Being SI is Suffering [Worm, Broke CYOA, Fake-SI]

I present to you, the story that was too risque for Space Battles! Behold all the horror that the mods of those boards could not handle! Weep at the boob jokes and brief, casual jab at necrophilia! Those with delicate sensibilities need not read, cuz it'll kill ya!!!

Original AN:Okay, as someone who loves jumping on bandwagons, I decided to write up some quick and dirty Worm CYOA stuffs. Sadly, as an individual I am definitely not a good fit for self inserts merely for the fact that I am a thoroughly and utterly boring human being. Seriously, my life is as vanilla as it gets. That doesn't make for a good protagonist. What I CAN do well is bullshit and make up stuff (hence being a fanfic writer) so I can make an alternate reality version of me that is interesting and fun to read about. Thus this will not be a true self-insert, but a fake one. If that makes sense.

... also, this CYOA will be broken. Now, I know that the Worm CYOA is broken in and of itself (OP protagonist FTW) but this story will be broken in the traditional, narrative sense. Like, due to lack of reading skills I break the game. Oops.

Anyway, on with the story! I shall try my best not to devolve it into a hilarious harem fic. Honest.


Chapter One: Reading is Fundamental

Ugh. Jesus Christ, I am so hammered right now.

I belch loudly as I fall onto my computer chair, trying but failing to remove the necktie from around my collar that was currently cutting circulation from from my head. Ah, fuck it. My brain can get oxygen later. Right now it was time for internets.

I push the power button on my aging PC and wait for the OS to boot up. Stupid Windows Vista. I really, really should upgrade, but I'm just too cheap and lazy to bother. The last time I updated my OS was a disaster. I mean, seriously; I ended up with Windows Vista for god's sake!

Anyway, I rubbed the bridge of my nose and hiccuped a few times. Did I mention I was hammered? Eh. I just got back from a friend's wedding, and sadly I did not return with one of the hot bridesmaids. I really am awful with women. Maybe being drunk was part of the reason. Ah well. They were all married anyway, so it would have been awkward.

Still, I felt pretty damn depressed. Jim, my friend who just got married, was the last of my close buddies to tie the knot. Now I was the only one in our group who was still single. What made it even worse was that Jim was the ugly one in our group. Seriously, I love the guy, but he makes Steve Buscemi look like Errol Flynn. He's got teeth yellower than a field of sunflowers. His face is more rat-like than an overflowing sewer. He's got belly fat over belly fat. He's got less hair on his head than a newborn's ass, and more hair on his ass than a hipster's face. If I were a woman I'd rather swallow drain cleaner than have that stumpy freak anywhere near my vaj.

But seriously, I love Jim. He's a nice guy.

And yeah, I was still single. It's weird, I'm a pretty good-looking guy. I have no problem getting dates. The problem is keeping women around. The longest relationship I've ever had was two months. And at 28, I wasn't getting any younger. All my buddies probably think I'm an old maid or something. Wait... what's the man version of old maid again? Al Pacino? Gah, I 'm so fucking drunk.

Finally, stupid Windows Vista loaded up. I typed in my password, then waited several more minutes for the thing to chug onto the desktop. Once everything was nice and stable, I opened up my browser and hopped onto the Space Paddles forum to see how my fanfics were doing. I just posted an awesome Rosario Vampire -slash- Law and Order:SVU and wanted to bathe in the praise that my readers were sure to heap upon me.

... only to see that my thread had been locked and deleted and that I'd been temp banned.

Fuck, not again. Seriously, this blatant censorship was really starting to piss me off. THIS is why the art of fanfiction wasn't getting the recognition it deserved! Too many SJW asshats getting offended by the littlest things.

Thankfully, the mods at the Superior Viscosity forums were much less strict and imperious. I scrolled through my thread there and read through the comments.

Spoiler

God damn it. Why were there so many internet trolls on this forum? Seriously, mods, do your jobs!

I shook my head in disgust and was about to close down my browser when I saw the indicator that said I had two private messages sent to my inbox. I clicked on my messages and started reading.

The first message was from Nostradomek saying that he loved my story and how I was such a great writer and if I have any pics posted online. I quickly deleted that message. Freak.

The second message was a link to some imgur page. Hmm. The last time I clicked on an unsolicited imgur link it turned out to be a pic of two Japanese chicks half naked. So of COURSE I clicked it. Sadly, there were no Japanese girls in this one. But what I saw was actually quite interesting.

WORM CYOA

Huh. This was actually kinda cool. I skimmed through all the rules and instructions, and I feel that I got the basic gyst of the thing. The game seemed fun, if only a bit... wordy. I mean, seriously. That's a lotta text there sonny. Dude who made this needs an editor to trim down all the text bloat.

Whatever. I quickly chose all my stats and powers and shit, typing all my choices down into a separate text file for later. I felt my brain trying to leak out of my eyeballs now, and I really should probably get to bed before I pass out in front of my computer. Let's see...

Nature of Entry: Self-Insert, Reincarnation, or Endbringer

Well, this was an easy choice. Self-Inserts are lame; if I wanted to read about a boring fanfic writer going into a story I'd read Twilight. Endbringer seemed neat, but I wasn't too much a fan of turning into a twenty foot tall monstrosity. That might be fun for a few hours, but not having a dong would be totally lame.

That left reincarnation. I can totally write up some super-cool OC, one who'd be sure to kick ass and take names. I'd write up details in the morning. Seriously, I felt like I was about to pass out.

Difficulty

Pssshhh. Skitter Mode of course. I ain't no scrub.

Powers

I skimmed through the gigantic wall of text and felt my alcohol-induced migraine getting larger. Shit. Just choose something, quick, before I throw up all over my expensive mechanical keyboard.

I chose KALLEIDOSCOPE because it sounded cool, and mastery over the multi-verse is super badass.

Companions

Fuck that. I'm a lone wolf, baby. I don't need no help from nobody!

Perks and Complications

Oh yeah, here we go. The good stuff. The MEAT.

Since I chose Skitter Mode, I needed to choose Complications in order to get points to spend on my powers and perks. Hmm... lemme see...

I skim through another big block of text to look for a decent complication that wouldn't be too boring to read about but would be super awesome to write. Ah! Being Taylor is Suffering sounded cool. If I chose to be Taylor then I wouldn't have to think up of an original character to write about. Since I was lazy, that option was very appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that GIRL. It would be pretty cool to be (temporarily) running around in a girl body, with boobs to play with 24/7. Of course... Taylor was underage at the start of the story, so that would be pretty ick. And would that mean that I'd have to cover my eyes while showering for two or three years until she turned legal? Man, that would suck. Whatever, I'll hash out the details tomorrow.

I looked through the rest of the Complications and found the rest to be pretty shitty. I mean, seriously. Worm was a pretty grim setting by itself, it didn't need any help to be even MORE horrible. I did not want to face up against the Slaughterhouse Nine so soon; seriously, those guys are scary. Fuck that. And TWO more Scions? Double Fuck that. The only not suicidal complication left was Marked. Since Taylor was probably gonna piss off a lot of people anyway, this was a pretty easy choice.

So for complications, I chose Being Taylor is Suffering and Marked +3. That gives me two points from BTiS and three from Marked. That's, uh... shit. My head was killing me. And basic arithmetic while totally smashed is not something that I'd recommend people doing. Whatever. I had some points. Um... six, right? Meh.

Now for Perks. Hmm. I had six points to spend, and each costs one point each. That's a lot of perks! Oh well, I can do this. Damn, my brain is on fire. Better do this quick.

BLANK: Hell yeah! Cause fuck Thinkers!
SHATTERED LIMITER: No limits on powers? Why the heck wouldn't I pick this?
INVICTUS: Psssh. I'm no wuss, I don't need this one.
INSPIRATION: Already inspirational. Don't need this shit.
FIRST IMPRESSION: Laaame.
BOTTLED SUPERPOWERS: Oooh. Super Powers in a can? Sure, why not. If I run short on cash I can sell these for a few mil. Neat.
SECRET LAIR: Fuck yeah! I always wanted a super high-tech man cave.
CLOAK AND DAGGER: Yes! I shall be the ultimate super spy!
MANPOWER: What, I can have my own disposable mooks? Of course! Who wouldn't want some of those!
ALTERNATE CONTINUITY: Hmm... If I chose this, I can make changes to the Wormverse. That means I can change Taylor's age, from jailbait to barely legal. Hells yeah. I can then perv out on her any time I want! Yes!

The rest of the perks were for Endbringer characters, so I didn't bother with them. Man, all this perk choosing's made my skull throb. Better finish this up before I end up unconscious on the floor. Again.

I finished up typing in my perks and looked at the text file.

Spoiler

Damn, that took forever. Whatever, my brain is on fire! I'll hash out the details tomorrow. Right now I need to be unconscious, and ASAP. I click save on the text editor and shut down the PC. I then stumbled over a few feet to the couch and crawled onto the battered and stained cushions. I really hope the damned cat didn't pee on the couch again, but right now I was too fucked up to even care if it did. I hate cat piss.

I passed out as soon as my head hit the cushion.

​

• processing worm_cyoa.txt
• execute
• error
• error
• points required for chosen powers and perks exceeds points in reserve
• perk "Secret Lair" unavailable for entry "Reincarnation"
• collate
• resyncing
• recollating boundaries for complication "Taylor is Suffering" to incorporate perks "Secret Lair," "Cloak and Dagger," and "Manpower"
• consolidating perks "Blank" and "Shattered Limiter"
• error
• linking power "Kalleidoscope" with "Taylor is Suffering.02"
• collate
• resynch
• update complete
• execute

​

I blinked awake to find that my face was covered in some sort of fabric. It was tight and constricting and squeezing my face. I panicked, my hands shooting up to my face and clawing away, trying desperately to breath and not suffocate. It wasn't until a minute later that I realized that said fabric was actually thin enough to breathe through and I was in no danger of dying from lack of oxygen.

I sat up, still trying to get the fabric off my face. It was thin enough that I could see out of it, but for some reason I couldn't remove it. I quickly realized that the thing on my face was a mask of some sort, and that the same tight material covered my entire body. I lifted up my hands, seeing the tight black material completely covering the limbs.

Those definitely are not my hands, I thought to myself.

The hands and arms covered in the black fabric were much too thin to be mine. I took a quick glance around and saw that I was in some sort of swanky office, one with bare metal walls and spartan concrete floors. A set of strong steel doors were at the other end of my desk, which was also stainless steel and had a really cool looking flatscreen monitor on top of it. I was currently seated in a plush leather chair, and looking down I could see that my my entire body was clothed in the same black mesh that was covering my face and hands.

"What the fuck?" I asked aloud. Shit. That was definitely not my voice.

What the FUCK happened last night? I remember coming home totally smashed from Jim's wedding. I logged onto my computer... did some surfing on SP and SV...

Shit. It was that stupid Worm Choose Your Own Adventure thing. It was responsible for this mess, I just knew it. I read enough fanfics to know where this was going.

My hands suddenly shot up to my chest. Dammit. No boobs. One hand left my chest to crawl down between my legs. Yep. Still a man.

So I wasn't Taylor. Unless in this universe Taylor Hebert was born a boy. But no, that made no sense! I didn't even get to finish writing up the details! Why the fuck was I suddenly here now?

I stood up and looked around the office. I saw that aside from the main doors across my desk, there was a door to the right of my desk and one directly to my left. I walked over to the right door and tried the knob.

Locked.

Dammit. I shook my head and wandered over to the left door. The knob turned and lights automatically switched on, bathing the dark room inside in bright artificial light. It was a bathroom, complete with a shower stall, toilet, and sink with mirror. I stopped dead in my tracks upon seeing the reflection in said mirror.

"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me," I muttered.

The man in the mirror was thin. Incredibly thin. Covered in the tight black bodysuit, he looked even more like a skeleton. But what struck me most about his outfit was the large silver snake emblazoned upon the costume. Its body was wrapped around the torso, coiling around the black bodysuit from toe up to the face, where the head of the cobra was poised ready to strike.

 

Chapter 2: All the Shit in the World Fell in My Mouth


Shit.

Shit shit shit shit SHIT.

Coil? Seriously? COIL?

I fucking hate Coil. The guy was a major dick. Sure, he had a cool power, but MAJOR DICK.

Man, this self-insert sucked. I had been looking forwards to writing about being in Taylor's alternate universe college coed body, too. Now I'm stuck in stupid Coil's stupid scarecrow-like form. Oh well, at least I'm a lot taller now.

Wait a minute! Why the hell was I in Coil's body, anyway? I distinctly remember that I chose the complication that made me be reincarnated as Taylor Hebert, Worm's protagonist and general munchkin-y badass. So unless I was so drunk that I just dreamed up the memories of doing so, which I admit is quite possible since I was totally smashed last night, then there was some tomfoolery going on here.

I stomped out of the bathroom and back into Coil's office, making my way to the desk. I plopped my new skinny form onto the plush leather chair (Oooh, comfy!) and tapped at the keyboard that was laying atop the desk and waking up the computer from sleep mode. I suppressed a shudder when my fingers tapped onto the keys, feeling the disgustingly squishy texture of the membrane keyboard. Ugh, and I thought Coil couldn't be any more awful and monstrous.

On the screen of the monitor I saw the desktop of some unknown operating system, and I honestly wasn't surprised to see that it was just a simple blank gray with no decorative wallpaper at all. There were also a distinct lack of shortcuts, which was the complete opposite of mine. My computer's desktop was so cluttered with junk that it was a mess to get through. Coil's desktop only had two files on it: one was the trashbin icon, the other was a text file of some sort.

Wait... I leaned closer to the flatscreen monitor and read the text file's name.

worm_cyoa.txt

Aha! That was the file I was typing up last night! A clue!

I reached over for the mouse so that I could click on the text file to open it, but my hand dropped down onto empty desk. I looked down at the desk's top and found nothing but the monitor and wireless keyboard there. What the hell? Where was the mouse? I began searching.

I looked under the desk: my feet and a large metal brief case. I popped open the drawers on the desk: some files, several thumb drives, and a badass looking gun. Cool, I'll have to play with that later, after I find that stupid mouse. Next I searched under my chair, but nothing was there. Dammit!

I sat back up and stared at the monitor in annoyance. Scrunching my lips up under the mask, I reached forwards and touched the screen, over where the icon of the text file was located. Lo and behold, the file opened up!

"Oh, it's a touch-screen monitor," I muttered to myself in irritation. Well, ain't he soooo fancy. Fancy Man Coil and his Mouse-less computer setup. OOoooooooh. Soooo faaaancy.

Fucking Coil. Such a hipster douchebag.

Anyway, I began reading through the file. It was basically the same thing I had typed up last night, but on the bottom there was some weird garbled text.

Spoiler

"The fuck is this shit?" I asked leaning in to read the weird stuff at the bottom. "... points required exceeds points in reserve? Unavailable perk? Recollating boundaries? Shit."

I was beginning to get some sort of grasp on what had occurred. Due to my inebriated state, my tabulation of the points for the CYOA game was less than... accurate. I not only miscounted the amount of points I earned from choosing those complications, but I also forgot to apply said points to the power I had chosen. I also chose the perk "Secret Lair," which did not go with the Reincarnation entry. So yeah, I royally fucked up on all parts of this thing. In order to validate the choices I made, the... thing that made all this happen stuck together some perks, rewrote some complications, and linked some traits to the whatsits to the whoos-its. Shit, this was complicated.

In short, the stupid program or God or the Universe or Fate or whatever rewrote a whole bunch of stuff to make the choices I made work within the context of the rules of the game. Which meant I was Coil now.

Fucking Coil.

Shit, this sucked. I leaned back into my chair (still comfy!) and began drumming the fingers on my right hand across the hard metal top of my desk. I frowned under the mask and began to think about what I had to do now.

I needed a fucking drink.

No! NO. That's how you got into this mess in the first place, idiot. No more drinking! At least, not until you get home.

So, anyway, let's take stock of our situation: I was now in the terrifying shithole that was the Wormverse, in the city of Brockton Bay if being Coil was anything to go by. I was a super villain who had the ability to split the timeline into two parallel universes and could pick and choose which one to keep. I had an army of highly trained and totally expendable mercenaries at my disposal, as well as millions of dollars and a whole lot of gear and resources. My secret identity was also Thomas Calvert, a high ranking member of the PRT. Or a consultant. Whatever, I can never get what the heck he was straight. Meh.

Hmm... I could work with this. According to the CYOA rules, I had to stop Scion in order to win the game. I think. I was pretty drunk and definitely should have read all the fine print. Dammit. Whatever. I can do this. I memorized all the events of Worm when I was writing my fanfic Regicide. It was about Regent going after his father Heartbreaker and having to fight his 99 brothers and sisters until he got to his father where they would battle to the death. It had pretty good reviews on FanaticFiction.net.

And I'm getting off topic. Anyway, not only do I have Coil's vast resources, but I also know EVERYTHING that happens during Worm canon. I know when Taylor triggered, the day she fights Lung and meets the Undersiders, when Laviathan attacks, when the Slaughterhouse 9 enter Brockton Bay, all of it. Yes. Yes! I can do this!

With my help, Scion is going down with minimal bloodshed! Ooooh yeah. I'm awesome.

I chuckled, feeling pretty good with myself. This plan will work, yep. I just had to coordinate exactly with the dates in my head. If I super munchkin this thing, I should be able to pull it off without a hitch. Yep. Now, what day is it so that I can set up my super duper ultra-cool master plan?

I turned back to the monitor and looked down at the date in the corner of the taskbar.

08:32 26 March 2015



​

"SHIT!" I scream out loud, tossing that stupid membrane keyboard across the room.

 

Chapter 3: Morgan Fucking Freeman

I eventually calmed down after taking long, deep breaths. It was then that I discovered another problem, one that was of more immediate importance than the fact that I was some two years into the future of when the canon story ended. I could figure out what the heck happened there, but I definitely needed to handle this problem NOW.

In other words, I needed to pee.

I stood up from Coil's hella-comfy leather chair and shuffled my way towards the open bathroom door. I grumbled a bit when I saw that Coil's toilet was one of those fancy stainless-steel types; like I said, Pretentious DOUCHE bag.

Ignoring how douchey the toilet was, I stepped up to it then reached down to the crotch of my costume to unzip and unleash my whammy. Unfortunately, just like with the mouse at the desk, the zipper was not to be found.

"Seriously?" I patted down around my groin, hoping that I just missed the damn thing and it was actually there, or maybe the suit was made from Tinkertech bullshit material that parted if you pulled at it hard enough.

"Uh... unzip!" I stated out loud just in case the release was a vocal command. "Open sesame! Drop the drawbridge! Behold Heaven's Gate! FUCK!"

Okay, definitely not a Tinkertech zipper then. How the hell are you supposed to get out of this damn thing?

I began patting down my entire costume, looking for a latch or release lever or SOMETHING, when my gloved fingers found a zipper at the back of the neck. Finally! With a grumble I began pulling the zipper down and slowly began to pull my body out of the tight black mesh of the bodysuit.

Seriously, fuck Coil. This outfit was so freaking inefficient. How do you pee or poop when you had to take the entire costume off to do it! Knowing that bastard though, Coil probably just held it in until he went home for the day. Freak.

