My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

Chapter 26: We're Shameless

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Somehow we managed to reach the infirmary without damaging the palace too much. The doctors there, after learning of the mercury poisoning, politely asked us to vacate the premise in respect to the Empress’ privacy.

I had no idea what they were going to do, but the repeated sounds of someone emptying their stomach coming from the infirmary quickly killed any curiosity I had in that regard.

I’m starting to suspect that EMIYA numbs down how easy it is to disgust me because I never seemed to be feeling this sick on the battlefield.

When it was finally done we were admitted back, where Shi was sleeping in one of the infirmary’s beds. Lu and Sun decided to wait there for their friend to wake up, leaving me with the job to calm down everyone in the castle.

After convincing even the most stubborn ones that, no, their Empress wasn’t dying I went to check in on her. Shi was still sleeping, but Sun and Lu asked me to take their places for a few minutes while they get something to drink for when she would wake up.

It was just my luck that Shi began to stir a mere minute after the other two left. “Un, urngh…” She opened her meek purple eyes, slowly blinking and looking around. “Where am I…?”

“You’re in the infirmary.” I said from my position on the wall. “Have a nice nap sleeping beauty?”

...Note to self: Suave cool guy is not my roll. Also, no matter how many times you practice your lines in your head it doesn’t always work in reality.

“Eh? Oh, uhm…” She blushed, her pale skin making it even more pronounced. “I apologize...I’ll wake up quicker next time…”

“It’s fine.” NO IT’S NOT FINE SHE’S BLUSHING I DON’T WANT A HIMIKO ALL OVER AGAIN. “After what the doctors gave you… Yeah uh, it’s no surprise you were out like a light. Not like you went to sleep naturally after all.”

“Uuuh…” She blushed even harder, probably in embarrassment. “Uhm...forgive me, but where are Lu and Sun?”

“They just left to go get water for when you wake up.” I shrugged, pointing at the door. “They should be back soon provide something unexpected doesn’t happen.”

I paused before shifting my gaze from the door to the wall. “You uh, you think we should be prepared just in case Lu decides to make an entrance?”

“I’m sorry, Lu is a bit of a scatterbrain.” She coughed slightly before trying to stand up. “I need to...ah!”

She started to fall down.

“WOAH THERE!” I exclaimed, dashing over to her side in order to pick her up. “As cliche as this may sound I really doubt you should get out of bed. Especially after that operation. Like, moving around isn’t even remotely a good idea.”

The door chose that exact moment to slide open. “Shi! Are you up? I brought you something to drink.” Sun announced, a tray with different cups in her hands.

“Shi, you alright? Or can you still not move?” Lu worried.

“Ah…” Shi softly gasped.

“Oh…” Lu muttered.

“Well, well. You two…” Sun commented, a strangely pleased expression on her face.

“It’s not wh- Wait no crap there’s no way I’m finishing that sentence.” BLRGGGG. “Head. Women. Don’t go there.”

“I just tripped.” Shi defended herself. “Nothing’s going on here…”

“I’ve got an idea. Perhaps us third wheels should make our exist. We’ll wait in the hallway. We’ll be sure to clear everyone out, so you can go 3, 5, maybe even 5 times. Don't forget to let him lead!” Sun was literally sparkling.

“Ahhh...Finally, the day that Shi becomes an adult…” While Lu was crying like a mother who saw her daughter getting married.

My jaw dropped. “I-I was about to make a comment along the lines of ‘how many romance books have you read?!’ but you two, your heads went far, far deeper down the rabbit hole than I expected.”

“W-Wait...There is a misunderstanding…” Sun was turning redder and redder by the second.

“Good luck!” Lu offered us a thumb-up before closing the door and leaving with Sun.

“...” Shin coughed blood and fainted. Again.

I slowly put her back down on the bed before trying to process what just happened.

I… What?

What just happened?

Sun and Lu just came in, made me act out the most cliche ecchi trope in the book and then left thinking I was going to have my way with Shi.

And if Yoshi were to find out…

My legs moved immediately and the door that the two Taika generals just left through was instantly blown out into the hallway with a loud bang. The air around me grew ten times hotter as I stepped out of the room with my eyes twitching. “GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!”

====

After the initial chaos I managed to catch up with those two perverts and clear the misunderstanding before the damage could become irreversible. Yoshi gave Sun and Lu a mighty scolding, and even I got reprimanded for using my aura inside a building.

Truth be told I didn’t even know I had an aura until that incident. Usually things just light on fire.

A few days later, when Shi felt well enough to stand and walk, me, Himiko and Yoshi met up with the Taika trio in the conference room.

“I, I apologize for all the troubles we caused…” Shi began, her voice soft as ever.

“Well it’s not your fault.” I turned to the green haired women. “Right?”

“Seeing Shi’s cheeks turn red like that…” She didn’t even look sorry, just disappointed. “My instinct led me astray on that one.”

“Our reunion ended in quite the misunderstanding…”

“Oh well.” Lu shrugged, looking as carefree as ever. “Anyway, now that you’re well, Shi, we need to decide what we’ll do.”

“You’re right.” She nodded at the redhead before facing us: while still frail, now there was also a palpable sense of dignity in Shi’s overall appearance. “Can I ask...what will become of us?”

