Don't Blame The Foxy Waifu

[BookDragon]

Don't Blame the Foxy Waifu


An original setting with unoriginal characters thrown in because shenanigans.


Disclaimer:


This is strictly crack, so please don't take it too seriously. This is very much a 'yes Hans, we are the baddies' sort of fic. There will be lewds, cursed food, a lot of drug use and probably glorification of drug use, kinda gory/ extreme deaths, glorification of war, abuse, and all that stuff. Some POV characters may hold distinctly disgusting views that we, the writers disagree with. The country that the protagonists occupy is essentially WW2 Japan meets WW2 Germany, but anime-ified. So expect some fucky shit, I guess? If you're easily upset or have particular tastes in humor, or dislike Surströmming, we kindly suggest you not read this. Content warning for 'Authentic' Japanemy cuisine, I guess. We may all be going to hell for allowing this to exist.
​

A wheezing cough wracked the lungs of one Emperor Konoe. His red and black hair — proof of his lineage — was slick with sweat.

Reaching out a weak arm, he rested in on one of his wife's voluminous fluffy tails. "Haaa, haaa," he panted, "Tamamo, my love. Please, get me some more tea…"

"Anything for you, Goshujin-sama…" the kitsune claimed, her eyes filled with tears for him as she made her way from his side to get him more of the medicated tea he needed to push through this foul sickness.

It was not a kind time for the Land of the Rising Sun. Sickness had taken hold of the imperial capital, thanks to a foreign visitor to the castle. One from a land known only as the Eagle Union, who had been sniffling and sick since his time in the Imperial Court of the Draconic Empire to the west.

Tamamo had been preparing traditional medicine for him since then, treating his sickness with herbs taken from her magnificent private gardens. The sweet, minty herb was good for clearing up harmful bacteria in the body, as it was a form of anti-biotic plant she had specifically cultivated for the sake of medicine.

Of course, she had been given scrutiny by his aide, Doctor Stylish, who claimed that such traditional medicines were simply poisons that had been altered to target the bodily functions more directly. As he had no proof of such accusations, he was largely ignored by Emperor Konoe, who was quite satisfied with his wife's ability to do medicine.

As she returned with his tea, the warm liquid soothing his throat and giving him the energy needed to sit up in bed, he smiled. It seemed the worst of it was mostly over, since he was breathing much better after coughing up so much phlegm and drinking his wife's heavenly tea blend.

As he raised the cup to his lips once more to finish the tea, the door burst open, and Doctor Stylish rushed in, slapping it from his hands with his guards in tow. "Aha! I have exposed the evil fox's schemes! She has been making the Emperor weak-minded and feeble with this poisoned tea! Seize her at— gack!"

His hand had come up of its own free will, clasping around the doctor's throat as he sat in the bed, slowly rising to his feet. "You dare make such accusations of my wife?" he asked, motioning to the crying kitsune in the corner surrounded by his guards. "Release her at once, or face the wrath of Amaterasu."

Needless to say, the guards dropped her immediately. It wasn't every day he got as angry as he just had there, and he was burning through energy fast.

"Take this fraud to the prisons immediately!" he roared, "Or in the name of my ancestors, I will find you, and I will crush your heads myself!"

"Yes, Milord!" they saluted, dragging Doctor Stylish from the room in a hurry.

Of course, he was going to have to make an announcement immediately, lest his followers get some form of idea. "Come, my love. We shall cleanse ourselves and make our announcement post-haste."

"…Thank you, Goshujin-sama," Tamamo sniffled, weeping openly at very nearly having a terrible experience.

"Think nothing of it," he grinned tiredly, "for it is a man's duty to protect his wife."

"Then as your wife, I shall be the one to ensure your wellbeing," Tamamo decided, picking him up and carrying him down to the baths with him close to her chest.

The servants whispered, the staff muttered, and he smiled, kissing his wife on the whiskered cheek. She was his adorable fox wife, and no one was going to take her from him.

Especially not some crackpot doctor who couldn't even cure SARS cough, with all of the medical and magical knowledge of a nation at his disposal. Something that most other nations were already done with.

After a short, but no less luxurious bath with his wife, he was dressed in his formal robes and made his way with his beautiful pink-haired fox to the throne room, whereupon he called for a formal meeting to be had immediately. Something he noticed was that it took quite some time for his court to arrive, likely due to them being much sicker than he was. He would have medicine distributed to them as soon as this was over.

As soon as everyone who could make it was called in, he called for them to silence their muttering. And then he began to speak.

"For far too long we have eschewed traditional magical medicine at the cost of many lives, allowing sickness to spread at the behest of one Doctor Stylish. He will no longer be my aide, and I will be asking my wife to distribute some of her precious herbal medicine to help aid in your recoveries, and the health of your people," he told them, strange whispers reaching his ears from them as he spoke.

Rasing a hand to show that he was indeed feeling better, his arm steady as he motioned for their patience, he continued. "I know my father may have claimed that we need to pursue modern medicine, and I still trust him on that!" he stated with assurance, "But Doctor Stylish is a fool, unwilling to do his due diligence and research things that have been used for generations, and ask why this is so. Thus, he will be stripped of his positions, and we will appoint a new Aide and Chief Medical Advisor in the coming months."

