Mercenary DxD

Ozimyy felt the breeze blowing over the thin layers of her clothing. Her body shifted over to the opposite side to avoid the cold air. Her bed felt much harder than usual, drawing out a grumble before she tried to pry open her eyes.

She said trying because she found herself still dreaming. What she found when she finally opened her eyes wasn’t her familiar ceiling, but the night sky blanketed by stars… Yup, still dreaming. She didn’t remember falling asleep outside, nor does she recall being carried at all.

She would have noticed if she were touched by anyone.

Reaching towards her fan, she felt for the switch until she noticed that her arm touched nothing. Withdrawing her hand back to her chest, she found only the missing warmth of her blanket.

Was this really a dream? Sitting up with a clearing haze in her eyes, she scanned the environment around her and noticed another person lying on the ground. A dark haired fox girl with an abnormally fluffy tail laid on her side, facing her. She wore an obscene outfit, her chest threatening to burst out from it. The gold trim of the clothing wove together, depicting an amalgamation of feral beasts in one form against the black and grey canvas.

Blinking, she reached out to shake the girl awake. In mere moments after being touched the girl sat up ramrod straight, shifting her tail out of the way as she did so. Ears twitching, she sniffed the air in Ozimyy's direction. Tilting her head sleepily she frowned. "Huh? Whozzat?"

“Oi, Kitsu. I think we’re in an isekai again. For real this time…” Taking a sigh, Ozimyy gave a half hearted shrug.

Starting to become more aware of her surroundings, the girl named Kitsu looked at Ozimyy with a tired grin. "... Oh no."

Looking towards her body, she found herself wearing a white blouse along with a white skirt. The only thing that wasn’t white was her blue cape robe thing around her neck.

Kitsu leered over Ozimyy without a trace of shame. "Bruh. You look like a princess now."

“I mean, it’s not like I’m wearing a dress or a tiara…” Ozimyy responded before thinking a bit deeper. Not all princesses wear those things either. “Urm… Knights wear the stuff I’m wearing as well?”

Glancing at herself, Kitsu smirked. "Right, and I'm the Demon lord, the bane of all humans."

Ozimyy felt her eyes twitch momentarily before sighing. “More like a cult leader…”

Slowly rising from where she lay, Kitsu paused to look at her. "Wait, what the fuck? Actually?"

Ozimyy pointed towards the embroidery on her outfit. “I mean, that’s the impression I get from what you were wearing. I don’t think demon lords do eldritch.”

Looking over the imagery on her Chinese dress, she deflated with a sigh. "I see. I guess I'm from the beast cult. Specifically the fourth branch judging by the imagery."

“I see.” Ozimyy responded, unamused. “Any idea as to what to do now?”

Shaking her head, Kitsu flicked her ears. "Depends on what world we're in."

“I guess the first thing to do is to find that out, huh?” Shrugging, Ozimyy reached towards Kitsu to help her up.

Grasping her hands, Kitsu pulled herself the rest of the way up. After a few moments, her ears swivelled and she turned her gaze away from Ozimyy to focus on something. Her eyes soon widened in astonishment. "... No fucking way. Is that… Shirou?"

“Oh. Sorry I don’t recall who you were. Could you give me a reminder?”

Turning around, Ozimyy noticed an auburn haired teenager scratching his cheek, wearing what could only be described as the classic blue and white Shirou shirt.

Kitsu shook her head with a sheepish smile. "Sorry. It's just that you're kinda famous among my friends. You're apparently some kinda miracle handyman."

“Yeah, we heard the rumours even before we were in Fuyuki city.” Ozimyy chimed in, trying to act natural.

“Fuyuki city?” Shirou tilted his head. “I never heard of such a place.”

Chuckling for a moment, Kitsu tried to play it off. "Sorry, we're pretty new to Japan. She's probably just remembering when I showed her a snow covered version of the city while teaching her the language."

“Well, you two seem fluent for someone new here.” Shirou nodded. “Do any of you have a place to rest?”

“Uhhhh….” Ozimyy droned out, unable to respond.

Kitsu stared off into the distance, a fake mask of realization forming on her face. "You know what? I completely forgot about that."

“Do you at the very least know where you could book an apartment?” Shirou asked.

“Uhhhhh….” Ozimyy continued to drone out.

Shirou shook his head and exhaled before interjecting. “I suppose I could bring you to my house for the night then.”

~~Line Breakdance~~

Heading towards Shirou’s residence, Ozimyy was met with the sight of what could only be explained as a traditional Japanese manor. Traditional bamboo roof, stone walls, paper windows, wooden scaffolding. The usual. She never figured Shirou would live at such a place, but then again, it made a lot of sense seeing who Shirou’s adopted father was.

Slamming open the mansion’s gate doors, a black haired man in a black trench coat appeared in front of the three. "Shirou! Move away from them and towards me. We don't know what they are." The man exclaimed.

Shaking her head with a click of her tongue, Kitsu looked at the man with sad eyes. "Well. I identify as floof if that helps any. Besides, if I personally was here to cause trouble, I wouldn't be coming to your house."

The man grunted in annoyance. “Who are you, and what is your business here?"

Staring deep into his soul, Kitsu tried her best not to tear up at his horrid state. "You can call me Aiko. It's what I prefer anyway. My friend and I were offered a place to stay by this young man here. We're well aware of your business, and we'll keep our noses out of it. But if you require payment, my friend is very good at healing certain seemingly incurable ailments. Is that an acceptable payment for allowing us to stay for a short while?"

"Shirou, go to your room. Don't come out till I tell you too." The man did not face his son, his gaze never leaving from the two newcomers.

Ozimyy raised her arms in an attempt to de-escalate the situation. “Look, I think we came off from the wrong foot here. We’re not here to harm you or Shirou, really.”

Kiritsugu did not sound convinced. “Who sent you here?”

Slumping a bit where she stood, Kitsu, or rather Aiko became exasperated. "Bruh. If your son hadn't offered to bring us here, we wouldn't have come here. We literally just didn't have anywhere to go."

Glancing towards something in his coat’s pocket, the man sighed. “It seems that you weren't lying, or at the very least, you’re not planning on causing any harm as of yet.”

Lowering her arms, Ozimyy decided to chime in. “Hey if it helps, I really could just remove that curse you have on you.”

Despite lowering his guard somewhat, Kiritsugu still felt skeptical over the proposal. “And how do you plan on doing that?”

Scrambling her brain, Ozimyy attempted to find a compromise so Kiritsugu could finally stop the paranoia. “I got my Noble Phantasm. It could remove curses, if I were to reveal its name would you relax?”

Kiritsugu paused in thought, his eyes shifting left to right. “Fine, but not here. We’ll do it in the backyard.”

Giving off a sigh, Ozimyy followed the man to the backyard, but not before she made sure to close the gate and bring Aiko along with her.

Finally pausing, Kiritsugu turned to face Ozimyy. “You’ll cast your noble phantasm here, the bounded fields should prevent anyone from the outside from seeing us.”

“Right… Welp, here goes…” Taking a deep breath, Ozimyy proceeded to materialize a large golden sword staff on her hand before resting her eyes.

“The foreign nation… The end of time.” A golden light bathed the two once the aria began, obscuring the two before they disappeared, leaving Aiko behind.

“Yet the sword is in his hands. The castle wall is solidified, and the victorious battle cry shall echo far and wide.”

They appeared on top of a medieval castle with green spears orbiting behind themdf. Opening her eyes with righteous fire, Ozimyy exclaimed. “We shall carve out the cold and hard victory… Round of Avalon!”

Lifting the sword staff to the air, the light that brought them here returned them to the Emiya residence.

Tilting her head in confusion, Aiko blinked the stars out of her eyes. "Oh… Wow. Nice light show I guess."

Ozimyy slumped, knowing full well that Aiko didn’t see her noble phantasm. “Uhh, I mean it’s a reality marble so I didn’t expect you to see most of it.”

While she was busy with Aiko, Kiritsugu took a moment to check around his body. “So long as you don’t harm anyone here, you can stay as long as you want.”

Nodding, Ozimyy introduced herself. Pretending not to know him. “Oh, thanks mister…”

“Kiritsugu. Emiya Kiritsugu. ”

Staring at Kiritsugu with a deadpan expression, Aiko was incredibly nonplussed. "Owow. You literally just pulled a secret agent intro. Nice."

“Oh I’m… Iihito, I don’t have a last name.”

Kiritsugu nodded before opening a door to the residence. “We’ll be going with Smith then. Now if there isn’t anything else you want to show off, I’ll be showing you two to your rooms.”

 

I know i said slow updates, but we've got a backlog, and this is a really short omake. Will post the next chapter in a minute for context.

Just to note, All chapters ending in .5 are Omake that give context to stuff happening in other chapters, but aren't actually necessarily needed to enjoy the story.

Yes, I know the pov is different here. Just roll with it.

Anyway, Alanstrocity solo chap let's gooooo!

~~MD 1.5~~​

I love America. The land of the free and the home of the brave. Or crazy depending on who you ask. All of the sci-fi movies and fantastical movies that take place in America for the world to enjoy? Documentaries. We just have very good cameramen. Twilight doesn’t exist though. It just doesn’t. Honest Abe and his friend, Henry, made sure that never happened.

Why am I writing this? I’m stuck in a boat and I’m bored. I don’t know where it’s going, but that’s fine. I want to see how the rest of the world is coping with or ignoring the state of America.

The security of the boat is terrible! All I had to do was hide inside a cargo container in the dead of night. Unfortunately, when they put the container I was in on the ship, it got sandwiched between two other containers. Should have expected that, honestly. Good thing I brought a pen, some paper, and a flashlight!. No snacks though… Man this is gonna suck. At least I have a water bottle.

~~~~​

Day two! A little thirsty, but that can wait for tomorrow. Regrets are already setting in, but I am comforted. I shouldn’t mess with whatever is in here. Don’t want to cause anyone any unnecessary problems. The only thing I can do is bang on the wall and hum.

