Zig
Not too sore, are you?
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Slime can solve the traveling salesman problem in linear time. Put this demon in touch with the right people and they'd literally sell their souls to him.
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With This Ring (Young Justice SI) (Thread Fourteen)
- Thread starter Mr Zoat
- Start date
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- self insert young justice
Slime can solve the traveling salesman problem in linear time. Put this demon in touch with the right people and they'd literally sell their souls to him.
Ngamer11
Experienced.
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I was reading the story only thread and found that this link doesn't work anymore.
WereDragon
Bookwyrm
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If you are going to have a hell, it might as well be organised.
You would be amazed how untidy an ecosystem gets if nothing is bottom-feeding. Lot of stuff that needs to be broken down and you can't expect the high and mighty predators to do it.
Valint
I trust you know where the happy button is?
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So... am I the only one that was hearing Renegade's dialogue in the style of John McGinley from Office Space?
Mr Zoat
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Anyone remember where it went?
Ardy
I trust you know where the happy button is?
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It was a framed picture of the full sivana family, presumably taken at one of their get-togethers, with the picture of them together implying that the criminal and legitimate members meeting up is canon.
Mr Zoat
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Well, I've replaced it. Don't know if it's the same as what was originally there.
Ardy
I trust you know where the happy button is?
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No but that one actually works better
Duke Long
Glomerulus
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Extraneous 'you're'?
'an aeroplane'? Actually, I'm surprised that he doesn't say 'airplane', being an American.
Mr Zoat
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Thank you, corrected.
moralrelativity
Recovering pendant.
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Absolutely. Or, as I like to call it, The Queen's English. (It shall NEVER be the King's english!)
RichardWhereat
Aia airëa Fëanáro.
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I only recognise one King. Fëanáro, and one Queen, Freddie.
Prince Charon
Just zis guy, you know?
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Customer service... run by slime demons from hell. Um, well, they might not make it much worse.
EDIT: Telemarketers! That's what I was trying to remember.
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Hellish Content (part 2)
Mr Zoat
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Day 3
14th March 2013
11:12 GMT
Someone thinks highly of themselves.
Apparently, this is Purgatory. The realm where souls who committed no significant sins but didn't have faith in any gods and failed to make other arrangements for their soul come. A privilege for the dominant afterlife services provider: becoming the default option.
To be honest, it doesn't look so bad.
I mean, that's part of the basic idea. If the afterlife is what you make of it, people bad enough to go to Hell aren't going to be the sort of people you'd want to hang around with. Here on the other hand you might well be surrounded by morally righteous secular humanists. That has more options. People could build things without slave-drivers forcing them to.
And what they've built appears to be… Heaven. Of the Greco-Roman architecture with added fluffy clouds variety. Peasants work the fields with primitive tools while… Cyborg? Angels? Stand guard. I don't recognise the guns they carry, but they look a bit more sophisticated than the simple slug-throwers that the more technically inclined demons in other parts of Hell carry.
Speaking of which… I'm not… Seeing any demons. I mean, okay, Purgatory. In the uncharitable reading of the nature of Heaven, the punishment for people here is just being excluded from the light of God, which implies that the Source is so arrogant that it can't imagine a punishment worse than being away from its company. To my mind that says more about the writer of that little gem than the Source, but if this place runs on those rules... Demons would have almost no role here. Certainly, the people here wouldn't be due any extra punishment. And they'd only mill around in mists as Dante appeared to think they would if they wanted… To.
Though that would explain the cloud aesthetic. Just bundle the mists up into specific places to clear room for a pre-industrial idyll.
Five mecha-angels approach me, two hanging back with guns ready to be put at the ready. The leader appears to be an Asian woman, though her eyes appear to have been replaced with arcane cybernetics.
"Hello, stranger. Have you just arrived?"
"No, I've been here a few days, now."
She nods. "We don't get a lot of aliens around here. Where are you from?"
"Apokolips. But I.. don't want to give you the wrong idea. I'm alive."