The murmurs seemed to settle. "On top of this, the fool of a man attempted to assault my wife, my beautiful divine kitsune wife, granted to me by the grace of Amaterasu herself, in an attempt to seize power!" he growled, showing nothing but contempt for the man. "He will be investigated thoroughly, and his assets seized until we decide what is to be done with him. Though I personally prefer the term, choosing the method of execution."

One of his vassals rubbed his beard, nodding to his words. "If I may speak freely, Emperor Konoe…" he asked, his voice calm and collected.

"You may," the Emperor grinned.

This man was Konfuscious. A kitsune lord taught the ways of Confucianism by the original Confucious back in the early days of the Draconic Empire.

He was a long time friend, and quite possibly the smartest man alive. Which was why he generally took the man's criticism to heart, and never took it personally.

"It's about damn time you kicked him from his position, my friend," he told Emperor Konoe bluntly, "I was considering coming to remove him myself for your sake, but it would have most definitely only cemented his position further."

"I appreciate this, Konfuscious," the Emperor sighed, nodding to the man. "Your wisdom has been noted for years now… it's a shame you never wanted the position yourself."

"You know me well, your majesty," he smiled softly. "The power would get to my head, and I would become arrogant. Better to simply be the scribe and work in your libraries instead, ensuring future generations can learn and grow from our mistakes."

"Bah, you just want to read smut in the library and create poetry based on it," Emperor Konoe laughed. "But I understand, and I'm glad you found a job in which you truly enjoy."

The rest of the meeting passed much the same, as the rest of his vassals plotted and schemed behind the scenes, others would no doubt keep them in check, for the sake of acquiring the upper hand. Something he made use of frequently.

Until, that was, a messenger ran into the room in a panic, holding a communication scroll.

"Your Imperial Majesty! There has been a message from Esdeath, she's attacked the Harbor of Pearls with her wife, Kii, and a few of the other shipgirls!" the haggard foxboy claimed, panting and wheezing.

"By the Kami! Esdeath what have you done!" the Emperor yelled in a panic.

"Milord! I have assaulted the enemy who dares bring sickness to our lands! We will do glorious battle in your name!" she roared over the communication scroll.

He closed his eyes in exasperation. "Then there is no stopping you is there," he groaned. "Fine, but if you do not succeed, we will claim we had nothing to do with your actions, and that you were completely out of line."

"Hahaha, when have I ever failed you, my Emperor!" she cackled, before the connection was severed.

"That damn Esdeath!" he groaned. "Prepare our nation to be assaulted by the largest nation in the world, and reach out to our allies in the South East Asian alliance, and the Australians, in the hopes that at least some of them can help us in case this blows up in our faces."

Tanya, a young blonde woman with the most piercing blue eyes nodded. "At once, my Emperor. I'll inform you of my progress."

"Thank you," he grunted. "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to act as a counter to her bullshit."

"I'm sure you'd manage," she smiled viciously, "Just not as efficiently."

"I'm glad to see you have faith in me," Emperor Konoe grinned.

He enjoyed watching the General cringe at that statement, and laughed a little. It was fun messing with her.

"I'll see to it that the aerial mages are up to snuff while Esdeath wreaks havoc in the seas," she told him with a smirk. "And while I do this, I'll inform our allies of the rising tides and ask for their assistance."

"Very good Tanya," Emperor Konoe nodded. "Then off you go."

