Dragonborn [Naruto/random crap]

AN- Last time I wrote in this I was... What, 15? Been years. Still, figured I should move it over here- For archival purposes if nothing else.

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

The Dragons...

Immortal beings locked into an eternal struggle with the demons. It is said that they were allies, once. Great beings who ruled the world hand in hand. Then came the humans, beings with the power to grow even more powerful then them.

The dragons felt it was there duty to help the humans to grow and learn. The demons felt the humans would grow to powerful for their own good, and destroy the world. The dissent between the two grew to a fever pitch, sparking a war. In the end, they tore the land apart. Where once great mountains stood there were now seas. Barren wastes had replaced great forests. And the two once great races were almost lost.

The dragons diminished greatly among the years, finding fewer and fewer prospective mates. In the end, there were only five left. The remaining five were worried, for if this continued then there entire race was lost.

In desperation, a plan was made. One of there own would take on the form of a human and go to one of there cities. They would take a lover and leave an heir so that no matter what, the dragon blood would live on in the race they had died for.

The one elected was named Yvalla, the last gold dragon. The form she took had skin like porcelain, hair like spun gold, and eyes as blue as the ocean. Once she reached the selected town she looked for a suitable mate.

As she was looking, she was being watched by one of her greatest enemies, the Kyuubi no Kitsune. He had spied on the meeting and had learned the dragons plan. Quickly coming up with a counter-plan, Kyuubi grinned. He would wait until the child was born. While Yvalla was weak from childbirth, he would strike and burn the whole city down!

As time passed Yvalla grew further and further into her pregnancy. As the dragon-lady grew more and more gravid, she began to wonder if she could truly leave her child after it was born.

Then, the day the child was born, the Kyuubi attacked. Weak from childbirth, Yvalla died in the middle of the attack, right before the hokage began searching for a child to seal the demon in. He knew it was wrong, but he had to save the village.

While the staff were distracted, he slipped into the room where the newborns were kept. Taking Yvalla's child, he ran toward the battlefield. Once he reached it, he summoned Gamabunta, the toad boss. On top of the massive toad's back he began a series of hand signs to summon the shinigami and bind the Kyuubi's soul to the child.

The results were obvious, as the Kyuubi stopped in mid step and fell over, dead. As the previous hokage, Sarutobi, walked across the battle field, he saw the Yondiame lying on his back with a newborn held to his chest. Knowing imediately what it was he had done, Sarutobi rushed over to him.

Kneeling over his successors form, Sarutobi heard muffled breathing. Still alive then, but just barely.

"Old man... Saru...tobi... take... him... he... he's a... hero... tell the... people... that its... gone... boy's... a... hero..." the Yondiame wheezed out.

"What is the child's name, Arashi? Arashi?" But it was to late- The Yondiame Hokage Kazama Arashi was dead.

Sarutobi stood up, looking at the child in his arms. "What should I call you? I know... you are Naruto. I always loved it when I was a boy..."

And so it was that Naruto Uzumaki was brought into this world. Child of a dragon, container of a Demon

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

"Team 7 is Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura,"

"YES!"

"And Uchiha Sasuke."

"NOOO! Iruka sensei, why does a brilliant shinobi like myself get stuck with him?"

"Baka! The Rookie of the year is always paired with the dead last! If you weren't goofing off all the time maybe you two wouldn't have gotten paired up..." Leaving Naruto to figure that out himself, Iruka went back to telling the genins which team they were on.

Three figures were sitting in the tree outside, staring at the blond loudmouth.

"... That's her kid? He looks kinda scrawny."

"I am sure. It's the eyes, they look the same."

"Whatever..."

XXXXXXXXXX

Back inside

two hours later

Naruto stared at the door. After momentarily considering sticking a chalkboard eraser between the doors, he decided he'd do something more...Flashy. Grabbing several items from the desk, he got to work.

"Dear lord, what is he planning on doing with that?"

"... Don't wanna know, I DON'T wanna know."

"Amazing..."

Somehow Naruto had set up a set of pencil launchers with nothing but a couple empty boxes, some rubber erasers, and a length of string. After filling them with ammunition he sat between the suddenly very interested Sasuke and Sakura, who was protesting that they shouldn't be laying a trap for there teacher when the door opened.

As Kakashi dodged the rapidly flying pencils he began to think that maybe he shouldn't have given them time to prepare traps...

As the pencils rate of fire slowed Kakashi slipped in and glared at the grinning genin. "My first impression is that I absolutely LOATHE you. We meet on the rooftop."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, lets introduce ourselves. Likes, dislikes... you know the drill."

Naruto blinked. "We do?"

Kakashi bigsweated. "I see you need an example... Very well. I'm Hatake Kakashi, I like some things, I dislike others, my dreams are explicit, and my favorite animal is unimportant."

"All we learned was his name..." Sakura mumbled.

"Pinky! Your turn."

Sighing, Sakura began talking. "I'm Haruno Sakura, I like Sasuke, I hate Ino-buta, my dream is to... Never mind, my favorite animals are ferrets and weasels."

"Emo-parakeet-dude, you're up next."

Sasuke twitched repeatedly. Emo-parakeet-dude? What kind of name was that?

"My name is Sasuke... Uchiha Sasuke. I have no likes. I HATE weasels and fangirls. I do not believe in dreams, but I have an ambition. It is to kill someone."

Naruto stared. Then, "Anyone in particular, or someone in general?"

Kakashi quickly stifled his laughter as coughs, then motioned for Sasuke to continue.

After glaring at Naruto a bit more, Sasuke finished off. "My favorite animal, right? Parrots, I guess..."

"And Blondie, too."

Naruto began his introduction. "K, I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen and money, and I dislike people who judge others unfairly. My dream is to have a pile of gold to sleep on, and my favorite animal is a cat."

Kakashi thought for a moment. Wouldn't sleeping on a pile of gold be uncomfortable? Whatever... He was stuck with a fangirl, an emo parakeet, and a money-grubbing ramen lover. What was he going to do?

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

"Target Identified..."

"Permission to commence operation Lower-Epsilion B?"

"Permission granted."

The unfortunate target of the conversation cringed as a feeling of dread snuck up his spine. Making a break for it, he ran into a clearing.

Unfortunately for him, the clearing was full of Naruto clones.

"GYAAGH! Oh god, the pain!"

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Mercy!"

"Uncle! Stop! ...Please?"

After dispatching his foes, the creature broke off to his right...

Straight into the trap that had been set for him.

"Meaargh!" This was it, he was finished. They were going to send him back to HER.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Mission complete. Tora the cat has been apprehended." Kakashi grated out. The idiots who assigned mission rankings were insane... He'd had S ranks easier then that.

"Apprehended? You make it sound hard. I mean, its a CAT, for crying out loud! How hard could it be to catch some cat?" Said a secretary.

What this secretary didn't know was that Tora the cat was one of Orochimaru's experiments. Designed to look like an ordinary house cat, He was really the ultimate super-weapon. Unfortunately he hadn't been able to take his only test subject when he was kicked out of Konoha, and it was taken in by the overly affectionate wife of the Daimo, Madame Shimji.

If he had known that it had survived to spread terror among Konoha's Genin Taskforce, Orochimaru would have laughed himself to death.

But as nobody knew this, It doesn't matter.

"I want a higher rank mission! We're ninja, not illegal immigrants! ...Wait, that didn't make sense." Guess Who? "Anyway, by the law of fire country, anyone who has completed fifteen D-ranks is entitled to request a C-rank mission."

Everyone stared.

Naruto glared back. "What, I can't use big words now? Just because I dont normally?"

The other members of team 7, the Sandiame, and Iruka looked abashed. Everyone else just kept staring.

"Well, anyway," The Sandiame began, "At the moment we only have one available C-rank mission, and I dont think you'll like it... you have to guard the target from bandits and the like, and the pay is only five times an much as catching the cat."

Team 7 looked at each other. Turning in unison, they said, "We'll take it." In creepy unison.

Sarutobi shrugged. "If you want... Iruka, please get the client." Turning back to team 7, he heard the end of their conversation.

"... and then you add the fryed egg and the frozen peas to the ramen."

"Why frozen peas? Wouldn't thawed work?"

"You add them while they're frozen so they'll cool down the ramen and eggs."

"Ah... that makes sense."

Sarutobi bigsweated as he realized that Naruto had been teaching his entire team, INCLUDING KAKASHI, one of his favorite ways to make ramen. With help from a scroll that depicted the actions.

"These are the onimitsu assigned to guard me? They're just children!"

Turning to where the voice had come from Sarutobi forced a smile on his face. "Ahh, Tazuna-san. Yes, this is the group assigned to guard you. And we prefer to be called shinobi, thank you."

Tazuna spat. "They look weak... How are they supposed to protect me? I could beat them with one arm tied behind my back!"

The next few seconds was a series of blurs for Tazuna. First Naruto blurred. Then Kakashi blurred. Then the world around him blurred.

"No, no. Naruto... If you kill the client, you wont be paid. And better him then Tora, right?" came Kakashi's chiding voice. "Imagine escorting Madame Shimji and Tora... Then imagine escorting him. Much easier, right?"

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Team 7 was assembled at the front gate...

"GYAAGH! WHERE IS HE?!"

Well... almost assembled.

Sakura was raging. "Our first C-rank mission, and our sensei is LATE! NARUTO! Go find him!" CHA! Then we get a sweet romantic moment with Sasuke-Kun! Inner sakura popped off.

Tazuna looked at the two male gennin of team 7. "Are they always like this?"

"Hnn." Was the Emo-Parakeets response. Naruto's was more enlightening, though.

"Pretty much. We generally have to deal with Sakura-chans bitching while we wait for Kakashi to show up, and he's usually hours late. Want some earplugs?"

Unfortunately for our draconic hero, Sakura heard his complaint.

XXXXXXXXXX

A few minutes and one beating later-

"Yo... What the hell happened to Naruto?" Kakashi asked in surprise.

Tazuna whimpered as Sasuke responded, "A broken neck, several fractured ribs, a dislocated groin, and a bloody nose. But he's better now."

Kakashi stared. "How does a broken neck get better? I mean, even for Jonin, a broken neck is usually lethal..."

Sasuke shrugged. "Buggered if I know. Does Naruto's clan have some sort of superhuman healing bloodline or something? Cause besides the bloody nose, he's fine now."

"I don't know, but I'll look into it later." Grabbing Tazuna, Kakashi started walking towards the gate.

Bigsweating, the rest of team 7 started the trip to wave.

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto stared at the puddle in the middle of the road. "Wait a minute... Its the dry season here. It hasn't rained in a Month. So why is there a puddle in the middle of the road?"

Sasuke hesitated. He'd been about to step in the puddle. Lifting his foot even higher, he stomped on the puddle with his full strength, resulting in it turning back into two Chunin-Rank Missing-Nin.

One of them had his mask broken, a bloody nose, and a concussion. The other was very angry that his cover had been blown, so he lunged straight at the target of the mission.

Tazuna.

Fortunately for said Bridge-builder, the chunin's anger had blinded him to a small detail- the Kunai thrown at him by Naruto. A couple weeks ago this wouldn't have mattered because Naruto's aim had been terrible. However, Kakashi had been training his genin in throwing weapons for the past couple weeks, and Naruto had made exelent progress.

