Akademia — A Short Fantasy Comedy

[Boroda Orka]

The old wizard sat behind his desk, wrapped in his robes, fixing the boy before him with a stern gaze. The lad had only just passed the entrance examinations for the Academy of the Greatest Heroes.

Young and painfully thin, with clear eyes touched by a faint, lingering sadness, the boy shifted uneasily under the wizard's scrutiny. He looked uncertain—and more than a little out of place.

"Ahem. Now then, student..." the old man began, opening a rather hefty folder containing the boy's personal file and burying himself in its contents. "You were born twelve years ago, on the fifth day of the month of... well, never mind that... Hmm. On the day of your birth, a new star appeared in the sky... at noon... mm-hmm... A whole company of wise men arrived and showered your parents with... gifts... I see... Hmm...

"On the day of your birth, the greater demons of the local Infernal Plane hastily emigrated to the neighboring one, while the Lord of Hell—Da Big Bad Satanz... shot himself with a holy crossbow, using a consecrated bolt, while levitating above a lake of equally holy water... Now there's a coincidence for you. Quite a coincidence indeed.

"At the age of three, you sneezed while walking through the park with your mother... and accidentally obliterated a squad of dark mages, adherents of the Order of Inevitable and Agonizing Death, who had kidnapped an elven princess from the royal palace, where she was staying on a diplomatic visit... Mm-hmm...

"You were granted the title of Friend of the Elves, the king personally pinned the Order of Valorous Valor to your diaper, and the princess promised to marry you once you turned fourteen..."

The old man raised his stern gaze to the boy.

"I wouldn't recommend it, young man. She's a notorious shotacon—six thousand years of experience, no less. There are some things even holy healers can't cure."

"I wasn't going to... I mean..." the boy began awkwardly, his face flushing crimson, but the old man raised a hand, cutting off his flustered excuses.

"Hold on, young man, I'm not finished yet. Ahem... Right, kindergarten, primary school... Mm-hmm... At the age of seven, you found an ancient artifact of the Chaos Gods, whereupon all four of them manifested in our world and spent quite some time apologizing...

"After taking the artifact back, they asked you not to hold it against them and said that, should you ever happen to be passing by, you should... keep passing by. And if you did decide to drop in, Slaanesh's place was the best... Mm-hmm. Slaanesh had already left by that point. Anyway, I wouldn't recommend that either. All sorts of things happen there.

"Right... When you were nine, a World Devourer appeared in orbit around our world... Hmm... Yes, I remember that one. The brute was twice the size of our planet. Ah. Crossed itself and flew off in an unknown direction. Strange, considering they're all irreligious... Hm.

"And then there are the minor incidents: a nest of Greater Vampires wiped out, the Bird of Doom killed with a spit, a picnic with a girl in the Forest of Mad Suffering... Well, all in all, a perfectly ordinary, normal child."

For the first time, the old man looked at the boy warmly over the rims of his half-moon spectacles and smiled.

"Lemon slice, my boy?"

He pushed a little dish of sweets toward him, seemingly conjured out of nowhere.

While the boy was busy inspecting and sampling the confectionery, the old mage grunted, bent down, and hauled an enormous tome out from somewhere beneath the desk.

Across the front cover, its title was spelled out in large golden letters:

"Sundry Advice on the Proper Upbringing of Heroes, Antiheroes, Demigods, Antichrists, and Creatures of Every Kind, All for the Sake of the Greater Good, by the Great Mage Bubulgum the Most Radiant, a Great Man and, Indeed, an Even Greater One."

With a sigh, the old man began leafing through the massive tome, occasionally checking it against the notes in the young student's file and making marks on the clearance form.

Several minutes and a fair number of checkmarks later, he closed the book and put it away beneath the desk.

"All right," the mage said, looking back at the boy. "Now, here's what you need to do before you move in.

"First, go up to the third floor, to the library, collect the books on this list, and make sure to draw the librarian's attention to the handwritten note—his eyesight isn't what it used to be, and he may overlook it. Specifically, the volume On Crushing Everyone and Everything While Overcoming Mild Adversity, by the esteemed Rendall Laststand.

"Second, at the supply depot—first floor, far wing—you'll need to collect: robes, a magic wand, bed linen, and a Godslayer Staff. Here's the list.

"Third... Hmm..."

The mage gave the boy a doubtful look.

"Are you into girls, boys, or are you one of those... anime types?"

"What's wrong with anime types?" the boy asked in a pleasant, innocent voice, though something... dark and unsettling flashed in his eyes.

A chill swept through the room, carrying with it the scent of cruel, terrible death.

"Ahem..." The old man cleared his throat. "Absolutely nothing."

He picked up one of the sheets from the desk, crumpled it, and tossed it into the wastepaper basket. Then, opening one of the desk drawers, he pulled out another sheet—this one covered in considerably more writing than the first.

"F-fourth: at the women's dormitory with the sign 'Women's Dormitory 2D' over the entrance, you'll pick yourself: a blonde paladin with a massive bust, a tsundere loli, a little sister, an innocent priestess, a catgirl, and a succubus. Ahem... also a goddess who hides her true power yet falls hopelessly in love with you despite having known you for all of five minutes. And, naturally, some assorted background girls of varying bust sizes, just to annoy the first lot.

"You'll also pick up condoms and a set of the necessary potions there. That should be everything. A map is attached.

"Remember, there's a forbidden corridor on the third floor, and if you don't want to... Ahem... Ah. That last part's from another job. Sorry, mixed them up.

"Well then, good luck, young Hero. Study hard, drink plenty of fluids, don't forget to use protection, wash your hands before... and after... Ahem. And look both ways before crossing the road—we've got a pink truck around here that passes by quite often, driven by a deranged skeleton who screams, 'ISEKAAAAAI!' and tries to run students over..."