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With This Ring (Young Justice SI) (Thread Fourteen)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Mr Zoat, Jan 27, 2019.

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  1. Bramble Thorn

    Bramble Thorn Verified Silhouette

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    HELLO THERE, CITIZEN!

    Because I read that passage more than once, and the way I read it was Sunset, the pony who have been with Grayven for the past year (and wanted to become an alicorn) came out of the mirror with wings (and since she already had a unicorn horn, was thus a alicorn), the implication that something in her experiences and growth during the past year on Earth had been significant enough to put heer over the edge into alicorn hood when translated back into pony physics.

    So she look at her wings, saw she was a alicorn, fulfillment! She did the impossible, she is special, etc etc.

    Then she looks over and sees Twilight, and sees her Wings (and horn) noticing she is a Alicorn too. And this is so unfair! And Grayven is having fight with yet another alicorn she has never seen before, like WTF! Celestia is such a bitch, why did she sabotage my efforts to become one and then help these other bozos?

    ...and that was the gist I got out of that passage. I did no know that maybe Sunset was not supposed to have wings until right now as I am writing this down. So if Sunset wasn't supposed to come out of the mirror with wings, then NO, It is not ok, and you did a shitty job of clearly conveying exactly what you meant.

    Just FYI.
     
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  2. Chaoswind

    Chaoswind Lord of nonsense

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    Maybe its a thing with English? I got the intent perfectly but English is my third language, so maybe there are some nuances I missed that are causing confusion.
     
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  3. Siiracai The Supernal

    Siiracai The Supernal Shadows and Balance

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    I understood it as it was intended the first time around, being that Sunset saw the fact that Luna and Twilight had wings before yelling about alicorns. It appears to have been a personal misunderstanding, and not a language related one, or an issue of Mr Zoat being unclear. English is my first language, so I can say with full confidence that there were no nuances that should have been seen by most people, and thus leaving the confusion to as small a number as possible.
     
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  4. Coda

    Coda Versed in the lewd.

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    semicolon
     
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  5. Rieverre

    Rieverre The Thing That Should Not Be

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    Congratulations ... I'm now reading and apparently enjoying a My Little Pony fanfic ...

    ... this is a strange eon indeed.
     
  6. Simonbob

    Simonbob Really? You don't say.

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    I can tell Gravyen's not taking this seriously at all.

    I wonder if having all this fun might counter the Anti-Life fragment, along with the nature of Pony-verse, even if the Ponys in question can't help directly?
     
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  7. Threadmarks: Equestrian Girls (part 6)
    Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    1st April 2012
    22:48 GMT -6


    "Elements of Harmony."

    Sunset and I look down from a near-empty viewing gallery as the late train to Canterlot approaches.

    "That's why Celestia was so fixated on me making friends. She wanted me to turn Nightmare Moon back into Luna, like Twilight did. And… Probably end up becoming an alicorn like she did."

    "Probably."

    "I don't… If she'd just told me, I'd have-."

    "You'd never have learned to do it for yourself. You'd just have blundered into it copying someone else's work. Like Twilight has."

    "I… Guess."

    Hm. Change the topic. I nod towards the tracks.

    "Do you know why it's called the Friendship Express?"

    "What?" She blinks, and shakes her head. "No..? They were still building it when I left." She turns her head in the direction of the train now pulling into Canterlot Central Station. "Though I can't say that I'm surprised. Celestia clearly thinks that friendship is the solution to everything, including trains."

    "I was a little surprised that there's only a single line."

    "It's because the city's on a mountain. Creating room for a second track was going to be so expensive that they decided to just merge the tracks at Saddle Lake."

    "That's a crash waiting to happen."

    "It's probably only temporary. I wasn't really paying attention-" I see the purple dot I know to be Twilight Sparkle appear in a flash of purple and trot over to five other dots. Good. "-because the trains use next to no magic and that's pretty much all I was interested in."

    I stare at her, eyes wide. "No. Really?"

    She turns her head back toward me and rolls her eyes. I grin, and she gives her mane a toss in irritation. "So? Why do you want to meet them?"

    "What's my biggest problem?"

