Brockton Bay Nights [Worm Crackfic]

--- Armsmaster

"Armsmaster, this is Console. We have reports of a parahuman fight east of your location. Be aware, Lung may be present."

"Understood, Console. Moving to investigate," I use my left hand to make sure my beard is in perfect order before turning around and accelerating towards the fight.

Exactly two point three seconds later I get a call from Dragon.

"Hey, Armsy. Whatcha' doin?" Dragon asks in an overly sweet voice.

"Sorry, Dragon. I'm in the middle of something right now, is this an emergency?" I concentrate on avoiding the potholes. My bike can take it but it would lower my speed slightly if I drove over one of those.

"Oh, not an emergency or anything like that. I guess if you don't think I'm important enough to talk to .. well I don't really know what I'll do."

I sigh. Dragon was being weird again, better to just humor her when she gets like this. I do not want to get sent to M/S confinement for another week because someone reported that 'their Armsy must be mastered because there's no way he'd hurt her by avoiding her'.

"No, of course I don't think that. What is it, Dragon?"

"I noticed that you suddenly turned around and started going east. That's not part of your patrol route."

Shelving the question of how she noticed for later, I respond "There's been a report of a parahuman fight. I'm moving towards the location."

"Oh? Who's fighting? Is it a woman?" Dragon asks with obviously feigned disinterest.

"I don't know. Console warned the possibility of it being Lung. I have not reached the location yet so I can not say for sure. It is probably an Empire skirmish, or Lung finally caught up to the Undersiders who robbed one of his casinos recently."

"Undersiders?!" Dragon spits out. "Tattletale is in that group, I've seen pictures online. With hips like those? She'll be fat in a few years for sure."

Not really sure how to respond to that I say "Noted. I'm arriving at the location now. Can I call you back later?"

"Keep the line open, I'll help you out by providing insight."

I won't have time to be distracted by arguing with her so I agree to it.

Upon arriving I notice several downed ABB members and a cape in a dark costume. I haven't seen this particular cape before, the PRT guidelines state first impressions with a new cape are extremely important and could define the future relationship of the cape with our organization. I decide that the best course of action would be to take out a mirror and make absolutely sure my beard is in perfect condition for the meeting, especially after riding my bike at high speeds.

Before I can approach too close she shrieks "Oh my god! You're Armsmaster!"

I startle at the loud noise and try to play it off by coughing. Luckily she doesn't seem to notice. Right she asked me a question "Yes, that's right. I'm with the Protectorate. We had a report about a possible cape fight, was that you?"

"I fought Lung, he said that-"

Suddenly Dragon decided to interfere by putting herself on the speaker function of my helmet and saying "Oh, I see how it is. Do you think I'm stupid, Armsy? Is that what you think? That I'm stupid."

"What? No, of course not."

"Oh. So, you deviate from your patrol route, into some random alley. And if that's not suspicious enough there just happens to be a skank waiting for you there?"

"That's not appropriate, Dragon. I was responding to an emergency call. I had no knowledge of who would be waiting."

"Not appropriate! You're saying that I am not appropriate?! ME! Is she even of legal age? Maybe I should go to the press with this, I wonder .."

"Please don't do that. This is definitely a misunderstanding."

"Fufufufu", the unknown cape is making a strange noise.

It's at this point I turn to her and see that she has stars in her eyes and is furiously scribbling something in a notebook. This could be very bad, if she's a Thinker she might be gaining all sorts of information from our argument and plans to use it to our detriment.

I clear my throat and mute Dragon's connection, hopefully she won't notice long enough that I can fix this mess.

"Miss, could you tell me what happened here please?"

She snaps out of whatever trance she was in and puts away the notebook. "Right. I was fighting Lung because he said he was going to kill some kids. And well that's him over there," she turns around and points at an empty spot. "Oh darn. He must have got away while you two were arguing."

I groan. Just great, we had Lung down and Dragon distracts me long enough that he got away.

It was then that Dragon managed to overcome the mute function somehow and turn her connection back on "ARMSY!"

With great resignation I ask "Yes, Dragon?"

"Why did you mute me? Were you two making out? Hey, you!"

The unknown cape asks "Huh, me?"

"Yes, you! I swear I'll come down there and kick your skinny bitch ass up and down the bay three times over if you don't stay away from my Armsy!"

I sigh, another encounter with a new cape ruined. "Dragon, please. I'm trying to do my job here."

Luckily the new cape went back to making 'fufufu' noises and scribbling in the notebook.

Dragon responds "Oh, and you're saying I'm a burden? That you'd do better without me? You could go around all day doing who knows what with these dirty hoes. Is that what you're saying?"

"That's not what I said."

"It's what you meant, isn't it? Isn't it?"

