The QUICK and the DEADBEAT

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

Spoiler: Cover Image

​

O o O o O​

Ugh… I ache all over, and feel like I literally collided with somebody while running.

Which is patently ridiculous, as I haven't been able to run since that car accident in '95.

"Odd…" a maddeningly familiar voice that I couldn't quite place commented. "That wasn't what the Inverted Duplicate Ray was supposed to do at all."

Okay, blue sky, leafy trees, fluffy clouds, scents of nature, sea salt, and machinery (any of which would be impressive on its own given how poor my sense of smell normally is). Other than the ache, I feel oddly good. Strangely light and even… energetic? Moobs are still there, but my gut is gone?

How?

Oh, wait - those aren't moobs.

And I'm not human either.

I sit up - a miracle in and of itself, as the last time I was on my back in the grass it took two burly paramedics to get me up and on my feet again - and take stock of myself. Blue and beige fur, blue quills, definitely female, no clothes…

Seriously, I don't even have the shoes, gloves, scarf, and ridiculously misapplied athletic tape the other blue hedgehog staring at me from right over there is wearing.

Hmmm…

He looks like a possibly older version of the one from the Jim Carrey movies, only wearing the Sonic Boom outfit. It's not an exact match, but he's definitely more of a "this can biologically exist" type anthropomorphic blue hedgehog. And not the Uncanny Valley version either.

Kinda cute in that "ew, no - that's my brother" way.

What the fucking Hell, brain!?

"Well?" The too familiar voice spoke again, and I turned my head to look at…

Why does that guy look like a live action version of the Dr. Eggman from Sonic Boom!?

Well, at least that explains why I sort of recognized the voice - it was most likely close to whatever voice the character in the show had.

"By any chance, have either of you two morons set off a Genesis Wave Device?" I snark, interrupting whatever this Eggman was going to say.

"How rude!" knock-off off brand Ivo Robotnik protested. "I'll have you know that this device was supposed to create an inverted version of whatever the beam hit! You're supposed to be evil, not female!"

"Whatever, Jimbo," I waved off his complaints as I stood up and shook my limbs prior to doing some stretches to limber up and get used to the feel of my new body.

"My name isn't Jimbo! It's…"

"Bob!" I interjected with a grin.

"What? NO! I'm…"

"Dave!" I interrupted him again. This was kinda fun!

"Are you going to let me finish?"

"Maybe?"

"Go die in a fire."

"Nah - It's my birthday, Pops, so I'm just gonna hit you up for some cash and go buy me a pair of shoes like my bro has."

"What makes you think I'm going to give you any money!?"

In a blur of motion, I crossed the distance between us, punched him in the thigh hard enough to trigger a Charlie horse, and rifled through all of his pockets before he even hit the ground screaming in pain.

"Did you just mug Eggman?" Sonic asked, staring at me as if… Well, I think he hasn't stopped staring at me since I had abruptly popped into existence.

"Are you slow?" I asked, tilting my head to the side as I paused counting the cash I took from the wallet I conveniently found. "Daddy owes me a new pair of shoes."

"I'm not your father!" Eggman denied as he desperately tried to massage the monkey bubble out of his thigh so he could stand up again.

"Oh no, my father has rejected me - whatever shall I do?" I snark blandly as I resume counting my money as I walk away. "I know! I'll go buy some expensive shoes and start thwarting plans!"

"Look, this is funny and all, but you can't go around mugging people," Sonic started moralizing at me.

"How else am I going to get Dad to pay for a pair of shoes?" I replied in what I felt was a reasonable tone…

 

[Doctor]

Tangent, I really Really wanna know what goes through your head that every story of yours I've read has been some level of awesome by page one.

 

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

"You might want to wait here and let me head into the village to buy you some clothes," Sonic offered.

"Thanks, Bro, but I don't trust you with Dad's wallet," I countered. "You and him don't get along."

"You literally stole his wallet."

"Aggressively borrowed with an indeterminate intent to maybe return it… eventually."

"That's called stealing."

"I prefer creative acquisitions."