    "Darkseid. And…" I see it in her expression as understanding dawns. "He's a big, unfriendly, disharmonious evildoer. Do you.. really think that the Elements of Harmony can defeat h-"

    "What have I said about the word 'defeat'?"

    "-im?" She sags slightly. "That imprecisely worded descriptions are no one's friend." She frowns in puzzlement. "So what do you actually want?"

    "I'm not in any position to be fussy. Apokolips doesn't have a moon, but they can banish him to.. wherever it was Uncle Drax ended up if they like. Or turn him to stone. Or… Make him non-evil. I'd take them killing him, but I don't actually want that specifically."

    "I'm.. not sure…" Sunset looks like an atheist who has just learned that angels are real and is now trying to calculate how many could fit on a pinhead. "Going to Apokolips might be a little bit dangerous-."

    "Obviously. But there's something eminently Apokoliptian right here that we can test it on!"

    "You-? Your Anti-Life fragment. You want them to shoot you?"

    I nod. "I was a little worried that the Elements rewrote the target's mind when their purge function was used, but after speaking to Luna I'm prepared to accept that they don't. So… Yeah. I'm the best choice of test subject."

    "I suppose that makes sense. And… It… Might work. But I'm not sure that-"

    Mother Box, boom tube.

    Ping.

    "-it works on things that aren't a real-"

    BOOM!

    "-threat noGrayvenno!"

    I stride out onto the station platform, the Element bearer herd just in front of me and staring ponies all around. And I shut down the boom tube even as Sunset lunges for it.

    Rainbow Dash has crouched slightly, sizing me up for her forthcoming assault. Pinkie Pie looks more puzzled than anything, her head slowly rotating clockwise and I'm going to stop watching in case it keeps going. Applejack is standing nearly still, but is taking the time to loosen her muscles in case of hostilities. Rarity is blinking in surprise, her gaze already moving to my armour. Twilight is frowning, probably trying to work out why I'm here rather than just waiting for them at the palace.

    Wait, wasn’t there another one a moment ago? Ring, locate-. Ah, that's where Fluttershy disappeared to, hiding behind the luggage trolley.

    Right, can't actually do magic, but if I focus my desire to crush and destroy through my horn… There we go, purple bubbles of evil! I flare my wings, and the rubberneckers either flee or seek cover.

    "BAWHAHAHA! I am Grayven, Alicorn of Conquest! I'm going to take over Equestria and when I do, I'm going to ban flying, cakes, apples, clothes, books and-" I jump, misjudge and have to activate my aero-discs to avoid falling on my face. With their help I land next to the cowering Fluttershy, crouching down so that my head is level with hers. "-bunny rabbits."

    "Ee!"

    She scrambles away from me, wings flaring in an instinctive attempt to make her look bigger than she actually is.

    I leap to my hooves! "AND THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOP ME IS THE ELEMENTS OF-"

    Rainbow Dash's forehooves hit me in the chin and I barely feel it. The mare herself wasn't ready for me to remain standing and she grunts in pain as she's knocked off her intended flight path.

    "-HARMONY!"

    A loop of rope drops over my head and tightens around my neck. Applejack pulls at the far end of the lasso, and slides across the floor towards me as I anchor myself in place.

    Wait. They're not wearing their elements, or… Check… Carrying them. Blast.

    "BUT THEY ARE IN PONYVILLE, FAR FROM HERE! AND IN THEIR ABSENCE -the absence of the El-e-ments of Har-mon-y- I AM INVIOLATE!"

    Rarity's eye widen. "Twilight! We don’t have the Elements-!"

    "AT ANY TIME WITHIN THE NEXT-" Eyes staring, I check the arrivals and departures blackboard. Alright, only one track so it’s the same train that leaves that goes back… "-THREE HOURS-" I turn back to the herd. "-BEFORE MY SPELL IS COMPLETE, THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY CAN STOP ME! AT ANY TIME AT ALL. THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN FOR ME IS SOMEONE GOING RIGHT NOW TO FETCH THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY AND BLASTING ME WITH THEM!"

    Pinkie Pie narrows her eyes at me suspiciously. "Wait a minute. That's exactly how long it would take us to take a train to Ponyville, visit the library and then take a train back to Canterlot!"

    "THE ONE FLAW IN MY PLAN!"