~~~~​

Day three. I drank all my water, sweet relief. I am beginning to hear voices. A lack of food and water will do that to a person. Voice sings. Screams hurt. Mind burns. All in all, the delirium is keeping me from going insane.

~~~~​

Four day! Last longer cannot be! A mistake. Light almost dead. No touch people stuff! Not nice. Not nice. Desert rising in throat. Head fuzzy. No water. Soon will be done. Soon.

Ok. I heard the ship horn. I must be close to shore. Well, nothing like going insane to keep my sanity. All I need to do is wait a little longer.

The crane lifted my crate up, it’s almost time to go. Wish me luck! Hopefully I’m somewhere where I can understand the language.

 

Aiko shifted around in her restless sleep. Rousing from her slumber, she uncurled her body and looked around the room. It was a decent-sized room with minimal decoration and tatami mat flooring. She heard someone clearing their throat and saw a very unamused Iihito staring back at her.

“Please don’t do that again. I think I only slept for 4 hours this time…”

Tilting her head as she got off her friend's legs, Aiko furrowed her brows. "How did I even end up here?"

“I don’t know, you kinda just plopped onto my legs all of a sudden…”

Aiko shuffled around the room, glancing at Iihito with a sheepish look. "I'm so sorry. I haven't sleep-walked for a few months, so I thought I was done with that. This is so embarrassing."

“It’s all good. Just taking note to lock my door the next time I sleep.”

Sniffing the air, Aiko smelled something delicious. Her eyes shone and her ears perked up in response to the sound of food cooking in the kitchen. "Right. I'm just going to go check on breakfast. I can smell it cooking right now."

“Mhm, I’mma just go brush my teeth. Be there for breakfast real quick.”

Nodding at the odd habit, Aiko walked out of the room and followed her nose to the kitchen where Shirou was cooking breakfast.

Shapeshifting herself to look more human, she snuck up behind Shirou, and spoke into his ear. "Hey. Need a hand with anything?"

“Oh, no. I’m almost done with everything. Thanks for asking though.” Shirou smiled before finishing off the final plate of breakfast.

Washing her hands in the nearby sink, Aiko looked around the kitchen. "Let me help set the table at least then."

“Oh no, I’m almost done with that too. The last plate was the one I was preparing for myself.” Shirou continued to smile.

Aiko walked over to go sit at the table with a quiet sigh. "Ah. Well. Okay. I'll just go wait for everyone else to be ready then."

Soon after she sat down she heard a loud slam, and a certain excitable tiger began to yell from the front door. "Shiiirrrou! FOOD!"

“Yes yes, breakfast is on the table. Please remove your shoes before entering the room.” Shirou responded, unfazed by Taiga’s sudden appearance, before placing his breakfast on the table.

Heading towards the table, Taiga glanced towards the new face in the room. “Who’s she?”

Aiko glanced at Kiritsugu with a questioning eyebrow. Receiving a nod, she smiled and got up to introduce herself. "Usagi Aiko. One of Kiritsugu's colleagues."

Looking between the two of them, Taiga decided not to press for details she probably didn't want to know. "Huh. Alright."

Walking into the room, Iihito took a seat before making a sign of the cross. Finishing off with a rather Japanese “Itadakimasu.” Clapping her hand together before taking a look at the breakfast infront of her.

Almost halfway done with her food, Taiga paused. "There's another one!?"

“Hmm?” Iihito looked back towards Taiga. “Can I help you?”

Finishing off her food, she slammed down her plate. "Are you also working with Kiritsugu?"

“In a way, I’m here to treat Kiritsugu’s conditions. He was experiencing severe lethargy and kidney disease, so Aiko brought me here to help out one of her colleagues.” Iihito answered before taking the first bite of her breakfast.

Looking as if she had come to a realization, Taiga leaned forward to examine Kiritsugu. Seeing that he seemed to be doing better, she leaned back and exclaimed, "So that's what it was! I knew he wasn't feeling well lately."

“Mhm, also you’re a teacher right? I’m quite underaged by Japanese standards so I’m meaning to find a school to attend to. Can’t get away from education if I’m just 13 years old, you know?”

Blinking as her mind caught up with the words being spoken, Taiga seemed to be experiencing the equivalent of a blue screen of death. "Wait. You're thirteen? Seriously?"

“Yeah… Just because I can patch people up a bit doesn’t mean I’m a fully fledged doctor.” Iihito said before going back to her meal.

Taiga looked at Kiritsugu and back at Iihito in slight agitation. "Kiri, you mean to say you hired a doctor that's not even out of grade school? Is she even qualified?"

“I didn’t hire her, Aiko did. And she was able to pull off what most doctors couldn’t.” Kiritsugu rested his eyes.

Looking up from her now finished meal, Aiko gave Taiga a knowing smile. "You get to know a lot of really weird people in our line of work. Some of them just happen to be actually amazing."

Iihito pretended not to listen in.

Tapping her finger on the table, Taiga made up her mind. "You know what? I'll ask around about getting you tested for school. I'm sure it will be good to actually get the graduation papers at least for proof of education if you want to go to university later on."

Nodding along, Iihito took a sip from her tea. “Mhm…”

~~Line break down~~​

A few days later, Taiga came back with a bundle of tests. Slamming them down on the table, she grinned at Iihito. "Alright. I grabbed some placement tests for the school I work for, since they had a few extra places this year fit students. I accidentally printed off a few too many copies though, so I thought we might as well have fun with it. Let's see who gets the best score!"

“Uhh, that seems kind of unfair…” Iihito attempted to chime in.

Laying her head on the table, Aiko sighed. "Extremely unfair. There is no way I'd beat her."

Shirou tilted his head in confusion. “Eh? Why so?”

“Aiko was a child soldier who grew up in an environment where traditional education wasn’t as important as learning ways to kill a man.” Iihoto clarified. “Ask her about how the human body works and she’ll come up with blanks, but ask what the important organs are and how disrupting such organs would kill a person. She'll be able to give you a bucket list of details, all of them in great detail.”

Taiga teared up at the implications of Aiko’s life. "That's terrible! What if you wanted out of that life? You can't get a normal job without an education! And what if you need to count the money on your paycheque? Here, do this test so I know how bad it is." She exclaimed as she slapped the tests down in front of them.

“I’ll go grab something you could use to write with,” Shirou said before leaving the room, returning minutes later with a pencil and an eraser.

“We’re not going to test her with a time limit are we?” Iihito asked, recalling her years in 12th grade. The time was honestly a bigger problem than her solving equations.

Thinking about it for a minute, Taiga tapped her chin. "We kinda have to, it's policy. I'll give her an hour and a half to finish it."

Groaning from where she sat with her face on the table, Aiko sat up and took the pencil and eraser. Sitting ready to tackle the stack of papers, Aiko gained a determined expression. "All right. I'm ready."

Drawing her phone, Iihito set the timer to an hour and thirty minutes. “Ok… And I’ll give you five minutes to review the questions before we begin. Don’t touch your pencil.”

Scanning over the documents, Aiko's face went from one of determination to one of horror, then despair set in. "I'm gonna fail so bad."

~~Later~~​

Iihito winced at Aiko’s papers. Taking a deep breath, she handed Taiga her phone. “I’m going to leave before I say anything that could influence her answers…”

Iihito quickly left the room shortly after.

Shirou on the other hand decided to help her out. “If you can’t answer a question, you could skip it and go back to it later.”

Kiritsugu suppressed the urge to facepalm.

~~Even Later~~​

The alarm rang out its jaunty tune, and the poor girl jumped out of her seat from surprise. "Wah! Done already? But I couldn't even answer half of them!"

Taking the papers and scanning through them, Taiga smiled at her. "Well, technically with the ones you did answer, that just means you are about second-year high school level."

With a dumbfounded expression, Aiko stared at Taiga in disbelief. "Seriously? That's crazy."

Looking over at Iihito, Taiga grinned in excitement. "Iihito on the other hand… You have beyond third-year level scores, but we should probably just put you in the first year so you don't stand out too much for your age."

“Sure, I’ll just tutor Aiko if she wants.”

Aiko decided to go for a walk with a heavy sigh. "Please do. Later though, I need some air to clear my head."

“Alright, just make sure you’re back before the sun sets.” Iihito shouted as Aiko left the door.

~~Walking? Sounds like fun!~~​

As Aiko walked down the pier, she noticed a large ship sailing into a nearby dock. Settling in to watch it unload for a bit, she heard a loud commotion happening somewhere on the ship itself. "Huh, I wonder what's happening."

Deciding to get a closer look, Aiko wandered over to see what was up.

Two sailors chased a young man on the deck. When they cornered the stowaway, he decided to jump over the railing and into the water. The sailors yelled in alarm and looked over the edge, seeing nothing but the blue water. The young man surfaced under the dock out of their sight. After failing to bring him in, they cursed and walked away to help with unloading.

Calling out to him, being wary not to draw any attention, she motioned for him to follow her. "Come find me when you escape."

He nodded and looked around for any way to get out unnoticed. Seeing an open sewage pipe near him that seemed large enough, he grimaced and crawled inside.

Watching this with a grimace of her own, she walked her way along the dock to the nearest manhole that was out of sight, and away from the docks. Gripping the manhole cover with her bare hands, she lifted it off and looked inside. A minute later, the man emerged from it, his body covered in a brownish-grey sludge. He took a deep breath of the urban air, his scrunched face softening. He tried to smile but achieved only a disgusted frown. “You called for me?”

Plopping the manhole cover back where it was supposed to be, Aiko shrugged. "Let me just hose you down first."

Pulling out a super soaker from behind her back, she sprayed him down with medium-high pressure and almost hot soapy water. She did a full circle around him, making sure to get every inch of the filth off of his body. She even left him smelling vaguely of mint. "That should do it."

He shook some of the water off, spitting out what got in his mouth. “Much appreciated, but how?”

With a shake of her head, Aiko stifled a laugh. "Ufufu. It's just one of the perks of my NFF Services. Let's walk while we talk, the air here is still foul."

He scratched his chin, his eyes squinting a little as he let out a sly smile. “Fine then. Keep your secrets oh ‘Great and Powerful One.’ Make sure to keep the knife off of my back, okay?”

With a nostalgic smile, Aiko sighed. "Hah. You remind me of a good friend of mine. He was really fun. It almost makes me wonder."

His eyebrows scrunched up a smidge, his smile growing wider. “Can I ask what his name is? There is only one of me, but a close second will be fun to learn about.”

Turning to him with a sly smile of her own, Aiko had an inkling feeling that he was someone she knew, and she hoped she was correct. "I knew him as Alanstrocity. He was an absolute treat to write with. We meshed really well."

His eyes widened in surprise before he broke out into a grin. “Well! If it isn’t the fox girl addict. Have you become what you so desperately wanted to have?”

Smiling, Aiko began to lead him back to where she was staying. "Kind of. But technically my servant form is also a bunny."

“Unfortunate. Still, you’re a floof. So not all is lost.”

Aiko guided him along the sparsely populated streets and back towards the Emiya residence. "Well. If you come with me, I'll see about getting you set up where I am staying for now. You'll probably need to convince them yourself though, I'm really not good at people stuff."

He nodded his head with gusto. “Sure! Oh, I go by Raynell now. Lead onwards! I’m dying of malnutrition!”