The Kunai went right through Gozu's jugular.

Colapsing with a spurt of blood, the chunin died. Naruto stared in shock. He hadn't meant to kill him- just to distract him so Kakashi could take care of the problem.

Walking up behind him, Kakashi clapped him on the back. "Congratulations. You just killed a Chunin-Ranked missing nin. If I were someone else I might try to console you with some bullshit about it being necessary, but... It wasn't necessary. You could have stabbed him in the leg instead, and we would have tortured him for information. Fortunately, we still have the other one- the one you killed was surpufulous. Good job, by the way- hitting a target like the jugular is fairly difficult."

Tazuna was horrified. The child in front of him was being congratulated for killing someone? Was that what it was to be a shinobi? The image of a man crucified for daring to fight back flashed in front of his eyes again, and his eyes darkened. He needed these people, whether he liked it or not.

Returning from where he questioned Meizu, Kakashi glared at Tazuna. "The prisoner claimed he was sent after you. Judging from the actions of the deceased Gozu, I believe him. Explain now, or we're going back to Konoha."

Tazuna quivered in terror. If they left then he would be killed by the next group of missing-nin sent after him!

"All right, I give," He sighed. "The bridge I'm building back home is for the trade. Wave has been targeted by Gatoh of Gatoh Trade Companies. He bought out all the shipping companies of wave, and now he charges insanely high prices for everything. The bridge is our last hope- once its built we can trade freely with other Countries. Gatoh will do anything to stop it from being built."

"I see..." Kakashi grated. "This mission is to dificult for us. Something like this would be an S-rank. Back to Konoha..."

"Wait..." said Naruto, breaking out of his reverie. "This Gatoh... He's very rich, right? Lots of money?" As Tazuna nodded slowly, Naruto grinned. "Then I have an Idea... We go with you to wave, then we go talk to Gatoh. We pretend we want to join him and his cronies, and once he turns around, we back stab him and steal all his finances. With no money he can't do anything to stop you..."

"And the profit has nothing to do with it, does it?" Sasuke smirked. "Well, I guess I could go along with it... But I want an equal share of the profits."

Sakura looked back and forth between her teammates and sensei. Taking a step towards her longtime crush she said, "If Sasuke-Kun thinks its a good idea..."

"Then the Emo-Parakeet's an idiot. But I guess I'm outvoted. Lets go." Kakashi cut in suddenly.

Team 7 didn't notice a silent presence leave to report to her master...

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

"There!"

As the rest of team 7 jumped, Naruto threw a kunai into the bushes. Running to see who he'd killed, he was somewhat dissapointed. "Ahh, It's just a rabbit..."

As Naruto was beat into the ground for 'Butchering a Poor, Defenceless Bunny', a small group convened in a tree nearby.

"He almost got you..."

"...heheHAHAHA- CHOKE "

"Be silent! He might hear us. The elder wanted us to watch, not interfere!"

"hehehe..."

"...You didn't need to choke me."

"Maybe not, but I found it quite satisfying."

XXXXXXXXXX

Back with team 7...

Kakashi twitched as he heard a whistling like the sound a kunai made, only a thousand times larger... "DUCK!" He yelled at his genin as he followed his own advice.

THWUCK

Kakashi looked up at where the sound came from. Then he twitched. The strength it would take to send a sword that size flying into a tree like that was inhuman... Oh joy, he'd probably have to fight the guy who dropped onto it himself, too...

Sometimes life sucked.

Fortunately for Kakashi, Zabuza didn't want to fight. "Sharingan Kakashi... You're quite infamous."

Kakashi twitched. Again. "It would seem you have me at a disadvantage, Mr. ?"

Zabuza Bigsweated. "You don't recognize me?"

"Afraid not. I'd think I would remember a mug like yours..."

Zabuza's sweatdrop grew to an impossible size. "Anyway... My aprentice overheard your little plan to take care of Gatoh... Normally, I would try to kill you now. However, while I was waiting for her to report back to me, I overheard a conversation of my own... Apparently Gatoh has a policy for the missing-nin he hires. After they've fulfilled there end of the bargain, he kills them. Generally it's something subtle... A poisoned wine, or something of the sort. One of his more intelligent cronies figured it out, and started gossiping where I could hear him. So I have a deal... You let me in on this plot of yours, equal share and all. I bring you right to Gatoh- his only guards are some poorly trained samurai."

Kakashi nodded. "That makes sense... I've got a question, though. What's stopping us from killing you and finding Gatoh's hideout ourselves?"

Zabuza started chuckling. "Simple really... First, you would have to kill me and my apprentice. Then you would have to actually find Gatoh's lair, which is, by the way, very well hidden."

Kakashi nodded. "You're in. You're apprentice, to." Turning around, he looked at his gennin squad, to see why they hadn't taken part in the conversation. Sakura's reason was obvious- she was making notes in a book labeled 'Hostile Negotiations'. Naruto and Sasuke actually seemed to be in a conversation, which was surprising considering how often the Emo-Parakeet talked.

"And that's why I don't like Sakura anymore- She's way to violent!" Naruto said, nodding.

"I'm not surprised," Sasuke began. "She broke your neck, shattered your ribs, and dislocated your groin. Again. You would have to be a masochist to like her anymore."

Sweatdropping, Kakashi turned back to Zabuza. "Anyway... If you would call out your apprentice, we could introduce ourselves to each other. Unless you would prefer to go the name of Mummy-Dude, of course."

Zabuza twitched as he signaled out Haku. Mummy-Dude? What kind of nickname was that? He was the Demon of the Mists, Dammit!

Tazuna lay off to the side, forgotten as he lay passed out in a puddle of his own excrement.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Zabuza twitched. 'Introductions? How the hell am I supposed to do this? I'm good at killing people, not talking to them!' Then an Idea formed in his head. Passing out Bingo Books, he said, "Momuchi Zabuza. Page 1674."

Naruto looked at the book, Then back at Zabuza. "100,000,000 ryo reward on head..." His hand inched toward the kunai pouch at his side.

"Stop it Naruto. You don't kill allies for money. It goes against the code..."

Naruto hissed. "Hang the code! There more like guidelines anyway!"

"...And he could kill you without thinking about it." Kakashi finished.

Naruto blinked and looked at the book again. "Huh... I guess he could, Couldn't he? Sorry Zabu-Chan."

Zabuza fumed as Haku broke into giggles. Zabu-Chan!?! How dare that child make his name sound cute?!

As team 7 finished reading Zabuza's page in the bingo books, Kakashi turned his eye toward Haku. "And what of her? She looks about the age of my genin. She you're kid or something?"

"No, she Isn't." Zabuza growled. "Haku, Introduce yourself."

As Haku introduced herself, The three beings watching began consulting with each other.

"This could be interesting..."

"What are you referring to?"

"... Indeed, what are you saying?"

"Can you not feel it? She is from the clan that formed a blood bond with the Cold-Drakes..."

The other two's eyes snapped to Haku's form with interest.

"... Is she now?"

"You were right... This will be interesting. We should report this to the elder."

"What of what they are doing? We should watch..."

"... No, Ignaciel. Herceus is right."

"But, Tyrsala..." Ignaciel pouted.

"But me no Buts, Ignaciel! You're only 367, what do you know?" Herceus snarled.

Tyrsala sighed. "... Herceus, If he wants to watch them so bad, let him. If you don't, he'll whine the whole way back anyway."

As his elders unfurled their wings and flew away, Ignaciel turned back toward the mostly human crowd on the ground. "And they wanted me to leave. Its going to be very interesting..." As he shifted, dark blue scales shimmered.

XXXXXXXXXX

As Haku finished introducing herself, team 7 sweatdropped. "So your mother was killed by your father because she had a bloodline? and you used this bloodline to kill him, and then you started wandering around until Zabuza picked you up?" Kakashi summed it up. At Haku's nod, his sweatdrop grew even larger. "... Why did it take five minutes to explain that?"

Zabuza shrugged. "It's one of her more confusing traits. Right next to how she kills every pervert she comes across. Painfully."

Kakashi's sweatdrop grew even larger as he decided to abstain from reading his Icha-Icha in front of Haku. "Anyway, lets go kill Gatoh."

XXXXXXXXXX

one hour later

outside of Gatoh's lair

"Okay, we're here." Zabuza said. "I'll take care of the Samurai. You all go ahead."

As the rest of the Shinobi slipped inside, a mist started forming...

XXXXXXXXXX

As team 7 and Haku ran down the halls toward Gatoh's room, Haku began laying out a plan to get rid of Gatoh's bodyguards. "Okay, there are two bodyguards. Naruto, I saw how you killed Gozu. Do you think you can pin them to the wall with your kunai?"

Naruto shrugged. "Probably, but my kunai aren't long enough. I'd need bigger knifes. You said your bloodline manipulated water and ice, right? Could you make me some?"

"Fine." Haku formed two long daggers out of ice. "Anyway, after Naruto pins them to the wall, Kakashi-san and Sasuke can finish them off. Then we run in and capture Gatoh."

Sasuke's brow furled. "I thought we were going to kill him?"

Haku grinned. "You want his money, right? I know were his vault is, but only he knows the combination to get in. Do any of you know Genjutsu?"

Sakura raised her hand. "Kakashi-sensei taught me a couple basic techniques. Why?"

"Use the most horrifying technique you know on Gatoh if he doesn't tell us the combination." Haku said. "Genjutsu is more useful in questioning someone then stabbing them. Stop... It's around the corner. "

Team 7 stopped. Naruto snuck around to where he could see the targets, then...

/Shing/Shing/

The two guards were pinned to the wall by their shoulder. As they opened there mouths to scream, Kakashi and Sasuke Blurred to in front of them and slit their throats.

As team 7 burst into Gatoh's room, they didn't see a reptilian head peering at them threw the windows at the end of the hall...

XXXXXXXXXX

The Elder's Cave

The Elder sat in the back of the cave, smoke trickling out of his mouth. Blowing out a large ring, he chuckled. "Yet another thing to thank the humans for... This tobbaco is marvelous, Is it not, Herceus?"

Sweatdropping, Herceus bowed. "Yes, Indeed it is Elder. But I have news of great Import pertaining to Yvalla's child."

"Do you know..." The Elder said. "I am curious... What could be important enough to disturb my nap?"

Tyrsala bowed even lower. "...Elder, the boy has encountered a member of the Fubuki clan."

The Elder dropped his pipe. "The Fubuki clan? I was told they were destroyed..."

"That's what I thought to," Said Herceus. "But obviously our information was faulty, Elder. I say we kill the liars who told us the Cold-Drakes Progeny was destroyed!"

"Calm yourself Herceus." The Elder said, "It's entirely possible our Informants were unaware of the survival of this member. Besides, if one escaped it is possible that so did others. This is an occasion for celebration, not war."

Herceus stiffened, then relaxed. "Forgive me, Elder. I am used to bringing vengeance, not celebrating good news."

"Even so, where is Ignaciel? Did he wander off again?" The Elder asked.

Tyrsala replied, "He wished to continue watching the child and his companions. We left him so he could do so, Elder."

