[Archive] Legend of Zelda CYOA (Defunct)

There was something deeply satisfying about dragging a known undesireable off camera, and putting the boot to him. I had ALWAYS wanted to do that, and accosting a dude who was cosplaying. Oh, fuck no, that did NOT happen on my watch. Especially when he was cosplaying as Ravio. The dude is a bro all the way through Link Between Worlds. So, our intrepid mugger has been reminded that Justice does not give a fuck about him off camera in a loading dock, where I have a witness to back me up having done nothing. After all, he fell down that flight of stairs. I certainly did not plant my foot in his backside, and send him tumbling down.

Dusting my hands off, smiling beatifically to my recently assisted cosplayer. I begin taking notes. "Name?"

"Ravio." He was so cheerful. Spot on for a con man, like Ravio was in the game, kinda sorta.

"Ha ha, I love that series too, but I need something for my... Holy shit that's an all night mask. Impressive work." He plunked it on to my face. All the fatigue I would feel from being awake at 2 in the morning, and being down my normal energy drinks? Gone. Well. Shit.

"Okay. This is a wee bit out of my depth. Last name?"

"Oscar Bravo." I sighed, and though I could see through the lenses of the All Night Mask, I was sure he could not see me roll my eyes as I filled out the necessary paperwork.

R. O. B... Ah Shit. I immediately flick my eyes up. I am surrounded by a lush field. And on scanning my surroundings... Well bollocks. Those are Stalchildren. Just standing there. And I have a crap ton of gear. Well, fuck. I begin arming myself, watching these poor blighters just sort of meander. Until I have my sword and shield in hand... And then they are rushing me. Well, fuck. Nope, fuck that. I set off at a jog. I would be winded after a couple minutes of this not a jog really more of a sprint, but hey, SKELETON MONSTERS! RUN FASTER

I sprint right past the woman who catches me by the collar, plants my ass into the ground, and proceeds to butcher the small legion of the skeletal motherfuckers. I am just getting back on my feet when I have a giant-fuck off knife planted in my pantleg, pinning me to the ground. "One false move, I kick that just high enough to have you singing falsetto on crutches." And out comes a Naginata from out of fucking nowhere and she is mopping up... That's a Bokoblin. Oh look, a Darknut.

Huh. I'm in Hyrule Warriors... Oh fuck I am in Hyrule Warriors. Ahh shit, shitshitshit. There were no Stalchildren in the first mission, but that's Link in trainee garb over there and... Huh. Volga's on his way here. I am going to make myself conspicuously inconspicu...

And I am being used as a human shield. "Thanks for getting the sword thing man. You are a major bro."

"..." Ooh, he does not look amused. "You reek like a mixture of Hylian and Gerudo."

"''tis the curse of being Human."

"... Human?"

"Imagine Hylians that are not ponces, and have something of a respect for awesome fire breathing things."

"Well, that is a step up from Hylians."

"Amongst a few other things. Mind letting me go?"

"Not happening."

"Well, bollocks. Names... Let's go with Nanashi."

"Volga." Well, Volga is about as much of a conversationalist as I expected. Still, not being overly rough. Hey, I might walk out of this alive. Yeah, fat chance. Thank you Impa for throwing a Naginata as if it were a javelin, hitting him in the face, and driving him off for a bit. This ends in my being tied to an outpost. You may think I am kidding. I am literally lashed to the fucking thing. 'For my own protection.' God almighty, if I did not think you were hot Impa, I would be calling you a few unflattering things right now. So, I sat against the Outpost with a sour look on my face, and wished I had nicked some of my friend's smokes. It would give me something to do. Fucking R.O.B. And now I have a Fairy on my nose. Red glowing. Nice, it suits my temperament at the moment.

And that is Zelda being 'kidnapped' by Wizzro.

And that is Zelda escaping.

And that is Zelda turning into Sheik and nipping merrily off towards Eldin Caves. I love having a view. The fairy has now moved to rest on my head.

And now Impa is coming back. Customary interrogation? Yeeeep, I am being dragged off. Customary interrogation. Well, time to be an obstruction of justice. Just like my old job. I wonder how much bullshit I can peddle to the scarily overarmed animesque ninja before she stabs me in the kneecap.

 

Hmm, outpost is a whole camp. Just post.

 

The actual 'Outposts' are one pillar with a floating jewel in the game he is in

 

Ah, in-game term?
+googles+
Huh, you are tied to a mook spawner?

That's... I am not sure whether that's good or bad, exactly. You're a suspected enemy, but you are tied to a rather important item.

 

Suspected but verifiably weak enemy. Impa had faith that anything he could do tied up would be stoppable by five to seven grunts and a sergeant.

 

Never read/played this Zelda whatever game, so everything that happened what incredibly, mightily confusing.