1. For prospective new members, a word of warning: don't use common names like Dennis, Simon, or Kenny if you decide to create an account. Spammers have used them all before you and gotten those names flagged in the anti-spam databases. Your account registration will be rejected because of it.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Since it has happened MULTIPLE times now, I want to be very clear about this. You do not get to abandon an account and create a new one. You do not get to pass an account to someone else and create a new one. If you do so anyway, you will be banned for creating sockpuppets.
    Dismiss Notice
  3. For a trial period of one week, allowed avatar size has been increased to 256kb, up from 51.2kb. During this time, if the forum seems to be loading slow, drop by the topic in the Announcements & Rules sub to let me know.
    Dismiss Notice
  4. QQ will be down for upgrades starting at 2030 EDT. Please be prepared and save any work.
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If you wish to change your username, please ask via conversation to tehelgee instead of asking via my profile. I'd like to not clutter it up with such requests.
    Dismiss Notice
  6. To the many new members following Mr Zoat to our forum, I would suggest a quick read of our Rules. Don't worry, it's not a long post. Pay special attention to Rule 8. We are deadly serious about it.
    Dismiss Notice
  7. Due to the actions of particularly persistent spammers and trolls, we will be banning disposable email addresses from today onward.
    Dismiss Notice
  8. To make things official, I have added a proper description of the method to appeal a moderator action in the Rules thread.
    Dismiss Notice

The Red Eyed Queen

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by siddharth1998m, Apr 15, 2019.

