How I, Dirt Pile, Managed to Destroy the Equestria Universe

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 1: Basic Bitch



"You know George Washington Carver made the first computer out of a peanut?"
​

Much to my surprise, the book titled 'Oh shit, I am a Pony Now!!' held no helpful information on what to do when one was suddenly found themselves turned into an anthropomorphic pony. At least, that was the right term to be used, I assume. I wasn't some weird mix between human and pony alike; simply pony.

Boringly plain, I might say.

Throwing the book to the side, I leaned back in my chair, and brought a hoof across my forehead and my sides, making sure I hadn't accidently missed anything during the last forty-eight times I had acted out on this procedure.

Nope, not at all.

I was an Earth Pony, with a coat so plain, I might as well have been called Dirt Pile. Actually, that will be my name now, I refused to let anybody tell me otherwise. Fuck it, my one start of solidarity in this new alien world. Still, the small bit of amusement that gave me did nothing to quell the disappointment growing within myself.

Out of all pony races, I had to be born as the Earth Pony, the bottom feeding race. Sure, they had super strength, but that was usually reserved to main characters and characters related to main characters for the most part. I didn't even know where the hell I was, let alone who my parents were.

A look in a mirror once more showed me my generically colored speckled brown coat, and my similarly colored dirt-brown mane and tail. There went my dreams of instantly pulling hot pony babes left and right by virtue of being born as the right race; hell, I'd even make sure to throw in the faux shy tactic all these punks did to really sell the innocent act.

I leaned forward and fell to four feet. Hooves, or maybe feet worked? I'd hardly paid enough attention to the inner intricacies of the show to really know which was the better word. And by show, I meant My Little Pony.

Didn't take me long to realize where I had ended up. Took just about under two minutes, I reckon. From the colorful palette that layered everything in front of me, to my sudden lack of hands, and the gay lisp that came with every word I said, it'd be damn near impossible for me to not notice where the hell I was.

"Yeah, I'm a real clopper now."

I winced at the sound of my new voice. It had this… lack of presence, I wanted to say? There were a lot of words I could use to describe it, but I'll go with the simplest explanation for everyone to get. It made me sound like a total bitch, the type of guy who unironically got shoved in lockers and had themselves raised on the flagpole by their underwear.

I'd have to fix that voice sooner or later, and the same could be said with this admittedly subpar body of mine.

Well, at least I wouldn't have to worry about the second half of that sentence; a quick look through the cabinets in my room revealed no signs of underwear. Which could either be a good thing, or a bad thing. Depending on what that type of clothing meant in this world for ponies.

Now though, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself and bemoan about how unfortunate it was that I hadn't taken the unicorn-pill in this new life, or I could anti-angst like a boss. And the latter sounded like a much smarter decision. Being proactive was the key to surviving new situations after all. I'm pretty sure I heard that from some Investigation Discovery show, but it seemed legit enough to not immediately go into the 'bullshit' folder in my mind.

I opened the door, and went down the stairs. If I thought this was my house before, these stairs definitely erased any notion of that idea from my mind. Termites had taken hold within my home, and every step on the stairs was a gamble between a nice life and an abrupt trip to the hospital. On the plus side, it did make for a pretty good haunted house during the one time we decided to host.

Alright, first things first.

A shower.

Fur was new to me, but something told me it shouldn't be feeling this flakey…

— 2 —
​

Oh God, that water turned cold quick!

I honestly preferred it that way, helped me wake up and not go for the obvious option of lying in bed and somehow sleep my way back to Earth. The fact that I lacked a phone to doomscroll with while I laid on my bed also happened to be a major contributing factor. No way for me to be a completely unproductive member of society that easily here.

So instead of being a waste of space, I thanked Dirt Pile for having the foresight to have a knapsack in his room. Or maybe that was just the standard around here for earth ponies. Wasn't like they could just levitate their belongings with them everywhere they went like unicorns, or carry them with faux-wing-hands. We got to do everything with our hooves, including eating! Which was kind of gross if you thought about it, so I chose not to.