She nods in the patient manner of a woman who has had to break the bad news to people who've said that to her before.
"No, seriously." I pull out the scroll containing the First's Writ of Passage. "The First has commissioned me to study his domains, and I wanted to meet the ruler of.. this place first." She looks nervously at the scroll, some sort of spell effect emanating from her artificial eyes. "Seems to be doing a pretty good job, as a God of the Dead. Not sure it's what the First had in mind, but it's nice to see someone making something of the place."
She blinks as the spell ends. "I've confirmed.. your authority. Lord Satanus will see you immediately."
"Good show." The squad shifts orientation as they move from border guards to escort detail. I fall in behind the squad leader. "So how long have you been here?"
"I'm not exactly sure. We don't have days here, but I think it's been about eighty years. I was born in eighteen eighty three, if that's any help."
"The current year is twenty thirteen, so happy one hundred and thirtieth birthday."
"My birthday is in April."
"Belated one hundred and twenty ninth, then. Whereabouts are you from?"
"America. San Francisco."
"Not my kind of place, but it's still in one piece. Mostly. Anyone you want me to take a message to when I go back?"
"No. I doubt that my children are still alive and I never knew my grandchildren."
"Ah. I'm sorry to hear that."
"Not everyone lives a long and happy life. I have to say that my afterlife has been more fulfilling."
"How did you end up here, anyway?"
"I'm from a Chinese-American family. Too cut off from the land of my parents to believe in their gods, not American enough to go to church."
"I.. understand what you mean, but there's no actual requirement to be American to be Christian. There are plenty of Christians who are ethnically Chinese, though the ones in China tend to keep quiet about it if they've got any sense."
"I never even visited China."
No, I suppose… Travel would have been a bit expensive while she was alive. Not impossible, but not something she would have been able to do for a quick visit.
"So what's with the cybernetics?"
She raises her right hand-. Ah, yes, I see that she probably wouldn't be able to fit a normal human limb inside that. "This? This is to give us the strength to fight demons."
"Is that something you need to do a lot?"
"I've had to do it a few times. It's not a constant battle, but everyone is on watch for the next time they find a way in here. Demons are a lot stronger than the souls of humans."
"I don't know about that. I spent a few hours talking to Slime Demons this week and they die if you hit them with a lit match. It's probably just that coming here takes more strength, so you only get raided by the stronger ones."
"I suppose. We can go into Hell from here, but as far as we know there's no way back. Not a lot of people are interested."
"If you're interested, I could probably work-. Mother Box?"
"Ping."
"Okay, not quite yet, but Mother Box is very good at making portals and as long as I'm doing it to better understand the functioning of Hell the First's Writ lets me do a lot that's normally politically unwise."
"So I could choose to go somewhere terrible and full of suffering and monsters?"
"Ah. Well, that doesn't-. Yes?"
"Thank you, but no."
One of Sir Terrence Pratchett's earliest works was an essay where he advised the devil that while no one actually wanted to go to Hell permanently, it was possible that people would choose to visit for a little while for much the same reason that they choose to go on roller coasters without actually wanting to be in a train crash. But… This…
Yeah, this wouldn't be a bad place to spend eternity. Or however long they get.
"What do you know about Satanus?"
"Nothing that he doesn't choose to share, which is little to nothing."
"Has he mentioned his father or sister at all?"
"I didn't know demons had those."
"He's a little unusual. Honestly, this setup he has here clashes with everything I've heard about him. I guess he's intelligent enough to embrace the dual moral standard."
"What does that mean?"
"That he treats his own people well, but is ruthless and cruel to other peoples."
"I haven't seen how he treats other people. He sometimes leaves to visit other places, but he doesn't take anyone with him and he doesn't talk about it. I think he finds being here relaxing."
"That makes…" The clouds part and I get a good look at his palace. It's the flipping Parthenon at the front with statues of the master of the place dressed like a hoplite instead of those of the Olympians. "Sense. Please, take me to him."
14th March 2013
11:12 GMT
Someone thinks highly of themselves.