Loading...
  1. siddharth1998m

    siddharth1998m Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    27
    Author Note: This Fic was inspired by Writer with bad Grammar T-T – “Crimson Dragon Emperor and Crimson Eyed Knight”. This story is a SI-OC but she doesn't know the plot after the first arc with Raynare so she doesn't know the full story of Highschool DxD.
    This story borrows elements from Naruto and Bleach.
    From Naruto: - Sharingan, Eternal Mangekyō Sharingan as well as its abilities which will be reveled in the later chapters (My OC is a Sharingan user); and Chakra also work similarly in this story as it did in Naruto so all chakra user of Highschool DxD can use jutsus from Naruto.
    From Bleach: -Angels as well as Exorcists use Quincy abilities while fallen Angels can use Kido. Now this doesn't mean Angels and Fallen Angels can’t use spears of light they can still use it how this work will be explained in the later chapters.
    The is a Femslash fanfic the OC will also not have Harem she will pick a partner and stick with her. Issei on the other hand will have a haram.
    Also if it has grammar mistakes please forgive me as English is not my first language
    I Don’t Own Naruto, Bleach or Highschool DxD
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Prologue
    ? POV
    Another normal day at school, it's been 17 years since I was born in this world
    You must be confused about what I mean by this world aren't you? Well to tell you the truth I’m not who I am
    Anyways, my name is Akane, but my name from before was Lisa, Lisa Miles. You see I'm not originally from this world. I was doctor before; well you could say new Doctor. I just graduated from a Medical Student 1 year prior, and I'd like to tell you all about my previous life, but that's another story. I will tell you all what happen to me before I born as Akane
    One day I was about to go home from hospital, as new doctor I still worked as a secretary under a senior doctor, at that time. When I was about to cross the road my phone started ringing. I notice the traffic lamp was still red so I decide to answer. It was call from my mother; she was saying she had some problems with my father, who was drinking somewhere. So she asked me to pick him up, since the bar my father liked, is near my work place.
    While I was talking to her I noticed the traffic light become green so I decide to walk while talking on the phone, however what I didn't notice, was that some truck was moving so fast.
    It seems like the driver in hurry so he/she decide to run through, and ignore the traffic lights.
    That's when everything goes to hell.
    At last moment I manage to look at the truck since I hear someone screaming, the last I see was the lights from the truck before it hit me. At the time I feel like I'm flying, and suddenly, BAM! I feel like my backs being crushed by a mountain. I can feel everything slipping; going black. I also notice one other thing…I was going to die.
    With this realization I recall my life. I was able to remember when I graduated from high school with my friends, I remember when I played with some cadaver, when I was still in college, I remember when I laughed, when I was sad, when I fought my parents for my girlfriend, who in the end cheated on me.
    And I realized one thing...
    My life is Seriously Boring.
    I study for 12 years in school from elementary to high school, without anything interesting happening, then I spend 7 years to become doctor, not to mention I was nerd. While I thinking about this I can hear several people screaming, and my body being lifted but it useless, I can feel life start to fade from my body, I can't even open my eyes. I must have hit my head hard for me to rupture my optic nerve; I mutter one thing before I succumb to the darkness
    "I wish the next world is not boring like this one was."
    With that my body went limp.
    First thing I noticed when I died was; It's dark, very dark, it's also frightening, I feel fear start to crawl down my spine, I move, or I try to move, but somehow my body seems to have a hard time to moving!
    Then suddenly I feel something pushing me from behind! I was about to turn and see what push me but I can't! I can't see anything! It is to dark!
    The darkness does not stay for long...
    I suddenly see light. Yes, a light! I can feel my body being pushed to that light! I didn't think anything about that at the time; I was just thinking to get out from this darkness!
    To that light!
    With that I try to move to the light, being helped by something that pushed me on, more precisely I helped pushing me, when I reached the light, suddenly the entire world was a blur to me. It wasn't quite color blindness, but the easiest thing to see was the stark contrast between light and dark.
    I could see shapes and edges but the world looked incredibly confusing. Now this isn't what I expected. I was thinking, trying to see where I was, but something blurry like this?! No, not something expected at all!
    I was about to speak, but I found no words, rather it's more like Babbling? I then yelled, shouted, roared, but my voice it seemed to stay away! I can felt something wetting my face. I tried to touch my face, but I found I can't move my hands or legs! I can feel I was being lifted and carried.
    Now I know I'm not that tall or heavy but…This is ridiculous! I can fell I am being held in the crook of someone's arm! What is carrying me, a Giant; a Monster?!
    Once again fear started to crawl through my body. Naturally I was not the type of person who was easy get afraid of something. I mean I have seen cadavers that only have half a face, cadavers who got it guts spilled, locked alone with a dozen corpses, seeing a gruesome wound from patients, but I don't know why I am afraid now.
    Seeing talking and shouting were useless. I did the only thing I could have. I screamed. I wailed. I cried
    **********************************
    17 years later
    "Issei" A sweet voice called within a bedroom. "Issei It is time to get up now" The voice was that of a young woman, directing it towards the lone bed in the room. "Damn it Issei!! Wake up or we are going to be late for the school”
    Though the young women called, he still in the bed didn't respond to her besides saying "Oppai hehehehe~" in a perverted manner, squeezing his hands across the pillow as his drool came out over said pillow, coating it in his saliva.
    The young man in question was around 17 years old boy of average height, at around 5ft 7inches tall, with short spiky brown hair, with two short locks of hair behind his head, and light brown eyes. He was average build and seemed to be fit for a young man his age.
    This young man was Issei Hyoudou, the younger Twin brother of the young women who was trying to wake him up.
