'm a Pony' book I had open on my bed table. The key to dealing with problems was to leave them to be solved later when you had no choice but to face them.

Of course, I probably couldn't avoid the fact that I had school for very long, but dwelling on stuff you couldn't control was a one way road to angstville and I long reserved to not go down that route.

So I obviously took the only rational course of action.

I took out the letter and offered the paper to Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth. The cat took one look at my letter and scratched at it, tearing a slash into a nice portion of the letter. I held it out again and he slashed further, leaving it looking as little more than a child's very poor attempt at origami.

Now if anyone asked, I could say my cat attacked my government issued mail, and it wouldn't even be a lie.

"Who is the goodest little terror around?" I reached out and petted him, and the lazy cat did little more but roll over, stretching his legs out. "Oh, yes you are."

This was what we called a healthy relationship.

— 7 —​

Bulket's Vay had come in clutch for me once more. I'd been able to zone myself out for some time, just letting myself continue to push my body through the motions til I could no longer. My last act was an awkward plank, just keeping myself as still as I could until my legs gave out, leaving me to lie in a buddle of my own sweat.

Yeah, everything still hurt, but it hurt in a good way. The kind of pain one should seek to inflict on themselves on an at least bi-weekly basis.

"Trying to impress a special somepony?" the pony behind the counter said to me as I was leaving. "Haven't seen a pony push themselves that hard in a while."

I grinned. "Yeah, myself. Be tryin' to see how much bullshit I can put up with til it comes crumbling down. Weight's nothing compared to what's out there."

As I stepped out of the gym, I nearly ran face first into a police pony. Only fast acting stopped an accident and potential questioning as to what I had inside my knapsack.

He just nodded and mouthed me an apology before briskly trotting off, obviously having very important places to go.

Come to think of it, I'd been seeing more of them around since this morning. Not that I hadn't seen any police ponies prior to today, but I'd just written them off as fodder in my mind and just never paid much attention to the few I saw walking around. Though to be fair, it was Canterlot; I'd imagine if any crime did happen here, it was of the bourgeoisie and as such not actually a crime at all.

Other than robberies I suppose. Well, I've been wrong before.

News must travel fast around here, at least when with a monster being introduced into the mix. I could only guess because I hadn't received any newspapers for myself, either on the doorstep or in my mailbox. Dirt Pile must've not been subscribed to whatever replaced The New York Times in this universe… which I guess I couldn't blame him for; it wasn't as if I were partially tapped into the news all that much on Earth. Just a casual scroll of the phone gave me whatever I found interesting at the moment.

With thoughts of missing the usefulness of modern technology, I made my way up to Canterlot-Cardigan, ponies giving me a considerable berth when they saw me coming. Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth sure was making a good argument for his continued stay with me without using a single word.

Right now, the bruise I'd gotten from last night only hurt a little bit. Wasn't too sure what I should've been expecting when the pony over the counter slid what looked like green plant matter mushed together, but I considered it a miracle all together the painkillers had worked. Fast acting too, once I'd downed a pitch black mug of coffee to go with it. Don't need to wonder how far pony medical technology had gone when I had discount ibuprofen at my hooftips.

Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth poked his head out of my side bag as I entered what I believed to be a shop for string… and only string. Shops in this place tended to be rather on the nose more often than not, but right now that suited my purposes just fine.

Would love to see how customer service would work in a unicorn-ran Walmart.

"Know where I can get some frighteningly tough string?" I said, leaning a forelimb against the counter. I made sure to give a good smile, the disarming, not the dis-arming kind.

"The back," the light-green colored pegasus behind it said, unfurling a wing to gesture at the general area behind me. He hadn't even looked up from the book he was reading, which looked more like a comic more than anything else.

Strong ponies, powerful ponies, I remember the title of a series in the show having something-ponies in it. From where I stood, I couldn't get a good eye on whatever he was reading.

Sir Fluffington let out a long meowl, causing the pegasus to look up.

"Is he going to be a problem?" he asked in that 'oh, I am just so done with this shit' tone convenience store employees all liked to share.

"No. Not unless you have a rodent infection, but by then, that'd really make the entire situation your fault in the first place. So… not unless if you make one," I said with the biggest shit-eatung grin I could muster. Or I had a need to introduce a pony to a being of feral nature.

That got me a long stare as the pegasus returned to his comic.

I made like a string bean and stretched my way across the store, giving the small instrument section on the right a glance. Okay, so it was a string and instrument repair shop. Had to wonder where ponies got the idea for such small precision objects without wielding unopposable thumbs. Maybe they stole the idea from other creatures? Other worlds? I knew Celestia had mirror portals in some hidden castle room, but that didn't mean other creatures couldn't have found them first.