Apparently, this is Purgatory. The realm where souls who committed no significant sins but didn't have faith in any gods and failed to make other arrangements for their soul come. A privilege for the dominant afterlife services provider: becoming the default option.
To be honest, it doesn't look so bad.
I mean, that's part of the basic idea. If the afterlife is what you make of it, people bad enough to go to Hell aren't going to be the sort of people you'd want to hang around with. Here on the other hand you might well be surrounded by morally righteous secular humanists. That has more options. People could build things without slave-drivers forcing them to.
And what they've built appears to be… Heaven. Of the Greco-Roman architecture with added fluffy clouds variety. Peasants work the fields with primitive tools while… Cyborg? Angels? Stand guard. I don't recognise the guns they carry, but they look a bit more sophisticated than the simple slug-throwers that the more technically inclined demons in other parts of Hell carry.
Speaking of which… I'm not… Seeing any demons. I mean, okay, Purgatory. In the uncharitable reading of the nature of Heaven, the punishment for people here is just being excluded from the light of God, which implies that the Source is so arrogant that it can't imagine a punishment worse than being away from its company. To my mind that says more about the writer of that little gem than the Source, but if this place runs on those rules... Demons would have almost no role here. Certainly, the people here wouldn't be due any extra punishment. And they'd only mill around in mists as Dante appeared to think they would if they wanted… To.
Though that would explain the cloud aesthetic. Just bundle the mists up into specific places to clear room for a pre-industrial idyll.
Five mecha-angels approach me, two hanging back with guns ready to be put at the ready. The leader appears to be an Asian woman, though her eyes appear to have been replaced with arcane cybernetics.
"Hello, stranger. Have you just arrived?"
"No, I've been here a few days, now."
She nods. "We don't get a lot of aliens around here. Where are you from?"
"Apokolips. But I.. don't want to give you the wrong idea. I'm alive."
She nods in the patient manner of a woman who has had to break the bad news to people who've said that to her before.
"No, seriously." I pull out the scroll containing the First's Writ of Passage. "The First has commissioned me to study his domains, and I wanted to meet the ruler of.. this place first." She looks nervously at the scroll, some sort of spell effect emanating from her artificial eyes. "Seems to be doing a pretty good job, as a God of the Dead. Not sure it's what the First had in mind, but it's nice to see someone making something of the place."
She blinks as the spell ends. "I've confirmed.. your authority. Lord Satanus will see you immediately."
"Good show." The squad shifts orientation as they move from border guards to escort detail. I fall in behind the squad leader. "So how long have you been here?"
"I'm not exactly sure. We don't have days here, but I think it's been about eighty years. I was born in eighteen eighty three, if that's any help."
"The current year is twenty thirteen, so happy one hundred and thirtieth birthday."
"My birthday is in April."
"Belated one hundred and twenty ninth, then. Whereabouts are you from?"
"America. San Francisco."
"Not my kind of place, but it's still in one piece. Mostly. Anyone you want me to take a message to when I go back?"
"No. I doubt that my children are still alive and I never knew my grandchildren."
"Ah. I'm sorry to hear that."
"Not everyone lives a long and happy life. I have to say that my afterlife has been more fulfilling."
"How did you end up here, anyway?"
"I'm from a Chinese-American family. Too cut off from the land of my parents to believe in their gods, not American enough to go to church."
"I.. understand what you mean, but there's no actual requirement to be American to be Christian. There are plenty of Christians who are ethnically Chinese, though the ones in China tend to keep quiet about it if they've got any sense."
"I never even visited China."
No, I suppose… Travel would have been a bit expensive while she was alive. Not impossible, but not something she would have been able to do for a quick visit.
"So what's with the cybernetics?"
She raises her right hand-. Ah, yes, I see that she probably wouldn't be able to fit a normal human limb inside that. "This? This is to give us the strength to fight demons."
"Is that something you need to do a lot?"