“I…” I began before turning to my companions. “I have no idea. Someone want to answer that? Himiko not included.”

“Oni-san!” She gave me a cute frown. “Why do you say that? I’m sure, now that we’re the winners, they’ll surely believe my prophecy and join us in the unification of the world under the benevolent rule! Of Zipang!”

“You were thinking of tickle torturing them weren’t you?”

“No! Just...a bit of gloating? Maybe had them buy some cute Taika dress...?”

“And that’s why you’re not allowed to talk.” Yoshi chopped Himiko on her head before addressing Shi. “It is not Zipang’s intention to oppress foreign countries. Rather, for our mission to unite the world to be successful we would like for each unification to be as smooth as possible. Furthermore, the Taika Empire is vast: we don’t have the manpower to replace everyone in its bureaucracy, so it’s better to just let those already there continue their work. To put it bluntly...Qin Shi Huang, Empress of the Taika Empire: we would like you and your general to join us. In exchange you can continue to govern Taika as you did before.”

“...You, you will leave it up to me?”

“Yeaaaaaaah.” I shrugged. “I uh, quite frankly I’m not the best of leaders. Hell I didn’t want to be the Emperor of Zipang but ya pull the magic sword outta it’s sheath and Bada bing Bada boom you’re stuck with the job. Which is why I will lead the most effective way I can!”

I raised a pointer finger in the air before putting it down and staring at the Taika Squad flatly. “Making other people do the work for me.”

Sun gave me a flat look. “Everyone is capable of that.”

“And thus, bureaucracy.” I gave a mock bow. “No but seriously I’m kind of just here. Yoshi’s the one who does most of the work. And before your mind even goes there no I’m not marrying her just so she can keep doing my paperwork!”

“Don’t worry, you’re doing nothing to push me down that route.” Yoshi gave me an even flatter look.

“Uhh…” Shi looked around confused before turning to her friends. “Lu, Sun: what should I do?”

“Here you see my strategy in action.” I whispered to Yoshi in a disguised cough.

Lu smiled. “Go with your heart Shi. I don’t mind either way.”

“It will always be the three of us together.” Sun reassured her. “I will leave the decision to you.”

“You don’t have to answer us now.” Himiko fidgeted. “You can take a couple of days to think it over…”

“No, allow me to answer here and now.” While still soft, now Shi’s tone was also resolute. “It seems it’s already been decided...Please allow us to join you. If it’s the Taika Empire, then I-” She coughed slightly. “I know more than anyone. If I can serve the people...then I would ask for nothing else.”

“Done.” I waved. “Right! So is this meeting over or do we have to explain everything right now?”

“Depends on what you mean with ‘everything’.” Sun grinned. “I don’t recall any human anatomy chapters in my textbooks, but if you give me half an hour I’ll gather all relevant texts from the library.”

I blinked at her.

Well let’s see…

“SoHimikogotaprohecyawhilebackthatstatedthattheworldwasgoingtondduetoqnunkowncauseorsomethingsoshedecidedtogoconquertheworldinordertounitetheworldqndstandagainstheoncomingapocolypsemeanwhiletheworodwarsucksandnoonefuckinglikesitsothepositiveaspectsofhumanitycalledthecounterforcedecidedtosummonaheroorcountergaurdianinodertofixeverythingsotheysummonedmefromthealternatetimelineuniversethatIwaalivinginforreasonsunkowneventomeandthat’swhyI’mherealsothegodsareeitherdeadorneverexistedwhothefuckknowsalsoalsomymentorYamatoTakeruwentrealfuckingweirdamdtheprevailingtheoryisthatshe’sbrainwashedwellanywaysherpowergotcomoketlyboostedandshealsodecidedtogoonaselfrightousgenocidespreeandwedon’tknowwheresheisanymorebecauseshevanishedintotheunkownandthatistheplotsofar.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Any questions?”

There was an awkward silence that lasted for a full minute before Lu raised a hand. “How did you manage to say all that without breathing?”

“Very carefully.”

====

For those who, understandably, skipped the wall of text:

Spoiler

“So Himiko got a prophecy awhile back that stated that the world was going to end due to unknown cause or something so she decided to go conquer the world in order to unite the world and stand against the oncoming apocalypse. Meanwhile the world war sucks and none fucking likes it so the positive aspects of humanity called the counter force decided to summon a hero or counter guardian in order to fix everything, so they summoned me from the alternate timeline universe that I was living in for reasons unknown even to me and that’s why I’m here. Also the gods are either dead or never existed who the fuck knows. Also, my mentor Yamato Takeru went real fucking weird and the prevailing theory is that she’s brainwashed. Well, anyways her powers came back boosted and she also decided to go on a self righteous genocide spree and we don’t know where she is anymore because she vanished into the unknown and that is the plot so far.”

 

Chapter 27: Kids In America

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“Right,- I began, peeking behind the corners of the empty hallway Lancelot and I were currently in. “Coast is clear. You got your sword ready?”

“Me and Arondight are ready to take a stab at it anytime!” She enthusiastically declared, her blade glowing a violet purple. “Just show us the target and we’ll do the deed with none the wiser.”