    She beams. "That's really convenient! I wish all our bad guys were like you!"

    "YOU'RE WELCOME! IT'S NICE TO BE APPRECIATED!"

    Twilight moves her head from Pinkie to me and back again. "But the Elements of Harmony aren't in the library. We had to put them back in the Tree of Harmony-"

    The what?

    "-to stop the Plunderseed Vines."

    Right… How long would it take to get from Ponyville to… Wherever that 'Tree of Harmony' thing is..? And the next train… Ah… Roughly…

    "THREE HOURS AND THE TWO FURTHER HOURS THE SPELL NEEDS TO FULLY TAKE EFFECT!"

    "Wait." Rainbow Dash suddenly looks suspicious. "I think you want to be blasted with the Elements! Like it's your big master plan and you need them to make it work!"

    "NO! BEING HIT BY THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY -THE ONE THING TO WHICH I AM VULNERABLE- IS NOT PART OF A DIABOLICAL MASTER PLAN AT ALL!"

    "That's exactly what a diabolical master planner would say!"

    "Then YES, I WANT YOU TO HIT ME WITH THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! TO PROVE THAT I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN HARMONY! I DEMAND THAT YOU BRING THEM HERE!"

    She glare at me. "We're not gunna bring them here just because you tell us to!"

    "YOU WON'T BRING THEM HERE WHEN I TELL YOU NOT TO AND YOU WON'T BRING THEM HERE WHEN I TELL YOU TO! WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE YOU BRING THEM HERE?!"

    Twilight sits on her haunches and gesticulates with her forehooves. "We literally can't bring them here."

    What?

    "WHY NOT?"
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2020
  8. Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    Thank you, corrected.
     
  9. Cuchulin

    Cuchulin Versed in the lewd.

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    Yes, Twilight does seem to mostly put blind faith in Celestia and what her book tell her rather than investigate anything her self. Which causes trouble from time to time. That said Sunset was in the human world almost all the time and didn't have much or direct access to info on things that needed investigating.
     
  10. Citizen

    Citizen Well worn.

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    How much fun is he having right now? On a scale of 'yes' to 'very much' I mean.
     
  11. freakytiki34

    freakytiki34 Making the rounds.

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    This is the greatest thing I have ever seen, holy shit
     
  12. Bigking321

    Bigking321 Not too sore, are you?

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    This is very amusing.

    Carry on.
     
  13. Oglymogly

    Oglymogly I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Grayven really can't win can he?

    .... Is this the narrative rules of thus dimension working against him? He is (kinda) evil, and his goal is to get splashed in the face by friendship juices. So of course he shows up when the Harmony Hose is down.
     
  14. Gromweld

    Gromweld Learning By Mistake

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    When I saw his name as a hyperlink, I immediately understood it was going to be a pony version of him. I still clicked it anyway and was not disappointed.

    @MrZoat : How long into writing this story did you begin planning for at least one version of the SI going to Equestria for a scene like this? This definitely feels like a story beat that you've been wanting to do for a very long time, if only by the sheer library of hilarious links you've clearly stockpiled for this episode/chapter.
     
  15. Darko

    Darko Connoisseur.

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    This... was a... thing that... happened.
     
  16. Flux Casey

    Flux Casey The Colonel

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    Everyone. If you didn't click this link, click it. You might just have a tenth as much fun as Zoat is having writing this arc. And trust me, that's a lot of fun.
     
  17. moralrelativity

    moralrelativity Recovering pendant.

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    crouches -> crouched
     
  18. Redhawk

    Redhawk Getting out there.

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    I think that’s crouched.

    Also,
    this was the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a long time.
     
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  19. TheEyes

    TheEyes Well worn.

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    Oh, goodness, is Grayven going to be providing snarky commentary while pushing the Mane Six to speedrun through all of Season Four, just to get blasted by the Elements as a test run? That's incredible!
     
  20. Handlewithcare

    Handlewithcare Versed in the lewd.

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    :D:D:D


    This might be THE. BEST. POSSIBLE. THING! (so far)

    Maybe nex time he should add theatrical organ music?

    We also continue Grayven's theme of rushing into things unprepared and without asking questions first.
     