At that point I receive a massive electric shock.

I must have passed out at some point, because when I slowly get up, all the gang-members have run off and the new cape is nowhere to be seen. Great, I didn't even get to ask her name or suggest joining the wards.

Why did I even add the self-electrocution feature in my suit? Oh right, because Dragon suggested it was a great anti-theft feature. I'm starting to suspect that was not the actual reason for her suggestion.

At some point Dragon must have got bored because she's no longer yelling. I'm thankful for small mercies.

Better get back to base and report this failure in.

Doing one last check up on my beard before leaving I notice it's all fuzzy from the electrocution. Son of a-!

 

--- Armsmaster

I'm currently waiting for the meeting at PRT headquarters to begin. Going over things in my head to find the least damaging way to explain what happened earlier with Lung. It is very likely I'm just going to have to take the full blame, better that than face Dragon's wrath when she finds out I blamed her of something. And yes that's 'when' and not 'if', she always finds out somehow.

In the room with me are director Piggot and Miss Militia.

I take a deep breath, better to get this over with. "I have something to report."

Miss Militia chuckles and says "Let me guess. Lung got away because you and Dragon were arguing and then you got electrocuted."

"How did you know that?" I'm rather shocked, it just happened and I haven't told anyone. It is highly unlikely that Dragon would tell as she doesn't get along with other women for some reason.

"What do you mean? Wait, is that actually what happened?!"

Seeing no reason to deny it, as I was going to tell them anyway, I say "Yes, that's exactly what happened."

"Oh my god, Colin! You had sex with Dragon on Lung's unconscious body?" Miss Militia stands up now.

That got the director's attention as well, who was deep in thought thus far in the meeting.

"What, no! What the hell are you talking about?!" I raise my voice, that was quite shocking to hear from my second in command.

Now she looks visibly confused, "But, you said .. and that's what was drawn .. I mean, what?"

I massage my beard to calm down and ask "Perhaps you could explain how you knew about the first part?"

Director leans in and says "I'd like to know as well."

Miss Militia looks nervous and says "Ha-ha. Well, you see. There's this artist online, apparently, who draws stuff sometimes. I, um, wait a second. I'll just show you."

She hands me a tablet computer with the strange drawings. It looks to be some kind of crude comic book series.

It depicts tonight's events, except it's not quite what happened. In this comic series I am standing above Lung's unconscious body, Dragon is also there in one of her flying suits. Then .. these comic book versions of us proceed to have intercourse. That is NOT what happened! After that they have the exact same argument as we just had. How is this possible? Was someone listening in on us? But even so how did they draw something like this so quickly. Possibly precognitive power that can be used to spy on someone's conversation well in advance? This could be seriously dangerous for operational security. It was posted right after it happened according to the timestamp on the website.

I ask "What is this?"

Miss Militia enthusiastically responds "It's hentai! And there's all kinds of it. There's this website full of it, and there's all kinds of artists! .. Ah. I mean, or so I've heard anyway."

I hand Miss Militia back the tablet computer and ask "How did you come by this?"

Miss Militia gets defensive and asks loudly "What? You think I'm some kind of degenerate for knowing this?"

"No! I was just asking how you received this information. If you got it from an informant it could be important in identifying the author."

Miss Militia relaxes "Oh, right. Informant. Yes that's how," she looks a bit shifty as she says it but I put it out of my mind.

"Hmm. Must be a very diligent informant to get this information to you so quickly. It was just posted minutes ago according to this."

Miss Militia starts rambling "Ha-ha. Yes, diligent. That's it. Just doing her job, no doubt about it. This is part of the job, getting information and stuff. That's what we do here."

She seems weird to me but I never did understand people that well, "Well, good job. So, I noticed that the comic book-"

"Hentai," Miss Militia corrects me.

"Yes. That this .. Hentai got some things wrong. There was no intercourse. Dragon was not even there physically, she just spoke through the radio. And more importantly the new cape I encountered was completely absent from this com- er .. Hentai." I pause for a moment. Now that I think back on the evening the cape in question was scribbling something in a notebook. Could it be that simple? "I believe that this cape in question was actually the author. That's how she knew what happened. It is quite amazing how quickly she managed to draw all this."

Miss Militia gushes "Oh my god! Yes, we have to get her in the wards!"

I nod "Agreed. She is probably a hero from what I could gather. Besides anyone who can battle Lung and win is definitely someone we need to have a good relationship with."

"Hohoho. Of course she's a hero, she's my hero. Think of all the material she could provide me with if she joins the wards," Miss Militia starts bouncing in her seat.

I look at her, feeling a bit confused, "Material?"

