Celestial Worm [Worm AU crossover] (COMPLETE)

Celestial Hamster


A non-Worm Mystal one-shot.


[A/N: This story beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]

[A/N 2: This story is set after the point at which Mystal begins to catch up with Earlafaol, technology-wise.]

[A/N 3: This story was inspired by a line out of The Long Way Home (sequel to Ties That Bind, soon to be published) noting that hamsters get more respect from celestials than mortals do.]


Chance, the Mystallian God of Luck, was bored.

Bored, bored, bored.

Normally, he considered himself the luckiest god alive (because duh) but just that morning, his lovely wife Emi (Goddess of Love, Lust and Fertility, and living proof that the phrase ‘getting lucky’ was divinely inspired) had taken the kids off to visit her family. Someone’s birthday or something; he was hazy on the details. He’d chosen not to go, and now he was bored out of his celestial skull.

He could cave and blood-link to Emi, but that would mean he’d made the wrong call. He never made the wrong call. Even outside Mystal, his innate good fortune invariably meant that whatever call he made was always the right call.

But now he was bored.

Realms damn it.

With a gusty sigh, he raised his hand to make the gesture, but at the last moment he changed his mind. Fewer things were more stubborn than a Mystallian who’d decided to dig their heels in, and Chance’s luck allowed him to get away with being more stubborn than most. “Barris!” he called as he made the gesture.

The blood-link opened, but when Barris appeared, he was holding his finger to his lips. Behind him, there was dense foliage. Barris held something that looked vaguely like a bow, only it seemed to have far too many strings to it, attached to pulleys. Maybe it was some kind of harp?

“Sh!” admonished the Mystallian God of the Hunt in a harsh whisper. “I’ve been tracking this buck for three days now. If you distract me now …”

“Is that a bow?” Chance interrupted his nephew, pointing at the weapon. “I hope so, because if it’s some sort of stringed instrument, Piper needs to have words with whatever musician crafted it.” He could just imagine the sort of words the God of Music would have for someone who designed something that misbegotten.

Slowly, Barris facepalmed. “It’s a new type of bow,” he growled under his breath. “Cousin Col sent it from Earlafaol as a birthday present. I’m giving it a field test. Now will you go away!”

At that moment, in the background, there was the sound of something crashing through the undergrowth, getting farther away by the second. Barris’ grip on the bow tightened until his knuckles showed white.

“I think it’s getting away,” Chance offered helpfully.

“Yes. I know it’s getting away,” snarled Barris. He gestured and the blood-link closed, leaving Chance staring at the wall.

“Well, that was rude,” mused Chance. “He didn’t even ask me for help.” His luck, he knew, would make child’s play of locating Barris’ prey again. He was equally aware that Barris’ own powerbase would do much the same. Still, it was the thought that counted.

And now he was bored again.

Well, if Barris didn’t feel like talking, maybe the boy’s mother was feeling more sociable. It was always fun to challenge Mystal’s Goddess of War to a game of blindfolded chess. His luck versus her ability to never lose a contest always made it an interesting encounter. Chance went to the shelf and took down the ornately decorated chessboard, the one with the mismatched pieces. Every single piece had its own history. Not only had each one belonged to a different mortal master of the art, but each piece had once been used to make the winning move in a game against an equally skilled opponent. Chance knew; he’d been there, every time.

It had taken him forever to acquire that last white pawn.

“Armina!” he called, making the gesture once more.

Nothing happened.

“Oh, for the love of …” He scowled, the expression an unfamiliar one on his features. “Armina!” The gesture was repeated.

Again, nothing happened.

His own sister was declining his call. What was Mystal coming to? Am I losing my touch? Leaning into his luck, he reached out to another shelf and picked up the coin that just happened to be lying there. “Heads,” he decided. Wedging his thumb under it, he flipped it dexterously into the air. Over and over it spun, until it slapped into his palm. Looking down, he smiled superlatively. The profile of some long-dead mortal ruler looked back at him.

Mortal.

Of course.

Sliding the chess set back onto the shelf, he discarded the coin. It was unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But it had shown him the way. If he wanted something to do, he had to go down to the mortal realm and find it. So be it.

Of course, once he got back, Armina was going to need a good explanation for blowing him off. It better have been a really interesting war, or all her luck’s gonna be bad luck for about the next eon.

<><>​

Mystal’s Mortal Realm
A City Not Unlike New York

Perry Travis strolled down the street, a smile on his face. He paused by a trash can and brought his hand out of his hoodie pocket. The pathetic bundle of fur disappeared into the can, and he walked on. Nobody knew his secret, though the pet shops closer to where he lived were starting to suspect that something was up.

There were only so many places he could buy a hamster in the city, but it couldn’t be helped. As much as he tried to draw things out, they only lasted so long. The little shit machines were so fragile. Still, it was fun to make them run to exhaustion and beyond on their little wheels; a squirt bottle was good for that. Or to chase them around the cage with a sharp pencil until they didn’t know where to run. The look of desperation in their beady little eyes was like cocaine or something for him. Not that he’d ever tried cocaine; he wasn’t stupid.

He supposed some people would say he was a monster for what he did, but he had no time for bleeding-heart activists. At least he wasn’t doing it to people. As much as he’d like to do it to some. Like that stuck-up little cow Mandy Jenkins at the coffee shop. Always giving him mixed signals, smiling to his face and refusing every time he asked her for a date. But he had no idea how to even arrange something like that, so he was sticking with hamsters for the time being.

He walked on up the block and pushed open the door to the pet shop. A bell above the door jingled.

<><>​

Chance

Stepping down from the celestial realm, Chance appeared in an alleyway. Per his luck, there was nobody there to witness his arrival. The alley was even fairly clean. He checked his clothing over—a decade or three out of date, but with his luck it’d show up as being charmingly retro—and walked out onto the street. A pair of sunglasses completed his ensemble.

Hands in pockets, he picked a direction at random and strolled along the pavement. Whatever his luck was directing him toward, it should happen soon. Do I get to mess with some mugger’s day? It seemed so … petty.

And then a door opened with the jingle of a bell, and a chubby little man walked out. He held a small cage with a hamster inside. “Mandy,” he said as he passed by Chance. “I think I’ll call you Mandy.”

On impulse, Chance dived into the man’s mind.

Perry Travis.

Likes to torture hamsters.

Savours their terror and pain.

It makes him feel like a god.

His eyebrows raised, Chance watched the mortal walk away. Within the cage, the furry brown hamster sniffed at the bars. His mouth twisted; for all their short lives, mortals had an amazing talent for depravity and corruption.

But on the other hand … this sort of thing was exactly what he needed. Mortal muggers were no challenge; he could leave them wondering which way was up with no effort at all. But a mortal who thought he was a god … this is going to be fun.

Whistling a jaunty tune, he waited for that one moment when nobody was looking in his direction, and realm-stepped away.

<><>​

Mystal
Celestial Realm
City of Pandess

“L-Lord Chance!” The flustered pet shop owner fluttered her hands as she came out from behind the counter. “I’m honoured to have you in my shop.” She gestured around at the menagerie which her shop featured. “We stock many strange and exotic creatures from all over the Known Realms. Which would you like?”

Chance pinched his chin, enjoying the moment. Slowly, he paced along the row of enclosures. The pet shop owner followed him, rubbing her hands anxiously over each other.

When he’d drawn it out as long as he figured he could, he turned to her. “So … do you have any hamsters?”

“H-hamsters, Lord Chance?” Her voice rose to a squeak.

“Hamsters.” He waved one hand in a come-on motion. “Little furry things. Like to run on wheels.”

“Oh. Um.” She paused, then her expression cleared. “I don’t stock any, but my ten-year old niece keeps some …?”

“Perfect,” he declared. “Ask her if she’ll loan me her prettiest one. It’s for a good cause.”

The stunned look on her face, he decided, made this whole thing worth it. And he wasn’t even half done yet.