"Cool, I prefer calling the cops 'creative consequences.'"

"Uhuh, I totally believe you," I replied in a flat tone that indicated that I didn't believe him at all.

"I bet you and Rouge would get along like a house on fire."

"Nah, I'm not into arson," I commented. "Although a good explosion might be fun…"

"That's not at all what I meant," Sonic muttered under his breath. "Look, at least let me get some clothes for you first before we enter the village."

"Why? You aren't wearing pants either."

"That isn't the issue - we both have enough fur down there for basic modesty."

"You aren't wearing a shirt either. I don't think that scarf counts."

"Maybe so, but I'm a guy and you're…"

"Awesome?" I interjected with a manic grin. "Majestic? Fabulous? Insufferable? Magnificent?"

"Well, you're definitely one of those," Sonic commented quietly to himself again before speaking up. "Look, how about I go in, buy you some stuff to wear, then come back with a receipt and you can pay me back?"

"Sure thing, Big Bro!"

"Why do you keep calling me Bro?"

"Would you rather I call you Mom?"

"No."

"Well there you go then."

O o O o O​

I sat on a rock watching the waves hit the beach as I waited for Sonic to return. The air had a definite salty scent to it that I only just now realized that I had just lumped in with the other natural odors rather than the scents I associated with industry or farming.

Anyway, at a guess, I was basically isekai'd into what I figured to be a Sonic Boom type world by means that probably actually have nothing to do with whatever device the local version of Eggman tried to use on Sonic. The voice was vaguely familiar, a bit gruff but not terribly deep. Not really Jim Carrey's take on Robotnik, but not really not that voice either? And I only ever watched a few Sonic Boom Out of Context videos before, so I couldn't rule out the voice being that one either.

Proportion wise, everything seemed to mostly match the Boom setting too, even if the level of detail was all live actiony. Sonic and I had fur and quills rather than texture shading, and the front of our torsos were bare skin. Which would probably net this show an R rating just from my boobs alone assuming the camera angles didn't keep showing me from conveniently PG angles.

Not that I saw any cameras nor heard any camera crews anywhere nearby.

Speaking of which, cameras or not, I did realize that I should probably be feeling more mortified and embarrassed than I really was. I should probably be feeling alarmed at my situation too, but I wasn't. It wasn't that I didn't care that I was a female version of Sonic the Hedgehog. I just wasn't particularly upset that the me that was me is now the me that is me. And this me is a lot more healthy and energetic than the previous me had been. And had a full head of…

…well, quills actually, but I'll take those over having Jean-Luc Picard's hairline with Weird Al Yankovich's hair anyday.

Kinda hard to feel dysmorphia over the new body when virtually everything important is basically an improvement over the old one. I mean, so what if I'm several feet shorter and a few hundred pounds lighter - I was now a variant of the Fastest Thing Alive!

Well, assuming that neither Barry Allen nor Wally West were in this world. DC did have that crossover recently, but I doubt it was with this world.

Hmmm…

I haven't swum in a long while, but unlike Boom Sonic who claimed to not know how to swim, I actually had swimming lessons as a kid, even if I hadn't really swam since my previous me was in my twenties.

So why not have a quick swim while I waited for Sonic to get back?

Putting thought to motion, I zipped out over the water. Oh, this is so cool! I'm actually running on top of the water! This is seriously beyond fast - a real Dash Par moment even!

An awesome moment that is utterly ruined when I trip on a wave, and immediately sink as if my female body fat ratio means nothing at all…

BAD IDEA! BAD IDEA!

WHY IS MY NATURAL BOUYANCY BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE WATER!?

HEDGEHOGS ARE SUPPOSED TO FLOAT!

THESE TWO USELESS LUMPS ARE NOT FLOATY ENOUGH!

WHAT DIRECTION IS THE SURFACE IN!?

WHAT DIRECTION IS THE SHORE IN!?

WHAT IS THE AVERAGE AIR SPEED OF A COCONUT LADEN SWALLOW!?

…

Really, Brain? Monty Python at a time like this?