Everything was just reminding me that I'd gotten the short end of the stick. Even worse was how winded this body got just taking a few steps. Dirt Pile mustbes just been having fun just sitting around and being a useless fuck all day; that would have to be remidied.

But on the bright side… I had money!

If this was Earth, I would've already been jumping around in my world, hollering up a storm about how 'I'd just struck it rich'. Actually, I would make sure to do that once I had moved to a better neighborhood; bragging about that was a nice way of inviting the ferryman over for a permanent visit.

I packed myself the bits, a notebook and pencils, and… that was it? I mean, there were books, but I hardly was in the mood to do any reading right now. Especially after the absolutely useless book I had the mistake of previously looking into. Whenever I had the time, I would be sure to clean out the filth from the useful in Dirt Pile's bookshelves.

My house was pretty nice, all things considered. Yeah, the rooms were small, and there weren't too many of them, but seeing as how I was the only pony living in these quarters, it made sense. I idly wondered if the pony before me was renting the place, or if it had been bought out. I hoped it was the latter, if only for the beautiful view the balcony provided me; nicer than some Florida condos I'd taken a look at.

Though, maybe comparing Florida to Canterlot wasn't much of a comparison in good faith on any day.

How did I know it was the Canterlot? The giant castle that should've fallen years ago was quite a striking visual marker. I felt a sense of wonder tremble through my body at the sight, at the idea that I was breathing the same air Celestia breathed. The same air that all these magical beings lived and existed in for all their lives.

And now, I was one of them.

I headed out into the magical air of a magical city in a magical world, my entire being filled with a word that erupted through me with the step of each hoof.

Excitement.

— 3 —
​

"Hey, who's Nightmare Moon?"

The unicorn pony in the silly tophat and fancy suit looked at me long and hard, like I'd just asked if the Sun really did raise itself in the sky every morning. Evidently, this was not the question he expected to hear when I offered a penny for his time. "Are you an orphan, young colt?"

I shrugged. "Good question, I'll get back to you when I have an answer."

That answer was probably no, but I wasn't in any rush to go ahead and get that checked. Being tied down by parents would only get in the way of my very important plans. Important plans that were known to me only, apparently.

I hadn't yet gotten some strange dream, or suddenly turned into an alicorn during my mini-walk, so it looked like I would have to pick up the slack. I never was the best with open ended questions like these.

What I did know was that I was in Canterlot sometime before canon. Not too helpful in deciphering exactly when in the timeline I was though; it could be any time from a month, to a year to a thousand years. Probably not that far, I doubted the castle was that old.

Guess, I'd have to find out when the time came.

For now though? I would hold hope that I was somewhere within the lines of the canon timeline. Not too much of a point in me going around to interact with ponies I hadn't seen from behind a screen before.

And from what I knew of the show, Twilight Sparkle was busy being a giant shut-in geek before she had been all but forced to head out to Ponyville by the powers that be. Gave me a bit of some structure in my future Equestria goals.

Still, roaming through Canterlot to find Twilight Sparkle would have to wait until I got a handle on her routine. The show had barely given us any real knowledge on her day-to-day life outside of being a total shut-in, but I'm sure that super powered mind could come of use to me.

To what end? Using her for some of my greatest wishes? Hmm, ehh, making contact with her? Sounded like a good enough reason to me. That was all the reason I needed to stalk an underaged teenage pony girl in another world.

Was I a creep?

Only if that was a law in Equestria!

Note to self, check Equestria's legislation for any anti-stalking laws…

These were the same folks who left magical artifacts lying around for any random schmuck to just take them for their own use. It wouldn't surprise me if there was no such thing in Equestria. Would definitely explain how Pinkie Pie managed to get away with so much nonsense.