“Roger that. Remember, we have to be really stealthy about this so make sure to keep A-Aron’s presence elimination field up at all times.” I sighed before walking up to the only door in the hallway and putting a hand on the handle,.“No talking until the coast is clear, we G&G. Got it?”

“Are snacks allowed? The tension is making me hungry.”

“Oh Lance, we’re gonna have a party after this one.” I chuckled. “Now.... go!”

And with that I basically slammed the door open, the sound of the sliding door hitting the wall with a solid clack only to reveal the former (but basically still) empress of Taika herself.

“E-Eh?” She looked up from the scroll she was reading, a bit startled. “Oh, Chen-dono. Can I help you?”

Without saying a word I shifted my body to the side, allowing Lancelot to pass through into the room.

“Excuse me.” GODDAMNIT I JUST WENT OVER THIS! * With a carefree smile as ever she marched straight to Shi.

“E-Eep!”

And picked her up, moving the small girl behind her back and quickly locking her arms under the target’s legs. In a way, it was a quick and skillful way to give someone a piggyback.

“C-Chen-dono? Lancelot-dono?” Shi hesitantly asked after grabbing on Lancelot’s shoulders. “What..is happening?”

“Can’t talk, Chen said so.” Was the laconic answer. The room started to get slightly hotter as I glared at Lancelot.

“Whatever.” I sighed,.“Let me remind you too keep your sword’s field up… Now go go go!”

And with that we all start booking it from the room and down the palace’s corridors at full speed.

“Wha, wha, what’s going on?!” Shi cried softly.

Oh, she had no idea…

====

The sound of party poppers ringed throughout the meeting room we had brought Shi to. She sat at the end of the table, though with all the snacks and papers on it seemed less like a meeting room and more like a refurbished club room. The rest of the occupants of the room, that being BenBen and Himiko, leisurely ate the food reserved for Lancelot because we have no rules yo.

Also Yoshi was there too, I guess, but she was too busy sighing in her seat like always.

“Surprise!” Me and Lancelot exclaimed, putting the party poppers down before giving each other a high five.

Shi shyly looked around in slight bewilderment. “Uhm...I can see this is a celebration, but for what?”

“Ahem.” I began,.“Well you see-”

“Welcome to the Idiot Brigade!” BenBen cheered, her face stained with cream.

I snapped my fingers, before putting a finger at the brown haired girl “Yes that! Welcome to the Idiot Brigade! We uh…”

My head turned back to the rest of the Brigade. “What do we do again?”

“You spend the budget into trash food and entertainment publications while proudly declaring yourself idiots.” Yoshi’s reply was delivered with a flat tone and just an ounce of pity.

“I’ll have you know that our budget is perfectly reasonable here!” Come on don’t just assume I’m wasting all our money! “And entertainment publications? Who the hell calls books entertainment publications? Don’t try to be an intellectual.”

Yoshi lifted up a copy of the latest Young Hop. “You call this a book?”

“Yes.” I basically hissed out. “Just because a manga has pictures doesn’t mean it’s not a piece of literature. It’s the story that matters in the end. Though, I will admit compared to back home you guys are mostly shit in terms of literature, or maybe I’m just too used to the way stories are told back home.”

“I take offense to that.” She shot me a half-lidden glare. “Just because you come from a more advanced world doesn’t mean its literature is automatically better. Can you prove it?”

“Please don’t fight…” Shi pleaded.

“Eh, this is normal.” I waved the blonde girl off. “And like I said, it could be that I’m just too used to the ways stories are told back home. Modern and slash or postmodern storytelling is mostly the norm back home so the way stories are written here are kinda… off. It’s hard to explain with none of you having read works like I have. I’d offer to write one myself but, well, I highly doubt my skills are up to par with a professional.”

“Aren’t we here to welcome a new member?” Himiko interjected while eating shrimp chips one after the other.

“...Right yeah!” I turned back to Shi. “Welcome to the Idiot Brigade Shi! We eat snacks, entertain ourselves, and generally have fun! Though I should probably mention you’re in whether you like it or not. That’s how Yoshi got in after all.”

“M-Me? I never being part of a brigade before, I don’t know what to do…”


“Relax!” A laugh escaped my lips. “Now as a completely responsible leader-”

Yoshi coughed.

“As a completely responsible leader-” I began again. “I have thus began a group activity so that we can all get to know each other! ...Please don’t tell me we’re actually going through with it.”

“King Game! King Game!” Benben threw her arms in the air. “It has to be King Game!”

“Okay thank god we aren’t going with Truth or Dare!” I through my hands up in the air. “Okay so… How do you play the King Game? I know the gist but I never played it myself.”

“It’s actually simple.” Yoshi took out six chopsticks from a glass full of them (why was that even there?) and produced a pencil. “First, you write ‘KING’ on one chopstick and number the rest from 1 upwards.”

After doing so she took an empty cup, put the chopsticks inside so that the numbers are concealed and shook them so that they mixed. “Everyone draw a stick without telling the others their number. The person who draw the ‘KING’ chopstick can give orders to the other players to perform by stating their numbers, but he must do so before knowing who has which number. After each deed is done the chopsticks are gathered again and the process is repeated.”

“...This is going to hell fast I can already tell.” I sighed. “Right let’s get this show on the road!”

