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Snek is a Good Boy [a Worm Crackfic]

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Ack, Mar 10, 2021.

  1. Threadmarks: Snek is a Good Boy

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    [A/N: This is a one-shot fic (for now) that answers an idle question I asked myself yesterday: "What if a snake was the hero of a Worm fanfic?"
    Snek is the familiar of a powerful wizard. He's about as smart as a young child, and can create personal portals to go wherever he wants. He's also a sixty-foot boa constrictor.
    This story was not beta-read.]

    Snek is a Good Boy

    Snek is bored.

    Snek has been a very good boy all day, helping Master with Master things. Master is busy now, with no time to talk to Snek. Snek was tired and slept on his winding-post, but now he is awake and Master is still busy.

    Snek is bored.

    Snek knows Master does not like when Snek disturbs him in his Master work, so Snek does not make wriggly-hole to go into Master's work room. Snek goes to door instead and taps three times with nose before opening door.

    Snek knows ‘three’. Master has taught Snek how to count all the way up to ten! Snek is very proud that he can count. He can count higher than anyone in Master's tower except Master himself. Master knows numbers Snek will never understand.

    Master does not look around at first, so Snek waits. Even though he is bored, Snek is very good at waiting. Master has said that he likes that in Snek.

    Master finishes what he is doing and looks around. "Yes, Snek, what is it?" He always remembers what Snek's name is. Master is very smart.

    "Ssnek iss bored, Masster," says Snek. He tries not to hiss words when he speaks to Master, but Snek is Snek, and is hard not to hiss. "May Ssnek go and play?"

    Master nods. "Yes, go and play," he says. "Be back by morning."

    "Thank you, Masster. Ssnek will be back by morning."

    Master does not answer because he is doing Master work again. Snek wriggles out of work room and closes door with tail. Then Snek opens wriggly-hole to another world. He does not care which one, because he is bored.

    Snek has opened wriggly-holes into other worlds before. Once he found place with lizards that tried to eat Snek. Snek ate them instead. That was fun. And they were delicious. (Master taught Snek that word.)

    Snek wriggles through wriggly-hole into new world. This place looks like city, but not city Snek has been to. This city smells of people and garbage and things Snek does not know.

    Snek likes new places. Snek wriggles through city, looking for fun things to do. Then Snek hears man shouting. Man is very loud and shouty. Snek wriggles closer to hear man. Man is talking to big crowd. Snek smells oil from bang-ouch things. Snek does not like bang-ouch things. They are loud and make Snek sting.

    Shouty man is hard to understand, but Snek thinks he is talking about hurting children. Master has always told Snek it is bad to hurt children. Snek does not like it when shouty man talks about hurting children.

    Snek wriggles closer and lifts up head higher than shouty man. “Iss bad to hurt child,” he says. People are rude. They start shouting. They point at Snek and shout his name but getting wrong. People always get Snek’s name wrong.

    Shouty man stares at Snek. He shouts and points. He tells people to kill Snek. Snek knows he is bad man because he wanted to hurt children and now he wants to hurt Snek. Master has said it is good for Snek to hurt bad men.

    Strange thing happens. Buzzy bugs start biting people. Lots of buzzy bugs everywhere. Snek not know where buzzy bugs come from, but they are not trying to bite Snek.

    People have bang-ouch things. They point at Snek. Bang goes bang, ouch goes ouch. They sting when hit. Snek does not like sting. Master has said Snek scales are hard as iron, but still sting.

    Snek open mouth wide and hiss loud, scare people. People move away. Some run away. Snek hiss more, taste air. Snek smell pee-pee and poo-poo. More buzzy-bugs happen. People run away. Shouty man not run away. Shouty man look up then look at Snek.

    Buzzy-bugs biting shouty man. Shouty man is now on fire. Fire is bad. Fire hurty hurt. Shouty man not hurty hurt. Shouty man has metal scales. Metal scales stop hurty hurt? Shouty fire metal man breathe fire at Snek. Snek tastes spot on snoot where fire hit. Spot warm, no burn.

    Shouty fire metal man throw fire up at building. Snek not know why. Snek taste air. Taste person on building. Young person. Young person is child. Shouty fire metal man throwing fire at child.

    Snek has told shouty fire metal man hurting child is bad. Snek wriggles forward. Shouty fire metal man jump up on wall. Snek strike, grab shouty fire metal man leg in mouth. Leg is hot, on fire. Metal tastes funny to tongue.

    Snek like spicy food.

    Snek pull shouty fire metal man down to ground. Shouty fire metal man tries to make Snek on fire. Snek wraps shouty fire metal man in body. Shouty fire metal man has claws. Tries to claw Snek. Snek squeezes shouty fire metal man, feels bones break.

    Shouty fire metal man isn’t shouty anymore.


    Taylor stared over the parapet of the building at where Lung was fighting—and losing—against the biggest snake she’d ever seen in her life, even on Discovery Channel. It honestly looked like one of those prehistoric snakes in the reconstructions, the type that faced off against dinosaurs and won.

    But it had spoken. It had actually uttered words.

    And now it was squeezing Lung to death, slowly but surely. After Lung threw fire at her, then tried to come after her. She didn’t know how to feel about that. Saving her life, sure. But killing Lung? Did he actually deserve that?

    He wasn’t coming up here to surrender to me, a tiny treacherous voice whispered in the back of her mind.

    Also, she was absolutely certain that no amount of hornets—even if her swarm had survived Lung’s flames, which most of it hadn’t—was going to make a dent in that enormous creature’s capabilities.

    When it started swallowing Lung’s body, head first, she pulled off her mask and threw up.


    Snek a little disappointed that shouty fire metal man not on fire anymore. Eats bad man anyway. Master has taught him to clean up messes. Is a little spicy going down. Took long time to squeeze small enough to eat, kept unsqueezing. Snek not mind. Snek very strong.

    When finished, Snek tastes air. Child on roof of building, smell scared. Others, long way away. Snek smell dog, but funny. Snek like dog. Taste good.

    Snek has done good deed for day. Has had fun. Meal was spicy. Snek might come back, see if other bad men need eating. Snek open wriggle-hole, go home.


    Disbelievingly, Taylor watched as the enormous snake poked its head into the hole that had just appeared in the stained, cracked asphalt and vanished down it. As the tip of the immense tail flicked out of view, the hole closed again, seconds before a motorcycle swung around the corner.

    Not just any motorcycle. Taylor would have had to be blind, deaf and living in South America not to recognise that bike. Armsmaster was the head of the Protectorate in Brockton Bay, and his bike lived up to the hype.

    As he rolled to a halt, Taylor hastily wiped her mouth and pulled her mask back on. He wasn’t her idol, exactly (she’d really wanted to be Alexandria when she was younger) but he was still a hero. More to the point, she was out in costume. Being seen unmasked by anyone was a bad idea.

