Sith PSA One-Shot

AN: Simply an idea I had. Nothing will likely come of it, but I thought it amusing enough to share,

Darth Pisa enters, hands behind his back in a parade rest.

DARTH PISA: Young Sith of the Academy, I am Darth Pisa, brought here today to discuss with you a very important message. (Frowns, then Force Chokes an audience member) No talking during assembly. Now, I am here to discuss with you the dangers of the Light Side.

Titters from the audience.

DARTH PISA: (frowns, force lightnings everyone who laughed. Silence is restored.) Thank you. Now, I’ve heard that some of you think that the Light Side isn’t dangerous, that it’s a joke! I’m here to correct those misconceptions. Now, let’s set about addressing the myths about the Light Side, and for that, I’ll need a volunteer from the audience. (Blank stares from audience.) If someone doesn’t raise their hand in the next thirty seconds, you’re all getting electrocuted. (Forest of hands.) Much better. Now, then. (points at random student) How about you? Care to join me up on the stage?

ACADEMY STUDENT, WITH SLICKED-BACK HAIR, FRESHLY PRESSED UNIFORM, AND SMUG, BROWN-NOSING EXPRESSION: Yes, Sir! It’s an honor to assist you!

DARTH PISA: Quiet. Nobody likes a suck-up. (Student looks crestfallen as he makes his way up to the stage) Now, what’s your name, Suck-Up?

SUCK-UP: It’s-

DARTH PISA: Doesn’t matter, I’m just going to end up calling you Suck-Up anyways. Now, then, Suck-Up, let me ask you a question. What is the greatest danger of the Light Side of the Force?

SUCK-UP: The Jedi, Sir. While they tend to misuse their power by living in a strict monastic code of self-denial and using their strengths entirely for the benefit of others, instead of themselves, they can be dangerous opponents all the same, and should not be underestimated.

DARTH PISA: WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! The Jedi are dangerous, certainly, but the Light Side has far more dangerous weapons that it can bring to bear, weapons far more insidious than mere physical force could ever hope to match. I speak, of course, of the corrupting power of the Light Side of the Force.

(Everyone looks confused.)

SUCK-UP: Um, Sir? Are you sure about that?

DARTH PISA: Quiet, Suck-Up. You see, children, while looking over the records, I found a few disturbing trends. Countless Sith throughout the Sith Empire have begun to drift closer to the Light Side, tempted by its seductive wiles. (He begins to pace.) It starts out simple, you know? Some young buck, out in the town, or out on a mission, does something Light-Sided. Maybe he spares an enemy or doesn’t use the Force to torture his aide for being late in bringing him his latte one morning. And he gets his first hit. Let me tell you a little secret, kids. The Light Side feels good. And this young buck? He’s just had his first taste of good, wholesome pleasure derived from helping his fellow man.

SUCK-UP: But, isn’t the Sith Code all about freedom? We do whatever we want, so long as we have the power to do so! So what if we want to spare someone? Being Sith means that our power gives us the right to do anything we please, and if sparing an enemy brings us joy, then so be it!

DARTH PISA: First off, (Force-lightnings Suck-Up into a wall) NEVER question me again, worm. Second off, yes, that’s a good point. Being Sith means we have a certain freedom of choice, doesn’t it? As long as we aren’t told otherwise by those stronger than us, of course. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some very bad choices out there that young Sith can sometimes make, choices that irreparably damage their future prospects, weaken them, and even lead to their premature deaths. I’m here to make sure that you don’t make those mistakes. (Turns to Suck-Up) Does that answer your questions, Suck-Up?