She turned on her heels and left the room, leaving only a few people to discuss what would be done. "And now, we prepare for wartime economy, just in case."

~~~~
​

Fg2: New story with political games, war and idiot doctors! Add in fluffy waifu and super efficient tanya doing tanya things!

Kitsu: Indeed. There will be many references to basically everything. The world map will be different. And the rice Balkans will maybe be less hostile to each other in my timeline.

Fg2: We will probably be having a map edited/drawn up for this world so that will be interesting.

Kitsu: Welp, I guess we'll see how this story goes in the long run. Gonna have to wait for Fungame2 to get his hands on Captain Marvel for the other fic, because of a section involving her. Which is unfortunate.

I will be forcing him to watch it with me, because fuck watching that alone.

Anyway, plz do feed the foxxo. Foxxo is humgry for commission money because I have a shit ton of expenses this month, and not a lot of money to run with atm.

Might even have to ask one of my commissioners to buy me lunch, because it seems that the money I put on my credit card via bill payment is taking longer than it should to arrive.

Anyway, thanks for reading, check out my website: https://aikoakiyoshi.carrd.co/ and stay fluffy!

 

[BookDragon]

Don't Blame the Foxy Waifu 02:


Tanya be Tanyaing.
​

"Commander Serebryakov, I hope you have some good news for me," Tanya commented as she made her way into the staff meeting room, ready to converse with the other Generals and the incompetent fools at the Department of Defense.

"No Ma'am, unfortunately not," she claimed, offering Tanya a cup of that heavenly coffee she made every time they met. The woman really could make even the shittiest coffee taste like something gifted from the Emperor himself. It was a talent.

The blonde woman sighed. "Must I do everything around here?" she asked, walking into the dimly lit meeting room to see the bickering old fools going over a magical map with false scrutiny, demanding more troops be stationed in their cities to keep out the potential invaders.

That's correct. Potential. They hadn't arrived, and there was no way to tell if they would or not, considering that maniac Esdeath was in the middle of fighting the only ones they had tensions with as they spoke.

"All right! Sit down, shut up, and let's talk about our options like civilized men!" she called out to them, causing all of those present to straighten up as she entered the room.

Huh, it seemed that this time she wouldn't even need to beat someone to make them listen for once. Usually she needed to crack someone's skull with a well thrown eraser before they'd get the point.

It was good for her though, because she didn't bring an eraser this time. She brought a gun.

"There will be no pointless bickering while we discuss what military assets will be going to which city, am I absolutely clear!?" she demanded of them, making her position known as she fully entered the room, closing the steel-plated adamantine doors behind her with a click.

"Yes Ma'am!" the vast majority of them replied, earning a side eye from her for those who did not respond properly.

"Then let's begin," she nodded, pointing at the map to reset it.

"As you can see, the most important core of our military, the backbone of our people, is our food production," she told them, pointing to the various places on the map where food could be farmed. "Everything else can be bought, traded for, or stolen. But food will keep morale high, and bodies strong and healthy."

She pointed to the next points of interest. "The next thing we absolutely must not lose, are our hospitals and the facilities we gather our medicine from." After a moment to point that out, she continued, "And the next most important place is the Capital City. Because if the Emperor is captured, we will have lost the War."

Those in the room grumbled a little at that, but she wouldn't have it. "If you have something you'd like to say about the Emperor, speak up. I assure you your criticism will be taken into consideration."

One man stood up, and began to shout. "The Emperor is a fraud!" he claimed. "He believes in monsters like the Kitsune more than he trusts his fellow man! Truly he must be a monster himse—"

A gunshot rang throughout the room. "Your criticism has been considered and rejected," she claimed with a beautiful smile that seemed to terrify the rest of the group.

"Now, shall we continue?"

Needless to say, not a single person criticized the emperor, not spoke out of turn for the rest of the meeting.

~~~~
​

Walking across the military base to arrive at her other meeting after a fresh change of clothes, Tanya smirked. "I do hope that the foreign ministers will be easier to deal with than our own people," she told Visha with a nod. "Because we are going to need some allies in the upcoming war."

"Are you going to be okay?" Visha asked her, the Commander doing her best not to look worried.

She had been a lot more stressed as of late… Maybe she should see about getting her best Commander some time off before the war truly started?

"I'll be fine Commander," Tanya smiled. "It is only a formality at this point. Surely nothing will go wrong here."

"That's what you said last time," Visha muttered under her breath.

Tanya pretended she couldn't hear it, for her sake. She must simply be under a lot of pressure at the moment.

Still, as Tanya opened the doors to the meeting room, she noticed that the Nobilisse faction representative had left, as had the Britannian Empire nobles, leaving only the Pizza Kingdom and Emutopia delegates left.

"Well gentlemen! I see at least the two of you have decided to stick around!" she claimed with a bright grin that caused the two of them to shudder.

"Well, I ain't exactly going to leave a long-time ally in the dirt for what was essentially a rather dumb fuck-up by a moron of an Admiral," the Emutopian delegate, Aiden Betterballs claimed with a slight grin.

His small blond cat ears twitched as he looked at her with a grin, adjusting his crocodile tooth hat as he spoke. "It would be a right shame if we lost access to all the anime your people share with us, as well as the instant ramen. People back home love that shit."

"As for us," the Pizza kingdom delegate claimed, "You are the least insufferable when it comes to food choices out of any other nation in the world, and have a high standard of quality for your manufactured goods," he claimed. "With us being essentially neighbors, we certainly need your support for our industries, so we simply cannot abandon you, even when you fuck up."

His Pizza accent was strong, but she spoke fluent Pizza herself, so she could easily make out what he was saying. Unlike the Emutopian, who was a bit thicker in accent, and made her think he was simply being unprofessional if she wasn't catching herself.

"I see we are in agreement that we shall work together going forwards then," Tanya noted with a smile.

"Yup! Now let's talk business," the Emutopian delegate grinned.

Ah yes, this was much more agreeable of a topic.