With a few gulps everyone held out their hands.

“Ready...Go!”

We all grabbed a chopstick and pulled it out.

“What a coincidence, I am the King.” Yoshi showed the chopstick with ‘KING’, a faint smile on her lips.

“Oh god no.” I whispered in horror, looking at my number.

One huh?
“Let’s see...1 must go down on their knees and kiss 5’s hand.”

“5. That’s me.” Lancelot showed her chopstick.

“...Right okay are you cheating?” I glared at Yoshi. “Are you?”

“The only rule of the King Game, is that the King’s orders are absolute.” She replied with a refreshing smile.

“Hand-kissing? I always had to do it, never received one myself.” Lancelot stood up and held out her right. Himiko and BenBen were trying way too hard to not snicker. “What did Galahad always say...Something about sucking in your split and don’t comment on the taste?”

“Fucking whatever.” I sighed, getting on my knees. “Put your hand out, this could be worse I suppose.”

She leaned forward and extended her hand.

“Here I go…” I coughed before pecking her hand and jumping right back on my feet. “Okay! That doesn’t count as the first time I kissed a girl right?”

“No.” Yoshi’s expression turned sly. “But thanks for the detail about your life.”

“Oh you act like I keep the fact I have no love life whatsoever a secret.” Really now, come on. “So what’s the next order your majesty?”

“Uhm…” She pondered. “2 must hold 4 bridal style and hop around.”

“2!” Benkei revealed.

“...4.” Shi shyly admitted. “Kya!”

Without hesitation BenBen picked up Shi bridal style and began to hop around the room while singing some kind of kiddy rhyme. “An acorn rolled down and down~ He suddenly fell into a pond~! Then came the loaches~ Hi boy! Come play with us~!”

“I don’t like where this rhyme is going.” I declared. “It’s already dark enough."

“The acorn enjoyed playing with them~ But he soon began to cry~ I want to go back to the mountain~! The loaches didn't know what to do~”

“That’s enough Benkei.” Yoshi tried to call the excited girl down.

“‘Kay!”

“Ooohh...this is not good for my health…” Shi moaned after being put down.

“Finally…” Yoshi turned to Himiko.

“You can’t tell me to study harder!” She immediately objected. “The king’s orders cannot continue past the game’s end!”

“True.” Yoshi nodded. “3 must croak like a frog.”

“Buwaaahh!!” Himiko gaped.

“Oh you got off easy compared to everyone else!” I growled. “Croak! Croak I say!”

“Ribbit! Ribbit!” Yoshi made a ‘go on’ gesture. “Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!”

“Good enough I suppose.” Yoshi commented after Himiko turned red from the effort. “Ready for another round?”

“Fucking bring it.”

“Benkei’s King!” The green-eyed girl laughed.

Number two this time huh? Well let’s just hope things turn out all righ-

“Mumumumu…” Benkei looked like she was thinking really hard. “1, feed me!”

“Okay.” Lancelot took out a spoon of ice-cream. “Say aaah~”

“Aaah~” The Britannian girl put the spoon into Benkei’s mouth. When she pulled it out it the spoon was completely clean. “Next...2, feed me!”

“Are you just going to request food from everyone?”

“...Can Benkei request headpats too?” She replied with an innocent smile.

“You can request-” I wriggled my fingers. “Anything.”

Her eyes sparkled. “The biggest mochi in the world?!”

“Okay clarification time.” Oh dear god this was gonna give me a headache wasn’t it? “You can request people to do anything.”

“Okey dokey~ Then, 2 feed me again. 3 give me a headpat. 4 and 5 sing a song with me!”

...Yeah I should’ve expected this.

====

Several hours later and we were finally free of that accursed game by virtue of morpheus' embrace. That wasn’t to say it wasn’t fun, it was plenty, but I once again realized that when it comes to party games like this I’m really really bad at coming up with orders.

And also halfway through I ended up shirtless for some reason so there’s that.

Nevertheless soon it was just Yoshi and I actually talking in the Brigade HQ, the others having long since gone to sleep. In the HQ. Yeah I have no idea why they didn’t just hit the bed, it’s not like the meeting table was comfortable.

“That was fun.” Yoshi smiled, seeming unmindful of the bowl she had to wear. “We should do it again.”

“Ugh, please no.” I groaned. “I’d have to make a list of orders just so I wouldn’t have to come up with them on the spot again.”

“That’s the beauty of this game.” She replied easily. “Do you mind bringing the others back to their rooms? Especially Shi-san, we can’t let her sleep on the floor.”

“Oh uh, no problem. Should probably wait for my shirt to dry first though.” My body shivered in the cold air. “Don’t want Sun to get the wrong idea again.”

“Let’s avoid that.” Walking in front of Himiko, who was mumbling in her sleep, she pulled her up from under the arms. “Come on Himiko, let’s-”

“Noo!” The black-haired girl cried out in her sleep. “Why are Yoshitsune’s boobs bigger than mine? It’s not fair!”

Startled Yoshi lost her hold on Himiko, who while falling suddenly grabbed onto Yoshi’s chest.

“Ah! Wha-”

There was a loud ripping sound. Himiko landed on her face, clutching pieces of torn white fabric in her fists.