SUCK-UP: (gibbers incoherently in a twitching heap on the floor)

DARTH PISA: (smiling benignly) I’m very glad to hear that. Now then, (resumes pacing) let’s revisit our hypothetical young Sith Lord in the making, shall we? (terrified nods from the audience) So, this young buck’s gone and gotten his first taste of the Light Side. And he liked it. Oh, boy did he like it. Now, maybe he’ll try to resist the temptation, or maybe he’ll be intrigued and seek it out. But all the same, he’s going to try and get another hit in. Because the Light Side is addictive, and once you get that first hit, well, you’re hooked for life. (shakes head sadly) No matter how hard you try, that craving will always be there, in the back of your head. I hear that the Jedi, ever masters of self-flagellation and pompous self-righteousness, call these cravings a “conscience.” Purportedly, it somehow ties into their ridiculous theories on how everyone secretly wants to do good deep down, or some other such drivel. Regardless, our young buck’s conscience cravings have set in, and now he struggles with a deep-seated desire to indulge in more weak, charitable actions. And that leads into our next major topic: The side effects of a Light Side addiction. (looks around) I’ll need another volunteer from the audience. (forest of hands) All right, you. Alien.

ZABRAK SITH APPRENTICE: Are you referring to me? I’m far from the only alien in the audience.

DARTH PISA: Yes, you, bonehead. Now get up here before I execute you for your insolence.

ZABRAK SITH APPRENTICE: Okay. And, before you ask, my name is Vael, not “bonehead,” or whatever other racial slur you were planning on using as my nickname.

DARTH PISA: (grinning) Well, well, well. Seething resentment, anger, and hatred, loosely contained by a momentary need to kowtow to your superiors until you can finally seize your place at the top. I like it. Always good to see that the next generation is shaping up so nicely. So, Cadet Vael, what do you think the side effects of a Light Side addiction are?

VAEL: Turning into a Jedi, obviously. (gasps from the audience) Oh, what? He was obviously leading up to that, you lily-livered cowards!

DARTH PISA: Good, a very good start. You show a great deal of promise, cadet. However, while you’ve successfully named the most serious potential symptom, it’s far from the only one. Let’s revisit our young buck, shall we? Now, before he started doing Light Side, he was an upstanding young Sith. He always followed his Master’s orders, only valued power, crushed all who stood against him, and, most importantly, he always went above and beyond in inflicting pain and misery on those weaker than him, never leaving a dog unkicked, or a helpless child untraumatized. But, now that he’s on the road to the Light Side, that’s all changed. Now, he’s sparing enemies and targets wherever he goes. He’s making friends, and emotional attachments that leave him weak and vulnerable. Eventually, he gets to the point where he’s walking old ladies across the street, and helping cats down from trees, all just to get one. More. Fix. And it doesn’t stop. It never stops. Suddenly, he’s restricted, he’s keeping to some strange arcane code unique to Light Side addicts that the Jedi call “morality.” He’s not living for himself alone anymore, and that makes him weak. And then, he crosses the line. Maybe he idiotically stands up to his Master for someone he barely knows, or maybe he tosses himself into danger to save one of his “friends.” Whatever the case, the result is the same. His addiction results in him being mutilated, dying, or, even worse, becoming a Jedi. (horrified gasps from the audience. One cadet faints and is electrocuted for his show of weakness) Yes, I know. Light side addiction can lead some poor, belighted souls into adopting a monastic lifestyle that revolves exclusively around using our phenomenal mystic powers for other people’s benefit, and never indulging in anything even remotely resembling pleasure. And you don’t have to take my word for it, either. (claps hands and a legless, armless torso is rolled out in a wheelchair) This is my apprentice, Zane. Like so many other young Sith, he was a victim of a Light Side addiction, before I set him straight. Zane, why don’t you tell the audience your story?

