1. Due to issues with external spam filters, QQ is currently unable to send any mail to Microsoft E-mail addresses. This includes any account at live.com, hotmail.com or msn.com. Signing up to the forum with one of these addresses will result in your verification E-mail never arriving. For best results, please use a different E-mail provider for your QQ address.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. For prospective new members, a word of warning: don't use common names like Dennis, Simon, or Kenny if you decide to create an account. Spammers have used them all before you and gotten those names flagged in the anti-spam databases. Your account registration will be rejected because of it.
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Since it has happened MULTIPLE times now, I want to be very clear about this. You do not get to abandon an account and create a new one. You do not get to pass an account to someone else and create a new one. If you do so anyway, you will be banned for creating sockpuppets.
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If you wish to change your username, please ask via conversation to tehelgee instead of asking via my profile. I'd like to not clutter it up with such requests.
    Dismiss Notice
  5. Due to the actions of particularly persistent spammers and trolls, we will be banning disposable email addresses from today onward.
    Dismiss Notice
  6. A note about the current Ukraine situation: Discussion of it is still prohibited as per Rule 8
    Dismiss Notice
  7. The rules regarding NSFW links have been updated. See here for details.
    Dismiss Notice
  8. The testbed for the QQ XF2 transition is now publicly available. Please see more information here.
    Dismiss Notice

I can't hate her (Soul nomad fanfic. Please review)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by imposter36, May 21, 2014.

  1. imposter36

    imposter36 Getting sticky.

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    88
    Likes Received:
    28
    This is an old story i posted FF.net a while back, but after rereading, being, unsatisfied and getting some advice from a friend i decided to rewrite it. I'm posting here since i know that people here will be way more open with any criticisms when asked so i wanted to get some advice here before i repost it on FanFiction.
     
    Ddmkm122 likes this.
  2. imposter36

    imposter36 Getting sticky.

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    88
    Likes Received:
    28
    Re: I can't hate her

    I Can’t Hate Her.



    I was playing through Soul Nomad on the demon path again and I got to wondering how Revya felt about Dannete. This is what I felt happened