Nodding with a smile, she brought them to a stop in front of a large manor. "I can hear that. Your guts are trying to eat themselves." she noted. "I should tell you my name before we go in. Aiko is my chosen name in this world and Usagi is my family name. Usually in Japan they use Family names unless you're super close, so that means you can call me Aiko. Also, you'll probably be able to get away with it in most cases anyways, since you're extremely obviously a foreigner."

Walking up to the door, she knocked three times, and called out to the owners. "Mr Emiya! I'm back!"

Walking towards the gate door, Kiritsugu stared blankly towards the two.

“Aiko, who is that person you brought along with you?”

Waving to Raynell's… Everything, Aiko beamed. "A friend from back home! I wasn't expecting him at all!"

“A… friend?” Kiritsugu raised his brow.

Raynell nodded his head. “Yup! Caught word that Aiko was heading to Japan. Didn’t have the money for the ticket though. Kinda had to become a stowaway…”

Kiritsugu deadpanned. “Excuse me for a moment.”

Minutes later he came back with Iihito. “Can you repeat what you had just said to me?”

“Oh, hey Alan.” Iihito waved toward him.

“Hey!” Raynell’s face lit up, then his face began to scrunch. “I’m sorry dude. I recognize your face, but it’s really hard for me to remember names.”

“Really? That’s a surprise, I usually show up as a red vampire loli in front of you.”

“Huh, must have changed make-up, haven’t you Ozzy?” He pumped his fist in excitement.

“Nah, someone just shoved it to my face when I was asleep.” Turning towards Kiritsugu Iihito asked. “So, what do you need me for?”

“Originally I intended for you to see if he was lying or not. However, seeing how friendly you are acting in front of him, I’ll assume he is friendly.” The man admitted. “I’m assuming you want to strike the same deal as last time?”

Raynell scratched his cheek. “A roof over my head and full blown meals? Definitely! With me here, you don’t need to worry about any medical bills!”

“We already have someone who could do that,” Kiritsugu responded before being interrupted by the person in question.

“Mine is a noble phantasm, also it only cures things. It doesn’t heal. I think it’ll be smarter if I didn’t have to reveal my noble phantasm’s true name whenever someone needs to remove a curse would it not?”

“You have a point.” Kiritsugu nodded. “Very well, so long as you are of no harm to our family.”

 

Name: Aiko Usagi
Age: 15
Class: Beast
Servant: Tamamo Vitch Koyanskaya
Height: 1.5 meters
Voice: Kaga (Ai Kayano)
Specialties: Politics, History, Genre savvy.

 

Name: Iihito Pendragon

Age: 13

Class: Grand Caster

Servant: Artoria Pendragon (Caster)

Height: 1.61m

Specialties: Math, Science, Magic

Voice:

Touhou LostWord - Youmu Konpaku『Disillusion』
Touhou LostWord - Youmu Konpaku (Cherry Blossom)
Touhou LostWord - Youmu Konpaku
Touhou LostWord - Mysterious Sword Master Youmu Konpaku

Alt images:

(Chapter 1-9)

 

Name: Raynell Médico

Grand Rider

Servant: Saint Martha

Height: 1.72 meters

Age: 15

Voice: Inigo Montoya

Specialties: Creativity, language, and faith

 

In his new room, Raynell lay sleeping. The first rays of sunlight shone through the windows and touched his face. He blinked himself awake before noticing something odd. Laying curled up on his feet was Aiko, happily drooling in her sleep.

Not having any of it, he rolled her off of his legs and got up. He felt his stomach rumbling and decided to head to the kitchen after putting his blanket on the sleeping Aiko. He roamed through the halls, looking for any sign of food. After ten minutes of aimless wandering, he saw his friend and Shirou cooking. “Good morning! What do ya have cooking?”

“Oh you know, rice and rolled eggs with seaweed salad and green tea on the side. Miso soup, grilled fish with grated daikon radish and boiled eggs. How’s the night by the way?” Iihito responded.

“Slept like a dream. It’s so nice to finally have a bed to sleep on. Woke up with the fluffball on my legs though. She’s still asleep.” He looked around the kitchen and into the dining hall. “Oooh! I’ll be at the table. Call me when it’s ready!”

“Kay.”

Setting himself down, he began to hum to himself a merry tune, swaying his head back and forth. He tapped the table to compliment his impromptu melody, the smell of the food making him salivate.

Slamming the door open, Taiga roared her usual greeting. "SHIROU! FO- who's that?"

Silence was all that greeted her.

A short while after, a still wet Aiko sat beside Raynell with a towel in her hair. "Hey Tiger."

Rounding on Aiko, Taiga roared yet again. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING TIGER?"

Iihito pretended she didn’t hear Taiga berate Aiko.

Raynell looked on in confusion. “Tiger?”

Pointing at the poor confused man, Taiga yelled at him as well. "Don't call me that!"

Snickering, Aiko whispered to Raynell. "I'm literally saying her name, but in Japanese. Tora. It really doesn't register until I point it out though huh?"

Nodding in understanding, he asked Taiga, “What’s your name then?”

Glancing over him from her seat, Taiga introduced herself. "Fujimura Taiga."

He smiled. “Pleasure to meet you, Taiga! My name’s Raynell.” He stuck out a hand for a shake.

Placing Taiga’s breakfast on the table, Iihito interjected. “Forgive him, he is a foreigner. He isn’t used to Japanese customs.”

“It was a bit of a surprise for me too when I first met him.” Shirou said, placing Aiko’s and Raynell’s meals on the table.

Kiritsugu nodded along. “Yes, he’s an associate of Aiko. He just got to Japan. He was a stowaway who snuck here, we’re working on identification as we speak.”

Raynell eyed the meal in front of him. “That’s right! After eating nothing for days, I can’t wait to dig in.”

“Well, we’ve prepared lots of food. Feel free to eat your fill.” Shirou smiled, resting his eyes.

“Oh, and give me a review of the food I’ve prepared too. I’m no Shirou but I think it’s at least passable right?” Iihito added.

Having finished her plate, Aiko held up a card with a seven on it. Where did she get the card? Nobody knows. There was a marker in her lap, however.

Raynell was enjoying his food too much to comment about anything. Just a moan of delight as he gorged himself.

Kiritsugu consumed his breakfast in silence while Shirou gave off a smile towards Iihito.

In her usual boisterous fashion, Taiga loudly made her judgement. "Seconds please!"

Shirou stood up, to grab Taiga seconds.

“Well, I guess that means good enough, I suppose.” Iihito shrugged before returning to her meal.

Deciding to make a bit of conversation while she waited for her second bowl, Taiga looked over at Raynell. "So. You must be of legal age right? There's a party going on with the school staff later, but a plus one is mandatory…"

Raynell scrunched his face in disgust for a moment. “I don’t drink, but I’ll gladly go to the party!”

Taiga began to puff up her chest in falsified pride. "That's fine. As long as you're old enough to get in, that won't be a problem. They just couldn't handle me last time after a few drinks."

Aiko snickered, and poked him in the ribs and whispered in his ear. "Unless you want a major headache, we should probably redirect her from that idea."

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll be fine. There aren’t many things that can annoy me. As long as they have non-alcoholic snacks and drinks, I’ll be happy.”

Smirking, Aiko's breath tickled his ear. "Heh. Don't say I didn't warn you."

“Sounds like a skill issue on your end.”

~~Aiko and Raynell playing a video game. Aiko is frustrated.~~​

Later that day when night had almost fallen, Taiga was waiting for Raynell outside the front gate. Waving him over, she kick started her scooter, and patted the backseat. "Come on! We're almost late!"

Raynell hopped on and yelled, “GO! GO! GO!” and laughed when she twisted on the gas. Immediately, the two of them ran into a red light, a slew of vehicles blocking their path to the bar. Raynell tapped her left shoulder, causing her to lightly press the front brake. He then twisted her shoulders when the rear wheel lifted off from the ground, causing the bike to twist until they were facing backwards. Then he pulled back on her, causing the rear wheel to slam on the street. The resulting force caused the bike to flip haphazardly in the air. Bystanders watched in bafflement at how the scooter flew over the busy intersection and landing on the other side facing the correct direction. “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Parking in front of the Neko Hanten, Taiga cheered. "WHOOO! HELL YEAH. DAMN I'M GOOD."

Shutting off her bike, she dragged Raynell into the party, where some of the staff for the school were already drinking without her. It seemed that they expected her to be a no-show, considering a few of them spat out their drinks when they saw her enter.

One of them forced a smile after wiping some of the alcohol off of his suit. “Taiga! You’re here… Where did you find a plus one for you?”

Taiga shrugged. "He just showed up on the Emiya family's doorstep one day. I decided he'd do just fine."

Raynell nodded his head. “That was yesterday. Stowed away on a ship to see a friend. Turns out she lives next door to Taiga. One pleasant talk over breakfast later and here I am!”

A woman in a yellow dress dropped her glass. “Stowa- Taiga, you brought a STOWAWAY here!?”

Waving it off as if it wasn't a big deal, Taiga seemed impatient for a drink. "Don't worry about it. I can vouch for him." Taking a deep breath, she sighed. "He's good enough for Kiritsugu at least."

Raynell scratched his cheek, looking away from everyone’s intense gazes. “He only let me in because my friends were there.”

An older gentleman choked on his drink. "There are more of them?!"

“More of who? I don’t know what’s going on. Is Kiritsugu someone important around here?”

A man dressed in priestly robes spoke in a slow, deep baritone. "Mr. Emiya finds it hard to trust people. That he let you into his home is really interesting."

Raynel nodded in acknowledgment. “I noticed. He remained skeptical until he brought my friend out to verify.”

Speaking up from where she was at the table, Taiga slurred her words. "Yuh shee? Ees gud."

“Huh… She’s a real lightweight, isn’t she.” Raynell shrugged his shoulders. “Seems like I got my work cut out for me.” He got himself a small plate and grabbed some appetizers from the table. He ate each of them with pleasant slowness, savoring every bite.

Slamming open back another drink, Taiga roared, smashing the cup on the ground. "BRING ME ANOTHER!"

The priest continued to stare at Raynell with a curious expression but said nothing.

“Miss Fujimura, please slow down. At this rate, you are going to black out before the main course arrives.” A man called out, trying to tend to her,

Looking as if she was going to fall over in her seat, Taiga drunkenly reached for another drink. "S'okay, I got thish."

Raynell sighed as he walked over to Taiga and bopped her hard on the head. The glaze over her eyes cleared as she became lucid, a slight slur still in her voice. "H-hey! Not cool!"

“D… Did she actually sober up from that?” A woman asked, seeing Taiga in a not-so-drunken state.

He raised a lazy thumb. “A bit. It’s a Médico family technique. The women use it to get the men to pay attention to them instead of blacking out.” He saw Taiga drink another round and grimaced. “Not going to be as effective the second time…”

“Oh, I see…” The woman said before pretending to draw her focus elsewhere.

The priest's eyes shone in recognition of the technique.

~~One drunken tiger later~~​

Singing a popular Japanese song so loud that the windows nearby were rattling, Taiga clung tightly to Raynell's back. "You wrap your arms around me~" She sang before they got on the scooter and shot off towards the Emiya residence. Nothing out of the ordinary happened as he decided to take things slow and enjoy the scenery. While driving, he drove past an abandoned park. The wrongness that permeated from it ate at him, and he decided to do something about it.

He parked Taiga’s scooter at the edge of the road. Not wanting to leave her alone, he slung her arm around his shoulder and walked to the center. He set Taiga down on a tree, crossed his arms, and began to pray. “Dear Heavenly Father. I thank thee for allowing me to see two of my dear friends once more. And for protecting me and guiding me in this new world. I ask of thee to heal this place so that people could return and have good memories as they once had. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Peace filled his chest as the moon above shone brighter, holier. The evil pervading the park lifted, and the foliage seemed more welcoming than the oppressive aura it once had.