    The next thing she knew, something clamped onto the building parapet and Armsmaster swung up and over to the rooftop. He stood there for a moment, apparently observing her as she sat with her back to the brickwork, huddled in on herself. She was certain that he could also see the puddle of vomit nearby.

    There was silence for a moment. She got the impression that he had a speech he probably trotted out at times like this, but he’d been put off his stride. Finally, he cleared his throat.

    “What exactly happened here?” he asked. “And are we going to fight?”

    “I don’t want to fight,” she said hastily. “Lung … Lung was down there.” She pointed at the street below with her thumb.

    “I saw his mask,” Armsmaster said curtly. “It’s not like him to leave without retrieving it.”

    Taylor hadn’t even seen his mask fall off. “No … he … I think he’s dead.”

    That got his attention. “Unlikely. Lung is … very durable. Though what makes you think that?”

    She started speaking slowly, explaining how she’d happened on the gathering and was about to break it up with bugs, and then the snake happened. Her words were inadequate, even to her own ears, as she tried to describe the sheer terrifying power of it. Slowly, the last few words stumbled from her mouth, and she hunched down again.

    “So … a giant talking snake that squeezed Lung to death and then ate him.” She had to give Armsmaster props for not laughing out loud as he summarized her account. If she hadn’t seen it for herself, she wouldn’t have believed it.

    “That’s about it, yes.”

    “And you have no idea where it came from.” He looked at her sharply. “Do you think you summoned it with your power?”

    Wearily, she shook her head. “My power is calling bugs to me, and controlling them. I didn’t call it, and I didn’t control it. I didn’t even know it was there until it reared up and told them not to hurt kids.”

    “I see.” Armsmaster paused. “And you say it vanished into a hole in the ground that disappeared afterward.”

    “Yeah.” Carefully, she stood up, supporting herself against the parapet. She pointed down at the street. “Just about there.”

    He nodded. “Thank you.” The blue and silver helmet tilted. “Are you alright?”

    She shuddered. “Oh, I’m okay. Lung’s fireball was only a near miss. And the snake stopped him from getting up here to me. But I’m never going to see a nature show the same way again.”

    “Understood.” She wasn’t sure if he did; it sounded like just something he said to move things along. “I don’t believe I got your codename.”

    “I … I don’t have one.” She shrugged. “It’s hard enough to come up with a bug-related name that doesn’t sound creepy or villainous, or just plain stupid.”

    “That could be a problem, yes.” He chuckled warmly. “I got in early enough that all the good names weren’t gone yet.” There was an infinitesimal pause, as if he were checking off items on a list. “So, have you considered joining the Wards? As you can see, Brockton Bay can be very dangerous for an independent hero.”

    She took a deep breath, suddenly aware of the sour taste in her mouth all over again. “Right now, I’m reconsidering the whole hero game, Wards or no Wards. That snake was big enough to ride on. If it had chosen me instead of Lung to snack on, there’s no way I would’ve survived. I think I’m going to do some serious thinking about matters.”

    “Understandable.” He produced a card out of … somewhere. “If you change your mind, call this number.”

    “Okay.” She took the card and awkwardly held it as he descended to street level again. Turning, she trudged toward the fire escape ladder. It was going to be a long walk home. A lot of time to think.

    I need to talk to Dad about this, she decided. He might have ideas.


    Snek wriggle out of wriggle-hole into Master home. Master is there.

    “Did you have fun, Snek?”

    “Yess, Masster. Ate bad man. Ssaved child.”

    “That’s a good boy, Snek.”

    Snek is happy. Snek has been a good boy.
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2021
  2. Alchto

    Alchto I want money so I can get some pussy

    Nov 22, 2019
    Likes Received:
    !Renzie0, mr.inky and Ack like this.
  3. HuggableFireSquid

    HuggableFireSquid Making the rounds.

    May 14, 2018
    Likes Received:
    I want to see more of Snek. He is adorable. Maybe he can eat the other snake in Brockton Bay?
  4. RichardWhereat

    RichardWhereat Aia airëa Fëanáro.

    Oct 1, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Damn, I want to know so much more about snek.
  5. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    She would literally have to be living in another country to not know about the Armscycle.
    Cubbyhb1, JiggieP, Corvus 501 and 8 others like this.
  6. mr.inky

    mr.inky I trust you know where the happy button is?

    Jan 31, 2018
    Likes Received:
    Snake? Snake?!


    Memes aside, this was a really fun one-shot to read. Truly, Snek is Best Familiar.

    Though I do have to admit, the sheer amount of Mothra's now flapping in the winds of Worm's Plot is just ....Inspiring.
  7. Kitty S. Lillian

    Kitty S. Lillian Transhuman

    May 20, 2018
    Likes Received:
    …I wonder how many unique words this has, remembering how Seuss wrote a couple books on dares that it couldn't be done under 100 (or 50). Taylor/Armsmaster segment must shoot it up.

    time to fix that!
    Yeah, like the author, eighty-eight times plus thread-title! "Snake" e: and if you leave the dialect hiss Ssnake (j/k)

    …actually, no other spelling errors spotted. Good job. Good snek. Good snek-er-snak.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2021
    Cubbyhb1, Wolfsroses59 and Ack like this.
  8. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    When Snek is saying his own name, he hisses the 'S'.
  9. jmatrix

    jmatrix Getting sticky.

    Jan 12, 2020
    Likes Received:
    Who knew that a gigantic snake could sound so cute? I feel like Snek is similar to Chunky from "Beware of Chicken". Innocent good boy, but still dangerous to bad men.
  10. thethomas

    thethomas Everyone's twin!

    Mar 25, 2020
    Likes Received:
    There's another story I read a while back i forget what it's called but mc is reincarnates as a small snake and pretty much goes crazy and starts worshiping the tiny snake god (which he made up) and generally flailing around with uber magic trying not to die(again) and panicking about everything. Would be fun to see that kind of thing referenced here like snek is super confused about them being intimidated about his size because doesn't everyone know about the tiny snake god panicked destroyer of everything large?
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2021
  11. Threadmarks: Snek to the Rescue!

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Snek is a Good Boy

    Part Two: Snek to the Rescue!

    [A/N: This chapter was inspired by a comment from Lumias, on FF (dot) net, and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]

    “A snake.”

    Director Piggot’s delivery of the two words was flat and toneless, which meant she was either thoroughly pissed off or had no idea what to make of the revelation. Or both. Personally, Colin was betting on the latter.

    “Yes, ma’am.” He took a deep breath. “My experimental lie detector did not register any untruths in what she told me. Also, one of the ABB was recording the event on their phone—almost certainly against orders—and there’s a three-second clip of the snake rearing up and speaking. Then the phone gets dropped, there’s a lot of gunfire, and the person runs away. I located the phone after the event. The camera was pointed at the sky for most of the action, but the audio appears to bear out her story in all relevant details.”