I cursed in annoyance when I realized I had to pull off the head and cowl of the outfit before I could shrug the shoulders off. With a loud grunt, I yanked off the black fabric from my face then paused in shock when I saw my reflection.

Holy shit.

Looking back at me from the mirror was Morgan Fucking Freeman. Yes, I'm serious! Morgan Freeman, Oscar-winning actor and stars of such classic films as Driving Miss Daisy, The Shawshank Redemption, and the modern day masterpiece, Deep Impact.

"Seriously?" I asked out loud. Yep, same hair, same skin shade, same beard, same face! Shit, even the voice was Morgan Fucking Freeman. Sure, it was a younger Freeman who was in his mid forties that was in the mirror, but it was still MORGAN FREEMAN.

"It only took me six days, same as it took the Lord to make the world.

"It's impressive to see a man feeding off his emotions.

"Cities fall but they are rebuilt. Heroes die but they are remembered.

"Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle.

"Only guilty man in Shawshank."

HOLY SHIT. I was Morgan Freeman!

I began to laugh like a lunatic. Then I stopped, as a sudden horrible thought occurred to me.

"Wait... Coil is Morgan Freeman?!"

Yeah, that's kind of messed up. I always pictured Thomas Calvert to be a creepy white guy, like Steve Fucking Buscemi. Not a kindly fatherish figure like Morgan Fucking Freeman. Honestly, I can't even remember if Wildbow described Calvert or not. Maybe it was just my own personal prejudices that saw Coil as a Buscemi instead of a Freeman. That actually says a lot about my own inner hangups and biases, that I never pictured a madman like Coil to be anything but white.

... or it could just be more fuckery from the mess that dumb CYOA thing made.

Whatever.

Still... it explained a lot about Coil, of how people followed him so easily. If some creepy guy in a tight black bodysuit was telling me to join him and he had Morgan Freeman's dulcet tones, then you can be sure as hell I'd follow that dude anywhere! Morgan Freeman can talk me into doing anything.

ANYTHING.

Oh well. I guess Coil wasn't so bad after all.

Spoiler

​

 

Chapter Four: When Deciding Between Steak or Lamb, Always Chose Both

After taking care of business in the bathroom, I flushed, washed my hands, then put Coil's costume back on. I wandered back into the office with a new spring in my step, mood generally brightened up by the fact that I was Morgan Fucking Freeman. Seriously, is that cool or what?

I quickly sat back on the leather chair (which I shall now dub the Throne of Comfort) and turned to the monitor. While on the can I had thought out a new plan to win this game. Firstly, I would go on Google and find out what the fuck is going on. I'd search the fuck out of the internet and find out why exactly Coil was still alive, why the world hadn't ended, and whether or not Taylor Hebert was over 18.

I moved my fingers over the keyboard and began to type on the keys when I noticed that strangely my fingers were touching nothing but air. I frowned behind my mask, then looked down. Huh. Where'd that keyboard go?

Oh. Right.

I turned my head and leaned to the side, spotting the missing keyboard against the far wall. It was currently broken in half with its plastic keys scattered all over the floor.

Right. Okay, move research down to step number two then. The first thing I needed to do was get a new keyboard.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted I heard a beep from the computer. I turned back to the monitor and saw that a window had popped up on the desktop. In it was a video feed of a weasely-looking man with glasses. He was looking into the camera with a stout and professional air. Beneath his image were the words "Mr. Reeves."

"Sir?" the man asked, his voice coming from the monitor's speakers.

I blinked. Shit. Who was this asshole? "Um... yes?"

"It is time for your lunch to be served," Mr. Reeves stated through the camera. "What would you like for today?"

I blinked again. Shit. I don't know what they served here. "Uh... what do you recommend?"

"Well, the cooking staff have just received some fresh shipments of meat this morning," Reeves answered without pause. "I sampled both their lamb as well as the steak. Both were divine."

Damn. Coil gets served that expensive shit every day? Sweet. Come to think of it, I was pretty hungry. But which one should I get? Both the steak and the lamb sounded fucking delicious. Hmmm...

Wait a minute! Why am I bothering trying to decide? I'm freaking Coil, remember? I can split like the timeline and shit. I can have both.

This was a perfect opportunity to test out my power, too. I know last night I chose the Kaleidoscope powerset, but with all the shit that's happened I don't know if I still have it. I should see if I have Coil's original canon ability first before I bother testing for the BS OP one from the CYOA rule set.

Now then. How exactly did Coil do it?

I heard a polite cough coming from the computer and looked over to see Reeves waiting patiently. "Is there... something wrong, sir?"

Yeesh, keep your panties on. Out loud I said, "Silence. I am deciding on the proper course of action." Hell yeah, that was definitely a Coil-ish thing to say! I am the in-character master!

I was only half surprised when Mr. Reeves did as he was told without complaint. I guess Coil payed him pretty well to put up with my bullshit. Plus, the whole super villain thing might also have something to do with it.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and concentrated. How the hell am I supposed to split timelines?

Just thinking about doing it seemed to do the trick, as suddenly and inexplicably I felt something in my worldview crack and soon there were two of me.

Well, if you wanna get technical there's only one of me. It's just that my consciousness is split between two different timelines. I think. Coil's power never really was explained very well in the web serial. Bah, whatever. I still did it.

I was seated in the comfy chair in Coil's office, and I was also seated in the comfy chair in Coil's office. Two me's yet only one me. I experimented, having one of the me's think about baseball and have the other me think about boobies. Huh. It worked. I, the me that was one, was distinctly aware of myself thinking about baseball and how boring it was. Yet I was also distinctly aware that another I was thinking about boobies, which were far from boring.

... also, one of the me's now had an uncomfortable tightness in his pants. Dammit.

Being two different yet the same people was kind of weird. I could still think separate thoughts yet it was like I was one guy thinking both of them. And there was no confusion whatsoever. This was pretty cool. Like reverse multiple personality disorder.

Anyway, I turned back to the patient Mr. Reeves and told him in one reality that I wanted steak while the other reality me told him that I wanted lamb. Both Reeves nodded, said "Very good choice, sir" almost at the same time, then cut the feed as I assumed he went to get my meal.

Now what? I was now two separate yet the same person who was now waiting for his food. Being two people actually made the wait twice as boring, and I was ready to claw my face off by the time the door to my office chimed and Mr. Reeves entered pushing along a cart laden with food. Upon the cart was the main steak/lamb entree, along with various side dishes and deserts. Reeves (both of them) pushed the cart to the side of my desk whereupon he placed knife and fork next to the large plate. It was kind of weird seeing both lunch carts in two realities, since they were both identical in every way except for the main entree.

Reeves moved to pour me a glass of wine, but I waved him off. I swore to myself earlier that I wasn't gonna touch that stuff again, at least not until I made it out of here and back home. Reeves nodded and poured me a glass of water instead. After he was done, the short man promptly left.

Once alone, I moved to dig in (the aroma of the food was divine) but then realized I still had my mask on. Dammit! I struggled for a few minutes, undoing the back zipper and pulling my head out from the body mesh, and made a mental note to move Google research down to step three. Step two is definitely to buy a new freaking costume!

After getting my head free from my black mesh prison, I happily dug in. I was pretty hungry, so I ate everything on my plate. If I had any doubts that being Coil wouldn't be so bad, it was laid to rest after eating that meal. Hot DAMN that shit was good! It's quite the wonder Coil was so skinny with food this good to eat around here. I'd probably bloat up real big if I wasn't careful. Maybe I can split meals up between timelines? Hmmm...

Once I was done I fixed up my costume then pushed Reeve's icon which was still open on the touchscreen monitor. Within seconds Reeve's face appeared in the window. "Are you done with your meal, sir?"

"Yes, you can come collect the cart," I said. Usually I'd say please at the end of a statement like that, but Coil didn't strike me as the type to say "please" for anything. Gotta keep in character, after all. "Oh, and please bring me a new keyboard."
Shit! I slipped up! Dammit!

Reeves didn't seem too bothered by my politeness, and merely nodded before rushing off again. Hopefully he'll be back quickly, as I wasn't too keen on waiting in stereo again.

Speaking of which, now that I was done with my test, I should probably collapse one of these timelines to save on energy or something. Was that how it worked? Eh, better safe than sorry. I'd probably get rid of the lamb universe since that me wasn't feeling too good; the meal probably hadn't agreed too with him. I concentrated, this time focusing on collapsing the timeline instead of splitting it, and lo and behold my awareness of that universe crumbled to pieces. Wow, that was simple.

So far so good. I wasn't doing too bad. I managed to use Coil's power pretty well, and without any weird crisis or traumatic event happening. Maybe I'll manage to actually pull this off.

"Yep," I told myself while leaning back in my chair, crossing my hands behind my head and tossing my feet atop my desk. "Nothing could possibly go wrong now. Absolutely NOTHING. Nope. Nopety-nope nope."

...

...

...

"Not a damn thing."

...

...

... the sudden ringing caught me completely by surprise. Seriously, I almost fell out of my chair.

I looked over to the monitor, but the ringing chime wasn't coming from the computer. The noise seemed to be emanating from one of my desk drawers. I opened said drawer up and looked inside, quickly spotting a ringing cell phone next to that cool gun I saw earlier. (Note to self: need to play with that later. New Step Three.)

I picked up the phone and looked at the screen. Huh. Seems I got a text message. I navigated to the inbox and cringed when I read the message.

Spoiler

ABB on the move. Very angry at us for stealing their shipment. Lung likely to act himself. Expecting attack tonight.
-TT

Huh.

Well, at least we know what part of the story we were in. But why the heck is everything happening four years late?

And shit. Tattletale. Dammit, if she gets anywhere near me she'll be able to figure out I'm not Coil. I can already see her stupid smug grin as she blackmails me for her silence.

Dammit!

I leaned across my desk and steepled my fingers together in front of my face. Hmmm. I needed to find a way to fix this situation and fast. I can't let the Undersiders get fried, that'll be so not canon. Plus they were pretty good kids, all things considered. It would be wrong to just let them die. I guess.

Even if Tattletale is such an annoying, smarmy bitch. I just KNOW she's gonna fuck with me. I hate it when people fuck with me. Dammit.

Grumbling under my breath, I took the phone and began texting Tattletale back. Hopefully she won't be able to glean too much from a simple text message.

Spoiler

WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.
-Big Boss

And sent. There. Now I bought myself some time, so hopefully the Undersiders will stay put. Lung won't attack until tonight and Taylor will be there to knock him out, so as long as Tattletale and her friends stay put, they should be safe.

The phone chimed again. I sighed, looking down at its screen and just knowing that the news would be bad.

Spoiler

cant just engaged LUng

sorry : (

-TT

....

DAMMIT TATTLETALE!

 

Chapter Cinco: Acting Like a Badass is Hard

God damn it!

Glod damn it!

GOD DAMN IT!

Why the hell were things happening so differently from canon? First, it was the date, being a whole four years and some change off from what it was in the original story. Then it was Lung, FUCKING OP DRAGON CHINESE SAMURAI LUNG, attacking the Undersiders not at night like he was supposed to, but in broad fucking daylight where Taylor wouldn't be around to stop him.

Shit. If things kept diverging like this, then my Ace in the Hole (namely my vast MEMORIZED timeline of Wormverse events) would be freaking useless! Ugh! This was so unfair!

Whatever, complain about the bullshit of the universe later. Right now you have to save the Undersiders. We're gonna need them if we ever want to win this game and get home.

I tap Mr. Reeves' icon on my monitor, and saw the man's weasely face pop up. "Reeves! Get everyone important in here NOW." I made sure my Morgan Freeman voice was distinctly serious-sounding and not to be fucked with.

"Yes, sir," Reeves stated before rushing off. He didn't sound at all impressed. Fucker.

Within a few minutes, the door chime sounded and I bid them enter (ooh, I sound like a cultured super villain already). Reeves walked in followed by a big scary dude in black tactical gear and a hot blond woman in a pantsuit.

"What's the situation, sir?" the guy in the tactical gear asked while standing at attention.

Shiiit. I feel like I'm a general. I guess, technically, I was. Technically.

I took a deep breath, summoning my formidable strategic skillz gained from countless hours Star Craft and League of Legends, then began to explain the situation. "Gentlemen, and lady." I nodded to the hottie in the suit, who gave me a bright, heart-melting smile. Note to self: find out who this chick is and replace Reeves with her. Anyway, I continued. "A few minutes ago, I received confirmation that one of my important assets in the field, namely the Undersiders, have come under attack by the super criminal Lung and his forces." God DAAAMN I sounded awesome. Morgan Fucking Freeman's voice is just perfect for these super villain speeches. "It is tantamount to my plans that they live. Now then, all of you. Please give me your assessment."

Big dude nodded, then spoke in crisp, precise tones. "Well, sir. Since this is Lung we're talking about, I have no doubt that the damage to surrounding property will be catastrophic. Due to the danger to the public, the Protectorate and PRT would most likely mobilize. If the Undersiders can survive long enough for the heroes to get to them, then they can slip out quietly once the Protectorate engage Lung."

I nodded.

Reeves spoke up. "Of course, it will take anywhere from fifteen to thirty minutes for the entire Protectorate team to mobilize and get to the Undersiders' location. Our forces can get there faster, since we are already geared up and closer."

Big scary dude frowned at the short man, obviously annoyed. I guess he didn't relish the thought of having to take on Lung himself.

"There is also the other members of the AZN BAD BOYZ to deal with," Reeves continued. "The only other parahuman member of the gang is Oni Lee, but he's quite the formidable opponent. The ABB is also the largest gang in the city, so they have a vast assortment of non-powered thugs to throw at us. My guess would be that they will be around to keep away the Protectorate and local law enforcement while Lung is busy slaughtering the Undersiders."

Damn, Reeves. I guess now I know why Coil keeps you around. Okay, you've proven your worth. You may stay.

"Can you and your men sneak by Oni Lee and his mob?" I asked the big guy.

He nodded. "Easily." Well, ain't you confident? Fine. I'll keep you as well.

I then turn to the blond hottie, who was standing still looking extremely lost. "And your assessment, my dear?" Shit. Did Coil ever call anyone "my dear?" in canon? I can't remember. I know he had a creepy pet name for Dinah, but I'm not sure if he ever called anyone else that. But all super villains of the Cultured Evil Mastermind trope said "my dear" didn't they?

The blond jumped when I directed my question to her. She looked extremely nervous and let out a tight laugh. "Um, I, uh, really don't have much to contribute. I guess you don't remember me, but I'm Lacey Stalson... you hired me to oversee the renovation of your base? I'm the one who picked out your chair? Heh..."

.... seriously?

I turned my head slowly to Reeves and glared. Why the FUCK did you bring her into this meeting, dumbass?! I wanted to yell at him, but I remained silent.

Reeves seemed to figure out that I was trying to telepathically smash in his skull, since he coughed softly and looked a bit embarrassed. "I apologize, sir. But you ordered me to bring everyone important. You didn't specify as to what this meeting was about."

Fuck. Fine, you get to live, Reeves. But I'm watching you!

"Um, Mr. Coil? Sir?" Lacey squeaked out. I turned my attention back to her and she was all but shaking in her boots. Er, heels. "A-are you going to kill me? Because I know too much?" The woman looked about to break down in tears.

Are you serious? Fuck no, you're too hot to kill. "Of course not," I told her in my debonair, Morgan Freeman voice. "I may be a super villain, but I am not a barbarian. You may return to your duties, Ms. Stalson."

The blond let out a laugh of relief and smiled widely at me. "Oh, thank God! And thank, you, sir! I... thank you!" She quickly made her exit, looking very much like she'd just dodged a bullet. Did she seriously think I was gonna kill her just because she overheard a meeting about me trying to save the Undersiders?

SHIT! The Undersiders! They were at this moment fighting for their lives, all while I was sitting there gawking at my interior decorator! Shit!

I quickly turned to big scary dude. I should probably learn his name. LATER!

"Gather as much men as you need for this mission, and use whatever tools we have in our arsenal," I told him. "Back up the Undersiders, keep all of them alive at any cost. Once the Protectorate arrive, withdraw."

Although it was obvious he didn't like it, the big guy nodded. "Yes, sir." He then turned quickly and left.

Phew. That was stressful. Being a mastermind-type super villain was hard work. Well, sure, technically it was other people doing the hard work, but acting like I knew what the hell I was doing was rough. I look back to Reeves, who was standing where he was, obviously waiting for further instructions. Good, I did have one other question to ask him.

"Reeves," the short man straightened up when I addressed him. "You stated earlier that Oni Lee was the only parahuman besides Lung that the ABB employed. What of Bakuda?"

"Bakuda? Oh, yes, the Tinker who held Cornell hostage." Reeves pursed his lips as confusion settled on his face. "I... was just about to add that information to your afternoon report. From what we know, this Bakuda's prison transport was attacked and she was set free. Reports indicated that she is indeed headed to Brockton Bay, most likely to join up with the ABB. I... I am astounded that you knew this information before I did."

I gave the guy a Morgan Fucking Freeman chuckle, then said, "I know a lot of things that you don't, Mr. Reeves."

The man merely nodded, taking me at my word. He probably thought it was part of my weird ass powerset or something.

Hmm... interesting. So in this continuity Bakuda still had not joined the ABB. In canon she was a crazy psycho bitch who almost killed the Undersiders. BUT... she was a crazy psycho bitch who made really awesome and powerful bombs. Anyone who had her in their pocket (and could control her) would have a really powerful Ace up their sleeve.

"Mr. Reeves," I said aloud. "I want her." And not just in the biblical sense, either.

Reeves smiled, then nodded. "Consider it done, sir."

Shiiit. Reeves, you my man.

 

Chapter 6: In Which I Kick Lung's Ass and Make Him Cry

I bit my lip as I watched the proceeding battle on my monitor. Reeves had brought me another keyboard (still membrane though, uck) and we were currently seeing events through the helmet cameras of Major Steel and his group. Steel (who was the big scary guy I met earlier) had his men in strategic locations far away from Lung and the battle, each merc taking quick potshots at the dragon man. They were all firing the Tinkertech laser attachments that was on the underside of their rifle barrels, though it was questionable how effective the devices were. They didn't do much damage to the maniac that I could see, mostly just searing into his skin and burning off a few scales, but it was obviously painful since Lung kept roaring in rage whenever one of the purple beams carved into him.

The Undersiders had taken to performing a fighting retreat while my men backed them up, but it was slow going. Lung was as tough as they came. He was arguably the most powerful cape in the city, and he was showing that power here. If the Protectorate didn't get there soon, then that dragon samurai bastard would be way too big and strong to be stopped.

We needed a plan, dammit. I wracked my brain, trying to come up with any good ideas. Think, brain! THINK!

Hmmm... I actually had a lot of ideas I could try. I could order some fast cars to rush over there and drive the Undersiders away. Or maybe use some of the missiles that Reeves said was held in reserve in the armory. I could even quickly hire Faultline and her crew to distract Lung, though it would have been expensive. So many options, but unfortunately time wasn't on our side. With Lung growing stronger with every passing second, he would soon prove unstoppable.

