Cu-nosuba Chapter 35b1: Learning How to Train
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Davos
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Edit- Thanks to Alex for catching the issue with the bet line
Artoria stares at the starry sky through the window immediately upon materialization. Not only for the familiar beautiful sight, but the nearby scenery telling her something is amiss. Then a gray haired woman in a coat brings a hand to her chest as she asks a question.
"Are you my Servant?" She asks and a pink haired woman looks flatly at her.
"I believe I-"
"Hold on sis! She is my Servant!" An equally tall gray haired young man says, causing the pink haired girl to look at him now.
"…You both saw the message from Oak. At least wait for the others to appear first."
"Message?" Artoria asks as Stelle looks to the side with a smile.
"It will be faster to show you." A slightly older man with a cane says. A moment later a dark haired young man and red haired woman join them, along with a white haired man with wings on the side of his head. They show Artoria a phone with a video paused and hit play. An older gentleman in glasses and a soft smile speaks.
"Esteemed participants in the Penacony Holy Grail War-"
'Penacony?' Artoria thinks as the man continues.
"It is with some sorrow I bring bad news regarding the war. According to some newly received information, there will be issues due to unforeseen factors. Normally a Servant is summoned by a master and the contract is made apparent, but…We have received reports from others that the seals that appear on one's hand are nondescript and have no effect despite the servant's appearance. Servants appear without a formal contract, and the ones suitable to be a master have command seals that are inert until they make an agreement with the Servant. Due to this and the unplanned summons we will be delaying the Grail War broadcast for a few days until all Masters and Servants are accounted for. Apologies for this inconvenience."
Artoria is left standing speechless.
"Is this not how a Grail war usually goes?" The pink haired girl asks.
"Not at all…It's a secretive affair, never broadcasted, and…I wouldn't even know where to begin…Who here has these inert seals?" Artoria asks and everyone present raises a hand except for the serious looking young man.
"I already made a contract with someone…A Lancer Servant."
"…I see…I am guessing the reason you have not attacked each other is due to some stipulation of this odd war?" Artoria asks, stunning the group for a moment.
"Why would we attack each other?" The gray haired man asks.
"That…is part of the Grail War. At least how it is normally done…wait…" Artoria counts the people on board quickly.
"How many people are in this Grail War? There are 7 here."
"8!" A high pitched voice says further in the main car. Artoria looks down and sees a fluffy creature in a uniform with a tall hat.
"…Are you…"
"Pom Pom, the train conductor, as well as a Master in this Holy Grail...and just as surprised as you." The tiny furry creature says while holding up a hand.
Artoria remains quiet a moment.
"Maybe I should speak with Lancer for now." Artoria says and she follows the young man to another part of the train.
Inside the car, Artoria freezes upon seeing the back of a very familiar Lancer in blue at a bar.
"…Cu Chulainn?" She asks and he turns around.
"Oh, hello Artoria. Didn't expect to see you again in this…war." He says before taking a sip.
"Likewise…though this is feeling less like a Holy Grail War and more an odd…reality show? These terms are so…"
"I know. But the drinks are good at least, and I hear this Penacony place is quite nice."
"We are not on vacation Lancer."
"They got food too." Cu says with a smirk.
Artoria's eye twitches as her resolve falters a moment, almost blurting out, 'what kind?'.
"…I'm surprised you already have a Master…How did this agreement go? Is there anything unusual?"
"Basically a summoning chant like usual. I've been here three days already, and we visited a planet called Belobog. Nice people, just way too cold…" Cu says.
"Planet?" Artoria asks.
"We're in space."
"…But we're on a train, and not floating."
"I'll leave this to you Danny boy…I'm still in semi shock over it."
"My name is Dan Heng. As for the floating, there have been technological advances."
"Also, friendly piece of advice…I would not suggest either of the gray haired ones for a Master…they are kinda crazy." Cu says, getting a short look from Dan.
"I doubt they can be as bad as your last Master." Artoria says.
"You have a grudge issue." Cu says.
"I do not. He is deserving of every sliver of-" Artoria stops when she feels liquid on her knuckles. Looking down she sees her clenched fist is bleeding.
"…Apologies if I speak out of order, but your response reminds me of a saying from my homeland."
"…Something to the effect of 'Dig two graves when seeking revenge'?" Artoria asks.
"One step in calm becomes ten in fury."
"…I'll have to consider that…it is not like he will show up here after all." Artoria says before leaving. Dan Heng turns to Lancer.
"What did your last master do to drive her to such a state?"
"Bit of a long story, and it was more than one thing, but I think one of the main things was he and another servant made her play dress up." Cu says, and Dan Heng winces.
"What? You got some bad memories with clothes too?"
"No…But March wanted to try on outfits with the first female Servant that appeared."
"…I am certain she won't attack that pink sweetheart…mostly…" Cu says before going back to his drink.
Dan Heng sighs and goes to check on them.
They are already gone.
Dan Heng ignores the crestfallen Stelle and Caelus.
===
"What do you think of this one Saber?" March asks with sparkling eyes as she emerges from the changing room in jeans and black denim jacket.
"You…look quite grand." Artoria says and March pouts with a hand on her hip.
"…you said that about every outfit!"
"You…do look quite grand?" Artoria says, drawing a flat look from March.
"I don't usually do this, and you do seem to be someone who would have a harder time finding a bad outfit than a good one."
"I could say the same about you, but-" March stops when she sees Artoria pale suddenly. After a moment March continues.
"…I know this looks like vain silliness, and a large chunk of it is, but there is a practical part to this too. If you went out in your usual armor all day, you would be easily spotted."
"The Saber class isn't exactly known for stealth…but you do make a good point. Even the Hound has adopted clothing from here."
"Hound?"
"Lancer, Dan Heng's Servant. It is one of his many names."
"Really? Sounds odd, but I'm sure it makes sense with his history…What are some of your other names?" March asks while sifting through a rack of clothes.