    She seemed to take that in. Were he in her place, he imagined he might be celebrating, just a little, deep inside. Not that he’d wanted Lung to be eaten by a giant snake, but the man had been a multiple murderer, and he’d already been sentenced in absentia to the Birdcage, so his death was no great loss to the city. However, her visage never cracked even the slightest hint of a smile.

    “So there’s not only a gigantic man-eating snake somewhere in my city,” she said quietly. “But it’s smart enough to be able to speak, and it can teleport.” Sighing in frustration, she pinched the bridge of her nose. “What are the options, here? BioTinker creation? Case Fifty-Three?”

    “Those are two potential answers, yes.” He nodded seriously. “Alternately, it may be a projection, an illusion—though the fact that it ate Lung suggests otherwise—or a Changer.” He paused for a moment, wondering if he should keep going. In for a penny, he decided. “Or one last option, least likely but most worrying.”

    The Director gestured wordlessly. Get on with it. In her place, he wouldn’t have wanted to hear what he considered ‘most worrying’, but it was her job to have all the facts to work with before she made any decisions. Accordingly, it was his job to give her all the facts at his command.

    “It’s intelligent enough to be verbal, and to have some sort of moral code,” he said slowly, working his way through the premise. “Suppose the portals it travels by can extend to other Earths. It’s not from Aleph, of course; we would’ve heard about them by now. But what if it’s native to another Earth, where English is somehow the local language?” It was implausible, he knew, but not impossible.

    “And it just came here to visit?” From the tone of her voice, she didn’t like that at all. “So it could come back. Or worse, it could come back and bring friends. Especially when it tells them what the lunch menu is like.”

    Again, he couldn’t blame her. Of all the hypothetical scenarios he’d ever had of the world ending, an invasion of giant smart teleporting carnivorous snakes had never been at the top of the list, or even close to it.

    “Perhaps not,” he reminded her. “The cape I spoke to was very definite about how it told Lung that he shouldn’t hurt children. It could’ve come after her easily—she was certain it knew she was there—but it didn’t.”

    “That’s the only faint ray of light in all this.” Piggot shook her head. “On the upside, as you so kindly pointed out, it apparently has something approximating a sense of morality, though it chooses to express this by eating the guilty, which doesn’t reduce my problems in the slightest. What are its guidelines for determining who is innocent and who is lunch? And even if it never comes back, it’s left a mess on our plate just by doing what it’s already done. Unless Lung left an established chain of command, Bakuda and Oni Lee may well have a turf war to see who inherits the ABB. And even if they don’t, I can see the Empire Eighty-Eight expanding their territory once it becomes clear that Lung is gone for good.”

    Colin nodded. “Understood, ma’am. I’ll keep an eye on them.”

    “You do that.” She waved a hand in vague dismissal.

    Turning, he left her office, closing the door carefully behind him. He had a lot to think about, and to plan for. The death of Lung, as he was fully aware, spelled out lots of work in the future for him. But he was fine with that.

    He’d long wanted to match himself against Lung one-on-one, partly to put the Asian crime lord into the Birdcage where he belonged and partly (if he was being honest with himself) for the recognition value. Soloing Lung would’ve put him on the map.

    In the absence of the man himself, Colin decided that he would focus on the other two ABB capes—Oni Lee and the newcomer Bakuda—and deliver a message in no uncertain terms. One: they were not Lung. Two: Any attempt to match their ex-boss’s activities would bring swift and certain retribution. They were a lot easier to Birdcage than he’d been, after all. And if they wanted to argue about it, he was perfectly willing to hand out a beatdown or three to make his point absolutely clear.

    As he pressed the button for the elevator, he nodded to himself. It sounded like a plan.

    And if the snake came back, he’d just have to deal with that as well. Or recruit it. One of the two.

    It would be worth it just to see the look of horror on the face of the Image rep.


    Snek bumps his snoot against Master’s work room door. One, two, three bumps. Snek is careful not to knock down door. Then Snek puts out his tongue. Master has given Snek tongue that can hold things. It is how Snek helps Master. Also, that Snek can swallow anything dangerous. Snek likes spicy food.

    Snek uses tongue to turn handle, open door. Master is working at Master thing. Is big thing. Sometimes Snek lifts Master on head to reach high-up thing. Snek likes helping Master. Master is good to Snek. Snek is a good boy.

    Snek wriggles into work room and waits. Snek is not hungry. Last meal Snek ate lasted very long time.

    Master turns and looks at Snek. “Yes, Snek?” he asks.

    “Ssnek iss here to help Masster,” Snek says. “Ssnek has sslept, and iss not hungry.”

    Master looks at Snek, then at Master thing he is working on. “I don’t need your assistance right at the moment, Snek,” he says. “But thank you for checking with me. If you want to go and amuse yourself for a few hours, that will be fine.” He reaches out and pets Snek on the snoot. “You’re a good boy, Snek.”

    Snek is very happy. “Thank you, Masster.” Snek likes being petted on the snoot and called a good boy. “Ssnek will go and play now.”

    Snek turns and wriggles from Master’s big room. Snek’s tail is very strong, so is careful to close door and not break it.

    Snek’s winding-post is big and strong and has many resting spots, so Snek goes and plays on it for little while. It is fun, but chasing tail gets boring after awhile. Snek thinks about shouty fire metal man, and wonders if there are other bad men in that world. Master has said Snek can have fun, and chasing bad men is fun. Snek opens wriggle-hole and goes to that world.


    Mouse Protector

    This isn’t fun anymore. I want to go home.

    Diane wiped her glove over her forehead, swiping away sweat. She’d discarded the mouse-themed helmet some time ago, tossing it into an empty alleyway after marking it with a teleport tag just in case. They already knew who she was—how, she still wasn’t sure—and it wasn’t likely to protect against them for more than a second or so. Even Jack Slash was good enough to aim his cuts between the gaps in her armour; he’d already proven that.

    She leaned against the wall and pulled the canteen off her belt. Unscrewing the cap carefully so that she didn’t make any noise, she swallowed the last of the water in it, then marked it with a tag as well and carefully placed it on the ground at her feet.

    Doing so pulled at some of her bandages, and she was sure she could feel fresh blood seeping through them. Goddamn it. They’d been harrying her for the best part of a day, just wearing her down and herding her in circles. Each time she thought she could break out, one of them was waiting for her. Going on the offensive didn’t work either; somehow they knew ahead of time, and had enough reinforcements waiting so that she had to cut and run. Or just run, without cutting.

    Fighting normal villains was fun. Fighting the Nine, especially when it seemed they specifically had it out for her, wasn’t.

    She’d already learned to stay off the rooftops. Shatterbird was positively vicious with her little shards, and Diane knew she could do a lot worse. That was probably what hurt more than anything else; they weren’t being particularly stretched by fighting her. She wasn’t a challenge for them, so they were just taking their time with her. Like cats with a wounded—

    She shut that thought process down hard.