As Coil, I could always split the timeline and implement at least two of my strategies. But choosing which one of those strategies was the problem. Also, maybe I should keep one of the timelines as a control and just let things play out as they are, just in case. You never know, any one of the choices I implement could just make the outcome worse than not doing anything at all.

Shit.

Finally deciding on a course of action, I split the timeline. I silently cursed Coil's limitation, wishing that I could do more. And... just like that... one of my timelines split again.

Whoa.

"Sir?" All three Reeves turned to ask me.

Whoops. Note to self: never quote the great Keanu out loud, especially when in the presence of a guy with the same last name as him.

"Noting," I tersely stated.

Still. Silent whoa.

This was unexpected. Unexpected and AWESOME. Holy sheeeet. Canon Coil could only split the timeline in half. Now I had three! I wonder...

The me that was in that third new timeline concentrated, and with mounting excitement I felt the timeline split again.

"Fuck yeah!" Me number four shouted.

Reeves 4 looked at me funny.

Whoops. I promptly collapsed that timeline. Can't have him thinking me weird or something.

Going further in my experimentation, I tried to split the timeline that I had split reality number three from, and found that it wouldn't work. Hmmm. I went into it's alternate and concentrated, finding that one easily splitting in half, thus giving me a new number 4. Interesting. So I can create a branch out of each split timeline, but only once. And said branch can be split again, and so on and so on. Neat. I wonder what the limit was, if there was even a limit at all.

Kaleidoscope.

That word rung in my head, and I remembered the power set that I had chosen from that Worm CYOA. It was supposed to give me mastery over all of the multiverse, but since I borked it by being drunk and not reading properly, it seemed that the power had gotten quite limited. From what I can tell, my Kaleidoscope only expanded upon Coil's canon power, not replacing it entirely. Still, being able to split the universe in half numerous times was fucking awesome.

Throughout all four timelines, I chuckled maniacally. All four Reeves did their best to ignore me.

With as many timelines as I could make, I would be UNSTOPPABLE. I could implement whatever strategy I wanted, all without having to fear any consequence.

I was... like a GOD.

Okay, don't get ahead of yourself. Going all powermad will just get you borked in the end. Just calm the fuck down and save the Undersiders.

With a nod, I got to work.

Timeline #1 I left as my control, not doing anything and letting things play out. In Timeline 2, I had Reeves authorize the use of our shoulder mounted anti-tank munitions, and I tried very hard not to think about how much each of those missiles were costing me. In Timeline 3, I had Reeves send out our fastest transports to pick up the Undersiders, with instructions to drive each member to separate safe houses located in different parts of the city. In the last timeline I had ordered Reeves to contact Faultline's crew and hire them to distract Lung; I was a little worried that he wouldn't know how to get in touch with the mercenary, but thankfully the man had her contact info on hand. Obviously Coil had used their services in the past.

I then sat tensely as I watched events unfold in four different universes, the action playing out on my flatscreen monitor through my men's helmet cameras. Minutes of action packed surveillance footage ticked by as I twiddled my fingers nervously. I watched in one timeline as dozens of rockets sailed through the air to smash into Lung's flaming silvery hide, detonating with a resounding blast that covered the dragon man and three abandoned city blocks in fire and debris. In another timeline I watched Grue attempting to smother Lung in his darkness in order to buy a limping Regent time to escape, but an sudden gout of yellow flame erupted from his shadows to engulf them both. In another, I saw members of the Undersiders shuffled into unmarked sedans before the cars sped off, but Lung had managed to catch up to Bitch as she was delayed in trying to load her shrinking moster dogs into the back of a lorry. In the last timeline I saw Faultline and her team of misfits arrive to engage Lung, mostly employing delaying and diversionary tactics while intricately engraved towers of metal began to grow up from the concrete, hemming in Lung and preventing him from catching up to the Undersiders.

It was forty minutes before the fight was over, and in four dimensions I let out a deep breath. In two of them, the breath was one of relief. In one, it was of anger. And in another, of grief.

In the control timeline, Tattletale and Bitch managed to escape, but Grue and Regent were killed. So were Major Steel and a third of his men.

In Timeline 2, events were much better. The Undersiders all got away and none of Steel's men were hurt, but much of the docks had been decimated in the missile bombardment.

Timeline 3 had some casualties as well. Grue, Tattletale, and Regent managed to escape, but Bitch was caught by Lung and killed. Three of Steel's men also died trying to extract her.

Timeline 4 was a success, too, with Faultline's crew delaying Lung enough for the Undersiders and Steel's mercs to get away. In fact, it took Lung so long to get out of Labrynth's trap that the Protectorate had managed to arrive and engage him. As of now, the two groups were still fighting.

With a heavy sigh, I collapsed timelines one and three. Any reality in which a member of the Undersiders died was unacceptable. That left the universes two and three. I cringed when, in Timeline 4, Reeve told me just how much Faultline had demanded before she agreed to take on my task. Ouch. I really hope Coil had enough saved away to cover that bill.

I felt much better about the merc's fee though when, in Timeline 2, Reeves gave me an estimate on how much it would cost to cover the used munitions. Couple that with the devastation caused to the city's economy with the destruction of the Docks, and Faultline's insane price tag seemed like a bargain. With an annoyed grunt, I collapsed Timeline 2.

Shit. Being a God was expensive.

I leaned back into my seat in exhaustion. Strangely enough, I didn't feel at all tired from keeping four separate universes in existence. I was mostly weary from the stress and tension of watching four different action movies play out in front of me, not to mention the emotional drain of watching people die in some of them. It was a bit troubling watching people die. It wasn't like in the movies, where they go out noble-y in a hail of gunfire and glory. It wasn't even like those sick horror movies where people die screaming and in pain. No... the deaths I saw were mostly quick, but they were so final. Like swatting a fly, only with a human life. So fragile.

I was snapped out of my dour mood by my phone ringing. I picked it up from the desk and looked at the screen.

Spoiler

Thanks for the assist, Boss. We really, really appreciate it.
-TT

I smiled a tired smile beneath my mask. "You're welcome," I muttered, though I knew I couldn't tell her that. Instead I typed up an acceptable reply and hit send.

Spoiler

I will not make a habit of this.
Do NOT expect such aid again any time soon.
-Big Boss

I shut off the phone and placed it atop my desk, then rubbed at my aching eyeballs through my mask. Although saving the Undersiders was necessary, I knew there would be repercussions. For the most part, I had just outed Coil as backing the Undersiders. Now most of the other gang leaders, as well as the PRT, would know that the illusive villain was up to something. This meant that I couldn't use the Undersiders as Coil's puppets anymore, as everyone would know that whatever seemingly innocuous bank heist or robbery they did would be part of my greater master plan. Not that I had any at the moment, mind you. But it was still irritating.

Whatever. I'll figure something out. I just hope things don't get any more irritating than they already are.

MARKED +3

1) AZN BAD BOYZ
2) PROTECTORATE/PRT
3) ------

​

 

Interlude: Blond Smug Machine

Lisa settled herself carefully down onto the couch, wincing slightly as her bruised body complained from the slight pressure of her weight settling onto the soft cushions. Her purple costume was a bit singed, but otherwise she was okay. She pulled off her mask, then leaned back and groaned in bliss as she allowed herself to rest her weary form. After the life or death struggle she had just been through, leaning back and relaxing felt fantastic.

Her team mates were all in similar condition. Alec had all but collapsed into a nearby recliner as soon as they had entered the safe house their benefactor had provided. The thin young man was probably asleep, though Lisa couldn't be a hundred percent sure since he hadn't bothered to take his mask off when he crashed. She didn't want to use her power to find out, either, since she had used it extensively in their flight from Lung and his goons, and was now suffering a very irritating and painful headache because of it.

Brian, meanwhile, was draped over the opposite end of the couch from her, looking all but dead to the world. He had taken off his helmet to reveal a soot and sweat-stained face. The poor guy was probably the most injured out of all of them, as he had stayed pretty close to Lung during the entire time they were running from him, trying (and mostly failing) to keep the monster covered in his darkness.

The only member of the Undersiders not half dead was Rachel, who was currently in the safe house's garage tending to her dogs. Brutus had been injured, though not too badly, but even a slight scratch was enough to get Rachel into her over-protective mama mode. Everyone wisely chose to leave her alone.

"Everyone okay?" Brian asked.

It was the first time anyone had said a word out loud since Coil's mercenaries had dropped them off here. After escaping Lung, their gang was intercepted by several unmarked vans driven by the illusive villain's men. After shrinking Rachel's dogs, the group got into the vehicles and they took off, heading away from the Docks district and traveling south to Downtown. The steely-eyed mercs then dropped the young villains off, one of them handing Lisa the keys to the place. He told them that their mutual employer would contact them in a few days, and to lay low until he did so.

Frankly, that was fine with her. She felt like she wouldn't be able to move for that long, anyway.

"I'm dead," complained Alec. "Leave me alone."

Brian rolled his eyes and playfully kicked at his team mate's foot, causing the gaudily-dressed villain to moan in mock pain upon contact.

"Shit, don't joke about that. We almost nearly did die," the leader of the Undersiders stated, his voice soft and contemplative. "If it wasn't for our boss helping us out, Lung would probably have killed every last one of us." He smiled then looked over at Lisa. "Anyway, I guess the secret's out, huh? I never would've pegged that our 'secret benefactor' was Coil though."

The blond girl frowned at that. She knew who their boss was, of course. She'd known since the beginning. But the fact that he would out himself like this just to save them was a tad worrying. From what she knew and was able to deduce of him, Coil loved his secrecy. He would not, under any circumstances, reveal that he was the one backing them until he was absolutely sure he could rely on the Undersiders as a whole. It was much too early to come clean now, so why had he done it? What was he planning?

"Did you hear back from him?" Brian asked her.

"Yeap," Lisa answered, giving her team mate a cheeky grin. "And he did not seem too happy with us."

"Shit," their leader rubbed at his head, an annoyed frown on his face. "We really screwed up today. Think hell cut us loose because of this?"

Alec laughed. "Yeah, I doubt it. The dude got all his expensive goons with laser guns to bail us out. He even hired Faultline and friends to help. And, hey, like you said, he outed himself out as the Big Bad behind the Undersiders. I'd really doubt he'd go to all that trouble just to fire us." He chuckled again. "Specially since Lung coulda done it, literally. Nah, the boss loves us. He probably needs us for something, and something big."

Lisa's frown got even grimmer. That's what she was afraid of. What the hell was Coil playing at?

 

Interlude: Tin Can Asshole

Armsmaster's usually grim frown was remarkably grimmer as he surveyed the devastation around him. What used to be a large swathe of the Docks district was now battered buildings and rubble strewn streets. The fires had managed to be contained, but that merely left the charred remains of cars and warehouses to deal with, not to mention all the water used to put the flames out in the first place.

Still, it could have been much, much worse. Thankfully there were no innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire between Lung and the Undersiders. Buildings could be rebuilt, cars and other property replaced. Human lives were much a much more rare and precious commodity.

Sadly, despite managing to fight through Oni Lee and his cadre of thugs and engaging Lung before he could escape, the leader of the ABB still managed to get away. He and the other members of the Protectorate fought him for several intense minutes before it was deemed that he had grown much too powerful to take down. When the pyrokinetic had grown wings and flown away, Director Piggot had ordered them to let him go as she feared more collateral damage if they had pursued.

But that wasn't why the leader of the Protectorate East North East branch was frowning. What had him so upset were the reports that the Undersiders had been aided during the battle by highly trained mercenaries in black tactical gear, all of whom wielded Tinkertech laser weapons.

Coil. Armsmaster growled. The mysterious villain was the only one in the city who was known to employ a complement of mercenaries who were known to be armed with Tinker-made weaponry. Not much was known about Coil or his aims. He had shown up a few years back and started off as an information broker of sorts before branching off to more pursue more obvious criminal activity. He had even managed to take some territory for himself in Downtown, and his small army of mercs often clashed with the rival gangs whenever they attempted to move into the area.

So far, Coil's mercs had never lost a fight, even on the rare occasions they took on capes. It was an impressive track record, and showed the professionalism of these men as well as the reliability of their gear. Sadly, the PRT knew next to nothing else about the organization. They didn't know how many men Coil employed, what resources they had, or even what type of power the super villain possessed. There were even rumors that Coil had no powers at all, and was merely a mundane criminal who had gotten very lucky.

Or was very good at navigating through the vipers' nest that was Brockton Bay's criminal underworld.

This lack of information was what made Coil so dangerous. Without proper intel, the PRT could not devise a proper strategy of combating him. Previously, since there was no evidence that Coil was a parahuman nor did he employ any parahumans himself, the PRT and Protectorate had no jurisdiction over cases involving his organization. Thus investigations fell to the local Brockton Bay police department, whose members Armsmaster suspected had been infiltrated by Coil's organization.

Well, that was all about to change. He and the Director had suspected that the Undersiders had some mysterious backer supplying them with information and equipment. The small gang was much too elusive and well funded for newcomers. With Coil's mercs coming to their rescue today, it was now quite obvious who their backer was.

"Very sloppy, Coil," the Tinker muttered under his breath. He glanced one final time at the devastation around him, then began to walk off towards his parked motorcycle. Various police and disaster relief personnel moved out of his way as his large armored form trudged by.

Once seated atop his souped up vehicle, Armsmaster called up his automated personal assistant to his headset display. "Collect all known data regarding parahuman villain designated as 'Coil.'" There was an answering beep in his ear, signalling that his vocal query had been acknowledged. The Tinker then revved up his motorcycle's powerful engine, and with a hiss of whisper-quiet jets, the vehicle rocketed down the ruined streets.

He didn't notice that several sets of compound eyes followed him as he trailed off.

 

Chapter VII: Fuck Hasbro

It had been a really busy few days.

Well, okay, maybe not for me. I mostly sat around wasting time. It was my underlings that did most of the work. But I supervised the HELL out of them!

... Okay, that's a lie as well. Reeves did most of the supervising.

BUT. I did some useful stuff, too.

While my minions were busy running around trying to organize and clean up after the incident with Lung and the ABB, I was engaged with more immediate and important work. Firstly, I managed to get myself a wireless mechanical keyboard. It was with great relish that I burned that awful membrane one, and I swear nirvana filled me when my fingers began to tap on those lovely mechanical keys and I heard those wonderful clicking sounds. I felt like a man again. Nay, I felt like a human being again.

With keyboarding needs met, I then worked with Reeves on procuring a new costume. Like I had said earlier, Coil's old outfit was just way too difficult to get out of. If I had to eat, drink or take a leak, I had to slither out of the damn thing like a snake shedding its skin. And while I appreciate the metaphor as much as the next fanfic writer, the practicality of the entire thing just left my blood cold. And no, that was not another snake pun either.

I have to say though, that whatever Coil was paying Reeves, it was not enough. This guy was awesome. The little dude was like Johnny on the Spot times eleven! When I told him about the basic ideas I had for the new costume, he was able to recommend what type of materials we would need to construct the parts as well as provide the names of tailors and design firms that could stitch and make them. He also had contacts in Toybox that could help us find a Tinker to meet the more exotic requirements of my ideas. Man, Reeves, if only you were a hot chick. Then you'd be perfect.

The most amazing thing about the entire costume process was the fact that it only took two days for the entire ensemble to arrive. Sure, it was only a prototype and we'd have to have more sets made, but I was amazed at what a few good people and a whole lot of money could accomplish. Anyone who says you can't solve problems by throwing money at it is an idiot.

"What do you think, sir?" Reeves asked as I stood in front of a mirror with my new costume on.

Coil's new look was nothing like his old one. Whereas old Coil was into tight bondage gear, the new Coil was all about projecting power and badassitude. A dark blue leather coat, cut in a military style, was worn over a black shirt and pants that were tucked into black calf-high leather boots. Black gloves covered my hands. A utility belt was wrapped around my waist, each compartment filled with various items that would come in handy during my long venture. (i.e. tic tacs, dental floss, and a WHOLE lot of condoms.) But perhaps the most striking thing about my new look was the helmet. The material was black and made of some type of high-tech Tinkertech mix of ceramics and metal alloys. It was surprisingly light weight and compact, fitting the contours of my head very well so it did not look overly bulky. The faceplate was blank and featureless, made of the same hard material as the rest of it but colored silver and highly reflective. At the crown of the helmet was a red stylized cobra's head ready to strike.

Spoiler

​

Fine, FINE! I copied the look from Cobra Commander, alright? I admit it, I'm an unoriginal jackass! You happy now? Oh, don't cry copyright infringement on me, nerds. What's Hasbro gonna do? Sue me? Go ahead, Hasbro! Sick your lawyers on me! I hope they can travel through dimensions to find me!

Fuck Hasbro.

Anyway, yeah. I made Coil look like Cobra Fucking Commander. Get over it.

To complete the outfit, I carried two weapons, each of which was strapped to the utility belt. One of my weapons was a Tinkertech magnum revolver, which I kept in a holster strapped to my right hip. The other was a gold-hilt saber which I kept in a scabbard at my left hip. Now, I knew nothing about guns but I figured I could learn to shoot later. How hard could it be, right? Swords, on the other hand, I had experience with. I took fencing classes in college and even competed for a bit. I can honestly say that I was pretty good at it. It's one of the only things in my dumb life that I could actually be proud of.

Whatever, point is, I looked freakin' badass. So much better than old Coil's creepy, tight bodymesh. Seriously, that thing left nothing to the imagination. And as much as I loved Morgan Freeman, I really did not wanna see his donkey knuckle. (FYI to all you plebians, that's the man-equivalent of a camel toe.)

"It will do, for now," I stated in answer to Reeve's question.

Not only was my helmet super-cool looking, but it had a voice modulator in it that made Morgan Freeman's already lady-moistening tones even more badass. The helmet also had optical enhancement, night vision, infrared, a broadband connection, air filtration units, self-contained oxygen packs that would allow me to breathe in a vacuum or underwater for twelve minutes, AND a handy clock that was in the corner or my visual HUD. I'll never forget the time again!

....

... shit. The clock keeps blinking 12:00. How the fuck do you set this damn thing?

"Sir?"

Oh, Reeves wants something. "Yes?"

"Since the new costume meets your requirements, I was wondering if we could move onto that other matter," he told me.

Okay. What the fuck was he talking about? I distinctly recall him talking about something earlier, but I was too busy preening in front of the mirror in my new costume to really pay too much attention.

"And... what was that matter again, exactly?"

Reeves looked like he desperately wanted to sigh, but being the effervescent professional that he was, he refrained.

"Bakuda, sir."

Oh. "Oh."

"Indeed," Reeves continued. He looked down at the tablet he was holding and flicked at the screen a few times to bring up his notes. "We managed to capture her this morning. I apologize that it took us so long, but she truly was a handful to find and get a hold of."

Yeah, I bet. I wonder how many of Major Steel's men had blown up trying to accomplish that feat.

"Excellent work, Reeves," I told him, and the short man nodded in welcome. "Let us go greet our new employee then, shall we?"

With a flourish, I spun around with coat tails flapping, marching my way towards the door out of my office. In typical evil villain fashion, I clasped my hands behind my back as I walked and stood proud and tall as I stepped out of my office doors. The mercenaries that had been passing through the hallway outside stopped and stared, obviously in awe at my presence.

