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Alea Iacta Est - a Worm AU Fanfic

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Ack, Jul 11, 2015.

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  1. slicedtoad

    slicedtoad -

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    huh. nicely written. While I agree with Firedon that it's kind of cheating to use PtV out of nowhere like that, any use of PtV is cheating. And this is the kind of thing that Cauldron would be doing, imo.
     
    AKrYlIcA, Christopher Tate and Ack like this.
  2. Firedon

    Firedon Experienced.

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    It just feels cheap. Might be that I'm tired, but the story was ramping up, they were making plans and KAISER! Okay, now we have some more tension, how will they deal with this? Will it be a long struggle where they have to carefully gather information and allies? Or will they manage a quick beheading of the E88 with a plan somehow? Nope, PtV.
     
  3. Starfox5

    Starfox5 Experienced.

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    Who says things have been dealt with? Kasier might be dead, might not be dead. Either way, things will be shaken up, with E88 in turmoil depending on the outcome.
     
  4. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Janet is a new character.

    The original plan was for Purity to show up and kill Kaiser herself on top of the roof. But the problem with that was that the Empire guys already on site, on seeing the body, would fairly quickly determine that it was her work. So she'd have to either claim leadership of E88 by combat or go on a murder spree to clean up the inconvenient witnesses. And I can't really see Taylor & co being happy with that much murderising. Also, she's split from the Empire so she would have to deal with Kreig.
     
  5. nobodez

    nobodez Bringer of Context

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    You've got three different thinkers working adjacent to each other (two in concert, one assisting without the knowledge of the previous two), so I'd expect a bit of serendipity.
     
  6. godzillahomer

    godzillahomer Know what you're doing yet?

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    Kaiser, don't you know not to hold a long rod of metal up in a storm?! For someone so smart, he lacks common sense.
     
  7. Muroshi9

    Muroshi9 I'm so ronery So ronery So ronery and sadly arone

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    So E88 just lost Medhall to Theo and the team gains a water/weather controller since she just happens to be on the roof of the apartment building in which a new cape group is forming with a Teamwork Thinker. Plus they are friends/related to two children of a powerful cape who are thus highly likely to trigger at some point and join the team.

    Why am I suddenly believing that Andrea is going to end up seducing Kayden and then forming a three way relationship with Danny?
     
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  8. Kerfirou

    Kerfirou Cultivating Dantian inside a Star

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    Theo reaction is pretty funny, though. Yeah Theo, the girl you're checking on? your sister.

    I wonder what power Annette can have if she triggered? inorganic material manipulation?
     
    AKrYlIcA and ShadowStepper1300 like this.
  9. abyssmal_kismet

    abyssmal_kismet Experienced.

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    Hm... She'd be more likely to get a thinker power than anything related to Kaiser, seeing as she's spent no time around him, and it's proximity, not blood, that causes buds.
     
  10. Chojomeka

    Chojomeka Sexy and I know it

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    ...oh shit they really need to get Kayden to Amy now!
     
    Prince Charon likes this.
  11. Zackarix

    Zackarix Hera's Divorce Lawyer

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    Basically my thoughts on this entire subplot. Kaiser finds out about Andrea and Annette and immediately tries to get them back in the most ham-fisted way possible. Immediately resorting to threats, without even a token attempt at getting together willingly. It's not entirely out of character considering the entitlement issues Max seems to have in this fic, but it is disappointing when I was expecting something more subtle.
     
  12. edale

    edale Versed in the lewd.

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    And then Andrea will seduce the twins, and Danny will end up with ALL of Max's former conquests...
     
  13. godzillahomer

    godzillahomer Know what you're doing yet?

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    Fenja: Wow, he's way bigger than Kaiser!
    Menja: Even while flacid...
     
  14. Muroshi9

    Muroshi9 I'm so ronery So ronery So ronery and sadly arone

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    Taylor: I'm not hearing this. TMI.
     
  15. Psyckosama

    Psyckosama Connoisseur.