    No. I’m not going to give them the satisfaction. I’m going to take at least one of these bastards down with me.

    They didn’t have eyes on her right at that moment, and she still had a few tricks up her sleeve. Easing down to the mouth of the alleyway, she peered around the corner … and there stood Hatchet Face on the sidewalk. Smirking. Bouncing that damn great axe on his hand like he couldn’t wait to use it on her.

    “Hi.” He grinned with his snaggled teeth, and she really wished he hadn’t. “Run, little mousey, run.”

    Just for a second, she considered going for his eye with her sword. It was sharp, made of good steel, and might just penetrate to his brain. But she’d be well inside his range then, and if she didn’t get him, he would most certainly get her. The man was far faster than someone his size should be. No, she wanted to save her death-or-glory attack for Bonesaw. That murderous little munchkin had a death toll out of all proportion to her time in the Nine.

    She reversed direction around the corner, ready to turn and bolt down the alley, but something nudged her in the back.

    Shit. Fuck. Bollocks. I let them sneak up on me.

    Turning her head fractionally, she looked to see which member of the Nine was about to sign her death warrant. And damn near wet herself, right then.

    Looking back at her, via eyes that managed to look bright and interested, was a snake the length of one of those articulated city buses, which had somehow managed to insert itself into the alleyway behind her while she wasn’t looking. Its head alone was damn near the size of a subcompact car.

    Its tongue flickered out and back. She had just enough time to register that the appendage seemed oddly configured, rather than the simple fork that most snakes used, before it spoke. “Hello,” it said with a hissing undertone. “Bad man? Ssnek help?”

    What the fuck. Why not. “Yes,” she said. “Bad man. Snek help. Please?”

    She had absolutely no fucking idea what was going on, but she knew the Nine did not have a giant talking snake on their roster. This was the Hail Mary pass to end all Hail Mary passes. Either it helped her, or it ate her. Forget rock and hard place; she was a tired, wounded mousey besieged by a whole pack of rabid, hungry cats. Any snake in a storm.

    “Ssnek help,” the snake confirmed, and flowed past her around the corner, like liquid. If something that came nearly up to her waist and was covered with gleaming scales could be said to ‘flow’.

    “Hey, who you talking to—” Hatchet Face broke off what he was saying. “Holy motherfucking—!”

    There was a loud hiss, like a steam boiler letting off pressure, then a clang. Diane had no idea what that was about, but she knew what the next noise was. A deep-throated scream of agony, wrenched from the throat of the multiple murderer known as Hatchet Face. More of the endless length of the snake slithered past her—wonderingly, she put out her hand and let her fingers trail over the smooth scales as it passed her by—and she heard the crack of bones breaking, one after the other.

    Carefully, she peeked around the corner. The axe lay discarded on the sidewalk, and Hatchet Face was basically engulfed in coil after coil of the snake’s body. As she watched, it shifted, and the sounds of more bones breaking came to her ears.

    The snake’s head turned to face her. “Bad man sstopped. More bad men?”

    Dazedly, she nodded. “Uh, yeah. Bad men, bad women, even a bad child.”

    The massive head tilted sideways questioningly. “Ssnek not hurt child. Bad to hurt child.”

    “This kid’s hurt and killed hundreds or even thousands of people,” Diane said wearily. “She’s killed kids by the dozen. By the hundred. Killed them and done even worse.” She’d seen the little spider-bots, and knew how they were made.

    “Then Ssnek sstop her,” the snake said definitively. It uncoiled from the twisted, mangled and very dead body of Hatchet Face. She wasn’t even surprised when it began to engulf its prey, unhinging its jaw and swallowing down Hatchet Face’s bulk in an amazingly short time.

    Well, he wanted to kill me. I can’t say I’m unhappy that he’s dead.

    The snake turned back to her. “Ssnek iss Ssnek.” It looked at her almost expectantly.

    Seriously? That’s actually its name? Then again, she wasn’t exactly in a position to point and laugh. “Uh, Mouse Protector. Diane.”

    “Mouss,” it said. “Iss good name.”

    “Thanks.” She took a deep breath, ignoring the stab of her injured ribs and the rest of her multitude of aches and pains. “Listen, you seem like a nice … uh, snake, but if you’ve got a way out of here, some mousehole we can scamper away through, that would probably be best. Because the rest of these guys won’t be pleased—”

    “On the contrary, my dear Mouse Protector, I’m positively thrilled.”

    The voice had come from above. Carefully, Diane turned and looked, as did Snek. There, on the rooftop opposite, stood Jack Slash next to the Siberian, who had Bonesaw on her shoulders and her hand on his arm. Their skin and clothing showed the monochrome tinge that people under the Siberian's protection normally exhibited. Shatterbird hovered farther up above them; while she hadn’t seen Mannequin and Burnscar, they were probably close by as well. She was just as happy to not see Crawler right then; as big as Snek was, he would almost certainly have problems with the misshapen cape.

    “And why are you thrilled, Jack-Jack?” The mocking tone was second nature to her. “We just wrecked Hatchet Face.”

    “Oh, I’m aware.” She got the impression that he was less happy than he was putting across with his façade. “So who is your fascinating friend? I’m not aware of any capes getting about as giant snakes.”

    “Cannot ssmell sstripy one,” Snek said quietly. “No ssmell, no heartbeat, no breath, no warmth. Not alive. Dangerouss?”

    “Very dangerous,” Diane confirmed, speaking softly. “She can tear you apart with her bare hands, she can’t be hurt, and she can protect anyone she’s touching. That’s Jack Slash with her. A very bad man.” She raised her voice. “This is Snek. Snek doesn’t like bad men.” Oh, god. Now I’m talking the same way.

    Jack slash laughed out loud. “Oh, he doesn’t, does he? Well, this is interesting. We get paid by Ravager to hunt you down, and we get your pet snake as well. Crawler will be happy; he hasn’t had a proper challenge in some time.” A blade gleamed in his hand; Diane tensed, but he seemed to be merely twirling it absently rather than directing it with malice aforethought.

    One huge eye swivelled toward Diane. “Ssnek eat?” asked the snake hopefully.

    Diane released the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding since the mention of Ravager—that humourless unimaginable bottom-feeder hired the Nine to kill me? If I get out of this, I am so gonna wedgie her so hard the next time we meet, her kids will spontaneously lose the ability to procreate—and nodded. If they were going to go down, she figured they may as well go down fighting. “Snek eat.”

    Rapidly she formulated a plan, which basically involved marking her sword, throwing it at Slash himself, then teleporting to where it was. Surprise counted for a lot in a situation like that. But before she could begin to carry it through, Snek pulled off its own plan.