"I've had to do it a few times. It's not a constant battle, but everyone is on watch for the next time they find a way in here. Demons are a lot stronger than the souls of humans."
"I don't know about that. I spent a few hours talking to Slime Demons this week and they die if you hit them with a lit match. It's probably just that coming here takes more strength, so you only get raided by the stronger ones."
"I suppose. We can go into Hell from here, but as far as we know there's no way back. Not a lot of people are interested."
"If you're interested, I could probably work-. Mother Box?"
"Ping."
"Okay, not quite yet, but Mother Box is very good at making portals and as long as I'm doing it to better understand the functioning of Hell the First's Writ lets me do a lot that's normally politically unwise."
"So I could choose to go somewhere terrible and full of suffering and monsters?"
"Ah. Well, that doesn't-. Yes?"
"Thank you, but no."
One of Sir Terrence Pratchett's earliest works was an essay where he advised the devil that while no one actually wanted to go to Hell permanently, it was possible that people would choose to visit for a little while for much the same reason that they choose to go on roller coasters without actually wanting to be in a train crash. But… This…
Yeah, this wouldn't be a bad place to spend eternity. Or however long they get.
"What do you know about Satanus?"
"Nothing that he doesn't choose to share, which is little to nothing."
"Has he mentioned his father or sister at all?"
"I didn't know demons had those."
"He's a little unusual. Honestly, this setup he has here clashes with everything I've heard about him. I guess he's intelligent enough to embrace the dual moral standard."
"What does that mean?"
"That he treats his own people well, but is ruthless and cruel to other peoples."
"I haven't seen how he treats other people. He sometimes leaves to visit other places, but he doesn't take anyone with him and he doesn't talk about it. I think he finds being here relaxing."
"That makes…" The clouds part and I get a good look at his palace. It's the flipping Parthenon at the front with statues of the master of the place dressed like a hoplite instead of those of the Olympians. "Sense. Please, take me to him."
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Darko
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I mean imagine suddenly losing a limb and potentially never getting used to its loss.
That would be pretty disturbing for a lot of people.
"Chinese-American"
Well some demographics may severely disagree with that.
Remove "to".
"Hell, the First's"
The Froggy Ninja
The Blade Will Never Die
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Or, perhaps more fittingly, never seeing the sun again. Survivable and theoretically something you could adapt to, but still having pretty unpleasant psychological consequences.
Darko
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Without the First there to help him form a connection to the material universe, his plans may have changed.
We know that renegade would apparently raid Hell in the future, so his meeting with Satanus may not be all that positive.
Maybe Satanus would try to capture him so that he can use his connection to the Source to do what his paragon version did.
Chojin Patriarch
Veteran Lurker
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Ah, yes, the 'taint' of the Afterlife. Not good enough for Heaven, not bad enough for Hell. And those that just don't fit anywhere else. I wonder why the Renegade is here, since this seems outside his contracted purview. But perhaps meeting the neighbours could suggest improvements for the Downstairs.
At least it's not the multi-stepped mountain of Dante's vision, with its' implicit function of climbing it to get closer to Heaven. And not located in the Pacific Ocean.
Well, I suppose Greco-Roman style looks classier than most alternatives, especially since so many post-Renaissance and Industrial Revolution-era architects copied it nearly wholesale.
That or someone's been cribbing Hades' notes.Honestly, sounds like the best deal of the lot. At least if you aren't a super-hardcore Believer.
Huh. Evidently there's a need for defence, though. Presumably Hell does visit sometimes.
Surprised they aren't more defensive. I'd expect some of Hell's stink to be lingering about him given the time he's spent there. Unless he's only commuting.
I suppose any non-terrestrials who show up tend to be those who die on Earth without prior arrangements. Which would be kind of rare, but not completely unknown.
...Even if their sense of style is a little old-fashioned.
Oh-ho. Satanus, eh? Interesting. I guess he considers being a Lord of Hell a step up from managing the in-betweens.
...So, eternal daytime? What if you prefer nights?
