Summary: It was meant to be just another nothing out of the ordinary Extermination Day. A day where countless sinners met their end. Unfortunately for Adam and his cronies, a very pissed and recently deceased ninja didn't get the memo, and he doesn't take well to meaningless slaughter either.
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A Stay of Execution
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Legend of the Kyuubi
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A Stay of Execution
This is a work of Fan fiction. All of the original characters, organizations, techniques, and events portrayed in this fictional literature are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictionally. Though the majority of the events and most characters take place in and are a part of Hazbin Hotel.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Hazbin Hotel or Helluva Boss or any other manga or stories. I do have ownership of the techniques, the originality of this plot, the story I created and some others things in this story. But the elements from manga artist, etc I do not own.
Jutsu, Japanese translation: Iaijutsu: Itto no Hissatsu (Iai Technique: Certain Death in a Single Stroke)
Normal speech: I hate paperwork. I bet Sarutobi retired just to escape this.
Demon/Summon or Fusion speech: Finally, I am free!
Human Thinking: Oh, no you're not!
Demon/Summon: Shit! I don't wanna go back! Old man save me!
Summary: It was meant to be just another nothing out of the ordinary Extermination Day. A day where countless sinners met their end. Unfortunately for Adam and his cronies, a very pissed and recently deceased ninja didn't get the memo, and he doesn't take well to meaningless slaughter either.
"Greetings everyone! And welcome to 666 News! I'm Katie Killjoy!"
"And I'm-"
"No one gives a shit Tim!" a smiling Katie interrupted.
"It's Tom-"
"Who the fuck cares!" The gas-mask-wearing demon didn't get far as his co-star punched him out of the camera's view.
"It's that day again folks: Extermination Day! And I don't need to remind you what that means! If I do, you're a fucking idiot that should just let yourself get killed! Already have the Exterminators made their way from Heaven and descended upon those poor useless saps too helpless to save themselves! But don't worry! Only 23 hours and 47 minutes to go! So, do try and make it entertaining while the rest of us who are safely away watch and bet on who will last the longest! Have a nice death!"
Click!
"Geez, what a cunt."
"Angel!"
"What?! You gonna tell me that bitch ain't?"
"That's not the point!" Vaggie, girlfriend of the Princess of Hell, Charlie Morningstar, couldn't dispute that Killjoy was, as Angel so delicately put it, a cunt. That said, "Charlie and I don't want you using that word. We're trying to redeem you, remember?"
"Ughh! Yous twos suck the fun and joy outta everything ya know? Angel don't swear. Angel don't make sexual innuendos! Angel, stop harassing Husk. Angel, no orgies in your room. Angel don't leave your sex toys lying around. Oh, that reminds me, I put them in the washing machine. So, you're welcome."
"Ugh, Angel that's not the-Wait, washing machine?…We don't have a washing machine," they used to but the damn thing busted and they lacked the funds to replace it.
"You don't? Then what the hell did I-"
Boom!
"GAAAAHHHH!" a winged cat-like demon screamed as he was forced into the air by the sudden explosion, his airborne born form almost reaching the second floor before he fell back onto the hotel lobby ground. When he got up, he was angry, red-faced, and covered in unknown wet substances, that Vaggie didn't want to know about, "Which one of you fucks filled the dishwasher with used-up sex toys and coke!"
"AH, DAMN IT! I knew I was forgetting something," Angel wondered where his last batch had gone, "Note to self: Don't hide crack in used up dil-"
"Stop! For the love of-" the former exterminator didn't know how much longer she could take Angel's bullshit. She honestly didn't know how Charlie did it. Vaggie would have killed him long ago.
"Vaggie! What happened I heard an explosion! Did the Exterminators come here!"
"No, Charlie," Vaggie sighed cruel as her former sisters-in-arms are, the exterminators weren't stupid. They were only allowed to attack sinners, not hellborn, as a result of Lucifer's deal with Heaven. Attacking the Princess of Hell was a big fucking no unless Heaven wanted an all-out war, and Vaggie knew that those above Adam didn't.
"Then what was it?"
"Angel blew up the dishwasher," Vaggie informed her girlfriend. The comment made Charlie blink in confusion, "What?"
"We have a dishwasher?" Charlie asked, "I thought we had a washing machine?"
Vaggie couldn't believe it, "...Seriously, babe?"
"What! I've never used one before," being a princess she had servants do that for her instead. This was all new to her.
"HA! So, I wasn't the only one who mistook it for one!" Angel Dust chortled.
"Sigue hablando putita de mierda (Keep talking you fucking manwhore)," Vaggie cursed at the pornstar.
"Clean! Clean! Clean up! Oh, messy! Clean up! Ahahahahaha!"
"Niff! Get the hell off me!" Husk barked as the small unhinged clean-freak cyclopean sinner crawled all over him, "Oh, fuck this. I'm taking a shower."
"We're outta hot water," Angel revealed. Husk cursed and looked ready to kill the porn star a thousand times over.
"This hotel fucking sucks," the cat demon muttered. It would take hours before the hot water was available. Fuck you, Alastor.
Speak of the devil, "Now, now! There's no need to insult this charmingly decrepit house of false hope."
"Ugh, Alastor," Vaggie groaned, not wanting to deal with the infamous Radio Demon's shit at the moment, "Weren't you working on the commercial?"
"Oh, yes, my dear Vagatha! I was adding the finishing touches when I heard all this commotion and decided to indulge my curiosity," the sinner smiled.
"Yeah, well, now you know. Anything else?" she hoped not.
Sadly, for her, he did, "Just one. Are you absolutely certain you still want this advertisement on-"
Vagatha growled, her frustration was starting to reach its limit, she didn't know why she had to repeat herself to the infamous overlord, "Yes! People watch TV, Alastor. Barely anyone listens to radio broadcasts anymore! A bigger audience means a bigger chance of getting people to come here!"
Alastor merely continued smiling that creepy smile of his. She'd never admit it out loud but it unnerved her to no end, "Well, if you want my opinion, my dear-"
"Uh, guys?"
"No! I don't want your opinion on this!" Vaggie told the overlord.
"Guys?"
"Vaggie, let me handle this. Alastor … um… It's not that we don't appreciate - and we really do, don't get me wrong - your help. But maybe we could move this al-"
"Hello?"
"Hahaha! Trust me, my dear. I want this little project of yours to take off just as much as you do."
"That's a load of bullsh-"
"Will youse fucks shut the hell up!" Angel finally got their attention.
"WHAT!" Vaggie exclaimed.
"Language~" Alastor sang in reprimand.
"Angel, what did we say about-" Charlie tried to remind but was cut off by Angel once more.
"Someone killed an exterminator!" he said, pointing to his phone.
"...I'm sorry, what?!" Vaggie was the first to ask after a quick look at the post, not believing it.
"Check it out!" turning the television back on, everyone watched as the screen showed an announcement from VoxTek, and though his smile remained, Alastor's facial expression had a subtle shift in it to show his displeasure.
(A few minutes earlier)
Carmilla Carmine ran as quickly as she could, her daughters not far behind her, and cursed her luck. Time had unfortunately gotten away from her during her last outing. Or, more specifically, when she went to investigate the rumours that one of her underlings was skimming off the top and had been doing so for quite some time now.
The rumours had proven to be true, and an example had to be made lest she lose face and her reputation take a hit. It had taken longer than expected, apparently, he didn't work alone, and when the three women began making their way back to the safety of their bunker did the clocktower of the Heaven Embassy signal the sound all sinners dread.
The beginning of Extermination Day.
And so now, here she was being chased by a small group of exterminators. Death in Hell for sinners and hellborn wasn't permanent under normal circumstances, as they'd be able to put themselves back together again. An attributing factor for Hell's overpopulation problem. But getting killed by angelic weapons or any weapon made from angelic steel was the absolute end.
No second chances. No putting yourself back together. You were just dead.
Carmilla was no stranger to death, having experienced it when she was once human and several times during her first century in Hell when she had yet to earn the title of overlord. But those days had long since passed, and even if the Vees, the youngest of the overlords, showed her little to no respect, she was now one of the strongest overlords and the unofficial Head of the Table as it were. When she summoned, they listened, most of the time.
But the past was rearing its ugly head once more, and Carmilla never felt closer to death than she did right now. And like a cornered animal, that made her very, very dangerous. Especially when the lives of the two she treasured the most were on the line.
"Mother!"
A quick glance behind Carmilla showed her youngest daughter Blanca pointed ahead of them to two exorcists that blocked their path. With the other three exorcists behind them Carmilla, Blanca, and Ana were effectively surrounded.
Fortunately, Carmilla had long since noticed many things about the exterminators. They were aggressive in their fighting style, if it could even be called that, and left themselves wide open for counterattacks. The fact that they wore virtually little to no armor also played in her favour.
Seeing a gap in their formation, Carmilla ordered her daughters to flee with a commanding, "Go!"
Neither of her daughters questioned their mother as they fled the scene, one exterminator made the mistake of going after them, exposing her back to the weapons-dealing overlord. So, when one of the angel's comrades went to skewer the sinner and missed, Carmilla made short work of the angel by severing her head with her angel steel-tipped shoe, and the second angel that went for her daughters fell soon after.
The act appeared to catch the remaining exterminators off guard. Carmilla knew that no one in history had ever tried, as far as she was aware, to kill an exterminator. She counted it as many not having the courage to do so when their lives were on the lines and the exterminators' infamous reputation when it came to the Cleanse as some called it.
Which worked in her favor, for none of these exterminators would leave here alive, none of them could for fear of them reporting who did this and the repercussions that would surely follow.
"Kyaa!"
Carmilla's head whipped around fast, not caring if she gave herself whiplash, and her heart was just about ready to burst from her chest when she saw the unthinkable. Ana was pinned down by an exterminator and Blanca wasn't fairing any better. The pale-skinned demoness was on her knees, her arms pinned to her back and her gaze forcibly held on her sister. They were making her watch what was to come.
Neither of her daughters were as strong as her. Blanca was the scientific mind and Ana was stronger than her sister but while both knew how to defend themselves against the average everyday sinner, against angels they were effectively dead in the water.
Carmilla raced to her daughters as fast as she could, ignoring the exterminators closest to her. A mistake on her part as her leg was suddenly pierced by holy steel and sent her sprawling to the ground, her hair coming undone in the process.
Carmilla could only cry out as she watched the exterminator raise her spear, ready to end her eldest child, "NO!"
Squelch!
Carmilla's mind froze as the angel's spear entered her daughter's body, her blood gushing out as the weapon was removed and raised up high once more. A typical exterminator tactic. The first stab was meant to inflict horrendous amounts of pain, making the victim suffer, and the subsequent stabs that would follow would only add to it until the victim finally bled out. For injuries caused by angelic steel could not be healed by ordinary means, or any means anyone in Hell possessed as far as she knew.
And even if they did, her daughter would be long dead by then. Non-fatal ones could heal over a long period of time, but they would leave a permanent mark and flare-ups could occur. Not so with fatal ones.
Fatal was fatal. No ifs, ands, or buts.
And Carmilla's years of experience told her the exterminator looked ready to do just that: a fatal blow.
Squelch!
But that plan never came to be, and everyone watched as a deadly ebony gilded chain burst from the exterminator's chest, her ichor splashing the ground, her fellow angels, and a dying Ana. So focused were they that none of the exterminators could react quickly enough before they fell to the same fate as their sister.
Numerous dark-gilded chains ended the lives of Heaven's exterminators. Most died immediately, others managed to avoid an instant death only to fall seconds later as the chains' deadly tip coiled like a snake and came around to deliver a lethal blow.
And once they were all taken care of, the chains retracted themselves from the bodies of their victims, Carmella watched as they made their way back to an unsuspecting source.
A man.
A very tall man with blond hair.
But Carmilla didn't care about that. Despite the pain, Carmilla removed the spear from her leg and hopped to her daughter, ignoring the agony of each step and the agony that filled her heart so mercilessly as she finally reached her eldest child.
"Ma…má," Ana rasped, her breathing uneven.
"Shh, don't talk, Ana," Carmilla told her daughter.
Ana, however, was very much her child as she stubbornly tried to raise her hand towards her mother, the limb shaking and her dark-toned face becoming paler by the second. Blanca was beside her, not bothering to hide the tears that willingly came pouring down.
"Ma…" Ana couldn't even finish her word and already were eyes starting to glaze over.
"I'm here, miha, I'm here," Carmilla bit her lip to try and force back her tears as she held her dying child. She was failing miserably.
"Stay away!" Carmilla heard Blanca shriek.
Carmilla looked up and glared at the whiskered man, his appearance unlike any other demon she ever laid eyes on. He was too human in appearance. Hell, if it weren't for the fox-like ears on his yellow-banged head, the black marks around his eyes, the slits in his red eyes, and the large red tail, he'd be a dead ringer for one. He wasn't the tallest demon she'd ever encountered, but he was clearly taller than Carmilla even with her shoes.
Carmilla watched and then held her daughter closer to her as the man's hand became enveloped in golden flames. It was clear to the overlord that he was dangerous, having killed six exterminators was a testament to that, which wasn't an easy feat even with the proper means and insight knowledge.
And this unknown individual did so without either.
But Carmilla wouldn't go down without a fight. But a quick raise of his hands in a non-threatening manner confused her.
"I'm here to help," he told her, his hand alight once more and going towards Ana.
Carmilla wasn't a fool and wasn't one to trust easily and grabbed the outstretched flamed-covered limb. Her senses exploded; her mouth agape as she felt her entire being surge with energy the likes of which she never felt before in either of her lives. It felt warm, welcoming, and calming. It also took away the pain her leg... Wait, what?!
A quick glance at her leg showed the wound was now gone, healed over, and without leaving even a scar. And that momentary distraction was all the blond needed to place his hand on Ana. Carmilla would have cursed were it not for the fact that her daughter's vicious wound began to knit itself back together, her face's pallor returning once more to its original state, her breathing once uneven had been restored to a steady rhythm, and the glaze in her eyes was gone.
"Mamá?"
Carmilla was never one to show soft emotions so openly to strangers, even to her own daughters except in private. But the fact that her daughter who mere seconds ago was a Death's door was healed and well, even with years of self-control and discipline, Carmilla couldn't stop herself from shedding happy tears.
As the stranger rose, Carmilla said something she rarely said to anyone.
"Thank you," it was a whisper, but the blond demon heard her nonetheless if the smile she spotted was any indication.
"Need help getting outta here?" she heard him ask.
A proud woman, Carmilla would usually deny such assistance. However, given the current circumstances, she opted not to take any chances and took whatever opportunity she could get. The man bent down and proceeded to carry Ana bridal style, earning a blush from her daughter, and watched in fascination as his large tail unfurled and divided into nine other ones that proceeded to wrap themselves around Blanca and Carmilla.
"This is Captain Uzumaki speaking, please keep your arms and legs beside you at all times. Beep, Boop!"
Carmilla and her daughters were starting to rethink their opinion of th-holy shit they were up in the air and moving at breakneck speeds.
"So, where to ladies?" their savior asked.
"Well, first off, can we have your name?" Ana yelled.
"Name's Naruto. Nice to meet ya," he grinned, and Ana giggled.
"Oh, lovely, another crush," much as Carmilla loved her eldest, she unfortunately had the tendency to fall for someone rather quickly. Well, at least this one was one of her better choices. The others ended up tasting her steel-tipped shoes.
"Carmilla."
"Ana."
"Blanc-hurk-a," her youngest looked rather green.
"No vomiting!" Naruto begged. It was a bitch cleaning his tails ever since he got them, and vomit was one of the worst things to clean up, "Where to?"
Ana giggled, "You actually passed it."
SCREECH!
Naruto pumped the brakes, the sudden movement nearly setting Blanca off and flew back towards the building her sister pointed at. Once they landed, Blanca couldn't hold it any longer and emptied the contents of her stomach. Fortunately, despite still being held by Naruto's tail, the digested matter didn't stick to his prehensile appendage.
"Thank you for using Uzumaki Airlines, we know you have your choice of airlines, and you picked the wrong one. No refunds!" he teased Blanca.
"Just put me down!"
"You got it!" Naruto grinned, doing as she ordered.
Oof!
"Wise ass," Blanca muttered, rubbing her tender posterior.
Naruto simply continued to grin as he gently put down Ana and her mother, "Well, ladies it's been fun."
"Come here!" Ana grabbed him and planted a kiss on his cheek, and then gave him a card, "Call me."
Naruto blinked. As far as tips went that was a pretty damn good one. He was a bit torn though. For one, he had no idea how old this girl was, Naruto himself had been almost a hundred and seventy when he passed, despite not looking it, and he was fairly certain this girl was much younger. But with wisdom came age. Naruto knew better than to ask how old she was and wisely put the card away for now. Then again, who knows? The girl could be older than him.
Naruto learned four things when he woke up here.
First, one stopped aging. Second, dying by ordinary means here wasn't permanent, not that he'd like to test that. Third, he was a heck of a lot taller than before, apparently one's former height whilst alive changed alongside their looks. Not that Naruto was complaining. Though he had been an inch shy of six feet before, he did always wonder what it would be like to be even taller. At almost seven feet that wish was granted. And lastly, one automatically learned the dominant language of Hell, which explained why he could speak, read, and understand a language that wasn't his own. But that only applied to English apparently. The last one was the most convenient.
"Here," he watched as Carmilla gave him her own card, "You helped me, and I repay those who do well by me. If you need help call and I will see it done."
"Uh, thanks?" Naruto didn't know what to make of it, but wouldn't refuse help, "Know where I can find a good ramen stand?"
"...Que?"
"Ra-men," Naruto accentuated, "You know, the food of the gods?"
Carmilla merely looked to her daughters, Ana shrugged, but Blanca had the answer, "Noodles. High in sodium."
"YES!"
"Pentagram City doesn't have anything like that at the moment. All we have are instant cups and they were all bought by someone."
"NO!"
This place really was Hell.
Boom!
"I don't know about you, but I'm going inside. Zestial! Open up!"
"You're welcome to join us. More than welcome," Ana flirted.
"Ana-"
"Sorry, kid, but I gotta take care of some assholes. Some other time. Ja!"
"...You don't think he meant why I think he meant, right?" Ana asked, watching him fly off into the distance.
"What do you think. Uncle Zestial," Blanca greeted as the door opened.
"Blanca. Ana. Prithy, dearest Carmilla. Whom was that?" Zestial asked from the doorway.
Carmilla merely looked at her oldest friend and smiled; Zestial blinked thinking his eyes were playing tricks on him. But the smile remained.
Interesting, mused the ancient overlord.
(Present)
"Pew! You're dead! Pew! Ooh, double kill! Pew!"
"Ahh! My balls!"
"Ooh, noice!" Adam cackled, deciding to let the sinner suffer instead of killing it.
"Sir!"
"Woah!" Adam scowled as his shot missed its target, "The fuck! You ruined my streak, bitch!"
"Sir, we have a problem!"
"Uh, what problem? We're down here killing these fuckers! I mean, sure, I'd be interested if they fought back. Oooh! Do you think we can hold gladiator matches?"
"I doubt Lady Sera would grant you permission, sir. But-"
"Ugh, buzz kill. Hmm, oh, what abo-"
"SIR!" Lute exclaimed to get his attention.
"WHAT!?" Adam exclaimed back before his eyes narrowed when Lute whispered something in his ear, "Wait, what! Are you fucking kidding me?!"
"I would never joke about something like this, sir," knowing her as long as he did and how devoted she was, Adam believed Lute without question on this.
It only took Adam and Lute a short amount of time before they arrived at the scene of the crime where, lo and behold, the bodies of multiple exterminators were found sprawled on the ground, their heads severed from their bodies and nowhere to be found, and gaping holes in their chests except for one.
"The fuck!" Adam exclaimed, "How?!"
"We don't know sir!" explained one of the exterminators.
"What the fuck do we know?" he demanded stepping forward and feeling something squishy and white on his boot, "Da hell? What is this? Jizz? Did I step in jizz!" oh these fuckers were gonna get it!
"I'm pretty sure that's just a noodle topping you squished, sir," the exterminator informed their commander.
"Oh, phew! I thought it wa- Wait a minute! Are you telling me they were killed by noodles?!" some of his bad-ass bitches were killed by fucking noodles?!
"Pretty sure they were already on the ground when she fell, sir," Lute deadpanned, pointing at the dumpster that was close by.
"...I knew that! The fuck said otherwise!"
"Lieutenant Lute!"
Putting her fingers to her LED mask, Lute spoke, "Not now. We have a-"
"Seven more bodies were found!"
"WHAT!?"
"WOAH! CHILL BITCH!" Adam's tune changed once more when Lute told him of the other dead angels.
"DA FUCK!" wanting to know what was going on here, Adam switched to the channel Lute was on, "Adam here! What the fucking fuck is going on!?"
"Unknown sir! We heard a noise from the alley and found seven bodies. We have no id-GAAHHHH!"
"Ooww! Indoor voice, bitch! Fuck! My ears are ringing! What's your name!?"
...
"Hello?"
...
"Answer me when I'm talking to you! Hello?"
...
"Is this thing fuckin busted? Hello! I think it's busted," Adam told Lute.
"Aww, wittle baby's ears hurt. Poor baby."
"Woah! Uhhhh, who the hell is this?"
"Someone taking care of trash like you and your possie, dattebayo."
"The fuck? Do you have any idea who I am? Do you know what I can-"
Beep! Beep! Beep! was all Adam heard from the other line.
"Did... did they just hang up on me? ME!? No one hangs up on Adam Dickmaster! Where was that squad located?"
"Sector 7, sir!"
"..."
"...Near the Heaven Embassy, sir," Lute elaborated.
"Call everyone and tell 'em to regroup on that location!" Adam said nothing more before he took off towards the area, the exterminators led by Lute following closely behind him. It didn't take long for Adam and his group to arrive, the spot was easy to find given the alley was littered with corpses of demons and angels alike, mostly angels.
"What the serious fuck is going on!" a frustrated and very pissed Adam shouted. A quick headcount by Lute revealed that more than a dozen angels were dead.
Actually, now that she looked around Lute realized something, "Their heads are missing."
"Uh, no shi-OW! The fu-" Adam's comment was cut short as he and his exterminators were pelted by severed heads of his army from above the alley, "Who's doing that!?"
"hehehehehehe heheheheheheHEHEHAHAHA HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA HAHAHA!"
"...Okay, props on the scary laugh! But now you die!" a swing of his materialized axe sent a wave of holy energy at the building the laugh came from, destroying it in the process. The exterminators and their leader flew up above the rubble and looked around but found no body.
"Hey, sugar tits one, two, and three," aside from Lute and his former favorite, Adam rarely bothered learning the names of his exterminators, "get down there and start searching!" the three angels did so without question.
"Good," Lute acknowledged the message she received, "Sir, the remaining exterminators will be here any second."
"'Bout damn time," Adam muttered, when not even a minute passed, Adam demanded, "What's keeping you three!"
"It's a lot of rubble, sir!"
"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch," all Adam heard were excuses, "Ugh, so slow. Hey, the rest of you get down there and help their lazy asses."
"Sir! Incoming!"
"Huh? Oh, finally, bout time they showed up!" Adam exclaimed, seeing the remaining exterminators make their way toward their location, "Remind me to have 'em do toilet duty for being so slow."
"Copy that!" Lute saluted.
Sizz.
"...Did anyone else hear that?" Adam asked.
"Sounded like a snake, sir," an exterminator answered.
"Ew, snakes. Gross little fuckers. Cool as fuck, but gross, Imma right?"
Lute shrugged, not having an opinion.
"Oh, fuck you."
Sizz!
"Uh, is it me, or is that getting louder?" Adam asked.
KABOOM!
Adam and the rest of his group shield themselves as best they could, the ground beneath them blowing up and showering them with shrapnel that dug into them. Almost every exterminator on the ground were killed or heavily injured by the explosion. Adam, however, managed to protect himself and Lute with a barrier of holy energy that shielded them from the blast.
When the dust cleared, Adam was pissed beyond recognition as he spotted the broken and battered bodies of his bitches, and the corpses of many more. It became the least of his worries as the sound of thunder reached his ears, and both he and Lute turned around just in time to see the skies of hell becoming engulfed in a sea of unholy crimson.
The wave-rippled and deadly arcs of red lightning electrocuted, paralyzed, or otherwise vaporized the angels Adam called for. Many of those who were lucky to survive didn't live very long as they fell to the ground. Sturdy as they were, Angels weren't as invincible as they believed they were, and falling hundreds of feet to the ground in a heavily injured state proved that theory. Some did survive but most were heavily injured or dead upon crash landing.
"WHAT. THE. HOLY. FUCK!" Adam watched as more than half his army was wiped out by whatever that was.
"Sir! Look!"
Adam did so and narrowed his eyes as he spotted a floating figure in the sky. He didn't ask. He didn't think. He just acted and flew at the floating person in question, his army following behind, "Alright, you little fucking asshole! I'm gonna rip your nuts out yo-"
Adam was silenced by a simple but powerful backhand that had him crashing into the Heaven Embassy, and out the other side. A crater formed when he finally came to a stop.
"...Owww~" well, that hurt like hell.
"KILL HIM!" Lute ordered, enraged by what just transpired.
Countless angels flew at the individual cloaked in blood red, their spears raised to skewer him, only for the exterminators to be skewered instead as numerous chains emerged from his body. Each chain pierced the body of one angel before seeking out the nearest one and repeating the process over and over again, leaving numerous exterminators in agony or dead. Much like they did once before.
"HOLY SHIT! Are you seeing this!" Vox exclaimed, hard as fuck at the moment, and despite their expense, he was very glad that his drones were durable to withstand the backlash that shook the city and could zoom in with such clarity.
"Seeing, still working on believing," Velvette acknowledged, posting on the social network as fast as she could. This was easily the platinum-grade content of the year! Hells! Of the century!
"I can already see a market for this kind of thing," Valentino knew countless demons had a fetish for violence, even if this wasn't sexual in nature the fact that angels were involved and getting their comeuppance and literally getting drilled by chains was more than enough to get many demons' rocks off, "Do we know who he is?"
"Nothing's come up so far," Velvette informed the moth-like Overlord, "Could be a demon from one of the other rings?"
"Makes me wonder how Lucifer will react if that's the case," Vox could only imagine. While demons who weren't sinners could travel to the other rings, an unspoken rule had since developed in Hell where demons stayed in their own ring unless under certain circumstances.
"Hmm... Eh, not my problem," Lucifer shrugged as he watched the fight from his castle balcony before proceeding back inside to his back-flipping fire-breathing duck prototype. There was nothing in the agreement that said that sinners weren't allowed to fight back. If Adam and his exterminators weren't up to snuff that wasn't his hurdle to solve. Though knowing Heaven as he did they might bitch and moan at him to do something. Not that he'd listen.
"They don't wanna listen to me, then why should I?"
"Ooh, and there goes another white-winged asshole! I haven't seen someone that dumb since I interviewed the princess," Lucifer heard from the television. His eyes narrowed a bit at the comment. Perhaps he should pay Killjoy a little visit, both for the comment and for that stunt she pulled on his daughter.
"Oh, Charlie," much as Lucifer loved his daughter, her naivete was her undoing. A trait she, unfortunately, got from him. But Charlie was an adult, and he couldn't coddle her, much as he'd love to keep her protected, even from herself, she had to learn firsthand how foolish her plan to...uh...what was her plan again?
"Try to make rice? No, that's stupid, Charlie doesn't cook," it was an actual rule he passed when he first tried her cooking. Lucifer swore he saw his father after a single bite.
"What was she doing again?" Lucifer tried remembering the details but came up with nothing. Damn depression… Oh, well! Probably wasn't important. Back to the rubber duckies!
"Hold on! Something's coming from the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, wait it's-"
"It's not fucking funny, Tom!" Killjoy told her co-star, bludgeoning him with a coffee mug, and rendering him inert, "But he's right folks! Something has indeed come out from the Heavenly Gate!"
"Ugh, what now," Lucifer put away the prototype and froze when he saw what, or more specifically, who came out of the portal that divided Heaven and Hell, "OH, SHIT!" Lucifer's eyes popped out of his head, becoming glued to the screen.
Watching as the being suddenly unfurled its twelve wings to reveal a very tall being with short blond hair with a side-shave haircut, wearing an open red hoodie that revealed a blue tank top that was easily too small and near busting that it showed off its abs, a pair of green shorts, a baseball cap that said Number One, and sandals on its feet. Of all the inhabitants to descend from heaven it just had to be the King of Hell's biggest pain in the ass, the biggest meathead, and the Right Hand of God himself.
Saint Michael the Archangel, as humans knew them.
In actuality, it was Archangel Michelle.
Aka Lucifer's big sister.
"FUCK!"
"Ugh, well that's a fashion faux pas. Is this bitch color-blind or wat? Hashtag don't," Velvette began to post on her social network.
"DELETE THAT!" Vox and Valentino jumped on their fellow Vee in a panic, the woman screaming as they tried to take the phone away from her before she sent her post.
And ended up killing them in the process.
"Hmm, 'tis quite unfortunate that such an occurrence hath befallen us this day of all days. Forsooth, to see archangel Michelle gracing Hell with her presence is a very rare event, wouldn't thou agree?" Zestial commented to his friend.
"Estupido, he's going to get himself and us killed!" Carmilla Carmine couldn't believe this, but having killed two exterminators herself, it wasn't like she was one to talk. She didn't know the Right Hand of God personally but she knew from Zestial that she was their strongest fighter and made the exterminators look like pushovers.
Which meant she'd likely have to console her daughter's broken heart...again.
"Perhaps. Or t'would be Saint Michelle is being looked for a challenge," Zestial revealed.
"A challenge?"
"Lord Lucifer was quoth to be no match for his eldest sibling whilst in Heaven. And Lady Michelle quoth to only fight those she deemeth worthy, thus why she hath never partook in the Extermination."
"And you believe Naruto to be worthy of such?" sure he was powerful, but this was different.
"We shall soon see," was all Zestial told the arms dealer.
"Well now, there's something you don't see every day," Alastor commented, "Never thought I'd see an archangel."
"Ooh, he looks like a bad b...oh, she has tits," Niff's lusty grin fell. She didn't do taco as she heard Angel put it.
"Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!shit!shit!shit!shit!"
"Charlie! You need to ca-"
"Calm down! Oh, were you about to tell me to calm down? Because, if you were, don't tell me to calm down!" Charlie's hysterical mood had her briefly shift into her demon form before she quickly reverted and began pulling on her hair with worry.
"Uh, wat's with her?"
"ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW!?" Husk couldn't believe this idiot.
"Hey, I keep my life simple: sex, drugs, porn shoots, and cash upfront. I don't do politics. So, what's up with Miss Tall, Stacked, and Unfashionable that's got everyone up in a tizzy?" Angel Dust asked.
"That's Archangel Michelle. You think the exterminators are bad? Well, she's supposedly a whole lot worse," Vaggie revealed. Not revealing how she knew it.
"So, she's a pretty big deal, huh?" Angel took a swig of his alcohol.
"She's the Right Hand of God and Heaven's Greatest Warrior. Lucifer's never once won against her, ever. She's also Charlie's aunt," Angel coughed, spat, and gagged on his drink.
"Seriously! Da fuck is someone like that doing here?"
"Have you not been watching!"
"Oh, my, but our effeminate friend does raise a point. Why would someone as illustrious as Heaven's right-hand woman grace Hell's bottom-of-the-barrel wretches with her holier-than-thou presence simply because a demon started killing exterminators?" Alastor pondered.
"Pretty sure it's because she helped Adam train the first generation of exterminators," Vaggie explained.
"Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. Whiskers! Pour me a triple and keep 'em coming tell I tell ya to stop," Angel ordered.
"Make yer own damn drink! I need this," Husk took the strongest stuff they had and began drinking straight from the bottle. Ignoring and dodging Angel's attempts to swipe the bottle.
Alastor was curious, even if he didn't show it. How exactly did Vagatha know something as significant as this that not even he knew of? Curious indeed. Something to ponder on for a later date.
"Shit!"
Crash!
Lute couldn't remember the last time she felt such pain coursing through her body. She could barely move, and after that last blow, she was certain her legs were broken in who knew how many places. She wouldn't doubt that the bones in her legs were nothing but powder at this point.
And she had given her all when fighting this unknown demon. Adam was still given his all and their foe didn't even have so much as a single scratch on him. More than two-thirds of the exterminators were gone, and it would take them years to replenish their ranks with qualified and like-minded individuals once more.
"Bitch! Hold still!" Adam shouted, his LED mask broken to reveal his bruised face, a blackened eye, and a busted lip.
His foe barely moved whenever Adam swung his axe, as though he anticipated where he was going to swing next. No. Not anticipate. It was as though he knew exactly where it was going to be and where to dodge. And as Adam raised his axe for an overhead strike, the demon didn't move and allowed the axe the hit him dead on. Lute grinned, thinking he finally got sloppy, but it quickly fell.
"Not impressed," she heard him say, and watched as he shattered the holy weapon before he landed a kick on Adam's abdomen, the harsh blow had him coughing up blood, broke who knew how many bones, ruptured his organs, and sent him rocketing sky high. Into the waiting chest of someone that made Lute's eyes bulge.
"Ow! The fuck! Whatever! Bitch, I'm gonna-"
"Stand down, Adam," Adam materialized another axe and swung it at the unexpected voice, the weapon blocked by a single digit, denting the blade.
"The fuck are...Oh, shit!" Adam dropped the axe when he looked up and realized who stopped him and what he just did, "Michelle, hey~ Long time no see bi-"
"In the name of my Father, shut the hell up," Michelle ordered.
The remaining piece of Adam's LED mask formed a closed zipper where the mouth was.
"So, care to explain what's kept my former pupil and his ragtag team from their mission?"
...
"...Oh, for fuck sakes, you can speak," Michelle allowed and hoped she didn't regret it.
"Yeah, so, it's like this-"
"Sennen Goroshi (One Thousand Years of Death)!"
"YEEEEEEAAAAAAOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!" Adam had tears in his eyes, mask, and his hands on his violated ass as the First Man soared through the air like a rocket, unable to answer the archangel. Adam enjoyed many forms of sex, but things touching his asshole was not one of them!
All of Hell either laughed or had their jaws drop at how ridiculously effective the absurd move was.
"SIR!" Lute soared after him, ignoring just how agonizing the act was.
"...Hmm, interesting move," Michelle commented before she brought out her sword. It was of simple design, a cross between a Roman gladius and an English longsword if longswords were more than six feet in length. Which, at almost eleven feet in height, in Michelle's hands was more or less a shortsword.
"Enjoyable as that was, and trust me the little prick had it coming, for your transgressions against the Heavenly Host, I hereby sentence you to die. Any last words?"
"Bunshin Daibakuha (Clone Great Explosion)!"
Michelle didn't understand any of those words, not that it would have done her any good anyway, and crashed hard into the ground when her foe finished his sentence. It was a dick move, but it worked nonetheless. And it pissed her off, too.
This was her favorite shirt!
"So, you wanna play it that way, huh? Fine by me!" Michelle flared her power. Hurricane winds suddenly swept across the Pride Ring, demons were sent flying and the lesser ones were driven to madness by the frightening power of it all, the power could be felt all the way to the fourth-most ring.
Swinging her sword in an arc, Michelle unleashed a wave of concentrated holy energy that went on to incinerate everything in its path. Nothing was safe from it. Except for its target who merely stood his ground and flared his own power. And what a flare it was. More of a supernova was a better description.
All throughout the Seven Rings was the energy felt, each of the rings began shaking, the intensity lessening by the fifth ring but still easily felt on the bottom-most ring. Countless buckled and fell to their knees, as though gravity increased exponentially; countless more couldn't breathe, as though very the air refused to enter their lungs; and the vast majority lost consciousness or went mad.
Michelle wasn't faring any better, her energy wave dispersed by the flare, the archangel's legs threatened to buckle and her arms shook as her gaze landed upon the demon cloaked in a gold and otherworldly aura the likes of which the Right Hand had never felt before.
And it excited her to no end.
"I've faced countless beings in my time. Fought hordes of dark eldritch beings from the Void and Beyond that would shatter one's mind just by looking upon them. And nothing compares to him," Michelle simply couldn't understand how this was possible. She was the Right Hand of God, one of the most powerful beings in creation, second only to only a few, and this unknown demon matched, no, exceeded her.
Finally, after millennia of boredom and unworthy challenges she met someone who-wait what was he doing with that red sph-
"Oh, shit," Michelle could tell this was gonna hurt.
"Daimao Rasengan (Great Demon King Spiraling Sphere)!"
Pain. Pain was something Michelle hadn't felt in a very, very long time. But right now, she was getting a refresher course, and it rocked. The dark red sphere struck her in the gut, her tank top was ripped to pieces to reveal the bra she wore underneath, and her insides churned uncomfortably as she was launched high into the sky as the ball of enormously compressed energy made its fury known upon her. Michelle crashed into Adam and Lute, taking them along for the ride and all three didn't stop even as they passed the Heavenly Gate and crashed into several buildings, and then the ball exploded.
Michelle was in love.
But then she realized something important.
"Where's my sword?"
The exterminators that remained in Hell looked back and forth between the being that sent their leaders back to whence they came and the Heavenly Gate itself. It was a no-brainer. They got the fuck out of Hell as fast as their wings allowed them. Fortunately, the demonic entity didn't give chase and they lived to see another day.
As he made to leave, Naruto saw a sword sticking into the ground. The Sword of Michael, Michelle actually, as it was called. Grabbing it, Naruto swung the blade that was almost larger than him with one arm, liking the feel of it.
"Nice sword," he commented, putting the weapon on his back, and walking off, hungry as heck, "Now, who bought all my ramen?"
.
..
...
" . FUCK!" Angel Dust broke the silence and summed up what every individual in the hotel - what everyone in Hell that witnessed this, really - was thinking.
"I'm way too fucking sober for this shit," said Husk knew he witnessed history in the making but damn this was too much to take in.
"Tha-ah-wha-eh...Huh?!" Charlie couldn't wrap her head around what she just witnessed.
"You said it," Vaggie agreed with her girlfriend.
"Aww, that's it? Boo!" Niffty was hoping for more.
Alastor for his part remained silent as the grave. No colorful commentary. Merely a smile and his brain going a hundred miles an hour. This blond-haired nine-tailed individual, whoever he was, was a definite game changer. And an immensely powerful one at that. He knew the overlords would summon one another for a meeting to discuss this.
...
...
"... Now can I post this?" Velvette asked her fellow Vees.
...
...
"Hello?"
...
...
"Vox?"
...
"Valentino?"
...
"Fuck it. I'm posting this," forget about it being the post of the century, this shit was the post of the fucking millennium.
Neither Valentino nor Vox were in the right state to stop her. But who cares?! Velvette began making plans on how to meet with the powerful demon. The Vees were already feared despite being the youngest of the overlords, but this guy was clearly stronger than any of them. This was Sin-level power, if not more.
That kind of power would easily cement their standing as the strongest of the Pride Ring.
"Hmm, this bodes ill tidings to come, does it not?" Zestial wasn't asking but informing his close friend.
Carmella Carmine could only nod. This changed things immensely. Heaven wouldn't take this lying down.
On the plus side, her daughters were safe, countless angel weapons were up for grabs, and even though Heaven would very likely demand retribution, she highly doubted it would be any time soon.
Those heavenly pricks would be licking their wounds for quite some time.
And even then, if they were smart, they'd be extra cautious.
It wasn't just anyone who could fight an archangel, let alone win. Even the Sins would be hard-pressed.
But this man, this unknown variable did. And he did it like it was nothing.
Carmine made a mental note to find out as much as she could about him.
Besides, it was always good to meet a powerful demon that wasn't full of themselves, or ready to stab you in the back.
Carmilla Carmine couldn't explain it but her brief meeting with him gave her an inkling this man was neither.
And that was someone Carmilla would love to have by her side.
Lucifer's jaw had yet to leave the ground, his mind still trying to wrap itself around what he just bore witness to.
Michelle had always been the jock of the seven of them, essentially the first jock in history, though not in a stereotypical kind of way one would find today.
Either Michelle had let herself go since Lucifer was banished to Hell, or more frighteningly, this individual was a hell of a lot stronger.
Lucifer hoped it was the former than the latter, and hoped this day couldn't get any worse. Sure, the exterminators got their asses handed to 'em on a well-deserved platter, but this would only cause him more of a headache than before.
Ring!
Ring!
Ring!
Lucifer ignored the phone call and let it go to voicemail. He wished he didn't.
"Luci! Big Bro! It's Gabe! Look I know you're there. We need to talk. Now!"
"Shit!" first Michelle, now Gabriel.
"Hold on, I'm getting another call," Gabriel told him.
"Oh, thank god," it was one of the few times he praised his father.
"Oh, Luci~Michelle's on the other line and she wants to talk to you~" Gabriel sang.
Lucifer's day just got worse.
"FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!"
"Okay, everyone! So, what just happened aside, we still need to get this place up...and none of you are listening," Charlie realized.
"Sorry, toots, but do ya honestly believe we can focus when shit like this happens?!" Angel Dust asked.
"Hate to agree with him," and Husk did, but said nothing else as he drank his cheap booze, the hard stuff having long since dried up.
"Guys, come on~" Charlie whined.
"Charlie, sweetie, I get that you want this hotel up and running but, I mean, is there really any point now?"
"What do you mean?"
"I believe Vagatha is referring to the fact that our mysterious crimson avenger gave Heaven's lapdogs and their greatest fighter such a thorough thrashing that it's very doubtful they will be making themselves known any time soon, my dear Charlotte," Alastor elaborated.
"Yeah, what he said," Vaggie said after a pause. She didn't like the interruption but that was pretty much the gist of it.
"Guys, you don't know that. I mean, don't get me wrong, super grateful for what he did, violent though it was, but we still have an overpopulation problem. And, extermination or no extermination, I'm hoping we can still rehabilitate sinners to get them into Heaven," Charlie told them.
"What makes you think those fucks give a damn about going to Heaven anyway?" Husk asked the group, "If you ask me, the way I see it, even if by some goddamn miracle a sinner gets into Heaven, what makes you so sure those pricks will accept them? Hell, after everything those exterminators did, what makes you think any demon would want to go to Heaven?"
"Very astute, Husker. Crude, but astute nonetheless," Alastor completed the winged cat demon with a pat on the head.
"Whatever," groused the gambler, batting the hand away.
"Husk, we're-"
Knock. Knock.
"Oh, see! Someone is here to join us~" Charlie sang going to the door and opening it, "Hi! Welcome to the Ha-AHHHHHH!"
Slam!
"What?" Vaggie asked.
"Vaggieheshere!"
"You get any o' dat?" Angel asked Husk.
"I understand drunk, not whatever the hell that was," Husk retorted.
"Charlie, honey, take a deep breath," Charlie did just that, "Okay, maybe not that much but-"
"He's here!" Charlie declared once more.
"He? Who's he? Wait, your dad?" shit! She was way too underdressed for this.
"The King! Ooh, the ultimate bad boy! You think he'll like my roach show? He'd better hehehehe!" Niffy grinned viciously, the knife she held being taken away by Angel.
"Oh, Lord Lucifer himself? Well, my dear don't be rude. It's quite impolite to keep one's parent waiting, especially the King of Hell himself," Alastor moved to reopen the doors.
"Wait, Alastor! That's not-"
"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, Your Majesty!" Alastor bowed, eyes closed and head down.
"Uh, yeah, pretty sure you got me confused with someone else."
Alastor said nothing but raised his head and opened his eyes. Though his facial expression remained the same, his monocle fell to the ground and cracked once it landed. The rest of the inhabitants of the Hazbin Hotel weren't as lackluster in their reaction.
"HOLY SHIT!" Vaggie exclaimed.
"OH, FUCK!" Husk spat his booze.
"Ooh. Wait, who's he?" Niffty asked.
"DON'T KILL ME! KILL HIM! HE'S GOT NINE LIVES!" Angel declared, using Husk as a shield.
"YOU SONOVA-"
Naruto blinked, "Uh, hi? Do you guys serve ramen here?" for the love of everything please say yes.
Gulping Charlie hesitantly approached the Angelslayer as the media was calling him, "Hi, I'm Charlie. EheHehehe...Excuse me a moment!" quick as a flash she was back with the group of misfits.
"You need to get him outta here!" Angel told her.
"Do you have any brains left in that skulled fucked head of yours! This guy beat the living shit out of an archangel like she was a pansy-ass bitch. Even Lucifer couldn't beat her! What makes you think his daughter stands a fucking chance? No offense," the last bit was said so Husk wouldn't be offered up as a sacrifice.
"Husk is right. Whenever they fought, Dad was never able to beat aunty Michelle," Charlie told them.
"Aunt or not. Don't yous tink it's a bit weird he'd come here soon after beating the living snot outta him?"
"Pillow-biter's got a point," Husk agreed.
"You know I can hear you, right?"
"AHH!" the group separated, before they, Vaggie included, pushed Charlie towards the woman. Charlie noted that the man was slightly taller than her but still shorter than Alastor by an inch or two.
"So~Mr...Um...I'm sorry I didn't catch your name?"
"Uzumaki Naruto," the blond introduced.
"Ain't that Japanese?" Husk asked the group. This guy didn't look Japanese.
"Don't look at me. I only know English and Sex Talk," Angel also knew Italian but didn't use it that often anymore.
"Of course, you do."
"It is," or at least the language of his continent was similar to what these people called Japanese.
"But you're…uh… how do I put this…" Husk tried to think of a finding a proper way of explaining without pissing off the powerful demon.
"Your eyes aren't squinty, and your teeth-" Angel was tackled to the ground by Husk and Vaggie, his mouth covered before the pornstar with no filter got them all killed.
Luckily for them, Naruto was merely confused, "Nanda?"
"Ignore him," Charlie hoped he did, "So, what can I do for you?"
"Well, first off, like I asked, do you have any ramen?" given it was a hotel he believed it worth a shot. It was either that or he went to the other rings.
"… Yeah? EEP!" Charlie nodded and found herself in his tight embrace.
"THANK YOU!" Naruto hugged the life out of the Princess of Hell. Oh, he was strong. And Charlie thought her dad was the strongest hugger she knew.
"Oh, wow, you're strong and muscular," Charlie wheezed, feeling the muscles on her.
"Oops, sorry! Just really, really happy! I woke up here three weeks ago and haven't found any ramen since," Naruto revealed.
A pin drop could be heard all to way to Heaven from that reveal.
"I'm sorry. What was that?" Vaggie couldn't believe her ears.
"I believe-" Alastor was cut off.
"I KNOW WHAT HE SAID!" Vaggie exclaimed, "I just find it hard to believe that this guy's a sinner."
"What's so hard to believe? I was human. I died. Next thing I know, I wake up here," Naruto still wasn't sure why exactly given all that he did while he was alive.
"She's right," Husk agreed, "No sinner has ever shown that kind of power, not even the strongest overlords, or even the Goetia," Husk wasn't sure even the Sins, former angels cursed with the Mark of Sin that fell alongside Lucifer, had that kind of power. Though that was mere speculation on the former overlord's part.
"Oooh! So, you're a bad boy!" Niffty giggled, coming face to face with the powerful demon, "Hi! I'm Niffty! I clean!"
"Uh, hi, Niffty?" Naruto patted the short cyclops, a little worried by the unhinged aura that he sensed from her. Niffty merely giggled from the act.
"Don't worry, we're eighty percent sure she's harmless," Charlie reassured him.
"Damn! Good thing you didn't run into Valentino. With those tails o' yours, you'd be starring in a whole bunch of roles. Probably with me," Angel winked at him.
Naruto deadpanned, "Sorry, lady-"
"Don't let the tit fluff fool ya. Imma guy."
Naruto blinked at the revelation, "Oh, in that case. No," Naruto had nothing against gay people but he was straight. The Oiroke no Jutsu was just for pranks and infiltration ... and the odd roleplay he and Hinata did to spice things up once in a while. But that was personal damn it!
Angel Dust merely shrugged and grinned, "Your loss."
"Says you," were Naruto's thoughts.
"Can we get back to the fucking fact this guy, a sinner of all things, has this much power?" Husk demanded.
"Husker is quite right," Alastor agreed, "It does beg the question: how?"
"In truth...I'm awesome," was all a grinning Naruto told them.
"Not sure that qualifies as an answer," Charlie pointed out.
"Yeah, well, that's all I'm saying for now. So, about that ramen? I can pay. Oh, and I need a room."
Naruto dropped a huge stack of cash, cash he had taken from other demons that tried to jump him in weeks past, a mistake on their part, and hoped the group said yes.
"Um...Sure?" Charlie hesitantly answered, the cash more than enough and sorely needed given their limited budget, "Instant noddle fine?"
Charlie just made herself a very powerful friend.
Please be aware that I have created a Patron page which I am doing because unfortunately, times are tough and I need to make ends meet and help a family member who recently lost their job and has not been able to find anything in the last four months. My original stories, former stories, one shots and story ideas are all there as well.
I will be posting on Ao3, too, same author's name, but it may be slow as their set up's a bit clunky. Currently my Patron page has the Stay of Execution 1 to 9 (with another coming in a week or two), Three chapters of Sailor Moon (newest chapter is up), and 13 Harry Potter and the Power of the Gamer (12 to 13 are new), Nidaime has six chapters there presently ranging from 8k to 11k words, Naruto Gamer 1 to 23 (three latest chapters are there), my original stories (non-Fanfiction which is a dark isekai)
I will be posting a minimum 3-5 chapters a month there (some story chapters may take longer due to their length). For some reason, since doing that, I've been able to dish out chapters more quickly and I'm more motivated then I've ever been in years. Don't know if it's because of payment or because Fanfiction has been disappointing me for a very long time now and Archive is a jumbled mess that doesn't really allow me to see my stats but I've already completed 9 chapters already.
Also, I have art there for my stories to provide a better idea of gear, people, and places for greater visual.
This is a work of Fan fiction. All of the original characters, organizations, techniques, and events portrayed in this fictional literature are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictionally. Though the majority of the events and most characters take place in and are a part of Hazbin Hotel.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Hazbin Hotel or Helluva Boss or any other manga or stories. I do have ownership of the techniques, the originality of this plot, the story I created and some others things in this story. But the elements from manga artist, etc I do not own.
Jutsu, Japanese translation: Iaijutsu: Itto no Hissatsu (Iai Technique: Certain Death in a Single Stroke)
Normal speech: I hate paperwork. I bet Sarutobi retired just to escape this.
Demon/Summon or Fusion speech: Finally, I am free!
Human Thinking: Oh, no you're not!
Demon/Summon: Shit! I don't wanna go back! Old man save me!
Summary: It was meant to be just another nothing out of the ordinary Extermination Day. A day where countless sinners met their end. Unfortunately for Adam and his cronies, a very pissed and recently deceased ninja didn't get the memo, and he doesn't take well to meaningless slaughter either.
"Greetings everyone! And welcome to 666 News! I'm Katie Killjoy!"
"And I'm-"
"No one gives a shit Tim!" a smiling Katie interrupted.
"It's Tom-"
"Who the fuck cares!" The gas-mask-wearing demon didn't get far as his co-star punched him out of the camera's view.
"It's that day again folks: Extermination Day! And I don't need to remind you what that means! If I do, you're a fucking idiot that should just let yourself get killed! Already have the Exterminators made their way from Heaven and descended upon those poor useless saps too helpless to save themselves! But don't worry! Only 23 hours and 47 minutes to go! So, do try and make it entertaining while the rest of us who are safely away watch and bet on who will last the longest! Have a nice death!"
Click!
"Geez, what a cunt."
"Angel!"
"What?! You gonna tell me that bitch ain't?"
"That's not the point!" Vaggie, girlfriend of the Princess of Hell, Charlie Morningstar, couldn't dispute that Killjoy was, as Angel so delicately put it, a cunt. That said, "Charlie and I don't want you using that word. We're trying to redeem you, remember?"
"Ughh! Yous twos suck the fun and joy outta everything ya know? Angel don't swear. Angel don't make sexual innuendos! Angel, stop harassing Husk. Angel, no orgies in your room. Angel don't leave your sex toys lying around. Oh, that reminds me, I put them in the washing machine. So, you're welcome."
"Ugh, Angel that's not the-Wait, washing machine?…We don't have a washing machine," they used to but the damn thing busted and they lacked the funds to replace it.
"You don't? Then what the hell did I-"
Boom!
"GAAAAHHHH!" a winged cat-like demon screamed as he was forced into the air by the sudden explosion, his airborne born form almost reaching the second floor before he fell back onto the hotel lobby ground. When he got up, he was angry, red-faced, and covered in unknown wet substances, that Vaggie didn't want to know about, "Which one of you fucks filled the dishwasher with used-up sex toys and coke!"
"AH, DAMN IT! I knew I was forgetting something," Angel wondered where his last batch had gone, "Note to self: Don't hide crack in used up dil-"
"Stop! For the love of-" the former exterminator didn't know how much longer she could take Angel's bullshit. She honestly didn't know how Charlie did it. Vaggie would have killed him long ago.
"Vaggie! What happened I heard an explosion! Did the Exterminators come here!"
"No, Charlie," Vaggie sighed cruel as her former sisters-in-arms are, the exterminators weren't stupid. They were only allowed to attack sinners, not hellborn, as a result of Lucifer's deal with Heaven. Attacking the Princess of Hell was a big fucking no unless Heaven wanted an all-out war, and Vaggie knew that those above Adam didn't.
"Then what was it?"
"Angel blew up the dishwasher," Vaggie informed her girlfriend. The comment made Charlie blink in confusion, "What?"
"We have a dishwasher?" Charlie asked, "I thought we had a washing machine?"
Vaggie couldn't believe it, "...Seriously, babe?"
"What! I've never used one before," being a princess she had servants do that for her instead. This was all new to her.
"HA! So, I wasn't the only one who mistook it for one!" Angel Dust chortled.
"Sigue hablando putita de mierda (Keep talking you fucking manwhore)," Vaggie cursed at the pornstar.
"Clean! Clean! Clean up! Oh, messy! Clean up! Ahahahahaha!"
"Niff! Get the hell off me!" Husk barked as the small unhinged clean-freak cyclopean sinner crawled all over him, "Oh, fuck this. I'm taking a shower."
"We're outta hot water," Angel revealed. Husk cursed and looked ready to kill the porn star a thousand times over.
"This hotel fucking sucks," the cat demon muttered. It would take hours before the hot water was available. Fuck you, Alastor.
Speak of the devil, "Now, now! There's no need to insult this charmingly decrepit house of false hope."
"Ugh, Alastor," Vaggie groaned, not wanting to deal with the infamous Radio Demon's shit at the moment, "Weren't you working on the commercial?"
"Oh, yes, my dear Vagatha! I was adding the finishing touches when I heard all this commotion and decided to indulge my curiosity," the sinner smiled.
"Yeah, well, now you know. Anything else?" she hoped not.
Sadly, for her, he did, "Just one. Are you absolutely certain you still want this advertisement on-"
Vagatha growled, her frustration was starting to reach its limit, she didn't know why she had to repeat herself to the infamous overlord, "Yes! People watch TV, Alastor. Barely anyone listens to radio broadcasts anymore! A bigger audience means a bigger chance of getting people to come here!"
Alastor merely continued smiling that creepy smile of his. She'd never admit it out loud but it unnerved her to no end, "Well, if you want my opinion, my dear-"
"Uh, guys?"
"No! I don't want your opinion on this!" Vaggie told the overlord.
"Guys?"
"Vaggie, let me handle this. Alastor … um… It's not that we don't appreciate - and we really do, don't get me wrong - your help. But maybe we could move this al-"
"Hello?"
"Hahaha! Trust me, my dear. I want this little project of yours to take off just as much as you do."
"That's a load of bullsh-"
"Will youse fucks shut the hell up!" Angel finally got their attention.
"WHAT!" Vaggie exclaimed.
"Language~" Alastor sang in reprimand.
"Angel, what did we say about-" Charlie tried to remind but was cut off by Angel once more.
"Someone killed an exterminator!" he said, pointing to his phone.
"...I'm sorry, what?!" Vaggie was the first to ask after a quick look at the post, not believing it.
"Check it out!" turning the television back on, everyone watched as the screen showed an announcement from VoxTek, and though his smile remained, Alastor's facial expression had a subtle shift in it to show his displeasure.
(A few minutes earlier)
Carmilla Carmine ran as quickly as she could, her daughters not far behind her, and cursed her luck. Time had unfortunately gotten away from her during her last outing. Or, more specifically, when she went to investigate the rumours that one of her underlings was skimming off the top and had been doing so for quite some time now.
The rumours had proven to be true, and an example had to be made lest she lose face and her reputation take a hit. It had taken longer than expected, apparently, he didn't work alone, and when the three women began making their way back to the safety of their bunker did the clocktower of the Heaven Embassy signal the sound all sinners dread.
The beginning of Extermination Day.
And so now, here she was being chased by a small group of exterminators. Death in Hell for sinners and hellborn wasn't permanent under normal circumstances, as they'd be able to put themselves back together again. An attributing factor for Hell's overpopulation problem. But getting killed by angelic weapons or any weapon made from angelic steel was the absolute end.
No second chances. No putting yourself back together. You were just dead.
Carmilla was no stranger to death, having experienced it when she was once human and several times during her first century in Hell when she had yet to earn the title of overlord. But those days had long since passed, and even if the Vees, the youngest of the overlords, showed her little to no respect, she was now one of the strongest overlords and the unofficial Head of the Table as it were. When she summoned, they listened, most of the time.
But the past was rearing its ugly head once more, and Carmilla never felt closer to death than she did right now. And like a cornered animal, that made her very, very dangerous. Especially when the lives of the two she treasured the most were on the line.
"Mother!"
A quick glance behind Carmilla showed her youngest daughter Blanca pointed ahead of them to two exorcists that blocked their path. With the other three exorcists behind them Carmilla, Blanca, and Ana were effectively surrounded.
Fortunately, Carmilla had long since noticed many things about the exterminators. They were aggressive in their fighting style, if it could even be called that, and left themselves wide open for counterattacks. The fact that they wore virtually little to no armor also played in her favour.
Seeing a gap in their formation, Carmilla ordered her daughters to flee with a commanding, "Go!"
Neither of her daughters questioned their mother as they fled the scene, one exterminator made the mistake of going after them, exposing her back to the weapons-dealing overlord. So, when one of the angel's comrades went to skewer the sinner and missed, Carmilla made short work of the angel by severing her head with her angel steel-tipped shoe, and the second angel that went for her daughters fell soon after.
The act appeared to catch the remaining exterminators off guard. Carmilla knew that no one in history had ever tried, as far as she was aware, to kill an exterminator. She counted it as many not having the courage to do so when their lives were on the lines and the exterminators' infamous reputation when it came to the Cleanse as some called it.
Which worked in her favor, for none of these exterminators would leave here alive, none of them could for fear of them reporting who did this and the repercussions that would surely follow.
"Kyaa!"
Carmilla's head whipped around fast, not caring if she gave herself whiplash, and her heart was just about ready to burst from her chest when she saw the unthinkable. Ana was pinned down by an exterminator and Blanca wasn't fairing any better. The pale-skinned demoness was on her knees, her arms pinned to her back and her gaze forcibly held on her sister. They were making her watch what was to come.
Neither of her daughters were as strong as her. Blanca was the scientific mind and Ana was stronger than her sister but while both knew how to defend themselves against the average everyday sinner, against angels they were effectively dead in the water.
Carmilla raced to her daughters as fast as she could, ignoring the exterminators closest to her. A mistake on her part as her leg was suddenly pierced by holy steel and sent her sprawling to the ground, her hair coming undone in the process.
Carmilla could only cry out as she watched the exterminator raise her spear, ready to end her eldest child, "NO!"
Squelch!
Carmilla's mind froze as the angel's spear entered her daughter's body, her blood gushing out as the weapon was removed and raised up high once more. A typical exterminator tactic. The first stab was meant to inflict horrendous amounts of pain, making the victim suffer, and the subsequent stabs that would follow would only add to it until the victim finally bled out. For injuries caused by angelic steel could not be healed by ordinary means, or any means anyone in Hell possessed as far as she knew.
And even if they did, her daughter would be long dead by then. Non-fatal ones could heal over a long period of time, but they would leave a permanent mark and flare-ups could occur. Not so with fatal ones.
Fatal was fatal. No ifs, ands, or buts.
And Carmilla's years of experience told her the exterminator looked ready to do just that: a fatal blow.
Squelch!
But that plan never came to be, and everyone watched as a deadly ebony gilded chain burst from the exterminator's chest, her ichor splashing the ground, her fellow angels, and a dying Ana. So focused were they that none of the exterminators could react quickly enough before they fell to the same fate as their sister.
Numerous dark-gilded chains ended the lives of Heaven's exterminators. Most died immediately, others managed to avoid an instant death only to fall seconds later as the chains' deadly tip coiled like a snake and came around to deliver a lethal blow.
And once they were all taken care of, the chains retracted themselves from the bodies of their victims, Carmella watched as they made their way back to an unsuspecting source.
A man.
A very tall man with blond hair.
But Carmilla didn't care about that. Despite the pain, Carmilla removed the spear from her leg and hopped to her daughter, ignoring the agony of each step and the agony that filled her heart so mercilessly as she finally reached her eldest child.
"Ma…má," Ana rasped, her breathing uneven.
"Shh, don't talk, Ana," Carmilla told her daughter.
Ana, however, was very much her child as she stubbornly tried to raise her hand towards her mother, the limb shaking and her dark-toned face becoming paler by the second. Blanca was beside her, not bothering to hide the tears that willingly came pouring down.
"Ma…" Ana couldn't even finish her word and already were eyes starting to glaze over.
"I'm here, miha, I'm here," Carmilla bit her lip to try and force back her tears as she held her dying child. She was failing miserably.
"Stay away!" Carmilla heard Blanca shriek.
Carmilla looked up and glared at the whiskered man, his appearance unlike any other demon she ever laid eyes on. He was too human in appearance. Hell, if it weren't for the fox-like ears on his yellow-banged head, the black marks around his eyes, the slits in his red eyes, and the large red tail, he'd be a dead ringer for one. He wasn't the tallest demon she'd ever encountered, but he was clearly taller than Carmilla even with her shoes.
Carmilla watched and then held her daughter closer to her as the man's hand became enveloped in golden flames. It was clear to the overlord that he was dangerous, having killed six exterminators was a testament to that, which wasn't an easy feat even with the proper means and insight knowledge.
And this unknown individual did so without either.
But Carmilla wouldn't go down without a fight. But a quick raise of his hands in a non-threatening manner confused her.
"I'm here to help," he told her, his hand alight once more and going towards Ana.
Carmilla wasn't a fool and wasn't one to trust easily and grabbed the outstretched flamed-covered limb. Her senses exploded; her mouth agape as she felt her entire being surge with energy the likes of which she never felt before in either of her lives. It felt warm, welcoming, and calming. It also took away the pain her leg... Wait, what?!
A quick glance at her leg showed the wound was now gone, healed over, and without leaving even a scar. And that momentary distraction was all the blond needed to place his hand on Ana. Carmilla would have cursed were it not for the fact that her daughter's vicious wound began to knit itself back together, her face's pallor returning once more to its original state, her breathing once uneven had been restored to a steady rhythm, and the glaze in her eyes was gone.
"Mamá?"
Carmilla was never one to show soft emotions so openly to strangers, even to her own daughters except in private. But the fact that her daughter who mere seconds ago was a Death's door was healed and well, even with years of self-control and discipline, Carmilla couldn't stop herself from shedding happy tears.
As the stranger rose, Carmilla said something she rarely said to anyone.
"Thank you," it was a whisper, but the blond demon heard her nonetheless if the smile she spotted was any indication.
"Need help getting outta here?" she heard him ask.
A proud woman, Carmilla would usually deny such assistance. However, given the current circumstances, she opted not to take any chances and took whatever opportunity she could get. The man bent down and proceeded to carry Ana bridal style, earning a blush from her daughter, and watched in fascination as his large tail unfurled and divided into nine other ones that proceeded to wrap themselves around Blanca and Carmilla.
"This is Captain Uzumaki speaking, please keep your arms and legs beside you at all times. Beep, Boop!"
Carmilla and her daughters were starting to rethink their opinion of th-holy shit they were up in the air and moving at breakneck speeds.
"So, where to ladies?" their savior asked.
"Well, first off, can we have your name?" Ana yelled.
"Name's Naruto. Nice to meet ya," he grinned, and Ana giggled.
"Oh, lovely, another crush," much as Carmilla loved her eldest, she unfortunately had the tendency to fall for someone rather quickly. Well, at least this one was one of her better choices. The others ended up tasting her steel-tipped shoes.
"Carmilla."
"Ana."
"Blanc-hurk-a," her youngest looked rather green.
"No vomiting!" Naruto begged. It was a bitch cleaning his tails ever since he got them, and vomit was one of the worst things to clean up, "Where to?"
Ana giggled, "You actually passed it."
SCREECH!
Naruto pumped the brakes, the sudden movement nearly setting Blanca off and flew back towards the building her sister pointed at. Once they landed, Blanca couldn't hold it any longer and emptied the contents of her stomach. Fortunately, despite still being held by Naruto's tail, the digested matter didn't stick to his prehensile appendage.
"Thank you for using Uzumaki Airlines, we know you have your choice of airlines, and you picked the wrong one. No refunds!" he teased Blanca.
"Just put me down!"
"You got it!" Naruto grinned, doing as she ordered.
Oof!
"Wise ass," Blanca muttered, rubbing her tender posterior.
Naruto simply continued to grin as he gently put down Ana and her mother, "Well, ladies it's been fun."
"Come here!" Ana grabbed him and planted a kiss on his cheek, and then gave him a card, "Call me."
Naruto blinked. As far as tips went that was a pretty damn good one. He was a bit torn though. For one, he had no idea how old this girl was, Naruto himself had been almost a hundred and seventy when he passed, despite not looking it, and he was fairly certain this girl was much younger. But with wisdom came age. Naruto knew better than to ask how old she was and wisely put the card away for now. Then again, who knows? The girl could be older than him.
Naruto learned four things when he woke up here.
First, one stopped aging. Second, dying by ordinary means here wasn't permanent, not that he'd like to test that. Third, he was a heck of a lot taller than before, apparently one's former height whilst alive changed alongside their looks. Not that Naruto was complaining. Though he had been an inch shy of six feet before, he did always wonder what it would be like to be even taller. At almost seven feet that wish was granted. And lastly, one automatically learned the dominant language of Hell, which explained why he could speak, read, and understand a language that wasn't his own. But that only applied to English apparently. The last one was the most convenient.
"Here," he watched as Carmilla gave him her own card, "You helped me, and I repay those who do well by me. If you need help call and I will see it done."
"Uh, thanks?" Naruto didn't know what to make of it, but wouldn't refuse help, "Know where I can find a good ramen stand?"
"...Que?"
"Ra-men," Naruto accentuated, "You know, the food of the gods?"
Carmilla merely looked to her daughters, Ana shrugged, but Blanca had the answer, "Noodles. High in sodium."
"YES!"
"Pentagram City doesn't have anything like that at the moment. All we have are instant cups and they were all bought by someone."
"NO!"
This place really was Hell.
Boom!
"I don't know about you, but I'm going inside. Zestial! Open up!"
"You're welcome to join us. More than welcome," Ana flirted.
"Ana-"
"Sorry, kid, but I gotta take care of some assholes. Some other time. Ja!"
"...You don't think he meant why I think he meant, right?" Ana asked, watching him fly off into the distance.
"What do you think. Uncle Zestial," Blanca greeted as the door opened.
"Blanca. Ana. Prithy, dearest Carmilla. Whom was that?" Zestial asked from the doorway.
Carmilla merely looked at her oldest friend and smiled; Zestial blinked thinking his eyes were playing tricks on him. But the smile remained.
Interesting, mused the ancient overlord.
(Present)
"Pew! You're dead! Pew! Ooh, double kill! Pew!"
"Ahh! My balls!"
"Ooh, noice!" Adam cackled, deciding to let the sinner suffer instead of killing it.
"Sir!"
"Woah!" Adam scowled as his shot missed its target, "The fuck! You ruined my streak, bitch!"
"Sir, we have a problem!"
"Uh, what problem? We're down here killing these fuckers! I mean, sure, I'd be interested if they fought back. Oooh! Do you think we can hold gladiator matches?"
"I doubt Lady Sera would grant you permission, sir. But-"
"Ugh, buzz kill. Hmm, oh, what abo-"
"SIR!" Lute exclaimed to get his attention.
"WHAT!?" Adam exclaimed back before his eyes narrowed when Lute whispered something in his ear, "Wait, what! Are you fucking kidding me?!"
"I would never joke about something like this, sir," knowing her as long as he did and how devoted she was, Adam believed Lute without question on this.
It only took Adam and Lute a short amount of time before they arrived at the scene of the crime where, lo and behold, the bodies of multiple exterminators were found sprawled on the ground, their heads severed from their bodies and nowhere to be found, and gaping holes in their chests except for one.
"The fuck!" Adam exclaimed, "How?!"
"We don't know sir!" explained one of the exterminators.
"What the fuck do we know?" he demanded stepping forward and feeling something squishy and white on his boot, "Da hell? What is this? Jizz? Did I step in jizz!" oh these fuckers were gonna get it!
"I'm pretty sure that's just a noodle topping you squished, sir," the exterminator informed their commander.
"Oh, phew! I thought it wa- Wait a minute! Are you telling me they were killed by noodles?!" some of his bad-ass bitches were killed by fucking noodles?!
"Pretty sure they were already on the ground when she fell, sir," Lute deadpanned, pointing at the dumpster that was close by.
"...I knew that! The fuck said otherwise!"
"Lieutenant Lute!"
Putting her fingers to her LED mask, Lute spoke, "Not now. We have a-"
"Seven more bodies were found!"
"WHAT!?"
"WOAH! CHILL BITCH!" Adam's tune changed once more when Lute told him of the other dead angels.
"DA FUCK!" wanting to know what was going on here, Adam switched to the channel Lute was on, "Adam here! What the fucking fuck is going on!?"
"Unknown sir! We heard a noise from the alley and found seven bodies. We have no id-GAAHHHH!"
"Ooww! Indoor voice, bitch! Fuck! My ears are ringing! What's your name!?"
...
"Hello?"
...
"Answer me when I'm talking to you! Hello?"
...
"Is this thing fuckin busted? Hello! I think it's busted," Adam told Lute.
"Aww, wittle baby's ears hurt. Poor baby."
"Woah! Uhhhh, who the hell is this?"
"Someone taking care of trash like you and your possie, dattebayo."
"The fuck? Do you have any idea who I am? Do you know what I can-"
Beep! Beep! Beep! was all Adam heard from the other line.
"Did... did they just hang up on me? ME!? No one hangs up on Adam Dickmaster! Where was that squad located?"
"Sector 7, sir!"
"..."
"...Near the Heaven Embassy, sir," Lute elaborated.
"Call everyone and tell 'em to regroup on that location!" Adam said nothing more before he took off towards the area, the exterminators led by Lute following closely behind him. It didn't take long for Adam and his group to arrive, the spot was easy to find given the alley was littered with corpses of demons and angels alike, mostly angels.
"What the serious fuck is going on!" a frustrated and very pissed Adam shouted. A quick headcount by Lute revealed that more than a dozen angels were dead.
Actually, now that she looked around Lute realized something, "Their heads are missing."
"Uh, no shi-OW! The fu-" Adam's comment was cut short as he and his exterminators were pelted by severed heads of his army from above the alley, "Who's doing that!?"
"hehehehehehe heheheheheheHEHEHAHAHA HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA HAHAHA!"
"...Okay, props on the scary laugh! But now you die!" a swing of his materialized axe sent a wave of holy energy at the building the laugh came from, destroying it in the process. The exterminators and their leader flew up above the rubble and looked around but found no body.
"Hey, sugar tits one, two, and three," aside from Lute and his former favorite, Adam rarely bothered learning the names of his exterminators, "get down there and start searching!" the three angels did so without question.
"Good," Lute acknowledged the message she received, "Sir, the remaining exterminators will be here any second."
"'Bout damn time," Adam muttered, when not even a minute passed, Adam demanded, "What's keeping you three!"
"It's a lot of rubble, sir!"
"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch," all Adam heard were excuses, "Ugh, so slow. Hey, the rest of you get down there and help their lazy asses."
"Sir! Incoming!"
"Huh? Oh, finally, bout time they showed up!" Adam exclaimed, seeing the remaining exterminators make their way toward their location, "Remind me to have 'em do toilet duty for being so slow."
"Copy that!" Lute saluted.
Sizz.
"...Did anyone else hear that?" Adam asked.
"Sounded like a snake, sir," an exterminator answered.
"Ew, snakes. Gross little fuckers. Cool as fuck, but gross, Imma right?"
Lute shrugged, not having an opinion.
"Oh, fuck you."
Sizz!
"Uh, is it me, or is that getting louder?" Adam asked.
KABOOM!
Adam and the rest of his group shield themselves as best they could, the ground beneath them blowing up and showering them with shrapnel that dug into them. Almost every exterminator on the ground were killed or heavily injured by the explosion. Adam, however, managed to protect himself and Lute with a barrier of holy energy that shielded them from the blast.
When the dust cleared, Adam was pissed beyond recognition as he spotted the broken and battered bodies of his bitches, and the corpses of many more. It became the least of his worries as the sound of thunder reached his ears, and both he and Lute turned around just in time to see the skies of hell becoming engulfed in a sea of unholy crimson.
The wave-rippled and deadly arcs of red lightning electrocuted, paralyzed, or otherwise vaporized the angels Adam called for. Many of those who were lucky to survive didn't live very long as they fell to the ground. Sturdy as they were, Angels weren't as invincible as they believed they were, and falling hundreds of feet to the ground in a heavily injured state proved that theory. Some did survive but most were heavily injured or dead upon crash landing.
"WHAT. THE. HOLY. FUCK!" Adam watched as more than half his army was wiped out by whatever that was.
"Sir! Look!"
Adam did so and narrowed his eyes as he spotted a floating figure in the sky. He didn't ask. He didn't think. He just acted and flew at the floating person in question, his army following behind, "Alright, you little fucking asshole! I'm gonna rip your nuts out yo-"
Adam was silenced by a simple but powerful backhand that had him crashing into the Heaven Embassy, and out the other side. A crater formed when he finally came to a stop.
"...Owww~" well, that hurt like hell.
"KILL HIM!" Lute ordered, enraged by what just transpired.
Countless angels flew at the individual cloaked in blood red, their spears raised to skewer him, only for the exterminators to be skewered instead as numerous chains emerged from his body. Each chain pierced the body of one angel before seeking out the nearest one and repeating the process over and over again, leaving numerous exterminators in agony or dead. Much like they did once before.
"HOLY SHIT! Are you seeing this!" Vox exclaimed, hard as fuck at the moment, and despite their expense, he was very glad that his drones were durable to withstand the backlash that shook the city and could zoom in with such clarity.
"Seeing, still working on believing," Velvette acknowledged, posting on the social network as fast as she could. This was easily the platinum-grade content of the year! Hells! Of the century!
"I can already see a market for this kind of thing," Valentino knew countless demons had a fetish for violence, even if this wasn't sexual in nature the fact that angels were involved and getting their comeuppance and literally getting drilled by chains was more than enough to get many demons' rocks off, "Do we know who he is?"
"Nothing's come up so far," Velvette informed the moth-like Overlord, "Could be a demon from one of the other rings?"
"Makes me wonder how Lucifer will react if that's the case," Vox could only imagine. While demons who weren't sinners could travel to the other rings, an unspoken rule had since developed in Hell where demons stayed in their own ring unless under certain circumstances.
"Hmm... Eh, not my problem," Lucifer shrugged as he watched the fight from his castle balcony before proceeding back inside to his back-flipping fire-breathing duck prototype. There was nothing in the agreement that said that sinners weren't allowed to fight back. If Adam and his exterminators weren't up to snuff that wasn't his hurdle to solve. Though knowing Heaven as he did they might bitch and moan at him to do something. Not that he'd listen.
"They don't wanna listen to me, then why should I?"
"Ooh, and there goes another white-winged asshole! I haven't seen someone that dumb since I interviewed the princess," Lucifer heard from the television. His eyes narrowed a bit at the comment. Perhaps he should pay Killjoy a little visit, both for the comment and for that stunt she pulled on his daughter.
"Oh, Charlie," much as Lucifer loved his daughter, her naivete was her undoing. A trait she, unfortunately, got from him. But Charlie was an adult, and he couldn't coddle her, much as he'd love to keep her protected, even from herself, she had to learn firsthand how foolish her plan to...uh...what was her plan again?
"Try to make rice? No, that's stupid, Charlie doesn't cook," it was an actual rule he passed when he first tried her cooking. Lucifer swore he saw his father after a single bite.
"What was she doing again?" Lucifer tried remembering the details but came up with nothing. Damn depression… Oh, well! Probably wasn't important. Back to the rubber duckies!
"Hold on! Something's coming from the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, wait it's-"
"It's not fucking funny, Tom!" Killjoy told her co-star, bludgeoning him with a coffee mug, and rendering him inert, "But he's right folks! Something has indeed come out from the Heavenly Gate!"
"Ugh, what now," Lucifer put away the prototype and froze when he saw what, or more specifically, who came out of the portal that divided Heaven and Hell, "OH, SHIT!" Lucifer's eyes popped out of his head, becoming glued to the screen.
Watching as the being suddenly unfurled its twelve wings to reveal a very tall being with short blond hair with a side-shave haircut, wearing an open red hoodie that revealed a blue tank top that was easily too small and near busting that it showed off its abs, a pair of green shorts, a baseball cap that said Number One, and sandals on its feet. Of all the inhabitants to descend from heaven it just had to be the King of Hell's biggest pain in the ass, the biggest meathead, and the Right Hand of God himself.
Saint Michael the Archangel, as humans knew them.
In actuality, it was Archangel Michelle.
Aka Lucifer's big sister.
"FUCK!"
"Ugh, well that's a fashion faux pas. Is this bitch color-blind or wat? Hashtag don't," Velvette began to post on her social network.
"DELETE THAT!" Vox and Valentino jumped on their fellow Vee in a panic, the woman screaming as they tried to take the phone away from her before she sent her post.
And ended up killing them in the process.
"Hmm, 'tis quite unfortunate that such an occurrence hath befallen us this day of all days. Forsooth, to see archangel Michelle gracing Hell with her presence is a very rare event, wouldn't thou agree?" Zestial commented to his friend.
"Estupido, he's going to get himself and us killed!" Carmilla Carmine couldn't believe this, but having killed two exterminators herself, it wasn't like she was one to talk. She didn't know the Right Hand of God personally but she knew from Zestial that she was their strongest fighter and made the exterminators look like pushovers.
Which meant she'd likely have to console her daughter's broken heart...again.
"Perhaps. Or t'would be Saint Michelle is being looked for a challenge," Zestial revealed.
"A challenge?"
"Lord Lucifer was quoth to be no match for his eldest sibling whilst in Heaven. And Lady Michelle quoth to only fight those she deemeth worthy, thus why she hath never partook in the Extermination."
"And you believe Naruto to be worthy of such?" sure he was powerful, but this was different.
"We shall soon see," was all Zestial told the arms dealer.
"Well now, there's something you don't see every day," Alastor commented, "Never thought I'd see an archangel."
"Ooh, he looks like a bad b...oh, she has tits," Niff's lusty grin fell. She didn't do taco as she heard Angel put it.
"Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!shit!shit!shit!shit!"
"Charlie! You need to ca-"
"Calm down! Oh, were you about to tell me to calm down? Because, if you were, don't tell me to calm down!" Charlie's hysterical mood had her briefly shift into her demon form before she quickly reverted and began pulling on her hair with worry.
"Uh, wat's with her?"
"ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW!?" Husk couldn't believe this idiot.
"Hey, I keep my life simple: sex, drugs, porn shoots, and cash upfront. I don't do politics. So, what's up with Miss Tall, Stacked, and Unfashionable that's got everyone up in a tizzy?" Angel Dust asked.
"That's Archangel Michelle. You think the exterminators are bad? Well, she's supposedly a whole lot worse," Vaggie revealed. Not revealing how she knew it.
"So, she's a pretty big deal, huh?" Angel took a swig of his alcohol.
"She's the Right Hand of God and Heaven's Greatest Warrior. Lucifer's never once won against her, ever. She's also Charlie's aunt," Angel coughed, spat, and gagged on his drink.
"Seriously! Da fuck is someone like that doing here?"
"Have you not been watching!"
"Oh, my, but our effeminate friend does raise a point. Why would someone as illustrious as Heaven's right-hand woman grace Hell's bottom-of-the-barrel wretches with her holier-than-thou presence simply because a demon started killing exterminators?" Alastor pondered.
"Pretty sure it's because she helped Adam train the first generation of exterminators," Vaggie explained.
"Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. Whiskers! Pour me a triple and keep 'em coming tell I tell ya to stop," Angel ordered.
"Make yer own damn drink! I need this," Husk took the strongest stuff they had and began drinking straight from the bottle. Ignoring and dodging Angel's attempts to swipe the bottle.
Alastor was curious, even if he didn't show it. How exactly did Vagatha know something as significant as this that not even he knew of? Curious indeed. Something to ponder on for a later date.
"Shit!"
Crash!
Lute couldn't remember the last time she felt such pain coursing through her body. She could barely move, and after that last blow, she was certain her legs were broken in who knew how many places. She wouldn't doubt that the bones in her legs were nothing but powder at this point.
And she had given her all when fighting this unknown demon. Adam was still given his all and their foe didn't even have so much as a single scratch on him. More than two-thirds of the exterminators were gone, and it would take them years to replenish their ranks with qualified and like-minded individuals once more.
"Bitch! Hold still!" Adam shouted, his LED mask broken to reveal his bruised face, a blackened eye, and a busted lip.
His foe barely moved whenever Adam swung his axe, as though he anticipated where he was going to swing next. No. Not anticipate. It was as though he knew exactly where it was going to be and where to dodge. And as Adam raised his axe for an overhead strike, the demon didn't move and allowed the axe the hit him dead on. Lute grinned, thinking he finally got sloppy, but it quickly fell.
"Not impressed," she heard him say, and watched as he shattered the holy weapon before he landed a kick on Adam's abdomen, the harsh blow had him coughing up blood, broke who knew how many bones, ruptured his organs, and sent him rocketing sky high. Into the waiting chest of someone that made Lute's eyes bulge.
"Ow! The fuck! Whatever! Bitch, I'm gonna-"
"Stand down, Adam," Adam materialized another axe and swung it at the unexpected voice, the weapon blocked by a single digit, denting the blade.
"The fuck are...Oh, shit!" Adam dropped the axe when he looked up and realized who stopped him and what he just did, "Michelle, hey~ Long time no see bi-"
"In the name of my Father, shut the hell up," Michelle ordered.
The remaining piece of Adam's LED mask formed a closed zipper where the mouth was.
"So, care to explain what's kept my former pupil and his ragtag team from their mission?"
...
"...Oh, for fuck sakes, you can speak," Michelle allowed and hoped she didn't regret it.
"Yeah, so, it's like this-"
"Sennen Goroshi (One Thousand Years of Death)!"
"YEEEEEEAAAAAAOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!" Adam had tears in his eyes, mask, and his hands on his violated ass as the First Man soared through the air like a rocket, unable to answer the archangel. Adam enjoyed many forms of sex, but things touching his asshole was not one of them!
All of Hell either laughed or had their jaws drop at how ridiculously effective the absurd move was.
"SIR!" Lute soared after him, ignoring just how agonizing the act was.
"...Hmm, interesting move," Michelle commented before she brought out her sword. It was of simple design, a cross between a Roman gladius and an English longsword if longswords were more than six feet in length. Which, at almost eleven feet in height, in Michelle's hands was more or less a shortsword.
"Enjoyable as that was, and trust me the little prick had it coming, for your transgressions against the Heavenly Host, I hereby sentence you to die. Any last words?"
"Bunshin Daibakuha (Clone Great Explosion)!"
Michelle didn't understand any of those words, not that it would have done her any good anyway, and crashed hard into the ground when her foe finished his sentence. It was a dick move, but it worked nonetheless. And it pissed her off, too.
This was her favorite shirt!
"So, you wanna play it that way, huh? Fine by me!" Michelle flared her power. Hurricane winds suddenly swept across the Pride Ring, demons were sent flying and the lesser ones were driven to madness by the frightening power of it all, the power could be felt all the way to the fourth-most ring.
Swinging her sword in an arc, Michelle unleashed a wave of concentrated holy energy that went on to incinerate everything in its path. Nothing was safe from it. Except for its target who merely stood his ground and flared his own power. And what a flare it was. More of a supernova was a better description.
All throughout the Seven Rings was the energy felt, each of the rings began shaking, the intensity lessening by the fifth ring but still easily felt on the bottom-most ring. Countless buckled and fell to their knees, as though gravity increased exponentially; countless more couldn't breathe, as though very the air refused to enter their lungs; and the vast majority lost consciousness or went mad.
Michelle wasn't faring any better, her energy wave dispersed by the flare, the archangel's legs threatened to buckle and her arms shook as her gaze landed upon the demon cloaked in a gold and otherworldly aura the likes of which the Right Hand had never felt before.
And it excited her to no end.
"I've faced countless beings in my time. Fought hordes of dark eldritch beings from the Void and Beyond that would shatter one's mind just by looking upon them. And nothing compares to him," Michelle simply couldn't understand how this was possible. She was the Right Hand of God, one of the most powerful beings in creation, second only to only a few, and this unknown demon matched, no, exceeded her.
Finally, after millennia of boredom and unworthy challenges she met someone who-wait what was he doing with that red sph-
"Oh, shit," Michelle could tell this was gonna hurt.
"Daimao Rasengan (Great Demon King Spiraling Sphere)!"
Pain. Pain was something Michelle hadn't felt in a very, very long time. But right now, she was getting a refresher course, and it rocked. The dark red sphere struck her in the gut, her tank top was ripped to pieces to reveal the bra she wore underneath, and her insides churned uncomfortably as she was launched high into the sky as the ball of enormously compressed energy made its fury known upon her. Michelle crashed into Adam and Lute, taking them along for the ride and all three didn't stop even as they passed the Heavenly Gate and crashed into several buildings, and then the ball exploded.
Michelle was in love.
But then she realized something important.
"Where's my sword?"
The exterminators that remained in Hell looked back and forth between the being that sent their leaders back to whence they came and the Heavenly Gate itself. It was a no-brainer. They got the fuck out of Hell as fast as their wings allowed them. Fortunately, the demonic entity didn't give chase and they lived to see another day.
As he made to leave, Naruto saw a sword sticking into the ground. The Sword of Michael, Michelle actually, as it was called. Grabbing it, Naruto swung the blade that was almost larger than him with one arm, liking the feel of it.
"Nice sword," he commented, putting the weapon on his back, and walking off, hungry as heck, "Now, who bought all my ramen?"
.
..
...
" . FUCK!" Angel Dust broke the silence and summed up what every individual in the hotel - what everyone in Hell that witnessed this, really - was thinking.
"I'm way too fucking sober for this shit," said Husk knew he witnessed history in the making but damn this was too much to take in.
"Tha-ah-wha-eh...Huh?!" Charlie couldn't wrap her head around what she just witnessed.
"You said it," Vaggie agreed with her girlfriend.
"Aww, that's it? Boo!" Niffty was hoping for more.
Alastor for his part remained silent as the grave. No colorful commentary. Merely a smile and his brain going a hundred miles an hour. This blond-haired nine-tailed individual, whoever he was, was a definite game changer. And an immensely powerful one at that. He knew the overlords would summon one another for a meeting to discuss this.
...
...
"... Now can I post this?" Velvette asked her fellow Vees.
...
...
"Hello?"
...
...
"Vox?"
...
"Valentino?"
...
"Fuck it. I'm posting this," forget about it being the post of the century, this shit was the post of the fucking millennium.
Neither Valentino nor Vox were in the right state to stop her. But who cares?! Velvette began making plans on how to meet with the powerful demon. The Vees were already feared despite being the youngest of the overlords, but this guy was clearly stronger than any of them. This was Sin-level power, if not more.
That kind of power would easily cement their standing as the strongest of the Pride Ring.
"Hmm, this bodes ill tidings to come, does it not?" Zestial wasn't asking but informing his close friend.
Carmella Carmine could only nod. This changed things immensely. Heaven wouldn't take this lying down.
On the plus side, her daughters were safe, countless angel weapons were up for grabs, and even though Heaven would very likely demand retribution, she highly doubted it would be any time soon.
Those heavenly pricks would be licking their wounds for quite some time.
And even then, if they were smart, they'd be extra cautious.
It wasn't just anyone who could fight an archangel, let alone win. Even the Sins would be hard-pressed.
But this man, this unknown variable did. And he did it like it was nothing.
Carmine made a mental note to find out as much as she could about him.
Besides, it was always good to meet a powerful demon that wasn't full of themselves, or ready to stab you in the back.
Carmilla Carmine couldn't explain it but her brief meeting with him gave her an inkling this man was neither.
And that was someone Carmilla would love to have by her side.
Lucifer's jaw had yet to leave the ground, his mind still trying to wrap itself around what he just bore witness to.
Michelle had always been the jock of the seven of them, essentially the first jock in history, though not in a stereotypical kind of way one would find today.
Either Michelle had let herself go since Lucifer was banished to Hell, or more frighteningly, this individual was a hell of a lot stronger.
Lucifer hoped it was the former than the latter, and hoped this day couldn't get any worse. Sure, the exterminators got their asses handed to 'em on a well-deserved platter, but this would only cause him more of a headache than before.
Ring!
Ring!
Ring!
Lucifer ignored the phone call and let it go to voicemail. He wished he didn't.
"Luci! Big Bro! It's Gabe! Look I know you're there. We need to talk. Now!"
"Shit!" first Michelle, now Gabriel.
"Hold on, I'm getting another call," Gabriel told him.
"Oh, thank god," it was one of the few times he praised his father.
"Oh, Luci~Michelle's on the other line and she wants to talk to you~" Gabriel sang.
Lucifer's day just got worse.
"FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!"
"Okay, everyone! So, what just happened aside, we still need to get this place up...and none of you are listening," Charlie realized.
"Sorry, toots, but do ya honestly believe we can focus when shit like this happens?!" Angel Dust asked.
"Hate to agree with him," and Husk did, but said nothing else as he drank his cheap booze, the hard stuff having long since dried up.
"Guys, come on~" Charlie whined.
"Charlie, sweetie, I get that you want this hotel up and running but, I mean, is there really any point now?"
"What do you mean?"
"I believe Vagatha is referring to the fact that our mysterious crimson avenger gave Heaven's lapdogs and their greatest fighter such a thorough thrashing that it's very doubtful they will be making themselves known any time soon, my dear Charlotte," Alastor elaborated.
"Yeah, what he said," Vaggie said after a pause. She didn't like the interruption but that was pretty much the gist of it.
"Guys, you don't know that. I mean, don't get me wrong, super grateful for what he did, violent though it was, but we still have an overpopulation problem. And, extermination or no extermination, I'm hoping we can still rehabilitate sinners to get them into Heaven," Charlie told them.
"What makes you think those fucks give a damn about going to Heaven anyway?" Husk asked the group, "If you ask me, the way I see it, even if by some goddamn miracle a sinner gets into Heaven, what makes you so sure those pricks will accept them? Hell, after everything those exterminators did, what makes you think any demon would want to go to Heaven?"
"Very astute, Husker. Crude, but astute nonetheless," Alastor completed the winged cat demon with a pat on the head.
"Whatever," groused the gambler, batting the hand away.
"Husk, we're-"
Knock. Knock.
"Oh, see! Someone is here to join us~" Charlie sang going to the door and opening it, "Hi! Welcome to the Ha-AHHHHHH!"
Slam!
"What?" Vaggie asked.
"Vaggieheshere!"
"You get any o' dat?" Angel asked Husk.
"I understand drunk, not whatever the hell that was," Husk retorted.
"Charlie, honey, take a deep breath," Charlie did just that, "Okay, maybe not that much but-"
"He's here!" Charlie declared once more.
"He? Who's he? Wait, your dad?" shit! She was way too underdressed for this.
"The King! Ooh, the ultimate bad boy! You think he'll like my roach show? He'd better hehehehe!" Niffy grinned viciously, the knife she held being taken away by Angel.
"Oh, Lord Lucifer himself? Well, my dear don't be rude. It's quite impolite to keep one's parent waiting, especially the King of Hell himself," Alastor moved to reopen the doors.
"Wait, Alastor! That's not-"
"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, Your Majesty!" Alastor bowed, eyes closed and head down.
"Uh, yeah, pretty sure you got me confused with someone else."
Alastor said nothing but raised his head and opened his eyes. Though his facial expression remained the same, his monocle fell to the ground and cracked once it landed. The rest of the inhabitants of the Hazbin Hotel weren't as lackluster in their reaction.
"HOLY SHIT!" Vaggie exclaimed.
"OH, FUCK!" Husk spat his booze.
"Ooh. Wait, who's he?" Niffty asked.
"DON'T KILL ME! KILL HIM! HE'S GOT NINE LIVES!" Angel declared, using Husk as a shield.
"YOU SONOVA-"
Naruto blinked, "Uh, hi? Do you guys serve ramen here?" for the love of everything please say yes.
Gulping Charlie hesitantly approached the Angelslayer as the media was calling him, "Hi, I'm Charlie. EheHehehe...Excuse me a moment!" quick as a flash she was back with the group of misfits.
"You need to get him outta here!" Angel told her.
"Do you have any brains left in that skulled fucked head of yours! This guy beat the living shit out of an archangel like she was a pansy-ass bitch. Even Lucifer couldn't beat her! What makes you think his daughter stands a fucking chance? No offense," the last bit was said so Husk wouldn't be offered up as a sacrifice.
"Husk is right. Whenever they fought, Dad was never able to beat aunty Michelle," Charlie told them.
"Aunt or not. Don't yous tink it's a bit weird he'd come here soon after beating the living snot outta him?"
"Pillow-biter's got a point," Husk agreed.
"You know I can hear you, right?"
"AHH!" the group separated, before they, Vaggie included, pushed Charlie towards the woman. Charlie noted that the man was slightly taller than her but still shorter than Alastor by an inch or two.
"So~Mr...Um...I'm sorry I didn't catch your name?"
"Uzumaki Naruto," the blond introduced.
"Ain't that Japanese?" Husk asked the group. This guy didn't look Japanese.
"Don't look at me. I only know English and Sex Talk," Angel also knew Italian but didn't use it that often anymore.
"Of course, you do."
"It is," or at least the language of his continent was similar to what these people called Japanese.
"But you're…uh… how do I put this…" Husk tried to think of a finding a proper way of explaining without pissing off the powerful demon.
"Your eyes aren't squinty, and your teeth-" Angel was tackled to the ground by Husk and Vaggie, his mouth covered before the pornstar with no filter got them all killed.
Luckily for them, Naruto was merely confused, "Nanda?"
"Ignore him," Charlie hoped he did, "So, what can I do for you?"
"Well, first off, like I asked, do you have any ramen?" given it was a hotel he believed it worth a shot. It was either that or he went to the other rings.
"… Yeah? EEP!" Charlie nodded and found herself in his tight embrace.
"THANK YOU!" Naruto hugged the life out of the Princess of Hell. Oh, he was strong. And Charlie thought her dad was the strongest hugger she knew.
"Oh, wow, you're strong and muscular," Charlie wheezed, feeling the muscles on her.
"Oops, sorry! Just really, really happy! I woke up here three weeks ago and haven't found any ramen since," Naruto revealed.
A pin drop could be heard all to way to Heaven from that reveal.
"I'm sorry. What was that?" Vaggie couldn't believe her ears.
"I believe-" Alastor was cut off.
"I KNOW WHAT HE SAID!" Vaggie exclaimed, "I just find it hard to believe that this guy's a sinner."
"What's so hard to believe? I was human. I died. Next thing I know, I wake up here," Naruto still wasn't sure why exactly given all that he did while he was alive.
"She's right," Husk agreed, "No sinner has ever shown that kind of power, not even the strongest overlords, or even the Goetia," Husk wasn't sure even the Sins, former angels cursed with the Mark of Sin that fell alongside Lucifer, had that kind of power. Though that was mere speculation on the former overlord's part.
"Oooh! So, you're a bad boy!" Niffty giggled, coming face to face with the powerful demon, "Hi! I'm Niffty! I clean!"
"Uh, hi, Niffty?" Naruto patted the short cyclops, a little worried by the unhinged aura that he sensed from her. Niffty merely giggled from the act.
"Don't worry, we're eighty percent sure she's harmless," Charlie reassured him.
"Damn! Good thing you didn't run into Valentino. With those tails o' yours, you'd be starring in a whole bunch of roles. Probably with me," Angel winked at him.
Naruto deadpanned, "Sorry, lady-"
"Don't let the tit fluff fool ya. Imma guy."
Naruto blinked at the revelation, "Oh, in that case. No," Naruto had nothing against gay people but he was straight. The Oiroke no Jutsu was just for pranks and infiltration ... and the odd roleplay he and Hinata did to spice things up once in a while. But that was personal damn it!
Angel Dust merely shrugged and grinned, "Your loss."
"Says you," were Naruto's thoughts.
"Can we get back to the fucking fact this guy, a sinner of all things, has this much power?" Husk demanded.
"Husker is quite right," Alastor agreed, "It does beg the question: how?"
"In truth...I'm awesome," was all a grinning Naruto told them.
"Not sure that qualifies as an answer," Charlie pointed out.
"Yeah, well, that's all I'm saying for now. So, about that ramen? I can pay. Oh, and I need a room."
Naruto dropped a huge stack of cash, cash he had taken from other demons that tried to jump him in weeks past, a mistake on their part, and hoped the group said yes.
"Um...Sure?" Charlie hesitantly answered, the cash more than enough and sorely needed given their limited budget, "Instant noddle fine?"
Charlie just made herself a very powerful friend.
Please be aware that I have created a Patron page which I am doing because unfortunately, times are tough and I need to make ends meet and help a family member who recently lost their job and has not been able to find anything in the last four months. My original stories, former stories, one shots and story ideas are all there as well.
I will be posting on Ao3, too, same author's name, but it may be slow as their set up's a bit clunky. Currently my Patron page has the Stay of Execution 1 to 9 (with another coming in a week or two), Three chapters of Sailor Moon (newest chapter is up), and 13 Harry Potter and the Power of the Gamer (12 to 13 are new), Nidaime has six chapters there presently ranging from 8k to 11k words, Naruto Gamer 1 to 23 (three latest chapters are there), my original stories (non-Fanfiction which is a dark isekai)
I will be posting a minimum 3-5 chapters a month there (some story chapters may take longer due to their length). For some reason, since doing that, I've been able to dish out chapters more quickly and I'm more motivated then I've ever been in years. Don't know if it's because of payment or because Fanfiction has been disappointing me for a very long time now and Archive is a jumbled mess that doesn't really allow me to see my stats but I've already completed 9 chapters already.
Also, I have art there for my stories to provide a better idea of gear, people, and places for greater visual.
Legend of the Kyuubi
Getting out there.
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Chapter 1: An Unexpected Wild Card
Vaggie had seen many incredulous things in her life, most recent was seeing the exterminators, Adam, Lute, and Archangel Michelle having their asses handed to 'em on a silver platter only a few hours ago. This was another. And honestly, Vaggie was, in a word, disgusted.
It wasn't like Naruto didn't have any manners when it came to eating, oh, they weren't the greatest but she had seen way, way worse - Adam for one, especially when it came to eating ribs - it had more to do with the fact that he ate a lot. And by a lot, she meant he pretty much had a black hole where his stomach should be. Sixty-seven ramen noodles cups had come and gone and Naruto was finishing number sixty-eight. Were he a hellborn demon he'd fit right in as an inhabitant of the Glutony Ring.
"Phew! I'm stuffed," Naruto declared.
"You, uh, ain't worried all that shit's gonna ruin your figure?" Angel didn't want to lose the eye candy.
"Nah! This is nothing. My wife could eat about twenty cups more and she kept her figure," and that was a mystery he'd never been able to solve. Nor a battle he had ever been able to win.
"And what figure was that? Pillsbury Doughboy?"
Naruto blinked, "...I have no idea what that means."
Angel said nothing, it wasn't fun if he had to explain the joke.
"You're married?" color Vaggie surprised.
"Widowed," Naruto revealed, and Vaggie winced. Nice one on her part, "We were together for a little over a century before she passed."
"...Uh...what?" Husk thought he heard wrong.
"You were a hundred years old?" Vaggie skeptically looked him up and down, not believing it given how he looked. When you came to hell, your appearance reflected the age from when you died, most of the time.
"Mom's family had very, very good genes," and it was true as the oldest Uzumaki from what he learned had lived to be a little over two centuries old, and that had been during the Era of Warring States.
In Hinata's case, it had been thanks to a combination of seals and his unique powers that allowed her to retain the youth and vitality of a person well below half her age. But even that had its limits and she had peacefully passed away in her sleep at the age of a hundred and thirty-two, making her the oldest living Hyuga in history. Naruto had mourned her for well over three years before he felt ready to move on, never forgetting her and honoring her on the anniversary of her death and the day they married.
Naruto had never remarried, long-lived though he was he had no way of knowing how much time he had left, and knowing the pain of losing a spouse he had no intention of putting another through that. But he did have the odd fling every now and then, though it was mostly physical and more friends with benefits than truly romantic. And sure enough, he passed a little over thirty years later.
"I call bullshit," said Angel. Sure, he could believe humans had good genes but not that good.
Naruto merely shrugged, not all concerned if they believed him or not.
"So, Angelslayer," Husk began, "What's your story anyway?"
"You mean why I'm in Hell?"
"No, I mean why you're blond," was the sarcastic reply.
"Oh, well, my dad had blond hair-"
"You're fucking with me aren't you?"
"You served, I volleyed," Naruto quipped.
"Smart ass," Husk muttered.
"Ha! He got ya good, Whiskers!" Angel taunted.
"Call me Whiskers one more time and I'll jam this beer bottle down your throat!" Husk threatened.
"Kinky! Come on, keep talking dirty."
"Are they always like this?" Naruto asked, a little weirded out.
"No. It's usually more violent," Niffty laughed, popping up beside him.
"Ah! We're gonna need to get you a bell, missy," Niffty's stealth was pretty damn good.
"How about a brand instead?" Niffty asked with a deranged grin.
Naruto wisely backed the fuck up, unnerved by her behavior. And he thought Orochimaru was a deranged nut.
"So, spill," Husk asked once more.
"Short version. I was an orphan. I was raised to be a ninja. I became one. Fought to defend my home. Fought a bunch of powerful people. Fought a demi-god, and then a god. Fought in wars. Won said wars. Married. Had kids. Became a grandfather, a great-grandfather, and then a great, great-grandfather. I died and then I woke up here. Oh, and I befriended a walking calamity with an attitude problem and a short fuse," Naruto was curious to know what happened to Kurama when he passed.
Technically speaking the two were separated when the seal was torn off but Kurama remained inside him nonetheless and from what Naruto remembered the crouchy old bastard stayed with him 'till the end. Not like the death of a Biju was a permanent thing anyway. But given the circumstances of his reincarnation in Hell, Naruto wondered if part of Kurama also joined him or if it was merely his power and Old Man Sage. It was confusing, to be honest
"...Look if you don't wanna tell us just say so instead of making up bullshit," Husk told him, "Fought a god. Pfft. Good one."
Again, Naruto didn't care if they believed him or not. The old young cocky little shit that he was would have but Naruto had matured since then.
"Aaaaaah! Who switched my coke with itching powder? Oh, God, it burns!"
Well, for the most part.
"Drugs are bad," Naruto told the pornstar.
"I'll fucking kill ya!"
"I'd pay to see that ass-kicking," Husk loved making easy money.
"Fuck you, Whiskers!" Husk pounced on the spider-like demon, a beer bottle in hand to go through with his previous threat.
Just another day at the Hazbin Hotel.
"Oww! Fuck that hurts. Eeek! Watch it will ya!?" Adam complained as the angels around him treated his injuries. He honestly couldn't remember how long it had been since he was this seriously hurt, "Yeow!"
"I didn't touch anything," said the nurse.
"Are you calling Sir Adam a liar?!" Lute asked the angel in question, she was in even worse shape than her leader, "Are you!"
"Will you both shut up," came the command of Michelle, and both lower-class angels wisely closed their mouths. She was the only one of the trio who looked in tip-top shape, except for the bandage around her stomach, and even then that was superficial. An archangel could heal a heck of a lot more quickly than any other class of angel. A perk of being among Heaven's firstborn.
"But Lady Michel-mmmhmmm," Lute moved her mouth but her lips wouldn't open and her words were incomprehensible. Adam was the same.
"That's better," Michelle looked smug but winced at the flare from her wound. Minor though it was it stung like a bitch. A sensation she had not felt since the last time her Father spanked her during the early days. Michelle had wanted to go back into Hell, both to retrieve her sword and to continue fighting but when the remaining exterminators came back the Heavenly Gate was closed, and once closed not even she could open it despite her power. The Heavenly Gate could only be opened by Gabriel's Trumpet and said instrument that heralded Judgement Day, or Extermination Day as it was called, could only be used by one whom Gabriel authorized to use it.
Only Gabriel could overrule its power. And Michelle wasn't the greatest at creating teleports either. She was many things, but a proficient weaver of divine energy relating to things outside of combat - except for some of the more basic spells, and even that was hit and miss - was not. Give her a war, a battle, heck, even a bar brawl and she was good to go. Heck, give her cooking utensils and she could make a feast that was to die for. But ask her to make a portal, well, one would be lucky not to find themselves in a galaxy far, far away. Or the Void.
...Where was she going with this again? Oh, right. The gorgeous hunk that sent her heart and body soaring like Superman on crack.
Luci, the little bitch, refused to talk to her when Gabe reached out to their fallen sibling. Then again, the little shit had a right to be scared of his big badass sister. But it also meant she wasn't able to find out whom she fought, too.
She'd get him back for that later.
"Lady Sera," Michelle heard an angel say, and glanced at the High Seraphim, her little assistant nowhere to be found.
"Dismissed!" Sera ordered the other angels and none objected as they left the room, "What happened?!"
"Mmhmm mhmhhhmhgaahh!"
Sera merely glanced at Michelle, "My Lady, if you wouldn't mind," the High Seraphim, knowing her place in the hierarchy of Heaven, asked instead of commanding. Archangels were second only to God himself, and given dear old Dad had gone on vacation some time ago - give or take a century - it meant she and her remaining siblings were pretty much in charge of Heaven, though it was mostly their sister Urielle who did the pencil pushing.
"You sure about that?" Michelle asked.
"Much as I am not a fan of Adam and Lute's vulgarity, given what happened today, I must hear what they have to say," especially when a portion of Heaven was damaged when that sphere blew up. Thankfully, no one was killed due to the protective cloak Michelle managed to conjure in the nick of time, though some had been injured nonetheless. The explosion had been massive.
Shrugging, Michelle did as requested.
"Oh, sweet fucking air," Adam breathed in, "Sera, look, it's like this-"
"Give me one reason why I should allow this to continue," Sera interrupted. First Man and a favorite of God or not, Adam was still an angel. A powerful one to be certain, but Sera's authority was greater than his own.
"Uh, what?"
"Why. should. I. allow. Extermination. Day. to. go. on!" oh, shit she was pissed, Adam realized.
"Your Highness! It wasn't our fault! It was a filthy demon that did this! A powerful one," Lute explained.
Sera narrowed her eyes but allowed them to elaborate, "Go on."
"See, everything was going smoothly. A dead demon here another dead demon there, as per uge," Sera narrowed her eyes even further and so Adam cut to the chase, "Next thing we know, I find my gals dead on the ground. And then this blond fuck starts pelting us with their heads! I go after him-"
"And then got bitch slapped into the ground," Michelle spoke.
"You saw that?"
"Saw it? I recorded it," Michelle laughed.
"Oh, come on!"
"Focus," Sera ordered.
"This demon is nothing like we've ever seen before. And his power," Lute shook as she began recollecting, "I've never felt something quite like it."
"He was so manly," Michelle gushed like a schoolgirl, her hands on he cheeks, not realizing she said that out loud and ignorant of the bewildered looks directed at her.
"DA FUCK!"
(Hours Later)
"So, what do you think?" Alastor asked when the commercial ended.
"...I'm sorry, what the fuck was that?!" Vaggie exclaimed, pissed at what she just saw.
"What are they talking about?" Naruto asked Husk.
"Princess Daddy Issues is trying to convince sinners to stay here in the hopes of getting 'em into Heaven with rehabilitation. Pretty pointless if ya ask me," Husk informed the blond.
"What's so wrong about that? Sounds noble if you ask me."
"Noble and idiocy are part of the same fucking coin. Either way, it can't be done. No sinner has ever gotten into Heaven. It's a rigged game. Once you're down here, you're stuck here. Better get used to it and make your peace with it cuz you ain't going nowhere unless you die. It's an impossible dream," Husk told him.
Naruto merely smiled, "In my experience, it's only impossible if you give up. Otherwise, even if there's only a small chance of success, it's still possible."
Husk merely rolled his eyes at the sappyness of it all. Now there were two of 'em. Just great.
"By the way, what's with Mr. Creepy Smile?" or as Naruto heard Angel call Alastor at times, the Strawberry Pimp.
"You really are new here aren't ya," that or he was being fucked with, or the blond was an idiot.
"Like I said, I just got here a few weeks ago," again, Naruto had no idea why.
"Just do yourself a favor. Don't piss him off and don't make any deals with him. Trust me you'll regret it," the last thing Husk wanted was someone as powerful as Naruto under Alastor's control. No matter how powerful you were, if someone owned your soul, you were their bitch.
The former overlord knew that all too well.
"That didn't answer my question," Naruto deadpanned.
"Do I look like a fucking stenographer?"
Before Naruto could retort, both he and Husk were distracted by a loud, "What!" that came from Vaggie.
"If'n you're filming a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here?"
"Angel, you're a porn star."
"A famous porn star, I'll have the horniest sinners knocking these walls down to get in."
"We are not filming a porn as a commercial," Naruto was fairly certain the word porno is she meant to say because that sentence didn't make sense.
"Why not? Sex sells don't it? I swear if you film me going at it with Mr. Fancy Talk Creepy Voice here, or better yet the Nine-Tailed Stud, you'd be rolling in participants willing to stay at this tacky hotel," Angel offered.
Alastor laughed derisively, "Ha, ha. Never going to happen."
"And, once again, I'M NOT GAY!" that kiss with Sasuke did not count!
"Hey, I ain't straight but I'll sleep with women if ya pay me enough, and give me a fluffer to get me going," Angel Dust revealed.
"Angel, I appreciate you wanting to use your special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but I, uh, really don't want to exploit you ... in that way."
"Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity. Ho, ho! I got the legs! The gag reflex, the holes, the chest fluff everyone thinks are tits. This guy knows what I'm talking about!" Angel pointed at Naruto. Said blond's eye was starting to twitch and he looked ready to beat the living snot out of the so-called famous porn star.
"Yeah, but-" Feeling her phone vibrate and seeing the caller ID, Charlie excused herself, "Hold that thought! I'll be right back."
"Take your time! I can go all night, baby!"
"Is he still bragging?" on more than one account.
"I dunno, wanna find out first hand, Blondie?" Angel wiggled his eyebrows.
"First and foremost: NOT. GAY!" Naruto declared once again, "Second, my record is thirty-one hours and fifty-two minutes," he could have gone on but there was only so much Hinata could take even with his powers.
"Bullshit!" no way in Hell did Angel believe a word of that.
"I killed an army of exterminators, bitch slapped their leaders into tasting pavement, and kicked an Archangel's ass, and yet somehow this you find hard to believe?"
Angel Dust made to retort but couldn't come up with anything good and merely huffed, a fact Vaggie greatly relished, "Fine. Question though. If yous twos are so powerful why can't you and Mr Freaky Talk just make people stay here? You know. Help this place out?"
"Oh, trust me, I can," was Alastor's devious reply, and before Naruto could reply, Husk cut in.
"Why do you think I'm here? You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he wasn't forcing me?"
"I like being forced!"
"Keep that to yourself, Nif."
"Okay, that's enough crazy I can take for one day! Imma go take a walk," Naruto informed them.
"Wouldn't do that if I was yous," Angel Dust stopped him, "You're hot stuff, and by that, I mean yer sexy as fuck, and the talk of the town."
"Our sailor-mouthed resident does speak the truth. You'll be fortunate enough to make it a single block before finding yourself cajoled by the masses," Alastor added.
"I can take care of myself," Naruto waved off.
"Uh, now that I tink about it, why's this place so empty anyway? I mean, you'd figger every lowlife and player out there would want a piece o' dis guy. So why hasn't any of 'em broken down the doors to see him?"
As far as questions went, Vaggie had to admit, not out loud, that it was actually one of Angel's more insightful ones.
"Oho, my dear boy. When one sees an overlord walking down the street many flee for their lives. And this strapping specimen is clearly more powerful," Alastor explained.
"Yeah, I get dat. But why ain't the other overlords wanting to get on his good side? Fuck, why aren't sinners looking to throw themselves at him?" sinners either worked for an overlord either for protection and access to luxuries or to because said demons owed their souls or both.
"Henge (Transformation)!"
Everyone, and a returned Charlie included, watched as Naruto was covered in smoke before it revealed a crimson, short-haired woman who wore an old-style battle-yukata towered over even Angel. The whisker marks were gone along with the fox ears, though the ears she had were small they were sharp and elf-like. Her bust was damn noticeable, too, though nowhere as big as Tsunade's.
"Does that answer your question?" Naruto revealed, his voice now soft and feminine.
...
...
...
"What?"
"You can change your appearance?"
"Yeah? So?"
"It's a very rare skill to have," Charlie said. Sure, any demon could change from their base form to their full demon form, but only the more powerful demons were able to alter their appearance such as shifting from their base to something else but it was flawed as many characteristics remained and one could put two and two together.
"Kinky as hell though. Can you only do women?" Angel Dust asked, and then blinked as Naruto changed once more into the spider demon's exact likeness, "Da fuck!?"
"What's a madder? Don't I look drop-dead gorgeous?" Angel's like alike sounded like him, acted like him, and looked like him.
"Is it wrong dat I'm so turned on right now?"
"Gross!"
Poof!
"Well, I feel dirty," Naruto now took the form of Alastor, he wasn't gonna turn into Angel any time soon after that comment, the voice was hard to pull off though.
"Kindly revert back. There's only room for one Radio Demon!" Alastor said, the space around him distorting, his teeth remaining shut and his lips unmoving as he spoke.
"Isn't it polite to say 'please' when we ask for something? Good manners and all," said the Alastor look alike, his eyes radiating a power that the original lacked.
Alastor merely continued to smile but acquiesced, "Please, if you don't mind."
"Okay!" with an audible 'Poof!' Naruto was back as once was and massaged his throat, "Gotta ask, how do you do that with your voice? It's hard on the throat."
"Trade secret, my boy," Alastor explained, back to his gentleman-like self.
"Okay! Before we go too far, I have an announcement~" Charlie sang, recovering from the revelations she had just witnessed.
"You realized dis whole ting is stupid and moving on with yer life?" Angel Dust guessed.
"Uh, no."
"You're ordering better booze?" Husk hope to fuck the answer was yes.
"Not with our budget, no."
"Roach puppet shows where they stab each other to death as their motherbugs watch!?" Niffty declared with a demented cackle. Everyone closest to the cyclopean demon backed away from her.
"What the fu-"
"More ramen?"
"NO! My dad called!" Charlie revealed.
"...So?" Angel didn't see how that was a big deal.
"So, the leaders of the angel army want to meet! And he wants me to go in his place! Don't you see? This is my big chance!"
"Are you nuts!? Wait, dumb question. You are nuts. Mr. Crimson Avenger there," Naruto liked the sound of his nickname, "offed a bunch 'o their exorcists and beat the livin' snot outta their bosses. And now they wanna meet? Anyone wit a brain knows this is a trap," and given he came from a mafia background, both as a human and demon, Angel knew a set up when heard one.
"Angel's right, Charlie. The Extermination ended only a few hours ago and that's because Naruto forced them to flee for the first time in history, by himself. No one's ever killed an exorcist before and he did it like it was nothing. Why would they want to meet?" Vaggie loved her girlfriend, but her optimism was getting the best of her common sense.
"Guys, I know how risky this sounds. But I have to try. Besides, dad said Heaven wanted to negotiate a deal," Charlie revealed.
"A deal, my dear?" Alastor asked.
"Yeah, don't know the specifics but dad wants me to find out what it is and get back to him. And, while I'm at it, I can try and convince them to accept my idea!"
"Don't you think it's a little soon to-"
"~I can do this~Somehow I know it~"
Naruto blinked, "Uh, what's going on now? Why she singing?"
"Ugh, it's dis thing she does apparently. Don't ask," Angel laughed as Charlie sang her song.
Naruto was starting to wonder just what the hell he had gotten himself into.
"So, do you always sing and dance?" Naruto asked, disguised as his female crimson-haired form.
"Yeah, pretty much. You should try it," Charlie gushed.
"Not a chance," doing a musical number was not, nor will it ever be Naruto's thing.
"I bet I can convince you otherwise~" Charlie sang.
"Let's stick with you trying to get your hotel project off the ground and see what they want first kiddo," Naruto advised, coming along just in case things went south.
"Oh, right. Well, here goes...Why's there a hole?...Oh, riiiight," Charlie recalled.
Naruto merely shrugged. Not his fault the building wasn't sturdy enough. Or in the way.
As they entered the Heaven Embassy, the gold color shining so bright that it was almost blinding, Charlie's voice echoed as she looked for anyone, finding only a service bell that summoned a floating sign-in sheet to suddenly appear before her upon ringing it.
"Okay, creepy," Charlie signed nonetheless and watched as the flying parchment went towards Naruto.
The blond had no intention of signing and tried walking past it but blocked his path each way he went until he grabbed the damn thing and crumbled it up into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder where it lay still on the ground. At Charlie's questioning look, Naruto simply shrugged and both moved on to a door that suddenly opened and led to what appeared to be a darkened conference room.
"Hello? Is anyone here?"
"'Sup!"
"Holy shit!" Charlie exclaimed.
Naruto's eyes narrowed a bit when the light in the room turned on to reveal Adam, beside him was an exterminator, and behind them was-
"CharChar!"
"Hey~Aunty-URK!" okay, so, strong hugs ran on her father's side of the family it seemed. Good to know! Broken bones and lack of air? Not so good!
"Oh, sweet lord, I haven't seen you in. so. long!" Michelle squeezed her even harder.
"Uh, we've never ...met," Charlie managed to wheeze out. Sure, she had been told about her aunts and uncles, a chore and a half on itself given how estranged her father was with his siblings, but she hadn't had the fortune of meeting them.
"Oh, right, you were probably too young to remember. How old are you now?"
"Almost... two ...hundred," oxygen running out.
"Two-hundred? Huh, she's older than me," Naruto had no idea.
"Really? Ooh, it has been a while. I owe ya a lot of birthday gifts, kid."
"Need...air!" Charlie squeaked and swore she was seeing her grandfather. He wasn't what she pictured him. He was short and had a brown beard that matched his messy hair.
"Whoops! Sorry!" Michelle apologized and released her niece.
GASP! Oh, sweet, beautiful, life-granting oxygen.
"So, where's Luci?" Michelle noticed the lack of her younger brother.
"He's, uh, not coming. He sent me instead," Charlie explained with an awkward smile.
"Pfft," Michelle scoffed, "Typical. The little bitch is still too scared to come see me. Think I'll pay him a visit after this just to remind him who's in charge."
"Won't be necessary!" Lucifer suddenly appeared.
"Woah! Dad?"
"Hey~bitch!" was Lucifer's nervous reply.
Charlie had an annoyed look, "... It's been almost a month and that's all you have to say?"
"Uh...depression?" was Lucifer's excuse, a nervous chuckle escaping him before he spotted a disguised Naruto, "Uh, who's that?"
"Her? Oh, that's, um, uh, she's my...bodyguard? Yes! She's my bodyguard! You know, to... protect me?" Charlie told her father.
"Oh, that was horrible to watch," as great a singer and dancer as she was, Charlie's acting sucked.
"Uh-huh."
"Oh, Luci~" sang a certain Archangel.
Gulp!
"Hey~sis. How you been?"
"Oh, much better now," Michelle smiled a smile that should not belong on an angel. Nor should angels be cracking their knuckles in a threatening manner.
Crack.
Crack.
Crack.
"We've got LOTS to talk about."
"Okay, me showing up may not have been a good idea," but then again, decisions often made through fear rarely were.
"Yo! Can we move this along? I've got other important shit to do!" Adam declared, his eyes narrowing at Lucifer and vice versa.
"Oh, yes, right, so, uh...I'm sorry what's your name?" Charlie asked.
"Call me Dickmaster!" Adam said, his hand forming the sign of the horn.
Pft! Naruto couldn't help himself.
"You think that's funny!"
"Well, anyone calling themselves Dickmaster is obviously compensating for something," Naruto said his piece.
"You dare mock Lord Adam!" Lute exclaimed, her spear pointed at the demon.
"I mock anyone who doesn't have the balls to show up here in person," Naruto revealed.
"Wait, what?" true enough, Charlie watched as her hand went through Adam and Lute and realized it was a hologram.
"Oh, come on!" there went that series of jokes.
"Wait, if you're not here, why's she?" Lucifer pointed to his eldest sibling.
"Can't a big sister come see her bedwetter of a brother and her niece?"
"Bedwetter!" everyone except Lucifer and Michelle exclaimed.
"That was a long time ago and not my fault!" Lucifer snarled. There went his rep.
"He did it till he was twelve," Michelle cackled, the rest of the group joined her.
"You kept dunking my hand in water while I slept!" how he still never figured out.
"It wasn't always water," Michelle revealed.
"You BITCH!" the King of Hell was now going full-on demon.
"To be fair, sometimes it was Gabe who did it."
"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" oh, that little pranking shit was gonna get it somehow!
"Wokay!" Charlie interjected, ignoring Lute, Adam, and Naruto who continued laughing, "If we can all just relax and get to why we came here for?"
"Aww, but I wanna poke more fun at Luci," Michelle had centuries worth of material, too.
"Maybe another time," Charlie placated her aunt.
"Thanks, sweetie," Lucifer deadpanned, "Well if your mom's ex is-"
"Wait, ex? Oh, shit, he's that Adam? ... Oooh, that explains a lot," Charlie felt very awkward.
"You can't blame your mom for leaving him for me. Or his second wife," Lucifer cackled. Now that had been a fun century!
"YOU SONOVA-"
"Focus!" Michelle flared her power, her form shifting slightly and even though they were holograms, both Lute and Adam froze too, and Naruto made a mental note of that.
"Now, can we move on?" Michelle asked, her form going back to normal, she had better things to do. Like finding a certain blond.
Naruto felt his spine shiver.
"Yeah, whatever. So, here's the deal we're proposing. The higher-ups are willing to hold off on the Extermination for a period of five years!"
Charlie liked it so far.
"If you hand over the fuckwad that wiped out my exorcists!" Addam added.
And now she didn't.
"Ha! Not a chance!" Lucifer denied. Sure, he might not be the biggest fan of said demon for the headache that he caused the King of Hell, but all of Hell would revolt if he allowed someone as powerful as that to be handed over to the Heavenly Host.
"It's that or starting today we hold the Purge twice a year instead! And this time, we won't just be going after sinners!" Adam had a nasty look as he said that.
"You can't do that!" Charlie exclaimed.
"Not my problem. You knew the deal. We come down, have our fun for an entire day, and then we leave your little cesspool till next year. The way I see it, you broke the terms of the deal."
"The deal didn't stipulate anything about sinners not being allowed to fight back," Charlie explained.
"...Wait, what?" Adam put his finger in his ear. Sinner?
"Charlie?" sure, Lucifer had suspected the being to be a sinner, a strong one, but when they went toe to toe with Michelle and won he believed it had been a hellborn demon instead, and for good reason. But how did his daughter know it was a sinner?
"Uh...oops," Charlie realized she fucked up.
Fortunately, Adam didn't buy it, "HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man. That's a good one. Seriously, do you think I'm a fucken idiot! No sinner's ever had that kind of power! Sure, I admit there's nothing in the deal that says they can't fight back, but you guys still broke the rules."
"Lord Adam speaks the truth. This was clearly one of your filthy hellborn scum! And the agreement clearly states that any hellborn demon that interferes in the Purge shall be deemed forfeit to the Exterminators," Lute looked smug.
Oh, right, Lucifer did recall that stipulation.
"So, the way I see it, ya got two choices: hand over the asshole and get a five-year vacay, or we start going after everyone twice a year instead," it was clear to all that Adam hoped they went with option two.
"Fine by me," Lucifer shrugged.
"Dad," Sure, Charlie didn't want to give up Naruto, but she also didn't want more deaths to happen from either angels or demons alike.
"Sweety, they're bluffing. They got their asses handed to them, and it'll happen again," Lucifer explained.
Oh, right!
"We've been granted to use the Leviathans," Adam revealed.
"ARE YOU INSANE?! THERE'S A REASON WHY THE OLD FUCK LOCKED THOSE THINGS UP!" Lucifer couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was Heaven nuts?
Charlie wasn't faring any better, recalling the stories her father told her about them when she was young. Boogiemen tales to get her to listen as a child.
"Leviathans?" Naruto inquired.
"Father's very first beasts, and one of his biggest mistakes. At first, they were nothing more than mere creatures but then Lucifer in all his infinite wisdom decided to give free will to humanity and caused evil to be born. An unforeseen side effect was the Leviathans becoming affected by that evil, too. They became ravenous creatures, powerful ones, growing too rampant, too gluttonous, and threatened all that He created on Earth. But the worst part, they somehow developed the innate power to kill an angel and demon, permanently. Father had them locked away and sealed in the Void, and it was ordained that they were only to be released under the most dire of circumstances," Michelle explained. She, too, wasn't pleased but the majority of her siblings voted their approval to use them. Sure, Heaven had long since developed a method to better control them but even then it held risks.
"It's one of the reasons why I was banished to Hell," Lucifer admitted, "Well, that and stealing Adam's unsatisfied wife!"
"Fuck you! You can keep the cunt!"
"NEVER. INSULT. MY. WIFE!" Lucifer snarled at the man. Sure, he and Lili were taking a break but that didn't mean he didn't love her still.
"Whatever. So, pick yer poison," Adam grinned, believing her had the King of Hell by the balls. Ironic.
"Ahem," Michelle gave her former pupil a look.
"Ahhh. Do I?" Adam really didn't want to.
"YES!"
"Ugh, fine! This bites," Adam hated what he going to say next, "We're...also...willing...to..." Adam choked on each word.
"SPILL!"
"Offer a ten-year cease-fire if you hand over the fuckwad to Michelle," Adam finally finished, his mouth feeling very dirty.
"Huh? Why?"
"Ask her," Adam told the Morningstar. Oh, he felt like throwing up.
"No."
The assembled group all looked at Charlie's bodyguard and before anything else could be said, everyone watched as she approached Adam with no fear. Lucifer was starting to have his suspicions about the demoness for hire and gave his daughter a look. One that Charlie avoided awkwardly.
"What's yer beef, bitch?" he did admit she had a rocking bod though. But instead of answering, everyone watched as the demoness made some hand gestures before she had them in front of Adam.
"What is this? Some weird demon game you guys play?" Adam asked, "Ugh, whatever. Ummm...Left!"
SMACK!
Adam was struck with the right hand.
CRASH!
And into the wall.
"THE FUCK BITCH!" ignoring the fact that he was now in Hell.
"hehehehehehe heheheheheheHEHEHAHAHA HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA HAHAHA!"
Adam's eyes were comically wide on his mask. Lute was torn between fighting and fleeing, forgetting that she wasn't in hell. And when a puff of white smoke dispersed Naruto's disguise, Michelle looked ready to jump him.
"If I'm the bitch, why do you have the mark of one?" Naruto grinned.
"I'LL KILL-"
"You'll do NOTHING!" Naruto grabbed Adam's head, bringing the First Man close to him, his whisker marks growing thicker, his fangs feral and his eyes piercing into his soul, "You think you scare me? Oh, no. Worm shit is scarier than you. You? You're just a child throwing a tantrum because he's not getting what he wants. You think you know what scary is? I've faced beings who have turned hundreds of thousands of worlds to DUST to protect those I love. I've faced conquerors, killers, walking calamities, demi-gods, and gods themselves. Do you know what happened? I STRODE ACROSS THEIR BONES AND BASKED IN THE GLORY OF THEIR DEFEAT. I CONQUERED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM AND SENT THEM PACKING LIKE THE LITTLE INSIGNIFICANT BITCHES THAT THEY WERE!"
The supernova that was Naruto's power was once more felt across all of Hell, and even Heaven felt it, and they trembled at the majesty of it all. Adam was positively catatonic and only Lucifer and Michelle could withstand the pressure, and even then the former's knees looked ready to give in. Charlie was only conscious thanks to her father shielding her with his own power, but her head was swimming and her breathing heavy regardless. Michelle was biting her lip, her cheeks flushed, and her blood pumping unlike ever before. And just as quickly did that power go away.
"So, bring yer armies and bring yer dogs. I'll send you bitches packing just like the rest," Naruto's grin was positively evil.
Michelle couldn't take in any longer, "MINE!"
"What? WOAH!" both Lucifer and Naruto answered as one as Michelle jumped on the blond, his back to the ground as the nearly eleven-foot heavenly woman straddled his waist.
"FUCK ME!" Michelle ordered ripping off her top and exposing everything in all their magnificent glory.
"OH, GOD MY EYES!"
"LET GO OF MY PANTS!"
"PANTS OFF NOW!" Michelle ordered.
"GET OFF MY SISTER!"
"YOU BLIND?! SHE'S ON ME!"
RIP! Naruto's momentary distraction allowed Michelle to succeed in her goal.
And everyone in the room that wasn't Naruto had bulging eyes.
"Oh, you're fucking kidding me!?" Adam couldn't believe it; Lute's jaw hit the floor.
"YES! JACKPOT!" Michelle licked her lips!
"BLEACH! I NEED BLEACH!" Lucifer shouted.
"OH, GOD!" Charlie covered her eyes, her entire face was redder than her suit.
Suffice it to say, the meeting didn't go as the Princess of Hell hoped it would.
(Sometime Later)
Angel scrolled through his phone, lazing on the couch when he heard the doors of the hotel open and saw the Princess of Hell walk to the bar, "So, how'd it go?"
He already knew the answer. What he didn't expect was the following to come out of Charlie's mouth, "Husk, our strongest stuff, and keep them coming!"
"Sorry, fresh out," everyone present had already seen the news regarding Extermination Day's new schedule. The group had beaten her to it.
"Emergency stash?"
"Gone too."
"Ugh," Charlie slammed her head on the bar. This day could not get any worse.
"What a dump."
"Will you stop following me!"
Oh, wait, it could.
Everyone looked and then froze when they saw a very tall Archangel walk into their hotel.
"Stab! Stab! Stab!Stab!Stab! Damn it! I'll get you next time, Roach 28! Ahahahaha!" Niffty looked up from her position and upon spotting Michelle asked, "Who's she?"
"Guys, aunty Michelle. Aunty Michelle, guys," Charlie half-heartedly introduced, "She'll be staying with us."
"WHAT?!"
"I'M OUT!" Rent-free or not, no way was Angel staying in a place with a freaking Archangel.
"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" Husk didn't care if Alastor tore his soul apart.
Fate had other plans as the wall to the Hotel was suddenly blown up!
"OH, WHAT THE FUCK NOW!?"
"Show yourself Alasssstor. Come and face... Oh, there you are. Face the wrath of the great Ssssssir Pentiousssss!"
"Who are you?" Alastor was heard asking.
"I just told you who I am! Ssssssir Pentiousssss! Inventor, architect of dessstruction, villain extraordinaire!" Pentious boasted.
"Ha, well if all that's true, you'd think I'd have heard of you."
Sir Pentious couldn't believe this, "I attacked you just last week!"
...
"We've done battle, like... twenty times!"
"Hmm, well, you must have been really bad at this. I can't recall you," Alastor mocked the snake-like demon.
Pentious couldn't take it any longer, "Silence! Now cower! For when I've ssslain you, the almighty Vees will finally acknowledge me as thei-OH SHIT! ABORT! REVERSE! REVERSE! REVERSE!"
Alastor couldn't tell if it was because the un-note-worthy sinner spotted the Angelslayer, or if it was Archangel Michelle, or both. But Pentious didn't get very far as Michelle shot down the zeppelin with a single blast of divine energy with a gun-like motion of her fingers. The dirigible didn't blow up but the sizeable hole in its side did prevent it from staying afloat and Pentious unceremoniously fell to the ground right in front of the Radio Demon as his machine crashed off to the side.
"Thanks for another forgettable experience!"
"Ttthhaannkkk yyyooouu...For letting your guard down! Aha!" Pentious gloated, having torn off a piece of Alastor's suit. Big mistake, for the Radio Demon was less than pleased by the lack of proper conduct, "Oh, shit!"
KABOOM!
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" the snake was sent flying into the distance.
"Well, it looks like I'm off to the tailor. Best of luck chums! Lady Michelle," Alastor bowed to the Archangel.
"Wait, you're leaving? Alastor we need your help!" Vaggie told him.
"We need a wall?" Angel added.
"Of course! Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already. What would the papers say?!" with a snap of his fingers, black ink demons with construction tools appeared and as Alastor walked away, Angel took an interest in one of them and began flirting.
All of which was being observed by a VoxTek drone.
"Are you seeing this? Look how he flirts with that guy, and he's not even paying! Who is that? I'm gonna fucking kill his whole fucking family! Vox?"
...
"VOX!" Valentino called him out once more but once again got no reply from his fellow Vee.
...
"The fuck is wrong with you!?" Valentino reached his colleague and on-and-off-again lover and saw that Vox's face had frozen with rainbow-coloured bars. Confused, Valentino looked at the screen in front of the Television Demon, and understanding soon dawned.
"FUCK!" Valentino exclaimed.
Wham! The door leading to the room suddenly opened to reveal the youngest of the trio, and the youngest overlord in general.
"What the bloody 'ell is up with you two shits! Another lovers quarrel?" Velvette was getting sick and tired of them.
...
...
Neither one of her fellow Vees replied, "Oi, are you two listenen'?"
...
...
"Uh...'ello?" moving towards them, Velvette saw that both of them were in a daze.
"The fuck 'appen to you sorry tos-EEEEEEHHH!" Velvette squealed, harshly pushing her colleagues out of her way, her eyes glued to the screen, and bringing them out of their funk involuntarily, "'Ello, gorgeous!"
"Oh, my fucking head!" Vox couldn't recall the last time he had such a harsh reboot. What happened? Oh, right, that fucker Alastor was back! After seven years his old rival had the nerve to show his fucking face after what happened. Not on his watch! "Vel, move!"
"Piss off ya poof!" was her reply, as she fiddled with the controls, "How the fuck do you use these bloody things?"
"Don't touch that!" Vox ordered.
"Wait, I found the zoom!" Vel said as her target's form started to become clearer and clearer.
"THAT'S NOT THE ZOOM!" what she was actually doing was bringing the drone closer to the Angelslayer instead.
Bonk!
Oops! Too close.
"Ow!" Naruto glared into the screen, his arm raised.
"Nonononono!" Vox tried to prevent what was about to happen. And could do nothing to stop it.
Smash!
Beeeeeeep!
"Fuuuuck!" Vox wailed, his machine no more than scrap now, "Do you have any idea how expensive that was?!"
"Don't care. Build another. We can afford it," Velvette told him.
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" sure it was chump change but it was also the principal of it all. Not only that, they may have pissed off the Angelslayer just because Velvette wanted a closer look for her social network. Fortunately, the recordings were uploaded to their network.
"Fuck, fuck, FUCK!" both Vox and Velvette turned to Valentino who had gone full demon, red wisps furiously swirling around his form until they engulfed him completely and then flew out the window.
"Where's piss baby going?"
"Shit!" Vox had an idea. Valentino wasn't exactly the sharpest tool at times and that anger beat whatever common sense he had into oblivion whenever it got the best of him. And if Valentino did what Vox assumed he was doing, he needed to be stopped before he got himself killed, or worse, destroyed everything the Vees built.
"Salutations~Good to be back on the air~" Vox and Velvette suddenly heard.
"Is that who I think it is?" Velvette got her answer just by looking at Vox's angry face.
"FUUUCCCKKK!"
"FIGHT ME!" Michelle shouted once more.
"DON'T WANNA!" Naruto shouted back. He had no intention of fighting her, especially after she tried forcing herself on him. This woman was crazy!
"So, uh, wat's with her?" Angel Dust asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Charlie said, nursing a shot.
"You know that still yer first glass, right?" Angel revealed, "C'mon, ain't yous da one who's always going on about sharen' and all that touchy-feely crap?"
Charlie groaned, hating having her own words thrown back at her.
"So, what's dis about?"
"She wants to have sex with him. Almost did at the embassy too," Charlie finally revealed.
"...HA! Good one, toots! Hehehe...he...eh?" Angel Dust saw that Charlie wasn't laughing, "You're shittin' me! ... You're not shittin' me?"
"MAKE LOVE TO ME!" everyone heard Michelle shout.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Nooo. No, I am not," Charlie sorely wished she was. Oh, she had nothing against romance, and if an angel could love a demon she was all for it, but seeing her aunt try to go to town with someone right before her eyes was more than a bit much for her taste. Her father hadn't said a word either after the meeting ended.
"Dang! Way ta go stud!" Angel raised his bottle, "Must be damn impressive if she's chasin 'im dis hard."
"You have no idea."
Angel looked stunned, "... Wait, what? Fer real?"
"Babe, how do you know that?" Vaggie asked her girlfriend.
Charlie, having realized she said that out loud, finally downed her shot, "Ano-hic!-ther!"
"This outta be good," Husk smiled and poured the princess another shot.
"Oh, come on! Don't leave me hangin'. Spill!"
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Oh, thank God. A distraction.
"Ughh, what now?" Vaggie opened the door and wished she hadn't.
"Out of my way slag!" Angel froze, recognizing the voice.
"Val? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I'M HERE FOR YOU! YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!" Valentino declared, grabbing Angel by the arm.
"Ow, hey! Da fuck's yer problem?!" Valentino wasn't usually this forceful. Sure, he could be, but something had to have thrown him off the deep end for the Porno Demon to come and get him guns ablazin'.
"You think I don't know what you're up to? You think I don't see what's happening here? Shacking up with Lucifer's little princessa so you don't have to come work for me anymore?"
"Dat's not-" Angel was slapped by the owner of his soul.
"Well, that's not fucking happening! You're leaving! And you're not going anywhere unless I say so from now on!"
"HEY!"
Everyone looked at Naruto, and the angry look on his face.
"The fuck you just say to me!" it was clear that Valentino's anger had gotten the best of him, otherwise he would have realized the shit he was stepping in, "Fuck off! This is between me, and this little slut! I own him! I can do whatever the fuck I want to him, and make him do what I want! When I say 'come', you say?"
"Yes, Valentino," Angel choked, and Naruto looked livid, summoning Michelle's sword as he made his way to slice the overlord in two.
"And when I say 'you're fucking twenty guys before lunch' you say?"
"Y-yes, Valentino," Angel's voice broke.
"Fucken-A! Don't forget, Anthony," a wisp of smoke appeared, a collar and chain appearing on Angel's neck, attached to a contract, "You're mine!"
"HAAAAHH!"
Valentino turned just in time to see Naruto swing the sword, the overlord using the parchment as a shield. Soul contracts were indestructible, nothing could damage them, making them the ultimate defense and protecting Valentino from harm.
Naruto's arms felt heavier than he could remember them to be, then his legs, and then his head, until finally, his entire being felt like lead, until he spun and fell to a knee dead tired, forcing him to use Michelle's sword to keep him steady, his eyes never leaving Valentino.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha. Nice try~" Valentino mocked, smug by the outcome of what just happened.
Crack!
Then everything went to shit.
Everyone watched as a crack, followed by another, and then another, and another, until finally the soul-binding parchment fell apart like glass and then dissolved into nothingness. The chain around Angel's neck began to disintegrate and each link vanished until it finally reached the collar until it too was no more than dust.
Once again, Uzumaki Naruto had performed the impossible. And the implication of it all finally settled in.
"I'm ... free? ... I'm free...Ha... HA...HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M FREEEE!" Angel shouted for all to hear, "Fuck you, Valentino!"
Those were the only words Naruto managed to hear before he lost consciousness despite his efforts.
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!" Valentino declared, whipping out his gun. A gun Michelle and Vaggie instantly recognized.
"ANGELIC GUN!"
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
"Pfft...Pwahahahahaha!" Michelle began laughing confusing everyone.
"THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!" Valentino snarled.
"You and how fucking stupid you are," Michelle declared, ignoring the bullets that struck her that were no more than a tickle.
"Wha' she doing?" Angel asked from his cover.
"Keep your head down!" Vaggie pulled down the freed pornstar
"CharChar!" everyone blinked at the nickname, "It's safe to come out."
"You nuts! That's an angel gun!"
"Yeah, and it's useless without the bullets," an angelic gun was only lethal if it had the corresponding bullets, otherwise it was nothing more than a fancy peashooter. Sure, ordinary bullets would hurt even worse through them, but that was it. Furthermore, basic angelic weapons couldn't hurt an Archangel such as Michelle. Guns would sting like a bitch, but even it would take much more than that to take her down. Even a shot to the head wouldn't be fatal for her. At best it would slow her down.
"YOU CUNT!"
Bang!
Clang!
...
Clang?
The sword of Michelle was aloft, blocking the bullet that was shot, the weapon still held in Naruto's hand. The blond twitched, his body becoming covered in red, and watched in fascination as he rose off the ground and began to change. His blond hair became a dark crimson red, his body growing taller, his hair going down his back, his face more regal, and his ears disappearing. In short, it was like a male version of that womanly disguise he took.
"Final-Fucking-ly," Naruto smiled, but the voice that escaped his mouth wasn't his own everyone noted.
"Naruto?"
"The brat's taking a nap. Name's Kurama."
Vaggie had seen many incredulous things in her life, most recent was seeing the exterminators, Adam, Lute, and Archangel Michelle having their asses handed to 'em on a silver platter only a few hours ago. This was another. And honestly, Vaggie was, in a word, disgusted.
It wasn't like Naruto didn't have any manners when it came to eating, oh, they weren't the greatest but she had seen way, way worse - Adam for one, especially when it came to eating ribs - it had more to do with the fact that he ate a lot. And by a lot, she meant he pretty much had a black hole where his stomach should be. Sixty-seven ramen noodles cups had come and gone and Naruto was finishing number sixty-eight. Were he a hellborn demon he'd fit right in as an inhabitant of the Glutony Ring.
"Phew! I'm stuffed," Naruto declared.
"You, uh, ain't worried all that shit's gonna ruin your figure?" Angel didn't want to lose the eye candy.
"Nah! This is nothing. My wife could eat about twenty cups more and she kept her figure," and that was a mystery he'd never been able to solve. Nor a battle he had ever been able to win.
"And what figure was that? Pillsbury Doughboy?"
Naruto blinked, "...I have no idea what that means."
Angel said nothing, it wasn't fun if he had to explain the joke.
"You're married?" color Vaggie surprised.
"Widowed," Naruto revealed, and Vaggie winced. Nice one on her part, "We were together for a little over a century before she passed."
"...Uh...what?" Husk thought he heard wrong.
"You were a hundred years old?" Vaggie skeptically looked him up and down, not believing it given how he looked. When you came to hell, your appearance reflected the age from when you died, most of the time.
"Mom's family had very, very good genes," and it was true as the oldest Uzumaki from what he learned had lived to be a little over two centuries old, and that had been during the Era of Warring States.
In Hinata's case, it had been thanks to a combination of seals and his unique powers that allowed her to retain the youth and vitality of a person well below half her age. But even that had its limits and she had peacefully passed away in her sleep at the age of a hundred and thirty-two, making her the oldest living Hyuga in history. Naruto had mourned her for well over three years before he felt ready to move on, never forgetting her and honoring her on the anniversary of her death and the day they married.
Naruto had never remarried, long-lived though he was he had no way of knowing how much time he had left, and knowing the pain of losing a spouse he had no intention of putting another through that. But he did have the odd fling every now and then, though it was mostly physical and more friends with benefits than truly romantic. And sure enough, he passed a little over thirty years later.
"I call bullshit," said Angel. Sure, he could believe humans had good genes but not that good.
Naruto merely shrugged, not all concerned if they believed him or not.
"So, Angelslayer," Husk began, "What's your story anyway?"
"You mean why I'm in Hell?"
"No, I mean why you're blond," was the sarcastic reply.
"Oh, well, my dad had blond hair-"
"You're fucking with me aren't you?"
"You served, I volleyed," Naruto quipped.
"Smart ass," Husk muttered.
"Ha! He got ya good, Whiskers!" Angel taunted.
"Call me Whiskers one more time and I'll jam this beer bottle down your throat!" Husk threatened.
"Kinky! Come on, keep talking dirty."
"Are they always like this?" Naruto asked, a little weirded out.
"No. It's usually more violent," Niffty laughed, popping up beside him.
"Ah! We're gonna need to get you a bell, missy," Niffty's stealth was pretty damn good.
"How about a brand instead?" Niffty asked with a deranged grin.
Naruto wisely backed the fuck up, unnerved by her behavior. And he thought Orochimaru was a deranged nut.
"So, spill," Husk asked once more.
"Short version. I was an orphan. I was raised to be a ninja. I became one. Fought to defend my home. Fought a bunch of powerful people. Fought a demi-god, and then a god. Fought in wars. Won said wars. Married. Had kids. Became a grandfather, a great-grandfather, and then a great, great-grandfather. I died and then I woke up here. Oh, and I befriended a walking calamity with an attitude problem and a short fuse," Naruto was curious to know what happened to Kurama when he passed.
Technically speaking the two were separated when the seal was torn off but Kurama remained inside him nonetheless and from what Naruto remembered the crouchy old bastard stayed with him 'till the end. Not like the death of a Biju was a permanent thing anyway. But given the circumstances of his reincarnation in Hell, Naruto wondered if part of Kurama also joined him or if it was merely his power and Old Man Sage. It was confusing, to be honest
"...Look if you don't wanna tell us just say so instead of making up bullshit," Husk told him, "Fought a god. Pfft. Good one."
Again, Naruto didn't care if they believed him or not. The old young cocky little shit that he was would have but Naruto had matured since then.
"Aaaaaah! Who switched my coke with itching powder? Oh, God, it burns!"
Well, for the most part.
"Drugs are bad," Naruto told the pornstar.
"I'll fucking kill ya!"
"I'd pay to see that ass-kicking," Husk loved making easy money.
"Fuck you, Whiskers!" Husk pounced on the spider-like demon, a beer bottle in hand to go through with his previous threat.
Just another day at the Hazbin Hotel.
"Oww! Fuck that hurts. Eeek! Watch it will ya!?" Adam complained as the angels around him treated his injuries. He honestly couldn't remember how long it had been since he was this seriously hurt, "Yeow!"
"I didn't touch anything," said the nurse.
"Are you calling Sir Adam a liar?!" Lute asked the angel in question, she was in even worse shape than her leader, "Are you!"
"Will you both shut up," came the command of Michelle, and both lower-class angels wisely closed their mouths. She was the only one of the trio who looked in tip-top shape, except for the bandage around her stomach, and even then that was superficial. An archangel could heal a heck of a lot more quickly than any other class of angel. A perk of being among Heaven's firstborn.
"But Lady Michel-mmmhmmm," Lute moved her mouth but her lips wouldn't open and her words were incomprehensible. Adam was the same.
"That's better," Michelle looked smug but winced at the flare from her wound. Minor though it was it stung like a bitch. A sensation she had not felt since the last time her Father spanked her during the early days. Michelle had wanted to go back into Hell, both to retrieve her sword and to continue fighting but when the remaining exterminators came back the Heavenly Gate was closed, and once closed not even she could open it despite her power. The Heavenly Gate could only be opened by Gabriel's Trumpet and said instrument that heralded Judgement Day, or Extermination Day as it was called, could only be used by one whom Gabriel authorized to use it.
Only Gabriel could overrule its power. And Michelle wasn't the greatest at creating teleports either. She was many things, but a proficient weaver of divine energy relating to things outside of combat - except for some of the more basic spells, and even that was hit and miss - was not. Give her a war, a battle, heck, even a bar brawl and she was good to go. Heck, give her cooking utensils and she could make a feast that was to die for. But ask her to make a portal, well, one would be lucky not to find themselves in a galaxy far, far away. Or the Void.
...Where was she going with this again? Oh, right. The gorgeous hunk that sent her heart and body soaring like Superman on crack.
Luci, the little bitch, refused to talk to her when Gabe reached out to their fallen sibling. Then again, the little shit had a right to be scared of his big badass sister. But it also meant she wasn't able to find out whom she fought, too.
She'd get him back for that later.
"Lady Sera," Michelle heard an angel say, and glanced at the High Seraphim, her little assistant nowhere to be found.
"Dismissed!" Sera ordered the other angels and none objected as they left the room, "What happened?!"
"Mmhmm mhmhhhmhgaahh!"
Sera merely glanced at Michelle, "My Lady, if you wouldn't mind," the High Seraphim, knowing her place in the hierarchy of Heaven, asked instead of commanding. Archangels were second only to God himself, and given dear old Dad had gone on vacation some time ago - give or take a century - it meant she and her remaining siblings were pretty much in charge of Heaven, though it was mostly their sister Urielle who did the pencil pushing.
"You sure about that?" Michelle asked.
"Much as I am not a fan of Adam and Lute's vulgarity, given what happened today, I must hear what they have to say," especially when a portion of Heaven was damaged when that sphere blew up. Thankfully, no one was killed due to the protective cloak Michelle managed to conjure in the nick of time, though some had been injured nonetheless. The explosion had been massive.
Shrugging, Michelle did as requested.
"Oh, sweet fucking air," Adam breathed in, "Sera, look, it's like this-"
"Give me one reason why I should allow this to continue," Sera interrupted. First Man and a favorite of God or not, Adam was still an angel. A powerful one to be certain, but Sera's authority was greater than his own.
"Uh, what?"
"Why. should. I. allow. Extermination. Day. to. go. on!" oh, shit she was pissed, Adam realized.
"Your Highness! It wasn't our fault! It was a filthy demon that did this! A powerful one," Lute explained.
Sera narrowed her eyes but allowed them to elaborate, "Go on."
"See, everything was going smoothly. A dead demon here another dead demon there, as per uge," Sera narrowed her eyes even further and so Adam cut to the chase, "Next thing we know, I find my gals dead on the ground. And then this blond fuck starts pelting us with their heads! I go after him-"
"And then got bitch slapped into the ground," Michelle spoke.
"You saw that?"
"Saw it? I recorded it," Michelle laughed.
"Oh, come on!"
"Focus," Sera ordered.
"This demon is nothing like we've ever seen before. And his power," Lute shook as she began recollecting, "I've never felt something quite like it."
"He was so manly," Michelle gushed like a schoolgirl, her hands on he cheeks, not realizing she said that out loud and ignorant of the bewildered looks directed at her.
"DA FUCK!"
(Hours Later)
"So, what do you think?" Alastor asked when the commercial ended.
"...I'm sorry, what the fuck was that?!" Vaggie exclaimed, pissed at what she just saw.
"What are they talking about?" Naruto asked Husk.
"Princess Daddy Issues is trying to convince sinners to stay here in the hopes of getting 'em into Heaven with rehabilitation. Pretty pointless if ya ask me," Husk informed the blond.
"What's so wrong about that? Sounds noble if you ask me."
"Noble and idiocy are part of the same fucking coin. Either way, it can't be done. No sinner has ever gotten into Heaven. It's a rigged game. Once you're down here, you're stuck here. Better get used to it and make your peace with it cuz you ain't going nowhere unless you die. It's an impossible dream," Husk told him.
Naruto merely smiled, "In my experience, it's only impossible if you give up. Otherwise, even if there's only a small chance of success, it's still possible."
Husk merely rolled his eyes at the sappyness of it all. Now there were two of 'em. Just great.
"By the way, what's with Mr. Creepy Smile?" or as Naruto heard Angel call Alastor at times, the Strawberry Pimp.
"You really are new here aren't ya," that or he was being fucked with, or the blond was an idiot.
"Like I said, I just got here a few weeks ago," again, Naruto had no idea why.
"Just do yourself a favor. Don't piss him off and don't make any deals with him. Trust me you'll regret it," the last thing Husk wanted was someone as powerful as Naruto under Alastor's control. No matter how powerful you were, if someone owned your soul, you were their bitch.
The former overlord knew that all too well.
"That didn't answer my question," Naruto deadpanned.
"Do I look like a fucking stenographer?"
Before Naruto could retort, both he and Husk were distracted by a loud, "What!" that came from Vaggie.
"If'n you're filming a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here?"
"Angel, you're a porn star."
"A famous porn star, I'll have the horniest sinners knocking these walls down to get in."
"We are not filming a porn as a commercial," Naruto was fairly certain the word porno is she meant to say because that sentence didn't make sense.
"Why not? Sex sells don't it? I swear if you film me going at it with Mr. Fancy Talk Creepy Voice here, or better yet the Nine-Tailed Stud, you'd be rolling in participants willing to stay at this tacky hotel," Angel offered.
Alastor laughed derisively, "Ha, ha. Never going to happen."
"And, once again, I'M NOT GAY!" that kiss with Sasuke did not count!
"Hey, I ain't straight but I'll sleep with women if ya pay me enough, and give me a fluffer to get me going," Angel Dust revealed.
"Angel, I appreciate you wanting to use your special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but I, uh, really don't want to exploit you ... in that way."
"Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity. Ho, ho! I got the legs! The gag reflex, the holes, the chest fluff everyone thinks are tits. This guy knows what I'm talking about!" Angel pointed at Naruto. Said blond's eye was starting to twitch and he looked ready to beat the living snot out of the so-called famous porn star.
"Yeah, but-" Feeling her phone vibrate and seeing the caller ID, Charlie excused herself, "Hold that thought! I'll be right back."
"Take your time! I can go all night, baby!"
"Is he still bragging?" on more than one account.
"I dunno, wanna find out first hand, Blondie?" Angel wiggled his eyebrows.
"First and foremost: NOT. GAY!" Naruto declared once again, "Second, my record is thirty-one hours and fifty-two minutes," he could have gone on but there was only so much Hinata could take even with his powers.
"Bullshit!" no way in Hell did Angel believe a word of that.
"I killed an army of exterminators, bitch slapped their leaders into tasting pavement, and kicked an Archangel's ass, and yet somehow this you find hard to believe?"
Angel Dust made to retort but couldn't come up with anything good and merely huffed, a fact Vaggie greatly relished, "Fine. Question though. If yous twos are so powerful why can't you and Mr Freaky Talk just make people stay here? You know. Help this place out?"
"Oh, trust me, I can," was Alastor's devious reply, and before Naruto could reply, Husk cut in.
"Why do you think I'm here? You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he wasn't forcing me?"
"I like being forced!"
"Keep that to yourself, Nif."
"Okay, that's enough crazy I can take for one day! Imma go take a walk," Naruto informed them.
"Wouldn't do that if I was yous," Angel Dust stopped him, "You're hot stuff, and by that, I mean yer sexy as fuck, and the talk of the town."
"Our sailor-mouthed resident does speak the truth. You'll be fortunate enough to make it a single block before finding yourself cajoled by the masses," Alastor added.
"I can take care of myself," Naruto waved off.
"Uh, now that I tink about it, why's this place so empty anyway? I mean, you'd figger every lowlife and player out there would want a piece o' dis guy. So why hasn't any of 'em broken down the doors to see him?"
As far as questions went, Vaggie had to admit, not out loud, that it was actually one of Angel's more insightful ones.
"Oho, my dear boy. When one sees an overlord walking down the street many flee for their lives. And this strapping specimen is clearly more powerful," Alastor explained.
"Yeah, I get dat. But why ain't the other overlords wanting to get on his good side? Fuck, why aren't sinners looking to throw themselves at him?" sinners either worked for an overlord either for protection and access to luxuries or to because said demons owed their souls or both.
"Henge (Transformation)!"
Everyone, and a returned Charlie included, watched as Naruto was covered in smoke before it revealed a crimson, short-haired woman who wore an old-style battle-yukata towered over even Angel. The whisker marks were gone along with the fox ears, though the ears she had were small they were sharp and elf-like. Her bust was damn noticeable, too, though nowhere as big as Tsunade's.
"Does that answer your question?" Naruto revealed, his voice now soft and feminine.
...
...
...
"What?"
"You can change your appearance?"
"Yeah? So?"
"It's a very rare skill to have," Charlie said. Sure, any demon could change from their base form to their full demon form, but only the more powerful demons were able to alter their appearance such as shifting from their base to something else but it was flawed as many characteristics remained and one could put two and two together.
"Kinky as hell though. Can you only do women?" Angel Dust asked, and then blinked as Naruto changed once more into the spider demon's exact likeness, "Da fuck!?"
"What's a madder? Don't I look drop-dead gorgeous?" Angel's like alike sounded like him, acted like him, and looked like him.
"Is it wrong dat I'm so turned on right now?"
"Gross!"
Poof!
"Well, I feel dirty," Naruto now took the form of Alastor, he wasn't gonna turn into Angel any time soon after that comment, the voice was hard to pull off though.
"Kindly revert back. There's only room for one Radio Demon!" Alastor said, the space around him distorting, his teeth remaining shut and his lips unmoving as he spoke.
"Isn't it polite to say 'please' when we ask for something? Good manners and all," said the Alastor look alike, his eyes radiating a power that the original lacked.
Alastor merely continued to smile but acquiesced, "Please, if you don't mind."
"Okay!" with an audible 'Poof!' Naruto was back as once was and massaged his throat, "Gotta ask, how do you do that with your voice? It's hard on the throat."
"Trade secret, my boy," Alastor explained, back to his gentleman-like self.
"Okay! Before we go too far, I have an announcement~" Charlie sang, recovering from the revelations she had just witnessed.
"You realized dis whole ting is stupid and moving on with yer life?" Angel Dust guessed.
"Uh, no."
"You're ordering better booze?" Husk hope to fuck the answer was yes.
"Not with our budget, no."
"Roach puppet shows where they stab each other to death as their motherbugs watch!?" Niffty declared with a demented cackle. Everyone closest to the cyclopean demon backed away from her.
"What the fu-"
"More ramen?"
"NO! My dad called!" Charlie revealed.
"...So?" Angel didn't see how that was a big deal.
"So, the leaders of the angel army want to meet! And he wants me to go in his place! Don't you see? This is my big chance!"
"Are you nuts!? Wait, dumb question. You are nuts. Mr. Crimson Avenger there," Naruto liked the sound of his nickname, "offed a bunch 'o their exorcists and beat the livin' snot outta their bosses. And now they wanna meet? Anyone wit a brain knows this is a trap," and given he came from a mafia background, both as a human and demon, Angel knew a set up when heard one.
"Angel's right, Charlie. The Extermination ended only a few hours ago and that's because Naruto forced them to flee for the first time in history, by himself. No one's ever killed an exorcist before and he did it like it was nothing. Why would they want to meet?" Vaggie loved her girlfriend, but her optimism was getting the best of her common sense.
"Guys, I know how risky this sounds. But I have to try. Besides, dad said Heaven wanted to negotiate a deal," Charlie revealed.
"A deal, my dear?" Alastor asked.
"Yeah, don't know the specifics but dad wants me to find out what it is and get back to him. And, while I'm at it, I can try and convince them to accept my idea!"
"Don't you think it's a little soon to-"
"~I can do this~Somehow I know it~"
Naruto blinked, "Uh, what's going on now? Why she singing?"
"Ugh, it's dis thing she does apparently. Don't ask," Angel laughed as Charlie sang her song.
Naruto was starting to wonder just what the hell he had gotten himself into.
"So, do you always sing and dance?" Naruto asked, disguised as his female crimson-haired form.
"Yeah, pretty much. You should try it," Charlie gushed.
"Not a chance," doing a musical number was not, nor will it ever be Naruto's thing.
"I bet I can convince you otherwise~" Charlie sang.
"Let's stick with you trying to get your hotel project off the ground and see what they want first kiddo," Naruto advised, coming along just in case things went south.
"Oh, right. Well, here goes...Why's there a hole?...Oh, riiiight," Charlie recalled.
Naruto merely shrugged. Not his fault the building wasn't sturdy enough. Or in the way.
As they entered the Heaven Embassy, the gold color shining so bright that it was almost blinding, Charlie's voice echoed as she looked for anyone, finding only a service bell that summoned a floating sign-in sheet to suddenly appear before her upon ringing it.
"Okay, creepy," Charlie signed nonetheless and watched as the flying parchment went towards Naruto.
The blond had no intention of signing and tried walking past it but blocked his path each way he went until he grabbed the damn thing and crumbled it up into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder where it lay still on the ground. At Charlie's questioning look, Naruto simply shrugged and both moved on to a door that suddenly opened and led to what appeared to be a darkened conference room.
"Hello? Is anyone here?"
"'Sup!"
"Holy shit!" Charlie exclaimed.
Naruto's eyes narrowed a bit when the light in the room turned on to reveal Adam, beside him was an exterminator, and behind them was-
"CharChar!"
"Hey~Aunty-URK!" okay, so, strong hugs ran on her father's side of the family it seemed. Good to know! Broken bones and lack of air? Not so good!
"Oh, sweet lord, I haven't seen you in. so. long!" Michelle squeezed her even harder.
"Uh, we've never ...met," Charlie managed to wheeze out. Sure, she had been told about her aunts and uncles, a chore and a half on itself given how estranged her father was with his siblings, but she hadn't had the fortune of meeting them.
"Oh, right, you were probably too young to remember. How old are you now?"
"Almost... two ...hundred," oxygen running out.
"Two-hundred? Huh, she's older than me," Naruto had no idea.
"Really? Ooh, it has been a while. I owe ya a lot of birthday gifts, kid."
"Need...air!" Charlie squeaked and swore she was seeing her grandfather. He wasn't what she pictured him. He was short and had a brown beard that matched his messy hair.
"Whoops! Sorry!" Michelle apologized and released her niece.
GASP! Oh, sweet, beautiful, life-granting oxygen.
"So, where's Luci?" Michelle noticed the lack of her younger brother.
"He's, uh, not coming. He sent me instead," Charlie explained with an awkward smile.
"Pfft," Michelle scoffed, "Typical. The little bitch is still too scared to come see me. Think I'll pay him a visit after this just to remind him who's in charge."
"Won't be necessary!" Lucifer suddenly appeared.
"Woah! Dad?"
"Hey~bitch!" was Lucifer's nervous reply.
Charlie had an annoyed look, "... It's been almost a month and that's all you have to say?"
"Uh...depression?" was Lucifer's excuse, a nervous chuckle escaping him before he spotted a disguised Naruto, "Uh, who's that?"
"Her? Oh, that's, um, uh, she's my...bodyguard? Yes! She's my bodyguard! You know, to... protect me?" Charlie told her father.
"Oh, that was horrible to watch," as great a singer and dancer as she was, Charlie's acting sucked.
"Uh-huh."
"Oh, Luci~" sang a certain Archangel.
Gulp!
"Hey~sis. How you been?"
"Oh, much better now," Michelle smiled a smile that should not belong on an angel. Nor should angels be cracking their knuckles in a threatening manner.
Crack.
Crack.
Crack.
"We've got LOTS to talk about."
"Okay, me showing up may not have been a good idea," but then again, decisions often made through fear rarely were.
"Yo! Can we move this along? I've got other important shit to do!" Adam declared, his eyes narrowing at Lucifer and vice versa.
"Oh, yes, right, so, uh...I'm sorry what's your name?" Charlie asked.
"Call me Dickmaster!" Adam said, his hand forming the sign of the horn.
Pft! Naruto couldn't help himself.
"You think that's funny!"
"Well, anyone calling themselves Dickmaster is obviously compensating for something," Naruto said his piece.
"You dare mock Lord Adam!" Lute exclaimed, her spear pointed at the demon.
"I mock anyone who doesn't have the balls to show up here in person," Naruto revealed.
"Wait, what?" true enough, Charlie watched as her hand went through Adam and Lute and realized it was a hologram.
"Oh, come on!" there went that series of jokes.
"Wait, if you're not here, why's she?" Lucifer pointed to his eldest sibling.
"Can't a big sister come see her bedwetter of a brother and her niece?"
"Bedwetter!" everyone except Lucifer and Michelle exclaimed.
"That was a long time ago and not my fault!" Lucifer snarled. There went his rep.
"He did it till he was twelve," Michelle cackled, the rest of the group joined her.
"You kept dunking my hand in water while I slept!" how he still never figured out.
"It wasn't always water," Michelle revealed.
"You BITCH!" the King of Hell was now going full-on demon.
"To be fair, sometimes it was Gabe who did it."
"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" oh, that little pranking shit was gonna get it somehow!
"Wokay!" Charlie interjected, ignoring Lute, Adam, and Naruto who continued laughing, "If we can all just relax and get to why we came here for?"
"Aww, but I wanna poke more fun at Luci," Michelle had centuries worth of material, too.
"Maybe another time," Charlie placated her aunt.
"Thanks, sweetie," Lucifer deadpanned, "Well if your mom's ex is-"
"Wait, ex? Oh, shit, he's that Adam? ... Oooh, that explains a lot," Charlie felt very awkward.
"You can't blame your mom for leaving him for me. Or his second wife," Lucifer cackled. Now that had been a fun century!
"YOU SONOVA-"
"Focus!" Michelle flared her power, her form shifting slightly and even though they were holograms, both Lute and Adam froze too, and Naruto made a mental note of that.
"Now, can we move on?" Michelle asked, her form going back to normal, she had better things to do. Like finding a certain blond.
Naruto felt his spine shiver.
"Yeah, whatever. So, here's the deal we're proposing. The higher-ups are willing to hold off on the Extermination for a period of five years!"
Charlie liked it so far.
"If you hand over the fuckwad that wiped out my exorcists!" Addam added.
And now she didn't.
"Ha! Not a chance!" Lucifer denied. Sure, he might not be the biggest fan of said demon for the headache that he caused the King of Hell, but all of Hell would revolt if he allowed someone as powerful as that to be handed over to the Heavenly Host.
"It's that or starting today we hold the Purge twice a year instead! And this time, we won't just be going after sinners!" Adam had a nasty look as he said that.
"You can't do that!" Charlie exclaimed.
"Not my problem. You knew the deal. We come down, have our fun for an entire day, and then we leave your little cesspool till next year. The way I see it, you broke the terms of the deal."
"The deal didn't stipulate anything about sinners not being allowed to fight back," Charlie explained.
"...Wait, what?" Adam put his finger in his ear. Sinner?
"Charlie?" sure, Lucifer had suspected the being to be a sinner, a strong one, but when they went toe to toe with Michelle and won he believed it had been a hellborn demon instead, and for good reason. But how did his daughter know it was a sinner?
"Uh...oops," Charlie realized she fucked up.
Fortunately, Adam didn't buy it, "HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man. That's a good one. Seriously, do you think I'm a fucken idiot! No sinner's ever had that kind of power! Sure, I admit there's nothing in the deal that says they can't fight back, but you guys still broke the rules."
"Lord Adam speaks the truth. This was clearly one of your filthy hellborn scum! And the agreement clearly states that any hellborn demon that interferes in the Purge shall be deemed forfeit to the Exterminators," Lute looked smug.
Oh, right, Lucifer did recall that stipulation.
"So, the way I see it, ya got two choices: hand over the asshole and get a five-year vacay, or we start going after everyone twice a year instead," it was clear to all that Adam hoped they went with option two.
"Fine by me," Lucifer shrugged.
"Dad," Sure, Charlie didn't want to give up Naruto, but she also didn't want more deaths to happen from either angels or demons alike.
"Sweety, they're bluffing. They got their asses handed to them, and it'll happen again," Lucifer explained.
Oh, right!
"We've been granted to use the Leviathans," Adam revealed.
"ARE YOU INSANE?! THERE'S A REASON WHY THE OLD FUCK LOCKED THOSE THINGS UP!" Lucifer couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was Heaven nuts?
Charlie wasn't faring any better, recalling the stories her father told her about them when she was young. Boogiemen tales to get her to listen as a child.
"Leviathans?" Naruto inquired.
"Father's very first beasts, and one of his biggest mistakes. At first, they were nothing more than mere creatures but then Lucifer in all his infinite wisdom decided to give free will to humanity and caused evil to be born. An unforeseen side effect was the Leviathans becoming affected by that evil, too. They became ravenous creatures, powerful ones, growing too rampant, too gluttonous, and threatened all that He created on Earth. But the worst part, they somehow developed the innate power to kill an angel and demon, permanently. Father had them locked away and sealed in the Void, and it was ordained that they were only to be released under the most dire of circumstances," Michelle explained. She, too, wasn't pleased but the majority of her siblings voted their approval to use them. Sure, Heaven had long since developed a method to better control them but even then it held risks.
"It's one of the reasons why I was banished to Hell," Lucifer admitted, "Well, that and stealing Adam's unsatisfied wife!"
"Fuck you! You can keep the cunt!"
"NEVER. INSULT. MY. WIFE!" Lucifer snarled at the man. Sure, he and Lili were taking a break but that didn't mean he didn't love her still.
"Whatever. So, pick yer poison," Adam grinned, believing her had the King of Hell by the balls. Ironic.
"Ahem," Michelle gave her former pupil a look.
"Ahhh. Do I?" Adam really didn't want to.
"YES!"
"Ugh, fine! This bites," Adam hated what he going to say next, "We're...also...willing...to..." Adam choked on each word.
"SPILL!"
"Offer a ten-year cease-fire if you hand over the fuckwad to Michelle," Adam finally finished, his mouth feeling very dirty.
"Huh? Why?"
"Ask her," Adam told the Morningstar. Oh, he felt like throwing up.
"No."
The assembled group all looked at Charlie's bodyguard and before anything else could be said, everyone watched as she approached Adam with no fear. Lucifer was starting to have his suspicions about the demoness for hire and gave his daughter a look. One that Charlie avoided awkwardly.
"What's yer beef, bitch?" he did admit she had a rocking bod though. But instead of answering, everyone watched as the demoness made some hand gestures before she had them in front of Adam.
"What is this? Some weird demon game you guys play?" Adam asked, "Ugh, whatever. Ummm...Left!"
SMACK!
Adam was struck with the right hand.
CRASH!
And into the wall.
"THE FUCK BITCH!" ignoring the fact that he was now in Hell.
"hehehehehehe heheheheheheHEHEHAHAHA HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA HAHAHA!"
Adam's eyes were comically wide on his mask. Lute was torn between fighting and fleeing, forgetting that she wasn't in hell. And when a puff of white smoke dispersed Naruto's disguise, Michelle looked ready to jump him.
"If I'm the bitch, why do you have the mark of one?" Naruto grinned.
"I'LL KILL-"
"You'll do NOTHING!" Naruto grabbed Adam's head, bringing the First Man close to him, his whisker marks growing thicker, his fangs feral and his eyes piercing into his soul, "You think you scare me? Oh, no. Worm shit is scarier than you. You? You're just a child throwing a tantrum because he's not getting what he wants. You think you know what scary is? I've faced beings who have turned hundreds of thousands of worlds to DUST to protect those I love. I've faced conquerors, killers, walking calamities, demi-gods, and gods themselves. Do you know what happened? I STRODE ACROSS THEIR BONES AND BASKED IN THE GLORY OF THEIR DEFEAT. I CONQUERED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM AND SENT THEM PACKING LIKE THE LITTLE INSIGNIFICANT BITCHES THAT THEY WERE!"
The supernova that was Naruto's power was once more felt across all of Hell, and even Heaven felt it, and they trembled at the majesty of it all. Adam was positively catatonic and only Lucifer and Michelle could withstand the pressure, and even then the former's knees looked ready to give in. Charlie was only conscious thanks to her father shielding her with his own power, but her head was swimming and her breathing heavy regardless. Michelle was biting her lip, her cheeks flushed, and her blood pumping unlike ever before. And just as quickly did that power go away.
"So, bring yer armies and bring yer dogs. I'll send you bitches packing just like the rest," Naruto's grin was positively evil.
Michelle couldn't take in any longer, "MINE!"
"What? WOAH!" both Lucifer and Naruto answered as one as Michelle jumped on the blond, his back to the ground as the nearly eleven-foot heavenly woman straddled his waist.
"FUCK ME!" Michelle ordered ripping off her top and exposing everything in all their magnificent glory.
"OH, GOD MY EYES!"
"LET GO OF MY PANTS!"
"PANTS OFF NOW!" Michelle ordered.
"GET OFF MY SISTER!"
"YOU BLIND?! SHE'S ON ME!"
RIP! Naruto's momentary distraction allowed Michelle to succeed in her goal.
And everyone in the room that wasn't Naruto had bulging eyes.
"Oh, you're fucking kidding me!?" Adam couldn't believe it; Lute's jaw hit the floor.
"YES! JACKPOT!" Michelle licked her lips!
"BLEACH! I NEED BLEACH!" Lucifer shouted.
"OH, GOD!" Charlie covered her eyes, her entire face was redder than her suit.
Suffice it to say, the meeting didn't go as the Princess of Hell hoped it would.
(Sometime Later)
Angel scrolled through his phone, lazing on the couch when he heard the doors of the hotel open and saw the Princess of Hell walk to the bar, "So, how'd it go?"
He already knew the answer. What he didn't expect was the following to come out of Charlie's mouth, "Husk, our strongest stuff, and keep them coming!"
"Sorry, fresh out," everyone present had already seen the news regarding Extermination Day's new schedule. The group had beaten her to it.
"Emergency stash?"
"Gone too."
"Ugh," Charlie slammed her head on the bar. This day could not get any worse.
"What a dump."
"Will you stop following me!"
Oh, wait, it could.
Everyone looked and then froze when they saw a very tall Archangel walk into their hotel.
"Stab! Stab! Stab!Stab!Stab! Damn it! I'll get you next time, Roach 28! Ahahahaha!" Niffty looked up from her position and upon spotting Michelle asked, "Who's she?"
"Guys, aunty Michelle. Aunty Michelle, guys," Charlie half-heartedly introduced, "She'll be staying with us."
"WHAT?!"
"I'M OUT!" Rent-free or not, no way was Angel staying in a place with a freaking Archangel.
"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" Husk didn't care if Alastor tore his soul apart.
Fate had other plans as the wall to the Hotel was suddenly blown up!
"OH, WHAT THE FUCK NOW!?"
"Show yourself Alasssstor. Come and face... Oh, there you are. Face the wrath of the great Ssssssir Pentiousssss!"
"Who are you?" Alastor was heard asking.
"I just told you who I am! Ssssssir Pentiousssss! Inventor, architect of dessstruction, villain extraordinaire!" Pentious boasted.
"Ha, well if all that's true, you'd think I'd have heard of you."
Sir Pentious couldn't believe this, "I attacked you just last week!"
...
"We've done battle, like... twenty times!"
"Hmm, well, you must have been really bad at this. I can't recall you," Alastor mocked the snake-like demon.
Pentious couldn't take it any longer, "Silence! Now cower! For when I've ssslain you, the almighty Vees will finally acknowledge me as thei-OH SHIT! ABORT! REVERSE! REVERSE! REVERSE!"
Alastor couldn't tell if it was because the un-note-worthy sinner spotted the Angelslayer, or if it was Archangel Michelle, or both. But Pentious didn't get very far as Michelle shot down the zeppelin with a single blast of divine energy with a gun-like motion of her fingers. The dirigible didn't blow up but the sizeable hole in its side did prevent it from staying afloat and Pentious unceremoniously fell to the ground right in front of the Radio Demon as his machine crashed off to the side.
"Thanks for another forgettable experience!"
"Ttthhaannkkk yyyooouu...For letting your guard down! Aha!" Pentious gloated, having torn off a piece of Alastor's suit. Big mistake, for the Radio Demon was less than pleased by the lack of proper conduct, "Oh, shit!"
KABOOM!
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" the snake was sent flying into the distance.
"Well, it looks like I'm off to the tailor. Best of luck chums! Lady Michelle," Alastor bowed to the Archangel.
"Wait, you're leaving? Alastor we need your help!" Vaggie told him.
"We need a wall?" Angel added.
"Of course! Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already. What would the papers say?!" with a snap of his fingers, black ink demons with construction tools appeared and as Alastor walked away, Angel took an interest in one of them and began flirting.
All of which was being observed by a VoxTek drone.
"Are you seeing this? Look how he flirts with that guy, and he's not even paying! Who is that? I'm gonna fucking kill his whole fucking family! Vox?"
...
"VOX!" Valentino called him out once more but once again got no reply from his fellow Vee.
...
"The fuck is wrong with you!?" Valentino reached his colleague and on-and-off-again lover and saw that Vox's face had frozen with rainbow-coloured bars. Confused, Valentino looked at the screen in front of the Television Demon, and understanding soon dawned.
"FUCK!" Valentino exclaimed.
Wham! The door leading to the room suddenly opened to reveal the youngest of the trio, and the youngest overlord in general.
"What the bloody 'ell is up with you two shits! Another lovers quarrel?" Velvette was getting sick and tired of them.
...
...
Neither one of her fellow Vees replied, "Oi, are you two listenen'?"
...
...
"Uh...'ello?" moving towards them, Velvette saw that both of them were in a daze.
"The fuck 'appen to you sorry tos-EEEEEEHHH!" Velvette squealed, harshly pushing her colleagues out of her way, her eyes glued to the screen, and bringing them out of their funk involuntarily, "'Ello, gorgeous!"
"Oh, my fucking head!" Vox couldn't recall the last time he had such a harsh reboot. What happened? Oh, right, that fucker Alastor was back! After seven years his old rival had the nerve to show his fucking face after what happened. Not on his watch! "Vel, move!"
"Piss off ya poof!" was her reply, as she fiddled with the controls, "How the fuck do you use these bloody things?"
"Don't touch that!" Vox ordered.
"Wait, I found the zoom!" Vel said as her target's form started to become clearer and clearer.
"THAT'S NOT THE ZOOM!" what she was actually doing was bringing the drone closer to the Angelslayer instead.
Bonk!
Oops! Too close.
"Ow!" Naruto glared into the screen, his arm raised.
"Nonononono!" Vox tried to prevent what was about to happen. And could do nothing to stop it.
Smash!
Beeeeeeep!
"Fuuuuck!" Vox wailed, his machine no more than scrap now, "Do you have any idea how expensive that was?!"
"Don't care. Build another. We can afford it," Velvette told him.
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" sure it was chump change but it was also the principal of it all. Not only that, they may have pissed off the Angelslayer just because Velvette wanted a closer look for her social network. Fortunately, the recordings were uploaded to their network.
"Fuck, fuck, FUCK!" both Vox and Velvette turned to Valentino who had gone full demon, red wisps furiously swirling around his form until they engulfed him completely and then flew out the window.
"Where's piss baby going?"
"Shit!" Vox had an idea. Valentino wasn't exactly the sharpest tool at times and that anger beat whatever common sense he had into oblivion whenever it got the best of him. And if Valentino did what Vox assumed he was doing, he needed to be stopped before he got himself killed, or worse, destroyed everything the Vees built.
"Salutations~Good to be back on the air~" Vox and Velvette suddenly heard.
"Is that who I think it is?" Velvette got her answer just by looking at Vox's angry face.
"FUUUCCCKKK!"
"FIGHT ME!" Michelle shouted once more.
"DON'T WANNA!" Naruto shouted back. He had no intention of fighting her, especially after she tried forcing herself on him. This woman was crazy!
"So, uh, wat's with her?" Angel Dust asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Charlie said, nursing a shot.
"You know that still yer first glass, right?" Angel revealed, "C'mon, ain't yous da one who's always going on about sharen' and all that touchy-feely crap?"
Charlie groaned, hating having her own words thrown back at her.
"So, what's dis about?"
"She wants to have sex with him. Almost did at the embassy too," Charlie finally revealed.
"...HA! Good one, toots! Hehehe...he...eh?" Angel Dust saw that Charlie wasn't laughing, "You're shittin' me! ... You're not shittin' me?"
"MAKE LOVE TO ME!" everyone heard Michelle shout.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Nooo. No, I am not," Charlie sorely wished she was. Oh, she had nothing against romance, and if an angel could love a demon she was all for it, but seeing her aunt try to go to town with someone right before her eyes was more than a bit much for her taste. Her father hadn't said a word either after the meeting ended.
"Dang! Way ta go stud!" Angel raised his bottle, "Must be damn impressive if she's chasin 'im dis hard."
"You have no idea."
Angel looked stunned, "... Wait, what? Fer real?"
"Babe, how do you know that?" Vaggie asked her girlfriend.
Charlie, having realized she said that out loud, finally downed her shot, "Ano-hic!-ther!"
"This outta be good," Husk smiled and poured the princess another shot.
"Oh, come on! Don't leave me hangin'. Spill!"
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Oh, thank God. A distraction.
"Ughh, what now?" Vaggie opened the door and wished she hadn't.
"Out of my way slag!" Angel froze, recognizing the voice.
"Val? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I'M HERE FOR YOU! YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!" Valentino declared, grabbing Angel by the arm.
"Ow, hey! Da fuck's yer problem?!" Valentino wasn't usually this forceful. Sure, he could be, but something had to have thrown him off the deep end for the Porno Demon to come and get him guns ablazin'.
"You think I don't know what you're up to? You think I don't see what's happening here? Shacking up with Lucifer's little princessa so you don't have to come work for me anymore?"
"Dat's not-" Angel was slapped by the owner of his soul.
"Well, that's not fucking happening! You're leaving! And you're not going anywhere unless I say so from now on!"
"HEY!"
Everyone looked at Naruto, and the angry look on his face.
"The fuck you just say to me!" it was clear that Valentino's anger had gotten the best of him, otherwise he would have realized the shit he was stepping in, "Fuck off! This is between me, and this little slut! I own him! I can do whatever the fuck I want to him, and make him do what I want! When I say 'come', you say?"
"Yes, Valentino," Angel choked, and Naruto looked livid, summoning Michelle's sword as he made his way to slice the overlord in two.
"And when I say 'you're fucking twenty guys before lunch' you say?"
"Y-yes, Valentino," Angel's voice broke.
"Fucken-A! Don't forget, Anthony," a wisp of smoke appeared, a collar and chain appearing on Angel's neck, attached to a contract, "You're mine!"
"HAAAAHH!"
Valentino turned just in time to see Naruto swing the sword, the overlord using the parchment as a shield. Soul contracts were indestructible, nothing could damage them, making them the ultimate defense and protecting Valentino from harm.
Naruto's arms felt heavier than he could remember them to be, then his legs, and then his head, until finally, his entire being felt like lead, until he spun and fell to a knee dead tired, forcing him to use Michelle's sword to keep him steady, his eyes never leaving Valentino.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha. Nice try~" Valentino mocked, smug by the outcome of what just happened.
Crack!
Then everything went to shit.
Everyone watched as a crack, followed by another, and then another, and another, until finally the soul-binding parchment fell apart like glass and then dissolved into nothingness. The chain around Angel's neck began to disintegrate and each link vanished until it finally reached the collar until it too was no more than dust.
Once again, Uzumaki Naruto had performed the impossible. And the implication of it all finally settled in.
"I'm ... free? ... I'm free...Ha... HA...HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M FREEEE!" Angel shouted for all to hear, "Fuck you, Valentino!"
Those were the only words Naruto managed to hear before he lost consciousness despite his efforts.
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!" Valentino declared, whipping out his gun. A gun Michelle and Vaggie instantly recognized.
"ANGELIC GUN!"
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
"Pfft...Pwahahahahaha!" Michelle began laughing confusing everyone.
"THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!" Valentino snarled.
"You and how fucking stupid you are," Michelle declared, ignoring the bullets that struck her that were no more than a tickle.
"Wha' she doing?" Angel asked from his cover.
"Keep your head down!" Vaggie pulled down the freed pornstar
"CharChar!" everyone blinked at the nickname, "It's safe to come out."
"You nuts! That's an angel gun!"
"Yeah, and it's useless without the bullets," an angelic gun was only lethal if it had the corresponding bullets, otherwise it was nothing more than a fancy peashooter. Sure, ordinary bullets would hurt even worse through them, but that was it. Furthermore, basic angelic weapons couldn't hurt an Archangel such as Michelle. Guns would sting like a bitch, but even it would take much more than that to take her down. Even a shot to the head wouldn't be fatal for her. At best it would slow her down.
"YOU CUNT!"
Bang!
Clang!
...
Clang?
The sword of Michelle was aloft, blocking the bullet that was shot, the weapon still held in Naruto's hand. The blond twitched, his body becoming covered in red, and watched in fascination as he rose off the ground and began to change. His blond hair became a dark crimson red, his body growing taller, his hair going down his back, his face more regal, and his ears disappearing. In short, it was like a male version of that womanly disguise he took.
"Final-Fucking-ly," Naruto smiled, but the voice that escaped his mouth wasn't his own everyone noted.
"Naruto?"
"The brat's taking a nap. Name's Kurama."
Legend of the Kyuubi
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Chapter Two: Break Downs
Vox finally arrived at the hotel that Little Miss Sunshine and Rainbows, better known as Charlie Morningstar, was using to try and redeem sinners. Pft! A waste of time and it made her look like the biggest idiot in all of the Seven Rings and beyond in Vox's opinion.
But the distraction by Alastor's voice as it appeared once more on the air had delayed his departure. His hate for his old rival had gotten the best of him much like Valentino.
While radio wasn't as popular a format any longer compared to television and other mediums, there were still some groups in Hell that were stuck in their ways from their time period. Cannibal Town, Old New York, and Sin City were the three major ones he had not successfully penetrated despite his efforts. Vox couldn't allow the Radio Demon to regain the attention of the masses from his seven-year absence. Many likely wouldn't listen, but Vox couldn't take that chance; he had no intention of sharing the spotlight with Alastor anymore!
But their brief broadcast skirmish hadn't gone well for Vox. Vox's medium might be more popular, but Alastor hadn't lost his touch despite his sudden departure. It unnerved Vox to no end.
Alastor couldn't be allowed to make any deals with Charlie Morningstar, the Radio Demon staying at her hotel was already bad enough. The possibility of the Radio Demon having the daughter of the King of Hell in his pocket was worse.
If only it ended there.
Learning that the Angelslayer and the Right Hand of God were also there had caused him to freeze, Vox recalled. Alastor was bad enough. The addition of the other two was a nightmare of untold fuckery! So, now Vox had to make certain that his on-and-off-again lover didn't fuck up everything they built.
If Valentino died, well, that would be very unfortunate and a blow to the Vees, but it was livable. Usually, when a demon died and they held soul contracts to their name, those contracts became null and void. But the more powerful and innovative demons knew there were ways around that. When the Vees formed their unholy alliance, any contract made by one of the Vees would go to a surviving Vee if they died, provided that they didn't die by one of the Vees hands in any shape or form.
Having their media empire go in flames? Vox would kill the Porno Demon with his own hands.
KABOOM!
Vox turned himself into pure energy and managed to get out of harm's way. The area where he once stood now sporting a battered Valentino. Getting a closer look, Vox was stunned by the state of the incredibly tall moth-like demon. He was bruised, one of his arms was missing, another was at an awkward angle and most definitely broken, his glasses were gone, his suit singed and he sported a nasty gash to the point Vox could see part of his intestines.
"F-f-u-u-ck," Valentino managed to gasp before he lost consciousness.
Looking back at the Hotel, Vox saw a pair of dark red glowing eyes coming piercing through the smoke and dust and found himself scared shitless. The Television Demon knew he was outmatched and grabbed his fellow Vee and turned both of them into pure energy to escape through the nearby powerlines.
"Well, that was boring," spoke Kurama, the demon fox had been hoping for a challenge. That had been anything but. Picking shit out of his ear was more challenging. Whirling around, Kurama spotted a group of confused hotel residents, "Yo!"
"Who da fuck are you!?" Angel summed up all their thoughts.
"Got wax in your ear, kid? Name's Kurama. Ooh, arm! I'm starving!"
Everyone watched in morbid fascination as Kurama grabbed one of the arms he had ripped off Valentino and proceeded to devour the entire thing, bone and all, "Hmm. Could have used some hot sauce."
"Again, da fuck!"
"What have you done with my beloved!" Michelle demanded, her discarded sword once more in her hands.
"Like I said, the brat's taking a nap. That stunt he pulled earlier exhausted him," Kurama had no idea why but he was curious. Naruto was a stamina demon of epic proportions. Fortunately, said stunt also enabled Kurama to make himself known to the world once more.
"What are you? A parasite? Can I stab you?" Niffty asked.
"PARASITE!?" Kurama bellowed, the shout knocking everyone except Michelle on their asses, and sending the small one-eyed demon slamming into the wall.
"Yay! Pain!" Niffty cheered, rushing back to her previous spot, "Do it again!"
"... You're not exactly all there are you, short stack?" well, if that's what she wanted, who was he to argue with?
"Flatterer," Niffty blushed.
"Niffty, step away from the ...whatever he is," ordered Vaggie.
"Why?"
"Because...uh... because you have debris to clean up!" Vaggie pointed at the damaged wall the mini-cyclops crashed into.
"Oh, my!" fortunately Niffty bought the excuse and swiftly began cleaning up the mess.
"Brat still keeps interesting company it seems," Kurama commented, and then his form wavered, "Ah, shit. Looks like my times up."
"Uh, are you okay?" Charlie asked, worried and confused.
"It's fine. Do me and the brat a favor will ya? Keep an eye on us... Thanks," Kurama surmised that whatever left Naruto drained also had an effect on him as well. Unable to hold it off any longer, Kurama's form shifted before it reverted back into Naruto's
Thud!
And then proceeded to fall face-first to the ground.
...
"... One of us probably should have caught 'im," Angel Dust broke the ice.
"I'm a bartender. Not a fucking trust exercise coordinator," Husk told Angel. The former overlord's comment gave Charlie an idea for later.
"Darling!" the group heard Michelle call out, rushing to Naruto's downed form and carrying him bridal style.
"Okay, that's just messed up on so many levels," Husk commented.
"Ha! Guess we know who's the top and who's the bottom," it was funny as hell in Angel's opinion.
"Woah, woah, woah, woah! Where do you think you're going," Vaggie asked when she saw Michelle made for the exit.
"Uh, Heaven? Where else would I go? Hell is no place for him to recuperate," Michelle stated as a matter of fact, "It's not like you have any hospitals."
"We have hospitals!" Charlie told her aunt. Not much given demons would heal on their own and put themselves back together but the more messed up one was the longer it took. Hence hospitals were made to speed up the process.
"We do? First time I'm hearing of it," Angel said.
"Okay, seriously! How is it that you've been here longer than me but I know more than you?" Vaggie asked and got a nonchalant shrug from the freed spider demon.
"I mean hospitals where you get properly healed instead of looking like a Picasso painting afterwards," Michelle elaborated. She might not know much about Hell but she knew some things. Eight out of ten hospitals in Hell were more Frankenstein-related in terms of treatment unless it came to treating demons at the top of the hierarchy.
"Oh... Yeah, we don't have those," Charlie admitted, "But Vaggie's right! You can't take him to Heaven. Pretty sure demons aren't allowed up there."
"Uh, I'm an archangel, remember? We're second in command up there only to dad. Pretty sure they're not gonna have much of a say in the matter," Michelle explained.
"True," again, Charlie couldn't dispute that, "But how do you think Naruto will react when he realizes he's there? He's not exactly Heaven's biggest fan," and vice versa, too.
On that, Michelle couldn't come up with an excuse, "Ugh, fine! Where's our room?"
"Right this-Wait a minute. Our room?" since when did that happen, Charlie wondered.
"It's only natural your future uncle and I stay in the same room," Michelle beamed, saying it as though it were a matter of fact.
Future uncle?!
"Uh, ain't you like a million years old or someting? Fugget robbin' the cradle, your robbin' the freaken' fetus," Angel pointed out.
There was an image everyone could sorely do without.
"It's impolite to ask a lady her age. Besides, Lilith's not even a fraction as old as Luci," Michelle pointed out. And she knew Lilith wore the pants in that relationship.
Angel conceded to that but it also led to more questions he had.
But first, some celebratory blow for his newfound freedom.
(Sometime Later)
"DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MUCH YOU FUCKED UP!" Vox furiously exploded, not caring that Valentino was still recovering and bandaged up.
"I-"
"NO! You don't talk! You sit your ass and keep your fucking mouth shut until I tell you. I don't want to hear any of your bullshit! The only reason you're still alive is because nobody knows what happened," no one lived close to the Princess of Hell's hotel so no one knew what went on. If anything the Vees could simply spin it as Pentious attacking them.
"I get Angel's a hot commodity and he makes us good money, but wat the bloody fucken' 'ell were you thinking?! Oh, wait, I forgot, you need a brain for that," Velvette insulted her fellow Vee, "Because, if you had a brain, you wouldn't have attacked the Angelslaying Stud or the bloody fucking archangel if you did."
"Thank you, Velvette," Vox acknowledged, "You're lucky to be alive, Val. Lucky I got there before the Angelslayer-"
"It wasn't the fucking Angelslayer!"
"What did I...Come again?"
"Wait, you went after the colour-blind bitch? The archangel?! Oh, brilliant. Well, we're more fucked than a penny-pence whore," Velvette surmised.
"Wasn't that bitch either! Gah!" Valentino winced, his stomach wound flaring up something fierce, "It was someone else. Some shit called...Oh, fuck, what was his name? Kura? Mana? Hakuna? Oh, who fucking cares! Point is, Little Miss Sunshine's got herself some bodyguards she can hide behind. And one of them came out of the fucking Angelslayer."
"... Okay, back the fuck up. You're telling me something came out of the Angelslayer?" that was new.
"You taking the piss?"
"I FUCKING KNOW WHAT I SAW!" Valentino shouted, groaning once more, "After I started shooting-"
"YOU FUCKING SHOT AT THEM!?" Vox knew Valentino had an angelic weapon but didn't believe he was that stupid. If Lucifer learned of this they'd have more than a handful to deal with.
"I'm gonna kill 'im. I'm gonna fucken' kill 'im!" Velvette would go through with it. She was the backbone of the trio for a reason.
"The gun did fuck all!"
"What? How? Angelic guns are ... you stupid fuck," Vox realized what happened, "You used ordinary bullets!"
"How was I supposed to know angel bullets were needed?"
"Everyone knows that piss-for-brains!" Velvette couldn't believe it. She felt her IQ going down just listening to this.
"Whatever! Anyway, once I learned the gun was fucking useless, this fuck all of a sudden starts coming out of the Angelslayer, or took over his body, or whatever the fuck he did, and the next thing I know I lose a fucking arm and my guts are hanging out! "
"You're welcome by the way," Vox still never got a thanks for saving the moth demon's stupid ass.
"What I'm curious about is why you started shooting," sure, Valentino didn't really need a reason to do so given his sadistic tendencies, but Velvette had to ask, "Weren't you jus' getting Angel?"
"BECAUSE THAT FUCKING CUNT DESTROYED MY CONTRACT WITH ANGEL!" Valentino coughed up blood and was forced to lie down.
"...What did you just say," Vox whispered, not believing what he just heard.
"You heard me."
"That's impossible! Soul contracts are indestructible! Did 'e force you to rip up Angel's contract?" Velvette could see Valentino losing his shit if he did.
"No! He broke the damn thing with a fucking sword," Valentino elaborated.
Vox was contemplative. This was bad news. But it was also an opportunity, "You said the Angelslayer lost consciousness, right? Did that happen after the contract was destroyed?"
Valentino nodded, "Right after. Prick fell to his knees and then passed out."
"What are you thinking, Vox?" sure, the Angelslayer was fine eye candy and hot shit right now but the revelation made her wary. Anyone with the power to destroy something as powerful as soul contracts was someone you didn't want to cross. Only the King of Hell was believed to have that power, not that it was ever proven.
"Well, the Angelslayer is shacking up with Lucifer's brat in that little hotel of hers, and that airhead is trying to redeem sinners-"
"What's your point?"
"My point, my dear Velvette, is this. Destroying the contract clearly left the Angelslayer weak and vulnerable. Unfortunately, this...entity he has inside him acts as a defense of sorts. So, attacking him directly isn't going to work. Even more, if he recovers. Now, we might have been able to get Lucifer to do something about this but SOMEONE just had to start shooting an angelic weapon at his daughter!" Vox glared at Valentino, who looked unrepentant, "So that ship's sailed. But what if we destroy his reputation instead? Make it so that people don't want to go to him? Most already don't. They're scared of him," Vox explained.
"That's true," being the social network expert of the three Velvette knew that while many respected the Angelslayer for what he did, that was outweighed by their fear of him. Powerful demons like the Sins, the Goetia, the Royal Family, and the other high-class hellborn weren't exactly individuals people would approach given their standing and reputation. Even the overlords had that kind of rep. And it was clear that the Angelslayer was above them. How, was a question Velvette was dying to know.
"So, we discreetly make everyone in Hell aware of what he can do and the implications. We'll start with our fellow overlords, let their fear of losing their hold over their underlings and they'll prevent any they have under contract with from going to him. A little fib here and there and no one will go near that place. Hell, even if any under contract does go to him it's unlikely he'll be able to repeat the process quickly enough for their liking. They'll hate his guts for that alone," eighty percent of sinners in the Pride Ring were under contract with someone anyway. And the rest that weren't? Well, most unlikely had any desire to redeem themselves anyway. Most were in Hell because they deserved it anyway.
"But we need more information. We need someone on the inside. And clearly, Angel's out," the freed pornstar would unlikely be willing to spy for them. Especially with how Valentino treated the whore at times.
"Someone pathetic, desperate, but with no direct ties to us?" while she was the backbone of the trio, Velvette didn't like this, it was risky, to say the least. They were going to go against a very powerful individual with thought to be impossible capabilities. That said, she also didn't want to lose any of the power and privilege she painstakingly acquired over the years.
"I employ every down-on-their-luck loser this side of Hell. Who the fuck is left?" Valentino added.
Vox laughed. He knew just the one.
"Besides, this shit needs to be taught a lesson! He fucking robbed Angel from me! I made him! ME! Contract or not he belongs to me!"
"All in due time, Val," Vox placated, "Angel's gone, for now. Going after him isn't the answer. We need to make him come to us. Is there anything you have over him that leaves Angel with no choice but to come crawling back?"
"Ha! Unlikely. That lanky prick...Wait...Ohohohoho. Actually, there may be one," Valentino had a vicious grin. Oh, this was gonna be fun. And when he did come crawling back, Valentino was gonna make Angel suck his steel cock for..."Hey! Where the fuck's my gun?"
(Almost Five Hours Later)
"Admit it, I make dis thing look sexy wit me," Angel held the angelic weapon as though it were a toy. The words 'Valentino' were inscribed on the side of the barrel. The spider demon had gone outside for some fresh air, and to clear his inflamed nostrils when he found it. Apparently, Naruto had switched every stash he had with itching powder. Bastard! Were Naruto not recuperating and the fact that Angel owed the blond stud big-time the spider-demon would have gotten back at him.
"Angel, put the gun down nice and easy," a nervous Charlie asked while she and everyone else were taking cover behind whatever they could.
"Uh, did ya fugget that dis ting's useless without angel bullets?" Angel pointed out.
"It's still a gun," Vaggie reasoned. Sure, it wouldn't kill them without said bullets but it would still hurt like hell. Gunshot wounds hurt regardless of who one was. More so since it was a holy weapon.
"Killjoy," Angel muttered, putting the weapon away.
"Why you still here anyway?" Husk asked, "Thought that without your leash you'd have fucked off already," Husk was gonna have to ask Naruto if he could do the same to him.
"I'm unemployed, broke, and I got no place to stay. Where da fuck am I supposed to go?" Angel pointed out.
"A ditch?" it was a fair point, but it was better than here where he annoyed Husk every damn day.
"Fuck you, Whiskers! You know you'd miss this," Angel posed.
"I'd miss you like I'd miss flea bites!" that had not been a fun experience.
"You sure it weren't herpes?"
"Grrr," Husk looked ready to throttle the spider-demon.
"Angel, let Husk do his job. And Husk...try not to give Angel an opening," Vaggie advised.
"I can fill it if he-"
"DON'T YOU DARE!" neither Husk nor Vaggie wanted that image in their heads.
"What's with the yelling?"
Everyone looked to the second floor and saw Naruto along with Michelle, and, to their surprise, the being that had come out of him.
"Hello, gorgeous," Angel cat called.
Kurama blinked, and then looked at Naruto, "Can I eat him?"
"No! I'm still pissed you did that in my body!" Naruto had thrown up when he learned of it. All that ramen, gone.
"Eat me? Well, ain't you kinky!"
Kurama had a tick mark, "Can I at least maul him?"
Naruto paused, "...I'll think about it," if only to get Angel to stop flirting with him.
Kurama's fanged grin exceeded Alastor's; Angel wasn't so sure of himself right now.
"Naruto! You should be resting!"
"I'm fine. I heal pretty quickly," Naruto waved Charlie off, "It's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal! You destroyed a fucking soul contract!"
"...Yeah? So?" Again, Naruto didn't understand why that was a big deal.
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO! THEY'RE INDESTRUCTIBLE!" Vaggie could not believe how nonchalant he was about this.
"Vaggie's right. Only the contractor can do that," Charlie told him.
"Trust me. You'll quickly learn that impossible doesn't mean shit to this brat," Kurama knew that from experience.
"...That doesn't make any damn sense!"
"Tell me about it," Kurama had long ago given up on trying to understand it.
"I think I know, darling," Michelle interjected, and all eyes were now on her, "My sword."
"Your sword?"
"An archangel's weapon is an immensely powerful artifact. Few things exceed them in terms of raw power. If angel weapons are bunker-buster missiles, then archangel weapons are Tsar Bomba nukes," Michelle explained and all but Naruto and Kurama understood the reference. Well, the nuke part they understood.
"Fuck," Vaggie heard of overkill but this was uberkill.
"So, that sword is what destroyed the contract?" Husk eyed the weapon.
"Yes. But to use that level of destructive capability is something only a being with Archangel-level power or more can do. If anyone else tried, they'd kick the bucket well before they even got close," which only served as a further testament to Naruto's immense power.
"Shit," there went Husk's plan.
"Either way...thanks," Angel was more than grateful.
His contract had been made as a way for him to get fame, and he got it but Valentino had placed a lot of clauses and sub-clauses that Angel had been ignorant of. It made him the moth demon's bitch for years, forcing him to endure constant abuse, and forcing him to come up with anything he could to try and convince Valentino to drop him. Nothing worked. And now? Now after years of taking Val's shit, he was free in the most unexpected way.
"Angel, did you just-"
"I know wat I said! I need a shower," Angel hardly ever thanked anyone before.
"Aww! Angel, I'm so proud of you!" Charlie hugged him.
"Ugh! Do ya mind? I got a rep 'ere?!" Angel was starting to regret saying anything, "...Yer not lettin' me go are ya?"
"Nope!" Charlie held on tight despite the pornstar's attempt to remove her.
"Someone got a crowbar!? The jaws 'o life? Lube!?" Angel was struggling with his attempts to get out of Charlie's surprisingly strong grip. Even with his retractable arms, he had no luck removing her.
"Yeah, you're not getting out of that any time soon," Vaggie was enjoying this immensely, the others laughed at Angel's misfortune.
"I fucken hate you all!"
"No, you don't!" Charlie continued smiling and hugging.
"Aaaahhhh!"
"Like I said, brat. You keep interesting company," Kurama commented.
"How do you know my beloved anyway?" Michelle asked Kurama.
"You two fuck buddies or someting?" Angel stated.
"The fuck!" him and the brat? Not a chance!
"LISTEN TO NARUTO: NOT GAY!" how many times did have to repeat himself before that sunk in?
"Angel!" Charlie let go of him.
"Sucka! Knew dat would wawhk!" Angel gloated; Charlie pouted.
"First off, I am gonna maul him later," Kurama told Naruto.
"Don't let me stop you."
"And, to answer your question," Kurama looked at Michelle, "I've been with the brat ever since he was a whiny little shit."
"What does that mean?" Michelle didn't care for cryptic answers. Never had and never will.
"It means what it means," Kurama knew the answer irritated the archangel that wanted to jump Naruto's bones, "Anything else?"
"I got one. What are you?" Husk could honestly say he never met a demon like Kurama.
"I'm the Kyubi no Yoko (Nine-Tailed Demon Fox)."
"Da hell does dat mean?" Angel directed the query towards Husk.
"Japanese is rusty, but I think it means Nine-Tailed ... Demon Tiger?" Husk guessed the last word.
"Demon Fox," the fuck was a demon tiger?
"Fox? Yer a fox? Uh, no offence, but ya don't look like one. If anything ya look like a hu-Whoa-ly shit!"
Angel was eating his words as Kurama's form shifted into his usual form: an incredibly towering, orange, nine-tailed fox, one whose head reached the second floor and took up much of the space in the lobby.
"And do I NOW!" Kurama's voice echoed.
"Uh, okay, we believe you. Um, do you mind, turning back," Charlie asked. Razzle and Dazzle were growling at the giant fox, seeing him as a threat to their princess.
"Just try it, you little shits," Kurama licked his lips.
"Okay, you proved your point. Enough of that," Naruto snapped his fingers.
"No, no, no, no!" Kurama was suddenly forced back into his human form, "Damn it, brat! How many times do I have to tell you not to do that!"
"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch," Naruto heard it all before.
"How'd you do that?"
"A perk of being together for as long as we have," Naruto told them, not that it actually explained anything.
"Yeah, I'm still curious how that's even possible," Vaggie recalled Kurama telling them that he and Naruto were together since he was 'a whiny little shit' and guessed he meant baby.
"Maybe if you're good we'll tell you," Kurama patted Vaggie's hair.
"I'll explain later," Naruto promised.
"...Seriously? Why do you have to bust balls?"
"Why do you have to be a grouchy old douche?"
"Why do you have to be a little asshole!"
"Why do you-"
"Hold it. Before yous go too far, I've got a question I've been meanin' to get off ma chest for a while now," Angel Dust declared
"Okay, fine! I kissed a guy once! But that was by accident and it doesn't count! Ya happy!?"
"...Okay, good ta know, not wat I was gonna ask," Angel grinned at the reveal, "Dis is a question fer 'er."
"Me?" Michelle asked.
"Yeah. You toots."
"Um...okay. And that is?"
"Was Christ real?"
Ooh, as far as questions went, that was a good one.
"... Have to admit, I'm curious myself," Husk always wondered what the answer was.
"Christ?/Christ?" neither Naruto nor Kurama knew who that was. Both were simply confused.
Michelle looked annoyed, "Oh, for the love of... I hate being asked that question, but seeing as how you're close friends to my niece-"
"I wouldn't go dat far, but go on," Angel interrupted, which caused Charlie to whine.
"Whatever! Look, I'm only gonna say this once. Yes, and no. There was a guy called Jesus from way back when who went around healing people and did a lot of good shit but a lot of the stuff he's remembered for along with the whole a virgin giving birth to him and him being the Son of God was either blown out of proportion or just a load of made up crap to make him appear divine. And a bunch of idiots bought it. But what can you expect from a species that initially thought the Earth was flat, thought science was black magic, and intelligent women were sleeping with the Devil ... Okay, that last one wasn't too far off. Your mom and dad loved their orgi-"
"Lalalalalala! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" despite her chanting Charlie had never been so green and even Vaggie's comforting pats on the back did little to sto-Oh, God! The mental pictures just came through! She did not wish to know her mother was that limber...nor her father, for that matter.
"You didn't know? Whoops! My bad. Hehe...Oh, boy," Michelle laughed awkwardly, knowing Charlie would unlikely be able to look at her parents the same way again.
"Keep going! Dis is good shit!" Angel was loving every second of this.
"Angel!" Charlie was not. Her need to hurl now rearing its ugly head.
Fortunately for Charlie's sanity, Michelle went back to the topic at hand, "Anyway, dad didn't think the whole Jesus thing was that big a deal initially but when early Christianity began using His name as an excuse to justify some of their more vile actions the old man wasn't exactly thrilled. Especially when it came to the holy wars."
"So, he was pissed, huh?"
"He allowed the Four Horsemen to go nuts during the Dark and Middle Ages. That was a little over a millennium. 'nough said," Michelle told a flabbergasted group. Again, Naruto and Kurama had no idea what they were talking about.
"Shit!" and Angel thought Val could be vindictive.
"Yeah, the old man's punishments can be…harsh, to put it lightly. Countless centuries later and the asses of the archangels still flare up every once in a while. Trust me. You don't want to be spanked by God," Michelle knew firsthand that it hurt, a lot.
"I wouldn't mind," Angel said salaciously.
"...I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and give you one free pass," the look in Michelle's eye told Angel not to test her.
"Got it!" was the spider demon's wise response.
"Why would you want to get spanked anyway?" Michelle was confused, her experience with sex was very limited to the basics. Top and bottom.
"Seriously? Ya don't know?" at her shake of the head, Angel smiled, "It's a sex thing. Spices things up and wit da right partner can be a real turn-on in the bedroom!" Angel explained, a recollection of past activities going through his mind.
"Really? It makes you feel good?" a curious Michelle looked at Naruto.
"No."
"Okay, yous sure yer straight?" Angel Dust had never met a guy who would pass off the opportunity to have sex when it was literally jumping in his lap.
"I had a wife and five kids!"
"Ha! Good cover!" wouldn't be the first time Angel heard that excuse.
"For the last time, Angel! I. AM. STRAIGHT!" Naruto didn't know how often he'd have to repeat himself until that got through.
"Ya sure?" Angel was skeptical.
"As sure as those two are a couple," Naruto pointed at Vaggie and Charlie.
"You're gay?" Michelle looked at her niece.
"Oh, uh, bi, actually," Charlie told her aunt, not knowing how she'd react.
"Oh, don't get me wrong. We've got more than a few of those in Heaven. Not much but we do," that caused everyone but Naruto and Kurama to blink.
"Wait, so, gays can get in ta Heaven? I thought that was like going against yer morals or some shit?" Angel knew that most of Hell's population were either gay, bi, or something like that while straight people were in the minority so he just assumed.
"Well, I mean, it was in the beginning but it wasn't enough to stop someone from getting in."
"What about premarital sex?"
"Ha! Please. More than three-fifths of Heaven's population had sex before marriage," Michelle told them.
Huh, interesting, were the thoughts of many present. Again, Naruto and Kurama were ignorant.
"You seriously didn't know?"
"It's not like Heaven sends us a newsletter or pamphlet on the dos and don'ts. Why would we?" Charlie asked her aunt.
"Well, you're dating an angel. I just assumed she would have told you this."
Everyone stopped what they were doing, their eyes whipping to Vaggie who was trying to make herself look small.
"...Vaggie?"
"...Oh, shit, you didn't know," Fuck!
Needless to say, it was clear that Michelle was very bad when it came to making assumptions.
(Meanwhile In Heaven)
"God damn it!" okay, so Adam was starting to realize that while getting the go-ahead to use the leviathans was one thing, learning how to get said leviathans to listen to them was easier said than done.
"That's the fifth exterminator we lost in the last hour, sir," Lute stated.
"Oh, really, I couldn't fucking tell!" but they had no choice. Sera gave him only one chance. One! If the next Extermination failed then that was it.
No more Extermination Day. No bi-annual or annual trips to Hell to have their fun. Nadda! If he and his bitches fucked up again, that was it.
And Adam wasn't having it! He loved killing demons. Loved how they begged for mercy, how they died, how they hopelessly fled for their loves! And there was one demon in particular he wished to see dead more than any. Adam was hard just thinking about it! The First Man made a mental note to have one of his bitches, or two, come see him later. He had done it with Lute as she was his most devoted but Adam regretted doing so. Lute got clingy. Adam didn't do clingy.
"Trouble Adam?"
"Woah! Jesus, Sera you gotta stop doing that!" Adam exclaimed, hating it whenever she pulled that stunt.
"Your Highness," Lute bowed to the High Seraphim, "It's barely been a day. We have time to make leeway."
"Oh, God, help!"
CRUNCH.
Well, there went exterminator number six.
Sera wasn't convinced and had a look of disgust as her gaze landed upon the vilest of God's creatures. Initially nothing more than the size of a wolf, the leviathans had mutated thanks to Lucifer's folly. Now they were incredibly large quadruped and biped-like creatures that lacked eyes, had pickle-green skin with red marks, immense jaws that dripped an acidic drool, and jagged yellow teeth inside and even outside their mouths, many of which were broken. They were abominations. She couldn't understand why the Almighty didn't wipe them out. She already had reservations when it came to the Purge, necessary evil though it was given Hell's ever-expending populace, but had even greater reservations when it came to allowing Adam and the army to use the leviathans. To say they were dangerous was like saying archangels were strong. Huge understatement.
Speaking of which, "Have you heard anything from Lady Michelle."
"Not since she tried fucking the demon prick in front of us," Adam had been mad about that on so many levels.
"I read the report," it confused Sera to no end why Lady Michelle would debase herself that way, but it wasn't her place to question the methods of the archangels. They were an odd bunch, to be certain. Powerful, but odd. But the revelation of such a demon, a supposed sinner no less, with that much power, unnerved the High Seraphim greatly.
CRUNCH!
"Oh, God, my legs! My legs!" and now number seven was crippled. Meh! She didn't need legs to fight.
"For your sake, I'd better see results in three months time. If not, I won't allow it to go through. Three months, Adam," Sera told him.
"Got it!"
"It will be done Your Highness," Lute bowed.
Sera said no more and disappeared in a show of light.
"We won't be able to do this in three months."
"You wanna FUCKING SAY THAT AGAIN!" Adam grabbed Lute.
"I don't want to admit it either, sir. I'd rather shove a broken sword up my ass!"
"Woah, fuck sakes, Lute. TMI," Adam didn't need to know that.
"Sir, the leviathans are powerful creatures that even the archangels are weary of and they are the only ones who can even remotely control them."
"You saying I can't!"
"I'm saying, sir, that we might need to consider getting help," Lute said.
"That's just another way of saying I can't fucking do this!"
"Sir, do you want the Seraphim to cancel your favourite day of the year?"
"Hell no!" but Adam was too proud to get help either.
"We might not have a choice then," Lute explained.
CRUNCH!
"We also can't keep losing exterminators, either," it took months of intense training to see if a like-minded angel was qualified to be one and said numbers were usually low. Those that didn't make the cut were initially silenced discreetly. When she learned of it, Sera had since put a stop to that by wiping their memories instead, a fact Lute didn't care for. If one wasn't up to the task of being an exterminator then what use were they to Heaven?
Adam was torn. On the one hand, he didn't want to ask for help. Only pussies asked for help! Getting authorization to use the leviathans wasn't help, that was just making them even more awesome than they were. On the other hand, "Fuck! All right. If we can't fucking get these shits under control in a month, we'll look around."
"Already have one person in my mind, sir."
"Shit! Already?" talk about fucking convenient, "Who?'
"...You're not gonna like it," Lute hesitated.
"I'll be the fucking judge of that. Spill!" Adam ordered.
"Your ex."
"FUCK. NO!" Adam didn't like it.
"Lilith's voice is a powerful tool, sir."
"Don't have to tell me," she was a grade-A cunt, but Adam couldn't deny that Lilith had a pretty sweet mouth and a decent set of lungs, too.
"If we can get her to-"
"I ain't gonna go to her for fucking help. You honestly think she would?"
"If she wants her deal to remain intact."
"HA! You don't know the bitch as well as I do," deal or no deal, Lilith wouldn't help. Not with this at least.
"...There is someone else."
"And you brought up my ex first, why?"
"Because this person is many times worse," Lute told him.
"Uh, okay, I'll bite. Who?"
"War."
"...What was the first option again?" Adam would admit that option B was worse than going to Lilith. That red-dressed bitch was fucking nuts! One was lucky enough to get a meeting with her. Luckier still if they came back alive.
The Four Horsemen were one of the few beings that could outmatch the archangels in terms of power.
(An Hour Later in Hell)
The screaming match between Vaggie and Charlie after the unintentional reveal had been heard throughout the entire hotel. Naruto and Michelle had awkwardly tried not to listen in, while the rest, Kurama included, ate popcorn as though they were watching a movie. Jerks! Both Charlie and Vaggie had since left. Charlie had claimed it was to go and convince new recruits to join, and while true many knew it was mainly for Charlie and Vaggie to cool off and collect themselves. And one archangel was feeling incredibly guilty.
"Oh, I fucked up big time," Michelle felt like utter crap.
"Dat's putten it lightly," Angel's comment had Michelle leave the lobby and make her way up the stairs.
"Not helping Angel!" Naruto told him. Sure, he didn't care for Michelle's advances but that didn't mean one should beat a dead horse.
"Wat? I'm agreeing wit 'er! Besides she's a tough chick."
"Ever heard of 'silence is gold?'" Naruto asked.
"Meh."
"How about 'shut up, or I'll punch your face in?'. Ever heard that one?" Kurama gave his two cents.
Angel wisely held back any retorts this time.
Naruto went after Michelle, damn his bleeding heart and a soft spot for crying women, and found the archangel in her room, a room Michelle received after her failed attempt to convince her niece to allow her to stay in the same room as the object of her affection. Naruto realized it was quite spartan. Large, but spartan. There was only a very large bed and a section that was clearly meant for training purposes. Given that Michelle was a warrior, and Heaven's best fighter, Naruto shouldn't have been surprised.
The archangel was currently punching what Naruto could sense was a highly reinforced and magically imbued dummy. Her movements were fast, strong, and precise. There were no wasteful movements and her blows were solid and firm.
"Go away," Michelle told him.
Oh, sure, now she didn't him near her, "Not happening."
BAM! The sound of the blow reminded Naruto a lot of Tsunade-baachan's.
But Michelle didn't know that, "That it?"
Michelle stopped, "What?"
"I'm asking if that was it. I mean for someone claiming to be Heaven's greatest warrior that was a pretty weak punch."
"Weak!" Michelle was insulted. She was far from weak.
"Prove me wrong," Naruto entered the training area and entered a stance, "Or are those chicken wings behind your back?"
Michelle gaped at him for the sheer audacity of the comment, but she complied nonetheless. Despite towering over Naruto by a good four feet, the blond Jinchuriki didn't waver when the blows were finally exchanged.
Despite their initial bout ending in her defeat, Michelle was proving exactly why she was called Heaven's Greatest Warrior. Her blows were furious, wild, and fast that many would not be able to keep up, but despite how her arms moved it was clear the control she had over her attacks. It made Naruto think of Rock Lee and Might Guy if he was honest. But Naruto had senjutsu training and mastery over a Tailed-Beast's chakra with intent sensing capabilities.
The blows she shot at him were either dodged or blocked and the odd parry and counter here and there were sent her way. Most of them were blocked, others not so much. Neither of them were going all out. If they did, the Hazbin Hotel would be no more than rubble, and that would make Charlie cry. And Naruto hated to see crying women. Damn, Ero-sennin and his stupid lessons on chivalry towards women.
"Oh, nice one!" and it was. The kick clipped his eyebrow.
"Thanks," Michelle accepted the compliment.
Seeing how she had perked up, Naruto got to the point, "Look. You messed up. You're flawed. So what? I couldn't tell you how many times I made an ass outta of myself assuming things."
"I can!" Kurama chimed in.
"Shut up!...Wait a minute! OOOFF!" Naruto felt a kick land on his stomach that sent him into the wall with a loud bang. Luckily the room was reinforced, "...Ow."
"Oh, shit! Are you okay!" Michelle helped him down.
Instead of answering, Naruto marched to the door, opened it, and saw Kurama, Angel, and Niffty listening in, "The Hell guys!"
"BAIL!" all three ran.
"Assholes!" Naruto made a mental note to prank their asses.
"Kehahahahahaha!" Michelle laughed, "Oh, I needed that. Thanks."
"No prob."
"Also, Michelle one, Naruto one."
"What? That didn't count! I was distracted!" Naruto knew it was a weak argument though.
"Doesn't matter. Distracted or not, you lost," Michelle teased him.
"Rematch!" Naruto demanded. Nearly one-hundred and seventy or not, the blond still had his competitive streak.
"Gladly!" Michelle grinned. She was gonna enjoy this.
(A few minutes later)
Angel glanced up from the couch watching as Charlie and Vaggie came back from their latest outing. Charlie slumped face-first onto another couch, "No luck, huh?"
"Not a single new recruit," Vaggie told him.
"Yeah, well, who wouldn't want ta spend their last days not fucken and fighten?" powerful as Naruto was the blond couldn't be everywhere at once, "So...You twos good?"
"That's none of your-"
"Vaggie, it's fine," Charlie cut her off, "Look, I'll admit I'm not ... happy, but given the circumstances...ha... it's not exactly an easy thing to tell."
"Charlie-"
"Don't! I'll be fine. Just...Just give me some time, okay?" Charlie implored.
Taking Charlie's hand, Vaggie nodded, "Take all the time you need. You know where to find me."
"Ugh, seriously? Can you twos be any cornier?" Angel felt like he was watching a bad B-rate romance movie.
"Te mataré a puñaladas! (I'll fucking stab you to death!)" Vaggie cursed.
"So, on another topic, how many showed up?" Charlie hoped it was a lot.
"Countin' the ones you brought in? Uh...nadda," Angel dashed said hopes.
"You could have just said no, Angel," Vaggie told him.
"Well, ask a stupid questi-"
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"...Yer shittin' me, right?"
Going to the hotel's entrance, Vaggie opened it to reveal someone she did not expect: Sir Pentious.
"Why, hello my dear. May-Ahhh!" the serpent demon was cut off by Vaggie punching him in the face, cowering in fear when Vaggie pointed her spear at his neck, his hat reflecting his emotions.
"Wait, wait, wait! I come in peasssse," Pentious held up a peace sign, hoping it would convince the fallen angel.
Vaggie didn't buy it, "What are you doing here?"
"Vaggie, what's the problem? Ho! Hello again!" Charlie greeted lively.
"She always this chipper?" Kurama asked Husk; noting similarities between Charlie and a much younger Naruto.
"Better get used to it," Husk handed Kurama a drink, "This helps."
"Thanks," Kurama took a swig and immediately spat it out, "The fuck kind of booze are you serving?"
"Cheap shit," it was all they had anyway. It was all they could afford.
"Clearly!" that was easily one of the worst things Kurama ever drank.
"Are you fucking nuts?" Angel was heard arguing from the doorway, "Dis chump was trying to kill us like literally six hours ago! And now you wanna bring 'im in here to live wit us?"
"Absolutely! This place is about second chances, and who deserves one more than this slithery… slippery… special little man!"
Yeah, definitely like Naruto, Kurama noted. This outta be entertaining.
"Aren't you supposed to protect this place?" Angel asked Vaggie.
The former exterminator would have agreed but Charlie gave her puppy-dog eyes, and Vaggie, still feeling guilty and hoping this would help along their reconciliation gave in, "Haa...I guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine... or even with the war machine to be honest."
"Oh," the comment saddened the inventor. He did his best damn it!
Charlie was ecstatic, "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Charlie smiled and kissed Vaggie on the cheek, hugging and twirling her girlfriend around in the air. Vaggie was smiling too. So far so good at redeeming herself.
"Sir Pentious! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! You won't regret this!"
"Oh, no, darling! Thank you! You won't regret this."
"Ha! I give you a week, tops," Angel said.
"I'll take that action!" Husk took out a small stack of cash.
Kurama however, whispered to Vaggie as she walked by, "Watch him," the fox sensed ill-intent from the serpent. Not much, but it was there still.
Vaggie looked at the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, and the look on his face said everything. She made a mental note to keep an eye on Pentious.
"So, this is the bar and this is Husk the bartender. This is the curtain, and this is the new wall after you broke the last one- and over here we-Ahh! Oh! Uh, here we have Alastor! Our gracious facility manager! Alastor, you've met our newest guest Sir Pentious…hehehe.." Oh, this was awkward. Of all the times for the Radio Demon to reappear.
"Ah, yes! You're the one who ruined my coat...I definitely remember you now!" Alastor's eyes glowed red, his tone sinister. Pentious gulped fearfully, having second thoughts about all this.
"Hmm, not bad," Kurama had to give credit where credit was due. Alastor had a knack for intimidation.
"Right. Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson: How to apologize! The first step to becoming a better person is to admit when you are wrong. Why don't you give it a try, Sir Pentious?" Charlie told him.
"Uh...Yes.. um... Mr. uh.. Radio Demon, sir. Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat... uhm... here. As a token of apology," Pentious fished out and gave back the small fabric he had torn from Alastor's coat.
"Ah-ho! Not many people have been able to take even this much off me. It must have meant quite a lot to you," despite sounding appreciative, Alastor burnt the torn piece of clothing with green flames. The act left both Pentious and Charlie worried. Fortunately, Alastor did nothing else and so Charlie recommenced the hotel tour.
"Harder!" that is, until everyone heard a noise and a small shudder.
"Um, what wassss that, exactly?" Pentious asked.
"Am I wrong or did dat sound like... Nah, couldn't be...could it?"
"I'm sure it was nothing," Charlie dismissed it and continued with the tour.
"HARDER!" another, stronger shudder reverberated through the walls.
"There it isssss again!"
"Okay, we all heard dat, right!"
"I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING!" Charlie shouted, a twitch developed in her eye.
"Babe! Calm dow-"
"Relax. It's just the brat training with Michelle to cheer her up. Once he gets going he gets pretty worked up and then starts going all out," Kurama explained to some, and reminded the rest.
"Oh, right. Lame," Angel went back to his phone.
Charlie, however, was relieved, hating that her mind was in the gutter. Besides, Naruto made it clear he had no intentions for her aunt anyway, "Oh! Well, if that's the ca-"
"FUCK ME HARDER, YOU BLOND STUD!"
... Well, so much for not being interested.
"Then again, I could be wrong. WAY TO GO, BRAT!" Kurama cheered from the bar. Michelle was a very choice piece of ass. And what an ass it was.
Charlie's right eye began to twitch uncontrollably once more, "This isn't happening."
Sadly for her sanity, it was, and it got worse.
"OH, GOD! SPANK MY ASS!" Michelle yelled.
"Please don't!" Charlie prayed her grandfather allowed his only grandchild this one small merc-
SLAP!
The sound was heard loud and clear in the lobby. Okay, Charlie's grandfather was dead to her now.
"Told ya he was da bottom," Angel snarked.
"I dunno. They could be doing it doggy-"
"LALALALALALALA!" Charlie loudly chanted. She was not hearing this!
"Oh, for fuck sakes," Husk began drinking; he really wished they had stronger booze.
"Oh, my! I do hope that bed's sturdy enough," Alastor's smile was nastier than usual. The comment only served to enhance the twitching in Charlie's eye.
"Why? What are they doing?" Niffty asked him.
"AGAIN!" another loud slap was heard, followed by a loud throaty, "YEEEES!"
"Lucky bitch," Angel groused.
Another shudder was heard, followed by the loud sound of something breaking. It didn't take them much to put two and two together. So much for that that bed.
"DON'T STOP!" but Michelle's cries continued nonetheless, along with the rhythmic shudders.
"Let's go see the garden!" Charlie suddenly announced to Pentious; her face had a demented look that scared him.
"Um, I don't recall ssssseeing one out th-"
"JUST GO OUTSIDE!" a full-on demon Charlie ordered; Pentious listened.
Ding-dong!
"...We have a doorbell?" Charlie asked. Vaggie shrugged. It was news to her too.
Opening the door, everyone looked to see the form of a very tall, almost as tall as Michelle, dark-grey furred wolf-like hellhound wearing a black trench coat enter the hotel, "Buenas tardes (Good afternoon). Is this the hotel where the arcángel resides?" he asked.
"Nope! No archangel here!" Charlie denied; her twitch now back.
"HARDER!"
"...What was that?"
"A good poundi-"
"What he means to say is ... I'm sorry I didn't get your name," Charlie asked.
"Call me D," D introduced.
"D? Da hell kind 'o name is dat?"
"Angel!" Charlie chastised, "Sorry about him. So, Mr, uh, D, was it? Is that short for something?"
"It is," D grinned.
"And dat would be?"
"DEATH!" echoed the red-eyed wolf's sudden response, the walls around them distorted by the simple word, breaking like glass, and the room filled with darkness and power that was greater than even Naruto's, and all of them except Alastor and Kurama were scared, though the latter two were unnerved, "And I don't mean it metaphorically, or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or any other fancy way. I'm Death. Straight. Up."
"OH, SHIT!" Husk and Angel hugged themselves; Niffty was left in a daze; Vaggie was standing in front of Charlie. Pentious, meanwhile-
"THIS IS AGENT PENTIOUS! I NEED BACKUP! VOX, CAN YOU HEAR ME!" a scared Pentious shouted into his watch, revealing himself to be a spy.
"Called it!" Kurama and Alastor laughed when they saw Vaggie's fear was overcome by her anger; the angel trying to skewer the snake demon with her spear.
"YOU SNEAKY SONOVA-"
"What the hell is going...uncle D?" looking up to the second floor, everyone was greeted by the sight of a naked archangel covering herself with a duvet!
"Oh, god," it was official to Charlie, this was officially one of the, if not the, worst days of her life.
"Oh! How very Greek," Alastor commented.
"'Ola, Micaela (Hello, Michelle)," Death greeted his niece; his oppressive aura now gone, and the room returned to normal, "Cómo has estado? (How have you been)?"
"Well, I was in the middle of something amazing, uncle. Do you have to do that every time you introduce yourself?"
"I needed my power fix."
"Wait, back da fuck up! Death's yer uncle? Death! As in the spooky skull, black-robed, scythe-wielding guy that comes for ya when you've kicked the bucket?! Dis guy!?"
"I mean, he's been around for as long as dad, so for all intended purposes... Yeah, pretty much," Michelle revealed, and he was also one of the only beings on par with the Almighty, too.
"You've got one fucked up family tree, ya know dat?" Angel told Charlie.
"You don't have to tell me," Charlie had a hard time enough time wrapping her head around the first time she'd been told that Death was her Great-Uncle. She had never met him, and even if she did she couldn't remember. Death had a habit of changing his appearance every now and then. The whole 'death comes in many forms' thing he had going on.
"Uncle D, why are you here?"
"Simple, miha. I've come to see the man who I hear has finally caught my niece's eye. To see if he's worthy of her," Death's chuckle turned everyone's spines into pure ice.
"And if he isn't?" Kurama asked.
Death merely took out a pair of wicked scythes, and chuckled, "Then I hope he had a good life."
Few beings had ever unnerved Kurama. Madara, Hashirama, Kaguya, and even Sasuke to a minor extent to name a few, but the Shinigami had been the one that unnerved him the most. And this guy was the Death God's equal by how much he unnerved the two-thousand-year-old Tailed-Beast.
"Can I at least finish having sex before you meet him?" Michelle's reply floored all but three of the hotel's residents.
"Oh, of course, my apologies for the interruption! I'll make myself comfortable. Gato! Your finest!" Death ordered; Husk wished he wasn't the bartender right now. He had the impression Death wasn't a cat person.
What Death, and everyone not including Kurama, didn't count on was Naruto's stamina. By the time Naruto and Michelle were done, the former Hokage had broken his previous record. Angel was even more jealous and Charlie's eye twitch didn't go away for days.
Vox finally arrived at the hotel that Little Miss Sunshine and Rainbows, better known as Charlie Morningstar, was using to try and redeem sinners. Pft! A waste of time and it made her look like the biggest idiot in all of the Seven Rings and beyond in Vox's opinion.
But the distraction by Alastor's voice as it appeared once more on the air had delayed his departure. His hate for his old rival had gotten the best of him much like Valentino.
While radio wasn't as popular a format any longer compared to television and other mediums, there were still some groups in Hell that were stuck in their ways from their time period. Cannibal Town, Old New York, and Sin City were the three major ones he had not successfully penetrated despite his efforts. Vox couldn't allow the Radio Demon to regain the attention of the masses from his seven-year absence. Many likely wouldn't listen, but Vox couldn't take that chance; he had no intention of sharing the spotlight with Alastor anymore!
But their brief broadcast skirmish hadn't gone well for Vox. Vox's medium might be more popular, but Alastor hadn't lost his touch despite his sudden departure. It unnerved Vox to no end.
Alastor couldn't be allowed to make any deals with Charlie Morningstar, the Radio Demon staying at her hotel was already bad enough. The possibility of the Radio Demon having the daughter of the King of Hell in his pocket was worse.
If only it ended there.
Learning that the Angelslayer and the Right Hand of God were also there had caused him to freeze, Vox recalled. Alastor was bad enough. The addition of the other two was a nightmare of untold fuckery! So, now Vox had to make certain that his on-and-off-again lover didn't fuck up everything they built.
If Valentino died, well, that would be very unfortunate and a blow to the Vees, but it was livable. Usually, when a demon died and they held soul contracts to their name, those contracts became null and void. But the more powerful and innovative demons knew there were ways around that. When the Vees formed their unholy alliance, any contract made by one of the Vees would go to a surviving Vee if they died, provided that they didn't die by one of the Vees hands in any shape or form.
Having their media empire go in flames? Vox would kill the Porno Demon with his own hands.
KABOOM!
Vox turned himself into pure energy and managed to get out of harm's way. The area where he once stood now sporting a battered Valentino. Getting a closer look, Vox was stunned by the state of the incredibly tall moth-like demon. He was bruised, one of his arms was missing, another was at an awkward angle and most definitely broken, his glasses were gone, his suit singed and he sported a nasty gash to the point Vox could see part of his intestines.
"F-f-u-u-ck," Valentino managed to gasp before he lost consciousness.
Looking back at the Hotel, Vox saw a pair of dark red glowing eyes coming piercing through the smoke and dust and found himself scared shitless. The Television Demon knew he was outmatched and grabbed his fellow Vee and turned both of them into pure energy to escape through the nearby powerlines.
"Well, that was boring," spoke Kurama, the demon fox had been hoping for a challenge. That had been anything but. Picking shit out of his ear was more challenging. Whirling around, Kurama spotted a group of confused hotel residents, "Yo!"
"Who da fuck are you!?" Angel summed up all their thoughts.
"Got wax in your ear, kid? Name's Kurama. Ooh, arm! I'm starving!"
Everyone watched in morbid fascination as Kurama grabbed one of the arms he had ripped off Valentino and proceeded to devour the entire thing, bone and all, "Hmm. Could have used some hot sauce."
"Again, da fuck!"
"What have you done with my beloved!" Michelle demanded, her discarded sword once more in her hands.
"Like I said, the brat's taking a nap. That stunt he pulled earlier exhausted him," Kurama had no idea why but he was curious. Naruto was a stamina demon of epic proportions. Fortunately, said stunt also enabled Kurama to make himself known to the world once more.
"What are you? A parasite? Can I stab you?" Niffty asked.
"PARASITE!?" Kurama bellowed, the shout knocking everyone except Michelle on their asses, and sending the small one-eyed demon slamming into the wall.
"Yay! Pain!" Niffty cheered, rushing back to her previous spot, "Do it again!"
"... You're not exactly all there are you, short stack?" well, if that's what she wanted, who was he to argue with?
"Flatterer," Niffty blushed.
"Niffty, step away from the ...whatever he is," ordered Vaggie.
"Why?"
"Because...uh... because you have debris to clean up!" Vaggie pointed at the damaged wall the mini-cyclops crashed into.
"Oh, my!" fortunately Niffty bought the excuse and swiftly began cleaning up the mess.
"Brat still keeps interesting company it seems," Kurama commented, and then his form wavered, "Ah, shit. Looks like my times up."
"Uh, are you okay?" Charlie asked, worried and confused.
"It's fine. Do me and the brat a favor will ya? Keep an eye on us... Thanks," Kurama surmised that whatever left Naruto drained also had an effect on him as well. Unable to hold it off any longer, Kurama's form shifted before it reverted back into Naruto's
Thud!
And then proceeded to fall face-first to the ground.
...
"... One of us probably should have caught 'im," Angel Dust broke the ice.
"I'm a bartender. Not a fucking trust exercise coordinator," Husk told Angel. The former overlord's comment gave Charlie an idea for later.
"Darling!" the group heard Michelle call out, rushing to Naruto's downed form and carrying him bridal style.
"Okay, that's just messed up on so many levels," Husk commented.
"Ha! Guess we know who's the top and who's the bottom," it was funny as hell in Angel's opinion.
"Woah, woah, woah, woah! Where do you think you're going," Vaggie asked when she saw Michelle made for the exit.
"Uh, Heaven? Where else would I go? Hell is no place for him to recuperate," Michelle stated as a matter of fact, "It's not like you have any hospitals."
"We have hospitals!" Charlie told her aunt. Not much given demons would heal on their own and put themselves back together but the more messed up one was the longer it took. Hence hospitals were made to speed up the process.
"We do? First time I'm hearing of it," Angel said.
"Okay, seriously! How is it that you've been here longer than me but I know more than you?" Vaggie asked and got a nonchalant shrug from the freed spider demon.
"I mean hospitals where you get properly healed instead of looking like a Picasso painting afterwards," Michelle elaborated. She might not know much about Hell but she knew some things. Eight out of ten hospitals in Hell were more Frankenstein-related in terms of treatment unless it came to treating demons at the top of the hierarchy.
"Oh... Yeah, we don't have those," Charlie admitted, "But Vaggie's right! You can't take him to Heaven. Pretty sure demons aren't allowed up there."
"Uh, I'm an archangel, remember? We're second in command up there only to dad. Pretty sure they're not gonna have much of a say in the matter," Michelle explained.
"True," again, Charlie couldn't dispute that, "But how do you think Naruto will react when he realizes he's there? He's not exactly Heaven's biggest fan," and vice versa, too.
On that, Michelle couldn't come up with an excuse, "Ugh, fine! Where's our room?"
"Right this-Wait a minute. Our room?" since when did that happen, Charlie wondered.
"It's only natural your future uncle and I stay in the same room," Michelle beamed, saying it as though it were a matter of fact.
Future uncle?!
"Uh, ain't you like a million years old or someting? Fugget robbin' the cradle, your robbin' the freaken' fetus," Angel pointed out.
There was an image everyone could sorely do without.
"It's impolite to ask a lady her age. Besides, Lilith's not even a fraction as old as Luci," Michelle pointed out. And she knew Lilith wore the pants in that relationship.
Angel conceded to that but it also led to more questions he had.
But first, some celebratory blow for his newfound freedom.
(Sometime Later)
"DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MUCH YOU FUCKED UP!" Vox furiously exploded, not caring that Valentino was still recovering and bandaged up.
"I-"
"NO! You don't talk! You sit your ass and keep your fucking mouth shut until I tell you. I don't want to hear any of your bullshit! The only reason you're still alive is because nobody knows what happened," no one lived close to the Princess of Hell's hotel so no one knew what went on. If anything the Vees could simply spin it as Pentious attacking them.
"I get Angel's a hot commodity and he makes us good money, but wat the bloody fucken' 'ell were you thinking?! Oh, wait, I forgot, you need a brain for that," Velvette insulted her fellow Vee, "Because, if you had a brain, you wouldn't have attacked the Angelslaying Stud or the bloody fucking archangel if you did."
"Thank you, Velvette," Vox acknowledged, "You're lucky to be alive, Val. Lucky I got there before the Angelslayer-"
"It wasn't the fucking Angelslayer!"
"What did I...Come again?"
"Wait, you went after the colour-blind bitch? The archangel?! Oh, brilliant. Well, we're more fucked than a penny-pence whore," Velvette surmised.
"Wasn't that bitch either! Gah!" Valentino winced, his stomach wound flaring up something fierce, "It was someone else. Some shit called...Oh, fuck, what was his name? Kura? Mana? Hakuna? Oh, who fucking cares! Point is, Little Miss Sunshine's got herself some bodyguards she can hide behind. And one of them came out of the fucking Angelslayer."
"... Okay, back the fuck up. You're telling me something came out of the Angelslayer?" that was new.
"You taking the piss?"
"I FUCKING KNOW WHAT I SAW!" Valentino shouted, groaning once more, "After I started shooting-"
"YOU FUCKING SHOT AT THEM!?" Vox knew Valentino had an angelic weapon but didn't believe he was that stupid. If Lucifer learned of this they'd have more than a handful to deal with.
"I'm gonna kill 'im. I'm gonna fucken' kill 'im!" Velvette would go through with it. She was the backbone of the trio for a reason.
"The gun did fuck all!"
"What? How? Angelic guns are ... you stupid fuck," Vox realized what happened, "You used ordinary bullets!"
"How was I supposed to know angel bullets were needed?"
"Everyone knows that piss-for-brains!" Velvette couldn't believe it. She felt her IQ going down just listening to this.
"Whatever! Anyway, once I learned the gun was fucking useless, this fuck all of a sudden starts coming out of the Angelslayer, or took over his body, or whatever the fuck he did, and the next thing I know I lose a fucking arm and my guts are hanging out! "
"You're welcome by the way," Vox still never got a thanks for saving the moth demon's stupid ass.
"What I'm curious about is why you started shooting," sure, Valentino didn't really need a reason to do so given his sadistic tendencies, but Velvette had to ask, "Weren't you jus' getting Angel?"
"BECAUSE THAT FUCKING CUNT DESTROYED MY CONTRACT WITH ANGEL!" Valentino coughed up blood and was forced to lie down.
"...What did you just say," Vox whispered, not believing what he just heard.
"You heard me."
"That's impossible! Soul contracts are indestructible! Did 'e force you to rip up Angel's contract?" Velvette could see Valentino losing his shit if he did.
"No! He broke the damn thing with a fucking sword," Valentino elaborated.
Vox was contemplative. This was bad news. But it was also an opportunity, "You said the Angelslayer lost consciousness, right? Did that happen after the contract was destroyed?"
Valentino nodded, "Right after. Prick fell to his knees and then passed out."
"What are you thinking, Vox?" sure, the Angelslayer was fine eye candy and hot shit right now but the revelation made her wary. Anyone with the power to destroy something as powerful as soul contracts was someone you didn't want to cross. Only the King of Hell was believed to have that power, not that it was ever proven.
"Well, the Angelslayer is shacking up with Lucifer's brat in that little hotel of hers, and that airhead is trying to redeem sinners-"
"What's your point?"
"My point, my dear Velvette, is this. Destroying the contract clearly left the Angelslayer weak and vulnerable. Unfortunately, this...entity he has inside him acts as a defense of sorts. So, attacking him directly isn't going to work. Even more, if he recovers. Now, we might have been able to get Lucifer to do something about this but SOMEONE just had to start shooting an angelic weapon at his daughter!" Vox glared at Valentino, who looked unrepentant, "So that ship's sailed. But what if we destroy his reputation instead? Make it so that people don't want to go to him? Most already don't. They're scared of him," Vox explained.
"That's true," being the social network expert of the three Velvette knew that while many respected the Angelslayer for what he did, that was outweighed by their fear of him. Powerful demons like the Sins, the Goetia, the Royal Family, and the other high-class hellborn weren't exactly individuals people would approach given their standing and reputation. Even the overlords had that kind of rep. And it was clear that the Angelslayer was above them. How, was a question Velvette was dying to know.
"So, we discreetly make everyone in Hell aware of what he can do and the implications. We'll start with our fellow overlords, let their fear of losing their hold over their underlings and they'll prevent any they have under contract with from going to him. A little fib here and there and no one will go near that place. Hell, even if any under contract does go to him it's unlikely he'll be able to repeat the process quickly enough for their liking. They'll hate his guts for that alone," eighty percent of sinners in the Pride Ring were under contract with someone anyway. And the rest that weren't? Well, most unlikely had any desire to redeem themselves anyway. Most were in Hell because they deserved it anyway.
"But we need more information. We need someone on the inside. And clearly, Angel's out," the freed pornstar would unlikely be willing to spy for them. Especially with how Valentino treated the whore at times.
"Someone pathetic, desperate, but with no direct ties to us?" while she was the backbone of the trio, Velvette didn't like this, it was risky, to say the least. They were going to go against a very powerful individual with thought to be impossible capabilities. That said, she also didn't want to lose any of the power and privilege she painstakingly acquired over the years.
"I employ every down-on-their-luck loser this side of Hell. Who the fuck is left?" Valentino added.
Vox laughed. He knew just the one.
"Besides, this shit needs to be taught a lesson! He fucking robbed Angel from me! I made him! ME! Contract or not he belongs to me!"
"All in due time, Val," Vox placated, "Angel's gone, for now. Going after him isn't the answer. We need to make him come to us. Is there anything you have over him that leaves Angel with no choice but to come crawling back?"
"Ha! Unlikely. That lanky prick...Wait...Ohohohoho. Actually, there may be one," Valentino had a vicious grin. Oh, this was gonna be fun. And when he did come crawling back, Valentino was gonna make Angel suck his steel cock for..."Hey! Where the fuck's my gun?"
(Almost Five Hours Later)
"Admit it, I make dis thing look sexy wit me," Angel held the angelic weapon as though it were a toy. The words 'Valentino' were inscribed on the side of the barrel. The spider demon had gone outside for some fresh air, and to clear his inflamed nostrils when he found it. Apparently, Naruto had switched every stash he had with itching powder. Bastard! Were Naruto not recuperating and the fact that Angel owed the blond stud big-time the spider-demon would have gotten back at him.
"Angel, put the gun down nice and easy," a nervous Charlie asked while she and everyone else were taking cover behind whatever they could.
"Uh, did ya fugget that dis ting's useless without angel bullets?" Angel pointed out.
"It's still a gun," Vaggie reasoned. Sure, it wouldn't kill them without said bullets but it would still hurt like hell. Gunshot wounds hurt regardless of who one was. More so since it was a holy weapon.
"Killjoy," Angel muttered, putting the weapon away.
"Why you still here anyway?" Husk asked, "Thought that without your leash you'd have fucked off already," Husk was gonna have to ask Naruto if he could do the same to him.
"I'm unemployed, broke, and I got no place to stay. Where da fuck am I supposed to go?" Angel pointed out.
"A ditch?" it was a fair point, but it was better than here where he annoyed Husk every damn day.
"Fuck you, Whiskers! You know you'd miss this," Angel posed.
"I'd miss you like I'd miss flea bites!" that had not been a fun experience.
"You sure it weren't herpes?"
"Grrr," Husk looked ready to throttle the spider-demon.
"Angel, let Husk do his job. And Husk...try not to give Angel an opening," Vaggie advised.
"I can fill it if he-"
"DON'T YOU DARE!" neither Husk nor Vaggie wanted that image in their heads.
"What's with the yelling?"
Everyone looked to the second floor and saw Naruto along with Michelle, and, to their surprise, the being that had come out of him.
"Hello, gorgeous," Angel cat called.
Kurama blinked, and then looked at Naruto, "Can I eat him?"
"No! I'm still pissed you did that in my body!" Naruto had thrown up when he learned of it. All that ramen, gone.
"Eat me? Well, ain't you kinky!"
Kurama had a tick mark, "Can I at least maul him?"
Naruto paused, "...I'll think about it," if only to get Angel to stop flirting with him.
Kurama's fanged grin exceeded Alastor's; Angel wasn't so sure of himself right now.
"Naruto! You should be resting!"
"I'm fine. I heal pretty quickly," Naruto waved Charlie off, "It's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal! You destroyed a fucking soul contract!"
"...Yeah? So?" Again, Naruto didn't understand why that was a big deal.
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO! THEY'RE INDESTRUCTIBLE!" Vaggie could not believe how nonchalant he was about this.
"Vaggie's right. Only the contractor can do that," Charlie told him.
"Trust me. You'll quickly learn that impossible doesn't mean shit to this brat," Kurama knew that from experience.
"...That doesn't make any damn sense!"
"Tell me about it," Kurama had long ago given up on trying to understand it.
"I think I know, darling," Michelle interjected, and all eyes were now on her, "My sword."
"Your sword?"
"An archangel's weapon is an immensely powerful artifact. Few things exceed them in terms of raw power. If angel weapons are bunker-buster missiles, then archangel weapons are Tsar Bomba nukes," Michelle explained and all but Naruto and Kurama understood the reference. Well, the nuke part they understood.
"Fuck," Vaggie heard of overkill but this was uberkill.
"So, that sword is what destroyed the contract?" Husk eyed the weapon.
"Yes. But to use that level of destructive capability is something only a being with Archangel-level power or more can do. If anyone else tried, they'd kick the bucket well before they even got close," which only served as a further testament to Naruto's immense power.
"Shit," there went Husk's plan.
"Either way...thanks," Angel was more than grateful.
His contract had been made as a way for him to get fame, and he got it but Valentino had placed a lot of clauses and sub-clauses that Angel had been ignorant of. It made him the moth demon's bitch for years, forcing him to endure constant abuse, and forcing him to come up with anything he could to try and convince Valentino to drop him. Nothing worked. And now? Now after years of taking Val's shit, he was free in the most unexpected way.
"Angel, did you just-"
"I know wat I said! I need a shower," Angel hardly ever thanked anyone before.
"Aww! Angel, I'm so proud of you!" Charlie hugged him.
"Ugh! Do ya mind? I got a rep 'ere?!" Angel was starting to regret saying anything, "...Yer not lettin' me go are ya?"
"Nope!" Charlie held on tight despite the pornstar's attempt to remove her.
"Someone got a crowbar!? The jaws 'o life? Lube!?" Angel was struggling with his attempts to get out of Charlie's surprisingly strong grip. Even with his retractable arms, he had no luck removing her.
"Yeah, you're not getting out of that any time soon," Vaggie was enjoying this immensely, the others laughed at Angel's misfortune.
"I fucken hate you all!"
"No, you don't!" Charlie continued smiling and hugging.
"Aaaahhhh!"
"Like I said, brat. You keep interesting company," Kurama commented.
"How do you know my beloved anyway?" Michelle asked Kurama.
"You two fuck buddies or someting?" Angel stated.
"The fuck!" him and the brat? Not a chance!
"LISTEN TO NARUTO: NOT GAY!" how many times did have to repeat himself before that sunk in?
"Angel!" Charlie let go of him.
"Sucka! Knew dat would wawhk!" Angel gloated; Charlie pouted.
"First off, I am gonna maul him later," Kurama told Naruto.
"Don't let me stop you."
"And, to answer your question," Kurama looked at Michelle, "I've been with the brat ever since he was a whiny little shit."
"What does that mean?" Michelle didn't care for cryptic answers. Never had and never will.
"It means what it means," Kurama knew the answer irritated the archangel that wanted to jump Naruto's bones, "Anything else?"
"I got one. What are you?" Husk could honestly say he never met a demon like Kurama.
"I'm the Kyubi no Yoko (Nine-Tailed Demon Fox)."
"Da hell does dat mean?" Angel directed the query towards Husk.
"Japanese is rusty, but I think it means Nine-Tailed ... Demon Tiger?" Husk guessed the last word.
"Demon Fox," the fuck was a demon tiger?
"Fox? Yer a fox? Uh, no offence, but ya don't look like one. If anything ya look like a hu-Whoa-ly shit!"
Angel was eating his words as Kurama's form shifted into his usual form: an incredibly towering, orange, nine-tailed fox, one whose head reached the second floor and took up much of the space in the lobby.
"And do I NOW!" Kurama's voice echoed.
"Uh, okay, we believe you. Um, do you mind, turning back," Charlie asked. Razzle and Dazzle were growling at the giant fox, seeing him as a threat to their princess.
"Just try it, you little shits," Kurama licked his lips.
"Okay, you proved your point. Enough of that," Naruto snapped his fingers.
"No, no, no, no!" Kurama was suddenly forced back into his human form, "Damn it, brat! How many times do I have to tell you not to do that!"
"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch," Naruto heard it all before.
"How'd you do that?"
"A perk of being together for as long as we have," Naruto told them, not that it actually explained anything.
"Yeah, I'm still curious how that's even possible," Vaggie recalled Kurama telling them that he and Naruto were together since he was 'a whiny little shit' and guessed he meant baby.
"Maybe if you're good we'll tell you," Kurama patted Vaggie's hair.
"I'll explain later," Naruto promised.
"...Seriously? Why do you have to bust balls?"
"Why do you have to be a grouchy old douche?"
"Why do you have to be a little asshole!"
"Why do you-"
"Hold it. Before yous go too far, I've got a question I've been meanin' to get off ma chest for a while now," Angel Dust declared
"Okay, fine! I kissed a guy once! But that was by accident and it doesn't count! Ya happy!?"
"...Okay, good ta know, not wat I was gonna ask," Angel grinned at the reveal, "Dis is a question fer 'er."
"Me?" Michelle asked.
"Yeah. You toots."
"Um...okay. And that is?"
"Was Christ real?"
Ooh, as far as questions went, that was a good one.
"... Have to admit, I'm curious myself," Husk always wondered what the answer was.
"Christ?/Christ?" neither Naruto nor Kurama knew who that was. Both were simply confused.
Michelle looked annoyed, "Oh, for the love of... I hate being asked that question, but seeing as how you're close friends to my niece-"
"I wouldn't go dat far, but go on," Angel interrupted, which caused Charlie to whine.
"Whatever! Look, I'm only gonna say this once. Yes, and no. There was a guy called Jesus from way back when who went around healing people and did a lot of good shit but a lot of the stuff he's remembered for along with the whole a virgin giving birth to him and him being the Son of God was either blown out of proportion or just a load of made up crap to make him appear divine. And a bunch of idiots bought it. But what can you expect from a species that initially thought the Earth was flat, thought science was black magic, and intelligent women were sleeping with the Devil ... Okay, that last one wasn't too far off. Your mom and dad loved their orgi-"
"Lalalalalala! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" despite her chanting Charlie had never been so green and even Vaggie's comforting pats on the back did little to sto-Oh, God! The mental pictures just came through! She did not wish to know her mother was that limber...nor her father, for that matter.
"You didn't know? Whoops! My bad. Hehe...Oh, boy," Michelle laughed awkwardly, knowing Charlie would unlikely be able to look at her parents the same way again.
"Keep going! Dis is good shit!" Angel was loving every second of this.
"Angel!" Charlie was not. Her need to hurl now rearing its ugly head.
Fortunately for Charlie's sanity, Michelle went back to the topic at hand, "Anyway, dad didn't think the whole Jesus thing was that big a deal initially but when early Christianity began using His name as an excuse to justify some of their more vile actions the old man wasn't exactly thrilled. Especially when it came to the holy wars."
"So, he was pissed, huh?"
"He allowed the Four Horsemen to go nuts during the Dark and Middle Ages. That was a little over a millennium. 'nough said," Michelle told a flabbergasted group. Again, Naruto and Kurama had no idea what they were talking about.
"Shit!" and Angel thought Val could be vindictive.
"Yeah, the old man's punishments can be…harsh, to put it lightly. Countless centuries later and the asses of the archangels still flare up every once in a while. Trust me. You don't want to be spanked by God," Michelle knew firsthand that it hurt, a lot.
"I wouldn't mind," Angel said salaciously.
"...I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and give you one free pass," the look in Michelle's eye told Angel not to test her.
"Got it!" was the spider demon's wise response.
"Why would you want to get spanked anyway?" Michelle was confused, her experience with sex was very limited to the basics. Top and bottom.
"Seriously? Ya don't know?" at her shake of the head, Angel smiled, "It's a sex thing. Spices things up and wit da right partner can be a real turn-on in the bedroom!" Angel explained, a recollection of past activities going through his mind.
"Really? It makes you feel good?" a curious Michelle looked at Naruto.
"No."
"Okay, yous sure yer straight?" Angel Dust had never met a guy who would pass off the opportunity to have sex when it was literally jumping in his lap.
"I had a wife and five kids!"
"Ha! Good cover!" wouldn't be the first time Angel heard that excuse.
"For the last time, Angel! I. AM. STRAIGHT!" Naruto didn't know how often he'd have to repeat himself until that got through.
"Ya sure?" Angel was skeptical.
"As sure as those two are a couple," Naruto pointed at Vaggie and Charlie.
"You're gay?" Michelle looked at her niece.
"Oh, uh, bi, actually," Charlie told her aunt, not knowing how she'd react.
"Oh, don't get me wrong. We've got more than a few of those in Heaven. Not much but we do," that caused everyone but Naruto and Kurama to blink.
"Wait, so, gays can get in ta Heaven? I thought that was like going against yer morals or some shit?" Angel knew that most of Hell's population were either gay, bi, or something like that while straight people were in the minority so he just assumed.
"Well, I mean, it was in the beginning but it wasn't enough to stop someone from getting in."
"What about premarital sex?"
"Ha! Please. More than three-fifths of Heaven's population had sex before marriage," Michelle told them.
Huh, interesting, were the thoughts of many present. Again, Naruto and Kurama were ignorant.
"You seriously didn't know?"
"It's not like Heaven sends us a newsletter or pamphlet on the dos and don'ts. Why would we?" Charlie asked her aunt.
"Well, you're dating an angel. I just assumed she would have told you this."
Everyone stopped what they were doing, their eyes whipping to Vaggie who was trying to make herself look small.
"...Vaggie?"
"...Oh, shit, you didn't know," Fuck!
Needless to say, it was clear that Michelle was very bad when it came to making assumptions.
(Meanwhile In Heaven)
"God damn it!" okay, so Adam was starting to realize that while getting the go-ahead to use the leviathans was one thing, learning how to get said leviathans to listen to them was easier said than done.
"That's the fifth exterminator we lost in the last hour, sir," Lute stated.
"Oh, really, I couldn't fucking tell!" but they had no choice. Sera gave him only one chance. One! If the next Extermination failed then that was it.
No more Extermination Day. No bi-annual or annual trips to Hell to have their fun. Nadda! If he and his bitches fucked up again, that was it.
And Adam wasn't having it! He loved killing demons. Loved how they begged for mercy, how they died, how they hopelessly fled for their loves! And there was one demon in particular he wished to see dead more than any. Adam was hard just thinking about it! The First Man made a mental note to have one of his bitches, or two, come see him later. He had done it with Lute as she was his most devoted but Adam regretted doing so. Lute got clingy. Adam didn't do clingy.
"Trouble Adam?"
"Woah! Jesus, Sera you gotta stop doing that!" Adam exclaimed, hating it whenever she pulled that stunt.
"Your Highness," Lute bowed to the High Seraphim, "It's barely been a day. We have time to make leeway."
"Oh, God, help!"
CRUNCH.
Well, there went exterminator number six.
Sera wasn't convinced and had a look of disgust as her gaze landed upon the vilest of God's creatures. Initially nothing more than the size of a wolf, the leviathans had mutated thanks to Lucifer's folly. Now they were incredibly large quadruped and biped-like creatures that lacked eyes, had pickle-green skin with red marks, immense jaws that dripped an acidic drool, and jagged yellow teeth inside and even outside their mouths, many of which were broken. They were abominations. She couldn't understand why the Almighty didn't wipe them out. She already had reservations when it came to the Purge, necessary evil though it was given Hell's ever-expending populace, but had even greater reservations when it came to allowing Adam and the army to use the leviathans. To say they were dangerous was like saying archangels were strong. Huge understatement.
Speaking of which, "Have you heard anything from Lady Michelle."
"Not since she tried fucking the demon prick in front of us," Adam had been mad about that on so many levels.
"I read the report," it confused Sera to no end why Lady Michelle would debase herself that way, but it wasn't her place to question the methods of the archangels. They were an odd bunch, to be certain. Powerful, but odd. But the revelation of such a demon, a supposed sinner no less, with that much power, unnerved the High Seraphim greatly.
CRUNCH!
"Oh, God, my legs! My legs!" and now number seven was crippled. Meh! She didn't need legs to fight.
"For your sake, I'd better see results in three months time. If not, I won't allow it to go through. Three months, Adam," Sera told him.
"Got it!"
"It will be done Your Highness," Lute bowed.
Sera said no more and disappeared in a show of light.
"We won't be able to do this in three months."
"You wanna FUCKING SAY THAT AGAIN!" Adam grabbed Lute.
"I don't want to admit it either, sir. I'd rather shove a broken sword up my ass!"
"Woah, fuck sakes, Lute. TMI," Adam didn't need to know that.
"Sir, the leviathans are powerful creatures that even the archangels are weary of and they are the only ones who can even remotely control them."
"You saying I can't!"
"I'm saying, sir, that we might need to consider getting help," Lute said.
"That's just another way of saying I can't fucking do this!"
"Sir, do you want the Seraphim to cancel your favourite day of the year?"
"Hell no!" but Adam was too proud to get help either.
"We might not have a choice then," Lute explained.
CRUNCH!
"We also can't keep losing exterminators, either," it took months of intense training to see if a like-minded angel was qualified to be one and said numbers were usually low. Those that didn't make the cut were initially silenced discreetly. When she learned of it, Sera had since put a stop to that by wiping their memories instead, a fact Lute didn't care for. If one wasn't up to the task of being an exterminator then what use were they to Heaven?
Adam was torn. On the one hand, he didn't want to ask for help. Only pussies asked for help! Getting authorization to use the leviathans wasn't help, that was just making them even more awesome than they were. On the other hand, "Fuck! All right. If we can't fucking get these shits under control in a month, we'll look around."
"Already have one person in my mind, sir."
"Shit! Already?" talk about fucking convenient, "Who?'
"...You're not gonna like it," Lute hesitated.
"I'll be the fucking judge of that. Spill!" Adam ordered.
"Your ex."
"FUCK. NO!" Adam didn't like it.
"Lilith's voice is a powerful tool, sir."
"Don't have to tell me," she was a grade-A cunt, but Adam couldn't deny that Lilith had a pretty sweet mouth and a decent set of lungs, too.
"If we can get her to-"
"I ain't gonna go to her for fucking help. You honestly think she would?"
"If she wants her deal to remain intact."
"HA! You don't know the bitch as well as I do," deal or no deal, Lilith wouldn't help. Not with this at least.
"...There is someone else."
"And you brought up my ex first, why?"
"Because this person is many times worse," Lute told him.
"Uh, okay, I'll bite. Who?"
"War."
"...What was the first option again?" Adam would admit that option B was worse than going to Lilith. That red-dressed bitch was fucking nuts! One was lucky enough to get a meeting with her. Luckier still if they came back alive.
The Four Horsemen were one of the few beings that could outmatch the archangels in terms of power.
(An Hour Later in Hell)
The screaming match between Vaggie and Charlie after the unintentional reveal had been heard throughout the entire hotel. Naruto and Michelle had awkwardly tried not to listen in, while the rest, Kurama included, ate popcorn as though they were watching a movie. Jerks! Both Charlie and Vaggie had since left. Charlie had claimed it was to go and convince new recruits to join, and while true many knew it was mainly for Charlie and Vaggie to cool off and collect themselves. And one archangel was feeling incredibly guilty.
"Oh, I fucked up big time," Michelle felt like utter crap.
"Dat's putten it lightly," Angel's comment had Michelle leave the lobby and make her way up the stairs.
"Not helping Angel!" Naruto told him. Sure, he didn't care for Michelle's advances but that didn't mean one should beat a dead horse.
"Wat? I'm agreeing wit 'er! Besides she's a tough chick."
"Ever heard of 'silence is gold?'" Naruto asked.
"Meh."
"How about 'shut up, or I'll punch your face in?'. Ever heard that one?" Kurama gave his two cents.
Angel wisely held back any retorts this time.
Naruto went after Michelle, damn his bleeding heart and a soft spot for crying women, and found the archangel in her room, a room Michelle received after her failed attempt to convince her niece to allow her to stay in the same room as the object of her affection. Naruto realized it was quite spartan. Large, but spartan. There was only a very large bed and a section that was clearly meant for training purposes. Given that Michelle was a warrior, and Heaven's best fighter, Naruto shouldn't have been surprised.
The archangel was currently punching what Naruto could sense was a highly reinforced and magically imbued dummy. Her movements were fast, strong, and precise. There were no wasteful movements and her blows were solid and firm.
"Go away," Michelle told him.
Oh, sure, now she didn't him near her, "Not happening."
BAM! The sound of the blow reminded Naruto a lot of Tsunade-baachan's.
But Michelle didn't know that, "That it?"
Michelle stopped, "What?"
"I'm asking if that was it. I mean for someone claiming to be Heaven's greatest warrior that was a pretty weak punch."
"Weak!" Michelle was insulted. She was far from weak.
"Prove me wrong," Naruto entered the training area and entered a stance, "Or are those chicken wings behind your back?"
Michelle gaped at him for the sheer audacity of the comment, but she complied nonetheless. Despite towering over Naruto by a good four feet, the blond Jinchuriki didn't waver when the blows were finally exchanged.
Despite their initial bout ending in her defeat, Michelle was proving exactly why she was called Heaven's Greatest Warrior. Her blows were furious, wild, and fast that many would not be able to keep up, but despite how her arms moved it was clear the control she had over her attacks. It made Naruto think of Rock Lee and Might Guy if he was honest. But Naruto had senjutsu training and mastery over a Tailed-Beast's chakra with intent sensing capabilities.
The blows she shot at him were either dodged or blocked and the odd parry and counter here and there were sent her way. Most of them were blocked, others not so much. Neither of them were going all out. If they did, the Hazbin Hotel would be no more than rubble, and that would make Charlie cry. And Naruto hated to see crying women. Damn, Ero-sennin and his stupid lessons on chivalry towards women.
"Oh, nice one!" and it was. The kick clipped his eyebrow.
"Thanks," Michelle accepted the compliment.
Seeing how she had perked up, Naruto got to the point, "Look. You messed up. You're flawed. So what? I couldn't tell you how many times I made an ass outta of myself assuming things."
"I can!" Kurama chimed in.
"Shut up!...Wait a minute! OOOFF!" Naruto felt a kick land on his stomach that sent him into the wall with a loud bang. Luckily the room was reinforced, "...Ow."
"Oh, shit! Are you okay!" Michelle helped him down.
Instead of answering, Naruto marched to the door, opened it, and saw Kurama, Angel, and Niffty listening in, "The Hell guys!"
"BAIL!" all three ran.
"Assholes!" Naruto made a mental note to prank their asses.
"Kehahahahahaha!" Michelle laughed, "Oh, I needed that. Thanks."
"No prob."
"Also, Michelle one, Naruto one."
"What? That didn't count! I was distracted!" Naruto knew it was a weak argument though.
"Doesn't matter. Distracted or not, you lost," Michelle teased him.
"Rematch!" Naruto demanded. Nearly one-hundred and seventy or not, the blond still had his competitive streak.
"Gladly!" Michelle grinned. She was gonna enjoy this.
(A few minutes later)
Angel glanced up from the couch watching as Charlie and Vaggie came back from their latest outing. Charlie slumped face-first onto another couch, "No luck, huh?"
"Not a single new recruit," Vaggie told him.
"Yeah, well, who wouldn't want ta spend their last days not fucken and fighten?" powerful as Naruto was the blond couldn't be everywhere at once, "So...You twos good?"
"That's none of your-"
"Vaggie, it's fine," Charlie cut her off, "Look, I'll admit I'm not ... happy, but given the circumstances...ha... it's not exactly an easy thing to tell."
"Charlie-"
"Don't! I'll be fine. Just...Just give me some time, okay?" Charlie implored.
Taking Charlie's hand, Vaggie nodded, "Take all the time you need. You know where to find me."
"Ugh, seriously? Can you twos be any cornier?" Angel felt like he was watching a bad B-rate romance movie.
"Te mataré a puñaladas! (I'll fucking stab you to death!)" Vaggie cursed.
"So, on another topic, how many showed up?" Charlie hoped it was a lot.
"Countin' the ones you brought in? Uh...nadda," Angel dashed said hopes.
"You could have just said no, Angel," Vaggie told him.
"Well, ask a stupid questi-"
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"...Yer shittin' me, right?"
Going to the hotel's entrance, Vaggie opened it to reveal someone she did not expect: Sir Pentious.
"Why, hello my dear. May-Ahhh!" the serpent demon was cut off by Vaggie punching him in the face, cowering in fear when Vaggie pointed her spear at his neck, his hat reflecting his emotions.
"Wait, wait, wait! I come in peasssse," Pentious held up a peace sign, hoping it would convince the fallen angel.
Vaggie didn't buy it, "What are you doing here?"
"Vaggie, what's the problem? Ho! Hello again!" Charlie greeted lively.
"She always this chipper?" Kurama asked Husk; noting similarities between Charlie and a much younger Naruto.
"Better get used to it," Husk handed Kurama a drink, "This helps."
"Thanks," Kurama took a swig and immediately spat it out, "The fuck kind of booze are you serving?"
"Cheap shit," it was all they had anyway. It was all they could afford.
"Clearly!" that was easily one of the worst things Kurama ever drank.
"Are you fucking nuts?" Angel was heard arguing from the doorway, "Dis chump was trying to kill us like literally six hours ago! And now you wanna bring 'im in here to live wit us?"
"Absolutely! This place is about second chances, and who deserves one more than this slithery… slippery… special little man!"
Yeah, definitely like Naruto, Kurama noted. This outta be entertaining.
"Aren't you supposed to protect this place?" Angel asked Vaggie.
The former exterminator would have agreed but Charlie gave her puppy-dog eyes, and Vaggie, still feeling guilty and hoping this would help along their reconciliation gave in, "Haa...I guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine... or even with the war machine to be honest."
"Oh," the comment saddened the inventor. He did his best damn it!
Charlie was ecstatic, "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Charlie smiled and kissed Vaggie on the cheek, hugging and twirling her girlfriend around in the air. Vaggie was smiling too. So far so good at redeeming herself.
"Sir Pentious! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! You won't regret this!"
"Oh, no, darling! Thank you! You won't regret this."
"Ha! I give you a week, tops," Angel said.
"I'll take that action!" Husk took out a small stack of cash.
Kurama however, whispered to Vaggie as she walked by, "Watch him," the fox sensed ill-intent from the serpent. Not much, but it was there still.
Vaggie looked at the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, and the look on his face said everything. She made a mental note to keep an eye on Pentious.
"So, this is the bar and this is Husk the bartender. This is the curtain, and this is the new wall after you broke the last one- and over here we-Ahh! Oh! Uh, here we have Alastor! Our gracious facility manager! Alastor, you've met our newest guest Sir Pentious…hehehe.." Oh, this was awkward. Of all the times for the Radio Demon to reappear.
"Ah, yes! You're the one who ruined my coat...I definitely remember you now!" Alastor's eyes glowed red, his tone sinister. Pentious gulped fearfully, having second thoughts about all this.
"Hmm, not bad," Kurama had to give credit where credit was due. Alastor had a knack for intimidation.
"Right. Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson: How to apologize! The first step to becoming a better person is to admit when you are wrong. Why don't you give it a try, Sir Pentious?" Charlie told him.
"Uh...Yes.. um... Mr. uh.. Radio Demon, sir. Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat... uhm... here. As a token of apology," Pentious fished out and gave back the small fabric he had torn from Alastor's coat.
"Ah-ho! Not many people have been able to take even this much off me. It must have meant quite a lot to you," despite sounding appreciative, Alastor burnt the torn piece of clothing with green flames. The act left both Pentious and Charlie worried. Fortunately, Alastor did nothing else and so Charlie recommenced the hotel tour.
"Harder!" that is, until everyone heard a noise and a small shudder.
"Um, what wassss that, exactly?" Pentious asked.
"Am I wrong or did dat sound like... Nah, couldn't be...could it?"
"I'm sure it was nothing," Charlie dismissed it and continued with the tour.
"HARDER!" another, stronger shudder reverberated through the walls.
"There it isssss again!"
"Okay, we all heard dat, right!"
"I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING!" Charlie shouted, a twitch developed in her eye.
"Babe! Calm dow-"
"Relax. It's just the brat training with Michelle to cheer her up. Once he gets going he gets pretty worked up and then starts going all out," Kurama explained to some, and reminded the rest.
"Oh, right. Lame," Angel went back to his phone.
Charlie, however, was relieved, hating that her mind was in the gutter. Besides, Naruto made it clear he had no intentions for her aunt anyway, "Oh! Well, if that's the ca-"
"FUCK ME HARDER, YOU BLOND STUD!"
... Well, so much for not being interested.
"Then again, I could be wrong. WAY TO GO, BRAT!" Kurama cheered from the bar. Michelle was a very choice piece of ass. And what an ass it was.
Charlie's right eye began to twitch uncontrollably once more, "This isn't happening."
Sadly for her sanity, it was, and it got worse.
"OH, GOD! SPANK MY ASS!" Michelle yelled.
"Please don't!" Charlie prayed her grandfather allowed his only grandchild this one small merc-
SLAP!
The sound was heard loud and clear in the lobby. Okay, Charlie's grandfather was dead to her now.
"Told ya he was da bottom," Angel snarked.
"I dunno. They could be doing it doggy-"
"LALALALALALALA!" Charlie loudly chanted. She was not hearing this!
"Oh, for fuck sakes," Husk began drinking; he really wished they had stronger booze.
"Oh, my! I do hope that bed's sturdy enough," Alastor's smile was nastier than usual. The comment only served to enhance the twitching in Charlie's eye.
"Why? What are they doing?" Niffty asked him.
"AGAIN!" another loud slap was heard, followed by a loud throaty, "YEEEES!"
"Lucky bitch," Angel groused.
Another shudder was heard, followed by the loud sound of something breaking. It didn't take them much to put two and two together. So much for that that bed.
"DON'T STOP!" but Michelle's cries continued nonetheless, along with the rhythmic shudders.
"Let's go see the garden!" Charlie suddenly announced to Pentious; her face had a demented look that scared him.
"Um, I don't recall ssssseeing one out th-"
"JUST GO OUTSIDE!" a full-on demon Charlie ordered; Pentious listened.
Ding-dong!
"...We have a doorbell?" Charlie asked. Vaggie shrugged. It was news to her too.
Opening the door, everyone looked to see the form of a very tall, almost as tall as Michelle, dark-grey furred wolf-like hellhound wearing a black trench coat enter the hotel, "Buenas tardes (Good afternoon). Is this the hotel where the arcángel resides?" he asked.
"Nope! No archangel here!" Charlie denied; her twitch now back.
"HARDER!"
"...What was that?"
"A good poundi-"
"What he means to say is ... I'm sorry I didn't get your name," Charlie asked.
"Call me D," D introduced.
"D? Da hell kind 'o name is dat?"
"Angel!" Charlie chastised, "Sorry about him. So, Mr, uh, D, was it? Is that short for something?"
"It is," D grinned.
"And dat would be?"
"DEATH!" echoed the red-eyed wolf's sudden response, the walls around them distorted by the simple word, breaking like glass, and the room filled with darkness and power that was greater than even Naruto's, and all of them except Alastor and Kurama were scared, though the latter two were unnerved, "And I don't mean it metaphorically, or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or any other fancy way. I'm Death. Straight. Up."
"OH, SHIT!" Husk and Angel hugged themselves; Niffty was left in a daze; Vaggie was standing in front of Charlie. Pentious, meanwhile-
"THIS IS AGENT PENTIOUS! I NEED BACKUP! VOX, CAN YOU HEAR ME!" a scared Pentious shouted into his watch, revealing himself to be a spy.
"Called it!" Kurama and Alastor laughed when they saw Vaggie's fear was overcome by her anger; the angel trying to skewer the snake demon with her spear.
"YOU SNEAKY SONOVA-"
"What the hell is going...uncle D?" looking up to the second floor, everyone was greeted by the sight of a naked archangel covering herself with a duvet!
"Oh, god," it was official to Charlie, this was officially one of the, if not the, worst days of her life.
"Oh! How very Greek," Alastor commented.
"'Ola, Micaela (Hello, Michelle)," Death greeted his niece; his oppressive aura now gone, and the room returned to normal, "Cómo has estado? (How have you been)?"
"Well, I was in the middle of something amazing, uncle. Do you have to do that every time you introduce yourself?"
"I needed my power fix."
"Wait, back da fuck up! Death's yer uncle? Death! As in the spooky skull, black-robed, scythe-wielding guy that comes for ya when you've kicked the bucket?! Dis guy!?"
"I mean, he's been around for as long as dad, so for all intended purposes... Yeah, pretty much," Michelle revealed, and he was also one of the only beings on par with the Almighty, too.
"You've got one fucked up family tree, ya know dat?" Angel told Charlie.
"You don't have to tell me," Charlie had a hard time enough time wrapping her head around the first time she'd been told that Death was her Great-Uncle. She had never met him, and even if she did she couldn't remember. Death had a habit of changing his appearance every now and then. The whole 'death comes in many forms' thing he had going on.
"Uncle D, why are you here?"
"Simple, miha. I've come to see the man who I hear has finally caught my niece's eye. To see if he's worthy of her," Death's chuckle turned everyone's spines into pure ice.
"And if he isn't?" Kurama asked.
Death merely took out a pair of wicked scythes, and chuckled, "Then I hope he had a good life."
Few beings had ever unnerved Kurama. Madara, Hashirama, Kaguya, and even Sasuke to a minor extent to name a few, but the Shinigami had been the one that unnerved him the most. And this guy was the Death God's equal by how much he unnerved the two-thousand-year-old Tailed-Beast.
"Can I at least finish having sex before you meet him?" Michelle's reply floored all but three of the hotel's residents.
"Oh, of course, my apologies for the interruption! I'll make myself comfortable. Gato! Your finest!" Death ordered; Husk wished he wasn't the bartender right now. He had the impression Death wasn't a cat person.
What Death, and everyone not including Kurama, didn't count on was Naruto's stamina. By the time Naruto and Michelle were done, the former Hokage had broken his previous record. Angel was even more jealous and Charlie's eye twitch didn't go away for days.
Legend of the Kyuubi
Getting out there.
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Chapter Three: This Can't Be Happening
Naruto stirred from his current position, the blond felt like he was coming out of a haze, his body more than a bit sore. More specifically his jaw and his hips. And why did his mouth taste like cotton? The only time he ever felt that way was when he...
"Oh, shit!" he didn't!
"Mmmhmmm," a soft groan was heard, and it didn't come from Naruto.
Naruto raised his head, finding it smothered by two very comfortable pillows that were Michelle's perfect breasts. The former Hokage unintentionally motorboated the two large mounds. Okay, so, this looked bad, Naruto admitted, but that didn't mean that he and Michelle-
"Ohhh!" Michelle moaned as he rose and Naruto felt something tighten around him that it had the blond parrot Michelle's gratification. When it subsided, Naruto looked down, and the jinchuriki discovered why. Both blonds' pelvises were still intimately joined.
"Okay, so, I had sex with an angel," he had no idea how - okay, he knew how, he had sex plenty of times before to be more than familiar with the concept, especially when Hinata became an insatiable minx after they started dating! - or more importantly, why. All Naruto could recall was him and Michelle sparing and then as the minutes passed he began feeling warm and then antsy and then...that was it.
"What happened?" Naruto wondered. Did Michelle cast a spell on him? Something that made him lose his inhibitions? If that were the case, Naruto was less than pleased...okay, given he had sex maybe not. But he would be pissed if Michelle did indeed have a role in causing this.
Sex to Naruto was an act that he only did with those he was close to, and Michelle wasn't one. Not yet anyway. He hardly knew the archangel outside her attempts to get him into her bed and from what he heard of her from others.
"Morning, stud," Michelle greeted saucily.
Oh, shit. Despite his willpower, Naruto found himself hard at the sight of her. Michelle was a physically beautiful being, and her naked form was more than enticing.
"Oooh," Michelle cooed at his reaction, "Come here!"
"Huh?" Naruto found Michelle's legs around his waist, her hand at the back of his head and his eyes widened as she used those limbs to bring him in closer until his lips made contact with Michelle's own; her tongue slipping into his mouth. Naruto wanted to pull back, but confusingly he found himself fighting the archangel's tongue with his own until both pulled back from one another. Their hearts were beating furiously, their faces flush, and their lust mutual.
What the hell was wrong with him?
"I don't know what came over you last night, darling, but fuck if I'm complaining. Though to be honest, I thought you'd be tired after fifty-two hours sexathon."
...Fifty-two hours? Damn! He rocked!
Wait, Naruto, focus! What did Michelle just say? She didn't know what came over him? Naruto counted himself a good judge of character and Michelle didn't appear to be lying. So, if she wasn't the cause, or at least not directly the cause, then what was going on?
"Much as I would love to see if we can break that record. We need to get dressed soon. My uncle's waiting for us," Death was patient but even he had his limits.
"Wait, uncle?" when the Hell did that happen?
"Wow, you really were out of it weren't you?" Michelle laughed. She really did have a beautiful smile when she laughed, Naruto thought.
"Okay, where the fuck did that come-WOAH," Naruto's thoughts were pushed away the moment Michelle pushed him on his back and straddled him.
"So, we'll have to make this quick," Michelle told him, she raised her hips and then brought them down like a sledgehammer. Naruto's senses were ignited once more. And again he wondered why... Ah, screw it! He'd figure it out later. In the meantime, he raised his hips to meet Michelle's.
While this was happening, Charlie sipped on a mug of coffee, her eye twitch was gone, finally. Vaggie on the other hand, had bloodshot eyes, the angel had not slept well in the past two-plus days.
"Fifty-two hours straight...Who the Hell has that kind of stamina?" Vaggie asked no one in particular.
"According to Kurama, someone who made his late wife extremely happy," Husk smirked.
"That was rhetorical!" Vaggie growled at the cat-winged bartender.
"Whoops," the smirk on Husk's face never left. He wasn't sorry.
"All I know is dat if the stud worked for Val, he'd 'ave made the prick happier than Fat Nuggets in shit," Angel told them. And it was true. Any porn star that could last that long would be in the highest demand.
"Can we please not talk about sex for the next little while?" Charlie asked, she fought back the twitch that wanted to make itself known.
"Uh, we're in Hell, toots? What else are we supposed ta talk 'bout?" Angel asked, "Seriously, I got a nothin'. I dunno what else ta talk about."
"Well, for one-"
"Yes, yes, yes, YES, YES! YES! YEEEEEESSSSSS!" Michelle's peak was heard by all.
"...Shit!"
"Cough up," Husk told a pissed Angel. The former porn star began fishing his pockets for what little money he had left. Stupid Naruto. What kind of person had that kind of stamina?
"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!" Charlie shouted, her eye twitch was back at full force once her mind registered what was happening.
"I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna go up there and fucking kill him!" Vaggie swore. No way was she going without proper sleep again! Vaggie loved sleep! Sleep was awesome. Sleep was essential for everyone around her unless they wanted to see an angel go on a killing spree.
"Good luck wit dat. You go up there, ya ain't comin' back, Vagina. And it ain't cuz yer joining the fun."
"Either way, I'll get some peace and quiet," and sleep, beautiful dream-filled sleep. Vaggie could just picture it... Huh? Charlie was right, she did drool in her sleep. Go figure.
"Leave them be."
"How is this not bothering you!" Vaggie asked Charlie's great-uncle.
The wolf merely continued to sip his coffee, "When you've lived as long as I have and seen everything I've seen, almost nothing fazes you after a certain point."
Charlie sorely wished she possessed such a trait at the moment. Sadly, she didn't so she decided to do something she rarely did. Desperate times called for even more desperate measures.
Ring!
Ring!
Ring!
"Charlie?"
"Dad, I need your help!" Charlie told him.
"Ha! You pay up!" Angel told Husk, their roles now reversed.
"Shit!"
"Oh, ah, sure sweetie! You name it! Anything in my power is yours for the asking," Lucifer was heard saying.
"Great! I need you to come and convince auntie Michelle to go back to Heaven."
...
"...Dad? You still there?"
"Yeah...that's, uh, that's a big no."
"DAD!" Un-freaking-believeable!
"Sweetie, I love you...but you're aunt scares the panties off me."
"You wear panties?"
"Don't judge! They offer a lot of-wait a minute, who the fuck is this?" Lucifer just realized the voice didn't belong to his daughter.
"Name's Angel Dust. Nice to hear da voice belonging to da big dick in charge," Angel answered.
"Angel, give me back my phone!" Charlie ordered him.
"Hold on! I got one more question. So, Big Dick, got any pics ya can send?"
"ANGEL!"
"Hah!" Angel cackled as he passed the phone back to its owner.
"Thank you," but Charlie wasn't done, "Sic' him, Vaggie."
"With pleasure!" the former exterminator was going to enjoy this immensely. Charlie normally didn't do something like this, but she was tired, cranky and not in the right frame of mind right now.
"Not cool!" Angel ran for his life. A mad, in both senses of the word, fallen angel hot on his trail.
"Sorry, about that, dad," Charlie apologized.
"Was that Angel Dust? Why are you with the porn star?"
"...I'm probably gonna regret asking, but how do you know who he is?"
"Charlie, sweetie...only ask questions you want the answers to, not the ones you don't," Lucifer advised. And as far as advice went, Charlie realized it was actually one of the best he gave her. Which was really sad when she thought about it.
"OH, YEEEES!"
"...What was that?"
Oh, right the reason why she was calling.
"Auntie Michelle," Charlie decided not to beat around the bush.
"And, uh, why is she screaming like that, exactly?"
"Only ask questions you want the answers to, dad," Charlie reminded him
"Charlie!" Lucifer pushed back. Hating having his own words shot back at him.
Well, he pushed for an answer, so Charlie gave him one, "She's having sex...with Naruto."
"...What?" Lucifer thought he heard wrong, "She's doing what?!"
"You heard what I said."
"THAT BLOND PRICK IS SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER!? ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A STROKE!?"
"You asked!" Charlie told him, her father was heard muttering a few things in the background, and she heard the telltale sounds of things being destroyed. And, some... squeaky toys? For the sake of her lingering sanity, Charlie decided she didn't want to know.
"Didn't take it well?" Vaggie asked, Angel was a slippery fucker despite how tall he was.
"Nope," the sounds coming from her phone backing it up.
"Qué sorpresa (What a surprise)."
Lucifer eventually came back to his phone after calming down, "Okay. How long has this been going on!"
"Only the last couple of days. They went fifty-two hours straight and now they're back at it. That's why I'm calling. They're driving me crazy! You need to get her out of here," Charlie's eye twitched again. She was certain it was only a matter of time before it turned into a full-blown stroke.
"..."
"Dad?"
"Fifty-two hours? Respect. Your mom and I could only go thirty-six hours straight. Forty-three if Eve was involved. Hey! I just remembered! That was the night you were conceived! Thanks for reminding me, sweetie!"
Clack!
Thud!
"...Charlie? You still there?"
...
"Sweetie?"
...
"Hellooo?... Hmm, oh, well. Nice talking to you honey!" Click!
Lucifer hung up. The King of Hell was unaware that his daughter had fainted and began foaming at the mouth after what he told his daughter. She wouldn't be calling him back anytime soon. Even when she came to she was incoherent and it took Vaggie quite a while to snap her girlfriend out of it.
And despite Michelle's statement to Naruto, neither left the room until lunch.
So much for a quickie.
(Lunchtime; 180 Days before Extermination Day)
Lunch was awkward, to say the least, evident by Charlie's twitching eye despite trying not to look at Naruto and her positively glowing aunt. Vaggie wasn't exactly pleased either, her eyes reflecting the sleep deprivation that Naruto deduced was more than likely his and Michelle's fault.
Angel was grinning from ear to ear; Husk was pissed at losing his booze money. Kurama was nowhere to be seen, having gone for a walk apparently, but Naruto wasn't worried. The grouchy old bastard could more than handle himself. Niffty was stabbing at any roaches that crawled on the table. Alastor was eating in his room. The Radio Demon was unbothered by what had transpired over the last couple of days thanks to his powers drowning out the sound.
And Pentious, whom Naruto learned was now a resident of the hotel, despite initially being sent to spy on them, was gazing at them with more than a hint of worry and fear. Screwing each other's brains out or not, they were still the Angelslayer and Right Hand of God in his eyes.
Death, on the other hand, was quite civil and sipped from a coffee. When asking Michelle why he looked like a wolf the woman explained how Death could shapeshift from one form to another. Apparently, this wolf-hellhound look was one of his favorites whenever he was in Hell. Hellhounds were looked down upon by many for being a lower class of demon, lower than sinners apparently, and so when many thought him easy prey, Death relished in their fear.
As Michelle put it, 'Uncle D loves the smell of fear. Says it's intoxicating.'
It didn't take a genius to know Death was powerful, Naruto had sensed as such. And he was one of the most powerful entities he ever encountered. And from what he sensed the being's aura was close to that of the Shinigami in terms of feel alone. Similar but different all the same. Naruto was curious about that and guessed it had to do with the fact that since both beings were the embodiment of, well, death, it might be the reason.
"So," Death broke the silence, "When can I expect another sobrina nieta o nieto (great-niece or nephew)?"
Thud!
Charlie's head struck the table.
"...Owie~"
And hurt herself in the process.
"Come on, babe, walk it off," Vaggie comforted
"I'm surprised her aunt can walk," Angel added.
"WAAAHHH!" Charlie wailed as the mental images came flooding back. Damn you Angel!
"WHAT DID I SAY!?" Vaggie reminded.
"Ugh, 'no talkin' 'bout the stud and Michelle fucken' like rabbits for over two days straight,' or any innuendos," Angel parroted.
"...Close enough," he paraphrased the first half but the second was pretty spot on. She'd take it.
"So when's it gonna be my turn?" Angel grinned at him
"When you can beat her in a fight," Naruto pointed at Michelle. In other words: never.
Angel huffed, "Spoilsport."
"Can't deny that he backed up what he said," Husk admitted, still pissed but impressed nonetheless, "Thought you said you weren't interested though?"
"Yeah, wat's with dat?"
"Seriously, guys?!" Vaggie couldn't believe it. Was she invisible here?
"I dunno myself. We were sparing and the next thing I knew, I got hot, antsy, and then after fifty-two hours of sex," he and Michelle high-fived, much to Charlie's chagrin, "I came out of it and found myself naked and in bed with her."
Naruto was still trying to figure that out.
"Don't forget yer mini-marathon," Angel added.
"Angel I swear to God!" Vaggie was very close to grabbing her spear, and finishing what she started. But then she remembered their present company, "Oh, shit, sorry."
"Meh," it didn't bother Michelle.
"Relájate (Relax). Not the first time I've heard others use my brother's name in vain," and he heard a lot worse, too. He was more than used to it at this point, "Speaking of which, is Dios back from his vacation?"
Vacation? God took vacations? That was news.
"Nope. Still haven't heard from him, or know when he'll be back. Can't say I blame him," running Heaven was a serious pain in the ass. She honestly didn't know how her father managed to do it for so long without going insane. Then again, maybe he did given he went on vacation almost two centuries ago.
All she could recall was him saying something about writing a book.
"Back up there. God takes vacations? Is dat allowed?"
"Ever try running an entire universe for eons without any breaks since before there even was one?" God or not, Michelle was pretty sure the old man deserved a break.
"Well, I got fucked fer almost twenty hours straight by different guys. Does dat count?"
"Not even close," there was no real comparison between the two; Michelle was certain Angel was simply bragging.
"Hmm, unfortunate. I was hoping to give him a visit," and when God didn't want to be found, not even the famed reaper of souls could find him, "Ah, well. Onto the matter at hand."
Naruto felt his spin tingle as Death's gaze landed on him. The blond stiffened a bit when Death reached into his black trench coat and Naruto prepared himself. If Death wanted a fight, Naruto wasn't gonna make it easy for him. Living personification of the end of all things or not, Uzumaki Naruto didn't back down from a-wait, a minute was that a clipboard?
"Alright, let's see," next everyone watched as Death took out some reading glasses, "Make my niece happy? Well, those fifty-two hours make that clear. Check!"
The fuck?!
"Powerful? Well, that goes without saying if managed to beat Micaela. Check!"
"Am I in a comedy or something?!" Naruto couldn't believe he was being checked off like cattle.
"Caring towards my niece?" Death looked at the woman in question.
"He was more than attentive towards my needs," Michelle beamed brightly.
"Check!"
Charlie wondered if her father would be okay with his only child committing aunticide whilst she tried as best she could to ignore the comments her great-uncle made whenever he checked off more on his list. The few times she failed in doing this just about made the Princess of Hell lose her lunch and breakfast.
"This is a freaking nightmare," Charlie couldn't believe this was happening. All she wanted to do was create a hotel where sinners came to repent and improve themselves to get into Heaven. This was a far cry from how things were supposed to go. Sure, no plan was perfect, but how the hell did it deviate this far? This wasn't in a hotel anymore, she was living in a damned cuckoo clock!
"Ah, yes, the most important one. Facing Death without fear."
"Pft. I've lost track of how many times I did that," Naruto was half boastful and half serious.
"Really? I don't recall ever meeting you before now," Death told him.
"Come agai-Oh, shit!" Naruto sensed the attack and barely had enough time to summon his Six-Paths Sage Mode to form a Truth-Seeking Ball in the shape of a Bo to block the sickle that came his way.
And even then the blow felt worse than the Fourth Raikage when he he used his Raiton no Yoroi (Lighting Release Armor), and that man's blows made Naruto feel like he was being struck by a mountain. And that was with Naruto using the Nine-Tails Chakra Mode.
"Hmm, good reflexes," Death complimented, "This is gonna be fun!"
Naruto somehow doubted that would be the case...for Death. But he also wasn't one to shy away from a challenge, ever.
"Hold it!"
Both Naruto and Death stopped their charge and looked at Charlie, "Take it outside!" it took her and Vaggie along with Razzle and Dazzle months to get the hotel in its current state. She lacked the funds and magical skill to get it fixed from a fight between two powerful fighters.
"Ah, how discourteous, my dear, allow me," Death brought his sickles down on the ground and scarlet flames suddenly erupted when he swung them forward. The fires circled around him and Naruto in a large round barrier; Death knocked on the flames and those present watched them ripple like water.
"So long as these flames are up, nothing can get in or out. Now we can begin."
"What's going on?" Alastor appeared, having heard the loud commotion.
"Death and Naruto are fighting."
"Oh, well, such a shame I couldn't get to know him better. Best of luck!" Alastor encouraged and then went back to his room.
"Who'd ya think he was talkin' 'bout?"
Husk shrugged. Not really caring, and watched as Naruto and Death met one another head-on.
"HELLO!? YOU'RE STILL IN THE HOTEL!" and now it was on fire. Great! Just great! This place was uninsured!
"Relax, CharChar. Those flames are meant to keep things in. No matter what happens, nothing will get past them. The hotel will be fine regardless of what Uncle D and Naruto do," Michelle comforted her niece.
"Ya do know yer talkin' about da same guy who did the impossible more than once, right?" Angel added. He might not be the brightest bulb but he did observe things.
"...Oh, shit," Michelle conceded to Angel's point, "Maybe back up a bit just in case."
Naruto considered himself a fast individual, and in his time there were few who could keep up with him if he used his Six Path Nine-Tails Sage Mode, or when he absolutely had no choice, Baryon Mode. The latter was his most powerful form but even after decades of training, he could only maintain it for fifteen minutes, twenty if he was really pushing it, but no more than that unless he wanted to pass out for an entire week and feel like total shit when he came to.
But Death was more than able to match his speed, and it was only due to Naruto's intent sensing abilities being enhanced that he was able to anticipate where they were going to strike. The dark grey wolf jumped into the air and kicked off an invisible surface, diving towards him like a hawk. Naruto wisely chose to dodge the blow instead of meeting it head-on and then found himself forced to dodge and block another series of attacks that came his way.
"Okay, so, this chakra mode's not enough," time for an upgrade!
Naruto's chakra cloak shifted once more and while it remained almost the same as before, the power shift was noticeable, as were the irises in his eyes that shifted from pure fox-like ones to becoming a cross when horizontal ones overlapped with the vertical marks.
When Death brought down his sickles once more, Naruto blocked it and delivered a counter too fast for Death to properly block. Death went flying from a kick to the face but was able to right himself just before he landed.
"Bien. Muy, bien," Death was right in his previous assessment. This was fun! And just for that, he decided to do something special. Both sickles we joined together at the handle and then extended into a large double-ended scythe that Death expertly twirled around before going back into the fray.
"Dat it? You'd figure he do betta than dis," Angel commented.
"Believe it or not, Naruto's doing quite better than I anticipated," Michelle defended.
"Yer kiddin'?"
"I'd have lost already," of the Four Horsemen, Death was not only their leader but the most powerful of them. War was second and Famine and Pestilence were tied for last.
Michelle had beaten the last two fairly easily. War she also won against but that wasn't an easy fight to come out as the victor. War was a crazy bitch. But Death? Michelle had never been successful in defeating her uncle despite her training and no matter what strategy she came up with.
Death was the oldest of the Four Horsemen, with the other three not coming into being until centuries after Lucifer and Lilith were banished into Hell. These beings weren't angels, despite the Horsemen being closely tied to Heaven, mostly God, but a physical embodiment of some of the worst disasters that befell humanity. Death was different, he was a primordial that represented the end of all things, a being that existed at the same time as God, the being that represented life.
And right now, said embodiment of the end of all things was finding himself pushed back despite deciding to cut loose. Well, not completely. If he did everyone in the room and then some would be dead from his aura alone. Oh, sure he could bring them back, a perk of being who he was, but that wasn't the point.
The last time he went all out had been when he and his brother got into an argument that got physical. It resulted in the Big Bang. People often believed only Dios had a role in creating the universe. Well, it took two to tango, as the saying went.
And his current tango with the demon that caught his niece's eye was something to behold. Death couldn't remember the last time he had to push himself without going too far without fear of destroying the planet. Right now, Death was using about a little less than fifteen percent of his full might. At best, he could use up to twenty-five percent, any further than that and the negative effects of his power would start manifesting in his surroundings. And even then, one wrong move on Death's part and he could accidentally slice the planet in half.
But Death wasn't about to let some former mortal one-up him. He was Death the Destroyer of Worlds. And he was going to show his niece's los querido (lover) that Death wasn't one to be easily defeat-
"Bisaigeki (Tail-Breaker)!" Death found his limbs and torso bound and wrapped tight by Naruto's tails. Or, more specifically, a clone of his using a less powerful variant of the chakra cloak. For only the original can access the Six Paths Sage Mode.
"Holy fuck! There's two of 'em!"
"Did you forget the fight he had on Extermination Day?"
"Ya mean dat wasn't him just blowin' himself up?"
"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" Husk told Angel.
Death flexed his power and the clone dispersed within seconds. But it was all Naruto needed to land a hit, "Cho Odama Daimao Rasengan (Ultra Big-Ball Great Demon King Spiraling Sphere)!"
Talk about a mouthful.
The ball struck Death's torso and while it wasn't agony, it stung like nothing he even felt before. The humanoid wolf was sent flying and crashing through the wall of scarlet flames and the hotel wall too. The hotel's walls couldn't catch a break. And with Death no longer in the vicinity, the wall of flames that surrounded Naruto faded away, leaving not even a scorch mark. Charlie was thankful for that but remained upset by the damage done to the wall. They just had it fixed!
"Por qué diablos fui a jugar con mi comida?!" Death was heard shouting.
"What did he ssssssay?" Pentious hissed.
"He was wondering why the hell he was playing with his food," Vaggie translated.
"Wait, does dis mean 'is stronger than Death?" Angel Dust was having trouble understanding how that was possible.
"Guess so," Husk was having trouble understanding it, too.
Hazbin Hotel's resident twelve-winged angel made her pleasure known, "I'm so freaking hot rig-Hmmhmm!"
Michelle found Naruto's lips on hers and his tongue forcing his way inside her mouth. The short-haired blonde woman found her ass being grabbed and lifted to Naruto's waist. She wasted no time wrapping her legs around him as their tongues danced with one another while they gave into their desire.
When they broke apart, Michelle was flush and eager to commence here and now, uncaring if they traumatized her niece and her girlfriend further. And then Naruto's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell backwards, taking Michelle with him.
Shit! So much for mind-shattering sex. But more importantly.
"Darling!" Michelle got off the blond and inspected him for any injuries but found nothing out of sorts. Naruto was still out though.
Wham! And now Death was back.
"De acuredo, pequeño mierda! No más tonterí...qué pasó? (All right, you little shit! No more fooli... what happened?" Death assessed their fight would need to wait. Pity, he hadn't had a decent workout in a while.
"He just passed out," Charlie informed her great-uncle.
"After 'im and yer niece got all hot an' heavy," Angel added. Charlie gave him a look, "Wat? No innuendo. It's wat happened."
Despite how crude it sounded, Charlie realized that Angel was being sincere and truly meant nothing by it for once. The white furred spider demon was actually genuinely worried for the blond fox-like demon.
"Move!" Death ordered and approached his dead to the world opponent. Death he was but he had other abilities outside of, well, death. The wolf placed his furred hand on Naruto's chest and after about a minute he rose, "So, that's it."
"What's wrong with him?"
"Hell."
"What?"
"It's not something that can be cured, miha. The boy's new to Hell and how someone reacts to being here varies. It's the energy Hell gives off. hellborn and angels are immune to its effects, as are most sinners. Humans can't stand it and go insane or die if they're lucky. Others, like your prince charming here, can be affected by that energy. Think of it as an allergic reaction."
"He's been here for three weeks. Why's it only affecting him now?"
Death shrugged, "Who can say? Maybe it took time to take effect due to how powerful he is. Or maybe his willpower allowed him to fight off the effects before he finally reached the breaking point? I can only speculate. I'm Death, not a doctor. What I am curious about is why it's affecting him this way. Every case of such an affliction causes affects their more aggressive emotions: anger, rage, hate."
"I know the reason."
"Kurama?" Charlie looked at the returned Biju, "You know what's wrong with Naruto?"
"More of a hunch. I sensed something was happening so I came running. The brat has a unique ability, one that allows him to sense the emotions and intent of others," initially it was only usable through Chakra Mode but over time the skill bled over to the point that it was no longer necessary and became a passive skill.
"Hmm, it wouldn't be enough just for that. I mean, it would play a factor, but not this intensely."
"What about if he can absorb the ambient energy around him?" Kurama added.
"He can do that? Well, if that's the case that would most definitely do it. If a new sinner possesses that kind of ability then they would be strongly affected compared to others."
"Okay, but again, why's it only happening now?" Charlie asked.
"Because of me. When I'm inside the brat I act as a buffer. I'm like an anti-body. You said this place gives off an energy that can affect some. Well, I have the same ability but to me this is nothing, I've dealt with it my entire life, but to the kid? It's messing with him. Without me inside him, it's affecting his impulses."
"So, the reason he fucked Auntie M. here is cuz Hell's screwing with his mind? Cuz the stud said he wasn't interested, and, uh, well, ya know?"
Well, that upset the archangel.
"Not exactly. It's not a case of Hell giving him feelings. It's more a case of ...uh, how do a phrase it? Ah, more like it he is giving in to his impulses more readily and freely."
"So, in other words, Naruto has feelings for Michelle but doesn't act on them but because of Hell's energy he is?"
"Don't know if I'd call them full-fledged feelings, but they are there and without me inside him-"
"Ya know how dat sounds, right?"
Kurama ignored Angel, he'd maul the shorter demon later, "-those emotions are becoming amplified and he's not as in control as he'd like to be. He's aware of what he's doing but at the same time doesn't know the why. Those feelings are all things that are already there inside him, to begin with, but locked behind closed doors. Hell's just opening the door and making him embrace those emotions more freely and more-"
"More like a demon, than a human," Michelle added.
"Exactly," it reminded Kurama of when Naruto first began accessing higher levels of his chakra. In this case, instead of said energy making him give in to his rage and anger, Naruto was giving into his more... primal-fueled passionate side.
"...So, what you're saying is, regardless of Hell's energy, he does want to have sex with me?"
"That's what you took out of this?!" Vaggie couldn't believe this. And she thought Adam was bad.
"The brat wants to bonk your brains out big time, yeah. Hell's just giving him to kick in the ass to go through with it," Kurama guessed that would be the simplified version of it.
"I'll take it!" if those feelings Naruto had were already there, then it meant they could turn into something more down the line.
"Pretty sure ya already took it," Angel snarked.
"Oh, Hell, no! Listen here you-"
"No, you listen, One-Eye!" Michelle towered over Vaggie and stopped her rant, "Do you know how big the dating pool is for an archangel? It's pretty non-existent. My sex life is non-existent. I hit the fucking jackpot with Mr. Three-Legs here, I am not about to let that go to waste! So, I don't care if you go nuts. I've been pent up for countless centuries. Sexually and martially. I'm staying and I'm getting me some good, hard, never-ending fucking and fighting! Got it!"
Michelle's brief but intense flare of her power had Vaggie nodding, not that she had any choice. Vaggie was a fallen angel, a tough one, but Michelle wasn't called the fucking Right Hand of God and Heaven's Strongest Fighter simply because she was the eldest of the archangels. The woman earned those titles. It was like comparing an ant to a human's boot.
"Glad we had this talk," Michelle smiled.
"He's got three legs? I don't see three legs. Was it cut off? Did I miss it?" Niffty asked.
"She means his-" Angel found an angelic spear at his throat.
"Not. a. word," Vaggie ordered. To her dismay, he kept his mouth shut. Shit! And she was so looking forward to stabbing him.
"Will Naruto be fine?" Charlie asked, concerned despite the trouble, and trauma, both Naruto and her aunt put her through.
"I'll just go back in him, and act like a buffer once more," which sucked as Kurama liked walking brat was lucky he liked him.
"That I would not recommend," Death announced, "The boy's going to have to get used to Hell's effects and he'll adjust over time. This will pass eventually. You going back inside that seal of his will only be detrimental in the long run."
"You knew?"
"I'm Death. Like I said, when you've been around as long as I have, you know things and few things faze you. But I'd like to speak with you in private, Zorro."
Kurama blinked and looked to Vaggie to translate.
"It means fox."
"Of course it does," Kurama thought but wondered how Death knew what his true form looked like, "Sorry, kid, but you're on your own with this one."
As Michelle took Naruto to his room and the rest went about their daily activities, Kurama moved away from the group and began speaking with Death in a more secluded area, "Alright, spill."
"That seal he has...it has echoes of my power, or more accurately, of a being similar to myself. Which, cannot be as I've never met either of you, and I am the only God of Death in existence," many religions and mythologies had claimed other gods of death but that was actually Death in different forms. Death didn't belong to any particular religion or myth, but he was remembered by them in one fashion or another.
Kurama was a bit unnerved by those revelations, "How can you be sure?"
"I'm older than the universe itself. I've seen it all and will continue to do so for countless years to come.
"Ever had 'fun' every now and then? Leave behind a gift, so to speak?" Kurama asked.
"I have," Death wouldn't deny the fact he had sex. Sex was awesome, "But I am unable to sire heirs. I have power over souls and death, and imbue others with a tiny portion of my power to assist me. But creating life? That is a power I lack. As a consequence of my mantle, I cannot leave an heir of my bloodline. I can choose one to inherit that mantle if I desire to retire, but that's it."
"You sure?"
Death had a pensive look, "Regrettably. But I came to terms with it long ago."
Kurama sensed no lies from Death, but it also left him with questions, "Fine. Say you're right, what's your theory?"
At that Death chuckled, "If I'm right, and I'm pretty sure I am, you two caballeros are a very long way from home."
Fuck! Kurama suspected it to be the case, but this confirmed it. Oh, boy. The brat wasn't gonna be thrilled. But it begged the question.
Why?
A few hours had passed before Naruto awoke once more, the haze finally wearing off and allowing him to think more clearly. Which was good in the yoko's opinion because Kurama had a lot to explain and the Biju believed in the tried and true method of getting it done and over with quickly. Beating around the bush wasn't going to do them any good here. It had taken some time explaining but Kurama believed he covered it well. That said, Naruto was his friend and wanted to know how he was feeling.
"You okay, brat?" Kurama asked, having finished telling Naruto what he learned.
"...Hah...It's... a lot to take in. You sure he wasn't lying?" Naruto couldn't help but ask. But on the inside, he already knew the answer.
"Pretty sure, Naruto," well, that cinches it. Naruto knew Kurama well enough that the Biju wouldn't have called him by his first name otherwise, "Don't know why either before you ask. Or how we get back, too. We're stuck for the time being."
Space-time travel wasn't exactly the strongest Biju's forte, nor was it Naruto's either. Neither of them had bothered with it.
"Wouldn't be the first time we found ourselves in a bind."
"You're taking this quite well. Then again, you've come a long with from the brat I knew over a century ago."
"I mean, I'm pissed, but it's not like I'm in any rush to get home. The world's been at peace for over a century and the old gang's been gone for a long time now. The only ones left are Orochimaru and Tsunade-baachan and that's due to their respective techniques and Hashirama's cells. Tsunade left Konoha well before Hinata passed, and Orochimaru turned over a new leaf so I'm not worried about him," the woman had returned for Hinata's funeral and stayed with Naruto for a few months before she left Konoha once again for who knows where. She visited from time to time, but the durations much like her visits were random.
Sure, Naruto had half expected to meet his friends and family all once more when he felt his time coming to an end, but something or someone clearly had other plans for him. Why else were they here?
"Well, glad to hear it," Kurama knew from experience when Naruto was lying. This wasn't it. Certainly, it might have been different if he were still alive and he had been forcibly taken away from them, but Naruto had died of natural causes, and his old friends had long since perished. Kurama was certain Naruto would have liked to see them once more, but the brat still had an adventurous spirit in him despite his age.
"So, about you and Michelle."
"Ugh, I don't wanna talk about it," Naruto felt a headache coming on.
Kurama wasn't having it, "Brat-"
"Okay, fine! I'll admit she's hot and having sex with her is awesome. I do have some...desires for her, even before we had mind-blowing sex," if Hinata was hearing this, no offence was meant, sweetie!
"But?"
"Sex is something you should do with someone you care about. At least that's my opinion," Naruto told the Saigai no Ryokō (Travelling Calamity).
"Pretty sure ya do, brat. If you didn't, I'm certain you wouldn't have gone after Michelle to console her otherwise, right?"
Damn it, Kurama! Damn him and his logic!
"Look, I ain't an expert on human emotions. I'm not one. I like keeping my life simple. Sleep, eat, sex, maybe go for a walk now and then, maybe a good fight, too, rinse and repeat. But you know how this works. Spend time with her, get to know her, and see what she's really like. If it works out, then you have a fine piece of ass you can tap whenever ya want!" Naruto was starting to prefer the old Kurama who hated his guts. At least then the damn fox wouldn't be making these kinds of comments, "If it doesn't ...Well, pretty sure she's not gonna take no for an answer anyway. She's stubborn, like you."
Oh, that sounded wrong on so many levels, "You know how that sounds, right? Do I look like a freaking narcissist?"
"Ya really gonna go there, brat? I saw what you and your wife did, remember?" Kurama smirked evilly.
"Hey! We were drunk! And I told you to never speak of that night ever again!" drunk or not, it hadn't been one of his or Hinata's better moments. Nor was it a moment he wanted to remember either. He felt dirty even when he was speaking of it abstrusely.
"I'm just saying, give her a chance kid. Pretty sure Hinata would want you to be happy," Naruto had to agree with Kurama on that. Hinata, bless her heart, would want him to be happy, and vice versa, "and it's not like you're gonna be dying from old age any time soon. You're immortal here, remember?"
"Immortal or not, I'm not looking to get hitched, Kurama," not anytime soon anyway.
"Not saying you should. Besides, you're a demon now. Concepts of monogamy mean shit to us."
"I might be a demon but I was still human for the longest time," sure, Naruto had fantasized about what that would have been like to be with more than one woman at the same time. What hot-blooded male didn't at one point or another? But fantasy and reality were two completely different things. And Naruto had long since matured above such things.
As if he were reading Naruto's mind, Kurama suddenly said, "Carmilla and Michelle on top of one another naked."
Naruto couldn't stop his mind from going into the gutter when the image formed. It was quite the sight. Ooh, they were making o-"DAMN IT KURAMA!"
The Biju's mad cackle was heard throughout the entire hotel alongside Naruto's pissed-off screams.
XxXxX
As Naruto walked down the stairs to the lobby by himself, Kurama had since left to parts unknown, Death too had left for business, and the blond looked to see Charlie and the other hotel residents doing some form of exercise. Michelle he saw was watching from the side with what looked to be some egg-looking demons, she was holding up a video camera and biting her lower lip. Naruto knew that look. Michelle was trying not to laugh.
"Okay, everyone! Now, with a new resident, I think it's important we all get to know each other! So we are going to play a little game. Everyone, follow me. My name is Charlie. I like to sing! And when we get to know each other it's the greatest thing!" at each end of the sentence she clapped her hands twice.
Oh, man, this kid needed help.
"Pentious, you're next," Charlie told him.
"My name's Sir Pentious. I like to build. And despite my stupid Egg Boiz, I think I'm very skilled!" Pentious mimicked.
"Way to go, boss!"
"Very well done!"
"Super-duper!"
"It was? I thought it was horrible?"
"Who ssssaid that?! What you just ssssay to me you fried chicken fetusesss! Sssspeak up!" Pentious hissed at his minions.
What the hell was this? A freaking daycare centre! This was one of the most juvenile things Naruto ever witnessed.
"Good job, Pentious! Maybe try not to threaten anyone when they, uh, critique you. Angel?"
Naruto wasn't surprised by Angel's response, "Dis is stupid."
"This is not stupid!" Charlie clapped twice once.
"Gonna have to agree with Angel," the group looked up to see Naruto walk down the stairs
"Thank you, stud-muffin! I'm outta here!"
"Park it you!" Naruto ordered, and Angel listened, "Don't get me wrong Charlie, your goal to try and redeem sinners is a noble one."
"Thank you!" Charlie was feeling pretty proud.
"But your execution stinks," and now Charlie was feeling less proud, "These guys are grown-ass adults and you're treating them like kids. How are you gonna expect anyone to take your project seriously if they see this?"
"That's...um...uh...hmm...Oh! I have another exercise we can try instead!" Charlie declared.
"Great! Can't be any worse than dis," Angel commented.
XxXxX
"I was wrong. This is worse," Angel Dust couldn't believe the shit he had to put up with for free rent. The spider-demon was wearing a trench coat and a hat like a typical classic gangster from the 1920s. Pentious on the other hand was dressed up like a typical innocent school child, giant swirling lollipop and all.
"Oh, I'm a bad man on the streets who never got enough hugs, now, where's an innocent kid I can sell crack to?... Wow, who wrote this?"
"It's great, right? Keep going!" Charlie told him; Angel didn't need to guess.
"Hey ... you," Angel said.
"Who, me?" Pentious asked innocently.
"Yeah, you look like a kid who could use some… devil's dandruff?" Oh, for Christ's sake.
"Not me! I have to go home and study!"
"Come on kid, it'll make you cool like me …the crackhead. Seriously!?"
"Stay in character!" Charlie ordered; Michelle was shaking with laughter and Naruto wasn't far off. This was horrible but freaking hilarious.
"The only cool thing here is to say no to drugs! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to not have sexual intercourse before marriage!"
"BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!" neither Naruto nor Michelle could hold it in any longer, "Stop! Please, my sides hurt!"
"Fuck dis shit! I'm outta here!"
"That wassss appalling!" Pentious never felt more humiliated in his entire life.
"Why'd ya take to it so well then?" Angel couldn't help but remark.
"Sir Pentioussss doesn't do any half-assssssed jobs!" the inventor declared.
"Yeah, well, I wouldn't wipe my ass wit dis shit!"
"Hey! There was nothing wrong with my script!"
"No offence doll, but there are a few fuck ups in dis script!"
"Name one."
"Uh, da sex thing? Did ya fugget what Auntie M told us?"
...Oh, right.
"Wait, what's thisss?"
"'Bout three-fifths 'o Heaven have fucked before hitching. Go figure," Angel explained.
"Really! But, isn't that, a sin or something or other?" Pentious asked.
"Don't look at me," Michelle said.
"You're the Right Hand of God. Aren't you supposed to know this stuff?" Vaggie asked as though she was stating the obvious.
"Urielle's the one in charge of knowing all of Heaven's rules. I just make sure it's safe and do the cooking."
"Cooking?" Heaven's Greatest Warrior cooked?
Ding-dong!
"Okay, seriously, when did we get a doorbell?" Charlie asked while Vaggie went and opened the door to find a giant laser pointed at her face. Fortunately, the weapon was neither primed nor charged and was merely being rolled in by Pentious' egg-like minions.
"Here's your whatever it is Mr. Boss Man!"
"About damn time, Frank!"
"We have names?" one of the minions asked.
"Uh, Pentious, what is this?" Charlie was concerned; Vaggie was pissed.
"It's my new invention, the Ssssskin Flayer 11,000! Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to finish it before my last fight with Alastor. I'm really looking forward to sssshooting the other residents once it's done!"
"What? Why?"
"Everyone is being too nice. Obviously, it must be a lie. I can ssssense that they are planning to kill me, but when? How? I must be prepared! Ooh, the new parts of my machine are here. Right thisssss way ladies," Pentious instructed the delivery girls.
"Sign, please," one of them said. It was a voice Naruto recognized.
"Blanca?"
Both of Carmilla's daughters turned and had opposing reactions. Blanca was unnerved and ready to bolt, Ana began to bolt too. But in this case, it was in Naruto's chest.
"Naruto!" Ana hugged the blond who rubbed the girl's head.
"How you been kid?" Ana punched in the arm in response.
"Cabron! You never called! You'd better have a good reason."
"I don't have a phone?"
"...Seriously?" the all-mighty Angelslayer lacked a phone?
"Hey, I only got here a few weeks ago!"
"...You're a sinner?" Blanca was highly skeptical for many reasons.
"Badass!" Ana didn't care.
"Uh, hello, my order?"
"Oh, right. Thank you for choosing Carmine's as your number-one arms dealer. We hope you enjoy your purchase."
"Hold up! Carmine? As in Carmilla Carmine the overlord? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"What? She's the top weapons dealer in Hell? Of course, I'd buy from her," Pentious told Vaggie.
"How's your mom doing by the way?" Naruto asked. The casual reveal of Naruto knowing the overlord caused Vaggie's brain to shut down.
"She's good. Bit pissed when she saw what you did had an archangel come down and nearly rapture us but when you kicked that bitch's ass-"
"Excuse me?" Michelle did not just hear that.
"...Who's the old broad?"
Oh, shit! Everyone in the hotel but Naruto, Ana and Blanca backed away. All of them were ready to duck and cover, and in Naruto's case pull Ana's ass out of the fire if it got ugly. Michelle stood up, walked over like a predator stalking its prey, and then proceeded to grab and lift the daughter of Carmilla Carmine as one would a puppy.
"Hey! What's your problem, you old crone?" Ana squirmed.
Michelle simply smiled and then proceeded to unfurl her twelve wings for all to see. Blanca fainted and Ana was shaking instead of squirming, the woman then did something none expected. She proceeded to put the demoness across her leg and started spanking her like an unruly child.
Slap!
"Did you just spank me?"
Slap!
"Ow! Stop that!"
Slap!
"Hey!"
Slap!
"Ugh."
Slap!
"Uhmm!"
Slap!
"W-wai-"
Slap!
"Oh, God!"
Slap!
Slap!
Slap!
Slap!
"YES!" Ana covered her mouth when she realized what she just said for the whole world to hear.
Slap!
"Oh!" Ana moaned.
"Okay, that's enough. Pretty sure the kid's learned her lesson," that and Naruto didn't want to start jumping someone's bones for all to see if he got too turned on.
"Fine. Run along little devil...What's this?" Michelle had been given a card.
"Call me," Ana told the archangel, the girl was blushing, and kissed a stunned Michelle's cheek before she proceeded to grab her dead to the world sister and left the hotel.
"...What just happened?" Michelle was bewildered.
"Pretty sure you just got asked out," Naruto grinned, "Ever gone on a date with another woman?"
"...Well, I did take part in a Roman orgy way back when, so I'm not that unfamiliar with the concept. I mean, when in Rome," Michelle revealed. Naruto and a few others thought that was hot, "Actually, there was this one girl who could-
"LALALALALALALA!" Charlie did not want to hear this.
"Sorry! I almost forgot! Naruto, mom said if either of us ever met again to tell you she wants to talk to you. Here, you'll find her at this address. If you can make it tomorrow all the better," Ana informed him.
"Thanks," it wasn't like he had much going on at the moment anyway. His cash reserves were pretty much depleted. He wondered if Hell had any jobs for former ninjas?
"By the way."
"Hmm?" Ana jumped and Naruto instinctively grabbed her. It allowed Ana to wrap her legs around his waist and wrap her arms around his head to bring him in for a searing kiss. Unlike Michelle, Ana didn't use her tongue. Oh, damn!
"Ooh, big boy, aren't you," Ana purred, patting Naruto Jr when he made himself known, "Mmm. Very big."
Think unsexy thoughts! Think unsexy thoughts!
"Need help with that," Ana whispered.
Oh, shit! Mayday! Mayday!
"You need to go!" Naruto exclaimed, bringing the affectionate demoness off him. Which was an effort unto itself given the present circumstances.
"Tease! Well, you know where to find me," Ana had a sultry look and blew Naruto a kiss, and walked away with her hips swaying tantalizingly. That alone had Naruto fight back the urge to take the dark-skinned demon upstairs and ruin other men for her. Fortunately, for him, she left and Naruto was able to calm himself down.
"Still need help with that?" Michelle pressed her bosom between his head and pressed her hand to his crotch.
All Naruto could recall after that comment was putting Michelle over his shoulder before the more logical part of his mind realized he was once again in bed with the archangel. Charlie would no doubt give him and Michelle the evil eye for the remainder of the next day when he fully came to his senses.
God damn it!
(Sometime Earlier In Heaven)
"Sera, have you seen Michelle lately?"
"Emily, please don't forget to address her as Lady Michelle. And no," Sera told her junior bubbly seraphim.
"Aw, she said she was gonna teach me some kickboxing! Hiyawoooaaaah!" Emily tripped as she tried performing a move like an action hero.
"I can see why you asked for help," Sera laughed good naturely.
"Hey! Don't make fun!" Emily pouted like a child, "So, where is she?"
"She's...on a diplomatic mission," Sera said tactfully.
"...You could have just said she was in Hell, Sera," it wasn't like Heaven went anywhere else as far as Emily knew, "Family visit?"
"If only," Sera muttered.
Sera hoped that Michelle was trying to convince her fallen brother to hand over the one that destroyed part of Heaven. Much of it was already repaired but the fact that a demon did this did not sit well with the High Seraphim. Adam didn't want to hear it but given he was God's Favorite and the perks that came with it his massive ego more often than not overrode his other senses. The army was nowhere near capable of what it once was nor the size and even if the Angelslayer as he was called wasn't in Hell the size of the current army wouldn't have the same impact as before. A five-year break would be ideal to replenish those numbers, but by then Hell would be ready to burst. Millions of people died on Earth each year, with almost seventy percent of them going to Hell according to the readings. It was the only reason she had authorization to use the leviathans, loathed as was to use those despicable creatures. She was caught between a rock and a hard place.
"Lady Urielle!" Sera was torn from her musings and watched as a glass-wearing, haggard-looking insomniac archangel with long blond hair appeared before them, a floating coffee pot following behind her. The archangel was taller than Emily but shorter than Sera, nowhere as tall as her eldest sibling. And Urielle had definitely seen better days.
"Okay, where is she?!" Urielle asked, grabbing the coffee pot and drinking straight from it.
"Uh, who?"
"My blonde bimbo of a sister! Oh, sure, leave Urielle to run Heaven. it's no big deal. She can handle it. FUCK THAT! Sorry! Sorry. That wasn't meant for you. I haven't slept for days. So, I'm just a little wired, you know!"
"Hehehe he...yeah," Emily was a little nervous right now, "I'm looking for her too."
"Tch. Figures the bitch ran off. I just learned the paperwork she supposedly completed was stashed away in her closet. I need that shit done and I need her signature!" Archangel Urielle she might be, and the Pencil-Pusher of Heaven as she was called, but Michelle liked to downplay much of her responsibilities.
Michelle was the Right-Hand of God for a reason. Urielle could enforce certain rules and requests but with dad gone, Michelle and Gabriel were the ones with the authority to make them legit. Gabriel liked to disappear from time to time, and he was ten times more difficult to locate by comparison.
"Sera said she's in Hell," Emily told the stressed archangel.
"Still? Oh, for fuck sakes," Urielle muttered a slew of curses one wouldn't expect to come from an archangel, "Where's that damn blasted...Aha!" Urielle fished out the Universal Remote.
"Why do you have a large purple rubber phallus in your pocket?" a confused Emily asked.
"What? This isn't...Oh, shit..." Urielle just realized her glasses had fallen off her face, and she was indeed not holding the Universal Remote.
"Why does it say 'Thanos' on it?" did the name have a significant meaning, Emily wondered.
"Ignore that!"
Sera palmed her face, embarrassed by the scene. She said it before she'd say it again, 'archangels were an odd bunch'.
"Aha! Here we go. Okay, let's see, Hell, Hell, Hell, found it!" Urielle pressed a button and watched as a screen popped up to show Hell in all its misery. The drone was specially made and none but the angels could see them, "Okay, found a reading!"
Urielle, Sera and Emily watched as the drone flew through the air towards its destination. What a tired and mentally drained Urielle forgot was that despite being in Hell, there were actually two archangels, Lucifer and Michelle. And the sight the drone came upon was not what they expected.
"Is that Lucifer?" Emily asked, "...He's short?"
"He is but a massive pain in the ass," Urielle added, "Looks like he's building something."
"A weapon?" Sera was worried.
"That's it... Almost there... Now presenting... the magic-tastical back-flipping rubber duck! Haha!"
...
...
"Aw, it's cute," Emily smiled. The other two angels couldn't believe what they were seeing. This was the King of Hell? Sad.
"That spits fire!" the angels watched as the seemingly harmless bath toy began spewing flames from its mouth. Okay, that made more sense in the older angels' minds.
Okay, not so cute now, Emily thought.
"Hoo hoo hoo! Hold the applause please, okay. Oh, thank you, thank you...Oh God, who am I kidding? This sucks!"
"Is he okay?" Emily asked.
"I heard Lucifer didn't take his separation from Lilith very well, but I didn't know it was this bad," Sera stated. She almost felt bad for the fallen angel.
"Yeah, yeah, Luci's nuts. Don't care. Moving on! Stupid machine...Okay, here we go," if the drone went elsewhere she didn't want Urielle would smite the Hell out of it. Fortunately, the drone arrived at what appeared to be a hotel and the machine flew until it stopped at a window. And the sight that popped on the screen wasn't what they expected.
"...Why are Michelle's legs' behind her hea-Hey!" Emily's vision was blocked by red-faced Sera, the tall Seraphim's visage was one of disbelief and shame. Why in the world would Lady Michelle-Oh, wow, he was quite the gifted specimen! NO! Bad Sera! No impure thoughts!
"Oh, harder! Yes, yes, yes! Eep! What are you-ooh, never mind! Don't stop!"
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Urielle bellowed, unable to believe it, "I'm running all of Heaven by myself and she's gone to get her rocks off! Oh, that bitch is gonna get it!"
"What's get your rocks off mean?"
Despite Urielle being higher up in the chain of command, Sera gave the archangel a pointed look.
"...Sorry."
"You're not the one who's going to have to explain all this to her," Sera wasn't looking forward to that conversation.
"Kage Bunshin!"
Both Urielle and Sera looked on in disbelief as a clone of the Angelslayer appeared behind Michelle and then proceeded to...Well, it was a scene neither of them would forget any time soon.
Naruto stirred from his current position, the blond felt like he was coming out of a haze, his body more than a bit sore. More specifically his jaw and his hips. And why did his mouth taste like cotton? The only time he ever felt that way was when he...
"Oh, shit!" he didn't!
"Mmmhmmm," a soft groan was heard, and it didn't come from Naruto.
Naruto raised his head, finding it smothered by two very comfortable pillows that were Michelle's perfect breasts. The former Hokage unintentionally motorboated the two large mounds. Okay, so, this looked bad, Naruto admitted, but that didn't mean that he and Michelle-
"Ohhh!" Michelle moaned as he rose and Naruto felt something tighten around him that it had the blond parrot Michelle's gratification. When it subsided, Naruto looked down, and the jinchuriki discovered why. Both blonds' pelvises were still intimately joined.
"Okay, so, I had sex with an angel," he had no idea how - okay, he knew how, he had sex plenty of times before to be more than familiar with the concept, especially when Hinata became an insatiable minx after they started dating! - or more importantly, why. All Naruto could recall was him and Michelle sparing and then as the minutes passed he began feeling warm and then antsy and then...that was it.
"What happened?" Naruto wondered. Did Michelle cast a spell on him? Something that made him lose his inhibitions? If that were the case, Naruto was less than pleased...okay, given he had sex maybe not. But he would be pissed if Michelle did indeed have a role in causing this.
Sex to Naruto was an act that he only did with those he was close to, and Michelle wasn't one. Not yet anyway. He hardly knew the archangel outside her attempts to get him into her bed and from what he heard of her from others.
"Morning, stud," Michelle greeted saucily.
Oh, shit. Despite his willpower, Naruto found himself hard at the sight of her. Michelle was a physically beautiful being, and her naked form was more than enticing.
"Oooh," Michelle cooed at his reaction, "Come here!"
"Huh?" Naruto found Michelle's legs around his waist, her hand at the back of his head and his eyes widened as she used those limbs to bring him in closer until his lips made contact with Michelle's own; her tongue slipping into his mouth. Naruto wanted to pull back, but confusingly he found himself fighting the archangel's tongue with his own until both pulled back from one another. Their hearts were beating furiously, their faces flush, and their lust mutual.
What the hell was wrong with him?
"I don't know what came over you last night, darling, but fuck if I'm complaining. Though to be honest, I thought you'd be tired after fifty-two hours sexathon."
...Fifty-two hours? Damn! He rocked!
Wait, Naruto, focus! What did Michelle just say? She didn't know what came over him? Naruto counted himself a good judge of character and Michelle didn't appear to be lying. So, if she wasn't the cause, or at least not directly the cause, then what was going on?
"Much as I would love to see if we can break that record. We need to get dressed soon. My uncle's waiting for us," Death was patient but even he had his limits.
"Wait, uncle?" when the Hell did that happen?
"Wow, you really were out of it weren't you?" Michelle laughed. She really did have a beautiful smile when she laughed, Naruto thought.
"Okay, where the fuck did that come-WOAH," Naruto's thoughts were pushed away the moment Michelle pushed him on his back and straddled him.
"So, we'll have to make this quick," Michelle told him, she raised her hips and then brought them down like a sledgehammer. Naruto's senses were ignited once more. And again he wondered why... Ah, screw it! He'd figure it out later. In the meantime, he raised his hips to meet Michelle's.
While this was happening, Charlie sipped on a mug of coffee, her eye twitch was gone, finally. Vaggie on the other hand, had bloodshot eyes, the angel had not slept well in the past two-plus days.
"Fifty-two hours straight...Who the Hell has that kind of stamina?" Vaggie asked no one in particular.
"According to Kurama, someone who made his late wife extremely happy," Husk smirked.
"That was rhetorical!" Vaggie growled at the cat-winged bartender.
"Whoops," the smirk on Husk's face never left. He wasn't sorry.
"All I know is dat if the stud worked for Val, he'd 'ave made the prick happier than Fat Nuggets in shit," Angel told them. And it was true. Any porn star that could last that long would be in the highest demand.
"Can we please not talk about sex for the next little while?" Charlie asked, she fought back the twitch that wanted to make itself known.
"Uh, we're in Hell, toots? What else are we supposed ta talk 'bout?" Angel asked, "Seriously, I got a nothin'. I dunno what else ta talk about."
"Well, for one-"
"Yes, yes, yes, YES, YES! YES! YEEEEEESSSSSS!" Michelle's peak was heard by all.
"...Shit!"
"Cough up," Husk told a pissed Angel. The former porn star began fishing his pockets for what little money he had left. Stupid Naruto. What kind of person had that kind of stamina?
"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!" Charlie shouted, her eye twitch was back at full force once her mind registered what was happening.
"I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna go up there and fucking kill him!" Vaggie swore. No way was she going without proper sleep again! Vaggie loved sleep! Sleep was awesome. Sleep was essential for everyone around her unless they wanted to see an angel go on a killing spree.
"Good luck wit dat. You go up there, ya ain't comin' back, Vagina. And it ain't cuz yer joining the fun."
"Either way, I'll get some peace and quiet," and sleep, beautiful dream-filled sleep. Vaggie could just picture it... Huh? Charlie was right, she did drool in her sleep. Go figure.
"Leave them be."
"How is this not bothering you!" Vaggie asked Charlie's great-uncle.
The wolf merely continued to sip his coffee, "When you've lived as long as I have and seen everything I've seen, almost nothing fazes you after a certain point."
Charlie sorely wished she possessed such a trait at the moment. Sadly, she didn't so she decided to do something she rarely did. Desperate times called for even more desperate measures.
Ring!
Ring!
Ring!
"Charlie?"
"Dad, I need your help!" Charlie told him.
"Ha! You pay up!" Angel told Husk, their roles now reversed.
"Shit!"
"Oh, ah, sure sweetie! You name it! Anything in my power is yours for the asking," Lucifer was heard saying.
"Great! I need you to come and convince auntie Michelle to go back to Heaven."
...
"...Dad? You still there?"
"Yeah...that's, uh, that's a big no."
"DAD!" Un-freaking-believeable!
"Sweetie, I love you...but you're aunt scares the panties off me."
"You wear panties?"
"Don't judge! They offer a lot of-wait a minute, who the fuck is this?" Lucifer just realized the voice didn't belong to his daughter.
"Name's Angel Dust. Nice to hear da voice belonging to da big dick in charge," Angel answered.
"Angel, give me back my phone!" Charlie ordered him.
"Hold on! I got one more question. So, Big Dick, got any pics ya can send?"
"ANGEL!"
"Hah!" Angel cackled as he passed the phone back to its owner.
"Thank you," but Charlie wasn't done, "Sic' him, Vaggie."
"With pleasure!" the former exterminator was going to enjoy this immensely. Charlie normally didn't do something like this, but she was tired, cranky and not in the right frame of mind right now.
"Not cool!" Angel ran for his life. A mad, in both senses of the word, fallen angel hot on his trail.
"Sorry, about that, dad," Charlie apologized.
"Was that Angel Dust? Why are you with the porn star?"
"...I'm probably gonna regret asking, but how do you know who he is?"
"Charlie, sweetie...only ask questions you want the answers to, not the ones you don't," Lucifer advised. And as far as advice went, Charlie realized it was actually one of the best he gave her. Which was really sad when she thought about it.
"OH, YEEEES!"
"...What was that?"
Oh, right the reason why she was calling.
"Auntie Michelle," Charlie decided not to beat around the bush.
"And, uh, why is she screaming like that, exactly?"
"Only ask questions you want the answers to, dad," Charlie reminded him
"Charlie!" Lucifer pushed back. Hating having his own words shot back at him.
Well, he pushed for an answer, so Charlie gave him one, "She's having sex...with Naruto."
"...What?" Lucifer thought he heard wrong, "She's doing what?!"
"You heard what I said."
"THAT BLOND PRICK IS SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER!? ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A STROKE!?"
"You asked!" Charlie told him, her father was heard muttering a few things in the background, and she heard the telltale sounds of things being destroyed. And, some... squeaky toys? For the sake of her lingering sanity, Charlie decided she didn't want to know.
"Didn't take it well?" Vaggie asked, Angel was a slippery fucker despite how tall he was.
"Nope," the sounds coming from her phone backing it up.
"Qué sorpresa (What a surprise)."
Lucifer eventually came back to his phone after calming down, "Okay. How long has this been going on!"
"Only the last couple of days. They went fifty-two hours straight and now they're back at it. That's why I'm calling. They're driving me crazy! You need to get her out of here," Charlie's eye twitched again. She was certain it was only a matter of time before it turned into a full-blown stroke.
"..."
"Dad?"
"Fifty-two hours? Respect. Your mom and I could only go thirty-six hours straight. Forty-three if Eve was involved. Hey! I just remembered! That was the night you were conceived! Thanks for reminding me, sweetie!"
Clack!
Thud!
"...Charlie? You still there?"
...
"Sweetie?"
...
"Hellooo?... Hmm, oh, well. Nice talking to you honey!" Click!
Lucifer hung up. The King of Hell was unaware that his daughter had fainted and began foaming at the mouth after what he told his daughter. She wouldn't be calling him back anytime soon. Even when she came to she was incoherent and it took Vaggie quite a while to snap her girlfriend out of it.
And despite Michelle's statement to Naruto, neither left the room until lunch.
So much for a quickie.
(Lunchtime; 180 Days before Extermination Day)
Lunch was awkward, to say the least, evident by Charlie's twitching eye despite trying not to look at Naruto and her positively glowing aunt. Vaggie wasn't exactly pleased either, her eyes reflecting the sleep deprivation that Naruto deduced was more than likely his and Michelle's fault.
Angel was grinning from ear to ear; Husk was pissed at losing his booze money. Kurama was nowhere to be seen, having gone for a walk apparently, but Naruto wasn't worried. The grouchy old bastard could more than handle himself. Niffty was stabbing at any roaches that crawled on the table. Alastor was eating in his room. The Radio Demon was unbothered by what had transpired over the last couple of days thanks to his powers drowning out the sound.
And Pentious, whom Naruto learned was now a resident of the hotel, despite initially being sent to spy on them, was gazing at them with more than a hint of worry and fear. Screwing each other's brains out or not, they were still the Angelslayer and Right Hand of God in his eyes.
Death, on the other hand, was quite civil and sipped from a coffee. When asking Michelle why he looked like a wolf the woman explained how Death could shapeshift from one form to another. Apparently, this wolf-hellhound look was one of his favorites whenever he was in Hell. Hellhounds were looked down upon by many for being a lower class of demon, lower than sinners apparently, and so when many thought him easy prey, Death relished in their fear.
As Michelle put it, 'Uncle D loves the smell of fear. Says it's intoxicating.'
It didn't take a genius to know Death was powerful, Naruto had sensed as such. And he was one of the most powerful entities he ever encountered. And from what he sensed the being's aura was close to that of the Shinigami in terms of feel alone. Similar but different all the same. Naruto was curious about that and guessed it had to do with the fact that since both beings were the embodiment of, well, death, it might be the reason.
"So," Death broke the silence, "When can I expect another sobrina nieta o nieto (great-niece or nephew)?"
Thud!
Charlie's head struck the table.
"...Owie~"
And hurt herself in the process.
"Come on, babe, walk it off," Vaggie comforted
"I'm surprised her aunt can walk," Angel added.
"WAAAHHH!" Charlie wailed as the mental images came flooding back. Damn you Angel!
"WHAT DID I SAY!?" Vaggie reminded.
"Ugh, 'no talkin' 'bout the stud and Michelle fucken' like rabbits for over two days straight,' or any innuendos," Angel parroted.
"...Close enough," he paraphrased the first half but the second was pretty spot on. She'd take it.
"So when's it gonna be my turn?" Angel grinned at him
"When you can beat her in a fight," Naruto pointed at Michelle. In other words: never.
Angel huffed, "Spoilsport."
"Can't deny that he backed up what he said," Husk admitted, still pissed but impressed nonetheless, "Thought you said you weren't interested though?"
"Yeah, wat's with dat?"
"Seriously, guys?!" Vaggie couldn't believe it. Was she invisible here?
"I dunno myself. We were sparing and the next thing I knew, I got hot, antsy, and then after fifty-two hours of sex," he and Michelle high-fived, much to Charlie's chagrin, "I came out of it and found myself naked and in bed with her."
Naruto was still trying to figure that out.
"Don't forget yer mini-marathon," Angel added.
"Angel I swear to God!" Vaggie was very close to grabbing her spear, and finishing what she started. But then she remembered their present company, "Oh, shit, sorry."
"Meh," it didn't bother Michelle.
"Relájate (Relax). Not the first time I've heard others use my brother's name in vain," and he heard a lot worse, too. He was more than used to it at this point, "Speaking of which, is Dios back from his vacation?"
Vacation? God took vacations? That was news.
"Nope. Still haven't heard from him, or know when he'll be back. Can't say I blame him," running Heaven was a serious pain in the ass. She honestly didn't know how her father managed to do it for so long without going insane. Then again, maybe he did given he went on vacation almost two centuries ago.
All she could recall was him saying something about writing a book.
"Back up there. God takes vacations? Is dat allowed?"
"Ever try running an entire universe for eons without any breaks since before there even was one?" God or not, Michelle was pretty sure the old man deserved a break.
"Well, I got fucked fer almost twenty hours straight by different guys. Does dat count?"
"Not even close," there was no real comparison between the two; Michelle was certain Angel was simply bragging.
"Hmm, unfortunate. I was hoping to give him a visit," and when God didn't want to be found, not even the famed reaper of souls could find him, "Ah, well. Onto the matter at hand."
Naruto felt his spin tingle as Death's gaze landed on him. The blond stiffened a bit when Death reached into his black trench coat and Naruto prepared himself. If Death wanted a fight, Naruto wasn't gonna make it easy for him. Living personification of the end of all things or not, Uzumaki Naruto didn't back down from a-wait, a minute was that a clipboard?
"Alright, let's see," next everyone watched as Death took out some reading glasses, "Make my niece happy? Well, those fifty-two hours make that clear. Check!"
The fuck?!
"Powerful? Well, that goes without saying if managed to beat Micaela. Check!"
"Am I in a comedy or something?!" Naruto couldn't believe he was being checked off like cattle.
"Caring towards my niece?" Death looked at the woman in question.
"He was more than attentive towards my needs," Michelle beamed brightly.
"Check!"
Charlie wondered if her father would be okay with his only child committing aunticide whilst she tried as best she could to ignore the comments her great-uncle made whenever he checked off more on his list. The few times she failed in doing this just about made the Princess of Hell lose her lunch and breakfast.
"This is a freaking nightmare," Charlie couldn't believe this was happening. All she wanted to do was create a hotel where sinners came to repent and improve themselves to get into Heaven. This was a far cry from how things were supposed to go. Sure, no plan was perfect, but how the hell did it deviate this far? This wasn't in a hotel anymore, she was living in a damned cuckoo clock!
"Ah, yes, the most important one. Facing Death without fear."
"Pft. I've lost track of how many times I did that," Naruto was half boastful and half serious.
"Really? I don't recall ever meeting you before now," Death told him.
"Come agai-Oh, shit!" Naruto sensed the attack and barely had enough time to summon his Six-Paths Sage Mode to form a Truth-Seeking Ball in the shape of a Bo to block the sickle that came his way.
And even then the blow felt worse than the Fourth Raikage when he he used his Raiton no Yoroi (Lighting Release Armor), and that man's blows made Naruto feel like he was being struck by a mountain. And that was with Naruto using the Nine-Tails Chakra Mode.
"Hmm, good reflexes," Death complimented, "This is gonna be fun!"
Naruto somehow doubted that would be the case...for Death. But he also wasn't one to shy away from a challenge, ever.
"Hold it!"
Both Naruto and Death stopped their charge and looked at Charlie, "Take it outside!" it took her and Vaggie along with Razzle and Dazzle months to get the hotel in its current state. She lacked the funds and magical skill to get it fixed from a fight between two powerful fighters.
"Ah, how discourteous, my dear, allow me," Death brought his sickles down on the ground and scarlet flames suddenly erupted when he swung them forward. The fires circled around him and Naruto in a large round barrier; Death knocked on the flames and those present watched them ripple like water.
"So long as these flames are up, nothing can get in or out. Now we can begin."
"What's going on?" Alastor appeared, having heard the loud commotion.
"Death and Naruto are fighting."
"Oh, well, such a shame I couldn't get to know him better. Best of luck!" Alastor encouraged and then went back to his room.
"Who'd ya think he was talkin' 'bout?"
Husk shrugged. Not really caring, and watched as Naruto and Death met one another head-on.
"HELLO!? YOU'RE STILL IN THE HOTEL!" and now it was on fire. Great! Just great! This place was uninsured!
"Relax, CharChar. Those flames are meant to keep things in. No matter what happens, nothing will get past them. The hotel will be fine regardless of what Uncle D and Naruto do," Michelle comforted her niece.
"Ya do know yer talkin' about da same guy who did the impossible more than once, right?" Angel added. He might not be the brightest bulb but he did observe things.
"...Oh, shit," Michelle conceded to Angel's point, "Maybe back up a bit just in case."
Naruto considered himself a fast individual, and in his time there were few who could keep up with him if he used his Six Path Nine-Tails Sage Mode, or when he absolutely had no choice, Baryon Mode. The latter was his most powerful form but even after decades of training, he could only maintain it for fifteen minutes, twenty if he was really pushing it, but no more than that unless he wanted to pass out for an entire week and feel like total shit when he came to.
But Death was more than able to match his speed, and it was only due to Naruto's intent sensing abilities being enhanced that he was able to anticipate where they were going to strike. The dark grey wolf jumped into the air and kicked off an invisible surface, diving towards him like a hawk. Naruto wisely chose to dodge the blow instead of meeting it head-on and then found himself forced to dodge and block another series of attacks that came his way.
"Okay, so, this chakra mode's not enough," time for an upgrade!
Naruto's chakra cloak shifted once more and while it remained almost the same as before, the power shift was noticeable, as were the irises in his eyes that shifted from pure fox-like ones to becoming a cross when horizontal ones overlapped with the vertical marks.
When Death brought down his sickles once more, Naruto blocked it and delivered a counter too fast for Death to properly block. Death went flying from a kick to the face but was able to right himself just before he landed.
"Bien. Muy, bien," Death was right in his previous assessment. This was fun! And just for that, he decided to do something special. Both sickles we joined together at the handle and then extended into a large double-ended scythe that Death expertly twirled around before going back into the fray.
"Dat it? You'd figure he do betta than dis," Angel commented.
"Believe it or not, Naruto's doing quite better than I anticipated," Michelle defended.
"Yer kiddin'?"
"I'd have lost already," of the Four Horsemen, Death was not only their leader but the most powerful of them. War was second and Famine and Pestilence were tied for last.
Michelle had beaten the last two fairly easily. War she also won against but that wasn't an easy fight to come out as the victor. War was a crazy bitch. But Death? Michelle had never been successful in defeating her uncle despite her training and no matter what strategy she came up with.
Death was the oldest of the Four Horsemen, with the other three not coming into being until centuries after Lucifer and Lilith were banished into Hell. These beings weren't angels, despite the Horsemen being closely tied to Heaven, mostly God, but a physical embodiment of some of the worst disasters that befell humanity. Death was different, he was a primordial that represented the end of all things, a being that existed at the same time as God, the being that represented life.
And right now, said embodiment of the end of all things was finding himself pushed back despite deciding to cut loose. Well, not completely. If he did everyone in the room and then some would be dead from his aura alone. Oh, sure he could bring them back, a perk of being who he was, but that wasn't the point.
The last time he went all out had been when he and his brother got into an argument that got physical. It resulted in the Big Bang. People often believed only Dios had a role in creating the universe. Well, it took two to tango, as the saying went.
And his current tango with the demon that caught his niece's eye was something to behold. Death couldn't remember the last time he had to push himself without going too far without fear of destroying the planet. Right now, Death was using about a little less than fifteen percent of his full might. At best, he could use up to twenty-five percent, any further than that and the negative effects of his power would start manifesting in his surroundings. And even then, one wrong move on Death's part and he could accidentally slice the planet in half.
But Death wasn't about to let some former mortal one-up him. He was Death the Destroyer of Worlds. And he was going to show his niece's los querido (lover) that Death wasn't one to be easily defeat-
"Bisaigeki (Tail-Breaker)!" Death found his limbs and torso bound and wrapped tight by Naruto's tails. Or, more specifically, a clone of his using a less powerful variant of the chakra cloak. For only the original can access the Six Paths Sage Mode.
"Holy fuck! There's two of 'em!"
"Did you forget the fight he had on Extermination Day?"
"Ya mean dat wasn't him just blowin' himself up?"
"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" Husk told Angel.
Death flexed his power and the clone dispersed within seconds. But it was all Naruto needed to land a hit, "Cho Odama Daimao Rasengan (Ultra Big-Ball Great Demon King Spiraling Sphere)!"
Talk about a mouthful.
The ball struck Death's torso and while it wasn't agony, it stung like nothing he even felt before. The humanoid wolf was sent flying and crashing through the wall of scarlet flames and the hotel wall too. The hotel's walls couldn't catch a break. And with Death no longer in the vicinity, the wall of flames that surrounded Naruto faded away, leaving not even a scorch mark. Charlie was thankful for that but remained upset by the damage done to the wall. They just had it fixed!
"Por qué diablos fui a jugar con mi comida?!" Death was heard shouting.
"What did he ssssssay?" Pentious hissed.
"He was wondering why the hell he was playing with his food," Vaggie translated.
"Wait, does dis mean 'is stronger than Death?" Angel Dust was having trouble understanding how that was possible.
"Guess so," Husk was having trouble understanding it, too.
Hazbin Hotel's resident twelve-winged angel made her pleasure known, "I'm so freaking hot rig-Hmmhmm!"
Michelle found Naruto's lips on hers and his tongue forcing his way inside her mouth. The short-haired blonde woman found her ass being grabbed and lifted to Naruto's waist. She wasted no time wrapping her legs around him as their tongues danced with one another while they gave into their desire.
When they broke apart, Michelle was flush and eager to commence here and now, uncaring if they traumatized her niece and her girlfriend further. And then Naruto's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell backwards, taking Michelle with him.
Shit! So much for mind-shattering sex. But more importantly.
"Darling!" Michelle got off the blond and inspected him for any injuries but found nothing out of sorts. Naruto was still out though.
Wham! And now Death was back.
"De acuredo, pequeño mierda! No más tonterí...qué pasó? (All right, you little shit! No more fooli... what happened?" Death assessed their fight would need to wait. Pity, he hadn't had a decent workout in a while.
"He just passed out," Charlie informed her great-uncle.
"After 'im and yer niece got all hot an' heavy," Angel added. Charlie gave him a look, "Wat? No innuendo. It's wat happened."
Despite how crude it sounded, Charlie realized that Angel was being sincere and truly meant nothing by it for once. The white furred spider demon was actually genuinely worried for the blond fox-like demon.
"Move!" Death ordered and approached his dead to the world opponent. Death he was but he had other abilities outside of, well, death. The wolf placed his furred hand on Naruto's chest and after about a minute he rose, "So, that's it."
"What's wrong with him?"
"Hell."
"What?"
"It's not something that can be cured, miha. The boy's new to Hell and how someone reacts to being here varies. It's the energy Hell gives off. hellborn and angels are immune to its effects, as are most sinners. Humans can't stand it and go insane or die if they're lucky. Others, like your prince charming here, can be affected by that energy. Think of it as an allergic reaction."
"He's been here for three weeks. Why's it only affecting him now?"
Death shrugged, "Who can say? Maybe it took time to take effect due to how powerful he is. Or maybe his willpower allowed him to fight off the effects before he finally reached the breaking point? I can only speculate. I'm Death, not a doctor. What I am curious about is why it's affecting him this way. Every case of such an affliction causes affects their more aggressive emotions: anger, rage, hate."
"I know the reason."
"Kurama?" Charlie looked at the returned Biju, "You know what's wrong with Naruto?"
"More of a hunch. I sensed something was happening so I came running. The brat has a unique ability, one that allows him to sense the emotions and intent of others," initially it was only usable through Chakra Mode but over time the skill bled over to the point that it was no longer necessary and became a passive skill.
"Hmm, it wouldn't be enough just for that. I mean, it would play a factor, but not this intensely."
"What about if he can absorb the ambient energy around him?" Kurama added.
"He can do that? Well, if that's the case that would most definitely do it. If a new sinner possesses that kind of ability then they would be strongly affected compared to others."
"Okay, but again, why's it only happening now?" Charlie asked.
"Because of me. When I'm inside the brat I act as a buffer. I'm like an anti-body. You said this place gives off an energy that can affect some. Well, I have the same ability but to me this is nothing, I've dealt with it my entire life, but to the kid? It's messing with him. Without me inside him, it's affecting his impulses."
"So, the reason he fucked Auntie M. here is cuz Hell's screwing with his mind? Cuz the stud said he wasn't interested, and, uh, well, ya know?"
Well, that upset the archangel.
"Not exactly. It's not a case of Hell giving him feelings. It's more a case of ...uh, how do a phrase it? Ah, more like it he is giving in to his impulses more readily and freely."
"So, in other words, Naruto has feelings for Michelle but doesn't act on them but because of Hell's energy he is?"
"Don't know if I'd call them full-fledged feelings, but they are there and without me inside him-"
"Ya know how dat sounds, right?"
Kurama ignored Angel, he'd maul the shorter demon later, "-those emotions are becoming amplified and he's not as in control as he'd like to be. He's aware of what he's doing but at the same time doesn't know the why. Those feelings are all things that are already there inside him, to begin with, but locked behind closed doors. Hell's just opening the door and making him embrace those emotions more freely and more-"
"More like a demon, than a human," Michelle added.
"Exactly," it reminded Kurama of when Naruto first began accessing higher levels of his chakra. In this case, instead of said energy making him give in to his rage and anger, Naruto was giving into his more... primal-fueled passionate side.
"...So, what you're saying is, regardless of Hell's energy, he does want to have sex with me?"
"That's what you took out of this?!" Vaggie couldn't believe this. And she thought Adam was bad.
"The brat wants to bonk your brains out big time, yeah. Hell's just giving him to kick in the ass to go through with it," Kurama guessed that would be the simplified version of it.
"I'll take it!" if those feelings Naruto had were already there, then it meant they could turn into something more down the line.
"Pretty sure ya already took it," Angel snarked.
"Oh, Hell, no! Listen here you-"
"No, you listen, One-Eye!" Michelle towered over Vaggie and stopped her rant, "Do you know how big the dating pool is for an archangel? It's pretty non-existent. My sex life is non-existent. I hit the fucking jackpot with Mr. Three-Legs here, I am not about to let that go to waste! So, I don't care if you go nuts. I've been pent up for countless centuries. Sexually and martially. I'm staying and I'm getting me some good, hard, never-ending fucking and fighting! Got it!"
Michelle's brief but intense flare of her power had Vaggie nodding, not that she had any choice. Vaggie was a fallen angel, a tough one, but Michelle wasn't called the fucking Right Hand of God and Heaven's Strongest Fighter simply because she was the eldest of the archangels. The woman earned those titles. It was like comparing an ant to a human's boot.
"Glad we had this talk," Michelle smiled.
"He's got three legs? I don't see three legs. Was it cut off? Did I miss it?" Niffty asked.
"She means his-" Angel found an angelic spear at his throat.
"Not. a. word," Vaggie ordered. To her dismay, he kept his mouth shut. Shit! And she was so looking forward to stabbing him.
"Will Naruto be fine?" Charlie asked, concerned despite the trouble, and trauma, both Naruto and her aunt put her through.
"I'll just go back in him, and act like a buffer once more," which sucked as Kurama liked walking brat was lucky he liked him.
"That I would not recommend," Death announced, "The boy's going to have to get used to Hell's effects and he'll adjust over time. This will pass eventually. You going back inside that seal of his will only be detrimental in the long run."
"You knew?"
"I'm Death. Like I said, when you've been around as long as I have, you know things and few things faze you. But I'd like to speak with you in private, Zorro."
Kurama blinked and looked to Vaggie to translate.
"It means fox."
"Of course it does," Kurama thought but wondered how Death knew what his true form looked like, "Sorry, kid, but you're on your own with this one."
As Michelle took Naruto to his room and the rest went about their daily activities, Kurama moved away from the group and began speaking with Death in a more secluded area, "Alright, spill."
"That seal he has...it has echoes of my power, or more accurately, of a being similar to myself. Which, cannot be as I've never met either of you, and I am the only God of Death in existence," many religions and mythologies had claimed other gods of death but that was actually Death in different forms. Death didn't belong to any particular religion or myth, but he was remembered by them in one fashion or another.
Kurama was a bit unnerved by those revelations, "How can you be sure?"
"I'm older than the universe itself. I've seen it all and will continue to do so for countless years to come.
"Ever had 'fun' every now and then? Leave behind a gift, so to speak?" Kurama asked.
"I have," Death wouldn't deny the fact he had sex. Sex was awesome, "But I am unable to sire heirs. I have power over souls and death, and imbue others with a tiny portion of my power to assist me. But creating life? That is a power I lack. As a consequence of my mantle, I cannot leave an heir of my bloodline. I can choose one to inherit that mantle if I desire to retire, but that's it."
"You sure?"
Death had a pensive look, "Regrettably. But I came to terms with it long ago."
Kurama sensed no lies from Death, but it also left him with questions, "Fine. Say you're right, what's your theory?"
At that Death chuckled, "If I'm right, and I'm pretty sure I am, you two caballeros are a very long way from home."
Fuck! Kurama suspected it to be the case, but this confirmed it. Oh, boy. The brat wasn't gonna be thrilled. But it begged the question.
Why?
A few hours had passed before Naruto awoke once more, the haze finally wearing off and allowing him to think more clearly. Which was good in the yoko's opinion because Kurama had a lot to explain and the Biju believed in the tried and true method of getting it done and over with quickly. Beating around the bush wasn't going to do them any good here. It had taken some time explaining but Kurama believed he covered it well. That said, Naruto was his friend and wanted to know how he was feeling.
"You okay, brat?" Kurama asked, having finished telling Naruto what he learned.
"...Hah...It's... a lot to take in. You sure he wasn't lying?" Naruto couldn't help but ask. But on the inside, he already knew the answer.
"Pretty sure, Naruto," well, that cinches it. Naruto knew Kurama well enough that the Biju wouldn't have called him by his first name otherwise, "Don't know why either before you ask. Or how we get back, too. We're stuck for the time being."
Space-time travel wasn't exactly the strongest Biju's forte, nor was it Naruto's either. Neither of them had bothered with it.
"Wouldn't be the first time we found ourselves in a bind."
"You're taking this quite well. Then again, you've come a long with from the brat I knew over a century ago."
"I mean, I'm pissed, but it's not like I'm in any rush to get home. The world's been at peace for over a century and the old gang's been gone for a long time now. The only ones left are Orochimaru and Tsunade-baachan and that's due to their respective techniques and Hashirama's cells. Tsunade left Konoha well before Hinata passed, and Orochimaru turned over a new leaf so I'm not worried about him," the woman had returned for Hinata's funeral and stayed with Naruto for a few months before she left Konoha once again for who knows where. She visited from time to time, but the durations much like her visits were random.
Sure, Naruto had half expected to meet his friends and family all once more when he felt his time coming to an end, but something or someone clearly had other plans for him. Why else were they here?
"Well, glad to hear it," Kurama knew from experience when Naruto was lying. This wasn't it. Certainly, it might have been different if he were still alive and he had been forcibly taken away from them, but Naruto had died of natural causes, and his old friends had long since perished. Kurama was certain Naruto would have liked to see them once more, but the brat still had an adventurous spirit in him despite his age.
"So, about you and Michelle."
"Ugh, I don't wanna talk about it," Naruto felt a headache coming on.
Kurama wasn't having it, "Brat-"
"Okay, fine! I'll admit she's hot and having sex with her is awesome. I do have some...desires for her, even before we had mind-blowing sex," if Hinata was hearing this, no offence was meant, sweetie!
"But?"
"Sex is something you should do with someone you care about. At least that's my opinion," Naruto told the Saigai no Ryokō (Travelling Calamity).
"Pretty sure ya do, brat. If you didn't, I'm certain you wouldn't have gone after Michelle to console her otherwise, right?"
Damn it, Kurama! Damn him and his logic!
"Look, I ain't an expert on human emotions. I'm not one. I like keeping my life simple. Sleep, eat, sex, maybe go for a walk now and then, maybe a good fight, too, rinse and repeat. But you know how this works. Spend time with her, get to know her, and see what she's really like. If it works out, then you have a fine piece of ass you can tap whenever ya want!" Naruto was starting to prefer the old Kurama who hated his guts. At least then the damn fox wouldn't be making these kinds of comments, "If it doesn't ...Well, pretty sure she's not gonna take no for an answer anyway. She's stubborn, like you."
Oh, that sounded wrong on so many levels, "You know how that sounds, right? Do I look like a freaking narcissist?"
"Ya really gonna go there, brat? I saw what you and your wife did, remember?" Kurama smirked evilly.
"Hey! We were drunk! And I told you to never speak of that night ever again!" drunk or not, it hadn't been one of his or Hinata's better moments. Nor was it a moment he wanted to remember either. He felt dirty even when he was speaking of it abstrusely.
"I'm just saying, give her a chance kid. Pretty sure Hinata would want you to be happy," Naruto had to agree with Kurama on that. Hinata, bless her heart, would want him to be happy, and vice versa, "and it's not like you're gonna be dying from old age any time soon. You're immortal here, remember?"
"Immortal or not, I'm not looking to get hitched, Kurama," not anytime soon anyway.
"Not saying you should. Besides, you're a demon now. Concepts of monogamy mean shit to us."
"I might be a demon but I was still human for the longest time," sure, Naruto had fantasized about what that would have been like to be with more than one woman at the same time. What hot-blooded male didn't at one point or another? But fantasy and reality were two completely different things. And Naruto had long since matured above such things.
As if he were reading Naruto's mind, Kurama suddenly said, "Carmilla and Michelle on top of one another naked."
Naruto couldn't stop his mind from going into the gutter when the image formed. It was quite the sight. Ooh, they were making o-"DAMN IT KURAMA!"
The Biju's mad cackle was heard throughout the entire hotel alongside Naruto's pissed-off screams.
XxXxX
As Naruto walked down the stairs to the lobby by himself, Kurama had since left to parts unknown, Death too had left for business, and the blond looked to see Charlie and the other hotel residents doing some form of exercise. Michelle he saw was watching from the side with what looked to be some egg-looking demons, she was holding up a video camera and biting her lower lip. Naruto knew that look. Michelle was trying not to laugh.
"Okay, everyone! Now, with a new resident, I think it's important we all get to know each other! So we are going to play a little game. Everyone, follow me. My name is Charlie. I like to sing! And when we get to know each other it's the greatest thing!" at each end of the sentence she clapped her hands twice.
Oh, man, this kid needed help.
"Pentious, you're next," Charlie told him.
"My name's Sir Pentious. I like to build. And despite my stupid Egg Boiz, I think I'm very skilled!" Pentious mimicked.
"Way to go, boss!"
"Very well done!"
"Super-duper!"
"It was? I thought it was horrible?"
"Who ssssaid that?! What you just ssssay to me you fried chicken fetusesss! Sssspeak up!" Pentious hissed at his minions.
What the hell was this? A freaking daycare centre! This was one of the most juvenile things Naruto ever witnessed.
"Good job, Pentious! Maybe try not to threaten anyone when they, uh, critique you. Angel?"
Naruto wasn't surprised by Angel's response, "Dis is stupid."
"This is not stupid!" Charlie clapped twice once.
"Gonna have to agree with Angel," the group looked up to see Naruto walk down the stairs
"Thank you, stud-muffin! I'm outta here!"
"Park it you!" Naruto ordered, and Angel listened, "Don't get me wrong Charlie, your goal to try and redeem sinners is a noble one."
"Thank you!" Charlie was feeling pretty proud.
"But your execution stinks," and now Charlie was feeling less proud, "These guys are grown-ass adults and you're treating them like kids. How are you gonna expect anyone to take your project seriously if they see this?"
"That's...um...uh...hmm...Oh! I have another exercise we can try instead!" Charlie declared.
"Great! Can't be any worse than dis," Angel commented.
XxXxX
"I was wrong. This is worse," Angel Dust couldn't believe the shit he had to put up with for free rent. The spider-demon was wearing a trench coat and a hat like a typical classic gangster from the 1920s. Pentious on the other hand was dressed up like a typical innocent school child, giant swirling lollipop and all.
"Oh, I'm a bad man on the streets who never got enough hugs, now, where's an innocent kid I can sell crack to?... Wow, who wrote this?"
"It's great, right? Keep going!" Charlie told him; Angel didn't need to guess.
"Hey ... you," Angel said.
"Who, me?" Pentious asked innocently.
"Yeah, you look like a kid who could use some… devil's dandruff?" Oh, for Christ's sake.
"Not me! I have to go home and study!"
"Come on kid, it'll make you cool like me …the crackhead. Seriously!?"
"Stay in character!" Charlie ordered; Michelle was shaking with laughter and Naruto wasn't far off. This was horrible but freaking hilarious.
"The only cool thing here is to say no to drugs! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to not have sexual intercourse before marriage!"
"BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!" neither Naruto nor Michelle could hold it in any longer, "Stop! Please, my sides hurt!"
"Fuck dis shit! I'm outta here!"
"That wassss appalling!" Pentious never felt more humiliated in his entire life.
"Why'd ya take to it so well then?" Angel couldn't help but remark.
"Sir Pentioussss doesn't do any half-assssssed jobs!" the inventor declared.
"Yeah, well, I wouldn't wipe my ass wit dis shit!"
"Hey! There was nothing wrong with my script!"
"No offence doll, but there are a few fuck ups in dis script!"
"Name one."
"Uh, da sex thing? Did ya fugget what Auntie M told us?"
...Oh, right.
"Wait, what's thisss?"
"'Bout three-fifths 'o Heaven have fucked before hitching. Go figure," Angel explained.
"Really! But, isn't that, a sin or something or other?" Pentious asked.
"Don't look at me," Michelle said.
"You're the Right Hand of God. Aren't you supposed to know this stuff?" Vaggie asked as though she was stating the obvious.
"Urielle's the one in charge of knowing all of Heaven's rules. I just make sure it's safe and do the cooking."
"Cooking?" Heaven's Greatest Warrior cooked?
Ding-dong!
"Okay, seriously, when did we get a doorbell?" Charlie asked while Vaggie went and opened the door to find a giant laser pointed at her face. Fortunately, the weapon was neither primed nor charged and was merely being rolled in by Pentious' egg-like minions.
"Here's your whatever it is Mr. Boss Man!"
"About damn time, Frank!"
"We have names?" one of the minions asked.
"Uh, Pentious, what is this?" Charlie was concerned; Vaggie was pissed.
"It's my new invention, the Ssssskin Flayer 11,000! Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to finish it before my last fight with Alastor. I'm really looking forward to sssshooting the other residents once it's done!"
"What? Why?"
"Everyone is being too nice. Obviously, it must be a lie. I can ssssense that they are planning to kill me, but when? How? I must be prepared! Ooh, the new parts of my machine are here. Right thisssss way ladies," Pentious instructed the delivery girls.
"Sign, please," one of them said. It was a voice Naruto recognized.
"Blanca?"
Both of Carmilla's daughters turned and had opposing reactions. Blanca was unnerved and ready to bolt, Ana began to bolt too. But in this case, it was in Naruto's chest.
"Naruto!" Ana hugged the blond who rubbed the girl's head.
"How you been kid?" Ana punched in the arm in response.
"Cabron! You never called! You'd better have a good reason."
"I don't have a phone?"
"...Seriously?" the all-mighty Angelslayer lacked a phone?
"Hey, I only got here a few weeks ago!"
"...You're a sinner?" Blanca was highly skeptical for many reasons.
"Badass!" Ana didn't care.
"Uh, hello, my order?"
"Oh, right. Thank you for choosing Carmine's as your number-one arms dealer. We hope you enjoy your purchase."
"Hold up! Carmine? As in Carmilla Carmine the overlord? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"What? She's the top weapons dealer in Hell? Of course, I'd buy from her," Pentious told Vaggie.
"How's your mom doing by the way?" Naruto asked. The casual reveal of Naruto knowing the overlord caused Vaggie's brain to shut down.
"She's good. Bit pissed when she saw what you did had an archangel come down and nearly rapture us but when you kicked that bitch's ass-"
"Excuse me?" Michelle did not just hear that.
"...Who's the old broad?"
Oh, shit! Everyone in the hotel but Naruto, Ana and Blanca backed away. All of them were ready to duck and cover, and in Naruto's case pull Ana's ass out of the fire if it got ugly. Michelle stood up, walked over like a predator stalking its prey, and then proceeded to grab and lift the daughter of Carmilla Carmine as one would a puppy.
"Hey! What's your problem, you old crone?" Ana squirmed.
Michelle simply smiled and then proceeded to unfurl her twelve wings for all to see. Blanca fainted and Ana was shaking instead of squirming, the woman then did something none expected. She proceeded to put the demoness across her leg and started spanking her like an unruly child.
Slap!
"Did you just spank me?"
Slap!
"Ow! Stop that!"
Slap!
"Hey!"
Slap!
"Ugh."
Slap!
"Uhmm!"
Slap!
"W-wai-"
Slap!
"Oh, God!"
Slap!
Slap!
Slap!
Slap!
"YES!" Ana covered her mouth when she realized what she just said for the whole world to hear.
Slap!
"Oh!" Ana moaned.
"Okay, that's enough. Pretty sure the kid's learned her lesson," that and Naruto didn't want to start jumping someone's bones for all to see if he got too turned on.
"Fine. Run along little devil...What's this?" Michelle had been given a card.
"Call me," Ana told the archangel, the girl was blushing, and kissed a stunned Michelle's cheek before she proceeded to grab her dead to the world sister and left the hotel.
"...What just happened?" Michelle was bewildered.
"Pretty sure you just got asked out," Naruto grinned, "Ever gone on a date with another woman?"
"...Well, I did take part in a Roman orgy way back when, so I'm not that unfamiliar with the concept. I mean, when in Rome," Michelle revealed. Naruto and a few others thought that was hot, "Actually, there was this one girl who could-
"LALALALALALALA!" Charlie did not want to hear this.
"Sorry! I almost forgot! Naruto, mom said if either of us ever met again to tell you she wants to talk to you. Here, you'll find her at this address. If you can make it tomorrow all the better," Ana informed him.
"Thanks," it wasn't like he had much going on at the moment anyway. His cash reserves were pretty much depleted. He wondered if Hell had any jobs for former ninjas?
"By the way."
"Hmm?" Ana jumped and Naruto instinctively grabbed her. It allowed Ana to wrap her legs around his waist and wrap her arms around his head to bring him in for a searing kiss. Unlike Michelle, Ana didn't use her tongue. Oh, damn!
"Ooh, big boy, aren't you," Ana purred, patting Naruto Jr when he made himself known, "Mmm. Very big."
Think unsexy thoughts! Think unsexy thoughts!
"Need help with that," Ana whispered.
Oh, shit! Mayday! Mayday!
"You need to go!" Naruto exclaimed, bringing the affectionate demoness off him. Which was an effort unto itself given the present circumstances.
"Tease! Well, you know where to find me," Ana had a sultry look and blew Naruto a kiss, and walked away with her hips swaying tantalizingly. That alone had Naruto fight back the urge to take the dark-skinned demon upstairs and ruin other men for her. Fortunately, for him, she left and Naruto was able to calm himself down.
"Still need help with that?" Michelle pressed her bosom between his head and pressed her hand to his crotch.
All Naruto could recall after that comment was putting Michelle over his shoulder before the more logical part of his mind realized he was once again in bed with the archangel. Charlie would no doubt give him and Michelle the evil eye for the remainder of the next day when he fully came to his senses.
God damn it!
(Sometime Earlier In Heaven)
"Sera, have you seen Michelle lately?"
"Emily, please don't forget to address her as Lady Michelle. And no," Sera told her junior bubbly seraphim.
"Aw, she said she was gonna teach me some kickboxing! Hiyawoooaaaah!" Emily tripped as she tried performing a move like an action hero.
"I can see why you asked for help," Sera laughed good naturely.
"Hey! Don't make fun!" Emily pouted like a child, "So, where is she?"
"She's...on a diplomatic mission," Sera said tactfully.
"...You could have just said she was in Hell, Sera," it wasn't like Heaven went anywhere else as far as Emily knew, "Family visit?"
"If only," Sera muttered.
Sera hoped that Michelle was trying to convince her fallen brother to hand over the one that destroyed part of Heaven. Much of it was already repaired but the fact that a demon did this did not sit well with the High Seraphim. Adam didn't want to hear it but given he was God's Favorite and the perks that came with it his massive ego more often than not overrode his other senses. The army was nowhere near capable of what it once was nor the size and even if the Angelslayer as he was called wasn't in Hell the size of the current army wouldn't have the same impact as before. A five-year break would be ideal to replenish those numbers, but by then Hell would be ready to burst. Millions of people died on Earth each year, with almost seventy percent of them going to Hell according to the readings. It was the only reason she had authorization to use the leviathans, loathed as was to use those despicable creatures. She was caught between a rock and a hard place.
"Lady Urielle!" Sera was torn from her musings and watched as a glass-wearing, haggard-looking insomniac archangel with long blond hair appeared before them, a floating coffee pot following behind her. The archangel was taller than Emily but shorter than Sera, nowhere as tall as her eldest sibling. And Urielle had definitely seen better days.
"Okay, where is she?!" Urielle asked, grabbing the coffee pot and drinking straight from it.
"Uh, who?"
"My blonde bimbo of a sister! Oh, sure, leave Urielle to run Heaven. it's no big deal. She can handle it. FUCK THAT! Sorry! Sorry. That wasn't meant for you. I haven't slept for days. So, I'm just a little wired, you know!"
"Hehehe he...yeah," Emily was a little nervous right now, "I'm looking for her too."
"Tch. Figures the bitch ran off. I just learned the paperwork she supposedly completed was stashed away in her closet. I need that shit done and I need her signature!" Archangel Urielle she might be, and the Pencil-Pusher of Heaven as she was called, but Michelle liked to downplay much of her responsibilities.
Michelle was the Right-Hand of God for a reason. Urielle could enforce certain rules and requests but with dad gone, Michelle and Gabriel were the ones with the authority to make them legit. Gabriel liked to disappear from time to time, and he was ten times more difficult to locate by comparison.
"Sera said she's in Hell," Emily told the stressed archangel.
"Still? Oh, for fuck sakes," Urielle muttered a slew of curses one wouldn't expect to come from an archangel, "Where's that damn blasted...Aha!" Urielle fished out the Universal Remote.
"Why do you have a large purple rubber phallus in your pocket?" a confused Emily asked.
"What? This isn't...Oh, shit..." Urielle just realized her glasses had fallen off her face, and she was indeed not holding the Universal Remote.
"Why does it say 'Thanos' on it?" did the name have a significant meaning, Emily wondered.
"Ignore that!"
Sera palmed her face, embarrassed by the scene. She said it before she'd say it again, 'archangels were an odd bunch'.
"Aha! Here we go. Okay, let's see, Hell, Hell, Hell, found it!" Urielle pressed a button and watched as a screen popped up to show Hell in all its misery. The drone was specially made and none but the angels could see them, "Okay, found a reading!"
Urielle, Sera and Emily watched as the drone flew through the air towards its destination. What a tired and mentally drained Urielle forgot was that despite being in Hell, there were actually two archangels, Lucifer and Michelle. And the sight the drone came upon was not what they expected.
"Is that Lucifer?" Emily asked, "...He's short?"
"He is but a massive pain in the ass," Urielle added, "Looks like he's building something."
"A weapon?" Sera was worried.
"That's it... Almost there... Now presenting... the magic-tastical back-flipping rubber duck! Haha!"
...
...
"Aw, it's cute," Emily smiled. The other two angels couldn't believe what they were seeing. This was the King of Hell? Sad.
"That spits fire!" the angels watched as the seemingly harmless bath toy began spewing flames from its mouth. Okay, that made more sense in the older angels' minds.
Okay, not so cute now, Emily thought.
"Hoo hoo hoo! Hold the applause please, okay. Oh, thank you, thank you...Oh God, who am I kidding? This sucks!"
"Is he okay?" Emily asked.
"I heard Lucifer didn't take his separation from Lilith very well, but I didn't know it was this bad," Sera stated. She almost felt bad for the fallen angel.
"Yeah, yeah, Luci's nuts. Don't care. Moving on! Stupid machine...Okay, here we go," if the drone went elsewhere she didn't want Urielle would smite the Hell out of it. Fortunately, the drone arrived at what appeared to be a hotel and the machine flew until it stopped at a window. And the sight that popped on the screen wasn't what they expected.
"...Why are Michelle's legs' behind her hea-Hey!" Emily's vision was blocked by red-faced Sera, the tall Seraphim's visage was one of disbelief and shame. Why in the world would Lady Michelle-Oh, wow, he was quite the gifted specimen! NO! Bad Sera! No impure thoughts!
"Oh, harder! Yes, yes, yes! Eep! What are you-ooh, never mind! Don't stop!"
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Urielle bellowed, unable to believe it, "I'm running all of Heaven by myself and she's gone to get her rocks off! Oh, that bitch is gonna get it!"
"What's get your rocks off mean?"
Despite Urielle being higher up in the chain of command, Sera gave the archangel a pointed look.
"...Sorry."
"You're not the one who's going to have to explain all this to her," Sera wasn't looking forward to that conversation.
"Kage Bunshin!"
Both Urielle and Sera looked on in disbelief as a clone of the Angelslayer appeared behind Michelle and then proceeded to...Well, it was a scene neither of them would forget any time soon.
Legend of the Kyuubi
Getting out there.
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Chapter 4: Every Action has a Reaction
(The Next Day; 179 Days until Extermination Day)
When Naruto woke up in Michelle's bed once more, and cursed Hell for being the cause, the former Hokage was surprised to find - or not find in this case, really - that Michelle wasn't in bed with him. Well, at least it meant no potential for a quickie, or further stink eye from Charlie and Vaggie either if both blonds recommenced.
The male blond quickly got dressed-
Rip!
-and sighed when he saw the state of his clothes. They had definitely seen better days. Then again, getting all hot and heavy due to having your mind clouded by the need for sex, clothes generally ended up being the casualties. Well, that and his fight with Death, too.
"And I have almost no money to replace them," much of what he did have was given to Charlie so he could stay here. Naruto was a sinner - a unique one to be sure given what he could do - but he had no intentions of getting into Heaven. Which meant he had to pay instead of staying rent free. He'd feel bad if he didn't.
If Naruto suspected his friends and loved ones to be in Heaven he'd break down the gates and damn the consequences. Heaven didn't get to make the rules after all he did and after what he just witnessed from the exterminators. Sure, many deserved to be in Hell, but Naruto also suspected some didn't and they were only here due to technicalities.
Unfortunately, given Kurama's talk Naruto knew they weren't there. Why he was here - in Hell and what was obviously a different reality - remained the unanswered question. A question he would like answered. And if that answer sucked, well, he'd deck whoever brought him here. The blond might have grown up and matured since his early days but he was still Uzumaki-freaking-Naruto, dattebayo!
But that was a mission for another day. Right now, Naruto needed two things. First and foremost, he needed to find a source of steady income. Second, he needed something to eat. He was starving.
For the former, Naruto knew he could easily rob others but robbing people wasn't his thing unless he had no choice. Oh, he would have no problem robbing others if the money caused suffering but given he wasn't exactly an expert on who and where things were he wouldn't know where to look. And it wasn't like Charlie could hire him to guard the place, she was on a piano wire-tight budget already.
Naruto didn't work for free. And even if it was for room and board, Naruto still needed money for other things, too.
Fortunately, the hunger part was easy to accomplish. Once he left the room, Naruto's nose was greeted by the delicious odour of freshly made food. Which was odd as that wasn't the usual smell that normally entered his nose.
Usually it was alcohol, dust, and cleaning products.
Arriving at the second floor balcony, Naruto saw the hotel residents gathered around a table, some looked like they were eating as if their lives depended on it. Or never ate in the first place.
"God fucking damn! Dis is friggin' delicious!" Angel bit into a sausage, and to Naruto's surprise he wasn't doing anything salacious as he devoured the rolled up piece of meat.
"I haven't eaten this well since...ever!" Husk added. He had been overlord, and a decent one too, and even then the food he ate during that time was garbage by comparison. Even the food he had as a human paled by comparison.
"Mmmhmmhmm!" Niffty appeared to be speaking but the short cyclops-like demon's mouth was full of food.
"Delectable. Reminds me of mother's Sunday breakfast," Alastor was one of the more dignified eaters. It was surprising to see him there in the first place given he preferred eating alone. But given the heavenly smell, even the Radio Demon couldn't help himself.
"This tea isssss positively divine!" Pentious couldn't recall when he had such an amazing Earl Grey.
"Best. Breakfast. Ever~" Charlie sang. Even when she lived with her parents the meals were nowhere this good. And they employed some of the best cooks from the Gluttony Ring!
"No singing babe," Vaggie loved Charlie but she wanted to enjoy this heaven-send food without a show.
"What's all this?" everyone looked up from what they were doing to see Naruto jump from the second floor to the bottom.
"Breakfast, wat else?"
"I mean, who made it?"
"I did!" Naruto's gaze went to Michelle, who, sure enough, was in the kitchen and moving at break-neck speeds as she cooked, flipped, juiced, and squeezed various foods into a five-star meal.
"You?"
"Why so shocked? I did say I could cook," Michelle reminded him.
A quick trip down memory lane had Naruto recalling the claim, "I thought you were being boastful? Didn't think you could actually do it."
"Can't I do both?" Naruto couldn't deny that, "Sit."
The blond complied and grabbed a plate before he began pilling on food. A bite of his sausage and Naruto's eyes were threatening to pop out of his skull.
"Dear, God, this is delicious," and he thought Hinata was an excellent cook. This was high-class restaurant quality.
"Auntie Michelle, how'd you learn how to do this?"
"Secret," was all Michelle told her niece, a smirk appearing on her face.
"Aw, come on! For me? You can make it my birthday present. You know, because you missed the previous ones?...For almost two centuries."
Michelle gave her niece a deadpan look, "Really? Guilt tripping? I invented that, sweetheart," given how old Michelle was the group could believe it.
Damn! With her initial strategy up in flames, Charlie went another way and gave the archangel puppy-dog eyes. A sure-fire way to get what she wanted.
It didn't work, and only served to make her aunt laugh at the attempt, "Ha! You're Luci's kid alright. Sorry, but the puppy dog look means squat to me."
"Shit," Charlie cursed. Well, at least she-"Hey! Who stole my bacon!" it had been the last one on her plate.
"Ya snooze ya lose," Angel had the aforementioned piece of meat between his fingers.
"Angel, put the bacon down and no one gets hurt," Charlie warned.
"Better do what she says, Angel," Vaggie warned, she was feeling generous given the meal she was eating.
"Yeah, right, toots," Angel placed the piece of meat between his teeth, "Hehehe-WOAH!"
No one expected Charlie to pounce over the table and grab a very surprised and unsuspecting Angel.
"Gimme that back!" Charlie, now going full-on demon, ordered the spider-like sinner.
"Never!"
"Grrr!" Angel was now in a headlock, and Charlie's grip was incredibly strong.
Naruto blinked as did most of the group, all of whom looked at an unfazed Vaggie; who continued eating breakfast as though nothing was happening.
"She really likes her bacon," was all the former exterminator told them.
"Ya think dis, ugh, scares me? I was choked o-urk on a regular basis, doll! OW! No biting the ears!" that was one thing Angel didn't care for. Biting his ass was one thing. But the ears? Nuh-uh!
Naruto blinked, "He has ears?" and where those exactly? All Naruto saw was hair.
"Well, I'm fucking done," Husk announced. No way he could enjoy his meal with that image in his head. Fucking Angel. And this was good food too.
"Aha!" Charlie whooped, having returned to her usual form, and gobbled down her prize with gusto.
"...You know there's more right?" Michelle pointed at the stove.
"It's the principle of it!" her niece declared.
"And you don't like others taking food from your plate," Vaggie added.
"Charlie doesn't share food!" especially bacon.
"Crazy bitch," Angel muttered. And he thought his cousin Joey was bad. Charlie was surprisingly strong despite her porcelain/puppy/doll-like appearance. Angel thought it only applied to hugs. Now he knew better.
"Serves you right," Vaggie told him as she sipped her coffee. Damn, it was better than Starbucks. Yes, Heaven had Starbucks.
"Whatever, Vagina."
Ding dong!
"Special delivery!" a voice behind the door called.
Vaggie growled, "Pentious!"
"I didn't order anything thissss time!" the serpent-demon defended. Sure, he didn't get rid of the weapon parts he previously ordered but that was it.
"Wasn't me," Husk would have ordered better booze if he had the money. Alastor only summoned some when it suited him.
"Not me. I prefer getting my orders the good ol' fashion way," Alastor commented.
"Not me. I'm broke," Naruto told them.
"Ugh, fine, I'll go check," Vaggie told the group.
"Hey, Auntie M, you good making other things or just breakfast?"
"You name it, I can cook it. Though I have to admit there's this sweet old lady in Heaven who makes a mean pot of jambalaya. What was her name?"
"Hey, uh, Lady Michelle, it's addressed to you," Vaggie came back with a package in hand.
"Wat? Since when do angels get deliveries 'ere?"
"That doesn't look like one of our packages," Charlie observed, "Heaven?"
"Maybe? Must be important," Michelle took the package from Vaggie. It was a small unassuming thing, no bigger than a package meant to hold a laptop, and as Michelle began opening the delivered parcel did she suddenly find herself being bound by a metal contraption that left Michelle with no way to move. The metal limbs wrapped her arms, legs, and breasts, and even gagged her, too, before they rejoined and merged behind her back. All in all, Michelle looked like she was in a futuristic straight jacket.
"That's kinky," Angel commented, and expertly done he noted.
Naruto would have disagreed but his mind did see an attractive side to-NO! Bad thoughts! Not again! Not after the last time he and Hinata did something like this. A tale neither he nor his late wife would ever admit to anyone for how embarrassed they were after doing such a thing. Even more when they both secretly enjoyed it.
"Mmmmhmmmmhmm!" Michelle muffled.
"Wait? Seriously!" Angel exclaimed.
"You understand what she said?!" why was Vaggie surprised? She honestly should have expected otherwise.
"Call it a gift," Angel boasted; Vaggie wouldn't do so, "But she said that-"
"Aha! Got you, you lazy bitch! You're coming home with me!"
"Where'd that come from?" Pentious asked.
"Down there!"
The group looked as a screen snaked up the metal contraption before it stopped at Michelle's midriff, and then the face of someone appeared on it.
"Mmmhmmmfmmhm."
Everyone looked to Angel for a translation.
"Everyone, Urielle, Urielle-"
"Don't fucking care," Urielle told them. She had a shit ton to do and couldn't afford to waste a single second.
"Wait. Urielle. As in Archangel Urielle!" Vaggie's eyes threatened to pop.
"One and only."
"Seriously, how many more family members of yours are we gonna meet?" Angel looked at Charlie.
"Wait...family members?...CharChar's here?"
"Hi, aunty Urielle," Charlie greeted her second aunt, she was a little weary.
"Holy shit, how long's it been? No! Wait, sorry! Can't get off track. I'd like to catch up kiddo but-"
"Mmmmhmmmmhmmm!"
"She's asking why yer doing dis," Angel told the screen.
"Ohohohoho~She knows what she did. Or didn't do! You didn't think I wouldn't find your paperwork, did you? OR THAT IT WASN'T DONE PROPERLY!"
Michelle looked away from the group when they looked at her.
"Paperwork?" Naruto guessed the bane of every leader's existence followed them into the afterlife. Shit!
"You!"
Realizing that was directed at him, Naruto said, "Pardon?"
"You're the demon that defiled my sister," Urielle scowled.
Snap!
Finally managing to destroy the gag in her mouth, Michelle spoke, "Urielle-"
"Hey! Do you know how expensive that was!"
"Oh, please, like you can't get Raph to make more!"
"That's not the point! And at any rate, do you have any fucking idea how bad this looks? We're the archangels, we run Heaven, and we're supposed to set an example... Sure, the rules in Heaven don't really apply to us but we need to set an example still, you sex-crazed bitch!"
"Sex-crazed! Do I look like a high-school bimbo from the 1980s?!" okay, sure she might have gone a little overboard these last few days but being pent up and unfulfilled for centuries would do that.
"High school? No. Bimbo? Hell yes!"
"Oh, fuck off! You're just jealous I found a man that leaves me satisfied while you need to use that purple dildo of yours!"
"Purple dildo!?" were the thoughts of almost everyone.
"You leave Thanos out of this!"
"What the fuck is wrong with dad's side of the family!?" Charlie wondered just how this became her life. Urielle's comment really shattered the image she had of archangels. Though she had yet to meet her uncles so Charlie hoped they were at least normal.
"Besides, at least I didn't lower myself to sleeping with a demon!"
"We went fifty-two hours straight, and I was the one who got tired out," Michelle told her sister, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh, my God! Can we not bring that up anymore!?" Charlie pleaded.
However, Urielle had other plans, "...Maybe we can work out a de-"
"No," Naruto, having an inkling where this was gonna go, nipped the comment in the bud. He was not a man-whore!
"Have to agree with darling," Michelle had no intention of sharing Naruto with her twenty-foot pole up the ass, sleep-deprived, bookworm of a sister.
"Bitch! Then you're coming home! And you're not leaving till the paperwork is done. Properly!" metal wings suddenly sprung from the back of Michelle's bindings, jets were situated on the bottom of them and they began to hum with power.
"Hold on! I got a question!"
"What?!" Urielled demanded.
"How'd do you know they're bumpin' uglies?" Angel asked.
"That's...a very good question, actually," Naruto realized.
"Urielle?" Michelle looked at her sister.
...
"...You didn't!"
"No more questions."
"You peeping Tammy! You did it again, didn't you!?"
"I said no more questions!"
For crying out loud, "Did what?" Charlie asked.
"She spied on us with one of those damn drones!"
"Not on purpose!"
"So, you admit it!"
"I...Uh...Eh...Wait a minute! This is your fault, to begin with!"
"Don't change the subject, you nosy little pervert!"
"You're calling me a pervert? Ha! That's rich coming from the slut that got fucking tag-teamed and spit-roasted by a demon!" sure a very well-endowed and chiselled-from-marble human-looking demon, but a demon regardless!
"What?!"
"Oh, yeah, I saw what he did with that clone of his!" impressive though he was, Urielle couldn't believe her sister would do that.
"Clone! I never...Oh, shit, I did do that," Naruto realized.
"Damn it! You're seriously one lucky bitch, ya know that!" Angel frowned when Michelle gave him a smug look.
"Lucky! Are you kidding me?! What kinda person has another-"
As Urielle listed every position and deprived act that she observed her oldest sibling perform with a demon of all things, the residents of the Hazbin Hotel developed varying degrees of reactions. Each move that was listed only served to traumatize and horrify Charlie more and more; Vaggie's jaw hit the floor alongside Husk; Angel was pissed and jealous and impressed. A lot of the moves listed weren't easy to pull off. Alastor's smile never wavered. And Niffty was confused and had questions.
"Wait? What's a butter churner got to do with this?"
"It ain't an actu-"
"NO ONE ANSWER!" Charlie commanded before Angel could explain anything.
"...Wow! We did all that? Damn!"
"All I know is I liked it," Michelle told Naruto.
"You did? Most women don't like a few of those moves...at least the first time," Michelle was a real champ it seemed. It had taken Hinata a few tries before she liked even half of those positions.
"I'm not most women," Michelle winked at her lover.
"Clearly," what else was there to say, Naruto wondered.
"Vaggie, no amount of therapy will ever make this okay," Charlie groaned.
"Not like there are any therapists in Hell anyway," at least none that were practicing in any way.
"True."
"Hold up! Aren't you a therapist?" Naruto asked.
"No?"
"So, wait a minute, you're trying to help people with their problems and get them into Heaven, but you have no training or experience whatsoever?!" please say no, please say no!
"Uh...yeah~"
Damn it!
"...Kid, you're really gonna need help," and then some, Naruto noted.
"Kid! I'm older than you!"
"Yet, somehow, I'm much more mature," Naruto retorted. The blond didn't know how it worked with hellborn when it came to mental and physical growth but in his mind, Charlie was still a child. A kind-hearted and noble one but a child nonetheless.
"Uh, hello! She's trying to take off with me here!" Michelle was almost at the door while the group was distracted. A black gilded chain that came from Naruto's hand wrapped around the bound archangel and reeled her back in. Naruto then proceeded to free the archangel by breaking the mechanical arms that kept her bound.
"Thanks, darling," Michelle told Naruto.
"Shit!" Urielle cursed, "Is what I would say if I didn't anticipate such a thing!"
Package after package materialized inside the hotel and every one of them turned into shreds as their contents freed themselves. All of which were destroyed by the countless black chains that erupted from Naruto's body. Each chain that destroyed one chased after another like a heat-seeking missile until nothing more was left.
"...Okay, that I didn't anticipate," Urielle was being serious. Those machines were extremely durable. Not as durable as the armaments of an archangel but durable nonetheless, and this human-fox-like demon destroyed them like they were nothing more than paper. Urielle was worried and curious. Raph would most likely be curious and fascinated. But most importantly, "Look, I still need you to come back up!"
"Couldn't you have just asked instead of trying to kidnap her?" Charlie asked.
"HA! You don't know Michelle like I do, CharChar! Eldest and strongest of us she might be-"
"Not might. AM!" the word 'might' implied that it was up for debate and it wasn't in Michelle's opinion.
"Whatever! Just get your ass home! I can't clear as much without your signature! And so help me God if your paperwork isn't done properly I will redecorate your room with pretty pink ponies and have pictures taken for all of Heaven to see!" Urielle decided it was time to go with plan B.
"You wouldn't dare!" Michelle had a rep to maintain.
"I will! So help me I will!"
"Why didn't you go that route in the first place?" Vaggie asked.
"I wanted to humiliate the big pain in the ass," was Urielle's answer, "Thanks for ruining it, asshole!"
Naruto shrugged. Not his problem he was a wild card that more often than not messed up more plans than he could count.
"...Argh! Fine! Crybaby. I'll be there in an hour," Michelle relented.
"You got ten minutes!" Urielle, smug by the events now going in her favor, countered and then turned off the connection.
"Bitch! Mom really should have taught her to chill the fuck out," Michelle commented to no one. This sucked!
"Mom?! I have a grandmother?! Why am I only just learning this?!" Charlie added one more thing to the list against her dad.
"You honestly didn't think dad made us with his own two hands, did you?"
"Kinda, yeah," was Charlie's reply, "I mean, he is God."
"...Fair enough. I mean, he could of, and he did so with the other angels, but with the seven of us, dad went the traditional route. I was born first, then Lucifer, Emi and Raph, Urielle, Remiel and then lastly Gabe. As for why you didn't know...well, it's not something anyone in the family really talks about anymore."
"Wat she dead or something?" Angel joked.
Angel found an archangel's sword at his throat in response, "Never. Joke. About. That!"
Angel would have replied had the pressure not rendered him unconscious, and many others that were near the porn star weren't faring any better. Fortunately, Michelle calmed down and the pressure they felt vanished, even if their sense of unease remained.
"Sorry 'bout him," Charlie hesitantly approached her aunt.
Michelle waved her niece off, "Don't apologies for his actions."
A small jolt from her fingers struck Angel and had him yelping and grabbing his singed backside, "Yeow! Da he-"
Michelle cut him off by grabbing the spider-demon, "You get one! Got it!"
"Got it!" Angel nodded vigorously. Note to Angel: don't piss of Auntie M.
"You'd better. That said, talking about mom's not a subject the family likes discussing. Nor is it one I want to talk about at the moment either. I'll tell you later, CharChar. But not now. It would take too long anyway. Besides, I have a rep to protect."
"Uh, don't know bout you, but pretty sure dat rep's gone to ...well, here, when ya hooked up with the blond stud," Angel commented. Naruto was a demon and Michelle was an archangel for crying out loud. How did that work exactly? And Angel didn't mean from a physical standpoint.
"I mean I don't wanna be seen as a girly girl! I'm the biggest, baddest bitch in the Seven Heavens! If they think or see my room having pink ponies and all that girly shit that wouldn't be the case anymore!" and it took her years to cement that reputation. She'd pretty much have to cause a war to recoup from such a loss!
"Oh...Yeah, that would do it," Angel agreed. Pink was an awesome color. Pink was Angel's color. But put pink on a horse or ponies, and that didn't exactly scream bad-ass. Never had, never will.
"We're parting for now, but I'll be back before you know it, beloved, but before I go, I just have one thing to do," Michelle told Naruto.
"Pretty sure Charlie doesn't wanna hear us having sex...again...and repeatedly," Charlie was nodding her head like mad.
"Tempting as that sounds, that's not it. It's this."
Naruto cocked his eye at Michelle's lack of desire for sex. Sure the break was nice, but he had doubts. But said doubts evaporated when the lights went out and then came back up with a spotlight centered on the archangel, and what she did next unnerved him.
Oh, wherever you go, you know I will follow you
You know I will run to you
Oh, the sun and the moon
It don't matter what you do
You know I will run to you
Can't believe in all this time I'm hurting for you
But you feel like home, home
Love gives, it lifts so high I'm dying for it
I'm dying for it
And I can't let you go
Hide away, hide away from me
Hide away, hide away from me
Hide away, hide away from me
Or you lose
Or you lose
"The fuck," Husk said. He looked at the bottle in his hand and dropped it, "I'm done."
"Get it, girl!" Angel cheered.
"Aw, that's so sweet!" Charlie gushed at the scene.
Naruto just stood there frozen on the spot. Hell was fucking weird.
But Heaven was just as weird, too, apparently.
"...So... Uh, how do ya think he's doing?" Angel asked.
"He hasn't come out of his room since Michelle left," Husk didn't blame Naruto.
"Yikes. Then again, that song was creepy as fuck. Catchy, but creepy," Angel commented; Husk agreed.
"I liked it," Charlie didn't know what was wrong with the song.
"'Course you would, babe," Vaggie deadpanned. Her girlfriend had done something similar years before to someone she was crushing on well before she and Charlie became a couple. It had taken her parents a lot to sweep that incident under the rug.
"Ya think da song broke 'im? Yo! Stud! Ya okay?" Angel called up from the parlour.
He got no response.
"Eh, I'm sure he's fine. Now, ya said ya wanted us ta do something, right?"
"Yes! Back to the program!" Charlie smiled.
"Program? What program? Don't think I don't see you're making this shit up as you go along!" Husk observed. The winged cat demon had to agree with Naruto's earlier comment about Charlie needing help.
She had no idea what the fuck she was doing.
"Okay, sure, it's not perfect-"
"Unlike me!" Angel quickly added.
"-but since when is anything perfect when it first starts out?" Charlie finished, "Besides, this is a simple exercise everyone can enjoy!"
"Roach puppet shows?!"
"No, Niffty... Maybe later," she added when the small demoness' eyes started to water.
"Yay!"
"So what do you have in mind, Charlie?"
"Like I said, something simple: Show and Tell!"
"Ooh, me first!" Angel volunteered; Husk was immediately suspicious.
"Great! What do you want to share!"
(Minutes Later)
As Naruto finally left his room, having come out of the daze caused by Michelle's song, the blond heard the oddest of sounds coming from the parlour and saw everyone was watching something on the TV.
"Yo! What are you guys wat-WHAT THE FUCK!?" Naruto couldn't believe what he was seeing. He wished he stayed in his room.
"Hey, stud! How you doin'?" Angel asked as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening.
Naruto ignored him, "WHY ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING PORN OUT IN THE OPEN!?"
"It's show and tell! I'm showin' and tellin' yous all that this movie got me a sex-x-xi award. Oh, wait dis is the best part!"
Best part?
Everyone watched as the Angel on the TV screen had his ass harshly bitten by the dominating hellhound. Pentious was scared and covered his eyes with his hood; Charlie looked away with a cringe; Vaggie was pissed; Naruto felt his breakfast coming up. The blond had nothing against homosexuality but that didn't mean he wanted to see gay porn, or violent sex acts that should not be pleasurable.
"Okay, if traumatizing events are gonna be a regular thing here, I'm gonna need to find a new place to stay," even the appeal of ramen held only so much sway.
"Trust me, we're as shocked as you are," Vaggie informed him. Of all the things to show she didn't expect Angel to do this. Oh, she should have anticipated it, but she wanted to give Angel the benefit of the doubt.
She wasn't going to make that mistake twice.
"Isss it over?" Pentious asked, his eyes still covered by his snake-like hood.
"It's over," Angel told him.
"Oh, thank-AHHHHH! LIAR!" Pentious wailed as the porno scene somehow got worse, "MY EYESSS!"
"Sucka!"
Smash!
"Da fuck!" Angel couldn't believe Naruto did that, "Dat was our only DVD player!"
"Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to look at that thing anymore," Naruto withdrew his arm from the utterly destroyed television accessory. The memory of this event wasn't gonna go away any time soon.
"You have my compliments, dear boy!"
"Didn't do it for you, Alastor," Naruto did it for his own sanity.
"My thanks remain nonetheless!"
"Ya mind fixing it with yer voodoo, or whatever?" Angle requested.
"Ha! No." Alastor denied Angel's requisition. Naruto did not understand the demon's apparent dislike for TV, or anything related to them.
"You douchebags got no class," Angel huffed.
"Says the guy who used a porno for show and tell!...Wait, is that a common thing in Hell?" Naruto pleaded for a good answer.
"It's not," Vaggie answered his prayers, "Unless you're from the Lust Ring."
"The what now?"
"Lust Ring. How could-Oh, right, new sinner," Vaggie remembered. That was still hard to wrap her head around given Naruto's capabilities.
"There's more than one Hell?" well, that sucked.
"More like it's separated into seven parts," Charlie elaborated, "Sinners are confined to the topmost ring, the Pride Ring, and can't go anywhere else. Then you have Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Envy and Sloth."
Naruto knew the Nara Clan would be quite at home in the latter ring if they were hellborn, much like the Akimichi Clan would feel at home in Gluttony, assuming both rings reflected their names and weren't misleading. Both the Nara and Akimichi were respectively the laziest and most food-crazed clans in all the Elemental Countries.
"When you say 'can't', do you mean as in they're not allowed or they actually can't?"
"...Good question," Angel honestly didn't think much of it, not that he had any reason to go to the other rings anyway, or tried to be honest. The Pride Ring had everything he needed. He simply knew what he was told, and that was sinners couldn't leave Pride. The exact reason for why eluded him at the moment.
"It's a seal."
"Pardon?" Naruto looked to Husk, the one who answered.
"There's a wide array of powerful magic that prevents sinners from leaving the Pride Ring. Sinners were originally allowed on all the rings but when the very first Extermination began they were all forced to the Pride Ring."
"Yeah, that's also something I gotta ask," Naruto began, "Your dad and mom were the first demons, right?"
"Yeah?" technically her father was a fallen angel but whatever.
"So, sinners are demons that were once human. How did hellborn come to be? Ya got any siblings?" Naruto wondered exactly how that worked. With humans in this world, Michelle had explained they were born from a combined effort of divine intervention and evolution. The latter also being a byproduct of Lucifer's interference that had rapidly sped up the process in certain human-related species that already existed that would become humans. As such, the human created by God crossbred with those that evolved naturally.
While God created the first humans, Lucifer had technically created the human race with his actions. Even if evil was born as an unintended result.
"Ugh, I wish," though given what she recently learned about her parents, potential half-siblings weren't out of the-NO! Charlie don't go there and mentally scar yourself! "Uh, anyway, most of them were originally angels that sided with mom and dad, others are descendants of the first sinners and fallen angels, and some just came into being from Hell itself, and the rest, I dunno."
"Back up! Sinners can't have kids!" Angel pointed out.
"The first generation of sinners could," Charlie revealed, "That was taken away from them when Extermination Day first began."
Naruto understood. The Extermination was used as a way to reduce the overpopulation of Hell, and given that millions of sinners appeared in Hell every year from what he learned, taking away their ability to reproduce to help minimize the overpopulation problem that much further made sense. But while Naruto understood it, he didn't agree with it. Then again, he wouldn't doubt that demons, every type of demon, used others as currency, even their own family. It had been done even while he was alive.
"So, there's no way a sinner can go to the other rings?"
"Many have tried, all have failed," Alastor sang.
Naruto merely grinned, "Challenge accepted."
"Beg pardon?"
"Challenge. Accepted," Naruto repeated more slowly.
"Oh, no! No, no, no, no, nonono!" Vaggie shut that idea down, "Are you trying to piss off Lucifer!"
"What's he gonna do to me? I kicked Michelle's ass and Lucifer's never beaten her," Naruto was confident he could take on the King of Hell.
"Don't ya mean you fucked her ass?"
"Angel!" Charlie shouted as Angel cackled.
"...Okay, technically you're not wrong on that. It is a great ass," Naruto's unexpected comment threw many for a loop.
"Naruto!" Charlie was just aghast.
"What? Michelle's got an awesome ass? It's a nice, toned, fuckable ass," Naruto enjoyed the look Charlie developed and went for the killing blow, "And I should know."
"CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY AUNT'S ASS?!" the Princess of Hell couldn't believe how the conversation turned into this!
Naruto laughed, "Sorry, I couldn't resist...her ass that is. That thing's a deadly weapon of ass attraction."
"HA! Good one, stud," Angel cackled.
"Can we, for the love of God, change the subject!?" Vaggie added; Charlie was pretty much ready to slaughter the entire group.
"Killjoy!"
"Fine, fine. Onto a serious matter," it was actually one Naruto was going to discuss with Charlie before the porno distracted him, "I'm gonna help you with this place."
"...Say what now?"
"Well, for one-"
Crash!
"Oops!"
"Damn it, Pentious! I thought I told you to get rid of those things!" Vaggie told the serpent demon.
"Not my Egg Boiz!" first his machines, now his minions! Never! Who would wait on him hand and foot?
"Ah, the boss loves us!"
"Bite your tongue!" Pentious squeezed the minion in question to the point of cracking its shell.
"Pentious. Remember what I said? No more building weapons, no more plotting against other guests, and, oh, right, you need to get rid of these things!" Vaggie reminded
Zap!
"AH!" Vaggie ducked as a laser shot through her bow, courtesy of two Egg Boiz more or less doing a tug of war with one of Pentious weapons, "What did I say? What did I just say?"
Pentious only hugged his Egg Boiz that much closer, "But they do my evil bidding for me!"
"Look, if you wanna stay here Pentious, no more evil doings! You said you wanted to redeem yourself, right?"
"Yessss?" Pentious agreed, albeit hesitantly.
"Then no more eggs. No more weapons of destruction, and no more evil plots!"
Pentious had tears in his eyes but he nodded regardless, "All right, eggiesss. You've got to go. I ... I can't keep you anymore!" Pentious sobbed.
"Okay, boss," the minions merely accepted and began to walk away.
"No, don't resist. This is how it has to be!" while Pentious was being comforted by Charlie, Naruto noted that the inventor was such a drama queen.
"Alastor, mind taking care of 'em?"
"Him!" Pentious couldn't believe this!
"Oh, well, I'd be delighted to!" Alastor's sinister look had Pentious clutching his heart.
"Humanely!"
"Hmm. Well, that's a lot less fun. But I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today."
"Mind if I join?" Naruto asked.
"Oh?"
"Don't know my way around to be honest," Naruto explained, "And Carmilla wants to see me."
"Ah, well then, you're in luck. Simply consider me your friendly neighbourhood guide!"
"Bout dat! How do ya know Carmilla anyway? Ya seemed pretty chummy with her daughter," Angel recalled how Ana wanted to jump the blond's bones then and there.
"I saved their lives on Extermination Day," Naruto revealed.
"Oh-ho! Do tell!" Alastor grinned wickedly.
"Not much to say. Exterminators had them pinned down. Carmilla had her leg pierced by one of them and Blanca was forced to watch as an exterminator stabbed Ana in the chest with their spear. Then I intervened."
"Hold it! She was stabbed in the chest by an angel spear! I'm sorry, but that's fucking impossible! If she was stabbed like that she'd be dead!" Vaggie knew that all too well as a former exterminator. It was an old tactic, and one she was ashamed to admit to having used many times.
"She almost did. Then I healed her and that's that."
"... You did what?!"
"I healed her?"
"Okay, now I know you're fucking with me. Angelic weapons aren't something you can just heal. You can recover over time if it's not fatal, but healing it yourself is only possible in Heaven and even then there are limits! I would know! I lost an eye when I turned my back on them."
"You're an exterminator!" Angel exclaimed; both he, Husk and Pentious backed away from Vaggie. The angel didn't blame them for their actions.
"Former, but yeah. Lost my wings and my eye when I got caught letting a demon go when I could have killed them instead," Vaggie admitted.
Huh? Naruto thought the 'X' meant something else.
"You knew!" Angel looked at Charlie.
"I thought she was just an angel at first but she came clean when we went for a walk... Wasn't my place to say," Charlie told him.
"So, ya did know!" Charlie merely nodded her head.
"So?" Naruto didn't see a problem.
"SO! