Darth Bucket List [Star Wars AU, Crack, Tomfoolery, Shenanigans.]

[KitsuneObsessedFreak]

Darth Bucket List 01:
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In Which Palpatine doesn't read the Terms of Service
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Disclaimer:
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Well, we have managed to come up with something I think y'all will like for once. Pure crack, a sister fic and possibly even canon to another series that's coming up, and just pure, unfiltered crack.
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Seriously, if you take this story seriously in any way, I'm going to call you out for having a serious lack of humor. Because seriously, this fic is in no way serious, so please do not come to me with serious thoughts about taking it seriously. Seriously.
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This fic is in no way canon to Star Wars, so I have the right to call anyone out for trying to out autism me. I will actually call you a nerd, lmao.
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This fic is commissioned by TheInvisibleNone, the same guy who commissioned Large Liquid Monster, and is planned by myself, him and HiddenMaster, who is the collab author for A Kitsune's Ascent, and helps plan many of my sillier fics, including Fox Around and Find Out, and Puppers DxD. Suffice to say, you've been warned. -Kitsu
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Sheev Palpatine was positively delighted. While his plans had fallen apart on Naboo, the fighting had uncovered something so utterly useful that he had no choice but to take it for himself.

His… former apprentice, Maul, had somehow been hiding a holocron from him. A rather important one. One he had left on his ship in a hidden panel, that Sidious just so happened to notice while he went to land at the space port to celebrate with the rest of the people of Naboo.

Such… paltry celebrations would be unnecessary once the grand plan was completed, unless they were in his honor, of that he was assured. However, it revealed something to him that he decided was worth the cost.

The holocron that Maul had been hiding was indeed one he had been searching for since time immemorial. Something rather interesting was that it was an untampered, original version of the Revan holocron he had in his Senatorial office back on Coruscant. Untouched and raw, with all the knowledge of the greatest Sith to ever live.

Yes, it even held an echo of the Sith Master, he could feel it. And now. Now was the time to finally open it, in the safety of his private ritual chambers.

"Open," he told the holocron, the Darkside responding to his will and forcing the Holocron to obey him.

When it was fully open, it turned itself on, and the devastating mask of Darth Revan was revealed to him. The most delightful part of this, was the calling of Revan's Force Ghost to speak with him as part of the mechanisms of the Holocron itself. Something completely non-standard, that tickled him ever so slightly.

"It's been a long time since anyone has bothered to open my Holocron," Revan smiled. "I almost thought no one would be interested in my teachings in the modern age."

"Unlike most, I have the understanding necessary to know that Knowledge is Power," Darth Sidious smirked. "And that no matter how ancient the source, the knowledge of those who came before us is always useful in the coming era."

"Indeed," Darth Revan nodded his head, his smile easy to read despite the mask yet again.

"Tell me your wisdom, Darth Revan," Darth Sidious demanded, knowing he had already won.

"Of course, but first, I need a few things from you," Darth Revan explained.

Security protocols on holocrons were usually too annoying to bypass, and doing so universally destroyed the contents. Which was why he knew he would have to complete whatever questions or Force Visions this holocron wished to show him before he could continue. However, he was strong in the Dark Side, so he knew nothing that this holocron could show him would be of any danger to him.

"What do you require of me, Lord Revan," Sidious asked, ready to complete the tasks given to him to gain access to the ultimate knowledge.

"You must bind yourself to a Force Oath, an ancient and powerful one that will allow me to accompany you while you complete the tasks I have for you until my Force Ghost is satisfied," Darth Revan smiled. "A list of ninety-nine things I always wished I could do in life, that would in the process, teach you everything you need to learn from me before I could fully teach you the true power of the Dark Side."

Sidious was practically salivating at those words. He knew it was going to be something important, something powerful and useful to his plans.

Thus, he accepted.

…It was the worst mistake of his life.

~~~~~
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"You know, Palpy?" Revan chuckled as he floated in Palpatine's vision, only able to be seen by him. "I always wanted to dance a proper Corellian jig on a Nabooian Fambaa while wearing a pink Coruscanti tutu."

Revan's smirk was grating. "In fact, now that there is set to be a parade, this is the best time to do so!"

"And what, pray tell me, will this teach me?" Sidious fumed, already planning ways to use Darth Revan's soul in a ritual to empower himself further.

"It will teach you a valuable lesson in balance, and self-control," Revan stated. "While also teaching you of passion and it's many forms. Such a lesson is invaluable, and the cornerstone of my teachings."

"…Very well," Darth Sidious sighed, feeling the oath he had taken grinding away at him as he tried to resist. "I will complete the task you have given me, regardless of my feelings on the matter."

"Of course you will! And you'll learn something glorious from it," Revan smiled behind his mask, the Force Ghost radiating a near blinding level of smug superiority as it forced him to do this… unhinged reputation-destroying thing for the sake of his own amusement.

How loathsome. How he hated Darth Revan at that very moment.

But if he must, then he would do as he was asked regardless…

~~~~
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"Is that the Senator of Naboo?" Obi-Wan asked his Master, Qui-Gon as the parade proceeded down the main street of Theed.

"It's quite peculiar isn't it," Qui-Gon smirked. "This must be his way of attempting to improve morale now that the fighting is over. Quite admirable of the man."

"I don't know, Master," Obi-Wan sighed. "It looks as though someone coerced him into it. Look at his face as he dances on that Fambaa. His smile is twitching angrily."

"Indeed it is, Padawan, good eye," Qui-Gon smiled.

"I'm just glad Master Qui-Gon and you managed to beat Darth Maul," Anakin said from beside them. "If it wasn't for Obi-Wan, you would have charged right after the Sith, and probably would have died, right?"

"He's quite right," Qui-Gon smiled. "You were correct that we were better off having him come to us than getting separated in the fight. And it worked out quite well for us when he rushed back in anger and impatience into a well prepared trap."

"It was only common sense, Master," Obi-Wan stated, though he was secretly quite pleased with the results.

"Wait, is that Jar Jar up there with the Senator?" Anakin interrupted.

"Indeed it is—" Qui-Gon said, just as the Senator was backhanded off of the Fambaa and into a big pile of crap behind it.

Suffice to say, the parade was halted for a minor medical emergency.

~~~~
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AN:
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TheInvisibleNone: Ah yes, poor Sheev, should've read the contract before signing. So now Revan is dragging him halfway across the galaxy for kicks. Too bad the Light Side has a monopoly on Common Sense in this fic...

Kitsu: Kek. Lmao even. Foxxo is very fond of making Palpy suffer. So Palpy will be forced to do a lot of forceful things using the force because this force ghost wants him to learn his ways in the force for force sakes, or else the force would reject him because the force is the force and thus the force is very forceful about force related force training for force sensitive force users. Force.

TheInvisibleNone: Dammit Kitsu! Now Force isn't even a word anymore to me! At least you didn't go, "The Force is a force, of course, of course." But yeah there's a reason that Qui-Gon didn't bite it, and that will be explained in a fic that this one will be a bit of a side project to. May Common Sense Be With You, Always.

Kitsu: Shhh. Spoilers.

Anyways, we are going to be doing this one for a while while Dragon and Alphabet do LLM now. Because Large Liquid Monster is not my jam.

TheInvisibleNone: They're more like melted butter honestly....

Kitsu: So yeah, if you wanna chill with me, come check my discord at the link here: https://aikoakiyoshi.carrd.co/

 

[KitsuneObsessedFreak]

Darth Bucket List 02:
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After publicly fleeing Coruscant thanks to a certain development with his master, Plagueis, with nothing but the clothes on his back and a lightsaber, Sidious hid himself on Nar Shaddaa, where he disappeared into the either for a while.

Of course, he still headed back to Naboo immediately after covering his trail, and shared his so-called joy for Naboo's growing economic sector with the Republic — even going so far as to announce that he was going to support a charity with his own personal funds. One that would help the starving people of Jakku farm food and water on their desert planet.

Truly a useless gesture that he could use to appropriate some more funds for himself in the end, now that he could no longer rely on the Intergalactic Banking Clan funds he had so carefully sequestered away for his own use. Tragic, really, but there was nothing he could do for the moment, so he would have to strike back on his own.

After all, he had found Maul and put him back together. With this, he would surely be able to take on his former master and have him brought to heel.

But he needed another edge. Something he could use to ensure that Plagueis couldn't simply have him exposed and be done with it. And he knew just the thing.

He opened Revan's holocron once more and spoke to it. "I am ready for your next lesson, if you are still willing to give such," Sidious growled. "But be warned, I will be of more use to you alive than dead because you happened to make a mockery of me."

"Heh," Revan smirked. "I'm glad to see you have finally come to your senses and are willing to try again. Now, I have ninety-eight more 'lessons' I can give you, each pertaining to something on my bucket list. And boy do I have a good one for you right about now, Sidious."

"And pray tell, what would that be?" Darth Sidious asked, his brow raised, and the force swirling around him in anticipation.

"First things first. You're gonna need to find the Ebon Hawk—" Revan began, only to be cut off.

"Already done," Sidious laughed, slamming a remote starter on the table. "Shall I have it restored as well?"

"…Yup," Revan nodded. "Though you'll need to upgrade anything that isn't up to par with the modern age, all by yourself, so that no one else manages to outpace you for the next part."

"Outpace me?" Sidious asked, steepling his fingers. "You make it sound as if I'll be running from something or perhaps chasing it."

"Even better," Revan smirked. "You'll be running the ship in a race, and you'll need to come in first place."

"And how will this help me in my goals?" Sidious growled.

"It will make you more popular, especially when you set up a drive to adopt a million Loth Cats across the galaxy, with one specifically sitting with you the whole time," Revan chuckled, resting his spectral palm on Sidious's shoulder. "The people seeing the Supreme Chancellor doing his best to support both Diplomatic Relations with the various people by doing a charity race, and enjoying the presence of a cute furred alien creature, will certainly result in a massive popularity boost for you. But it also serves one other purpose."

"And that is?" Sidious asked with pursed lips, not liking where this was going one bit.

"It will teach you how to escape relentless pursuit of hostile enemy forces, while reaching your objective," Revan laughed, before walking away and making his way to the holo-terminal.

"Now, there are some interesting races out and about," Revan joked. "Though I have no idea how a Need for Speed Pro Street race would fit your ship, so that one is right out."

"Ah yes, taking a ship to a pod race," Sidious snarked. "We would surely be disqualified."

"And the Gran Turismo Galaxy Wide Freighter Race is simply boring," Revan continued, as though he was completely ignoring Sidious. How dare he?!

"Burnout Galaxy is a bad idea for a beginner," Revan remarked, "And I quite like my ship, so it's right out."

From that, Sidious had an idea. "What about the Redline?"

"The Redline?" Revan looked it up and smiled. "A race from Nar Shadda to Tatooine and back again, no holds barred, anything permitted, sponsored by the Hutts?"

Sidious preened. "Of course, it will be all in the name of improving diplomatic relations with the Republic, you see…"

Revan laughed. "If you can get it done, then let's do it. But first, we need to prepare."

"I will have it done immediately," Sidious smiled. Menacingly.

Because surely, with the technology and the power of the Dark side of the force at his disposal, no one would stand a chance.

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Gears spun, droids whirring and drilling bits and bobs into the frame under Sidious's absolute control. Even as his puppets danced in the dark side, he laughed and upgraded his ship to the utmost of its capabilities.

Darth Reven hummed approvingly. "I see you replaced the hyperdrive and the engines," he nodded. "And repaired the shield array and weapons to their prime. Good work."

"Indeed," Sidious grinned. "The technology of old is quite powerful, even if the hyperdrive and engines were much lesser than modern day equivalents."

"Then you should be able to use what you've managed to come up with here to win the race without issues?" Revan smirked knowingly, as if he had already foreseen the outcome.

No matter if Revan had seen his victory, then it was all but assured. Regardless of how he achieved it, the prize would be his to claim.

"Let's go get you registered then," Revan chuckled.

Darth Sidious grinned. "Yes. Lets…"

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The race was fast. From start to finish, Sidious was pushing his ship as fast as it could reasonably go, using the dark side of the force to push further and faster than any other ship could possibly have gone.

His guns fired upon other racers who dared to get too close. The power of the Dark Side flowed from him to disrupt others. And he flew in the most sharp, fast lines he could possibly fly without losing a hint of speed.

Yet he was still losing. And to someone in a YV 929. As if that was somehow supposed to be faster than his ship, simply because it was bigger, and had more guns.

Yet as they approached the finish line, the captain of said vessel opened up a comms channel to gloat.

"Hahaha! Looks like I win ol— What the fuck?" the alien asked, as he instead came face to face with the Loth Cat sitting on his lap due to where the internal cameras had been facing.

Sidious fired, causing the ship to veer away and crash into a meteor as he crossed the finish line in first place, giving his new favorite creature a scratch under the chin.

"Myyrp?" the Loth cat asked, purring at him.

"Yes Mr. Bigglesworth. We shall have all the treats when we return to my office." Palpatine grinned.

And so he collected his prize, and donated it to the rescue and adoption of the Loth cats, just as he said he would. With most of that cycling right back into his personal funds regardless in the end.

After all, the people loved his cat. Of course he was going to spend as much of the cat funds as he could manage on it.

It was only natural…

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AN:
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Kitsu: Weeeew! Foxxo got it done! Hooray for foxxo!

Now, if you'd like more faster, donate to the foxxo shrine!

https://aikoakiyoshi.carrd.co/

 

[KitsuneObsessedFreak]

Darth Bucket List 03
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"You know, I always wanted to run on Coruscant Idol," Darth Revan teased as Sidious seethed in a corner. "It would make quite a wonderful addition to the competitions I have been a part of, even if I am only participating in this one by proxy."

"You presume much," Sidious growled. "And the Coruscant Celebrity Idol competition was something that was started last week for the first time in history," he claimed. "How could you possibly have always wanted such when it wasn't even available in your time?"

"Well, technically it was Mandalore, the Voice the first time around," Revan smiled patiently. "And while I did compete in that one, and I did win, I also started a diplomatic incident by making a rival political leader look like he was inferior."

"Then why do you want me to do so?" Sidious seethed harder, knowing that Revan was only trolling by this point, and far to angry to just accept it out of hand.

"I just want to relive my glory days, without causing a diplomatic incident," Revan smiled.

"Well unfortunately for you, I know where my talents lie, and that I would never be able to sing my way through the so-called 'talent' the galaxy has to offer. Not without exposing myself for bribery and coercion."

"And why might that be?" Revan asked. "Surely you can use the force technique designed to help with such things, and sing just fine?"

"…Of kriffing course there's a force technique for singing…" Sidious uncharacteristically swore.

Such knowledge would have helped him much in his youth. He was more than a little incensed that his former Master hadn't taught it to him when he was whole, and he would never be able to do so after the incident that made him need a breathing apparatus.

Even if he was likely to have been willing to participate in singing competitions with it, the technique could have helped him mask his voice… And he was going to need such in the future.

"So, are you interested?" Revan asked with a grin.