"Of course, silly! Her .. oh. I mean, clothing materials. Yes, that's what I mean, ha-ha what else could I mean?"

"Um, right. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that," why would this new cape be able to provide clothing materials? "Let me check the video recording of my helmet," I rewind until a moment I get a good look at her costume. It was too dark to see what it was made of by eye, but I have other sensors in my helmet as well. "Wow! Good catch, Miss Militia. Her costume is made of spider silk and some kind of hard chitinous plate. I didn't even notice that."

Miss Militia exhales with great relief, "Ha-ha yes. Hard chitinous plate, that's what I meant, of course."

"Wait a minute. This part wasn't in the comic, excuse me, Hentai. How did you know this? I didn't even know and I was there," I asked her.

"It was just a lucky guess."

"You guessed that a cape you've never met could provide hard chitinous plate for you? I don't think I've ever actually heard of a hero who even has a costume made of that."

"Yes, of course. Lucky guess, how else could I have known?"

"Well, I can't really answer that."

"Of course not. If you must know I have been considering rebranding myself for a while, to .. hard-chitinous-plate-costume-woman."

"You've been thinking of rebranding yourself to hard-chitinous-plate-costume-woman?"

"Yes, that's right."

"I don't think the PR would be happy with that."

At this point the director cut into our conversation "None of that matters right now. Let's get to the important things. What was she driving?"

I turn to the director and think back, "I didn't see any vehicles in the alley or by the road."

Director looks even more excited now, "Didn't see? What if it was invisible?"

"There's no evidence to suggest that."

"I'm just going to put it down as a maybe."

"I really don't think-"

Director interrupts me "Look. Just because you got a sweet-ass bike doesn't mean you get to dictate how I run things here. I made you the leader of Protectorate because of your ride, but Miss Militia has a bike too. It's just a normal bike and not as nice as yours but my patience is limited. Don't push me on this!"

"Yes ma'am," I quiet down, knowing better than to argue with the director when she gets fired up. Secretly I'm also scared of Miss Militia stealing my job. The director might say she admires my bike but I think we both know that it was my beard that really sealed the deal. I've done some research and I'm fairly certain if Miss Militia was male she would have a nicer beard than me. I can't take any chances here.

The director calms down and says "Alright, both of you get back to work. If we get any more leads on the new cape's cool invisible car let me know immediately."

I nod and walk out of her office. That meeting went better than usual.

 

--- Regent

Lisa set up a meet with some new cape with bug powers. She saved us back there and we're supposedly thanking her. In reality it's just a recruitment pitch Lisa's making. So here I am on the rooftop waiting for her to show up. At least Grue brought some music along.

I look to my left,

<Sarah Livsey>
<Lv. 16, Villain>

Yeah, that's my powers. A fucking video game character.

<Jean-Paul Vasil>
<Lv. 4, Wizard>

That's me. An actual fucking wizard who can level up. Have you ever heard of anything more nerdy? I just tell people my power's controlling someone's nervous system after a while. It's actually an ability I had to unlock from a skill book and level up. Well I'd rather be known as Heartbreaker's kid than the second coming of Myrrdin. I should probably be more worried about that, except that I can't because of something called Gamer's Mind.

Luckily Lisa's too self absorbed to have noticed anything with her powers.

Anyway looks like the bug girl showed up.

Lisa opens with "Welcome! I'm glad you came. We are the Undersiders, and I-", she emphasizes the I and puts a hand on her chest, "am Tattletale. Nice costume by the way, did you make it yourself? Yes you did. Pretty good attempt I have to say, I made my costume myself too. It just came out perfect on the first try, didn't even take like five minutes. I could give you some tips later maybe."

The bug cape tries to say something but Tattletale keeps going, "But that's not why I invited you here! I invited you here to thank you, because, you know, manners are important and all that. Not that I couldn't have taken care of Lung myself. We robbed his casino before, got away easily. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I did most of the work."

The rest of us stayed silent, already used to it. That's just how Lisa is. Yeah I'll probably make some embarassing posts with her PHO account later, but to be fair I would have done that anyway.

Tattletale, unaware of our thoughts, continues, "So you control bugs, huh? That's cool, I mean, my power is to know everything, but that's just me. Bugs are cool too, though."

At this point the yet unnamed cape has tuned out Tattletale and taken out a notebook. She's scribbling something in it while looking at us. I can't tell what her expression is with the mask. Wonder what she's doing?

Tattletale says "Oh, you like to draw? I'm something of an artist myself, one time in an art gallery-"

I ask the bug girl "What are you drawing?"

She freezes up. Puts the notebook behind her and says "Nothing."

Well that isn't suspicious at all. Bitch apparently agrees because she asks, "What the fuck's in there? You some kind of spy?"