"Not sure there is much purpose in mentioning it here…it seems our histories are of no import here but…One of my names was the 'King of knights'." Artoria says, making March look at her askance.
"But you're-"
"People tend to follow a king more easily than a queen where I am from."
"I see…that explains your mannerisms…and I think I got the perfect outfit for you!" March says before pushing Artoria into a changing room.
"I-I am not sure about-"
"March has a wonderful eye for attire. It will be a few days before the Grail War officially begins, so why not try something out?" The red head named Himeko says.
"…Fine…It's not as revealing as prior outfits at least." Artoria mutters.
"What was that last part?" March asks.
"N-nothing!" Artoria says.
A few minutes later she comes out, scratching her cheek while glancing away in her new outfit. It is similar to her unarmored outfit, but the shorter skirt makes her walk with shorter steps.
'Not nearly as bad prior outfits…but is this really what people wear?' Artoria thinks before hearing clapping.
"You look so cute!" March says.
"Please don't call me that…Though I am surprised such an outfit is already on the Express."
"Oh we used a photo and the omni-synthesizer for that." Himeko says.
"The what?" Artoria asks and March shows her the device, a small floating sphere.
"It makes lots of things if you have the right materials. It even makes food!"
"It does what?" Artoria asks as March pushes a button and a slice of pizza comes out.
"Don't worry about running out of those materials, we have thousands of them from our…adventures…" March trails off when she sees Artoria's smile and sparkling eyes, a hint of drool at her lips.
Artoria coughs and rights herself, her eyes still shining.
'She must really like food…' March thinks.
'…Hopefully this will help her relax…' Himeko thinks.
'…This is the best time line ever…!'
===
After her second slice, and being shown a few more possible outfits from March, Artoria realizes something with a frown upon entering the main car.
'..It's just like with the food on the temple…no, no! March doesn't have a dark side…' Artoria thinks as a bright light fills the main room.
A moment later a tanned man in a red coat is standing there.
Artoria looks at him, and he looks at her.
Stelle raises a hand to her chest, with a serious look.
"Are you my Servant?" She says, drawing flat looks from Artoria and March.
'…She's consistent if nothing else.' Artoria thinks before Archer speaks.
"No." He says, making Stelle gasp and look on with an open mouth, before grinning.
"That sounds like something my Servant would say!"
'This woman might be a fool…wonder if this is what Lancer was talking about? That said…If Archer has met multiple versions of me, does he have any reason to believe it is the me from that debacle of a war back in Fuyuki? Could I…truly start anew in this strange place?' Artoria thinks before making her choice.
'I shall feign amnesia, and hopefully have a better bond with Emiya in space!' Artoria thinks behind a neutral face as another light fills the room.
This time a brown haired young man in green appears, making Artoria pale, Archer look on in shock, and Cu chuckle as he enters the room.
Kazuma looks at the stunned Artoria with an equally open mouth.
Stelle raises her hand to her chest once more.
"Are you my-"
"What the Hell are you doing here?!" They shout at the same time while pointing at the other.
"I wasn't finished!" Stella says.
"Wait, you know each other?" March asks.
"Wait, are you the Saber from that Fuyuki?!" Archer asks.
"So much for that fresh start…" Saber mutters before pulling out her sword.
"W-wait a minute! I really don't know why I am here!" Kazuma says.
"Liar! You just expect me to believe you were summoned into-oh no…Are you…how can you possibly be a Servant?! You must be either an Assassin or a deplorable Caster!"
"I'm not! I'm human! I was just done introducing Rin to everyone and started talking about what to do with the Kazuma bot Eris put when I-" Kazuma goes quiet when he looks out the window.
"…Are we in space?"
===
"What do you mean he's in space?!" Rin shouts at the rip in abject shock back at the manor in Belzerg..
"There were…complications…" Eris says.
"Is this Alaya's doing?" Aqua asks.
"Not this time! I'm surprised too!" Alaya says.
"Then who?!"
===
Distant laughter shakes the Astral Express before fading.
"...What was that?" Archer asks.
"That was Aha." Caelus says.
"Oh no…" Archer says with a hand at his head.
"You know them?" Artoria asks.
"Of them…They're a trickster God in a far away area…Alaya told me to never interact with the Gods in that place, and it is better to not even set foot here let alone seek their company…" Archer says.
"Herta would probably hate this Alaya." Stella says.
Kazuma meanwhile is looking at his hand, on it is three command seals.
Stella is looking at her phone.
"Destruction…Also Hunt…and…Elation?"
"He is on the Elation path?" Welt asks while readying his cane and looking at Saber. Saber matches the look.
"I have no idea what you are talking about…" Kazuma says.
"…I…think Aha summoned you here." Himeko says.
"Why?"
"…Likely ss a joke."
"…What?"
"Does that make him Aha's Servant?" Caelus asks, making Dan Heng cup his head.
===
"You're telling me this jerk of a God summoned someone from another world…as a joke?" Rin asks.
"Most likely…" Eris says.
"How could he even do that?"
"He cut through a lot of red tape, which isn't really surprising. He did kind of lose it after climbing that tree, seeing that baby fall and becoming a God." Alaya says.
"Wait, he was once mortal?" Rin asks.
"Yeah, was dead set on understanding the Imaginary Tree…think that's what mages in Earth called the Root, then he just became obsessed with humor."
"…First of two questions…Does that mean the ambition of mages to understand the Root will simply cause insanity?"
"Probably. We're divine, and we barely get it." Aqua says.
"Second question, can Aha be punched?" Rin asks with a glowing arm, making Kazuma's party look wide eyed at her, and two beings through the rip sputter a moment.
"I would not recommend that! They are known to destroy planets over there at a moment's notice for the paltriest of reasons!" Eris says.
"Though this one might be amused by the attempt…could be worth a shot!" Alaya says.