    The young women who was trying to wake her brother was Akane Hyoudou. She was 4 minutes Older than her brother thus being twin siblings they both shared similar features aside from her spikey long black waist-length hair with shoulder-length bangs framing the sides of her face, covering most of her right eye, she also had onyx colored eyes unlike her brother’s light brown eyes. She was wearing a new Kuoh girls uniform that hid her impressive figure.
    “Issei” Akane whispered into her brother’s ears with a dangerously sweet voice. “Wake up or else I will burn all of your porn collection” she threatened her elder brother.
    “Nooooo” The reaction to the threat was instant as Issei screaming. “Well if you don’t want me burn all of them. Then I suggest you go get ready I don’t want to be late at my first day at school because of you” And with that Akane left her brothers room to join her parents for breakfast.
    “Man she hasn't changed one bit” Issei grumbled getting up from his bed rubbing his eyes still sleepy
    “So Akane are you exited for your first day at Kuoh?” Her father asks her while eating his breakfast and reading his newspaper
    “Yeah I guess it would be a new experience for me” Akane tells her father while eating her breakfast
    “Morning Mom Dad” Issei greeted his parent as he joins them for breakfast dressed in his school uniform before he started eating his breakfast in silence which irked Akane a little bit she just got back home yesterday and such was just itching to bully her little brother just a little bit.
    “So Issei did you find yourself a real girlfriend while I was gone or you are still dating your right hand?” Akane asked ribbing her brother. Upon hearing her question both Issei and her Father spewed out what they were chewing while her mother gave her the look she used to give when she used to annoy her brother when they were little.
    “What!!!! Yes, I mean no I have girlfriend now one with a big Oppai” Issei blurted out clearly being caught off-guard by her question. “Sure you do” Akane mocks him Clearly seeing through his white lie
    “Anyways Akane I am surprised that you still wanted to finish your High school in Japan after 6 years of studying in the Boarding School in Italy with Irina” Her Mother asks her deciding to come to her son’s rescue and changes the subject.
    “Well I always wanted to finish my High school with Issei Mom plus Irina was also leaving to start her training as a Priest so it left very little reason for me stay there” Akane answered her mother
    “Well it’s great that you are back home” Issei tells her twin sister with a bright smile “that reminds me which class did She get mom” Issei asks his mother
    “Ohh she is in the same class as you Issei” their mother tells him. “Well then you better follow me Akane” Issei tells his twin sister who nods in response
    They finish their breakfast before leaving for school.
    “This feels kind of nostalgic isn't it” Issei asked his sister as they headed towards the school “You know us going to school together when we were little” He continued
    “Together Dear Brother I distinctly remember it was only me going to school while you had to be dragged there either by Grandpa or Grandma” Akane teased her brother while giggling at the memory
    “I was a kid at that time you know and do you really have bring that memory up again Mom and Dad had finally stopped teasing me about It” Issei moaned about the fact in embarrassment
    “Hey it was you reminiscing about our childhood it just corrected your inconstancy about that time” Akane replied before flicking Issei in the head. “So how is Grandma I heard she went back to Kyoto?” She asked silently as they walked towards the school.
    “Hmm she is fine I guess she visits us once or twice a year and still hadn't changed that much” Issei replied wryly getting a laugh from his sister
    “Did she not call you when you were in Italy as I remember Mom did give her a cellphone as gift on her birthday?” Issei asked
    “and how many times did she call you using that cellphone?” Akane asked back “You know she does not like talking to people on phone and prefers face to face meeting” she continued
    “A person’s mouth can lie but their eyes will always tell the truth” Issei quoted what her grandmother always said to them regarding to talking to someone on phone.
    “So you were paying attention during our lessons” Akane praised Issei a little who just turned his head away from her so she can’t see that he was blushing
    “Anyways how about we do some sparring after the just like the old days” Akane asked
    “I don’t know Akane there is a very good chance that I will hanging out with my friends after school” Issei replied a little apologetically “plus you do remember that Mom rented our grandparents shrine to someone else right?” he continued not realizing that they had reached their destination and were greeted with a shocked expression of the students.
    When they entered the school Campus it caused quite a chaos that one of the perverted trio had a hot chick with him, Akane was rather amused by their reaction
    “Issei!!! Who is the hot chick you”? A bald guy shouts at Issei Clearly angry thinking Issei got a girlfriend before them
    “B34-W23-H89 Damn Issei” A guy tells Issei while Adjusting his glasses
    “Wow that’s actually accurate” Akane tells the guy impressed by his correct observations “Wait seriously” Issei turned towards her with a perverted expression amazed about the reveal “Wait a second…” before he came back to his senses and punches both of them in their faces “That’s my Twin sister you dumb morons”
    “Issei why don’t you introduce your friend to me” Akane asked her brother looking clearly amused by their interaction
    “Yeah sure the bald guy there is Matsuda and the guy with glasses is Motohama, Guys this my Twin sister Akane” Issei Introduces them to each other
    “Ohhh yeah now that I remember you did tell us about your sister once but wasn't she studying abroad?” Motohama asked while adjusting his glasses.
    “Yeah she was studying in Italy but now had transferred back to Kuoh and will be starting her classes today” Issei answered
    “Anyways I will join you two later after I had introduced Akane to our homeroom Teacher” And with that Issei guides her towards their classroom, Issei Introduces her to their Homeroom teacher who told her to wait outside the class and wait for him to call her in so she can introduce herself to the class.
    “All right class we have a new transfer student joining us from Italy. Ms. Hyoudou Please come in” the Homeroom teacher asks Akane to Introduce herself
    Akane enters the class where both the guys and the girls were looking at her with interest as she writes her name in the blackboard “My Name Is Akane Hyoudou I am pleased to meet you all and I look forward to study with you all” Most of the students in the class were surprised that the new girl might be related to One of the perverted trio and were itching to ask her about their relationship which the homeroom teacher picked up.