<><>​

Mortal Realm

Chance realm-stepped into Perry Travis’ apartment. Travis was bending over an elaborate cage in the middle of his living room. Straightening up, he dusted off his hands. “Get comfortable, Mandy,” he said, then giggled in a thoroughly creepy manner. “I’ll be back—”

Chance’s mind-bending stopped him in mid-stride and mid-word. Walking past him, the god of Luck leaned down over the cage. He easily manipulated the cage door and reached in. Trustingly, the mortal creature within stepped on to his hand. He lifted it out, then replaced it with the one he’d bought in the celestial pet shop. As Luck would have it, they were virtually identical. Closing the cage, he leaned down to put his lips next to the bars.

“Don’t make it too quick,” he whispered.

The hamster wriggled its nose.

After one final modification to Travis’ mind, so that he wouldn’t notice the celestial intruder in his apartment, Chance settled down into the man’s favourite armchair. He didn’t intend to miss a moment of this.

A moment later, Perry Travis began to move again. “—before you know it.”

<><>​

Perry Travis

Perry came out of the kitchenette with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then sat down beside the cage. Mandy was sniffing around her new surroundings, her little pink nose working nineteen to the dozen. She turned and looked at him, her bright little eyes disconcertingly intelligent.

He knew very well that he had no idea how to tell male hamsters from female ones, but he’d already decided that this one was called Mandy, so she was obviously a ‘she’.

“Well, don’t look at me,” he said. “There’s your hamster wheel. You’re a little pudgy. It must be all those extra blueberry muffins at lunch with your hamster friends. You could stand to lose a little weight.”

It was highly unlikely that the hamster actually understood his words, so it was just pure luck that the little critter decided to climb on to the wheel and start running. He watched for a while, waiting for it to slow down, but it didn’t. The hamster wheel was turning at a good clip, and Mandy seemed to be settled in for the duration.

The longer he watched, the more irritated he became. Mandy wasn’t supposed to be energetic. She was supposed to be lazy. Why else was he going to need to punish her?

Travis leaned back in his chair and reached for his sandwich, then frowned. The plate it had been on was empty. Had he eaten it already?

“Fine,” he muttered. “You want to run? Run faster.” Opening the hatch at the top of the cage, he reached in with his squirt bottle and gave Mandy a dose of cold water. Startled, she ran faster. “Hah!” he exulted, feeling in control of the situation again. “Want to be a smartass, you stupid little rodent? Who’s the boss? I’m the boss.”

Bringing the bottle closer, he squirted her again. This time, she stopped running, and turned to look at him. Slowly and deliberately, she stepped off the wheel.

“Who do you think you’re looking at?” Perry demanded. He aimed the bottle and went to direct another squirt at her, but before his fingers could squeeze the trigger, there was a flash of motion and the bottle was jerked out of his hand.

Astonished, he stared at the bottle. It was lying in the bottom of the cage, the squirt mechanism torn off. As he watched, the last of the water drained out of it. Mandy was sitting up on her hindquarters, front paws folded before her. Watching him.

“What the crap?” he demanded. His favourite pencil, carefully sharpened, lay on the table beside the cage. “You stupid little shit! You’re gonna pay for that!” Taking up the pencil, he reached into the cage again. One good jab with the sharp end would take the fight out of her.

There was another flash of movement, and a scorched sensation from his fingers. Scarcely able to believe his eyes, he saw that Mandy now had the pencil. As he watched, she put it in her mouth and bit it cleanly in half with a distinct crunch. Discarding both halves, she dropped to all fours and began to advance menacingly toward him.

“No,” he muttered. “No fucking way.” It should’ve been impossible for a hamster to be menacing, but there she was. The way her disconcertingly intelligent eyes were fixed on his gave him the absolute creeps.

Pulling his hand out of the cage, he secured the top hatch with shaking fingers. Then he backed away a few steps. He’d stop feeding her and giving her water, he decided. When she was starving to death, she’d realise who was boss.

Mandy reached the side of the cage and went up on her hind legs, front paws gripping the bars. He laughed harshly. “Not so smart now, huh? You’re stuck in there. You got nothing, you furry little shitbag!”