ZANE: Yes, my Master. (looks at audience with a smile, or at least as close to a smile as his half-melted face can manage) Well, when I was younger, I was a real up-and-comer like you. Apprenticed myself to an up-and-coming Sith Lord, but then Darth Pisa killed him after they got into a traffic accident, and the good Darth thought I was useful enough to justify taking me in. Now, I had everything, you know? A good position in life, a solid benefits package, a politically powerful Master who I could eventually usurp if he didn’t kill me first, the works. But then I started doing Light Side. (gasps from the audience) Yeah. It started out so innocuously, too. I was on a mission to exterminate a small Twi’lek family of Republic spies. I used a well-timed Force Push to kill the father with his own blaster, Force Choked the mother to death, but then, when it got to their daughter… I hesitated. I ended up sparing her, and it felt good! And after that, well, it just kept getting worse and worse. I remember thinking that I could stop any time, but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t. Soon, I was hiding escaped slaves, and sparing people that crossed me, and every time I killed somebody, something in my chest hurt. (audience looks horrified) I know, right? What kind of Sith can’t remorselessly slaughter anyone that crosses him?

VAEL: So, how did it end?

ZANE: Well, my Master found out. He confronted me, cut off all my limbs with his lightsaber, killed all my friends in front of me, and then electrocuted me until I remembered how to be a proper Sith again. (thousand-yard stare) Sometimes… late at night… I can still taste the ozone.

DARTH PISA: Back on topic, Zane.

ZANE: Oh, right. Well, now my Master still keeps me around so I can tell my story to young Sith like you, and make sure you won’t repeat my mistakes. When I’m good, he feeds me! And when I’m bad, he locks me in a box, where I have to spend weeks in total isolation drinking my own piss!

DARTH PISA: Okay, that’s enough out of you. (force pushes Zane’s wheelchair offstage, resulting in a deafening crash) Eh, he’s probably fine. So. Now that you’ve heard about the seductive nature of the Light Side, and how giving in to your conscience can ruin your life, we move onto perhaps the most important part of this assembly. Cadet Vael, how do you avoid falling to the Light Side of the Force?

VAEL: Presumably, you do so by never doing anything for the benefit of anyone who’s not you, unless compelled by force.

DARTH PISA: Precisely! Keep up the good work, Vael, and, filthy subhuman or not, there’s an apprenticeship in your future! Now, I often find that the big cause of so many of these falls to the Light Side is mercy. It always starts out with a display of mercy. So, in order to prevent such things occurring in the future, I came up with a few words that you should try to keep in mind. (clears throat) Now, repeat after me: Mercy leads to compassion.

AUDIENCE: Mercy leads to compassion.

DARTH PISA: Come on! Put some feeling in it, or I fucking electrocute you! Mercy leads to compassion!

AUDIENCE: MERCY LEADS TO COMPASSION!

DARTH PISA: Compassion leads to love!

AUDIENCE: COMPASSION LEADS TO LOVE!

DARTH PISA: Love leads to the Light Side!

AUDIENCE: LOVE LEADS TO THE LIGHTS SIDE!

DARTH PISA: And the Light Side leads to being a massive pussy!

AUDIENCE: AND THE LIGHT SIDE LEADS TO BEING A MASSIVE PUSSY!

DARTH PISA: Thank you, thank you all, you’ve been a great audience, I only had to electrocute you once. Remember to hold fast to your hate and walk the path to power without fail, and one day, without a doubt, absolute power will be yours. Thank you all, and goodbye for now. I’ll be taking questions all day in the reception area, if you want to learn more about these issues. And always remember to steer clear of do-gooding, because if I find out that any of you fell to the Light Side after I took the time out of my day to give this assembly for your sakes, I’ll kill you myself. Understood? (shaky yes’s from the audience) Now then, assembly’s over, look in the reception area if you have questions!

Darth Pisa smiles and then leaves, as the assembly comes to an end, leaving an auditorium full of traumatized cadets in his wake.

 

"Woh, man. This compassion is the good stuff!"
"Yeah, I want another hit of it, too!"


Funny as hell.

 

"Yesterday, I even helped an old lady cross the street!"

Audience of cadets oohs and ahs.

"Helping an old lady across the street? That's nothing! This morning I hugged my mom and told her I loved her."

Even more oohing and ahing.

"Holy shit, dude. Aren't you worried about the teachers finding out?"

"Please. I'm not scared of them. I make my own rules."

 

I read this in the voice of principle bump from the owl house. This was hammy and evil and i loved it.