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Jumpchain: Better Title Pending

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by IamHere, Feb 17, 2019.

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  1. IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    A jumpchain fanfiction with meta supplement for more cp. First jump is Overlord. Constructive criticism leads to improvements in writing quality, and a beta would be a godsend.
     
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  2. Index: Intro
    IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Intro​
    I woke up floating in the abyss before a decidedly inhuman being. It spoke to me in a gravelly voice.

    “You have been chosen to participate in a jumpchain for my entertainment. The jumpchain system has been modified to grant more leeway in choices.”

    “Wait, the system was modified! In what way?”

    “There were more points allotted for each jump to allow even inexperienced jumpers a chance of success.”

    “What is my first jump going to be or do I not get to chose?”

    “Your first jump will be to Overlord.”

    After I finished selecting my choices, I felt an uncomfortable pulling sensation as I was dragged from the void.
     
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  3. Index: Jumpchain Info
    IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Supplement - QQ Jumpchain Meta(https://imgur.com/a/jbvtMWL)
    First Jump - Overlord Series (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J_X9qf0JJOMr_ZoNoyJZelepaUMuTaS4y_jwufLe_sE/edit)
    Jumpchain Meta choices: More CP x2(3,000 cp every jump)
    Overlord Series choices: Starting Location(Nazarick), Age(23), Race(Player Progenitor Vampire), Origin(Magic Caster), 42nd Supreme Being, Tolerance For Evil, Level One Hundred, Magic Item Creator, Bestiary Knowledge, Crafting Class(200cp version), Arcane Caster, Divine Caster, Evoker, Necromancy, Dark Wisdom(Can learn any number of spells), Gold Coins(Gold Coins), Crafting Materials, Pay To Win Items(2 Elixirs), Comfy Tavern, Divine Tier Equipment, Caloric Stone, Ring of Ainz Ooal Gown, Embroiled in Politics, Scenario(An Eternal Legend)
     
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  4. Index: Overlord Part One
    IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Overlord Part One
    Once the sensation had ended, I found myself standing in an opulent throne room next to Momonga. My head was filled with flashes of memories as my life experiences combined with those of my new body. I had apparently been a prominent member of Ainz Ooal Gown specializing in creating equipment for the guild. That is not to say I had been a weak fighter instead I had been able to further enhance my capabilities through the use of specialized gear.

    Sebas and the Pleiades stood before us along with Albedo standing off to the side. Momonga abruptly stood up likely panicked by the inability to open the console. I spoke to Momonga in an attempt to save face in front of the NPCs.

    “Momonga I see that you too have noticed that we are no longer in Yggdrasil?”

    “The console isn’t opening anymore, but does that really mean we aren’t in Yggdrasil anymore?”

    “Yggdrasil as a system never allowed us full use of our senses, and yet I have full use of my senses. That would be impossible in Yggdrasil.”

    Albedo raised her head to look up at us before speaking.

    “Masters is there a problem?”

    I quickly answered to stop Momonga from floundering.
    “Perhaps there is a problem Albedo. Sebas go scout the exterior of Nazarick to see if our location has changed along with the system. The security of the Tomb is paramount.”

    Sebas swiftly departed to deal with security concerns. Momonga seemed to calm significantly due to his status as an undead. He turned towards me and nodded in thanks. Albedo spoke up again.

    “Masters may I ask what you mean by the Yggdrasil system?”

    I responded to Albedo’s question with a reassuring smile.

    “The Yggdrasil system allowed ‘Players’ such as Momonga and myself to interact with the world of Yggdrasil from our own world. It also created the tier magic system to simplify magic for players.”

    Albedo swiftly bowed in thanks for the clarification. Momonga cleared his throat to draw everyone’s attention before speaking.

    “Albedo please go and gather the Floor Guardians for a meeting. Pleiades you are dismissed, I need to have a discussion with Nemesis.”
     
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  5. IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Feel free to post.
    Compliments, criticism, explanations of threadmarks I’ll take it all!
     
  6. RichardWhereat

    RichardWhereat Aia airëa Fëanáro.

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    I don't know Overlord, so I can't offer any complaints or criticisms. But always happy to see more JC stuff.
     
  7. udkudk

    udkudk Ziz says hi!

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    It's good.

    Just, chappter was too short.

    Also, if a chapter is shorter than 500 words, no alert will go to the people who watching the thread.

