Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste

[Kylia Quilor]

Aura theory isn't actually canon (and more importantly, isn't true in this fic), but it probably didn't help with all the other stuff going on with Amy, yeah.

 

[Foxfax]

Yeah, that's more like what I meant. Amy felt the way she felt, but Fragile One wanting everyone to love Vicky like it does and Shaper whispering about war crimes turned what probably would have been an honestly pretty toxic love and affection more so because powers make everything worse in Worm.

 

[ChaosSlimeKing]

Poor Amy, being one of the most literal examples of Doomed Toxic Yuri really is hell. Really impressive emotional terror portrayal, great writing.

Though I can't wait for Josephine to be like, "Your sister? Your adopted sister? No actual blood relation? Oh honey, that's comparatively innocent compared to the debauchery of the nobles and their twisted incest filled family trees. You have got nothing to be ashamed of, no sit down and try this new coffee bean I was able to smuggle in with Varric's help."

Thanks for another great chapter, till next time

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Cole is hard to do justice too, especially when there's more than one person for him to read and he should honestly be chiming in more, rather than politely waiting for his conversational turn.

---

---

When Amy had given Cassandra her promise to essentially hold the other woman to account as long as Cassandra did the same to her, she hadn't expected to need to be doing it in six hours. She hadn't expected to need it at all really, but she'd agreed because Cassandra asked.

After making that promise, Amy had withdrawn into silence, dark thoughts still circling around in her mind, but she had held onto the thin thread that was the promise Cassandra had given her.

Cassandra is a good person. And - and she'll - she'll stop me if I do something wrong and - and - and -

Her secret had been revealed, her worst, darkest secret, and the truth about her biological father, and Cassandra still didn't hate her. The woman still, somehow believed in her. Amy wanted to believe it meant maybe, just maybe there was a chance that there was hope for her, and... and somehow...

Somehow Amy actually did believe it.

Not that there was hope for her. Amy knew better than to believe that.

But she did believe that there was a chance there was hope for her.

And there was a difference.

There was!

"...The Templars leaders went and ate Red Lyrium! They - the officers were probably onboard with working for Corypheus, a fucking darkspawn magister who blew up the Conclave. And we're just going to - act like none of that happened?" Cassandra had said Katerina blew up at her, in so many words, over her choice and -

Amy could barely believe it, given how reverent Katerina had seemed to be of 'Lady Pentaghast' but for one, Cassandra wouldn't have lied about that and two, there had been that comment by Katerina, implying she didn't think Cassandra was perfect which - didn't fit with what she'd said just a few days ago on the way to this stupid fucking fortress.

But then, this is Katerina. She's made hating the Templars her whole fucking personality. Not without good reason, because the Templars fucking sucked, but still. Vicky hated Empire 88, but it wasn't the only thing she thought about.

So - Yeah. I guess I can believe it. But that left the question of how she felt about it.

And Amy... Whatever else, Amy would never be able to hate the Templars as much as Katerina did. Plus, even with six hours of... not rest, but... something, Amy didn't have remotely the energy left to get upset about it right now.

"I would hardly say that's possible, even if I wanted to do that," Cassandra said calmly. "For one, the officers behind all that are dead, fled or in the case of Knight-Captain Denam, imprisoned."

Amy felt a momentary flare of anger at Denam. Well no, not a 'flare' but a fucking eruption of rage that made her very much want him dead. She recoiled as the rage ebbed away, pressing her back against the wall. Shaper. That has to be Shaper. Her power didn't like the Taint, she was certain of that.

Broken clocks...

"I told the Templars this is their chance to reclaim their honor, the honor of the Order. There was a time when they were looked to as protectors and saviors, when they lived up to their oaths." Cassandra continued. "I believe they can be that again."

Amy swallowed, then exhaled slowly.

She wasn't upset about this, really. Maybe - maybe she would have been, if she had the energy. She -

"I was thinking of suggesting disbanding the Order completely." Amy said finally. "I mean, I guess you're right that all the people who went in for Red Lyrium and serving a Darkspawn with a God Complex are dead or not part of the Templars anymore, but - none of that changes them agreeing to come to Therinfal and just... chill for months, while the Breach was in the sky. Starting a war just because they wanted to oppress mages more." There was no heat to her words, her tone probably sounding calm, but -

I'm not being reasonable about this shit, I'm just -

Tired.

"Katerina did suggest you were interested in disbanding the Order, after the fact." Cassandra said. "She was very angry on your behalf, about how she believed I acted against your intention."

"I never actually told you. I didn't tell Katerina either."

"She said you told her that we didn't need the Order and that she was right to leave it? That's what Katerina said anyway, and it seemed unlikely she'd lie."

Amy rubbed at her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose, "That - I think I said something like that. It's all... god, fuck me, it's all a blur at this point." She needed real sleep. She probably wasn't going to get that any time soon though. Not -

Not knowing Shaper was there, in her mind. And -

And some part of her was still expecting the judgement from Cassandra, from Katerina. She - Cassandra had made her position super clear and Amy trusted Cassandra to be honest and - but -

She still felt it. That twinge. That fear.

She believed there was a chance at hope. But that was it. It was all she could let herself have. A chance. The hope itself wasn't real but that chance...

"The choice wasn't in your hands at the time, Amy," Cassandra pointed out. "And - it's not exactly your choice either."

"No, it's not." Amy agreed. "If it was my choice it would mean I'm in charge of everything and that's the last thing I need right now." She let out a shuddering breath, closed her eyes again and inhaled again. Then another slow, deep exhale and inhale.

"I would have given you a chance to speak, had you been able to," Cassandra promised her, and Amy swallowed.

"Thank you," Amy paused, considering. "I - Okay, so - I... I don't like this. I really dont fucking like this. I might even hate it, I'm not sure. But I - I don't have the mental energy to get angry and - It's not like I don't trust your judgement, Cassandra." She did. And even if she hadn't already had such solid trust in the other woman, the trust Cassandra was extending to her... it was worth something in turn, right?

"I do trust it. Your judgement, I mean," Amy added quickly, clarifying.

"I know you do. But it is something I would not take for granted." Cassandra answered. She stood up, and then reached a hand down to Amy. "You should get some sort of breakfast. We can talk as we walk." Amy accepted Cassandra's hand, getting a read on the woman's biology, since she wasn't wearing any gloves, at the moment. "The truth is, Amy, I am still unsure if letting the Order stand is the best choice. They have no real leaders at this point. Perhaps some of the officers that remained at the Ostwick Circle, but I imagine it's likely that the ones here at Therinfal would be... hesitant to accept their orders."

It took Amy a few moments to remember that the Circle in the city of Ostwick had largely sat out the rebellion, as had the Templars there. It was one of those places where tensions between mages and Templars weren't supposed to be that bad. Some people had filtered out to one side or the other, sure, but not the majority of either.

But the mages there also didn't really put themselves under Vivienne's banner either. Amy wondered if Josephine would be able to get the Ostwick mages to sign on with the Inquisition in some form now that they'd made an alliance with the rebel mages.

"I mean, isn't the whole thing about the Templars that they're supposed to follow orders? That's their whole damn problem, the system being set up to make people follow orders, get rid of the ones that question orders too much, or at least shuffle them away, and people higher up the chain can cover for people below."

"That is one of the problems that crept into the Order, yes." Cassandra agreed as they left the room and stepped out into the hallway. Amy legs felt... not weak exactly, but she didn't feel like she could walk very quickly, and she didn't try, Cassandra getting ahead of her - and then looking back and matching her pace.

"So... who cares if they don't want to take orders from officers in Ostwick? That's whose left, right?" If they were going to keep the order, then shouldn't the slightly less bad than the rest Templars be in charge?

"A reasonable point." Cassandra said after consideration, nodding her head. "That is also related to something else I was going to say, however: - the Order may still exist, but they are gutted, leaderless. You have pointed out that the weakness and disunity in the Chantry poses an excellent chance for both mages and Templars to be able to negotiate new terms. The same holds true now for the state of the Order entirely."

Amy furrowed her brow. "That... that's true. Josephine and you and Leliana and Cullen are all in a position to convince whoever's left to change things." Though she doubted they'd have an easy time coming to an agreement about what that would be. Leliana and Cullen almost certainly had very different ideas about what the Templars should be like. And Cassandra probably had a third one.

She didn't like this. She really didn't like this. But - she couldn't get heated about it. Not right now. And - and the fact remained that she did trust Cassandra. Cassandra was a good person. She had a reason for doing this and - and they sounded like good ones and she made an argument that sounded good and again -

Cassandra deserves my trust. And it wasn't Amy's choice. And the last thing she wanted was for it to be her choice.

"You as well, Amy."

"Didn't you just say it wasn't my choice what happened to the Order?!"

"Not on your own, but the mere fact of your existence being seen as the Herald of Andraste means you have the influence to change things, Amy." Cassandra pointed out. "When I told the Templars that you had sought to ally with both the rebel mages and the Order, there was grumbling. There might have been more than that had Barris not pointed out that you are the Herald."

"I'm not." Amy complained uselessly. If I had a nickel for every time. She exhaled. "I should stop saying that, shouldn't I?"

"Amy, if you stopped protesting that you were not the Herald of Andraste, I would wonder if you had been replaced by an Envy Demon." Cassandra offered with a smile.

Goddamnit. That was a good point. "Just ask me to heal someone. Envy wouldn't have been able to take my power if it had taken my face."

"You're sure of that?"

"As sure as I can be without testing it." Amy licked her lips. "While Envy was in my head I - I learned something about how my power works. Where it came from. There's a lot I still don't get and I -" If I tell her, she'll - she'll think I'm possessed or -

No. Amy closed her eyes. She would tell Cassandra.

Just... not until she understood it. She wasn't sure how she would be able to, but...

Demons are creatures of the Fade, right? Envy pulled me into my own head. Solas does that whole... lucid dreaming in the Fade thing, right? There had to be a connection there. Amy had dreamed on Earth-Bet, and never run into Shaper but - the Fade's whole thing was a dimension of Dreams right? Was that the missing ingredient?

It made sense to Amy. She had no idea if it would work, or if she even could do the lucid dreaming in the Fade thing, or anything close but -

I hate the idea of explaining anything to Solas before Cassandra but... maybe I don't have to tell him that much either? Amy trusted Solas about as much a she trusted anyone on Thedas that wasn't Cassandra, Josephine or Katerina. But the man was...

He was on their side. Amy believed that. But he liked playing mysterious too much. Maybe just his persona, his demeanor, but...

"There's a lot I don't understand. I'm - I'm hoping I can figure more out. Because I... it's complicated, basically. But - if I can figure it out, I - I'll tell you." Amy promised Cassandra. "But what I did learn makes me pretty sure that Envy wouldn't be able to just... take it." Envy hadn't been able to 'hear' Shaper. Neither had Cole.

Something about spirits made them not... fit with whatever Shaper was?

My power being called Shaper makes sense, even if it's a bit on the nose... what about Vicky's power? Her power was absolute biokinesis... Vicky's was an Alexandria package, but it didn't actually work like Alexandria's power which was its own whole thing, now that Amy thought of it, half-remembered infodumps from Vicky about powers...

Something about even similar powers never working exactly the same... something something the differences between Crystal, Eric and Aunt Sarah and-

"That is useful to know." Cassandra cut in, and Amy blinked as she returned to the here and now. "You do not have to share what you learn, Amy."

"Maybe I don't have to, but I want to." Amy countered. "Just... once I know more." She closed her eyes. "Anyway, you said Barris said I was the Herald?"

Cassandra nodded, accepting the change in topic back to before. "He said that if you saw fit to ally with the rebel mages, then who were they to argue? And that if Corypheus had sought to use mage and Templar against one another, then working together against him was the best choice."

Okay. Point for Ser Barris.

"I guess Ser Barris gets to count as a slightly less shitty Templar than the rest." Amy exhaled. "That's a list that includes... maybe the people in Ostwick, and Barris and Katerina's old trainer Adrienne." She ticked off three fingers. "Anyone else?"

"I think our measures for a 'shitty' Templar are quite different, Amy." Cassandra didn't offer any names. "But in principle, I share the same concerns you do about the Order."

"You do?!"

"The Order made many mistakes... as did the Seekers of Truth," Cassandra said that last part more reluctantly, but Amy had heard Cassandra say as much before, and Cassandra's honesty was one of the many things she appreciated so much about the other woman.

"We both failed," Cassandra said after a pause. "And the problems that led to that failure in the Templars - viewing mages as the enemy, too many following orders too blindly, believing themselves above outsiders due to the nature of their duty... those problems are not all gone, Amy. Katerina would be shocked to hear it, but I also believe many of her concerns are well-founded."

"I can hear a 'but' coming." Well, that and she knew Cassandra couldn't agree with Katerina completely - or her - and still be all 'let's keep the Templars intact!', Which she had been.

"But," Cassandra said with a small snort, then her expression was grave again, "I do not believe that eliminating the Templars will work out as well as Katerina believes. Or as well as you might believe."

"I'll be honest, when I was thinking we should get rid of them, I wasn't thinking about the long term," Amy admitted. "Which is another reason the choice really shouldn't be up to me." She'd just been 'fuck the Templars, they suck, we don't need them'. More or less, anyway.

"If you believed it would be a complete disaster, you wouldn't propose it, regardless, Amy. You do consider the ramifications of what you do." Cassandra disagreed. "Not consciously perhaps, but..." she shook her head and trailed off. "The Templars have served for centuries as guardians of the Chantry, and the people and Mages. Abandoning the system entirely for something wholly unknown seems... foolish."

"And back home, they used to burn people for being left-handed or shit like that." Amy muttered. "Just because that's how you did things doesn't make it the best solution."

Cassandra pulled up short and stared at Amy, who walked right past Cassandra until she realized the other woman had stopped moving. "Burn people for being left handed? Surely you must be -"

"I don't know if they actually burned people," Amy admitted after a moment, taking a few steps backwards. "I know that people apparently used to think left-handed people were like... cursed by the Devil or whatever." Amy blinked, "The Devil is like... the manifestation of evil incarnate, or... something like that. Like God, but Evil."

Amy shook her head, "Not the point."

"...very true," Cassandra said, looking confused again. She shook her own head. "You are correct - the way things are done is not in of itself a reason to do it, on its own. But even if the Circles are replaced by something better, Blood Mages will exist. Some mages will decide that they want power over others more than they want to be good people. You can agree with that, no?"

"Of course. Some people are just shitty assholes, Just... evil. We've been over that."

"We have. But if you can agree that it will still be a problem, then you can agree that whatever else, the Templars serve a purpose. One that would be harder to serve if they were abolished entirely."

"All you need is someone to do the job. You don't need the Templar Order to do it," Amy disagreed.

Cassandra nodded, "There is truth to that, but..." she paused, then, "You have spoken of the group of people without powers that assists the heroes of your world in combating villains and their minions... the P R T." Cassandra didn't quite stumble over the acronym, but Thedas didn't really understand the concept of acronyms - once explained, most people understood the notion, but they didn't come naturally to anyone here. "If they were dissolved tomorrow, someone could do the work they do, yes, but it would take time for their replacement to be as effective, no?"

I think two toddlers with a pair of tin cans tied together with string could do better than PRT ENE. Amy knew she was being unfair. The Bay was a goddamn nightmare. 'America's largest open-air asylum' she'd seen it called on PHO once, and that sounded about right. The PRT did what they could, and Amy knew the Bay would be worse without Armsmaster and Miss Militia and so on, and the PRT played an important role in all that.

"Yeah, I guess." Amy admitted.

"And of more... political concern is the fact that people are used to the Templars." Cassandra grimaced. "They know what the Order is, and how to regard it. Convincing the Chantry and the nobles to accept an end to the Templar Order would be... difficult. More so than mere changes." Cassandra made one of her trademark disgusted noises, that little 'ugh' sound. Amy couldn't help but smile a moment as she heard it.

I feel like if an Envy demon tried to replace Cassandra, it wouldn't get that right at all. Probably not that simple, and Amy's power, in theory, would make detecting Envy Demons easy in the future, as long as she touched them...

But she also didn't want to touch another one of these things again, if it meant she'd have one visit her head again.

If she never had an experience like the one she'd had where Envy had plundered through her mind ever again, it would be too soon.

"More than ending the Circles?"

"I think it might make it harder to convince the Chantry and the nobility to accept the dissolution of the Circles if the shield that protects the south from magic run amok is destroyed." Cassandra said. "And I suspect you would prefer ending the Circles than the Order."

"Yeah. That would be true." Templars sucked. But the Circles were just evil. Harrowing was evil. Amy could get behind the idea of a test to see if you could resist a demon, especially now that she'd had one in her own fucking head, but -, but a test where failure was death and not taking it led to fucking Tranquility! - was evil. Penning mages up like prisoners. Creating a system that was so fucking ripe for abuse -

The Templars suck. The Order sucks. And its whole system is pretty shit. Buit...

Cassandra wasn't wrong about the fact that the Order was pretty damaged, and it would look different once it was done being rebuilt, at least in theory. And - and if there were no Circles, and mages had more... options, essentially, would Templars even be in a position to do as much bad shit?

I don't think so...

Like, the rebel mages wouldn't agree to anything that put Templars in the same sort of position of power over a mage, right? Yes Templars as magical cops needed to exist but that was different then the judge, jury and executioner deal they'd had going.

Give mages a place in judging their own. The rebel mages in Redcliffe had somehow managed to avoid being overrun by blood magic and abominations after all.

Cassandra had good points and Amy - Amy believed in her and wanted to believe in her and her belief in Cassandra had worked out before.

Amy rubbed at her temples. "Alright. I guess that's that. I still don't like it, and if I had more energy maybe I would argue with you about it more but... I don't. Besides, I can't change the decision that was made anyway, and I do trust you Cassandra. And you make good points." She closed her eyes, exhaled, and then, "And that is more than enough thinking for like... the next week, okay? Nothing serious or important, please."

Cassandra smiled a little, "I shall do my best, Amy."

---

Actually arranging to get the survivors out of Therinfal with enough supplies and so forth was easier said than done. In the end, it had been decided it would be done in phases. Ser Barris would lead a group of the most skilled at countering magic to travel back to Haven with Amy and everyone who had come with her. The rest would follow up a few days or possibly even nearly a week, depending, behind.

But in the process of making that decision and then getting ready - packing up supplies, loading up horses and wagons and burning the bodies of the Red Lyrium infected Templars, Amy had finished all the healing on the surviving Templars, including all the finicky and complicated arm reconstructions. And Knight-Captain Denam had been judged guilty in a Court Martial after refusing to share more information about what Corypheus was up to (he pleaded not knowing) and then executed for his murder of the Knight-Vigilant.

Denam had declared the Court-Martial invalid because there weren't enough real officers, but Barris and a Sergeant named Sorin, whom Katerina seemed to know had argued that the rules of the Order allowed for situations when sufficient officers of high enough rank weren't available, and that Denam's own words damned him. Denam hadn't really tried to deny the murder when confronted with it, and so he'd been executed.

Amy hadn't been sure how to feel about that. The Death Penalty was not something she opposed. She knew that pretty well. And a Court Martial was like... not some arbitrary process. There had been a formal trial and Denam given the chance to argue in his defense - and he had, ranting about how he'd tried to give Templars a purpose before they died, or... something. It had been incoherent.

But equally, she had wanted to see if it was possible to expel the Red Lyrium from someone, and get a better look at the effects of Tainted Lyrium on someone. And maybe they could have learned more about Corypheus from him.

On the other hand, the guy's bloodstream and organs were both filled with magic not-actually-rocks infected with the nightmare plague from hell, so... probably better to just kill him and burn the body, since he had been judged guilty....

With that done, there'd been a few other bits and pieces to get done, but then, three days after Envy's defeat, they'd been ready and Therinfal ready to be abandoned. It was too remote a castle to be of value to the Templars or the Inquisition at the current point in time.
And so, they'd set out. They were two days out from Therinfal now, and Amy had, fortunately, not had to deal with anything more important than healing some people, and thinking about how to handle Lyrium withdrawal and how she could heal it.

She still wasn't sure she could. She wanted to try on Cullen first, see what her handling of the non-brain related symptoms could do, see how he took it and then she could offer it to Templars who wanted to leave the Order, if any did.

Do it in the time between closing the Breach and going home.

If she could.

The more Amy thought about it, the more she wondered if it was possible.

Well, no. Powers could do all kinds of bullshit. If Professor Haywire was here, he could have gotten back to Earth-Bet, Amy was sure. That kind of shit was his whole thing, right?

But short of him, or another parahuman who could do dimensional bullshit... could magic send her home? She wasn't -

She'd talked to Solas about it, and he'd said he had no idea, but he'd give it some thought. Dorian might have some idea of where to start.

Though if it turns out I have to get some goddamn Tevinter Magister on my side, I will not be happy. Was going home worth appeasing some slave-owning piece of shit?

Amy swallowed as she realized the first answer that came to mind was 'it depends'.

If it meant healing some Tevinter Magisters and their families? She'd hate every second of it, but...

Amy shook her head.

I have enough problems right now that I don't need to invent new ones. Somehow, Katerina and Cassandra were still treating her the same, despite knowing her secret. Katerina hadn't poked at her since then, but Amy hadn't gotten 'caught in her own head' much since either, so who knew if she was actually going to be free of Katerina's prodding for long?

Knowing her, probably not.

Cole hadn't shown up since Envy had been beaten, or at least, he hadn't shown up where Amy could see or remember him.

Fucking Strangers. Amy only knew parts of the full M/S protocol, and most of them were pretty hard to use when it came to Cole. She was going to try to write down next time she saw him, or something, if she saw him.

I feel like he's coming. He said he wanted to help. Stop people from hurting. That's what we're doing, right?

Amy pushed that aside as she found Solas standing alone by the edge of camp, doing... whatever it was Solas did. Thinking deep and profound thoughts about whatever stuff he found while dreaming in the Fade, probably.

Or maybe just being Professionally Mysterious.

Whichever.

"I'm afraid I haven't had any specific insight into how you might return home since you asked yesterday," Solas said, not turning around to look at her.

Okay, yeah, he's just doing it to be mysterious.

"That's not what I wanted to talk about," Amy shook her head. "I wanted to ask you about how you stay conscious in the Fade when you dream and if there's a way I could do it too."

Solas looked at her, and while he controlled his expression well, there was something about the way his head tilted that made Amy think she'd actually surprised him.

"There are ways I could take you into the Fade with me," Solas said. "They're not that difficult, although they do require a certain measure of trust."

There's the problem. Amy didn't exactly trust Solas. She didn't not trust him, but -

On the other hand, she didn't think he was going to like, betray her or the Inquisition, she trusted him that much but -

With the truth about Shaper? Hell no. Not until she understood it better.

"I - is there a way I can do it without you?" Amy asked. She held up her hand. "It's not really about trust. I mean - I trust you're on our side, Solas, in terms of closing the Breach and stopping Corypheus and all that, but this isn't -" Amy cut herself off, trying to figure out a way to explain what she wanted without telling Solas too much. "This isn't about how you walk the Fade to study the history of a place. It's kind of a cool thing that you can do that, but I'm not asking to be able to do that too."

Solas held his staff with both hands, not quite leaning on it, but the posture he adopted was reminiscent of that, anyway...

"Perhaps it would be easier to tell you if I can help you if I knew what you wanted then?" Solas suggested. "Mages can and do remain conscious while they dream in the Fade with minimal effort, sometimes without even choosing to. Those without magic generally cannot."

"I feel like the word 'generally' is doing a lot of the heavy lifting there, since you just told me you could take me into the Fade with you," Amy gave him a sour look, rolling her eyes. Then she took a breath. "When Envy invaded my mind, it sort of... kicked loose something. Like an old memory. Kind of." Not kind of, but it was the best lie she could think of.

"I've been in Thedas for months, and that was the first time this... kicked loose. But I also usually don't remember my dreams, lately." Because the dreams she remembered were usually her nightmares, and she had a lot less of those in Thedas, overall. She also slept better. "Envy didn't exactly take me into the Fade, but I saw green fire around us as it sort of 'pulled' me into my own... mindscape or whatever that was."

"Green fire like the rifts," Solas followed her thought. "Envy Demons, like most demons, would prefer to spy from within the Fade itself, learning the mind of someone from their dreams. Most mages who make deals with demons do so while conscious in the Fade as they sleep. But while it did not take you into the Fade, it did in essence cast you into the... imprint, your mind leaves in the Fade."

"The imprint my mind leaves in the Fade?"

"Precisely." Solas said. "The Fade is the world of dreams, impressions, feelings and concepts. Some would say it is the source of all emotion and creativity." Amy scoffed a little at that, since she knew that was bullshit. There was no 'Fade' on Earth Bet and people had emotions and creativity. Solas went on, his words implying he agreed with her that it was bullshit. "I am not sure it is that simple, but given that the act of making someone Tranquil does remove their ability to feel, there is a connection."

"Maybe here, but not back home. No Fade on Earth-Bet," Amy supplied, and Solas bowed his head in a very small nod. "But this... imprint thing? What do you mean?"

"Imagine the Fade as... sand, perhaps. If you were to lie down on sand, you would sink, just a touch, and shift the sand to accommodate your shape." Solas explained. "When you sleep, your mind shifts the Fade around it, akin to the way your body will move the sand. And even when you get up from where you laid down in the sand, for a time, there will be an imprint where you laid."

Depends on the sand, and how long until the wind or water or whatever shows up. But Amy followed his example.

"And so even when we wake up, we leave an imprint in the Fade?"

"More or less, yes."

"So I was taken into the Fade by Envy? Mentally anyway?"

"I have not personally experienced what you did at the hands of Envy, so it is difficult to say for sure. The nature of the Veil however, makes me believe that you were more taken into a space... between, for lack of a better term, the Fade, and our waking world."

And the difference is...? Amy exhaled slowly. "Alright, I guess that all tracks well enough, and that does give me more reason to think that if I was able to... consciously dream in the Fade, I could... get another look at the thing Envy shook loose."

"You are not going to elaborate on the nature of this 'thing'?" Solas asked, unflappable and unbothered as always. What was it that actually got him to react? He doesn't like slavery, which... valid. And he really does like studying the Fade, I've seen him get... some kind of positive emotion, even if it's muted when he talks about that. Was there anything else where I've really seen him show much emotion? Maybe when he'd been confused and seemingly annoyed all those times Amy proved to be incurious about powers?

And now I'm curious about my power and I'm not telling him I am.

"Not until I understand it more, at least," Amy said.

"Very well." Solas said nothing for a long moment. "There are certain magics that can allow a non-mage to walk in the Fade in their sleep. It is not magic known to the Circles, though some Dalish clans retain knowledge of some of the techniques."

"And you know them too? From your journeys in the Fade?" Amy surmised.

"I do," Solas nodded. "The simplest would be a potion that would put you into a state of active dreaming in the Fade, able to be conscious of your own dreams, and even step outside of them if you desire, into the wider Fade."

That sounds promising. Too promising.

"There's a 'but' coming, isn't there?" Amy raised an eyebrow. "If it was that simple, you'd have offered this potion first?"

"There are complications, yes. First and foremost, while none of the ingredients are especially rare, save one, I don't have any of them to hand. I believe even the rare one would be available in Haven, but you would have to wait until then."

Frustrating, but... not the end of the world, I guess. Amy gestured for him to go on, because it sounded like there was another problem.

"Secondly, the mind of a non-mage is not really meant to wander the Fade, or be conscious in it. Something about the quality of having magic insulates the mind and soul from the Fade's... allure, for lack of a better word."

"Allure?"

"The Fade is a world where ideas and dreams are given form. And where demons will show you whatever you want, or try to, in order to get what they want from you. Thedosian legends abound of stories of mortals who got lost in the Fade in one manner or another, coming to prefer that to the waking world. There is some truth to those stories, in theory."

Dreams and ideas given form... Amy closed her eyes at the first thought that came to mind at that idea. A world where she could - where Vicky -

Nope. Nope. Nope. NO! Amy covered her face and pulled her hands down slowly, exhaling.

"Okay." She said after a long moment. "I can see the problem. Or potential problem anyway. So... what's the solution?"

"It will not be safe for you to drink the potion more often than once a month, at most. I would suggest every five weeks to be safer. You are strong-willed for your age, and your ability to fend off Envy, even with the help of that spirit you mentioned suggests you can resist the allure of the Fade better than most-"

"Envy kept showing me all the wrong things," Amy muttered. "Really. Stupid demon thought I wanted my sister's boyfriend and her place as one of the popular girls at school. It assumed I had to Envy her because I thought about her a lot."

"As I believe I told you once, a spirit or demon embodies their concept. An Envy demon only really understands envy. In the Fade, they prefer to naturally seek out those who have enough envy to be of use. But in trying to force the issue with you..." Solas trailed off. "Regardless, I think it is better to be safe. Spacing it out will make it harder for you to find yourself lost in the false realities the Fade could offer, and better at separating truth from illusion."

"And, it would be best if you took it with someone to hand to watch you, and wake you from your sleep forcibly after a certain period of time." Solas concluded. "The potion will put you to sleep quite quickly, regardless of the time of day, which means taking it during the day would be likely best."

"Better than expecting someone to stay up all night to wake me up after a few hours. Or less?"

"No more than a few hours would be best, especially for a first foray. With practice, perhaps you could do longer, but I would not risk it."

"Alright." Amy exhaled slowly, hands on her hips, looking around past Solas for a long moment, biting her lower lip. She felt like this was too easy, but on the other hand, was it? "And at least the first time, there's not much risk of me getting trapped?"

"For you, I suspect not. Especially if you have someone to hand to wake you. I would be willing to perform the task, but if you would rather the Seeker or Katerina do so, I would understand."

"I'm not sure I want to explain this too much to either of them, until I have some answers," Amy admitted.

She did want to talk to Cassandra about it, once she understood it. She'd promised Cassandra honesty, and she would give it to the other woman, just... she wanted to understand it so she could explain it.

So Cassandra didn't think Amy was possessed. Because - and Amy had no goddamn idea if this was true - Amy was pretty sure she wasn't. She was - she was pretty sure she could blame some of the most monstrous ideas that had come to her mind unbidden, for horrible things she could create, terrible ways she could kill people were Shaper's fault. But Shaper couldn't make her do anything.

When I told Shaper I hated it, it said 'receprocation'. Amy's own power hated her.

Because of course it did. Of course she'd somehow ended up with an asshole power that wanted to murder people in horrible gross ways and also hated her, probably because she didn't want to do that. You know, like a sane person.

I'll bet Vicky's power loves her. Because everyone should love Vicky, obviously, but also because... well, Vicky wasn't fucking pathetic like Amy was.

When I get home, if I can learn more about Shaper, I can tell everyone about what I learned... if anyone will believe me. Vicky would, but source: 'My sister drank a magic potion and talked to her power' was probably right up there with source: 'Trust Me, Bro' in terms of reliability.

Still. Maybe once people knew to look, they could look and find a way to talk to powers without magic.

Was there a Dream Tinker? Tinkers were bullshit, but Amy hadn't heard of one that could like... give people custom dreams or something. But she wouldn't be surprised if one existed.

"I'll think about it. I... should probably tell Cassandra what I'm doing beforehand, just as a heads up. And you're sure there's like... no other risks?"

"You'll almost certainly have a headache afterwards, and possibly be nauseous, as if seasick," Solas offered, and Amy sighed.

"Figures. Nothing can be simple in Thedas, can it?"

"Are things simple on your world? I find life itself tends to be complicated."

Amy opened her mouth, closed it, then, "Things feel simpler back home," she finally said. "And if nothing else, most of the villains are pretty obvious about being evil. If Envy was a cape back on Earth-Bet, it would be some dude with an all black costume and cackling about how he's going to make people's yearnings come to life. Call himself Captain Envy or The Envymaster or whatever."

"Captain Envy? The Envymaster?" Solas's usually cool, collected and unflappable tone was... flapped. He sounded genuinely disgusted at the idea of those names.

"Oh, back home, the stupid names are inescapable. There's so many capes all the good names get taken. There's a hero who goes by Chubster for fuck's sake."

"Chubster? And he is-"

"Fat? Yeah." Or so Vicky had said, anyway, and she'd done the research. "His power makes him like... really tough the slower he is, and he can slow down people and things around him. I think, anyway. Something like that."

"Once more I find myself... Fascinated by the range of powers heroes and villains in your world seem to possess. They are eclectic, to say the least."

"Random bags of bullshit you mean?" Amy chuckled. "As far as anyone can tell, no two people's powers are exactly the same. They may end up working the same in practice, but every single person has slightly different powers. According to the reading Vicky did, anyway."

"There are times, Amy, when I find myself hoping that if I am able to find a way for you to return to your world, it allows for easy travel back and forth. I should like to visit, and perhaps speak to your sister, or have her come here. But I doubt she would wish to come to Thedas permanently, and I would not like to be in a world without the Fade for an extended period either, I think.

"No. Vicky wouldn't like to stay here forever. Leaving aside our family, her friends, her stupid boyfriend, there's hot and cold running water and TVs and online research journals and all that fun stuff. But I could see her wanting to visit. This place has people Vicky could wreck completely guilt free." Amy could just imagine Vicky running into some Tevinter slavers. The thought of them all being left with broken bones and pulped legs and all that shit made a smile form on her face.

Vicky would be doing so much better than me, here. Honestly, in that period between Vicky's trigger and her own, Amy had reflected more than once that her sister would do great in a fantasy world, with orcs or other 'go ahead and be as violent as you want' enemies. She could just charge in, kill the monsters, save the day. Save a handsome prince from a dragon or something like that.

Well, no. Not a dragon. No killing any dragons. Amy frowned as she had that thought and then, Oh God, is the whole reason I find dragons interesting Shaper's fault too? Is - GAH!

What, when it was connected to her power, was even her own goddamn thought?

"Of course, whenever I do hope for the ability to travel back and forth, I am reminded of the many horrors of your world. Some seem manageable by magic, not more mundane methods... others, less so." He pulled his hands off his staff, letting it stand in the ground, either stuck in the dirt or maybe being kept up with magic, she wasn't sure. "On balance, it seems like it might be best for Thedas that your trip back home be one-way."

"Yeah. Probably." Amy exhaled. She bit her lip.

She wanted to go home. She needed to see her sister again. She - she had responsibilities back home. A family. A team. And -

And she did miss them. Even Carol. But it was Vicky most of all she wanted to see again.

Because Vicky was her sister! Because even just having her as a sister was more than enough for anyone.

But you're still greedy. You still want more. Amy pressed her hands against her head, the little voice of insecurity in the back her mind sounding like Envy's, like Envy pretending to be her, with the distortion and -

Amy's breath caught.

What if there was like... a piece of Envy in her, somehow? Like in Harry Potter, when Voldemort split his soul into all those things - why couldn't Amy remember what they were called? - and so a bunch of items had a piece of himself and then wasn't there a piece of the guy in Harry? What if -

You're being a paranoid idiot. Okay, that one sounded more like her normal inner voice but -

"Okay, dumb question, because I'm probably being a paranoid idiot, but is there a way you can check to make sure there's like... no piece of Envy in my head, trying to mess with me or -" Amy started, and Solas nodded, interrupting her before she could start babbling - already her voice had started moving quicker and -

"It's a simple enough spell, though not a widely known one." He held his hand out over her, and the hand glowed. "Give me your hand," he held his own out, and after a moment, Amy held her hand out. He took it in his left hand, held his right over her, pressing down on the skin a moment, casting another spell, and he let go of her hand.

"You are free of any demonic possession or influence."

Of course, Shaper isn't a Demon.

"Good." Amy closed her eyes, let out a breath. I hate Thedas. I hate this world.

That was another reason she wanted to go home. Home made sense. Thedas had magic and demons and -

Maybe I could ask for a dragon egg and take that home with me? Was that a thing? Did people just... have dragon eggs? Or was that one of those things people didn't actually have because mother dragons protected their nests? They didn't seem to protect their young, given those Dragonlings running around on the Storm Coast, or the Dragonlings that Hawke had fought in the Bone Pit, but-

Even Dragons aren't worth staying here forever. Nothing is.

Not even - Amy licked her lips and...

She was going to miss Cassandra. Josephine. Even Katerina.

I might even miss Varric a little. He grew on you. Like moss on a rock or something.

But she had to go home, once the Breach was closed and they didn't need her, didn't need the mark on her hand.

"Thank you for checking. And thank you for being willing to make the potion once we get to Haven."

"You are welcome. Before you go, I did have one question - the spirit you mentioned, the one that helped you cast Envy out of your mind. Have you seen it since we left Therinfal?"

Amy blinked. "Uhm... no?" she wracked her mind. "At - at least I don't remember seeing him. For what that's worth. Do you think he came with us?"

"I think it's quite likely. Since you mentioned its presence, I have been using a combination of magic and... memory tricks, for lack of a better term in the common tongue, to keep a watch for spirits. I am reasonably sure it has been present and that it has made me forget at least once."

"Why do you call Cole 'it'?" Cole seemed distinctly male in a way Envy hadn't. Was it because Envy had changed forms constantly, male or female, and Cole had kept the one form the whole time?

"You called Envy 'it'? Why not this Cole? Spirits lack a gender. Whatever they present as is purely a matter of illusory form, as likely to be a result of the mortal perceiving the spirit as the spirit's own choices. A Desire demon would not show up as a woman to someone who had no interest in women." Solas paused, "Not so long as sexual or romantic desire was the path they intended to use, anyway."

"Do spirits usually give themselves names?" Cole had, but Envy had just called itself 'Envy' the Justice spirit that had possessed Anders was 'Justice'

"No." Solas inclined his head, as if conceding a point. "But," he countered, "someone else may have given it the name. That has been known to happen, especially if the spirit has interacted with mortals long enough or frequently enough. Dalish legends, for instance, speak of a desire demon called Imshael. Possessed of significant knowledge despite being a desire demon, Imshael is said to be a master trickster, capable of fooling people into making deals with it without even realizing it. The name Imshael appears to have been given to the demon by the Dalish, or possibly the Elves of Arlathan."

"And a spirit will just take the name?"

"Sometimes. Names are... interesting. They provide a constraint and a limit, and yet they also provide a certain freedom to exist in that name." Solas said that like it made any sense at all and it probably did to him, but not to Amy.

And Amy didn't feel like asking him what he meant. So instead, she just shrugged. "Okay. Uhm... do you want me to tell you if I see Cole, and manage to remember him? Any suggestions on how to remember him?"

"Writing down that you're seeing him while you see him is a simple tactic. It is only marginally effective, but it is a step up from nothing," Solas suggested. If he was annoyed she didn't ask him what he meant about names, he didn't show it.

Solas's suggestion was something she'd already thought of herself, but then, he did say it was a simple option. How hard are those memory tricks to learn? Would they work against Strangers back home?

"I'll try to remember that," Amy said, and then snorted. "I didn't mean that as a joke."

"I did not think you did," Solas didn't smile, unflappable and unbothered.

"Right." She turned away, heading for her tent. "Thanks again. You may pull the mysterious man of mystery act too much, but you do help, a lot."

"...You're welcome?" Solas sounded like he was confused as if he should be offended or grateful.

Okay, so is that how you get him to stop being so unfazed? Confuse him into submission? Rolling her eyes and smiling a little, Amy continued to her tent.

---

When she told Solas that she would tell him if she did see Cole. she didn't expect to see the spirit within two hours of saying it.

But she'd been in her tent, trying and failing to read some more of The Tale of the Champion. Apart from that, the only fiction book she had to hand unread was that lesbian porn book she'd accidentally bought, and...

She had actually tried to give it another look, with the intent of skimming past the most sexual bits to see if there was actually any plot worth reading, but then she'd - her eyes had passed across a passage and -

And her mind had filled herself and Vicky into the scene and she'd had to hold herself back from vomiting as she'd realized what she was doing and so she'd stuffed the book back into the bottom of her bag.

I'm not burning it, but first chance I get I'm - I'm putting it somewhere far, far, far, far away from me. She'd offer it to Katerina, but she wasn't sure she wanted Katerina to tease her about having bought it by accident in the first place.

"Every time you think about her, you hurt." Cole's voice behind her made Amy jump out of her skin and nearly scream. "She's everything," Cole spoke quickly, in a lower voice, and putting that together with the last few times she'd heard him speak, she was realizing that was the voice he used when reading people's thoughts. "You ache, your heart needs her. You know she hurts, burns you, burns like the sun, sun like her hair, a halo of beautiful light. But you want her, you want her here, want-"

"Shut up!" Amy finally managed to interrupt, turning to look at the spirit. He looked exactly the same as the last time she'd seen him - complete with the stupid floppy hat. "I told you to stop reading my mind." Or close enough, anyway. The last thing she needed was Cole saying the wrong thing in front of people. Somehow, against all odds and all good sense, Cassandra and Katerina didn't hate her, even though they knew about her crush, and her father and the way her powers really worked. She - she could accept that somehow, they could see things that way, especially Cassandra, but it -

I can't count on everyone else to be wrong in the very specific, narrow way Cassandra is....

"I can't help it. Everyone's thoughts are so loud. Yours are harder to understand than most, but then they get even louder when you start repeating thoughts, circling, always circling," once again, that lower and faster voice, "over and over and over, thinking, trapped, no way out, need to find a way out, there is no way, no hope, trapped, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, if there is it's just a train-" Cole cut himself off suddenly and blinked, cocking his head to the side. "I don't understand what a train is."

"A fast moving machine made of metal that will kill a person if it hits them," Amy answered mostly because the sheer, blithe confusion on his face as he asked the question. Even knowing he could read her mind - not that he should - it hadn't occurred to her that he might pick up details from Earth-Bet he'd have even less understanding of than most of the people in Thedas.

The comment about circling - That was clearly the kind of thing that Katerina called 'getting stuck inside her own head'. Not that Katerina was right to always poke her about it, Amy -

It was hard to deny, especially after what had happened at Therinfal, that she sometimes spiraled, trapping herself in a repeating loop of the same thoughts over and over and over again...

She'd like to deny it, but -

"And it doesn't matter if you can't -" Amy started, raising her voice as she started to demand that Cole stop reading her mind, but then she cut herself off, blinking and tried to actually think for a second.

Cole wasn't human. And unlike elves and dwarves and Qunari, he straight up didn't think even a little like a human. Elves and dwarves seemed to be just as capable of the full range of human emotions and thoughts and shit. Iron Bull too, if he was at all representative of Qunari. But spirits, by definition, apparently, could not.

Justice (or Vengeance) could only understand Justice (or Vengeance) and that was it. Envy had ultimately viewed everything through the lens of Envy. Cole was that way too. Amy didn't know what he was a spirit of. 'Helping people' but that wasn't the technical term, probably.

That or he's a spirit of being a stalker creep with no sense of privacy... But Amy figured that was also probably not the right phrasing.

But whatever he was the spirit of, that's all he understood. So Amy would have to put it in a way that would make sense.

He wants to help people, and stop them hurting.

"Having people poke around in my head and then say what they find out, especially if there's anyone else around, only hurts me," Amy said tightly, finally, then exhaled slowly. "So don't do it." Then she added, "Please?"

"But you're hurting. How can I stop you from hurting if I don't know why?" Cole said it as if it made perfect sense, using the kind of 'logic' that only made sense to spirits, therapists and the clinically insane.

"By asking?" Amy snapped, the obtuseness of the question, even if he didn't mean it like that, probably, pissing her off. "Just ask. And then if someone doesn't want to talk, listen to that and stop." This was a futile effort, probably, but -

Cole stared at her a moment, looking confused and baffled, like she'd just spoken to him in a stream of Chinese. "People don't tell me when I ask, I have to make them forget instead-"

"Also, can you stop making people forget about you so much?" Amy had no idea if that was inherent or if it was something she could control. Solas had told her to write it down, but she had nothing handy to write with.. "Can I borrow one of your daggers?" Amy added quickly, and Cole blinked again, but then handed it to her. Was it even a real dagger, or like, some sort of spirit thing? That she could hold it - it felt real - seemed suggest real, but magic and spirits were all bullshit anyway, so...

Amy quickly scratched 'I saw Cole' into the dirt next to her and then handed the dagger back to him.

"People don't always like it when I try to help." Cole countered. "Sometimes they try to hurt me. If I don't make them forget, then they get angry and that hurts them too."

Amy opened her mouth to say that that was why he should stop trying to read people's minds, but then she closed it. Even all that aside, Cole popping up out of seeming nowhere would make people think magic and shit, and most people in Thedas didn't like magic to one extent or another. Templars, the people he'd been around a lot recently (apparently) especially so.

Plus, the fact that he was a spirit and not a demon was probably a distinction most Thedosians would miss. Frankly, Amy knew the distinction existed and it really seemed to be arbitrary.

Like, Solas can go on about a spirit being a purpose and a demon being that purpose corrupted, but really, it feels like demon and spirit are just.... Labels people throw on it. Spirit being the ones that are nice and helpful and not making things worse, and demons that do make things worse. Solas and probably even a lot of human mages - Circle loyalist or rebel - would probably argue with her if she said it, but that didn't mean she was wrong.

"People tend to like their secrets to stay secret," Amy said after a moment.

"Why?" Cole's simple question was one of those questions that you probably needed a whole damn book to answer, but could also be answered with one sentence. Like 'why do bad things happen to good people?' Because they fucking do, deal with it.

There was a reason Amy wasn't asked to do outreach events with kids she wasn't actively healing - not that specific exchange, that one had never happened, but because Amy didn't have tolerance from stupid questions from anyone, even kids.

And yet, with Cole, the question kind of... wasn't stupid? Or at least, not as stupid?

"Because the whole point of secrets is that people want them to not get out." Amy pinched the bridge of her nose. This was probably useless, but as long as she could get Cole to not tell anyone about -

"The secrets are hurting them. Your secrets are hurting you," Cole said blandly, calm, confused and Amy pulled a hand down her face, because she was certain this wasn't an act and that made it worse, somehow.

"I -" Amy closed her mouth. Her secrets did hurt her, but it wasn't the keeping them secret that hurt. That was the thing that kept her from getting hurt. If Carol knew that Amy could do brains, if Vicky knew about her crush or about her villainous father... "It's not the keeping them hidden that hurts Cole. You saw - you saw how I reacted when Envy told Cassandra and Katerina about-" Amy lowered her voice, "you know. My sister."

She blinked, "In hindsight... why didn't you show up to help me then? I was hurting then for sure."

"I tried. You couldn't hear me, and that," he pointed to the glowing mark on Amy's hand - with no rifts nearby, the glow was minor, but it was a fact of her life, "made it difficult to try and make you forget, so I didn't."

"Okay, never make me forget about anything," Amy insisted. "With - I wish you wouldn't do it in general, but just... never do it with me, okay Cole? What would you have even made me forget about? Vicky? Fuck no!"

What would her memory of her life even be if she suddenly forgot about her sister? She wouldn't have a life. Vicky was there, Vicky was everywhere in her memories, her whole life was her sister - her favorite person, her only person and -

It's no wonder I became a gross freak about her, when you think about it... everything she did, everything she was, it all revolved around her sister.

Like, Amy wasn't around her sister 24/7, and she had had things she liked that weren't liked to Amy, back before she'd triggered... (and now, that she'd rediscovered her love of romance stories.) but... still.

Her life and her sister's had been intertwined. The idea of forgetting her -

"Thinking about her hurts you," Cole pointed out.

"Yes, because I miss her! And I want to spend time with her!" Amy countered, raising her voice. "My sister is the most important person in my life, and I'm stuck here in this - this place and I would love it if she could come and hug me and tell me it's going to be alright like she did when we were six and I was afraid of everything and -" Amy's voice cracked and she closed her eyes, blinking back tears.

"Thinking about her isn't what hurts, it's the fact that she's not here that hurts." Amy finished. "And my - the other things I'm keeping hidden aren't hurting because they're hidden either. But again, the fact of them." Knowing that her father was a villain, and - and -

Fucking Shaper. She would have to wait for weeks to get an answer, wait until they got to Haven. She was going to find out how much of all the horrible ideas she got she could blame on the bastard.

"Thoughts aren't as real out here," Cole said after a moment.

Amy blinked. "What?" What kind of absolute non-sequiter-

"In your head, when you hurt yourself because you hate you, that happened because in your head thoughts are real." Cole reminded her, and Amy sagged, remembering how that had felt, and what Cole had said.

'Thoughts are always real, but they're even more real here,' he'd said, and '"You hate Envy, so you hurt Envy - but you hate you - so you hurt you. You kept talking about yourself, about your hate for you. Kept thinking about it. Your thoughts became more real.'

He can read people's minds. He phrased it like... he said something like everyone was always in his thoughts. Which probably meant it was an involuntary thing. Like Dean, fucking seeing colors based on people's emotions. The bland jerk couldn't change that if he wanted, anymore than Amy could touch a living thing and not get a look at it's biology.

Of course, the spirits and demons show up. They're not alive, but they do a good job of playacting it.

Magic.

Magic was fucking bullshit.

Then again, so are powers, since projections don't read as alive to my powers. I guess spirits and demons are basically just projections of themselves, aren't they?

That was probably the way Vicky would try to make sense of it all, anyway.