  21. Sceptic

    Sceptic Critical Irrationalist

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    Grayven attempts to embrace Celestia's strat, and finds he isn't as good at it as she is.

    Seriously, shown up by the incompetent, that's got to hurt.
     
  22. Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    Oh man, I don't even know. Sometime before I wrote the last 1st of April episode. I've got a bunch of segments written and I'm just discovering that I'm not going to be able to use them as they won't fit the story now.
    Thank you, corrected.
     
  23. Massgamer

    Massgamer Not too sore, are you?

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    I normally don't read Renegade at all but as a fan of MLP I am enjoying this.:p

    The only bad guy that wants to be blasted by Elements, I wonder why Twilight didn't interrupt in confusion at all.
     
  24. Chojin Patriarch

    Chojin Patriarch Veteran Lurker

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    Something like that, yes. There's a bit more to it, though, of course, but she doesn't know or care...

    Or simply failed utterly and gotten angry, and bam! Thousand years Moon!

    "And just how toyetic it is? Seriously, it's like Equestria runs on toy-marketing concept art..."

    Honestly, that's just irresponsible. I expect there are plenty of safety posts along the line to avoid poor timing.

    That's what i said! The logistics of running it back and forth must be a nightmare!

    Ah, Grayven. Fanboying again over the Mane Six?

    The most adorable tyrant ever!

    "What I want is some privacy so I can geek out over being in a position many fans would kill for, but...

    There are understatements, and then there are understatements!

    Let's hope it doesn't come down to pulling a 'Rabbit Season! Duck Season' gag on them...

    Yep, Renegade as usual. Leaping in head-first regardless of danger or consequences...

    Try listening, Grayven, this could be important...

    "Come back here, you idiot! We need to do more research!"


    Adorable as ever. and yet badass.

    Why can I smell Ham?

    Don't push her too hard, or she'll bust out The Stare!

    Truly, a good actor. Not even being bucked in the face by a pegasus stops his monologue!

    <facepalm> This is what you get for jumping in without looking, Grayven!

    ...Are they seriously buying this?:eek:

    "Damn your genre-savvy companion!"

    :confused:...Not sure if fooled, or merely playing along because it's funny...:p

    Which Grayven doesn't know about because he hasn't seen Season Four, has he?

    This is seriously getting embarrassing, Grayven. Stahp, pliss...:V

    ...Seriously, has that ever happened in the series?:confused:

    Honestly, Grayven, You're already chewing the scenery. No need to go the whole hog.

    Curses, foiled by contrary idiots!

    Just make him stop, please. He's embarrassed himself enough already...

    And cue Sunset fly-kicking him, having spontaneously developed flight abilities to do so.

    Well, if anyone was likely to be afraid of him, they aren't now. If anything they'll pity him as a lunatic...
    (Dangit, 'This Bites!' updated at the same time this happened? Curse you, internet! How can I focus on two awesome things at once?!)

    Correction:
    ...all I was interested in.
    ...expression as understanding dawns...
    Is this meant to be unbolded, or is he mock-whispering?
     
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  25. Mquz

    Mquz Versed in the lewd.

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    Thing is - he is a genuine threat. Once he gets fully anti-lifed he’s basically going to potentially be Sombra v2. Explain this is him “containing / being corrupted by an ancient and powerful evil” and that he needs to be blasted with the elements or he’s gonna basically do a Nightmare Moon.
     
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  26. Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    Link?
    Thank you, corrected.
    OF COURSE IT'S MEANT TO BE BOLDED!
     
  27. masterofmadness

    masterofmadness Know what you're doing yet?

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    This is significantly less Red then I would have thought from Sunset finding out about the elements. Is she just in shock and hasn't had time to process this? Cause I would be surprised if she forgave Celestia at all even with the new information.
    I can't tell if Pinkie caught on to the fact he was acting and chose to play along with the gag or was genuinely innocuous here and I love it!
     
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  28. Mquz

    Mquz Versed in the lewd.

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    Fortunately, being a drama queen is par for the course for everyone in MLP.
     
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  29. jaelin910

    jaelin910 habitual lurker

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  30. Grek

    Grek (she/her)

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    Really looking forward to Grayven's dad getting pulled into Equestria and turning into a pony. I NEED me some Darksteed getting defeated through the power of friendship.
     
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