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A New Player in the Force (SW/Lite Gamer)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by USSExplorer, Apr 24, 2020.

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  1. alec_potter

    alec_potter Versed in the lewd.

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    Fantastic chapter. The fights are well scripted. Kinda electrifying.
    It was nice see things from Gar’s perspective.
    And good that we have his approval, we can finally seduce his mother ;)
     
  2. USSExplorer

    USSExplorer Doing what's necessary, even if it causes chaos

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    Sigh.
    I really shouldn't have posted her fancast... lol

    Though I'd be more interested in her niece. ;)
    Mom
    [​IMG]
    Niece
    [​IMG]
     
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  3. SRWilsonMR

    SRWilsonMR The King of Gods

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    I'm pissed. For some reason the notification of a new chapter did not appear.
    More than you think
    I am excited to meet the devil that you are going to make a deal to achieve this.
     
  4. yuuzz

    yuuzz Getting out there.

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    and the recommendations of this chapter?
     
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  5. alec_potter

    alec_potter Versed in the lewd.

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    Any ‘rational’ reason we shouldn’t have both?:)
     
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  6. almostinsane

    almostinsane Getting sticky.

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    I still think Serra is best.

    Though, I approve of waiting until it's less creepy.
     
    SRWilsonMR likes this.
  7. james911p

    james911p Seeing the sights

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    You know that feeling you get when you finished reading a great book. You feel happy, but also a bit upset, it’s bittersweet. Anyway all of this is to say that I really enjoy your work and hope that it will continue for a long time.
     
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  8. Zeus

    Zeus King of the Gods

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    The romance aspect is kinda not cool
    The way the system keeps subtly fucking with Cam is both good and bad

    The fight was brutal
    They deserved it, as we see from the outside perspective, this is not the first time they have decided to do this kinda thing

    I do not like the pov of the girl who's thirsting after Serra
    Like girl, he's got that thick thick force powers and the power of IP theft :V
    You can't compete with that
     
  9. SilverBadger

    SilverBadger Know what you're doing yet?

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    I'm honestly surprised a recording didn't surface. It sounded like both teams of ambushers were going to record their abuse before Cam Kool Aid Man-ed his way out of the shower.

    Fantastic chapter and a very difficult series of fight scenes to write. I greatly enjoyed Gar's perspective and realizations.
     
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  10. Creed

    Creed I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    *snorts* You're not wrong, but I feel like Bo would be better for Serra if only because she wouldn't string Serra along. Because let's be real the chances Cam actually ends up with Serra is...low, at least without this turning into a harem fic too many other options.

    I might be wrong though, and her persistence may pay off who knows *Shrugs*.
     
    SRWilsonMR and Zeus like this.
  11. Zendrelax

    Zendrelax "All yours. I think it always was. Welcome home."

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    In the past, the author has spoken positively regarding polyamory. And, I mean
    This looks pretty clearly like a polycule in the making to me.
     
    Eljin likes this.
  12. Zeus

    Zeus King of the Gods

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    You are right
    Too many choices
    Only way that's going to end in somewhat stable way is harem

    Guess we'll just have to wait for more chapters to find out how this is dealt with

    Maybe cam will just choose one girl and leave hundreds of heart broken girls in the galaxy
    Could even be part of his legend

    Or more likely some kinda poly relationship will happen like Zendrelax said
    (Idk words for relationships much)
     
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  13. TheLastTalcBender

    TheLastTalcBender Supreme grandmaster of elemental powers

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    less than subtly
    a slow, calculating tone
    as she cradled the hand
    use his own injury
    she was implying

    I kinda agree with the other reviewers that he needs to say that punching out rapists is an okay thing to do. Saying that the Jedi wouldn't approve is kinda... not helpful. Maybe he'll say more later, in private?

    I also see that the group of people with assorted crushes is apparently trying to expand. I wonder if he knows yet? It doesn't seem like it...
     
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  14. Trent

    Trent Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    Thanks for writing! It's a rare story that actually gets better over time.

    The leveling pace and overall pacing are interesting, it's unique among Gamer stories. Cameron improves prodigiously, but isn't able to go from zero to hero in a couple years and bust any plot. The Skill improvements could use more consistency though. His spar with Yoda, and recent fights against Mandalorians, have been great at showing his progress. That said, we could use some explanation of how his relatively low physical stats or level keep him too slow or weak to defeat the most experienced Jedi, as his Prodigy level lighstaber Skills and Forms should be at the top of the galaxy. His understanding of the Forms should be unmatched, and commented upon, by even some Council members.

    The first couple chapters weren't very pleasant: the setup was cringe-worthy, the gaming system had too many features and skills unnecessary for the story, and the MC's impatient annoyance was annoying. The "Choose Your Universe and Birth" device made the story shallow. As we gradually left the System's voice behind, the story gained depth and tension, which stuttered whenever the voice made an appearance. The writing also stutters with the little sentence shortcuts, whenever Telekinesis is abbreviated to TK and "word/word" rears its ugly head. Keep it as "Telekinesis," and either pick one word between two, or change the slash into "and" or "or," because a story shouldn't have writing shortcuts. Keep those goblins contained in the outline!