Two flesh-colored balls rolled around before stopping, one against the table and the other against the wall.

I couldn’t help but notice it.

Those were pads, and Yoshi’s chest was as flat as a boy.

...My eyes turned from the pads to her face, which was flushed bright red. “You uh, you know I’ve thought to myself once or twice that you were a washboard compared to everyone else but I didn’t actually think it was true.”

“...You saw, didn’t you?” Yoshi whispered, her eyes empty as her whole body shook. “Even though I was trying to hide it from everyone...I never thought you’d be the one to find out…”

“Well uh-” I looked away, my face turning hot. “I… have no idea what to do here. You uh- Okay I’ll bite. I’m morbidly curious as to why you’re hiding the fact that you’ve grown as much as BenBen.”

“...My clan didn’t choose to become like this… Oh, why do I have to go through all of this? Now… Now then, let’s have you atone.” With a very forced smile she unsheathed her katana. “Now that you’ve seen what you’ve seen I can’t let you live, you know? I’ll at least make it a painless death.”

“I SPEAK FOR HUMANITY WHEN I SAY FLAT IS JUSTICE!” I yelled, only to have to roll on to the ground as the crazy chick sliced where I just stood. “Okay so maybe the genetic lottery made you have less curves than a square! It’s not all that bad right?!”

She started swinging harder.

====

So I got the explanation to what that was about!

“Whaaaaaaaaaaat.”

I didn’t understand it all that well.

“Like I said, it’s a curse.” Yoshi sighed. “My family, the Minamoto, had a long-lasting feud with the Taira family. My ancestors managed to finally defeat them, but before dying the heroes of Taira cursed us. It’s known as the ‘Taira Curse’. The Minamoto has been cursed to be flat-chested...” She was on the verge of crying. “My mother, my grandmother, my aunties...there is none of us yet who have escaped this powerful curse.”

“So what you’re telling me,” I began. “Is that a clan who just had been murdered in it’s entirety, cursed your clan to make you… flat chested in revenge? That’s, well I’d say that’s pretty fucking stupid but then again people like NobuNobu exist.”

“We didn’t wipe them out completely. I know for a fact remnants of the Taira still exist in hiding.” She sighed. “It’s because the Taira were ridiculed for being flat-chested. Perhaps they just couldn’t contain their anger… If possible, please keep this a secret from the others.”

“I mean… I guess I could sorta see where you’re coming from.” Let’s see… “If I’m remembering right, though I don’t think it was a curse, my family had something to that effect to? Well, the long story short of it was that as far as I know, all the blood-related males on my father's side of the family spent their youths as fat boys who ate too much food for their own good and had to take drastic measures to get into shape. Yeah I know, sounds bizarre coming from me but I guess somewhere along the line an inversion had to take place eventually.”

“But they could lose weight with enough effort. My breasts won’t grow any bigger no matter what I do. It’s something I quietly worked hard to overcome a long time ago. Ah, if only there was a way to break the curse…”

“...Do you really want that?” I sighed. “Look I’m no expert on feminine growth or psychology but is there a particular reason you want the curse broken? Besides jealousy and having a convenient target to put your anger on that is.”

The look she gave me could have killed a bull ten times over, telling me to shut up or else.

But then again, at this point I was absurdly used to women giving me that look.

===

Notes:

Chen: So in hindsight, looking back at all of this, I can tell you exactly where this chapter came from with that little end segment. See, around yesterday or so, circumstances led me to thinking of Eiyuu Senki Beach episode and with that came the wonderful thought of Lu Bu in a bikini. Admit it, you’re grateful I gave you that mental image.

Chen: So anyways I hit up Alex and he’s listening to me ramble on a bit when eventually the thought of the other characters in beach wear get brought up and honestly it’s just sad. So he’s all like “Japan doesn’t like curvy bodies.” and I’m all like “That explains why Yoshi is a goddamn washboard!”

Chen: So he pops in with a picture of Yoshi all like “She has boobs.” Then I back track with “Compared to everyone else.” Then I looked closer and I realized something.

Chen: She has literally no curves whatsoever. I mean I didn’t expect that she also padded her breasts but thinking back on it I can see why Alex revealed that little segment this chapter…

Chen: Thinking back on it I could’ve probably handled the situation better, guess I gotta go talk to her again sometime.

====

Do you think I can post this chapter on SB? Or does it break some rules?

 

Chapter 28: Enter the Sandman

====

“We need you to speak with the governor of Hong Kong and request permission for Zipang troops to pass through it.” With those words Yoshi began the usual meeting.

It was a bit of a bigger size today with our most recent conquest of Taika. Usually it was just Himiko, Yoshi, and I with the occasional visit by Nobu but now that we had another empress (Shi) and the girl who literally wrote the book on warfare (Sun) we now had to expand the meeting room to like, three snacks.

I don’t know what’s up with these women but they sure do love to eat.

“Okay but, like-” I paused, debating my options. “Do I have to like, write a letter or do I have to actually speak with the governor of Hong Kong?”

After all, Taika wasn’t in control of Hong Kong and we needed to pass through Hong Kong to get to our current target, that being India.

Wait if Taika doesn’t have control over Hong Kong than that means...