"But out here, thoughts aren't as real." Cole finished. "The thought isn't real. Thinking about doing it isn't the same as doing it. Not out here."

"I know that!"

"You don't think like you know it," Cole said calmly.

"What does that even -" Amy started, but cut herself off. It would be exactly the same sort of thing that Cassandra and Katerina had said, about thoughts not being actions and all that. And that wasn't true. They could say it all they wanted. Cole could say the same thing.

But thoughts - they didn't come from nowhere. Maybe she could blame some of them on Shaper, but she couldn't blame all of them on it, and she knew that. Not the ones about Vicky.

"Thoughts come from somewhere," Amy said firmly. "I wouldn't be having these thoughts if I didn't want to do it on some level, if some part of me -" Amy closed her eyes, took a breath.

"I don't think that's how it works, not here." Cole shook his head. "I thought that once, that thoughts had to be real like that here too, like they are in the Fade, but it's not."

"If thoughts aren't real, then the fact that I want to be better wouldn't come from anywhere," Amy countered. She did want to be better. Katerina wasn't wrong about that when she'd yelled at her about it, told her to 'fucking try'. And she wanted to be the person Cassandra and Victoria thought she was. She could never actually be that person, but if she didn't try -

Then what would be the point of anything?

Trying was all she had, and it was all she was going to be able to do, but that didn't mean she could stop trying. Unbidden, she remembered a line from Star Wars. Always thought Yoda was full of crap, but now I guess I know he is.

"Do or do not. There is no try." Cole said, and Amy blinked. "What does that mean?"

He can pick up fucking STAR WARS quotes from my thoughts? Amy let out a laugh at the insanity of that, the sheer ridiculousness of hearing Yoda's words coming from the spirit. For a moment, she imagined Yoda wearing Cole's stupid floppy hat and she giggled. She was pretty sure she sounded a little hysterical, but she couldn't bring herself to give a shit.

"...what's so funny?" Cole asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"No," Amy said through continued laughter, "You didn't, I just -" she let out a long, kind of satisfied sigh. "I think I kind of needed that," she murmured, then giggled again, remembering the way Yoda leapt around the Senate chamber in his fight with Palpatine at the end of Revenge of the Sith. Another scene she'd been unable to do justice to when retelling it to Katerina, but -

She imagined Cole leaping around like that, and that much, she could easily see happening - he could use those daggers of his pretty well, as far as Amy could tell...

"But I don't understand what's so funny?!" Cole almost - almost sounded like he was whining, which made Amy giggle again.

"Amy?!" Amy looked up to see Katerina opening the tent flap and then she blinked, "Is that -" she pointed at Cole.

"Oh, you can see him this time?" Amy inhaled. "Good. Yes. This is Cole."

"And you are Katerina. You want to know what I am."

"Among other things," Katerina agreed.

"Sorin means what he says," Cole said, seemingly apropos of nothing. "His thoughts are hard, but there's no mirrors in his mind. Rock, not glass." Amy blinked at Katerina, who seemed to almost get what he was saying,

"Are you- are you reading my mind?!" Katerina demanded. "How did you - I - did you read Sergeant Sorin's mind?"

"Yeah, he can do that." Amy cut in. "Who is Sergeant Sorin?"

"One of the Templars. A friend of Corporal Adrienne's. We had a discussion and I just kind of thought about him without meaning to a moment ago..." Katerina explained.

"Thinking about the choices and -"

"Hey! Stop that! No reading my thoughts!"

"I can't help it. People think so loudly." Cole replied to Katerina.

"I think it's an involuntary thing. Trust me, I don't want him in my head either, but..." Amy sighed. "I'm fine. Cole just said something that made me think of something funny. Remember Yoda?"

Katerina's brow furrowed, "The little green guy who was a Jedi? Trained Luke and said that stupid thing to Anakin?"

Which stupid thing? He said a few.

"Yeah." Amy nodded. "I imagined Yoda wearing Cole's hat. It's - it's less funny if you haven't actually seen the actual Yoda in the movies, but just imagine a little green guy with a hat like that." She held her hand a few feet from the ground, more or less Yoda's height.

"...That is a very large hat for someone that short," Katerina agreed.

"What's wrong with my hat?" Cole sounded almost indignant now. Before Amy could answer the question, Katerina went on.

"You helped Amy out with Envy? I saw you in the fight, against all those shades Envy summoned." Cole nodded. "You helped save her life."

"Envy was hurting her. Wanted to hurt everyone. Because Envy thought that it would feel better if it became her. I don't know why. Becoming the Lord Seeker didn't make Envy feel better."

"...you feel bad for Envy?" Of all the people or things they'd fought to feel bad for - Amy had felt bad for the Dragonlings, and she could sort of get why Solas felt bad for the demons that they'd fought at the rifts, even if she thought it was stupid. She could get why someone would feel bad for Alexius, and if someone felt bad for the Red Templars she'd call them an idiot, but she supposed she could see why an idiot would feel bad for them -

But Envy? Fucking Envy?

"Envy was hurting too. Envy always hurts," Cole explained. "Envy always wants to be someone else, someone other than who they are, but they're always themselves, no matter who they become."

"I... I think I almost followed that..." Katerina finally said after a moment, and Amy nodded. She did too, even if she thought it was stupid to feel bad for Envy over it. But it made sense. Envy was Envy. And it wanted to be her. Envy demons stole people's faces. Became people.

Because they don't want to be themselves.

Fuck.

She had something in common with Envy demons. What a lovely thought to have.

"You'll always be yourself too," Cole told her.

"Don't I fucking know it." Amy muttered. "Why are-"

"We should tell Lady Pentaghast he's here." Katerina interrupted. "Assuming he doesn't vanish again."

Amy blinked, then nodded. Cassandra should know. She looked at Cole. "Don't go vanishing until we talk to Cassandra."

"You'll let me help you hurt less?" Cole asked, and Amy closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose again.

"Yes, fine whatever, you can do your helping thing. Let's just - go talk to Cassandra, okay?"

Amy stood up and Cole was on his feet as they both went out of the tent behind Katerina. Cassandra was sitting by one of the campfires, sharpening a sword.

"Cassandra?" Cassandra paused her movements and looked up at Amy as she spoke, then stiffened, the hand that wasn't holding the whetstone tightening around the hilt.

"Who is that?"

"That would be Cole. The spirit who helped me with Envy. He told me what I needed to do to get Envy out of my head, and helped me do it." Maybe Amy would have kept going if Cole hadn't suggested it, but it would have been harder, and - and his words had helped her keep moving at a few moments, especially near the end.

"He also helped fight those shades, remember?" Katerina said, and Cassandra nodded after a moment, as if she was only just remembering. Which... she probably was. Cassandra stood, hand still tight on her blade.

"Why is it here?"

"I want to help." Cole answered, his usual answer, because... that was what he could say.

"Cole isn't an 'it', Cassandra." Amy said firmly.

"It's a spirit, Amy. They don't have a gender."

"Cole, are you a guy? Male? Whatever you want to use." Amy asked after a moment. She didn't like the idea of calling Cole 'it'. It felt dehumanizing and fine, he wasn't human but he had helped her. He was a person, not a thing.

"...I'm not not male," Cole said after a moment. "I think?"

"Close enough for me," Amy concluded. "Don't call him 'it' Cassandra. He's not a demon."

"Spirits may not be demons, but they are not something you can just allow to roam freely," Cassandra said firmly, but she lowered her sword a little more. "What sort of spirit are you?"

Why the fuck didn't I think to ask him? Envy had known it was an Envy demon, right? So of course a spirit should know what it's a spirit of? Would a spirit be able to lie about it? Envy had lied about being the Lord Seeker, but presumably no one had asked the 'Lord Seeker' what kind of demon it was.

"...I'm not sure anymore." Cole said after a long moment. "I think I was a spirit of Compassion, once, and I still want to help, but should Compassion kill people? I can do that. I have done that. There are people that hurt others, and even though they're sometimes hurting, it's not right that they hurt people who didn't hurt them."

"...I have never heard of a spirit of Compassion killing others." Cassandra said after another long moment, and then she sheathed her sword. "You trust... him, Amy?"

"If it wasn't for him, Envy might have... he was the one who told me how to force Envy out of my head." Amy said. "I believe him when he says he wants to help. If he'd just stay out of my head, I'd be happier, but -"

"I told you, everyone's in my thoughts," Cole interrupted, and Amy nodded.

"I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I wish it wasn't happening," She gestured at him, looking back at Cassandra. "I don't think he can stop reading people's minds."

"Really?" Cassandra looked at him, eyes narrowed.

"I don't think your sword would fit there!" Cole said, sounding surprised and Amy could guess what that meant. She smirked, despite herself.

"Perhaps not," Cassandra agreed. "Seekers are taught more about demons than spirits, but spirits of Compassion are said to be able to seek out those who are in pain, and offer them comfort in their dreams."

"That's what I did, once. Then I was here, in the world, and I tried to help stop people from hurting in other ways." He frowned, and looked down, "It didn't always work, and I - I hurt people while trying to help. But then I met Rhys, and he showed me a better solution. How I could help people without hurting them. And then I realized there were people who were causing the hurt. So I stopped them."

"By killing them." Cassandra sounded skeptical.

"You kill people too," Amy exclaimed, feeling like she had to call Cassandra out about that, hold her accountable again like she'd promised she would.. "I get that that's - just how things go in Thedas and it's not like there was a better option when there's Red Templars or Venatori coming at you, but - as long as he kills the people who deserve it-"

"Yes, but spirits do not tend to always be clear on such things. Justice was a spirit, and you are aware of how that ended, no?" Cassandra noted and Amy frowned, because she had a point. "It is very easy for even a well-intentioned spirit to become harmful when in the mortal realm. I've not heard it happening with a spirit of Compassion, but Seeker Lore speaks of times when it has happened with spirits of other types.

After this long in Thedas, Amy had had to come to terms with other people killing their opponents in a fight. The Inquisition did have what passed for legal authority in Thedas, more or less, and Amy's objection wasn't to the death penalty - some fucking people deserved death - but she still didn't love that Cassandra and Katerina - and everyone else - killed people when they fought actual people, as opposed to demons or whatever. But they were people who were either working for Corypheus, or actively attacking innocent people or just attacked the Inquisition's own people and Amy had to accept that was how things were done in Thedas.

She didn't have to like it, but she could accept it. And the key thing was it was people who deserved it and probably would have ended up with some kind of death penalty anyway... and she trusted Cassandra to not kill people who didn't deserve it... unless Varric was being an ass that day. Same with Katerina, and Varric and... Not sure if I trust Sera not to kill someone who doesn't deserve it. Amy was happy to say 'fuck the nobles' but Josephone was noble, and she didn't deserve to die, so there had to be some good ones out there.

But could she really trust Cole to always make the right choice with killing? He was a spirit of Compassion, but he killed people. She could follow his logic - killing people who were hurting other people made as much sense as anything else in this nightmare world, but how could she be sure he wouldn't end up making the same kind of... mistakes or whatever the fuck it was that had happened with Justice to make him blow up a building and provoke an attempt to massacre a bunch of innocent mages who weren't even involved?

What if Cole took something too literally, or went too far, or - he misunderstood something and killed someone who didn't deserve it, using logic that made sense to him, but no one else?

"That's why I followed the Templars to Therinfal," Cole said calmly. "I wanted to help them, but I knew they could stop me if I became a demon, if I hurt people again." Then Cole frowned, "I couldn't help many of them, especially after they started becoming red inside, and the Templars ended up being the ones who needed to be stopped..."

"Is that why you've followed us? Because you know the Inquisition can kill you if need be?" Something in Amy twinged as she said that. Amy didn't want to die. She didn't even want to think about the appeal of 'not existing', which was something she'd often lingered on until recently... But if she did become a villain... if she did abuse her power, or - or create monstrosities or mess with people's brains... mess with her sister's brain...

Well, I hope the real Carol is as willing to kill me as the version of Carol in my nightmares when I was a kid was, or the version Envy pretended to be... Because at that point, Amy would deserve to die, and she should be stopped from hurting more people.

She'd never actually thought about it before now, but it was true.

"I do want to help. I can help. The Breach is loud, it's hurting spirits, driving them mad, and then they become demons and hurt people. Envy wanted to help the one behind it. The Red Templars will hurt people. I can help stop them." Cole explained. "And you can stop me if I go wrong, if I become a demon."

"I will not hesitate if that becomes the case, Cole." Cassandra cautioned, and Amy bit her lip.

"Good." Cole accepted. "I can help though!"

"I saw him fight. You saw him fight. He's good with his daggers, and there's a lot of combat potential in someone who can make the enemy forget they saw him." Katerina offered after a moment. "He helped save Amy's life against Envy and the shades, and helped Amy against Envy in the first place.

"This is true," Cassandra mused. She looked squarely at Cole. "If you are to work with the Inquisition, you must follow orders." Cole started to note, but Cassandra went on: "That means not killing on your own initiative. Not unless the threat to innocent lives or the Inquisition is imminent."

"But what if they're going to hurt someone?"

"As I said, if it is imminent, then you may act, though I will expect answers afterwards." Cassandra said firmly. "If it is not imminent, tell me of them and I shall tell you if it is appropriate to kill them." Cassandra sighed, "There are a great many people in the world who hurt others who we cannot simply kill. Life would be easier if we could."

"Such as nobles?"

"Such as some nobles, yes." Cassandra agreed. "The Inquisition cannot go around killing every single Orlesian marquis that treats their subjects poorly, much as it would be appealing to do so."

"If they're hurting people, why can't I?"

"Because things are not as simple in this world as they are in the Fade." Cassandra said after a moment. "You likely will not understand it, but trust me when I say that though some might deserve death, their deaths would only cause more problems than they would solve, especially in the immediate term."

"I don't understand," Cole said, blinking.

Amy pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to figure out some way to explain it. Apart from the obvious 'killing people is bad outside of actual fight or a legally done death penalty/kill order type thing'. Because she was certain Cole wouldn't get that at all.

"If you killed a noble who doesn't have a clear heir, then maybe his cousins start a war over who gets to take his holdings and that gets a bunch of people hurt in between." Katerina offered, clearly trying to get a point across that Cole might get.

"Then shouldn't I just kill his cousins too? If they're hurting people out of greed?"

"You'd have to kill a lot of people, and they won't all be in one place." Katerina answered. "If nothing else, it would be a logistical nightmare and people would get hurt while you're going from cousin to cousin."

"...things were simpler at the White Spire," Cole murmured after a moment.

"You were at the White Spire?" Cassandra's eyes went wide, then, "Rhys... you knew Senior Enchanter Rhys?"

"He was my friend. I was at the White Spire. That's where I became... me," Cole explained, as if that answered anything. "Rhys helped me see how I could help people better than I was."

"Who was Senior-Enchanter Rhys?"

"One of the leading figures of the incidents leading up to the final vote of the mages to rebel. He went missing during the conflict before the Conclave," Cassandra answered. "Rhys was falsely accused of murdering a Tranquil by Lord Seeker Lambert, which helped make matters even worse between the Templars and Circles than they already were at that point."

"What little I've heard about this Lambert makes it clear he was a fucking asshole," Amy muttered.

"Lambert only cared about himself, his power." Cole did that thing with his voice like when he was reading minds, that lower, faster voice. "Pathetic mages. Crush them at Andoral's Reach or starve them out. Doesn't matter which. I need an example, Seekers succeeding, seizing power. Overthrow the Divine, triumphant in the eyes of the Maker."

"...you claim Lord Seeker Lambert was planning to overthrow Divine Justina?" Cassandra demanded.

"He was. He hurt my friend. Killed people who didn't deserve it." Cole explained. "You're a better Seeker than he ever was, Cassandra. You care. He never did."

"...I am uncertain if I believe you. Or at least - if I believe you understood him correctly. Justinia and Lambert did not see eye to eye on many things, but to overthrow her? Lead some sort of coup against the Sunburst throne? It would have turned all of the south against the Seekers and Templars. It would be madness." She shook her head. "Regardless - as long as you can abide by the terms set, you may stand with the Inquisition."

Could we really make him leave if we told him no and he didn't want to? Maybe with some magic or more of Solas's memory tricks, but Strangers were tough to deal with and Cole's 'Stranger power' was pretty intense.

"Also, don't make me forget about seeing you," Amy said firmly. "In fact, consider this a blanket rule: 'don't make me or Cassandra or Katerina forget about anything without our express permission'." she paused, then, "Or Solas." Since he was probably the only person they could turn to for help if they did need to get rid of or banish Cole or something, best to not have him forget about seeing Cole either.
"Why not?"

"Honestly Cole, I have no idea how to explain it to you." Amy said after a moment. "I just would really really appreciate it if you don't, okay?"

Cole nodded slowly, looking like he didn't understand. "If it will help..."

"It will." Amy confirmed. "And - I know you can't not read minds, but just - keep people's secrets secret? Only talk to them about them, when no one else is around? Okay?" Cole nodded again slowly, again looking like he didn't get it.

I really fucking hope this doesn't blow up in our faces.

"Welcome to the Inquisition, Cole." Amy said, holding out a hand. Cole stared at it several moments.

"It's a handshake. You take my hand and we sort of move our hands up and down-" Cole grabbed her hand and shook hers vigorously, pumping it up and down in big arcs. Amy grimaced, but somehow held back from yanking her hand away immediately. "Yeah. Like that. Just - maybe a little less intense." Amy said, pulling her arm back after four very big shakes.

---

---

Author's Note: One of the problems with any work of fanfiction based on something as complicated as Worm or Dragon Age is that there's situations where it would make perfect sense for a character to bring up something - that's especially true with early Cole who has no real filter - but that if they did, it would spark an extra three to four thousand words of onscreen discussion and explanation. So sometimes, people just don't bring things up. In some ways, Cole's weirdness helps make that work anyway - it may make sense for him to bring some things up, but... Cole doesn't always make sense, now does he?

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Another longer chapter. I really did debate breaking this up, but what happens in the next chapter really does work so much better if I didn't. Plus, I outlined 40 chapters (plus the five interludes) a while back and I wanna stick with that.

---

---

After way too much riding - Amy was getting better at it, and her ass and legs weren't as nightmarishly sore at the end of the day compared to that first night riding a horse to the Hinterlands - they were drawing close to Haven. Amy was... she wasn't doing terribly. She was doing worse on the way back than she had been on the way there. Her nightmares had returned - the usual ones, of everyone abandoning her, hating her, being left alone, but with the added 'fun' of the people turning on her now including Cassandra and even Katerina.

Which I don't totally get. I mean, I guess we're... friendly? I mean, she's one of the three people in Thedas I like talking to for an extended period, I guess, but -

They didn't come every night, or at least she didn't remember them every night. And she'd rapidly realized that the way to increase her odds of not having the nightmares was to be physically exhausted when she actually fell asleep. So she'd asked Cassandra for extra staff practice in the evenings. Getting whacked in the legs and arms and ribs by Cassandra wasn't fun, though she did appreciate Cassandra's guidance and -

And she liked it when Cassandra praised her progress.

She was less thrilled that Cassandra had roped a few of the Inquisition's other soldiers into helping her with staff practice, but her comment that she needed to practice fighting other people was true... and at least it wasn't any of the Templars along for the ride.

The fucking Templars...

The long trip back had seen Amy spend more time talking with Cassandra and Katerina as well, even outside of the training. With Cassandra, they spoke more about Thedas - Cassandra explaining things about the Chantry and history and they even talked about dragons. And even though she didn't like talking about how she'd killed a dragon with another dragon, Cassandra had finally explained that part of her story with Regalyan and Avexis in greater detail, and spoken more about dragons in general.

The Pentaghast family were famed dragon hunters, and her older brother had embraced that family tradition.

In turn, Amy spoke more about Earth-Bet, the Protectorate, the PRT, the Triumvirate. Cassandra had questions about how things in the Bay alone, let alone the rest of the world could be so bad with such mighty heroes, and Amy... couldn't give a good answer? Heroes outnumbered, sure, but villains weren't exactly good at working together, so there was some balancing? Endbringers were the big answer.

Amy did explain about the Endbringers to Cassandra, who sounded horrified, but it was also so huge she admitted she had some difficulty wrapping her mind around the real impact it had. Finally, she settled on the idea that it was as if there was a localized Blight every three months. Cassandra suggested the notion, and Amy shrugged and nodded. That kind of fit.

"How is anyone in your world still alive?"

"We sometimes kind of win, and we have a lot of cities to spare?" Amy had offered. She shrugged.

She and Cassandra also talked about romance novels, though only when Cassandra was sure no one else was listening. Amy got the distinct impression she was ashamed of her taste in reading - not so much that she liked romance novels, but the specific ones she liked. Portia Plume was probably the best regarded of the ones she liked, but she did like a number of others, which Amy mentally put on lists.

And Cassandra definitely got a little flustered when the subject of the sex scenes in these novels came up. Not so much that she felt like Amy was too young to read them, but she didn't feel comfortable talking about them with anyone, even in vague non-detail.

It was kind of funny, in a weird way, that Cassandra was this amazing, strong, good, capable and confident woman but also got embarrassed and flustered about enjoying romance novels... including the ones about forbidden love. They weren't the only ones she liked, but she had enjoyed her fair share of star-crossed lover stories - mage and templar, mage and chantry sister, templar and chantry sister, nobles from rival families, noble and commoner. Cassandra had, in her years of life, read a lot of romance novels.

With Katerina, she talked about books and stories in general and then the two of them occasionally ranted about the Templars. Katerina more so than Amy, or at least more vehemently, though Katerina was apparently willing to grant that there were a few more worthwhile Templars than she'd thought, beyond just Corporal Adrienne - a sergeant named Sorin - the one who had helped court-martial Denam - was wrong on mages generally, but a hardliner against abusing mages, and she had said the other night that Ser Barris was proving to be 'almost decent', which given that he was a Templar, was high praise coming from Katerina.

The fucking Templars.

Amy did speak with the other here and there. She avoided Sera the most, just because the woman was so... baffling. She talked with Varric as she continued to read the Tale of the Champion. With how long the road had proven to be, she'd gotten much further into the book - though between staff practice and so on, she had only so much time to read. But they had gotten past the Deep Roads expedition, and they were building up to tensions developing with the Qunari. And Hawke had realized she had feelings for Merrill - and Varric pulled no punches in showing how much she'd started pining for the other woman, but also how much of an idiot she was being in not telling Merrill how she felt.

She did love the pining, but she'd also found herself asking Varric why Hawke never said anything. Hell, why hadn't Merrill yet?

"Oh, Hawke... she's just no good at feelings. Always making a joke or getting angry," Varric explained. "And she always worried about how Merrill would feel, about a human being interested in her, she worried about if Merrill might feel pressured because of how much Merrill felt like she owed Hawke for all her help or... and of course, she just completely missed that Merrill was making moon-eyes at her too, all the damn time," Varric had answered. "Isabella and I had a bit of a bet going as to when one of them would finally fess up, and who would say something first. Daisy ended up being the one to, but you have a good few chapters before you get there, so I'll avoid spilling the details."

"Did you win the bet?"

"No. I really thought Hawke would be the one to break down first. See... Merrill, for all that she could absolutely dominate the battlefield with her magic and knew more about spirits and elven lore than anyone I've met other than Chuckles," he gestured vaguely in the direction of Solas, who was, as usual, standing of at the edge of the camp playing at being mysterious, "Daisy wasn't exactly the most confident woman. She never had a lot of friends in her clan, and two of the few she had died before they came to Sundermount. So it never occurred to her that Hawke might like her back."

"She's obvious about it!"

"It's different when you're on the outside, Panpan," Varric countered. "It's easy to notice when two people are interested in each other... but when you're one of the two? Not always so easy."

Amy snorted, "That's just being oblivious... which I do love reading about, don't get me wrong, but that's because it's fictional! Real people shouldn't be so oblivious. They can't be!" She refrained from arguing with him calling her 'Panpan' because it was a lost cause.

"There's a lot I made up for the book, but Hawke and Merrill being that oblivious? Nope. That was all them."

Then there was Ser Marius, who insisted on continuing to flirt with Cassandra - and who never actually shut him down. Amy knew it was on Marius to accept that Cassandra wasn't into him and stop, but Amy would have assumed Cassandra would have made it clear she wasn't interested in his blatant flirting. Because she wasn't. The man was just... he didn't - she'd seen people flirt in grosser ways, yeah, he somehow always managed to avoid crossing that line.

But he was one of those people who was just so sure he was charming and used to getting people to like him just by being 'charming' at them.

She talked a little with Iron Bull - about Dragons. Not intentionally, the conversation had just come up and she was there and then... dragons! The Qunari apparently held dragons in deep respect - not worshipping them, and Qunari were happy to kill Dragons too, but they saw Dragons as worthy of reverence.

And then, later, when she'd pressed him for more details about Dragons, because he was a veritable fountain of facts about them, and the various breeds and species of dragons and the way High Dragons fought, he also let slip that there was a theory among some Ben-Hassrath that Qunari were descended from Dragons in some form, maybe from just drinking the blood, maybe something more.

Which...

Yeah. They were.

"It's a crazy old theory that's been kicking around forever. I kind of want it to be true," Iron Bull said. "I mean, descended from dragons - what could be more impressive than that?! Just imagine it, me breathing fire and flying around?! The Iron Bull would be unstoppable. Even more than I already am." He said, then shrugged. "Only a few of the Ben-Hassrath really believe it, sometimes they even try to find proof."

It took everything Amy had to not confirm the theory, because she had no idea how that would go over. Iron Bull liked the idea, but would he like proof? Would he accept her proof? What if he told the rest of the Qunari 'hey, I have proof we've got Dragon in us'? Would they all be on board with that or would she have the Qunari religion declaring her some kind of false prophet and then try to kill her over it.

Or... worse...

They'd declare her some kind of true prophet.

She did not need another religion looking at her like she was a prophet.

The fucking Templars.

Once Amy had had the chance to think about them after she didn't feel exhausted and drained mentally and emotionally, she was... she was pissed about them not being disbanded. Not so much at Cassandra because - it wasn't like she'd told Cassandra what she was contemplating, and it also wasn't Amy's decision.

I'd rather Cassandra choose not to disband them then have to be the one expected to make these decisions...

And Cassandra had made good points. Amy... Amy wasn't sure, in the cold light of reflection, if she completely agreed it would be that simple to just 'rebuild them better', but Barris was... not terrible, and -

The Circles weren't coming back. Nothing like that was coming back. The Inquisition was as committed to that as they were to letting the Templars continue to exist. That meant something.

And whatever else, she didn't - she didn't get upset at Cassandra about it because she knew the older woman was good. She was doing good. Being good. She wasn't keeping the Templars around because she liked the oppression of the mages. And she wasn't sure if it was the best plan, she just... didn't see a viable alternative, not given the need to also prevent the Circles from coming back (and make everyone okay with that) and the real concerns about blood mages and abominations and so on.

So yeah. Amy accepted Cassandra's decision as Cassandra's decision, but she still really didn't like it.

And I still don't really have a better idea. 'Disband them All, let the Maker sort them out' sounded like a nice idea in theory. Hell, it was a nice idea, but - then what? Did they have to recruit brand new Templars and leave all the old ones to just... what? Die? Become mercenaries? Just retire and get Lyrium on the Inquisition's dime for the rest of time?

Working out which, if any of the old ones could be trusted to be part of some new group and then there was the political backlash bullshit, and the fact that people might not like both the Circles and the Templars being abolished at the same time and -

It was stupid and Amy hated it, but she didn't really see a good way out. It would all depend on what the reorganized Templar Order actually turned out to be, and...

I'm not going to be here to see that. Amy didn't - it wasn't that she like... wanted Thedas to suck just as soon as she was gone. She wanted the mages to be free. She wanted to make sure Templars couldn't run around abusing their power, and so on... but on the other hand, she couldn't actually count on being here to see it went well.

But Cassandra - she - she's a good person. And Leliana is pro-Mage, and Josephine is good and even Cullen won't want to see the Templars go back to how they used to be so -

And again. Abolishing the Templars... What's the solution afterwards? If you make a choice like that, you have to be there for all the consequences.

She didn't need that much responsibility. It wasn't her choice. Not alone. Not at all, ideally, but - people, even Cassandra, expected her to have some input, or want to have some input or at least wanted to know what she thought...

Which brought her back to the specific problem she had had the most with the Templars on this trip back from Therinfal. Which wouldn't have been changed if they were ex-Templars.

The fucking Templars kept treating her with reverence. Almost everyone in Thedas did, especially if she didn't spend much time with them - Katerina and Leliana were right that spending time with her generally convinced people she wasn't divine, thank fuck - but the Templars seemed to take it to a whole new level.

Maybe it was all the Templars she'd healed. Maybe it was the fact that Templars were probably more devout than most people? Maybe they were looking to her for purpose now that the Order was in tatters (which was a really fucking stupid idea). Or maybe surviving Envy's attempt to invade her mind made them respect her more or something. Amy had no idea.

But they were always looking at her with awe and reverence. They were always speaking to her like they thought the Maker's light shone out of her ass or something. And some had even asked for guidance on what the future of the Order should be.

Amy had had to explain she didn't speak for the Maker and had no special insight into him, but when they pressed, Amy had given an answer:

"Stop treating every single mage as evil just because they're a mage, and focus on saving innocent people. If you're supposed to be heroes, fucking act like it!"

Templars also asked for reassurance about how this would all end. That they, that Thedas would make it through this. To which Amy could truthfully answer that she could close the Breach, and that the Inquisition was dedicated to restoring order.

Amy was closing the Breach. If Templars and Mages didn't make it work, then Katerina was right. Amy was going to find another way. Preferably not one that involved flying and learning to sew, but... if she had to...

Because until the Breach was closed, she couldn't go home. She had to do her duty here, to all the innocent lives in danger if the Breach got worse, if more rifts opened, if the demons brought over by rifts hurt people.

Even if a portal back home opened up right in front of her, Amy couldn't justify taking it. No matter how much she wanted to hug Vicky again.

God, at this point she'd take a cold stare from Carol, if it meant she could have her old bed back, and running hot and cold water, and electricity and a fucking Fugly Bob's hamburger and a soda and -

Amy paused in her pacing and looked around her. No portal.

Just had to check. The way the universe seemed to like to fuck with her, a portal opening up right next to her now that she'd had that thought would almost have made sense.

Amy wanted to go home. She wanted to go home so badly she could taste it. She wanted to go back to a world where most things made sense and most people weren't reverent to her to her face and where magic bullshit wasn't a thing.

Sure, she'd miss Cassandra. And Josephine and even Katerina. And she still did want to get a look at a High Dragon and see how they flew and - and she was still curious about Lyrium and if she could find a way to kill the Taint...

Except I don't know how much my desire to do something stupid like walk up to a giant fire-breathing flying lizard and touch them is from me and how much is from Shaper. Amy was sure some of it was Shaper, it had to be, but... she did think some of the curiosity was her, right?

But - High Dragons were a no-go. Amy wasn't that desperate.

Lyrium... Amy wasn't sure. From what Varric had said about what even regular Lyrium could do to people, and just seeing and hearing and sensing with her power the toll the refined stuff could take on Templars, Amy knew it was potent shit.

But Amy didn't know if the effect it had was something her power could prevent - the same way she was immune to disease and poison... unless it was magical. Amy was mostly - mostly - sure her power could stop the Taint from infecting her, but she definitely didn't want to test it. And magical poison would probably fuck with her.

Which brought things back to Lyrium - she wanted to get a look at the untainted stuff. Wanted to understand how the Lyrium could go from all hundreds of letters to just four. But she suspected that Lyrium's primary danger was magical... and the way it did things would be as much 'it's magical bullshit' as anything her power could understand.

"The Templars are forming up," Cassandra said quietly, pulling Amy out of her thoughts and she looked off to the left to a clear, open patch near the road.

They were almost to Haven, and when Amy had made a comment to Ser Barris about making sure the Templars in this first group - thirty-two in total - behaved themselves when it came to all the Templars present in the village. Barris had suggested gathgering all the Templars together so Amy could tell them at once. That it would be more meaningful coming from her. From the Herald.

Amy had muttered she was no one's Herald, but she'd accepted the idea after Cassandra agreed it was likely true it would come better from her.

"And I was supposed to be using this time to figure out what to say. Damnit." Amy took a breath.

"You did not?"

"...I was trying? And then I got distracted." Amy admitted, flushing.

"By?" Cassandra raised an eyebrow.

"A lot of things? Dragons, Lyrium, the Taint... the fact that I hate that disbanding the Templars probably would have been a worse idea in the first place, but also being super glad it's not my call either way."

"You are thinking about wanting to look at a High Dragon with your power." Cassandra said, crossing her arms in front of her, and Amy bit her lip, looking away, still flushing. She hadn't said it in so many words, but she'd pestered Cassandra for details about dragons and the way she'd snapped at Varric back with the Dragonling and so on - yeah, Cassandra could guess.

"Among other things," Amy muttered. "I know, I know, it's never going to happen, but I still want to see how they fly." She had some theories. Including that they might not actually fly in a conventional sense - they might be more like flying squirrels, albeit with stronger jumps. That one was probably not true, but what she found interesting was that when dragons did a lot of fire breathing, such as when people attacked them, they didn't seem to fly quite as much or stay in the air as much.

So maybe the gas they used to breath fire can also be used to inflate something to give them some lift?

Their bones could also just get hollower, and they did have really big wing spans, so that had to help, but Dragonlings hadn't run on magical bullshit, so she really, really, really wanted High Dragons to not run on bullshit either.

"You could have picked almost any other creature on Thedas to be fascinated by." Cassandra said. "One you could have gotten a look at safely already."

"Most animals on Thedas are pretty normal as far as I can tell. Dragons aren't." Amy defended herself. "They're weird, but in a way that makes sense, which, compared to the Taint and Elves..." Amy shook her head. "Not the point." She took a breath. "Okay, Templars." She looked ahead and she saw them forming up. "Fuck, what am I supposed to say?"

"You can always-"

"I could, but it needs to be done Cassandra, you know that." Amy swallowed. "The last thing we need is Templars hassling the rebel mages. I promised Fiona they'd be punished if they did, and you agreed."

"I did. And I agree this needs to be said, and it would be better coming from you. But if you do not feel as though you can-"

"I don't feel like I can do much of anything I've done in Thedas." Amy pointed out. "But I'm the person that can do it, and so I have to. Why would this be any different?" She sighed, exhaling. Amy closed her eyes, took another breath.

It doesn't have to be long, or involved. Just remind them this is about the Breach. About Corypheus. Bigger problems. Corypheus was the one behind Envy, behind the Red Lyrium...

Amy blinked.

Corypheus was a Darkspawn.

Red Lyrium had the Taint.

Varric had mentioned something about a sleeping Corypheus sort of calling Darkspawn to him, and intelligent Darkspawn like him commanding portions of the Horde after the First Blight, right?

Fuck me, that has to be why he wanted the Templars on Red Lyrium. Specifically. Could he control people who used enough of it? Influence their minds, or outright puppetry? Somewhere in between?

Fuck.

"Amy," Cassandra pulled her from her thoughts again. "You do not need to take every weight and burden on yourself simply because it is there."

"I'm not helpless, Cassandra. And this is just... talking to a bunch of people."

"Something you had difficulty with when you first arrived in Thedas, at the Crossroads." Cassandra pointed out.

Amy flushed again, remembering how she'd melted down and then run off...

"That was months ago. I've... I've had to get used to it." Amy pointed out. "And I mean - I wasn't - I was still like two weeks out from being blown up and sent here, and still processing everything. I - I'm not - I'm doing better now about all this shit in general."

"This is true. But promise me you will not push yourself more than you must, Amy. You will help no one if you do, least of all yourself."

Goddamnit, I - I'm - "I'm not," Amy started reflexively, then she took a breath and forced herself to focus. She had bigger issues. She moved to the assembled Templars, hearing Cassandra walking behind her. Some of them wore helmets, others did not. As she approached, Barris pressed his closed right fist to his chest, and all the rest followed suit, which - she got that salutes were a military thing but it was fucking creepy to watch them all act almost as one like that, and no one should be saluting her!

"You can all relax. At ease?" That was what you said to soldiers who were standing at attention, right? Either she got the right word, or her intent was clear, and Barris - and then the rest - dropped their right arms back to their sides. Amy took a breath.

Stay on script. Or just... I don't have a script but -

"Okay. We're going to reach Haven in a couple of hours once we get moving again. You all know there's mages that were part of the rebellion there. The Inquisition is working with them because we need their help for the Breach too, and because the same bastard who sent Envy to fuck with you guys - Corypheus - tried to make them all his slaves. Right now, we're all on the same side: Close the Breach, stop Corypheus, and restore order. So don't harass the mages in Haven. If you really think one of them is doing something wrong, bring it to Cassandra, or Cullen or even me, if you have to. And if any of the mages give you shit, then you bring it to someone in charge. If we fight each other, the only one who wins is Corypheus, okay? And none of us want that, right?"

Amy exhaled, feeling her heart beating fast in her chest. "Corypheus killed the Divine. He created the Breach. He might even be behind Red Lyrium spreading, but we don't have proof of that one yet. But he's got to be the one who arranged for Envy to give it to your officers." Amy kept going, raising her voice, gesticulating a bit as she felt herself starting to rant.

"After everything that's happened, it would have been within the Inquisition's rights to declare an end to the Templars or... something like that. But instead, Cassandra offered you all a chance to regain your honor, right? To live up to your oaths and be protectors and stuff. This is your chance. So fucking take it!"

"How can we trust the mages to-"

"How can they trust you?! For years, you people caged them and abused them and too many times your brethren got away with it. And then your stupid war made things worse. You don't like the rebel mages. They don't fucking like you, and a lot of people are happy to say 'a plague on both your houses'." Amy remembered a few lines of Shakespeare from English Lit class, and that was one of them. "So - this - this isn't about trusting them. The Circles are dead, the mages quit. Trying to force them back is fucking stupid and it only started a war and that war is what Corypheus is using to try and get power. Right now, this is about working together to save the goddamn world, okay?"

"What right do you have to command us!? You say you're no Herald-" Another Templar protested, but there were angry murmurs and glares at that - but directed at him, not Amy.

"I'm not! But I am the person that can close the Breach, so when it comes to fucking focusing on that you should listen to me!" Amy insisted, stopping her pacing to glare at the bastard who had spoken. "If you want a chance to reclaim your honor and show Thedas you're not just fucking fanatical thugs looking for an excuse to abuse your power, work with us! Okay? If you want to refuse to help close the breach and stop Corypheus because there's mages doing the same, then leave now. Be part of the problem. Corypheus might still be recruiting Templars willing to eat that Red Lyrium shit. You know, the stuff infected with the Darkspawn Taint."

Amy's words were met by more murmurs, and the one that had protested looked taken aback, looking down at the ground. Others were looking at her angrily, but even more seemed to be at least hearing her out, or looking at the ground in shame even.

"The Inquisition will help the Templars address their grievances with the Chantry and the rest of Thedas, but the only way you'll get to be part of that solution is by helping us!"

"And do nothing about-"

"What exactly can we do, Ser Merrick?" Adrienne spoke up - Amy recognized the woman's voice, though she was coming from somewhere in the back of the assembled crowd. "Forcing the mages back into the Circles didn't help, and the ones who were the hardest on the mages were the ones taking the Red Lyrium, mostly. People like Conrad. Maybe let's try to do something different from what they did?"

Amy watched some Templars nodding, but not all of them seemed so onboard.

"You hated Captain Conrad ever since he cost you your rant and position in Cumberland!"

"Conrad killed a dozen of our brothers and sisters who refused to be corrupted, and the reason I lost my rank was because he punished me for trying to report a Templar abusing their position to do unjustified injury to the mages in our charge!" Adrienne snapped. "Cruelty and monstrousness in equal measure were Conrad's currency of choice. I joined the Order to protect innocent people from magic run amok." She gestured at the Breach in the sky, "That's magic run amok, no? A Tevinter Magister killing the Divine is magic run amok. That comes before anything else, for me. If it doesn't for you - then why are you even still here?!"

"We have pledged our aid to the Inquisition, and Haven is the Inquisition's. This effort is theirs," Barris pointed out. "And our Order has worked alongside mages for greater threats before - in Every Blight, mages are called to the battlefield against the Darkspawn, and Templars stand by them, fighting to protect them against the horde. When the Qunari invaded the south, mages and Templars stood together. Even in Kirkwall, for all that matters fell apart later, when the Qunari attacked the city again - mages and Templars stood together. Against this new threat from Tevinter, how can we turn away? Our brothers and sisters of the past, the same ones we honor the memory of, were willing to stand by mages against a common threat. I am not willing to break that chain of history and trust. Are any of you ready to so easily cast that all aside?"

Most of the angry, disagreeing Templars seemed cowed by that one-two punch from Adrienne and Barris. Amy wondered if they had practiced it, since they both spoke so well, so completely and coherently, without any pauses or stumbling.. If Barris had known that having Amy address the Templars would make the grumblers come out in the open and give him a chance to deploy the argument.

If that was the plan, Amy wasn't sure how she felt about it. It did make the Templars behave, but it also meant that Amy had basically been set up as bait, and she was... not a fan of that. She swallowed and tried to think of something to say, something she could say to wrap this up.

"No one is going to get a pass if they hurt innocent people, or do bad things. Mage or Templar. I meant what I said about telling one of the people in charge, or even me, if you suspect a mage of blood magic or something else bad." Amy might have to be the one to confirm if someone was lying or telling the truth, if it came to that, since she suspected both sides were more likely to believe her word than anyone else's.

Have I mentioned I hate Thedas lately?

"The Inquisition is committed to order and justice," Cassandra said, stepping forward, "Whatever the source, those who work against those will be punished, I swear this on Divine Justinia's memory." She looked at Ser Barris, "Ser Barris." She nodded at him, and pressed a fist to her chest in a salute.

"Templars! Dismissed!" Barris said with a shout, and the assembled Templars slowly broke apart and started to return to the road and those still part of their column marching and riding back to Haven. The man approached Cassandra and Amy, and spoke again, voice lower, "Thank you, Lady Dallon. That appears to have gone quite well."

"Better than I was afraid it would," Amy admitted. She didn't like being called 'Lady Dallon' much either, but it was ever so marginally better than being called Herald. What was so hard about 'Amy'? Or 'Miss Dallon', if they were that allergic to her name?

Why do they assume I'm a noble?

"But it went well mostly because of you and Ser Adrienne," Amy added. "Did you two plan that ahead of time?"

"I wouldn't have been able to say what I said without you capturing their attention, Lady Dallon," Barris countered. "As for Ser Adrienne... no, I did not plan anything with her. Her words were sound, though I'm not entirely in agreement with her." He exhaled, "Still. It did the job. Doubts among the Templars have been assuaged, and when we get to Haven and they see that the rebel mages are hardly rampaging around the village, it should silence the doubters for some time, I believe."

If only, if only.

"Now we simply need to ensure none of the mages decide we're changing our minds on our promises with them," Cassandra muttered. "They know you are coming, Grand Enchanter Fiona was warned and would have told her people, but I am sure some are... unhappy about your arrival."

Oh shit.

---

Finally returning to Haven after what was probably a month and a half (Amy was honestly starting to lose track, the days bleeding into one another. If she'd stayed in one place the entire time, she could have done that thing they did in movies and TV shows where they made tally marks on the walls, but...) showed her how much the village had changed, and how quickly things could change, even in Thedas, when people put their minds on it.

A whole bunch of extra buildings had been thrown up, filling up the open area out in front of the gates and spreading out from there. There were more tents too, despite all that, and the village was overstuffed with people - mages, soldiers, probably a bunch of nobles coming to petition the Inquisition for aid, pilgrims coming for the Herald's blessing and fuck if she knew who else. A new set of walls had begun construction out in front of the new construction, though it looked like there was a lot more to do, and it was all wood and piled up dirt, rather than stone.

The little 'road' up to and past the gates and leading up to the Chantry was lined with people and many of them were cheering. Some were probably cheering the Templars, but Amy could assume most were cheering her. She was back, here to heal again soon, and of course, with mages and Templars both here, closing the Breach could only be happening soon, right? The ordeal would be over soon.

Or not. Corypheus is still out there after all. But without the Breach, at least their impending doom might not be as close, or at least it would be less visible.

That was the whole fucking idea anyway.

There were people not cheering though. Many of them were mages, judging by the robes and staffs, but some mages were cheering, and not all those staying quiet were mages.

"It might be a good idea if Ser Barris and Grand Enchanter Fiona shook hands or something in front of everyone," Katerina suggested quietly, riding next to Amy.

Amy blinked. It was a good idea, but it sounded a little too nice to the Templars to be Katerina's idea. She reached over and grabbed the redhead's hand. Nope, still a human, still the same biology.

"What was that?"

"Checking if you were replaced by an Envy Demon."

"No Envy Demon could get me right," Katerina said confidently. "My sense of humor alone is impossible for them to copy."

"Well, yeah, that's why I was checking. That suggestion doesn't sound a thing like you." Amy paused, "Also, what sense of humor?"

Katerina grabbed at her chest with one hand, keeping the other on her reins, leaning back, mouth falling open in overdramatic fake-pain. "Right in the heart, Amy. Your sharp words have run me through!" She grinned, and chuckled as she put her hand back on the reins again.

"I rest my case," Amy said, smiling just a tiny bit. It was a stupid line, but Katerina did the bit pretty well.

"Anyway, it wasn't my idea. It was Varric's. He pointed out you'd probably like the idea, and convinced me to suggest it." She grimaced, "It is a good idea. Look at some of those mages. The way they're glaring swords at -"

"Glaring swords?!"

"Their glares are definitely worse than daggers, aren't they?" Katerina countered and Amy looked at a mage they were passing, with a near-snarl on the woman's face and a look of hatred in her eyes that Amy had last seen on an E88 thug she'd seen refusing medical treatment from a black doctor as the mage looked at the Templars...

"...Yeah. Definitely a good idea." Amy spurred her horse forward just a little - it took a few attempts to get it right. She was getting better at directing her horse, but it was still mostly just a matter of keeping it going in the right direction at any easy trot.

She shared the suggestion with Cassandra, who accepted the idea as well, and she passed it on to Barris, who also thought it a sound notion. Now Amy just had to hope Fiona was onboard with it too.

The Grand Enchanter was standing out front of the Chantry along with a small group of other people - one of whom Amy recognized, though she didn't know the woman's name - as well as Leliana, Cullen and Josephine.

Amy dismounted at a nod from Cassandra, and so too did Barris, Katerina and the others at the head of their column. She approached the trio who - along with Cassandra - actually led the Inquisition, bracing herself, brow furrowed,

"Amy," Josephine said as they approached. "You were successful in both tasks you set before yourself, I see." Word had been sent ahead, of course, but this whole thing with so many eyes on them was a PR thing. Amy swallowed and once again tried to draw on all of Aunt Sarah's lessons as she tried to play her part.

"Things didn't go exactly according to plan in Redcliffe or Therinfal, but yes." She turned to the watching crowd, knowing she'd need to say... something. Something about... how they could all close the Breach and they were working together and -

Barris approached the Grand Enchanter and held out one hand, accidentally buying Amy time. It almost felt like the collective crowd was holding their breath as the Templar spoke.

"Grant Enchanter Fiona. I am Ser Barris and - to my chagrin, I am the one my brothers and sisters among the Templars have turned to as a leader for the time being, with so many of our leaders lost. There is much bad blood between your mages and the Order, but I believe that the cause of the Inquisition is one greater than any of that." He sounded earnest.

Fiona hesitated for just a moment, then accepted Barris's hand.
"I can agree with that, Ser Barris. There are matters greater than our past that must be resolved before anything else may be discussed. It is my hope," she added, raising her own voice, "that our cooperation can serve as the basis for the sort of peace the Conclave originally sought."

That sounded like it was her cue to say something and as Amy stared at the crowd, ready to make some kind of platitude-filled speech about working together and winning against Evil or... whatever for the second time today, she realized... she couldn't.

The weight of all those eyes on her, even more expectant - and somehow more reverent - than ever before - it hit her all at once and she staggered back, feeling nausea rising in her stomach, head buzzing, swaying - her heart was threatening to burst from her chest with how fast it was going and her breathing was quick and -

She looked at Cassandra, trying to voice a plea, but afraid to open her mouth as she felt a rising heat in her throat. What the fuck is wrong? Why am I so - Amy hated crowds, hated attention, still, but this - this was pathetic and she'd had more people looking at her in Val Royeaux and -

And -

Cassandra seemed to figure out what Amy wanted without her saying anything and stepped forward, raising her voice.

"When the Inquisition was formed, we vowed to close the Breach, find those responsible, and restore order. Over the last month and a half, we have made great progress to that," Cassandra explained. "With the aid of the Templars and the mages, Amy will be able to close the Breach soon. And the identity of the one behind the Breach is known to us now-"

There was a sudden roar from the crowd, people cheering and also demanding to know who it was, and Amy staggered back, nearly falling - Katerina caught her arm, and held her up and Amy tried-

Why am I so - why is this - it's not that -

Why was she falling apart at this, choking this close to finally closing the Breach and being done with it all and -

Cassandra drew her sword and shield and beat the flat end of it against her shield, creating a loud noise that was soon joined by a number of soldiers and even Templars doing the same. Slowly, the crowd's uproar slowed and swallowed, trying to hold down on the bile still rising in her and -

"Those details will be shared with you soon," Josephine said, taking the opening quickly. "But not yet. We ask you all just a little more patience."