"No!" Eris and Aqua say at the same time. Aqua takes a deep breath and continues.
"I'm sure Kazuma will be fine, he's good at entertaining! I'm sure he will enjoy his time on the Polar Express."
"That's a movie Lady Aqua…and we don't have the ability to safely teleport you there." Eris says.
"Why not?!"
"The Orient Express?" Aqua asks.
"That's a murder mystery." Rin asks.
"Because our duties limit some of our abilities, and Aha probably did something deranged to make this happen…The Pony Express?" Aqua asks after the explanation, and now Rin is suddenly bombarded by an image of Kazuma in a cowboy outfit, and her in a cowgirl outfit.
"The Astral Express…" Eris says.
"Those crazy people who wind up on a bunch of bizarre adventures?" Aqua asks.
"Yes."
"…I'm surprised you're saying that about them considering what Kazuma told me about you three." Rin says.
"What was that for?"
"Sorry…still a bit annoyed. I'll…take a walk to clear my head…" Rin says before leaving.
===
Saber raises her blade again,
Welt, Archer, Himeko, Cu, Dan Heng, Stella, and Caelus all draw their weapons in response.
"C-can we all just calm down?!" March asks.
"It took a lot of effort to get the Express back on track. I will not have her demolish it for a petty grudge." Himeko says.
Artoria looks puzzled at the Gray haired twin's weapons.
One is holding a quill, the other is gripping a hat.
Artoria sheathes her blade.
"…What are those?" She asks.
"The pen is mightier than the sword!"
"Music is the ultimate weapon!"
'They are deranged…But I am acting rashly…' Artoria thinks before looking at Kazuma.
"I assume you have command seals?" Artoria asks.
"Yeah…Cu are you my-"
"Not this time. I'm Danny boy's Servant." He says, gesturing to the young man with a spear.
"Then who is my Servant?"
They give him a quick explanation.
"So…I've been magically kidnapped by a deity in a universe far, far away, to partake in a Grail War…that will be televised?"
"Hope you're not camera shy." Stella says with a thumbs up.
"Is there a…private room, preferably sound proof that I can use for a minute?" Kazuma asks, and Welt extorts him to another section of the train.
Cu and Emiya meanwhile look at the other.
"…5 credits he calls for her."
"I'm not taking that bet."
In the hallway, Welt notices the listlessness in Kazuma's eyes.
"I know this is a lot to take in Kazuma, but until your situation is settled you are welcome to stay on the Express as long as you wish."
"I appreciate that…but I am hoping I will be out sooner than later."
"The winds of change are not always pleasant, but humanity has always found a way to withstand them." Welt says as Kazuma enters the room.
'I do hope he-'
"ERIS!" Kazuma shouts with his entire being, making Welt jump in the hall.
A moment passes.
"Are…you ok Kazuma?"
"Yeah…sorry about that but that usually works…"
'Oh God, I am stranded in space, with at least one Servant who wants me dead, and another who wouldn't be bothered by it…least Cu might help…' Kazuma thinks before remerging into the hall and finding Welt there with a worried March next to him and a smiling Artoria.
Kazuma closes the door.
"W-wait, don't lock the door! I talked with Artoria, she promised not to hurt you!" March says.
"That just means she'll make my death quick."
"No she won't!" March says and Artoria glances away.
"…Artoria…" March says.
"I mean…it is a Grail war…preventing his death is not exactly a priority." Artoria says.
"There won't be any death in a Grail war!" March says, making Artoria look at her in silence.
A moment later Kazuma opens the door.
"…Is this…a family friendly Grail War?" Kazuma asks.
"Maybe? I think part of the reason for it is to draw in tourism to Penacony so-"
"Oh God…" Artoria says with lightless eyes as she leans against the wall, staring into space.
"…Was it something I said?"
"It's usually a fight to the death to have any wish granted, and Servants are figures from myth and history, most of them I suspect wanting to remedy some kind of regret from their tragic lives…and you just said it's little more than a performance to draw in big spenders…" Kazuma says quickly.
"…I'm sure it still grants wishes?" March says while playing with some hair as Welt's phone rings. He checks it.
"A new Servant has appeared. They are a Caster." Welt says, and Artoria groans before shaking her head.
"I-it cannot possibly be her again…D-do they have blue hair?"
"Yes actually." Welt says, and Artoria picks up her blade and begins running for the main car.
"Medea no!" Kazuma says and gives chase, but Artoria is already far ahead. Kazuma catches up and finds Artoria staring in open mouthed shock as various are pointed at her again.
She is looking at the blue haired Caster.
"Hmph. Barely a minute and someone wants me dead. You're worse than debt collectors and publishers." The blue haired Caster says with a deep voice in an impossibly small body while adjusting the collar on his formal shirt.
"You're not…the Witch of Colchis…"
"How very brilliant of you; we would all be lost without your powers of observation." He says with a grin, making Artoria glower while sheathing her blade again.
"Pardon me for thinking of the worst possible option when I hear a blue haired Caster has appeared…who are you?"
"Shouldn't royalty introduce themselves first, or are manners so far gone from you?" The Caster asks as March and Welt enters the room.
"…Artoria Pendragon." She says, and Welt gasps.
"Hans Christian Anderson." The Caster says, making Welt gasp again.
'King Arthur is a woman and the writer of the Little Mermaid is a child? Is this the Grail's influence…or another reality…?'
After that they disperse to their own rooms.
===
Himeko is in her room looking over a coffee recipe.
'Too much of the one bean makes it too sweet…but too little and it becomes flat…' She gasps with a spark of inspiration and pulls out a new bean to mix in, so focused on her task that she doesn't register the bright flash behind her.
===
"What do you think of this one?" March asks while holding a dress over herself.
Artoria looks at the dress.
"It seems nice, though isn't it a bit dark?"