    Most people also doesn't look alerts that are shorter than 6-700 words.

    In my experience, it's better to write 1k words per chapter.
     
    RichardWhereat likes this.
  8. IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Alright thanks for the advice. It might take me a little while to create some longer chapters though.
     
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  9. Noxy

    Noxy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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    Your index is upside down.
     
  10. IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Honestly I just noticed that, and I have no clue as to how to fix it. I would be grateful if you or anyone else could help me with that. I have absolutely no experience with this sort of thing.
    Edit: I figured it out. I can't believe it took me that long to figure out.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2019
  11. Index: Overlord Part Two
    IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Overlord Part Two
    Immediately after the NPCs finished leaving the throne room Momonga turned toward me.

    “Nemesis if we aren’t in Yggdrasil anymore then where could we be? I also have to ask why you’re giving Albedo so much information?”

    “Momonga I have no way of knowing where we are, I just know that something has changed. As for Albedo and the rest of the NPCs, I think the best strategy is to give them something to prevent them from coming to their own conclusions.”

    “For all we know they are potentially a danger to us Nemesis, and yet you still give them information!”

    “Momonga these NPCs are the beloved creations of our friends and comrades! I can’t imagine any of them turning against the guild without provocation. They seem to have been granted far more awareness than we intended, but we have no reason to doubt their loyalty.”

    “I see your point Nemesis, but until we know the full extent of the changes I suggest we maintain a degree of caution around them.”

    I gave a brief nod of assent to Momonga before using my guild ring to teleport to my quarters. My quarters seemed to match up perfectly with my memories from Yggdrasil with my workshop off to the side of the room and an extravagant coffin placed on a dais. I approached my workshop checking the chests for the materials from the jumpchain finding an assortment of gleaming precious metals and gems. I began to work on creating an item just to check that my skills and magic did in fact work.



    I applied the finishing touches to my item before raising it for a brief inspection. The item was an impressive silvery ring glowing slightly with the power of its enchantment. I had enchanted it to summon a wind elemental on command. In Yggdrasil an elemental this weak would have barely been a challenge to a level 50 player, but in the New World it would be a dangerous opponent by most standards. I placed the ring in my inventory for future use before teleporting to the stadium for the meeting with the Floor Guardians. Momonga was there along with Aura and Mare having finished defeating the primal fire elemental. Momonga turned towards me before speaking.

    “Nemesis I am glad to see you here for the meeting although the rest of the Floor Guardians have yet to arrive.

    “I just finished checking that my enchantments and enchanting abilities weren’t impacted when we left Yggdrasil. I made a basic enchanted ring easily so as far as I can tell magic hasn’t changed at all with the transfer.”

    “I am glad to hear that Nemesis, it would be a problem if our magic stopped functioning.”

    Momonga put his hand to the side of his head for several moments before speaking to me again.

    “That was Sebas it seems that Nazarick has indeed moved into a grasslands area. We truly are removed from Yggdrasil not just the system.”

    Before I could respond to Momonga, a violet gateway opened letting out a short vampire with silver hair. The vampire Floor Guardian Shalltear rushed towards us with an ecstatic greeting. “My lords!” Momonga and I both turned to face her as she stopped before us to bow. I quickly equipped my divine tier equipment as Shalltear professed her everlasting love to Momonga. I joined Momonga in bemusedly watching Shalltear and Aura argue with each other. A deep voice cut through the sounds of the two Floor Guardians arguing.

    “What a ruckus. You two are playing around too much in front of two of the Supreme Beings our esteemed masters.”

    I turned to look at the new arrival Cocytus another one of the Floor Guardians a massive vermin lord. Momonga and I both greeted him before yet another voice spoke up.

    “Everyone, I apologize for making you all wait.”

    I turned yet again to look at the demon Floor Guardian Demiurge walking behind Albedo. I stood up to my full height straightening out my posture before looking at the assembled Floor Guardians. Albedo spoke up to the other guardians.

    “Now, everyone. To the Supreme Beings, the ritual of fidelity.”

    Shalltear stepped forward before bowing yet again.

    “The guardian of the first, second, and third floors, Shalltear Bloodfallen. I bow before the Supreme Beings.”

    Cocytus stepped forward next also bowing.

    “The guardian of the fifth floor, Cocytus. I bow before the Supreme Beings.”

    Aura and Mare stepped forward.