Oh, hey, there's the bottom, and the slope goes up in that direction. Just need to reach the shore before I run out of air.

Hey! Stop with the about-to-drown music already! I get it, I get it! No swimmy swimmy for me anymore in this life either!

God, you'd think I ate a Devil Fruit or something!

Anyway, my lungs may have been burning from how long I held my breath, but I did at least get to the point where I could hold my nose above the water with my feet in the sand below the waves.

Well, this sucks - I really wanted to swim too…

O o O o O​

"I got you some clothes, based on what i thought i might like if I was a… Why are you wet?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

 

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

"You know, Bro, these fit surprisingly well," I commented as I finished putting on the clothes he bought me. And yes, he did actually buy them - had the receipt and everything. A leather aviator's vest, matching leather gloves with metal plates on the back, a white tube top, shorts, a belt, panty briefs, socks, red and white running shoes (different brand than what he wore for some reason), and way too much sports tape.

I did not even try to put on any of the sports tape, because it's not a fashion accessory and it's fairly obvious that Sonic doesn't know how to use it properly. Not that I do either, but it has a function, and I'd rather have it available for that function rather than getting all stretched out and useless because I misapplied it as a costume element.

"Don't make this weird," Sonic retorted. "At our speeds, being able to do quick visual estimates is vital."

"Eh, fair enough," I conceded. "So, what are you going to call yourself now that I'm Sonic?"

"I'M SONIC!"

"Okay," I nodded, causing him to relax a little. And then I continued. "Granted, I suppose it will get a little confusing after a while. I mean, 'Hi, I'm Sonic and this is my brother, Sonic,' is only funny the first few times."

"It's not even funny this time," Sonic remarked pointedly.

I did the totally mature thing and stuck my tongue out at him.

"How old are you supposed to be again?" Sonic commented drily.

"Hello~ This is my birthday!" I reminded him. "I literally just popped into existence today. I think that I am very mature for my age."

"Uh-huh."

"Okay, okay, I might maybe have a slight impulse control problem…"

"You don't say."

"I do say," I correct him. "And then there's the issue of who my Dad is."

"Didn't he deny parenthood?"

"So he's a deadbeat. I'll win him over."

"Uh-huh…"

"Bro, I'm adorable!"

"You're something alright," Sonic replied, sounding distinctly unimpressed as we continued on into town.

"See? It'll all work out!"

O o O o O​

Sonic actually slowed down as we approached the Meh Burger.

"Alright," he said, pointing between us like he was trying to herd disaster into a box. "New rule: inside voices, no sudden declarations, and absolutely no introducing either of us as 'Sonic.' Got it?"

"I accept these terms under protest," I replied immediately.

"That wasn't a negotiation," he muttered, then walked in anyway like he already knew none of it would stick.

Among other customers I didn't really recognize, I saw Amy, Knuckles, Tails, and Sticks more or less in that order of realizing who they were.

"Hi, Sonic!" Amy replied, then got confused. "And…"

"Oh, he's also Sonic!" I interjected before my brother-by-default could respond.

"I'm Sonic! Pick a different name!"

"But you're me, only male," I pointed out reasonably. "And not wearing any pants. Why would I pick a different name for you?"

"Hi, Sonic! And Sonic!" Knuckles greeted us, apparently deciding to just roll with it.

"So, what happened?" Tails asked, taking a different route of dealing with what was going on.

"I'll tell you what happened!" Sticks announced. "One of them is an evil counterpart from another dimension sent to take our Sonic's place and spy on us!"

"Well, I was going to say that I just popped into existence today," I interjected before the badger could make up more spurious "facts" about me. "Which, by the way, I was totally unprepared for. Still, happy birthday to me. There's a bit more, but honestly, Sticks' version sounds more fun, so let's go with that instead."

"Let's not," Sonic insisted as we reached the table and took seats. "Look, Eggman and I had a thing earlier…"

"Is that what they're calling it now?" I interrupted.