The Elder nodded. "Yes, yes, good Idea. Go back and help him before he does something stupid like reveal himself to the child and his friends. I'm going back to sleep."

Herceus and Tyrsala looked at each other in shock. Ignaciel wouldn't do something so stupid would... No, of course he would.

They bolted towards the exit as fast as their legs could take them.

XXXXXXXXXX

Gatoh's hideout- Basement level

"Okay, the code is 72, 36, 85, 92,13. There- we're in."

Team 7, Zabuza and Haku opened the safes door and stared in with awe.

The room was full of gold Ingots.

"Okay... about 100,000 gold ingots divided six ways..." Naruto started scribbling on a little sheet of paper trying to figure it out while everyone else just stared in shock.

Except Sasuke. He was trying to figure out how they were going to carry it all.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

In the end, Team 7, Zabuza, and Haku hired a wagon to carry the gold to Konoha. Zabuza had wanted to take his gold and leave, but Haku pointed out that there was no way he could carry his gold by himself.

At the moment the majority of the group was staring into the back of the cart. Why? Because Naruto was sleeping on the gold.

"... I thought he was joking..."

"About what?" Haku asked Sasuke curiously.

Turning to face her, Sasuke explained. "He said his dream was to sleep on a pile of gold once. As I said, I had thought he was joking."

Haku had been about to explain something when Sakura blew up at Naruto... Again.

"Dammlt, WAKE THE FVCK UP NARUTO! There's no way I'm going to let you sleep while I do all the work!"

Several minutes of gratuitous violence later-

Sasuke groaned as he checked Naruto's injuries. "You broke his neck again, Sakura. This is getting anoying... What if we get attacked by bandits while he's regenerating?"

Zabuza and Haku looked on in shock. "Again? That would imply she's done it before." Haku said.

Sasuke nodded. "Fortunately, she hasn't torn any major body parts off yet... I dunno if he could regenerate from that. She ruptured his bladder once though."

Zabuza and Haku stepped away from Sakura in unison.

XXXXXXXXX

Naruto woke up feeling wet. Looking up to see where the leak in the canvas was, he was suprised to see the top of a pipe from the inside.

"WHAT THE FVCK!"

Naruto jumped up, gyrating his limbs wildly. Where was he? surely his team hadn't abandoned him... thinking for a moment, Naruto cursed. "They stole my gold and dumped me in a sewer! Why those dirty, good for nothing, swine-screwing, shiteating, fatass half-squirrel BASTARDS! I'm gonna get out of this sewer, find them, and impale them on iron spikes outside my lair!

... Wait, why did I say lair? whatever... PREPARE FOR DEATH, TRAITORS!"

Naruto turned as he heard snickering from behind him. Coming face to face with a fox the size of a mountain, he stared.

"Oh, you're definitely her kid." The giant fox chuckled. "Swearing, threatening death to anyone who even touches your stuff... And such a foul mouth. I didn't believe it at first... Too ironic, to seal a demon into one of you."

"And judging by you're reference to being sealed," Naruto began, twitching, "You must be the famous lord of the Kitsune, known as Kyuubi. But I have no idea what you're talking about."

Kyuubi's chuckles grew to a roaring laughter. "BWAHAHAHA! You have no idea of your heritage? This is just to much!" Stifling his laughter, Kyuubi began explaining. "Your mother was an enemy of mine. This wouldn't be unusual, as I have made all the two legged leaches known as humans my enemies, as well as most demons. What is unusual is that your mother was neither, Dragonling."

Naruto stared at the Kyuubi for a moment. Then he broke into hysterical laughter. "Hehehe... You expect me to believe my mother was a dragon. Everyone knows dragons are just myths, you idiot."

Kyuubi looked down at Naruto and snorted. "And so was I, until I wiped out several major cities. Humans are queer creatures indeed, to deny what is in front of their very noses. You know, I figured out how they do that, once. I posed as a human and went to one of your schools of medicine. It turns out that 90 percent of a human brain is used only in forgetting things the humans don't want to know. Ironically enough, every human that figures this out forgets this immediately. The humans don't WANT to remember the dragons- Or the dept they owe to them. Your mother was one of the last, you know. The rest died trying to protect the humans from us. Join us... Kill the creatures that would dare forget the sacrifice your mother's people gave for them..."

Naruto looked at the Kyuubi for a moment, then shook his head. "If what you say is true, then doing as you suggest would betray my people. Not that I believe that crock of bull... anyone who looks can see that I am human."

Kyuubi glared at Naruto. "If you are not with us, Dragonling, then you are against us. I tried the mercy your people are so fond of... Others will not. The only reason I do not kill you now is that if you die, I die. Now... WAKE UP!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Kakashi barely noticed Naruto jumping awake gasping, or Zabuza looking shakily at Sakura. They were back at Konoha... and the Hokage would want a mission report. Kakashi groaned as he saw yet another evening of reading Itcha Itcha Paradise slip slowly over the horizon...

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

After a long and tedious legal process, Zabuza and Haku were made Konoha-nin. For some odd reason, Zabuza insisted that if they ever did a violent takeover of the Mist country, he would be selected as Supreme Dictator, though.

One small detail worth note, however, was that sense it was team 7 that brought them to konoha, Zabuza and Haku were forced to become part of team 7 because of some ancient law that nobody really cared about, but were obliged to follow.

XXXXXXXXXX

the next day

"NOOOO!"

People all over konoha turned their heads toward the scream. However, as they didn't see any ANBU rushing around, they turned back to what they were doing under the assumption that it wasn't important.

"You can't make us go after that cat again! Its suicide!" Naruto begged the Sandiame. "You know how every memory from my Kage Bunshins is transferred back to me? That cat tore my bowels out, ripped my face off and ate it! You can't possibly expect us to go after it again, can you?"

The Sandiame sweatdropped. On the one hand, Team 7 was one of the only teams who generally came back from the 'capture the kitty' mission without needing medical help. On the other hand, if he kept sending them after Tora, it was obvious they would have a major aluriophobe on there hands.

In the end, the dicision was simple. "Okay, whatever. Spend the day training, then. Kakashi! Zabuza! as they have no mission today, I assign you the mission to wear them into the dirt. The rest of you? Survive the training. Kukukukukuku..."

Kakashi blinked a couple times. "Okay... I really didn't need to know where Orochimaru got his weird laugh, but whatever."

XXXXXXXXX

training ground 4322

"Okay... If you survive this training session, I'll recommend you for the chunin exams myself!" Kakashi said. "Okay... Standard anbu training for all of you... Okay, start with 500 push ups! whoever is moving the slowest gets a taste of bullwhip!"

Naruto blinked. "But... you don't have a bullwhip!"

Kakashi screwed up his eye in thought. "You do have a point... ok, I've changed my mind! you walk on water by making little platforms of chakra beneath your feet, see? Now start doing laps of that pool over there! While me and my Kage Bunshin throw kunai at you! starting ... NOW!

XXXXXXXXXX

two hours of senseless brutality later-

"Okay, Next stage of training!" Kakashi yelled. Haku, Sasuke, and Sakura were covered in small gashes. Naruto had two dozen kunai rammed into his back. "This stage is easy, in comparison." Kakashi explained. "All you have to do is stand still while my bunshins throw various blunt objects at you."

XXXXXXXXX

Two More hours of senseless brutality later-

At this point, Sasuke, Sakura, and Haku were covered in bruises as well as cuts. All you could see of Naruto was a hand sticking out from under a giant boulder. As the boulder was lifted off him, he asked a question that had been plauging him for the past few minutes.

"Oh, God... Why? Why me?"

Kakashi smiled down at him. "Simple... you can survive it. As they say, 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' . Zabuza! You're turn."

"Finally..." Zabuza muttered. "Anyway, I have some free weights here... do bench presses until I tell you to stop."

XXXXXXXXXX

Two more hours of senseless torture later-

"You can stop now..." Zabuza said.

Sakura, Sasuke, and Haku set their 200 lb weights down. Naruto struggled to lift his two tonne weight off his throat.

"Okay, this is the last one. See those trees? Put these weights on your ankles, then start kicking them."

XXXXXXXXXX

Yet another two hours of senseless, pain filled agony-

"AAAND thats a rap. okay, you can go home now." Kakashi said.

As he struggled to get his feet free from the torture devices clamped on them, Naruto came to a realization. "Huh... all that was still better then catching Tora. Most peculiar, indeed"

Sakura and Sasuke shuddered as they realized Naruto was right. Haku hoped she never met this 'Tora' if what she went through today was easier then catching him.

Kakashi was heading towards his house when he remembered the promise he had made his genin team. How the hell was he going to get them entered in time!?!

The nearby people chose to ignore the crazy man who started cursing as he turned around and started running.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke was dreaming. Itachi was dancing with a giant lizard plushie while chanting "WOOKIEWOOKIEWOOKIEWOOKIE" on and on.

For some reason he found this very amusing.

XXXXXXXXXX

Now on to the parts of the fic with plot... Perhaps.

Kakashi looked over his genin gleefully. "Okay, I was able to get the Sandaime to agree to let you all particapate in the chunin exams on one condition... We have to get new clothes."

Sasuke, Naruto, and Haku sweatdropped as Sakura started jumping around gleefuly. "Clothes Shopping?" Naruto asked. "We have to go clothes shopping? Why?"

Kakashi sighed and started to explain. "Sandiame-sama says your clothes are Unfitting for your Stature as Shinobi of Konohagakure. Sasuke looks like an emo-fag-parakeet, Sakura looks like an underage hooker, and Naruto looks like he stole his clothes from a colorblind clown. This... Mission is to rectify that." turning and pointing at Haku, he said, "You are dressed fine though. You can leave if you want."

Haku shrugged as the other genin fumed. "I might as well go with. Frankly, if they go with only you they'll probably end up dressed up in nothing but anbu gear."

XXXXXXXXXX

As they were about to enter the clothing shop, Kakashi turned around to warn them. "Just to let you know, the person who runs this shop is somewhat... strange. Be careful about asking him for clothing advice..." Turning back around, he entered.

"Welcome to the Konoha Clothing Shop! I am Akatenshi, owner and proprietor of this store. If you need anything, just ask!" Issued from the back. Sweatdropping, Naruto decided to see just how 'weird' Akatenshi was.

"Um... Akatenshi-san, what do you think would look good on me?" Naruto asked, trying to ignore the way Kakashi was running his finger across his throat.

"Just a moment... THERE! My masterpiece is finished! BWAHAHAHAHA/choke//cough//cough/... Okay, give me a second..." A couple moments later, Akatenshi stepped around the corner. He was huge- at least 7 ft tall, and built like a bear. His hair was fairly close in color and texture to a lions mane, and he wore a formal black kimono.

In other words, the name 'Red Angel' didn't suit him at all.

"Okay, which one of you asked for my help in choosing an outfit?" Akatenshi questioned.

In response, everyone but Naruto stepped backwards twice.

"You? Huh..." Akatenshi seemed to be considering. "I've Got it! Come with me." He said while grabbing him. Then he turned and headed into the back, dragging Naruto behind him.

The remaining members of team 7 shrugged in eerie unison, and turned to pick out some clothes for themselves.