    “The guardian of the sixth floor, Aura Bella Fiora.”

    “A-also the guardian of the sixth floor, Mare Bello Fiore.”

    “We bow before the Supreme Beings.”

    Demiurge stepped forward next.

    “Guardian of the seventh floor, Demiurge. I bow before the Supreme Beings.”

    Albedo was the last one to bow.

    “The leader of the Floor Guardians, Albedo. I bow before the Supreme Beings. Other than the guardian of the fourth floor, Gargantua, and the guardian of the eighth floor, Victim, all guardians have gathered to bow before the Supreme Beings. Please give us your orders, Supreme Beings. We offer our complete loyalty to the Supreme Beings.”

    Momonga’s eyes flashed red before ordering them to raise their heads. Wisps of dark energy gathered around his body creating a dark aura.

    “You all have done well to gather here. Thank you.”

    The guardians all raised their heads from their bows. Albedo spoke up to Momonga.

    “Your thanks is wasted on us. We have all pledged our loyalty to you and the Supreme Beings. We vow to work hard and live up to the expectations of the Supreme Beings who created us. We vow this to you!”

    The other guardians echoed her vow to Momonga and I.

    “Wonderful, Floor Guardians! I am confident you will all be able to be able to fulfill your duties without fail!”

    Momonga proclaimed in a voice I was certain showed some of his relief. I stepped forward to make my own statement.

    “Floor Guardians, I am proud to see you here today showing your loyalty, and I am certain your creators would be proud to see you as well. I wish to establish a goal going forward that will require the assistance of all of Nazarick’s inhabitants. I hope to one day see all of Ainz Ooal Gown at the leading Nazarick once more!”

    At the end of my speech all of the Floor Guardians were wearing ecstatic expressions. I subtly glanced over at Momonga to see how he reacted, and he gave a brief nod to my own proclamation. Both of us used our rings to teleport away from the meeting. We landed in a wide corridor, and Momonga began to speak to me.

    “Nemesis what was that all about?”

    “I think that it is best to make use of their loyalty by giving them a task. If we succeed in bringing our guildmates here that is even more firepower and figures of authority to keep any potential revolts from happening. The Floor Guardians and the other npcs hold nothing but the highest respect for their creators, and the hope of a reunion should be all the incentive they need to stay focused and loyal.”

    “That is a wonderful idea Nemesis, and if I’m honest it’s a tremendous relief to know that you are here helping me. I don’t think I could have come up with a plan like that to keep us safe. I was always better at thinking up tactics for fighting bosses not strategy and whatever that was.”

    “I am glad to have you backing me up as well Momonga. That wouldn’t have worked at all without the authority of our great guildmaster backing my words up.”

    Momonga chuckled briefly before his lich nature wiped away his amusement. The two of us said our goodbyes before teleporting away to our respective quarters.



    I come bearing gifts in the form of a significantly larger chapter and potentially better writing? I was told my threadmarks were out-of-order so I fixed that too. The next chapter will probably feature the Floor Guardian's conversation away from the Supreme Beings. I hope it will properly reflect the changes brought about by jumper.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2019
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  12. Index: Overlord Interlude One
    IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    Overlord Interlude One(Shalltear)​

    Once the Supreme Beings had teleported away I finally raised my head to glance at the other Floor Guardians. They like me were unable to hold back their expressions of glee except for Albedo who seemed almost unhappy at the news. I was ecstatic at the idea of seeing my creator, lord Peroroncino, again, and the idea of Ainz Ooal Gown reuniting was an alluring idea in its own right. Demiurge was the first guardian to rise.

    “Well I for one am impressed by the ambition of the Supreme Beings. After all such a task is a chance for us to serve in ways I would not have thought possible.”

    I saw the other guardians nodding in agreement with his statement before Albedo stood.

    “I will stand with Momonga and Nemesis in their decision even though the other Supreme Beings left us behind. If this reunion, is their will then I must put aside my misgivings.”

    Demiurge glanced over at Albedo before turning fully to respond.

    “Albedo it is not our place to question the actions of the Supreme Beings much less pass judgment on them. I am certain our creators had some reason for leaving even though their departure pains me. I still rejoice at the prospect of seeing lord Ulbert once more!”

    I watched as Albedo ducked her head slightly at the rebuke. Demiurge began to speak again.

    “This task will be a grand but difficult undertaking, we must succeed in the name of the Supreme Beings. I however am unaware of where to begin with this task.”