Yeah, that's right. Who my bitches?

Putting on an outward air of "I dun give a fuck," I marched through the halls and made my way towards the prison cells of Coil's... my compound. Reeves followed behind, and despite his short legs, managed to match my swift strides.

Under the helmet, I grinned. I really, really think I can pull this off now. I got the men, I got the resources, I got the power... and now I got the looks to match a world class super villain.

Nothing could possibly go wrong now................

 

Chapter Ate: "Bakuda" is a Bastardization of "Bakudan," Which is Japanese for "Bomb."

................. and nothing did. The walk down to the cell level of the compound was met with no complications whatsoever. It was kind of a boring walk actually.

"How is she?" I asked Reeves while we walked down the endless corridors. He was walking along with me, checking on things through his tablet.

"At the moment she seems calm," the short, weasely man replied. "She came quietly enough when Steel's men finally apprehended her, but during the chase she was quite... a handful."

I bet. Bakuda in canon was a first-class psychopath. She had an ego the size of Vermont, an ego that just had to have been bruised due to her capture. "Did we lose any personnel?"

"No, sir," Reeves answered. "Thankfully, the explosives she had been using were not as potent as the ones she had employed during her attack on Cornell. We believe that because of her fugitive status she could not gain access to any necessary compounds to create her truly destructive bombs." The small man chuckled. "She did kill one of her ABB escorts, though. The man had been trying to surrender to us and Bakuda took offense to his 'cowardice.'"

Yikes. That's harsh. If I do manage to recruit this bitch, then I had to make sure to reiterate my NO KILLING EMPLOYEES policy.

As we approached the cells, I mentally went over my strategy for speaking with Bakuda. I knew that she was a Tinker, and a good one. She was smart, incredibly so, perhaps even close to genius level. Sadly, such intellect was weighed down by her utterly damaged emotional state. She had a massive superiority complex, and her ego was easily bruised. She held grudges, so I had to make sure not to get on her bad side. She respected strength obviously; otherwise she wouldn't have followed Lung for so long. I doubt that man would have cared much about hurting her feelings.

Christ. This was just like the time I dated this girl named Christy. She was blond, stacked, and a former cheerleader. Girl was smokin' hot, but maaan was she high maintenance. The sex was great, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't good enough to keep putting up with Christy's bullshit. Sadly, it was her that broke up with me. Apparently, as awful of a human being as Christy was... I was much worse.

Fuckin' women. Amirite?

With a sound strategy for dealing with Bakuda in my head, I split the timeline multiple times. Within a few seconds I had eight separate realities to play with. In one timeline I had myself swiftly exit the building and get into a car, telling the driver to leave the city. I planned to have at least one of me alive just in case Bakuda had a Tinkertech nuke hidden up her butt or some other (yummy) orifice. In another reality, I stopped in the middle of the hallway, then relaxed against a wall and told Reeves to wait; this timeline I would leave in reserve, just in case none of the meetings came away with a satisfactory conclusion. For all the rest, I would try various strategies to gain Bakuda's trust.

With Machiavellian plan set, the remaining six of me strode up to the cell that contained the wayward Tinker. Reeves tapped a code on his tablet, and the door quietly swished open. The two of us entered and were face to face with Bakuda herself.

Huh. She was shorter than I pictured. Still pretty hot though.

The young Tinker was a slim woman with medium length black hair and light blue eyes. She was wearing a mask with a breather over the lower half of her face, and the goggles that usually covered her eyes had been pulled down and hung around her neck by leather straps. A braided cord of wires stuck out of the side of the mask and continued down her neck and over her left shoulder, but whatever it was connected to had been cut, obviously a security precaution my men had taken. The mask and goggles were the only parts of a costume she was wearing, as the rest of her clothing consisted of a tattered pair of jeans, a grungy t-shirt, and a battered looking leather jacket that was currently covered in soot. It was obvious that the girl had not had a chance to clean up, possibly since the ABB had freed her from her prison convoy more than a week ago.

Bakuda was currently seated in a metal chair, her cuffed hands resting on the steel table in front of her. She had been looking down upon the surface of the table, bored beyond belief. Her head quickly shot up when Reeve and I entered the room.

"Who the hell are you?" she asked, the mask giving her voice an electronic twang. "Are you in charge of these... goons? Well you fucked up royally, buddy! Do you know who the fuck I am? Do you? If you let me go now, then I'll consider not coming back and blowing your stupid ass into a million pieces!"

While the Tinker was going off on her rant, I calmly made my way to the empty chair at the other side of the table and slowly took a seat. Reeves took his place standing behind me. As soon as Bakuda was done talking, I (all six of me) dove into my spiel.

"Of course you can leave," I told her.

The Tinker blinked in confusion at my words.

"I'm afraid you misunderstood my intent," I continued, keeping Morgan Freeman's voice as apologetic as I could. "This wasn't an abduction, my dear. This was a rescue."

Her eyes flared brightly in anger. "I didn't fucking need rescuing, shithead!"

"Forgive me, but I bet to differ," I told her. "Those ABB thugs were out to forcefully recruit you, were they not?"

"Nobody forces me to do anything," she stated dangerously.

"Of course not. They probably told you that they wished for you to join them, that them breaking you out of prison was a favor that you needed to repay." Bakuda's eyes were still narrowed, but they stopped looking so fiercely hostile. "But... if you can forgive my observation, you really weren't in a good position to truly make an informed decision at the time were you?"

"I..." Bakuda snorted. "Well, yeah, duh. I was on my way to prison at the time. We couldn't really hash out a deal right then and there."

"Indeed. And even afterwards, while on the run from the police and Protectorate, you really had no choice but to take their assistance, did you not? Not unless you wished to be caught by the law again."

The Tinker shook her head, then said sarcastically, "You truly have a grasp of the obvious, whoever you are."

"They call me Coil." I told her, making sure to add the proper gravitas at the end.

Her eyes flicked upwards, probably to look at the red cobra insignia on my helmet's crown. She chuckled. "Cute."

Smarmy bitch. "As I was saying. You really didn't have the time to negotiate during your so-called 'release.'"

"Humph. Is that what this is? A 'negotiation?'" I swear, if her hands weren't cuffed to the table, she probably would have done air quotes.

"Yes, very perceptive, Ms. Bakuda. Only to be expected from a mind of your caliber." I saw her visibly relax at my complement. Sheesh, this girl really does feed off of positive attention.

She was quiet for a moment, eyes back down at the table, but they quickly lifted up to meet mine from behind my reflective mask. "And you really will let me go?"

"Of course, that was always my intention. I truly do apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you." I tilted my head down to look at her cuffed hands, acting as if I had just seen them now for the first time. "Reeves! Why is this young woman restrained?"

"I apologize, sir. The men we sent to rescue the young madame were newly trained," Reeves had obviously caught onto my game since was lying through his teeth. Damn, Reeves! You are so getting a raise.

The short man quickly went over to Bakuda and uncuffed her. The Tinker glared at him as he removed the shackles, her hands rubbing her sore wrists as soon as they were freed.

"Once again, I apologize for my men," I told her in a conciliatory tone. "Good help is so hard to find these days."

Bakuda snorted, but seemed mollified by my apology. "Whatever, I don't care any more. I suppose you're gonna make me an offer now?"

"Indeed I am. How much did Lung offer to pay you to join him?"

"He said he'd give me $300 for every bomb I made him. Plus two percent cut of all profits the ABB made."

"Are yous serious?" I stated, acting insulted. Actually, I didn't really need to act much. That offer was insulting Lung was such a cheap freaking bastard! This was a girl who could make grenades that STOPPED time, and that guy only offered her three hundred bucks per grenade plus a crappy slice off the top? Damn.

"Hey! I was desperate, alright?" Bakuda grumbled. "It was either join up with those assholes or go to jail..."

I held up a hand and shook my head. "I apologize for my tone. It is not you I'm appalled at, it's Lung. I, quite frankly, am disgusted that he had the gall to offer such a... pittance to a Tinker of your stature."

"Alright, alright, you can stop blowing smoke up my ass now." Bakuda stated in an annoyed tone. I could tell though that she didn't mean it. Her eyes were sparkling in amusement, which told me that she loved hearing me kiss her ass.

Behind the reflective mask I rolled my eyes. Gotta continue with the act, though. The show must go on!

"I do not smoke," I told her. "I merely state the facts as they are. You are perhaps one of the best Tinkers in a generation. I saw surveillance footage from Cornell." I really hadn't. Hell, I wasn't even sure there was footage of her botched ransom plot. Regardless, saying so still made me seem important since I had access to something that so few people had ever seen. "Your explosives... were divine. A work of art as grand as any sculpture or painting, an expression of your soul through fire and shrapnel. All the colors of your flame and ice, the rainbow hues caused by those acidic pools... All of it took my breath away."

"O-okay, okay. I'll hear you out! Just stop embarrassing me already!" Bakuda grumbled. From behind her mask, I could see that her cheeks were red. Holy shit, did I just make Bakuda blush? Ha! Morgan Freeman voice does it again!

"So, uh, what exactly are you offering me?" She asked after regaining her composure.

"I will pay you a salary of $10,000 a month along with a weekly stipend of $300 a week for expenses. For every bomb you build me, I will pay you $600. You will also have access to your own lab space, as well as whatever tools and equipment you require for your work. Food and boarding are also included, as is health care and dental." I told her, rather smugly.

Bakuda's blue eyes widened. "That's... pretty damn generous. Definitely better than the offer Lung gave me, anyway." Her eyebrows scrunched up for a second before she nodded. "Sure, why not. I'm in!"

"Excellent. It is good to have you on board, Bakuda." I stood up and leaned across the table, offering her my hand. The Tinker jumped up from her chair and did the same, leaning her shorter form forwards to shake my hand.

I may or may not have glanced down the collar of her shirt.

"Thanks, uh, sir. I'm sure I'll enjoy working here." After our handshake, she stood back and suddenly began to fidget. "Anyway... can you tell me something?" At my nod, she continued. "Were you really gonna let me go? Don't worry, I'll still work with you. I'm just curious, 'is all."

"Of course I would have released you," I told her. "I would have respected your refusal, and given you a ticket out of the country along with a little cash for your time. I always keep my word." And I wasn't lying. Coil, well... the real one, probably would have shot her in the head if she said no, but I wouldn't do that. I may be an asshole, but I ain't a dick.

Bakuda nodded, looking relieved. "Um... is there somewhere I can clean up or something. I, like, really need a shower."

"Of course," I nodded and nodded towards Reeves, who was now standing by the door to the cell. "Please follow Mr. Reeves. He will take you to one of our suites where you can freshen up and rest. If you need anything else, please get in touch with him and he shall make sure you get it."

Bakuda nodded and walked over to the short man. He typed a code into his tablet and the door to the cell opened for her. Before exiting, the half-Japanese girl turned her head back and gave me a wave. "I guess I'll see you later... Boss."

Cool. I had my own pet mad bomber. Can someone say PIMPIN? Yeaaah.

"Indeed," I said simply.

Bakuda followed Reeves out as he lead her towards the single room suites. The girl definitely seemed in a much better mood now. Oh well, hopefully it'll last.

In three other timelines, Bakuda was not so happy. Those were the realities in which I had opted to be firmer with her, not so giving. In one I was downright hostile. Within the hostile timeline I had surprisingly managed to secure the Tinker's service through the liberal use of threats and intimidation, but she was definitely not happy with how things went. I was more than certain that she would betray me eventually. In the other two timelines she had just flat out refused my offer.

Within the remaining two realities I chose to follow a similar approach to this one, choosing to leading Bakuda on with a carrot instead of a stick. Both timelines had the Tinker joining, but with much less enthusiasm than this one. One of the timelines had me making the mistake of complimenting her beauty, and that just made things afterwards awkward as hell since she now thought I was a total creeper pervert.

Oh well, whatever. I found my optimal reality in this one. I collapsed those six realities as well as the one that had me still waiting outside the cell with a thoroughly bored Reeves. In the "escape" timeline, I saw that my other self was already outside the city limits and headed towards Boston. Huh. Traffic must have been light today.

I collapsed that timeline as well.

Wow, who knew recruiting psychotic villains to your secret organization was such hard work? It almost made me feel bad for hanging up on all those army recruiters who always used to call me when I was younger. Almost.

 

Chapter 9: So Many Me's and They are all Retarded

The rest of the afternoon was pretty boring. Reeves showed Bakuda to her suite, then left her alone so she could clean up and take a bath. (Damn, I should have put up cameras in there ahead of time.) Major Steel and his men were busy running around training, while some of the support staff were cleaning and maintaining their gear and weapons. Ms. Stalson was in the East Quadrant of the facility supervising the construction of several new additions, one of which was an underground garage for armored personnel carriers as well as the lab for our new resident tinker. I brought up the map of the entire base on my monitor and was amazed at how big it was.

This was another weird divergence from Canon. In the original Worm story, Coil's organization was large, but spread throughout the city in several small installations. In this world, Coil only had one massive base of operations, all of it deep underground. This could only have been the results of my muckup in that stupid CYOA. I chose the Secret Lair perk, and according to the weird notations at the bottom of that text file, the perks Secret Lair, Cloak and Dagger, and Manpower had become incorporated into the Taylor is Suffering Complication. Could that be why I was Coil now, instead of Taylor? In order to keep my perk choices "legal" due to my lack of available points, had the game picked out a character in the Wormverse to reincarnate me as who already had a secret lair, was versed in spy bullshit, AND had an army of highly trained mercenaries to do his bidding? If there had been such a perk as Super Hackmaster that let me be a wiz at computers and I chose it, would the game had reincarnated me as Dragon instead?

Mmm... Dragon. Virtual boobies. Then, later, robo-boobies. Hottie ver 2.0. You can update my drivers anytime. Rowr.

Okay, got distracted there for a second. Where was I? Oh yeah.

Coil's base. It was gigantic. And getting bigger. As of now, the entire installation was six stories deep and encompassed roughly six city blocks across, with Ms. Stalson and her crew still in the process of expanding. How the hell did we ever manage to keep this place a secret? Say what you will about Coil (um, the real one, not the me-one) but at least he was smart enough not to build a massive super complex in the middle of Downtown. Even I knew you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.

But still... despite my reservations, I had to admit. This was all so SUPER COOL. I mean, seriously. I had my own freakin' secret base underneath the city. That was like on the same level as a Bond villain. It may have been impractical and completely over the top, but MAAAAN was it awesome. The only way this situation could have been better was if my secret base had been built into a hollowed out volcano or something.

With everyone in the base doing their own thing, I quickly got bored. So, while I was alone in my office, I decided to play around with my powers. I already knew that Kaleidoscope gave Coil's canon ability some "oomph" but I really didn't know the limits of it. Or if it even had limits. Might as well figure it out now since I had some free time.

So, whilst sitting in my hella-comfy leather chair, I split timelines. Then, I split those timelines. Then, I split those. And split those. And those. And those.

So far so good. Twelve timelines and all of them stable. I was a bit tempted to have a me from one of the edge universes start a wave like at a sporting event, but I refrained. This was serious after all and there was no need for such tomfoolery.

I began splitting once more. Again and again and again. Twenty timelines. Thirty four timelines. Eighty eight. A hundred. One fifty. Two hundred.

I got to three hundred and twelve universes before I stopped. In all of them I moved around to check myself as well as my surroundings. Body? Check. No malformed growths? Nope. Any extra limbs or missing genitals? Nah. Good. How about my surroundings? Still there. Excellent! Any black holes or anomalous quantum activity? Uh, no? Great! What about your mind? Is the weight of so many yous crushing your human will into pulp yet? Nope, my brain's still not mulch. Me #47 is horny for some reason though, but aside from that so far so good.

Huh. It seemed that nothing untoward had happened, despite creating so many branch timelines. I didn't feel drained or anything either. I felt that I could go on forever, making hundreds if not thousands of more branches if I wanted to, all without any physical or mental harm. Cool.

But then... I noticed something. My awareness of the me's at the far branch timelines, the ones most "distant" to the original two base timelines, felt fuzzy. I could still feel them, and I knew they were there, but it was a removed sort of awareness, not the complete "one-ness" I had with the universes that were near my base two. It was like hearing a radio in another room while a radio in the room you were in played the same song.

What was more troubling was that I started noticing that the me's farther off started doing things on their own, without Me-me willing it. The me in Timeline 122, for instance, had got up from his chair to stretch. Me #189 had called Reeves up and asked him for a snack. And don't even get me started on Me #298; that jackass had taken off his helmet to pick his nose! (Note to self: Find out if any Tinkers have invented a machine to automatically get rid of boogers. If not, invest in said technology. It would revolutionize the world, and keep the undersides of couch cushions so much cleaner.)

I attempted to focus on those edge timelines, to try to get the me's there back under my control, only to find that my... Overmind (for lack of a better word) left the cluster of timelines that were around my base and moved down the line in the direction of the universes I was focusing on. Eventually this Overmind settled over those universes, and I found that my awareness of this cluster of timelines became clear while the awareness of the other realities I had just vacated became fuzzier.

Well, it seems as if I had just discovered a limit to Kaleidoscope. Although I could theoretically create an infinite amount of split timelines, my tiny human mind could only directly control so many. Thankfully I could shift my Overmind up and down the timelines, shifting my consciousness around to directly control said universes if I needed to. Like for Me #44, who was shooting his gun at the wall for some reason. STOP THAT! And you! Me #112! Stop trolling Tattletale! And Me #69! You should be ashamed of yourself!

 

Chapter Ten: BUSY WORK KEEPS YOU FROM TOUCHING YOUR GENITALS TOO OFTEN

Babysitting all those me's at the outer ranges of my branched timelines proved way too difficult (and annoying) so I decided to collapse all the realities except for the cluster that I could most directly control. That left me with 46 timelines to play with.

Since I had so many realities to goof around in, I decided to be both lazy and industrious. I devoted half of the universes in the cluster to doing fun stuff like watching some movies, downloading and playing some MMOs on Coil's computer, shooting random shit in my office, and trying to sneak a peek at Bakuda while she was showering. For the other half of the cluster I devoted to doing some boring shit, like strategizing on how to win this game, doing research on current events and finding out just how this Wormverse was different from canon Wormverse, as well as digging through Coil's personal effects so that I could get a handle as to they type of man Thomas Calvert was. I figured that since I was going to be living the dude's life for the foreseeable future I might as well get to know him better.

Strangely enough, I found that the me's doing what I thought would be boring shit were actually enjoying themselves more than the me's who were just goofing off. Sure randomly discharging a high caliber firearm in an enclosed space is fun as fuck, and sure I got to see Bakuda's naked ass (it was spectacular, btw) but the planning and strategizing as well as the research was actually kind of interesting. I guess my mistake was in thinking that doing this homework-type stuff here would be the same as it was in my world, which, if I was honest, was as boring a planet as you could get. But this world was not home. This world had super heroes, powers, kaiju death monsters and freaking curving lasers. So going on the internet and reading about that shit was actually kind of fun.