She holds up her hands "No! No. Nothing like that."

Grue asks, "Then you won't mind if we take a look?"

The bug cape shifts around, "I don't know. I guess," she hands over the notebook reluctantly.

Grue shouts "Oh god! Why is Regent doing that to me? We're not like that!"

Bitch turns the page, "What the fuck? That's me! And that's .. Brutus! What the fuck?"

I grab the notebook from her. My eyes almost bulge out, "Oh shit! This is all kinds of illegal."

Tattletale finally notices that nobody is listening to her story, she grabs the notebook from me "Let me see that."

She leafs back and forth. Eventually she frowns and asks, "Where's the one with me?"

The bug girl starts to answer but Tattletale puts a finger up "Ah, I know. You kept it for yourself, didn't you? Because it was the best one. I often get told I have perfect skin, you know this one time-"

I grab the notebook back from Tattletale and hand it to the bug girl. Looks like Tattletale isn't going to stop her story any time soon so I whisper to the bug girl "I'll get you some compromising photos of Grue for inspiration if you join."

She pretends to think about it for a moment and says "Fufufu. Ok. I'll join."

Tattletale stops her story, "You will? Ha-ha that's great! Another successful operation by Tattletale. Lets go celebrate! I'll let you guys buy me pizza."

 

--- Jennifer Clarke

Ten more minutes until my shift ends and I get to go home. Gah I'm tired. Working at a bank still beats being unemployed, especially in a city like Brockton Bay, so I smile and greet the next client.

Suddenly I notice somewhat loud bass music coming from one of the private meeting offices. Nobody was supposed to be in there, so it's rather strange. Then I hear a loud muffled crash and some whisper-shouting. At this point most people in the bank have noticed something strange and became quiet while listening.

Female muffled voice: "For fucks sake Grue, do you have to be listening to music all the time?"

Male muffled voice #1: "It helps me relax."

Female muffled voice: "You didn't have to bring a boombox with you! We're trying to be stealthy here. Why didn't you just put earbuds in the helmet?"

Male muffled voice #1: "They make my ears itchy and I can't scratch with the helmet on."

Female muffled voice: "Fuck! I didn't win all those sneaking tournaments for you to be mucking it all up now. You know they said they've never seen a prodigy like me before. Not that-"

Male muffled voice #2: "Oh my god, Tats! You're literally the worst."

Female muffled voice: "You're just envious. Anyway we should get this robbery started."

Robbery? That didn't sound good.

The doors opened and darkness billowed out. After a few moments it receded.

The female voice said "Stop making the darkness. People can't hear me talk when you do that."

The second male voice said "Keep making the darkness."

"Oh har-har. You're a real comedian, Regent" said the girl. She turned to the clients and announced, "I'm Tattletale and I'm robbing you all."

The guy with the boombox and motorcycle helmet asked "Uh, hello?"

The girl looked at him "Oh yeah, these are the Undersiders, they're with me. But I'm the smartest of them, so .."

"Seriously, you're doing this now?"

"Hey, I was just stating facts. Not my fault if you can't handle it."

"Look .. just, you and Skitter watch the hostages. Bitch, Regent, with me."

The other girl, Skitter, looks bored.

Tattletale looks around the room, notices one of the clients and hops down "Oh-ho! Well if it isn't Panacea, the miracle healer. Not to brag but one time I volunteered picking up trash by the highway, so you could say I'm up pretty selfless too. I could show you pictures on my social media?" She takes out a phone but freezes, "Wait. That would out me," she looks to be deep in thought, considering whether it's worth it anyway.

Before she could come up with a decision Panacea punches Tattletale in the face and yells "What! You think you're better than me? With your fancy blonde hair, and your costume. Come at me, I'll claw your eyes out!"

Skitter says "Oh crap," and runs up to Panacea.

Before either of them does anything the wall explodes and Glory Girl flies in. She grabs Skitter by the throat while Tattletale aims a gun at Panacea.

There's a moment of tense silence while the four of them evaluate the situation. Tattletale breaks it "Ah. Don't try anything, I'm a psychic and I'll know it before you even try. You know, people always told me that I'm the most intuitive person they ever met. I didn't really think much of it, but now I see. I was a psychic all along, just too humble to notice it myself. Makes sense really."

Skitter groans loudly. Glory Girl adjusts her grip, thinking she was trying to escape, she probably was, just not from Glory Girl.

Tattletale continues, "But of course talk is cheap. Well not from me, I've been told in the past they'd pay to hear my voice. But .. what was I saying? Oh yeah, I know all your little secrets."

Panacea goes a bit stiff.

Tattletale grins, "For example. Panacea here Really likes her sister."

Panacea says "S-shut up!"