Satisfied, he slung Taiga’s arm back over his shoulder and made his way to the scooter again. He drove back home in silence and pondered about the future of the park. Going back in a few days seemed appealing.

Back at the manor, Aiko sat on the front porch with a bored look on her face, cleaning what could only be a Fat-man miniature rail nuke launcher as she reassembled it. Raynell saw her and asked, “Where did you get that?”

Perking up, the nuke launcher disappeared from her hands. "Where did I get what?" She asked with false innocence.

“Yeah, one of her powers is to spawn guns. Rocket launchers are technically guns so yeah… She got herself a nuke launcher.” Iihito walked in, noticing Raynell’s question and a barely conscious Taiga.

With a finger on her lips, Aiko winked. "Shh. That's a secret."

Raynell shrugged his shoulders, jostling Taiga a bit and startling her. “Ok. I think me and Taiga need to sleep. It was a bit rough handling her, but overall, it’s been a fun night!”

“Right, just make sure she isn’t drunk. I’d rather not deal with Taiga with a hangover the next morning.” Iihito said before giving off a yawn.

 

{Accidentally posted out of order... Bruh.}

High above in the world, within the 6th layer of heaven, a twelve winged angel with wings of brilliant gold sat upon a throne not his own: Michael, the 'king' of heaven.

After a few minutes of resting his eyes, he felt a harsh tug on the controls of the heaven system. His eyes widened in alarm, and he cried out in agony as his wings flickered darker for a split second until finally the pain stopped. "What was that!? Who could possibly seize control of the system in such a way, even if temporary?"

He called forth the angel Rhatmantus, who was bestowed with the “Eyes of God.” A power that allowed him to “observe” the Earth below. "Rhatmantus, Come forth and tell me what you see. Can you find me the one who attempted to usurp my control over the heavens?"

A sneer formed on the angel’s face. “Gladly. The powers of God do not belong in mortal hands.” He raised his arms and pulled them apart, his eyes glowing white as a circular window began to form. Viewing through it, they both saw a man riding a scooter with a drunken lady clinging to his back.

Watching the scene with twitching eyebrows, he began to sigh. "We will need to keep an eye on those two. Send Gabriel, she would be our best bet to gain any information from the man at least. Even if it does ruin his relationship, it will simply be his punishment for being unfaithful to his wife."

~~Oh Michael, you naughty, naughty boy.~~​

Checking the letter she received, Gabriel cocked her head to the side. "Oh my, another mission? I wonder what it will be like this time. Hmm. I hope nobody minds if I stop for an ice cream on the way."

She streaked across the sky in a ball of light, landing in the forest near the city. Believing her normal robes to be too obvious for her ‘Super Secret Spy Mission,’ she wore a deep blue business suit with gold cuffs. To her dismay, the top buttons wouldn’t fit in the holes. She blamed her tailor. She walked out of the forest and used her divine sight which she dubbed, ‘Spy eyes,’ to search for the fabled ice cream. To her delight, She found her target AND the ice cream in the same place. With a hop and a skip, she went on her merry way.

The sudden arrival of the angel caused the short woman with her target to snort half of her soft serve peanut butter ice cream by mistake. The rest of it was decimated by a sneeze. "Ha-kchu!"

“That’s going to be a pain to clean. I think we need to leave a tip.” Raynell looked at the sludge spattered over the counter, walls, and a disgruntled employee. “Make it a big one.”

Putting five one thousand yen notes on the table, Aiko grabbed the last clean napkin and cleaned herself off.

Gabriel called over to the ice cream boy, “Hey! Can I get a triple scoop Vanilla Caramel?” She bounced on the stool as the man scooped the ice cream onto the sugar cone. A sight that some of the other patrons were far too happy to watch.

Seeing that everyone was distracted, Raynell opened a Ziploc bag and sprinkled some Fruity Pebbles on his ice cream. A lemon sorbet to fill him with citrusy sweetness.

Tossing another 650 yen on the counter, Aiko called out her next order. "Okay. Today is not my day. Let's try an ice cream sandwich instead. The double chocolate brownie one." The man behind the counter nodded and went to grab one. He gave it to Aiko still in the wrap and left to take other orders.

Having just finished her ice cream, she zoned in on her target who also was wearing a fancy vest. ‘This really is a spy mission!’ She giggled with a sweet tingle as she draped herself over Raynell. The sudden force of her weight caused his ice cream to fall off the cone, landing on the counter with a wet ‘plop.’ He gazed at it for a long time before sighing and acknowledging the lady on his shoulder. “I liked that ice cream.”

Her face morphed into one of sheer terror. “Oh no! He found me out. Now, what can I do to escape?” Her eyes darted to the empty cone in his hand, and a devious smile formed. “Yes. Yes! YES! I crush the cone and run away when he starts to CRY! Plan start in three. Two. On-”

Smacking Gabriel on the ass hard enough that the sound was of a similar decibel to a thunderclap, Aiko stood behind her, hand now smoking from the friction of her motion against the air. "Bitch please, just fucking apologize already."

“AHHH! Everyone is in on it! I surrender!” She let go of Raynell and prostrated herself towards him.

Raynell turned to Aiko. “Did you really have to slap her there?”

Shrugging, Aiko turned away with a light, frustrated blush. "Couldn't reach her face without hitting you in the process."

“Okay.” He kneeled down and tapped Gabriel on her head. When she looked up with a pale frown, he asked with great confusion, “Why… did you do this? I don’t even know you.”

“Uhhhhhhh.” She shifted her eyes left and right, looking for a way out. ‘Don’t tell him you’re here to spy on him. Don’t tell him you’re here to spy on him.’

“Wait. You’re spying on me?”

With a wail, she grasped her head. “NOOOOOOOO! I SAID IT OUT LOUD!!!!”

Staring at the angel in disguise, Aiko decided to take a seat on Gabriel's back. "If you're not gonna apologize, you should at least take me flying."

“I can’t fly. You’re blocking my wings!” She pouted as she stood up.

"Sounds like a skill issue" Aiko commented, shifting onto Gabriel's shoulders.

Raynell finished wiping down the counter before pulling Gabriel by the arm. “Let’s just take it outside. She’s tearing up already.” Gabriel then started to cry at the public humiliation.

Seeing that Gabriel had started to cry, Aiko patted her on the head condescendingly, enticing the poor angel to cry even harder.

“Please, let’s just get out of here. I’m getting a bit of second-hand embarrassment.” They return to their mansion, bringing the poor angel along with her, since Aiko refused to get off.

After some time passed, they arrived at the front gate. Raynell opened the gate and allowed Gabriel to pass through before closing it behind them. The creaking of the ancient gate reverberated through their bodies.

Guiding her towards the door, Aiko called out for Kiritsugu. "Hey, Kerry! Can I get a hand here?"

Kiritsugu approached the gate. Unamused by the nickname. “Another one of your friends I suppose?”

Patting her on the head, Aiko smirked. "Nope. This one was spying on Raynell for some reason. Really badly at that. What do we do with her?"

Raynell patted the Angel on the back. “She’s been crying nonstop and wouldn’t answer any questions. Maybe if she’s separated from us, she’ll calm down enough.”

“I see.” Grabbing his walther ppk, he pointed it toward Gabriel before flicking the safety off. “I know where to dispose of her body without anyone noticing.”

Raynell stood in front of Gabriel. “Please don’t. It’s obvious that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. The ones that sent her here must be very incompetent and neglectful of their footmen.” Gabriel's cries turned into bawling after he finished. Raynell sighed, “See what I mean?”

Lowering his pistol, he clicked his tongue before flicking the safety off and holstering the weapon. “Very well, what do you wish to do with her?”

“A simple interrogation. Then we’ll see what else to do when you’re done.”

“And you want me to take over the interrogation?” Kiritsugu raised a brow.

Aiko smirked. "Better you than me."

Raynell grabbed Aiko off of Gabriel and carried her inside. “I’ll be waiting in the living room.”

~~Kiritsugu slams the table before lifting Gabriel by the scruff of her shirt. “WHERE IS THE INTEL! WHO DO YOU WORK FOR” *slap*~~​

Gabriel was sitting down in a very plain room with just a table and a chair. She looked at her interrogator in absolute terror. ‘I’ve been captured by the HUMAN MAFIA! Okay. Calm down. Just think. Raynell seems to be at the top with Aiko as his second hand man. Or is it woman? This scary guy seems to be their torturer for information. DON’T PANIC. Don’t reveal ANYTHING to him no matter what he does.’ Her face hardens a bit and stares at him with icy steel.

Noticing Gabeiel’s mana spiking, Kiritsugu pulled out his pistol. Giving the gun a wipe. “Do not assume you’d be sa-”

“I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW, PLEASE DON’T HURT ME MR. SCARY MAN!!!” She began shaking, on the verge of tears.

Pausing for a moment, Kiritsugu decided it would be better to just go with it. “Very well, who do you work for?”

“H-heaven.”

“And why has heaven sent you to spy on us?”

She tapped on the table. “Not on all of you. Just Raynell. He seemed to be able to call upon the powers of heaven even though it’s under the full control of Michael. Your boss is very scary.”

Kiritsugu decided it would be better to go along with it rather than correcting her. “And why has heaven sent you of all people to spy on Raynell?”

She puffed her chest out in pride, causing a button to snap off. “I’m one of their top agents!”

Kiritsugu took a deep breath. “So Reynell was correct. Your faction is very incompetent and neglectful of their agents.”

Gabriel slammed her head on the table with a pitiful whine.

“And not only are they neglectful, but they also do not know the first thing to do when an agent gets themselves captured.”

She raised her head with an embarrassed slowness. “They don’t check in on me whenever I get sent on a mission. The next time they see or hear from me is when I go back to give them a report.”

Kiritsugu was unimpressed, resting his eyes he held back the urge to massage his temples. “It seems that the heaven faction is very neglectful of their agents to the point of self-sabotage. How you managed to get away with this is a mystery. I could only hazard a guess that the only reason you managed to get away was because of how ridiculous you act, to the point where they all assume you were a silly cosplayer.”

Unable to take the abuse any longer, Gabriel fainted.

Kiritsugu resisted the urge to groan at the pitiful display of the angel in front of him. “This woman is going to reveal Magus to the entire world at this rate.”

Standing up, he left the room to grab a bucket of water to throw onto the angel’s face.

“Blblblblblblll AHHH!” Gabriel pawed at her own face in an attempt to dry off. She tried shooting a glare at him. “What was that for?”

Kiritsugu remained unimpressed. “Listen here, I am not about to risk having an incompetent reveal the world of magus to the public. Especially one who would break immediately before I even started the interrogation.”

“W-what are you going to do to me?”

“I cannot, even in good faith, allow you to go back to the public until you learn how to properly conduct basic espionage.”

Her eyes began to sparkle as she let out a gasp. “Are you going to teach me to be a SUPER SPY?!”

Kiritsugu could not resist rubbing his temples. “These are BASIC espionage skills. You will be taught enough skills to conduct BASIC spy work.”

She nodded with vigor as she pulled out a notebook and pen from her cleavage. “I’m ready!”

“Firstly, do not do that in public. You’ll risk losing your chastity if you continue. Those who tend to store equipment from their cleavage are prepared to conduct sexual acts to complete their mission.”

Gabriel turned a deathly pallor as the words sunk in.


{... If it's between a set of ~~ it's probably just a joke used for a line break.}

 

Iihito took a deep breath, observing the intricate architecture of Kuoh Academy. The school reminded her of the exact same school she had gone to before this world. Minus the decorations, because dear god does this school look generic. And old. Like, she saw 1800’s architecture as more modern looking than this school…