"I know, but I thought I should try and expand my wardrobe past the usual girly stuff for a change of pace." March says as her phone rings and a knock is heard at the door.
Artoria goes to answer and grimaces at seeing Kazuma.
"What do you want?" She asks and Kazuma frowns back.
"I was told there was an empty room this way and trying to find it…by the way, nice dress Elizabeth~." Kazuma says with a grin that falters when Artoria cracks a knuckle.
"You incorrigible-"
"Big news, another Servant appeared, and in Himeko's room!"
"Surprising…what kind of Servant is it?"
A Caster!" March says, making Artoria pale.
"…Where is Lady Himeko's room?"
"You can't attack the Caster Saber!" March says.
"That is for me to decide."
"No it-"
"I wouldn't mind being attacked by her. I am curious how I would fare as a true Servant!" A voice says down the hall, causing all three to look over at the brown haired woman in blue leggings approach, with an odd staff in hand.
"…You're not the witch of betrayal…' Artoria says.
"Indeed, I am Leonardo Da Vinci!"
"But you're a woman…" Artoria says.
"Are you really going to ask that? You of all people?" Kazuma asks.
"Record keeping was better in her time."
"That…is a fair point…"
"Not as much as you would think." Da Vinci says with a lilt.
"Why does that make you happy?" March asks.
"It doesn't, but being summoned into space has me overly ecstatic and giddy! I get to explore the stars! Who wouldn't enjoy being summoned into this odd grail war?!" Da Vinci says in a near shout, making Kazuma's eye twitch, in turn making Artoria grin.
"Wait…I thought there could only be one of each class? We already have a Caster on board." Kazuma says.
"I think this Grail may be corrupted or broken…"
"Possibly…especially since the catalyst for my summon was my Master tinkering with an equation." Da Vinci says.
"What kind of equation?" March asks.
"A coffee recipe." Himeko says a little shyly next to Da Vinci, the seals on her hand changed now.
"…You got a servant from brewing coffee?" Artoria asks with an open mouth.
"It wasn't the coffee, it was the resolve and skill to overcome a problem to create something!" Da Vinci says as Himeko brings out a pot of coffee, making March pale.
"Want to try a cup?" Himeko asks and March begins walking swiftly away.
"…What time is it?" Kazuma asks.
"It is roughly a bit before noon right now, so there is little risk of it ruining your sleep later." Himeko says and pours a cup for each of them.
===
March enters the main room.
"Get the emergency kits ready…Himeko made coffee!"
"Oh no…" Cu says with a shudder. A minute later they go to Himeko's location and find Artoria and Kazuma flat on the ground.
"Kazuma's been killed!" Cu says.
Artoria eventually forces herself up, and Kazuma mutters 'cure poison' before standing himself.
"…I think you need to lower some variables." Da Vinci says.
"Never. It's perfect!" Himeko says with a glint in her eye, making Da Vinci smile.
'I have found a like minded Master…~'
===
"Emergency! Da Vinci has gone missing and there is no one to merge all my Saint Quartz fragments!" Ritsuka says on the speakerphone in Chaldea.
===
Artoria and Kazuma are sipping from water, already feeling somewhat normal again when Stella's phone rings.
"Oh another Servant…Another Caster too."
"Shocking…" Kazuma says.
"Who is it this time?, the Brother's Grimm? Michelangelo? Wait…it's not Merlin is it?" Artoria asks.
"No, it's someone named…Media?" Stella says and Artoria drops her drink.
"Says they have blue hair, pointy ears, and somehow broke a rule of the Grail war." Stella says before looking up and seeing Artoria at the door.
Kazuma chases after her.
A minute later they find Caelus with Medea, and both stand and stare in shock at the latest Caster, stunned at her shorter stature, bright smile, and lighter colored robes.
"Hello, my name is Medea; it is nice to meet you. I hope we can get along!" The young girl says with a polite curtsey and smile.
"…What the Hell?" They both mutter at the same time.
===In another timeline===
Avicebron approaches Aqua in the living room.
"Pardon me, but can you call up Lady Eris when she is free?"
"No need to wait, I can do that now." Aqua says opens a rip.
"Hey Eris!"
"Lady Aqua, I'm with a departed soul now! And Kazuma isn't dead!"
"I know but, Avicebron wants to talk with you."
"Huh? Why?" Eris asks.
"I want my lupus partially returned." Avicebron says, causing books, brooms, dishes, and tea cups to drop.
"Why?" Everyone asks.
"While dozing gently under a tree, the most horrible revelation occurred." Avicebron says with a hand at his mask.
"…What is this revelation?" Aqua asks.
"If God prefers blondes…does he care about their sex? If I remain unaffiliated by lupus, will I one day become his target?"
"Oh goody, as if that revelation wasn't horrible enough…" Jeanne mutters before leaving the manor.
"We can't give you lupus!" Aqua and Eris say at the same time.
"Why not?! Do you want me to be assaulted?! Do you want to witness it?!"
"I am not voyeur!" Eris shouts, making Rin stare flatly at the rip.
"I'm not complaining. Want a schedule?" Kazuma asks, making Eris warble and Rin pull on his ear.
"Can you not damn me with lupus? What kind of Gods are you?!"
"I'm a Goddess of healing!"
"Then unheal me! Preferably with only the appearance, and not the pain of that affliction."
"I am not asking around Heaven to give you the cosmetics of a disease!" Eris shouts.
"I will make ritualistic sacrifices in both your names! Do you prefer toads, goats, cows…or humans?"
"I don't want sacrifices!"
"You can just convert to the Axis faith!"
"Will that save me from the perversions of God?"
"Don't do it! The Axis cult always lies!" Kazuma and Megumin shout at the same time.
"My followers never lie!"
Eris is too late in stopping a giggle, drawing Aqua's ire.
"Wow…even another Goddess is calling you out on your crap…" Rin says, making Aqua tear up and run away.