There was a metallic noise. Perry stared at the hole that had been torn in the side of the cage, metal bars wrenched aside and in some cases snapped clean through. Mandy stepped through the resultant gap, her eyes still fixed on Perry’s. He began to back away. When he was a good ten feet away … she leaped.

The impact was like being hit in the middle of the chest with a hurled baseball. Perry’s breath went out of him in one huge gust, and he staggered backward until he hit the wall. He stared down at the hamster clinging to his shirt with a horrified gaze.

“What’s going on?” he demanded, his voice hitting a higher register than he would normally have imagined. “What are you?” Bringing up his hand, he tried to brush the malevolent little beast away. Once it was on the floor, he’d be able to stamp on it. He’d crushed hamsters to death like that before.

Pain shot down his arm and he jerked his hand away, staring at his little finger, which was now somehow sticking out at right angles to the rest of his hand. Opening his mouth, he drew in his breath to scream, but the hamster scuttled up his shirt then leaped up to latch on to his nostrils. When it drew its head back, he was momentarily confused … then it headbutted him.

Hard.

He found himself lying on the floor with a ringing headache, with the hamster sitting a short distance away. As his head cleared, the hamster began to advance on him once more. Terrified beyond what he would’ve imagined possible an hour ago, he began to scrabble backward on his butt away from the horrifying little creature.

It followed him, step by step. Perhaps it was his imagination, but he thought he could feel its tiny feet shaking the apartment. Stomp. Stomp stomp.

Clambering to his feet, he grabbed the broom as the closest thing at hand. He turned and swung it two-handed at the beast. In the next moment, the broom had been torn from his hands and flung back to the other end of the apartment.

The next thing to his hand was the iron his mother had gifted him with. He kept it on the counter in case she ever visited, but he’d rarely used it. Now, he picked it up and hurled it at the oncoming menace. The return throw nearly took his head off, before the iron crashed out through a window.

He’d had enough. Turning, he made a dash for the front door of the apartment. Yanking it open, he plunged through and slammed it behind him. Not bothering to wait and see if the little murder-beast could actually gnaw its way through an inch of solid timber—mainly because he didn’t want to find out—he fled down the corridor to the stairs.

Panting harshly, he took the steps two and three at a time. The door to the street was just ahead. He was almost safe. He—

The solid weight smashed into the middle of his back. He was sent tumbling forward, rolling over and over down the stairs until he hit the door and crashed through it, ending up sprawled on the outside steps. Dazed, he lay there groaning, trying to figure out which way was up. Looking back toward the shattered door, he saw a little pink nose appear over the edge of the step.

“No …” he groaned. “No … please … no …”

The hamster jumped down a step and latched its teeth on to the bottom of his pants leg. It tugged. He felt himself shift a few inches. It tugged again, then leaped to a higher step.

As it began to drag him back through the doorway, he screamed and screamed and screamed for help, but nobody seemed to be around …

<><>​

Pet Shop on the Mortal Realm

Vincent Drysdale, pet shop owner, looked around with a puzzled air. He was sure he’d sold the hamster that had been in that cage, but now the hamster was back … oh, of course! He was thinking of that other hamster he’d sold that one time. This hamster had every right to be there.

As he went over to refresh the cute little creature’s food and water, he thought he heard the bell over his shop door ring, but when he glanced that way, there was nobody to be seen.

I must have been imagining things.

<><>​

Mystal

“So then,” Chance said as the laughter died down, “she starts dragging him back up the stairs.”

“Damn,” said Armina, giving the little creature snuffling around in the middle of the table a look of respect. “I like it.”

“Great, now you’ve done it,” groaned Barris theatrically. “Now Mom will be breeding two-meter war hamsters, and we’re all going to have to think of nice things to say about them.”

Armina, still clad in her black plate armour but with her helmet on the table in front of her, raised an eyebrow. “Is that a challenge?”

Chance smirked and leaned back in his chair as mother and son bickered.

Now, this was more like it.


The End