How do I know when I’m asking for validation?

[Daytripper]

My question is pretty much what that's title says. I know it's one of my biggest issues but I don't know how to avoid it or when and if I'm asking for it? How do I know if it's just asking a question or seeking validation?

 

[humon]

First consider if you already know the answer to the question you're about to ask. Or, you have at least 80% confidence in the answer. If yes, then your reason for asking the question is not to learn the answer, but to confirm what you already suspected, or just to hear someone else say it.

A good way out of this trap is to just be honest about why you're asking. For example, "Hey, I'm thinking things are X, but I'm not sure, what do you think?" (in other words, give me a sanity check so I know I'm not deluding myself)

Also it helps to focus on specifics, rather than general vibes. Like if you're worried a piece of writing sucks, just asking, "Does this suck?", or, "Am I even any good at this?", is not as useful as asking, "Can you spot any mistakes here? Do the character backstories make sense? Does the dialogue fall flat? Did I miss an important detail? I was planning to take the plot in X direction, do you think that's a good idea, or should I change it?" Specific questions will yield specific answers that you may actually be interested in learning from, while general questions are more likely to result in someone just telling you what you want to hear (ie. validation).

 

[Bobofthehedgefield]

Also it helps to focus on specifics, rather than general vibes. Like if you're worried a piece of writing sucks, just asking, "Does this suck?", or, "Am I even any good at this?", is not as useful as asking, "Can you spot any mistakes here? Do the character backstories make sense? Does the dialogue fall flat? Did I miss an important detail? I was planning to take the plot in X direction, do you think that's a good idea, or should I change it?" Specific questions will yield specific answers that you may actually be interested in learning from, while general questions are more likely to result in someone just telling you what you want to hear (ie. validation).

Click to shrink...

This is good wisdom.

Repeatedly seeking validation is usually indicative of a larger problem. If you figure that out it'll probobly help you in the long run.

As for figuring out if you are seeking an answer or validation, Humon's method is good. It's sort of like goal setting. The question, like a goal, should be specific and measurable.