But back to Twilight, I knew she had some giant ass tower she spent most of her time in. Some observatory of sorts. It couldn't be too hard to find that in Canterlot. I already had a few ideas in mind of where to start, and the giant castle that constantly laid in the corner of my eye was not an acceptable answer.

The area of Canterlot I was in reminded me of some of the lesser cities back home. A nice enough place for dignified gentlemen to allow themselves to commit crime in. Not that I had seen any pony mafiamen around, but it was just the general vibe I had been getting from the area.

I was drawn out of my thoughts until I saw a pony selling hats on the side of the road. Some of those hats were ones that definitely did not belong in this world, but whatever. I wasn't too focused on those. Instead, it was the Businessman's Stetson that caught my gaze. It then suddenly came to me that I had no idea what stuff in this world actually cost; I could be getting myself ripped-off here without even knowing it. My eyes then flickered to the price-tag.

Thirty-five bits.

Well, I had bits for a reason.

I walked away with a Stetson seated atop my head. It made me feel less naked, if that was the fitting word. I'd grown used to having something on top of my head at all times. Not having a hood to pull over my head gave me the same awkward sensation I felt whenever I decided to cut down on my hair.

Afterward, I walked into a local foodshop and ordered the cheapest item on the menu. Daisy sandwiches for two bits each. Always good to spend cheap right after a big purchase. I ordered two of them.

That and some of the darkest deep-press coffee an Earth Pony could get themselves.

I sat outside, pony-watching as I went down on some admittedly delicious food. I knew I was a pony now, but damn, daisy sandwiches just might be one of the best things ever. I ignored the strange looks sent my way as my tongue did a mini dance in my mouth.

Reaching over my shoulder, I pulled my notebook out of my sack and started to write down the important goals.

Shower every day.

Work out.

Save The World (maybe?? Not really my job…)

Don't be a total loser (ME)

Make contact with cute pony waifus

Stalk Twilight Sparkle

Observe Twilight Sparkle

I tapped a hoof against my chin. "I'm missing something here."

A few seconds later I added, 'get a hold of grappling-gun and/or explosives' to the list.

 

[ganderhearse]

Chapter 2: Left Foot Lets Stomp



"I have never once met a woman worth talking to. No, I'm not gay. Yes, I appreciate the male form much more than the female."
​

"Oh, y'know… blowing shit up. Terrorism."

The mare behind the counter gave me a long look, her eyes flickering to the bottles of sanitizer I was putting into my bag. "Now that's rather crass language for a young colt like yourself, isn't it?"

How old was I really? I'd stood in front of the mirror a bunch of times, trying to come to the answer of that myself, but I couldn't quite place a pony-face to age the same way I would with a person. From what I could remember of the actual show, I don't think I looked older than any of the main cast had been in season one. And I definitely doubted I was somewhere under the age of thirteen; I had woken up in that building all alone.

Dirt Pile didn't seem to have an answer, not with me drinking a connection of part high dose caffeine, liquor, and antiadenosin-filled energy drink. Just drank and drank until my hooves didn't seem like toys that I didn't want anymore.

Because oh God no, I don't want these things, is that how they really work- Just drink. Where are my fingers, oh my Christ where is my nose. Just drink.

Why is the world like tha— what is this how do I eve—

Just drink.

Because this was the new normal.

Old enough; that age old answer seemed to be the only appropriate one. No one had outright stopped me on the streets, though that didn't mean I went without weird looks when ponies thought I wasn't looking.

"Sorry ma'am," I said, not quite holding back the snark in my tone. If that was crass, I wonder what the rest my tongue had to offer would look like. "I'm just another one of these no-good teenagers; nothin' special 'bout me here."

Already, I was slipping into a drawl. Back home, I considered it a fun little trick to do, casually dropping my tone from 'proper English' to somethin' reminiscent of a southern lexicon. Ignorant folk liked to call it an Alabama accent, but I'd never once stepped foot in that state.