"Stop that! Anyway, Ol' Eggy managed to hit me with some sort of reverse duplo-ray…"

"He called it an Inverted Duplicator Ray," I corrected. "I think. Anyway, whatever it was supposed to do, it made me instead. So Doc Robotnik's my Dad, and Sonic here's my evil twin."

"I KNEW IT!" Sticks announced.

"Sticks, I'm the original!" Sonic insisted. "And neither of us is evil! I think."

"Way to show support, Bro," I snark, feeling slightly down due to the qualifier. Maybe I was coming on too strong?

"So Eggman managed to hit you with an experimental ray?" Tails asked Sonic. "Are you feeling alright? He rarely manages to hit you with anything."

"Why do you consider Eggman to be your father?" Amy demanded before Sonic could answer Tails' question.

"I just told you - He's literally responsible for me even existing," I replied flatly.

"I think it takes a bit more than that to make someone a father," Amy stated as she glared at me.

Tails leaned forward slightly, already frowning in that way he gets when something stops making sense halfway through being explained.

"But that shouldn't be possible," he said, mostly to himself. "If it was an inversion-based duplicator ray, then the output should've been a mirrored behavioral profile or at worst a corrupted genetic template—not a completely separate baseline identity with no causal continuity…" He trailed off, blinking. "…Okay, that's actually really weird."

"Well, yeah, usually," I conceded. "But this is a PG setting, and I don't think we should be discussing the more normal methods in a fast-food place."

"What normal methods?" Sticks asked, obviously intrigued by the topic.

"Well," I started, "when a weird ray beam takes an inappropriate interest in a nonconsenting hedgehog, that's basically how you get surprise offspring, questionable ethics, and a very strong case for child support—"

Sonic clamped a hand over my muzzle so fast the air cracked.

"Why are you like this?" Sonic asked me bluntly.

"Mmmh mmh mm mmhmmm mmh," I utterly failed to make myself comprehensible due to someone holding my muzzle shut. I glared at Sonic.

"Oh, right," he said, releasing me.

There was a brief, terrible pause.

Amy was staring at me like I had just personally offended the concept of romance.

Tails looked like he was trying to do the math on what I'd just said and deeply regretting it.

Knuckles nodded slowly. "Yeah, that tracks."

Sticks leaned forward, eyes wide. "I knew it! The government does owe child support for laser babies!"

Sonic dragged a hand down his face.

"I was literally born today, have poor impulse control, and tend to spout off the first bit of random nonsense that occurs to me in a social setting?" I replied with little thought and most likely not nearly enough hesitation. "I mean, you were there, Bro. Weren't you paying attention?"

Spoiler: The outfit Sonic bought

 

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

While we were still in the Meh Burger (and while I still had Dad's wallet), I went ahead and ordered an actual Meh Burger, with a small soda and a side of fries. Mostly because that's what everyone else (besides Sonic) was already eating, and Sonic had just ordered the same meal for himself. So it was probably safe.

Once our orders arrived, I took a bite of the burger.

It was…

Umm…

Okay, I opened it up, removed the sad, limp, and flavorless excuses for lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles, then took another bite.

"You'd think that wouldn't actually have improved the flavor," I commented between bites. "But it did. How the heck do you make a burger that is less bland the more toppings you remove?"

"How can you not like the Meh Burger?," Sonic asked as the others looked at me, tilting his head. "Meh Burgers are the best burgers!"

"It is objectively the best item combination on the menu," Tails informed me. Which was mildly horrifying.

"This is seriously not okay," I pointed out. "Why do you guys eat here?"

"Eh, it's not so bad," Knuckles commented.

"It's better than what I can make at home," Sticks added.

"They don't really mind if we just hang out and sometimes not order anything," Amy added.

"They let me fix their icecream machine," Tails offered.

"I do bring my own hot sauce for the fries though," Sonic added.

"Gimme!" I demanded. If there was something wrong with my sense of taste, at least some hot sauce would add some much needed flavor to this bland monstrosity.

"No."

"Hold on, I'll be right back…"

And with that, I was out of the Meh Burger and on my way to Dad's place…

…which is in the other direction. I should probably pick up a map while I'm out.

