I see monsters sometimes.

[Ninjacat10]

Sometimes I see monsters in the dark. I don't mean this in a metaphorical way, it's almost like I'm dreaming. I'll look into the dark, and I'll see the outline of a creature. From there my mind does the leg work, I'll see teeth, I'll see crimson eyes with black pupils, I'll see blood on their too sharp teeth… The fear I feel at seeing these creatures is very real, but I know the creatures themselves aren't. They can't exist, if they did then other people would see them too. Sometimes I have nightmares about the creatures.

It's strange, because I'm never afraid. In fact sometimes the dreams are so impossibly terrible and gruesome that I'll laugh at the absurdity and wake myself up. I don't remember the details but I'll remember what woke me up, like only remembering the punchline to a joke. I once woke up laughing because in my dream a man was selling fried baby testicles. It was so impossibly evil and cruel that I just couldn't take the concept seriously. I started thinking about the logistics of how you'd even make a business out of selling baby testicles. I guess it's not funny, but the concept was so insane that it woke me up from what felt like it was meant to be a nightmare.

I've had other dreams, but it's been so long since I've thought about them that I can't even remember the details of the dreams themselves, just waking up from them laughing. I wish I could have that reaction to the monsters, but for some reason all I can do is look at them while chanting that they're not real in my head. I think it's a coping mechanism. I tend to see the monsters after a traumatic event. Maybe I read a story that particularly scares or scars me, maybe i'm shaking because some people in the hall were yelling too loud and i'm reminded of my father yelling and throwing things in the house… But after those events I see monsters.

The monsters never do anything, at worst they're particularly creepy, staring at me with their too wide eyes and their grins. When I was younger I would hide under my covers and imagine that my stuffed animals were fighting them off… I haven't thought about that in years, but I remember that it helped me get over my fear of the dark. I remember that I would have dreams of epic battles where they'd fight off the demons of my imagination… But now I've grown up. I'm 21, and I don't have stuffed animals to fight off my imaginary monsters anymore.

Worse than that, I don't think that my stuffed animals would win anymore. Not because I'm an adult and I don't think they would move, but because the monsters have gotten stronger as I've gotten older and more experienced. Demons of the imagination grow stronger when the mind grows, and I've been happily reading books since I was 10 years old.

The monster I saw today was what got me to start writing this out, I was walking to the bathroom this morning because I had to pee. It was 6:37 AM and the hallway was dark. I was looking at the floor making sure that the dogs hadn't pissed on the floor. I've made the mistake of not looking more times than I care to admit, and I hate stepping in puddles, or worse their shit. Then when I got to the end of the hall with the door on my left leading to the bathroom I looked up and saw it.

It was big, too big to fit into the hallway. It didn't have arms or legs, it was just a large blob with 1 eye and a giant mouth. Like Kirby if you removed its limbs and gave them sharp teeth. I couldn't see it's color, it was too dark for that, but it wasn't doing anything. I couldn't hear it. It wasn't making a sound, but it looked like it was breathing heavily and drooling. It looked like it wanted to eat me, but had no way of forcing the issue.

I remember my heart thundering in my chest, I was breathing heavily, and in my head I was just insisting that it wasn't real. But that didn't make it any less real at the moment. Hallucinations are weird, when i was a little kid i didn't understand how people could fall for them, obviously you'd know right? But no, they're very real looking, even if you know that they're an impossibility and they make no noise.

I was able to ignore the monster. I headed to my bathroom and did my business being sure to step over the rugs because the dogs peed on them and I'm too lazy to bother cleaning them when they'll just pee on them again. I washed my hands and crushed some tiny bugs that came out of the sink. I'm pretty sure that something sugary got dropped at the bottom because there's no drain cover, and they're breeding down there. It's gross, but I guess I've just never bothered to think about it because it isn't an immediate issue.

When I opened the door to the bathroom I didn't see the creature. I just turned right and started heading to my room. I deliberately didn't look behind me, because I felt like if I did I'd see a new monster. One that's actually capable of moving and fitting in the hallway. Then I sat at my desk and looked at the mess. 5 cups, 3 bowls, a plate, and a bunch of utensils and trash, along with some meds. When I list it all out like that I really do sound pathetic and gross. I'd try to justify myself, but at this point I think I've just got to acknowledge that I'm a slob.