"Yes," she smiled, "lets."

~~~~
​

It was a rare day when the Emperor of all of the Land of the Rising Sun could take an afternoon nap on his glorious wife's thighs. Normally he was far too busy for such a thing!

So when the Inari Messenger came into the room and spat out a telegraph into his own lap, he was slightly disturbed at the lack of proper decorum and the appalling sense of timing.

He could forgive the creature, however, as it was incredibly cute. Headpats and treats were given as he opened the message, reading through it while his wife allowed him to continue to rest on her luscious legs.

But as he read the message, his eyes widened farther and farther, and he soon came to realize that Tanya had somehow already had diplomats within his country, ready to speak with the entire time! If this was anyone else, he might have been paranoid. But it was Tanya. She was notorious for wanting the easiest, most cushioned job she could have in the back lines where she could efficiently manage things and play her little chess games with her international opponents.

What he didn't realize was that also meant she was consistently inviting people over to the country to have talks and play with them for the sake of diplomatic talks, and that she was being very literal about actually doing as she said! Truly, he had underestimated the sheer efficiency and machine-like precision she could bring to bear in any situation. He was glad to have her as a staunch supporter and ally to his cause.

"What in the name of the Kami has she been doing in the background without reporting it?" the Emperor asked with a sigh.

"Would you like me to have her interrogated?" Tamamo asked him with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"No dear, she is simply incapable of understanding what it is she's done as no one has explained it to her," he told her with a sigh. "If we explain to her that this is not usually how things are done, and ask her to inform us properly when she brings over any foreign diplomats and write reports on what she discusses, it will solve the issue, as she will likely have already done so and simply stored the files without reporting them."

"You know her well, husband," Tamamo looked him in the eyes. "Tell me, do you fancy her?"

"No," the Emperor claimed, rubbing his fingers through her nine fluffy tails. "She is more like a troublesome little sister that I wish to keep out of the line of fire, rather than a prospective wife. She is far to dutiful to ever accept such a position, however, and she would certainly hate having to deal with court politics, so while she has been officially adopted into the family a while back…"

"You've never made it public," the wise kitsune finished for him, kissing him on the lips. "It is just like you to have backup plans for your backup plans, and having her directly connected to the Imperial lineage in such a way will be a massive boon should any of her children in the future be suitable as a marriage partner for one of our own children."

"Of course," Emperor Konoe grinned, lifting himself up to kiss her further. "But first, before we try for more children, I must entreat you to join me for a proper date before the war begins," he licked his lips. "For we may not have the time for much longer, with the way our wayward Admiral has been acting."

Tamamo closed her eyes and sighed. "Indeed, Lord Husband. Shall we allow ourselves to enjoy a night of passion and fancy together just this one time, before we walk through the pits of hell together then, Dear?"

"Yes, we shall," he declared, hissing her between the ears as they made their way from the foyer.

~~~~
​

As the two lovers sat in the VIP booths in the famous Opera House of the Rising Sun, Tamamo leaned into her husband with a small sigh, breathing in his scent. It was calming, a relaxing musk that smelled heavily of distant memories granted to her by the goddess Amaterasu herself.

On one hand, she felt almost motherly towards him, even somewhat responsible for his family line and ensuring the lineage remained strong. Yet, on the other hand, she felt as though her husband had more than earned her affection himself when he stood up to his chief medical advisor on her behalf, forcing a fate she had come to fear to fade away into oblivion as he fought his sickness off. And only with the sheer force of will needed to partially ascend to godhood, and a medicine that she had deliberately watered down because he was too weak to take it at full strength.

Had they actually checked it, it likely would have seemed as though she was trying to poison him. But poison and medicine were two sides of the same coin, and the medicine she was using on him was the type that killed viruses like he was experiencing before they could fully take hold of his body.

Tamamo was quite glad he was better, as it meant she could simply relax with him, and listen into the opera as it was being told while she watched her husband's reactions to it. She loved him so very much, and wished to share with him the tales and music she had come to care for. Of course, she knew that this Opera House was one that had told many magnificent stories in the past, from various famous writers across the world.

And the one that was playing that very night, was the first rendition of Kurofune, a grand tale of the Black Ships of America, of politics and intrigue. Something her husband could likely appreciate for what it was.

Kami above, he might even have tips for the writer to make it more accurate to its time. She knew she would provide her own if needed, but it was her husband that truly mattered in the end.

By the time the first act had finished, and they were bringing food, drink, and other concessions for people to enjoy while they set up for the next act, she looked up at his eyes and smiled. "Beloved Husband…"

"Yes Dear?" her lover, Emperor Konoe asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Shall we take this moment to enjoy ourselves while the rest of the theatre is preparing for the next act?" she asked him, tugging lightly at his belt.

"If that is what you wish to do, then who am I to say no?" he chuckled.

So she removed his belt with a lewd smile, and licked his manhood from base to tip with her tongue, enjoying the moment for what it was. Especially when he began to pat her head, and whisper about how cute she was.

Moments like these where times she was glad to be a kitsune wife. Because she doubted anyone else would have been such a perfect match for her husband's tastes.

But before he could release his seed into her mouth, the curtains drew back, and the next act began, with her redressing him and sitting back beside him with a smirk. "There will be more of that later, if you treat me well~" she giggled, kissing him on the cheek.

"Of course, my foxy wife," he grinned, and took her hand in his own, rubbing and squeezing it gently as they settled in to watch the second act.

~~~~
​

With how the night had gone thus far, Emperor Konoe was fairly certain that he was going to have a grand night awaiting him back at the palace. As it was however, he had taken Tamamo from the Orchestra to a fine restaurant and casino that his family owned to do some dancing and fine dining for the rest of the evening.

The casino was filled with people, as the soft and subtle melodies of the Great Elvish Composer Salieri eased into their minds and allowed them to relax enjoy themselves. Soon, there would be the next set of songs, a more lively and upbeat set played by a younger group of composers to instill a sense of adventure as the night went on. For now, however, it was good enough just to hold his wife in his arms and sway from side to side.

"I wish things would remain peaceful forever," Tamamo sighed, fully relaxed within his arms as he spun them gently towards a table filled with deserts of various types.

Emperor Konoe winced. "I will do my best to ensure the war ends swiftly, my dear," he whispered into her ear, licking the tip of it before blowing on it.

"Hey! Don't lick my ear~" she laughed at him, kissing him on the jaw as the music changed.

He smiled and began to pick up the pace, matching his steps to the much more lively and adventurous music that began to play. Grabbing hold of her waist, he lifted her and kissed her on the lips before setting her down to dance again.

"H-hey! No fair!" she giggled, before grabbing him with her tails and dragging him off to one of the side tables to have a seat.

"Who's the one being unfair now, hmmm?" he asked as he hung from her tails until she placed him in the chair behind her so she could sit on him.

"You know you love it, Husband," she grinned, wiggling her delicious rear on his lap. "So don't mind if I enjoy you myself a little."

"Of course," he smiled, grabbing her fluffy tails and petting them each thoroughly. "I'm going to fluff you all I want while you enjoy the food."

"Mikooooooon!" she called softly, allowing him to do as he pleased with her body.

And while this surely grabbed the attention of various spies and tabloid reporters, he didn't mind one bit. Let the world know, that he was a man who loved his wife dearly. For that was only the purest of truths.