O o O o O​

It actually didn't take me very long to find Dad's lair. All I had to do was find a nice high spot, such as this ridiculously dangerous mountain, look around, and spot a suitably isolated facility such as that white high tech looking tower way over there in the distance.

In short order, I was at the base of the tower, having only overshot it five or six times due to getting lost…

Yeah yeah, I know - all the speed in the world and I still end up taking the long way around to get somewhere.

Let's see…

Try to figure out the pass code for the front door, or just ring the doorbell?

I rang the doorbell.

"What is it!?" Eggman's voice came out of the speaker, sounding all grumpy.

"Hi, Dad!" I responded. "I'm here to return your wallet and borrow some hot sauce!"

"I'm not your father!"

"So you're saying that you don't want your wallet back?"

The door opened. "Get in here! The kitchen is down the hall to the left, third door on the right."

"'Kay! Love you! See you soon!" I ended the exchange and walked inside before he could change his mind. I wasn't even lying either. Just as part of me saw Sonic as my brother-by-default, another part of me legitimately saw Dr. Ivo Robotnik, A.K.A. Dr. Eggman, as my father. Weird, I know, but it probably had more to do with how this body was created than any natural familial connection.

Which I do realize should bother me a lot more than it actually does, but I can't seem to bring myself to care about the emotional bonds that shouldn't be there. I should probably note this down though. I mean, just because I don't seem to find them concerning doesn't mean that this isn't something to be concerned about.

"Hi dad!" I called out as I entered the kitchen and saw him sitting at the table with his sore leg up as Orbot and Cubot were preparing his lunch. "Here's your wallet, and a receipt for the clothes that my brother bought for me, and another for the Meh Burger that I want to borrow the hot sauce for. The only money missing is what I paid for those."

"I'm not your father."

"Look, if you want to be a deadbeat dad, that's on you," I commented, feeling slightly hurt that he was in denial as I rifled through the cabinets looking for Dad's spice rack.

"No, I mean that you were generated by the Inverted Duplicate Ray."

"That you designed and built. That's just fatherhood with a tech degree." Ah, here's the hot sauce!

"Why are you eating at Meh Burger anyway?"

"Because that's where Bro took me to meet his friends," I replied with a shrug as I put the hot sauce in a pocket of my vest. Clearing out the sports tape that I had put there. I put it on the counter. "Here's some sports tape you might find useful. Unlike my brother, I don't really think this is a fashion accessory."

"He's not your brother."

"I know," I admitted. "He's my genetic template. But he feels brothery to me - so: brother."

"That's not a word!"

"That most certainly is a word," I snark back. "It's an indicator used instead of which, who, whom, or when, introducing a defining or restrictive clause."

"That's not what I meant!"

"Anyway, I'll be back around dinnertime to check on you and return the hot sauce. I gotta get back before Sonic starts wondering where I got off to. Oh! That reminds me! I need a name! Apparently my brother isn't willing to let me be Sonic too. Anyway, love you, buh-bye!"

I gave Dad a quick peck on the cheek and sped off, the stunned expression on his face warming my heart.

I'd win him over.

Eventually.

O o O o O​

"Hey, Sonic!" Knuckles called out as I finally reentered the Meh Burger (I really should have picked up that map I had thought about earlier - it might have helped me not get lost on the way back).

"She's not Sonic," Sonic complained. Loudly. "I'm Sonic!"

"You know, Sonic, more than one person can share the same name," Knuckles pointed out.

"Eh, it's all right," I assured the big red echidna as I sat down. "If my bro wants name exclusivity, I'll deal. I just need a different name to go by."

"What were you thinking of?" Amy asked me as I opened up my Meh Burger again and put some hot sauce on it.

"I was thinking: Ivy Robotnik the Hedgehog - to honor both of my parents," I replied absently just before taking a bite of my burger.

Ah, much better!

I enjoyed the rest of my meal, pretty much ignoring the sputtering protests and stunned expressions.

Okay, maybe saying that out loud wasn't my best idea today. But it's nowhere near my worst, so I'm calling it a win.