    “Okay does anybody wants to ask Ms. Akane a question they can ask her before we start the class” the Homeroom teacher tells his class
    “Akane-san are you by means related to Hyoudou-kun over their” the girls introduce herself as Aika Kiryuu asks her
    “Issei is my younger Twin brother Kiryuu-san he is 4 minutes younger than me” Akane answer her question which shocks all the students before their teacher interrupts them and show Akane where she needs to sit and Starts the class.
    ********************
    “So Sona were you able to do a thorough background check on Akane Hyoudou?” A young woman with long knee length crimson hair with an extra pluck sticking out on top, blue eyes with a taint of green, she was tall and had a busty hourglass figure asked out loud while sitting naked in a steam room with a beautiful young woman with a voluptuous figure, very long black hair and violet eyes. Her hair was usually tied in a long ponytail, reaching all the way down to her legs with two strands sticking out from the top and sloping backward, with an orange ribbon keeping it in place.
    This young woman with crimson hair was Rias Gremory who was a 3rd year student at Kuoh Academy and is the Academy's number one idol. She is also known as one of the "Two Great Ladies" and sitting beside her was Akeno Himejima who ranks second in popularity after Rias, and was the other "Two Great Ladies of Kuoh Academy", they were both president and vice-president of the Occult research club of Kuoh Highschool.
    “I have but none of the information is concrete” a young bespectacled woman with a slim figure, black hair styled in a short bob cut and violet eyes answered while sitting in front of Rias in the steam room sitting with her was a young bespectacled woman with long straight black hair that extends all the way down to her knees, with split bangs and heterochromic eyes, with a violet left eye and a light brown right eye.
    This young woman with slim figure was Sona Sitri and the women who was sitting with her was Tsubaki Shinra they were both president and vice president of the Kuoh Academy’s student council.
    “The only solid information I have on her out of the ordinary is that she moved to Italy with the family of exorcists that lived here before the church surrendered this area to your brother. The school she was in is well known place were the church trains their most gifted students to become exorcists” Sona tells Rias in a serious tone.
    Few days ago Sona received information from their principle that a transfer student will be joining their second year batch from Italy It was kind of normal for their school to have few transfer students coming in from abroad. But this was a special case as the girl was Issei Hyoudou’s twin, both Sona and Rias had sensed there was some potential in the boy and wanted him to join their Peerage but they were not able to decide who will get him so Sona was surprised and was curious about the girl and started going through her profile. The information she found on Akane Hyoudou were vague but what she found was concerning enough that she had to contact Rias.
    “An Exorcist? Sona are you sure?” Rias asked her
    “Like I said no information about her is concrete aside from the information I just gave you Rias.” Sona tells her
    “Well she did notice us as well as all of our peerage members the moment she entered school this morning” Akeno tells them as Rias had asked her keep an eye on her “She knew we were keeping an eye her and didn’t seemed that concerned about that” Akeno later added
    “the fact that she has moved back to Japan is also weird” Tsubaki adds
    “Yes Exorcists especially the young one generally don’t leave their academy. Hmmm maybe she is a rouge” Akeno thought out loud
    “Highly unlikely She had submitted legitimate Transfer papers when she took admission here and believe me I have checked them thoroughly” Sona tells Akeno
    “Rias I think we should invite Akane in the clubhouse and ask her directly she is in a devil’s territory after all” Akeno gave her thought on the situation to Rias who took some time think it through “You know what it’s not a bad idea, why don’t you invite Akane to the clubhouse tomorrow but until then I want all familiars to follow her” Rias gave Akeno her orders who nods in response
    “Sona, Tsubaki you two should also join us tomorrow” Rias tells them
    “Why Rias are you thinking about asking her join your peerage” Sona asks slyly already knowing Rias answer.
    “Well she did show more potential than her brother and she does know about us so it’s a win-win situation for both of us, if she decides to join my Peerage you can take Issei Sona” Rias tells Sona
    “And if she doesn’t join your peerage” Sona asks her
    “then we will be back to where we were” Rias replies
    ***************************
    “YOU WHAT” Mr. and Mrs. Hyoudou shouted in disbelief while Akane was eating dinner quietly
    “I have a girlfriend now” Issei said proudly before looking at Akane “what no reactions”
    “I thought you had a girlfriend for a while weren’t you telling me about her during the breakfast today? Or was I right all along” Akane asks slyly smiling at Issei reaction who looked like a deer caught in the headlight
    “O-O Of course I was talking about her we have dating for a while now hehehe” Issei answered her
    “What’s her name anyway” Their mother asks him
    “Yuuma Amano” Issei tells them the name of his girlfriend. That name immediately caught Akane attention “So it begins huh” She whispers to herself deep in thought
    "Hey Akane what's wrong? You seem pale? Are you sick” Issei asks her
    “Well joking aside… Issei seriously, some girl asking to go out with you? Brother I admit you aren't ugly because saying your ugly is the same as saying I am ugly too. From what Mom told me your reputation in the school is not great because you are a pervert, and now out of nowhere this girl comes and asks you on date? Don't you find it strange, have you asked her why she wanted to go out with you?" Akane asked him while both of their parents were looking at Issei with a little worry
    "Hey! Don't you believe in my natural charm?!" Issei said in hurt tone for which he only got a deadpanned look from his family
    “Do you want me to say it out loud” Akane deadpanned
    "But what Akane said is true Issei. You have to be careful okay?" Mother said with a worried tone and Issei nodded.
    "Don't worry! I will introduce her to you tomorrow Akane! Our date is this Sunday; I mean 3 days from now! You have to see her Mom, Dad, Akane, she a beauty, with big Oppai!" Issei said with perverted face that makes Akane roll her eyes “Of course she is a beauty, she is a Fallen Angel after all” she mutters under her breath.
    ***************
     