    One year had passed since the heroes of Prodesto had trapped the Devourlord inside of Maize forest. During that time the entire country was preparing for war. They didn’t expect the seal to hold nor did they want it to. They had been preparing, gathering arms, able fighters, rigorously training to their absolute limits for one thing. Revenge. Revenge against the one whom had slaughtered thousands, enslaved more, and had come to strike fear in the hearts of all men. This mad demon, playing host to the master of death had to be stopped at any cost. Now the Devourlord had awoken again and the final preparations were being made for the final confrontation. However while the humans prepared for the fight the enemy of the world was wandering in her prison thinking very different thoughts.
    Wandering inside the seemingly endless maze of trees was a person one would not expect to see upon hearing her reputation. The feared enemy of all living beings was a slim young girl who looked barely 18. Her hair a red so bright it could be mistaken for orange. She wandered wearing a simple bra and tan pants ending at her boots. Her face was fair, what some could even call cute, the only sign that she would be any kind of threat was the sheathed black sword hanging by her side. Well that and the spirit that lived with her.
    “God Damnit we’ve been walking for freakin’ hours!! Where does this damn forest end?” shouted gig the constant companion to our “hero” by virtue of sharing one body. “Hey kid do you know how long we’ve been walking? “
    “…”
    “Kid?”
    His companion Revya -known to all as the Devourlord- had been unusually quiet since she had woken up. Granted she was never the chattiest person but he could tell something was wrong. Even when she was busy slaughtering the monsters stupid enough to attack her she had seemed distracted. This had never happened to her before.
    “Uh, Hello?” Gig prompted trying to illicit some kind of response. “Are you there anymore?”
    “It was her.” Revya said.
    “Huh, who?”
    “The knight from before we slept,” she stated recalling the last moments she could remember before they put her to sleep.
    “Huh?” Gig went on trying to remember whom she was referring to. “Ah, that’s right the ‘silent knight’ right? Yeah she sounded familiar, who was it again?” He paused trying to recall one name out of millions whom either opposed him or were crushed by him, usually both. However his partner already knew the answer.
    “…Dannete.”
    “...Oh, yeah the stupid cow,” replied gig in understanding, recalling the young Sepp girl from his first moments with his host. He remembered a young girl that lived in his partner’s old home village, green hair, a Sepp so she had hooves for feet and a small set of cow horns on her head. The resulting bloodbath however didn’t leave much time to get to know her. “Wonder why she’s alive… oh well at least you’ll get to kill her again right? That oughta' be fun.” Revya didn’t answer. Normally she would cheer at the chance to slaughter someone, especially someone from her past, but now she seemed... hesitant?
    “Kid… your not really doing this right?" The former death god questioned, "I thought you hated her and everyone in that shitty little village with a passion.”
    “You’re wrong there Gig, I don’t think I can hate her.” She said it with her usual tone. No anger or sadness, just a matter of fact statement. Yet Gig couldn’t believe it. From the minute he met her, this girl had shown no remorse, no empathy, and no kindness to anyone. She had become a demon who destroyed and devoured everything even using his power with no regard for the safety of her soul, but now she was showing compassion? Remorse? For someone she had actively tried to murder before?
    “What. The. Hell? Are you freaking serious right now? What do you mean you can’t hate her? As soon as I met you, you two tried to murder each other!! How in the hell can you pull that bullshit on me now of all times!?”
    Revya looked around seeing if there was a discernable landmark or possible way out. Seeing nothing and deciding that time was something they had in abundance she decided to answer.
    “The people in that village betrayed me. They had all wanted to use me, to use us to further their own stupid goals since they were all to weak to handle it themselves.” She said continuing on her journey. “That’s why they died; I hate manipulators as well as the weak. Dannete was different however. She was… simple.” She paused again and as she continued her voice softened showing something she had thought she had long since abandoned, affection for another living being.
    “She approached me with no ulterior motives, no ill intent just a desire to be a friend. She was honest, probably still is, and I like that about her. She was the closest thing I had to a sister ya know? She didn’t know what they had planned. I mean not only is she my age, and she’s so stupid that –aside from that bitch Layna- she couldn’t even remember anyone’s name. Even mine!”
    In a rare moment for her Revya became lost in her memories. She recalled playing with her old friend. Trying to sneak out of the village but always being stopped by Gadius the gatekeeper. Dannete gasping in excitement when they heard stories of the lost home of Marlene and the fantastic creatures that lived on the island of the winged people. She remembered them both leaping onto old Ben and Van and holding on for dear life as the aged Redflanks panicked and tried to buck off the laughing children who ambushed them. She even remembered the time on her birthday where they managed to steal some hotpods out of their caretaker’s kitchen but got into a fight after Revya insisted on getting more since she was the birthday girl. She actually cracked a smile on that one.
    She also remembered singing Dannete to sleep when she had nightmares of her parents’ murder. She recalled all that time spent training to become the guardians of that stupid place. But most of all she remembered that stupid smile she’d get whenever they got into mischief. The villagers and Lady Layna had planned to force Gig into her to get her to fight the World Eaters. They had seen her as nothing but a tool, a weapon. But Dannete only saw her friend. Her fellow orphan who wouldn’t talk much, but would cause mischief and fight as hard as she could to protect what was hers. And on the day they put their plan into action, and when it inevitably backfired, poor Dannete too shocked, confused and angry to understand her friends slaughter of their home, paid the price.
    Revya sighed at that, a forlorn look on her face. “I look back on that day and my only wish is that I could convince her to join me. It might have been fun, me and her causing trouble and taking orders from no one. Just like the old days.” No one in the world would have believed this moment happened. The Devourlord, slayer of the world eaters, conqueror of Orviska, host to the master of death, and responsible for most of the world becoming a blackened, scarred, corpse ridden wasteland, was vulnerable, almost…human. For the first time since her campaign of carnage began she showed some form of love towards someone instead of indifference or gleeful homicidal mania.
    “WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THIS MUSHY BULLSHIT!?” raged the only being ever to know of this rare moment, “So now you’re regretting all this? Now you wish you could snap your fingers and get a do-over? Well that’s fuckin’ hilarious, little miss homicidal maniac here actually has a heart.” He continued to rant disregarding his current host. “What, next time you see her you gonna put away the sword and beg her to join? Spend the day eating hotpods and reminiscing about the good old days? Probably why she’s still around, you can’t bear to kill your dear old friend.” He continued mockingly. It grated on his partner’s nerves but he was too busy ranting to care. “God kid, here I thought we were kindred spirits but it turns out your soft like all the rest. What a freakin’ disappointment.”
    Revya stopped walking.
    “Shut up.”
    It’s hard to describe how someone could glare at something that existed inside his or her own body without use of a mirror, yet she somehow managed it. And that glare froze Gigs’ blood cold as he beheld it. This was it, the expression that defined everything he knew about this woman. A glare filled with malice and hatred for everything she beheld. A glare directed at him now.
    “Let me make one thing clear. It still doesn’t matter what our past was or my feelings for her are. If anyone gets in my way be it Dannete, Layna, or you then they will die. If she wants to join then that’s fine. Granted it’s unlikely, she always was Layna’s “good little girl.” She continued spitting out the last phrase with utter contempt. “Either way, I’ll kill her or anyone else as many times as it takes. Be it her, Layna, all the World Eaters in existence, or even you Gig. Understand?”
    This was more like it. this was the girl Gig recognized as his partner. The only being capable of wielding his strength, the only one he feared. Because he knew she didn’t lie. She meant everything she said and would definitely find a way to kill him if she thought she might want to.
    “Fine, fine I get it kid," he conceded deciding it's best his partner direct that gaze at someone other than him. "So what’s the plan now?” he asked as his partner once again started moving.
    “The same thing as before Gig. Get out of this forest, murder the bastards who put us here, and…” she intoned, a cold mad smile creeping on her face. “See if I can’t visit my old friend.”