Glory Girl, clueless, asks "Of course she does. I like her too."

Skitter starts making "Fufufufu" noise, then she pulls out a notebook and starts drawing furiously.

The motions of Skitter's arms going back and forth across the paper caused some issues for Glory Girl, "Stop squirming, you're supposed to be a hostage. Why are you even doing that right now?"

Panacea was panicking, "Are you writing this down? You think you're better than me? Just because you have fancy spiders following you around. I'll fuck your shit up!"

Skitter stops scribbling, "What, no! Of course not."

Panacea grabs the notebook, "Let me see that," She looks at the notebook with wide eyes and drools a little bit.

"Amy, what is it? I couldn't see before."

"It's nothing," Panacea hides the notebook behind her. "I'll just destroy it. Don't worry about it, Vicky."

"Why would you destroy it if it's nothing?"

"Why are you asking so many questions? I'm not doing anything weird. You're weird."

"I never said you were. Well now that you mention it, you did kind of become weird after looking at it. Can I see it?"

"No, I don't think that's a good idea. A villain made it, so it's safer to just destroy it. You never know."

"I guess. But why aren't you destroying it now then?"

"I'll do it later, ok?" Panacea snapped back. "Just gotta make sure it's thoroughly destroyed, so I'll just take it to my room and make sure it's destroyed later. No need to go looking for it under my bed or anything."

Tattletale helpfully interjects, "It's porn. Of you two. You know there was also one of yours truly, but Skitter hid it for some reason. Probably wanted to-"

Glory Girl giggles, "Ha-ha. Porn, of me and Amy? That's so funny. Amy isn't that funny?"

Panacea deadpans "Yeah, Vicky. It's funny."

Glory Girl continues "Can you imagine? We'd be sitting on the living room couch. And exploring each other's bodies. And I'd kiss you, and our tongues would intermingle. We'd be naked of course. Then in the evening we would all sit on that same couch as a family, nobody except us knows what we did there earlier."

Skitter gets out another notebook from somewhere "Fufufufufu" and starts scribbling again.

Glory Girl laughs, "Ha-ha. That's so funny. I wonder what mom would say if she found out? She'd probably be pissed. And we'd stick together anyway and run away. Ha-ha, something like that could never happen, though. Would be pretty funny though if it did, right Ames?"

Before Panacea could answer darkness covered the main room again. When it disappeared Skitter was holding me hostage while Panacea was holding Tattletale hostage. Glory Girl was flopping on the ground while the renaissance boy was moving around his arm. The others couldn't really do anything as Panacea had Tattletale.

Oh crap, that's not good. Skitter had her bugs on me, but Panacea will save me, yeah it'll be fine. Also I'm the bank worker narrator from before in case you forgot.

"An exchange then," Panacea says.

Yes, please. I'd rather be with Panacea than the creepy bug girl.

Panacea continues "I'll hand over Tattletale in exchange for that second notebook."

"WHAT?!" I notice that was me who shouted. "You're supposed to exchange for me!"

"Fine. I'll hand over Tattletale in exchange for that second notebook and the hostage."

"No deal."

"Why you! What do you mean no deal? You have plenty of hostages while I have one of your team-mates."

Tattletale decides to pitch in, "Panacea, you're being really stupid right now. I'm clearly more valuable than everyone combined here. Why only ask for one hostage?"

Skitter grumbles, "Stop helping her."

"I'm not helping her. I'm just stating facts, not my fault if people get upset over them."

Skitter grumbles, "Fine. Notebook and the hostage for Tattletale."

After the exchange the Undersiders gather at the hole in the wall that Glory Girl made earlier. Tattletale announces "Another job well done by me! You guys would be completely helpless without me. For now we need to leave though, I'm sorry everyone, but I don't have time to give autographs this time. However-"

Rest of Tattletale's speech was muffled by the smoke again, several minutes later the smoke disappeared and the Undersiders were gone.

 

--- Armsmaster

I'm in a Protectorate meeting regarding Bakuda's bombing spree.

The director is speaking, "Alright everyone. Now's our chance, with everyone focused on Bakuda we go after Squealer."

I voice my concerns, "Ma'am, I really think we should be going after Bakuda and the ABB. She's gone on a rampage, causing massive civilian casualties."

"No. We're going after Squealer and that's final!"

"But, it's our duty-"

"Duty, shmuty. Don't you get it Armsmaster? If we capture Squealer, we can get her to make all of us a pimpin' tinkertech ride. Once we have that, well that's it. We win. Game over. Bam. Done."

"I'm not sure how-"

"God! It's like you never even watched the educational video I sent you."

"Ma'am, Team Knight Rider is a fictional TV show created for entertainment purposes."