 

[Razorpine123]

This is hilarious

 

[swarm]

Guess this is better then being ivos hedgehog wife like its that racist Nord with a argonian wife meme

 

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

"Okay, first off - why are you naming yourself after Eggman!?" Amy demanded as I continued to eat my Meh Burger.

The hot sauce from Dad's spice cabinet really improved the flavor. I took another bite and just raised a brow at Amy as I chewed. Slowly. Then swallowed and popped a fry into my mouth.

Bleh! The fries are bland too!

Which…

Okay, that one may be on me since I did randomly wander off in search of condiments in the middle of my meal.

"Well!?" Amy prompted as I applied the hot sauce to the fries.

"I literally just told you," I sighed then turned my attention to Tails. "Is there a hedgehog related memory condition I should be worried about?"

"I don't think so?" Tails replied. "Amy may be more expressing her shock that you are choosing to honor Dr. Eggman's name by picking a variant of it to be your own."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because he's a villain?" Sonic suggested.

"That's a lifestyle choice," I pointed out. "Hardly a basis for not honoring the man who brought me into this world."

"I hate that you have a point," Amy complained.

"She really doesn't," Sonic grumbled.

"I could go back to being Sonic and we could try to figure out a new name for you, Bro," I suggested with a grin.

"Please don't," Sonic pleaded in exasperation.

"Ivy Robotnik the Hedgehog it is then!" I declared my victory, taking a sip of my soda…

"Bleah! How can you guys drink this stuff!? The syrup balance is all off!" I complained.

O o O o O​

Eventually, I managed to finish my meal despite all the interruptions - granted, admittedly some of those interruptions were by me - so I decided to move on to more pressing matters than the implications of Dad's Inverted Duplicator Ray being able to create something like me, and the fact that I considered Dad to be Dad. So I made sure that the lid was tight on the bottle of hot sauce I had borrowed, took note of the brand so I could buy more once I had some income (one for me, and one to give to Dad as a thank you for letting me borrow the first bottle), and then got up.

"Where are you going?" Sonic asked, standing up with me this time.

"Back to Dad's place to return his hot sauce."

"Wait, that's where you went!?" Wow, that was pretty much everyone but Knuckles.

And by everyone, I meant that I was now glaring at several eavesdroppers from the surrounding tables who were now smiling sheepishly and not so discreetly pretending that they hadn't been listening in.

"Where did you think I got the hot sauce from?"

"The market?" Amy offered, with Sonic and Tails nodding in agreement.

"The Fang and Bone Shop?" Sticks guessed. "Oh, wait, no. It's not night and Kilton isn't due back on the island for at least another couple of months…"

Something seemed to be very off about that statement, but the others ignored it so I did as well. Eh, it'll come to me later, I'm sure.

"Nope! I went to Dad's place and asked to borrow some hot sauce," I corrected.

"Why'd it take so long?" Sonic asked. "Eggman's lair isn't that far away." My brother and I pretty much ignored how everyone was staring at him now.

"That's, like, several miles away," Tails pointed out with a skeptical tone.

"Right, like I said, practically right next door," Sonic confirmed, and I nodded in agreement. "Which is why I was wondering why it took her so long."

"I'm supposed to magically know where it is? Come on, Bro! I was just spontaneously manifested today! I can't be expected to know where everything is right off the bat! First, I ran up to the tallest vantage point nearby, which turned out to be this mountain with ridiculously dangerous paths…"

"That would be Mount Safety," Tails helpfully pointed out.

I blinked, wrapping my head around the horrifically misleading name. "Who named it? No, wait, nevermind - I'll just look it up and violently express my displeasure later."

Huh… Why did that rather rotund short mouse guy with the tall, skinny top hat, dapper suit, and a bushy mustache that, while impressive, was clearly inferior to Dad's 'stache suddenly look nervous?

No, getting distracted again - back on track, brain, back on track!

"Look, I'm just gonna go return Dad's hot sauce, then maybe ask him if he has any ideas for a place for me to stay until I get my feet under me…"

"You can stay at my place!" Amy insisted immediately, taking me aback.