XXXXXXXXXX

Two hours later...

Team 7 finally had some new clothes.

Sasuke was wearing a dark grey battle kimono and a large conical straw hat. He had chosen the kimono for its practicality. The hat, he chose because he liked it.

Sakura had chose a red long sleeved shirt and black pants... and about two dozen other sets of clothes as well, but Kakashi made her put them back.

Now they just had to wait for Naruto to come out. Sasuke and Sakura's Imaginations were going into overdrive trying to figure out what kind of bizzare outfit Naruto was going to be wearing.

Therefore, when he stepped out, they were almost as surprised that he wasn't wearing a mass of leather straps, bunny ears and a cape made of fox tails as they were about what he was wearing.

A tight black leather vest, a bright red long sleeved shirt, black leather bracers, loose black pants, black combat boots, and a new forehead protector with a thick red silk band.

Somehow, the clothier had made Naruto look cool. And somehow, that freaked out Sasuke and Sakura more then their idea had.

Kakashi sighed. Now he had to pay for that outfit to, and it looked expensive. Fearing the worst, he asked the question. "Okay... How much is this going to cost?"

Akutenshi grinned. "Nothing at all, friend! I've been looking for someone to give this outfit to, cause I made to many in an alcohol induced fit! Point of fact, I'll throw in a couple more for free... as soon as I find some more the right size. It might take a few days, though... There's at least 1000 more back there."

Kakashi sweatdropped as he ran that threw his head. "... Exactly how much did you drink?"

"Well, five of my kegs of quintuple-distilled brandy spirits are empty, so I dare say quite a bit."

Kakashi's sweatdrop grew even larger. "... Five kegs. Quintuple-distilled. Okay..."

Kakashi walked out stiff-legged, the genin following slowly.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Fire raged around him, swirling as it seeped into his very core. It sang as it danced to his wishes, burning him clean from all sin...

With a start, Naruto woke.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, I've got the permission slips. Do you have any Idea how hard it is to get these? Its unbelievable." Kakashi ranted as he handed out the permission slips.

"Think he's stressed?" Sasuke hissed to Naruto.

Naruto shrugged. "He looks it. Dude! He's foaming at the mouth! Run!"

"GYAAHH!" Sasuke screamed. Then he paused for a second. "Wait a minute... Kakashi's always wearing that stupid mask... how could you see him foaming at the mouth? LIAR!"

As Kakashi ignored Sasuke beating the shit out of Naruto in favor of his own ranting, Haku leaned over and hissed in Zabuza's ear. "Are they all insane?"

Zabuza passed Haku a bag of popcorn. "Yes. Thats what makes this so amusing. Wheres that Sakura girl?"

Haku sweatdropped. "Well... Considering she went into a rant about how if her sensei was going to sleep in, she was too..."

Zabuza nodded sagely. "Ah, yes. The one day she sleeps in is the day her sensei arrives on time."

Haku looked at the stack of forms. "Well... There are three forms here... Either Kakashi knew, or it was random chance."

Zabuza pulled out another bag of popcorn. "I say it's random chance."

As she watched the ranting and beating, Haku was forced to agree.

XXXXXXXXXX

As they walked into the building marked for the chunin exam, Naruto, Haku, and Sasuke stopped to wonder what Sakura was doing.

Somewhere in the distance, a chain of snores was interupted by a single sneeze befor it continued.

Shrugging it off, the current team 7 walked inside. Walking up a single flight of stairs, they sweatdropped as they realized that the signs were marked for the next level.

"Okay... either we started at level 2, or this is the first test." Naruto summed it up.

Sasuke, who had been about to show how Uchihas were superior by telling the people guarding the door to call off the genjutsu, stopped in midstep as he realized how increadibly stupid that thought-track was.

As team 7 walked up the stairs, the Chunin guarding the door looked on in surprise. "Huh... first team to get it ever... Didn't look like the right girl, but whatever."

Hyuuga Neji, the only one to hear that whisper, realized what the problem was and grabbed his two teammates, dragging them upstairs.

Then another idiot came upstairs, looked around and anounced, "Drop the illusion! Do you think we're stupid or something?"

Kotetsu slapped himself on the face as Izumo muttered, "Yes, we bloody well do."

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

"SASUKE!" Ino squeeled as she rocket-glomped everyones favorite Emo-Parakeet, knocking him out of his seat. "I see Forehead-Girl hasn't killed you so noone else can have you yet... speaking of wich, where is she?" She asked, never realizing what she just said had frozen Sasuke in place.

Sasuke's Thought prosses-

Sakura ran up to Sasuke. "Sasuke, do you want to go out for dinner?"

Sasuke grunted. "I'm not going out with you, ever."

Suddenly, Sakura sprouted demon horns. "If I cannot have you... Then noone can! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" She cackled as she began ponding him with a giant pink mallet with spikes. What made it even more disturbing was the flowers and hearts doodled on it. "BWAHAHAHA!"

End Sasuke thought prosses.

Sasuke shuddered convulsivly. Maybe he should go out with her instead.

Sasuke thought prosses 2-

Sasuke jumped out of the bushes to confront Itachi. "ANIKI! Because of you, I've seen HELL! Prepare to DIE!"

Itachi looked at Sasuke coldly. "Foolish little brother... What makes you think you can beat me?"

"Because we're helping!" Three very very young voices shouted out in unision. "We will help Oto-san defeat our evil uncle!"

As the three children jumped out of the bushes, Itachi looked at them for a minute before breaking into histerical laughter. "Pink Haired Uchiha Girls! HEHAHAHAHA!"

The three young Uchihas deathglared at their uncle. "WE'RE BOYS!"

Itachi started laughing so hard his heart had a massive failure, killing him.

End Sasuke thought prosses 2.

Sasukes shudders grew even worse. No, that definately was not an option.

As soon as he noticed everyone staring at him, Sasuke stopped shuddering. Using his trademarked Uchiha Death-Glare, he growled out, "What?"

Immediately everyone had something else to do.

Turning to Ino, Sasuke shrugged. "Sakura is... sick. We had to get a replacement Kunoichi for the test."

Shikamaru blinked a few times. "Thats allowed?"

Sasuke shrugged. "If you have money, anything is allowed."

"EVERYONE, SHUT UP! I am your proctor, Morino Ibiki. You see that bucket next to the wall? Draw a number from it, then sit at the corrisponding desk. Any goofing off is prohibited!"

Naruto turned to see the person shouting. Ibiki was a tall man with a horribly scarred face, wearing a huge trenchcoat.

"Oh, great..." He muttered. "Now we've got a Scarface, too."

Ibiki twitched. Oh, He was going to enjoy torturing this group...

XXXXXXXXXX

Orochimaru chuckled darkly. To think he had been planing on using a rippoff of the Yamanaka clan techniques to become some kind of parisite leeching off humanity! This necromancy stuff was far more usefull. And the greatest achievement of necromancy was this 'Lich'! A far more effective way to become immortal then that stupid jutsu to take over someones body, he'd dare say!

Now he'd just need to find a test subject to make sure his modifications worked as intended. After all, who would want to spend eternity as an ugly husk? And of course, turning his entire village into ghouls made a certain deficit in test subjects.

Which was why he was sitting in a tree in the forest of death, waiting for a group of genin to come by.

"... I knew coming early was a bad idea."

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

In the end, Naruto had slept through the first exam. It wasn't his fualt- the whole written test thing was so boring. Haku ended up using her bloodline to manipulate ink into the proper forms on his test sheet.

"Now for the last question... Does everyone wish to take it?" Ibiki asked, his grin morphed into a hideous grimace by his scars.

"Why shouldn't we?" asked the some idiot who had anounced the prescense of a genjutsu on the second floor. "Its not like we have anything to loose."

Ibiki's grimace grew even larger. "No, of course not... as long as you count the chance to promote to chunin nothing. If you answer the question wrong, you will never become chunin..."

"Thats not fair!" shouted a genin somewhere in the back. "There are genin who have been here before! They aren't stuck!"

"Quite so, quite so... unfortunately for you, I am proctor this year. In here, my word is law. If you do not wish to take the question, then say so. You will be escorted out by one of my helpers." Ibiki grinned. These genin were all idiots...the only ones who would pass would be the ones who were arrogant enough to think they could not possibly lose, and maybe one or two who understood the point of this lesson.

Most of the genin filed out. 14 teams remained- 42 genin total. Ibiki sighed- he'd been loosing his touch lately. Maybe because all he was allowed to do was use some slight psycological torture on the test takers. Ah, well...

"Great, you all pass. Dont bother asking- figure it out by yourselves. 3...2...1."

The window broke open as a cloth bundle shot threw. As it unraveled, four kunai pinned it into the wall. With shock, the genins stared at it. Just a blank peice of cloth.

Ibiki slapped his forehead. "Anko... Its backwards. Again. Maybe you should find some other way to introduce yourself than to break a window?"

In response, another bundle was flung threw the window. This time the kunai pinned it in the right way, though.

Jumping threw the window, Anko landed gracefully as a hunting cat.

Right in the middle of the broken glass. And she'd forgotten to put shoes on.

"IIIEEEE! My poor, poor feet..."

The genin stared. This was their next proctor? she didn't make a very good first impression...

XXXXXXXXXX

Orochimaru started twitching. Sure, he had to come early to get into the forest before the guards started patroling. But it was still very boring to sit in a tree for hours on end...

Wait a minute... why didn't he just use a civilian? surely they would be easier to dispose of then a undead shinobi...

Orochimaru started cursing at himself. There would be patrols of Anbu around the forest now to... No choice but to go threw with it now.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Welcome to the forest of death, destruction, maiming, and butchery, area 44. Afectionately called the Forest of Death by everyone who has been through it and survived." Anko anounced at the front of the forest.

"It would be much more intimadating if she hadn't screwed up her introduction so badly..." Sasuke hissed at Naruto.

Naruto nodded a couple of times. "Quite so, quite so... I just wish I had been awake at the time."

/shwick//shwick/

Naruto and Sasuke blinked a couple of times and lifted their hands to their cheeks. A pair of twin gashes right under their cheekbones marked where Anko's kunai had cut them. As they watched Anko lick the blood of the kunai, their mental images of her switched from 'Klutzy test proctor' to 'Dangerous, Psychotic test proctor'.

Needless to say, they didn't make any more comments about her being unimtimadating.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Orochimaru was not a patient man. This fault was rather small when compared to his snake fetish and apperent pedophilia, but it was what would be his undoing in the end.

That and the fact that he really needed to go to the bathroom.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke shivered. "Does anyone else get the feeling that someone is lying in wait for you? That as soon as you're in his sights your life is as good as forfiet?"

Naruto and Haku looked at each other. "No."

Sasuke nodded. "Ah, good. It must have been my imagination... I really need to stop buying my mushrooms from that one vendor..."

Naruto and Haku sweatdropped before continuing on.

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto looked at the clearing ahead with no small amount of paranoia. Why was it a circle? That couldn't be natural...

"Kukukukuku..."

Team 7 bigsweated. Who the hell laughed like that?

Pulsating black runes formed in the middle of the strange clearing. Forming into a circle, the runes drew lines betwen themselves creating an octagram.