"Hey, it's brooding and mysterious," a girl said, startling me enough that I jumped, my ears perking up as well. The kitty in my side pocket gave protesting scratches at that.

I turned to see a familiar mint-green coat of fur and hovering papers in a green aura. I tugged on my Stetson. "Long days and pleasant nights?"

"You could say that," Lyra answered, before taking a look at my face and wincing. "But I bet you wish you could say the same."

"A, wrong answer again. And B, I'll have you know, I have some very rough lovers."

That got me a half grin. "Who are you kissing? A unicorn with a crooked horn?"

"Who said it had to be a unicorn…" I said trailing off, throwing my vision to the right. I gave the string an experimental tug. "Or even a pony at all?"

She shot me a look. "You can't just lead up with that and not continue."

"Well, you did say I was brooding and mysterious." I brought a hoof against my chest. "It would be mighty rude of me to disappoint a lady like that. Can't break your expectations or you might shatter into a million little pieces."

"Oh please, I'm not that fragile," she said in mock offense. "Only in one circumstance: when you touch my precious lyre baby without permission and set one of the strings off pitch. A disaster waiting to happen… for the other pony."

My eyes flickered down to the lyre image pasted on her ass. There was something crass I could say here, but for once I listened to my head and thought otherwise. "Even the musicians at the CSGU are deadly! I would hate to be in your audience."

Without missing a beat, she said, "The only thing I'd be killing is your boredom. You might as well call me Lyre Heartstrings."

I squinted. "Ain't your name already Lyra? Sounds similar enough already."

She blinked, eyes slightly widened. "Yeah… but how do you know that?"

"Your friends don't know basic internet safety," I said, letting the first thing that came to mind spill out from my lips.

"Internet?"

"I mean, I overhead them when we was talkin'." I flicked my ears and held the bring of my Stetson. "You may think these be fo' show, but a guy can learn a lot just by sittin' back and observing."

I could see her mind putting things together, and immediately worked to change the subject to one with less charged implications. I rasped my hooves against the ground as I would with hands and knuckles.

"You convinced me with your oh so amazing and convincing arguments!" I nudged my sidesack, and Sir Fluffington poked his head out, letting out a meow before blinking my at as both. Lyra's eyes moved from my face to the kitty in my pocket. "Meet the terror and demon in the flesh."

"That little cutie?" Lyra raised a hoof, cooing a little as Sir Fluffington leaned into her hoofrub. That continued on for a bit before she stepped back. "He couldn't hurt a fly. The only terror I see here is you."

I gave her a smile with a little too much teeth. "Keep this up, and my heart is going to turn completely ice cold, and it'll be all your fault."

Lyra tugged at one of the strings and frowned a little, most likely not finding them satisfactory. "I think you'll be just fine. Brooding and mysterious stallions like you can't let itty bitty words keep yourself down; that would just be whiny"

I decided to take that as a complement. "At least you have the grace to admit I got a bit' of strength in me. Small victories be the path to real victory, so watch out."

Lyra rolled her eyes in that dismissive manner only a girl could pull. "And your path to victory led you here?"

I raised a hoof. "That be part of the equation, but it's more of a pitstop than anythin' else. Just need to get us a nice ball of string to play with."

"'Us'?"

I smiled. "Do you not play with your pets? Perfectly normal thing to do, just in case you didn't know."

Sir Fluffington meowed in obvious agreement.

She scoffed. "My lyre is pet enough for me. Why do you think I'm here in the first place? I need to get replacement string for my baby in case they decide to snap in the middle of a performance."

"Performance issues?" Yeah, I couldn't help myself.

Lyra blew a strand of hair out from her face. "I am going to find where you live and you get to listen to the horror that is a snapping lyre strand right up to your ear."

I held my hoof over the lower half of my face. "Don't ya dare threaten me with a good time."

I made my way further down the aisle, finding thicker string that was honestly a lot more like rope in consistency. I should've just led with that from the start. A stray thought had me wondering just how much I weighed; physics was a little wonky in this world, all things considered. Just might be possible for me to cheese on by using string that shouldn't uphold my weight in any possible way.

"That's one big roll of string you're getting there," Lyra said as she brought a hoof to a much thinner strand than the one I was taking hoof at.

I tapped my face. "Kitty got claws. It's best he works them on something that isn't my face. Or any part of me."

"Well, what's his name?"

I cleared my throat before saying in an over-pompous tone, "Sir Fluffington the Thirteenth, only the most glorious name imaginable."

Lyra nodded in agreement, proving she at least had some semblance of a brain somewhere in her noggin. "Well, he sure does seem regal."

"Speaking of regal, would you like to help his regal majesty help me in a very specific task?