"Just teach me the technique, Revan," Sidious growled out through clenched teeth. "I do not have the time to play petty games with you."

"Well you're certainly going to be making time," the force ghost replied. "Because you're scheduled for a remote preliminary audition, in three hours. Just enough time to get the basics down."

Sidious looked at Revan with all of his hate, before deciding it wasn't worth the hit to his reputation to back out or cancel suddenly. Who knew what Revan would do to him if he tried to avoid doing what his soul was forcibly coerced into forming a force oath in regardless? Even sealing him away that one time for a short period actively drained away his dark side potential until he let Revan back out.

While he had felt calmer for the first time in ages, it also caused him to lose his strength in the force. That was something he could not abide.

"I'm glad you're willing to listen now," Revan smirked, as though he hadn't just forced Sidious' hand. "So. Tell me. Have you ever heard of the technique 'Force Vibration'?"

"I learned it when I was young to help in vibro-blade combat, in case I had lost access to my lightsaber, why?" Sidious asked, his curiosity grating at him.

"Fortunately, if you know how to do that much, the next step is simple," Darth Revan cackled. "As Force Vibration does not care one whit what you use it on, you can use it on yourself and others as well. Even internally…"

"What are you implying?" Sidious asked, not liking where this was going one bit.

Revan poked him in the throat, "That if you want to change your vocal qualities as you speak, you need only master Force Vibration and it's use on your larynx."

And with that, he completely understood why his Former Master wouldn't teach him such a thing. After all, that relied on extreme precision and control. Something he didn't have until rather later in his life, when Plagueis was already injured beyond repair.

"…I see," Sidious hummed, trying to get a feeling for how it would work without causing himself to die terribly.

"Trust the force, Sidious," Revan chuckled. "It knows your body better than you do, so it would be a waste of effort to force it."

"That sounds like a Jedi's methods," Sidious claimed suspiciously.

"Of course. But a when you use Jedi technique used for genuine evil, such as to ensnare the minds of the younger generation with your voice, and capture their hearts, can you truly call it a Jedi technique anymore?"

Gears started to turn in Darth Sidious' mind. Truly, this followed the same logic as Sith Lightning. The only true difference from Force Lightning, or Ionization as some called it, was in who was performing the application of the lightning, and what it was targeting.

"I suppose not," Sidious replied.

"Good," Revan smiled. "Now get practicing."

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After the preliminary and secondary auditions, the judges were quite impressed with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.

Apparently he simply wanted to participate, and inspire a bit of youthful passion in the people with old Mandalorian love songs that would help foster good relations with the people of Mandalore. With such a thing being quite a fun sentiment, and the fact that he was going to donate all his winnings to the New Mandalorian Orphans Fund, he was quite a popular contestant among the people so far.

He had a voice that was charming, charismatic, and dare they say dangerous at times, singing from the heart songs that had faded into ancient history, and proving once more that Chancellor Palpatine was and would always be, the best Chancellor the Republic had ever seen.

And honestly, the memes would be hilarious for a very, very long time.

Seriously. It was glorious.

Suffice to say, while he didn't win, he got an honorary prize of a hat that said "Galaxies Biggest Troll" from a Mandalorian child.

The Judges were still convinced that this was entirely what convinced him to adopt three Mandalorian Orphans, including that one, and donate quite the sum to the orphanage.

Well, it certainly helped make stronger ties within the republic, and as far as the public was concerned, that was enough for them.

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AN:
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Kitsu: I don't have a lot of words with Invisible per month, so I tried to keep it as short as possible, while still delivering the meme content.

I'm sure I could have gotten into more depth there, but like, I'm getting 300 some words a month bruh, and he's not got infinite cash. So unless people want to send more for this story on his behalf, chapters will be short, punchy, and meme-filled from now on. And of course, there will be long breaks between them.

At least until major sales.

TheInvisibleNone: Pragmatically speaking I don't like holding back either, but I got other stuff on the back burner that's finally moving forward, so shuffling around my money isn't exactly practical at the moment. That said while there's something to be said about 20-page chapters about the finer details of getting Darth Sidious to sing the Beach Boys via puppet-based remix, it probably wouldn't work anyway with the sheer meme density of the series.

Kitsu: Indeed! This series is pure meme.

Anyways, if you liked this story, and wish to submit meme bucket list ideas, contact us on Discord or Fluxer!

Links here:

Kitsu's Foxxo Shrine: https://aikoakyoshi.carrd.co/