"Kukukuku...Kyahahahaha!"

The octagram burst in a flash of darkness. After it had cleared a tall, vaugely reptilian man stood where the runes had been.

Orochimaru grinned. "Hello, genin."

Team 7 looked at each other. Then Orochimaru, and back again.

Naruto looked up. "You know, if we all ran then we could fight whatever that is somewhere of our choice..."

Sasuke considered that for a miniute before nodding. "Anyone who falls behind, is left behind."

Orochimaru stared at the dust trail before shrugging. "At least now I have someone to follow. But first... I have to take a leak."

XXXXXXXXXX

Team 7 stood panting next to a river. Haku shook her head. "Okay, do we have a plan?"

Naruto and Sasuke shook their heads.

Haku sighed. "Ok... Naruto, set up some traps for snakeface. I'll hide in the water so I'll be near to my best weapon. Sasuke? I'm sorry, but you're bait."

Sasuke paled. "No! You can't do this to me!"

Naruto patted Sasuke on the back. "Y'know, sorry and all that, but... Better you than me."

Sasuke broke down in tears.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

By the time Orochimaru caught up with Team 7, the entire area was rigged to cut, maim, and dismember anyone who came within fifty feet of Sasuke.

Naturaly, Orochimaru stopped fifty-two feet away from him.

"Ch'kuso, ch'kuso, ch'kuso..." Naruto chanted angrily. He had wanted to see how the buzzsaw pendulum worked out with kunai launching attatchments.

Orochimaru made a complicated jesture with his... Tounge? And launched an orb of sparkling blackness at Sasuke, who collapsed in overwhelming agony.

Orochimaru turned to leave, never noticing Naruto sneaking up on him with a kunai.

"Konoha's most sacred and feared taijutsu! Sennin Giroshi!"

"Gyaaaaaaaa..."

Naruto turned around in anger. Now he had to dissasemble all those traps! If only the stupid bastard had gone another three feet... Was that a book? Couldn't the snake bastard have dropped a scroll or something instead?

Then a group of Iwa-nin walked into the blast zone, unaware of the danger they were in...

XXXXXXXXXX

"Aaaaaaah!"

The sand siblings turned to see who was stupid enough to try to get the drop on them. They had already killed a group of Ame-nin, so they didn't need a scroll, but...

"More blood... I want more BLOOD!"

Poor Orochi-Baka...

XXXXXXXXXX

Haku shook her head at Naruto. "How, exactly, did you think a scroll was going to survive that? First your traps cut them into dog food, then the remnants were burned, blown up, and smashed! How did you get all those traps, anyway?"

Naruto stopped to think. "Huh... I picked up this bag up from a little shop once. The owner told me it had all the traps I would ever be able to use, right? And even though it seems a little strange, it never runs out of traps! Or pranking supplies! I had kinda stopped thinking about it though..."

Sasuke bigsweated. "So you have an endless bag of traps? Why am I not suprised..."

Haku sighed. "Okay, next time you set up a trap, don't go so overkill. What if we were on an assasination mission and had to bring our targets head back to prove we had killed him? We wouldn't get paid if you did this!"

Naruto sighed. "Fine, no more traps that go on for five minutes and reduce whoever gets caught in them into a grey smear on the ground. Anyway, lets find an earth scroll."

XXXXXXXXXX

Orochimaru sat up, clutching his head. Sennin Giroshi? Who the hell had thought up something like that?

"Ah... you're up. Good."

Orochimaru looked around to see who was talking to him. He was... in the desert? Surely an Ass-poke couldn't have sent him that far!

The voice sighed, before a person materialized out of sand. "You're dead. My nephew killed you."

Orochimaru stared at the person. "Dead? But... how are we talking then, for one? And I still feel alive, too!"

Yashamaru sighed. "The souls of everyone killed by Garra are bound to his sand. Its not so bad as it could be, though... There's a nice Oasis where the Kunoichi he's killed bathe, for one..."

Orochimaru shook his head frantically. "Thats not it! I... Did you say bathing kunoichi?"

Yashamaru nodded. "This way... remember, be very quiet! The kunoichi is a overly agressive creature... If one feels you are invading her privacy, they'll all swarm you!"

And thus did Orochimaru get turned into a normal pervert, as oppsed to a pedophallic gay pervert...

Although the kunoichi didn't think it was an improvement.

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto and Haku stared at Sasuke's handiwork. Then Naruto brought up the question they were both thinking.

"Why crucifiction? It seems a bit overly dramatic, doesn't it?"

Sasuke stopped rummaging around his victims pockets long enough to think about that. "I dunno... Seemed like the proper way to kill them at the time. Why, you got a problem with it?"

Naruto shook his head. "Not really... exept that they're still alive."

Sasuke stopped rummaging long enough to see if Naruto was right. When it turned out he was, Sasuke fixed that problem. With a kunai.

Naruto bigsweated. "You could have just cut their throats... Ripping out hearts is probably unsanitary."

Sasuke deathglared at Naruto. "Right, like you're one to talk 'I only burned them to ash and ground them to dust'-san."

Naruto shrugged. "You have a point... found the scroll yet?"

"No I- Nevermind, I got it!"

Haku bigsweated at the argument. Then she pulled out a bag of popcorn and settled in to watch.

XXXXXXXXXX

Standing in the tower's base room, Team 7 was doing what they do best.

Arguing.

"Now what do we do! We have the bloody scrolls, but we don't know how to use them!"

Then the sand siblings walked in, went past them, and opened up their scrolls. After a chunin appeared and escorted them to the rooms they would stay in until the test was up, Team 7 stopped gaping and headed to the inscription on the wall. After reading it, they opened up their scrolls and waited.

XXXXXXXXXX

two hours later

/Bamph!/

"You're Late!"

Kakashi shrugged. "I was pulled into a random subuniverse by the summons. After defeating a demonic overlord for the locals, the summons realized I wasn't in the right place and pulled me here."

"Liar!"

XXXXXXXXXX

A random subuniverse

"O great Kakashi, defeater of Snorklak the Deciever, your feast is ready! Do you wish to be handfed by your immense harem of nubile maidens or would you prefer to feed yourself... Lord Kakashi?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Kakshi sighed. "Whatever you want to believe... Your rooms are this way. Follow me..."

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX
DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto stared at the room. "DOOD! This is as big as my whole house!"

Sasuke tilted his head. "Your house is that small? What did you do with all the gold we got from Gato?"

Naruto sweatdropped. "I hid it in the secret basement under my bedroom. What, did you think I'd actually spend it?"

Haku palmed her forehead. "What else do you do with gold? Eat it?"

This line of thought was inturupted when Kakashi poked his head into the room. "Hey, you all are going to miss dinner..."

Naruto snapped his head toward Kakashi. "Dinner? What is there?"

Kakashi shrugged. "It seems some of the more... eccentric jonin use this tower as a hunting lodge... They catch stuff in the forest and eat it. Today they caught a giant snake, which they say tastes like eel..."

Kakashi blinked as he realized that his genin were already gone. They must have been hungrier then he thought...

XXXXXXXXXX

At the dinner table, Sasuke and Naruto were arguing posesion of a certain book that was left by the snake sannin.

"But I was the one to beat the freak!"

"And I was the one who decided the book was worth picking up!"

"You just sat around the whole time! Do you know how hard it is to set up that many traps in twenty minuites?"

"In case you forgot, I was delagated 'bait'! Whatever the hell that jutsu was, it HURT!"

"Thats it! Rock Paper Scissors!" Naruto declared angrily.

Sasuke sneered. "Rock Paper Scissors it is, Dobe."

Everyone was so fixated on the combatents hands that only Gaara noticed Sasuke useing his sharingan. As he didn't really care, he didn't mention it.

"Hah! The book is mine, dobe. Hand it over..."

Naruto hung his head. "Ch'kuso... fine. Oh well, what are the odds it says anything usefull?"

Can you hear the universe laughing at him?

XXXXXXXXXX

That night

Sasuke's room

He didn't know how to explain it, but... After the snake-mans jutsu, he had felt different. Powerful and strong, but... weak, as if he had lost something integral to his very existance. He was sure the answer to what had happened to him would be in the book.

But did he want to know? Sasuke asked himself, looking at the book he had won. Maybe he would be better off not knowing. But then, if he didn't know what had happened to him, how would he know that he hadn't wasted an opportunity to grow stronger and defeat his brother?

Steeling himself, Sasuke opened the book.

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning when Sasuke left his room, he was troubled. The book had been on a lost art called 'Necromancy'. There had been notes scribbled in the margin here and there that noted ways to make the various creatures stronger then normal, but it was the note next to the crature called a lich that had disturbed him. It was made by the caster actually ripping his soul out and sealing it into an object so that he became immortal. The note had been musings on the possibilities of actually tearing someones soul out and sealing it back into the owner to make a lich that looked like it was still alive. The note ended with the musing that if the necromancer had a test subject, he could see if the idea worked.

The only thing that Sasuke could see as having happened was the snake-man using the spell on him. The pain could be explained as having his soul ripped out and sealed back into his body.

Looking at his hand, Sasuke mused that if he had changed, he wouldn't even be able to tell for another couple of years. The scroll had been specific in the sorceror's desire for his body to remain 'Eternally Beautiful'. Thinking back to the Orochimaru's face, Sasuke wondered haw somebody so ugly could be so narsisistic.

As he neared the mess hall, Sasuke shrugged his worry off. If he had been turned into an undead monster, he was sure the special abilities that came with the 'asention' would convince Konoha he was worth keeping around.

It wasn't like he'd turned into one of those vampire things that needed blood to survive anyway.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sakura was sleeping so soundly that she didn't notice the tall figure climbing in her window sneeze and fall on his face.

Rubbing his nose, Kabuto grimaced. "Sure... 'come with me and I'll give you the power to kill those who killed your clan' he says... then he turns me into a bloodsucker and tells me I'm one of his generals. I should have known..." Sighing, he dipped his head down to Sakura's neck.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke shivered. The very thought of a creature like that gave him the creeps. Intellegent, cunning, and powerful... He had been relieved to hear they couldn't come out in daylight unless they were well fed. After all, wouldn't he have heard of a rash of bites on peoples throats?

XXXXXXXXXX

Several kunoichi who had had a little to much to drink that previous night looked in the mirror curiously. Hickeys covered their throats, twin puncture marks in each of them.

Ninty five percent of them hoped they could figure out who they bedded last night, so they could play the guilt card if they got pregnant. The other five percent promised themselves to never get that drunk again. What good was a wild night of passion when you couldn't remember it?

XXXXXXXXXX

No, Sasuke decided, he didn't need to worry about any vampires in Konoha.

After all, how common could they be?

XXXXXXXXXX

The crypt was packed full to bursting. Several vampires moved out of the way as one of the elders sneezed.

Ichiro, one of the many vampires who preyed off the people of konoha, turned to his friend Tsuki.

"I give- we should have turned less people. But the idea of hundreds of loyal servants was too good to pass up!"

Tsuki sighed. "Thats what you get for delusions of granduer. Seriously, what good are servants if you live in a crypt?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Sitting at the breakfast table, Sasuke brushed off the sensation that he was being stupid. After all, everyone he met had said he was a genius. That many people couldn't be wrong, could they?