"Wait! What about destroying my devilish good looks!?" Avicebron says while giving chase.
Artoria stares at the starry sky through the window immediately upon materialization. Not only for the familiar beautiful sight, but the nearby scenery telling her something is amiss. Then a gray haired woman in a coat brings a hand to her chest as she asks a question.
"Are you my Servant?" She asks and a pink haired woman looks flatly at her.
"I believe I-"
"Hold on sis! She is my Servant!" An equally tall gray haired young man says, causing the pink haired girl to look at him now.
"…You both saw the message from Oak. At least wait for the others to appear first."
"Message?" Artoria asks as Stelle looks to the side with a smile.
"It will be faster to show you." A slightly older man with a cane says. A moment later a dark haired young man and red haired woman join them, along with a white haired man with wings on the side of his head. They show Artoria a phone with a video paused and hit play. An older gentleman in glasses and a soft smile speaks.
"Esteemed participants in the Penacony Holy Grail War-"
'Penacony?' Artoria thinks as the man continues.
"It is with some sorrow I bring bad news regarding the war. According to some newly received information, there will be issues due to unforeseen factors. Normally a Servant is summoned by a master and the contract is made apparent, but…We have received reports from others that the seals that appear on one's hand are nondescript and have no effect despite the servant's appearance. Servants appear without a formal contract, and the ones suitable to be a master have command seals that are inert until they make an agreement with the Servant. Due to this and the unplanned summons we will be delaying the Grail War broadcast for a few days until all Masters and Servants are accounted for. Apologies for this inconvenience."
Artoria is left standing speechless.
"Is this not how a Grail war usually goes?" The pink haired girl asks.
"Not at all…It's a secretive affair, never broadcasted, and…I wouldn't even know where to begin…Who here has these inert seals?" Artoria asks and everyone present raises a hand except for the serious looking young man.
"I already made a contract with someone…A Lancer Servant."
"…I see…I am guessing the reason you have not attacked each other is due to some stipulation of this odd war?" Artoria asks, stunning the group for a moment.
"Why would we attack each other?" The gray haired man asks.
"That…is part of the Grail War. At least how it is normally done…wait…" Artoria counts the people on board quickly.
"How many people are in this Grail War? There are 7 here."
"8!" A high pitched voice says further in the main car. Artoria looks down and sees a fluffy creature in a uniform with a tall hat.
"…Are you…"
"Pom Pom, the train conductor, as well as a Master in this Holy Grail...and just as surprised as you." The tiny furry creature says while holding up a hand.
Artoria remains quiet a moment.
"Maybe I should speak with Lancer for now." Artoria says and she follows the young man to another part of the train.
Inside the car, Artoria freezes upon seeing the back of a very familiar Lancer in blue at a bar.
"…Cu Chulainn?" She asks and he turns around.
"Oh, hello Artoria. Didn't expect to see you again in this…war." He says before taking a sip.
"Likewise…though this is feeling less like a Holy Grail War and more an odd…reality show? These terms are so…"
"I know. But the drinks are good at least, and I hear this Penacony place is quite nice."
"We are not on vacation Lancer."
"They got food too." Cu says with a smirk.
Artoria's eye twitches as her resolve falters a moment, almost blurting out, 'what kind?'.
"…I'm surprised you already have a Master…How did this agreement go? Is there anything unusual?"
"Basically a summoning chant like usual. I've been here three days already, and we visited a planet called Belobog. Nice people, just way too cold…" Cu says.
"Planet?" Artoria asks.
"We're in space."
"…But we're on a train, and not floating."
"I'll leave this to you Danny boy…I'm still in semi shock over it."
"My name is Dan Heng. As for the floating, there have been technological advances."
"Also, friendly piece of advice…I would not suggest either of the gray haired ones for a Master…they are kinda crazy." Cu says, getting a short look from Dan.
"I doubt they can be as bad as your last Master." Artoria says.
"You have a grudge issue." Cu says.
"I do not. He is deserving of every sliver of-" Artoria stops when she feels liquid on her knuckles. Looking down she sees her clenched fist is bleeding.
"…Apologies if I speak out of order, but your response reminds me of a saying from my homeland."
"…Something to the effect of 'Dig two graves when seeking revenge'?" Artoria asks.
"One step in calm becomes ten in fury."
"…I'll have to consider that…it is not like he will show up here after all." Artoria says before leaving. Dan Heng turns to Lancer.
"What did your last master do to drive her to such a state?"
"Bit of a long story, and it was more than one thing, but I think one of the main things was he and another servant made her play dress up." Cu says, and Dan Heng winces.
"What? You got some bad memories with clothes too?"
"No…But March wanted to try on outfits with the first female Servant that appeared."
"…I am certain she won't attack that pink sweetheart…mostly…" Cu says before going back to his drink.
Dan Heng sighs and goes to check on them.
They are already gone.
Dan Heng ignores the crestfallen Stelle and Caelus.
===
"What do you think of this one Saber?" March asks with sparkling eyes as she emerges from the changing room in jeans and black denim jacket.
"You…look quite grand." Artoria says and March pouts with a hand on her hip.
"…you said that about every outfit!"
"You…do look quite grand?" Artoria says, drawing a flat look from March.
"I don't usually do this, and you do seem to be someone who would have a harder time finding a bad outfit than a good one."
"I could say the same about you, but-" March stops when she sees Artoria pale suddenly. After a moment March continues.
"…I know this looks like vain silliness, and a large chunk of it is, but there is a practical part to this too. If you went out in your usual armor all day, you would be easily spotted."
"The Saber class isn't exactly known for stealth…but you do make a good point. Even the Hound has adopted clothing from here."
"Hound?"
"Lancer, Dan Heng's Servant. It is one of his many names."
"Really? Sounds odd, but I'm sure it makes sense with his history…What are some of your other names?" March asks while sifting through a rack of clothes.