~~~~
​

Esdeath had frozen the battlefield again, making it harder for the enemy to escape. It was a tactic that she loved, and that Kii came to enjoy herself a little as she saw how effective it was.

"Hahaha, when my massive cannons come to bear on my opponent, no one can deny the fea—" she called out to Esdeath, her eyes widening as a small and thin object pierced through the heart of her love causing all the ice water to shatter.

"What? From that range?" Kii asked, her range finders unable to fully see what was essentially a blur on the water, covered by a haze of smoke.

She turned to her Admiral, grabbing her by her shoulders and taking her below deck as she called her name. "Esdeath! Admiral Esdeath! Get a hold of yourself, you can't die here!"

Unfortunately, it seemed Esdeath was no longer among the living. Her Imperial Arm latched on to Kii, taking her as the new host while her Admiral smiled at death. It seemed that even though she had already passed on, she had one final gift to give the best battleship in the navy.

"I will make you pay for this…" she vowed to the strange for on the sea. But for now, they needed to retreat.

Their forces would be sitting ducks, as Kii had no training with the power her Admiral controlled. She would need to make it fully hers before she sortied again.

"Alright, let's get you home, for a proper burial," she sighed.

And with that, she ordered a full retreat.

~~~~


AN:
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Fg2: So we have tanya tanyaing her way through diplomacy, followed by loves battlefield and a scene from the battlefield with love and tragedy.


Kitsu: Floof is eepy. Floof has been working since 4pm the day before. It be almost 8am now.

Fg2: Yea he do be sleepily and yes we made the decision to kill off Esdeath early due to Enterprise(Lucky E) getting lucky.

Kitsu: Zzzzzzz Give money, feed foxxo, https://aikoakiyoshi.carrd.co/ …zzzzzzzzzz

 

[BookDragon]

Don't Blame the Foxy Waifu 03:
​

Emperor Konoe was filled with despair as he realized his biggest deterrent for the current age that kept the various other nations from marking his territory with their own flags, had been taken out by a goddamn arrow.

It was tragic, and horrifying, because despite her warmongering and battle hungry ways, she was the best Admiral they'd had in centuries! How was he going to find a decent replacement?

"Your Imperial Majesty, Emperor Konoe, if I may…" his friend, Konfuscious asked, rubbing his beard gently.

"You may," Emperor Konoe nodded, allowing his friend to speak.

Konfuscious waved his hand towards the world map, "I fear that if we do not retaliate soon, the other nations will decide we are weak, and begin to pick at our bordering islands. Especially our far Northern cousins, the Canuckians."

"I see," Emperor Konoe said, nodding his head once more in agreement.

"Can anyone here tell me what would be the course of action, should we wish to engage the newly renamed Burgerland in battle to show our military might as a stopgap?" Emperor Kunou asked with a curious gaze.

A monkey sitting by the Typewriter grinned. "If you know not your enemy, but know thyself, seek information on how to whoop their asses," he told the Emperor with a grin.

"Ah, quoting Son Tsu are you, Sam? Curiously, it has been quite a while since we last spoke," Emperor Konoe chuckled. "Please remove your disguise, it is rather distracting."

"When a motherfucker like me wants to visit someone big like you, I gotta put on a little costume just to get in," he told the Emperor bluntly. "You really need to change your guards, because I told them that I was the entertainment, and they just went with it. Never mind that my ass is clearly from Burgerland, and might have been here to kick your ass if I was actually on their side."

"Duly noted," the Emperor chuckled. "However, this is a formal meeting, so if you don't have anything important you wish to share, I'm sure you can wait at my private lounge and have a few drinks while you wait."

"Unfortunately, I do have some new for you," he grimaced. "Shadow Garden has found some pretty interesting shit this time, and they're going to be here shortly to deliver a message. Thought you might like a heads up before they barged in with secret knowledge they do not need to know, and start poking you for answers before they give you the details on the new President of the now named Burgerland.

"Oh? And who might this be?" Konoe asked with a small grin.

"Ronald McDonald. Man's a clown through and through, but he ain't out to make anyone happy but himself…" Sam groaned.

"Then what did he do?" Konoe asked with a deadpan expression. "It can't have been so bad that you're asking me to actually invade, can it?"

"It is," he grunted. "The man removed all the Health and Safety organizations, because they got in the way of his plans to put sawdust in the meat," Sam told him bluntly. "On top of that, if it ain't a clown, he don't want it there. So he's had people dressing up as clowns forcibly to make them seem happier to his fucked up mind"

"Fuck it, okay," Konoe finally snapped. "I understand, Kami above I swear I will lend you my aid, the gods all know you need it at this point."

"That's what I'm asking," Sam nodded. "I'll be off, don't wanna get caught here with my pants down."

"Godspeed," they all told him as he ran.

With that stated, The Major, a well-known General of the Army and the one who commanded the frontlines took the front stage. "Well, with our plan to invade solidified, I can finally say my peace…" he chuckled.

"I… love War. So much so zat I have dedicated my very life to creating plans upon plans, and training up an army of Übermensch to fight for us in ze case we ever needed zem!"

His declarations were med with wide eyes and appalled gasps. "And now that we finally have a use for zem, let us make ze plans for World Domination!"

Emperor Konoe palmed his face, but with how things were looking, it might simply be best to let this man cook.