She squinted, making a funny face. "Again, I don't think I could help you get into CSGU even if I wanted to. If I was a royal, maybe… but I'm just your average everyday gifted unicorn."

I gave her a sly smile. "And just an average rich bumpkin?"

Lyra snorted. "I wish. Do you know what I could do with a few extra bits lying around?"

"Buy another lyre?"

"What did I say about my baby?" she said, raising a hoof to her chest in horror. "I could never betray him."

"Pssst, weirdo."

"Me, weird? Says the one trying to find Twilight of all ponies," she said with snark unbecoming of her character.

I almost responded with the obvious fact that she were the princess' student, but got hit with that same feeling when I'd brought up the changeling to those ponies at that bitch of a unicorn's mansion. Was that even public knowledge yet? Had it ever become public knowledge? What if I said something that went too far here?

My hoof went to my side, and it took me a moment to realize I didn't have anything to drink there.

I suckered in a breath.

"Ah, I ain't weird. I'm normal," I said in as neutral a tone as I could. Even if she were a magical unicorn pony, Lyra remained a female first, and like any woman it was important to not clutch your pearls around them. And like any other normal female, if she smelt weakness she would tear off my balls and crush them. "I'm just a poor country bumpkin who been wishin' to see magic up close for once. Yes, I have small dreams and aspirations."

"So you're an old school permanager? I don't think you'll find any princesses that need to be saved here."

I blinked. She spoke the word as if I should know it, but to my both English and scattered knowledge of other languages, the term was foreign. I rasped a hoof against the ground, deciding to do what I did best when caught on the backfoot.

Changing the subject.

"Notice how I don't have a horn as most of you lot do. I might as well file for disability as I is now."

"Right," she said as if nothing was wrong, looking very pointedly at the papers hovering in her magical aura.

"I also have a small bundle of terror at my call." Sir Fluffington poked his head and I ruffled the fur beneath his ears. "You've already seen him."

"Again, that would be you," Lyra said in a matter of fact tone. Sir Fluffington showed signs of betrayal as he purred at Lyra's tug of his cheek. Stay strong, don't fall for the enemy's vile tricks! "You already have the scratches, all you need is an actual outfit, and you'd be all good for Nightmare Night."

"And deny the ladies a look at my wonderful gains? That would be a travesty."

I felt her eyes scan me before they rolled. "You might have a small point there."

"Okay, now I know you're just screwin' with me." Finding a satisfying length of rope, I used the blade attached to the wall to cut it off and took an awkward amount of time trying to get it in a way that I could lift easily. Being on all fours was the worst.

"Need some help there Mister Brooding?" Lyra asked, hovering the string she had gotten in front of me in a manner I could only describe as somewhat mocking.

"Nope, I'm all good," I tried to say through teeth clenched around rope. Smarter to lift stuff like a common animal than to have a lass think less of you; that there was the road that led to a fate worse than eternal damnation.

Lyra gave me a look that suggested she didn't at all believe my words, muttering the word 'colts' underneath her breath in a volume that would've been impossible to hear should I have lacked animal ears.

I brought up my stuff to the counter to pay for it, with Lyra following behind me to do the same. I began to hum a tune, the same one I'd heard at the mansion party that'd been crashed and burned by shapeshifting aliens. And the bodyjacked earth pony.

"I didn't catch it," she said, breaking the silence. At my confused look she pushed on. "Your name, that is. We've been met like this twice now and I have no idea what you're even called."

I smirked at her. "Whoa there cowgirl. As you say, I'm a traditional colt; don't be tellin' gals my name til the third meeting."

"Really keeping the mysterious 'bit', huh." She had this funny sideways smile on her face. "Do colts still think it's fun to keep up a chase?"

Chase? Oh, she meant dating wise.

That was one way to take my words, even if I hadn't intended for that, I reckon. I gave that a bit of serious thought. It wasn't as if I had anything particularly important planned, and Sir Fluffington wasn't meowing his disagreements, so the outing probably wasn't going to screw me over later down the line.

On another note, it would give me more possibilities to meet up with Twilight Sparkle.

I began looping the coil of rope around my hoof. "So, we down for another chance meet up? Bring ya friends and we can hoedown like it's no tomorrow."

"Uh, something like that," Lyra said with a sort of shrug. She began to make her way out of the store, her purchased items trailing behind her like bees on honey.

"You can walk that off, but you can't hide!" I called out to her leaving self. "Seriously, I know where you go to school."

I then flashed one of my good smiles to the pegasus behind the counter giving me a concerned and wide-eyed look.

"And in case you were wondering, I am not a creep."



A/N: Glossary (Because I do enjoy a little worldbuilding here and there)

Permanager (informal) — Term referring to foreigner living in a place that they don't truly belong; Also can mean Hero. Can be derogatory in depending on the context context.