"Look, that's not the important part here. The important part is that I'm the director and I say we go after Squealer. There's some high level stuff going on here that you just can't understand."

I grumble "Yes, ma'am."

The director turns to the rest of the Protectorate members "So, does anyone have ideas? Miss Militia?"

"zzz-sh-What?" She abruptly stands up. "I wasn't sleeping. Ha-ha, I was just .. concentrating .. with my eyes closed."

"What were you concentrating on?"

"Ah, well .. the .. Plan! Yes, I was concentrating on the plan."

"Oh, you came up with a plan?"

"Yes, that's right. It was why my eyes were closed after all."

"Good, so what did you come up with?"

"Oh, you want me to tell you the plan? That makes sense. Because I told you that I came up with a plan, which I did. Yes, the plan for solving the problem we were just talking about, during which time I was paying attention with my eyes closed, and not sleeping. Of course, I could just tell you the plan, but first, let us go over some things. Battery, what would you say is the biggest obstacle of the problem for us."

Battery suggested "The other Merchant parahumans?"

"Yes! Merchants, because that's what we were talking about. Of course, other parahumans implies we only care about one of those Merchant parahumans. Velocity, who do you think is the bigger threat from the other Merchant parahumans?"

Velocity replied, "Fuck if I know. Mush, that cocksucking cuntwaffle, is pretty strong, but Skidmark is a cool and handsome dude."

"Right! Yes, that just leaves Squealer. Who we are interested in, for reasons. We want to .. ki- .. ta- .. fi- .. cap- Yes! We want to capture Squealer. Ha-ha, that's what the plan is about of course."

She's wasting a lot of time we don't have, the sooner we get Squealer, the sooner we can go after the actual threat which is Bakuda. So I prod her along "Yes, we already know this. Could you get on with the plan now, please?"

"Of course not. You need to prepare first."

"Prepare?" I ask.

"Yes! It's the best plan ever, it'll blow your mind. I can't just lay it on you. You need to prepare to hear the plan first."

"I believe we're plenty prepared, so it's ok to just say it now."

"Alright then, I will proceed to tell you the plan. Make sure you're ready for it. The plan .. is .. ARMSMASTER"

I startle and ask "Yes?"

"The plan relies on you, Armsmaster."

"Alright, so what will I be doing?"

"You will be .. doing .. the thing."

"What thing?"

"The thing .. which is .."

"Yes?"

Suddenly she shouts "Challenging Squealer to a race!"

The director gets a glint in her eye, "Yes. That IS an excellent plan. Good work, Miss Militia!"

Miss Militia exhales with great relief, beams a smile and sits down.

"I'm not so sure about this plan. There are several flaws," I say.

The director asks acidly "Oh really? And you have a better plan? I highly doubt that is possible."

I respond "Well no, but that doesn't mean this plan is good."

She looks offended and asks "What's wrong with the plan then?"

"Well for one. How would we get her to agree to a race? There's no reason for her to accept, let alone talk to us."

"You leave that to us. All you have to do is win the race."

"Wait. You're not suggesting I actually race her?"

"Well of course, what did you think?"

"I thought we would just capture her when she arrives for the race. Why would we actually proceed with the race? It could cause property damage or even injuries."

"Are you chicken? Is that what this is? Because it sounds like you're chicken."

"Ma'am, that's childish and inappropriate."

"Chicken."

I grumble, it's unlikely I will convince her of anything when she gets like this. "Fine. If there's nothing else I will be in my workshop, preparing for the .. race."

Director announced "Dismissed, everyone."

 

--- Armsmaster

It's the day of the race. Squealer actually showed up. She only has Mush for backup while we have almost the whole Protectorate here.

"Console, this is Armsmaster. I strongly recommend we just capture Squealer and Mush now. We have overwhelming manpower and she's not even in her vehicle right now!"

"Armsmaster, this is Console. We have direct orders from the director to proceed with the plan. Sorry, sir."

I grumble some more. This is completely ridiculous.

I turn to Battery and ask "How did we even get her to agree to this?"

She hands me a flyer which says the following:
Yo, Squealer! This is Armsmaster. I challenge you to a race Wednesday 2 PM on the corner of 5th and Main. If you don't show up, I'll just tell everyone you're chicken! Also I'm better at making sweet-ass rides than you. You're probably too scared to show up anyway since I'll be able to prove it to everyone then!

"I didn't write this," I comment.

Battery explains "Yeah, the director said the Thinkers came up with it."

"Fine. Let's just get this over with," I approach the starting line.

I'm interrupted by a call from Dragon. She somehow patches through without waiting for me to accept the call. "So, Armsy. What do you think of Squirrel?"

"It's Squealer," I correct her.

"Oh. You're defending her now?"