"It has been difficult, and even once the Breach is closed, restoring order and punishing the one behind the Breach and those who stand with him will not be easy. But hope has returned. The Dawn Will Come!" Cassandra added, once again with that 'dawn will come' line, as if it was something everyone knew, because a lot of people in the crowd echoed it back. Katerina wrapped an arm around Amy's waist and half-carried her into the Chantry.

"You look like you're seasick on land. Do you need a bucket?" Katerina asked urgently, quietly, as she pushed open the double-doors. Amy nodded, still not trusting herself to talk, not understanding the sudden onset of nausea or -

Why am I so fucking pathetic?!

Katerina propped her up against the wall and then hurried off, returning a few moments later with a bucket. Amy grabbed it and doubled over, the taste of bile hot and acidic against her tongue as she emptied the contents of her stomach into it, gagging, gasping, sucking in air now that she could open her mouth and breath through it.

She felt a hand on the small of her back and Amy spat into the bucket, trying to rid herself of the taste lingering in her mouth, gagging a little - nothing else was coming up, and she set the bucket full of bile and partially digested food on the ground, staggering away.

"Amy!" Cassandra's voice came from the doorway and the other woman was there at her side. Katerina stepped aside and Cassandra put a hand on Amy's shoulder.

"I'm -" Amy started to protest that she was fine, but she wasn't, and the lie would be so transparent it wasn't worth even trying. "I- I'll be fine. In a bit," she finally said.

"Are you sure?" Josephine's voice asked behind her, sounding even more audibly concerned than Cassandra had. "Are you unwell?"

"Not physically. I can't get sick."
"You can get poisoned," Leliana noted. "Was anything you've eaten or drunk left exposed to-"

"I wasn't poisoned! I - just -" Amy closed her eyes. "All those people staring at me and it - I was too much and -" Amy sagged, pressing her back against a wall, sliding down a bit, legs bent, "I got overwhelmed." She tried to take a deep breath, failed, and then tried again, still tasting bile on her tongue, I'm pathetic, I'm so fucking -

"You know how much I hate dealing with crowds, and I - I just -" Amy shook her head. "I'm sorry for - for fucking up the big moment and not saying anything and - I know it was a big PR moment for the Inquisition, Josephine and I -"

"Think nothing of it, Amy," Josephine shook her head, waving a hand dismissively. "There will be opportunities for speeches later, especially ones you've prepared for."

"Ultimately, what matters is you closing the Breach. All the speeches in the world won't matter against that," Cullen noted. Then he exhaled, "Thank you."

Amy blinked and looked over at him, seeing the way his shoulders sagged, the bags under his eyes - there was a quaver in her hands, now that she was looking at him closer. Was he paler than before? A little, maybe.

I definitely have to see about doing something about his Lyrium withdrawal. Cullen was... he was on the right side and he was the obvious test case to see if she could do anything about it and -

"What for?"

"For going to Therinfal," Cullen said. "If you hadn't gone, then all of the Order would have been turned into those... Red Templars the messages sent ahead described." He grimaced, "Where could they have gotten that much Red Lyrium?"

"Tainted it, somehow," Amy said. "Corypheus is a Darkspawn, and they spread the Taint, right?"

"It's a little more complicated than simply being near a Darkspawn, usually, but yes," Leliana agreed. "The message did say you said Red Lyrium was tainted, how how can a mineral-"

"Lyrium's not a mineral. Or at least... not just a mineral. I have no fucking clue what Lyrium is, since I haven't touched the real stuff, but it's definitely alive."

"Alive?!" Cullen stared at her like she had two heads or - or like she'd just said the drug he was addicted to was a living thing. "That - how - that's impossible!"

"How? People eat living stuff all the time, or at least stuff that was alive." Amy shrugged. "There's Lyrium in your bloodstream. Alive. I thought it was just... some local microbacteria at first, then a thing that like... lived on Lyrium, but it's Lyrium."

Cullen stared at her, struck dumb, and Josephine didn't look that much less surprised. Leliana, unsurprisingly, had an expression that was impossible to read.

"How can something be mined, and come in the form of ore be alive?" Josephine finally asked after a moment.

"Fuck if I know. I'm just saying it is. It's... all I saw was the Tainted stuff, but... in a way, it was -" Amy covered her face with her hands. "It was the most complicated form of life I've ever touched. It was like -" Amy shook her head, "I don't even know if I can describe it... it was like... looking at things in color after nothing but black and white? Maybe?" The complexity of the Quadruple Helix, the hundreds of 'letters' that made up its design... and the Taint running through it, somehow not overwriting it, but corrupting it nonetheless, making it impossible to get a good read on it.

It was like... like being shown something close to perfection and having it ripped away and -

Perfection?! What the fuck? Amy blinked as she tried to process that thought, where had that emotion come from? That had to be Shaper, right? Or - or something related to Shaper, her agent? Don't fucking put ideas in my head!

Futile thought, she knew, but -

She was going to have so many fucking words for Shaper when Solas made that potion and she got a chance to talk to the fucking thing. You - you've ruined my fucking life enough, Shaper! Stop doing it more!

"-at this point, I think Amy's proven what her power is capable of understanding, given matters with Blackwall, but I doubt anyone else who doesn't know her well would believe her," Leliana's voice broke through Amy's thoughts, and she realized she'd missed conversation.

"Blackwall? What about him?"

"You were correct." Leliana explained. "He is no Grey Warden, nor is he Gordon Blackwall. He is Thom Ranier, a deserter from the Orlesian Army, and wanted in connection with the murder of Lord Callier and his wife and children some years ago."

"The fuck? How old were these kids?" She'd - she'd thought con artist or spy or - something, but murderer? And they'd had him training soldiers? What the - what the fuck?

"Both under the age of twelve," Leliana answered. "Josephine sent word to Orlais as soon as he was taken prisoner. He's confessed his entire story." She had a hard expression on her face, her jaw clenched tight. "He claims the real Blackwall did really recruit him to be a Warden, but that Blackwall died when they were ambushed on the way to the Warden fortress at Val Chevin. Lacking any way to prove he'd been recruited, if he showed up in Val Chevin alone, he'd have been imprisoned and executed."

"He killed kids! He fucking deserves that in spades!" Amy snapped. "Is he - is he in a cell now, still?"

"Yes," Cullen confirmed. "He's made no efforts to escape, but he's under regular guard."

"Both Empress Celene and Grand Duke Gaspard will want to see him given proper execution for his crimes." Josephine said. "As soon as we receive word as to where they want him sent, the Inquisition will send him." She had a distant look in her eyes for a moment, then shook her head, mouthing something quietly. "He has shown repentance, but -"

"But nothing. You don't get to walk off killing kids," Amy snapped. Josephine slowly nodded in agreement.

"Given that you were correct about Blackwall... as unbelievable as it is that Lyrium is alive, if you say it is, then you are likely correct," Leliana concluded, turning the topic to where it had been. "And I believe it would be best if we continued any discussions in the war room," no one else was actually in the Chantry that Amy could see, but they were standing near the double-door entrance to the building, so...

Cullen shook his head, "You're right. And there is much that needs to be discussed. I - I don't even know where to begin trying to grapple with what you've told us."

"Something of a common experience with Amy. Did you know people and trees are made of the same basic stuff?" Katerina noted. Everyone stared at her, and Katerina shrugged. "Except elves, and... part of elfroot, all life is, right? That's what you've said."

"Pretty much. Lyrium is -" Amy shook her head. "Lyrium is its own thing too, but - yeah."

"I would be very interested in hearing more about all that, at a later time," Josephine offered. "But we do have much to discuss."

"Right." Amy inhaled slowly.

"You are dismissed for the moment," Cassandra told Katerina, who stared at the older woman for a moment, as if debating arguing the point with her, then she nodded, grabbing the bucket. "I'll empty this out for you Amy."

"Thanks."

"You owe me," Katerina said with mock seriousness, and Amy let out a long breath, closing her eyes.

"I need water," Amy said after a moment. "Still water in the war room?"

"There always is. Every day at least one of us is in there for hours, going over reports," Cullen confirmed. Amy nodded, and the five of them went to the war room."

---

"...and so at least for now, King Alistair is content to allow the rebel mages remain in Ferelden so long as they keep to Inquisition camps or are accompanied by Inquisition soldiers," Josephine concluded an hour later, wrapping up a detailed - maybe too detailed - summary about how the mages had settled in and the various fallouts - positive and negative - of the alliance. Chantry opinion was... mixed, especially given the brief subjugation to Tevinter, and the nobility as a whole was less than pleased, but it was, according to Josephine 'manageable'.

"Given that they handed one of the most important castles in all of Ferelden over to a Tevinter Magister, that's more than generous of him," Cullen noted. "I doubt the mages will be welcome in Ferelden even after-" he cut himself off and looked at Amy. "You have committed the Inquisition to the abolition of the Circles. That was not your choice to make."

"It was the fucking choice we all agreed to before I left, at least as an option on the table!" Amy snapped. Cullen might be on their side, but he was still a fucking ass on the mage issue.

Maybe he doesn't deserve me doing something about the withdr-

Amy sagged a little as she started that thought and tried to clamp down on it, expecting a sudden surge of nausea at it, her heat beating faster and -

She knew it was a wrong thought to have, but - she didn't feel her mind start to spin in wheels over it, circling the same thing over and over and she - she didn't -

Why am I not - what's wrong with me? Why am I okay with thinking about refusing to help him with this? He's - he's on our side, and this is -

I'm just tired. Amy realized. She was spent. She didn't have the energy to beat herself up, that was it.

"That was before -" Cullen started, then he cut himself off again and placed his hands on the table, palms down, taking a deep breath, then another. "My apologies. The choice has been made, and arguing about it will get us nowhere, and I am, as I said, grateful for your choice to aid the Templars at Therinfal."

Amy exhaled herself slowly, then nodded. "Yeah. Alright. Fine. Apology accepted. And - you made the case why the Templars were worth helping. You didn't predict Envy, but -" Amy shook her head. "How is Felix settling in? Is he healthy? No sudden remission of the Taint or -"

"As far as we can tell, he is still free of the Taint," Josephine answered. "As we have made his protection part of our ongoing deal with his father, he has been assigned a bodyguard and has chosen to stay here in Haven, for the time being."

"And what about Alexius?"

"He's in a cell, but he has provided us insight into the Venatori, including contacts and names across the south." Leliana answered. "He failed and betrayed Corypheus and the Venatori - it benefits him to see both fall."

"You cannot be taking his word uncritically." Cassandra demanded.

"Hardly. Trust, but verify, as Amy put it, has been the order of the day with Alexius. He was never given detailed insight into Corypheus's other plans, but thanks to the information he has provided, we have been able to identify several Venatori agents in Orlais, and even one in the Imperial Court. And Dorian's provided us with information that has been of use as well. He proved to be quite when we sent him to the Hinterlands with a group of soldiers to root out a small Venatori base

"That's helpful, I guess?" Amy exhaled. "Alexius and Blackw- Ranier," Amy corrected herself, "Are in cells. Anyone else?"

"Not at the moment." Cullen confirmed. "Hopefully the show with Ser Barris and Grand Enchanter Fiona will keep either mages or Templars from creating trouble."

"With any luck, yes. But now that they are both here, we should begin making plans for closing the Breach as soon as possible," Josephine suggested.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Amy sighed. "How long?"

"Impossible to say. A few days at least, to get everything in order just from a logistical standpoint," Josephine suggested.

"And, it will require large amounts of Lyrium, for both the mages and the Templars," Leliana added. "Varric's contacts among the Lyrium smugglers have been of assistance - I am also having them look into the Red Lyrium and how it got to Therinfal."

"It continues to be spreading in places it should not be. Corypheus may be personally corrupting the Lyrium, or having his agents do so, but then it is ending up in the hands of those smugglers who took it to Therinfal." Cassandra noted. "The Templars who survived all claim it came with the shipments of the normal Lyrium, as if it was just the same substance, but a different color."

"Right, and the milk that's got green shit growing inside of it is just the same stuff too." Amy muttered. "Go ahead, drink it, it'll be safe!" Amy rubbed at her forehead. This part wasn't - it wasn't her problem. Much, anyway.

Close the Breach, and figure out a way home. Sure, that might take time, and she'd stick around the Inquisition and heal people as needed and stuff, but she could stop being put at the center of things and - just focus on going home.

"We cannot linger too long before closing the Breach, but we only have one chance. If it fails..." Cullen shook his head.

"Then I'll find a way to fly up there and sew it shut personally, if I have to," Amy said, deliberately echoing Katerina's words from weeks ago. "I can't go home until it's closed, and - I - I still have responsibilities back home. People who need me. But I can't abandon Thedas as long as I'm the only one who can close the Breach."

Amy pulled both hands vertically down her face, doing that thing where she almost pulled down on her lower eyelids for a moment as her hands moved lower, and finally her hands fell down to her side.

Josephine laughed, though it sounded a little forced to Amy's ears, breaking the momentary silence that followed her words. "Well, hopefully it will not come to that. Everything we can determine, every expert we have spoken to, suggests that this should work."

"Mages and Templars working in unison to feed more power into your mark and weaken the Breach." Cullen confirmed, then, "We should test how best to arrange the mages and the Templars in the ruins to allow them to do their part without interfering with the other."

"Good point. I'll bring it up with Ser Barris and Grand Enchanter Fiona to arrange for some practice." Josephine wrote something down on her little clipboard-with-a-candle.

"Okay. That's good." Amy walked away from the table and poured herself another cup of water, taking a deep drink. The taste of bile was gone, at least. "Is there anything else that like - I need to know about right now, or can I -" Amy swallowed. "I need to lay down. I -" she shook her head, biting her lower lip, gut curdling at the way she was being pathetic, but - she had to rest. She'd already had one complete meltdown and -

Cassandra was right. Amy couldn't help anyone if she pushed too hard and a lot was riding on her being able to do everything right.

Not a lot. Everything. The whole goddamn Inquisition and probably the world. Amy had collapsed last time they'd tried to close the Breach. It had hurt. Even with Solas's various wards, she could only imagine that having power channeled into the mark and trying to close the Breach again would be like dipping her hand into molten lead or something. Getting stabbed right through the middle by a sword made of frozen lemon juice or something.

"Nothing that cannot wait until tomorrow, at least in terms of informing you," Josephine said after exchanging a look with Leliana.

"Good." Amy exhaled, then, It's the right thing to - "Can I have a word with Cullen, in private?" She furrowed her brow, then, "No, Cullen and Cassandra. Before I go rest, I mean."

"Of course." Josephine agreed, and she and Leliana left the room after a moment. Amy looked at Cullen. "I think I might be able to help you with your Lyrium withdrawal."

Cassandra furrowed her brow, "You told Amy?"

"Inadvertantly, but it came up while explaining the effects of Lyrium withdrawal" Cullen said. He looked at Amy,

"An addiction is a craving of the mind." Cassandra said. "Would that not require changing Cullen's brain? Something you have been very clear-"

"No - no. I -" Amy shook her head. "There's - there's basically two parts to an addiction. One part is in the brain. That's the big part. It's the mental craving of the feeling the drug gives you, basically. But there is a physical component - well, it's all physical because the brain is physical but I -" Amy rambled and then slapped herself in the cheek, shaking her head violently.

"I'm not one hundred percent sure. I'll want to check when I'm not tired, but - there's the stuff in the brain, and then there's the part of the addiction in the rest of the body. In theory, I might be able to make it so your body isn't dependent on the Lyrium, Cullen." Amy started to pace, one hand running through her hair. "In theory, that could - stop the headaches, and the chills and the shaking? I don't know if it could do anything about the memory issues or some of the other stuff, but it should help."

Cullen rocked back on his heels for a long moment, "This sounds almost too good to be true, but I have seen what your abilities can do enough to believe you... and I do not think you would lie about this, so..." He clenched his jaw and looked squarely at her. "If it does work, could it be replicated for any Templar who wished to stop taking Lyrium?"

"It should be. I - I don't know how long it will take for you or how complicated it will be or anything. I - I'll have to figure out what parts of your body are causing the issues and what I can work with..." at the end of the day, addiction was a brain issue, but the dependency on how the effects on the brain impacted the rest of the body... "It might be easier if I could get a read on a Templar taking Lyrium, so I can see it at work."

"That can likely be arranged," Cassandra noted. "Though the purpose of what you are doing should be kept secret until it is clear what you can do, and what you cannot."

"Don't want to give anyone false hope if I can't do as much as I think," Amy agreed, then mused in a distracted voice as her mind wandered, thoughts racing. "Get a look at their biology while they take the Lyrium, and then like... maybe an hour later, and a few hours after that, as it's all... processed and stuff." She could check and see about the impacts and what it could teach her about Lyrium - and maybe she could get a better look at at least the refined stuff directly?

"All doable. Would there be any risks to Cullen?"

"I don't think so?" Amy said. "I wouldn't - I wouldn't be impacting his brain, and that's where there'd be risks..."

"Even some risk might be worth it, depending," Cullen admitted. "It is getting more difficult every day, Cassandra. I can withstand the cravings, and even the withdrawal, but... it is the wondering. The wondering if this will be the way when it is too much, when I won't be able to continue my duties." He swallowed and looked away. "I stand by my choice, but I wonder if - if I had known the Conclave would fail, let alone the Breach... I would -"

"No, no, don't say that. Lyrium's fucking poisoning the people who take it, that much is obvious from everything you guys have told me." Amy cut him off. "You went cold turkey and stayed that way for months. That's the right thing to do. Addiction to something like Lyrium is - something that can actually fuck your brain and body up is - it's wrong. And you were tricked into it. That's fucking messed up." Amy sagged, and she stumbled a little, feeling the last gasps of energy start to slip away or -

"It appears that you might need to rest sooner, rather than later, Amy."

"It might be best if we all do," Cullen suggested. "There's much work ahead of us. After today, when will we have time to rest again?"

Good fucking question.

---

One of the few things about Thedas that Amy didn't hate - outside of Cassandra, Josephine, Katerina (on a good day), some of the books and maybe Dragons - was that the pressure on her to heal was less, at least here in Haven. There just weren't that many people in the village, even counting all the new arrivals and the steady trickle of pilgrims - the ones who came just because they believed in her 'holiness' or the ones who came for healing, and between alchemists who had access to elfroot and other way too useful healing herbs and mages, a lot of smaller injuries and minor illnesses could be cured, and more severe injuries and illnesses could at least be kept at bay, the symptoms reduced or otherwise lessened, to make it easier for the body to heal on its own, at least depending on the nature of the disease.

Despite the advantages that all the medical herbs in Thedas provided, and magic, Alchemists still didn't actually understand how any of it worked. They knew what worked and what didn't, and had theories why, but the Four Humours were still bullshit, and she'd heard more than one alchemist talk about 'miasamas', which was also bullshit. As far as she could tell, the idea was that bad smells created illness? Which - not at all how that worked.

But, between mages and alchemists - both of which Haven was blessed with more of than a village this size would normally have, thanks to the Inquisition - a lot of things that might have required Amy right now, back home were just... not as urgent. Which made it less of an issue that Amy had been away from Haven for weeks, and when she was here, she just had less that she had to heal.

Really, the only things they needed her for were urgent injuries like the compound fracture she'd healed in that kid, really serious illnesses and genetic conditions or stuff like that that people in Thedas just didn't understand conceptually. And there just weren't a lot of those - in a lot of cases people who had those couldn't even make it to Haven.

Not that Amy only limited herself to healing those people, when she was here, but the lack of pressure was - it made the same amount of work feel less heavy? Like, she just... the fact that she knew that if she really wanted to, she could stop after dealing with the serious cases and it wouldn't be as big of a deal... it made it so much easier to keep going. Amy didn't understand it, and she -

She did feel bad about it, about feeling so much less weighed down when there were tons of people beyond Haven that could use her healing, but...

She still felt better about it all than she had in the Bay, even given that.

Though she had resolved that once the Breach was closed, and if her quest to get home took her out of Haven (which it probably would), then she'd heal people in every town and city she passed through. Start with the poorest areas. Alienages, slums... she couldn't just... stay in one town or even major city forever, of course, but... she could at least do more than she was here.

She... wasn't looking forward to feeling that pressure again, but it was the right thing.

The point was that last night she'd healed everyone at the clinic and in Haven that needed her last night after her rest easily enough, and when she'd gone to the clinic this morning after breakfast, there was only one person who had managed to get hurt in the interim, and it had been minor, just two fractured metacarpal bones from a training injury.

And so, it was earlier than she'd expected that she found herself heading to Solas's little hill at the edge of the village, where the elf was, as he usually was, chilling, staring off into space, leaning on his staff.

Again, he's all about playing the mysterious man of mystery. Amy rolled her eyes. Sure, Solas struck her as a lone wolf type, and by all accounts had spent most of his time to himself, and he was an elven apostate so he didn't have much in common with the others in the village. And Amy had difficulty imagining Solas drinking and gambling the way Iron Bull or Varric or Sera did. The mental image of Solas holding a tankard of beer or ale or whatever and singing some drinking song just... refused to form.

But even given all that, did he really need to just stand at the edge of the village leaning on his staff, staring off into space as if he was doing something profound?

"Is the potion ready?" Amy asked.

"It is," Solas confirmed, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small vial stoppered by a cork, the thick contents a disgusting shade of yellow-brown. Amy grimaced at it, and Solas held it out for her. "It does taste somewhat better than it looks," he assured her.

"Okay..." Amy was still grimacing as she accepted the vial. She believed him, but the word 'somewhat' was probably doing a lot of heavy lifting there. "So how does it work? Or like... what do I do?"

"Drink the potion, preferably while sitting on your bed, lie down and relax. You will fall asleep in a matter of minutes at most. You will then find yourself inside your dreamscape in the Fade, aware and able to consciously guide the space you find yourself in to aim in the direction you seek. But your focus must be strong - if your thoughts are allowed to wander too much, then your dreamscape will reflect those thoughts, rather than whatever was 'kicked loose' that you are trying to understand."

So I need to focus on talking to Shaper, assuming it doesn't just... show up. But Amy also had to make sure she didn't - she didn't want to be surrounded by some of the things she did remember dreaming about. Except maybe one of those dreams of moving to a small town far away from everything and never needing to heal someone again and adopting a cat and doing nothing but drink coffee, read books, pet the cat and maybe find a girlfriend.

That would be a nice dream to be surrounded by. She didn't have that one enough.

"Okay. And then... I just dream? There's nothing special I do to wake up?"

"You should wake up on your own in a few hours, but short of that, the potion does put you in quite a deep sleep," Solas explained. "But not so deep that you cannot be shaken awake, or awoken by a suitably loud noise."

"Should? The alternative being getting lost in the Fade, like you mentioned?"

"Or just sleeping longer than intended," Solas answered. "It is exceedingly unlikely you will find yourself trapped by what the Fade has to offer so easily, but if you do not wake after a few hours time, I will wake you myself, you have my assurances."

"That's good." Amy inhaled. "Okay. Well, then to my cabin we go, I guess," she gestured.

"Indeed." Solas followed her across Haven, giving her a sort of mental exercise she could try during the Fade to help control her dreamscape and make it stay as she wanted it to, focused on what it was she was trying to learn. He spoke quietly, pitching his voice so only she could hear - they attracted stares and people stopped as they passed to watch, and Amy was approached by a few people asking about when the Breach would be closed. Amy told them all 'soon', that the Templars and Mages needed to be organized properly, but soon. They all seemed to accept that, rather than demand she do it now or something, which was good.

Whenever someone approached, Solas went silent until they moved on. After longer than she liked, they ended up at her cabin, where Katerina wasn't standing guard, but instead it was Aylward again. He seemed to be a common sight guarding her cabin in Haven when Katerina wasn't on duty. Presumably that meant he was one of the ones most trusted to do the job or something, like Katerina was.

"I need some privacy while Solas helps me with something," Amy told Aylward. "If someone needs me, they can knock and say what they need through the door." And then Solas could wake her up and it could be handled. "But it had better be important if they're bothering me in the next few hours." Amy added, putting her hand on the door handle, pushing it open, looking over her shoulder at Aylward. "Got it?"

"I - Yes, Herald, I understand." Aylward said with a nod, and Amy exhaled aggressively.

"I know I told you to call me Amy." She didn't wait for a response from the man and went inside, Solas right behind her. Amy took off her robes and then grabbed a metal stick and pushed a mostly unburned log more into the fire.

"It is a futile effort to run away from your title," Solas advised. "Especially when you exercise the authority it grants you, whether to refuse to force the mages back into subjugation or to demand privacy."

Amy set the metal stick back next to the fireplace and dropped her head into her hands, pulling them down her face. "There's a reason I hate it when people ask me what to do or expect me to make decisions for the Inquisition." Well, several. "But even if people listen to me because they think I speak for a god I don't believe in, I'm not going to claim to speak for the Maker. I can't control what other people do or think."

It wasn't abusing some fake Herald-ness to ask for some fucking privacy. And as for the stuff with the Mages... that was just the right thing to do. Someone had to make sure no one tried to put them back into Circles, and if she could contribute... she had to.

"Admirable, perhaps, but it does not change that most Andrastians will continue to believe that you were sent by him. Had you arrived in a similar circumstance in a time before Andraste, then you would have been seen as sent by the Old Gods of Tevinter, or perhaps the gods worshipped by other human peoples - the Avarr are the last remnant of such non-Tevinter pantheons, but all humanity worshipped great pantheons of gods before the rise of the Maker-cult. Either way - Tevinter, Avarr or some other culture, you would have been seen as touched or marked by the divine."

"Again. I can't control what stupid shit people think, just how I respond to it, and I refuse to be called Herald." Amy pointed out. "There are idiots back home who think I'm divine or... something." New Wave's PR agency had mentioned to Sarah (who had told her, so she knew to worry about running into one of them) there were legit Panacea Cultists, though not many, and they were at least seemingly pretty harmless, mostly framing her as like, some kind of saint-figure sent by God or whatever. Amy was glad she'd never actually met one.

What was it Katerina said - once people got to know me, it's harder to see me as a prophet? So there probably weren't any Panacea-worshippers in the Bay, at least, thank fuck.

"Fortunately, most people back home know Parahumans and worship don't mix well." After a few cults and the like, and stuff like Ziz, people had soured on the idea of Parahumans being connected to the Divine, outside of groups like Haven, anyway.

"Then perhaps the people of your world are wiser than most people in Thedas," Solas mused, which made Amy scoff. People were stupid everywhere. "Or perhaps it is just that you are one parahuman among many in your world, and all you do is heal. Here, however, you arrived in what many were seeing as the direst hour Thedas had faced since the First Blight, and you arrived with the means to close the Breach. Something no one else had."

"The only reason I can do that is because I somehow interrupted Corypheus's ritual and then forgot I did it." Amy had tried and tried again to remember the space between Bakuda's bomb going off and waking up in that cell, but she hadn't been able to. It - what the fuck had happened to make her forget? Trauma? Memory deletion magic? Something like what Cole did, but... more? It was worse because she had no idea how to even start to fix it, or how worried she should be and there was just so much else to deal with she couldn't begin to panic about that too. "Which raises more questions than answers anyway." She looked down at her hand, turning it over in front of her, the faintly glowing green lines all over her palm and the back of her hand, going up to just past her wrist.

"That is true, but consider: to an Andrastian, the very fact you arrived in such a way, at such a time to interrupt Corypheus's ritual and then survived the magical backlash looks to be a sign of the Maker's touch on you, his hand in your presence. You were exactly what was needed at exactly the right moment, and since then, you have used your blessed ability to heal to expel the Taint from a young man, saving the rebel mages from a Tevinter Magister, and now it is known that you faced down a demon that threatened to enslave the Templars. You have done what the Conclave set out to do, succeeding where they were destroyed, and forged a peace between the warring sides." Solas ticked the points off as he stood there.

"Anyone who wants to believe in it can see the Hand of the Maker in your presence in Thedas. It is obvious, to them." Solas concluded. "His people needed help and there you were.

Amy snorted, "So, what, the Maker looked at this world, saw the Breach was coming, saw the war between the Mages and Templars and what Corypheus was up to and knew that his followers would need help, and he sent me?" She gestured to herself, scoffing at the stupidity of the idea. She was the handpicked savior by an all powerful god? Anyone who believed that was a credulous idiot. "What, was I the best he could get on such short notice?!"

Solas shrugged - it was a very small, easy to miss motion. "You would be better served asking someone who believes in the Maker as to what reasoning they would use. I remain unconvinced as to his existence, but I have seen enough history in the Fade to know how people tend to think, and while I admire your desire to remain Amy Dallon in the face of the titles foisted on you, be it Herald or Panacea, your efforts will be ultimately futile."

"Well, hopefully it won't matter for much longer, with the Herald thing, anyway." Amy said, crossing her fingers. "Close the Breach, find a way home, and then... I'm done with the Herald nonsense." She hated that Solas was probably right about it being futile. That was why she'd hated being stuck with Panacea in the first place. She hadn't even wanted a cape name or a cape costume in the first place. If she had to do healing - and she had to, once she had the ability - people could just call her Amy Dallon.

But no. She had to be Panacea. She had to wear the stupid robes.

And yet I keep wearing them, because I prefer being Panacea to being 'Herald'. Panacea she could understand. It was familiar.

Amy took a deep breath, moved the chair from the little table by the window to sit next to the bed, in case Solas wanted to sit while he watched and then she sat on the bed, looking at the vial. She took another breath, exhaling it long and slow.

It's a good thing this will put me to sleep quickly. She popped the cork and brought the vial to her lips, tilting it and her head back and then - the yellow-brown contents slid into her mouth, the texture akin to gravy, rather than something someone would normally drink...

It was, as promised, somewhat better tasting than it looked - but it was still sour, bitter and tart, and while not disgusting...

It was good there wasn't a lot of it. The vial empty, she handed it to Solas, to had held out a hand, and laid back on the bed, closing her eyes.

I want to talk to Shaper. I want to dream one of my nicer dreams. The ones where I just... get to be happy. She repeated those two thoughts in her head over and over and over again. She heard Solas sit and then -

Sleep claimed her.

---

Amy opened her eyes in an unfamiliar living room - it was pretty simple, hardwood floors, some nice but not fancy rugs on the floor, a TV, a sofa, two arm chairs, a bunch of shelves with books and movies. One of the armchairs had a book and a coffee mug on a little side table next to it. Pretty familiar. A place where she could just sit and read and be free of the rest of the world.

But what was not familiar was what was curled up next to the armchair.

A dragonling.

It was smaller than the ones she'd seen on the Storm Coast, but it was a fucking Dragonling, despite being cat-sized. She'd never dreamed of a pet Dragonling before, and why the fuck would she now? That had to be Shaper, right?

But it is really cute... Amy wanted to believe that some of her interest in Dragons was her own, rather than Shaper, but where exactly did it end and she begin when it came to those things? How much ability to influence her brain did Shaper really have? Could she even figure it out?

Would Shaper even be honest?

Amy was jolted out of her thoughts by the sound of her own voice coming behind her.

"...Yes, Vicky, my wife will be there." Amy turned, feeling her brain completely shut down and restart at the mention of the word 'wife'.

I mean, I did sometimes dream of being able to be in love with someone else and find them and just... be happy with them and -

The Dream-Amy that walked right through her as if she wasn't there was dressed in a nice, but understated floral blouse and a pair of jeans that clung way too tight to Dream-Amy's legs and her rear for Amy to ever wear something like that.

Great. Dream me actually looks good in clothes that are supposed to be flattering. Vicky had tried to get Amy to wear tighter jeans like those, but Amy knew she couldn't pull them off in real life...

The Dream version of her looked to be... late twenties? She was definitely older, and her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. The phone still in her hand as she crouched down and started to pet the little Dragonling, which let out this adorable little chirp-like sound as Dream-Amy's fingers scratched along the top of its head lightly, and then under its chin. It responded to the touches like a cat, leaning into them, stretching a little, tail twitching.

Goddamnit, that really is cute...

"Yes, Vicky," Dream-Amy said in a fondly exasperated tone Amy had heard from her own lips all the time. "I'm getting enough sleep and - Vicky!" The tone of dismay and shock coming from Dream-Amy only seemed half-affected and Amy wondered what the Dream-Vicky was saying on the other end of the phone. "No, not having this conversation." A pause, "Because. Yes. Because." Pause. "Because you know why I'm not having this conversation with my sister!" Another pause, then Dream Amy smiled. "Exactly." Pause, "Alright. Talk to you later, and see you at your place next week. I'll tell my wife you said hello."

"I keep saying 'my wife' instead of her name because I'm still amazed I get to call her that." Dream-Amy said, "Yes, even six months since the wedding."

Amy pinched the bridge of her nose, covering her eyes and trying to ignore the way she was blinking back tears, the feeling of something thick in her throat. "This is nice, but I'm trying to talk to Shaper. So where are you?" Amy closed her eyes and focused on Shaper. Shaper. Shaper. Shaper. Shaper. She heard what she could only describe as a rippling sound all around her, and she found herself in a familiar dream - the endless hospital corridor, lined with hospital beds with patients, stretching on forever in either direction and Amy's breath caught.

But unlike when she'd had this nightmare before, the walls and ceiling of the hallway around where she stood were covered in outcroppings of blood red crystals, again all sharp angles and hard edges.

"There you are, you little bitch," Amy glared at the closest crystal formation, which grew (and the others shrank) until it was about a foot away from her face.

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy inhaled, feeling her heart beating in her chest, feeling it in her throat. Finally, she could talk to, yell at her shitty power, and vent years worth of rage at it. She'd spent hours and hours imagining how this would go and then -

And now that she was staring at Shaper again, it was all gone, her mind absolutely fucking blank. She still had all the feelings of frustration and anger and confusion. All the things she wanted to know, but she couldn't - she couldn't form them into a question.

The most she could do is what came out of her mouth now:

"What the fuck?!" Amy threw her hands up into the air. "Just - what the fuck?!" She laughed hysterically at the stupidity of the question, and Shaper's response made it clear how dumb it was.

[INCOMPREHENSION]

God you're a fucking idiot, of course that's a question it can't answer! Even still, she barely held back from kicking the crystal again and she scrambled for something -

"What are you? You're some kind of brain parasite, but - are you a fucking alien? I mean, agent theory is true, are the super conspiracy nuts even more right? Are powers from aliens? What are you? What do you want!?"

[ACCESS DENIED]

"Access Denied? By What? By who? If you don't want to tell me, just fucking say so? Do you have a fucking boss? What is this your fucking job? Do alien brain parasites have wages? What do you get paid in? Dead puppies, ruined lives? What the hell does 'Access Denied' mean? Who is denying me access?!"

[ACCESS DENIED] Shaper repeated, and Amy screamed, hands tugging at her hair.

"So, access to who is denying me access is also denied?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"God, I fucking hate you so much," Amy balled and unballed her hands into fists. She could guess Shaper's response, and sure enough...

[RECIPROCATION]

"Okay. Fine. You hate me back. Why? I hate you because you ruined my life and gave me a power I never asked for that can do all kinds of horrible things and then you keep trying to prompt me to do horrible things with it! Make monsters out of HR Geiger's nightmare, make tailored bioweapons, fuck people's bodies up just because I can! Why do you hate me? Because I'm sane and don't want to hurt people or make gross amalgamations of eyes, loose flesh and seventeen limbs?"

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy blinked. "Wait, really? The fuck? Why the fuck do you want me to make bioweapons? Do you want to kill people? What the fuck? Is that why powers exist? Just to kill humans? Some kind of-"

[NEGATION]

"So killing isn't the point, just a side effect?!"

[AFFIRMATION]

"Great! Just thrilled to know that you consider people's lives secondary to whatever the fuck you're after! So what the fuck do you want?" She was playing twenty questions with a goddamn alien brain parasite rock that had a vocabulary of what, a hundred words?

What the fuck is going on!? How is this something that is happening?

[DATA]

"Data? You want data?" Amy covered her face with her hands again, pressing on her eyelids for a moment as she tried to slow her thoughts down and try to work through the things running through her mind at a million miles an hour.

If this really is some sort of alien brain parasite it's probably not speaking English at me. It's in my head, so it's probably like... sending signals to my brain directly, right? Impressions and ideas, rather than specific words.

"How does making weird and horrifying monsters and super-kudzu and double-extra nerve gas qualify as 'Data'? What sort of data do you want?"

[LIFE. CHANGE.]

"Data from life and changing life?" That - that was what Shaper did. It detected everything about a living organism and she could change anything about it...

There had to be a reason why whatever impression it was sending was coming across as the word 'Data', right? Data meant information, but there was like... a science connotation to it, right? It was 'Data' not 'Information' not 'Knowledge'. Data.

"You're - what, a fucking scientist trying to learn about life on Earth and see what happens when you poke it the right way? Is that what all powers are doing?" Well, no, it - that doesn't - that couldn't be it. Vicky's power couldn't want data on life and changing life. Did they all even want Data, or was it just Shaper?"

'Access Denied' really implies someone in charge, right? So probably all powers want Data, because...

But it's not data about life. Or not just -

"It's an experiment? You're running experiments about how people use their powers and what happens when they use them?!" Amy started raising her voice, pacing as she did so. "We're your fucking lab rats! You deal out powers and just... see what the fuck happens with them, don't you?"

There was a long silent moment, and Amy started at the crystal in front of her, and Shaper said nothing and Amy stared and Shaper was silent, and then:

[AFFIRMATION]

"Where the fuck do you get off on using us as labrats? How many lives have powers ruined? How many people have triggered? How many people have been killed or hurt or traumatized or fucking mind raped by powers!? You just - you guys created Ash Beast! Heartbreaker! The Slaughterhouse 9! Kaisar! Lung! What the Fuck is wrong with you?! Why the absolute motherfucking goddamn hell are you psychopaths doing this!?"

Amy felt like she was on the verge of bursting a blood vessel.

[ACCESS DENIED]

"It's like talking to a brick wall." Amy paused, "A brick wall that hates me and wants to make Nilbog look like a lame-ass loser by comparison, but a brick wall."

[NEGATION]

"Negation about what? The brick wall, or making Nilbog look like a lame-lass loser?" If she had to have some kind of alien brain parasite in her head giving her powers she never asked for, could it at least talk in a way that was more fucking normal?

[FIRST]

"First? The first one? So you're not a brick wall? Then give me something I can work with! Powers have probably killed or ruined the lives of - fuck, millions of people, even ignoring the Endbringers and-" Amy pushed the Endbringers aside. She doubted Shaper would have answers for that, or at least - would give them and Amy -

"Why? Why are you doing this for Data? Answer the fucking question with something other than 'Acess Denied!'"

[NEGATION]

"Oh fuck you! Fucking -" Amy pulled at her hair again and as she pulled her hands away, she had actual hair in her hands, not like, huge chunks, but threads of her hair and she hadn't noticed them being pulled out and -

"Dream logic. Fucking dream logic right?" Amy wanted to reach out and shake Shaper like you shook a disobedient vending machine, or grabbed someone being stupid by the shoulders.

Asking Shaper about why it wanted to run an experiment was not going to work. Whatever the 'Data' about using powers was, she would -

She would have to give up on that one, for now.

She inhaled slowly, or tried to - and failed - and then she tried again. It only worked on the third time, and her exhalation was shaky and staggered and she -

"How do I get rid of you? Is there a way I can just... stop having you in my head?" She couldn't get rid of it while she was in Thedas, not with Taint and stuff and people needing her help when they didn't have real medicine and people back home needed Panacea but -

But having a way to lose her power if the temptation to - to do something to Vicky got too strong...

That would be -

That could be good, right? And if Shaper hated her-

[CESSATION EXISTENCE]

Amy blinked.

"So I'm stuck with you until I'm dead?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"That's just great. I just love being stuck with you."

[AGREEMENT]

Amy blinked again. Did Shaper understand sarcasm? It was in her head, so maybe it grasped she was being insincere and -

"...you're as stuck with me as I am with you?"

[AFFIRMATION] [UNFORTUNATE]

"And you hate me because I'm not generating the kind of 'make horrifying things that kill people or are weird, twisted abominations before God and Nature right out of the nightmares of horror movie monsters' Data you want?"

[APPROXIMATION]

"So you're stuck with someone you hate who doesn't give you what you want?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"Good." Amy crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned away. "Now you fucking now how I feel." It was bad enough she had to have a power like this, had to have a power at all but - again, if not for that stupid fucking Manton Limit, she could have changed her own brain, made it so she wasn't in love with her own sister like a gross incestous freak. She could even make herself actually look pretty and like -

Amy wasn't vain. She wasn't. But she didn't like being the plain, boring member of New Wave. she didn't want to be some kind of super model, god fuck no, but -

It would be nice to be something other than a boring, mousey, plain girl who didn't even begin to look like she fit in with her family, all of whom were like -

Vicky got her looks from somewhere after all. Even if she was like, a million times more than the sum of her parts because of course she was but -

But instead, Amy couldn't affect herself.

If she had to have this power, why couldn't she use it to make herself not so goddamn gross and fucked up in the head? Maybe she could have made herself enjoy healing.

Except that Shaper doesn't enjoy healing. How much of that is -

Amy hadn't had a chance to ask that, but the last thing she wanted to do was continue this fucking game of twenty questions with her power.

[INCOMPREHENSION]

"Don't give a fuck," Amy didn't turn to look at the Crystal. "Be confused for all I care."

You're being an idiot Amy. You won't have a chance to do this again in at least five weeks. Maybe ever, if you go back home before then, which, please, please please please that would be ideal...

What did Amy even want though?

She - she had some sort of answer as to what Shaper wanted. And why it wanted her to do horrible shit. And clearly, powers didn't care about the casualties for their experiment.

I can't get rid of Shaper. Not really surprised. Not that I know if I believe it, but - what else do I have?

Shaper didn't like how Amy didn't use her power much. Good. Shaper was clearly a piece of shit. An evil alien brain parasite.

But you are stuck with it.

Suddenly the crystals in her peripheral vision shifted, some growing, some shrinking, and then another one formed on the ground in front of her, growing to eye-level.

[QUERY: TAINT]

Amy blinked.

"What?" She dropped her arms by her side, dumbstruck by the sudden shift in topic, by -

[QUERY: TAINT]

"Okay, you said that, but what do you mean? It's the fucking Taint. It's Evil."

[AGREEMENT]

"WHAT?!" Amy rubbed at her temples. "You hate the Taint. Okay That - that makes sense. Yeah. The Taint is fucking disgusting."

[DESTROY TAINT]

"Sounds like a plan. Do you have any ideas?" Shaper hated the Taint. That really wasn't surprised. She'd guessed as much already. Amy couldn't believe she'd like the Taint anyway, fuck no, but there was - was the sheer totality of the disgust she felt her own? Or was some of it from Shaper.

Right. I wanted - I need to know how much influence it has on how I think? It can't control me, obviously, or I'd be doing horrible stuff, but - but is it - it gives ideas, but does it control how I feel about things, or am I just picking up on -

Do I like Dragons because of Shaper or -

Do I hate healing because of Shaper?

Can Shaper make me feel certain things, or does it just... magnify?

Amy had a hundred reasons why she hated healing - the repetitiveness of it, the boringness, the endless parade of human misery, the fact that she knew there was never going to be an end to it. The constant attempts by people to thank her for something that was basically the bare minimum right thing to do. The fact that she would occasionally be faced with someone with a brain issue in addition to whatever else she was doing that she couldn't save. The constant awareness she could do more to people with her power.

Maybe she could blame that last one on Shaper, but - it's not like she didn't know what she could do with her power anyway. And she was - she wasn't a good person, so of course she'd constantly think of the bad things she could do with her power, or even the - the neutral things. Changing people in ways that might even have been beneficial but -

Unintended consequences. They were a thing.

[NEGATION]

"How helpful," Amy muttered. She inhaled, "You can't control me, obvious."

[UNFORTUNATE AFFIRMATION]

"Oh fuck you," Amy looked around the hallway. She couldn't punch Shaper either, but maybe she could find something heavy in this dream hospital to hit it with...

Are there any fire extinguishers like I used at the bank and -

As she thought of the bank and of slamming the fire extinguisher against Skitter's skull, the hospital hall rippled around them, and she was in the fucking bank - or at least some dream-memory of it and red crystals were all around and she saw herself slamming the fire extinguisher against Skitter's skull and then -

"I never hit her in the stomach with it!" Amy protested, though it was an appealing idea. She couldn't bring herself to feel bad about liking it either, or feel bad about letting out a fucking cheer when she saw herself hitting Tattletale in her smug little face with the extinguisher, probably knocking out a few teeth.

"I could watch this all day..." Amy murmured, grinning. She was starting to see Solas's point about getting lost in what the Fade could offer because... yeah. The other her just started whaling in on Tattletale, and Amy found herself wishing she had popcorn or - something.

[IRRELEVANT. PRIORITY: TAINT]

"No, Priority not Taint," Amy turned around to see a massive crystal formation now, taller than her, and she looked up a bit to see the top of it, craning her neck, then went back to normal level. "I don't have any ideas on how to destroy the Taint. You can't affect it at all. Unless you've been holding out."

Amy didn't think so though.

[NEGATION]

"So yeah. I have a -"

[DATA]

Part of the crystal quickly grew towards her hand and touched it before she could stop it and then she -

By the time I was done with Felix, I had pretty much doubled how long his white blood cells could last against the Taint. It was as if she was touching Felix again, sensing the way his white blood cells had been changed, and -

And then the impression/touch memory/whatever Shaper was giving her changed, to when she was touching Fiona, and the way she couldn't identify what it was that made her immune to the Taint but she'd had some ideas on how she might be able to clone Fiona's Memory B Cell equivalents and -

So I guess I could - I mean, I could try to do something about Taint and get better at fighting it and maybe -

Amy shook her head.

"You just want me to use my power more!"

[AFFIRMATION] Then there was a moment. [DESTROY TAINT]

Amy swallowed, because it was such a tempting idea. And - would it even be wrong? She'd already changed something, when she improved Felix's white blood cells re: the taint. And - and -

But this was what Shaper wanted and Shaper was evil and -

Why was she even considering it? Why had she considered anything she 'could' do that -

"Are you making me consider it!? Are you - are you - are you planting thoughts in my head?!" Amy demanded, wrenching her hand away from the Shaper-growth, stepping back, swallowing, feeling her heart beating in her chest and -

[NEGATION]

Should I even believe it? If she couldn't, why was she even asking Shaper anything? Could Shaper even lie? Would it bother? She -

Vicky would know what the fuck to do with all this.

Amy licked her lips. She wasn't her sister. But she wasn't - she wasn't an idiot. And -

And her sister would press on and try to get information and -

She had to know. Or have some kind of answer.

"Can you influence how I feel about things? I - I mean, the Taint is Evil with a capital E but - would I have been so fucking violent in my reactions if you didn't also hate it? And - and when I got super into Iron Bull's biology or - the way I bit Varric's head off when he was gonna kill that Dragonling and - and - are you behind me feeling like that? Did you make me be fascinated by the Dragonling? Are you the reason I keep thinking about Dragons?"

[NEGATION] [AFFIRMATION] [COMPLEXITY]

"What?" Amy felt like a broken record but - she -

"So... yes, no, and it's complicated? Why can't you just talk like a normal... anything!" She tangled her hands in her hair and let out a half-repressed scream of frustration as she bit her lower lip and -

[RECIPROCATION]

That pulled her short, and she stepped back again, blinking repeatedly.

"Wait, so you have difficulty understanding what I'm saying too?"

[APPROXIMATION]

"That - I - oh fuck you," There was no heat in it that time, more just a breathless addition as Amy processed that and realized...

Yeah. No, that made sense and - of course the alien brain parasite that couldn't communicate in many words would have difficulty with the way Amy talked and - it wasn't like the damn thing spoke English, right? It was trying to translate her thoughts too and -

"Gah!" Amy turned back around to look at herself hitting Skitter in the head with the fire extinguisher again, because apparently this much more violent (but fun) version of that day at the bank was on a loop in her head. She took several breaths. Time for more twenty questions.

She turned back around. Vicky might get angry. No. She would get angry. But she'd stay on topic. Even when she went too far on thugs and hurt them too much, she kept her eye on the ball. Like when she'd interrogated the one she threw the dumpster at.

"Can you make me feel something out of like... whole cloth?" That was -

Amy could imagine reasons why she'd find Dragons interesting on her own. They were interesting. She'd never touched anything quite like them, and - and part of the reason she'd found that dragonling so interesting was because of how it had connected to the weird frankenstein biology of Iron Bull and how she'd tried to make sense of that. You didn't need Shaper to explain that, right?

Same idea with hating the Taint, or hating healing and -

[NEGATION]

Amy closed her eyes, exhaling, feeling her shoulders sag.