XXXXXXXXXX

The random subuniverse

A man with wild eyes was whipping a crowd into a frenzy. "Our great lord Kakashi-sama has been abducted from his bedchambers under our very noses! Who would have done it? Who had reason? Aliens, I say! They were seeking the secret to his power! We must find there homeworld and save Kakashi-sama!"

At the crowds resounding cheers, the mob's leader continued. "We have very little capacity for extraterrestrial travel, but we can do this! All we have to do is pool our resources and create a great ship, one big enough to carry us all! Then we will create an ecosystem on it and let it develop to the point that the trees will be able to supply us with air forever! Today we start on a trip to our lord!"

And there was much rejoicing.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke was filled with the sudden feeling the universe was laughing at him. Trying desperately to squelch it, Sasuke looked to see what was for breakfast.

Giant slices of snake meat filled the table. Sweatdropping, Sasuke lifted one on to his plate and began eating.

XXXXXXXXXX

In the end, the rookie nine, team Gaara, and a team of Iwa-nin were the only ones to make it to the tower in time.

Sarutobi chuckled. He had given the same speech he always had, but the effects were the same every time.

"Ah, to be young again. Such freedom in how to act, what to do..." The Sandiame mused, before chuckling. "I wouldn't take it for the world."

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

"First match- Uchiha Sasuke vs Akagiri no Iwa. Begin!"

Sasuke charged at his oponent quickly. Circling around Akagiri's guard, he threw a kunai at his undefended back. Akagiri jumped over the attack, forming hand seals as quickly as he could.

"Iwaton- Iron Spire!"

Sasuke lunged to the side, activating his sharingan as an iron spike ascended from the arena floor. So it was stealing the poor sods hard earned techniques... So what? They were ninja!

Akagiri used the Iron Spire again, cursing as Sasuke dodged before the technique was even finished. He was just wasting chakra. Deciding to finish it quickly, he pooled the rest of his reserves.

"Iwaton- Iron blizzard!"

The arena walls shifted before exploding into a storm of spinning shrapnell. Thinking quickly, Sasuke replaced himself with Akagiri before he was shredded apart.

Unfortunately, Akagiri wasn't so quick.

Stepping away from the bloody mess, Sasuke looked the shocked proctor in the eye.

"I win."

XXXXXXXXXX

Ino stared at what was left of Akagiri.

"Sasuke... IS SO COOL! GO SASUKE!"

Her two teammates stepped away from her in unision.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke shuddered at the echoes ringing throughout the stadium. It just figured that his brutal use of Kawarimi made his fangirl in the audience even more rabid.

Settling in a chair next to Naruto's, Sasuke asked a question that had been bugging him for a while. "Hey... how do you do that 'heal from any wound, mortal or not' thing? Is it a bloodline or something?"

Naruto tilted his head. "Huh... I don't know. I've been able to do it sense I was five, at least. Figured it out after I got blown up with an explosive tag... Lost both arms, half of my face, and my entire lower body... or at least, thats what the doctors told me. I still don't know wether to believe them or not... They were obviously drunk."

Sasuke stared, an overly large sweatdrop rolling down the back of his head. "I think if I saw you grow all that back, I'd get drunk too. Point of fact, I seriously want something to make me forget what you just said already, and I didn't even see it. How long were you in the hospital, anyway?"

Naruto shrugged. "Overnight. Which is another reason I think they lied about the damage, ya?"

Sasuke twitched as he remembered several times Naruto had healed from fatal damage in record time.

"Yeah... sure. Hey, look! Your turn to thrash someone." Sasuke said, eager to stop the tracks of their conversation. "Inuzuka... Inuzuka... Where have I heard that name before? Couldn't have been important if I don't remember it."

XXXXXXXXXX

"WHOOHO! We just lucked out, Akamaru!" Kiba grinned. "Against Naruto, there's no way we won't get into the finals!"

Naruto twitched repeatedly. "No way, huh... Then I guess I'll give you first blow, to show you how wrong you are."

Up in the stands, feirce betting was going on.

Zabuza looked Kakashi in the eye. "20,000 ryo on under five minutes."

Kakashi eye-smiled. "10,000 ryo on over."

Kuranai sweatropped. "Isn't it discouraged to bet against your student?"

Zabuza looked at Kuranai in confusion. "Why do you think we're betting against him?"

Kiba burst into laughter. "First blow? Dude, you're stupid! C'mon Akamaru, GATSUGA!" Twisting into a whirling cyclone, Kiba lunged forward towards Naruto.

And ran headfirst into the wall when Naruto sidestepped.

Clutching his broken nose, Kiba glared at Naruto. "Hey, I thought you said I could get first hit! Cheater!"

Naruto sweatdropped. "You don't get it? We're ninja. I lied. Deal with it."

Kiba's glare grew even hotter. "CHEATER! GATSUGA!"

XXXXXXXXX

15 minutes later-

"Can't... run... forever! Gatsuga!"

Naruto dodged Kiba again, reading a magazine labeled Traps Monthly- Konoha's only source of high quality traps!. Turning, he looked at Kiba as if he had just noticed he was there. "You're still here? Aren't you getting tired?"

Kiba began twitching furiously. "That... Is... IT! Akamaru, the special technique! Dynamic Marking!"

Akamaru flipped, spraying urine at Naruto, who dodged easily. Naruto peered at Kiba curiously. "You know, thats the stupidest technique I have ever heard of. Super smelly urine? Ridiculous."

Kiba glared at Naruto one last time before passing out from exaustion. Hayate stared at him before coughing. "Uh... Inuzuka Kiba is unable to continue, so the match goes to Uzumaki Naruto."

Naruto shrugged and walked upstairs.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

"Third match- Hinata vs Ino."

Ino shrugged. She had been hoping to fight Sakuras replacement so she could make sure she knew that Sasuke was taken... But beating up the shy Hyuuga heiress would impress Sasuke, wouldn't it? The Hyuuga and the Uchiha were supposed to hate each other, after all...

Hinata was busy daydreaming about beating Ino... Having Naruto profess his love for her... and a long, xxx rated scene involving her, Naruto, A dozen Naruto Bunshin, a field of flowers, and a jug of whipped cream.

Shino did his best to ignore Hinata's blushing and giggling as she walked down the stairs. He was getting better at it- she did it all the time, after all.

Once the two contestants were in the ring, Hayate coughed. "Begin!"

Hinata, who wasnt paying attention, was hit straight on with a haymaker followed up shortly by a roundhouse. Needless to say, once she got up she was very mad that she had been nocked out of her daydream. It had been just getting to the good part, too!

Hinata Leapt...

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke turned to Naruto. "Don't you think its strange that girls jump into catfights for no reason?"

Naruto shrugged without turning his eyes form the spectacle. "Kinda... good god, Hinata's giving Ino a spanking!"

Sasuke's attention was immediately recaptured. "Why, so she is... Okay, the tables have turned now! Ino just tore off Hinata's jacket and shirt, and now she's... attempting to bite her nipples off? O-kay..."

Neither inocent soul noticed the Aura Of Doom approaching behind them...

Haku's eye twitched as her two teammates slumped into an uncouncious stupor via a giant mallet made of ice.

XXXXXXXXXX

Kuranai glared at the hokage. "This is supposed to be a test of Shinobi skills, not a catfight! This match has to be stopped!"

Sandiame wiped a trickle of blood out from under his nose. "Technically, they aren't breaking any rules... But if you really want to make them stop, feel free."

Kuranai nodded and leapt into the ring. Hinata and Ino, who were now clad in one article of clothing each, turned to the intruder and leapt...

XXXXXXXXXX

Kakashi had dropped his book. "Such beautiful movements... The three, locked into a struggle never ending..."

Zabuza nodded. "Indeed, this event is beyond words. Just watching prompts a stirring in my heart..."

Anko nodded. "And loins, I'm sure. Want some popcorn?"

"Indeed." "Absolutely!"

XXXXXXXXXX

In the end, the catfight was declared a draw by Hayate, and the participants were frozen in place and carried off by an irratated Haku, who dropped them in an unocupied room. Hinata, Ino, and Kuranai looked at each others lack of dress and... Exitement... and began to continue their physical activity in a slightly different manner.

But that's not important right now. And if you think it is, then you can imagine the org... activity on your own before continuing to read this story.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Next match is Sabaku no Gaara vs Kankuro."

Kankuro looked at the ring. Then at his brother's twisted grin. Back to the ring. Que nervous shuddering.

"I-I-I Quit! Don't wanna die!"

Everyone who was present and awake sweatdropped at that comment. The sweatdrops grew larger as Gaara crushed the foot of 'Kankuro', revealing it to be Karasu.

"NOOO! That'll take forever to fix..."

Gaara's eyes narrowed. Raising one hand slowly, his sand enveloped his brother's puppet. Clenching his hand shut, he turned towards his sister, Temari.

"What was happening in that last fight?"

Temari Bigsweated. "The last fight?"

Gaara glared. "You know which one I'm talking about..."

Temari began blushing furiously. "Um... I'lltellyoulatercauseIneedtogotothebathroomrightnowsorry!" And she ran as if demons out of hell were chasing her.

Hayate blinked. "Okay... next is Temari vs Shino... Temari isn't here? Match goes to Aburame Shino... Haku vs Chouji!"

Shikamaru began to nod off as Chouji headed downstairs. Chouji would lose, but it didn't matter... They only entered the exam because Ino kept on nagging Asuma-sensei to enter them.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Haku deathglared Chouji, who glared right back. After a few miniutes of said glaring, Haku started off the fight by spitting at Chouji, and freezing the spittle into a senbon needle. Chouji stepped to the side, tripped, and started rolling. Haku stared for a moment before starting to laugh hysterically, leaving an opening for Chubby- Sorry, Chouji, to roll over her. After prying herself out of the ground, Haku started taking the fight seriously.

Chouji bounced off the wall, heading back towards Haku, who dodged. Not discouraged, Chouji responded by bouncing off another wall and rolling back at her. She dodged, and this time Chouji stopped when he hit the wall. Struggling to stand up, Chouji left himself open to Haku, who won the fight by taking a swig of water, spitting it out and freezing it into a giant needle that stuck Chouji to the wall and knocked him out.

Walking upstairs, Haku spared a look at her teammates, only to go red and pissy when she realized they had slept through her fight! Completely ignoring that she had knocked them out for displaying that yes, they were both straight, Haku woke them up with a gentle trickle of ice cold water. Much sputtering and yelling ensued.

Kakashi spared a glance toward his genin before looking back at the ring. Nara Shikamaru vs Alucard? What a strange name...

XXXXXXXXXX

Shikamaru was dreaming. He knew he was, because he had gone to sleep just moments ago.

That, however, didn't explain why he was talking to a tall, muscular black man in a trenchcoat.

Shikamaru sighed. "So, let me get this straight. You are the god of sleep, Morpheus. That much, I can understand. But why are you bugging me?"

Morpheus shrugged. "Aparently, there's going to be something big happening soon. I need an avatar to help the side of light in this war, and Loki suggested you. Do you accept?"