"That's not- look, Dragon, did you need something? I'm about to start the race."

"Yeah, I was just wondering what you think about her."

"Well, she has potential."

"Oh! Potential? As in, if she cleaned up she would be a fine piece of ass- kind of potential? Is that what you meant?"

"No. I was referring to her tinkering."

"Of course you were. Well I was also referring to something else when I made that report about you earlier."

"What report? Dragon, what did you do? Also what do you mean, earlier? I hadn't even done anything yet."

"Oh I knew you'd do something sooner or later. Well I guess you'll find out soon enough, gotta go, busy and all that." *Click*

Damn it, now I have another mess to deal with later.

"Armsmaster, this is Console. Proceed with phase two."

I sigh and turn to Squealer. "Squealer, how about an additional wager?"

She asks "Fuck you had in mind?"

"If I win, you join the Protectorate."

"And if I win? You join the Merchants."

"Fine," there's no way we would go through with that anyway.

"Alright, get ready, I'll smoke your ass. And no crying foul either! Anything goes."

I roll my eyes but don't respond. I need to concentrate on the race, it will be far easier overall if she agrees to join the Protectorate rather than having to force her to join.

We both start accelerating and it becomes clear quickly that my acceleration is far superior to Squealer's but she has higher top speed. Now if only the director didn't pick a straight line of street for us to race in!

What the hell? The street isn't even cleared of civilian traffic! Squealer's going to smash into that SUV unless I do something. I swerve in front of the SUV causing it to turn aside, Squealer's vehicle rumbles past me. There's no way for me to catch up to her now. But at least the civilian is safe.

Oh well, we'll just have to do this the hard way then. There's plenty of Protectorate member's present, we won't let her get away.

Arriving at the finish line Squealer is already waiting for me, "Ha-ha! Told ya I'd smoke ya! You thought you could challenge me? I'm the nr. 1 vehicle tinker in the world! Must have been some real good shit you been smoking to think otherwise!"

After a few minutes more of Squealer's rambling the others catch up to us.

I hear in my comms "Armsmaster, this is the director. Put me on speaker."

I follow the order and say "You're on speaker."

"Squealer, this is director Piggot of the PRT."

"Aw, shit. Big boss lady herself, fuck you want?"

"We need you in the Protectorate. Unlimited budget, whatever it takes. You can turn the whole Rig into a giant vehicle if you want, as long as it has cloaking tech and hyperspace drives."

"The Protectorate, eh? Well shit. Unlimited budget does sound real nice, does that mean I get to order other fuckers to find parts from the junkyard?"

"Yes, I'll assign a whole team if necessary."

"It does sound nice, but I dunno. Does that mean I'll finally get some fucking respect?"

"I can arrange that. I'll make you the head of Protectorate if you join."

"Shit, for reals? Fuck! Alright I'm in."

There's no way the director will actually do that .. ?

Velocity joins the conversation "Hold on a motherfucking minute now, bitches!"

The director sounds alarmed "Velocity, is there a problem?"

"Fuck yes, there's a problem, you turd-flavoured cumsplat!" He then proceeds to remove his helmet. "I was Skidmark all along, you dumbass fuckbumpers!"

"How? You never showed any ability to move quickly before," I ask incredulously.

"I was faking it. Now shut the fuck up! Director cumswallower, you think I'll just let you have Squealer?"

"You get Armsmaster in return."

"I get that fucker anyway coz he lost!"

"Fine. I'll throw in Dauntless as well."

"Shit, that cocksucker get stronger eery day. Aight."

I'm quite alarmed by this turn of events "Director?! You can't be serious?"

"I'm quite serious, you didn't even win the race, now stop questioning me! Go with Skidmark."

I grumble, this has to be some sort of plot by the director. I just need to believe she knows what she's doing.

 

--- Armsmaster

"For the last time Skidmark aluminum foil is not an acceptable tinkering material," I try to explain.

"Yeah, well fuck you too. Squealer got by with this shit just fine and still smoked you. What good are you to me anyway?"

I sigh but don't respond. It would be a waste of time to argue with him.

Skidmark turns to Dauntless and asks "Don't tell me you also got shit to complain about?"

"No, sir!" Dauntless responds.

"Sir, huh? Yeah, I like that. Finally get some respect around here. You're in charge while I'm protecting the city from other cumstains like you."

I'm baffled "You can't be seriously suggesting of going back to the Protectorate? They know you're Skidmark now."

"Hey, only one of us is still a respected member of the Protectorate, and it sure as shit aint you!"

I grind my teeth but stay silent. This could be a good thing, perhaps he will finally be captured when he goes back.

Ignorant of my thoughts, the druglord announces "Oh yeah, there's this meeting tonight at Somer's Rock about some bomberwoman crap. You take care of it for me."