She supposed that the Japanese don't pay as much attention to architecture as the Australians.

“So Taiga told me to wait in front of the school gate for my guide…” Iihito reached towards her chin. Glancing towards her phone, the internal clock displayed 6:55 am. Hearing footsteps, she glanced toward the source of the sound. A black-haired girl in glasses and a bob haircut.

Internally Iihito sighed upon seeing Sona’s presence. Though she made sure to suppress her mana, it certainly wasn’t enough to hide herself from anyone familiar with the supernatural.

“I suppose you are our new student?” Sona asked, giving off a smile that reeked of insincerity.

“Indeed, I’ve finished the documents and the entry tests just a few days prior.” Iihito responded as she responded with a fake smile of her own.

"Iihito Smith, I presume?” Sona asked while maintaining her smile, unaware that her eyes could detect the truth from lies.

Giving off a light chuckle, Iihito nodded. “That’s me.”

Resting her eyes, Sona turned around before facing the school gate. “Very well, follow me.”

~~Later~~​

Entering the reception, Iihito observed a room holding a woman behind a solid wooden desk. Brown and square, not the same as the curvy sleek style she was used to at her school.

“I’m sure you have already seen this area beforehand when you were doing your placement test. However, it does not hurt to be given a refresher. This is the reception area where any visitors to the school may head towards to answer their questions. Or when any student happens to be caught late.”

Nodding towards Sona’s expression, Iihito followed her out of the room.

~~Later~~​

Feeling the sun hovering above her head, Iihito found herself looking at a statue surrounded by a round concrete surface and grass at the outer edges. A little bland for Iihito’s tastes, the concrete wasn’t even painted.

“This is the courtyard. As you already know, this is the place students will lay their eyes upon before heading toward their classes. To our left is the gymnasium, the facility for all those related to physical education. Right next to the gymnasium is the pool and the track field.”

Turning to her left, Iihito laid her eyes upon a concrete building covered in green lines, periodically broken up with glass planes. Although the gym was quite generic, she was surprised to see the pool outside in the open over being indoors.

What truly stood out, however, was the track. Although the track in itself was not new to Iihito, the fact that it was inside school grounds was something she only saw in her elementary school years.

“And to our right is the school garden, where most students go to rest or exercise when they wish to be away from the gymnasium for a change. Further to the right is the kendo dojo and the archery dojo. They were made for the kendo and archery club, respectively.”

Nodding along, Iihito shifted her head to the right. Sure enough, her eyes bore sight of a field of grass along with a circular wall of leaves surrounding a grey fountain. Very unlike her old school, which just has a patch of grass near a soccer field.

~~Later~~
​

Iihito scanned the hallways. Unlike the courtyard, Iihito did not find anything that stood out from them. The rooms bearing only white cubed lockers lined up before a long line of classrooms.

“These are the first-year classrooms. As you can guess, this is where you’ll naturally be spending most of your time. At the end of the hallway is the lecture hall where those in your year level would meet up for a meeting.”

Walking towards the lecture hall, Iihito saw the familiar sight of red curtains covering a stand, along with a staircase surrounded by a valley of chairs.

“As you can see, this assembly hall is too small to house every student in the entire school. If you follow me, I’ll show you where everyone would head towards should they want the entire school to meet together.”

~~Later~~
​

Seeing the familiar sight of chairs, staircases and curtains covering the stand, Iihito mused at how similar the lecture hall looked to the one she was seeing now. The only difference she noticed was how upscaled it was, easily able to house four or more of the first grade lecture hall.

“And this is the assembly hall, this is where students would meet up when there is an important meeting that needs to be announced. Or to act as another lecture hall should you have a guest.”

Iihito nodded, pretending to remain intrigued. Assembly halls were not new to her.

“And that concludes our tour, however before I leave you, I believe we have enough time to discuss if you are interested in joining any clubs?”

Noticing Sona’s intention leaking out, Iihito shook her head. “Unfortunately I won’t be free to do any club activities until some time, perhaps mid year? Will be willing to do favors for clubs however, so long as people pay me back however.”

“Very well, I’ll keep that in mind. You are to be in class 1-A in 20 minutes, I’ll be heading off to finish off some documents. Good day.”

Walking out of the assembly hall, she noticed white hair retracting from the entrance. Likely trying to not be seen by her.

~~Line/break~~​

In a classroom full of young teens, a tiger began to roar. "Sit down and listen up!"

She waved her hands at the newcomer beside her. "We have a new student today, treat her kindly alright?" Was this her cub? Or just someone under her protection.

Upon entering the room, the only thing that popped up on most of the student’s minds was the word princess.

“Greetings, my name is Iihito Smith. I came from Australia, I hope we can get along.” She bowed before standing back up.

A young man with glasses at the very back of the room adjusted said spectacles and began to speak. "B8-" He soon found his mouth filled with a bar of soap out of nowhere.

Iihito smiled with a hint of smugness. Her sizes remain an unknown. For now at least.

In a stroke of bad luck, he swallowed the soap by mistake. Belching a few bubbles in surprise, he began to wobble in his chair. Soon, he fell over into his desk, unconscious and unresponsive.

Matsuda shook his friend, who was frothing at the mouth and called out to him while he dragged him to the infirmary. "No! don't die~! I need to know!"

Dematerializing the bar of soap, Iihito pretended she didn’t just force him to swallow an entire bar of soap.

Oh speaking of… Issei suddenly found a bar of soap in his mouth.

Issei jumped out of his seat, spitting out the soap. "Blegh! What was that for!"

“What was what for?” Taiga said, noticing Issei standing up for seemingly no reason.

Looking down for the soap, he couldn't find anything at all. "What? But I swear I tasted soap!"

“You know, when you daydream hard enough to trick your brain, you actually feel what you are daydreaming,” Iihito replied.

Still being quite loud, Issei commented in an exasperated manner. "That doesn't even make sense!"

“Sure it does, haven’t you heard of the placebo effect? The drugs don’t actually do anything, but your mind would certainly make you feel better.”

Becoming a bit offended, Issei scowled. "Are you calling me a drug addict?"

Iihito deadpanned. “I was referring to medicine. How did you conclude I was talking about illegal drugs?”

Staring at Iihito with a deadpan expression, Issei sat back in his chair. "You're the one who started bringing up drugs out of nowhere."

“Yes, because it’s the most common example of the placebo effect and how the mind would trick you into thinking something was happening when it actually wasn’t. Didn’t you already know that the term ‘drugs’ and ‘medicine’ is interchangeable when it comes to medicine?”

Not quite sure if she was fucking with him or not, Issei decided to leave it at that.

Clapping her hands, Taiga decided to chime in. “As expected from someone from an English-speaking country, yes drugs and medicine have the same meaning in English.”

Issei wondered if the English language was fucking with him.

“Now Iihito, please take a seat.”

~~Line snek~~​

Walking into the courtyard while holding two bento boxes in her hands. Iihito glanced around to see where she could eat. Unlike her prior visit, the courtyard this time around was filled full of students hanging around eating their meals or playing various games.

Waving to Iihito, Kiba walked over with a rather fake smile. "Hello there. My club president, Rias Gremory, would like to invite you to sit with us."

“Ok? What does she want with me?” Iihito responded, not all that affected by Kiba’s fake smile. She’s more into girls anyhow.

Still holding up his fake smile, Kiba chuckled. "I'm sure she just wishes to talk with you about our club and see if you might be interested in it in the future."

“Oh… Sure I guess?” Iihito said with cautious hesitation.

Guiding her over to their table, Kiba motioned to a free spot on the bench across from Rias and beside Koneko. "There is a free spot here next to Koneko and I."

Iihito propped up. “Oh, you said Koneko was here? I got something to give to her.”

Nodding his head, Kiba continued to smile. "Really? I'm sure she will appreciate it."

Iihito nodded. “Indeed, Shirou told me to meet up with Koneko if I want to have the food I made properly reviewed.”

Koneko perked up upon hearing Iihito’s voice. Especially the words ‘food I made properly reviewed’.

Taking a seat, Iihito proceeded to open a bento. The aroma made itself known to the entire peerage present the moment she opened it. The small white-haired girl known as Koneko started to drool, the tall black-haired girl began to analyze her bento, the red-haired girl looked towards Iihito in jealousy and the blonde male continued to display a false smile while ignoring her bento.

Placing the second bento on the table, Koneko snatched the box as soon as it left Iihito's hands. Removing the lid, Koneko proceeded to scarf the contents down almost instantaneously.

“Kinpira. Fresh, Onigiri could be grilled longer, Tamagoyaki could be sweeter, and the Tsukemono slightly too acidic. Overall, good bento. Eight out of ten.”

Rias looked at Koneko, eyes twitching at how fast she downed the bento.

Noticing the silence, Iihito decided to speak up. “So, I’ve heard you wanted to speak to me?”

Turning to Iihito, Rias's eyes shined. It was as if she was channeling her inner Otaku here. "Yes actually. Tell me, what are your opinions on the supernatural?"

“Eh, they tend to not be all that creative despite being supernatural in my opinion.” Iihito shrugged.

Rias folded her hands together and gave her a look of interest. "Oh? Please, tell me more."

Noticing Rias’ intentions leaking out, Iihito decided to shoot it down. “I’m not all that interested in joining the Occult Research Club at the moment, sorry.”

Noticing how she worded it, Rias gave a slight smile. "Hmm. But perhaps you might in the future?"

Iihito shrugged in response. “Maybe. No peerages though.”

Shaking her head for a moment, Rias's eyes shined a bit brighter. "I couldn't if I tried."

“Mhm…” Iihito muttered, “So… What now? Any hobbies or…”

Rias beamed with ever growing excitement. "I like to watch anime and read manga. Jojo's Bizzare Adventure is one of my favourite manga at the moment."

“Oh? I like Jojo, part five is my favourite. Speaking of, are you interested in anime game adaptations?”

"Sure! I enjoy the Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm game. It has pretty fun gameplay."

“Ah, so you liked the Ninja storm games. Personally I liked Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4. You tried Persona 5?”

Rias's eyes widened. "Wait. Four!? The first one just came out this year!"

“Huh… Weird, lemme check my Switch real quick.” Iihito materialized a Nintendo Switch under the table before placing it on top. She selected Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4 after turning it on. “Yeah, Ninja Storm 4 right here. Wanna see?

Turning the console around, she let Rias and, to an extent, Akeno see the game on her switch.

Pausing for a moment, Rias stared at the screen in disbelief. "Can I try it?"

Thinking for a bit, Iihito shrugged before passing the console to Rias. “Just make sure you pass me back the console before the break ends.”

Nodding along, Rias started selecting her characters while Koneko circled around to the other side of the table. “Controler.”

Materializing a couple of extra switch controllers under the table, she passed them to Koneko.

~~Beyond Godlike line break~~
​

Entering the Emiya residence, the faint echo of an infuriated Kiritsugu yelling at someone greeted Iihito.

Looking towards Shirou, Iihito raised a brow. “So… Anyone you know who’d infuriate your pops to that point? He doesn’t seem like the type of person who’d lose his cool all that often.”