“I swear if this ends with me having to be in the same room as Arthur again I’m jumping out the nearest window and considering this meeting over.”

“A letter works too, but a direct meeting would go much faster. If it’s you that ask her, Arthur would agree immediately…” Yoishi gave me a knowing look. “But I guess hoping the governor is pliable to our request due to his Queen’s high opinion of you would do. But there is another reason I’m asking you. I would like if, after receiving permission, you do a small tour of the first Indian settlement outside Hong Kong. In disguise.”

“And when you say disguise…”

“Only one or two guards for escort, and acting like a tourist. Not need to change your appearance.” She nodded. “Just go there, look around a little and report everything you see. Easy enough.”

And there goes my plans.

“Is this because of the disaster that was Shanghai?” My eyes glanced at the green devil before continuing. “Actually come to think of it does India have anyone on the strategic level of Sun? I don’t really know much about them now that I think about it…”

“Of course not, I would know of them in that case.” Sun replied. “On the other hand, India has a long tradition of martial arts. Not on the level of Lu of course, but their warriors are very strong. The political landscape on the other hand…”

“That’s one of the reasons I ask you to look around anonymously. I’ll tell you everything at your return, I don’t want to color your future impressions prematurely.” Yoshi finished. “So, who will you take with you?”

Guards. Guards…

Well if we’re talking about Guards there’s only two people I can think of.

“Sasaki and…” Should I? “Lu. Preferably if she doesn’t blow our cover by running through the walls again.”

“Lu’s shoulder has yet to heal, but that hasn’t slowed her down yet.” Sun sighed. “Go ahead, just make sure she doesn’t use her injured arm, please?”

“If she does I’ll, uh.” I tried to think of something before continuing. “I’ll think of a punishment later. You know what? You think of a punishment or something I don’t know her all that well.”

“Easy: Shi will scold her.”

“Uhm...please look after Lu…?” The timid empress asked.

====

So it turns out that we didn’t even need to talk to the Hong Kong governor. Arthur already that for us in advance!

...Which, knowing that crazy woman, is ridiculously creepy. Is she spying on me?

The first Indian village we reached after leaving Hong Kong was the very epitome of rural. The buildings were made of straw and bricks, people walked around in those indian clothes called kurta and saari (I asked), there were cows everywhere and the heat was ramped up to eleven.

Also, Sasaki and Lu wandered away at one point and I currently had no idea where they were. At least we agreed to not leave the village.

That was when two shady-looking guys approached me. “‘Scuse me sir, hold on a second.”

“That’s a nice outfit you’re wearin’.” The second commented, the rest of the villagers quickly moving away or returning to their homes before closing doors and windows. “You came all the way here to sightsee?”

“I dunno-” I replied, stretching my arms. “You practice those lines in a back alley?”

The first guy smirked. “Sorry, but actually you need to pay the toll to cross through here. I’m sure you understand why, even us back-alley folks need to eat.”

“But you seem like a smart guy.” The second guy added. “So, as an exception, we’ll make it cheap for you…”

“WAIT!”

A voice shouted before something impacted the first guy’s head at high speed. “Ouch! What’s this…?” He clawed at his forehead and pulled away...a coin? “A coin? Who did this? And where’re you hiding!? Show yourself!”

It was with the sound of metal rings that their attacker appeared. Dressed in white, she strode through the streets as if they belonged to her, the sound of her staff thumping against the earth stood her declaration.

She was also a tiny brown hair’d girl that’d give Tama a run for her money in the “Smolest Women” category.

“Oh she is just looking to get mugged.” I mumbled to myself.

“Step away from him.” She asked the bandit with a polite but adamant tone. “Let’s just end this without harm done.”

“Wh-Who’re you?! You want some hurtin’!?”

“Where evil takes hold, you will find Sanzou…” She raised the hand with the rosary in the air before lowering it and pointing a finger at the two thugs. “Trying to take advantage of a traveler… Even if the sun has overlooked it, I shan’t allow it!”

“...You people have too much free time if you can say lines like those with a straight face.” I interrupted. “Should I just like, go or…”

They ignored me and kept on. “You are that group of thieves everyone’s been talking about. Are you not ashamed of your actions?”

“Huh? We got nothin’ to be ashamed of.” The second thug retorted. “We’re trying to feed ourselves! We’re just borrowin’ from the rich folks, is all…”

“So it’s the money…” The girl nodded, as if confirming a doubt.

“Of course! You got a problem!?”

“Pitiful people taken in by the allure of money…” She smiled serenely at the thugs, even if her words were very close to be mocking. “But you haven’t fallen to evil just yet. I shall set your minds aright once more.”

Her staff thumped against the earth once more. Before any of us could do anything-

“The gold that you desire...it is gold that controls the world...a symbol of happiness...Magic coins that allow you to possess anything you wish...Or rather magic bills...An all-powerful item, in a sense...the strongest weapon...or the strongest shield. But please, think about this. However you look at it, it’s just an ordinary piece of metal. A certain type of stone or even just a slip of paper. You get no nourishment from it. It has no flavor. It can’t be eaten, whether you boil it or roast it. You can’t wear it or ride it, clean with it or be friends with it─”

She began to talk faster and faster, her mouth moving with an almost machine-like precision. I don’t think she was even breathing.