    Demiurge’s tail swished nervously at the prospect of failing to bring back his creator. I stood up to speak next.

    “Demiurge, lord Nemesis said that Nazarick was no longer in Yggdrasil and perhaps there are unknown magics here that could help in our task? Lords Momonga and Nemesis are both powerful magic users as well and the task involves their comrades so I don’t think we will be alone in our mission.”

    Demiurge raised his hand to shift his glasses before staring at me intensely.

    “While it is true that this new world might offer new possibilities we should not become reliant on the Supreme Beings for assistance in our tasks. Such actions would reflect poorly on our ability as Floor Guardians. Any assistance from the Supreme Beings is to be cherished not demanded or else we risk disappointing our own creators.”

    I ducked my head somewhat embarrassed about Demiurge’s chastisement. ‘After all how would my failure to act on the orders of the Supreme Beings independently reflect on lord Peroroncino.’ Demiurge and the others began to argue about how to best go about filling their respective roles. I sat back and began to consider the two Supreme Beings currently with us. Lord Momonga was of course the brilliant mastermind responsible for leading Ainz Ooal Gown, and his loyalty to Nazarick and its inhabitants was as touching as it was unnecessary. After all the inhabitants of Nazarick, were only created to serve the Supreme Beings of Ainz Ooal Gown. Lord Nemesis was a powerful magic caster and the main creator of equipment for Nazarick. Equipment made by Nemesis had been given to Supreme Beings and even some Floor Guardians. I myself had a ring made by lord Nemesis that boosted my resistance to holy magic that lord Peroroncino claimed helped cover my few weaknesses. I had to conclude that Lords Momonga and Nemesis were likely the two best Supreme Beings for the task of reuniting Ainz Ooal Gown because of their skill sets.

    “Before Nemesis’s declaration, I was considering plans to have one of the Supreme Beings conceive an heir to preserve the legacy of Nazarick, but with this development I think Nazarick’s legacy is secure for eternity.”

    I leaned forward to stare at the somewhat sheepish looking Demiurge before snapping at him.

    “Demiurge do you really think anyone would be worthy of bearing the child of a Supreme Being?”

    Albedo cut into the conversation with a lovestruck expression on her face.

    “I would clearly be the first choice to bear lord Momonga’s children as the highest ranked in Nazarick capable of bearing his children.”

    Demiurge calmly stepped in before anyone could respond to Albedo’s outburst. His scorpion-like tail was practically wagging like that of an excited puppy and his grin was impressively wide as he made his most powerful statement of the meeting.

    “With all the Supreme Beings returning to the Great Tomb there is a possibility of children descended entirely from Supreme Beings. We could end up with the enormous honor of raising a new generation of Supreme Beings!”

    Demiurge’s ecstatic proclamation created a complete silence as everyone present froze in shock. Cocytus was the first to break the silence with almost incomprehensible mutterings about the honor of being the godfather of a Supreme Being. I could barely focus on anything except the images of adorable tiny Supreme Beings to raise.


    Hours later



    I finally reached my quarters still warmed by the thought of more Supreme Beings. I was greeted by one of my vampire brides who began to undress me for the evening. As I stood there waiting, I thought about lord Nemesis and his status as a vampire. He was a perfect example of the peak of vampire kind a Supreme Being, and despite the numerous urges instilled in me by my creator I could hardly stand to embarrass myself in front of him. He represented the height of what vampires could achieve, and I refused to represent the worst of vampires by acting foolishly. My vampire bride stepped aside its job done. I walked towards my own coffin to rest for the night, and as I fell asleep my dreams were filled with tiny heirs and proud vampires.
     
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  13. Crazael

    Crazael Could be wittier.

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    Well, this looks interesting. Though i have never understood why people who do these insist on using cheats like extra points and such.
     
  14. IamHere

    IamHere Getting out there.

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    I don't know about everyone else, but I use additional points because I suck at build optimization.
     
  15. Crazael

    Crazael Could be wittier.

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    Im not that good at it either but I still accept the cost of having to take drawbacks to get more than 1000 woth of CP.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2019
  16. Trek

    Trek The Ascendant

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    The Meta supplement gives 1000cp to spend on upgrades, you only spend 200cp, any reason? Other than that pretty good start, generally chapters should be over 1k words otherwise they only last for like 30 seconds of reading.
     
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