"Not sure there is much purpose in mentioning it here…it seems our histories are of no import here but…One of my names was the 'King of knights'." Artoria says, making March look at her askance.
"But you're-"
"People tend to follow a king more easily than a queen where I am from."
"I see…that explains your mannerisms…and I think I got the perfect outfit for you!" March says before pushing Artoria into a changing room.
"I-I am not sure about-"
"March has a wonderful eye for attire. It will be a few days before the Grail War officially begins, so why not try something out?" The red head named Himeko says.
"…Fine…It's not as revealing as prior outfits at least." Artoria mutters.
"What was that last part?" March asks.
"N-nothing!" Artoria says.
A few minutes later she comes out, scratching her cheek while glancing away in her new outfit. It is similar to her unarmored outfit, but the shorter skirt makes her walk with shorter steps.
'Not nearly as bad prior outfits…but is this really what people wear?' Artoria thinks before hearing clapping.
"You look so cute!" March says.
"Please don't call me that…Though I am surprised such an outfit is already on the Express."
"Oh we used a photo and the omni-synthesizer for that." Himeko says.
"The what?" Artoria asks and March shows her the device, a small floating sphere.
"It makes lots of things if you have the right materials. It even makes food!"
"It does what?" Artoria asks as March pushes a button and a slice of pizza comes out.
"Don't worry about running out of those materials, we have thousands of them from our…adventures…" March trails off when she sees Artoria's smile and sparkling eyes, a hint of drool at her lips.
Artoria coughs and rights herself, her eyes still shining.
'She must really like food…' March thinks.
'…Hopefully this will help her relax…' Himeko thinks.
'…This is the best time line ever…!'
===
After her second slice, and being shown a few more possible outfits from March, Artoria realizes something with a frown upon entering the main car.
'..It's just like with the food on the temple…no, no! March doesn't have a dark side…' Artoria thinks as a bright light fills the main room.
A moment later a tanned man in a red coat is standing there.
Artoria looks at him, and he looks at her.
Stelle raises a hand to her chest, with a serious look.
"Are you my Servant?" She says, drawing flat looks from Artoria and March.
'…She's consistent if nothing else.' Artoria thinks before Archer speaks.
"No." He says, making Stelle gasp and look on with an open mouth, before grinning.
"That sounds like something my Servant would say!"
'This woman might be a fool…wonder if this is what Lancer was talking about? That said…If Archer has met multiple versions of me, does he have any reason to believe it is the me from that debacle of a war back in Fuyuki? Could I…truly start anew in this strange place?' Artoria thinks before making her choice.
'I shall feign amnesia, and hopefully have a better bond with Emiya in space!' Artoria thinks behind a neutral face as another light fills the room.
This time a brown haired young man in green appears, making Artoria pale, Archer look on in shock, and Cu chuckle as he enters the room.
Kazuma looks at the stunned Artoria with an equally open mouth.
Stelle raises her hand to her chest once more.
"Are you my-"
"What the Hell are you doing here?!" They shout at the same time while pointing at the other.
"I wasn't finished!" Stella says.
"Wait, you know each other?" March asks.
"Wait, are you the Saber from that Fuyuki?!" Archer asks.
"So much for that fresh start…" Saber mutters before pulling out her sword.
"W-wait a minute! I really don't know why I am here!" Kazuma says.
"Liar! You just expect me to believe you were summoned into-oh no…Are you…how can you possibly be a Servant?! You must be either an Assassin or a deplorable Caster!"
"I'm not! I'm human! I was just done introducing Rin to everyone and started talking about what to do with the Kazuma bot Eris put when I-" Kazuma goes quiet when he looks out the window.
"…Are we in space?"
===
"What do you mean he's in space?!" Rin shouts at the rip in abject shock back at the manor in Belzerg..
"There were…complications…" Eris says.
"Is this Alaya's doing?" Aqua asks.
"Not this time! I'm surprised too!" Alaya says.
"Then who?!"
===
Distant laughter shakes the Astral Express before fading.
"...What was that?" Archer asks.
"That was Aha." Caelus says.
"Oh no…" Archer says with a hand at his head.
"You know them?" Artoria asks.
"Of them…They're a trickster God in a far away area…Alaya told me to never interact with the Gods in that place, and it is better to not even set foot here let alone seek their company…" Archer says.
"Herta would probably hate this Alaya." Stella says.
Kazuma meanwhile is looking at his hand, on it is three command seals.
Stella is looking at her phone.
"Destruction…Also Hunt…and…Elation?"
"He is on the Elation path?" Welt asks while readying his cane and looking at Saber. Saber matches the look.
"I have no idea what you are talking about…" Kazuma says.
"…I…think Aha summoned you here." Himeko says.
"Why?"
"…Likely ss a joke."
"…What?"
"Does that make him Aha's Servant?" Caelus asks, making Dan Heng cup his head.
===
"You're telling me this jerk of a God summoned someone from another world…as a joke?" Rin asks.
"Most likely…" Eris says.
"How could he even do that?"
"He cut through a lot of red tape, which isn't really surprising. He did kind of lose it after climbing that tree, seeing that baby fall and becoming a God." Alaya says.
"Wait, he was once mortal?" Rin asks.
"Yeah, was dead set on understanding the Imaginary Tree…think that's what mages in Earth called the Root, then he just became obsessed with humor."
"…First of two questions…Does that mean the ambition of mages to understand the Root will simply cause insanity?"
"Probably. We're divine, and we barely get it." Aqua says.
"Second question, can Aha be punched?" Rin asks with a glowing arm, making Kazuma's party look wide eyed at her, and two beings through the rip sputter a moment.
"I would not recommend that! They are known to destroy planets over there at a moment's notice for the paltriest of reasons!" Eris says.
"Though this one might be amused by the attempt…could be worth a shot!" Alaya says.
"No!" Eris and Aqua say at the same time. Aqua takes a deep breath and continues.
"I'm sure Kazuma will be fine, he's good at entertaining! I'm sure he will enjoy his time on the Polar Express."
"That's a movie Lady Aqua…and we don't have the ability to safely teleport you there." Eris says.
"Why not?!"
"The Orient Express?" Aqua asks.
"That's a murder mystery." Rin asks.
"Because our duties limit some of our abilities, and Aha probably did something deranged to make this happen…The Pony Express?" Aqua asks after the explanation, and now Rin is suddenly bombarded by an image of Kazuma in a cowboy outfit, and her in a cowgirl outfit.
"The Astral Express…" Eris says.
"Those crazy people who wind up on a bunch of bizarre adventures?" Aqua asks.
"Yes."
"…I'm surprised you're saying that about them considering what Kazuma told me about you three." Rin says.
"What was that for?"
"Sorry…still a bit annoyed. I'll…take a walk to clear my head…" Rin says before leaving.
===
Saber raises her blade again,
Welt, Archer, Himeko, Cu, Dan Heng, Stella, and Caelus all draw their weapons in response.
"C-can we all just calm down?!" March asks.
"It took a lot of effort to get the Express back on track. I will not have her demolish it for a petty grudge." Himeko says.
Artoria looks puzzled at the Gray haired twin's weapons.
One is holding a quill, the other is gripping a hat.
Artoria sheathes her blade.
"…What are those?" She asks.
"The pen is mightier than the sword!"
"Music is the ultimate weapon!"
'They are deranged…But I am acting rashly…' Artoria thinks before looking at Kazuma.
"I assume you have command seals?" Artoria asks.
"Yeah…Cu are you my-"
"Not this time. I'm Danny boy's Servant." He says, gesturing to the young man with a spear.
"Then who is my Servant?"
They give him a quick explanation.
"So…I've been magically kidnapped by a deity in a universe far, far away, to partake in a Grail War…that will be televised?"
"Hope you're not camera shy." Stella says with a thumbs up.
"Is there a…private room, preferably sound proof that I can use for a minute?" Kazuma asks, and Welt extorts him to another section of the train.
Cu and Emiya meanwhile look at the other.
"…5 credits he calls for her."
"I'm not taking that bet."
In the hallway, Welt notices the listlessness in Kazuma's eyes.
"I know this is a lot to take in Kazuma, but until your situation is settled you are welcome to stay on the Express as long as you wish."
"I appreciate that…but I am hoping I will be out sooner than later."
"The winds of change are not always pleasant, but humanity has always found a way to withstand them." Welt says as Kazuma enters the room.
'I do hope he-'
"ERIS!" Kazuma shouts with his entire being, making Welt jump in the hall.
A moment passes.
"Are…you ok Kazuma?"
"Yeah…sorry about that but that usually works…"
'Oh God, I am stranded in space, with at least one Servant who wants me dead, and another who wouldn't be bothered by it…least Cu might help…' Kazuma thinks before remerging into the hall and finding Welt there with a worried March next to him and a smiling Artoria.
Kazuma closes the door.
"W-wait, don't lock the door! I talked with Artoria, she promised not to hurt you!" March says.
"That just means she'll make my death quick."
"No she won't!" March says and Artoria glances away.
"…Artoria…" March says.
"I mean…it is a Grail war…preventing his death is not exactly a priority." Artoria says.
"There won't be any death in a Grail war!" March says, making Artoria look at her in silence.
A moment later Kazuma opens the door.
"…Is this…a family friendly Grail War?" Kazuma asks.
"Maybe? I think part of the reason for it is to draw in tourism to Penacony so-"
"Oh God…" Artoria says with lightless eyes as she leans against the wall, staring into space.
"…Was it something I said?"
"It's usually a fight to the death to have any wish granted, and Servants are figures from myth and history, most of them I suspect wanting to remedy some kind of regret from their tragic lives…and you just said it's little more than a performance to draw in big spenders…" Kazuma says quickly.
"…I'm sure it still grants wishes?" March says while playing with some hair as Welt's phone rings. He checks it.
"A new Servant has appeared. They are a Caster." Welt says, and Artoria groans before shaking her head.
"I-it cannot possibly be her again…D-do they have blue hair?"
"Yes actually." Welt says, and Artoria picks up her blade and begins running for the main car.
"Medea no!" Kazuma says and gives chase, but Artoria is already far ahead. Kazuma catches up and finds Artoria staring in open mouthed shock as various are pointed at her again.
She is looking at the blue haired Caster.
"Hmph. Barely a minute and someone wants me dead. You're worse than debt collectors and publishers." The blue haired Caster says with a deep voice in an impossibly small body while adjusting the collar on his formal shirt.
"You're not…the Witch of Colchis…"
"How very brilliant of you; we would all be lost without your powers of observation." He says with a grin, making Artoria glower while sheathing her blade again.
"Pardon me for thinking of the worst possible option when I hear a blue haired Caster has appeared…who are you?"
"Shouldn't royalty introduce themselves first, or are manners so far gone from you?" The Caster asks as March and Welt enters the room.
"…Artoria Pendragon." She says, and Welt gasps.
"Hans Christian Anderson." The Caster says, making Welt gasp again.
'King Arthur is a woman and the writer of the Little Mermaid is a child? Is this the Grail's influence…or another reality…?'
After that they disperse to their own rooms.
===
Himeko is in her room looking over a coffee recipe.
'Too much of the one bean makes it too sweet…but too little and it becomes flat…' She gasps with a spark of inspiration and pulls out a new bean to mix in, so focused on her task that she doesn't register the bright flash behind her.
===
"What do you think of this one?" March asks while holding a dress over herself.
Artoria looks at the dress.
"It seems nice, though isn't it a bit dark?"
"I know, but I thought I should try and expand my wardrobe past the usual girly stuff for a change of pace." March says as her phone rings and a knock is heard at the door.