    Pulling back its head slightly, Snek tasted the air just as a dull-black circular portal appeared before its nose. The enormous head blurred as it struck through the portal; Diane spun around at a flicker of movement and saw Snek’s head emerging from what looked like empty air behind Jack Slash. Rolling its head to one side, Snek opened its jaws wide and clamped them around Jack Slash’s waist, then immediately pulled him back through the hole. In the instant after the Siberian’s hand lost contact with his arm, Snek bit down hard. A remarkably familiar sound of bones (and possibly organs) popping and crackling resulted, as well as a pained scream from the leader of the Nine.

    Almost without thinking, Diane drew her sword and stabbed Jack Slash through the eye. He wasn’t Bonesaw, but he was definitely a viable target. The blade hung up for a second, then she leaned on it, and it went all the way in. Jack Slash convulsed in a way that indicated he wasn’t getting up again … ever.

    And then, while the Siberian was still staring at the hand which had been resting on Jack Slash’s arm, the giant snake struck again. This time, it arched its back and lunged downward into a new portal that formed on the concrete beneath it. Wide-eyed, Diane watched as Snek’s head appeared from above Bonesaw, jaws wide. Its mouth closed around the girl’s upper body then yoinked upward again through the portal, bringing Bonesaw’s body (legs still kicking) with it. With a wriggling motion, Snek swallowed. Bonesaw vanished down the snake’s capacious gullet like an errant chicken nugget.

    That was when the Siberian’s expression turned from annoyance to incandescent rage. She looked across the narrow street at where Diane stood next to Snek, and leaped. Before Diane could even think about teleporting to one of her various marks, she found herself grabbed by that same mouth—though much more gently—and plunged through what she could only imagine was another one of those portals.

    Snek could really travel, Diane later decided. At some point in the mad dash, she found herself seated comfortably just behind the huge snake’s head, riding astride like she’d been doing it all her life. From one portal to another, they jumped from world to world, never looking back in case the Siberian was still chasing them.

    The first world they hit was a nightmarish version of World War One trench warfare in a sea of mud, with artillery going off and shells bursting around them as Snek powered across the landscape at speeds that maybe only aircraft could match. Diane just had time to get a blurred impression of rumbling tanks four and five storeys tall facing off against brass and steel mecha before they dived into another portal.

    One after another, the worlds flickered by. A cityscape of impossibly tall buildings, with ponderous airships drifting between. An ethereally beautiful unspoilt landscape with a castle in the distance and a huge ringed planet in the sky. Primeval forests, with feathered dinosaurs turning to look at them as they blazed past. What she would’ve sworn was New York Times Square, but with saurians populating the sidewalks, complete with stubby tails.

    And then Snek slowed to a halt, in the back streets of what looked like an ordinary city; the street signs were in English, even. “Ssnek bring Mouss home.”

    “This is home?” Diane looked around. It looked about right. Felt about right, too, though she suspected it was a little farther north than she had been when the Nine was hunting her.

    “Yess. Ssame ccity as sshouty fire metal man. Did Ssnek do good?”

    She climbed off the snake’s back and gave its head a hug, then kissed it on top of its snout for good measure. “Yes, Snek. You did real good. You saved this mousey’s tail. Thank you.” She wondered who the ‘shouty fire metal man’ was, and what had happened to him.

    “Ssnek happy. Ssnek see Mouss again?”

    Diane nodded, and scratched the top of its nose. It seemed to like that. “Sure, Snek can see Mouse again. Just one thing. You said you didn’t hurt children, but you just swallowed Bonesaw like a party treat.”

    Snek nodded. “Yess. Bad child alive. Take to Masster. Masster fix. Masster fix anything.”

    She blinked. “Oh. Okay. Just a word of warning? She does diseases really, really good.”

    “Ssnek tell Masster. Bye-bye, Mouss.”

    “Bye, Snek.” She waved, and watched as the enormous reptile slithered down the street a ways, then opened a portal and vanished down it almost quicker than the eye could see.

    Well, that was a thing. She stretched, then pulled out a scarf from a belt pouch and tied it around her face as a makeshift mask. Might as well get in touch with the local PRT and ask for a bed for the night. I wonder what they’ll say when I tell them that a giant snake saved me from the Slaughterhouse Nine?

    Yeah, like they’ll believe that.
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2021
  12. Radek

    Radek Promethean

    Jul 22, 2017
    Likes Received:
    Piggot: headache intensifies. Mouse Protector: very confused. General populace: worried and happy. Snek is a Good Boy.
    Alex Ander, trudny1, Flixie and 34 others like this.
  13. RichardWhereat

    RichardWhereat Aia airëa Fëanáro.

    Oct 1, 2016
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    So... the spider bots are modelled after the Master's drones? With the brains of children inside them?
  14. Vanbers

    Vanbers Well worn.

    Apr 3, 2016
    Likes Received:
    PRT: "...How do we pay bounties to a giant interdimensional snake?"
  15. Pyro Hawk

    Pyro Hawk Unsure if Phoenix or Kitsune

    Jan 14, 2015
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    The PRT is going to be extremely concerned when they learn just what Mouse Protector saw between leaving Earth Bet and returning to Earth Bet. Because if they put any serious thought into it, they're going to learn that either Parahuman abilities can be VERY different between worlds... Or the Snek can travel between worlds where there's different laws of reality. Because those four or five story tall tanks fighting against functional brass or steel mecha? Yeah, that needs something 'extra' to mean that they're both practical to use, and able to be used in large numbers like the fact she saw multiple of them on either side of the battle suggests is the case. After all, if there were two or three on one side, that suggests it might have been a Tinker. But two or three on both sides actively fighting each other across the trench line? Suggests both sides have Tinkers that are duplicates of each other, or each side can mass produce to a limited degree at least, what would be tinkertech on Earth Bet.
  16. thethomas

    thethomas Everyone's twin!

    Mar 25, 2020
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    They'll probably be pretty worried about Snek having a master and that he's bringing buzzsaw to be fixed by said master. The title "Master" has a very different connotation for the prt.
  17. randomchance

    randomchance I like words

    Sep 3, 2018
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    This story is exactly what I needed, it's amazing!
    Wintercat, Douglas and Ack like this.
  18. Elmoslayer5

    Elmoslayer5 UNGABUBGA

    Jan 30, 2021
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    Question: If at all possible can we get a story from the masters pov? aka: The Life of The Master. Would love to see how he got powerful and found Snek and the other creatures. (if possible, if not then muh. Keep, keeping on)
    Corvus 501, DrDeth and Ack like this.
  19. Scopas

    Scopas I trust you know where the happy button is?

    Nov 1, 2018
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    I believe you're referring to Tiny Snek Adventures. A good series that sadly seems to have gone on hiatus. I hope that it resumes again someday, I loved the Tanya-level of misunderstanding and lack of communication resulting in catastrophe.
    Corvus 501, thethomas and Ack like this.
  20. LordTom

    LordTom Know what you're doing yet?