"Um… Okay? Guess I'll be seeing you soon then?"

And, with that, I was through the door, out of the village…

…and realizing that I still hadn't gotten that map.

Oh well, time to go take a look from the top of Mount Safety again.

O o O o O​

Sooner or later, I'm going to have to actually get that map. Dad's place is easily visible whenever I have a good enough vantage point, what with being a big, white tower on a ridge of black rock that looks vaguely like a high-tech villain lair or superhero headquarters.

Ooh! I wonder if I can convince Dad to let the place pull double duty? It'd be really convenient for spying on each other and thwarting each other's plans - lots of fun!

Okay, brain, stop that. I'm here to return Dad's hot sauce and letting him know I'm going to Amy's place for a sleepover. Figure out actual living arrangements later.

I pressed the doorbell.

There was a short pause before the speaker crackled to life.

"…What is it?" Dad's voice sounded immediately suspicious.

"It's me," I said. "I'm returning the hot sauce I borrowed."

There was another pause that was just beginning to turn uncomfortable when Dad finally replied. "…That's what this is about?"

"Yes," I confirmed, holding up the bottle slightly even though he couldn't see it. "Borrowed item. Returned in good condition. Mission complete."

"…You came all the way back here just for that."

"Well, yeah," I said. "I said I'd bring it back. That's kind of the deal."

A longer silence followed, like he was reconsidering every life choice that had led him to installing a doorbell.

"Get in here," he finally said, sounding tired in a very practiced way. "Before you decide this is a social visit."

The door opened and I stepped inside, still carefully holding the hot sauce like it was evidence in a very small, very important case.

O o O o O​

After returning the hot sauce to the cabinet I got it from, I immediately left the kitchen to find Dad so we could have a proper social visit. It only made sense to follow up a successful transaction with a bonding opportunity.

Okay, so he said he didn't want a social visit, but if he didn't want a rebellious teen… tween… whatever I counted as right now, that was kind of his problem, not mine.

I was pretty sure "newly created" counted as a valid excuse for at least a few bad decisions anyway.

I headed off to find Dad before I overthought it.

 

[Doctor]

On one hand I don't think my favorite sonic character has made her appearance yet, on the other, I really hope all these stories get their own super genesis wave type event because seeing even just two of your Gremlins interact with each other would be hilarious chaos.

 

[Razorpine123]

"it's hard being a single father"- Eggman probably

 

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

O o O o O​

"Hi, Dad!" I greeted even as I jumped onto his back to give him a big hug!

Hey, it took me a while to find him, and I had to be careful around his robots 'cause I didn't want to break his things if they thought I was an intruder.

"Get off of me!" Dad yelled as he tried to pry me off of his shoulders. I just gave him a quick peck on the cheek and hopped off to go find a clear countertop somewhere to sit on while we talked.

Look, if I sat in one of the chairs I wouldn't even be able to see over the table. Dad's tall. It's a whole thing.

"I'm not your father!" Dad groused as he spun his chair away from his project to face me. "And what are you doing here anyway? I said not to make this a social visit!"

"I love you too, Dad," I replied - I'd win him over eventually. "How's your day been going? Mine's been a little weird, what with suddenly existing and all that, and discovering that my neutral buoyancy is somewhere below the surface of saltwater!" My eye twitched, and I suddenly felt an upwelling of rage. "Ask me how I know!" Which I quickly suppressed as being completely unhealthy for either of us. "Anyway, Amy invited me to a sleepover, so I guess I'll be staying over at her place until I get my living situation sorted out. Unless you'd like to set up a room for me here?"

"No," Dad grumped as he glared at me. "One: You sound like you might kill me in my sleep."

"I would not!" I denied. "Although I would appreciate it if you maybe did something about my negative buoyancy issue."

"Two: Why are you consorting with my enemies!?"

"Because I need a social group willing to put up with me until my emotional maturity catches up with my physical maturity?"

"That…" Dad paused and leaned back in his chair in thought. "...is a surprisingly self-reflective response."

"I just say stuff," I shrugged. "Sometimes some of it makes sense."