    I always found it odd that Revya could not answer any of Dannete’s questions. Particularly the one about whether or not she hated her. I thought about it but I could never see her truly hating her childhood friend. But that might just be me. Please review and tell me how I did. I crave criticism on how to improve.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2014
    Ddmkm122 likes this.
  3. Master of Squirrel-fu

    Master of Squirrel-fu The Original

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    2,969
    Likes Received:
    13,189
    Re: I can't hate her

    The way I read the original Demon Path was that Revya suffered some kind of abandonment issues that made her crack when she thought the woman who raised her was simply doing so to use her. She killed everyone else for being in on it and when Dannette attacked her for doing such, remember she was in the same room as her yet suddenly you're outside killing everyone else, she simply stabbed Danette and left her to die.

    I Think she might have been hesitant to simply kill her even after that perceived betrayal hence her shock at actually killing Danette with her suicide attack. And that would have been brought to ahead with Danette's last request from beyond the grave that would bond them together for eternity.
     
    Ddmkm122 likes this.
  4. Guile

    Guile Clothes That Kill Virgins

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2013
    Messages:
    13,686
    Likes Received:
    65,938
    Re: I can't hate her

    I dunno. Demon Path was kind of fun as an extra omake sort of thing, but Revya just went stone cold, genocidal crazy.

    Trying to find any logic in her actions... good luck, man.
     
    Ddmkm122 likes this.
  5. Master of Squirrel-fu

    Master of Squirrel-fu The Original

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    2,969
    Likes Received:
    13,189
    Re: I can't hate her

    It's not so much an excuse as an explanation for the start of darkness. Sort of like how Joker fell into a vat of chemicals, it just takes one bad day...
     
    Ddmkm122 likes this.
  6. imposter36

    imposter36 Getting sticky.

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    88
    Likes Received:
    28
    Re: I can't hate her

    Alright then. Any suggestions on how I can improve the story? I'm still kinda new so I'll gladly accept any cricisim.
     
    Ddmkm122 likes this.