    Feb 24, 2021
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    Where can I find it ?
    Grimmouse197 and Ack like this.
  21. Scopas

    Scopas I trust you know where the happy button is?

    Nov 1, 2018
    Likes Received:
  22. thethomas

    thethomas Everyone's twin!

    Mar 25, 2020
    Likes Received:
    Thanks for this! Looks like there's new stuff I hadn't read yet so I'll be giving that a reread.
    Do you guys think I should I spoiler my description of it?
    Grimmouse197 and Ack like this.
  23. One-who-reads

    One-who-reads Illuminatus

    Jul 5, 2019
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    Not sure, but I don't think it counts as "vore" unless it's sexualized. Snek is just eating bad people, there's nothing sexual about it.

    Also, this is amazing, and Snek is my favorite Worm protagonist now.

    Just imagine "Snek is good boy" meeting "Dex Starr is good kitty". So much WAFF.
  24. Scopas

    Scopas I trust you know where the happy button is?

    Nov 1, 2018
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    Just depends on what happens to the blonde loli named Riley, I guess.
  25. Mastersgt

    Mastersgt Experienced.

    Dec 26, 2019
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    loving it.
    Ack, FlagrantSplash1 and Grimmouse197 like this.
  26. firethorn

    firethorn Making the rounds.

    Feb 14, 2015
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    A good point. That said, I figure that Snek, given that one of his given duties is hazardous material disposal for his Master (probably an Epic level Wizard), has probably been modified to contain any diseases that she might release while in his "storage"(as opposed to his stomach/gullet). He might even have a modified craw/crop for storing things not to be digested(yet).
    lurkinglurker, Cubbyhb1, Ack and 3 others like this.
  27. Scopas

    Scopas I trust you know where the happy button is?

    Nov 1, 2018
    Likes Received:
    Fine by me - a quick death is no fun! Surely there's something more amusing he could do instead.
    Ack likes this.
  28. Threadmarks: Food Run

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Snek is a Good Boy

    Part Three: Food Run

    Director Emily Piggot
    Parahuman Response Teams

    “When I looked around, I found out I was in Brockton Bay, so I decided to come here and let you guys know about the Nine.” Mouse Protector, wearing what looked like a temporary cloth mask, perched on the edge of the conference room table, ignoring the chair that had been placed for her. “Oh, and about Snek.”

    “‘Snek’.” Emily got in just before Assault’s disbelieving snort. “Is that what you called it?”

    “Oh, no.” The flamboyant hero waved her hand dismissively. “That’s what he called himself. It fits, too. He’s the snekkiest snek that ever snekked.”

    Armsmaster, who had been about to speak, acquired an expression of pain under the visor of his helmet. This gave Assault the chance to interject. “So you’re saying that this giant danger noodle, that saved you from the Slaughterhouse Nine and can crawl between dimensions and eat people alive, calls itself Snek?”

    “That’s what I’m saying, Red.” Mouse Protector rolled her eyes. “Though I wouldn’t so much call him a danger noodle. More like a nope rope. A really big nope rope. I mean, most of him was about waist-high to me. Also, pretty sure that whoever he gave his loving cuddles to, if you know what I mean, wasn’t alive by the time he started nomming them down.”

    Battery looked a little green at that, and Emily cleared her throat to bring the meeting back on track. “Does this look like the creature you encountered?” There was no force on Earth that would compel her to use the name ‘Snek’ in relation to it. Clicking a control, she brought up the imagery Armsmaster had salvaged from the ABB member’s phone, on the screen that filled the far wall.

    Mouse Protector spun in place and crossed her legs, ignoring the fact that her boots were now resting on the table. Emily gritted her teeth, choosing not to fight that battle right now. If the irritating woman figured out just how much this got under Emily’s skin, she would do it twice as much.

    “Oh, hey, yeah.” Mouse Protector’s face lit up as she watched the giant snake’s head rearing over the crowd, then listened to it speaking. “That’s my Snekky-poo, alright. Isn’t he just too adorbs for words?”

    “More like adorrifying,” Assault corrected her. “It’s eaten three extremely dangerous capes that we know of. And they’re probably not its only victims.”

    “Both of whom were villains and murderers, one of which had a kill order, and the other one was a huge dick,” Mouse Protector retorted. “Snekky just wants to help people. And he only ate Hatchet Face, not Jack Slash.”

    “I think Assault was referring to Bonesaw,” Battery said. “And from what you say, Slash is dead anyway. You said you stuck your sword in his eye?”

    “All the way through to the thinky-bits,” Mouse Protector agreed happily. “Oh, and Snek didn’t eat Bonesaw. He was just keeping her to give to someone he called Master.” She tilted her head thoughtfully. “Unless the name really was Masster, with two s’s. It’s hard to tell with Snek. He hisses everything. But I love the big goof anyway.”

    “Wait, Master?” Emily felt a flare of worry. “This creature is controlled by a Master? That could be problematic. Very problematic. What did it say they were going to do with Bonesaw?”

    Mouse Protector rolled her eyes. “I didn’t exactly have a long conversation with him. We were too busy doing the five-minute tour of every alternate world I could think of. But I’m pretty sure he said Masster—” she drew the hissing sound out, “—could ‘fix’ her, whatever that meant. Sounds to me like he was acting of his own free will.”

    “Unless ‘fix’ was code for ‘bring her under its Master’s power’.” Armsmaster’s voice was hard and flat. “And if this Master could summon or create something so powerful as this creature—”

    “Snek.” Mouse Protector raised her eyebrows under her mask. “Wow, it’s almost like you have trouble remembering his name.”

    As I was saying,” snapped Armsmaster harshly. “What could they do with Bonesaw under their power? What does it mean for Earth Bet?”

    “Snek Two: Electric Snekaloo?” suggested Assault flippantly.

    “Aww, man,” complained Mouse Protector. “You beat me to it.” She turned back to Emily. “Snek’s just a big cuddle-bunny, really. Sure, he likes snacking—heh, snekking—down on supervillains, but that’s a feature, not a bug. He was really nice to me. Saved me from the Nine, and helped me kill Jack Slash, so that’s a huge point in his favour. Just saying.”

    Emily considered the type of person who would call a sixty-foot anaconda ‘a big cuddle-bunny’. For her part, she would be calling in an airstrike on the location, but that was just her. “Be that as it may. If you have any further encounters with the creature while you’re in Brockton Bay, I want a report about it on my desk as soon as possible.”

    “Sure, okay.” Mouse Protector grinned. “If you want, I can bring him in to meet you. He’s real friendly. I’m sure you two would get along like a house on fire.”

    “Screaming, mass panic, extensive property damage …” murmured Assault.