====

She finished ten minutes later, looking none the worse for it. At one point the thugs were joined by more of their friends, but now most of them were either crying out for their mothers or had ran away. I myself had just settled to sit down on some near by steps and put my face in my hands.

“She’s done!” I exclaimed as soon as she finished. “She’s finally fucking done!”

“Aaah...You talked fer so long most of my friends ran away…” The guy who received a coin on his forehead lamented.

“Many of them regret their sins. Their hearts has been reformed.” She replied, looking satisfied. “Perhaps now they will live justly. Condemn the sin, not the sinner. It seems that was resolved peacefully.”

“It’s not resolved at all! You tryin’a make a fool of me…! Everyone that’s left, let’s get ‘em!”

She frowned in disapproval. “You leave me no choice...Goku, finish this!”

Did she just say Gok-

The tiny red monkey that was previously hanging from her shoulders jumped to the ground and proceeded to beef up and grow until it was a giant monkey that looked jacked up on more steroids than an Armstrong.

“AAAAAHH!!” The thugs managed to scream before being beaten black and blue by the giant monkey.

“Even if they were to escape to the ends of the earth, their crimes are already clear.” She thumped her staff to the ground and with the hand holding the rosary assumed an one-handed prayer pose. “Punishment has come.”

“...This is almost painful to watch.” I mumbled to myself.

Don’t look this way don’t look this way don’t look this way-

She looked this way and smiled, as if meeting a dear friend. “Now then Hakkai...Are you alright? That could have been dangerous.”

“Hakkai?” I blinked before shaking my head. “No, wait, I’m pretty sure the way things turned out was even worse than if you didn’t intervene.”

“Does it perhaps mean you have advanced your understanding of the scriptures, Hakkai? Wonderful, I will have to test you later. With the wisdom of the sacred teachings we shall triumph over your lazy and gluttonous nature. More importantly, Hakkai.” She grabbed my sleeve. “You are my attendant. I can’t let you wander off like that, Hakkai.”

“Um,” Okay this is… “Sorry but I-I think you have the wrong person. I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

“It’s useless to feign ignorance with me now. I’ve been wandering all over in search of you. Excuse me for forgetting to bring your favorite food. I apologize, but I thought it was too cold-hearted of you to leave us for just one meal, Hakkai. Though of course, I’m not blaming you. Or were you rather planning on leaving me for good─”

“Okay look!” I interrupted. “Just because I look like someone you know doesn’t mean you start causing trouble to others!”

“How can you call troubles redeeming and punishing bandits while searching for a precious comrade?”

“First off you haven’t redeemed anyone! All you’ve done is just caused more harm!” A loud cracking sound came from behind me followed by a scream. “Case in point. Second, while your help was… appreciated I don’t know you!”

“Hakkai, you’re still pouting like that? Oh well. It can’t be helped then.” She talked like a mother indulging a young child. “I’ll prepare your meal immediately.”

“No! Look what you did!” I gestured to the groaning back alley thief as the gorilla finally stopped pounding on him. “He’s a starving poor guy who just tried to get some food and you beat him black and blue! He probably doesn’t even have a place to call a home or money to get healed, you might as well have condemned him to death!”

“Silly Hakkai. Food obtained through wicked means taste like ash and is not filling at all. But the one who meditate on the sacred scriptures can go without food for a hundred years.”

“I’m not arguing that!” My hands started to flail around wildly. “I’m arguing about how you call this redemption and punishment! Sure he was a criminal who deserves to be punished but there’s no redemption here! If you want to change a man, change a man through actions and not words! You have to change the way things are done, get rid of the problem not just pound out the symptoms until something works! All you’ve done is speak words many of the thieves couldn’t even understand before inciting fear! And you call that redemption?!”

Her smile turned radiant. “Hakkai! You have deepened your understanding of the scriptures. I am so proud of you.” The monkey, having returned to a normal size, climbed back on her shoulders. “Look Goku, while he was away your good friend Hakkai has matured so much.”

The monkey made a soft screech. I don’t know why, but I felt like he was laughing.

He probably knew what was going on, the bastard.

“I’ll preach to the townspeople of the virtues and nobility of charity. Meanwhile you, Hakkai, will endeavor to find this redeemed thief an honest job so that he can start his new life.”

I mean, while I wasn’t totally against that…

“There you are, Chen!” Lu and Sasaki chose that moment to finally return. “Sorry, we got a little side-tracked. So, what’s going on?”

“Gojyo! As I thought, you and Hakkai were together.” Letting go of me the crazy girl started marching to the two redheads. “Oh my. What happened to your arm? Don’t tell me, you got into troubles because of women again? Unlike Hakkai, I see you have not matured.” She thumped her staff again. “In the first place, I feel like our friendship has faded of late─”

“Wait okay now I have to stop you again!” I pointed at Lu. “There’s a case of mistaken identity and then there’s this. Lu is quite clearly a woman!”

Christ is she going to mistake everyone for someone else?

And than something clicked.

She can’t seem to connect reality, she’s read some “Sacred Scripture” for far too long…

Goddammit she’s got Don Quixote syndrome doesn’t she?