I quickly left the store before the funny looking mare could spare me any other damning questions. Had to thank my lucky stars that we weren't in the States. Those words alone along with my current fur complexion would've been more than enough to have me gunned down where I stood. God bless the Equestria that hadn't implemented a PATRIOT Act. Still, it wasn't as if I hadn't been getting odd looks all around.

A trip to one of the fancier stores had ponies looking at me as if I'd just crawled out of the garbage chute and started dancing on the tapestry. Well, I might as well have done that and more with just how vicious their stares were. Made sense though, in a twisted manner of speech. They were the upper class unicorn elite and I were just an earth pony in a classy Stetson.

That was mostly correct; within the past few weeks in Equestria, I'd made sure to get my hooves on some collared shirts. Wasn't a point in going to the gym if I didn't have a shirt to fill out; that was half the fun in going. Getting to wear shirts that you totally accidentally put on and being surprised by how much your arms filled out your sleeves was the true reward at the end of many hours of dedication.

Though, I lacked arms now. Missed those things; now I had to rear up on my hind legs to flex properly, and that whole act was an exercise in keeping balance more than anything else.

Even lifting stuff up was an exercise in of itself, at least when I consciously thought about it. If I didn't, then picking up items, simply… was. There was a certain lack of finesse in how I wrote with a pencil, but whatever. Sue me; until just a few weeks ago, I had five digits to work with. Now I was stuck with one, and what I believed to be a form of tactile telekinesis.

It was either that or the gecko electromagnetic theory. In any case I needed my fingers back.

"Need to get my hands on some styrofoam," I mused to myself before taking down another gulp of mixed substances. My napalm game wouldn't settle for anything less. Maybe from that coffee shop? Not too sure where I'd go to make an order for a large quantity of styrofoam.

I idly lifted a dumbbell in my right hand as I sat on the workout bench, nodding towards another passing mare who's eyes lingered on me for much longer than needed. Bulket's Vay did not sound like a pony name at all, but it damn sure was a good place to get a proper workout. At only five bits a month, I considered it more than a steal; it was pretty much highway robbery.

Now just were the weekly pizza parties to keep us gym goers big and large so we would be forced to keep going to the gym?

Try as I might, I hadn't yet seen any sign of unhealthy goods being offered from around the corner. That, combined with my weekly workout structure, a diet focused on healthy veggies, beans, and water — not that I had much of a choice in that matter — and a reason to walk around, this body of mine had begun to change somewhat. If anything else, I had given Dirt Pile four sets of decently toned quads and the beginnings of a nicely defined chest.

I had me another swing out of my mixed coffee concoction.

All it took was the small sacrifice of knowing that everyday was leg day.

— 3 —​

I finished building weapons that would have law enforcement not so subtly gangstalk me in the small cabinet of my kitchen and set out to act on my plans. Bits stored in my sack, a freshly perfumed collared shirt, and my Stetson hat, I was pretty much as ready as one could be in magical ponyland.

To be safe, I made sure to take one container with me.

And closed the copy of 'Oh shit, I'm A Pony Now' that had been lying open on my bed for whatever reason. I did tend to get lost in a book when I really enjoyed it but I could've sworn that I'd tossed the thing under my bed the first day I got it.

Well, pony life was exciting life, so it'd made sense that I'd forget the small details sometimes. So, I tossed the book out of the way and then tossed myself out the door.

As I walked down the streets of Canterlot, I wondered if Dirt Pile and I had swapped bodies. I could just imagine him waking up in my body, not knowing how to even work with only two feet. Ruining any semblance of order in my life. And even worse, going around and revealing his otherworldly status like a maniac.

I attracted a lot of strange looks as I went up towards the nicer parts of Canterlot, but that hardly bothered me a bit. Being a spectacle was nothing new to me; one had to get used to it rather quickly when moving around a lot in childhood.

Plus, it was mighty easy to ignore those looks when my attention was more focused on a map of Canterlot city. Canterlot-Caerleon-on-Usk, Canterlot-Cardigan, Canterlot-Stirling. Huh, names without horsepuns for the most part. From the looks of it, I'd been living in Caerleon-on-Usk this entire time, and the more fancy districts could be found in Cardigan.