All this assumed Shaper was telling the truth, still a big assumption but -

If I think it, it's my thought. If I feel it, it's my feeling.

That -

That was -

So yeah... I can't blame Shaper for being an incestous freak. Or for thinking about ways I could fuck with the biology of a criminal when I have to heal them.

But it also meant that she hated the Taint and liked dragons all on her own.

"But you also said 'yes' and 'it's complicated. And you hate the Taint and love Dragons too."

[AFFIRMATION]

"So what does that mean? You can't make me feel something out of nothing, but you said yes to the idea that you could make me feel things.

[IMPRESSION]

"Impression? What does that-!?" Amy cut herself off. Screeching at Shaper wouldn't help her. It never did. She put both hands over the bridge of her nose, thumbs under her chin.

Let's just assume Shaper is telling the truth for a moment. It can't make me feel things out of nowhere or nothing. But it can make me feel things. It said... impression. As in, -

The word impression was a stumbling block for her as she tried to make sense of it, and she paced, then:

"Are you like - can you give me an impression of a feeling? Like, you can't make me feel something, but you can - you're in my brain. That can't not have an impact on how I think. You're my goddamn corona pollentia and corona gemma, right?"

[APPROXIMATION]

"I hate it when you say that. But those are in the brain, and you can't be physically in my brain without having some impact on it, so - do I pick up your feelings sometimes?"

[AFFIRMATION] [APPROXIMATION] [AFFIRMATION]

Amy blinked at the phrasing.

"So... like, really close, but not exact?"

[AFFIRMATION]

At least it's not 'approximation' again...

"Lovely. Can you fucking stop it?"

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy blinked. That was -

That felt too easy. Shaper hated her, right? Why would Shaper stop doing something just because she asked.

"Will you?"

[NEGATION]

Amy groaned, balling hands into fists by her side, head thrown back as she repeatedly made noises of frustration.

"I'm stuck with you. You're stuck with me. I hate you. You hate me." We're a miserable fam-ily. Amy pushed down on the playground 'Anti-Barney' song reference that immediately rose to mind as she said that. "We have to live with each other. I'm not making monstrosities or weird hybrid monsters or fucking bioweapons or anything like that. I'd rather die. And if I die, there's no one to touch Dragons for you."

There was a silence, and Amy crossed her arms in front of her, glaring at the blood red crystal in front of her. Why were they blood read, anyway? And all sharp angles and stuff? Coronas weren't made from crystals, or blood red...

[QUERY. PROPOSAL: EXCHANGE]

Amy thought about that one.

"You're offering a deal?" Amy blinked. "No. You're asking me to offer a deal?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"Okay..." What did Amy want, short of Shaper not being in her head at all? Shaper not giving her its feelings would be nice. Maybe it could stop suggesting horrible creations. What could she offer it? To get rid of the Taint when she could? That - she'd try to do that anyway?

To maybe try and experiment more to like... get better at combating it? If I get the chance anyway? That would mean experimenting with her power. Exactly the shit Shaper wanted. But-

Shaper wants Dragons. I want Dragons. But I don't have any, and going to try and touch a fully grown Dragon is still a really bad idea... you know, what with the risk of being charbroiled and all.

"Okay. You stop pushing your feelings on me, you don't give me ideas on how to make bioweapons or horrifying monstrosities and I - I promise to do more work on altering blood cells to fight the Taint and stuff? I - I'll try to ask Fiona if I can take a sample of her blood and... and store it in something alive that will preserve it or... something?

Will she even agree? Can't blood mages do bad stuff with other people's blood? Like, specifically? And -

Amy remembered reading a passing mention in the Tale of the Champion about Templars tracking mages with vials of their blood. So would Fiona even agree?

I can ask.

"And - I mean - if we run into Dragonlings again, I'll - we can touch one and learn more and I - If I can touch a Dragon without dying, I promise I'll try?"

[NEGATION]

Before Amy could do more than let out an angry half-scream, Shaper said more:

[PROPOSAL: MODIFICATION.] [ELFROOT]

"Elfroot?" Amy's eyes were wide as she tried to grasp what it meant. It wanted to modify the deal Amy was proposing, that much Amy could follow. But what about elfroot? There was -

"The idea of the not-actually stem cell mass. You want me to try to make that." That had to be it, right? Shaper wanted experimentation. But - that wasn't a horrible weird hybrid monstrosity, or some sort of gross monster or - or a terrifying bioweapon or -"You'd be okay with that instead of all the evil stuff you want me to make?"

[NEGATION]

[DATA]

[UNFORTUNATE] [SUFFICIENT]

Amy furrowed her brow and -

"So... it's not really what you want, but it's better than nothing?"

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy frowned. She hated the idea of giving Shaper any experimentation. Doing it to fight the Taint was one thing. It was - the Taint was fucking evil. And the changes she'd made to white blood cells to fight it couldn't really go wrong because of how specialized they were, and the Taint would still kill just about whatever she made to fight it. She didn't think she could make anything immune to the Taint.

There was too much magical Fade bullshit in there for that.

The not-stem-cells stuff, making some sort of paste or something that could be slapped onto major injuries as a sort of triage, or on minor injuries

There would be a lot of tricks to it. Could she make it? Could she ensure it was safe? Could she ensure that it was able to... stay alive and functioning without her? Could she make it grow on it's own? That could -

If she could do that, without a risk of it growing out of control and -

If I could do that, it could fucking revolutionize healing. Here on Thedas, you'd need less health potions, and if I could make it back home...

Hospitals could have it on hand for a lot of stuff. Especially for triage after major disasters or cape fights. She could legitimately have less work to do.

All of that was a lot of 'ifs'. There was no guarantee she could make it work and make it safe and -

And she hated that she was thinking of it. That she was seriously contemplating it. She didn't want to make stuff. She didn't want to experiment.

But she could save lives, right? And - and it might get Shaper off her back and - and...

Part of her wanted to see if it could work.

There was a time when she'd approached her power with wonder. She'd never wanted to make stuff with it, but -

But she hadn't always hated her power. Not entirely.

She'd recaptured enjoying reading. She wanted to read books now. She could. She could enjoy them and -

Would it - would it be so bad to -

It would. It would be so bad. Right?

But -

But it could save lives. And - and she could make sure she didn't use it on people until she was sure it was safe and test it and -

And -

It would make Shaper get off her back, at least a little, right?

I'm a selfish piece of shit... Even as she had that thought though, Amy - Amy wasn't sure she could agree? She - she knew that was a familiar pattern to fall down. It wasn't even - it wasn't completely wrong. Amy was selfish. Because if she wasn't, she would have warned Victoria about why her sister should stay away from her and -

But -

But this wasn't -

"I'll experiment with elfroot and see if I can make that not-stem-cell stuff work." Amy told Shaper.

This wasn't - this wasn't bad. Or at least... maybe it didn't have to? Was this just her rationalizing? Making excuses?

I can talk to Cassandra before I actually do anything? I'd need some living elfroot to hand to actually like... make sure I was getting it right, right? She wasn't going to be copying what elfroot did exactly, but she'd need that as a baseline to check against...

And she'd have to figure out how to explain Shaper to Cassandra. But she could do that.

Should I talk to Solas about Shaper? He could verify to Cassandra that it wasn't some demon possessing her, since he'd been able to check for any lingering influence from Envy and -

But the idea of telling Solas about Shaper before Cassandra felt... wrong.

What do I tell Cassandra exactly? That my powers are an alien brain parasite that wants to like... make horrible evil flesh monsters and superplagues, and... it also loves Dragons, hates the Taint and hates me?

Cassandra wouldn't do the sword first and ask questions later thing. She trusts me too. More than she should maybe but -

Cassandra would give Amy time to make her case. So Amy could - she just needed to decide her case.

"And the same part I already offered about the Taint and Dragons," Amy added. "Deal?"

[ACCEPTANCE]

Amy inhaled, "This won't make you stop hating me, right?" Because that -

Shaper didn't care about people suffering because of experiments and other powers didn't either, she assumed... Shaper was Evil. Bad.

I feel vindicated even more about never wanting powers in the first place... Amy thought idly, smiling at the thought. Then she frowned at how satisfied she felt at the thought and -

Amy shook her head, shoving all that aside. The point was that if Shaper stopped hating her, Amy -

There was an old joke. Something about someone not wanting to join any club that would have him.

Amy wouldn't want to be not-hated by something like Shaper.

[NEGATION]

"Oh thank god. Then yeah. I guess we have a deal."

---

---

Author's Note: It is very important that I say this, so there's no confusion. Experimentation alone is not enough to satisfy Shaper. Shaper wants abominations against nature. Shaper wants the Wretch. It wants the 'oops, all ears' guy from Ward. It wants much more than just playing around with some not-actually stem-cells to make a way to heal a little better without Amy to hand.

But some experimentation is better than nothing. It still generates some Data. Basically, Shaper will go from like -100 affinity with Amy, to like... -80. It will still hate her, as it just said, but it will hate her less. And that's improvement.

I'm never going to have a Shaper POV because shardspeak is hard enough to get right on the outside, but one of the things going through Shaper's mind is that it's not sure that if Amy died, it would be able to actually stay connected to Thedas enough to find a host there, not yet anyway. It wants Dragon Data. It wants to destroy the Taint. It does indeed want more on Elfroot and to see if there's more interesting stuff on this world worth experimenting with. So it does want Amy alive.

The limits of how Shards talk make it hard for Shaper to convey all of this, of course, which is one reason I'm explaining it here rather than it being explained in text. But that's another factor in what's going through Shaper's mind.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Amy snorted, "So, what, the Maker looked at this world, saw the Breach was coming, saw the war between the Mages and Templars and what Corypheus was up to and knew that his followers would need help, and he sent me?" She gestured to herself, scoffing at the stupidity of the idea. She was the handpicked savior by an all powerful god? Anyone who believed that was a credulous idiot. "What, was I the best he could get on such short notice?!"

Click to shrink...

Words cannot express how pleased I was with myself when I realized I could work the 'best he could get on such short notice' joke into the text of an actual chapter.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: The usual disclaimer of 'I tried to make the science make something resembling real sense but it's also magic and Amy can also just be wrong about the science behind a thing/use the wrong terms/etc'

---

---

She hadn't had much more she could say to Shaper after she'd made her deal. Or at least, not much more she wanted to say to it. She could have yelled at it more, but what would that have accomplished? She could have talked about... something more. The Taint, or Dragons, or her powers, but she really didn't want to.

She was stuck with Shaper. She wasn't friends with the damned parasite. She didn't need to have a social chat with it.

So she'd kind of moved away from Shaper for the rest of her time asleep, or tried to - she saw the crystals regularly. Without the conversation with Shaper to focus on, Amy's dreamscape had drifted repeatedly - and she hadn't loved all of what she'd seen. She'd gone back to the hallway, she'd arrived in the dream she'd had so often as a child, of waking up to Carol holding her axe up over her, ready to bring it down...

She'd even started to have one involving her sister and - well, her twisted, sick, gross crush - but she'd managed to escape it by quite literally by closing her eyes and plugging her ears and going 'lalalala' very loudly because it was the first thought that had come to her mind when she realized which 'dream' (nightmare) she was in now.

It was sort of a greatest/worst hits for her brain, really.

Because she did have some nicer dreamscapes. Petting the little cat-sized Dragonling, for instance. And with a bit of focus, she'd managed - for a few minutes - to place herself in a massive library with a cup of coffee in hand, sitting in a comfy chair.

It was nice to imagine that future too.

Finally though, Solas had woken her up. She was certain he burned to ask her about what it was she wanted to go into the Fade for, but it didn't show on his face, so maybe she was just making assumptions. She didn't tell him much, but she did thank him for the potion and mention messing around with trying to control what she was seeing in her dream, which she thought was interesting, and which Solas said was normal for those taking the potion, though part of the whole 'getting lost in the Fade' risk.

After that, she tried to figure out how she was going to actually do things. Taint wasn't handy, though Fiona was. Dragons were not handy. And live Elfroot wasn't either. They had dried stuff, but nothing that her power worked on. Even though it still healed. Really, given how elfroot worked, for it to heal it should still be alive enough for her power to work on it.

Then again, powers could be arbitrary, so...
She also had Cullen to help.

The next few days were taken up with all that - working out what to do, and dealing with the fact that the entire village was consumed with integrating Templars into the place and plans for closing the Breach. In theory, a date had been picked - a little more than a week from Amy's return to Haven. By then, everything should be in line. The plan was to have large amounts of Lyrium on hand to ensure both mages and Templars had plenty of it, and by then, they would have enough.

The goodwill the Inquisition had earned had translated to money, access, contacts and the ability to get large amount of Lyrium. With the Chantry in chaos still, they weren't exactly buying much, so the Inquisition could step in...

Not entirely legally in all cases, though with the support of some elements of the Chantry, they did have access to the legal stuff too.

Amy didn't love that they were dealing with Lyrium smugglers, since they were basically drug smugglers and the Carta did that and they'd sponsored those bandits in the Hinterlands -

But it wasn't her call and they needed Lyrium and closing the Breach came first.

It always did.

The first thing Amy did once she formulated her plan was ask if it was possible to have a living elfroot plant actually brought up this far. She was told there actually were elfroot that grew wild in the area - not many, and not the best kind - the leaves were smaller, and they grew shorter - but they'd been harvested as much as they could be without killing them a while ago.

So Amy went out and found one - Katerina and another couple of guards as she was led by one of Leliana's people into the woods not far from Haven to some patches of it.

One of the Haven villagers was paid to dig up a few elfroots to put in pots, and they were brought back to her cabin. Amy didn't share why she wanted it, beyond telling Josephine and Leliana that she was curious about how they worked (which was true).

She hadn't told Cassandra about Shaper yet, but that wasn't just because she was putting things off to avoid a difficult discussion. Cassandra had her hands full corralling the situation - with Blackwall in prison, Cassandra had taken over some of his duties drilling recruits, and then there were the Templars and mages and overseeing preparations. People were arriving and some wanted to speak with Cassandra and she couldn't avoid all the discussions...

What little time she did get to spend with Cassandra was staff training, running around Haven, or a few quiet minutes in the evenings here and there. None of which suited mentioning 'hey, so I have an alien brain parasite that gives me my power'

Amy felt like a piece of shit for hiding it, even though she wasn't hiding it but -

As for Fiona... Amy had a much harder time feeling like she could just go up to her and ask to take a chunk out of the woman. So she busied herself with using some live plant matter from one of the trees to fashion a container to hold the samples of Fiona's blood and keep it alive so she could keep using it. It was basically a miniature life form that would circulate the blood and needed a little water and a dead bug put on it every now and then to be kept alive.

It was sterile, immobile and couldn't consume anything - water or bug alike - on its own, but when Amy had realized she'd created something brand new and alive she'd hated it.

She'd also loved it. There'd been a thrill in realizing what she'd done and it was innovative, the way she'd made sure it looked more less like a little ball of wood on the outside but the inside was all -

But it's -

It was breaking her rules. It was creating something new. Not healing.

Deal with Shaper or not, that was -

That wasn't okay.

It wasn't.

It was wrong. It was bad. She had to do it to keep Shaper happy and she was doing everything she could to make it safe and she was still terrified something would go arong, which was why she kept it on her at all times, so if something did go wrong she could change it and fix it and kill it if she needed to and -

But I don't actually feel as bad about making it as I should. She felt bad. But she felt worse about the fact that she didn't feel as bad as she should.

The Taint was bad. She was using it as an excuse. Shaper was using it as an excuse...

Cullen - Cullen was going better.

Drafting a Templar to let her look at their biology while they took Lyrium and a few times over the course of the day after was easy enough - she talked to Ser Barris about what she wanted and hadn't even gotten to the why before he'd volunteered. So with that information at hand, she'd watched how the body processed the Lyrium.

It was... interesting. She could see how the processed Lyrium - which wasn't as complicated or complex as the stuff the Taint had bonded to in the Red Lyrium - shifted to match the biology of the Templar as it spread through the body. The little microbacteria somehow fucking rewrote it's own biology to run on the same proteins as the human body - adenine, guanine, etc - instead of the twenty or thirty proteins, most of which she had no names for and could barely understand how they worked -

Amy hated that part. She hated that she had no idea how the microbacteria rewrote it's own DNA and that she could only say 'magic' had to be part of the answer.

BUT... it had helped her with making sense of what she was going to do with Cullen.

"Okay," Amy said, as she stood next to Cullen in his tent. Katerina was standing out front, and Cullen's tent was small - and as much dominated by a desk covered in paperwork as it was by his small uncomfortable-looking cot. "I want to try something simple, because I - I'm worried I'm going to do something wrong. Lyrium is... magical bullshit I'm still working on understanding. So - last chance before I start doing it this time okay: Are you sure you're okay with me doing this?"

"Anything you can do to make the withdrawal less unpleasant is welcome, Amy," Cullen said, sounding genuinely, deeply grateful.

"I have what I think is a firm idea of why Lyrium has all these effects on people." Amy explained. "It's weird, because - it's been a long since you had Lyrium last, so the physical symptoms of withdrawal... just shouldn't be happening. At all. But they are. The mental cravings won't ever go away, that's as much your memory of how you felt when you took Lyrium and wanting that feeling again as anything I can correct," Amy explained.

But Lyrium, somewhat predictably, broke the rules. She had a theory as to why, too.

"There's a lot going on, too. Drugs can mess with the way your body does things, and do permanent damage, but the stuff the Lyrium did is... weird." It had messed up both the production of various hormones and neurotransmitters and stuff, and messed up some of the receptors for all of them. So even what was getting made wasn't always getting through right. "One of the things it did..." Amy searched for the right way to phrase it quickly, "It basically made your body forget how it used to work before you started Lyrium."

"Forgot how it used to work?" Cullen furrowed her brow. "How exactly does that - how exactly did Lyrium do that? What does it mean?"

"For the how, I'd have to have someone who never took Lyrium start using it and monitor them maybe over the course of months." Amy said. "Or more, maybe. Not sure. But - uh... okay, the body produces various - messages that have information or instructions for one part of the body from another. On when to start doing things, or how to do things or - I'm simplifying, but basically that's a lot of what's happening in your body. Those messages have to be received by... things that can decode the messages, I guess?" She'd been about to say mailboxes, but did they even have mailboxes in Thedas?

"Take off your glove," she gestured, stepping closer to him. Cullen complied and Amy took his hand. "Basically, Lyrium has screwed up how your body makes the messages and the decoder-things."

"And that's what you're going to fix?"

"Not yet. Some are in your brain and I'm not doing anything to those, and as for the rest, I can work on correcting those, but there's something simpler I want to try first." Amy took Cullen's hand and started 'searching' his body for all the Lyrium scattered around his bloodstream and settled into his organs and stuff. Fortunately none of it was actively inside of his brain.

Lyrium on the surface looked like any normal single-celled bacteria. And it was... sort of. Amy still didn't know what it ate or how it propagated itself or how it reproduced - she hadn't seen any mitosis - or wait, bacteria didn't do mitosis they did something similar, right? - and she was pretty sure it didn't technically meet the definition of bacteria... or fungi or plant or animal or really any other classification back home.

Magical Fade Bullshit, in other words.

But what Amy could do was have her power interact with it, get a read on it... and destroy it.

"Which is?"

"Purge all the Lyrium that's still in your body," Amy explained. "There shouldn't be any left, not after this long. I'm not sure how it's still here, but it is." and she was pretty sure it was, at a minimum, causing some or all of the physiological cravings/withdrawal. She was pretty sure that Lyrium was some sort of colony organism and it 'wanted' (in the way a plant 'wanted' water) more of itself around it.

Caffeine had a half-life of a few hours. Ten, on the outside for most people. Cocaine, for a really heavy user, could last two weeks, according to this addiction specialist who had decided to give Amy an unprompted lesson when she'd been at Brockton General one November night last year. The byproducts of it breaking down could last longer, but...

Lyrium wasn't just some chemical compound. It was a living thing. A single celled organism that... it wasn't quite a parasite, probably, but... close? So it didn't break down. She was pretty sure when a Templar used their abilities, some of it would be consumed, and it was probably the same as if a mage drank a Lyrium potion (which apparently had a very small amount of the stuff) and then used it to cast more magic.

"I don't - how can I have Lyrium in my body? I can't use any of the abilities I used before I stopped taking Lyrium." Cullen blinked, and Amy started directing Cullen's body to start killing the Lyrium. The fact that the bacteria made itself use the standard DNA proteins once inside a human meant that it was easy to break it apart and repurpose it safely into anything else. And each little microbe was ... well, just that. It wasn't complicated. It didn't resist.

"You don't have even one percent of what Barris has, so it's probably just not enough." Amy explained. "Lyrium is alive. It's living inside your bloodstream."

"I have things inside me alive-?!"

"You had plenty to start with. Everyone's stomach has a whole assortment of bacteria to help with food digestion," Amy waved her free hand dismissively. "It's the fact that Lyrium shouldn't be there that's the problem. Don't think about it."

"...easier said than done," Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose with his other hand.

"Try being able to tell when the last time someone bathed any time I touch them," Amy shook her head idly, as she said that.

Cullen said nothing for a long moment, then exhaled slowly, "Are you going to make me vomit the Lyrium out the way you had Felix vomit out the Taint?" Cullen asked, swallowing, sounding genuinely worried, and she could pick up what seemed to read as concern or worry from his biology. She wasn't great at picking up how people felt unless she knew their biology and emotions well.

"Thought about it," Amy admitted. She really wanted to get a look at Lyrium and even if this stuff wasn't the raw, unprocessed stuff, or even just the processed but unchanged stuff that had all hundred 'letters' in its DNA. But she was also pretty sure Shaper would love to get its 'hands' on Lyrium too, and at the moment, that was one more reason to not touch Lyrium.

Fuck you, you crystalline little bitch. We didn't include Lyrium in the deal.

"But it's not necessary. I can affect the Lyrium microbes directly with my power." She started killing a few more microbes. "I'm just killing it, the way I would any other bacterial infection." It wasn't exactly the same because again, Lyrium wasn't exactly a bacteria, but the difference was only really noticeable to Amy because of her power.

How would Lyrium handle antibiotics? Probably just fine, but... Or what about certain kinds of radiation? Anything that could hurt the Lyrium while it's inside a person would probably be too deadly though.

Was there a way she could make something someone could drink, or inject, that would just... kill Lyrium inside a person? Safely, or at least, without lasting harm (if it induced nausea for a day or two or whatever, that was hardly the end of the world...)?

Amy had no idea. Probably not...without a lot more time and study and of course, it was a terrible idea. She had agreed to try to make the elfroot-inspired stuff to get Shaper off her back and it was as far as she could tell more or less harmless and she'd be careful before using it on humans but -

This wasn't that. And it was just - she couldn't -

But if I could make something that could be replicated... then even after I left, Templars that wanted to leave could take it. If I give the formula or the sample or whatever to the Inquisition...

Amy pushed the thought away. It was tempting.

Too temping.

Besides, she had something else she needed to focus on. She had Lyrium to kill.

"...what exactly will killing the Lyrium in my body do? You said it would just be the start?"

"Yeah. In a perfect world, killing the Lyrium would solve everything - no cravings, all the damage starts to undo itself immediately, no more withdrawal symptoms." Amy explained absently.

Cullen scoffed, "And in reality?"

"Small chance of it doing nothing at all. Also a small chance of it making it worse," Amy said, not really thinking as she said what came to mind, searching for more Lyrium and setting to killing it. The microbes being so spread out made the task of killing them more time consuming than a more localized infection would have been.

At least there's none in his brain.

"But the most likely scenario is that it will reduce the headaches and fatigue. And there's a decent chance it will also reduce the cravings." Amy looked up at him, and repeated herself, emphasizing the word. "Reduce. This won't solve everything. Nothing I do is likely to do that, given everything that shit did to your brain."

"As I said, any improvement is welcome. So... thank you," Cullen said after a moment. "You did not-"

"Yes. I did." Amy cut him off. "If withdrawal really could kill you - and it sure looks like it really does - then I do have to help, especially since I'm the only one who might be able to. Besides, the Inquisition needs you at your best," Amy added, sighing. "Finally, if I get it right with you, I can do this on any Templar that wants to leave the Order and stop taking Lyrium - or stay I guess, if they stop, but they probably can't do both, once the Breach is closed."

No trying it before the Breach.

The Breach came first.

She couldn't disband the Templars. The ship had sailed, the Inquisition had made a choice, and - and while Amy had been at least kind of convinced of the merits of Cassandra's arguments, the fact that it wasn't her choice, and the Inquisition going back on its position would be terrible for it were more important factors.

But, at least while she was here... she could maybe thin their numbers a little. It would be good on multiple levels, since it was just good to help these people not die of an addiction they didn't really choose.

Dying because you were stupid enough to choose to get hooked on say, cigarettes, was a choice and one someone kind of deserved. Amy wouldn't refuse to heal them if they were dying in front of her, but -

In a triage situation, she'd definitely put them on the bottom of the list.

Dying because... someone strapped you down and injected nicotine into your body to make you addicted to cigarettes was not deserved.

Lyrium addiction wasn't quite that extreme, but the Templars hadn't been aware of what they were signing up for when they took it.

"At least until you return home," Cullen said, and Amy nodded, switching to another patch of Lyrium microbes. She was almost done.

"Yeah, well..." Amy shrugged, licking her lips, "Thedas isn't my home." It wasn't that she didn't feel bad about everyone she couldn't help once she left, but feeling bad about the never ending list of people she couldn't help even in Brockton Bay alone had been a fact of her life so... that wasn't new. And even if she stayed, she'd never be able to fix everything on the continent of Thedas alone, let alone the rest of the world.

And... she wasn't sure if she was just rationalising, but - the people of Earth-Bet needed her more. Thedas had mages who could heal and elfroot and a lot of other useful herbs for medicine and potions and stuff. They could do amazing stuff with alchemy.

Earth-Bet had modern medicine, which was better in a lot of systemic ways (especially treating disease) but for the more esoteric cape-induced shit, there was Amy, there was Othala and a smattering of other Capes who had powers that could be healing-ish in one form or another.

Thedas had illnesses that mages and potions couldn't always heal (though throw enough magic at the problem like Anders could, and others who were known as 'Spirit Healers' according to Solas and you could heal anything) and there was a problem of access, but they didn't have anything like the insanity that someone like Bakuda or Crawler could inflict, or some of the other powers bullshit capes could inflict on people that Vicky had told Amy about.

Mages threw fire and lightning and ice and blunt force trauma. Demons had claws or punched you or 'sapped your energy' (which was the whole wraiths-making-your-cells-older-for-a-second-thing) or burnt you or froze you. Of them all, what wraiths did was the closest to esoteric, but the practical effect on the body, after healing after wraith-induced injuries enough times, was not actually that out there.

The only thing that Thedas definitively couldn't handle and that she could was the Taint, and like-

She couldn't cure the Taint. She couldn't kill it all. And while she held out hope her look at Fiona's biology might give her something, at the end of the day... she didn't think she had much chance of creating some replicable immunization.

If she thought she could do that... Amy would at least think about staying in Thedas longer, but -

She didn't think she could.

And she wanted to go home.

She could make all the excuses, outline all the reasons, but she missed her home, her sister, Carol, Mark, her Aunt, Uncle and cousins. She missed riding the bus to the hospital at midnight, eating at Fugly bobs and missed going to class at Arcadia (and she was going to pay much more attention the next time medieval Europe came up in class once she got back, for sure)

"And your family isn't here," Cullen added, and Amy nodded slowly. Cullen paused for a moment, and as Amy killed the last Lyrium microbes, "It was difficult, being away from my family when I first joined the Order, and I volunteered knowing I'd be away from home. At the time, I think I was mostly considering how being away from home meant that my older sister wouldn't get to beat me at chess almost all the time." He chuckled as he said that, a fondness that made it clear he wasn't still annoyed at losing all the time. But Amy could imagine

Should I be surprised that chess is a thing here? Amy shrugged and put that aside. They spoke English in Thedas and it was the damn Dwarven trade language. Alternate Earths were insane, obviously.

"I don't write any of my siblings as much as I should, and I haven't seen any of them since the Blight but - I do write them sometimes. You do not even have that option, Amy." Cullen shook his head. "I cannot fault you for wanting to be with your family again."

Amy bit her lip, inhaled, then nodded. "Thanks." She didn't need Cullen's approval - she still didn't even really like him - but it was always nice to be not hated by someone who wasn't evil (like Empire 88 or Shaper)

"On the other hand, it could take a while to figure out how to get me home. Nobody has any idea where to start." She would get home. She would. "So in the meantime, at least until I need to leave Haven, I can help other would-be ex-Templars." Amy pulled her hand away from Cullen as she finished with the last microbe.

"And there we go. No more Lyrium in your body. I'll check back with you tomorrow. If you feel worse than before at any point before then, let me know." Amy pointed at Cullen's face, glaring. "I mean it. If that tiny chance of killing the Lyrium making things worse is true, then I need to know immediately."

Cullen nodded, "I understand." He pulled a hand down his face, exhaling slowly. "Thank you, Amy. Truly. As I said, any relief from the cravings or the effects of my withdrawal are very welcome."

---

As it turned out, Cullen did not get worse. In fact he got better. As she'd expected, the headaches and fatigue were not gone, but after several days, both did seem to be less severe. The same seemed to be true for the cravings, but Cullen admitted it was harder to say - he always wanted Lyrium, but how much he wanted it seemed to also be impacted by how distracted he was, or what work he had to do. Throwing himself into his work - as he had to now, with all the Templars in Haven or in the Inquisitions various camps and other bases, and all the work preparing to close the Breach - often helped him ignore his cravings to a point, for a while.

Amy tried to find a moment to talk to Fiona about getting a blood sample, but her efforts proved to be consistently stymied by Fiona having too much to do. Amy probably could have insisted, but -

She'd have time after the Breach was closed. So she focused on learning more about the Taint, when she had a free moment. She had all those notes from Alexius, and she touched base with Felix - he was recovering nicely - and talked to anyone who knew anything about the Taint (not many people and not much). But one of the things she did get from the rebel mages, after she spent enough time asking anyone who wasn't busy about the Taint, was a copy of a book detailing various magical efforts to fail to cure the Taint. Which was useful information.

The mage who gave it to her was an apprentice who had rescued a number of rare books from his Circle before fleeing along with the other rebels, and he gave it to her without much hesitation.

Amy also did more work on the elfroot. She had made a few small sample batches of the stem-cell... goop, killing and fully sterilizing all of them when she was done, but she seemed to be on the right track on recreating their ability to heal anything that worked on normal DNA.

She wasn't sure she could make something that would be able to work on both elves and humans at the same time, like elfroot could.

Even though she had very little to do with the preparations for closing the Breach, Amy was running herself a little ragged with her side projects. But she managed to force herself to take a little time to herself. She read a little every morning, and for a chunk of time in bed before blowing out the lamp, and she managed to have dinner with Cassandra a few nights, where they would talk about small things - mostly romance novels (Amy had more Portia Plume books to read now that they were back in Haven) or little, nonserious stories about their lives. Nothing heavy.

Amy shared some of the rare times something unusual or interesting happened while healing, or details about some cape-fight or cape-induced absurdity back home. Cassandra shared some of her stories of her brother Anthony or stories from her training to be a Seeker. Most of them weren't very funny, but they were interesting.

Okay, the one where she broke a would-be suitor's arm was funny. Cassandra insisted it was an accident - mostly - but it was still hilarious.

Amy also ran into Cole a few more times - from what he'd told her, it sounded like he was having a field day trying to help the mages and Templars with all their problems and baggage.

And while Katerina wasn't Amy's constant shadow while she was in Haven, Katerina was with her for at least some of every day, and they usually ended up having lunch together and talking more about stories from Earth-Bet and Thedas. Again, Amy wanted to keep things to lighter topics during her limited downtime.

Amy did finally get around to telling Katerina about the Princess Bride, and to her surprise, Amy proved to be able to quote significantly more of the movie than she'd thought she would. To Amy's complete lack of surprise, Katerina was more invested in Inigo's story than the Buttercup and Wesley romance, though she appreciated the battle of wits scene with Vizzini.

Finally, things came to a head. The Lyrium had arrived, and the final plans for closing the Breach were drawn up.

"What if it doesn't work, Cassandra?" Amy could barely focus on the food in front of her, even though french fries were on her plate - Josephine had apparently ensured they were prepared for her specifically tonight, trying to give her something nice the night before she closed the Breach. Which Amy appreciated, but she didn't have an appetite.

"Then we find something else and we try again," Cassandra said firmly. "If it fails, it won't be because of you. It will be-"
"But what if it is!" Amy interrupted, hating how her voice came off almost whining, or wailing. "I - what if I collapse again, midway through. What if I'd just held out longer when we tried the first time, maybe that would have-"

"You did close the altered rift at the center of the explosion, Amy," Cassandra said firmly, reaching out and grabbing Amy's hand. "That came before you collapsed."

"But I was at my limits so maybe it - and - I mean, if it doesn't work, what will it look like? We've staked everything on this! I somehow managed to talk the mages and the Templars into this on the 'we're going to close the Breach if we all work together' and if it doesn't work, if I fail -" Amy stood up midway through her rant and started pacing as she kept going. "If I fail, then - then what if the mages blame the Templars? Or the Templars blame the mages? If they both look at me like I'm the goddamn savior. The only reason there is to keep hoping when the end of the world could be in sight!" The pressures of being Panacea paled compared to the implicit pressure of being Herald, even if Amy managed to avoid most of those...
But with the closure of the Breach coming tomorrow...

"I don't believe in the Maker, Cassandra, and I wasn't sent by him and almost everyone out there still thinks I'm his Herald or Andraste's Herald or - something and I'm not! I'm just me, and if they finally realize that, they're going to be pissed!"

"Closing the Breach may be the most important task set before you, Amy, but is not the only reason many look to you for hope in these times." Cassandra said, raising her voice a little, standing up. Cassandra wasn't yelling, but she was talking loudly, sincerity written across her face as she stopped trying to be calm and restrained. Cassandra walked around the table, facing Amy.

"Not only do you have your ability to heal, which you have used to save the lives and limbs of many of those who have fought for righteous causes, you have saved the lives of the children of people who live in Haven, in nearby villages. At the Crossroads. You did all of that, of your own goodwill, with no expectation of anything. You cured a man of the Taint, Amy. The Taint. And you snatched the rebel mages from the jaws of the enemy and convinced a Tevinger Magister to surrender himself to the Inquisition's justice-"

"I didn't convince him to do that!" Amy protested, heart pounding in her throat, words coming fast, hands in her hair as she kept pacing.. "And I healed because -"

"Because it was the right thing to do, yes!" Cassandra finished the sentence for her. "So you have said many times. But Amy - how many people don't do the right thing, regardless of how much they know what it is? Especially if it would be as taxing to them as healing so much is to you?! You do it anyway. And the people out there," she gestured to the door of Amy's cabin, "They know that. They know you give of yourself without hesitation only because it's the right thing. And they know you went to Therinfal Redoubt and returned with the Templars, that you exposed a demon masquerading as the Lord Seeker, and faced that demon in your mind-"
"With help!" Amy countered.

"And how many know of Cole, Amy?! The people out there see you as a source of hope in these dark times for more than just the promise that you can close the Breach - which you can." Cassandra stepped closer and put her hand on Amy's shoulder. She wasn't wearing gloves, and Amy reached up her own hand, grabbing onto Cassandra's hand on her shoulder.

Amy took a breath, failing to make it deep, as Cassandra's biology filled her senses. "You are capable of doing this Amy. You know it. You made the choice for us to act, to go to Redcliffe, to go to Therinfal. Had you not, it's possible we'd have been too late to both. If Corypheus had the Templars or the mages, or both... then we could be doomed. But you chose to act, and you chose to fight, in both cases."

Amy closed her eyes, letting her thoughts get distracted by 'seeing' Cassandra's various scars. Cassandra didn't want them healed, and Amy had accepted that, but it gave her mind something else to look at while she forced herself - successfully - to take another deep breath.

"People look to you for hope because of what you have already done, Amy, not just for what they believe you will do." Cassandra concluded, voice softer. "Is there a chance this might fail? I do not want to believe it, but it exists. But if it does, we will try again."

"I suppose neither of us know when to quit," Amy managed to say, blinking back a sudden wetness in her eyes.

Cassandra laughed quietly. "That is true. I have called you stubborn more than once. But that is something Byron," her mentor in the Seekers, "said of me more than once. Varric has said it in harsher terms," she smirked, "many have. Some with respect, many with frustration."

"Two grumpy stubborn idiots who just want to do the right thing and damn the consequences," Amy murmured, smiling. "I guess that's -" Amy swallowed, "That's why we get along so well."

"Perhaps," Cassandra accepted. "And we both have doubts, second-guesses. My doubts are not the same as yours, but you have them, much as I do." She squeezed Amy's shoulder. "Tomorrow, we will make the trip to the Temple of Sacred Ashes again - without demons to fight along the way. We will go with the soldiers of the Inquisition, with Templars and Mages and if it is possible for all we have done to allow you to close the Breach, you will."

Cassandra let go of Amy's shoulder, Amy letting go of Cassandra's hand. "You have set the task before yourself. You will close the Breach, or die trying" Amy shouldn't have smiled as Cassandra said that, but she did, just a little, feeling a warm tightness in her chest. It was an increasingly familiar feeling for Amy now... Cassandra's trust and concern for her, her support... it was probably the second most amazing feeling in the world, right after Vicky hugging her.

"You are not allowed to die trying, by the way," Cassandra added, voice suddenly stern.

"I don't plan on it," Amy said. "I don't want to die. But you're not allowed to die either, Cassandra. If - if there's another super-charged pride demon again.... You don't get to die either."

"Acceptable terms," Csssandra agreed, then moved back to sit down in front of her plate. She gestured to Amy's plate on the bedside table. "Eat, Amy. You need your strength for tomorrow."

Amy nodded slowly, and exhaled. God, it was insane how Cassandra could go from being supportive to scolding like that, and amazing that Amy just... accepted it. Cassandra's scoldings never felt like Carol's. She never felt numb afterward. She felt... Cassandra scolded because she cared.

It felt different, Amy could barely describe it.

Amy sat down and picked up her plate.

She did need all the energy tomorrow. That stupid hike up to the Temple would be exhausting however they did it.

---

Somehow, some way, it was something resembling a reasonable temperature today, in the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

Amy was standing at ground zero - the place where Corypheus had tried to do whatever ritual he'd been trying. The place where Amy had somehow interrupted the ritual. The place where she'd tried to close the Breach before, and it failed.

As mages and Templars gathered on the sort of 'upper levels' around the pit where Amy stood (not alone, of course - Katerina, Cassandra, Solas and others were there with her), Amy noticed they were arrayed on opposite sides.

"Are we really worried they're going to attack each other? I thought - it sounded like things were... mostly working?" A few Templars had been sentenced to latrine duty and a few mages had been given similarly unpleasant menial tasks to do without magic, for threatening the little truce that was keeping everyone's eye on the prize (closing the Breach), but overall, things had managed to stay...

Not peaceful, but... truce-y? Tense for both sides, and anyone caught in the middle, but -

But they were at least all keeping their eyes on the prize, keeping to the truce...

"They're being arrayed on opposite sides so that when the Templars use their abilities to weaken magic and strengthen reality against the Breach itself it doesn't disrupt the mages efforts to pour more power into your mark," Solas explained, and Amy flushed, because... that kind of should have been obvious.

"Good point," Amy swallowed, closed her eyes and took a breath. All eyes were on her, and she couldn't choke up now. She felt a hand on her shoulder - Katerina - and Amy opened her eyes, looking over said shoulder to nod at Katerina a little. She did appreciate the - the support. Any support, really.

"Amy, I told you once you'd figure out how to close the Breach with a sewing needle if you have to." Katerina said. "But we both know you probably won't need to. You can do this."

"I will do this," Amy said, as much to try and convince herself as anything else. "Or die trying." She added that last part in a mutter. Cassandra had said Amy wasn't allowed to die and Amy didn't want to die. Furthest from it, really.

But she also knew if it came down to her life or closing the Breach, the only correct choice was her life.

"Let's save the dying for another time, Panpan," Varric suggested, pulling Bianca off his back and spreading out the four arms of the crossbow. "Dying right now, when you're about to save the world would completely ruin the story."

"This isn't a story!" Amy snapped. "This is real life. And what are you even doing down here?"

"Everything's a story. Stories are how people make sense of the crazy shit that happens in the world, Amy," Varric countered. "As for why I'm here, you think I'm gonna miss the chance to see the Breach get closed in person?"

"Gotta get all the details right for the book you write about this?" Amy asked, looking up at the Breach, blinking at the light of the Sun - not directly in her eyes, but... Amy looked back down at the ruins around her. Now that she actually had the time and ability to look around at the place rather than be dealing with 'what the fuck I'm not on Earth Bet' and 'why does my hand hurt like that', she -

It was weird. The place had exploded from the inside, and those big stone pillar-y bits at the edges, angled upwards like they were blasted away fit with it. But the rest of it looked more like it had had bombs rained down on top of it from above.

Not that Amy was really a connoisseur of the aftermath of explosions, but it was odd. Probably some magical explanation.

Everyone was standing as far from the Red Lyrium as they could. Amy wondered if fire could kill it. Fire killed Taint, but Lyrium was... rocklike?

Well, no, anything can burn if the fire is hot enough. See the Sun, right? Even metal is a gas there, or something. That sounded vaguely familiar. But how hot would a fire need to be to burn Lyrium? She doubted it would be so easy to just... throw a fireball at it.

Still, maybe they could test it, once the Breach was done. Less Tainted shit in the world was good.

"Templars! Mages! Inquisition!" Cassandra shouted, raising her voice, circling a little to look at all the arrayed people. "On this holy ground, men and women of good conscience came together to work for peace, an end to a war that had raged for years, and cost the lives of many. The acts of Corypheus here, to take the life of Divine Justinia and destroy the Conclave prevented that peace from taking root. But now, in the memory of Justinia, of what she fought for, we are now here, with Templars and Mages working together, to close the Breach, to take the first steps to restoring order!"

That was Amy's cue. She took one last breath and stepped forward, lowering her hood and looking at everyone. Josephine had prepared - not a speech, but some highlights Amy should hit. Nothing word for word, just...

"Some evil bastard who thought he could become a god killed hundreds of people here. He tried to enslave Templars and mages alike, taking advantage of your conflict. As long as you stand together, as long as we all stand together, then Corypheus can't win." Amy wasn't sure it was that simple - a nice thought, but -

"Whatever he wanted to do, he made the Breach. If it's not closed, then one day it could kill everyone in Thedas - you, your friends, your families, and millions upon millions of innocent people. Don't close the Breach for me, because you see me as the Herald of Andraste. Do it because people's lives depend on us getting this done!" Amy swallowed and reached out a hand to where that 'master rift' had been all those months ago, the one that she'd had to open, to close properly.

She couldn't see it, but the mark on her hand had started throbbing like it was still here, the ache obvious and instant, and worse as she reached out. Amy clenched her teeth, and it started to glow, brighter and stronger than ever before - there was all but a ball of green light surrounding her hand as a green crack in the air suddenly took shape before them, the last hints of this thing that might allow them to close the Breach.

At least we don't need to open it and let Demons in this time. But with her Luck, Amy still gave it at least 50-50 odds demons didn't break through the almost closed rift while she was working anyway.

"Templars!" Cullen's voice began, "Focus on the Breach itself. The Veil is thin here, strengthen it! Sap the power of the Breach!" He was raising his sword as he said this, and the Templars all had their own swords out.

On the other side of this lowest level, Solas raised his staff, "Mages! Focus on Amy herself. Let her draw from you to empower the mark!"

"We must all stand together, and act as one. Hold your ground, hold your focus and continue until the Breach is closed!" Cassandra concluded. She looked at Amy and nodded, and Amy took one step closer to the green crack and focused.

Brow furrowed, jaw clenched, she focused on her mark, on closing the Breach, on whatever psychotic, insane power she had in her hand now and -

The beam of green energy that always formed when she interacted with rifts flowed from her hand to the rift, and the pain in Amy's hand spiked. White hot flashes behind her eyes, her arm - it didn't go numb, the opposite, but the pain was so much, so intense that it almost felt like her arm wasn't there at all anymore, her hand on the other hand was all but screaming at her brain that it was experiencing all the pain.

Literally.

All the pain in the entire universe, her hand was feeling it. Amy gasped, one foot sliding back, trying to brace herself, breath caught in her throat, head light -

She staggered, nearly fell, but there were hands on her, holding her and she clenched her jaw so tight she could feel her teeth grinding against one another, she tasted blood from her lower lip -

She wasn't the only one feeling pain. Many of the mages and Templars had dropped to their knees, the Templars digging their swords into the ground, the mages holding their mages flush against it - even with her own pain roaring through her, she could hear the grunts and cries of pain from the mages, the Templars - but none of them were giving up as far as she could see.

If they don't give up, neither do I.

The beam of green energy was growing wider, brighter, longer, and the crack was almost throbbing angrily as if in protest as the energy of the mages and her mark were being flung at it. Amy -

She wanted to cut off her arm. She wanted to die. She wanted the pain to stop. She wanted -

She needed to close the Breach. What she wanted didn't matter.

Suddenly, the green crack seemed to expand, as if opening, and for one terrified half-second, Amy feared they'd have a demon attack but then - the crack seemed to change, the energy flowing from Amy's hand regathering around it in a column of brilliant green light and it shot upwards towards the Breach - and exploded outward, sending people flying backwards - even a bunch of the mages and Templars on the upper levels.

Amy flew through the air - she heard Varric curse, Cassandra yell, Katerina gasp and then Amy crashed into something hard and she tumbled to the ground - it took a moment for her to realize she'd hit Katerina and was now lying on top of her.

There was smoke surrounding them, but no flames, no fire - the smoke - no, more like a thick mist - slowly started to part, and Amy felt Katerina push her off lightly - Amy managed to land on her hands and knees - well, hand and knees. Her left hand was barely responding to her and the idea of putting weight on it made her want to puke.

She saw the silhouettes of people standing and -

Amy was in pain. So much fucking pain, the agonized 'numbness' in her arm fading and Amy nearly screamed at the sudden awareness - molden lead poured right onto her skin, one massive papercup covered in lemon-juice soaked bandaids, a fucking cheese grater against every nerve in her hand and arm -

"Amy! Amy!" Cassandra's voice rang out, and as the mist slowly parted away, the older woman was there, helping her to her feet, looking at her, a look of worry, fear, concern fading quickly and she - Amy thought she was about to go in for a hug but then voices, all around -

"The Breach! It's gone!"

"The sky is healed!"

First the two voices, then more, and Amy looked up at the sky and -

No breach.

No angry green scar across the sky. No massive fucking hole in the fabric of reality.

"You did it!" Cassandra said and Amy nodded slowly.

"I did it," she felt herself saying, hearing awe in her own voice. "The Breach is closed."

And I didn't die trying.

Holy shit.

---

Dance in the rain beforе the fight
The last of the momеnts to honor our life
Dance when the sun is going down
Nothing can take it away
Tonight I'm alive!

Despite the lyrics, which sounded almost melancholy, the song the bard was playing now had - like every other song she'd heard today - a jaunty, upbeat, joyful note.

The entire village of Haven, everyone in it - mages, Templars, locals, visitors, members of the Inquisition - were celebrating as bards played music, people danced and drank and ate-

Amy wasn't drinking. She wasn't dancing. She was sitting at a table in the corner of the tavern - the first part of the celebrations that had broke out practically the moment Amy and everyone else returned to Haven from the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes had included so many fucking people thanking her and even presenting her - not the Inquisition, her - with gifts.

She'd been given stuffj money - gold, silver, a few poorer people trying to give her their copper life savings, but Amy had managed to convince the ones giving copper to her to keep their money. Somehow, convincing the richer assholes - the nobles and the wealthier merchants - not to throw money at her was actually harder.

Amy wasn't sure how much money she'd actually been giving. More silver than gold, but by now, Amy had at least an idea of the value of money in Thedas. A single Orlesian gold coin - Royal - was, for a peasant, like winning a goddamn lottery jackpot.

Amy had at least fifty of them now.

The same amount that assassin had been paid to kill her on that boat to Val Royeaux...

I can just - I can give it to the Inquisition? Or charities? Thedas has soup kitchens. Sounds like they're all run by the Chantry, and I'd rather not give the money to the Chantry itself, but like -

There was every chance she was going to need to travel to find a way home. Staying in Haven wasn't exactly likely to get her anywhere in that respect. Not forever, anyway.

WIth any luck, in a few days, or a few weeks at most, Solas would have a lead and Amy could leave Haven with Cassandra and... find a way home.

And then when I'm home, maybe this stupid mark will go away.

Amy looked at her hand. The Mark hurt less than it ever had before - in that it didn't hurt at all. The pain from closing the Breach had somehow rapidly faded... and then kept facing. The entire time she'd had this godforsaken stupid-ass mark, it had at least ached a little.

But it was still there. She'd hoped closing the Breach would make it go away.

But Earth-Bet had no magic. No Fade. So would it even stick around?