    Kyryst likes this.
  2. Threadmarks: Chapter-2
    siddharth1998m

    siddharth1998m Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    27
    Chapter-2

    Hyoudou Residence
    It was half past midnight every member of the Hyoudou family were asleep by now everyone except for Akane who was still awake sitting in her bed as she couldn't sleep, her brother's Girlfriend or to be precise the Fallen angel Raynare was on her mind and was making her a little skittish. Though it was not Raynare that was making her skittish as she knew her brother will eventually beat her and if not She herself can deal with her personally she was but a minor annoyance.
    No It was the aftermath that she was worried about as she didn't actually know what was in store for her Dear Brother in the future as she never watched an Episode past the first Arc. Which on hind side she was really regretting that decision "Who knew not watching the entire season of an Anime which was an equivalent to a softcore Pornography with great premise might come to bite back to bite me in my arse" Akane thought bitterly
    Thought one thing Akane was sure about that her brother would not have a normal life of a teenager after that as threat escalation is kind of a normal motif for plot of an Anime, especially this world of Anime where all the mythologies that are known to man are real and she had gotten the first-hand experience of how annoyingly complicated things can get quickly in her travels.
    "I might as well get some training done" Akane muttered as she gets out of her bed and get changed into her normal training clothes a haori and hakama not the best choice for clothing during combat as it slowed down movement but they served as a perfect training garments after you put some weights in them.
    After getting dressed as well as picking up her Battle Deck she left the house through her bedroom window and left for her Grandparents shrine that was situated at the top of in the hilly mountain areas of Kuoh.