"Excuse me, young stallion, but where are you headed?" a mare asked.

I inhaled sharply as I turned her way, finding a unicorn mare in a yellow coat wearing a fancy dress looking up my way. One of the few blessings this body had provided me; I'd grown used to having people look up at me, and I didn't want to have that change in any sense of the word. It still did bother me how low my vision was now. Every so often I still strained my neck up to fix my current sight.

"That begs to be decided, ma'am" I said, more as a way to fill the empty air. We had stopped at an intersection; not because of some traffic light, but more for the sense of common courtesy, allowing the carriages to pass by before the rest of us did. Reminded me somewhat of smaller German villages.

"Are you a newcomer to this city?"

"Eh, guess you might be on the marker 'bout that." I waved a hoof in the air in front of me. "In a manner of speaking."

"Excuse me?"

I tugged on my hat. "It means, yes."

"Well, I'd be pleased to say this: welcome to Canterlot," the unicorn mare said, sounding cheerful. In contrast to that, she had this intensely smug smile on her face, one that gave me an itch to just clobber her across the face. But, I had me some sense of manners, even if my ever-so pounding head wanted me to act otherwise.

"Thank you, I might have been completely lost if it wasn't for your generosity." I tipped my hat down once more, ignoring the sputtering happening behind me. My eyes focused on the splendor of the city before me.

The City of Canterlot was a big place. Maybe that was a bit of a stupid thought to pass my mind, but from the show alone, I would've expected the place to be more like a small town in size. Maybe only a little bit bigger than Ponyville had been. Just went to show that you couldn't believe everything that T.V. told you after all. The streets were busy with ponies on their lunch break. Fancy ponies in suits and dresses and those with neither were heading to restaurants or buying food from the side of the road. I'd already grabbed a bite to eat before I headed out so I didn't fall in line with the rest of them; can't let something like a tummy get in the way of your journey.

Finally, I had reached it: Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, if I was remembering the name right. Or at least, I hoped that this was the right school. One might think that it would be hard to mistake the giant unicorn-only building for another, but clearly Canterlot did not believe in unique building design for the most part.

Last week, I had walked up to the steps of a school building, and squeezed my way inside when nobody had been paying much attention. A teacher had lifted me up in a telekinetic field and asked me in not-so-kind words, what I was doing inside a kid's daycare center. Judging from how I'd been thrown through the doors and into the street, I had to guess that my explanation of looking for future clowns of Equestria wasn't well appreciated.

Were I in a not so nice place, I probably would've been mugged, with the way I had just been thrown into the ground. Thankfully, passing ponies had been kind enough to give me a wide berth and give me judgemental stares.

By process of elimination, that meant this school was exponentially more likely to be the one I was looking for.

This time, I took my time, sitting myself at a shop across the street from the large buildings. See, I learned, I would make sure there weren't only children leaving the building before I decided to walk up. I was sure absolutely nothing about what I was doing was creepy or weird in any way, shape or form — no siree bob. That weird feeling bubbling in my head? Yeah, it'd be best to ignore that silly little thing; it might convince me that stalking ponies was wrong or something.

Observing.

Dirt Pile is not a stalker.

A few minutes of careful observation showed me an increasingly growing amount of unicorns leaving the building, with no children doing the same. Guess that meant I made it to the right building, and with their lunch hour having been started, that meant time was not on my side. I adjusted my Stetson.

And I was a pony of action.

 

[HGieokk]

Interested to see where this goes! I wonder if Discord had any hand in this, or if it's just some random ROB shenanigans.

 

[ganderhearse]

Interested to see where this goes! I wonder if Discord had any hand in this, or if it's just some random ROB shenanigans.

Click to shrink...

ROB? Didnt know Dirt Pile brought one of those along; just wait, this fic is going to turn into the world's first written Gyromite playsession