...Could make a killing bringing reasonably durable time-keeping equipment in, I bet. Although what they'd pay with would be a bit up in the air.
...It's depressing that that needs to be a thing.
Huh. Bit of a hard life, I guess. Not unexpected of the era.
...That just makes her story sound all the worse.
And I suspect it's been a long time since more than a handful of communities worshipped the Chinese... Pantheon seems the wrong word, but a place with such a long history of civilisation is bound to have contradictory faiths.
Ah, yes. The era where 'Around the World in Eighty Days' still seemed fantastic and somewhat improbable.
...Dammit, too much Warhammer. I'm picturing something akin to a Soroitas Living Saint's armour. Or possibly a Stormcast Eternal with more technology.
Presumably raiding when someone wants a purer sort of soul. Since the sort that end up in Hell tend to be lower-quality...
...Hmm... Perhaps organising some sort of return access might be useful.
"Still adjusting my calibrations for this realm, dear."
Does seem something of a downgrade in locale, doesn't it?
I don't see anyone being curious about the place. Not when this is so much better just on reputation alone..
Which raises the question of how long folks hang around. I assume it's possible for someone to reincarnate, but the paperwork might well be such a bitch it's rarely done.
Keep his cards close to his chest, huh?
The Wizard Jebediah of Canaan and Angelica Blaze, respectively, in case anyone forgot.
...Why do I get the feeling the demonic attacks happen because he lets them in, bought off by whatever nobility of Hell pays his price?
Like his day job. Wonder how things are rolling along in the Paragon timeline, given what's been happening over there.
Well, at least he has the taste to steal good architecture.
Well, it's a good reminder of the differences in timelines, at least. Hopefully things around here run well enough that Satanus' fate in the Paragon timeline (Arrested, converted into a Construct Lantern, and then revived as a normal human) hasn't messed things up too badly for them. Now, what will the Renegade be discussing with him, I wonder?
Darko
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Limbo is part of Hell since a demon has control over it, and the Renegade is currently trying to improve Hell.
Well, I suppose Greco-Roman style looks classier than most alternatives, especially since so many post-Renaissance and Industrial Revolution-era architects copied it nearly wholesale.
Plus Greece is often viewed as one of the birthplaces of civilization, and Satanus is trying to make Hell better, so he may want to associate with what's viewed as one of the first civilized societies.
Or he just liked the style.
Heck, some may even worship the Abrahamic faith.
Adom's former comrade was apparently an alien that either converted to Judaism, or was raised in it.
Plus, there's the possibility that some of the aliens that came to Earth were from Source worshipping societies.
A way to test out his defenses and potentially earn the loyalty of those under him if they view him as their defender.
I'm guessing his magazine company is gone.
Odysseus2099
Versed in the lewd.
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Assuming it's intended as a punishment, rather than just "Don't want to follow my rules? Fine, you do you, just not in my house." Immigration standards in other words.
Mr Zoat
Dedicated ragequitter
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You Americans and your hyphens.
What's the number one religion in Africa?
Thank you, corrected.
No, he didn't pause.
Modified.
It got cleaned up a little while ago due to [Rule 8], but will probably start being needed again in the near future due to [Rule 8]....It's depressing that that needs to be a thing.
No. If you remember, these people showed up to defend the SI against Karrien. It's more like Graft from Phantom 2040, or a bare-bones Cyberpunk frame.
Darko
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I'm not American.
I wasn't talking about demographics in Africa, but demographics in America.
Mr Zoat
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Oh? Where are you from?
I'm pretty sure that African-Americans, African/Americans, African Americans and American Africans are mostly Christian too.
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Darko
Connoisseur.
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Sorry, not telling.
The demographics I was thinking of don't exactly have a lot of people of color in them.
Mr Zoat
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Are you sure you're not American? Because that's a very American way of putting it.
Darko
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Last time I checked.
I do watch American media, like a lot of people.
Coda
Versed in the lewd.
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You capitalized "Lord" in all of the rest of Blarg's dialogue.
Mr Zoat
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Thank you, corrected.