Shikamaru blinked, though how he could do that in his sleep was a mystery. God of sleep- Avatar of sleep- Sleep a lot. Smiling slowly, Shikamaru gave Morpheus his answer.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Come on, Shikamaru, wake up! If you dont get up soon, the proctor says you will forfiet the fight!" Naruto yelled at Shikamaru as he poked him repeatedly.

Shikamaru rolled over, muttering to himself. "Sure, fine... such a drag..."

Naruto blinked before turning to Sasuke. "What do you think he means by that?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Probably something along the lines of 'I don't give a shit', but it might mean 'Give me a miniute' too."

Naruto started thinking. "O-kay... So, either we wait hours for him to wake up, or we can throw him in the ring now and hope the landing jars him awake..."

"Option two." "Agreed."

Naruto and Sasuke hefted Shikamaru up by his arms and his legs, then began swinging him back and forth slowly. After a few seconds, the pair tossed him into the arena, looking down to where he lay on the ground.

Naruto sweatdropped. "Either the fall from this hight knocked him out..."

Sasuke nodded. "...Or he didn't even notice. Whatever."

"Shikamaru is asleep! Alucard wins!"

Alucard sweatdropped. And here he thought the chunin exams were supposed to be hard...

Sticking his hands into the oversized pockets of his trenchcoat, Alucard walked upstairs. Maybe he would get to fight the chicken headed one in the third portion... or maybe the blonde guy... Hell, the redhead with the sand gourd would be enough!

On the arena floor, Shikamaru rolled over into something pale, wet, and sticky.

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto and Sasuke aproached Kakashi.

Naruto poked Kakashi in the back, causing the Cycloptic Jounin to turn around.

Naruto grinned. "Kakashi sensei, can you train us?"

Kakashi glared at Naruto for a moment, before settling down. "Well... I can train Sasuke... But not you, Naruto."

Naruto looked thunderstruck. "But- Why not, Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi's glare returned. "YOU LOST ME 10,000 RYO, YOU ASSTARD! YOU COULD HAVE BEATEN DOGBREATH IN FIVE MINIUTES, BUT NOO, YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR FUKKING TIME ABOUT IT!"

Grabbing Sasuke by the shoulder, Kakashi walked off. Naruto huddled in on himself, muttering about asshole sensei's, when a shadow swept over him. Looking up, Naruto saw Zabuza.

Zabuza grinned, stretching out a hand to Naruto. "Don't worry, kid... I'll train you. After all, you won me 10,000 ryo!"

And there was much rejoicing.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX

DragonBorn

XXXXXXXXXX

Sakura woke up, stretched and yawned before lying back down to sleep.

/Now onto someone... er, SomeTHING that matters.../

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto and Zabuza sat, apparently in meditation. This was rather difficult, as they were on the surface of a lake.

Zabuza hummed. "Now, young minnow, We begin your training. The first step is to Meditate on what type of weapon you want. I'll be back in five hours." And, slipping into the water, Zabuza was gone.

Naruto twitched. Five hours? Did he really think it would take that long to decide what weapon he wanted? A sword, of course! Or an Axe. Sword. Axe. Sword. Axe.

Five hours later, Zabuza sat down on the beach, looking at his student, who had now progressed to muttering while sweating. Suddenly, Naruto stood up, raising his hands.

"I Cannot choose! I must have them both!"

Zabuza sweatdropped.

XXXXXXXXXX

In the Akatenshi's weapons shop, conveniently placed right next to Akatenshi's clothing shop, Naruto browsed the aisles for the perfect set of weapons. It wasn't easy. There were long swords, short swords, curved swords, straight swords, thin swords, thin swords, black swords, white swords, swords with engraving, swords without engraving and any mix of said types that could be imagined. Then the axes... They came in small, medium, large, and insanely large, with dozens of different blades and engravings.

Eventualy Naruto chose the 'Slicer' curved shortsword /Perfect for cutting tendons!/ and the 'Butcher' battleaxe /It slices! It dices! It juliannes!/, which came with a chain and bracelet atatched /So as you can throw it, then pull it back!/. Akatenshi, smiling, threw in two dozen small throwing axes for free at the sale, as well as a manual labeled 'Weapons for dummies- how to use them effectively without losing an arm and a leg'.

Guiding his sensei out /he had started drooling when he saw the selection/, Naruto smiled happily at the thought of being able to beat Sasuke with his new weapons. After all, what could Kakashi teach him that Zabuza couldn't?

XXXXXXXXXX

Kakashi looked down at his pupil. "Now, Sasuke, I am going to teach you my most powerful technique despite the fact that you probably aren't ready for it."

Sasuke sweatdropped. "Why, exactly?"

Kakashi began chuckling, which soon developed into full blown psychotic laughter. "It's simple, really. I'm doing it because I made a bet with Zabuza that I could train you better than he could train Naruto. 100,000 RYO, HERE I COME!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto and Zabuza were sitting on the lake again.

Naruto looked up at his sensei expectantly. "So how am I going to be training?"

Zabuza smiled. "It's simple, Naruto. To start with, you're going to make five Kage bunshin to read books on military tactics for one month, and go through life devoloping personalities of their own. Then you disperse them, and all the knowledge will be sent back to you. You'll probably get incredible schitsofrenia, but It's really not near so bad as the doctors make it out as. For one, you always have someone to talk to, and and altenative opinion on what you should be doing. Meanwhile, you'll be worked to the bone exersizing while constantly making more Kage bunshin to go into free-for-alls, so you get better at useing your weapons, increase your chakra capacity and control, and get ripped all at the same time! By the time I'm done with you, you'll be able to wipe out a small country's worth of jounin on your own. Now, lets get started..."

XXXXXXXXXX

Week one- Naruto

Naruto stared at Zabuza. "Let me get this straight- My exercize fot this week is to run nonstop around Konoha, while chased by fifteen of my kage bunshin, who are going to be throwing axes at me, and ten of your mizu bunshin, who are throwing Kubikiri Houcho at me for variety? ALL WEEK? With the steady, though small, drain of those other five bunshin?"

Zabuza nodded sagely. "Thats right. NOW GETTA MOVE ON!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Week one- Sasuke

Sasuke nodded. "So I'm to walk laps around the campsite to build stamina. How many a day?"

Kakashi stared into space for a moment. "Hmmm... Fifty should be enough."

XXXXXXXXXX

Week two- Naruto

Naruto sighed. He was covered in small cuts an exausted, but the cuts were sealing as he looked at the semi- eternal melee on the lakes surface. Moments later, he was fine.

Zabuza nodded. "I thought so- your healing factor heals small things to. Muscle building is actually the process of muscle getting small rips and healing stronger, so you can probably do what I'm thinking of next. I have here," Zabuza exlamed, gesturing towards a boulder, "The means of making you incredibly strong. Lie down and prepare to do a pushup. I'll strap this boulder onto your back, then you can start doing reps."

Naruto sighed again. "All week?"

Zabuza nodded. "All week."

XXXXXXXXXX

Week two- Sasuke

Sasuke looked at the strap-on weights Kakashi was handing him. Five punds each, but...

Sasuke looked up. "What do I do with theese?"

Kakashi smiled. "Now, you do a hundred laps a day, jogging, while repeating these handsigns, with these strapped to your ankles. Have Fun!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Week three- Naruto

Naruto sighed in relief as the boulder was rolled off him. His hair had grown out a bit, and now he was stocky rather than just short. His arms were thicker than most peoples legs.

Zabuza nodded. "Good, good. Now we take a thirty miniute break for cleaning and changeing clothes. Afterwords, you get to hang from a tree while doing situps. While holding the boulder."

Naruto's eye twitched. Maybe he should have just trained himself...

XXXXXXXXXX

Week three- Sasuke

Kakashi handed Sasuke his new, ten-pound ankle weights. Sasuke sighed.

Kakashi Eye-Smiled. "Two hundred laps, running, with handsigns, wearing theese. Starting to get the drift?"

Sasuke considered beating his head into a wall. This wasn't just torturous, it was boring. How could it get any worse?

XXXXXXXXXX

Week four- Naruto

Naruto smiled as he was finally let off the tree. He was starting to get the hang of this...

Zabuza smiled, revealing sharp teeth. "Go ahead and take a bath. Afterwords we're going to get your teeth filed to points, then you can practice doing flips while dodging axes, shuriken, and kunai thrown at you by your clones, and hitting the clones with your own axes, shuriken, and kunai. With your eyes closed. Yes, all week. Oh, and you can dispell the clones battleing on the lake. They're getting annoying."

XXXXXXXXXX

Week four- Sasuke

Kakashi handed Sasuke yet another set of weights. These ones were twenty pounds each.

Kakashi smiled at his students displeasure. "Do I really need to tell you? Four hundred laps, running as fast as you can, making the signs and channeling chakra to your hand. Ready, set, GO!"

Sasuke took off at an insane pace.

XXXXXXXXXX

Naruto stood in the center of the lake, his Hitai-Ate lowered over his eyes. Hearing a whistling noise, He dropped onto his back, avoiding the kunai easily. Launching himself up with one arm, he spiralled to dodge the rain of steel. Launching a handfull of his own weapons, he smiled as he heard the distinctive 'pop' of dispelled bunshin. pulling out a throwing axe, he hurled it behind him.

Clapping echoed around the clearing.

Turning around, Naruto grinned.

Zabuza grinned back, even though he knew Naruto couldn't see it. "Good job, kid. You're easily at jounin level now... Not bad for someone who is supposed to be the worst in the history of Konoha. Makes me wonder about the quality of teachers here... Still, trainings over. Take your headband off your eyes, and dispell the five bunshin you set to research tactics. Oh, and once you and yourselves are done argueing, I'll teach you Kirigakure no Jutsu... You've earned it."

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke smiled as he finished the final lap around the campsite. No more ten mile runs! Yes! Back to Konoha, where he could soak in his big bath for hours. Yes... Soaking...

Kakashi popped his head out of the tent. "And today, you actually learn how to use my jutsu... Do the handseals, and focus your chakra to your hand. Ya, thats it. Why did I have you run laps? The faster you move while useing the chidori, the more damage it does. And running builds stamina, which increases your chakra capacity. So, now we get one final test... Run all the way back to Konoha while chargeing the chidori, then slash that big tree next to the front gate with it! Come on, get moveing!"

Sasuke twitched. Back to Konoha was twenty miles...

XXXXXXXXXX

LEMON WARNING! IF YOU AREN"T INTERESTED, SKIP THIS BIT!

Sakura turned over in her sleep, blushing from a rather raunchy dream she was having, involving- well, maybe it's best if you see for yourself.

Sasuke looked up at her, adoring the great beauty that was his queen. She smiled, and he blushed and bowed to her.

Looking at him intently, Sakura grinned. "Come," she cooed, "Please your mistress..." Spreading her legs open, she revealed a hole in the latex bodysuit, opening her crotch to the world.