~~~~
​

"I will kill her," Kii told her instructor through gritted teeth. "You know that I'll be using your lessons on controlling my ice to trap and crush the bitch that killed my lover, right, Haku?"

"I understand this…" Haku told her with sigh. "It is as my late master Zabuza said, sometimes, people simply need to die."

"Ain't that right," Kii said, taking a swig of the cheap wine that Esdeath liked to foist onto her at parties. "But aren't you all about capturing people alive, and shit?"

"Sometimes, death simply isn't enough of a punishment for the wrongdoings of the enemy," Haku claimed, adjusting their mask with a nod. "And sometimes, death in battle may bring them the attention and mercy of their favored gods."

They paused for a moment to let that sink in.

"And the Gods of Burgerland love that shit, right," Kii groaned. "Fucking Asgardians, more like Asswipers."

"I see you understand," Haku chuckled melodiously. "Now, shall we begin once more?"

"Let's fucking goooooo!"

~~~~
​

AN:
​

Kitsu: You can tell where I lost what I was going for and tried to pick up the pieces, due to having zero idea what the commissioner wanted, no direction, and being angry at political things going on.

I had to cut over 3k words worth of just political ranting, and change it to this.

 

[BookDragon]

Don't Blame the Foxy Waifu 04:
I Can't Stand This Motherfucker
​

If Tamamo were to be honest, she wasn't fond of General The Major. The man always smelled like rotten fish, and not in the nice, fermented way a good fish sauce did. However, the psycho did good work... mostly? Mostly. His harebrained ideas had a distressing tendency to actually work.

She didn't have to deal with the fool herself, at least not without the support of her loving husband. He was ranting about... some new project or another that he'd kept secret for the past while.

It'd been obvious the crazy bastard was funneling their top engineers and scientific minds towards some foolish endeavor or another, especially with the sheer amount of funding and military resources that'd been... simply vanishing.

"And now, Mein Furher—" the bizarrely shaped blond announced, light gleaming off his glasses in a manner he likely thought was intimidating.

Tamamo coughed.

"Ah, I mean, Your Imperial Majesty. It is time for you to see the fruit of my efforts!" The Major cried, sticking his hands up into the air dramatically.

"Just get on with it The," her husband sighed. "We have a few more Generals we need to speak with today, and not enough time."

"Introducing Projekt Wunderstrauß!" General The Major grinned malevolently. "The next frontier in military technology!"

Man, this guy sure was full of bad vibes. If it weren't for her husband's wisdom, Tamamo would wonder if they were the baddies, employing shady guys like this. Who even said things like that with a straight face?

"So... what exactly is this project Wonder Bouquet?" Tamamo asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Exactly what it says on the tin!" The Major said with an un-called-for amount of exuberance. "...It sounds less impressive in the imperial tongue," he added, petulantly.

Emperor Konoe squeezed Tamamo's thigh, and sighed. "Yes, I can imagine," he stated. "But you still haven't unveiled the blueprints or photographs or whatever it is you have on that easel of yours, so we can't exactly be impressed at something we cannot see."

The general nodded, before pulling the easel closer and unveiling blueprints, graphs, a crude drawing of a dancing... blimp-girl? And several pages of unhinged ranting in concerningly small font. "As you can see, Projekt Wunderstrauß is an armada, or how you say... Skyfleet, of armored zeppelins! They've got top on the line guns, modern bombing solutions, and even armor plating," he said, building up steam to go into finer detail about the capabilities of these new blimps.

"How is this gonna be useful? Blimps are pretty slow compared to even the most basic planes?" Tamamo asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, that is true... but they're not just bombers, Empress Tamamo. They're equipped with a full set of artillery and rockets, a full hanger bay with one flight of fighters and two flights of bombers, and a complete communications center for coordination with ground and naval forces," He paused, before grinning again. "Essentially, they're aerial aircraft carriers and command centers."

Konfuscious, on the sidelines, ran his hand through his long beard and nodded. "This may be bold of me, Your Imperial Majesty," he grinned, looking at Emperor Konoe. "But in times like these, such airships may indeed be the most strategic thing we can launch at our old enemy, the Eagle Union during their time of konfusion…" he paused. "Well, I guess they call themselves Burgerland now…"

"These things are gonna need infantry support, right?" Tamamo asked, tilting her head to the right. "I guess it depends on how many troops they can fit aboard and what sort of ground forces they're deployed alongside. I guess we could have had worse results from such a money pit."

"Yes, indeed. I'll admit that softening up a target so the ground forces can take advantage of it is probably the best use of the armada. They're not an army unto themselves, they aren't meant to be! However, there's one major issue, though I think I've found a solution to it!" General The Major announced, looking like he still had something up his sleeves even with this complication in mind.