Shirou felt sweat drop from the back of his neck, unsure what to say.

“YOU SHOULD NOT BE INTERACTING WITH THE TARGET IN THE FIRST PLACE. MEETING YOUR TARGET SHOULD ONLY BE DONE ONCE YOU KNOW THE PERSON! OTHERWISE YOU RISK EXPOSING YOURSELF AND COMPROMISING THE ENTIRE OPERATION!”

Listening in by the table as she took notes for a profile on Kiritsugu, Aiko nodded eagerly. "He really knows his shit."

“I CAN UNDERSTAND NOT BEING ABLE TO COMPREHEND MOST 21ST-CENTURY GADGETS, HOWEVER, SOME OF THESE GADGETS WERE INVENTED FOR A REASON! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE NEAR YOUR TARGET TO LISTEN IN ON WHAT THEY ARE CONVERSING.”

Materializing a capsaicin spray in her hand, Aiko sprayed it on her rice ball and began to eat it. "Om nom."

Seeing Shirou’s eye twitch, Iihito decided it’ll be better to ask Aiko a question than to stand around and do nothing. “So… Mind telling us what’s going on?”

“WHEN YOU ARE IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU HAVE TO INTERACT WITH YOUR TARGET, YOU SHOULD NEVER ONLY HAVE ONE PLAN. ESPECIALLY A PLAN YOU MADE UP ON THE SPOT. ALWAYS ASSUME YOUR PLAN COULD GO WRONG AND PLAN AROUND THAT SHOULD IT HAPPEN!”

Aiko gave a nonchalant shrug as she finished chewing. "Kerry is a sensei now, I guess. Raynell and I dragged in an incompetent spy."

“I’ll go talk to him,” Shirou said before heading toward the source of the yelling. Iihito followed shortly after, not willing to entertain the idea of asking Aiko why she’d use pepper spray on a rice ball.

Opening the door, they saw the strange sight of Kiritsugu rubbing his temples in the direction of a blonde woman in a blue business suit. The woman in question took notes with a trembling hand and incessant sweating.

Shirou decided to chime in. “Am I… Interrupting something?”

Looking towards his adopted son, Kiritsugu sighed. “No, I’m just giving this one a lecture as to how to conduct basic espionage. I cannot risk someone who was THIS naive walking around in public exposing the magus world, the magus would eat her alive.”

Shirou nodded. “Ah, you want something to drink?”
“Scotch, and bring in Raynell so he can remove my drunken state once I’m done. I cannot do this sober.” Shirou left to grab the drink.

Gabriel brought her legs into her chest after she finished writing in her notebook. “I was wrong. So, so wrong. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”

“Sheesh, what did she do to garner this reaction?” Iihito winced. “She can’t be that bad… Right?”

“I don’t want to repeat myself, my voice has gone sore enough as it is.” Kiritsu rested his eyes, which did little to calm his nerves.

Gabriel whined as she buried her head in her legs. “I don’t want to hear about it again. I’m not fit to be a super spy.”

Iihito winced, feeling sorry for the blonde woman. “I mean, if it means anything. Everyone has to start from somewhere, even the best of spies start off as bumbling buffoons when they first start. It’s just that there are severe consequences to spies who get caught so Kiritsugu here is trying to make sure you don’t get caught again. Know thy enemy and know thyself and you shall win a hundred battles you know?”

Iihito felt like she was going nowhere in trying to comfort the woman.

“But I’m their top spy. How do we know anything about our enemies if I am terrible at spying?”

Kiritsugu glared at Iihito, knowing exactly what she was about to say. “Don’t you dare suggest I help them out. I’m already at my limit with just one of them.”

“Uhh, I know a thing or two about spying. More specifically on computers but I know a thing or two.” Iihito offered.

Gabriel gasped as she looked up, a beaming smile breaking through her gloom. “Really?! Thank you. Thank you! THANK YOU!!”

“Just… Don’t meet up here next time, I think Kiritsugu needs a break from you. No offense.”

 

Across the work table from Kiritsugu, Aiko was helping with his gun maintenance for his upcoming mission. "So. Illya huh? Mind if I tag along? It seems like you could use a hand. Someone to set up a distraction and run interference."

“Fine. However, you are not to start trouble until I tell you.” Kiritsugu rested his eyes.

Nodding with a pleasant smile, Aiko chuckled. "Of course. Can't tip them off too early."

“Good. Then we will be going. Prepare your equipment, we will be leaving in a couple of hours.”

Standing up, Aiko dusted off her pants. "Right. I'll ask Shirou to pack up a bunch of food while I get my clothes ready."

“Mhm.”

As she walked out the door, she noticed Raynell speaking with Shirou. “Despite everything, she’s still adamant on following me. It just hurts to see her so terrified of me.”

“Just because she’s terrified doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you.” Shirou pointed out.

“That makes it all the worse. I didn’t really do anything…”

“She was attracted to ice cream, right? Maybe try giving her some when you can?” Shirou suggested.

Raynell deadpanned. “Shirou. There are many things wrong with what you just said. However, I don’t think that you’re capable of understanding.”

“Oh, sorry to say.” Shirou proceeded to rub the black of his head.

"Hey. Shirou. Need food for seven that can be kept in a bag as rations for about 2 or so weeks," Aiko paused, "Also, we probably need a medic for our trip. You down for that Raynell?"

Raynell smiled with a confident thumbs up. “Always looking for a way to help. Count me in!”

“You can count on me, I’ll prepare you all something for the trip. Hope you give those bad guys what they deserve,” Shirou said before heading off to the kitchen.

Returning the thumbs up, Aiko gave a sharp-toothed grin. "Awesome. Raray, Pack for three weeks. That way you'll have extra."

Raynell nodded. “Sounds like a plan.” He left to his room with a sheepish Gabriel in tow.

~~Saving Illya now? Let's goooo!~~​

When they touched down in Germany, Aiko left the plane first, with Kiritsugu taking the rear. How they managed to get their equipment and food through the checkpoint was anyone's guess, but the guards did seem rather lax that day.

Getting in their rental car, a land rover with subtle armor plating, Aiko took the 'gunners seat' as she called it. The hidden roof hatch would allow her to gun down anyone foolish enough to follow them.

Opening the front door, Raynel sat in the driver’s seat and started the ignition. “Get in nerds!”

Kiritsugu nodded before entering the passenger seat.

As soon as they all got in, they took off at a normal, sedate pace. Kiritsugu directed Raynell onto the highway and had him drive for quite some time. Aiko began to feel bored. "Are we there yet?"

“We’re about ten minutes out if nothing gets in our way,” Kiritsugu answered.

Gabriel pouted. “Ten minutes? I can get there in one if you let me fly.”

“No. Spies don’t fly out in the open. Especially not ‘super spies’. That would catch too much attention from everyone.” Kiritsugu countered.

He then called out to Raynell. “From here you need to drive up the side of the mountain.”

“Yeah, ok. Dunno why, but ok!” He put on a pair of aviators and proceeded to drift the car off the road and onto the rough terrain.

Gabriel began to pound on the windows. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STAY ON THE ROAD SO YOU DON’T KILL US ALL!”

“Calm down, there is no road ahead of us. This is a necessary maneuver.” Kiritsugu rested his eyes, unbothered by Gabriel’s shouting.

Aiko, on the other hand, hung on to her seat and let out a cheer. "WHaHooOoo!"

Before long, they encountered a heavy iron gate. Yes. On the mountainside.

“Go right through it, the gate is a tunnel to prevent reckless drivers from accidentally entering the mansion.” The magus killer continued, his voice remaining flat.

“Unfortunately for them, I might be a little too reckless.” Raynell grinned as he slammed the gas. The Land Rover sped up to speeds that neared that of a scramjet, atomizing the gate when it made contact. He pressed on the brakes afterward to at least keep a modicum of stealth.

Gabriel didn’t understand the concept of seatbelt safety, so she went flying through the window and bounced off the walls. Raynel just whistled as they drove up to a dazed Gabriel. He got out, picked up the fallen angel, and placed her back into her seat with the seatbelt fastened. They continued down the road in relative silence for a while.

As they left the tunnel, they came across the sight of a grand German castle, surrounded by lands in what seemed to be almost a perpetual winter, dotted with various trees.

When they got to their hiding spot, Aiko took on her servant form in her Russian winter gear. "Where do you want me to start?"

“The surrounding area, I’ll be sneaking into the castle while they are distracted. Raynell would come along with me in case something goes wrong.”

Smirking, Aiko walked out of the vehicle and summoned a rocket artillery platform and drove it away from the others. She came to a stop on the other side of the castle and began to fire the missiles in the air, driving like a madman and blasting Russian rap music. "Alright. Thank you for selecting my NFF services. You'll get exactly what you asked for!" She called back over her radio on Kiritsugu's encrypted frequency.

“Now, Raynell, follow me. Gabriel, stay with Aiko.” Kiritsugu said with a flat tone.

“But she’s already gone.”

“Then find her, you’ll be safer with her than with us,” Kiritsugu responded with the same tone.

Gabriel slung her head and shambled away in the direction of explosive ordnance.

Raynell readjusted his glasses. “Where to?”

“Follow me, and stay quiet. We don’t want to alert anyone more than we already have.”

~~Li- li- linebo breaker~~​

As Aiko sang Russian music over the built-in loudspeakers of her vehicle while drinking from a bottle of water that looked quite like a bottle of vodka from a distance, she shot an unlimited number of missiles into the air over the forest. In one humorous moment, a German homunculus was brave enough to call out to her with a group of his friends. "Stupid Ruskie, nobody cares about your potato juice!"

Pausing her barrage for a moment, she slowly turned her cannons towards the man and spoke in a ridiculous Russian accent. "Ahaha. Thees leetle man ees quite funny, no? Time to blast heem."

His dodgeball skills must have been legendary. Even as the missiles blotted out the sky, and his friends were eradicated, he remained untouched by even the slightest bit of shrapnel as he made his way forwards.

Aiko was impressed and turned up the pressure while engaging in conversation, dropping the accent entirely. "Why won't you just die already!"

With an evil grin, he stared into her soul. "I'm a Touhou player."

The man’s head flew off of his shoulders as a blur passed by. It stopped in front of Aiko, revealing an angry Gabriel. “You can’t just kill people. That’s wrong!”

Glancing at the tip of her wing Aiko saw a bit of blood. Deciding she should head that off before she freaks out, she tweaked the truth. "They were Magus though. That means they're heathens that practice ritualistic sacrifice in an attempt to spite god."

The angel’s face darkened. “Then they must be purged from the face of the earth. They will desecrate this holy earth no longer.” She raised one hand towards the main area. “[Divine Smite: Sinner’s Bane]” Multiple beams of light emerged from her fingertips and honed in on those she saw unfit for life through her divine eyes. The light pierced through them, turning them into primordial nothingness. Satisfied she turned to Aiko. “All done!”

Pausing to blink the light out of her eyes, Aiko patted the judgment beam weapon's head in search of an off switch. "Good work. That takes care of the reinforcements. Let's take a look around to the front and see if we need to help there."

“Alright! We’ll show them not to mess with God!”

 

Sneaking into the Einzbern Castle, Kiritsugu and Raynell climbed into the family quarters.

Kiritsugu knocked on the door before waiting momentarily.

“Who is it?”

The magus killer took in a deep breath. “Kiritsugu, I’m here to retrieve my daughter.”

“Raynell, medical support! Wait, are we doing introductions?”

Slamming the door open, a white haired girl grasped Kiritsugu in a tight hug. “I knew you would come for me!”

Raynell shuffled away with his eyes pointing to the side. “Okay then. We’re not doing that.”

“I gave it my best shot. Illyia.” Kiritsugu smiled before patting her in the head. Trying to hold back his tears.

“Shit, it’s Kiritsugu! Bring out the big guns!”

Noticing the hordes of homunculi armed with a large variety of mystic codes, Kiritsugu pushed his daughter back to the safety of her room. Only for his daughter to notice why he did that.

“Berserker, kill them!”