"Panpan, you're glaring at your left hand like you're expecting it to attack you," Varric said, and Amy looked up to see the dwarf sitting down across from her, two mugs in hand. He set one in front of her - she could tell it was ale from the alcohol smell as a bit sloshed over the sides, the mug overfull -

"The mark is still there."

"And if you want to worry about it tomorrow, you can, but tonight - you closed the giant hole in the sky! That calls for celebration, not surly brooding in the corner!"

"And I suppose your definition of celebration involves drinking?" Amy eyes the mug of ale, pushing it back towards him.

"Or dancing, or gambling or something. You saved the damn world, Amy! Sure, Coryphus is still out there and we have no idea how to kill him, but the Breach is closed!" Varric exclaimed. "You're young, you finally got this done and you made it out not only alive, but intact. There's a lot of people in Thedas who wouldn't have managed in your place."

"I don't drink." Amy shook her head. "You were there when I said that to Sera."

"You did, but I think even your mother would forgive you having a drink right now, Amy. And again - you won. You saved the day. That calls for celebration!"

You don't know Carol. Amy bit that back. This didn't feel like a celebration for her. The earlier endless parade of thanks and gifts hadn't either. It had also included a fancy sword of all things, jewelry and the titles to land. Amy had no idea if it was good land or worth anything and she hadn't looked at any of the deeds she had been given, but two nobles had straight up given her land or signed it over to her or something like that.

The legalities were probably not simple, but still!

Going from Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste, to Amy Dallon, Landlord sounds like the kind of fun that isn't.

"Drinking isn't my idea of a celebration."

"Then dance or - something," Varric urged. "How many times are you going to be able to say 'I saved the world!'? Now's your chance."

"I can say that without -" Amy bit back the complaint. "I'm not one for big celebrations and parties and stuff, Varric. I don't even know how to dance."

"You think anyone out there's doing some formal thing? Most of them are just throwing themselves around and having fun." Varric took a sip of his ale and leaned in. "The Breach has been hanging over everyone's heads for months. It's over, we're alive, we all made it through. Now's the time to embrace being alive the way people normally don't from day to day. You're young, Amy. Cherish these kinds of moments. They don't come often enough." He stood up, his own mug in hand and moved to another table - Amy's eyes followed him as he sat down at a table with Iron Bull, Marius, Krem and three other people she didn't recognize, and pretty soon he was dealt into a card game.

Amy inhaled slowly, then exhaled.

This was not her idea of a celebration. Even before her power, it hadn't been. Her birthday parties had always been quiet - no inviting people over, beyond one or two beyond Vicky (usually friends of Vicky she liked enough), no going to places beyond a restaurant and then coming home, usually to watch a horror movie - another reason the parties were small.

This was... dancing and drinking and gambling and people all around.

It was the opposite of a good time for Amy.

Swallowing, she stood up. She really didn't need to stay in this tavern. She weaved her way around a few people, nodding at the ones who praised or thanked her for what she'd done and stepped out into the chilly, but not cold, Haven night.

The streets were full of more people playing instruments, dancing, laughing... there really was an infectious air of 'I can't believe we made it out alive', and despite being overwhelmed by the press of everyone, Amy smiled.

Varric was right - about the fact that she'd pulled it off. She'd closed the Breach and made it out alive. Everyone had. Or -

No one had died to close the Breach, anyway. People had died to get this far, but probably a hell of a lot less than they could have.

Especially if Amy hadn't gone to both Redcliffe and Therinfal.

"I did that." Amy muttered to herself.

None of it had been by herself. And she didn't - she didn't deserve 50 lottery jackpots, a bunch of jewelry that collectively was probably worth more than her house, if she sold it back home, and fucking land titles (could Amy just sign those on to the Inquisition? That seemed like the right solution if she could) but-

She had done it. And all these people were dancing, thriving, laughing, singing, happy because of what she'd done.

"Amy," Amy turned to look at Katerina, who was approaching from a cluster of people dancing - a circle of people seated and standing around them, drinking and watching the dancers while two people played a jaunty tune on a flute and a lute. The redhead looked flushed - she wasn't wearing her armor, just normal clothes. She had some strands of hair stuck to a sweaty forehead, and her chest rose and fell rapidly as she tried to catch her breath.

"Katerina," Amy said. "You okay?"

"What? Why -" Katerina managed to suck in a deep breath. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because you're flushed, sweaty and just had trouble catching your breath."

"I've been dancing for the last Maker knows how long," Katerina protested. "Of course I'm flushed, sweaty and out of breath. Or was, anyway," She inhaled deeply. "I'd invite you to join me, but you wouldn't enjoy it."

"Not even a little bit," Amy agreed. That put Katerina ahead of Varric on that front. She believed Varric meant well, for all that he liked annoying her by calling her Panpan, but why did he think dancing and drinking were even remotely appealing to her?

"I need to get some water. Walk with me?" Katerina gestured back towards the tavern, where great barrels of drinking water were open, wooden mugs by them, as well as casks of ale and wine and probably other kinds of booze.

Amy shrugged. It was better than anything else she had at the moment. She followed Katerina back over there.

"So how does it feel?" Katerina asked as she dunked a mug into the barrel and came out with water - she drank half the contents down in two quick gulps. "Saving the world, I mean."

"I didn't do it all by myself." Amy protested weakly.

"Not even close," Katerina agreed. "Not counting the Templars and mages, which we really can't ignore," she added with a chuckle, "Lady Pentaghast, Solas, Sister Leliana, Lady Montilyet, Commander Cullen... the list goes on, doesn't it?" Katerina asked rhetorically, then, "But none of it would have worked if not for you."

"Because I have this mark." Amy muttered. "...and healing Felix, and surviving Envy..." Amy had just had that conversation with Cassandra yesterday, and it felt... wrong to like... claim credit for those, but -

Katerina probably would have pressed on it, and it was true, technically? And this way she preempted Katerina doing the pressing.

"True. Very true." Katerina agreed.

"You're part of that list too, you know," Amy pointed out. "You've saved my life a couple of times."

Katerina raised an eyebrow. "Just a couple? I feel like it's more than that." She held a serious expression for a moment, as if she was about to start tallying them up, then chuckled again, grinning. Amy rolled her eyes and punched Katerina's arm lightly. Once the redhead's laughter stopped, she got a more thoughtful look on her face, and nodded. "That is true, though." She finished her mug of water, then got herself another, and handed Amy one of her own.

Unlike the ale, she accepted it, holding the mug.

"There's a spot up by the ridgeline." Katerina gestured behind Amy, towards the trees, and Amy turned. "Shouldn't be a lot of people over there. Want to head up there, talk for a bit?" Katerina's question came out of nowhere, and she raised an eyebrow at it. Katerina snorted and rolled her eyes. "It's not like we don't both know you'd rather be away from... all these people after hours of the celebration," Katerina pointed out. Amy nodded slowly. "Besides, there is actually something specific I want to talk to you about."

"...about what?" Amy didn't even try to hide the skepticism in her tone. She - she liked talking to Katerina about books and stories, and even about life in Thedas and Earth-Bet and stuff. She -

She even liked Katerina... kind of. To a point. Ish.

I at least appreciate her company in general.

But Katerina also liked to poke and prod and press and push and - Amy was not in the mood for that. She was actually feeling pretty good, despite the sheer mass of people around, and everyone who'd thanked her and all those gifts she'd gotten.

She didn't want to ruin it with Katerina doing the poking thing.

"I'd rather say when we're further from everyone. No poking, no prodding." Katerina held her hands up in front of her, chest height more or less, palms outward. "It's not even really about you, much." Katerina assured her.

Amy bit her lip, then nodded slowly. "Alright": She followed Katerina through the village, past more throngs of people celebrating, talking, laughing, drinking - telling stories and jokes. As they got a little further from the main center of the action, they saw people ducking between houses, hands held, or with the sort of furtiveness of two teenagers about to sneak into a janitor's closet in a shitty high school romcom...

Or in horror movies where one or both of them was about to get killed, because having sex or even making out could be fatal in the genre.

Amy did a double-take when she saw what she was almost certain was a Templar and a mage, both men, ducking out behind a building. She wasn't sure, not with the quick glimpse she got but -

"Was that-?" Amy started, and Katerina nodded.

"Yeah. Templar and a mage, I think." Katerina's jaw was tight for a moment, then she sighed. "Not sure how I feel about that, but it didn't look like the mage was being forced."

"If anything I think the mage was doing the dragging," Amy suggested as they resumed walking. "You know, I said I wasn't asking for the Templars and mages to kiss and make up, but..." Amy giggled, "I mean, if they want to..." She shrugged and trailed off.

"Maybe that's what you'll go down in history as: Amy Dallon - the woman that married the warring factions. Literally." Katerina suggested

"Better than Herald of Andraste," Amy muttered. They drew close to the ridgeline and climbed up a bit along the hills leading to it, the tree-line above. There was a patch of frozen ground in front of a section of ridge, bare of any remnants of snow, and Katerina sat down, back against the ridge, looking up at the night sky. Amy pulled her robes around herself a little and then sat herself, next to Katerina, setting her mug down off to the side.

"With the Breach closed, the plan is for you to go home then?"

"Soon as we can figure it out, yeah," Amy nodded. "God knows how long that's gonna take. Or what it will take."

"You'll figure it out. Lady Pentaghast will help you, and you mentioned asking Solas for help. And you'll have plenty of rebel mages willing to help too."

"Yeah. I know." Amy nodded. "I will get home."

"I'll miss you, you know." Katerina said, no mirth in her tone. She sounded completely serious.

"...I... you're one of the things about Thedas I'll miss too," Amy said after a moment. "Not when you poke and prod and stuff, but - the rest of our time together. But - I'm not leaving yet."

"No. But I won't be your bodyguard much longer." Katerina said, then exhaled, as if that was something she'd been holding in.

Amy blinked, tensing up and she turned more properly as she sat, facing Katerina now. "You won't?" Why? Cassandra would have mentioned if she was like... yoinking Katerina away for something else, right? And -

She does kind of technically take orders from Cullen? He assigned her latrine duty in the past, didn't he? But did Katerina still take orders from Cullen?

"Are you being promoted or something, for a job well done?"

"No. Or if I am, no one's told me, and -" Katerina cut herself off, shook her head. "You know Corporal Adrienne, of course. And Sergeant Sorin."

"The one you said was a hardliner on being against the abuse of mages?" Amy asked after a long silent moment, brow furrowed as she tried to remember where she'd heard the name before.

"Exactly." Katerina moved her head from side to side for a moment, chewing on her lower lip. "Sorin and Adrienne were part of a group, during the war, trying to punish Templars that went too far. Couldn't always convince their superiors to go along with their findings, but they tried harder and pushed more than I ever did. And succeeded sometimes."

"How did they pull it off?" Amy could respect anyone holding their own accountable like that, especially the Templars, but what did that have to do with Katerina quitting as her bodyguard? (And why did the idea of Katerina quitting feel so... she didn't like it. There was a tiny twinge, in her gut, at the idea. Sure, she liked Katerina and Katerina was probably one of the most tolerable bodyguards she could have ended up with and by now she knew Katerina's foibles decently and Katerina knew hers, which meant having her around all the time was less unpleasant than it would be with someone new and - but still. It shouldn't - she shouldn't feel upset over it, right?)

"Sucking up, knowing the right people, trading favors..." Katerina paused, then, "not being an easily ignorable fifteen year old recruit probably helped a lot."

"But they punished Corporal Adrienne?"

"Because all she had was the word of a fifteen year old recruit. And at the time she didn't have any favors people higher up owed her at the time, or at least not enough." Katerina shrugged. "Anyway, the point is - a lot of the people they tried and failed to go after, or the people stopping punishment of the offenders are dead now, or took Red Lyrium, or both. But there's other Templars that weren't at Therinfal who they want to go after too."

Amy bit her lip, "And you want to go with them?" Katerina didn't let her guilt show most of the time, but she had mentioned it a few times since that first time (when Amy had thrown it all in Katerina's face... god, she'd been a fucking bitch to her then. Not wrong exactly, but she could have been a lot nicer about it.). It was why Katerina was part of the Inquisition in the first place - apart from her hero worship of Cassandra.

"Yeah. They invited me to go with them when they go hunting."

"But you're not a Templar." Amy felt herself tense again, and she reached out to grab Katerina's hand. She hadn't gotten a blow to the head in the last few days, right? "You're not thinking of rejoining now that people like that Conrad guy are dead, right?" Because that's the sort of thing that would make Amy assume possession or mind control or something.

At the very least she was convinced Katerina wasn't replaced by some new Envy demon, since she could read the redhead's biology.

Katerina made a face, disgusted, recoiling a bit, lips open, teeth clenched, eyes wide. "Maker's balls, no! If I ever suggest I am, kill me or at least hit me over the head with something heavy until I see reason."

Amy let go of Katerina's hand and smiled for just a second. "Will do."

"No, they didn't invite me back into the Order. Ser Adrienne knew I wouldn't be interested and told Sorin as much. But she felt like I deserved the offer because one of the people at the top of their list is Ser Jethan."

Amy licked her lips, swallowed, opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again.

"I -"

Jethan wasn't the only Templar who'd done bad stuff, duh. And not even the only one in Cumberland, or the only one there who Katerina had seen do bad stuff.

But Jethan was the one she'd seen first, and she'd tried to report, and it hadn't gone well.

And Katerina's guilt -

If Victoria failed to stop some guy she saw do something horrible and couldn't get him arrested at least, she'd want to go after him too.

"I can see why you'd want to be part of that."

"I want to be the one to take that bastard down, one way or the other." Katerina said firmly. "Helping get the rest is - that will be good too, but I owe Jethan a lot. With interest."

"He was just one abusive bastard." Amy pointed out. "Was he even the worst offender?"

"No. But he's the one that I started with." Katerina shook her head. "It's an excuse, I know, but I keep wondering about... I think - I think if the first Templar I saw abusing the mages and breaking the rules had been punished, maybe then even if the second, or third time I tried to report someone failed, I wouldn't have been so sure it was hopeless. That - that wouldn't have happened. Not how rotten the Order was, but... feelings don't always have to make sense."

"It is an excuse," Amy agreed. "You made a lot of excuses."

"Yeah." Katerina said flatly.

"But maybe you're right?" It made sense. "Your heart has always been in the right place, Katerina," Amy said after a moment. "I - you don't need me to tell you giving up and staying quiet was wrong." Katerina stiffened, but Amy kept going, hurriedly, "I'm not - my point is that what you did was cowardly... but - you weren't a coward. You aren't one now. And the whole time... at the end of the day, you wanted to do the right thing. And you're doing the right thing now. That's even more important."

Amy snorted a moment, "It's like you told me. Do you want to be a good person? Then fucking try. And this... bringing Jethan and people like him to justice is that. So..." Amy licked her lower lip, "I'm going to miss having you as a bodyguard while I'm still in Thedas. Not - not just that you're not all reverent and shit, but - like I said... I'll miss the time we spend together. Just talking and... being around you."

Even as she said that last part, Amy realized it was true. Here she was, just sitting alone with Katerina and she felt... fine. Comfortable. Safe. And she knew, despite everything, that she could actually talk to Katerina about most things, at this point. Somehow.

"I'll miss you too, even while you're still here. But I have to do this, and with the Breach closed... I won't be going until someone I trust to keep you alive and at least won't be too annoying to you gets assigned to replace me but with the Breach closed... Sergeant Sorin, Ser Adrienne, the rest of their group. They're going to prepare to get ready to leave. Now's the time to go, if there ever is."

"That makes sense." Amy swallowed, throat weirdly tight, but then she closed her eyes, took a breath and her throat felt normal again.

"I'll give you a few reading recommendations before I go.. And maybe I'll write, at least until you go home." Katerina offered. Then she brought her hands up into her lap, one smacking her thigh light, "Apart from me and how wonderful I am, what else will you miss about Thedas, anyway, one you're back home?" Katerina grinned as she asked, and Amy rolled her eyes - she reached over and poked the side of Katerina's head very lightly.

"What was that!" Katerina's hand flew up and grabbed Amy's by the wrist, probably as much on instinct as anything else, and then let go.

"Me poking a hole in your ego before it made our head swell up too much," Amy stuck her tongue out at Katerina. She was laughing and smiling a lot more than usual tonight.

I saved the world - or played a huge part of it anyway. I'm going to start working on a way to go home. I can - I can smile and laugh tonight. I - I've earned that much, damnit.

Amy waited a half second to feel bad for the thought but... she didn't. Or if she did, she was in too good of a mood to notice.

"I take back everything I said about missing you," Katerina said, trying - badly - to hold back a laugh. She closed her mouth tightly and a snort escaped her, then another, and then she let herself actually laugh.

Katerina's laughing more than usual too. Though not by as much...

Amy thought back to when she'd grabbed Katerina's hand a few minutes ago....

Yeah. She'd had an ale or two. Katerina wasn't even tipsy, but she was definitely feeling some booze.

She shouldn't be drinking but God knows that's a fight I can't even win with my own family. Carol and Aunt Sarah both had liquor cabinets. Neither of them were lushes - Carol didn't even have wine with dinner on special occasions as much as Aunt Sarah did - but they did have bourbon from time to time, usually late at night, just the two of them.

They'd been having bourbon that night Amy had overheard-

No. Nope. No. No thinking about that. None of that. Amy screwed her eyes shut, clenched and unclenched her fists, and then,

"In answer to your question... I'll miss Cassandra."

"Obviously," "

"Josephine."

"Fair,"

"Some of the books you guys have here are really good. I'll miss not being able to get to read all of Portia Plume's stuff. Some of the books you've told me about." Amy exhaled. "I mean, that's about it for what I'd miss."

Amy paused,

"Well, no. I'd miss Dragons and elfroot."

"Dragons and elfroot?"

"I've ranted to you about how crazy elfroot's biology is. It's - it's insane, and so fucking useful. But insane. The fact that it can do so much, the way it works... I - I'm tempted to try and bring some with me back home, a seed or something, but I'm not even sure it would survive on Earth-Bet. The damn thing was made by magical bullshit. It might need magic to survive."

Not to mention all the other risks of bringing an invasive species of plant back home, but that could be controlled for better by like... keeping it in a lab environment at first, right?

"...I... I guess that makes sense, given what you've told me about your power," Katerina said thoughtfully, though her brow was furrowed as she chewed on her lower lip. "And Dragons?"

"They're just - their biology is really interesting, without being insane. Like... I - I am not going to do this, but I'm pretty sure if I took a dragon with me back to Earth-Bet, they'd do just fine."

Take a dragon back home, and show it to Armsmaster and say 'found your girlfriend'. Amy badly suppressed a giggle at the thought. No one knew if Dragon and Armsmaster were a thing or if at least one of them wanted them to be, but Amy knew it was gossip among the Wards.

Amy figured there was probably no truth to it, but it was an amusing thought.

"And you did nearly bite Varric's head off that one time," Katerina mused. "And you did pester Lady Pentaghast about dragons on the way back from Therinfal..." Katerina.

"I didn't pester her, I - I just asked a lot of questions!" Amy said weakly, knowing it was basically a lie. She had pestered Cassandra. And Cassandra had humored her, but-

"Right," Katerina said skeptically. "Well, look on the bright side. Maybe to get home you'll need to find a High Dragon and ride it all the way home," she teased, nudging Amy's side with her elbow.

"If I thought that would work..." Amy trailed off, snorting.

She leaned back against the ridge behind her, looking at the clear, unblemished night sky. Before, no matter where she'd been on Thedas, she could always see the Breach on the horizon (probably some magical thing, given like... physics and stuff), but now? Now she couldn't. She could see stars and the two moons of Thedas.

When she'd first realized Thedas had two moons, a few days after waking up after the Breach, Amy had gotten very annoyed for about five minutes, then decided she had bigger problems to deal with.

Now she didn't have those bigger problems and... she wasn't annoyed because... well,m what the fuck could she do about it, and why did it matter? Thedas was a fantasy novel come to life, in the worst way possible. Why wouldn't it have two moons?

She sat in companionable silence with Katerina for a few minutes, thinking about home, about returning home...

I miss Carol. But she didn't miss everything that came with her. The disapproval, the looks, the suspicion, the stares...

She wouldn't be able to tell Carol half of what happened in Thedas - the woman would disapprove of so much of what she'd done, what she'd had to do, the compromises she'd made... killing that abomination was still killing someone, and -

And she'd let the Inquisition just run around killing people in fights.

As if she could have forced everyone to take prisoners, but Carol was unlikely to accept that.

Amy swallowed, biting her lip. She looked over at Katerina, who was looking up at the sky as well.

I'm not going to miss not having to heal as much... going back to the Bay meant a return to the monotony. The endless grind of hospital healing... and the fact that no matter how many people she helped, there were more people right there, accessible...

The excuse of 'I can't get to them and I can't exactly just wander out of Haven to wherever' just... didn't exist there. So she'd have to get back to it. To sneaking out at night and...

At least all the fucking leg day and the walking and the training has made it so I can walk to the various bus stops easier... Amy was going to have to take working out more seriously, when she got home. Once she admitted to Vicky that her sister had been right that Amy should have worked out more...

Vicky was never going to let her live that down, or let her go back to only doing the bare minimum.

I can't take elfroot there, but I could still take my ideas on the stem-cell stuff? She had to imagine it would have to go through endless PRT testing before she could use it but...

She'd made the deal with Shaper. And she could use it to help people... if she could perfect it. And then hospitals could keep it on hand for people with injuries that it could work on and especially during mass casualty events...

If she could perfect it. And that could help keep Shaper off her back, a little, even once she was back home and could never talk to the little shit again.

Barring dream Tinker bullshit, if it existed.

Amy let out a frustrated breath. "Damnit," she muttered under her breath.

"What?" Katerina asked, frowning. "I noticed you were - I promised no poking, so I didn't but - now you spoke so -" Katerina's breath caught, then, "No poking, just an offer: Do you want to talk about whatever's bothering you now?"

"No." Amy said automatically, then, "Yes. Maybe. Gah!" she let her shoulders sag and looked down at her hands in her lap. "I miss Carol." She saw Katerina's eyes go wide, her mouth part and Amy sighed. "I do! She's - she's still part of my family, even if she doesn't see it that way. I - it would be easier if I didn't miss her, it's not like I don't know she's never going to love me, never going to see me as a daughter, but I can't help it." Amy swallowed, found the mug of water Katerina had given her earlier and drank down the last of the water in it.

"I miss her. But I don't miss-"

"Her being a shit mother?" Katerina offered and Amy sighed and nodded. She wouldn't have put it like that, but... "And we established she's full of shit." Katerina added, "In the whole not trusting you thing. So what does her opinion matter?"

"Because it does!" Amy snapped. "I can't just not care!" She sighed, one hand on her face. "I wish I could. But I can't. Living with that kind of hostility and suspicion and... I don't want to go back to that."

Katerina reached over and squeezed Amy's shoulder gently. "Well, again, Carol is full of shit. You are a good person, and even if you still don't believe that, you're the girl who saved Thedas, saved the mages, saved the Templars," Katerina somehow managed to not make a face as she said that, "and you're going to keep trying to be a good person every day." Katerina smirked, "Has Carol saved the entire world before?"

"...no," Amy said. What, am I supposed to just go... 'haha I saved a world you didn't therefore I'm immune to your bullshit? That wasn't how anything was supposed to work.

But Katerina was trying to be supportive. Amy appreciated it, despite everything. She was about to say as much when a bell started to ring from the direction of the walls of Haven. Katerina was on her feet in seconds, Amy scrambling to catch up.

"What the hell is -"

"That bell is only supposed to ring if one of the outer watchposts sends a warning of an advancing attack." Katerina said quickly. She pulled a knife from out of her boot, "Fuck, at least half the soldiers in the village don't have any armor or weapons right now!"

"Could it just be someone drunk?" Amy's chest felt tight. Who would be attacking? And now? Had someone been waiting for Amy to close to the Breach so they could invade Haven and...

"If it is, Commander Cullen will have their head, and Lady Pentaghast will turn the rest of their body into a training dummy," Katerina said quickly. "Go to the Chantry, I need to get closer to the gates and -"

"To hell with that. I'm coming with you," Amy snapped. "I need to know who's attacking too!"

Katerina clenched her jaw, then nodded. "No time to argue. Fine." She raced off towards the gates, and Amy tried to keep up with her, but months of leg day or not, Katerina was taller, stronger and faster, and Amy was none of those things.

Somehow, she wasn't completely out of breath by the time she got to the gates, where a bunch of Inquisition soldiers, and some mages and Templars were gathering - not everyone had weapons or armor, though there were a few hastily strapping something on.

"Forces approaching!" Commander Cullen, who Amy guessed hadn't taken off his armor the entire night, shouted. "To arms! You four," Cullen gestured to four soldiers, "Start getting everyone who can't fight to the Chantry. Children and the elderly first!" He gestured to another bunch of soldiers, these ones without armor or weapons, "Set up the barricades on the main roads!"

"Cullen, what's happening?" Cassandra demanded. She was also wearing her armor, though Amy had seen Cassandra without all of it earlier - and Amy noticed Cassandra adjusting a strap to her breastplate, so she'd put it on quickly...

"One watchguard reporting. There's a force approaching, at least a thousand strong, possibly twice that much, coming over the mountain." Cullen said quickly. Amy heard Katerina suppress a curse.

"I'm going to get my sword and my armor. Don't do anything stupid until I get back, Amy," Katerina said, and Amy held back from rolling her eyes. Now wasn't the time. A thousand? Two thousand? Between Templars, rebel mages and Inquisition soldiers and scouts, they had... what, three hundred? Maybe four hundred if everyone who could use a weapon fought. Haven had walls, but they weren't very high or very thick and there was a gate that was made of pretty fragile wood. Could a mage blow it up with a fireball?

There was that second set of walls under construction but those weren't done and it was made of wood and piled dirty anyway and -

Amy didn't know anything about big battles. And she wasn't exactly a master of math.

But she could do the math here. And the answer wasn't good.

"Under what banner? Who is attacking the Inquisition? And now, right after we've closed the Breach?!" Josephine demanded - she and Leliana were now here, both having run to join them. Josephine took a breath.

"They had to have been close already to attack us now." Cullen said. "They had to guess we would let our guard down with the Breach closed."

Shit.

"They're here for me, aren't they?" Amy asked, and the others turned to her. "If they were already in the area, then they were waiting for me to close the Breach so it would be safe to - I mean, I can heal anything. And people think I speak for Andraste or the Maker or at least have their ear or whatever."

If someone thought they could force her to heal as they commanded, make declarations about what the Maker wanted...

"If they're here to try and take you, they will find the hand that tries it cut off," Cassandra said firmly, drawing her sword.

"It's him," Cole's voice out of nowhere from next to Amy - Amy let out a 'gah!' sound and Josephine gasped, and Cullen drew his own sword. Leliana seemed unphased. Cassandra raised her weapon up, then lowered it - a little - as she saw who it was.

"Goddamnit Cole!" Amy muttered, then "This is Cole. I know Cassandra told you about him." Cullen hesitated for a moment, the lowered his own sword - a little. Amy looked at Cullen. "You know who it is?"

"The Elder One."

Oh shit.

"Corypheus! He's here?!" Amy felt her heart clench. The guy was a super wizard from the past, unkillable and a fucking darkspawn. Not a great combination.

The Dark Lord should be like, waiting in his castle and shit, not attacking us now, right?!

"He's very angry you closed the Breach. That you took his mages, and his Templars."

His mages? His Templars? They weren't his!

"And what sort of forces does he have? How would the Venatori get a thousand or more here? Do they even have that many to so easily gather in one place?" Cassandra demanded.

"Venatori. Templars. Red ones - the ones that you didn't kill at Therinfal." The ones that escaped. That's why they ran. Because they knew Corypheus would give them a chance for revenge, right? Amy clenched her jaw, feeling her heartrate go into the fucking stratosphere.

She'd been caught on the outskirts of cape fights, once or twice. And since coming to Thedas she'd been in and near battles, but this - sweet fucking Jesus, this was something else.

"The ones that weren't there and they found later," Cole continued, voice going 'distant' again. "The Outcast, turned Red, leads them. And the one who would be a Mother to a new Tevinter."

Then Cole stepped back, eyes going wide. "And he has more. He has the ones that follow the distant song... there's hundreds of them." Cole shook his head, "I don't like the distant song. It's wrong and angry and hurting."

 

[bob1?]

I don't - how can I have Lyrium in my body? I can't use any of the abilities I used before I stopped taking Lyrium." Cullen blinked, and Amy started directing Cullen's body to start killing the Lyrium

Click to shrink...

It's a good thing she started with him, he hasn't taken any for months and anybody else would get a system shock and that would not be pretty.
And forgot you're going with no magic bio rock no anti-magic. Alistair can still use his in the first game, right?

The Outcast, turned Red, leads them. And the one who would be a Mother to a new Tevinter."

Then Cole stepped back, eyes going wide. "And he has more. He has the ones that follow the distant song... there's hundreds of them." Cole shook his head, "I don't like the distant song. It's wrong and angry and hurting."

Click to shrink...

Oh… Oh No
That is not good at all… did hook up Darkspawn red Lyrium?!
You know it always bugged me why he never used the dark spawn in game, the fact that he can control the blight is why he infected the Templars in the first place. Why not use them at all? or was he just to focused on breaking through the barriers?

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Alistair can still use his in the first game, right?

Click to shrink...

By all accounts thats something David Gaider really didn't like and is basically a case of gameplay and story segregation. There's a number of things from the mechanic side of first game that were the people working on that stuff just going off on their own randomly, And leaving Gaider to try and make sense of it.

The companion comments, if you are a warrior class in dragon age inquisition, and you take the templar specialization confirm that your character is taking lyrium.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: As I've noted before, DAI sometimes just kind of does a thing and then expects you to run with it. Case in point: I was watching the screengrab videos of me playing through In Your Heart Shall Burn (the quest where you close the Breach and then defend Haven) for this chapter, and after the initial scene where you hear the bells, meet Cole/Dorian (the one you didn't recruit) and find out who is attacking you (the mages/templars - whichever side you didn't recruit) and see Corypheus... Cullen just says 'we have to control the battlefield, fight for your lives, for the Inquisition' and then suddenly, cut to, you're fighting to defend one of the Trebuchets from attackers.

You do find out why after a bit of fighting and it fires, but there's absolutely zero dialogue beforehand as to why you're so invested in the trebuchets. But the transition was so abrupt I had to find several other playthroughs of In Your Heart Shall Burn on youtube to see if my recording had missed a bit for some reason because. And that's emblematic of the whole quest really, there's a lot of abrupt bits that really could have used a tad more context.

In the game, I guess we're so used to just following quest prompts and the situation's so chaotic, on a first time play, that you just run with it as a player, but still.

Wtf DAI writers?

---

Soldiers, mages and Templars were streaming out of the gate in Haven's stone wall, while the civilians who had been outside of the walls streamed in. The village was in a state of controlled chaos as people fled into the chantry, and anyone who was willing and able to fight was getting ready for that.

"You," Cullen grabbed a passing soldier, "Get Grand Enchanter Fiona and Ser Barris. Have them meet in my tent next to the training grounds. We need to prepare a unified response, and make sure the Templars and mages don't get in each other's way."

The soldier saluted quickly and hurried off.

Amy bit her lip, heart pounding in her throat as she tried to figure out what she was supposed to do. Cole had vanished again after dropping that ominous comment, fuck if she - or anyone else - knew what he meant about a song, but it couldn't be good.

I'm not useless in a fight, but the front lines are - Amy could heal people the moment they fell, but with healing potions and healing magic, that was probably less urgent, and if she set up some sort of triage/field hospital... her eyes darted around - the tavern was the largest building close to the main gates. Better placed and larger than her clinic, which was near the back of the village, close by the Chantry.

Why would they stick everyone in the Chantry? Sturdy or not, if we lose, they can't run- Oh right. The tunnels. There were tunnels all around this section of the mountain, from the... cult that used to live here, before the Temple was rediscovered? That sounded familiar, but at this point she couldn't remember. But the tunnels - which ran under Haven as well as from the Chantry basement were supposed to be able to get people far away from Haven, so it was an escape route....

Another soldier ran to Cullen and handed him a spyglass, like out of a pirate movie, and Cullen looked through the open gate. He cursed after a few moments, peering at two tall peaks not far from Haven (relatively). They were close together, but with a narrow pass between them, and as Amy followed Cullen's gaze, she could see tiny pinpricks of light - people with torches? - coming down the slope between the two peaks, towards Haven.

That was... a lot of torches.

"The scout said one to two thousand... they underestimated..." Cullen trailed off. "Red Templars, or at least armored soldiers with red Lyrium growing out of them, people that have to be Venatori... and Darkspawn. A great many Darkspawn."

Amy froze.

Darkspawn were -

They're just - the problem is the Taint, and I can cure that if anyone gets it. And I mean - we don't have more of Alexius's potion handy, though it could be made, but it doesn't kill anyone quickly, usually, right? At least not if everything else gets healed? Not the 'months' Felix had had, but a few days? She could probably cure anyone who got that in time.

"That changes things," Cullen passed the spyglass to Leliana. "Darkspawn do not break, or at least not as easily as people. They keep coming. It looks like the vanguard are mostly Darkspawn, with the Venatori and Red Templars in the middle, and more Darkspawn - thousands more - coming behind.

"How the fuck can we - I mean - Haven has these stone walls, but they're not that tall! Shouldn't we start getting the civilians out through the tunnels now?" Amy suggested. "Some sort of fighting retreat thing?"

"We're not doomed yet," Cullen countered. "That column is long and thin and the pass of safe ground down the slope is narrow. The vanguard will be here soon, but the rest are further back, which gives us an opportunity to bury them."

"...bury them?" Josephine asked, confused. Then she shook her head, "And Darkspawn? Here? Is it a new Blight, already? It can't be," Josephine sounded panicked for half a second, but then she managed to be composed again. Amy wished she could match that control because right now, Amy felt like she was going to explode, her nerves and anxieties racing.

Thousands. I can't - we can't - we have mages that can throw fireballs and stuff but so do they and Corypheus has Templars and we have Templars and... don't Darkspawn get smarter in larger groups? That sounded familiar too. Was there an upper limit ot -

"It can't be a Blight. Not this soon," Cullen shook his head. "It can't be." Did he believe it, or -

"Blood mages have tried to find ways to control Darkspawn and use them as an army since the First Blight began," Cassandra pointed out. "And Corypheus is a Darkspawn himself."

"He doesn't even need Blood Magic." Amy murmured, "Remember, Varric said that when he and Hake were in Corypheus's prison, they found ancient writings from after the first Blight - the thinking Darkspawn were capable of leading portions of the Horde."

"It's cold comfort when we're outnumbered this much, but that means we won't be faced with an Archdemon anytime soon, at least," Cullen muttered. "As for burying them, I mean to fire the Trebuchets at the mountain slopes above that pass there and bring the rock, ice and snow down on their heads."

Amy had no idea what a Trebuchet was, though from the way he said it, maybe he meant those things outside the stone wall (well, two outside the wall and one inside it)? It sounded like he meant something that could throw a stone and those could - she hadn't known their names but she'd seen them in the Return of the King and in a few other fantasy movies and -

"You want to cause an avalanche?!" Amy registered the full reality of what Cullen was saying. "That's - that sounds like a suicide play!"

"Haven is far enough away from those peaks," Cullen gestured to the two the army was passing through, "that if we hit them with the Trebuchets and dislodge enough ice and snow, the village will be safe, but we could bury half that army, or more, before it even gets within spitting distance of Haven. It's that, or be overrun."

"This has been part of the plan for the defense of Haven since the start," Cassandra assured her. "Granted, it was a contingency we all thought distant, but it is our only option." Cassandra was holding the spyglass now, she must have used it when Amy wasn't looking. Amy held out a hand and Cassandra handed it to her.

Amy held the thing up to her eyes and looked at the peaks, at the torches coming down the slopes.

Hundreds. Thousands. She could see more Darkspawn - she couldn't make out all details, but what she could make it sure matched the one she'd seen on the Storm Coast, dead, and more tellingly even than that, it was the slapdash, haphazard armor... the ranks of the group in the front - the vanguard - seemed seeded with a few Red Templars and Venatori, but not many.

Probably just enough to fuck with some of the spells if the mages try to get rid of the Darkspawn with a rain of fireballs or something... The passage they were coming down the slope was narrow, the column was maybe three across, and the line extended back, further and further - the lead ranks of the vanguard were finally down the slope, so they were crossing open space to get to Haven... but there was a gap between the vanguard and the rest of the force - she could see even more Red Lyrium growing from heads, arms, shoulders... and another massive shape... bigger than Captain Conrad even.

"Shit." Burying really was the only shot, but it sounded insane. Like lighting your neighbor's house on fire just to kill some thugs before they can get to your house...

But she had to hope Cullen knew what he was doing. What else could she do?

"Josie, you should go back to the Chantry," Leliana cautioned. "If the villagers and other noncombatants must flee through the tunnels, they'll need someone to speak for them in the aftermath."

"And there's little I can do on the battlefield," Josephine agreed.

"Wait -" Amy said before Josephine left. "On your way back - can you spread the word? We need to set up some kind of field hospital for the fighting. I'm not hiding in the Chantry while everyone fights, but I'd just get in the way at the front. But if we can get all the healing potions we can spare, the ones our people aren't carrying into the fight, and a few of our best healing magic experts and anyone else who can wrap a clean bandage or set a bone in the tavern. If people are breathing when they get there, I'll do my best to make sure they stay that way."

Really, if it was just battle injuries, it would be simple enough in most cases to at least stop things from getting worse. Stemming bleeding and repairing damage to organs was simple enough, at least in terms of the 'don't let them die right now' approach.

Missing arms, more serious injuries might take longer to fully cure, but they'd still be alive for her to do that. And the potions and healing mages would let her focus on the more extreme cases...

"I can make sure that is done," Josephine nodded and she hurried off.

"Are you sure? You are sure to be Corypheus's prime target, or at least one of them. Your spirit friend said Corypheus was angry with you, not the Inquisition, and you are the one who disrupted his ritual." Leliana cautioned. "You may not be necessary for closing the Breach anymore, but your healing abilities - especially with the Taint - are still incredibly useful, and your death would be terrible for the morale of the Inquisition."

"It's not like I'm planning on dying, but I'm not going to do nothing while the fighting is happening." Amy said with certainty. "I'm a healer. I heal. I'm fucking Panacea. Being the Herald? I have no fucking clue how that works, which is one of the many reasons why I hate people calling me Herald." Amy cock an eyebrow, "But being Panacea? Healing? I can fucking do that in my sleep at this point."

"And I'll die before anyone gets to her, same as always," Katerina said from behind Amy. "I mean, I'll try to make the other guy die first, but at the very least I'll give her time to run." Amy suppressed the urge to roll her eyes as she turned to see the redhead approaching, fully armored up, her sword slung over her back. Her hair and face were damp, like she'd just dumped a bucket over her head and quickly dried off, but. "Where am I going to be doing that?"

Well, that answers the 'did she just get here or was she waiting for a dramatic moment' question. Katerina had just arrived in time to hear the end of what was being said and not the part about the tavern.

"The tavern. I'm turning it into a field hospital," Amy explained. "And you also missed the part where we're not just fighting the Red Templars that escaped and the Venatori, but also Darkspawn. Lots and lots of Darkspawn."

"Shit." Katerina said flatly, which really about summed it up. "Well, who wants to live forever, huh?" She added.

"Oh, you aren't dying on me! You die on me, I'll bring you back and kill you myself," Amy said flatly. "The universe is perverse enough to try and kill my bodyguard right before she quits, but I'm not going to let that happen. You're bringing Ser Jethan to justice."

"Quit? Ser Jethan? The one you reported?" Cassandra shook her head, crossing her arms. "What is she talking about Katerina? Amy still needs your protection."

Amy would have loved it if she could argue the point, but she did need someone's protection. Katerina's was very good.

"And up until the moment you relieve me of my duties, I can and will continue to do everything I can to protect her," Katerina said firmly. "I was going to talk to you tomorrow about being relieved, but the details are a long story."

"If we make it through this, I expect to hear it in full," Cassandra threatened. "But we don't have much more time. Head to the tavern, Katerina, Amy will join you shortly." Cassandra gestured for Amy to follow her off to the side, away from the road and the Gate, and Amy followed as Cullen and Leliana went off to do their own preparations.

"You knew about Katerina's intentions? And what does Ser Jethan have to do with this?" Cassandra asked quietly.

"She mentioned her desire to quit like... an hour ago? Less? We were talking about it right before the bells started ringing. First I'd heard of it. The reasons - they're her story, but I get why she feels like she needs to quit to do what she's doing. I'm not thrilled about it. She's good at her job, I actually mostly like having her around when she's not being annoying, and she doesn't treat me like I'm holy or whatever... which makes her pretty much the best bodyguard I could ever expect to have."

She inhaled. "But she also said that she wouldn't actually leave until you found someone who could do the job in her stead. So she's not going to just bitch off and leave me unprotected."

"I didn't think she would 'bitch off'," Cassandra clarified. She shook her head. "There is too much happening. If we are to survive... - if it appears that the battle is turning against us, Amy, I expect you to run to the Chantry, and escape with the others. Do not throw your life away uselessly."

"The same goes for you, Cassandra. Please - please don't die on me." Amy swallowed. She knew it was unfair to ask Cassandra that - just as Amy would have traded her life for closing the Breach in a heartbeat, Cassandra would absolutely give her life to save enough innocent lives. She couldn't ask Cassandra to put her own life before dozens or hundreds of people. If somehow the chance to end the fight, save Haven came up and it would cost her life...

But Amy had to ask. She couldn't - she couldn't lose Cassandra.

"I will do everything I can to survive this," Cassandra promised, taking Amy's hand in hers. "I still have the promise I made you - I will help you find a way home."

"I don't care about that!" Amy snapped, then, "I mean - I - I do care about that but your promise isn't why I want you to live!" Amy swallowed. Did Cassandra not understand-

How can she understand when I barely do!? Amy didn't get why Cassandra mattered so much to her. She liked her, trusted her, valued her support and praise and - Amy grasped all that, but the why and the how and how much and the -

She didn't understand it. So how could she expect-

"I know that." Cassandra said softly. "And I do not want you to live merely because you are a symbol the Inquisition still needs. But it is still true nonetheless that I intend to keep my promise." Cassandra let go of Amy's hand. "Go. Save as many lives as you can. I will make sure Corypheus pays dearly for this attack."

Amy swallowed, then before she could stop herself, she leaned in and wrapped her arms around Cassandra's torso, feeling the other woman's armor against her. "Give them hell. She said as she felt Cassandra return the hug. Then Amy pulled back, looking up at Cassandra. "Shove your sword up his ass if you get the chance. Maybe that's the secret weak spot, and even if it isn't, bastard deserves it." Amy smirked, blinking a few tears away

Cassandra managed a small smile, "We shall see if I get that chance."

---

Amy was in the Tavern for maybe five minutes, ordering the tables to be moved to the edges to make it easier to use them as places for the injured to be put on, when the sound of horns blowing nearby, loud, shouts, screams, roars and then - metal on metal, echoing even this far, the battle joined at the second walls of Haven. So close Amy could probably be at the front lines in two minutes if she jogged.

"The injured will be coming in any minute. Be ready, we need everyone we can get on the front lines. Everyone in Haven, all the people hiding in the Chantry, are counting on the soldiers and Templars and mages out there staying alive and winning." Amy said. "First priority is to stop any active bleeding, set bones and get people bandages or potions. If you can heal them back to fighting on your own, do that, if you can't - just keep them alive until I can get to them."

The biggest limiter on replacing lost limbs is biomass. Time too, but if I had more biomass to throw at it, time would be less of an issue... Amy wished she'd perfected the elfroot stuff, but she hadn't, and there wasn't time to try. As for biomass - it had to be alive, so a pile of meat or like, plant clippings wouldn't be very useful, unless they were very fresh plant clippings.

Algae, maybe? Or bugs? Something that reproduces fast, and a lot of it in a small space? I could use that -

Amy shook her head. She didn't have it now, she could worry about it later. She needed to keep her focus on the here and - she had too much nervous energy, too much anxiety to do anything else, so she paced and waited while Katerina made herself useful and stacked potions along the bar so they could be grabbed and used immediately as needed.

\Amy wasn't sure how long she'd been pacing, hearing the battle, but with no idea what was happening. Were they holding the line? Was anyone dying too quickly to be brought back to -

"Healer! I need a healer!" Amy looked to the door where a Templar was half-carrying an Inquisition soldier, who had one arm around the Templar's shoulders, the other pressing at his gut, his chainmail armor split and broken where something had smashed into it and cut into his stomach, blood seeping through his fingers. Amy rushed over, hand on the man's neck.

Minor damage to the intestines, but it will be the blood loss that kills him first. Amy sealed that up first, closing the wound, which looked like it came from an axe - because Amy had become depressingly good at diagnosing the kinds of injuries medieval weapons could give by now - that had slammed into his stomach with force. The soldier had other injuries, bruises, scrapes, an arrowhead in his shoulder...

She took care of the stomach, the internal bleeding - she was about to work on the arrow, have his body push out the barbed head that wouldn't be easy to remove without damage but then there was another shout and Amy looked up, another soldier, this one a mage, covered in electrical burns, robes half-charred. He was groaning, eyes closed, barely conscious -

Fuck.

"Someone, finish him off, get that arrowhead out of his shoulder, then use a potion or some magic or - something!" Amy barked, then she moved to the mage. This was going to take longer. "Katerina, cut the robes away from his chest!" Amy ordered, "You," she gestured to the one who'd brought him in, "get him up on the table, this isn't going to be fast."

Katerina pulled out a knife without hesitation and started cutting the robes where she directed and Amy grabbed his hand. The burns were 2nd and 3rd degree across his body - he'd taken a full blast, a Venatori mage or something - fuck, did Darkspawn have mages? Amy had no idea, but it also didn't matter.

He had burns internally throughout his body too, the electricity had interrupted signals and now his heart was beating wrong he was about to go into vfib.... Fuckfuckfuck...

Breathing fast, Amy set to work, getting his heart and bloodflow right, dealing with the burns, "Someone, open his mouth, get a potion down there, that will make this easier!" She shouted. This wasn't - when she did triage back in the Bay, during mass casualty events, the doctors knew what they were doing too, nurses, she knew the people she was dealing with, they knew -

These healers knew healing, some of the others here probably knew their stuff too, but Amy didn't know what they knew or how much or expertise - she hadn't paid attention much at the clinic and -

More came in - some carried or helped, some coming in themselves. Everything was moving quickly, Amy had no idea how long it had been, but the Inquisition was being hard pressed, she lost count of the healing quickly (not that she was trying hard) and she didn't have time to think, rushing from arrival to arrival, watching most of the ones that came in get back on their feet and go back out to the front lines.

How many are going to die now that I've forced them back out to fight some more? Amy shook her head. She couldn't worry about that. She couldn't. She had to heal, she had to focus on saving as many lives as possible. There were too many people who would die if this went wrong...

A few of them that came in had the Taint, fortunately none of them had a serious infection, and it was all near the injury site - she had to spend longer on them, but with the small cases, easy to expel, she decided to get the Taint out now.

"Don't touch it with your bare hands, take it outside, chuck it in a fire, burn it, something!" She shouted as she expelled another small ball of taint from a man's shoulder wound and it flopped on the ground with a wet, gross thud.

The actual number at any given moment wasn't overwhelming, but the pace of it, the fact that she knew too many lives depended on her getting people healed and back out to the fighting - that was pressing on her mind. Time was racing and moving at a snail's pace, she couldn't really grasp how long had passed as she healed up the man's shoulder wound. "Give him a potion or a hit from a healing spell and he's good!" Amy shouted.

That stemcell shit would be really useful now, and even more useful if this keeps going... If she'd started work on it sooner, it might be safe by now, she might have a large stock of it...

As soon as I get the chance, I have to work it out. It could save too many lives, help too many people for me to not...

Expelling the little bits of Taint felt like it was getting marginally - very marginally - easier every time, as she got a little bit more mastery on how to keep cells from being consumed by the taint for a few microseconds longer...

A Templar was brought in, and Amy set to healing broken ribs and bruises across the body, his armor dented and beaten and kicked around, looking more like an old trash can in a drug-dealer's alley than armor at this point, blood (mostly Darkspawn blood, it looked like) and dirt smeared across it.

