The QUICK and the DEADBEAT

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

Spoiler: Cover Image

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O o O o O​

Ugh… I ache all over, and feel like I literally collided with somebody while running.

Which is patently ridiculous, as I haven't been able to run since that car accident in '95.

"Odd…" a maddeningly familiar voice that I couldn't quite place commented. "That wasn't what the Inverted Duplicate Ray was supposed to do at all."

Okay, blue sky, leafy trees, fluffy clouds, scents of nature, sea salt, and machinery (any of which would be impressive on its own given how poor my sense of smell normally is). Other than the ache, I feel oddly good. Strangely light and even… energetic? Moobs are still there, but my gut is gone?

How?

Oh, wait - those aren't moobs.

And I'm not human either.

I sit up - a miracle in and of itself, as the last time I was on my back in the grass it took two burly paramedics to get me up and on my feet again - and take stock of myself. Blue and beige fur, blue quills, definitely female, no clothes…

Seriously, I don't even have the shoes, gloves, scarf, and ridiculously misapplied athletic tape the other blue hedgehog staring at me from right over there is wearing.

Hmmm…

He looks like a possibly older version of the one from the Jim Carrey movies, only wearing the Sonic Boom outfit. It's not an exact match, but he's definitely more of a "this can biologically exist" type anthropomorphic blue hedgehog. And not the Uncanny Valley version either.

Kinda cute in that "ew, no - that's my brother" way.

What the fucking Hell, brain!?

"Well?" The too familiar voice spoke again, and I turned my head to look at…

Why does that guy look like a live action version of the Dr. Eggman from Sonic Boom!?

Well, at least that explains why I sort of recognized the voice - it was most likely close to whatever voice the character in the show had.

"By any chance, have either of you two morons set off a Genesis Wave Device?" I snark, interrupting whatever this Eggman was going to say.

"How rude!" knock-off off brand Ivo Robotnik protested. "I'll have you know that this device was supposed to create an inverted version of whatever the beam hit! You're supposed to be evil, not female!"

"Whatever, Jimbo," I waved off his complaints as I stood up and shook my limbs prior to doing some stretches to limber up and get used to the feel of my new body.

"My name isn't Jimbo! It's…"

"Bob!" I interjected with a grin.

"What? NO! I'm…"

"Dave!" I interrupted him again. This was kinda fun!

"Are you going to let me finish?"

"Maybe?"

"Go die in a fire."

"Nah - It's my birthday, Pops, so I'm just gonna hit you up for some cash and go buy me a pair of shoes like my bro has."

"What makes you think I'm going to give you any money!?"

In a blur of motion, I crossed the distance between us, punched him in the thigh hard enough to trigger a Charlie horse, and rifled through all of his pockets before he even hit the ground screaming in pain.

"Did you just mug Eggman?" Sonic asked, staring at me as if… Well, I think he hasn't stopped staring at me since I had abruptly popped into existence.

"Are you slow?" I asked, tilting my head to the side as I paused counting the cash I took from the wallet I conveniently found. "Daddy owes me a new pair of shoes."

"I'm not your father!" Eggman denied as he desperately tried to massage the monkey bubble out of his thigh so he could stand up again.

"Oh no, my father has rejected me - whatever shall I do?" I snark blandly as I resume counting my money as I walk away. "I know! I'll go buy some expensive shoes and start thwarting plans!"

"Look, this is funny and all, but you can't go around mugging people," Sonic started moralizing at me.

"How else am I going to get Dad to pay for a pair of shoes?" I replied in what I felt was a reasonable tone…

 

[Doctor]

Tangent, I really Really wanna know what goes through your head that every story of yours I've read has been some level of awesome by page one.

 

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

"You might want to wait here and let me head into the village to buy you some clothes," Sonic offered.

"Thanks, Bro, but I don't trust you with Dad's wallet," I countered. "You and him don't get along."

"You literally stole his wallet."

"Aggressively borrowed with an indeterminate intent to maybe return it… eventually."

"That's called stealing."

"I prefer creative acquisitions."

"Cool, I prefer calling the cops 'creative consequences.'"

"Uhuh, I totally believe you," I replied in a flat tone that indicated that I didn't believe him at all.

"I bet you and Rouge would get along like a house on fire."