That got my attention. It appears that the villains are taking Bakuda seriously.

Dauntless salutes "Yes, sir!"

"Alright, keep that shit up and you got yourself a promotion coming. Anyway I'm out."

After Skidmark left I turn to Dauntless "We have to go to that meeting."

"I guess so," Dauntless shrugs.

"It's a lead on Bakuda."

"Yeah, but .."

"But what? This is important, Bakuda should be our number one priority. I'm not sure what the director's plan is but we can't take any chances."

"What if it's haunted there?"

"What?"

"That Somer's Rock place. What if it's haunted? That would be bad."

"It's not haunted."

"How do you know?"

"There's no such thing as ghosts."

"Ah! That's what they want you to think, then, when you let your guard down, BAM, they gotcha!"

"I'm certain it's not haunted."

"Have you been to Somer's Rock before?"

"No."

"Then you can't be sure."

I take a deep breath and try to convince him "It's not going to be haunted. Besides we'll stick together and other people will be there too."

"Oh, yeah. Wait a minute though, the Empire will be there, won't they?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"Crusader is in the Empire."

"Last I heard, yes."

"He can make ghosts, so even if it's not haunted there may still be ghosts there."

"This is a lead on Bakuda. I need to go, but I also need you there for backup. None of the potential ghosts there will hurt you. I won't let them."

"No, no, no. I think .. no. I'm not comfortable with this plan."

"I can't go alone. There could be non-ghost related danger, besides didn't Skidmark tell you we have to go?"

He seems to consider it. "Take Mush then. Yeah, take him. Someone's going to have to stay back at the base, to make sure we won't be attacked here in the mean time."

I sigh again "Fine."

--- Later that night just outside of Somer's Rock pub

"Alright, Mush, let's go over the plan," I remind him.

"Plan?" Mush asks.

"Yes. For when we go in there."

"We're going where now?"

"The meeting!"

"Oh, nice to meet you."

"Not me! We already met earlier."

"We did? Who are you then?"

"Look, just shut up and don't draw any attention."

"That's cool, I can't even draw anyway."

I grind my teeth again, this guy is completely useless. Well perhaps the others will at least think twice before attacking if he just sits there.

We step into the pub. The Empire, Faultline's Crew, Coil and the Undersiders are already present. Looks like we're the last to arrive.

There's loud music from a boombox in front of Grue. The unknown cape from the other night is sitting in one of the booths with the Undersiders. She could be in the Wards now, damn it Dragon!

Kaiser speaks up, "What up, G? Ey, what's the dillio with captain buzz kill over there?"

I start to sit down at the table and explain "I'm here-"

Kaiser kicks out the chair from under me and I fall down. I shout at him "Hey! Watch the beard!" I take out a mirror and smooth over any ruffles, then I calm down and continue to explain "I'm with the Merchants now .. somehow. And I'm here to discuss the ABB situation."

Kaiser responds "Aight, we good to go then. Dems the rules, no throwing down, no wigging out. We all here to talk about that B Bakuda, know what I'm saying?"

Tattletale snorts "Please, I could deal with her in five minutes. You know one time-"

She gets muffled by Regent putting a hand over her mouth. Strangest part is that she keeps talking into the hand instead of shutting up.

I shake my head and return my attention to the main table. I say "Yes, as I said I'm here to discuss-"

I am interrupted by the door opening and Lung walks in. He sits down and puts his feet up on the table.

Nobody seems to have any issue with this turn of events so I voice my opinion "Excuse me. You're not supposed to be here."

He asks "What's the problem?"

"The problem is that we're all here to discuss you and your gang's rampage! Bakuda needs to be brought down, you being here defeats the whole purpose of our meeting."

"Hey, I need that jerkface to be brought down as well."

"She's in your gang! Just ask her to stop."

"I tried that but she has my Prince Arthas figure."

"You didn't stop Bakuda because of a toy?"

"It's not a toy!" Lung shouts at me. Then relaxes a bit and says "It's a collectible."

"Just buy another one!"

"I can't, it's limited edition."

"We can write to the company who made it and ask them to make more then. If it stops the bombings they would surely agree."

"No way, man! Then it wouldn't be limited edition anymore and end up being worthless."

I close my eyes in frustration. "Fine, if we got this .. figure from Bakuda, will you stop her?"

"She took some of my Magic cards as well."

I glare at him.

He gulps and says "But they were only worthless land copies anyway, so yeah. Just the limited edition figure. I will stop her when I get it back."

There's a moment of silence. No, not silence, there's a moment of just Grue's music. Eventually Kaiser breaks it by saying "Cool beans, dudes. Let's roll out!"