    1 A.M After Midnight
    A Bright glowing crimson seal appeared out of nowhere and from it a lone figure came out
    "Ara ara Today sure was interesting" Akeno said to herself just returning home after completing all the contracts she had left pending something that Rias has been bugging her for about a few days now. The only thing that was left for her to do was to check up on her familiars who had been tasked to follow Akane Hyoudou.
    "I Summon Thee Mezu" Akeno summoned her familiars who answered her call immediately as 4 summon seals appeared in front of her four chibi Oni came out which made Akeno frown as one of them did not answer to her call.
    "Mezu where is your younger brother" Akeno asked the Oni who was slightly taller than the three behind him who looked behind at his sibling as if looking for his sibling before turning while rubbing his head as if he was confused himself
    Akeno sighed "Don't bother I will go find him he might have fallen asleep somewhere like the last time as he has not yet returned to summon realm" Akeno said as the rest of the Oni were handing her the Memory tear while the elder Oni bowed before Akeno trying to apologize for his younger brother's mistake which made Akeno laugh softly "It's not a big deal Mezu great job regardless come back to me on Sunday I will have some snacks ready for all of you" she later added which made all of them jump up and down joy before they went back to the summon realm.
    "Now then where are you?" Akeno said to herself as a small orb appeared in her hand which was making a beeping sound telling her how far the her familiar is.
    "Well that's strange he is quite close" Akeno said checking the distance between her and the familiar who was close too close as the map showed the signal was coming from the Lake that was walking distance away from the house.
    After confirming that the signal was correct Akeno left through the backyard door of her house and with the map that tracked her familiar every movement and started to follow the route map showed her towards the signal on foot.
    She was enjoying her walk through the wood in the middle of the night, she normally takes a strolls in the wood like this quite often mostly after she had returned home after finishing that day work but the last few weeks have kept her busy. The sound of crickets and occasional hoot of the owls always calmed her down when she was stressed as it reminded her of her childhood home and how she and her mother would also take strolls together. This was one of the reasons why she choose to live there and not stay with Rias.
    As Akeno got close the location of the signal the sound of swords clashing can be heard coming from the lake and the sound was loud enough to draw her attention. She was pretty sure that her Familiar was not in danger because if that would have been the case he would have activated his Panic button and she and the rest of her peerage would have been alerted immediately. She decided it was best to call some backup and check what was the source of the sound and summoned a Gremory seal called for Rias to come immediately.
    After a few minutes someone did appear in the seal a petite girl with white hair and hazel eyes appeared. The front of her hair has two long bangs going past her shoulders and several loose bangs hanging over her forehead, while the back has a short bob cut. She also wearing a black cat-shaped hair clip on both sides of her hair. She usually wears the Kuoh Academy girls' school uniform, without the shoulder cape but at this moment she was in her PJs.
    "Koneko? Why are you here I called for Rias?" Akeno asked the petite girl who looked like she was still a little asleep
    "Her Parents called her back home for the night" Koneko answered in her usual monotone voice "Why have you called me here Akeno?" Koneko asked after looking around her surroundings Akeno can this time clearly hear the tone of complaint coming from her voice which made Akeno giggle a little
    "For someone who has been a devil as long as I have you still have not gotten used to our sleep schedule Koneko" Akeno tells while her fingers tries to scratch Koneko Cat ears for a purr but only getting a hiss from the annoyed Nekoshou
    Thought the girls where interrupted when they heard some trees falling near the lake "Was that the reason you called?" Koneko asked slapping away Akeno hand
    "Yeah one of my familiars is missing and the signal is coming from the lake. No Panic button has been pressed and he also have not returned to the summon realm" Akeno Quickly informed Koneko about the situation
    "Have you checked the Memory tears?" Koneko asked as she took out her Black fighter gloves with a pink cat paw on the top.
    "My familiars were tasked with following Akane Hyoudou around it will take me a while to go through all of them" Akeno answered "Do you think the individuals at the lake would are hostile" Akeno asked as she saw Koneko put on her Fighter gloves with a frown as when it comes to predicting the outcome of any situation after a quick rundown no one could beat Koneko at that as her instincts were so finely tuned. This was also one of the reasons why Rias stopped bothering her to play chess with her as none of the matches ended with a clear victor as most matches either it ended on a draw or Koneko would draw out the match and annoy Rias to the point that she just forfeits.
    "If the individuals are supernatural then are trespassing on Area that belongs to the Gremory and we have a right to ask question" Koneko replied not clearly answering her question though her voice answered Akeno questions as this voice only used when they are hunting Strays.
    "Be on your guard" Koneko warned Akeno who nodded as they slowly moved toward the area following the blinking signal.
    After walking for a few minutes they came across a few fallen trees that they heard fall before after that the whole area has gone eerie quiet, it looked like whoever was there at the pond is either gone or was now hiding purposefully thought on the other hand her familiars signal has not moved and they were close
    "What do you think Koneko?" Akeno asked her about the fallen trees
    Koneko didn't answer just crouched to check the area of the impact from where the tree broke "Weird"
    "Hmmm?" Akeno questioned
    "Someone was thrown in to this which broke on Impact but the tree did not fall because of the impact like it should have. Look at it yourself" Koneko replied to Akeno who crouched down to check what she was trying to say
    "The force of Impact was enough that person would have gone through the tree causing it to fall the initial impact can be clearly seen in the bark but the tree actually fell because of the its weight. It's like the person thrown disappeared during the impact" Koneko continued
    "Let's move we are close to my familiar" Akeno said getting up while Koneko nodded and they moved towards the signal