"I really need to figure out what went wrong with the Inverted Duplicator Ray," Dad said under his breath.

"Or what went right," I suggested helpfully.

"That presupposes that anything went right with that device. Still…" Dad looked me over carefully. "Allow me to run a few scans and tests."

"Sure," I replied agreeably. "I'm kind of curious as to why I turned out this way too. I mean, I could have ended up all yellow, with pink eyes, an edgelord attitude, and an inability to move faster than molasses."

Dad just looked at me.

"What? The device literally has 'inverted' right in the name! Do you have any idea how many ways 'inverted' can be interpreted?"

O o O o O​

"Hold still," Dad snapped as he adjusted something on the machine.

"I am holding still," I said, lying flat on the table. Or at least I was trying to. Now that I wasn't moving, every bit of dried salt from earlier decided to make itself known all at once.

I twitched.

"Stop that."

"I'm not doing it on purpose," I said, trying to lock my limbs in place. And failing miserably as the itchiness spiked anytime I held too still, causing me to wriggle and twitch.

"Why are you moving!?"

"I'm itchy," I admitted. "Saltwater. Turns out it doesn't just go away when you leave the ocean."

"Then ignore it."

"I am ignoring it," I said. "This is me ignoring it."

I lasted about two seconds this time before scratching my arm and forcing my hand back down.

Dad stared at me. "…Do I need to restrain you?"

"That seems unnecessary," I said. "Also counterproductive."

"…How."

"I agreed to be here," I pointed out. "If you strap me down, I'm going to start objecting on principle."

He narrowed his eyes. "…Fine. Orbot! Show her where the shower is! Cubot, wash her clothes! I'll have something appropriate prepared for the lab once she's clean!"

"Thanks, Dad!"

"I'm not your father!"

O o O o O​

I took a moment to look myself over once I was back in the lab.

Okay, yeah, This was good.

I was expecting something simple, like a paper hospital gown or lab scrubs. Instead, I got this.

Red, black, and grey - clean lines, fitted without being restrictive, and actually comfortable. The gloves felt solid, the shoes were black and red versions of the same type of Air Shoe that Shadow wore, and there were enough hidden pockets that I was pretty sure I hadn't found all of them yet. Sure, there were some signs that it was recently altered, meaning that Dad had it prepared for if I had popped into existence as a male copy of Sonic, but the restitching was barely noticeable and could be fixed later.

…Which raised some questions.

Not important questions. But questions.

I flexed my fingers, shifted my stance, gave a quick test step - Yep. No complaints.

"I love it!" I announced.

Dad didn't look up from his console. "It is optimized for mobility and durability. Nothing more."

"And Amy and I can make a game out of finding all the listening devices and other bugs you put in these!" I added brightly.

That got his attention.

"I did no such thing!"

I looked at him.

"Dad, I love you, but you're a supervillain and I'm spending at least one night in the home of one of your adversaries," I said. "Of course you bugged my gear."

"I most certainly did not!" he snapped.

I tilted my head.

"…You didn't?"

He crossed his arms. "No."

Huh.

I considered that for a second.

"Well, that seems like a missed opportunity," I said. "We can fix that later." Not that I actually believed him, but he sounded convincing, and if he hadn't he hadn't. Amy would be helping me search for bugs anyway, I'm sure.

"And this doesn't upset you?" he demanded.

"Why would it?" I replied. "If you want to spy on me, you're going to spy on me. This just saves you the effort of being subtle about it."

He stared at me. "…That is not how this is supposed to work."

"I'm new," I reminded him. "I'm still figuring out the rules."

"That is increasingly apparent."

I grinned.

"Still, seriously - this is great. Thanks, Dad."

"I am not your…"

"Ooh! Can I be on your racing team?"

"Wha- I don't have a racing team!" Dad denied, distracted from completing the denial I didn't want to hear.

"You totally should," I said. "You build the best machines!"

Spoiler: Ivy, wearing her new set

 

[Razorpine123]

man eggman makes a lot of dumb looking stuff but that is some drip right there!