    Emily ignored the interjection. “That … won’t be necessary. But any indication of this thing’s intentions and whether it’s going to make a regular showing here would be … good to have.” Especially if it never intends to come back ever again, she didn’t say, but everyone seemed to understand anyway.

    Mouse Protector rolled off the table and landed on her feet, then came to attention and ripped off a perfect—and entirely unneeded—salute. “You got it, ma’am!” she declared. “Mouse Protector is on the job!” Then she vanished.

    Sighing, Emily massaged her forehead with thumb and forefinger. That’s what I’m afraid of. “Everyone else,” she said quietly, but the words alone were enough to get the attention of the rest of the room.

    “Ma’am?” That was Armsmaster.

    “If any of you encounter this … thing … while out and about in Brockton Bay, do not antagonise it. Call in backup, discreetly, but only engage it if innocents appear to be at risk. If it speaks with you, attempt to get the same information as I charged Mouse Protector to gather, and record the entire interaction.”

    “And if it has Bonesaw with it?” That was Assault, sounding somewhat more serious than usual.

    That’s the sixty-four million dollar question, isn’t it. Emily absolutely hated having to make calls like this out of the blue. “If Bonesaw is with it, assume that innocents are in danger, and neutralise Bonesaw as precisely as possible. Only attack the creature directly if it defends Bonesaw or goes on the attack itself.”

    “That could go badly wrong, very quickly,” Battery noted. “Especially if its ‘Master’ has actually ‘fixed’ Bonesaw, whatever that means. It’s clearly quite effective. Antagonising an unknown player—the snake or its owner—without knowing their full capabilities or motives …” She shook her head. “It sounds risky to me.”

    Emily slapped her hand on the tabletop with a crack. “Of course it’s risky! Waking up in the morning in this damn city is risky! If you can point out to me a risk free course of action, I’d love to hear it. Until then, that’s the way we’re playing it.” She waited as the silence stretched out. When it reached twenty seconds by her count, she nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

    “Would you like me to start researching counters for this thing and its Mover capabilities?” asked Armsmaster.

    “Only when it doesn’t interfere with your regular duties. Of course, if it reveals itself to be hostile, that research will become part of your regular duties.” She stood up. “You have your orders. Good day to you.”


    Snek is a little bit bored, a little bit hungry. Snek is happy that there are many bad men in that world where Mouse lives. Bad man with axe not as spicy as shouty fire metal man, but still tasty. Mouse was nice. Snek happy that he saved her.

    Snek knocks on Master’s door with snoot. Three knocks, like Master taught him. Snek is proud that he remembers. Then he uses grasping-tongue to open door. Door opens and Snek wriggles in. It is more polite to use door than wriggle-hole, and Snek wants to be polite to Master. Master is good to Snek.

    Master is speaking with little girl Snek brought to Master to fix. Before Master fix, little girl call herself Bonesaw. After Master fix, she call herself Riley. Snek likes sound of name. Riley does not have any hissy noises in it, so Snek can say properly.

    “Hello, Snek,” says Master. “Did you want something?”

    “Ssnek wantss to know if Masster needss him for anything,” Snek says. “Wass going to go play.”

    Master turns and looks at work room. Is big, with many strange things Snek does not understand. Sometimes Snek helps by getting things, or lifting Master to high spot. Snek likes helping Master do this. Master is good to Snek.

    “I don’t need your assistance right now, Snek, but I will later on,” Master says. “So go and play, but be back in two hours.”

    “Excuse me,” says Riley. She points at Snek. “Can I ask him something?”

    “Certainly,” says Master. “Don’t say anything that might confuse him, though.”

    “I’ll try not to.” Riley turns to Snek. “Are you going back to Earth Bet?”

    “Ssnek not know Earth Bet,” Snek says. “Iss it world where Ssnek found Riley?”

    Riley nods. “That’s the one. Um, do you know what fast food is? I’ve got a craving for a burger and fries like you wouldn’t believe.”

    Snek know what ‘fast’ means, and what ‘food’ is, but does not think Riley wants food that runs away. Snek very fast, but little girl legs not run fast enough to catch food.

    “Ssnek not know. Masster help?”

    Master makes sound like laugh, and says magic words under his breath. He waves toward Riley then toward Snek, and suddenly Snek knows what Riley means by ‘fast food’.

    Snek looks at Riley. “Riley wantss Ssnek to fetch fasst food for her?”

    Riley shakes head. “I will never understand how that works,” she says to Master, then turns to Snek. “If you could, please. I’d really appreciate it.” Riley makes eyes big as she says this.

    “Careful with those puppy-dog eyes,” says Master with smile. “Snek considers dogs to be a delicacy, not something to be petted.”

    Snek thinks this is Master joke. Riley not look like dog. “Ssnek will fetch fasst food for Riley. What fasst food Riley want?”

    “Well, I’ve heard of this place in the northeast,” says Riley. “Uh, could I have something to make a list on? And what are we going to use for money?”

    “I have a collection of currency from many worlds,” says Master. He snaps his fingers and scroll appears in midair with magic quill. “Recite your list.”

    Riley begins to speak.


    On the Boardwalk

    Missy heard the sound of multiple horns being sounded from two blocks away. She looked around at Dennis, who was in the process of getting a selfie with with a tourist, making sure to get the Protectorate headquarters in the background. “You hear that?”

    “Yup. Just … one … second … there!” The phone camera let out its electronic click, and Dennis handed the phone back to its owner. “There you go. A masterpiece, if I do say so myself.”

    “Wow, thanks. My friends back home are gonna be so jealous.” The teen girl would have probably said more, but Missy cleared her throat meaningfully.

    “Sorry, gotta go and do superhero stuff.” Dennis came over to where Missy was standing. “So people are honking their horns. So what?”

    “If I’m right, they’re honking their horns right outside Fugly Bob’s,” Missy said. “This could mean many things. Most of them, not good.”

    “Okay, yeah, good point. We should totally check that out.” Dennis activated his radio. “Clockblocker to console. We’re on the Boardwalk. There’s some kind of disturbance at Fugly’s. Me and Vista are about to go check it out.”

    “Console copies.” Kid Win sounded resigned. “If you get some, grab me some fries, will you?” He paused. “Whoa, hey, wait a minute.”

    “What?” asked Missy over her own radio. “What’s going on?”

    There was a pause. “Ahh … we just got a nine-one-one call that a giant snake is on site there. It’s in the drive-through. Look, check it out, but stay clear and don’t antagonise it. Clock, this is directly from the Director. Don’t do anything that might even seem like an attack. Got it?”

    Which meant ‘no freezing it for the lulz’. Not that Dennis did that anymore, since spending about two months solid on console duty, but Triumph still held it over his head. Missy didn’t think Dennis needed the warning, but it was probably better to be safe than sorry.

    “Got it,” Missy said crisply, echoed a moment later by Dennis. She turned off her microphone and took Dennis by the arm. “Let’s go see what sort of giant snake causes this sort of ruckus.”

