Another Self Insert (Worm Fanfic)

Elizabeth walked down the stairs with a wide yawn as she reached the kitchen refrigerator. With her eyes droopy, she opened the fridge door to scan through the various types of milk her family had. “Hey brother,” she said to him, sitting on the dining room table. “Where the fuck is the whole milk?”

Jonathan stared down at his bowl of cereal, and then to the trash can where he finished and threw out the last carton of milk. “Gone,” he said quickly.

“Shit fuck cunt.” She closed the door. “Now I can’t eat food.”


Elizabeth quietly walked through the living room with a yawn. She took a glimpse out the front door window. “Hey Johnno.”

“Yeah?”

“Since when did we live in a city?”

XXX

Dear Diary,

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. What the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuck. Oh my fucking god, God is dead. The world is dead. I’m dead. Fuck me. Fuck life. Fuck this faggot ass earth. Fuck the planet. Fuck everything. AGHHHHHHH

Update:

Okay, so after one hour of hyperventilating and crying quietly to myself, I’ve come to realize that I’m not in my home anymore. I mean, it’s kinda like my home, except its not. Layout is slightly different, especially my parent’s room. I checked the mail quickly, I live in Brockton Bay.

What the fuck is Brockton Bay? I turned on the news channel and I'm seeing some bullshit about superheroes in spandex capes. (And don’t get me wrong, I love cosplay, but there's an unspoken rule to never cosplay in public.)

Now, my first guess was that I was in a Marvel/DC world. Which is like, half the fanfiction I’ve ever written. So I thought to myself ‘oh I got this, let’s go make fun of Batman’s dead parents.’

But there is no Batman, only a piss colored superman. Now I’m confused as hell as to where I am. Like, you’re telling me all my knowledge of superheroes are frigging useless?

My brother told me about this book he read, ‘Worm’ was the name. I never read it, so if it is that world, I don’t even know enough to turn my life into a shitty fanfiction.

I’m basically in a superhero world without knowing the superheroes. Which is fine, I guess. I just hope the heroes here can be a bit more optimistic than the moopy guys from the Watchman.

XXX

Elizabeth stepped down the stairs and looked at his brother on the couch. John was playing a first person shooter game on his xbox. Elizabeth stared up at the TV, and then his brother.

“Wanna play?” Jonathan asked.

Eli stared at him. “Hey… John… I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

Eli shook her head, “what if… I was dreaming right now?”

John paused the game. With a dead cold stare he told her, “I’d tell you to wake up.”

She cocked her head back. “What?”

“I’d tell you to wake up.”

“You’re serious?” Elizabeth asked, “like, wouldn’t you… Die?”

“If I didn’t exist, I technically never lived to die in the first place.”

Elizabeth leveled her hands to the templates of her forehad. “John, you’re freaking me out.”

Jonathan pointed to her, “wake up Elizabeth.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhhhh!!!”

Elizabeth ran to her room in a frenzied panic. Jonathan cocked his head back, “what the fuck?”

XXX

Dear Diary (again),

So my brother’s the same. Exactly as I remember him. Which, hopefully, means we get along well. But that also means he probably doesn’t remember all the stuff from Worm he talked about. Shit, I should’ve read it like he said, or at least payed attention when he told me about it in detail.

I don’t even remember how he described the characters. A bug girl, a dick with a spear, gas girl, dog girl, waifu. So many waifus.

Christ, should I ask him? If he’s just a regular dude, does he follow heroes now that they’re real? Is reading up on heroes the same as reading up on the news? If it is, would he be interested in shit like that?

XXX

Jonathan knocked on the door. Elizabeth answered. The two siblings looked mostly the same. Face wise, their light complexions were the same. Jonathan was shorter than her, he was 16 and she was 18. Elizabeth was still technically in high school, but that was due to being held back a year. Jonathan and her went to the same school, but had made an unspoken promise never to talk to each other in school.

“Elizabeth, why did you scream?”

Elizabeth bit her lip. Jonathan asked, “Elizabeth…. Is this a dream?”

He was dead serious. Between the scifi and anime interests they both shared, the realm of impossibility was never out of the ordinary for any of them. They still believed in ghosts, aliens, extra dimensional monsters, AI simulations. Everything that couldn’t be disproven was still plausible in their views.