“Okay okay…” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Hey, uh, do you happen to have a copy of the sacred scripture on you right now? I, uh, would like to read it real quick.”

I scooted on over to my two fuck all useless guards before whispering to them,.“Don’t make any sudden moves, this girl is crazy and she has a magical gorilla.”

They both blinked before Lu just shrugged. “Okay. You seem to have everything under control with your new friend.”

“Loathe as I am to admit it, there is no time for that, Hakkai. There are people waiting for our help.” Her face assumed a look of intense focus and determination. “I am on a mission to fight against a great evil! To do so, I need the strength of my companions: Son Goku, Cho Hakkai and Sha Gojyo! Now is the time to join forces to bring down the misgovernment of the Indian Queen Ashoka!”

“Ahahaha… I see.” Right, dealing with a crazy person. Why did I think that would work? Still, rebellion huh?

Goddammit this is probably going to be a bad idea. “Lu. Sasaki. Grab Tripitaka over here for a sec.”

“Okay!”

“As you command.”

Both women moved to the sides of the crazy girl and, grabbing her arms, lift her up in the air. She didn’t seem worried in the slightest, merely curious. “Mh? Gojyo, what are you doing? And who’s this lady?”

Oh so when they have the body of a goddess you consider them a man but when Sasaki rolls around suddenly all you can see is a woman!

“I’m most definitely going to regret this!” I declared, raising an arm in the air. “But…”

Suddenly my feet turned around and I began to run. “WE’RE TAKING HER WITH US GUYS GO GO GO!”

====

“Let me get this straight.” Yoshi began, face imperturbable. “You met a person who is not sound of mind, and your first action...is to bring her here?”

“Hahhh. Freshly brewed tea really is delicious.” Said crazy girl sighed contently before attacking the crackers. “Mmmmmm! What delicious crackers! My mouth will punish them for their crimes!”

“Well I mean…” I shrugged. “She has that magic gorilla of hers and she seemed to be against the current state of Indian government so I figured she must be a Hero unit lurking out in India.”

“If she indeed mentioned ‘Ashoka’, then…” She seemed to ponder something before approaching our ‘guest’. “Excuse me…”

“Sanzou Houshi. I am but a humble travelling monk aiming to right wrongdoings and vanquish evil.” She introduced herself.

“Minamoto no Yoshitsune.” Our resident flatly-in-disguise bowed. “Can you tell me more about the misgovernment that is supposedly happening within India?”

“It’s not a tale for the faint of heart. Indeed, after arriving in India for the first time… The one who reached out to me, just a traveler who didn’t know left from right, was not the warm hand of a townsperson, but rather the cold and iron of─”

“Too long. Twenty words or less.” I commented from the side, shivering from experience with her past lectures, “Feel free to write the full story in written format later.”

“To sum it up: I have heard the grieving of the people. Now is the time to pass judgment.” She declared.

The monkey screeched.

“Goku, we can’t be violent yet.” She gently admonished him before giving him a cracker. “Save your strength so we can crush the enemy to bits.”

Yoshi just gave me a look as I sighed. “Look it’s a very strong monkey.”

She glanced at Goku skeptically before sighing. “Nonetheless, this confirms what I wished for you to investigate. As Sanzou said, India is being ruled by a Hero named Ashoka. Aside from the royal capital Gandhara, there are five other cities. Each city is controlled by a lord called a Maharaja, who governs according to Ashoka’s orders. It may be because Gandhara is so deeply entrenched within the country, but intelligence regarding Ashoka is limited. According to rumors she was a rough and wild character a long time ago, but she has changed her ways and is now a good ruler. However, without known cause India is experiencing a sudden deterioration of public peace.”

“Perhaps she grew tired of politics and lost interest in governing?” Sanzou offered in a rare bout of lucidity. “It does seem that India has been covered by a profound darkness.”

“...Hey.” I began, a grin beginning to spread on my face. “You happen to have a magic orb on you? I need to call up Himiko real quick, I just realized something and you’d barely get the joke.”

Five minutes later Yoshi has set up the connection. “Oni-san! I’m so happy you called. Do you need something? How can I help you?” Himiko’s projected image asked me.

“Well…” My voice trailed off. “I just got back from surveying India and I realized we had something very familiar upon us. I’ll give you a hint: It’s two words.”

“....Can I have a hint?”

“Himiko I just gave you one hint what more do you want from me?”

“B-But I’ve not studied! I can’t just spring a surprise test on me like this! That’s cheating!” She protested.

“You don’t even need to study to know this answer!” A sigh escaped my lips. “It was... Back when it was just me, you, and Yamato.”

“...A beautiful Yamatai?” She tried.

“Two words Himiko. You got one more chance before I give you the answer and you get an F.”

“Aaah! Oni-san is bullying me!” Himiko cried. “Two words….What, it’s World Conquest? We’re still doing it!”

“Nope. You see Himiko…” I leaned in real close to the orb before whispering the answer: “Deus Vult.”

Himiko’s sole response was a perfectly flat stare. In the background Yoshi facepalmed.

“Nyhahahhaha!” I laughed. “That’s right! It’s time for another crusade!”

Ah, the good old days when it was just the three of us. It feels like forever but it hasn't even been a year.

Yamato, if only you were here now...