“||4̷̜͕̭̱͉̯̻͆͑͐7̶̘̉6̸̺͉̙͇̼̳̅̿̎̚̚͝c̸̙̄6̶̨̙͈͚̺̤͋͂̇̚1̴̖͈̣͊̓͊́̀͂͠ͅ6̵̣̺̾̒̓̿̈́͘͠4̶̰̮̟̣̇6̷̥͔̝̊c̶̛̠̃̇̈́̎̇̕7̵̯̌̓͋̄̐͌͛9̶̞̫̯̺͖̆̔̅̀̉ͅ||”

A large hulking wall of muscles barged through the wall, quickly turning the men into paste. Seeing this, Raynell decided to counter charge. As the berserker raised it’s fist to pummel the smaller man, he jumped into a drop kick. When the fist and feet connected, the berserker’s arm became pulverized as its momentum caused Raynell to pierce through it’s chest.

“Raynell, Berserker has got it. You’re just getting in the way.” Kiritsugu said, not all that shocked.

Illya on the other hand… “D… Did… Did that man just…”

“Yes, he did…” A white clad maid by the name of Leysritt had let out. “It’s a good thing he is on our side.”

Raynell wiped his cheek with a sideways glance. “Sorry. Thought it was against us. Anyways, time to go in the fray.” He pulled out a scalpel and ran right into the rest of the attackers.

Regenerating its wounds, the berserker walked up next to the little girl.

“[Divine Smite: Sinner’s Bane]” Light shone violently outside the castle, vaporizing countless magi and homunculi.

Noticing the light flashing outside, Kiritsugu sighed before heading towards the stairs. “Let’s go. You’d all only be attracting more attention if we stay here.”

“Indeed, Illya we must leave.” A maid by the name of Sella said.

“Ok.” Illya said, giving off a lazy salute.

Thanks to a certain angel, most of the guards were too preoccupied with her rampage to notice the group escaping the castle. Speeding towards the car while avoiding the homunculi, they managed to get into the vehicle intact.

“Now, to retrieve our two companions before we get out of here.”

Raynell grinned. “You got it! Strap your seatbelts, baby! Or don’t, if you’re feeling lucky.”

He pulled out in reverse, pasting a couple of unfortunate souls before making his way around the castle. A few people took potshots, but were unable to land a hit on Raynell’s erratic yet competent driving.” Then the wall blew up next to them, revealing a furious Gabriel holding the Einzbern patriarch.

She held a hand up in preparation for a more physical smiting. “Do you have anything more to say, heathen?”

Raynell called out, his voice almost drowning in all the noise. “Yo, Gabriel! Splat’em on the car!”

She shrugged before chucking the magus towards the car. To which he pulled on the handbrake and the wheel. The rear of the vehicle popped up to the right, slamming into the patriarch and sending his body smearing across the wall.

“Such is the life of a Magus.” Kiritsugu rested his eyes.

A blur passed through the busted front window at high speeds, stopping to reveal Aiko standing at the gunner's seat, already opening the hatch. "Hahahahaha! This shit is crazy!" She called out as she set up an M61 Vulcan loaded with enchanted HEIAP rounds, and began to fire at anything that moved.

They drove back the way they came, the fallen golem and homunculi providing impromptu traffic cones. When they reached the highway, a horde of homunculi ran hot on their trails.

A highway officer munched on his lunch, humming a pleasant tune. A faint rumbling cut his song short as he looked back and saw a lone car driving haphazardly with an autocannon mounted on top that fired at a horde of bodies that he wasn’t sure were human. He braced himself as the wave hit his car, jostling it back and forth. When it passed, he let out a sigh of relief, before radioing in what was going on. “Debbie, I think what I’m about to tell you is above our paygrade…”

~~Military action? Wait, that's actually a thing?~~​

<<All officers be advised, we have a vehicle on the road carrying a military-grade autocannon firing towards the streets. I repeat we have a military-grade autocannon firing towards the streets. Steer clear for the Bundeswehr, I repeat steer clear for the Bundeswehr. You are to shut off access to the highway before they arrive.>>

Kiritsugu clicked his tongue in annoyance, feeling the vehicle swerve past nearby sidewinders.

Spotting an untouched Eurofighter getting a bit too close to them, Aiko smirked. "BRB, Don't leave without me!"

Jumping out of the vehicle and a ridiculous distance Into the air while still holding her autocannon and firing at the enemy vehicles accurately, Aiko landed on top of the jet, and began to actively use her skill [Riding B].

This effectively allowed her to take control of the plane and use her powers through it as long as she was riding it. "Mua ha ha ha ha! Fear me, mortals!" She called out as she fired missiles at anyone who got too close to the Land Rover, while yes, still firing her autocannon. The poor man still inside the plane was locked inside, and forced to watch as his plane wrecked his own country's armor division and infantry.

The sheer levels of PTSD the somewhat Russian-sounding woman caused went beyond anything they had ever trained for.

Taking a chance, the German interceptors attempted to home in on the jet plane Aiko hijacked, firing the sidewinders toward the plane. At the same moment, the man on the ground attempted to get a lock on the plane with their stinger missiles.

With a grin that seemed far too wide to a face her size, Aiko shot the missiles out of the air with her autocannon, destroying the interceptors in one clean pass. Circling around, she managed to launch a missile right at the man just as he got a lock, Causing her missile to hit his own about half a foot in front of his face.

Cackling madly she flew back to escort her friends out of the danger zone. "Hehehehahaha! Come at me! I will devour you!"

Raynel stuck his head out of the car and waved. “Aiko, get back in here!”

As soon as she heard his voice, Aiko closed her mouth and flew closer to the car. She then jumped off and onto the car. After doing so, she shot the plane in the fuel tank, causing it to explode in a horrific fashion. "Well hello there!"

“No time for games Aiko, we still ha-” Kiritsugu stopped when he heard Aiko’s phone ring.

Pulling the phone out of her bag, she put it on speaker. She wasn't sure how that even got in her bag, but this was bad.

<<This is the Bundeswehr, are you the one in the Black Land Rover LR2? We are here to negotiate!>>

Kiritsugu made a mental note to check his allies equipment next time they want to go on a mission with him. Snatching Aiko’s phone Kiritsugu spoke towards the device. “We are from the Wagnar private military organization. We demand you send 1,000,000 Euros to the Afghan Embassy immediately. For every minute that passes that you do not send the money, I will destroy another military vehicle.”

<<Very well, we are sending the money now. Please do not shoot down another vehicle.>>

“Afterwards, you are to leave us and the vehicle alone. Do not attempt to pursue us or we will devastate more members of the Bundeswehr.”

The pursuing vehicles slowed, various interceptors turned back, and helicopters ceased to pursue.

“Aiko, dispose of the phone. I don’t want the Bundeswehr or any other organization to track us down from that device.”

Pulling out an M9 Beretta, Aiko filled the device with holes without actually looking. She was too busy watching out the front window to give an actual effort. Somehow, the phone was the only thing that managed to be disintegrated by the bullets.

“Is that supposed to do that?” Illya asked, observing the M9 firing on full auto.

Aiko gave her a smug smile.

“I suppose so,” Leysritt replied.

Raynell paid no mind to the conversation in the background as he hummed a merry tune. The car slowed to a comfortable pace, chugging along the empty highway.

“Raynell, take the next exit. We’ll need to repair the vehicle before returning it.” Kiritsugu told the group medic.

“Got it!” They soon pulled out off the road and left the car.

Placing his hand on the vehicle, the car found itself repaired from the damages it suffered through the infiltration.

Gabriel squinted her eyes at Kiritsugu’s act of mechanical wonder in suspicion. “How did you do that?”

Kiritsugu raised a brow toward Gabriel. “How do you think? A spy must be able to deduce information from small details.”

She looked over the car from top to bottom, pressing her face on every surface. She looked at him with a smug smile. “You must be really good with cars.”

Kiritsugu resisted the urge to facepalm.

“No, it’s reinforcement magecraft that he used to patch up the damage.” The daughter of Kiritsugu corrected. “You can’t fix a car without tools dummy. Not without magecraft.”

“Magecraft?” Gabriel’s face began to contort in anger.

Sneering slightly at Gabriel while tapping a modified Thompson Contender on her leg, Aiko began to speak in a slow sarcastic tone, as if she was talking down to a literal moron. "Yes. He's a Magus Killer. Of course, he knows magecraft. He needs to know in order to kill magi and mages more efficiently."

Gabriel’s face went blank, deep in thought. Then a small smile appeared that contrasted her empty eyes as she spoke in a soft tone. “So you use the knowledge of your enemies to kill them. Just. Like. A SUPER SPY!” She beamed in delight and flew around on her wings. “Thank you all soooooo much for helping me learn how to be one!”

When she calmed down, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked to find Raynell looking at her with a blank expression. “I’m going to be honest. I didn’t know how you’d react to that.”

Gabriel shrank down a bit. “I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me, scary man!”

“Hey now. It’s ok. Just had me a little worried, that’s all.” Raynel smiled at her, which she returned with relief.

Staring at the two of them, clear relief on her face, Aiko let out a thunderous sigh. "You were worried? I was ready to shoot her."

Gabriel put her hands on her hips. “Shut. You’re annoying. You sat on my shoulders for FOREVER. It made my wings sore…” She turned away in a pout.

Seeming as if she was unphased, the bunny pretending to be a fox girl pointed out one simple fact. "You do realize I'm still holding the gun right?"

“I know. But I don’t care. You hurt my feelings.”

Gritting her teeth for a moment, Aiko let out a deep breath. Then she realized what was said, and became confused. "Wait. You were actually offended by that? I just wanted to make sure you weren't gonna run away at that point. I'll admit, slapping you was a bad move, but you were gonna bully my friend…"

Pausing for a few moments, she continued hammering the point home, voice dripping with sarcasm. "To be honest though, I don't really know you that well, so I don't really want to apologize to someone who literally ruined a 'totally-not-date' with a friend. At that time you owed me compensation."

“Take care not to expose your feelings out in the open so freely. Especially when you are near your target. Your enemy may use that to their advantage. You would be quickly exposed as a spy should you let them out at the wrong moment.” Kiritsugu interjected. Even after all of this, he still couldn’t let her roam around freely. She would be eaten alive by the clocktower at this rate...

“This is doubly true for your kind seeing as you are incapable of lying without great consequences. Letting your feelings flow freely would only make the enemy more incentivised to push information out of you.” Kiritsugu finished off.

The angel’s face fell. “You’re right… I should be more careful.” She grasped her head. “It’s just so hard. I’ve never had to do things this difficult.”

“You’ll get used to the difficulty over time. It’s only hard now because these things are new for you.” Kiritsugu dismissed the angel’s whining. “Raynell, bring the vehicle close to the forest for the mercenaries to pick up. We’ll walk to the private airport on foot from here.”

“Sounds good.” After that, they made their way to the airport with no more surprises.

 

Hearing the gate door unlock, Shirou stopped cutting the onions. He turned around, waiting to greet his adopted father figure and Iihito’s friends.

“Welcome home.” Shirou smiled before noticing three more figures entering the room.

“Oh, I didn’t know Dad would bring guests. I’ll tell Iihito to prepare more food for everyone.” Shirou said before noticing the small one shiver.

“Oh? What’s wrong, are you alright?” Shirou asked before kneeling towards the little girl.

In a blur of motion, Shirou found his body wrapped by the girl's arms as she began to smile. “Big brother!”

“O-oh, Illya right? Welcome home.” Shirou responded before hugging her back.

Sliding into her usual spot at the table, Aiko folded her hands in her lap and waited for the food to be served. She decided to put her stuff away later.

Raynell waved to Shirou. “Heyo, Shirou. I just need a nap. Call me when the food’s ready!” He then left for his room. “And Gabriel. Be nice.”