The only complication was the fact that Google apparently didn't exist in Earth Bet. At first I was bummed, but then I found a site called Web Wyrm, which seemed to be the most popular search engine in this dimension. And boy, did it blow Google out of the water. Apparently the site was made by this Rogue software Tinker and was pretty much a sophisticated AI that would search the entirety of the internet for whatever you needed. The refined pr0n searches alone sold me on Web Wyrm's superiority over lame-ass Google. I was having a TON of fun using the search engine and was just about to start searching for serious shit when Reeves "reminded" me that both Dragon and the PRT monitored user queries.

Huh. I guess citizens' internet privacy was as respected by the government here in the Wormverse about as much as it was in my universe. Thanks, Obama.

Reeves then "reminded" me that if I required any information on parahumans then I could just access the PRT's database directly. Oh shit! I completely forgot that Calvert worked for the fucking PRT. Reeves helped me out some more by "reminding" me how to access the PRT intranet through Coil's systems.

I thanked Reeves in the best way I could, by promptly collapsing that timeline. Smarmy bastard. Anyway, in the next universe over, I used the new information I just learned and began searching through the PRT database to see what they knew about why the fuck this version of the Wormverse was so freaking messed up.

I spent hours digging through all the files that they had on the various parahumans in town, as well as their info on events stemming from the last four years or so. What I found was really, really confusing.

Timeline-wise, it seems that nothing much had happened in the last four years. Sure, the Endbringers were still rampaging around every few months, attacking cities and causing massive death and destruction, but aside from them the world seemed very peaceful. Well, as peaceful as it could get on Earth Bet.

Leviathan didn't attack Brocktom Bay in 2011 like he was supposed to. Also, the Slaughterhouse Nine hadn't been near Brockton Bay in years. Cauldron was never revealed. Scion didn't go on a rampage. It was like the entire world just held itself into a standstill. Even the constant gang wars in the city had stopped occurring. For four years absolutely nothing of note happened.

Until Lung attacked the Undersiders. On the day that I had arrived and became Coil.

Coincidence? Hell nah.

Fuck. I would be feeling pretty self-important if it wasn't for the fact that shivers were running up and down my spine. This was freaking creepy!

I also noticed a common thread linking all of the events that never happened: Taylor Hebert. The main character of Worm had, either directly or indirectly, been involved in all the major events that took place in canon. It was pretty easy to explain why: she was the main freakin' character. What had she been up to all these years when none of the events that would shape and define her ever occurred?

I did a search query in the PRT database for "Taylor Hebert" and got nothing. I cursed myself for being dumb, since I just realized that they wouldn't know Skitter's identity for a while yet if canon events played out. A search for "Skitter" and "Weaver" turned up nothing either, as I suspected. It was much too early in the story for Taylor to be making waves, at least ones big enough for the PRT to take note of. Even searching for "bug" or "insect" powers yielded no pertinent results, except for a few notes on the super villain Breed which almost had me throwing up.

Oh well. It was obvious that Taylor still hadn't garnered any attention yet. She was supposed to debut during Lung's attack, but that got screwed up when he went off script and attacked during the day. It didn't matter. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for her. At the moment though, I had more pressing concerns.

I dedicated ten timelines to doing research. In six of those I set out to trawl through the rest of the PRT's immense libraries of information while in the remaining four I risked it and used Web Wyrm anyway. I figured that even if I caught the attention of authorities monitoring the site it wouldn't matter in the slightest. I'd just collapse those timelines and still have the information I sought. That's the power of Kaleidoscope, motherfuckers! Eat it, NSA!

For the remaining free timelines, I had ten of the me's solely focus on coming up with a plan going forwards, making sure to go over everything with my super minion, Reeves. Hopefully I could use all the information I'd been gathering in my other timelines to come up with a tacit strategy in defeating Scion and winning the game. I started out our strategy session by not bothering to tell Reeves most of the story, but quickly changed my mind. Not knowing the big picture would probably just inhibit his super-helpful minion brain. Besides, I'b be collapsing these timelines later anyway so the hims in the other universes won't know my true aims.

"Let me get this straight, sir," Reeves spoke out, his beady eyes narrowed and looking at me with an expression like I'd just grown six legs and a pair of super model-caliber breasts. "Your ultimate goal is to kill Scion. The first and most powerful parahuman on the planet. Whom you claim is a higher dimensional extraterrestrial being who will soon be going on a rampage to destroy the human race in multiple universes."

Ya know, when you hear it said out loud, the entire story of Worm does sound pretty ridiculous.

"Yes."

Reeves, once again proved his minion worthy-ness by just nodding his head and getting to work. We began hashing out plans and strategies on how to combat Scion, brainstorming ideas and plotting out actions that would lead to said ultimate goal. I could tell that Reeves didn't really believe any of it, but the little dude was a trooper and treated the entire venture like a hypothetical thought exercise.

In the last two timelines of my "work" batch, I had myselves try to gather more information about Thomas Calvert. If I was going to keep maintaining Coil's identity, I would need to be up to speed on his secret identity. I didn't remember too much about Calvert's personal backstory, only that he was a member of the Parahuman Response Team and that he had been one of the only survivors of the Ellisburg incident. He had also received his powers from Cauldron, and used said powers to amass a fortune in order to fund his operations. He was manipulative and cruel, highly intelligent, and sadistic. Aside from these bullet points, which was all we ever glean of him from the canon story, I knew nothing else about the man. If it wasn't for the fact that he was Morgan Fucking Freeman, I would probably be pretty pissed off about being him right now.

I had those two me's search around Coil's desk, looking for any personal effects. Anything would have been useful; an ID card, memo book, even his house keys would have given me some type of clue to Calvert's life. As one of me was digging through his drawers, the other looked under the desk and saw a big metal briefcase under it. I had seen it before, of course, but I never paid it any attention. Maybe it's got Calvert's civilian clothes and wallet inside? I pulled it out and began to examine the briefcase while the other me found a single key in Coil's desk drawer.

Weird. It didn't look like a house key. It was too small, and looked like one of those keys that goes with the lock of an interior doorknob. Wait! I glanced over to the wall at the right of the desk. There was that door I had failed to open during my first day due to it being in an unfortunate locked state. Could it be?

I stood up and headed for the door. Upon reaching it, I slipped the key into the lock, finding that it slid in easily. Hell yeah! I'm like Sherlock Holmes level of deductive awesomeness! Okay, I admit, that maybe that's exaggerating things a little. But I was at least of Scooby Doo level if not greater.

I opened the now unlocked door and glanced inside. Beyond the door was a small, barely lit room. It was bare concrete and walls, with the only furnishings being a small dresser and an austere bed that was bolted to the floor in the middle of the room. On the far wall was an attached doorless bathroom with a tiny shower and toilet. Wow, this was a pretty creepy room. Is this where Coil slept when he was pulling late hours? How depressing. The bed seemed way too small to hold his tall body, too. He should really get that replaced.

With a shrug, I closed the door, hearing the lock automatically reset itself. I then went back to my desk to continue searching the drawers.

Meanwhile, the other me was still fiddling with the briefcase. It was about the size of a small suitcase, the shell made of aluminum and the handle was false ivory. The locks looked pretty impressive, bulky but in a futuristic type of way. There was digital screen at the side of one of the locking mechanisms, and upon touching it the screen flashed a message in a friendly-looking font and color.

Spoiler

PLEASE SPEAK YOUR PASSWORD NOW.
​

Well, ain't that something. Vocal passcode, eh? This thing was definitely Tinkertech. I wonder what was inside?

Pondering for a moment, I decided to at least try it. I really hoped it wasn't booby-trapped to explode or something if I gave the wrong password, but even if it was then I'd just try again in a different timeline. Man, Kaleidoscope was awesome!

"Um..." I said to the voice lock, trying to think of a password to use. I almost shrieked like a groped schoolgirl when the latches on the case suddenly popped open.

Spoiler

PASSWORD ACCEPTED. HAVE A NICE DAY.
​

Seriously?

Whatever. Never looked a gift prostitute in the mouth.

I lay down the case on top of my desk, then popped the lid. Inside, the entire interior was lined with insulated foam to keep the contents stable and protected. Within cut out partitions in the foam were ten small vials each containing a strange amber colored liquid. The vials each had a label printed upon them, and each was glowing faintly with some esoteric, barely contained power.

1) THE FARM BOY
2) THE FURIOUS
3) THE PHOTOGRAPHER
4) THE WATCHMAKER
5) THE GOD
6) THE WEAPON
7) THE TYCOON
8) THE COMPANION
9) THE MONARCH

And, sitting by itself at the bottom of the case in its own compartment, was a black vial smaller than the rest.

10) DEUS EX MACHINA

Well. This wasn't foreboding at all.

 

Chapter Eleven: The Ethics of Using Your Minion as a Human Guinea Pig

I frowned, looking down upon the open briefcase on my desk, mind boggling at what all of it could mean.

I quickly snapped my fingers when I remembered that during the CYOA character creation, I chose the perk Bottled Super Powers which gave me a briefcase filled with Cauldron-like formulas that could grant anyone super powers. Unlike Cauldron's mix, though, these were all perfectly safe and would not horribly mutate the drinker.

Interesting.

I once more looked down at the various vials and read through each label.

1) THE FARM BOY
2) THE FURIOUS
3) THE PHOTOGRAPHER
4) THE WATCHMAKER
5) THE GOD
6) THE WEAPON
7) THE TYCOON
8) THE COMPANION
9) THE MONARCH
10) DEUS EX MACHINA

Huh. Some of those descriptions were a bit... familiar. Those labels were supposed to give insight into what type of power each vial granted, but for the life of me I could not figure it out. I mean, The Farm Boy? Is that supposed to be some sort of plant-growing power? The ability to be super efficient at agricultural tasks? The God sounded pretty badass, but totally OP. And Deus Ex Machina was just totally bizarre. What kind of crappy power was turning into a Jesus robot anyway?

I was half tempted to just down these vials myself, just to see what they did. But I distinctly remembered that in the perk description it said that the gained powers would overwrite the old one, and I didn't want to risk losing Kaleidoscope. That ability was so very useful, a power that I would definitely need if I were to survive upcoming events.

Thankfully, I had an entire base full of mooks to test these vials on, and an infinite amount of timelines to use up if things go wrong.

Hew hew hew hew hew...

"Mr. Reeves," I said into the monitor after I tapped on the short man's communications icon. "I require your assistance."

Reeves entered my office a few minutes later. "You called, sir?"

"Yes, I did." I grinned, rubbing my hands in anticipation. I couldn't wait to see what these vials did! After splitting timelines so that I had ten universes to play with, I turned my attention back to my minion. "You have been very helpful to me, Mr. Reeves. How would you like to gain some super powers?"

The short man frowned, his weasel-like face scrunching up in obvious distaste. "I... thank you for your generosity, sir. But I am afraid I'll have to decline. Gaining such abilities would interfere with my current duties."

... ... ...

Well, shit. I wasn't expecting him to say no. I mean, who in their right mind would refuse to get fucking super powers? Obviously, this dumb fuck! Hmmm... maybe my approach was just wrong.

I quickly collapsed those ten universes I had just created. Okay... let's try this again.

"Mr. Reeves," I said into the monitor after I tapped on the short man's communications icon. "I require your assistance."

While I waited, I checked back on the other me's who were in the other timeline clusters. The strategy session with other Reeves was still going on, as was my other self who was searching the office for Coil's personal effects. The me's devoted to research were doing well, though one of them had switched to surfing for Case-53 porn when I wasn't paying attention. DAMMIT! Get back to work! The others were thankfully doing what I, er... they... no, me, whatever, was supposed to be doing.

"You called, sir?" Reeves asked as he finally entered my office.

"Yes, I did." I quickly split the timelines from that point, making ten universes as I had done earlier. "You will be gaining super powers. This is not debatable."

All ten Reeves looked shocked for a moment, but then nodded in acquiescence, sadly accepting of their fates. Awww, Reeves. I'm sorry, buddy. Don't worry, after we're done here I'll collapse these timelines and you won't even know that you were ever used as a lab rat.

In Reeves Experimentation Timeline #1, I picked up the vial marked number one and handed it to the short man. He hesitated only for a second before downing the contents. After a few moments, he began to sweat, then his face cringed and I could tell that he was in a great deal of discomfort. It only lasted for a moment, though, as the pain quickly vanished and Reeves was able to stand up straighter.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I... feel fine, now." He took out a handkerchief from his pocket and began to dab at his sweaty forehead. "It was a bit painful for a few moments, but I'm fine now."

"Hrm," I muttered. "Do you feel any different?"

Reeves thought for a moment, then shook his head. "No, sir. I feel very much the same as I usually do."

Dammit. It should have worked!

I spent the next few minutes in that timeline having Reeves jump around trying to fly, concentrate in an attempt to read my mind, as well as try to lift my heavy desk with one hand. Nada. I even forced him to punch the wall, which he did so after a bit of hesitation, only to come out of it with bruised knuckles.

Shit! It was a dud.

I collapsed that timeline in disappointment.

Reeves Experimentation Timeline #2 yielded better results. Kind of.

After downing the vial, Reeves went through the same super cramps before feeling fine after a few minutes. Once again, he said that he felt no different, which was really starting to piss me off. Were all these stupid formulas shit?

Then I remembered what the vial was called. The Furious. Maybe the powers only worked when you were mad.

I then began to insult Reeves to the best of my ability. "You are one ugly man, Reeves. You smell, too. Like a dead baby who just took a massive shit. I doubt your momma ever breast fed you. No woman would ever let those buck teeth anywhere near their tits." And so on and so on. It took forever to get Reeves adequately pissed, and he only did so after I began berating him on the quality of his service.

"My... filing... is... NOT SLOPPY!" Reeves roared, as the eyes behind his glasses turned yellow.

Before my eyes, the short man 's hunched frame began to swell and grow, his skin turning from sickly pale to a disturbing green. Eventually his growth caused his now bulging muscles to rip through his clothes, and within seconds he was a seven-foot-tall, roided out monstrosity.

"Reeves SMASH!!!"

Shit! ABORT! ABORT!

I collapsed that timeline before roid Reeves' giant green fists could pummel me into the concrete.

Well. That was a thing. Apparently, vial number 2 turned you into the Incredible Hulk. Hmm... I wonder...

Reeves Experimentation Timeline #3 offered results that were not as violent, thankfully. After downing the vial and having his hot flashes, Reeves was somewhat disturbed to find that he had grown some type of fleshy growths on his wrists. After poking one for a bit, both of us were startled when a silvery, stringy, and very sticky strand of goop discharged from the new orifice. It sailed across the room and splattered directly into my face plate.

"DAMMIT, REEVES! Don't squirt me in the face! Ugh!" I squealed out in complaint.

"Um, terribly sorry, sir," Reeves mumbled out, looking almost as embarrassed as I did.

After cleaning off Reeve's wrist goo from my face plate, I had him try to climb the walls. He did so, managing to crawl across the bare metal and up to the ceiling with ease. Aha, I thought so! Serum number 3 made you Spiderman!

Though it was the Toby Maguire movie version. Eh. Can't have everything.

I collapsed Timeline 3 and moved onto RE Timeline #4. The results were explosive.

Literally. Reeves fucking disintegrated right in front of my eyes. Like, his skin vaporized first, quickly followed by his guts, then his bones. All of him vanished in a burst of blue light, and then nothing.

Shit. What kind of crappy super power was self disintegration? Lame. Timeline collapsed!

RE Timeline #5 caused Reeves to conjure up this weird little hammer thing. Ah, Thor. Gotcha. I didn't bother to test the rest, since I didn't wanna get zapped. Timeline collapsed.

RE Timeline #6 started out like the first two, with Reeves remaining seemingly unchanged. Then, slowly, right in front of my eyes, his pale, sickly complexion began to darken to a healthier shade. He blinked in confusion, then took off his glasses and gasped, telling me that his near-sightedness had been cured. He began to smile, saying that he hadn't felt that good in years, when all of the sudden three sharp-ass blades shot out from his knuckles and almost impaled him in the face. He screamed. I screamed. And no, we did not go for ice cream afterwards.

After calming down, I quickly collapsed that timeline. Reeves was still screaming like a banshee as the universe vanished, thoroughly freaked out at the deadly metal knives that were now sticking out of his hands. So, vial number 5 was Wolverine. I was starting to see a pattern here.

RE Timeline #7 was much less dramatic. Reeves felt the same, though he told me that he was getting all sorts of ideas on how to build propulsion systems, new metal alloys, hyper-efficient power supplies, and highly advanced power armor. He was obviously a Tinker-type now, so maybe Iron Man? Lex Luthor? Hmmm. That power would definitely come in handy later. I collapsed the universe.

RE Timeline #8 proved to be another dramatic one. As soon as Reeves drank the liquid, he collapsed onto the floor. I was about to get out of my chair and see what the fuck had just gone wrong when I saw him melt right in front of me. His body quickly turned into a viscous black goo. As I tried not to throw up, I saw the tar-like substance flow out from Reeves' discarded clothing, tendrils of black waving around like antennae searching the air. It seemed to focus on me before suddenly shooting forwards, launching into the air directly at me! I'd seen enough hentai to know where this was going!

ABORT! ABORT!

I quickly collapsed that timeline. Crap. I was almost tentacle raped by Venom Reeves. Shit. Talk about close calls.

Events in RE Timeline #9 passed quite easily, though kind of boring compared to the others. Reeves seemed to get super strength from the serum, as well as high durability. (I had him bash his head against the wall repeatedly.) It was a decent Brute package, I guess, but seemed so totally boring. At least when compared to the others. Oh well. At least it was reliable.

Reeves complained about being extremely thirsty and smelling the sea air for some reason. Whatever, Reeves. Stop bothering me with your incidental, unimportant bullshit. Timeline collapsed.

After that, all that was left was testing vial number 10. In RE Timeline #10, I gave Reeves the serum. He tipped his head back and drank the black liquid. Suddenly...

... the timeline vanished.

No, I didn't collapse it. It just did it on it's own. One minute it was there, next it was gone from my awareness. It didn't collapse like it usually did, either. Usually when I collapse a universe, it crumbles at the edges before shattering. This one just blinked out of existence. Weird.

I decided not to give anyone vial number 10. Apparently, it destroyed universes.

Well! That was pretty informative. So apparently all these vials give superpowers based on pre-existing comic book superheroes. Well, except for vials 4 (which vaporized you) and 10 (which vaporized the universe). Vial 1 did absolutely nothing either, though I had my own theories on that one. Farm boy, eh? Eh? I know what ya did there. LOL

I closed the lid of the briefcase, the Tinkertech latches re-locking automatically. I then stretched out my arms over my head, stretching out the kinks in my back as I remained seated in my chair. The other me's in the other timelines continued their given tasks, and the ones who were in the goof-off timelines kept doing what they were doing.

I should probably call it quits for the day. I felt exhausted. Still, I had accomplished much for one day: I received a new and more badass costume, I recruited a brilliant and sexy Tinker, and I managed to get a ton of research and strategizing done. Plus, I found a briefcase of awesome super powers that would make my army even more unstoppable.

Yep, things were definitely falling into place. Soon I'd have everything I needed to wage war on Scion and save the world.

'Yes," I said aloud, allowing an extra bit of gravitas to enter Morgan Freeman's voice. I leaned forwards in my chair, leaning my elbows against the top of the desk as I steepled my fingers in front of my mask's reflective surface. Classic Gendo Ikari pose. "Yes. Everything is going according to plan. Soon Scion will fall by my hands, and the world... will be mine."

Fuck. Yeah!

"Nothing can stop me now," I stated arrogantly. In hindsight, I probably should not have said that.

My phone rang. It seems as if I had just received a text message.

Spoiler

Boss. Can we meet some time this week? We have a problem.
-TT

...

DAMMIT TATTLETALE!

 

​

Omake: There is a God, and he is Very Naked

I sat down in the cafeteria amongst the peons, my lunch tray in hand. Many of my lowly mooks nodded towards me in greeting, though some shuffled away for some reason. Usually I would eat my meals in the privacy of my office, but for today I felt like I needed the company.

I was just feeling so numb. Ever since I lost Reeves Experimental Timeline #4 Reeves, I just could not function properly. Sure, it's not like Reeves was gone forever. I had like 82 different universes going on right now, and the little guy was in every one of them helping me out. But... seeing him just explode like that, it was a bit much. I may be a hard, chiseled badass on the outside, but inside I'm soft, and delicate. Like an innocent virginal nun trapped inside a suit of armor. It can be so cold in here, so cold. Though sometimes, when she thinks no one is looking, she sneaks a hand down and-

Suddenly a brilliant flash of blue light interrupts my sexy daydreams. Mercs yell in surprise and jump up, many drawing their pistols, as the light at the center of the cafeteria bulges and expands. Seconds later the form of a tall, muscular, blue and very naked man appears from the warp in space and time. He is big. He is bald. And his dick is very, very blue.

Despite his bizarre new appearance, I recognize the weasel-y face like it was my own.

"R-Reeves?" I ask in a baited breath, waiting for his answer.

"Hello, sir," the new Reeves stated. "I apologize for my absence, but my atoms had become scattered throughout the infinite reaches of time and space. It took me a while to regather them, but I am now ready to resume my duties."

.... aw yis.

The next twenty years were a whirlwind of good times, baleful tears, and lots of explosions. It turns out that Reeves' first name is Chris, so it was a no brainer to dub him "Superman." Yeah, fuck DC, too.

With Superman on my team, I was unstoppable. He beat the ever living shit out of Lung, then mangled the Empire Eighty Eight capes, all in one day. The Merchants just left town in a hurry, so I didn't bother with them. Word of my new super-powerful employee spread, and soon assholes like the Butcher and the Slaughterhouse Nine came into town, each wanting a piece of my big blue pie. Too bad, motha fuckas, the Superman is mine!

After sending the Butcher into another dimension and smearing the Slaughterhouse into the asphalt, Superman Reeves went after all the Endbringers and spanked them. Seriously, he did. I told him to, lol. I had Reeves teleport all of them to Mars, and there they stayed. Hopefully they aren't too bored.

Then came the fight with Scion. It was fuckin' epic, but in the end Reeves made the Golden Man his bottom bitch. Scion was no more, and the Earth was safe. Of course, the nations of the world were sooo grateful to me that they crowned me the Emperor of the World. Those that didn't, well, I sent Reeves to spank them. Lol China.

All of it was going great! I though Reeves and I would be best buds forever. But then, one day, out of nowhere, Reeves said he was leaving me.

"W-what?" I asked him, utterly aghast. I felt like the bottom of my heart just opened up, and all my hopes and dreams fell into my intestines.

"I am leaving, sir," he told me. "I found new employment elsewhere."

"B-but... why? I thought that we... that I..." I am not ashamed to admit it, but tears were dripping like waterfalls behind my mask. "Is it because I'm getting older? Is that it?! Is it because I'm not the spry young filly I used to be?"

He simply nodded. "Yes, that's exactly it, sir. You continue to walk forwards, whilst I remain ever still. With each step, you grow closer to death, while I shall remain forever the same. I could tell you that this moment is a literary device constructed by the author to serve as an ironic reflection of earlier events, that I am abandoning you now as you abandoned me when I first 'died.' But such observations would obviously go over your head."

I had stopped listening to him at the words "literary." Snore.

"FUCK YOU, REEVES!" I sobbed, taking my helmet off and tossing it at him. "Fuck you!"

And so he left, and I was alone. As I knelt there, weeping for my loss, I wondered. How things could have been different. How events could would have been changed.

What would the world be like, if Superman had not come into my life?

I wept... and all was darkness.









... also, no homo.

 

INTERLUDE: Blond Smug Machine 2

Lisa sat stiffly on the park bench, trying not to appear as outwardly nervous as she was. All around her the citizens of Brockton Bay were milling about, enjoying the Sunday afternoon. It was sunny and unseasonably warm for March, and the Brocktonites were taking advantage of it by spending the day at the park. Families were gathered at the nearby picnic tables, mothers and fathers talking and laughing while their children ran about playing games nearby. An old couple was seated on a nearby bench feeding pigeons. Several people strolled through the winding pathways walking their dogs. Young people lounged about in the grass taking in the sun, and a guitarist was seated near the statue of former mayor William Doone while he played a pleasant tune on his instrument.

The blond young woman sighed and wondered how many of them were actually Coil's agents in disguise.

She was playing a dangerous game. Although a complication had indeed come up, it wasn't anything she couldn't handle herself. The real reason she had called this meeting was so that she could talk with Coil himself. The man's current actions were confusing, and she couldn't for the life of her figure out what his ultimate aim was. She had even tried using her powers to get some answers from what she knew, but all it did was cause her mind to go about in circles. She needed more data. Hopefully, seeing and talking with Coil would give her what she needed.

It would be difficult, of course. In their previous face-to-face meetings Coil had shown himself to be extremely hard to read. He kept his body unnaturally still, controlling himself so that he gave nothing away through body language and movement. Even his speech patterns were carefully restrained, words and tone all neutral so as to prevent her from getting any accurate readings with her power. It was infuriating, but also very rewarding whenever she did manage to snag a useful tidbit or other. It felt like she won something over the bastard whenever she chipped away at his aura of mystery, but she knew deep down that it was a pyrrhic victory at best.

So far she knew that he wanted to take over the city, and that he had connections to either the local government or the PRT itself. Maybe both. She was sure that he was a parahuman, and that he was a Thinker of some sort, perhaps a precognitive, or one who could calculate odds and percentages with extreme accuracy. That was the only way he could have gotten away with pulling half the stuff he did, of knowing what jobs to pull and when to pull them to guarantee the maximum chance of success.

Hopefully she could find out something after this meeting. Coil was a sadistic asshole, but he was also cautious and patient. Everything in her gut told her that he should not have acted to save them during Lung's attack. It did not fit the super villain's modus operandi. The fact that he did so kind of terrified Lisa. It meant that something had changed in his plans, and he was up to something. And whatever that something was, it involved her and the Undersiders.

Her internal musings were interrupted by the arrival of a long, black limousine. Her power told her that the vehicle was brand new, and that it was heavily armored. A short, rat-faced man with glasses and a pristine black suit exited the front passenger-side door, giving her a nod before walking over to the back door and opening it for her.

Huh. Coil sent a limo to pick me up. Lisa thought to herself. Her power inferred a lot about that fact, none of it good. She shook her head and got in the back.

As soon as she had entered the vehicle, the door closed behind her and the car started moving. Lisa sat back to relax, idly wondering where the driver was taking her, when she suddenly noticed that there was another occupant in the back with her. She almost shrieked upon seeing the man in the blue leather coat and face-less silver mask, who was seated in the plush leather seats directly opposite hers facing back. At first she thought that it was one of Coil's goons, but then she recognized the thin, almost skeletal form as well as the grim, arrogant posture.

Well, looks like the boss changed his costume, Lisa thought. Coil's new outfit was simultaneously less creepy yet more ostentatious than his old one. True, it was a definite step up from the body-hugging gimp suit, but the coat and boots, not to mention the Tinkertech helmet just screamed pretentious super villain. Still, she couldn't deny the unease she felt whenever she looked into that featureless silver mask only to see her own warped reflection upon its shiny surface.

Shaking off her disquiet, Lisa gave the man her usual vulpine grin, the one that she knew got on his nerves. "Love the new outfit, Boss. Very chic."

"Thank you," Coil stated evenly, his deep voice slightly altered mechanically due to a voice modulator in his mask. "You said in your text message that there had been a complication."

Lisa nodded. Time to get to work. She turned on her power.

... and got absolutely nothing.

It was only through sheer willpower that she was able to hide her absolute terror. For a moment she thought that she might have lost her abilities completely, but turning her attention to the furnishings around her showed that her powers still functioned. She could deduce the type of leather the seats were made of, what process was used to create the bullet-proof glass of the windows, even the city the limo had been manufactured in. But when she brought her attention back to Coil... she saw nothing.

It was like he didn't exist. Her powers told her nothing about the man sitting in front of her.

"Ms. Wilbourn?" Coil spoke up, sounding a bit impatient.

"Oh, sorry," Lisa said, taking a soft swallow to ease her dry throat.

Shit. What the hell was going on? Did Coil have a second trigger and gain Trump powers? Or was one of the men in the driver's side the Trump blocking her ability? Was this even Coil in front of her? Was he a body double, or did some powerful parahuman kill Coil and take over his organization? Damn...

She saw that Coil had taken to tapping a finger on top of his knee, a blatant gesture to remind her that he was waiting.

"Sorry, boss," the blond reached into her jacket and removed her phone. She activated the screen and leaned forwards across the aisle to hand it to the super villain.

She saw Coil tilt his helmeted head to look down at the cell phone in his gloved hand. Lisa eyed the stylized cobra insignia etched upon the metal at the crest of his helmet, feeling her trepidation increase.

On the phone's screen, the browser app was opened to an inbox for the Parahumans Online forums. It was a post on the site's Connections board, where people often posted to meet up or find others.

Spoiler

Subject: TT

I heard that you had a fire at home. Tried to get there and help out, but by the time I arrived it had already been put out.

I saw that you had some snake troubles in your basement though. I think I can help you out with that.

PM me if interested.

-P

Lisa bit her lip as she watched Coil reading through the message. She had seen it yesterday while perusing PHO's forums and saw that it had been posted the day before. She had debated whether or not to tell her employer/jailer about it, as part of her was intrigued and wanted to know if the sender was legit in wanting to help her be free of Coil's shackles. But the more logical part of her mind figured that the message was probably a trap by the ABB, or a plant by Coil himself to test her loyalties. Her powers had said it was genuine, but they had been wrong before, especially when working with a distinct lack of information as she was here. She had decided in the end to tell Coil, mostly in order to get this meeting set up so she could ascertain more information from him as to his true plans.

Fat load of good that did her.

Coil looked up from his perusal of the message, then handed her back the phone. Lisa stuffed the device in a jacket pocket while watching the thin man in front of her lean back into his seat and sigh.

"Troubling," he stated simply.

No shit, though you're probably thinking that way for a different reason, Lisa thought.

"Regardless, that message is unimportant for now," Coil remarked.

"Oh?" The blond asked, trying to calm her nerves. Why wasn't her power working on him, damn it?

"Yes, certain things have changed. Recent events have been set in motion that necessitate an adjustment in strategy," Coil told her. The man leaned forwards closer towards her, and Lisa tried not to shiver in disgust at his closer proximity. "Therefore I am releasing you from our previous... arrangement."

"What?" The young Thinker asked, eyes widening in shock. There is no way Coil would just... let her go. Something had to be up.

"Yes. You shall be compensated for your good service. I shall also provide you with transportation to anywhere in the country you may wish to go, as a sign of good faith."

Right. And I'll probably get a bullet to the back of the head at the end of the trip. Lisa gave Coil a nod, trying to give the impression that she was agreeing with his words. But she knew that a snake like Coil would have nothing to gain from letting her go. Her eyes flicked down to the rather large handgun strapped to his hip and tried not to sweat. What the hell was he trying to pull? He's smart enough to know that lying to her outright would not work, unless he was so confident in his new Trump ability to block her power that he thought she'd fall for such an obvious lie. Unless... he was actually telling the truth. That he was letting her go.

No, Lisa refused to believe it. There had to be another angle, one that she wasn't seeing.

"I would also like to apologize. For my treatment of you."

.... wut?

"My previous... tactics in securing your services were unrefined," Coil explained. "I see now that I had erred in treating you so dreadfully. I only wish to make amends, and make things right between us."

Okay, there is NO way this guy is Coil. Someone definitely killed him and took his place. Either that or the creep had a complete mental breakdown and... grew a conscience?

Dammit, powers! Of all the times to not work, now is seriously the worst time!

'You're really letting me go?" Lisa asked. She hated the fact that despite her efforts, a small bit of hope had crept into her voice upon asking the question.

Coil nodded. "Although your talent is invaluable to me, I know that acquiring your services in such a ham-fisted manner is not conducive to a good working relationship. If you were to continue to work for me, it would have to be as a true employee, and not a prisoner. My upcoming plans will require us to trust each other, and there is no way for you to trust me if I am holding a metaphorical gun to your head. If you decide to stay in my service, I promise you that you may leave at any time, no strings."

Lisa frowned. So this was some weird-ass recruitment pitch? Why is he doing this? He already owned her services, so to speak. There's no reason for him to try gaining her loyalty now. Unless, if he was a precog, he saw that in the future she would eventually end up killing him. Was this damage control? Trying to sweeten her up so that she doesn't stab him in the back down the line? Then why not just kill her now and get it over with?

Shit. Lisa sighed. She was actually getting a headache, one that wasn't because of her power.

"Can I... think about this?" Lisa asked. "Sorry, boss, but this is a lot to take in."

Coil nodded. "I shall give you twenty four hours to decide. I apologize for the limited time, but my plans need your answer before they may proceed."

A few moments later, the car stopped. Lisa looked out the window and saw that they had arrived back at the park bench that she had been seated at earlier.

"Have a good day," Coil told her.

The blond tried to keep the befuddled expression off her face as she climbed out of the limo. She suddenly felt the hairs stick up at the back of her head. She looked back into the car, only to see Coil still seated inside, his featureless mask reflecting her startled expression.

"Have a good day, boss," she returned his parting reply, then shut the door.

That was weird, Lisa thought as she watched the limousine drive away. She could have sworn that she felt Coil staring at her butt as she climbed out of the car.

"I must be more tired than I thought," she muttered, shaking her aching head as she made her way back to the safe house.

 

Omake: Tattletale Gets a Bomb in Her Head

Consciousness slowly trickled into Lisa's hazy mind. Her head felt heavy and her extremities numb, and over all her body was feeling as if it had been run over by a gigantic marshmallow. She tried opening her eyes, but quickly shut them as they felt dry and sensitive, the tear ducts slow to moisten them. Her mouth felt stale and parched, as if she hadn't had a drink in weeks.

What the hell happened?

The last thing she remembered was leaving the Undersider's safe house and heading towards the park for her audience with Coil. She was only two blocks away from the designated meeting point when she felt a sudden and unexpected sting on her arm. Looking down she saw the small, cylindrical shape of a tranquilizer dart sticking into the fabric of her jacket, the needle jabbing into the fleshy part of her bicep.

"Shit," was all she could mutter before everything went black.

Now she found herself here, wherever "here" was, lying on a soft surface and waking up after God knew how many hours. Her power activated and she attempted to piece together the situation.

Soft. Thin mat, made of synthetic materials. Covered with cotton sheets. Smell of alcohol and other chemicals. Hospital bed.

No sounds of patients or medical staff. Not a hospital. Thrum of heavy mechanical ventilation. Underground. Deep underground. Metal walls, thick concrete flooring.

Coil's base.

Coil's mercenaries abducted me. Operated on me. My head.

Eyes fully moistened, Lisa was able to pry open her eyelids and take a look around her surroundings for the first time. She was indeed lying on top of a hospital bed, but she was not in a hospital. She was in a large, spacious room with machinery and work benches dotting the walls. All around her highly advanced equipment were scattered atop the benches, with wires and timers and circuit boards lying near and on top of any free flat surface. The place was a mess, but an organized one. Large containers of unknown chemicals were stored in one corner, each barrel a different color and each label warning of the hazardous nature of whatever was contained within.

Liquid nitrogen in temperature modulated vats. Hydroflouric acid in plastic drums. Sulfur dioxide. Carbon tetrachloride. Depleted uranium. Unknown chemicals, Tinker made.

Detonators. Timing boards. Transmitters and receivers. Unknown materials, Tinker made.

Munitions. Mortars. Grenades. Launched and hand carried. Tinker specialty: Explosives.

She was in a Tinker's lab. One who specialized in explosives.

Bakuda. Disappeared en route to Brockton Bay, ABB escort found dead. Now works for Coil.

They operated on me. Put explosives in my head.

"Shit," Lisa sat up and felt around the back of her head. Through her thick blond hair she was able to feel a small incision on her scalp at the back of her skull near the nape of the neck "No..."

Her attention was brought to the doors of the lab as they hissed open automatically, admitting four unfamiliar figures. Two were Coil's mercenaries who stopped by the entrance to stand watch by the doors; their hands rested calmly but with intent upon their sidearms as if daring Lisa to try anything.

The other two were a man and a woman, both masked and in costume. The woman was obviously Bakuda, as she was wearing the same goggles and mask she had worn during her assault on Cornell. The other figure was a thin man wearing a blue leather coat and a helmet with a featureless, reflective face plate.

"Huh, so the bitch is finally awake," Bakuda spoke up upon seeing her.

"Indeed," the man said. From his voice Lisa realized that he was Coil, though in a new costume. "Thank you very much for your work, Bakuda. You impress as always."

The female Tinker chuckled. "O'course, I only do the best! Go ahead and take your pet, though. I'm gonna need the space back for my experiments." The girl quickly wandered off towards one of the work benches and began fiddling with some of her equipment.

Coil walked over to a shell-shocked Lisa, who was staring at him with wide eyes as he approached.

"Well, Tattletale," the super villain said. "How do you feel?"

"You put a fucking BOMB in my head!" Lisa screamed as her anger overcame her fear.

"Hmm. Yes, I did," Coil stated. "I apologize, but I needed you to be in a more... agreeable state."

"You. Put. A. Fucking. BOMB. In. My..."

"Yes, I put a bomb in your head," Coil interrupted her furious speech, sounding slightly impatient. "I thought we already established this."

Lisa took several deep, calming breaths. She could not freak out now, she couldn't afford to. But still, if there were any situation where it was understandable to freak out about, it's getting a BOMB put inside your head.

After steadying her nerves, the blond raised her eyes at her tormentor, and delivered a steady glare into the silver mask he now wore. "Why?"

"You're annoying," Coil stated simply and without hesitation.

Lisa flinched, as if slapped. She clenched her fists tightly and grit her teeth, then looked away from him, not wanting him to see the absolute hatred in her eyes at the moment. "You're a monster."

Surprisingly, Coil seemed to fret, looking a bit uncomfortable for a moment. If she hadn't known who he was, what he was capable of, his body language would have said that he was feeling guilty. After a few moments of terse silence, the super villain began speaking. "Oh come now, Tattletale. No need to be so down! Be a good girl and do as you're told, and I promise to remove that bomb faster than you can say 'cranial detonation.'"

Lisa cringed.

"Errr, sorry, bad joke." Coil coughed into his hand.

Bastard. The blond young woman unclenched her fists and let loose the tension in her shoulders. Damn it. She knew when she was beaten. But she could use this. With this bomb in her head, Coil would let his guard down. He'd be more careless. He'd slip up. She would learn all she could, she would steal all his secrets. Then, when the time was right, she would kill this psychotic bastard, put him down like the mongrel dog that he was.

Seriously? He put a bomb in her head just because she was a little bit annoying? Sure, she'd be the first to admit that she could be a bitch sometimes with her powers, but a bomb in her head?! That's seriously fucked up.

"Fine," Lisa spoke up, lifting her head up to look Coil in the face. She was sure to put a fake sad, defeated mask on her face as she spoke to him, make him think that he won. She gave him a somber smile, one that would make him think she had lost all hope. She considered letting herself cry a little bit, just for that extra sting, but then changed her mind as it would have been a little too much. "You win. I'll play ball."

Coil looked extremely uneasy; one would even say that his posture exuded guilt and remorse, but that would have been silly.

Lisa noticed none of this, though. For at that moment she realized that her power did not work on him. AT ALL.

.... What did I do to deserve this? She thought dejectedly.

"Don't worry, my dear, I'm sure we'll get along splendidly!" Coil stated, trying to make her feel better for some reason. "Both of us shall be the best of friends! Ha ha ha..."

​

Two Weeks Later...

Lisa and Coil were sitting on opposite sides of the couch in his office. He had dragged in the new furniture, as well as a big screen television, into his workspace when Lisa became his new "pet." He said it didn't feel right making her sleep on the floor.

How nice of him.

The two had spent the last few weeks almost connected to the hip, as Coil said that he didn't trust her enough to be on her own yet. The blond super villain didn't really have much of a say in the matter, so she followed him around and watched him do his daily... work.

Which is to say, the creep didn't work at all. Mr. Reeves handled most of the day-to-day management of operations and that left Coil pretty much babysitting her and just goofing off for most of the day. What was worse was that he didn't let her do any work at all! Most of her day was pretty much just hanging out with Coil, playing video games or watching dumb movies with the super criminal.

That was where she found herself now, watching a movie with the madman as the two of them tried to while away the hours in awkward silence.

"This movie's pretty good, huh?" Coil asked.

"No, it isn't," Lisa muttered, irritation evident in her voice.

"Oh." Coil slumped dejectedly at his end of the couch, looking for all the world like a moping child.

Lisa sighed. She had already deduced that whoever this guy was, he was not Coil. She didn't need her powers to tell her that much. She had to admit, he faked it very well. He had the voice down pat and when dealing with others showed how good his acting skills were. But being around him for the vast majority of the day, it was easy to see him slip up every once in a while. Like now. The real Coil wouldn't be wasting time watching a stupid action movie with her. It was so... stupid.

"Wanna play Twister?" Coil asked, giving her a side-long glance from across the couch.

"For the last time, NO!" she snapped.

"Fine, fine, pardon me for wanting to keep you entertained," the fake Coil said, raising his hands in mock surrender. "Yeesh, is it that time of the month?"

Lisa grit her teeth. God, she missed the old Coil.

​

Six Months Later...

Tattletale was running for her life.

All around her, the hideous denizens of Ellisburg snarled and shouted, their tiny clawed feet scrabbling across the pavement as they chased after her. Several of the creatures had wings, and they swooped through the air shrieking madly in pursuit.

"Stupid Coil! Stupid, stupid, STUPID Coil!" Once again she cursed the name of the madman who had gotten her into this predicament. Her "employer" had gotten it into his head that Nilbog, the S-Class threat and destroyer of the city of Ellisburg, was just a misunderstood guy who needed a friend. So he had dragged Tattletale along to the cursed town to sneak past the guards and "have a talk" with its ruler.

Of course, Coil being Coil, he screwed that meeting up royally.

And now the two of them had become separated in a city full of flesh-eating monsters. Coil was probably already eaten (and good riddance) but unfortunately it seemed as if she would be next. With her power she was able to find the map out the quickest route out of the city, but with monsters at every turn it didn't seem that she would be getting away.

Lisa grinned grimly. Even though she'd probably be dying soon, at least she knew that bastard Coil was dead, too.

Suddenly, the sound of a helicopter caught her ear. She stopped running and looked up, her eyes widening when she saw a black military helicopter descending swiftly from the sky. The side hatch was open, and from the open canopy, the lean form of Coil hung. He waved at his hand at her, coat tails billowing dramatically in the wind. As the vehicle hovered closer, the villain shouted, "GET IN DA CHOPPAH!" in a bad Austrian accent.

Spoiler

​

.... I hate you Coil.

With Nilbog's deranged creations closing in, Tattletale pushed down her loathing for the man and leaped up towards the descending helicopter. Her hands found purchase on the landing skid, but her fingers almost lost her grip when she felt Coil's hand grab her arm. With surprising strength, he lifted her up into the open doors and she collapsed onto the floor of the vehicle's interior, panting and wheezing with exertion.

The helicopter swiftly rose, leaving the snarling, furious hordes of Nilbog on the streets below. A few of the flying monsters tried to chase them, but Coil's men easily shot them down from the air with their Tinkertech guns.

As they made their escape, Tattletale sat in the cabin of the helicopter, arms hugging her body which was trembling from the adrenaline still in her blood. She was battered and bruised, her lavender costume ripped in several places, and she had scratches on both her arms and legs. But she was alive. For some god damn reason, she was still alive.

"That was awesome!" Coil shouted and laughed, still hanging out the side of the helicopter. He turned to her and she could just feel his stupid grin from behind his mask. "You can NOT tell me that that wasn't awesome?"

She was so tempted to kick him off the helicopter at that moment. So tempted.

​

One Year Later...

"I spy, with my little eye... something beginning with the letter... uh, 'C.'"

Tattletale ignored him. She and Coil were in his limo and were on their way back to Brockton Bay from Boston. Accord had called a meeting with the local villain groups in the city, to inform them that Coil's organization was expanding into Boston. There wasn't too much fuss from the other Bostonian villains. Sure, there was the usual posturing and complaints, but with the backing of Accord the local villains really couldn't do much.

"I spy, with my little eye... something beginning with the letter... 'L.'"

Tattletale continued to ignore him. The hours-long drive was boring as hell, but it was only made worse by Coil's incessant attempts at inane conversation. It wasn't just during the drive, either. During the meeting, at the hotel, while eating dinner with Accord and his Ambassadors... Coil kept talking to her. Like she was a friend or something.

"I spy, with my little eye... something beginning with the letter... 'B.'"

Tattletale snapped.

"... what are you doing?" Coil asked, looking at his young companion as she had begun to repeatedly butt her head into his shoulder.

"I'm... grrr... trying... ngh... to... ung... set off... mfph.... the explosives!" The blond stated, each word punctuated by bumping the top of her skull softly into his torso. "Gonna... ung... take you...hmph... with me!"

Coil laughed. "Oh, Lisa. You're so funny."

She didn't stop though. Not until they got back into Brockton Bay.

​

Two Years Later...

"Uh... Lisa?"

The blond former super villain looked up from her breakfast plate and into the shiny, reflective mask of the man that was the bane of her existence. For more than three and a half years she'd been looking into that stupid mask, seeing only her bewildered or irritated or furious face reflected back at her whenever she did.

"What is it?" she asked in a dejected tone, knowing that Coil was about to say something inanely stupid. He always did.

The two of them were in the Presidential Palace's second dining room being served breakfast. Ever since Coil had taken over the United States he had taken to eating here every morning ever since Lisa had absently remarked that she liked the view from the room's large window. It looked down into Time's Square, and she'd liked imagining herself down there amongst all the people. Free.

"Um," Coil twiddled his thumbs, looking very nervous. "I wanted to ask you something..."

Lisa chewed and swallowed a forkful of eggs before replying. "Just spit it out. You know I hate it when you get twitchy like this."

"Sorry," Coil sighed. He then leaned forwards in the table, steadying himself over his breakfast. Lisa really wasn't sure how the idiot managed to eat his meals while keeping his mask on, but he managed somehow. She dismissed it as one of the innumerable annoying things about him, a mystery that she did not want to solve.

"Did you know that, um," Coil began, his voice sounding extremely embarrassed. "Were you aware that our... situation... has been construed to be a bit... rapey?"

The blond choked on her bacon. After a few moments clearing her windpipe, she glanced up at Coil and gave him her best WTF look. "What?"

The moron looked even more uncomfortable. "Well, it's just... did you know a LOT of people think that you're my sex slave?" He leaned back and began to twiddle his thumbs again. "Seriously, everyone thinks that! I saw it online. Can you believe it? How do people come up with this stuff?"

Lisa wanted to smack him. Here he was, holding her a prisoner all these years, keeping her by his side ALL the time, and he didn't even realize how it would look to other people? Sure, he never touched her (thank God for small favors) but to observers it still seemed like something shady was going on. It didn't help that during the first few days after she'd gotten the bomb stuck in her head, Coil kept calling her his "pet." He thought it was hilarious for some reason. Everyone at the base just looked uncomfortable.

And now, ONLY NOW, did he figure out that keeping a young woman hostage and dragging her around everywhere you went might be misconstrued as something unseemly. The sheer level of stupidity just boggled Lisa's mind.

"Frankly, most of these rumors getting started is your fault," Coil remarked.

Lisa's eyelid twitched. "... what?"

"Think about it," the man began explaining. "You live with me, you follow me everywhere I go, you sleep in the same room as me... I know we're best friends and everything, but not everyone knows that. What are people supposed to think?"

Lisa took a deep breath. Several deep breaths. If she didn't, she would have hyperventilated in her absolute fury. "ME follow you around?!" She shrieked. She couldn't help it. "ME?!"

"Well, yeah," Coil shrugged. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it's adorable that you tag along everywhere I go, and it's sweet of you to keep me company all the time, but people talk. Plus, a man needs his space sometimes."

Lisa was absolutely dumbfounded. "But... I... you... I'm a prisoner... the bomb in my head..."

"What? Prisoner? Bomb? What are you talking about?" Coil tilted his head at her in confusion, but after a few seconds he seemed to remember something. "Oh. OH! Four years ago. That bomb prank."

The young woman felt a cold dread settle in the pit of her stomach. "Bomb... prank?"

"Yeah, you know, the bomb prank!" Coil laughed. "When Bakuda and I tricked you into thinking we put a bomb in your head. You should have seen your face! I thought you were gonna pass out, it was classic." The super villain stopped laughing when he noticed that the blond had that same pale, horrified expression now that she did all those years ago in Bakuda's lab. "Uh... oh, shit. Did I forget to tell you?"

Lisa's lip trembled. All those years... of thinking she was within a button's push of getting her skull blown out from the inside. All those years... of putting up with Coil's moronic, agonizing stupidity. All those years... of lost hope, lost dreams, of thinking that there was no possibility of escape. All those years... pointless. So pointless.

Three and a half years of frustrated emotion suddenly swelled up, and Lisa broke down in tears.

"Lisa?" Coil suddenly called out in concern. "Lisa, what's wrong? Are you okay?" He shot out of his chair and was at her side in moments. "Lisa, what happened? Why are you crying? Was it something I said?"

Her only answer was a sudden bark of mad laughter, and without warning, the blond leaped out of her chair and grabbed him by the lapels of his coat. There was the sound of breaking glass as Lisa, with a surprising show of strength, shoved herself and Coil through the large windows to fall twelve stories to the streets below.

The shocked onlookers of New York watched helplessly as the President of North America and his sex slave plummeted to their deaths. It was a memory that would stay with them for the rest of their lives. Perhaps the strangest detail that they would relate to reporters and historians later on was the fact that the blond sex slave had a look of sheer, absolute bliss on her face as she sailed through the air, a strange vulpine grin twisting her lips as the President screamed and flailed madly in her grip.

 

INTERLUDE: Crazy Asian Bomber(wo)man

Bakuda fused together the final set of wires into the circuitry, her lips turning up into a content grin upon seeing the intricate piece of her new device almost complete. It was a thing of beauty, a work of art. A Picasso of plastics, solvents, and silicon.

Beautiful.

She chewed at the strawberry gum in her mouth, idly blowing it into a bubble. The pink rubbery orb expanded from her lips until it softly popped, the miniature explosion plastering the gum to her cheeks. Her tongue pulled the sticky goop back into her mouth before she resumed chewing it, all the while continuing to work on the sophisticated circuit board atop her bench.

Today she had foregone wearing her mask and goggles, since she was currently alone in the lab. She had ordered some new clothes through Reeves, and was currently wearing a simple black t-shirt (one with a cartoon bomb imprinted on the front) as well as a pair of white shorts. Since she had planned to work the entire day, she figured she might as well be comfortable.

The young Tinker quickly inserted the completed board into the main device's housing, seating the connectors into the base with a satisfying click. Within seconds the core thrummed to life as power passed through the machine's numerous components. Bakuda closed the hatch of the external shell, and soon the edges of the small door began to sizzle as the metal bonded together on a molecular level, thus sealing away the internal components from outside contamination.

"Well, that's another six hundred bucks in the bank." Bakuda smiled, looking down at the completed time stop bomb. It was a bit bigger than she would have liked, as originally she had been aiming for a more compact device. The final product was currently size of a small microwave, but it couldn't be helped. With the impressive new equipment and facilities Coil had provided her, she had so many new ideas that she wanted to incorporate into her old designs. So she added a TON of new features into her original blueprint and the final product ended up being a tad bit bigger than she expected. But the new model was ten times more powerful and effective than the old one! This baby could probably put the entire city into a temporal bubble if she wanted.

But her new employer would probably want something a little less End of the World-ish. Thankfully for him, she had already made a dozen smaller versions, each the size of a baseball which would be perfect for his goons to carry around with them. The smaller grenades weren't as powerful (or as safe) as her bigger baby, but they'd perform as advertised. ALL her bombs did as they were supposed to, she designed them after all. Hopefully her boss's little soldiers were smart enough to be able to use them properly. Thankfully, Coil seemed to know what he was doing and his underlings weren't the mentally challenged fuckheads Lung's were.

She frowned as she thought of the disgusting thugs that had broken her out of jail. They were all pitiful, know-nothing delinquents; each of them were just posturing little boys that thought being in a gang made them tough. The morons even dared to bark out orders at her, as if she was one of their worthless junkie whores. If she had had her equipment at the time, she would have shown every one of those sad little shitheads the meaning of pain. Nobody fucked with her, especially not some two-bit cronies of some second rate villain in a shithole city like Brockton Bay. The fact that Lung had sent these sorry sacks of shit to bust her out and not his best men just grated her; unless they had been his best men, in which case she just felt sorry for the poor bastard.

Those assholes wouldn't even stop at a motel to let her shower and clean up, insisting on driving back immediately after springing her.

"We can't keep the boss waiting," they told her when she complained. God what a bunch of little dick-less bitches.

Whatever. She didn't have to deal with those incompetent idiots anymore. Now she was working for an actual super villain, one with funding and competent minions, one who actually knew what he was doing. His best aspect though was that he knew what she was worth. She didn't know much about Coil, but what she did see was that the man was smart. He recognized talent, and was willing to pay top dollar to secure it.

Bakuda got up and stretched, looking around her lab. That's right, HER lab. She grinned as her blue eyes greedily drank in the sight of all the sophisticated gear and equipment Coil had provided. They were all top of the line and expensive as hell, consisting of both regular machinery as well as the newest in Tinkertech advancements.

She had been giddy when she had first seen the lab. On her first day here, after taking a long shower and a quick nap, she called up that weedly little secretary Reeves and told him to take her to her lab.

"I would like to give you a tour of the facilities first," he had told her at the time, "The base is quite large, and you should know where everything is located."

"I didn't ask for a tour, old man," Bakuda growled with a hint of threat in her voice. "I told you to take me to my fucking lab."

"As you wish," Reeves stated without emotion. "If you'll please follow me, miss."

Well, at least this guy was capable of following instruction without talking back. Already a step up from those ABB clowns.

With the facilities and equipment here, she could make all sorts of neat stuff. During her first day she had gone through all her ideas and blueprints, throwing most of her old concepts away as new and more inventive designs came to mind. She could construct gravity bombs, singularity mines, anti-matter warheads for missiles and torpedoes. Intelligent explosives that hunted down their targets, or chemical grenades that could only harm certain people. There were so many things she could do here! So many ways to prove herself to the world, to show everybody that Heather Lowson was the best there was.

Bakuda frowned. Every day of her life, she had striven to be the best. Her parents, well, mostly her mother, had drilled into her at an early age that the world would not show her any favors. Her mother had been a fashion model in Japan and met her father, a wealthy American businessman, when he had been in the country trying to secure a deal. He was 48 and married, she was 22 and didn't care. After a torrid six month affair, her father divorced his wife and married her mother, and she was born a year later in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Her father and mother's marriage lasted only three years, after which she only knew of her father through the occasional phone call and mailed gifts. If her mother was phased at all by the divorce she didn't show it, and seemed content to live off the small monthly alimony payments her former husband sent her. She and her mother had lived comfortably but not extravagantly, and her mother took to spending every waking moment she had to espouse to her daughter the concept of hard work and self discipline. Her mother was strict and rarely warm, expecting her child to be the best at everything she did.

"If you can't be the best at what you do, then there's no reason to start doing it in the first place," Bakuda remembered her mother telling her. She had just gotten home and had shown the woman a test where her score was only a 97. Although it was the highest score in the class, such a distinction was not enough for her mother. Anything below a perfect score was a failure.

From that point on Heather Lowson never failed. She got perfect scores in every school assignment, in every test. She won every academic competition she entered, was in the Honor Roll throughout Elementary, Middle School, and High School. She received a full scholarship to Cornell University, and was well on her way to becoming the Valedictorian of her class.

That is until Professor Summers. He taught the Biotechnology classes and his was a 4000 level course. She always knew he had it in for her. He always gave her low marks even though her papers were perfect. She had no idea know why he hated her, as she had always treated all her teachers with respect. Maybe he was racist and didn't like Asians, which was stupid since she was only half Asian.

Whatever. The fucker gave her an 88 as a final grade. An eighty eight! That was the lowest score she had ever gotten, it was bullshit! She had gone to his office to try to get the grade changed, had begged and pleaded and even hinted that she would give him sexual favors if only he'd change her damn grade. Getting an 88 would knock her out of the race for Valedictorian, and she could not have that. She couldn't, she wouldn't, allow herself to fail. She couldn't stand to face her mother if she did, to see the look of disgust and disappointment in the woman's face. She'd rather die.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Lowson, but the grade you have is the grade you earned," Summers had told her. "I run a tough course, and rarely give grades over 85. You should be proud of what you got. Nobody is perfect, so I never give out a perfect score. I'm afraid you'll just have to settle for 'above average' this time." He paused for a moment, then gave her a wan smile. "You'll probably hate me for this, but trust me. This is not the end of the world. You're a smart young woman, Heather. Getting an 88 in one class won't break you."

Fucking pig. So smug, so patronizing. He got his, though. Bakuda smiled, remembering how Summers screamed, his arms flailing wildly as the device she had implanted in his skull activated. The super-heated metal fragments poured out from the plug's ports, sizzling the soft gray mush and slowly dissolving his brain.