"And that would be?" Emperor Konoe asked, eyebrow raised as he patted Tamamo on the tails.

Tamamo grinned. Ah, her dear husband was bored? Well, he did tend to find The Major's long-winded speeches about war and the weapons used to wage it quite dull. The man was a total windbag, in her estimation.

"Well, I had to... ah, drain the chocolate budget to cover materials and the costs of research and development. I am sorry, My Emperor, but it was the lesser of two evils in this situation," The Major wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead, knowing how entrenched in policy and tradition the chocolate budget was.

"…The, Buddy, my long time annoying friend," Emperor Konoe broke decorum due to how incredulous he was. "What have you done? This is a disaster waiting to happen! Please tell me you at least have some way to pacify our hundreds of millions of angry soldiers, who will no doubt be marching upon the castle in a week if they are not satisfied?"

"I have foreseen this possibility, your Imperial Majesty, which is why some of the funds went into an interesting development in field rations. I found a candy maker that, among their products, were producing a new culinary gem... Candied Surströmming!" the general said, ignoring several horrified looks shot his way. "I brought samples for everyone!"

...Surströmming? The fermented fish? Surely he meant canned instead of candied, right? Right? "You mean canned, right?" Tamamo asked, her voice cracking a little.

"No, My Empress. Candied. MINION! BRING OUT ZE SAMPLES!" the horrible, terrible little man calling himself one of their esteemed generals gestured to one of his aides.

The aide did in fact bring out cans and a can opener, slowly setting a can in front of each council member and opening them. A horrible, horrible aroma soon permeated the room.

"Amaterasu's bouncy tits, it smells like sugary rotten death!" Tamamo said, pinching her poor nose closed to avoid the fetid stench.

"Ugh," Emperor Konoe looked green. "Why do you do this to us, The? Was the Pervitin I approved for you not enough to keep you from torturing my senses yet again?"

"I wasn't responsible for this culinary wonder, my lord! I just saw the brilliance and decided to fund the acquisition of a hundred thousand tons of it for use in our soldiers' rations! As for the Pervitin... heh, you'll see,"

Tamamo gingerly sampled hers and... oh, oh gods. As a lover of canned fish and of sweets, this was an insult to her, her gods, her country, and her people. And yet...

"It's so bad, but I can't stop eating it... why can't I stop eating it... I think I'm going to evacuate my stomach contents," she whined, drinking a cup of wine to try to remove the terrible, terrible flavor from her mouth.

"Mother, please burn this stench from my mouth," Emperor Konoe whined. "It is so bad, I don't want to eat any more, but my hand keeps moving!"

"I actually quite like this," Konfuscious stated from the corner, slowly savoring a piece, sucking it and turning it over in his mouth. "I think the trick is to not crunch it immediately, and let it melt away instead."

"That is... certainly a way to eat it, yes," General The Major said, a smirk returning to his face after the poor reception of his idea had wiped it away.
Bah, shady bastard with his terrible taste probably thinks the stuff's actually good, instead of addictively terrible. She kind of wanted to have him court martialed, but if the troops reacted this way? It'd be a hard sell to her dear hubby. And the idiot was unfortunately useful. This was going to be a disaster, she just knew it. Konfuscious's ancient taste buds must have rotted away...

~~~~
​

Tanya von Degurechaff was feeling rather annoyed. In fact, she wanted to strangle that General for disposing of her chocolate budget with nothing more than a cheeky hand-written note that he needed it for a much larger project.

All of this time, she had been dealing with the fact that their supply was dwindling, that the budget was slowly being depleted and cut back as part of a series of logistical failures to obtain the product. Yet for some strange reason, it turned out that he had actually simply replaced it with a cheaper, half-baked fermented and candied fish product that a failing candy company had decided to make a massive amount of, due to their own CEO's failure to understand that they couldn't simply start producing fish sauce without the factories and permits to do so!

And to top it off, the general actually managed to convince the Emperor to allow such a thing! It was madness. Something that by all rights, looked like a plot straight from the depths of Being X's darkest machinations.

Yet even as she looked over the plans, she could see why it was never a question of if the plan would be approved, but when it would be approved. And a tactical advantage such as this was something she could make use of, no matter how stupid it looked to her.

Looking at a can on her desk, she sighed, deciding to simply bite the bullet. "Visha, we're not above our soldiers," she stated. "Even if I am recognized by the Emperor as an official Heiress, I do not believe myself above our men and women, who we have fought and bled alongside in the last war as it stands."

"Yes, General, but how exactly is that relevant at the moment?" Visha asked, looking askance at the can.

"If our soldiers are to be eating this garbage, then we too, shall eat it," Tanya stated bluntly, opening the can with her combat knife.

"General... I've eaten and enjoyed many foods other people would call weird or disgusting. This smells worse than that time we left a crate of Durian in the men's barracks locker room," Visha said, her nose twitching with revulsion.

"I understand fully," Tanya said, holding up a small, yellow candy the color of freshly infected pus. "But if we cannot stomach this ourselves, then how are we to feed this to our men with a straight face?"

"I suppose so." She grabbed one of the.. horrid fish-candies and popped it into her mouth.

Visha's teeth crunched into the candied fish, followed by thoughtful chewing. Then, she frowned as the flavor hit. A neutral expression followed that up as she chewed and swallowed, seeming to have reached some sort of mental dead end.

"It's... it's bad, but it's good, too. I want another," Visha said, reaching out for another piece of the accursed candied Surströmming.

Tanya nodded, eating one herself. It was horrible. The scent filled her nostrils, eating at her lungs as she breathed through them, leaving an acidic-yet-oily and acrid flavor in her throat.

Yet even as she washed it down with a swig of beer, she had the strange feeling that it wasn't that bad, and that she wanted a second taste. And as expected, while it was just as bad the second time, it was also something she felt she could get used to. And it made for a good beer snack, surprisingly.

It wasn't long before the two of them worked through an entire tin. They were thoroughly disgusted, and yet enthralled by its wondrous horrors. What mad alchemy had made such a thing?

"This," Tanya sighed. "It's terrible, but edible. And strangely addictive. I will agree to this."

"What are we subjecting our soldiers to?" Visha shook her head, sighing. "But... I guess so, General. Shall I tell our procurement officers that we're going to be drawing from that fool's stores of this substance? I'm not calling it candy."

"At least until we can find a source of chocolate that will keep longer, and be cheap to manufacture," Tanya grunted. "Perhaps with a candy coating, we may be able to…"

~~~~



​

There was a bit of a stir in the commissary as Kii arrived. It was natural, she supposed— she hadn't been out of her rooms much since the death of her beloved Esdeath.

"Shit, we're out of chocolate and Kii's here... this is gonna be bad!" One of the commissary workers said, adjusting his collar.

She looked around and it was true! None of the troops were eating chocolate. Instead, they were trying some strange yellowish candies that smelled awful.

"Oh god, it smells like my grandma's asshole!" One soldier said, popping some of the substance in her mouth and chewing. She made a face... and then kept chewing. And to top it off? She went back for more.

All around her, the troops were doing the same. Disgust, complaining, confusion... followed by reaching for more.

That settled it. She had to try it, to see if everyone was under some sort of spell. Especially since, as a shipgirl herself, she had to look after her crew.

She walked up to one of the commissary workers and asked for a bag of the substance, intending to try it and then throw the rest away or give it away if she didn't like it.

Experimentally, she popped a piece into her mouth. The smell of fermented fish filled her nostrils, and the flavor was oily and acidic, an acrid flavour balanced out by the sweetness of the candy. Yes, it was... perfect.

Where had this been all her life? Why had she been enough of a fool to think that chocolate was the best candy there was? She must have been a frog in the bottom of a well, to be missing such a thing.

"I must have more!" she cried out, overcome with joy. It wasn't long before she savored every piece in the bag and went in search of more. This was truly a day blessed by the goddess Amaterasu herself! What a wonderful delicacy she'd been presented with.

~~~~



​

General The Major was having an excellent time watching the chaos. He'd gone to the trouble of setting things up so that every security camera in not just the palace, but the city as a whole fed their streams here, to his private quarters. He'd spread the word of candied Surströmming and ensured it'd end up in the military rations and in the commissary's stores of goods.

"It was a failed product, but my genius turned things around. How brilliant!" He gloated.

The manufacturer had been down on his luck, nearly bankrupt, when The had found him. He'd made one simple suggestion, and the palatability of the product had improved by leaps and bounds.

They'd needed to turn to the military first, as the product still had a poor reputation with the public, but... surely, with members of the military bringing home the candy to their spouses and children, profits would soar!

"And all we had to do was add a little bit of Pervitin! It's almost like it's addictive now... ah well, not my problem," General The Major smirked.

Truly, he was utterly brilliant, and this plan had no downsides or unforeseen complications. Surely getting the populace addicted to Pervitin could only be a good thing? It was a performance enhancer, after all. Drugs were good, and this widespread addiction would serve the Empire's purposes.

~~~~


AN:



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BookDragon: I have been lizardnapped to work on this one! Ar nar! That said, I'm having fun with it.

HiddenMaster: General The Major's "candies" are among the single most cursed things I have read in fiction.

Kitsu: General The Major just really wants to sell crack to children. It's no big deal, right?

BookDragon: Technically, it's meth. Also technically, I threw up reading Kitsu's description of the candy because I started tasting it. There is no god here. Except Amaterasu and her fluffy tails, perhaps? I almost said 'there is no god but me' and I think that's my sign I got too into the major's character writing the bastard.

Kitsu: Welp, time to shill. If you want to support my addiction to stimulants, such as caffeine, and or help buy me an airfryer so I can cook food that isn't cursed, please do support me here: https://aikoakiyoshi.carrd.co/

Bookdragon: Feed da dragon pls. Many expenses ahead in a dragon's life related to food and immigration! I do enjoy doing the writey bits for people. https://dragongrimoire.carrd.co