    The physical Stat implementation is fantastic. The reality of peak human physical ability and possibility of limit breaks are sensible, and are an excellent modification of usual Gamer aspects. Each Stat point makes a difference. I love how smoothly Cameron's gradually rising Charisma has expressed itself.

    I'm looking forward to how the story develops!
     
  15. USSExplorer

    USSExplorer Doing what's necessary, even if it causes chaos

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    The simple logic for why Cam, even with say maxed Makashi skill, cannot beat someone with more experience (a tier or two lower in skill) and better training with certain Force abilities (eg, Speed)

    If Cam went all out he likely could, right now, beat a few Jedi Masters, but that would draw even more attention to him, which is not something he particularly wants.

    As for the Mando fights. Bar the Trial by Combat, Cam has been holding back as even with Force suppression bracers (though really they only disrupt a connection to the Force not suppress it) his skill and experience for hand-two-hand is beyond anyone else's. (benefits of being an ex-soldier in a former life)

    Yeah, the start of this is... not good. I know this, but I also know that if I went back and fixed it, I'd want to fix all of the story, which would all but kill the thing as it would take a year+ to really go through everything again.

    Yeah, making it so Cam couldn't arm wrestle (and win) against a Wookie as a child was the intent with the limiting of the physical stats. Humans (which in retrospect Cam shouldn't have chosen as a race) are base-line in SW and most races have great potential for at least one of the physical stats.
    The Charisma evolving in how he speaks and behaves is just me being more comfortable writing him, though yeah, I can see how it actually fits the growth of the MC.
     
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  16. USSExplorer

    USSExplorer Doing what's necessary, even if it causes chaos

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    Knows about it? Yes
    Want to deal with it? Not really. ;)
    Hates going through puberty again? Most certainly :p

    Cam's approach isn't the best, but dealing with teenage girls is not exactly his strong suit.
     
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  17. Septaemus Meridaeus

    Septaemus Meridaeus Making the rounds.

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    Is An'ya Kuro (The Dark Woman) going to be in this story, I have been wondering for awhile now... it would be good I mean she was mentioned before.
     
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  18. USSExplorer

    USSExplorer Doing what's necessary, even if it causes chaos

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    To quote both Obi-Wan and Jango...

    Possibly
     
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  19. Eljin

    Eljin Not too sore, are you?

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    dont forget about padme. shes shown that she has significant interest in cam as a romantic partner.
     
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  20. TheQwertyOne

    TheQwertyOne ЙЦУКЕН

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    Well written... But MC's turtle approach to relationships is pathetic, childish and will bite him in the ass.
    And of course like every fracking ecchi harem protag, as if his brain has been damaged, he cannot realize that his behaviour attracts girls to himself romantically.
     
    Pef likes this.
  21. Kwame

    Kwame Versed in the lewd.

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    I know the MC is older and wishes to wait but that cats been out of the bag for awhile. Just his strength of personality has already influenced the girls around him. Plus from an outside point of view he's being an ass and any woman that figures it out wouldn't want to date him due to his wishy washy attitude. It's likely going to work out because it's an harem fix but this really should blow up in his face or be addressed aloud.

    Edit: His adult mind at this point feels like an excuse to be a harem protag. Dodge everyone until harem becomes the only choice that won't hurt everyone that fell in love during the journey.

    Of anything Bo deserves it more then him, she's dedicated atleast.
     
  22. The Dude

    The Dude Verified Not Jeff Bridges

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    Childish... you mean like someone who is physically and hormonally a child just in the early stages of puberty? How shocking.
     
  23. TheQwertyOne

    TheQwertyOne ЙЦУКЕН

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    I mean, like someone who already tired me by repeatedly bringing up how 30 years old in a child's body he is.
     
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  24. USSExplorer

    USSExplorer Doing what's necessary, even if it causes chaos

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    Enjoy :)
    ...
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    :D:p
     
  25. KaiserMoon

    KaiserMoon The Dragon on the Moon

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    I'm upset, you've upset me
     
  26. Alcov

    Alcov Love me that Fan Fiction

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    Going to take a wild guess. Darth plaguis?
     
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  27. FTR2017

    FTR2017 Well worn.

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    Heh, well played you goof. :p
     
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  28. Prognostic Hannya

    Prognostic Hannya Knight of the Yuri Crusade

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  29. Darkeva

    Darkeva Not too sore, are you?

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    ...I wasted percius seconds of my life to read that... The only way to pay for that is not to translate it for anyone else, they too must experience the loss.
     
  30. doug89

    doug89 Versed in the lewd.

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    "Well, if droids could think, there'd be none of us here, would there?"

     
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