It was one of her most cherished memories.

She supposed she should thank Summers, though. Without him, Bakuda would never have been born. If it wasn't for him, she would still be poor little Heather Lowson, the failure. She'd still be scrambling around, trying to be the best, when she really wasn't. Bakuda saw that now. Heather, no matter how hard she tried, would never be the best at anything, because for her it was impossible. Without powers, trying to be good at any one thing was meaningless. Regular, simple humans were worthless. They were all failures. They could never score a 100% on anything, no matter how hard they tried, because they couldn't. Not without powers. The best they could do was an 88. In a way, Summers was right; they could never achieve perfection. Only parahumans could.

Only Bakuda could.

Bakuda already knew she was well on her way to the top. With her abilities, she was already the best in her field. Nobody could make better bombs, nobody could create better munitions. She was king dog when it came to explosives, everyone else was second best. And with Coil's backing, she would only get better.

The young Tinker sat back on her stool and idly wondered what her mother would think of her now, since she was finally the best at something. Then she barked out a laugh, and realized she didn't care. Her mother was a nothing, a worthless failure whose achievements were nothing compared to her own. The bitch could die for all she cared.

Bakuda popped her gum, then turned back to her workbench and began drawing up plans for another explosive. She had so many ideas, but thankfully she now had everything she needed to make those ideas a living, breathing reality. Soon the world would know her name. Soon the world would fear and respect it.

​

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I searched everywhere, but I don't think Bakuda was ever given a real name in canon. So, in this story at least, her original name was Heather Lowson.

 

Chapter XII: I am not a Pedo

Well, that went well.

As the limousine drove off, leaving Tattletale in front of the park bench we had originally picked her up at, I leaned back and sighed. That had been really, really fucking hard. It took everything I had to keep my posture, body language, and voice as neutral and Coil-ish as possible all in an effort to not give anything important away to Lisa's bullshit power.

Thankfully, in this instance, it seems to have worked. As soon the blond girl had stepped into my limo and conversation began, I knew I was good as gold. Lisa seemed adequately awed at my awesomeness, and the Morgan Freeman voice definitely kept her off her game, cuz it was just so damn sexxah.

I was a little surprised to see that she was a bit older than the original story described; then again it was 2015, two years after canon ended. She'd be... what? Twenty, twenty-one now? Well, whatever, she was cute though. A definite girl-next-door type. If I was in my original body and I didn't know about her terrifying BS power, she'd definitely be date-worthy. I'd take her out to a movie, then bring her to MacDonald's and shit. You know, all romantic like. It'll be a sweet night... though always an awkward morning.

But what probably surprised me most about Tattletale was how... not-annoying she was. In canon and a lot of fanfics, she was always portrayed as smug and condescending to everyone she met. She'd use her BS power to find out every skeleton in a person's closet, then dangle it in front of their eyes to throw them off or humiliate them. But after actually meeting her, she didn't seem that bad. She just struck me as a regular girl who was stuck in a bad situation. Even her infamous "vulpine grin" that everyone wrote about wasn't as irritating as other fanfic writers made it out to be; it was actually kinda cute.

Oh well, crisis averted. I kind of felt silly being so worried. To me, Tattletale had been the ultimate nightmare, someone who was capable of finding out all my deepest, darkest secrets just by looking at me. Thankfully it seemed as if her power's reputation was a bit over-inflated, and it wasn't as all-knowing as fanon would want us to believe. Either that, or I'm just so suave that it threw Lisa off her game. Awww yeah, that's a distinct possibility, too.

Anyway, now I felt kinda dumb losing sleep and making so many split timelines just for this one meeting. I had over a hundred and twelve realities running concurrently and all dedicated to the meeting with Lisa. So far, in all of them, the blond had agreed to my terms. The vast majority of Lisas had decided to just take the me's up on my offer and leave the city, while a few chose the option of getting back to me at a later date with their decision. It was kind of irritating that none of them chose to join me outright, but eh, can't have everything.

... a Lisa in one of the outlying timelines was strangling the me there for some reason. Huh, wonder how that happened.

Whatever. I collapsed all the Tattletale timelines except for this one, as it was the one where Lisa had left my company with the most satisfaction. I then had the driver stop by a fastfood drive-thru to pick up some burgers, fries, and a shake. I was starving, and as good as the food back at base was, one can only have five star quality meals everyday until one's palate grew tired of it. (See? I'd been practicing my Cultured Super Villain bullshit words.)

As I payed for my food at the drive-thru window, the pimply teen gave me a wide-eyed, surprised look. Shit, I forgot. I still had my costume on. Oh well, fuck it. He'll have cool story to tell his pube-less pals.

When we got back to base, I made a beeline for my office with bag of junkfood-y goodness under my arm. A few of the mercs I passed gave me a weird look as they saw the food, but I payed them no mind. Let 'em get their own damn hamburgers. These were mine!

I had just entered my office and sat down on the Throne of Comfort, making ready to dig into my twenty-thousand calorie meal, when all of the sudden my stupid door chimed. I sighed in annoyance, then called out "Enter" to whoever the fuck was at the door. No rest (or eating) for the wicked, I guess.

Reeves entered the office, followed by another man I had never seen before. He was short, though not as cutely compact as Reeves, and wore a dorky green sweater over white shirt and khakis. Overall he looked utterly ordinary, completely unassuming.

"Sir," Reeves spoke up. "This is Mr. Pitter. He just arrived today and will be taking responsibility for Dinah Alcott once we secure her."

A freezing chill slowly crawled up and down my spine upon hearing those words. At that moment I thanked God that I hadn't been eating, cuz if I was I can guarantee that I would have fucking choked to death right then and there.

"Sq'use me?" I squeaked out in a dumbfounded tone, looking from both Reeves to Pitter and back again.

Reeves raised an eyebrow in confusion (something he was doing a lot lately it seems) before speaking. "Mr. Pitter will be watching over the Alcott girl once we secure her. He is quite qualified to administer the narcotics, as well as tend to all her needs."

Shit.

Shit. Shit. SHIT.

With a growing dread bubbling up in my gut, I glanced to my right, seeing the usually locked door that led into that creepy bedroom. Christ. CHRIST. That was Dinah's dungeon. Oh God. I had been using it as my bedroom, and was sleeping in Dinah's dungeon bed. I was wondering why it seemed too small for Calvert's tall frame, now I knew! Oh God. OH GOD. I took several deep breaths, and it took everything I had not to puke inside my own helmet.

"Um, sir?" Reeves asked, slightly worried.

I coughed, then turned my attention back to the two men. "There has been a change in plans," I told them. "Dinah Alcott will no longer be necessary. Please cease all surveillance of her at once."

Reeves blinked, but swiftly nodded. "As you wish, sir."

"What does that mean for me?" Mr. Pitter spoke up.

I looked over at the man and tried to recall every detail that I could about him from the original story. I remembered that Pitter was a registered nurse, and that he used to work for rich families by taking care of disabled children. He tried to divorce his cheating ho of a wife, but then she started rumors and planted evidence that pretty much ruined his life and career. In exchange for killing the bitch, Pitter agreed to work for Coil. He was supposed to be very competent and knowledgeable, but what had struck canon-Coil the most was the man's utter loyalty and devotion to duty. He was like a Reeves 2, for the most part.

Awesome. If one Reeves was good, then imagine everything I could get done with TWO of them.

"Your talents shall prove valuable to our organization, Mr. Pitter," I told him. "We shall find you a place to make use of the valuable service that you can provide."

"Thank you, sir," Pitter said with a nod.

Reeves took that as his que to leave and lead the man out of my office. As soon as the door shut, I let out an explosive sigh and slammed my helmeted head onto my desk. Jeeeesus Christ, this was messed up. I had plum forgot that canon-Coil had kidnapped Dinah and used drugs to control her. I'd been so freaked out and distracted by Tattletale that I almost let my goons kidnap a poor, innocent little kid, probably traumatizing her for life.

Damn. I needed to be more hands on, and see what else was going on in Coil's little operation. If I was gonna save the world, I couldn't let fucked up things like this slip up from under me.

I lifted my head off the desk and sat back into the comfortable softness of my chair. My eyes spotted the bag of fastfood still sitting atop the desk, the burgers and fries most likely cold by now.

Oh well. I wasn't very hungry anymore, anyway.

 

Chapter 13: Bitch Please

Well, this was awkward.

Two days had passed since I met with Tattletale at the park. She had gotten back to me the next morning to accept my offer of continued employment, so that was good. Hopefully she wasn't planning on stabbing me in the back, but with her you never know. I was banking on her powers to tell her that I was genuine in my offer and not a threat to her, so I'm pretty confident that she won't do anything rash.

Yep. Nothing could possibly go wrong on that front.

Now I just had to worry about the other Undersiders. Grue wouldn't be a problem. He struck me as the consummate professional of the group, one who did his job to the best of his abilities. So long as I didn't betray him or his people he should stick with me. Alec was of a similar vein. As long as I provided him with money to maintain his lazy lifestyle then he should stay happy.

As for Bitch... well...

She was the reason for the current awkwardness. After Tattletale had accepted my proposal, I figured it was as good a time as any to officially meet my new employees. At this point in the original story the other members of the Undersiders had yet to meet Coil. It was the opportunity to just get the matter over with as secrecy was a bit pointless at the moment since they already knew who their mysterious benefactor was. I arranged with Lisa to meet the others at an abandoned warehouse in the Downtown. Well, technically it was abandoned. Coil owned the property through one of his subsidiary companies. It was a bit too overtly complicated for me to figure out, but Reeves told me it was legit.

Anyway, the meeting was set to occur at 1300. (That's 1:00 PM to all you scrubs.) It was a good time, as it gave everyone who was to attend adequate time to get some lunch. With bellies full, we all arrived at the appointed location. Of course, my mercenaries were there a few hours ahead of time just to make sure that the area was secure. They were in plain clothes and quite inconspicuous. I made sure to have Reeves get them something to eat after the meeting; they'd skipped lunch and were probably starving.

The Undersiders arrived twenty minutes before the appointed time. I really hope they didn't skip lunch. My mercs let them pass without incident, and the group of young villains waited in the empty warehouse for me to make my grand entrance. I do so hate to disappoint...

At 1300 on the dot, I had one of my men open the warehouse's main doors. Despite the ramshackle state of the building, the mechanisms that activated the industrial roll-up door still functioned. My limousine slowly drove into the warehouse as soon as the portal had slid up, and once I was passed, the door began to descend thus blocking all view of the building's interior from the street outside.

I saw the Undersiders at the center of the floor, each of them waiting patiently until the limo stopped in front of them. Reeves got out of the passenger side, then strode over to the back door to open it for me like a good little minion. Once open, I slid out of the car in a smooth, serpentine motion. Yep, I made sure to practice that move in several alternate timelines, just so I could make a good first impression. Thankfully, because of my badass power, I had eight concurrent realities running parallel to this one, each purely dedicated to the meeting. Thus, unlike everyone else in the universe, I could afford to give out a first impression more than once.

Two other figures stepped out of the back of the limo with me. They were two of Major Steel's finest mercenaries, and had been hand-picked by me to serve as my personal bodyguards. One was a muscular Asian man with a vicious scar across his nose; the other was a short, severe looking Dutch woman with closely-cropped brown hair and a nice, tight butt. Since I could not pronounce their names at all, I decided to give the two the code names Crabbe and Goyle, respectively.

Crabbe and Goyle had ditched their tactical gear for a set of black suits, white shirts, and tie, making them look like sinister rejects from Men in Black or Reservoir Dogs. The lack of protection wasn't much of a problem for them, though, since I was kind enough to gift my two new minions with super powers. Crabbe got vial number 3 while Goyle received vial number 9. As the personal bodyguards to the most awesome super villain in town, I figured that these two would need to be pretty damn formidable. And you didn't get much more formidable than Spider-man and, uh, whoever #9 turned out to be. I was kind of tempted to give one of them vial # 1, but after thinking it through a bit more I decided not to risk it. There's no way I'm gonna give away that particular powerset, at least not to someone I didn't completely trust.

I strode towards the Undersiders, making sure to keep my posture straight and confident. Crabbe and Goyle followed behind me, two well dressed and stern-faced shadows ready to kick the ass of anyone who messed with their boss. I stopped directly in front of the group of young villains, clasping my arms behind my back as I looked each of them over. Grue, tall and imposing in his biker leathers and skull-emblazoned motorcycle helmet. Tattletale, in a sexy form-fitting black and purple outfit, who was looking at me with an annoyed expression for some reason. Regent, in his ostentatious Ren-faire getup, the smirking Venetian mask he wore giving the impression that he was hiding some dark, mysterious secret. And then there was Bitch, standing away from the group some several feet behind them, two of her dogs keeping her company.

Hmm. I glanced over towards her, my eyes admiring her stocky, muscular build. She hadn't bothered to wear her mask at the moment, so I took in her dignified square jaw, her thick, unplucked eyebrows, and the messy mane of blond hair that fell around her tightly frowning face.

Damn, girl. You fiiiiine.

I was in the middle of adjusting my mask's vision enhancement to focus on the rather shapely curves pushing out from dear Ms. Lindt's shirt when her arms suddenly crossed in front of her chest. I moved my eyes up to find that Bitch was glaring at me with a fierce intensity, an intensity that was quite a familiar sight to me in my old life. It was the familiar glare that women always shot me when they noticed that I was staring at their goodies.

"You checkin' me out?" Bitch asked me with a furious snarl.

... shit.

Tattletale's eyes widened in confusion as she looked at me for a moment. "What?" She glanced back at her teammate, her face looking even more confused.

"This creep is looking at me, staring at my tits," Bitch growled.

"Bitch," Grue spoke up in a warning tone, trying desperately to shut her up. Regent tried but failed to keep his amused chuckling a secret.

"I, uh," I stammered. "I wasn't... well, not really... I..."

"You're a pervert, Coil!" Bitch shouted. Her dogs, which thankfully were not in their enhanced, monstrous forms at the moment, began to bark.

"Bitch, that's enough!" Grue shouted back.

"A filthy, dirty pervert!"

... yeah. Like I said: awkward.

I sighed in annoyance. Before things could get even more out of hand, I collapsed the timeline. Oh well, thankfully I had seven more where that came from.

Focusing on a universe in which I didn't just make a complete fool of myself, I quickly got down to business before Ms. Lindt's hot little body got me into trouble again.

"Undersiders," I spoke up as I stood in front of the group, with Crabbe and Goyle directly behind me. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you." I paused for three and a half seconds, a length of time suitable enough to serve as a dramatic lapse. "I am Coil."

Grue nodded at me, his posture stiff but confident. "Good to meet you, sir," he said. "First off, I'd like to say thank you for the assist with Lung last week. You really saved our asses."

"Think nothing of it," I replied. "I look out for my employee's best interest. What's good for you, is good for me."

"Yeah, being alive is pretty damn good, if you ask me," Regent piped up.

Grue stiffened, and I could tell from his clenched fists that he seriously wanted to smack his teammate.

"Indeed," I said, letting out a chuckle as I did. It was a measure to show Grue that I took no offense to Regent's rather sarcastic sense of humor, and it seemed to work as the tall young man relaxed slightly. "But the past is the past, and I called you here to talk about the future." I took glance over in Tattletale's direction and saw that she was watching me intently. Shit. Hopefully her powers don't pick up too much on my bullshit. I should keep myself as honest as possible, so her stupid powers don't trip me up somewhere down the line.

"With my identity as your mysterious backer out in the open, it necessitates a change in plans," I continued. "Plans that have the Undersiders playing a vital role in."

I saw Grue relax a bit more as he heard my words. Huh, it seems as if he was a bit worried that after the Lung incident I would cut them loose, or worse have them killed. Yeesh, this dude needs to lighten up. Maybe get laid or something. If he keeps worrying as he is, he'll get gray hair by the time he's twenty-five.

"As such, I would like to offer Grue, Regent, and Bitch full employment in my organization." I saw the others turn their attention to Lisa and spoke up before they could ask. "Tattletale has already accepted my proposal. Thus I present to you three the same offer I gave her. Unlike our previous arrangement, full employment comes with benefits as well as a regular salary."

"And how much of a salary are we talking about?" Regent asked.

"I will pay you five thousand dollars a month plus a weekly stipend of two hundred dollars to take care of whatever miscellaneous expenses you may have. You shall also have full access to my organization's vast resources, which includes food and housing should you choose to reside within my secret underground base." I saw Regent's ears perk up at that. "This offer also includes full health care and dental."

Regent let out a suitably impressed whistle.

"That's very generous, sir," Grue said. "What sort of thing are we expected to do? As your official employees I mean."

"Your duties will pretty much remain the same as they were in our previous arrangement. The only difference is that for any task I send you out on, I shall pay you directly." I let the three think on that for a moment, and tried my best not to let my eyes wander over to Bitch. Damn, how the hell did she know I was perving out on her in the first place?

"Well, I'm in," Regent said. "I mean, getting paid more for doing the exact same thing we've been doing for the last few months? Sign me up! Seriously, you gotta be pretty dumb not to take this deal."

Grue nodded, then looked over to the girl with the canines. "Bitch?"

The stocky young woman frowned, then turned her eyes over to me. "I don't wanna live in your stupid base."

"You don't have to," I reassured her.

Bitch seemed to mull over the decision for a moment, her face getting a bit tighter and more annoyed-looking as the seconds ticked by. Finally, with a grim frown on her face, she nodded. "Fine."

I heard Grue let out a relieved sigh. He turned to me and nodded as well. "We all agree."

"Excellent," I said. "Welcome aboard."

Thankfully I managed to keep the relief out of my voice. If even one of the Undersiders had said no, it probably would have been a bad thing in the long run. The more events deviated from canon, the less useful my knowledge of future events would be. In my other alternate timelines, things went quite smoothly as well, with all of the young villains agreeing to my terms. Cool. Now I just needed to find Taylor and then we can all get to saving the world!

Before I could turn around and head back to the limo, Regent raised his hand to get my attention. "Yo, boss. Before you go, I gotta know something."

Uh oh. "Yes?"

"This organization of yours," the young dark haired villain stated. "It got a name?"

.... shit.

Damn it, I knew I was forgetting something! Everyone knew that super secret organizations needed a cool, badass name if they were going to be taken seriously. I couldn't just call it "Coil's Organization," that was super lame. Hmm... I needed to come up with something awesome, and fast.

"Of course it does," I lied. My mind went on overdrive as I tried to pile on some serious bullshit. Bullshit that sounded plausible and didn't make me look like a total tool. "I would like to invite all of you to my base tomorrow evening for the grand unveiling of our new organization."

Tattletale and Grue exchanged a look. Regent looked surprisingly interested. Bitch looked like she wanted to punch something.

"Yes," I told them, lowering my Morgan Freeman voice to achieve greater gravitas. "Soon, the world shall know our name. Soon, all who hear it will tremble..."

A long silence followed as all those within the warehouse tried to digest the meaning of my ominous words. Such contemplation was broken, though, by a loud, sudden comment.

"Fuck, yeah!"

That was from Regent.