A Second Chance to Embrace War

[Naqu2o]

By the time I open my eyes, it was the same scene that will sear into my mind forever to come. My wife, my dear lady, dancing at the local town's festival. A flower adorned her silken hair, as she was dancing with her lady friends without paying any attention to how much attention she is gathering.

It was the very first time I have ever met my wife. I remember once upon a time thinking to myself, how could I, just a knight, be so lucky as to meet someone like her, even though she never notices me at first.

However, at this moment, the voices in my head are fighting eachother. One set of voices are saying "Walk away", the others are saying "Kill her".

However, out of consideration, for our past relationship, I chose to listen to the first after a long internal debate, never noticing that everything is different this time.

Because this time, instead of being distant strangers, she was looking at me, and her eyes only have me.

---

I am tired. I am truly, extremely tired.

If there is one thing my life teaches me is that you can only live within your mean. Even your hope and dream cannot exceed your mean as life would do it best to ruthlessly destroy it. I thought I have a good head on my shoulder, and my first half of life perfectly exemplified that.

However....

It is just unfair.

It is completely unfair to ME.

In my second half of life there was nothing that I can do that was correct.

There was exactly nothing I can do that would lead me and mine to our fairy tale happy ending.

Ever since seeing my ex-wife, my palm was filled with cold sweat. Any little thing caused me to flinch, to remember the pain, the torture, the darkness.

Anyone who says a strong will can overcomes torture is a liar. It can break a man, break a man so badly that the pain will continue to linger in his nightmare to come.

And all in all, it is unfair to me.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN DO.

---

After trashing the local forestation in a fit of mania, I think I finally calm myself down. I think it won't happen again, at least in a short time.

As a child, I remember the old stories. When people go mad, they often run off into a forest and never return, turning feral. There are even stories of knight running into the forest naked, biting down on bark to keep down hunger while fighting imaginary war until their fists bleed and they died of the rot.

That isn't the end that I want.

Because it is not fair. NOT FAIR TO ME.

Punching a rockface until it shatters, I gather enough of my scattered psyche to reconstruct a picture of my future life.

And exactly, there was nothing I can do, since the first move I made was already wrong.

First of all, my wife, the "unassuming village girl" who I fell for and dedicated my life to isn't actually a "village girl" at all. She is a princess, even if she didn't know about it at first.

And it was the start of all of my tragedy.

Marrying outside of my mean.

Was I a prince it would have been within the scope of what is possible. Maybe I can even live to an old age and watch my son take up my mantle

However, I am not.

In this world, if you live beyond your mean, the world itself would correct your faulty assumption.

Even in dream, you cannot dream it.

Or the only thing that will await you is an eternity of damnation. Even in dead, you will not know peace.

My body feels cold even as the memories return.

At time like this, the dark voices become stronger.

"Kill her. She is the source of all of your pain."

"If you have never met her, you would live out your life happily."

However, my reason remains, and love, too remains.

I used to love her, no matter how much Fate has diminished it. She used to be my life, even if eventually it turns into pain. Pain is pain, but I can't deny love, no matter how tempting it is.

It would be better if we have never met.

Then, I would continue to live in bliss, being just a knight.

And she, the plaything of fate, would continue to be toyed with by Fate. I'm sure one day, she will become the princess, welcomed back to that despicable family that birthed her. Someone else would be arranged to be her "true love" so that the first child born out of "true love" would be born.

And then that child would be sacrificed according to the covenant the royal family has with their God.

...

And then she would be entangled with all different kind of men. Her own brother, the northern duke, the mysterious divine servant.

With each men in her life, the life of her "true love" would become more and more difficult, more like a living nightmare.

And then one day, she would witness his death with her own eyes, and there would be nothing in those eyes.

Because she knows her position in life. Everyone has a role to play, and her role is a toy for powerful men to play with and she can't resist.

I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. It was my tear, but I can't do anything about it. In life there is something you truly cannot do anything about.

Just like a lowly knight should not have any hope of wedding the princess.

Wiping my tears, saying to myself I will never cry again in this life, carefully I unfold a map.

It was weathered by the years, the edge completely frays, the colors yellowed away.

It was my father will, just as his father left to him, and his father's father left to his father.

I never truly believe in prophecy until it hits me in the face.

My mistake.

The second most important thing I learn about the future is that "Magic is real".

It is just that I, in my position, never would be allowed to be in contact with it. Magic is something old, something powerful, something to be horded away by the powerful families.

The land's royal family has it, but it requires the blood sacrifice of the first born of a girl in the family. It sustains them, empowers them, allows them to do the truly unthinkable.

Have you ever seen a small group of 10 destroying an entire army by chanting words in a dead language?

Have you seen minds being completely torn, arranged and changed as will by someone with a wave of their hand?

In front of magic, it was laughable to think that my nearly superhuman strength can do anything.

Yes, at the end, I nearly killed my wife's "brother". The distance between my knife and his throat was just a hairbreadth away. However, that distance might as well be infinite with how that ended.

I used to not believe in Gods.

However, the royal family's God is real, and bestow upon them real magic.

That makes me re-examined my entire life.

Could I touch that threshold? The threshold upon which you actually started to matter?

And then I realized that yes, my family has something.

My father has always told me that our family has declined and that we used to be great one, standing with the other ancient families. However, the decline, once started was unstoppable, until my generation.

However, my father has also told me to never seek our inheritance.

It stands to reason that if the other family has their secret, my family must too, being supposedly like them.

There is an old legend that passed down my family supposedly.

It was the same reason my father told me to never seek my inheritance.

The legend goes that "There is a blade. Those who know it, would not seek it. Those who seek it would never know peace against in their life."

Ever since I have been exposed to the true side of the world, I am more sensitive when it comes to magic phenomenon. And faintly, I can sense that what contains within my family's heirloom map is real.

It was, however, also a malevolent force, not unlike that which I have seen rolling away from that abomination spawn at the end of time.

It was whispering in my mind, to touch it, to caress to it, to take it into my heart.

And I have decided that it is exactly what I wanted.

Malevolent or not, I do not want to be helpless ever again in this life.

Even if I turn into a demon, it would be worth it.

I want to experience that exhilarating feeling that I only felt one at the end of my life.

It was an addictive feeling that I can never forget.

If I was given a second chance in life, I have decided that I would dedicate it to that one feeling. The second half of my life was a blurred between darkness and pain and there was only one moment where I felt truly alive. I have decided that it would be my life goal, no matter what it takes.

So, I will give up my everything. My current life. My belongings. Everything that I have in pursuit of that goal.

I look back at the town where my future is.

I used to love her with all my heart, and she was just victim of fate, never being able to control her fate. However, her existence has been the source of all my pain.

So, whistling the love song that we once only sang to each other, I run away.

May we never encounter each other again in this life.

Goodbye, my beloved.