Nodding, Sasuke crawled towards her, hands and feet bound in velvet-lined shackles. Once he got to her, he began licking the latex covering her feet, slowly lifting his head until his breath stirred the hair of her orchid, revealing that she was indeed a natural pinkette. Stretching out his tounge, he began to lick her soft petals as she hissed in pleasure. Looking down, he saw that he was hard. Gently pushing his head away, she ordered him down. As he lay, shackled and erect, she slowly lowered her throbbing vagina over his stiff pole, smiling as she felt it sliding inside her. Humming, she began bouncing , her breasts falling out of their bindings as she picked up speed, the pleasure building inside her until finally, it released in a massive climax that left her shaking. Looking down, she saw a dildo lyeing next to her slave. Dismounting him, she lifted it to in front of his eyes, grinnig like a cat as they widened almost imperceptively. "Lick it." She ordered, and he obeyed, though reluctantly. Once it was dripping with saliva, she trailed it down his skin, smiling gently as he wimpered. "Spread your legs," She cooed, "And I might let you enjoy this." Properly motivated, her loyal slave spread his knees, whimpering slightly as she lowered the toy to near his opening. Slowly, she thrust it in, enjoying the slight grimace of pain that slipped over his face. Pulling it back, and forth, she watched as he realized, in horror, that what she was doing was making him hard. Flipping a lever on the back, she started the toy vibrating as her pet started whimpering in pleasure and need for release. Slowly, ever so slowly, she started moving the vibrator in and back out again, until her toy was as hard as iron. then, slowly, she stopped again, raising herself over her willing minion yet again, lowering her mouth over him. Bobbing up and down, she sucked on it, ocasionally nipping the tip, causing the slave to feel a wash of pain and pleasure. Finally, the slave erupted into her mouth as she tasted him. Swallowing every last drop, she smiled down at the form beneath her before lowering her head down to his neck, apeasing the hunger that had been rising through the whole encounter.

As Sasukes motions became more feeble, she lifted him up and placed him back on his leash on the wall, before turning toward the other slaves spread across the room...

Sakura smiled and snuggled deeper into her blankets.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

XXXXXXXXXX
Dragonborn

XXXXXXXXXX

On the way back to Konoha, Sasuke shuddered as a feeling of doom swept over him.

xxx

Sakura woke up, then stretched slowly before getting out of bed. Scratching her crotch, she wondered why she felt so drowsy momentarily, before shaking it off. Kakashi-sensei was probably almost to the team meeting now!

As she rushed towards team 7's bridge, she wondered how much trouble she would get into for being late.

xxx

Deep inside Naruto's mind, an intense debate was occuring.

'I'm the original, I get to run the body!'

But it's booring in here... I wanna kill something! Wanna wanna kill!

But we always kill things... why can't we just have tea for once?

Alright, alright, we'll kill something, then have tea and biscuits!

Aww, not bicuits...

Fine, no biscuits. But lets kill something anyway!

"AARGH! SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUUT- UUP!" Naruto screamed while banging his head against a wall, drawing the attention of several not-quite-innocent passers by.

The better part of the crowd cleared rather quickly at the realization that the 'demon' was hearing voices.

xxx

"Okay, its the chunin exam finals... wait a miniute, there are two people missing. Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto..."

At that moment, Naruto walked in with a small bump on his forehead and a smile on his face.

The proctor shook his head. "Okay, only the Uchiha is missing now. Whatever, if he doesn't get here before his fight then he forfiets. The first match is Alucard vs Haku."

The rest of the contestents filed into the waiting room to watch as Haku and Alucard faced off. They stared at each other silently for a moment, measuring each other up, before...

"Begin."

Alucard began with a straitforward lunge, ungloved hands making a claw as he swung towards Haku. Who created an Ice mirror under her feet and dropped in, causing Alucard to overswing and stumble. A ring of mirrors grew out of the ground as he righted himself, and Haku rushed between them, slashing Alucard with a Kunai each time. Thinking quickly, Alucard used kawarimi to switch himself with a boulder from underground, rushing upwards as Haku blinked at the boulder that had broken her kunai. Danger sense ringing, Haku jumped up and threw the boulder at where Alucard's head stuck up out of the ground. Swearing furiously, Alucard pulled himself out and rolled to the side, almost getting out of the way. Staring at his shattered leg, Alucard barely noticed as the proctor announced his losing and the paramedics rushing him to the hospital.

As Haku walked upstairs, the proctor looked at the next match for a moment before shrugging. Whatever. "Next match- Sabaku no Gaara vs Uzumaki Naruto."

As the two contestants walked down the stairs to the arena, Gaara glared at Naruto'a back. 'I Don't know who you are. And I don't care. But mother... Wants your blood.'

xxx

 

XXX

DragonBorn

XXX

Naruto bent his neck to the side, cracking vertebrae back into place with a sharp twist. Rolling his shoulders as he straightened his neck, he gazed at his opponent. Gaara glared back at him, pale green eyes emitting great hatred.

Naruto grinned. "Hey, do you wanna forfeit? No offence, but you look kinda scrawny. How'd you get this far anyway?"

Up in the stands, Kankuro and Temari paled drastically. Not only was the fool mocking Gaara, he was being patronizing and sympathetic at the same time! As Gaara's eyes started twitching, they started to stand up, but before they could run away Baki's arms snaked up and pulled them down into their seats. "You need to watch this," he declared. "THIS is why you never make Gaara angry."

Meanwhile, Naruto was ignoring the sand gathering around Gaara. 'Are you sure? I don't know, this seems kinda risky.'

'Of course it'll work! Making somebody angry causes them to loose control. Once they've lost control, it's easier to beat them. And besides, he IS freakishly scrawny. I mean, even academy students have more muscle then that!'

'I have to agree with him, y'know. This is a basic tactic- make the enemy so angry that they do something stupid. And hey, he's falling for it!'

Naruto shrugged his head. 'Alright, but I have a bad feeling about this.' "Right, if you aren't going to forfeit... Then you'll have to die. Kirigakure no jutsu."

As the mist gathered, Gaara's eye twitched faster and faster and a blood vessel popped out on his forhead. "You... You think you can MOCK me, tell me you will KILL me, and hide in the mist? You're going to BLEED, worm. I'm going to BLEED YOU DRY! MOTHER!"

Chuckles echoed through the mist. "Crying for mommy now, little genin? Need her to come help you out, little crybaby? I bet you do, don't you! Can't do anything without mommies help!"

Gaara blasted away at a portion of mist with his sand, growling angrily when the gap was quickly filled back up. His sand was getting wet, and slowing down. Was it possible that his enemy had found this weakness just by looking at his technique?

"Whoops, you missed me. Why did you think I was over there anyways? I'd have thought it was obvious where I was..."

Gaara paled slightly as the echoes solidified into one place. "Behind!" he yelled, quickly lunging forwards in an attempt to dodge the attack, pulling his sand back from where he had blasted the wall with it... And getting hit in the face, knocking him backwards. Moving his sand as quickly as he could, he wrapped it around the person who punched him, crushing him into pulp with a wet... Pop? And where was the blood?

"Ooh, I see you like my Kage Bunshin technique," Naruto's voice echoed throughout the mist. "I can make hundreds of thousands of those, you know..." Naruto declared proudly. "And I can keep them up for pretty much forever. You've already lost, you scrawny little brat."

Gaara saw red. Blasting out with his sand, he swept away swathe of mist after swathe of mist, growling as it was replaced each time by even heavier, thicker mist. Surely his enemy would run out of chakra soon...

Gaara's thoughts were cut off as he was unexpectedly dragged underground. As the earth closed over his face, he tried to lift a hand to drag himself out of the earth. His sand flew towards him, desperately trying to burrow out the earth he was buried in. A minute later, the sand began to fall as Gaara passed out.

And then the earth exploded in sand.

"I'M FREE! KYAAHAHAHAHA!"

Naruto blinked. "Well... That was unexpected."

XXX

 

XXX

DragonBorn

XXX

Naruto frantically dodged around giant blasts of sand, each easily the size of a house.

Oh, shit- we're screwed, so screwed, so very fucking SCREE-WED!

Shut the hell up and keep controlling your cannon fodder, or we WILL be screwed!

Gonna die, gonna die, gonna die...

'Look. We are NOT going to die, okay? I'm the original personality here, and if you all keep whining I'm sending YOU out there as Kage Bunshins.'

NOOOOOOOO! You can't do that to us!

'I can, and I fucking will! I'm going to try something, so you all need to hold the fort for however long it takes. And if my body is dead when I come back, then so help me I'll resurrect you just so I can kill you again!'

But... Wouldn't you be dead too then?

...

He's gone. Oh my god, he left us to DIE!!!

Shut! Up! And! Get! Dodging! Else, you WILL fucking die!

XXX

Naruto looked around. It had worked! He was back in the nasty sewer place! Looking around, he quickly walked up to the cage that housed his 'furry tenant'. Looking in, he saw that the Kyuubi was asleep. Getting a wicked smile on his face, he hefted a broken paving stone and hurled it at the foxes head, then ran to a safe distance. Just in time, too...

"What the Goddamn fucking hell! How dare you, you impudent little marsh-lizard! I should fry you up and eat you with rice for that!"

Naruto's smile widened. Now's not the time for arguing, Kyuubi-Chan. I'm fighting a demon, and if I don't get some help soon, I'm likely to die... I seem to remember something about that being somewhat... Not in your interests. So, y'know... I'll cut it short. Pump me up with your power, I kill the demon, we live, and everything is nice and happily-ever-afterish."

"Hmm." The Kyuubi glared at Naruto with lidded eyes. "How about... No."

"Oka-" Naruto spun around. "Wait, WHAT? You're saying you don't give a shit about whether or not you die?"

"If I take one of the last dragons down with me... Sure."

Naruto glared up at the ceiling. "Oh kami, how many times do I have to say it? I'm not a dragon! Do I look like a dragon? I don't have scales, I don't have wings, and I don't have horns. Sasuke is more of a dragon then I am- At least he can breathe fire!"

Kyuubi glared at Naruto, who had been moving closer and closer to the cage during the rant, possibly attempting to psyche Kyuubi out... Kyuubi discarded the thought. The brat wasn't nearly smart enough for that. And... He was finally in range.

"Oh, if all you wanted was proof," Kyuubi chuckled, "All You had to do was ask."

Naruto blinked. "Huh?" The one moment of openness was all Kyuubi needed. Smashing Naruto back, he flew through a door that he hadn't even noticed before.

As the door swung shut behind him, the last thing Naruto heard was "See ya soon, ya little newt." The bastard.

XXX

As his eyes adjusted to the much brighter room, Naruto blinked. This place... was COMPLETELY different from the sewer that held the Kyuubi. It was a huge, ornate courtyard, tiled in gold with silver inlays. Dominating the room was an enormous statue of an eastern dragon, spewing steaming water into a large basin filled with bubbles.

"Step into the fountain, child."

Suddenly, the room wasn't anywhere near as cool. Naruto started backing away towards the door. "Er... I don't think so, sorry, but I'm busy dieing right now. Maybe another time..."

The door barred and latched itself. "Step into the fountain."

Naruto scanned the walls, the floor, and even the ceiling for a possible exit. Enfortunately, all the windows and skylights slammed shut as soon as he looked at them.

"Get in the fountain already, alright? It's not going to hurt!"

"NOO!" Naruto screamed. "I don't care WHO you are, You'll never take me alive!"

"Oh yes, I fucking will. It's Bath time, kid!"

"Oh Crap! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

XXX