    Within a few minute they reached the location Akeno could see the lake now it was looking beautiful under the bright moonlight It was still a little eerie because of the silence.
    "Koneko can you see Mezu somewhere?" Akeno asked looking at the map it should have been beeping as they have reached their destination "Koneko?" she asked again but not getting a reply from her
    "Koneko?" She looked to check on her but she was not there she quickly checked the perimeter to look for her but she was not there
    "What the!.." Akeno noticed she was being consumed by the sand when she tried to use her hand to summon her magic it got constricted by some vine which were pulling her pulling her towards something she quickly checked the source of the vine and found she was being pulled into a tree "Fuck!" She closed her eyes tried to concentrate in order to summon her lighting but failed to do so. Though she felt someone shaking her "Akeno Wake up" She heard Koneko voice calling her
    When Akeno opened her eyes she noticed everything was back to normal Vines from the tree as well as the sand where all gone. The sound of Owls hooting and crickets chirping also returned.
    "What Happened?" Akeno asked out loud felling a little rattled
    "We were under a Genjutsu" She heard Koneko answer from behind. She looked behind to check up on her and noticed She had her hand placed on her back "I had to give you some of my Chakra to break you out of it" Koneko added
    They were interrupted by the beeping sound form Akeno's map notifying them that they had reached their destination
    "Are you okay?" Koneko asked looking a little concerned
    Akeno takes a deep breath before replying to her "I am Fine now. Let go and get Mezu"
    "I can help you with that" A Mysterious voice interrupts them alerting both of them as get ready for a potential fight before checking its source
    "Akane Hyoudou" Akeno said her name out loud recognizing the young women who was sitting on tree branch dressed in a haori and hakama
    "Are you looking for this little guy?" Akane took the Unconscious Oni out and was holding by its tail "I found this little Guy out of my house spying on me. You don't happen to know anything about that Right?" Akane asked them Knowingly Only getting a glare form the two of them which she found amusing
    "Was it you who casted the Genjutsu?" Koneko asked trying to gauge the threat
    "OHH Did you encounter the haunted trees that reside in the mountain areas of Kuoh I heard they like to consume young humans in order to create new trees just like them" Akane replied with a deliberate condescending tone just to annoy them even further but after getting no reaction other than a glare out of them She decided to quit screwing around and jumps down from the tree branch she was sitting on. This made both girls take a step back take a battle pose ready to fight back if Akane attacked them.
    "Here take him" Akane offered them to take back the Oni but none of them came forward to take him instead staying where they are "Come on, I don't have all night to waste here I need to go home take a bath and get some sleep" She tells them who share a look then a nod and Akeno slowly moves towards her to take back her familiar from her hands who give the Oni back without any problem.
    "Now then It was wonderful meet you two on this lovely night but its time I go back home" Akane tells then as she leaves "WAIT!" Akeno stops her from leaving
    "I have a message for you from my Master Rias Gremory" Akeno tells her as she put her familiar in her skirt's pocket he looked fine and was in a deep sleep.
    "Go on" Akane asks her to continue curious about the message
    "My Master has invited you join us in our Clubhouse tomorrow after our classes are done. We know you were involved with Exorcist before you came back and as the Devil whose area you are in she wants to know your intentions. We will send you someone to your class who will Escort you to the Clubhouse" Akeno Tells her the full message as well as strongly suggesting that the choice of not going to clubhouse is invalid and she has to come meet Rias
    "Is there anything else" Akane asked
    "No that was all" Akeno answered get out of Akane way
    And with single hand-sign which alerted the Akeno and Koneko again, Akane Leaves surrounded by a whirlwind of leaves and wind leaving the two of them behind.
    "She is chakra user and a skilled one as well" Koneko tells her being reminded of her sister who could also do those techniques.
    "Should we have asked her some more questions like who was she fighting with back there we did hear swords clashing right" Akeno asked her
    "She must have been using the Shadow clone Jutsu its functions kind fits perfectly to tree that we encountered earlier as shadow clones tend dispel we they get hit with a solid attack" Koneko explains
    "Also you are coming with me to stay at Rias place. There is a less risk of a potential attack there" Koneko tells Akeno who nods getting with reasoning behind her decision and they leave with summon seal.