There was a snarl and a roar from a doorway and Amy froze up as someone shouted 'Darkspawn!' -

Amy turned to see Katerina rushing to block a short, dwarf-sized thing that was definitely a darkspawn, holding two knives that looked like they were made out of Trainyard scrap and it was ducking around Katerina swings - Katerina kicked out at it, trying to knock it away from her and then it stabbed her in the thigh -

"KATERINA!" Amy didn't realize who had screamed until she realized it was her as Katerina stumbled and fell, though not before her foot connected with the darkspawn's chin and sent it tumbling back as well, the blades slipping from its grasp and sliding across the wooden floor.
Before the mages could take the opening to actually hit the darkspawn with some kind of spell - there was another guttural snarl from the other door and two darkspawn tried to rush through -

One of the mages, reacting quickly, raised up a barrier and the Darkspawn were held back, the mage concentrating -

The other two mages in the room threw spells at the held back darkspawn - a spike of ice, a bolt of fire, both a lot smaller than what she'd seen from Solas or Vivienne, but these were mages that specialized in healing so that almost -

The one that Katerina had knocked over was coming to its feet and there was no one to stop it as Katerina struggled to get on her feet, get a grip on her sword - she kicked out with her good hand at the darkspawn as it grabbed a knife and started to move at her - she connected with it's shin but that didn't do more than make it stumble -

Amy looked around - her staff was back in her cabin, she didn't - her heart was in her throat, Katerina was trying to get up, to move, the darkspawn came at her -

Amy grabbed the only thing she had to hand - the dagger at the belt of the Templar on the table next to her and she ran at the darkspawn.

In hindsight, she had no idea why she did something so stupid. Katerina had it in hand. Katerina could handle the one darkspawn, even prone. Katerina had a knife of her own, she was sitting up, she could handle herself -

But instead, Amy had decided it made perfect sense to charge at the Darkspawn with a dagger. Shouting incoherently, Amy caught it's attention and as it turned to face her, Amy tried to stab it, driving the dagger down into it -

And she did manage to connect with it's shoulder, black blood coating the blade as it drove into flesh -

But the darkspawn was right in front of her, it still had a knife of its own and it stabbed at Amy, getting her in the stomach.

She wasn't wearing her armor under her robes, she hadn't been wearing it for the party and she she hadn't put it on before rushing to the tavern for the field hospital and - and the knife went in, cutting through her skin and muscle tissue - Amy staggered, freezing up, her muscles seizing in shock and she didn't feel any pain, it didn't hurt - it had to be adrenaline or her brain not noticing the signal -

She had healed enough gut wounds to know she wasn't necessarily doomed, wasn't gauranteed to die in moments but - oh god oh god oh fuck fuck fuck fuck why doesn't it hurt why am I just standing here? - if this happened back home and she got to a hospital in time she'd have had a very good chance and here there were potions and while she was pretty sure that blade could have done serious damage to her internal organs it didn't seem to go in that far before she staggered back and it slipped out of her wound, the jagged, rough metal doing more damage as it was pulled out, and Amy tried to will a hand to press against her stomach as blood flooded from the injury, staining her shirt, her robes, a red darker than the red cross symbols on her robes, and -

Amy fell backwards onto her ass and as she hit the ground, head just barely missing the round edge of a table, she felt pain explode through her from the injury site and she managed to get her hand against the wound, pressing down hard, feeling hot blood -

I'm - I'm bleeding, pressure, keep pressure, I'm going - I'm - potion. Mage. I need - I need - She tried to look, tried to see the closest potion - they were arrayed on the bar, they weren't - she could get there, if she - it wasn't too far, a potion would - she'd seen what those could do, it wouldn't immediately fix everything but it would make sure she didn't bleed out or -

Amy had seen death. Been around death. Watched people die. Felt someone die once, with her power, unable to heal them faster than their body had failed. She'd felt how they'd gone from alive, her power able to affect them, sense their entire body as the whole thing bled from a dozen injuries and multiple severely damaged organs - they'd somehow survived getting to the hospital but it was a miracle and -

And then nothing. Her senses had picked up nothing

She'd been hurt before. She'd been in situations where she could have died, since coming to Thedas, if something had gone differently.

But she'd never been this close to dying all on her own.

I'm not - I don't want to die, I can't die here, I need to get home, I need to see Vicky. I want to read books and touch a dragon and I want to sleep in my old bed and eat at Fugly Bobs and get that Stemcell shit working and -

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

And she wasn't - she just needed to get to her feet and the Darkspawn was coming closer - was it menacing, taking it's time, trying to psych her out, or was she just seeing everything in slow motion as her mind raced or - was she -

It wasn't at her yet, hadn't come to finish the job as Amy tried to reach up with her freehand, grab onto the table, try to use it to pull herself to her feet, blood covering her fingers, seeping around them as she pressed as much as she could at the wound -

"AMY!" Katerina shouted, all but screamed really, at the same time more than one person shouted "Herald!" Katerina flipped herself to her hands and knees, moving the short distance as quickly as she could - the redhead grabbed the Darkspawn's injured shoulder from behind, spinning it around and smashing a gloved fist into the creature's face. She pulled the dagger Amy had used to stab its shoulder out and when the creature tried to stab at Katerina's face, Katerina caught it on her vambrace and drove the dagger into the chin of the creature, upwards, and she punched it in the stomach as hard she could - the darkspawn dropped it's own weapon and Katerina pulled out the dagger and started stabbing it in the chest, the blade not going in very deep, the sternum and upper ribs or whatever the creature had that was like that doing the job, but as black blood spilled from the wounds it staggered back and was flat on the ground and Katerina was struggling to her feet, bleeding from the stabwound in her calf -

"Amy!" she said again, stumble-running to her and Amy was half-standing, her knees bent as she struggled to pull herself up the rest of the way and then there were hands under her armpits and she was being lifted onto her feet and she heard Katerina muttering the word 'fuck' over and over and over.

I'm going to start feeling cold if I lose too much more blood - more cold than I am because Haven is always chilly - and

Amy felt Katerina pull Amy's arm around her shoulders and then one of the mages was there in front of her, hand glowing, holding it over her stab wound.

It felt different than when she'd drank healing potions for the minor injuries she'd taken. That had usually come with a sort of itching feeling as her skin closed up, but this was more than just scratches and scrapes and she could feel skin knitting back together, and maybe organs getting fixed if any were hit...

How well do they actually know the intimate details of anatomy - but I mean - they heal stab wounds all the time so they have to have enough conceptual understanding for the magic to make it work right?

"Potion - potion -" Amy gasped out. She needed to be sure she didn't have any lingering internal damage. That shit could end up killing her or at least causing her problems and the potions sort of numbed pain and even with the stab wound completely gone the pain still was there and maybe it was in her head and -

An opened potion vial was put in her hand and Amy tried to bring it to her mouth, but she she was breathing so fast, shaking, mind racing, body refusing to cooperate - she spilled a little on her hand and Katerina steadyed it, bringing Amy's hand holding the potion to her lips -

The grass and peppermint flavor of the potion made her want to gag - she'd still never gotten used to that - but she managed to hold back, like she always did, and she Katerina didn't stop until Amy had drunk the whole vial and Amy's heart was still pounding and -

Amy tried to take a deep breath, tried to just sort of dry swallow as she tried to steady herself, she looked up at Katerina.

"Her injury is closed, and the potion should make sure there's no long term damage internally," the mage said. "Herald, how are -"

"My name Amy," Amy managed to get out between shallow breaths.

"That probably means she's... mostly fine. Apart from being a fucking idiot, but I suppose even magic can't fix that!" Katerina said. Amy bit her lip, but she didn't - she couldn't focus enough to get outraged. She - she needed to -

She didn't know what she needed. The mage set to working on the Templar she'd been healing before the darkspawn had - had broken through? Snuck by? Were there more in the village? Were they attacking the Chantry? - attacked... Amy put her hand on his bared neck and felt the rest of the bruises and broken bones and even the minor internal bleeding she hadn't had a chance to heal start to fix. But unlike when she healed something like that, the blood lost internally wasn't being forcibly brought back into his body or reused as new biomass - the injured parts of his body just regrew, mass coming out of fucking nowhere, which was still so many kinds of fucking bullshit - and the blood just sort of... vanished? Into nowhere?

Apart from Katerina's injured leg there was no one else in the field hospital/tavern that needed her at the moment as the other two mages had healed everyone else or given the potions. And then the mage that had just healed her held his hand over Katerina's calf, crouching a little, and Amy grabbed onto Katerina's face to feel it seal up and close - she turned a little of Katerina's body fat into blood to help replace what was lost...

I could make it so Katerina could be a lot harder to stab - make her skin thicker and muscles denser... I could easily strengthen her bones and -

Amy screwed her yes shut and banished the thought before she let it linger. No. She couldn't do that. There could be consequences. She might make Katerina's muscles too strong for her bones or make - or -

Okay, maybe not but - there's consequences! I could make it so Katerina would drown instantly if she fell into water or - massively increase her caloric requirements in ways that are unsustainable if you're travelling or -

Amy closed her eyes, shook her head and opened them in time to watch all three mages down small blue potions, which she knew were the lyrium potions they used to let them use more magic, which meant they were all low on... magical energy or whatever, which made sense and -

"What were you thinking, Amy!?" Katerina demanded. "You told me you'd bring me back and kill me again if I died on you, well the same fucking goes for you, alright?"

Amy swallowed dryly and managed to finally take a deep - well, deeper - breath and she met Katerina's eyes.

"I saw you fall and the darkspawn was going at you and I panicked and you're right it was stupid especially because I don't have armor and -

"And you and I are going back to your cabin and getting your fucking armor right the fuck now, Amy!" Katerina added. "Andraste's tits, I didn't even think of it. Some fucking boydguard I am."

"I didn't think of it either. Cassandra didn't," Amy said, "But - we can't - I need - more people could come and need healing and -"

"There's no one else now, and you nearly fucking died, Amy, so -"

"I wouldn't have - I mean - all those potions, even if- I would have been fine... eventually," Amy protested weakly and Katerina shook her head.

"Not the point, and you know it. I saw it stab you, you are insanely lucky it didn't do worse than that or get you somewhere else and- we're going to your cabin and you're getting your armor on under your robes - fuck, that... Maker that's a lot of blood on your robes we should just get you out of th-"

"No!" Amy shouted. "I'm not getting rid of the robes!" She was Panacea. She was a healer. She was healing now. She was keeping the robes. She didn't - she couldn't -

They were - she didn't have much left grounding her to the Bay. What if she needed something from back home with a strong... memory or whatever or connection or whatever built into it? She had her phone and she had her robes and at this point that was about it, and -

They were what she had, physically. The robes were familiar and normal and hers and -

I need to keep them. Bloody or not, they could be washed and repaired and - she had to be Panacea.

Especially now.

"I didn't mean get rid of them forever, just - for- until it's - cleaned!" Amy flushed a little as Katerina said that, realising she'd jumped the gun a little, but as long as she was being a healer, she needed to keep the robes on. She just - she just did.

"You have darkspawn blood all over your armor, are we taking your armor off until it's clean?" Amy snapped. "I'm not-"

She was cut off by the sound of cheers ripping from dozens, hundreds of throats, coming from the battlefield. Amy blinked - what -

"What just happened?" Amy moved to the closest window to try and get a look, but the tavern wasn't positioned to get a good look at the battlefield... she leaned out of the window but she just couldn't get a good look.

"Either they repelled the vanguard of Corypheus's attack, or the trebuchets managed to start an avalanche and it buried a lot of the attackers," Katerina guessed. "We can find out after we get your armor on," she patted Amy's back and then a hand on her shoulder pulled her back from the window. "Come on. You can keep wearing your bloodstained robes, but you are putting your Maker-damned armor on."

Katerina's answer made sense. Probably both, since - how long could it take to fire a trebuchet? It threw big rocks so they probably had to load it, but still. It probably took more than one or two shots to actually start an avalanche, but - the whole plan was to use an avalanche to defend Haven and defeat the attackers, which meant that they had to expect starting an avalanche would be fast enough that not every attacker would be out of reach.

And if the vanguard was still a problem would people be cheering? Maybe, but they'd also be fighting, right?

"Do you think the Avalanche will have gotten most of them?" The bulk of Corypheus's forces were Darkspawn, from what Cullen had said after using the spyglass, and they didn't matter at all - they were monsters, and mindless ones and the Taint - their death was completely justified. As for the Red Templars and the Venatori...

Amy couldn't bring herself to care. Part of her was still bothered by how easily she'd accepted that killing in fights happened so easily in Thedas, but even given that - the Venatori were all slaving bastards who looked at Corypheus - a fucking Darkspawn that had been one of the seven idiots who gave the world the Taint and thought 'oh, I should become a God' - and decided 'I want to help and or worship him'.

And the Red Templars? Maybe you could say they were tricked, but a lot of the Templars proved to be (just barely) smart enough not to take Red Lyrium, and at this point, they had to be Tainted up to the gills, right? Maybe Amy could save some if she worked hard enough on each one, and if one was in front of her, dying or a prisoner or - she'd - she'd try to do it, but -

This was a fucking war, not some random cape battle in the streets of the Bay. If killing Red Templars, if burying them alive meant that the people of Haven survived, if it meant the people fighting for the Inquisition survived... then yeah.

That was a trade-off Amy didn't like but it was one that she could accept

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me?

What had Thedas done to her?

But even thinking that much, Amy just could not bring herself to care about any Venatori or Red Templars that died in the Avalanche, or any that were killed if they attacked Haven again... because Amy doubted the Avalanche got all of Corypheus's soldiers... they weren't that lucky...

"I'm praying on Andraste's Tits it got most of them, yeah. Two or three thousand against what we have is still too much." Katerina answered as they crossed the distance to Amy's cabin as quickly as possible - well, Amy moved as quickly as she could without getting into a jog or a run - Katerina, with her stupid tall person legs, didn't have to push herself as much to keep pace with Amy.

Maybe it was just that she was feeling light-headed after getting stabbed and healed, maybe it was just that she was trying to distract herself from the fact that she'd just got stabbed or -

"Why the fuck is everyone swearing by Andraste's Tits, or Andraste's Ass?" She'd heard people even say 'Maker's Balls' as an oath, which... ew. "Nobody back home sweats by Jesus's dick or anything like that!" She'd never heard anyone say anything even close, really.

"Why not?" Katerina countered as they reached Amy's cabin and they moved inside. "He's supposed to be the son of your Maker or whatever.... So I suppose people should swear by his dad's dick rather than his..." Katerina made a face and shook her head.

Since Mary was supposedly a virgin I guess God never actually used his dick to knock her up, right? Amy had no idea. She threw off her robes and moved to grab her armor, putting the main chestpiece on over her torso, starting to lace it up.

"But I mean, as far as swearing by Andraste's Tits go, I mean, if you're going to swear by anyone's breasts, it might as well be the most magnificent ones in the world, and Andraste had to have the best tits ever, right?"

Amy paused, halfway through lacing up the left side of her armor so it would stay in place on her torso better. "What?"

"Andraste somehow managed to get the Maker to take her as his wife. That means she had to be really beautiful, right? Which means that her tits had to be beautiful too. Probably the most beautiful ever," Katerina said, as if she was explaining how two plus two equaled four.

"...I somehow don't think that's what the Chant of Light says about how she caught the Maker's interest." Amy still hadn't read that stupid book and she really should have by now, but she wouldn't need to now, anyway, because - she was going home soon. Right?

I'm going home soon. I'm going home soon.

She repeated that in her mind like a mantra as she laced up the right side, and then started on her bracers and greaves - she thought that was the right word. The leather pieces of armor wouldn't necessarily stop a darkspawn stab again, or worse, but it would have made sure the dagger hadn't gotten as deep in her and that would have been helpful

"The Chant of Light is many things, and one of them is mostly boring," Katerina said as Amy finished up with her armor and grabbed her robes again. By the time Amy had her robes back on, Katerina had grabbed Amy's staff and was handing it to her. Amy grabbed the staff - another thing she should have had with her - and they both moved out of her cabin. They were halfway to the gates (which were halfway - ish - from the cabin to the tavern), a knot of people coming through - a Templar helping a wounded mage walk, an inquisition soldier carrying a scout in his arms, they were moving quickly, but not racing. That was - that had to be a good sign, right? If the fighting was still happening they'd be running for the healing, but they were heading for the tavern, so Amy needed to get to them -

When Amy and Katerina reached the gates, Amy recognized Alyward as the soldier carrying a scout, "Alyward!" It was good that a familiar face seemed uninjured? It felt - a little good anyway -

"What happened? Did the avalanche get all of them?" Amy asked, "How many are left?"

"The Avalanche got most the Darkspawn, but the fucking Red Bastards and the Venatori are mostly still intact, the ones we didn't kill with the vanguard." Alyward said, forgetting - finally - to call her Herald. "When the avalanche started, what was left of the Vanguard fell back - Maker knows how many they have left, but still many hundreds."

"Better than thousands. Why haven't they attacked yet?"

"Regrouping, right? They just lost all their reinforcements. And maybe they're afraid we'll -"

The sound of a roar in the sky, or maybe more of a screech, Amy looked up, towards the two peaks in the distance - it was hard to say, but it did look like snow had tumbled down it a lot - and then she saw it.

Something huge, something that had to be bigger than the Simurgh, at least, descending down from the sky. Wingspan, a tail, claws, a massive head, open jaws -

"DRAGON!"

"ARCHDEMON!"

Shouts of both words could be heard from all around and Katerina grabbed Amy's wrist and started pulling her, not towards the tavern, but towards the back of Haven, the chantry-

A dragon. Corypheus has a fucking dragon?! HOW THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE A DRAGON!?

If he can have a fucking dragon, I should have a fucking dragon! Amy pushed down on that thought - now was not the fucking time Shaper!

She looked over her shoulder, still stumbling as she was pulled by Katerina and saw the Dragon open its mouth and a massive ball of fire flew from it and hit one of the trebuchets out between the stone wall and the wood one, and it exploded in flame and smoke and chunks of burning wood. The dragon flew low, she heard more screams, and then it breathed again, hitting the other trebuchet that was outside the stone walls.

Fuckfuckfuck

Corypheus had hundreds of Venatori, Red Templars and probably some Darkspawn left and a fucking Dragon. There was no way - oh god, oh fuck oh -

"AMY! MOVE!" Katerina shouted and she realized she'd been just standing there for a long moment as the Dragon flew up, starting to circle around, as if to make another pass - screams of terror, shouts of 'Fall back' and 'scatter' and 'it's over!' being heard from where the battle had just been, had just been victorious - the Dragon blasted again from a distance and more screams, and as Amy finally got her legs to open and she started to run again, she heard Cullen,

"FALL BACK! FALL BACK TO THE CHANTRY"

The coldest possible comfort to Amy was that the tavern hadn't had any injured when she left and they couldn't have had more than one or two by the time the dragon attacked and the mages there were smart enough to run too, right? And they could -

The Chantry was ahead, and it was open - Chancellor Rodkerick - he was still in Haven? - was there, gesturing towards them, "Keep going! The chantry is your shelter!" Amy realized that he had a hand to his side, and he looked pale, and she realized his robes were stained red at his side. How - how had he gotten hurt? Shouldn't he have been in the Chantry, safe with the other noncombatants!?

As Amy rushed into the Chantry building, she sort of had her answer - a dead red Templar, their and the blacksmith - Harrit, she thought his name was - had his hammer, which was covered in blood and the red Templar, who had knives in his dead hand and a bow and arrow over his back - had a hammer shaped hole in his skull.

I guess blacksmithing gives you a a lot of upper body strength. It made sense now that Amy thought of it.

"Hold still, Roderick," Amy ordered, and she grabbed the hand that wasn't pressing down on his injury.

"Herald-" Roderick started.

"My name is Amy," Amy interrupted without thinking as she set to healing the stab in his side. It was bad, but easy for her to heal. The man didn't have a ton of spare body fat, so she couldn't replace all of his lost blood, but -

More soldiers, mages and Templars, including Alyward with the injured scout -

"Put her on the pew!" Amy ordered, pulling away from the healed Roderick, ignoring whatever he was about to say. She looked at Harrit, "Are you hurt?"

"No, Her- Amy," the blacksmith answered. He kicked the red Templar, "Bastard was too busy trying to scare us to notice me pulling my hammer out. Not much of a fighter, but I can hit hard."

"Amy! Katerina What happened?" She heard Josephine's voice and Amy didn't look up as she set to healing the scout - she had a broken rib, internal bleeding, a shattered kneecap... Amy started with the internal bleeding and the rib, they were easy - the smaller scrapes and bruises she ignored. "Your robes- you were hurt?"

"She got stabbed, but she got healed and a potion," Katerina answered. "As for what happened - an avalanche buried most of the darkspawn, and then Corypheus's forces that were left fell back or held back and then that fucking dragon attacked."

"A dragon!?" Josephine gasped, hand over her mouth - never before had Josephone fit the stereotype Amy had in her head of 'rich noblewoman' as much as she did now, but -

If there was a time to gasp and cover your mouth in terror/horror/whatever, it was finding out the other side had a dragon and you didn't have one.

Even if I'd taken that dragonling from the Storm Coast as a pet it wouldn't be fully grown! Still, Amy - even if it was probably Shaper fucking with her, despite their deal, or at least -

The idea of having a dragon of her own sounded really fucking good right now.

Cassandra's killed dragons, but she had help and the dragons didn't exactly have hundreds of soldiers on the ground as backup! And the terrain in the main plaza around the White Spire was very different from here...

"It's not a dragon! It's an archdemon!" One of the soldiers who had made it into the Chantry said. It was starting to get crowded in the Chantry with so many people here now, and there had to be hundreds more of the Inquisition's soldiers on their way here - she looked through the open doorway out into the village, and she could see more coming, but some were turning, firing arrows, throwing spells -

Oh fuck. The rest of Corypheus's forces attacked as everyone ran as -

She saw a ball of fire fly down out of the sky and hit a building off in the distance and unless Amy missed her guess, that building it hit was the tavern, and the dragon screech-roared again in the distance, probably getting ready for another circle and come back down -

The tunnels.

"If you're not a fighter, get down into the dungeons, down to the tunnels!" Amy shouted. "Orderly fucking line, but get moving!" The Chantry was the sturdiest building in the village, it might stand up to a blast from the dragon, it might not, but if the civilians got into the tunnels...

"Amy's right!" Josephine said, raising her own voice. "Everyone down into the dungeons! Stay organized!" There were shouts of panic and a moment of pure chaos and then Harrit added his own voice to the mix, waving his bloodstained hammer!

"SHUT UP!" Everyone went silent for a moment, "Listen to Lady Montilyet!"

Josephine started giving orders, telling people to grab something useful if they could - the chantry had stocks of food piled up in crates in the corner apparently (had a shipment come in recently and not been organized or -?) and she started directing who to go down first, focusing on the children, the elderly, and then continuing down the line -

Amy returned to the scout she was healing - she was almost done with her kneecap - it was a complicated healing, but -

More people reached the Chantry, and Roderick was ushering them in.

"Amy!" She heard Cassandra's voice and Amy looked up as she finished with the kneecap and woke the scout up with a slap to the face, rather than using her power. "Thank the maker you're uninjured!"

"Onlky because a mage healed her when she was stupid enough to attack a darkspawn without her armor on," Katerina said. Amy felt a heat in her cheeks and a flash of annoyance as Cassandra reached her hand, on her shoulder.

"You what?"

"It had knocked Katerina prone and I - I wasn't thinking! I grabbed a knife off the templar I was healing and attacked it!" Amy said defensively, "It was stupid but I was worried about Katerina!"

"It's not your job to worry about me living, it's my job to worry about you living!" Katerina snapped.

"I told you that you weren't allowed to die on me!" Amy shouted back, "So don't give me that shit!"

"Right now," the quiet but steel-hard voice of Leliana cut in before Katerina or Cassandra could respond, "we have greater concerns. You are alright now, Amy?"

Amy swallowed, then nodded, "Yeah."

"Good. Then everything else on this subject can wait." Leliana glanced at the open doorway, where more people were coming in - mages, Templars, soldiers, scouts. Some were wounded, some were carrying wounded or helping them run or job. She heard the dragon roar more in the distance. Amy broke off from Cassandra and Katerina to start healing some of the new arrivals, who were rapidly filling up the space the fleeing civilians were freeing up.

"Cassandra, what can we do about that dragon?" Leliana asked.

"Nothing. Not as long as Corypheus has that army. Not in Haven" Cassandra said firmly as Amy touched the closest injured person and set to work. "Not unless we can force it to land, and we have no way to do that."

Shit. Shit.

Cassandra had killed dragons. She knew all about how slaying dragons worked. If she thought they had no hope against that thing -

"Then what are we supposed to do, Lady Pentaghast?" Amy heard Katerina demand. "It - Grey Wardens kill the Archdemon when it has a horde of Darkspawn. They've even done it five times. Sister Leliana, how did the Hero-"

"Riordan, another Warden, leapt onto its back from the top of one of the tallest buildings in Denerim as it swooped low to breath fire on the defenders of the city. He damaged its wing badly enough to force it to land." Leliana answered. "Haven doesn't have anything close enough."

"We have - we have mages, couldn't we have them-"

"If we were fighting somewhere more defensible than Haven, perhaps, but Corypheus's army would overrun us if we tried it." Cassandra shook her head.

"Then what are we supposed to do? Lay down and die?" It took Amy a moment to place Dorian's voice. "I signed up to fight Corypheus and his Venatori, not die uselessly to his pet Archdemon."

"Is it even an Archdemon? It can't be, we just had a Blight! We can't have another one just ten years later! We can't!" Sera's voice insisted as Amy moved onto another injured person.

"Archdemon or not, it's big, it's mean and it breathes fire and Corypheus has a small army to back it up." Varric cut in. "So we can worry about what it is if we survive this."
"Varric's right," Cullen said and Amy blinked. When had he gotten in? She looked back towards the open door and there was Cullen standing by the doors, holding one open, gesturing for more people to flee into the Chantry, having them line up against the walls to save space. "Right now, we need to focus on holding out until all the people of Haven can get into the tunnels and put some distance between themselves and Haven."

He was right, Amy had to acknowledge. Because if they all just ran into the tunnels now, Corypheus's army could chase them, and then they'd all die in there, or at least they might and -

Buy time, kill as many of them as possible...

But we also have the tunnels so maybe we can escape? Amy didn't want to die here. She didn't want anyone on the Inquisition's side to die here, but - she didn't want Cassandra and Katerina and Josephine to die the most... and she did not want to die.

I closed the Breach! I'm supposed to be going home soon! I can't die here!

The Dragon circled around again and blasted another ball of fire into one of the buildings of the village, sending pieces flying in a hail of flame and smoke. It was hard to make out in the darkness - though all those fires were helping - but behind the Inquisition's forces running for the Chantry, maybe another twenty at most, were Red Templars, others in the distance alongside them (the red templars were easy to spot with how the Red Lyrium caught the light)

As soon as that last group got in, Cullen asked one of them if there were more behind them, that one said no, doubled over, gasping, and Cullen and a few other soldiers started pulling the door closed. It slammed shut loudly, and a bar was quickly put up, blocking the door, soldiers pressed against it.

"Start getting things to pile against the door. The longer we hold, the more time we have," Cullen ordered. Amy looked around the large main chamber of the Chantry - it was packed, most of the civilians now down the stairs into the dungeons - Josephine and Harrit were holding up the rear, and Amy caught Josephine's eyes and Josephine nodded to her, then down the stairs she went -

She'd guessed Haven had had maybe four hundred fighting people at most, and now - now there were maybe two hundred left in this room. Fighting the Vanguard had to have taken a toll, but it had to have been the dragon, and the flight away from the front lines, and Corypheus having his guys attack as they ran that made it add up to more losses.

In one of the Roaraxia books, there'd been a battle - not described in detail, since the main characters had been in the rear - and one of the characters had said something about most casualties being during a retreat.

Apparently, that might very well have been true... Amy's breath caught as she realized what that meant - up to two hundred people, maybe even a little more, were dead. Dead. Their families, if they had any, would never see them again. Their friends. Anything they'd have -

All dead, all in one night.

All because Corypheus was pissy at her for having his mark and taking 'his' mages and 'his' Templars and maybe for closing the Breach even but -

If I wasn't here-

Then the Breach wouldn't have been closed. And that needed to happen. It did.

It did.

And Corypheus was still an evil asshole who wanted to become a God. The Inquisition wouldn't have bowed down to him - Cassandra would never do that...

He'd be here anyway, in another universe. She told herself, swallowing hard.

"So we hold the doors to let the civilians escape. That's good." Amy said, raising her voice, "Do we just - I -" She didn't want to say it. Didn't want to sound like a coward, but she didn't want to die! Not here! Not now! Not if there was a choice!

"Once we've given the people of Haven a head start, we start getting our own people out through the tunnels, while holding the attackers back," Cullen answered the question she hadn't managed to ask. "If we're going to lose here, we can at least get as many of our people out as possible, and make Corypheus pay for this victory in blood."

"That's something approaching a strategy," Dorian spoke up, "not that I think Corypheus is the type to mind the cost of victory, but dying still doesn't appeal, especially when it won't accomplish much to stop him in the long run."

"You're always welcome to be one of the first of us to evacuate, Vint," Iron Bull suggested.

"Not my point, you oversized ox of a man," Dorian countered. "I'd rather not die, but if we're going to lose, achieving something with the loss would be preferable. Something to take out more of Corypheus's army. It's a pity we can't replicate the trick with the trebuchets again. It was quite effective, and a good trick to boot." Dorian exhaled. "But as long as that thing - dragon or Archdemon - is still out there, even fighting to the death in some glorious last stand would be pointless, because it will probably just start hitting the Chantry. This building is sturdy, but I doubt it can stand up to sustained blasts of fire, or a dragon's teeth and claws."

"The dragon won't attack the Chantry," Cole said, suddenly appearing next to Doran. The mage blinked but didn't jump in surprise or anything - did he even know who Cole was?. "Corypheus wants her alive. Needs her. Has to take it back." He looked at Amy, not that he needed to. The first time he'd said 'her', Amy knew who he meant.

"He's very angry with you."

"Who is -"

"That's Cole. He reads minds, including Corypheus's apparently. Despite the distance." Amy answered question before Dorian could finish it. "I thought you had to be closer to someone to-"

"He's very loud." Cole answered. "I'm not even trying to hear him, he just... shouts. In his head. It hurts to hear him."

"I hate how that makes sense." Amy muttered. Then she raised her voice, "He wants the mark back." Cole nodded.

He's here for me.

He'd be here sooner or later eventually or -

Amy tried to use the second thought to stem the surge of guilt from the first, but -

"He will not have you, or the mark," Cassandra countered. "I will not allow it." Cassandra's words sent a warm feeling through her chest, the iron certainty in her tone, the stance - she wanted to believe it, wanted to - but -

This is my fault!

It wasn't, it - she didn't make Corypheus, but he was here for her - if she'd... if she'd run off -

But then he'd - he might get the mark then and -

"Leaving aside all the other reasons as to why it would be bad to allow Corypheus to have Amy, letting him have the mark that the ritual Amy interrupted created would be imprudent and foolish in the extreme," Vivienne suggested, echoing Amy's thoughts. "That seems likely to be fatal for us anyway, in the long run. It was obviously very powerful magic he was working with."

Amy swallowed.

She didn't want to die.

If giving herself over to Corypheus could have saved everyone else, saved Cassandra and Katerina and - and -

Then maybe it might be worth it. Or at least - at least worth thinking about.

But if it gave him the mark back, then it would be the worst possible idea...

"Allowing him to have Amy would be wrong on a moral and tactical level, yes," Solas agreed. "But I am all but certain that he would not be able to take the mark back. It is quite embedded in her hand. The only way to remove it from her would be to cut her hand off, and even then, still wouldn't be something he could reclaim."

Cut my hand off? How is that even - why is that even coming up? I need my left hand! To grab things and to - to hold a book and a cup of coffee at the same time and - and to stuff!

"On the other hand, if he did get her, Corypheus is unlikely to take 'no' for an answer on the subject, and he would no doubt kill Amy in pursuit of trying to get it back."

Fun. Not that she couldn't have guessed that but -

If he can't get the mark, then -

Amy wanted to go home. She wanted to live.

But her life? For all the people of Haven? For everyone who had survived the earlier battle? For Cassandra? Katerina? Josephine?

That was -

Wasn't that a good trade?

I don't want to die. It was true. It was true now, it was true when she'd been stabbed, it was true this fucking morning when they closed the Breach, and she'd considered that trading her life for a closed Breach would have been worth it.

Not just worth it. That would have been a bargain.

This -

Was this a bargain too? It -

It wasn't an entire world, but -

It would save all their lives...

If it really came down to it, her life, or -

But it hadn't come down to that yet, and-

Even if I went and handed myself over to Corypheus, even if he kept his word and - he'd still come for them eventually because Cassandra will keep fighting him. Katerina will want to kill all of his Red Templars once she's done with Ser Jethan.

And if she handed herself over, Corypheus would still have the hundreds he still had left under his command. If they fought - then maybe at least some of them would be dead. It would cost him resources. Sure, he might not care, but the Venatori couldn't be infinite. How many Red Templars had even escaped?

"If the Dragon won't attack the Chantry, that gives us a better chance to hold," Cullen said. "Handing Amy over shouldn't even be in question. But if we can hold, we can give everyone but the people who stay behind a chance." He took a breath.

Everyone but the people who stay behind.

How many would need to stay?

"That only works if Amy stays here until the last minute, flees with the last group," Cassandra pointed. "We -"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Amy said quickly, firmly. Now that was a bargain. If her being here in this Chantry could make sure that dragon didn't attack... she trusted that the people defending the Chantry would be able to hold the line... it was a risk, but the risk could buy time for a lot of escaping...

The Chanty building had those stained glass windows, but it only had the one door. So it wouldn't take too many people to hold it, right? In theory?

God I don't even fucking know.

Amy met Cassandra's eyes and after a long moment, the older woman nodded.

"But," Amy added, "The people who stay behind to the last - they're going to have to die." It was something everyone already knew, but - it needed to be said out loud. "They'll have to die to buy us time. And the dragon will probably just blow this whole place up." She felt sick saying it, but it was true. People were going to die for -

Not for me. For all of us. They're not dying for me. She closed her eyes a moment and repeated that in her head several times.

Cullen grimaced, but nodded. "Even with the chantry as a defensive position, even if we fell back to the dungeons as a last stand, Corypheus has too much for us to get everyone out. We just don't have the men."

"Not to mention the tall bastard himself," Varric added, not helping at all. "He was an absolute nightmare to fight the last time, and he couldn't rip a hole in the veil then. He has to have gotten tougher since then."

"Who cares how tough Cory-whatsit is? He's a darkspawn. They die if you shoot them with enough arrows." Sera raised her voice, sounding a little frantic. Oh you have no idea how he doesn't die if you shoot him. "And this isn't even about beating him. Better question: How are we deciding who stays behind to die? I didn't sign up with the Inquisition to die on some stupid 'glory last stand' shit."

"Volunteers, obviously." Barris said, "I volunteer," He stepped forward. "If I can take as many of those traitors I once called brothers down with me, and buy time to allow everyone else to escape, I would lay my life down gladly." Amy looked around as what had to be thirty or forty people all speak up, step forward or raise a hand, volunteering as well. Including, Amy realized to her horror, her blood turning to ice, her breath catching, her chest tight -

Including Katerina and Cassandra.

Sera sputtered, clearly surprised by how many volunteers there were, but like - of course Katerina and Cassandra would volunteer for this! But - the Inquisition needed Cassandra and Katerina needed to take down Ser Jethan and -

"Ask a stupid question, Buttercup..." Varric started. She noticed he wasn't volunteering either, but then, neither were Solas, Vivienne or Dorian. Iron Bull was, surprisingly, and Cole - Cole had raised a hand as well, though she wasn't sure if he understood what he was actually doing or -

Then again, Cole was all about wanting to help people and -

Amy licked her lips, staring at Katerina and Cassandra.

No. They can't - they can't volunteer. The Inquisition needs Cassandra. She repeated the thought, but it was true. And Katerina did need to take down Ser Jethan. She needed to take that, she deserved the chance to finally do it and -

They're not allowed to die on me!

If Amy insisted, if she demanded they didn't do it, then -

They wouldn't, right? But it was -

She couldn't? How could she get to decide that Cassandra and Katerina got to live, but not the others who stayed behind to die? And could she even convince them? Given how many lives they stood to save, the chance to help take down as large a chunk of Corypheus's remaining forces here in Haven...

She didn't think either of them was cheering at the chance to volunteer to die, but it - it was the right thing. The brave thing and -

"There has to be another way!" Amy demanded. "Cullen, there has to be another option than just leaving forty of our people behind to die!"

"I don't have a better one." Cullen countered, raising his voice to match hers. He let out a long frustrated sound, not really a sigh. "There are no options that allow all of us here to get out alive. Maker, I'm surprised Corypheus isn't attacking right now as we argue about this. He won't be giving us that much more time."

"He wants us to fear. He thinks we might give him the Herald if he gives us time. I don't like him. He enjoys making us afraid." Cole supplied, ever helpful in the most upsetting way possible.

"The only other option I can think of that might buy us enough time to get everyone away still requires a sacrifice play," Cullen said. "And it almost certainly wouldn't work anyway."

"What are you talking about?" There was another option? Was there-

"The last trebuchet - the dragon hadn't destroyed it by the time we closed the doors. Assuming it hasn't now, we could turn it around, aim it at the mountain above Haven." Cullen looked at Dorian. "You're right that replicating the avalanche would be effective. If we buried Haven, it would take out all of his forces in the village, and the dungeons under the Chantry, and the tunnels would both survive the avalanche, so if we were all underground when it started -"

Cullen shook his head. "But we'd have to send a team out there, and assuming they could even fight their way through to the trebuchet without getting killed by his army or the dragon, they'd never be able to turn and fire it before the dragon blew that up too." Cullen shook his head, "And they'd die in the avalanche even if they survived all of that."

But it shouldn't require as many people, right? Especially -

Amy closed her eyes as she heard Cassandra say something, then Iron Bull, then Dorian, multiple raised voices.

Amy took in a ragged breath, her hand tightening on her staff - her knuckles were probably going white, or wound soon, and she bit her lip.

I don't want to die!

How many does he have left? Hundreds? Seven hundred? Eight hundred? Nine? Fuck if I know, but it's a lot.

But Cassandra would survive. Katerina would survive. Amy could insist they stay behind. If -

If she went out there and -

The Inquisition would need Cassandra. She could do more than Amy to - to win the fight. They didn't need her anymore. Sure, she could help with the Taint, and Lyrium addiction, and - and heal people.

But Thedas had been surviving the Taint for centuries. And the Templar's Lyrium addiction - it wasn't - it was - again, dealing for centuries... and -

They have mages and potions and -

And Amy was literally the only person who could do this. She was the reason the Dragon wouldn't destroy the Chantry.

Unbidden, a scene from the first Lord of the Rings movie came to mind, even though it was nothing like her situation, not even -

The council, at - the elf city. The one with Elrond. Everyone was yelling about who would take the ring to Mordor, and Frodo stood up, shouting 'I will take the ring!' and -

"I'll go!" Amy shouted, raising her voice, moving closer to Cullen. "I'll go to the trebuchet! I'll make sure the dragon doesn't destroy it!" Everyone in the Chantry shut up and there were two hundred (or close) pairs of eyes on her.

I don't want to die.

But her life? Against Cassandra and Katerina not dying? Against getting rid of all of Corypheus's army? Maybe even a tiny chance of killing him for good, if - if there wasn't a close enough Grey Warden for him to be reborn into?

It wouldn't be thirty or forty people to get to the Trebuchet, right? Corypheus wouldn't let his Venatori use the biggest spells and -

If they moved fast, if they were lucky, if -

If everyone ran to the dungeons as soon as she left - if

"I'll go," Amy repeated in a lower voice.

Thedas didn't need her anymore.

She didn't want to die, but -

Dying here, for all that it could accomplish?

It really was a bargain.

 

[Warer]

>.>
<.<
Dis shit is hype.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Glad to hear it!

 

[Foxfax]

"I will take the ring to Mordor! Though I do not know the way..."

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: This fic has been (correctly) noted by some as hitting a lot of stations of canon. This is true. If one really doesn't like stations of canon, this fic probably isn't for them. We are hitting another. But by now, hopefully most of you who are still here have gathered that I'm using the stations largely consciously, because they advance something I want to do with Amy's journey.

The thing is, I do tend to like a close-divergence station hitting story anyway (as anyone who reads my back catalog of fics can see), but even more, one of the things that drew me to *to* Dragon Age: Inquisition for an Amy isekai was the stations - Champions of the Just (and Envy), Here Lies the Abyss (for reasons that will be obvious when we get that far), In Hushed Whispers (Amy healing Felix) and of course, what we're in the middle of now - In Your Heart Shall Burn, and Amy's sacrifice play.

Could I have avoided this plot? Absolutely. But I didn't want to.

---

---

"AMY! NO!" Cassandra shouted, moving towards Amy.

Amy yes, Amy thought to herself, taking a breath, closing her eyes as she did so, squaring her shoulders.

This was the right choice. It would mean less people died. She could - she could justify Cassandra and Katerina not coming with her on this suicidal run to the Trebuchet better if it was a smaller group. She - she would save them all if she could but -

And it would destroy Corypheus's entire army here. It might not kill the bastard himself, but it might? There was no Grey Warden for him to move into nearby, right? So he could die if he got buried. That long shot alone wasn't worth it, but throw that long shot in with everything else?

I don't want to die.

And she didn't. She wanted to live. She wanted to go home, she wanted to figure out how High Dragons flew, she wanted to destroy the Taint, she wanted to eat at Fugly Bobs. She wanted - she wanted to read more books. She wanted to retire to some quiet little town, run a clinic for severe cases, maybe go around the country for the really, really serious shit that no one else could help with. (Not that she'd ever be able to limit herself to that little once she was back on Earth-Bet, not with how easy long-distance travel was).

She wanted to hug her sister again. She wanted to hear Cassandra say she was proud of her again. She wanted so many fucking things.

She wanted to find someone she could love and be happy with, like she had 'had' in that flash of a dream before finding Shaper.

I want to be happy, damnit!

She wanted all those things, but she also knew that she could never live with herself if she stood by and let Cassandra and Katerina and so many other people die when she could have stepped up and done something. Done the right thing.

What Would Vicky Do?

Her sister could be a reckless idiot. Not all the time, not even close, but when it really counted, when lives were on the line...

Heroes didn't just stand back and do nothing. Vicky wouldn't just run away. Not when she could have gone out, drawn Corypheus's attention, saved so many lives...

Amy had to be a hero. She had to. She had to be Panacea. She had to be Panacea, because the other option was worse. She had to do the right thing. Save lives.

"Amy, you cannot do this," Cassandra said, reaching her. "You are not- you are not going to throw your life-"

"I'm not throwing my life away!" Amy countered, raising her own voice, louder than what Cassandra had said. "I'm trading it to save as many lives as possible. I'm the only one who can make sure that any attempt to use the Trebuchet doesn't end up with that fucking dragon blowing it up before it can fire. I'm the only one who can draw Corypheus's attention-"

"And you'll die, Amy! You'll be buried by the avalanche!" Cassandra countered, looking her in the eye.

"Yes, but a lot more people will live than if I don't!" You'll live, damnit! "And we'll take out Corypheus's army! Every person those Red Templars, Venatori and Darkspawn might hurt will survive!" Amy met Cassandra's gaze. "Cassandra, we don't have time to argue this. It's like Cullen said - it's insane Corypheus hasn't attacked us yet, but he will soon." Her voice was down to a normal speaking volume, but the urgency, the fervency in her voice was the same. "I don't want to die, Cassandra, but I - I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't do this."

"You won't be able to live if you do this, Amy!" Cassandra said, no longer yelling. The seeker's voice was almost soft, and from anyone else, Amy might even have called it plaintive. "You don't need to do this. You are not what your mother thinks of you."

I-. Cassandra still didn't get it, and never would, but Amy knew the truth. Maybe -

Maybe Carol wasn't right, but she wasn't wrong.

But this wasn't even about that.

"That's not what this is about!" Amy's voice was lower now - others could probably hear them but...

"This isn't about that," Amy repeated after a moment to breathe. "This is about doing what's right. About saving more lives." Amy swallowed and licked her lips. Holding off hundreds of attackers to the bitter end to cover the retreat will take more people. If - If we just - getting me to the trebuchet to keep the Dragon from destroying it and then holding it long enough to turn it and fire it - that should be less people, right?" She looked at Cullen desperately as she asked the question. Maybe she was grasping at straws, but it made sense, and - and she needed to make sure Cassandra and Katerina didn't die.

Corypheus wanted to take his mark back. If Solas was right, he wouldn't succeed, but the man wanted to become a god. He wouldn't take 'impossible' for an answer.

This would take out his army here - he couldn't have a limitless number of Red Templars - only so many had escaped, so - it - he - and he could probably get more darkspawn but that would take time and -

It might even kill him. Not a good chance but it's something and -

Cassandra was glaring at Cullen, but the man didn't seem intimidated as he nodded slowly.

"It's possible," Cullen said quickly. "Corypheus wouldn't expect it, since a frontal assault would be incredibly stupid. But then once you were through and making for the trebuchet, Corypheus wouldn't be able to commit all his forces for fear we'd make a flanking attack from the chantry. Even that Dragon should take a few passes to break through the ceiling... a massed attack by mages to create an opening that could get you and - maybe ten people through... it's not exactly a guarantee, but if it could work-"

"You're willing to risk Amy's life on mere possibility, Cullen?!" Cassandra demanded. "How can you-"

"Amy is willing to risk her life on mere possibility," Leliana said and Amy blinked, turning to see the redhead spymaster standing next to the stairs down to the dungeon. "Cullen is merely admitting the possibility exists." Standing next to Leliana were two people that took Amy a second to place. One was Alexius, wearing robes that looked like the ones he'd worn in Redcliffe, but without the sinister looking hood.

The other was Blackwall - no, Thom Rainier. His beard was more unkempt, but he was wearing a breastplate over the same padded under armour he'd had before, and even the Gray Warden shield he'd had, as well as a sword at his belt. Neither man looked like they were underfed or abused in prison which was a good thing. Better than she might have expected in Rainier's case. Alexius at least was sort of more under house arrest, right?

"What are they - what is he doing out of his cell?!" Amy demanded, pointing at Rainier. She could almost see Alexius - his son Felix was among the fleeing civilians, so Alexius would want to fight to make sure Felix has as much time to get away as possible. But Rainier? He was a murderer! He'd killed KIDS!

"You need people willing to die to make sure everyone else can escape," Rainier said, sounding mournful - because him feeling sad makes everything better, right? "What I did, killing the family of Lord Callier and running from my crime - it was unforgivable. But there is a reason I took the name of Blackwall and pretended to be a Warden. I tried to use it to help people, to save lives. And now I have one last chance - to do some good before I face the Maker."

Amy scoffed. So he felt bad. And he wanted to make up for his sins. That - that wasn't-

"Rainier faces death for his crimes, but had he made it to the Wardens and undergone the joining, he'd have faced death against darkspawn anyway."

"He's a murderer!"

"He's a man willing to die to get you to the trebuchet, Amy," Leliana countered. "And Alexius is a magister - almost certainly more powerful than most of the Venatori mages in the attacking army, if not all of them. He can help clear the way as well."

"The Elder One will kill my son as punishment for my failure at Redcliffe," Alexius said, his voice somber and serious, low, but carrying well. "The Inquisition is all that stands between Felix and Corypheus. And you saved his life, Herald. I will give everything I have to protect you against him to make this work."

"Leliana!" Cassandra sounded betrayed, but the other woman said nothing, looking at Cassandra with one eyebrow raised very carefully. Cassandra let out a disgusted growl - a little more aggressive than her usual 'ugh' and then looked back to Amy. Amy forced herself to swallow, take a breath and endure the look of - Disappointment? Pain? Grief? - in Cassandra's eyes. Amy really wasn't sure what she was seeing. All of it? None of it?

"Amy," she said, her voice barely a whisper, "You do not have to do this."

"I do," Amy countered, just as quietly. "You volunteered for the rearguard, the people that would have to die to cover our retreat! You're saying you're allowed to give your life to save others, but - what I'm not?" Amy felt tears in her eyes, but she couldn't bring herself to care. "I want to live, I want to go home - but - but not if it means you die. I can't -" Amy choked up, unable to find the words to say... what, exactly? Amy still didn't know how to word how important Cassandra was to her. Why Cassandra mattered to her so much, why her support and kind words and being told Cassandra was proud of her mattered so much. So how could she put it into words? "I need you to live, Cassandra. Please. The Inquisition needs you. You need to live. Please, please. I need to do this." Amy was reduced to begging, pleading...

"Amy..." Cassandra started, her voice thick... Amy had no idea how Cassandra felt about her, if she was as important to Cassandra as Cassandra was to her (probably not as important, Cassandra was nowhere near as fucked up as Amy was), but - she did know Cassandra cared about her. Cassandra closed her eyes for a moment, then pulled Amy into a tight hug - Amy returned it reflexively, clinging to Cassandra. "There is no dissuading you and I -" Cassandra didn't say anything else, cutting herself off. She paused for a moment, took a breath, "Maker go with you, Amy. Whatever you believe, you are a hero. You are good. Only a hero would be willing to do what you are now."

Doing this didn't make her a hero and she hadn't been a hero before. But this was what heroes should do. And if she wanted to be a hero, wanted to be a good person, then she had to try, had to act like it. If she didn't do this, now that the option existed - if she let more people die just to save her own skin... when they didn't need her for the Breach anymore...