    There were people up and down the Boardwalk, but Missy had ways around that. She took a sightline on a nearby rooftop, then crunched space so that they could both step onto it with ease. Three steps later, they were overlooking Fugly Bob’s.

    “Um,” said Dennis, his usual eloquence deserting him. “Okay, now that’s definitely a snake.”

    “And it’s definitely in the drive-through,” agreed Missy, equally taken aback.

    She’d been expecting a python of some sort; as far as she knew, those were the only type that grew to any significant size. Five or six yards would’ve counted as ‘giant’ for her. Ten yards would’ve been insane. This thing had to be …

    “What would you say, seventy feet long?” Dennis’ voice was a little strangled inside his helmet. “Four feet thick?”

    Battling a sense of unreality, Missy shook her head. “Sixty, tops. Maybe three feet thick. It’s … wow … actually going through the drive-through.”

    Sure enough, all the honking was from cars trying to gain access to the drive-through lane, which was taken up for a good four car-lengths behind it. Only in Brockton Bay, Missy decided, would idiots in cars try to dispute right of way with a reptile the length of a city bus.

    In front of the tremendous reptile, it seemed that orders were being filled with somewhat more alacrity than normal. Nobody wanted to be responsible for upsetting the enormous scaly creature that was even now slithering up to the first window.

    Beside Missy, Dennis tensed. When he spoke, his voice was devoid of his usual bantering humour. “If it tries to go in through the window, give me a spot to touch and I’ll freeze it solid.”

    “Got it.” Missy was fully aware that they’d been told not to antagonise it, but when escalation happened, they were in no way obliged to stand back and allow innocents to be slaughtered.

    It reached the window and appeared to address the attendant within. Its mouth opened, and what looked like a tongue emerged, somehow holding something. It proffered this to the window.

    “What is that?” murmured Missy.

    “Damned if I know, but I just know they’re gonna want pics,” Dennis replied. He had his phone in his hand, and he was taking one photo after another.

    Missy huffed, and held up her hands as if framing a movie shot. Within the rectangle, she squeezed space so that it suddenly seemed a lot closer to the drive-through window. She was just in time to see the attendant gingerly take what looked like a rolled-up scroll, then the giant snake’s tongue pulled back into its mouth.

    There was a pause, then the attendant said something; Missy couldn’t hear exactly what it was, but she assumed it was a price, because this time the snake’s tongue emerged holding what looked like money. She wasn’t a herpetologist, and they hadn’t done snakes in biology, but she was pretty sure their tongues didn’t work that way. Only, this one’s did. Also, it seemed to keep money in its mouth.

    This is not a normal snake.

    A moment later, the ridiculousness of the statement got back to her, and she face-palmed. What part of ‘sixty-foot snake going through a fast food drive-through’ was normal, after all?

    “Okay,” she said, dropping the space-crunch. “You good to get a bit closer?”

    “Closer?” Dennis didn’t sound overly enthusiastic at the prospect. “Why?”

    “I want to talk to it.”

    Slowly, Dennis shook his head. “And why the hell not,” he murmured. “Sure, let’s do this thing. If I die horribly as snake chow, make sure to edit out the girly scream, okay?”

    Missy snorted. “No promises.”


    “Excuse me?”

    Snek looks around. There is fence next to where Snek is, and two people on other side of fence. There is boy and girl. Boy is in white and girl is in green. Little girl in green is waving hand.

    “Hello, green girl,” says Snek. Vehicle in front moves forward. Snek wriggles forward too. Master has been definite about not wriggling over vehicles.

    The boy and the girl walk forward until they are next to Snek again. “Hello,” says girl. “What are you doing?”

    “Ssnek iss fetching fasst food for Riley and Masster,” says Snek proudly. “Masster gave Ssnek money. Ssnek iss buying thingss.”

    “Your name is Snek?” asks girl. Beside him, boy in white puts hand on blank place where face should be.

    “Ssnek iss Ssnek,” says Snek proudly. “Ssnek iss a good boy.”

    “I can see that,” says girl. “I’m Vista, and this is … uh, Clock.”

    “Hello, Vissta,” says Snek. “Hello, Clock.” Snek is meeting many new friends. Snek likes this world.

    Boy in white called Clock raises hand slightly. “Uh … who did you say you were buying the fast food for?”

    “Ssnek is buying fasst food for Masster and Riley,” Snek says. “Riley assk for burger and friess. Masster give Ssnek money to buy.” He has never bought things with money before. This is fun!

    “Who is your Master?” asks girl in green called Vista.

    “Masster is Masster,” Snek says. “Masster iss powerful wizard, livess in big casstle. Doess great magic. Ssnek helpss Masster.”

    “Of course he is,” says boy in white called Clock, but does not say loudly. Snek is pleased that he understands.

    Snek reaches window where food-smell comes out of. Friendly person there has paper bags for Snek. Snek unfolds tongue-graspers and takes bags, stores them in storage-place in throat. Riley has said there is something called ‘Challenger’ in there for Snek. “Thank you,” Snek says. Snek likes to be polite.

    Snek opens wriggle-hole to home then looks at new friends. “Goodbye, Vissta. Goodbye, Clock.” Wriggles into wriggle-hole. Getting fast food is fun!



    Missy stared as the giant snake just … vanished into a hole that had appeared in midair, its entire sixty-foot length whipping through in less than a second. And of course, the hole—which her power was going nuts over—closed again, afterward. She shared a glance with Dennis, wishing for once that she could see his expression. It had to be at least as gobsmacked as hers.

    “Well, that happened,” he said at last.

    “That absolutely happened,” she agreed. “What just happened, I’m not totally sure, but whatever it was, it surely happened.”

    He nodded at her sage wisdom. “So, get us through to Fugly’s?”

    “Why?” She tilted her head. “It didn’t attack them. In fact, it even thanked them.”

    He held up a finger. “It had an order for them. Written down. I want to see that list.”

    Slowly, she nodded. For all his carefree demeanour, Dennis had a brain, and sometimes it showed. “Yeah. I want to see that, too.”

    As she prepared to get them over to the front entrance of Fugly’s, Dennis snickered. “Man, is the Director gonna blow a gasket over this or what?”

    “What about? The giant snake, or the fact that it was just getting drive-through?”

    He snickered harder. “Yes.”
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2021
  29. Scopas

    Scopas I trust you know where the happy button is?

    Nov 1, 2018
    Likes Received:
    Giggling like a lunatic to myself. Snek is a good boy. Glad to see that Riley didn't get vored, and even apparently got something of a factory reset. As always, being Piggot is suffering, especially when having to deal with smartass parahumans.
  30. NohVoha

    NohVoha Making the rounds.

    Apr 15, 2021
    Likes Received:
    Snek is such a hoot, I love it. Just hope piggot doesn’t croak because of him.