    Author Note: The words that are in Bold Italic are some powers up or accessories whose function will be explained in the later chapters. Some of them are pretty self-explanatory others have some functions which will be explained later
    If You are like how this fic is going or have some question regarding the it, please leave its in the thread I will answer it when i see them I am kind of new to this site so I am Apologizing in advance for any mistake i make. this fic is also posted in Fanfiction.net under same title
     
    Kyryst and Fitoor like this.
  3. Fitoor

    Fitoor Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2019
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    45
    Interesting. Seems a little too convenient that Akane studied abroad just so that we could keep the canon on rails.
    I'm looking forward to see the chakra angle like whether Senjutsu follow the DxD or Naruto rules and who all can use chakra.

    Also, it's my personal opinion, but I don't like reading past life, dying and getting born scenes. They are way too common and generally not relevant.
    Same for your character intros. There's no need to describe what Rias or Sona look like, or their reputations. Maybe talk about those familiars instead.
     
  4. siddharth1998m

    siddharth1998m Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    27
    The reason for her being away from Kuoh will be explored later down the line. SI-OC stuff i can understand as not many people can write great story using that though one of my favorite stories ever written in Fiction and fanfic had been sort of Self insert
    Fiction: Dante's Inferno, purgatorio and Paradiso (I will be using factors and principal introduced in this Book in my fic),
    Fan-fiction; Walk on the moon by Six perfection (If you haven't read it Read it! Its amazing)
    But i won't be using the past life subplot as there is nothing to it other she knows the initial beginning of the story
     
  5. mapu

    mapu Making the rounds.

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    99
    Impressively bad idea, characterization and grammar. Please use dots. Lear how character power curves work, or at least how to to curb stomp comedy. Also how to establish a scene, and not jump around in time. This Is multi-cross marry sue, not an OC. Also you are using synonyms or repeating same word to describe things, that should be actually described in more than one word. You know like description? Describe the sound, smell, tactile feeling, color, emotions it invokes, closest comparisons? Not just "It was dark in dark place" or "I shouted a roar" or whatever. Also describe the facial expressions, or actions(crying, smashing fist on table and so on) not emotions, if you have to convey them. Also the emotion of the direct speech should be obvious by the context clues.
     
    siddharth1998m likes this.
  6. siddharth1998m

    siddharth1998m Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    27
    Blunt Critique I like it
    Again i am not a English speaker and not a writer with this being my first story so i know there are problem with the Grammer and Dialogue and for that i am looking for a Co-Author who could brush those up for me
    The Marry Sue stuff - I have not even revealed what her current power set is and she is labeled Marry Sue Jesus . The most Power she has shown and used is in the second chapter that being a genjutsu which again Koneko Broke Instantly and freed Akeno. Now if this fact was not well explained in the that chapter it would have been in the later ones. And i don't Think Labeling any character as an Marry sue or Gary stu even before the first major arc or a fight is just not fair in my opinion.
    Still U r blunt Critique is much appreciated as i am not Hiding the fact that suck at writing dialogue and my English but i also want to improve those mistakes as well
     
  7. mapu

    mapu Making the rounds.

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    99
    Put dots at end of your sentences. Will improve your writing greatly.
     
  8. siddharth1998m

    siddharth1998m Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    27
    End of a dialogue or inner monologue
     
  9. siddharth1998m

    siddharth1998m Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    27
    Sure i will do that
     
  10. mapu

    mapu Making the rounds.

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    99
    You still use dots in dialogue, especially in between different people talking. Especially if you do different paragraphs. You don't put a run-on sentence in different paragraphs. Or at least put in some commas, even if it does not make sense as people speaking are different. Also if you use actual question and exclamations marks you don't need to do stuff like "questioned questioningly" you have after direct speech. Are you confused to where put punctuation marks in direct speech? Because you just need to put something at the end of your sentence, irregardless of direct speech, and quotation marks don't really count as a sentence end.
     
  11. siddharth1998m

    siddharth1998m Getting out there.

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    27
    I have been told i use way to many adverbs in my work and my Grammer is also bad mostly because my whole English vocabulary mostly came from watching sitcoms
     
Loading...