"Just make this worth something. Live, Cassandra. Make sure Katerina lives. Josephine too. And - and as many people as possible. And - and stop Corypheus. Promise me you'll make make sure he loses." She didn't want to die. But - if she had to - she had to make sure that her death mattered.

"I will," Cassandra promised, then she pulled away, and Amy saw the older woman blinking repeatedly, as if trying to get rid of tears. "We need to assemble the best team we can to go with Amy,": she said in a louder voice. She saw everyone that had volunteered to be part of the rearguard do so again - and a few more people to boot.

"Katerina," Amy said, walking up to her now former bodyguard, who had raised her hand again. "Youa are not coming." She clenched her jaw and crossed her arms, glaring up at Katerina.

"Amy-"

"No! I mean it! You're going with everyone that's escaping and then you're going to find Ser Jethan and you're going to bring him to justice!" Katerina deserved the chance to - to make up for her mistakes. To be able to feel like she'd - balanced the scales, or whatever before she died. She deserved the chance to do this. And Amy was going to give it to her.

Katerina glared back at her, crossing her own arms. For a split second, she thought Katerina was going to argue with her some more, then Katerina suddenly leaned down and quickly hugged Amy loosely - nothing close to as tight as how Cassandra just had, but a hug nonetheless. Shocked, it took Amy a long second to return the gesture.

"Maker damn you, you self-sacrificing idiot," Katerina said, and Amy heard tears in her words. "Make that darkspawn magister bastard pay. Make it count, Amy."

"That's - that's the plan," Amy swallowed as Katerina pulled away. "I mean it - live. You have to live."

---

It was a short matter to select the ten that would be coming with Amy - Alexius, Rainier, Aylward and seven others. Including two people who actually knew how to operate the trebuchet which... was a really good point. Amy hadn't thought of that.

Because of course I didn't. Like a fucking idiot...

Most of the Inquisition's forces were already moving into the dungeon, grabbing what they could, but the rest of the people that had volunteered to be the rearguard were staying on the surface, for now.

To give this plan the best chance, all forty-odd people would charge out as one, create an opening that Amy and her ten could get through, and then the rest would fall back into the Chantry, and immediately go for the dungeons. Cassandra and Katerina were in that group, and it would put them at risk but -

But Amy knew she wouldn't be able to convince either one to budge on this and there wasn't any more time to argue...

Together, Cullen and Cassandra flung open the doors of the Chantry, revealing a massed group of Venatori - including some big, hulking guys holding massive hammers with weird pointy helmets - and Red Templars.

And Darkspawn. But more of the other two groups.

A half dozen mages, including Alexius all threw big fireballs at the massed enemies, and as each one collided, they sent some flying, scattering the enemy like bowling pins - knocking some other, making some stumble, and straight up fucking cooking others. Amy didn't have time to think about the deaths of Corypheus's minions anymore.

With shouts of 'For the Inquisition' or 'For the Herald' (which Amy didn't even have time to be bothered by) people charged out, led by Cullen and Cassandra. Amy gripped her staff tight and raced alongside them, surrounded by four people out of her group of ten - she had to keep pace with them -

The night had taken its toll, but Amy pushed herself because she had to.

The mages sent more attacks, more targeted as the Red Templars flailed to counter the magics, but the confusion had set in, and Amy saw the enemy's formation break.

As the group around her moved, Amy could only see glimpses - she saw Katerina carve a wide arc with her blade, forcing enemies to fall back - she saw Cassandra bash her shield into a Red Templar's face and then -

"Amy! Now!" Cullen shouted, and she looked towards him - he was standing in a gap in the enemy line, a seemingly clear path ahead to the trebuchet! She swallowed and then altered course, her whole group, Rainier in the lead as they raced towards their target.

She could feel a stitch in her side, feel the start of a burn in her calves as she ran, but she ignored both, pushing herself. She'd made her choice. There was no getting out of this alive now, and she had to make sure this worked, she was going to die here in Haven, but as long as it worked, as long as it turned out to be worth it -

As long as they could get to the trebuchet and fire it and -

The templar next to her stumbled and bumped into her and Amy staggered, nearly falling to the ground - she caught herself with her staff and turned to see a knot of darkspawn and Red Templars had attacked from the side - Amy watched as battle started to rage around her and then a darkspawn snarled and slipped under the swing of Rainier, towards her - Amy yelled incoherently and swung her staff - all her staff training hadn't made her an expert, but the darkspawn was completely telegraphing and Amy managed to bash it in the sides -

As the darkspawn regained its footing, Amy had already spun her staff and she brought the other end down on the creature's shoulder - it let out a screech and dropped its sword - it lunged at Amy, but the thing's claws scraped against her armor and didn't get through (it did shred more of her already damaged and bloody robes, but she was going to die here, so what did that matter) and Amy drove the end of her staff into the stomach of the darkspawn, like it was a spear. It doubled over, the wind knocked out of it - it needed to breathe, or at least had the reflex - and then Amy lifted her staff overhead and smashed it into the creature's skull - she yelled and smashed again.

It collapsed to the ground - Amy wasn't sure if it was dead or just knocked out or what, but it didn't matter -

She saw Rainier fighting with a big, hulking darkspawn, and then a Red Templar started coming at him from behind -

It's like an Endbringer battle, and villains and heroes working together. Amy ran at the Red Templar, whose own back was to her - she remembered one of Cassandra's lessons and she poked her staff into the back of the Templar's knee, where he had no armor - he stumbled, crying out and Amy didn't give him a moment, doing the same for the other knee-

The Red Templar stumbled and Amy whacked him again, feeling her blood up, adrenaline spiking as she hit his side, and he nearly fell over sideways - Rainier managed to drive his own sword into the darkspawn in front of him, and as he yanked it out, he turned and bashed his shield into the Red Templar's face -

The armored, tainted bastard fell to the ground, and Rainier drove his blade, slick with the black-red blood of the darkspawn, into the unguarded throat of the prone Red Templar, killing him.

Out of the corner of her eye, Amy saw another Red Templar charging at them and Amy raised her staff - and then the Templar fell forward, flat on his face and behind him was a familiar blonde young man in a stupid floppy hat. He'd stabbed his blades into the gap between the Red Templar's shoulder armor and arm-armor, right into his armpits -

"COLE?! What the - you're not - you're not supposed to -!" He wasn't one of the ten!

"I'm going to help you get to the Trebuchet," Cole said, as if the sky was blue. Before she could argue, he pulled two more daggers from - somewhere - and shouted 'down!' at Amy. Heart pounding in her throat, Amy dropped to one knee and felt something whoosh overhead, where her shoulder had just been and then Cole threw the three daggers in his hand and they sailed over her head and then there was a gurgling cry and Amy looked over her shoulder to see another darkspawn, three daggers in its chest, all three had hit -

Isn't that kind of shit the shit that only happens in the movies!? WHAT THE FUCK?! That had to be some kind of spirit bullshit, right?

"Herald!" She heard one of the soldiers with her shout, and she looked to see him gesture towards the Trebuchet. There was a clear path. "We need to move, before-"

Before Corypheus figures out what we're planning. Amy ran for the Trebuchet - if she got to it first, then it would be safe -

Even with all those leg days and her staff practice and just months of walking and riding and being more physically active on Thedas than she had been back on Earth-Bet, Amy was feeling her limits, but she took as deep a breath as she could while running and pushed, feeling the burn in her legs get more intense, a burn in her lungs - she reached the Trebuchet, which rested on some sort of platform, and there were two wheels - looking like the wheels on a sailing ship connected to the platforms by metal rods that had to have gears on the inside of the platform or something as well. She had to assume that was how to turn the thing, but she didn't know which way to turn which one -

She turned and saw the ten, somehow all still alive (though one was lagging at the back, injured, but Amy didn't have time to get to him and heal him) - plus Cole - running towards the trebuchet and the two who knew how to use the same thing joined her on the platform.

She couldn't take a moment to pause and breathe - Vicky wouldn't. There wasn't time. She was committed. She had to make sure that this worked. Bury Corypheus's army. Give everyone time to escape.

"Herald!" One of the two at the trebuchet said, calling to her. She gestured towards a pile of stones - big stones, Amy guessed they had to weigh at least a hundred pounds. More? They'd have to be heavy, right? "We're loading, but you need to hold the sling stable and open!" Now she gestured towards the thing hanging off the arm, a large sling waiting to be loaded. Nodding, Amy moved to it as the other two moved to the pile of rocks.

Sling was made of leather, and connected to the arm of the trebuchet by chains - Amy grabbed the chains and spread her arms wide, holding the sling open as much as she could as the two grabbed a rock and moved as quickly as they could - which wasn't all that quickly - towards the sling to load it. Behind her, Amy could hear the sound of fighting as the others were attacked, but Amy couldn't turn, couldn't look. She had to trust that Alexius and Rainier and Aylward and Cole and the rest could hold the line -

"For the Glory of the Elder One!" She heard from the attackers, and from her own people she heard "For the Herald!" and "For the Inquisition!" Amy forced herself to keep her eyes on the two with the rock and they stepped up onto the platform and she braced herself, hoping she'd keep her grip on the damn chains and hold it and -

They dropped the rock into the sling and she felt it hit the leather, felt it strain against the chains, felt it almost pull her with it as it went down a little, the arm moving under the weight, but then it was loaded.

"That wheel! Start turning it to the right!"

Amy looked where the soldier was pointing, which wheel she was gesturing at and Amy nodded, while the other soldier moved to the other wheel and they both started turning - the thing resisted, it wasn't a simple 'just turn it and it works' thing, but Amy kept going, feeling a strain in her shoulders as she pulled on it. They were close. They just had to aim it right and then fire and then -

And then she would die in the ensuing avalanche, but it would kill all of Corypheus's army and make sure that they couldn't chase everyone through the tunnels and - that - that was enough. It had to be enough.

I'm sorry Vicky. I wanted to make it home. But I can't let Cassandra and Katerina die. I can't let so many people down. Thedas needs the Inquisition, and the Inquisition needs Cassandra.

She felt tears in her eyes and she didn't try to blink them away as she turned the wheel, the platform moving in front of her, slowly, the massive siege engine turning towards the mountain that hung over Haven, the mountain that would bury them all.

I'm -

I'm sorry Carol. I know you didn't want me and I'm sorry for - for existing, but I -

Amy wasn't even sure where that thought was going - she shook her head and saw the fighting out of the corner of her eye - Cole was surrounded by enemies, and he was ducking and weaving and dodging around the attacks, slashing at exposed limbs or anything else his daggers could reach, even his stupid had somehow not getting hit. Meanwhile, Blackwall and another soldier were back to back, while Alexius stood in the middle of shimmering magical barriers, dueling with Venatori mages - their attacks broke against his barriers and his attacks were killing or seriously wounding them.

"Almost there, Herald!" The soldier still on the platform said, holding her arm up towards the mountain, gauging the trajectory of the trebuchet.

Cassandra lives. Katerina lives. Josephine lives. Everyone but the people with me now live. And Corypheus loses his army. Maybe even a tiny chance Corypheus dies.

Even now, Amy didn't want to die. She wanted to live, she wanted that chance to find happiness, to find someone she could love and be happy with that wasn't Victoria. She wanted to read the Roaraxia books again and pet a Dragonling and perfect the elfroot-inspired stem-cell stuff, and find a way to destroy the Taint forever and -

She wanted so many things.

But she couldn't have them, and -

I'm going to die, and that's -

That's okay. It's worth it. My life for all theirs.

"AND STOP!" The soldier on the platform shouted, and Amy did so. The Treubchet was in position, and now it was time to fire -

Before the other two could move to fire it, the ground began to shake violently - it reminded Amy of the feeling of Shaper shaking her 'mindscape' to mess with Envy, but this was reality. She lurched, stumbled, grabbed onto the raised platform and held on for dear life - the two trebuchet handers weren't so lucky - the one on the platform fell off of it, and the other, the one by the other wheel, fell, face almost smashing into the ground, catching himself with a thrown out arm, but still sprawled on the icy, hard ground. Amy looked over her shoulder and let out a gasp as a hole in the ground seemed to open up as the ground shook, like a goddamn chasm in an earthquake in a movie - okay, no it was just the one hole and it wasn't getting bigger. It was maybe twenty feet away, if that, and Amy looked to the the other eight -

The four left, she realized, plus Cole. Rainier, Aylward, Alexius and one other. Aylward had fallen and was being helped up by Rainier, while the others had kept their footing -

The dragon roared overhead, and Amy scrambled, trying to get onto the platform. She wasn't sure how to fire the trebuchet, but - could she figure out? She had to - they were - they were so close, she had to -

She had to stay close to the thing so the dragon or archdemon or whatever the fuck it was wouldn't hit the trebuchet with it's firebreath.

Corypheus wants me alive...

But instead of targeting the trebuchet, as Amy got onto the platform and turned to see the five left standing in the way of any more attackers, the Dragon swooped down low and a ball of fire, massive, flew from its ground and hit the ground in front of the fire - Alyward and Rainier and the other one were sent flying from the force of the impact, and the way Alyward's body hit the ground, his neck -

Dead.

Alexius had managed to stay on his feet, his barrier absorbing the shockwave, and Cole had been close enough to Alexius to be covered by the barrier, it looked like, but -

Amy didn't have time to process - her breath caught, but she forced herself to look away. The two trebuchet handlers were trying to climb to their feet and Amy reached down and held out a hand, helping one stand - they'd know how to fire this thing. They didn't have much time, they couldn't -

Rainier was lying still on the ground not far from the platform, and Amy couldn't even see the other one now, and she wrenched her eyes away again.

"ENOUGH!" A voice called out in a deep, booming voice. Fire blazed on the ground in a semi-circle in front of Alexius and Cole, and then three shapes drew closer, the fires parting -

Lighting flew from the central figure and it connected with the two soldiers, one on the platform, the other still climbing on, Amy's hand on his -

Amy cried out in pain and shock and terror as the electricity hit her and it felt like every nerve in her body went into overdrive for a few seconds - she jolted and twitched and - it wasn't as bad as the mark could make her left arm get but it was all over and -

She fell off the platform and crashed into the hard ground - somehow her nose didn't break, but she managed to roll over onto her back so she could breathe easier as some measure of control returned to her body -

No. No. The two who knew how to fire the trebuchet were dead - she'd felt the lightning give the one she'd been helping up die, his heart stopping -

They were so close. They'd been so close.

All they'd needed to do was fire the trebuchet and -

No. No. God. No, Amy tried to push herself to her feet as the three figures became more distinct.

In the center was a tall, misshapen, gangly looking thing, inhumanly tall and inhumanly gangly, and the hands ended in claws - even if the silhouette didn't look so much like the 'echo' of Corypheus in the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes so long ago (and it did), the sight of Lyrium, Red Lyrium growing out of the monster's face would have made it clear to Amy that this was Corypheus...

"I grow tired of this delay!" Corypheus spat. Amy licked her lips and pushed at the ground, trying to get to her feet. Her body was responding, but sluggish, slow - she had to move faster!

"Corypheus," Alexius said, his voice strained, sounding like he was tired, exhausted, but still defiant. "You will go no further!" He threw a jet of fire at Corypheus, but the darkspawn magister raised up his right hand - which held a glowing green orb - and the flames dissipated against a barrier.

Amy's left hand twinged as she saw the orb, and the shade -

It was the same shade as the rifts. As her mark when it really got glowy.

Cole was nowhere to be seen, and Amy hoped he was getting away - she couldn't believe he could kill Corypheus, and -

"Alexius," Corypheus said, as Alexius tried again, sending a spike of ice at the darkspawn that shattered against the barrier, "Your betrayal is as pathetic as it is irrelevant. Your son shall be consumed by the Taint, and you shall die, and I shall have the 'Herald' that you have turned on me for."

"My son is free of the Taint, saved by the Herald and far away from here! You will never touch him, and I will die before you touch her!" Alexius said through gritted teeth, and Amy finally managed to get herself up into a sitting position. She reached up, trying to grab onto the platform to use it to leverage herself up - again...

"Then die you shall. Samson - kill him." The one on Corypheus's left was a tall, sallow-faced, sunken-eyed man with black hair, wearing full armor. Alexius flung lighting at the man - Samson (where had Amy heard that name before in Thedas?) and the electricity just sort of 'flowed' around the armor, seeming to not hurt Samson at all and the man drove his sword into Alexius's chest, despite the man's attempts to evade the blow.

"I shall make sure your son follows you soon into death, one way or the other, Alexius," Corypheus promised as Samson pushed Alexius's body off his sword. He opened his mouth to say something else, raising his right hand, the orb glowing -

And then his body arched a little and Cole appeared behind him, daggers driven into his body, where kidneys might be on a human of comparable size -

Not that Corypheus was a human of comparable size because he had to be at least ten feet tall, she realized, seeing Cole right behind him like that.

Corypehus grabbed Cole by the neck, lifting him and flinging him to the ground in front of him.

"Pain. Pain. You're hurting, You're angry - I feel the anger. You're using the anger to hide -"

"Begone, Spirit!" Corypheus said, waving his right hand and Cole's head snapped to the side as if he'd been slapped across the face. "Calpurnia. Deal with this one," he waved his empty hand lazily to the person on his right, and as they stepped forward, through the smoke, Amy saw that they were a severe-looking blonde woman, her hair done up in a simple bun, and she wore robes reminiscent of Dorian's, but her shoulders and her upper arms were bare despite the chill air of Haven at night. The woman - Calpurnia - had a staff in her hand, and she waved it at Cole.

"NO!" Amy shouted as she managed to get onto her feet - she just had to get onto the platform -

No. No. God. No.

Cole went flying, crying out in surprise and shock and his body sailed over the stone wall, towards the wooden outer walls of Haven - she didn't see him land, too busy trying to make his sacrifice count -

It's just me now. I need to get that thing to fire - just - She was on the platform, on all fours - she could just scamper across and to the mechanisms at the base of it - surely it was just a lever or-

Amy felt something wrap around her torso, like a massive hand around her waist, holding her tight, holding her fast - she couldn't move- she struggled against its grip, gasping, desperately flailing -

No! NO! Amy gasped, hyperventilating, she had to - oh gods, no she had to she had to fire the trebuchet! She had to make it count. She had to make this worth it!

She was lifted into the air by the 'hand' (which she couldn't see) that was holding her and she was yanked through the air, floating in front of Corypheus.

"And you. Your meddling ends now. Your feeble efforts to wield forces beyond your ken end now." Corypheus waved his empty hand dismissively. "Samson. Calpurnia. Return to the Chantry. Purge everyone trapped inside and burn it to the ground."

Calpurnia and Samson both inclined their heads, pressing a closed fist to their chests and then they turned.

Trapped inside. He doesn't - have they not attacked the Chantry? Does he not know about the tunnels?

Then that meant that -

At least half of this worked. The others had to have escaped by now.

It's not enough. I failed at the end but Katerina will live. Cassandra will live. Cassandra will make him pay. She'll stop Corypheus...

Amy 'felt' the 'hand' around her torso 'let go' and she dropped onto the ground with a yelp in an unceremonious heap - she landed on her right arm and cried out in pain at the way it hit the ground and her body hit it. FUCK that hurt! It felt like a fracture, maybe, but that didn't matter. She could handle that. She struggled, trying to get onto her feet, looking up at Corypheus.

"I know not how you tricked Alexius into thinking you 'saved' his son from the Taint, nor how a mere child survived the onslaught of Envy," Corypheus held out his right hand, the orb glowed and suddenly Amy was floating again, but this time as if dangling by her left hand - Corypheus's left hand grabbed her wrist - skin contact. Maybe she could stun him or slow him or -

Corypheus's 'biology' flooded her biokinetic sense and -

It was Taint.

Just Taint. There was nothing else. No bits of human. No comprehensible DNA. Everything was Taint, even his bones were Taint! The bones that his pale skin was stretched taught over (she could fucking count his ribs!) were fucking Taint!

Amy couldn't do anything to him, there was no actual biology to grab onto and use against him, it was just Taint, and Taint and more Taint and -

What the fuck!? White hot disgust and rage filled her, she knew it had to be mostly Shaper, but it was -

HE WAS JUST TAINT!

The ground shook again as the Dragon landed behind Corypheus, and despite everything, despite the rage and fear and panic and desperation warring in Amy as she realized the desperate gamble to fire the trebuchet was impossible now, she tried to get a look at the creature, it's long, sinuous neck stretching out as it prowled towards its master, towards her -

Is that Red Lyrium growing out of its neck?! IS THAT RED LYRIUM GROWING OUT OF IT'S NECK?! Had Corypheus fed a dragon Red Lyrium? What the fuck? What the absolute motherfucking -

WHY? Why would he do something so fucking vile and monstrous and - he was evil and a darkspawn and insane but -

But -

But -

HOW? How could he be that evil?! He ruined the Dragon! RUINED it!

Amy managed to pull her thoughts up short as she realized how much she was letting Shaper run away with itself in terms of making her angry - she was sure a lot of that had to be here, but she felt like she was foaming at the mouth and if she wasn't dangling by one arm, Amy felt like she'd be clawing at her own face, she was so angry.

SHAPER. This is not the time!

"But it was all for naught." Corypheus continued, lifting her up to look her in the eye, his arm held high over his head. Amy flailed, trying to punch him or kick him or anything - her foot managed to connect with his chest, but all she managed to do was hurt her toes as it connected with a metal plate that seemed fucking embeded in his chest.

"It worked well enough to close the Breach you opened, didn't it?!" Amy shouted, trying to channel her sister, giving it her best false bravado. Victoria Dallon - Glory Girl - would be defiant to the end.

I'm going to die, but I'm not giving him a fucking inch!

"To no avail. When I reclaim the Anchor, I will begin again," Corypheus said, as if he was declaring the sky blue and the ocean wet.

Anchor? Does he mean the mark? Why the fuck is he calling it an 'Anchor'?

Corypheus continued to monologue like the cliched dark lord archetype he was as Amy tried to break free of a grip that seemed too strong for such a thing, bony arm.

Amy got a better look at the orb Corypheus was holding - it was the size of her fist, closed, maybe a little bigger, with weird groves or... lines on it, in whorls and swirls like a fingerprint.

"You interrupted a ritual years in the planning and stole its purpose. That you had the gall to use it to undo my work matters not." The orb in Corypheus's hand glowed even brighter and then a stream of brilliant green energy flowed from it to her left hand, to the mark. "What you used to flail at rifts, I crafted to assault the very heavens themselves."

Amy gritted her teeth as she felt... something in her hand. It was like a tugging, against not the mark, but her hand, her skin, her bones - it was light, nothing was being pulled in a particular direction so much as the feeling of tugging, of pulling -

"Yeah, you, I know. You think you can become a god. It won't fucking work!" He wasn't going to get the mark - the Anchor - back and Amy refused to believe that 'become a god' was an achievable plan for anyone, even in a bullshit fantasy world like Thedas. "And even if you do, nobody's going to worship a Tainted freak like you! Especially after you fucking RUINED that dragon!"

"You shout uselessly into the dark, as all mortals do when faced with forces beyond their understanding," Corypheus said. "The process of reclaiming the Anchor begins now." The stream of green energy connecting the orb and the 'Anchor' on her left hand grew brighter, bigger and the faint tugging sensation she'd felt before got stronger.

Amy screamed, pain filling her, drowning out the rage she'd felt at Corypheus's insane Taint-only 'biology' and his desecration of the dragon. The tugging feeling on her hand, her skin, her bones grew more intense, but continued to be directionless - but now it was also omnidirectional, as if her left hand and all parts of it were being pulled apart in all directions, from all angles... and also none. She couldn't breathe, could barely thinl, could only feel as she tried to endure the pain - it wasn't the same as when she closed rifts, or closed the Breach, but it was just as intense as the later now - she wanted her skin and bones and her entire hand gone - she'd gladly cut off her hand right now to stop from feeling this pain.

Fuck, she'd fucking chew it off!

She could hear Corypheus monologuing, but she couldn't make out the words, the pain too much for her to handle - more screams spilling from her lips and then -

The pain in her left arm abruptly receded to a dull ache and she was once again dropped to the ground unceremoniously, landing on her right arm again which once more made her cry out in pain and she was left gasping for breath, unable to make herself take a deep breath yet as she struggled to stand or at least sit up or something.

"The Anchor is permanent. You have spoiled it with your stumbling." Corypheus declared.

So Solas was right. He can't take it back. That's - that's good. He can't use it to... do whatever it was that he was trying to do with the ritual I interrupted.

The fact that Corypheus said it was years in the planning probably meant he couldn't just do the same ritual all over again.

Amy managed to get to her knees, using her left arm to push herself up, trying not to move her right arm (which was definitely fractured now) too much, gasping. She looked past Corypheus and then blinked as she saw movement out of the corner of her eye...

Rainier, she realized after a moment. He was on his hands and knees, crawling towards the trebuchet and its platform. Moving slow and staying low to avoid being noticed by the dragon.

If I can distract Corypheus, if I can make sure he and the dragon don't notice Rainier... this was like an Endbringer fight. They were on the same side. She had to help Rainier. If he could fire the trebuchet, then this could all be worth it.

"So be it," Corypheus continued, talking at her rather than to her. "I will find another way. I will give this world the nation and god it deserves. You should beg that I succeed, for I have seen the throne of the gods - and it was empty."

The throne of the gods was empty? What the hell does that mean? If there's no gods, then there wouldn't be a fucking throne for them?!

Thedas was a fantasy universe, so if it had turned out the Maker was real, that the elven Gods were real, that the Old Gods really were gods, she'd have almost accepted it as making sense. But if Corypheus was right - big if - then... there just was no Maker? No Old Gods (then what are archdemons?)

"Big fucking deal!" Amy doubted the false bravado as she struggled to her feet was all that convincing, but she needed to keep Corypheus's eyes on her. She saw Ranier get closer to the platform and now he was trying to get on it without making noise, without drawing attention to himself -

"Of course it's empty! There are no fucking gods!" Amy had been an atheist pretty much from the moment she'd given it any thought. She didn't really think about it much once deciding 'I don't think God exists' and hating religious fundamentalists and people who'd acted like God had given her her powers, but she was an atheist.

She didn't go around telling people the Maker straight up didn't exist, because... that seemed like a bad idea, but yeah, he probably didn't. And again, if Corypheus could be believed...

"Boo hoo, you gave Thedas the Blight and now you're whiny that your whole religion was for nothing and breaking into the Black City didn't get you anywhere." Amy continued, shouting as loud as she could manage, her throat straining and feeling raw after all the screaming. If she wasn't going to die in the next few minutes she'd be worried about losing her voice.

But she was. So who cared?

"You're a taint-ridden freak! You ruined a dragon with Red Lyrium! You're out here trying to become a god and whining that I ruined your ritual! It probably wasn't a very good ritual if I could just stumble in and steal the whole point of it!" Seriously, what kind of ritual that took 'years' to plan was hijackable like that?

Corypheus is probably just stupid and didn't plan for anything going wrong.

"Silence!" Corypheus shouted, sounding genuinely angry, the words coming out in a snarl. He backhanded her with his empty hand and Amy felt her head snap back and to the side under the blow - she brought her left hand up to her cheek and pressed and let out a pained hiss. Had he fucking fractured her cheekbone?

"Your incessant meddling ends here. I will not suffer it any longer." Corypheus pulled back his right hand, the orb glowing again, fire gathering in his other hand. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rainier standing next to the Trebuchet, sword drawn, and then she heard Rainier's voice, shouting defiantly.

"The stories about magisters are true. You all talk too much!" Blackwall said, drawing Corypheus's attention - and then kicked at a winch on the side of the trebuchet, sending it spinning, a chain being undone rapidly. "In Death, Sacrifice!"

The reaction was immediate - the counterweight of the engine dropped, the arm flew up - and the stone she'd watched those two soldiers load minutes ago was flung into the night sky, sailing the distance towards the mountain looming over Haven, and she could have sworn she saw the movement on the mountain the moment the stone hit it. And moments later, she heard a rumbling as snow definitely started rolling rapidly down the slope towards Haven.

Towards them.

Corypheus said nothing, but the dragon wrapped its tail around Corypheus's waist and deposited him on its back, leaping up into the sky, roaring, wings spread wide.

He's leaving. Does that mean the avalanche really would have killed him? Or does he just not want to experience dying again? It would probably hurt, right?

Especially if he didn't die immediately, and was crushed under the snow and ice and rock but didn't perish for hours or days...

Oh god, I hope that doesn't happen to me. She looked at the avalanche that was moving rapidly towards her, towards the Trebuchet - she hears shouts of alarm and saw torch-bearing figures trying to run away from the village as the Chantry was covered with snow, and then wooden buildings were smashed under the weight of literal tons of ice and snow subjected to gravity's cruel force and rolling down from the slope...

Just kill me quickly. I don't want to die, but it -

I did what I had to do.

"Herald, they still need you!" Rainier shouted, his voice seemingly at her ear, and she turned - she was only halfway in the turn, the snow mere seconds away and she saw him, next to her - and then his hands connected with her side and she was shoved, pushed bodily, stumbling, towards the hole in the ground that had opened earlier -

She hit the lip of the hole, dangled there for a second, arms instinctively flailing as she tried to find some purchase -

She lost that last fleeting bit of footing as Rainier shoved her again, the avalanche following her down the hole as she fell, hitting the side, tumbling, rolling - she cried out as she crashed into something solid, cold, hard with force, a stabbing pain in her thigh, more pain blossoming in her right arm -

And then -

Nothing.

---

---

Author's Note: I will just say this now so no one worries. Best Boy Cole is not dead. Blackwall aka Thom Rainier, is indeed dead. Sorry to the fans of his, but he was doomed pretty much the moment Amy realized he wasn't a Warden.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: I want to make it 110% clear. This is not canon to this series. This is a (hopefully) funny joke of an Omake inspired by jokes and discussions in my channel in the Gaylor Discord server.

This is not canon to this fic. Amy is not actually having this dream as she lies unconscious in the tunnel she fell in. None of what the Maker says here is really canon to this fic.

---

I should be in pain. She had been in pain the last thing she remembered. Her fractured right arm, the dull ache in her left after Corypheus tried to take the Anchor back. There was the stabbing pain in her thigh, and her whole body should be aching from hitting the sides of the hole as she fell down it and then hit the bottom of the hole. She didn't feel any of it.

Of course, she should also be dead and buried under all the ice, snow and rocks that fell down on Haven and would have buried her in the hole Blackwall had shoved her into. She could only assume that was him trying to give her a chance to live... but she'd be buried under a damn avalanche, if she lived. She'd die of hunger eventually, or freeze to death.

But she wasn't in pain now, she was probably dead. But she was conscious. Which meant... there was some kind of afterlife.

But there was a distinct lack of the feeling of being on fire. Or being poked by demons with pitchforks. Or anything she'd associate with hell. She could have ended up in Heaven, against all odds (something she'd never have imagined a few months ago), but she didn't hear harps or feel a breeze or whatever either.

If she was in Heaven, someone would realize she didn't belong here purely on the basis of being an atheist soon enough, right?

Most likely, Hell (and Heaven) didn't exist, even if some kind of afterlife did - assuming she was dead - and she was in... something else. Or maybe because she died on Thedas, she went to wherever Thedosian sinners and unbelievers went. Something about a void, maybe? That sounded right. A void away from the Maker's side or whatever.

"If I'm in some sort of void for not believing in the Maker and... everything else, that would explain why I can't see anything..." Amy mused aloud, a little surprised - even though she supposed she shouldn't be - that her voice showed none of the strain she'd had moments before from all her screaming.

"Or your eyes could still be closed," a feminine voice said near her. The voice was - melodious, a harmony of beauty and wonder. Then there was a laugh, a shining ray of sun after a rainstorm.

"What the fuck, why am I suddenly thinking like a poet?" She was also confused as to why she suddenly realized only now that her eyes were closed. She opened them and the first thing she saw a.. Woman. A perfectly ordinary woman.

Her bright red hair - brighter than Katerina's by several shades - the woman looked to be in her mid-40s, her hair done up in a sensible bun. She was wearing a dark green plain dress a lot like the ones she'd seen on older women in Haven or the Crossroads or other villages on Thedas. Homespun and made of probably wool and kind of layered and with lots of pockets. She had a yellow shawl wrapped around her shoulders, looking like it was kitted or crocheted or something.

"Who are-" Amy started, looking around. She was... in a living room? A normal living room that wouldn't have been out of place anywhere on Earth-Bet. There were armchairs, a couch, pictures on the walls, a TV... "Where am I?" If Hell looked like a suburban living room, that would... almost make sense?

"In order: My husband loves my singing voice and my laugh so much he made it impossible for mortals to describe my voice with 'mundane' descriptors. I am Andraste. You are in my home." She ticked off on her fingers as she answered each question.

Amy blinked. "You said that with such a straight face, as if any of that makes sense." She was - she wasn't looking at Andraste. That was impossible. She was not in the home of the 'husband' of Andraste. That was - the Maker. Because she refused to believe that the Maker's house looked so goddamn normal. He was - shouldn't he live in some heavenly palace? That was a plasma widescreen TV for fuck's sake.

And the woman - she couldn't be Andraste. She looked too normal! She wasn't ugly - she was even moderately pretty, in a normal sort of way. She looked mid-40s, and she had the look of a woman who had had a few children and never quite fully lost all the baby weight from any of them.

"You know, my husband thinks atheists are fun, always likes to debate them for an hour whenever they show up, but I don't have the patience for that." Andraste reached over and took Amy's hand. Her power sense picked up... nothing, but somehow, she felt, experienced a vastness, a grand expanse of golden light. A presence that wrapped around her. She gasped, rolling back as she sat on the floor away from Andraste, letting go of the other woman.

"What did you -" Amy started, on the verge of hyperventilating, looking at the woman who absolutely couldn't be Andraste, but who she knew had to be. "Did you - " she scrambled back., "Did you just Master me?"

Andraste laughed, golden of rain patter on a piano, the delight of a fluffy kitten on a bad day - STOP THAT. Amy was already tired of that.

"No. I appreciate why you think that, but what I did was far simpler - I exposed your soul to a tiny glimpse of my divinity. It's just a fragment of what my husband has. But divinity can't actually be denied by mortals. Once you experience it... you know it's true. It's a fixed fact of the universe for you."

"...that sure sounds a fuck of a lot like Mastering."

"I'm no more Mastering your mind than you touching a hot stove and feeling burnt is a Striker hurting you, Amy."

Amy opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, and tried to say 'You're not Andraste' but... she couldn't command her mouth to form the words. She knew they were a lie, at the core of her being.

"You don't look like what I thought Andraste would look like," Amy finally managed, and Andraste let out a long suffering sigh. "You get that a lot?"

"You have no idea." Andraste rolled her eyes. "So what is it? That I'm not blonde? That I don't look like some warrior woman who led an army across a continent in armor and bearing a sword?" She raised an eyebrow, "Or did you expect someone with 'magnificent tits' like your 'friend' Katerina would put it." Andraste actually held up her hands and did airquotes when she said friend.

"Why would you - I mean - Katerina - she is my friend, but I -" Amy flushed, trying not to look at Andraste's chest - not that the dress did more than generally suggest she had breasts on the larger side, fitting for the appearance of someone who had had multiple kids and looked to be in her 40s. "I can't exactly see your -" Amy cut herself off as she realized the implications of what she was saying, "Not that I'm asking you to-"

"Amy, take a breath," Andraste insisted, and Amy shut up. "I won't tell you why I referred to Katerina like that, because that would be spoilers." Spoilers? What the - "As for my breasts..." Andraste shrugged, "I've never been attracted to the feminine form, mind you, so I imagine I'm not the best judge, but I've always felt like my breasts were pretty average."

"I've always thought they were very lovely myself," A masculine voice that was otherwise so nondescript she couldn't think of a single word to describe its sound or tone, even when she tried. She turned to look at the speaker. They were... male. They wore a blacksmith's apron and had a bunch of tools poking out of pockets in the apron, and he had a modern welder's mask covering his face. He lifted the mask and...

He had a face. It was male. He had eyes and a nose and a mouth and ears and hair and -

She just could not come up with words to describe any of it. It was like she was looking at the literal definition of 'nondescript'.

"You're biased," Andraste said, standing and turning to what Amy had to assume was the Maker. "And you have to say that sort of thing or I'll make you sleep in that cot in your workshop." She leaned in and gave the Maker a quick kiss on the cheek, then looked back at Amy. "Amy, this brilliant idiot is my husband. You've heard of him as the Maker. Love, this is Amy Dallon."

"Amy..." He mouthed the name, as if confused, like he'd heard the name before, then he grinned. "Right! Amy Dallon. Panacea - or PanPan as that clever dwarf keeps calling you!" He moved closer and grabbed Amy's hand and pumped it up and down enthusiastically as he shook her hand. Amy stared at him, not trying to pull her hand back as he kept going.

"Big fan of your work. Curing someone of the Taint by just making them spit out chunks of it? Absolutely masterful, never would have thought of that. And then getting the Templars and mages to help you with the Breach, at the same time!? Inspired!"

"What?" Amy stammered after a long, confused moment. "You're real?" Obviously he was, but -

"I mean, I was last time I checked," he poked his chest, then turned to Andraste. "Dear, am I real?"

"To my occasional annoyance, yes," Andraste told him. The Maker looked back at Amy.

"See? My wife says I'm real, so I am, unless you want to start getting philosophical about -"

"Let's assume I don't.," Amy said, and she saw the Maker frown in disappointment. "But that - does that mean that - the Christian... Jewish... Muslim, whatever else he is too, God is real? Like with Jesus and Noah and Eden and stuff?"

"Yes and no," The Maker said, fingers on his chin.

"Yes and no? Whether or not 'God' exists feels like it should have a definitive answer?!"

"Well, the thing is, he does exist... just... not on Earth-Bet?" The Maker sounded genuinely apologetic, which somehow annoyed Amy even more.

"He exists, but not on Earth-Bet? What does that mean?!" Amy demanded, raising her voice.

"First, calm down, Amy. Have a cookie," Andraste said, and suddenly there was a plate of cookies warm from the oven in one hand. Amy let out a 'gah' sound then grabbed one of the cookies. It didn't have any visible... bits in it, so sugar cookie maybe? She took a bite. It had this sweet, caramel or toffee like flavor, with a hazelnut like taste at the end? It was... really good, and despite herself Amy let out a soft moan at the taste.

"This is unfairly delicious."

"You could almost say my wife's cooking is... divine, huh. Huh?" The maker raised an eyebrow, holding a hand out like a standup comedian trying to get a laugh from a disinterested room. Andraste whapped him on the back of his head gently, and for some reason, Amy expected to hear a sitcom laugh track.

"Get on with it dear. That cot in your workshop is looking quite lonely, lately," Andraste told the Maker, who nodded.

"Right." The maker said, then repeated himself. "Right. Where were we? Oh yes, Yahweh, Jehovah, Elohim - the guy who is always changing his name and appearance at parties. Remember when he came to our 500th anniversary as a burning bush? He's always so pretentious." He shook his head, and then, "Anyway - the short answer to your question is that Earths Bet and Aleph are not the only versions of your world out there. Yahweh has paid me licensing fees for at least a hundred thousand versions of Earth, but he's only 'real' on about... ten thousand of them? Something like that. And the whole Eden and Noah things are real to varying degrees on those ten thousand."

The Maker shook his head. "I don't know how he does it. One world with mortals is too much for me sometimes."

Amy blinked. Then she blinked again.

I suppose it feels fitting that God exists and yet Earth-Bet is literally godforsaken.

"So I'm... right to be an atheist on Earth-Bet?" Amy exhaled. "How can he be real on -" She pinched the bridge of her nose. "The long answer would be really long, right?"

"It would take you a few hundred years of studying 7th dimensional metaphysics, and you don't have that kind of time."

"...why not? I'm dead." Not that Amy wanted to spend hundreds of years of her being dead studying physics, but - "Wait. If God - Christian God, Yahweh, whatever - isn't real on Earth-Bet, than that means there's no afterlife there, right? Is that why I'm here? Because I died on Thedas?"

"Dying on the world Thedas is on - I really should get around to giving the planet a proper name, it's just got a numerical designation - does bring you to the afterlife of that world," the Maker 'explained'. "But also... you're not dead." He looked at Andraste, "You didn't tell her?"

"I was getting there, and then you showed up and we got sidetracked."

"I fell down a hole in the middle of an avalanche! Of course I'm dead! I broke my bones or got crushed or - or something... Why would I be here if I was alive, not hurting?"

"Because I brought you up here for a little chat," Andraste said.

"And that hole Blackwall pushed you into was a tunnel. You hit the bottom and rolled. You're banged up - really banged up - but alive. As long as you find your way out - and you will - you'll be found by the people you bought time for to escape Haven." The Maker explained. "Cassandra Pentaghast and Katerina chief among them."

Amy let out a breath. "So they got away?"

"Everyone but the people who died there at the Trebuchet got away," the Maker confirmed and Amy felt her shoulders sag. Then she processed something else the Maker had said.

"When they find me. So - you didn't take me here so you could say 'congrats on closing the Breach, here's a portal home, job well done?'Or anything like that?"

"Technically, Corypheus isn't dead," The Maker started but he went on quickly, before Amy could do more than inhale sharply. "But more importantly, I can't actually send you back to Earth-Bet."

"You're a God!"

"Of the worlds in my power. So I could send you to one of the other ones, but they don't have people."

"...I'm not ruling that out." Amy said, not really meaning it, but tempted for half a second.

"There's also no books or coffee on them."

"...nevermind." Now she wasn't even tempted. "If you can't send me back to Earth-Bet because you - what don't have power there, then how did I end up in Thedas? WHY did I end up in Thedas? WHY ME!?" She shouted the last two words.

"I didn't take you from Earth-Bet. I took you from the void between worlds. That crazy woman with the bombs is the one who put you there."

...so I can blame it on Bakuda?

Amy didn't remember being in a void between worlds, but then, she didn't remember anything between Bakuda's bomb went off and waking up in the cell. And also... did she want to remember being in a place called a 'Void'? Wouldn't that be some blank featureless place. How long had she -

"Wait, was I in the Void for long? Is Earth-Bet-"

"You were in the Void for a few minutes, don't worry. And just so you don't worry about it, your sister is alive and unharmed. She's been dealing with a lot, from the glimpse I took at Earth-Bet a little bit ago, but she's alive."

Amy let out a breath, feeling her shoulders sag again. She looked down at the ground, then took another bite of her cookie. Damn, that was good. Like, seriously, what the fuck how could any cookie, even one made by a God, be this good?

"Okay, fine," Amy said, trying to force herself to stay calm. She took a breath. Then another. "Okay. So why me? Why did you pluck me out of the Void?"

"Would you have rather stayed there?"

"Not the point! Why did you put me in Thedas in position to stop Corypheus. Or was that an accident?"

"No, no, that was on purpose."

"Then why me? You - you have an entire continent worth of people who follow you you could have picked!"

"There really wasn't anyone physically present at the Conclave that would have been better than you," The Maker explained. "I didn't expect you to be able to save people from the Taint, but your healing abilities were going to be really useful and I could be sure you wouldn't try to misuse the Inquisition's power or the authority from everyone deciding my wife and I sent you."

"I - I can't possibly have been better than all the people at the Conclave!"

"You absolutely were."

"Bullshit!"

"No, it's true."

"Then send someone else! You knew what he was planning in time to send me there, what did you only figure it out five minutes before he nabbed Divine Justinia?" Andraste gave her husband a knowing smirk, and the Maker bit his lip and looked down sheepishly. "Wait, what? You - How could you - you're the Maker! You're supposed to be omniscient!"

"Well, I'm not. No God is, except maybe Ao or Illuvatar, and they cheat, and only for certain of their worlds anyway." The Maker shrugged. "And it wasn't five minutes! It was three days. There was no way I could get anyone to the Temple of Sacred Ashes in time that would have been better."

"THREE DAYS? I - Corypheus was running around for years!"

"He only got really dangerous on a mass scale after he got that orb of his." The Maker muttered something under his breath, something about a wolf and being irresponsible, "And even then, I didn't really realize what he was up to because..." he looked away, then lowered his voice... "I don't really pay much attention to Thedas day to day."

"WHAT?"

"I have an entire planet to manage! I've been busy custom designing a new planet for Ao - that smug jerk keeps demanding taller mountains and more floating islands and getting those right isn't actually easy! And- Thedas is too depressing to pay close attention to." He gestured at his wife, "Keeping an eye on it is Andraste's job anyway."

Did he just throw his wife under the bus?

"Yes, and I'm even less omniscient than you are, so don't go blaming this on me. It's not my fault you don't want to watch Thedas."

"It kind of is, dear, since the Chantry is most of the reason why I'm so depressed every time I look at Thedas. I didn't want them to do that to the Elves!"

"You think I did?"

"You didn't do a very good job of making sure they wouldn't!"

"I'm sorry, I was a little too busy overthrowing the Tevinter Imperium and then getting betrayed by Maferath and burned alive!" Andraste growled.

"SHUT UP!" Amy raised her voice before they went on with what she assumed was a very familiar argument. "There isn't a laugh track, and you two are not a sitcom about a suburban couple!" She was a little surprised they both shut up, and that they both had the decency to look sheepish. "You're a GOD. What kind of God doesn't pay attention to part of their own creation because it's depressing!"

"You can't tell me Thedas isn't depressing. Oppression, bigotry, hatred, war, Blights, good people getting dragged down by the weight of it all all the time, blood magic, Tevinter, the Qunari-"

"Of course Thedas is depressing. Thedas fucking sucks!" Amy shouted. "But I'm not the one who created it!"

"That makes it even more depressing! I'm the one who sent humans into Thedas in the first place after that stupid wolf idiot wrecked the place and look how that turned out! Tevinter!" The Maker grimaced. "Every time I try to help Thedas out, it goes wrong. Andraste's the only good thing that came out of that mess of a continent." The Maker sighed. "Yes, I should have noticed sooner, I should have realized what Corypheus was up to, especially since the man shit the bed last time he was walking around, especially once he got that damned orb, but I didn't. And like I said, by the time I realized what was happening, there was no way I could get someone to the Conclave in time."

Amy let out a growl, hands in her hair, then she dropped them to her side, biting her lip.

"So - that joke I told Solas about me being the best you could do on short notice is true?!"

"...yeah, more or less," The Maker conceded, looking away and biting his lip.

"Jesus Christ!" Amy hissed.

"Much more chill guy than his dad. He comes over for board game night once a year. Him, Kord,-" The Maker started, then cut himself off. "Not the point, right, sorry."

Who the fuck is Kord, and that Ao guy he mentioned? And Illuvatar? Other gods, presumably, but -

Amy shoved that off to the side. She didn't care. She had a bigger question to deal with.

"Okay, so you can't send me home?"

"Correct."

"So... when I wake up, I'm still in Thedas, and I'll have to help the Inquisition beat Corypheus?"

"I mean, you don't have to, but he's going to try to kill you and, he's still-"

"An evil freakshow that wants to become a God?"

"Yeah. That." The Maker nodded. Amy sighed. "But it's not so much you helping the Inquisition as-" He was cut off by Andraste hitting his arm with the back of her hand.

"Spoilers, dear!"

"Oh right!" The Maker said. "Sorry, can't go into more detail."

"...I hate you both so much right now." Amy muttered. She pulled a hand down her face. "So am I just... stuck on Earth-Bet forever, unless Professor Haywire's alien brain parasite shows up on Thedas and someone Tinkers up a portal?"

"Not necessarily." The Maker said. "That bald friend of yours may be a jackass, but he's always been clever and consistently able to surprise me. If anyone on Thedas right now can find a way for you to get home, it's probably him."

"Bald Jackass? You mean Solas?" Amy furrowed her brow. "Sure, he plays the 'mysterious man of mystery' schtick too much and is obviously arrogant but I mean - you're a God who doesn't pay much attention to Thedas, so why do you have specific feelings about him and not... I dunno, Cassandra?"

"Cassandra is brilliant. The way she killed a Dragon with another Dragon?! I have that one on instant replay. If we had more time, I'd show you." The Maker said, gesturing to his TV.

"She's also a good woman, a truly devout woman without being a fanatic, and she genuinely cares very deeply for you," Andraste said. "I'm quite proud of Cassandra."

Amy blinked. Cassandra would love to hear that. And Amy's chest felt tight at the divine confirmation of how much Cassandra cared about her... not that she had much doubt at this point, but -

"As for Solas... I can't really say much. Spoilers, you understand." The Maker concluded.

"Why do you two keep talking about spoilers? What is going on with Solas? Why do you not like him!?"

"Well, would you look at the time?" The Maker said, looking at his right arm, which suddenly had five watches on it. His tone wasn't even trying to be subtle about the sudden topic change. "It's time to send you back. This will feel disorienting for about a second," He reached over and tapped her forehead very lightly before she could stop him, and Amy lurched as the entire room warped and twisted like Vista was nearby,

Then she spun in place without moving and everything went black.

---

Author's Note: again, I want to reiterate that this is not Canon to the main fic. Just funny.

That said, some other funny bits I couldn't quite work into the chapter.