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    Please have Purity live... :(
     
    Prince Charon likes this.
  16. Zege

    Zege It's Magic, I ain't gotta explain shit.

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    Well, not ALL of them...

    Gonna need a shovel for that particular achievement.
     
  17. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    There was a token effort. Remember? He offered her a new place, a better position in the company.
     
  18. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    The chapter has been rewritten.
     
    Twilight666 likes this.
  19. SwiftRosenthal

    SwiftRosenthal Connoisseur.

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    Primary changes in the rewrite:

    Janet's appearance and scenes postponed until a later chapter, to maintain tension. She's still present, but the fic is now pretending that she doesn't exist quite yet and it reads in a way that doesn't require her involvement at all.
    Dinah gets Taylor to answer the door instead of Theo, leading to a much more drawn-out argument scene.
    Kaiser is very definitely dead; no more ambiguity there.
     
  20. RoninSword

    RoninSword Sky God

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    Like the re-write better than the original. The lack of Janet's PoV fits the chapter better, as it lets the scene have more significance than just a PtV plot.
     
  21. edale

    edale Versed in the lewd.

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    Really thought Theo was going to Trigger there.

    I could be wrong, but it does seem like a very similar situation to how he Triggered in canon. Replace Max with the PRT and Annette with Aster and it's pretty much identical. The fact that it's the father Theo hates would just add even more stress to the situation, further enhancing his chance to Trigger...
     
  22. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    You may be mistaking Security! with canon.

    In canon, he triggered when Crusader and Purity abandoned him to be captured by the PRT.
     
  23. Zackarix

    Zackarix Hera's Divorce Lawyer

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    It was less an offer, and more Max telling Andrea that she now had a new place and better position. He clearly had no intention of taking no for an answer either way, but he skipped over the part of actually asking.
     
    Ack likes this.
  24. RoninSword

    RoninSword Sky God

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    If you are surprised by that, you don't understand Max's character. This is exactly how I would have imagined him reacting.
     
    Ack and Lantalia like this.
  25. Zackarix

    Zackarix Hera's Divorce Lawyer

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    I specifically said "It's not entirely out of character considering the entitlement issues Max seems to have in this fic," my complaint is that the "token effort" of getting Andrea to come back willingly is written in such a way that even if she had considered Max her true love and had been pining away after him ever since they were separated she would likely still hesitate after the way Max acted. No reasonable person would react well to "We're getting back together after not seeing each other for decades, and of course you agree, so I'm not even going to bother asking first."
     
  26. Prince Charon

    Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know?

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    Max is kind of arrogant, on top of being excited to have finally found her again, so I don't have too much trouble believing that, I think.

    Jamie Lannister would have no problem with this.

    On the bright side, he can still check out Taylor.
     
    Alayne, doomlord9 and Ack like this.
  27. Zackarix

    Zackarix Hera's Divorce Lawyer

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    Is there anything stopping Theo from continuing to check out Annette? Besides social taboos.
     
  28. Impartial Panic

    Impartial Panic I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Max: I HAVE THE POWER!!

    *KRAKATHOOM*

    Max: Owie......
    [​IMG]

    He'd have to endure the men from Maine jokes.
    basically new England's take on mimetic hillbilly's
     
    Ack and Prince Charon like this.
  29. SwiftRosenthal

    SwiftRosenthal Connoisseur.

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    Unless both the Marquis x Iron Rain = Amelia theory and Marquis x Annette (Hebert) = Taylor crackship are both true, of course.
     
  30. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Well, at least he was nice enough to offer her a better place to live, a position as his 'personal assistant' (with concomitant pay raise) and a chance for Annette to go to a better school.

    He could have just said, "Hey, I'm back. You're not currently attached, I'm rich as fuck, so why don't we take up where we left off, without my interfering dad to get in the way?"

    EDIT: Ironically, if Danny hadn't been there, she might well have taken him up on the offer if he'd made it that way :p
     
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