Artoria goes to answer and grimaces at seeing Kazuma.
"What do you want?" She asks and Kazuma frowns back.
"I was told there was an empty room this way and trying to find it…by the way, nice dress Elizabeth~." Kazuma says with a grin that falters when Artoria cracks a knuckle.
"You incorrigible-"
"Big news, another Servant appeared, and in Himeko's room!"
"Surprising…what kind of Servant is it?"
A Caster!" March says, making Artoria pale.
"…Where is Lady Himeko's room?"
"You can't attack the Caster Saber!" March says.
"That is for me to decide."
"No it-"
"I wouldn't mind being attacked by her. I am curious how I would fare as a true Servant!" A voice says down the hall, causing all three to look over at the brown haired woman in blue leggings approach, with an odd staff in hand.
"…You're not the witch of betrayal…' Artoria says.
"Indeed, I am Leonardo Da Vinci!"
"But you're a woman…" Artoria says.
"Are you really going to ask that? You of all people?" Kazuma asks.
"Record keeping was better in her time."
"That…is a fair point…"
"Not as much as you would think." Da Vinci says with a lilt.
"Why does that make you happy?" March asks.
"It doesn't, but being summoned into space has me overly ecstatic and giddy! I get to explore the stars! Who wouldn't enjoy being summoned into this odd grail war?!" Da Vinci says in a near shout, making Kazuma's eye twitch, in turn making Artoria grin.
"Wait…I thought there could only be one of each class? We already have a Caster on board." Kazuma says.
"I think this Grail may be corrupted or broken…"
"Possibly…especially since the catalyst for my summon was my Master tinkering with an equation." Da Vinci says.
"What kind of equation?" March asks.
"A coffee recipe." Himeko says a little shyly next to Da Vinci, the seals on her hand changed now.
"…You got a servant from brewing coffee?" Artoria asks with an open mouth.
"It wasn't the coffee, it was the resolve and skill to overcome a problem to create something!" Da Vinci says as Himeko brings out a pot of coffee, making March pale.
"Want to try a cup?" Himeko asks and March begins walking swiftly away.
"…What time is it?" Kazuma asks.
"It is roughly a bit before noon right now, so there is little risk of it ruining your sleep later." Himeko says and pours a cup for each of them.
===
March enters the main room.
"Get the emergency kits ready…Himeko made coffee!"
"Oh no…" Cu says with a shudder. A minute later they go to Himeko's location and find Artoria and Kazuma flat on the ground.
"Kazuma's been killed!" Cu says.
Artoria eventually forces herself up, and Kazuma mutters 'cure poison' before standing himself.
"…I think you need to lower some variables." Da Vinci says.
"Never. It's perfect!" Himeko says with a glint in her eye, making Da Vinci smile.
'I have found a like minded Master…~'
===
"Emergency! Da Vinci has gone missing and there is no one to merge all my Saint Quartz fragments!" Ritsuka says on the speakerphone in Chaldea.
===
Artoria and Kazuma are sipping from water, already feeling somewhat normal again when Stella's phone rings.
"Oh another Servant…Another Caster too."
"Shocking…" Kazuma says.
"Who is it this time?, the Brother's Grimm? Michelangelo? Wait…it's not Merlin is it?" Artoria asks.
"No, it's someone named…Media?" Stella says and Artoria drops her drink.
"Says they have blue hair, pointy ears, and somehow broke a rule of the Grail war." Stella says before looking up and seeing Artoria at the door.
Kazuma chases after her.
A minute later they find Caelus with Medea, and both stand and stare in shock at the latest Caster, stunned at her shorter stature, bright smile, and lighter colored robes.
"Hello, my name is Medea; it is nice to meet you. I hope we can get along!" The young girl says with a polite curtsey and smile.
"…What the Hell?" They both mutter at the same time.
===In another timeline===
Avicebron approaches Aqua in the living room.
"Pardon me, but can you call up Lady Eris when she is free?"
"No need to wait, I can do that now." Aqua says opens a rip.
"Hey Eris!"
"Lady Aqua, I'm with a departed soul now! And Kazuma isn't dead!"
"I know but, Avicebron wants to talk with you."
"Huh? Why?" Eris asks.
"I want my lupus partially returned." Avicebron says, causing books, brooms, dishes, and tea cups to drop.
"Why?" Everyone asks.
"While dozing gently under a tree, the most horrible revelation occurred." Avicebron says with a hand at his mask.
"…What is this revelation?" Aqua asks.
"If God prefers blondes…does he care about their sex? If I remain unaffiliated by lupus, will I one day become his target?"
"Oh goody, as if that revelation wasn't horrible enough…" Jeanne mutters before leaving the manor.
"We can't give you lupus!" Aqua and Eris say at the same time.
"Why not?! Do you want me to be assaulted?! Do you want to witness it?!"
"I am not voyeur!" Eris shouts, making Rin stare flatly at the rip.
"I'm not complaining. Want a schedule?" Kazuma asks, making Eris warble and Rin pull on his ear.
"Can you not damn me with lupus? What kind of Gods are you?!"
"I'm a Goddess of healing!"
"Then unheal me! Preferably with only the appearance, and not the pain of that affliction."
"I am not asking around Heaven to give you the cosmetics of a disease!" Eris shouts.
"I will make ritualistic sacrifices in both your names! Do you prefer toads, goats, cows…or humans?"
"I don't want sacrifices!"
"You can just convert to the Axis faith!"
"Will that save me from the perversions of God?"
"Don't do it! The Axis cult always lies!" Kazuma and Megumin shout at the same time.
"My followers never lie!"
Eris is too late in stopping a giggle, drawing Aqua's ire.
"Wow…even another Goddess is calling you out on your crap…" Rin says, making Aqua tear up and run away.
"Wait! What about destroying my devilish good looks!?" Avicebron says while giving chase.
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