1. The Maker makes custom worlds for other gods as his primary day job. (This is why he doesn't do much as a God even in the parts he pays closer attention to, day to day) That's why he's making a planet for Ao (who, for those not familiar, is the Overgod of the Forgotten Realms setting). He is the one who designed the original OG planet Earth, including Pangea. He's still pissy at Yahweh and the other gods of that OG Earth for both breaking up Pangea and killing all the dinosaurs.
2. The Maker made Thedas Dwarves on his own, albeit he definitely copied from other gods homework as it were, when it came to dwarves. He also made the Titans.
3. God licensed the design for Thedas humanity from God/Yahweh
4. The Maker's other planets he's made have plenty of life, just nothing sentient. Lots of cool plants and animals. A few straight up Death Worlds that Shaper would probably love to get a look at.
5. Yes, the Maker really doesn't like Solas. At all.

 

[NihilSupernum]

Who actually likes Solas besides the occasional teenage girl who wants to redeem him? No, really?

I'm also a bit sleep-deprived and missed the title of the chapter, so I spent most of the time reading it rather nonplussed.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Who actually likes Solas besides the occasional teenage girl who wants to redeem him? No, really?

Click to shrink...

Elf stans, middle aged girls who want to redeem him, young adult girls who want to redeem him, the writers of Veilguard (apparently), women of all ages who don't want to redeem him but still like him

 

[Balorak146]

Who actually likes Solas besides the occasional teenage girl who wants to redeem him? No, really?

Click to shrink...

Not exactly 'occasional'. Pretty sure that Solavellen is the top Dragon Age pairing on AO3.

 

[NihilSupernum]

Not exactly 'occasional'. Pretty sure that Solavellen is the top Dragon Age pairing on AO3.

Click to shrink...

So, AO3 remains the undisputed main hive of scum and villainy.

 

[Balorak146]

So, AO3 remains the undisputed main hive of scum and villainy.

Click to shrink...

Let's use Harry Potter as an example, here, to make clear just how accurate that statement is.

Harry/Hermione currently has about 11,000 fics on AO3.

Meanwhile, Harry/Snape has just shy of 19,000, Hermione/Malfoy has about 42,000, and Harry/Malfoy has about 76,000.

'Nuff fucking said.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

'Nuff fucking said.

Click to shrink...

My story threads are not a welcome place for ship-shaming or judging ships or those who ship them.

 

[Balorak146]

My story threads are not a welcome place for ship-shaming or judging ships or those who ship them.

Click to shrink...

Ah, my apologies. I had just meant to affirm the statement made.

Shutting up now.

 

[KushLyle]

I do love this interpretation of the maker and andraste

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: This, like the Katerina Interlude and the time Envy took a riffle through Amy's brain, is one of the moments I have been most looking forward to all fic.
Once again, I just want to be clear (last time saying this, I promise) last week's Omake is not canon to this fic.

For anyone who knows Babylon 5 well, think Doctor Franklin's plot in Season 3, Episode 21. You'll know what to expect from this chapter. I was 100% inspired by that episode (really just a specific scene in it) when I came up with this chapter.

---

---

Pain.

That was the first thing she felt.

Just.

Pain.

Not pain localized to one place. Not pain in some part of her.

Just pain... everywhere.

I'm dead. I shouldn't be feeling anything. I shouldn't be thinking.

But she was.

Then again, Thedas has an afterlife. Or at least, the Andrastians thought that there was one. She had no idea if other religions - the elven gods, the Qun or the dwarves believed in one. She remembered something about the dwarves - the ones that still lived underground - worshipping 'The Stone' or something, but she paid even less attention to Orzammar's culture than anything else.

If I'm in an afterlife, I'm definitely not at the Maker's side, since I don't worship him. At a minimum.

The second thing Amy registered was cold.

She was freezing.

Okay, probably technically not, not yet, but she was cold, and all she had was her robe and her armor and she really doubted either would be that great for keeping out the cold of whatever sinners' afterlife she'd ended up in.

Something about a void?

Amy couldn't see. Her eyes were open, but she couldn't see. She was pitch black...

She was laying on something hard. Something hard and cold, but hard.

Which doesn't feel like blank featureless void territory.

Amy let out a choked sound as the pain she was feeling all over her... everywhere started to... differentiate? She still hurt everywhere, a lot, but she could isolate different pains, or at least some of them.

She was lying almost but not quite on her right side, and not on her right arm directly... which was good, because it hurt. A lot. Intense, agonizing. Her right thigh throbbed, a sharp, stabbing pain... feeling a lot like when she'd just been stabbed by that Darkspawn in the clinic. Just... in her thigh, not her stomach.

Her left hand and arm throbbed, aching, the march in her hand feeling like it was acting up more than usual. She tried to look down at it, but the act of shifting made whatever was in her thigh and whatever was wrong with her arm worse and she let out a hoarse cry of pain, flinching - which only made her right arm hurt more as she tried to move it wrong and -

Oh god no.

Amy couldn't sense her own biology. But she knew plenty about human biology and the way it worked and the way it responded to various things and unless she was wrong, she'd broken her right arm.

I landed it on it wrong, and then -

But -

How did that matter? How was she -?

Whimpering and trying not to move anything but her left arm, she lifted it up so she could get a better look at it. The mark on her hand didn't hurt as much as some of the worst moments, but it was up there. And more importantly, it was glowing brighter than any moment she'd seen it glow apart from when it was actively closing rifts.

Bright enough that it was actually casting a dim light onto her surroundings.

A tunnel. She was in a tunnel, carved out of the stone. No. Not just carved out. It was actually... was it lined with like, carved stones? Parts of it nearby seemed like they were, other parts were just... stone? What was the word? Just cut out of the rock or whatever?

Amy had no idea.

Thedas afterlife is a tunnel?

Even as she thought it, Amy realized how fucking stupid that sounded.

I don't think I'm dead.

Amy wasn't sure how she felt about that.

She was -

She hadn't wanted to die. But she'd made her peace with it. She'd accepted it.

And -

Either she was having some sort of hallucination while slowly suffocating and being crushed to death under ice and snow, the 'Void' that people who didn't believe in the Maker went to was a weird cold tunnel with icy patches on the walls and floor... or she was underground.

How am I underground? What-

Amy's thoughts were cut off by the pain, whimpering, eyes almost closing as she felt tears down her face. She tried to wipe them away with her left arm, slowly, carefully...

Oh god fuck fuck oh fuck-

Corypheus had arrived. He'd postured. Tried to take the mark back. Called it the Anchor. Lectured or ranted... or something. She'd realized Blackwall - Rainier - was still alive and she'd stalled for time... the murderer had fired the trebuchet, Corypheus had run off, and then Blackwall had pushed her.

Didn't he - Another pulse of pain overwhelmed her thoughts and she tried not to move or flinch too much as she whimpered, a low sound she could only call a 'wail' escaping her lips.

Her throat hurt. She was thirsty.

Rainier had said something like... 'they still need you' and then pushed her down into the hole that had opened up when Corypheus had made the ground around the Trebuchet shake and -

Tunnels.

Haven had tunnels under it. That's how everyone had gotten out of -

Amy lowered her left hand and pressed it against the cold stone next to her, struggling to push herself up into a sitting position. It took three attempts, each one hurting more than the last, but she managed it, no longer lying on her left side, and now cradling her right arm against her chest. She had at least one break in her forearm, maybe two. She couldn't say for sure. And there was the stabbing in her right thigh - she must have landed on...

Reaching across her torso, trying to find the potion she had in her pocket... she found only broken glass, a shard in her thigh, slick with her blood.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." She lost count of how many times she repeated the word between sobs of pain as she tried to very carefully keep her arm still. She didn't have any healing potions now, and for her trouble she had a goddamn shard of glass in her thigh and the angle it was at she couldn't even really get it out easily and even if she could it might bleed worse and...

I'm not dead, but I'm going to die here, aren't I?

She was underground. In some tunnel, under Haven. Dug or built or something by the cult that was here before, right? Before the Temple of Sacred Ashes got rediscovered or... something.

Amy schooched her ass along the ground and half tuned, using her left arm to push herself a little, wanting nothing more than to just lie on her left side and curl into a ball but - she - she couldn't do that.

Why not?

Why couldn't she? She was -

She was going to die down here, wasn't she? Why not just...

"Because I want to fucking live, damnit," Amy muttered. She looked 'behind', seeing the tunnel slope up a little... and then a wall of packed snow, bits slipping out and rolling down the slope. She'd fallen, the avalanche had come down, but it hadn't buried her because it filled the shaft of the hole she'd fallen into too fast for it to keep coming at her? But how long would that hold, before it might loose and fill the tunnel.

If she stayed here, she'd die of that, or of cold, or thirst or something. Blood loss, maybe.

But what were her other options?

She could head down the only way she could see of a tunnel, try her luck and -

"Try my luck. That's a fucking laugh," Amy muttered to herself.

You fell fuck if you know how far and only broke one arm. Amy told herself, and - that was a good point. She swallowed, or tried to, but the motion failed as she let out another whimper and whine of pain. She needed - she needed some way to hold her arm steady. She didn't have any sticks. She didn't have any way to make a splint or a cast. Could she make a sling?

With what? I have my robes, but can I even like, tear part of them off one handed? Amy tried that, starting at the base on her left side - she could reach that without moving too much, but the cold air made it hard for her to move her fingers and she couldn't get a good purchase...

Amy sat there, crying again as the pain felt like too much, as all of it felt like too much.

She'd been ready to die. She'd been ready to trade her life to save almost everyone else's and - and save Cassandra's life. Katerina's life. To make sure they didn't stay behind to die.

She'd been ready to die, been about to die... and then Rainier had saved her life. If he hadn't pushed her into the hole at the almost literal last second...

"Of course, the murdering bastard broke my arm, shattered my only healing potion and left the rest of my body one big bruise... but he did save my life." Rainier could have just gone down into the hole himself, leaving her to die. He didn't. Instead, he'd saved her.

Assuming this wasn't Thedas's version of hell anyway. Let's just assume that it's not and that I'm still alive. If she was wrong, presumably she would find out sooner or later.

So.

Amy was alive.

And being alive, Amy didn't want to die.

I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to go home. I want to read books and - and -

And she wanted to see if it was possible, really, truly possible to feel about someone else the way she felt about her sister. To not just find some other woman attractive, but to actually... fall in love with them. To feel absolutely comfortable around them (which she couldn't even feel around Vicky now, since her gross crush tainted everything now). To trust them completely. And most importantly, to be loved in return. She wanted to have someone who looked at her, and who she could look back at, as a lover. A partner.

She wanted to see if it was possible for her to have a girlfriend. Even a wife, maybe, someday. Maybe actually experience something even a tiny bit like what the characters in the romance novels she read felt.

"I don't want to die." She said, voice hoarse and scratchy, then she whimpered again, the pain still more than she could handle. She'd never felt this much physical pain in her life. Blinking repeatedly, she wiped away tears with the back of her left hand, then looked down the tunnel that represented the only way she could actually go, if she didn't want to just stay here.

"I don't want to die." she said again. And if she just stayed here, she would die. Thirst, hunger, maybe blood loss (unlikely, as long as she didn't remove the shard in her thigh, but she did think she might be still losing some blood, and for all she knew the fall had given her internal bleeding. She didn't think so but...)

She could freeze to death if it got any colder here. Or the packed tight snow could get loose and more could follow and it could all roll down the slope and cover her where she sat before she could move.

Amy bit her lip, whimpered again, and looked down the tunnel again. If she went down that tunnel, she could die. She could get lost - and die of any number of things, like hunger or thirst again. She could trip and break her neck. Fall. Run into some weird cave monster or predator - she didn't have her staff if she got attacked. She could freeze to death down here, even if she went down the tunnel.

Would die if she stayed. Could die if she went. It was pretty stark math.

"I don't want to die." Amy said for a third time, trying to use the mantra to focus herself as she used her left hand to try and push herself from sitting on her ass to standing. With how she had to try and keep her right arm still, with the pain across her body, she was left whimpering and crying after each attempt, but finally, she managed to shift into a kneeling position, then lift one knee, then slowly stand. She half-stumbled, half-limped over to the left tunnel wall, her left arm holding onto the stone to steady herself.

She closed her eyes and felt tears flowing freely, to the point where it wasn't worth wiping her eyes, not really. Every movement hurt. Everything hurt. Everywhere hurt.

"I can't give up." Amy gasped between gritted teeth. "I have to try. I have to keep going." She took another step, keeping as much weight as she could on her left leg. Every movement of her right leg as she shuffled and limped down the tunnel, left hand on the wall to steady herself, made her more aware of the shard in her thigh. It wasn't small, and it felt bigger than it was. And every movement felt like it was cutting into her flesh more. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't...

Removing it might have been worse. Might not. But she couldn't remove it. And she couldn't not move. Which meant leaving it in as she 'walked' down the tunnel. But the only option being the only option didn't make it a good option.

At least that much was familiar..

The bright glowing of the Anchor on her left hand let her see about... five feet ahead of her? A bit more? Even in that space, it was dim and shadowy, but it was enough.

It was slow going, wherever it was she was going. In a word, Amy was exhausted. Closing the breach, the celebrations, the clinic, being stabbed, being healed, putting on her armor, running to the Chantry, running to the trebuchet, Corypheus... and now this. She wanted to stop. She wanted to rest. She needed to rest.

But she needed to move more. She needed to find a way out of these tunnels. Or find the others who had fled Haven... maybe the tunnel would connect into their tunnels? It was all one set of tunnels under the village, right? How extensive could they be?

But to do that....

She had to move. Even though every part of her body screamed in pain and exhaustion to stop. To rest.

Cassandra wouldn't rest. Katerina wouldn't give up.

Vicky would keep going.

So Amy would. Amy would keep going. Hurt, tired, wrung out, bleeding, broken arm... she had to go. So she would.

"I don't want to die." Every time Amy felt like stopping, like taking a breath, like trying to sit again and rest or... something, she would say that. She clung to it like a mantra. She didn't want to die. So she had to keep going. No matter the pain, she had to keep going.

The passage of time was... she had no idea how long anything too. The tunnel felt like it stretched on for hours, but Amy knew she hadn't taken hours yet.

She hoped.

Finally, the first change came when the Anchor started to glow even brighter and it started to... pulse. It didn't throb or hurt like it did when she got near a rift, but the pulse reminded her of that.

But there couldn't be a rift under Haven. (If she was still even under Haven.) Because people would have realized it sooner? Right? And shouldn't all the rifts have been closed when she closed the Breach? Please? Maybe?

That was a thing we were going to check before you actually went home.

But again... it didn't feel like a rift. And why was it brighter now?

At least it showed her that there was a bend in the tunnel coming, and she turned as it did, straining her eyes to peer ahead, taking advantage of the extra light... it seemed like there was a chamber ahead, but as she drew closer to the chamber, open, wider, she could hear something howling in the distance (Wind?) and she could see two shapes moving, indistinct in the chamber...

Shit.

Amy tried to stuff her left hand in her pocket, to try and dim the brightness, tried to focus her thoughts on it dim, damnit, dim! But it didn't help enough and the light bled through the white of her robes, muted but still standing out in the darkness of the tunnel and the chamber ahead, and the shapes seemed to turn towards her and she felt snarls like the ones she'd heard from darkspawn, at the clinic.

No.

"No, no, no-" Amy tried to back away, interposing her left arm between herself and the approaching darkspawn - they entered the range of the light, and there were two. One the size of a human, the other the size of a dwarf.

Her attempts to back away saw her putting too much weight on her right leg and she cried out, her leg buckling under her - she didn't fall, grabbing onto the tunnel wall with her left arm, but it took several precious seconds for her to put her weight back on her left leg and stabilize her stance and then the human sized darkspawn was close and Amy screamed as it raised a broken sword over it's head, snarled, and swing down -

Amy threw up her left arm on instinct, hopelessly trying to... something - the blade hit her left arm - it hit her bracer, so it didn't immediately hit skin, but the impact still hurt and it was all that force concentrated in one place and she cried out and the other darkspawn was crushing close-

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" Amy screamed as loud as she could manage - not very - and as the words that had become her only animating mantra escaped her, green energy flowed out of her hand and into the air next to the larger darkspawn and in front of the smaller one. It expanded into what almost looked like a miniature rift, one that lit up the entire chamber, revealing at least four different tunnels out of it other than the one she'd come in, and then she watched green energy flow from the two darkspawn, towards it

The two monsters were held in place and then actually tugged towards it a little, like a mini black hole, but the darkspawn weren't being turned into strands of tainted spaghetti at least - their bodies seemed intact as more green energy flowed from them into the rift -

What is it doing, what is-

Amy didn't have time to process what she was saying before both darkspawn dropped dead to the ground, unmoving, and with the sound of a cracking explosion, the miniature rift vanished entirely, plunging the room back into near-total darkness. Even the Anchor dimmed back to where it had been earlier, only illuminating a small space around her...

Amy dropped to her knees, screaming hoarsely again, less in pain (though the act did jostle her arm) and more in horror at what she'd just done. What she'd unleashed. She didn't - it was darkspawn. She didn't object to killing darkspawn. They weren't people, they weren't even animals, they were... things. Monsters. Horrifying disgusting things that should be stopped.

But she had no idea what she had just done, or why the Anchor was suddenly doing that, why it had glowed, why it had created that mini-rift, or what it had even done to the darkspawn... it had been an entirely unconscious act, or just... spontaneous from the mark.

What if she'd run into Venatori or Red Templars down here? She wouldn't weep for their deaths, but that - she wasn't - she wasn't prepared to be the one to actually kill people! She wasn't - she couldn't become a killer. She had to hold to that line. That rule. Killing people -

The abomination was bad enough, but she hadn't actually killed him herself.

But what was to stop that thing from appearing again, if she couldn't figure out what it was, how she'd created it, what it did...

And what if Cassandra or Katerina or anyone on our side is near it? Or a civilian?

If she couldn't control it -

And the last thing Amy needed was another way to hurt people. Her power was bad enough, even if she had a better understanding of what was going on with it now that she knew about Shaper...

Pain and cold and exhaustion made her thoughts feel thick, made it hard to think quickly and Amy realized she was shivering after at least a minute of kneeling there on the ground, the cold hard stone against her knees, the chill air all around her...

She didn't have many tears left to cry at this point, and she didn't cry at the overwhelming nature of the revelation she'd just had, but it was... just one more thing.

She was thirsty, in addition to all the rest. Her throat felt dry, her lips dry and -

She had to keep going.

She had to. No matter how much she wanted to stop.

She closed her eyes, took a ragged breath, whimpered and then took another breath. She managed to stand back up and stepped closer to the dead darkspawn, holding her left arm out... they wore some pieces of tattered, dirty clothing or something resembling it, alongside their mismatched armor, but it was -

She dismissed the idea of trying to use any of it for a sling. But the smaller darkspawn had had two daggers, and one of them looked... almost clean? Or maybe just less filthy than the rest. Gingerly, she picked it up and pressed her back against the tunnel well and reached down -

It took doing, and slipping up and dropping the dagger and also cutting into her pants once by accident (and thankfully only stabbing the leather armor pieces around her shins) and more pain from the movement jostling her arm and right thing, but she managed to cut off a long strip from the bottom of her robes...

She dropped the dagger, and tried to wrap the strip around her arm and neck, in an effort to make a sling. That failed quickly, her fingers moving too slowly to really tie the knot well one handed and after a few more attempts, she settled for a very awkward position where she leaned her left side and arm against the wall, pinning part of the cloth between her left arm and left side, and then managed to maneuver the cloth around her broken arm - letting out another low wail as she brushed against it wrong - and then up and around her neck and then down and... it was a really terrible job, but it sort of helped pin her right arm against her chest more, hopefully making it move less...

Hopefully.

Amy picked up the dagger again - she needed something, if more darkspawn showed up - and stuck it through her belt and slowly, she stepped further into the chamber.

"I don't want to die." She said quietly again, desperation keeping her going, somehow.

How much longer?

The wind was howling in from somewhere and she picked the closest tunnel and limped across to it... no. Not from there.

She checked all four tunnels, straining her ears to try and hear where the sound of wind was coming from... by the time she'd settled on the right one and backtracked to it, she doubled over, gasping. She felt light-headed, almost (but not quite) dizzy and she let out a moan.

"I'm going to die out there, won't I?" If the wind was howling that loudly then it would be really intense out there. Which meant even colder. And there would be snow - and maybe a lot of it, piled up, rather than melted by people constantly walking on it like happened in Haven? Or -

If she stepped wrong, if she fell... she might get lost in the snow. She might freeze to death before she could find anyone. Or she might collapse from exhaustion and pain and thirst and then freeze to death. She might be buried in the snow and no one would even realize she got away from Corypheus...

But -

There was still a chance... and -

Cassandra wouldn't give up. It would take her being physically unable to move before she just... gave up.

She proceeded down the tunnel, left hand on the wall, and then followed the bend, and finally, up ahead, she saw it.

Night sky. Starlight in the distance. Moonlight illuminating a white expanse of snow and howling wind... Amy pulled her left hand down her face, taking as deep a breath as she could manage - not very - and then she tugged her left sleeve over her hand more, balling it into a fist. She did the same with her right hand and pulled the sleeve up over it too.

She didn't have a hat. Or gloves. And her boots... they were at least kind of suited for this, but not really. She pulled her hood down lower over her face, to cover her head as much as she could, and then proceeded down the tunnel. She had to stop to catch her breath, pause for the pain, but finally she reached the exit of the tunnel, stepped out into the moonlight.

She could see a bunch of evergreen trees off to the left, some distance away, she could see mountain slopes and peaks stretching out as far as she could see, and she could see snow.

Lots of snow. Deep snow.

"I don't want to die." And not moving would be the death of her. Moving... might now.

It was...

Saying it was the only thing that was keeping her going, but each time, it's... power seemed to slip a little. Stepping through the snow that now went halfway to her knee with every step was slow going. She couldn't really see where her feet were going, and she had to take actual steps, not just sort of shuffle and limp... every time she had to move her right leg, her thigh hurt more, she noticed and felt that shard of glass in her flesh...

She didn't see anyone. No signs of people, no smoke from campfires... the wind howled around, blowing cold air into her and making her robes flutter and Amy's left hand, still in her sleeve, went to her robes, holding them as flush against her, as tightly closed as she could, shivering now, breath immediately turning to mist or whatever it was when you could see your breath during winter.

Where could she go? Which direction? It was all...

The trees. Maybe the trees would break up the wind a little? And if the tree cover could get dense enough, there might be patches of ground with less snow... and - and -

I could use the wood? I could turn it into a shelter with my power. Or - or make organic gloves out of the -

NO! I can't -

It was - it was a tree. She wouldn't be making a monstrosity or - and it would keep her alive and -

Distracted by her moral conflict, Amy overstepped with her left leg her foot slipped on something or just couldn't find its footing and she stumbled, fell, slipped down the snow and landed face first in the snow - she couldn't even scream properly, as snow ended up in her mouth, and she was almost grateful as it melted in her mouth and was water. She gulped that little bit down, shivering and pushed herself up into a kneeling position. Snow was covering her now, she shook to try to get some off - which hurt more - and she felt the coldness in her bones, all over her body...

Her teeth chattered and Amy forced herself to stand.

She wanted to stop. She needed to stop. It would be so easy to stop. She couldn't - she couldn't keep going....

But she had to.

But she couldn't... desperately, she scooped up more snow into her sleeve-covered hand and brought it to her mouth. She was thirsty and this snow looked pretty clean and -

Maybe the cold would jolt her, somehow? Like a cold shower waking her up.

Fuck. I miss showers. Hot showers. Cold showers. Lukewarm showers after Vicky uses all the hot water...

She let the snow melt on her tongue... it made her feel more cold, but she smacked her lips, licked a few stray flakes of snow off them and...

Amy took a shuddering, shivering breath and forced herself to continue towards the trees. She had to get there. She could do that much, right?

Right?

More steps. Time was indeterminate at this point, she was too focused on keeping herself moving, on repeating 'I don't want to die' to really track how long anything was taking...

And then she slipped and stumbled again. And this time she rolled through the snow, down a slope - she rolled onto and over her right arm, even pinned to her chest and she let out a strangled scream and then kept rolling, smothered and -

For a split second, Amy was terrified she might keep rolling, fall, land, go splat -

But she hit a dense snowbank and stopped moving in an explosive flurry of snowflakes.

For a very long moment, Amy did nothing. Getting up seemed... pointless. She'd just fall again.

She -

Vicky wouldn't give up.

But somehow, that wasn't enough.

Katerina wouldn't give up.

Amy lay there, on her back, snow all around, and she...

She hurt too much to move, and she... she was so tired. She just... mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

Cassandra would get up.

But she wasn't Cassandra, wasn't she? She wasn't Katerina.

And she sure as hell wasn't Victoria Dallon. What - what even was the point? She sobbed dryly, a long, low wail escaping her lips again as she lay there, shivering in the snow...

The moment passed, finally, and Amy managed to struggle herself painfully into another kneeling position, and she gasped for air by the time she was done, eyes screwed shut, failing to cry despite the sobs and whimpers of pain...

She needed to keep moving, she needed to get up.... Instead, she just knelt there. She - she could do it. She just needed -

She just needed a minute. Or five.

Thousand.

Just...

I'm going to die here. I'm going to freeze to death. It can't be long before hypothermia starts to set in. If it isn't already.

Thinking felt like swimming through thick soup, and - her clumsiness in both falls could be symptoms. She was shivering. She -

"Well. Isn't this pathetic." Amy heard a familiar voice - her voice - full of scorn and disgust nearby. Amy's breath caught and she looked up to see... herself. But it was her as she'd been when last been in the Bay? Her robes showed none of the signs of restitching hers did from when it had gotten damaged by a demon's claws or whatever else. No signs of being washed by what Thedas had to work with (which was pretty good, really) and no holes from when she'd gotten stabbed, or when she'd just cut some off to try to make that sling.

And no blood. Anywhere. No broken arm either.

The other-Amy was standing over her, looming, a snarl on her face, loathing in her eyes...

Envy demon? Was this -

"No, I'm not Envy," The other her said, as if reading her mind, scornful, sarcastic, biting. "No green eyes, no distorted voice, no grandiose declarations..." the other Amy crouched and looked her in the eyes, and Amy realized the other her was just... standing atop the snow, not sinking into it at all. "Besides, who would be stupid enough to be envious of you right now? Or ever, but I guess there was one stupid Envy demon."

Amy swallowed, because... that made sense. Then again, there had been the one Envy demon that was that stupid but if this - why - how was she seeing -

"Oh for fuck's sake. You're not a doctor, and you're fucking idiot on a good day, but you know a lot about biology. What are some of the symptoms of hypothermia?"

I'm not - It's too soon for me to be cold enough to be hallucinating, right? I can't be that cold yet. And I'm not - I'm not going blue yet, right?

"You've also lost a good bit of blood, you're half mad with pain and you're beyond exhausted." The hallucination pointed out. "God, you're really fucking stupid, aren't you? I mean, I always knew you were-"

"You- you're me- you're - what?!" Amy managed to stammer out, confusing, that thick soup feeling in her head not making responding easier.

"Articulate as ever, bitch." The hallucination said. "And yeah, I'm just a hallucination of you, but it's not like you don't know you're a world-class stupid idiot. I mean, fuck, just look at how you got into this mess. There were other ways to make sure Katerina and Cassandra didn't die, and you leapt on this one like Skidmark on a pile of cocaine."

Amy stared blankly at 'herself', confused, not -

She had to get up. She had to keep moving but...

It felt like too much work. She couldn't -

What would even be the point?

"Good question, really," the hallucination asked, standing up, snorting. "Why are you trying to get up? Why are you so sure you need to keep going, huh?"

"I - I -I-"
"I-I-I-" the hallucination mocked her pain stammering. "Come on, use your words, you worthless bitch." She made a 'hurry up' gesture. "You don't have all day. You're going to be freezing to death soon enough, right? Might take a few hours to actually 'die', at least, but - spit it out."

"I don't want to die." Amy managed to say, shivering and gasping.

"Right. And that's because you have so much worth living for, huh?"

Wha-?

"I mean, really, it's not like you were ever that fucking happy with your life. Not now, not recently, not ever. Come on, think of the last time you were happy, just... uncomplicatedly happy. Years, at least, if ever. Can you even remember it? Did it even happen to remember?"

Amy couldn't - she wasn't - it was too cold. She was - she was so tired...

"Exactly. You were fucking miserable. You've been fucking miserable forever. You might as well just let yourself die. At least it would be over then."

Amy shook her head, trying to reject the idea, but she didn't - she couldn't - she tried to stand, but her knees collapsed under her and she landed nearly face first, catching herself with a thrown out left hand.

"You never do learn." The hallucination tutted. That's always been one of your problems. Then again, you have a hell of a lot of those."

Amy swallowed and shrunk into herself as the hallucination continued to berate Amy.

"Let's talk about those problems of yours. I mean, we have a lot to choose from. It's like a fucking buffet, really. But we can't cover them all in full detail. You'll freeze to death before we get everything unpacked, and I have a lot to say before you give up one last time." The hallucination began to pace, and held up her right hand and started to tick things off as she went.

"You've got your complete inability to learn. You've got that bitch Carol, God knows she's six problems stuffed into one shitty mother. You've got your power and all that shit, though knowing Shaper exists changes that one. There's your Daddy and all that 'bad blood' nonsense. There's the fact that you're a coward. There's Vicky. And of course, there's the fact that you're a lonely, friendless, dateless, pathetic loser." Amy's gut twisted and the hallucination snapped her fingers. "No! I've got it. We'll start with the healing. It touches on so much, and gets to the heart of the issue."

"Because here's the thing, Amy. The thing I'm going to beat into your fucking skull before you die - You're The Problem! You're YOUR problem! Everything that's a problem? You could fucking fix it, do better with it, if you were willing to make the effort! But you're not, because why put in the work, when it's easier to just... not? When it's easier to wallow and suffer and lay there in the fucking snow, huh?"

"Imagine this - someone has the power to heal. They absolutely hate it. Every time they heal. Hell, a few months ago, they debated letting a kid die just so they wouldn't be called in so much for emergency healing and stuff. That's pretty fucking messed up. You'd think they might try to not heal as much. Certainly after they almost let a kid die? Seems like a reason to take a break." The hallucination snorted. "With someone sane, maybe, but there's no sane people in New Wave. Instead, not only do you heal past the maximum fifteen hours every week if they let you, half an hour here, half an hour there, but you also sneak out night after night to a hospital and just start healing. You hate every goddamn second of it, but you keep doing it." She shook her head. "Now why would you do something like that?"

It's - I have to. It's the right thing to do.

The hallucination made a loud buzzer sound. "INCORRECT!" She shrugged, "Oh, I mean, you think it is, sure, but that's not really it. You want to know why you heal so much? The reason you don't want to acknowledge? The reason why you're less bothered by not healing as much here, in Thedas, even though you then hate yourself for feeling better for healing less?"

The hallucination crouched again and Amy blinked repeatedly, head slouching -

SNAP.

The hallucination snapped her fingers in front. "Hey, hey, none of that. I'm not done with you yet." Amy's eyes were open fully now, and the hallucination went on. "That's better. Now, you want to know? I mean, you know you don't need to heal everyone you could. Sure, there's people that won't get better without your help. Especially in emergency situations where it's all doctors on deck, or it's weird cape bullshit. But Brockton Bay does have good doctors. Sure, they're no mages with healing potions, but they're good doctors. You don't need to heal all the people you do. They'll recover on their own."

I can't not - I can help them. I - I can't just -

"You absolutely can, you goddamned idiot. But that's the thing. You don't, and you just keep healing people who can handle fine without you anyway. Not out of guilt. Not out of 'that's what heroes do'. That's the lie you tell yourself."

That's not a lie! I heal because I know how I feel when I don't!

"No, you do it because you've given up. Because going to the hospital above and beyond and healing every chance you get is easier than staying at home and trying to deal with Carol. Easier than demanding answers from her, or just telling her to shove it with the dirty looks and the suspicion and the distance. Easier than spending time with Vicky and hating yourself every time she hugs you or looks at you with affection. Easier than asking her to stop with the fucking double dates because you're stupidly terrified she'll figure out you're gay and then figure out your crush."

Amy felt words choke up in her throat and she blinked repeatedly, looking at the ground.

The hallucination stood again and crossed her arms.

"Easier than sitting in the dark, alone, and realizing you're a lonely, friendless, pathetic, worthless waste of space who has nothing to live for. Easier than actually trying to address any of that. Giving up is always the easiest option. So you just heal. You keep healing, because it's the easy option. Easier than fixing your fucking life, easier than taking a goddamn chance and making an effort. Because 'what if it gets worse'?." The hallucination scoffed again. "Because what you have is so great!"

You say that like - I can't - I can't make Carol love me. I can't - can't just not love Vicky! I've tried that!

"You can't make Carol love you, not that the bitch has any love to give, not that part of you still doesn't vainly hope if you heal enough people or save enough lives she'll suddenly hug you and say 'I'm proud of you'." The hallucination mocked her and Carol, doing a terrible imitation of Carol's voice. "And maybe you can't just not love Vicky, though you haven't really tried. Because that's the problem. Vicky's all you fucking have. You don't have friends, you have Vicky. You don't have a girlfriend, you have Vicky. You don't have hobbies anymore, just Vicky. No the fuck wonder you can't get over your fucking crush!"

"I can't - I - you - what - you why are you - why am I? YOU'RE NOT REAL!"

"And you're going to die and be out of both our miseries soon enough, but not before I've had my fucking say," The hallucination paced again, arms still crossed. "That's been your life, really. Vicky as a crutch, Vicky as your everything. Even in elementary school, it was Vicky, Vicky, Vicky. You never really made friends. You never tried to... join groups. Find people who liked the same books you did. You just followed Vicky around like a lost little duckling."

"She's my SISTER! I love her!"

"Yeah, but you didn't have to stay glued to her fucking hip! You're lonely! You want friends, well fucking make some, bitch! Put in the effort!"

"I - I -"

"Oh, but you can't, because you're so worried someone would want to be your friend to get info on New Wave, or just be close to a local celebrity or ask for healing or whatever. Fuck that, you're a goddamned living lie detector! Figure it out! Oh, wait, no, it's because you're afraid they'll figure out about your crush, because you're afraid they'll what... decide your 'bad blood' from your father means they'll abandon you? I can't even keep track of what lies you tell yourself, because you've given up on not being alone!"

"Given - I haven't - I what-?"

"Yes, you have! You could make an effort! You could have found other people who liked to read the Roaraxia books. Hell, the internet is a thing! You could picked up a goddamn hobby! Remember that time when that nerdy kid with the acne in 9th grade invited you to his little D&D group because he saw you reading a book he'd read too? Sure, he probably was doing it because he had a crush on you, which... eugh," the hallucination made a face, "But you could have gotten into a hobby. Had some friends, had something to do with your life that wasn't rotting in your room, healing to escape your room, or getting dragged to double dates and parties with dozens of random people you don't know or care about! Go to the library! Join a book club!"

"Did you do any of that shit? No! You just sat there on your bed, hating your life, hating how alone you always felt, and doing abso-fucking-lutelky NOTHING about it!"

Amy had trouble mustering a real response, her mind feeling still sluggish, slow - how was her hallucination mustering all this energy if she couldn't?

"It's not - it's not that simple..." She said weakly, plaintively.

"No, of course it's not as simple as just leaving the house and making a friend like that," the hallucination snapped her fingers again, "But it's an option you never even TRIED! And don't get me started on your love life!"

What love-

"EXACTLY!" The hallucination screeched at her. "You don't have one. You're lonely, touch-starved, desperate for affection and sure, you're not pretty, but you're not ugly either!"

Damned with faint praise by her own hallucination.

"Oh shut up, I'm you, it's not like I don't know what you're working with." The hallucination snapped. "Where do we even start with this one? You knew you were gay before you realized you were crushing on Vicky, but you didn't say anything. Fine, it was only... six months? Still getting used to it, still not totally sure. We'll call that one fair enough. And god knows Aunt Sarah would have been a fucking nightmare about it. But that's no fucking reason to stay miserable and lonely and keep letting Vicky drag you on the worst fucking double dates known to man!"

"They're not-"

"Don't even try, bitch! Derek? Brock? And then there was Arnold." Amy swallowed and couldn't help but concede the hallucination's point there... Arnold had been so obviously closeted about his gayness (to Amy, anyway) and not remotely covert about the way he was staring at Dean. Combine that with the most self-centered alpha male personality she'd ever seen...

"Sure, being forced into a dog and pony show for New Wave queer outreach would suck, but is being lonely better?! Really?"

But Vicky - I - can't-

"It's not like you can't notice other girls and women are attractive or even beautiful! Yes, pretty much no one in the world holds a candle to Vicky, obviously, but she's not an option! If you told Vicky you were gay, there's no chance she'd guess about your crush, because - who the fuck would? Instead, maybe you might actually meet someone nice! Someone pretty! Someone you liked, someone you could at least be happy to spend time with!"

"But instead, you make excuses! Because what if it goes wrong? What if you do find someone?! Then you can't wallow in everything anymore! You'd have to actually put in work, and God forbid you actually get off your fucking ass and make something of your own goddamned life!"

Amy sobbed again, feeling... everything and barely able to process.

"Because that's it, Amy. You wallow. You cry. You hate your life, hate your situation, hate how lonely you feel, hate your power, hate healing, hate your crush on Vicky, hate yourself! You've spent months asking yourself what Vicky would do if she was here in Thedas instead of you. Well, what would Vicky do in your life? If Vicky was the lonely girl who didn't have friends? She'd go out and make some, wouldn't she? She'd try at least!"

Amy shrank in on herself again, eyes down on the snow, dry sobs wracking her, shoulders shaking.

"And if she was the one with the gross, incestuous crush - work with me here - would she just wallow? Would she just sit there and do nothing about it?! FUCK NO! Vicky doesn't wallow! She doesn't just sit there and accept the world as it is! She fucking goes out there and does shit!"

"You kept saying you don't want to die to get this far, but why? What the fuck could a pathetic, useless, cowering, lazy wreck of a person like you do if you got to keep living, huh? What would be the point if you even got home, back to Earth-Bet? You'd just go back to hiding! You'd go back to giving up! That's all you do! Hell, that's all you do here in Thedas! Everyone thinks you're a prophet, and you complain about it and say you're not, but do you do anything to stop people? You could teach people about germ theory and anatomy and biology and do you even think about that? You could have started working with elfroot a month ago, but it would be too hard, too hard to admit your rules aren't helping here, or anywhere!"

"You could do something about how fucking backwards this place is. Maybe not fix it all, but you could try! But that would be too hard, too much work, too much attention on you, so why bother, when you can just give up and whine and complain about how much you hate Thedas, right?"

"And then there's the Templars. Cassandra kept them intact, you wanted them dissolved, but you never said anything, and then decided it was too late to change it. Was it? Was it really? You could have insisted, you could have done more, said something, made some fucking effort! But all you do is give up, and hide and run and sit around and wallow! You're pathetic."

Amy looked up - snow blown from the wind had accumulated on her shoulders, her hood-covered head, and she was still surrounded by more... she shivered, shook, and looked at her hallucination, teeth chattering, her stomach roiling... she closed her eyes, trying to gasp.

"So. Go ahead and die. There's nothing you have worth living for, nothing useful you could do with your life at this point that's worth the work." the hallucination said. "I'm done with you. Done with you giving up, done with you wallowing, done with you wasting my time living for nothing."

Amy didn't say anything as she tried to process everything that had been said to her and -

It's not that simple! Her thick, soupy thoughts made it hard to really come up with a response, but -

It wasn't that simple.

But...

She -

It -

Did she -

Was -

Was it -

Going to the hospital every chance she got wasn't giving up! Healing people wasn't taking the 'easier' option, damnit! But -

But -

How many times have I just... done nothing because there was nothing I could muster the energy to do? That was a familiar feeling. It had been her constant companion before Thedas and -

...could I have had friends? Or -

Or found someone she could date? No, they wouldn't hold a candle to Vicky, - no one could, right? But -

She also couldn't be with Vicky and -

She didn't want to be with Vicky and -

Amy did want to find someone she could be happy with. She did want to have a relationship. Maybe she hadn't realized it until that little dream with the dragonling and -

But I -

Amy didn't have a lot to live for, did she? What did she have, back home? Carol? Healing? Being... Panacea?

She had Vicky and - and Amy would do almost anything to see her sister again, but...

The hallucination wasn't wrong how spending time with Vicky could all too easily lead to her spiraling and hating herself more, about her crush and - and being gross and -

But Amy didn't want to die. She didn't want to freeze to death - though she was dealing with hypothermia and it was only going to get worse and -

She -

She didn't want to die.

Maybe what her hallucination was saying was - maybe it wasn't wrong about most of it. Maybe it wasn't.

But Amy didn't want to die.

"I don't want to die." Amy said

And she didn't have 'nothing' worth living for. She did have her sister. However much she hated having a crush on Vicky... Vicky was worth living for.

"Why?"

"I want to live." Amy said, struggling, unwrapping her left arm from around her midsection and pushing it into the snow and against the ground, pushing herself up, one leg into a raised position as she still knelt, now down on one knee... or coming up on one -

"What for? You have nothing to live for, Amy!"

"I do!" Amy pushed herself up to her feet, shaking, teeth shattering, every fiber of her being screaming even louder than it had before, but she clenched her jaw and took a step.

"Vicky? She's not worth living for when just being around her makes you hate yourself-"

"I ALWAYS HATE MYSELF!" Amy's attempt at a scream was hoarse and weak, but it strained her throat nonetheless. "Being around Vicky or not doesn't change that!" Her words came between gasps and shivers as she took a step, then another, moving as slowly and carefully as she could towards the trees, finding strength she didn't have left.

"I want to live," Amy said again. "And not just for Vicky. For Cassandra. She's worth living for. For Katerina. For Josephine." Maybe she was responsible for her own misery. Maybe she could have done more. But if she lived, she could do that. "For myself! I want to be happy!"

"Sure you do and what are you going to do about it? Wallow? Lie there and expect things to work out while you just keep taking the easy way out?"

No.

"To quote an annoying redhead," Amy said through clenched teeth between whimpers of pain as the trees got closer with every step, "I'm going to fucking TRY!"

"Try what? Try - how the fuck can you try? You've never tried at anything in your life!"

"Bullshit," Amy countered. That was - she'd tried. She'd tried things. In Thedas especially.

"You hate being the Herald. It's even worse than being Panacea!"

"It's still better than dying!" Amy was almost to the trees. "I don't know - I don't know what I'll do. You're right - there's more I could have done to be happy. And there's things I can do now, when I find everyone. Because I'm going to fucking live!"

"You're -"

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Amy's every attempt to scream and raise her voice hurt, but she didn't care. She just wanted this hallucination to shut up, to -

"...I want to be happy." She said again, taking another step. "I want - I want to read. I want - I want to be in love with someone who can love me back, someone who isn't Vicky. I want - I want to hear Cassandra keep saying she's proud of me." She reached the tree line and sagged as she touched one, the evergreen tree's biology filling her power sense. It was alive. She could -

"I want - I want to touch a fucking Dragonling and a High Dragon! I want a fucking Dragonling as a pet, like in that dream! I want - I want to be happy! I want to stop being afraid all the time! I want to fucking punch Shaper in the face! I want to destroy the Taint. I want to go home. I want to eat a goddamn Fugly Bob's Burger again! I want to LIVE."

"I want to be happy!" As she spoke, matter flowed from the tree - she might kill it if she took too much, so she tried to be careful, but it flowed over her hand, across her skin - it felt weird and slippery she moved it over to her right arm, forming a solid cast around it and especially the break. She took more, letting it form an almost glove of thick plant matter around her right hand, fingers and all, across the rest of her body, under her armor, under her clothes... she-

She was breaking her rules, but it was a tree. It was just to stay warm. It was -

The rules are there to stop me from hurting people. This isn't hurting a person.

It wasn't exactly a thick winter jacket, but she tried to quickly arrange the cells in an insulating away, tried to copy her memory of something about how animals in the arctic and stuff used thick layers of fat to be warm, trying to make the plant cells like fat cells... as some grew around her leg, it dislodged the shard of glass and pushed it out, quickly covering up the injury... amy turned some into an almost bandage, crying out -

She moved to another tree, hoping she didn't take too much from this one -

"I want to be happy." She said again, a new mantra to keep her going as she got more plant material, layered it over - this was quick and dirty and it wouldn't - it was better than nothing and it was inefficient, but as long as Amy didn't freeze to death -

She finally put some over her left hand, over her neck, up to her chin... she pulled her hood lower and kept walking through the trees - she touched another one and extracted something that was like a cane/hiking stick combo...

"I want to be happy." And the only way to do that was to live. And the only way to live was to keep going. To find the others.

One step blurred into the next as she came through the other end of the tree line. She gasped, she whimpered, she let out low wails, the cold still getting to her, even if less. 'Bandaged' or not, glass shard seemingly entirely gone or not, Amy's right thigh and leg still throbbed with every step. Her head was still light from blood loss, her thoughts were still like swimming through thick soup.

She was walking into the wind now, just... walking and she couldn't even see where she was going beyond a few feet her left hand glowing - she pulled the biomass from around the mark back to let it glow and held her left hand up, both to ward the wind and snow away from her face a little and to illuminate what was ahead -

"I want to be happy." She couldn't even hear her own murmur thanks to the wind, but the act of saying it still did the job. She kept going eventually turning away from the wind and seeing better ahead, a narrow path between large stony outcroppings - maybe she could get there, she could - the wind wouldn't be as -

Amy felt her right leg give out under her, but she caught herself with the cane and kept going. She had to keep going.

"I want to be happy." she muttered, one thought left in her mind through all the cold and the pain and the exhaustion.

"I want to be happy."

"I want to be happy." She reached between the two outcroppings, pressing herself against the stone, the wind howling around, but blocked mostly by the stone. She didn't stop, couldn't stop, but she let herself slow, tried to breathe deep, failed...

"She's close! I can hear her!" A voice said ahead. A familiar voice.

Cole? No. Cole was dead. He'd been -

Amy held up her hand and then -

Torches. Lamps. Light, in the distance. People. Shapes of people moving.

"I see someone!" Katerina's voice. "It's - sweet Andraste, it's HER!"

"Thank the Maker! Amy! Amy!" Cassandra's voice and one of the shapes in the distance pushed past the one at the front (Katerina) and rushed towards her, and Amy felt her legs drop out as she tried to keep muttering 'I want to be happy' over and over and over again, the wood underlayer sloughing off her as she sort of melted it with a final mental command.

"Amy! Oh merciful Maker," Cassandra was there, crouched by her side, hands on her shoulder. "Amy, you're alive!"

I want to be happy...

Amy fell forwards towards Cassandra and blackness consumed her.

---

---

Author's Note: I feel it is incumbent on me to make clear that yes, the thing where Amy creates a mini-rift is a canon thing that happens with the MC of Dragon Age Inquisition at this point, and yes, I am aware in the game it's some shades, not darkspawn, but I felt like having it be darkspawn worked better for what I wanted.

 

[Turncoat]

Amy having personal character growth to be happy? In my fanfiction? Cannot be possible, fake news.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Amy having personal character growth to be happy? In my fanfiction? Cannot be possible, fake news.

Click to shrink...

Amy, the day before she Bakuda'd to Thedas: Me? Be happy? I dunno, sounds fake.

 

[NihilSupernum]

Oh, that's such a convenient little hallucination. Saves so much time of actual character growth. What a brilliantly positioned piano in the bushes.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Oh, that's such a convenient little hallucination. Saves so much time of actual character growth. What a brilliantly positioned piano in the bushes.

Click to shrink...

Its the culmination of months of Amy being forced to grow beyond her limits and self imposed cage and being consistently exposed to support and being told the things she thinks about herself are incorrect. And it all finally getting through to her.

When you're alone, you cant hide from yourself.

Also? If you think this means a 180 from Amy where she immediately goes super duper hogwild, you'd be incorrect.

But since you clearly dislike my writing choice (a valid opinion and technically your point has merit) I would advise you close the door behind you when you flounce out.

 

[NihilSupernum]

Its the culmination of months of Amy being forced to grow beyond her limits and self imposed cage and being consistently exposed to support and being told the things she thinks about herself are incorrect. And it all finally getting through to her.

When you're alone, you cant hide from yourself.

Also? If you think this means a 180 from Amy where she immediately goes super duper hogwild, you'd be incorrect.

But since you clearly dislike my writing choice (a valid opinion and technically your point has merit) I would advise you close the door behind you when you flounce out.

Click to shrink...

Oh, I'm staying, since so far your writing has been pretty good, as was Amy's character development.

That's why this chapter threw me so much. The unexpectedly wordy and concise hallucination was incredibly cringe, something I'd expect to see somewhere like a chaos gacha, Waifu Catalogue, Worm SI story or somewhere equally creatively impotent.

All I'm saying is you can do better. Have Amy arrive at the very basic conclusion that she does actually want to live and be happy in the middle of the dangerous situation she's in. No pep talk from suddenly manifested second personality required.

Just toss the thing, the chapter would work fine without it with some adjustment.