After sitting at my desk I turned my computer on, it was just in sleep mode, so it booted up pretty fast. After that I pulled up google docs and started typing this out. I guess seeing the monster gave me a burst of inspiration to actually vent about it. I don't think I've ever actually told anybody about it, It's rare enough that I've never brought it up with a doctor, and honestly I've got a whole other slough of mental issues that I'd rather talk about with a medical professional that I'm probably never even going to mention to one because it would mean more appointments and money spent.

Thinking about it, typing out and posting my innermost thoughts on the internet isn't a replacement for just going to therapy, but at this point I've spent about an hour typing this all out and I'm not going to delete it out of some sense of dignity, especially given that at this point I have none. Thank you for reading out my rambles anyways, I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts in a way that would leave me feeling heard without having to deal with the consequences of actually telling somebody in real life.

 

[Soupervan]

It's either some form of night terrors or hallucinations in general, in either case there's a possibility some form of medication can help, wouldn't hurt to see someoine about it if you can afford it.

 

[humon]

Two things I see going on here:

1. It's common for the imagination to insert things into dark spaces where there is uncertainty about what's there (it's not common for it to be as extreme as you described, but the concept doesn't surprise me). This would have evolved as a heuristic when we lived in nature and predators were always lurking in dark places waiting to ambush us (especially when we're children and can't easily fight back). A lot of phobias evolved out of situations where kids who didn't have that fear ended up getting dragged away by a tiger, or bitten by a snake and then their legs rot off the bone. So the physical mechanism is baked into our DNA.

2. You sound like you have a lot of problems in your life that you don't have control over and don't know what to do about. This often manifests in the subconscious as being surrounded or watched by monsters. Every monster is a problem you can't solve, but that will crush you eventually if you don't do something about it. The longer you ignore a problem, the bigger the monster will get. The only way to make them go away is to start working on solving your problems. The first step in doing that is to name the problems, identify them, and understand them. Then you can think of what actions you might be able to take so that they become less of a threat to you.

One place I could suggest starting is to clean things up when they are dirty. For example, the bugs in the sink, you could look up how to take apart the drain pipe (should be a simple matter of unscrewing it in two places), then check inside and clear out anything that's living down there. The crap in your room, clean that up too. When you don't want to do it, ask yourself what's so important that it can't wait 5 minutes for you to clean some stuff up first. Then the dogs peeing on everything... train your dogs to bark when they have to go, so you can take them outside (and then actually take them out when they bark, don't be distracted or lazy). Or if they're not your dogs then get the owner to train them. Having piss all over the floor is no way to live. It makes everything stink and it shows everyone who visits that you don't care about yourself or them. The longer you ignore it, the bigger that monster is going to get.

I don't know what kind of personal life you have, but a lot of people's problems come down to relationships with other people (most often family) not being aligned properly. When two people are pursuing the same goal, they can work together very well and there is no problem. But often they have different goals they are chasing (often selfishly), and where those goals conflict, it creates problems if they don't work out a way of dealing fairly on those issues. You can think of how nations do diplomacy to sort out trade policy and territorial disputes so that it doesn't have to come to war. So too, people need to negotiate with each other to work things out so they don't end up murdering each other (or in the less severe case, yelling at each other and holding grudges).

Finally, remember that you only see them when it's dark. Turning on the light would dispel them, right? In the metaphorical world, light is truth. The more truth you seek (about how the world works, about human nature, science, philosophy, everything), the less darkness there is around you, and the fewer places there are for monsters to hide in. We live in a world where everybody is being lied to all the time about everything, and so it's no wonder that you might see monsters everywhere. Focus your attention on sorting out what's true and what's a lie, what's real and what's the result of someone manipulating you, and you'll at least be better prepared to fight a monster if one does try to eat you. If you imagine a paladin with a sword of light slashing the monsters to pieces and banishing them back to hell, but it's not a sword, it's the power to say true things and point out reality.