Letting go of the little girl, Shirou patted her on the head. “I’ll be making dinner. If you need me, feel free to call out for me. I’ll be here for you.”

“Mhm!” Illya let out, nodding her head. Before Shirou stood up and went back to the kitchen.

Waving the tiny woman over, Aiko patted the cushion next to her. Heading towards the cushion, Illya sat next to the bunny girl whilst the maids stood behind her.

After a few moments of silence, Aiko gave Illya a sly look and murmured something so only they could hear it. "So you like younger men huh?"

Illya returned the look towards the bunny girl.

Gabriel pointed towards Illya. “Abstinence before marriage! It is the only way to have a relationship.”

“Are you kidding me? I don’t plan on doing that yet, dummy.” Illya pouted towards Gabriel.

“Yet?” Gabriel raised an eyebrow.

Before Illya could respond, Iihito shouted towards the living room. “Dinner’s ready!”

Entering the room, Iihito laid the entrees at the dinner table. “I’ll be calling Raynell, feel free to start eating though. I convinced Shirou to stock up extra since I figured we’d have more people heading over here.”

Seeing the glorious spread of food before her eyes, Aiko realized she might want to repay Kiritsugu for the sheer amount of food that was being placed in front of her. Turning towards Kiritsugu, Aiko tapped the table. "Come find me after, I'll refill your ammo stores."

“Much appreciated.” Kiritsugu nodded before beginning to eat his dinner.

Raynell burst through the door, his infectious energy spreading through his voice. “I heard it's dinnertime!”

Trailing behind Raynell, Iihito nodded. “Yeah, just take a seat. We’re still at entrees but feel free to eat whatever you want. The main course should be coming soon though.”

Slamming open the door, Taiga barged in with something on her mind. She decided to keep quiet once she noticed all the people in the house today. "Shirou! There's more of them!"

Shirou looked towards Taiga. “They’re just my sister and her two maids. Pay them no mind.”

"Sister? Maids!? Is she…" Taiga looked at Kiritsugu, realized the potential danger of her questions, and decided she didn't want to know. "No, no, never mind."

She then sat down at the table in a silent manner quite unlike her, ready to eat.

Taking a seat, Shirou clapped his hand. “Thank you for the food, alright. Let’s eat.”

After the meal, Aiko took Kiritsugu aside and dumped five military cases full of origin bullets for each of his guns. She also summoned one Skullmasher sniper rifle from Jakobs of the Borderlands universe with all the enchanted armor-piercing origin ammo he'd ever need.

Kiritsugu rubbed his ribs before grabbing the rifle, and giving it a brief inspection. “Point fifty BMG. Impressive.”

~~Line brake~~​

“Alright, class, we got new students entering the classroom today. Make sure to treat them well enough. If you have beef to resolve, make sure you do it outside the class. That’s your cue to enter. Feel free to introduce yourself if you wish.”

Raynell walked in with a beaming smile. “Thank you for the introduction! My name’s Raynell. It’s a pleasure to meet you all. I’ll let my friends take the floor.”

“Greetings, my name is Illyasviel Emiya. I hope we can get along.” Illya curtsied towards the class.

Taking a deep breath, the bunny girl projected her voice like a stereotypical Canadian at a hockey game. She'd been working on the impression for a while now. "Like, Good morning class! LMAO! My name is Usagi Aiko, but y'all can call me Usagi! I like Anime, Manga, Fanfiction, and Light novels! Let's get along now~!"

Illya and Raynell turned around towards Aiko with matching deadpan expressions.

Rias glanced toward the three, their leaking mana greater than that of Iihito’s.

“Find a seat wherever that suits you. Class would be starting in a minute.”

Appearing in a free seat behind Akeno without warning, Aiko sighed. "It's really too bad we have to keep things T-rated, or I would have just made a really lewd joke."

Smirking as she turned to look back at her, Akeno became interested. "Ufufu, don't be shy now. I only bite for fun."

Raynell sat in the front row next to the window. Rias eyed him, but he paid no heed to it.

“Alright class, now that you have settled down we will begin. Open up your mathematics textbooks to page 156.”

Pulling out a textbook from her bag, Aiko let a few holy bullets slip from the bag and roll across the floor under Akeno's feet with a clink.

Akeno's eyes narrowed, and she stood up readying herself for a conflict, only for the bullets to disappear as if they were never there, leaving her standing like an idiot.

“Ah yes, a volunteer. Akeno if you can please answer the equation before I finish writing it out? Given that f(x) equals six times three to the power of three minus nine x plus four, what is its derivative?”

Going over the question in her mind, Akeno smirked with a triumphant air and relayed her answer. "Well, teacher. It's quite simple really, f′(x) equals eighteen multiplied by two minus nine."

She smirked back at Aiko, eyes pressuring her in a challenge.

“Very good. A particle of mass m confined to a box of width L is in its first excited state ψ2(x). Firstly, find its expectation value of the position and secondly, where is the particle most likely to be found?”

Akeno looked back at him with dead eyes, as she tried to convey just how unfair that was through a staring contest. Despite her attempt to cow her teacher in some small way, the man does not blink. Ever.

“And that’s why you don’t challenge fresh students Akeno, now if you take your seat so I can go back to explaining calculus to the rest of the class?”

Taking her seat without looking, Akeno almost regretted that mistake. However, Aiko wasn't mean enough to actually follow through with her second prank.

~~Line braku~~​

“Ah! My eyes, again?!” Matsuda, the bald pervert winced away in pain.

“Why does soap keep landing on our eyes?” Motohama complained, confused as to how the shampoo could even get behind his glasses in the first place.

Issei stared towards the two, glad he chose to opt out of indulging in his instincts. The future harem king saw the patterns. “Where does this soap keep coming from?”

“You’re telling me. I can’t even take a small little peek without being barraged by phantom soap.” Motohama whined.

“Phantom soap?” Issei’s eyebrows raised. He shifted his eyes from side to side, finding nothing.

“You know, the soap that keeps disappearing when you try to look for it. I know it’s real because I keep coming home clean, but I can’t find the stupid damn thing no matter what I try. All the camera footage keeps getting corrupted. I’m telling you, it’s gotta be a ghost doing this.” Motohama pointed towards a shimmering part of the floor.

“Oh gods, youkai, the devil. Anything. Please remove these evil spirits. I’ll head to the shrine to pray every day just please exercise these spirits.” Grasping his hands, Matsuda knelt before glancing towards the ceiling.

“Have you tried not being as horny?” They snapped their heads toward the source of the voice, who continued. “Maybe this is a sign to change your ways?”

“What?! No way, never!” The two snapped back. “The gods would never be so cruel!”

The blonde girl shrugged in response. “Well, alright then. Keep warding off the girls in your vicinity with your disgusting behavior. Not my problem.”

Issei took a step back, the words from the blonde echoing into his mind. "What else can I do? Girls are going to think I'm gross anyway, right? It's all I've known."

Iihito rolled her eyes before sighing. “Well for one, you can stop with the open pervertedness. Don’t get me wrong, girls do sometimes like perverted men. But more importantly, girls want to feel safe and comfortable with their partner. Leering around, trying to stare at tits and asses all day isn’t going to make a girl feel safe or comfortable around you.”

Seeing an opportunity to get out of his loveless situation, he looked her in the eyes and nodded. The prospect of changing himself and how he acted bothered him little. He just wanted to get a girlfriend who cared about him as a person.

Glancing towards the hallway, Iihito looked at her watch. “Look, I’m willing to help out more, but I got PE. We’ll continue with this later if you still need my advice.”

Giving a rare genuine smile, Issei expressed his gratitude. "Thanks. I really appreciate it."

“Oh, and if you can. Try to distance yourself from those two. Being near them and indulging in their attitude while they refuse to change would drag your reputation down with them. Not saying you can’t hang out with them, but if you are, make sure nobody is around to see it. If they seriously want to partner up with someone, they’d stop with the open pervertedness.” Turning around, Iihito raised an arm to wave goodbye before leaving their sight.

Issei thought about this topic as the days went by, attempting to follow her advice. He determined to meet with Iihito again to learn and practice more.

~~Line break~~​

Feeling the rays of light bounce on her skin, Iihito tapped on the table with her pen. It dawned on her that the class was kinda boring. It didn’t help that the teacher insisted on providing the same questions over and over with slight differences on her sheet. Oh, and the oh-so-hilarious line of ‘You’re not going to carry a calculator in your pocket all around you all the time. Are you?’

Yup... Totally not just going to resort to her phone to do tedious math or anything... Totally not just going to use Wolfram alpha for complicated equations or anything.

“Oh? Have you done your questions Iihito?” The teacher's voice rang towards her.

Iihito glanced at the teacher, eyes half open to the teacher’s question. “Yup, just remaining silent until the test is done.”

The teacher paused, looking into her eyes, before reaching out his arm. “If you are done with your test, you may bring it to me. You’re not in an exam, that’s to come in a couple years.”

Heading towards the teacher, she handed him the paper before heading back to her desk.

“You are free to privately study until the test is done, as for the rest of you; There are thirty minutes remaining.”

There was a knock on the door. Heading towards the door the teacher opened it to see who it was.

“Ah, Smith. Gremory wants your attention. Seeing that you are finished with your test, you may leave the class.”

Looking towards the teacher, Iihito picked up her things before heading out the door. The audible clicking of the door echoed behind her as she entered the hallway.

Looking directly towards her eyes, Iihito shrugged. “So. What do you want, Gremory?”

The tips of Rias’ mouth rose before an index finger reached towards her cheek. “Oh, I just so happened to notice you were done with your test. You seemed bored and I didn’t think you’d want to be stuck in the classroom for the rest of the school day.”

Iihito lowered her eyelids, her mouth flattening. “You just wanted to hang out, didn’t you?”

“I’ll be lying if I said no.” Rias nodded.

Iihito shrugged after a moment of pause. “So... Where to?”

Taking a step back, her hand lowered towards her chest. “Eh? You want to hang out?”

Iihito kept the same expression. “Yeah, you wanted to play with my Switch again right?”

Dropping her arms, Rias leaned forwards towards Iihito. “I can’t help it. How did you even get that game anyways? I scoured all over the internet and found nothing!”

Iihito paused, unsure as to how to proceed. “I don’t know. I just found it on the Nintendo eShop and bought it... You want to know where you can buy a Switch yourself, don't you?”

Rias began to pout. “Why wouldn’t I? That thing is practically from the future!”

Reaching toward her forehead, Iihito proceeded to massage her temples. “You’re not going to stop bugging me until you get your hands on one yourself aren’t you?”

Hearing a thud near the redhead, Iihito noticed Koneko suddenly standing next to her. Looking towards her with widening pupils. “Can I also have one?”

Iihito dropped her arms, mimicking Rias’ pose. “I’ll... See what I can do...”

 

So I discovered a site that makes it easy easier to upload stuff that's non lewd. I'll still keep the few chapters that are here, here, but if you want to access the rest, go to Mercenary DxD on Tapas by clicking the link, and drop a like/subscribe with a free account. It's not like it costs you anything, and it actually makes it way easier for me.

I might use this platform as a way for people to discover my stuff if they don't know about tapas, or for lewd stuff, but that's probably it from now on.

Hey, at least it saves server space right?