"Nah, I'm not into arson," I commented. "Although a good explosion might be fun…"

"That's not at all what I meant," Sonic muttered under his breath. "Look, at least let me get some clothes for you first before we enter the village."

"Why? You aren't wearing pants either."

"That isn't the issue - we both have enough fur down there for basic modesty."

"You aren't wearing a shirt either. I don't think that scarf counts."

"Maybe so, but I'm a guy and you're…"

"Awesome?" I interjected with a manic grin. "Majestic? Fabulous? Insufferable? Magnificent?"

"Well, you're definitely one of those," Sonic commented quietly to himself again before speaking up. "Look, how about I go in, buy you some stuff to wear, then come back with a receipt and you can pay me back?"

"Sure thing, Big Bro!"

"Why do you keep calling me Bro?"

"Would you rather I call you Mom?"

"No."

"Well there you go then."

O o O o O​

I sat on a rock watching the waves hit the beach as I waited for Sonic to return. The air had a definite salty scent to it that I only just now realized that I had just lumped in with the other natural odors rather than the scents I associated with industry or farming.

Anyway, at a guess, I was basically isekai'd into what I figured to be a Sonic Boom type world by means that probably actually have nothing to do with whatever device the local version of Eggman tried to use on Sonic. The voice was vaguely familiar, a bit gruff but not terribly deep. Not really Jim Carrey's take on Robotnik, but not really not that voice either? And I only ever watched a few Sonic Boom Out of Context videos before, so I couldn't rule out the voice being that one either.

Proportion wise, everything seemed to mostly match the Boom setting too, even if the level of detail was all live actiony. Sonic and I had fur and quills rather than texture shading, and the front of our torsos were bare skin. Which would probably net this show an R rating just from my boobs alone assuming the camera angles didn't keep showing me from conveniently PG angles.

Not that I saw any cameras nor heard any camera crews anywhere nearby.

Speaking of which, cameras or not, I did realize that I should probably be feeling more mortified and embarrassed than I really was. I should probably be feeling alarmed at my situation too, but I wasn't. It wasn't that I didn't care that I was a female version of Sonic the Hedgehog. I just wasn't particularly upset that the me that was me is now the me that is me. And this me is a lot more healthy and energetic than the previous me had been. And had a full head of…

…well, quills actually, but I'll take those over having Jean-Luc Picard's hairline with Weird Al Yankovich's hair anyday.

Kinda hard to feel dysmorphia over the new body when virtually everything important is basically an improvement over the old one. I mean, so what if I'm several feet shorter and a few hundred pounds lighter - I was now a variant of the Fastest Thing Alive!

Well, assuming that neither Barry Allen nor Wally West were in this world. DC did have that crossover recently, but I doubt it was with this world.

Hmmm…

I haven't swum in a long while, but unlike Boom Sonic who claimed to not know how to swim, I actually had swimming lessons as a kid, even if I hadn't really swam since my previous me was in my twenties.

So why not have a quick swim while I waited for Sonic to get back?

Putting thought to motion, I zipped out over the water. Oh, this is so cool! I'm actually running on top of the water! This is seriously beyond fast - a real Dash Par moment even!

An awesome moment that is utterly ruined when I trip on a wave, and immediately sink as if my female body fat ratio means nothing at all…

BAD IDEA! BAD IDEA!

WHY IS MY NATURAL BOUYANCY BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE WATER!?

HEDGEHOGS ARE SUPPOSED TO FLOAT!

THESE TWO USELESS LUMPS ARE NOT FLOATY ENOUGH!

WHAT DIRECTION IS THE SURFACE IN!?

WHAT DIRECTION IS THE SHORE IN!?

WHAT IS THE AVERAGE AIR SPEED OF A COCONUT LADEN SWALLOW!?

…

Really, Brain? Monty Python at a time like this?

Oh, hey, there's the bottom, and the slope goes up in that direction. Just need to reach the shore before I run out of air.

Hey! Stop with the about-to-drown music already! I get it, I get it! No swimmy swimmy for me anymore in this life either!

God, you'd think I ate a Devil Fruit or something!

Anyway, my lungs may have been burning from how long I held my breath, but I did at least get to the point where I could hold my nose above the water with my feet in the sand below the waves.

Well, this sucks - I really wanted to swim too…

O o O o O​

"I got you some clothes, based on what i thought i might like if I was a… Why are you wet?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."