Elizabeth answered, “I… Think so…”

 

Jonathan drew on the white board with a sharpie at hand. As Elizabeth recalled, he was still two inches shorter than her with the same bleak short cut hair style he had in her original homeworld.

Jonathan wrote on the board a line with a divider in between. On the left side it said "EARTH BET." And on the right side it said "EARTH PLAIN." Beneath the earth plain column, he wrote 'superheroes fiction' and 'earth Bet is a book'.

Jonathan tapped at his chin, "You're kidding, right?"

"The people in my world didn't believe it either."

Jonathan sighed, he wrote "TRUMP PRESIDENT", on the earth plain side next. Jonathan said, "aright, if this book's any indicator of how to predict this world, you're gonna need to pull out of your ass everything I told you about that world."

"Ugh," Elizabeth slammed her head on the kitchen table, "I literally don't remember. All I know was that it had some badass moments in it, but that was only because you were good at telling me everything that happened in it. You even gave me a bunch of easy to remember fake names so that I could follow along how the story went."

"What were the fake names?"

"Fart girl. She bullies bug girl."

"Bug girl the main character?"

"Yeah."

Jonathan wrote: Bug Girl main character. Fart Girl Antagonist. "Keep it coming," Jonathan said.

"Then there was healer girl. Suffered through depression, I have no idea what she actually did in the plot, only that you kept referring to her as waifu."

Jonathan's face turned hot red. "Okay, let's skip that part."

"Then there was dog girl."

"Hmm... I might need to internet that."

"You also called someone Bitch, I don't know why though."

"Ah," Jonathan wrote 'Hellbound' under the Earth bet section of the board. "What did I say about her?"

"Just that she has a soft spot for dogs, thinks like a dog due to her trigger, and she has a biting fetish."

Jonathan bit his lip, "okay, I really don't know how that last thing can help us."

"Then there was robot girl," Elizabeth began counting down with her fingers, "Black guy, rapist guy, fat clone chick, superhero dick, genderblend captain America, illuminati, mario brothers..."

Jonathan rubbed the templates of his nose, "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about now."

Elizabeth sighed. She stood up from the kitchen table, "look, I don't know what I'm talking about either. You explained to me in detail all the plot devices, but all those little things written between the lines? I won't know them. If we're gonna figure out how I got to this world, I think its best we not fuck up the plot of that book you were reading. Because I don't wanna screw up the ending."

"What was the ending?" Jonathan asked.

Elizabeth shrugged, "I dunno, but let's just assume it's the same as every other superhero ending. Girl saves the day, everyone lives happily ever after. Let's not fudge that up."

Jonathan nodded in agreement.

XXX

Elizabeth entered the bank with the bank teller a few people in front of her. Despite living in a different world, she still had the same responsibilities as she did in her old world. Her parents were too inept at customer service to fix transaction errors, so she was ready to turn in a statement to fix any issues her parents had with their finances. I'm still the responsible one, Elizabeth thought to herself, disappointed she still couldn't catch a break even in a power ruled by superheroes.

Elizabeth looked behind her at the entrance doors of the bank. There were ten or so people behind her, ranging from various ages as she waited for the line in move forward. "Ayo, is it true that the school near here has a bunch of heroes in it?"

The girl in front of her moved her head back, not realizing she was being talked to. "Arcadia bay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I guess so."

She chuckled, "yeah, everyone knows that."

"Beejesus christ, those heroes probably get all the bitches."

The stranger chuckled, but didn't add a comment to that. Elizabeth said, "C'mon girl, be honest. You're seriously telling me you wouldn't try to seduce a superhero if one was right in front of you?"

The person behind Elizabeth tapped at her shoulder, in a hushed whisper he said, "that's Panacea, right in front of you."

"Who the fuck's Panecea?"

 

“I don’t follow.”

“You know, Panacea.”

“Never heard of that word. It sounds like a giraffe.”

“I heal people,” Amy said to Elizabeth. “You really don’t know that?”

Elizabeth blinked at the teenager. “He... Heal people?”

Elizabeth's mind churned for what to say next. The mental gears in her head came to a grinding halt. Time slowed as she formulated a plan for what to say next.

Calm down Elizabeth. I can do this. She’s the depressed girl. Or was it disabled girl? Fuck, who’s disabled and who’s depressed? Makes a big difference I think. Wait, is she the gay one? No, I’m pretty sure the mind reader was gay. Fuck, I was hoping I could seduce her.

Elizabeth yelled, “you read minds!”

Amy cocked her head back, “excuse me?”

Wait wait wait wait wait, every superhero has one power, right? So that means mind reader girl and healer girl are different people… Fuck. Think of something quick to say.

“Are you gay?”

Amy’s eyes furrowed. The question was so blatantly random, Amy wondered if the stranger was making fun of her.

A loud growling was heard in the distance. When the people at the lobby looked over, the lights went out. A cloud of darkness covered them all. “Oh dear God,” Elizabeth instantly hugged Amy and tackled her to the ground, “you gotta hide, now!”

“What? Why?”

“Headcanon!” Elizabeth yelled, not fully elaborating.

After a few minutes of complete darkness, the darkness dissipated. By the time the smokescreen cleared, all the bystanders were laying on the floor. Two monstrous dogs guarded the front entrance, with a smaller mutant animal standing in front of the vault.

The Undersiders were present.

Elizabeth did a headcount as the girl in the spidey suit began talking.

“Fifteen minutes. We won’t be here any longer than that. Stay put, stay quiet, we’ll be gone before fifteen minutes are up. You’ll be free to give your statement to the police and then go about your day as usual. This isn’t a TV show, this isn’t a movie. If you’re thinking about being a hero, don’t. You’ll only get yourself or someone else hurt.”

Elizabeth thought to herself;

You are absolutely right spidey girl, this isn’t a movie, it's a shitty fanfiction of a shitty book. Lets see if I can fuck this up right.

Elizabeth didn’t even hide her gestures. She sat up, and pointed to each of the Undersiders while whispering to herself.

She pointed to Grue, “Black Guy.”

Next at Tattletale. “Definitely waifu. Anyone in lavender is waifu.”

Then at Regent. “Um… Wow, I didn’t even know there was an extra member.”

Lastly at Bitch. “Weaboo… Or was that white girl?” She looked at the mutant dogs, “could be Hellhound...”

And then she turned around analyze the bug eyed girl. Realizing that a slew of insects seemed drawn to the girl, she yelled, “best girl! Er, bug girl!”

The whole team looked over at the unusual girl. She wasn’t at all phased by the predicament she was in. It almost seemed like she was enjoying it. “Hey,” Grue ordered, “stay down. Or else.”

Elizabeth said aloud, “ya’ll are a bunch of scrubs. You think-” In that instance, her arm dropped. Regent waved his hands a few more time, and she eventually fell to the ground. “Oiy, at least let me finish!”

Tattletale and Bug Girl glanced at each other. Bug Girl stared directly at Elizabeth and said, “stay down. I have a black widow spider on every civilian right now. A single bite has been known to kill a full grown human, or put them into a coma. You move, talk, try to kill the spider, I’ll know in a split second and I’ll make it bite you several time. Same goes for everyone else here.”

Elizabeth was laying with her stomach on the ground. She assumed some sort of telekinetic power had made her drop to the ground. Raising her head to look up at Bug Girl, she said, “you don’t have the nuts.” Elizabeth stuck her tongue out. Bug Girl cocked her head back. Elizabeth said, “knowing my luck, it's probably a radioactive spider that’ll give me superpowers.”

Amy took Elizabeth by the palm and squeezed it. Elizabeth looked back at her, and she shook her head. Amy said, “this isn’t a game. Do what they say so you don’t get hurt.”

Elizabeth furrowed her eyes at her. Jonathan had once talked about suicidal people in the book. Was she one of them? She, or any of these other characters, might've needed help. Elizabeth wasn’t going to roll over and let worse things happen.

Elizabeth said, “give them chlamydia.”

“What?”

“You’re a hero right? Go, do your thing.”

Amy’s eyes squinted at her. It was at that moment Tattletale yelled, “Panacea!”

Hellhound whistled, and a dog instantly stood over Amy and growled down at her. Amy froze at the presence of it. Grue ordered, “Regent, Hellhound, take her to the vault. Make sure she doesn’t try anything.”

Fuck. Elizabeth grumbled. Things were about to get much worse.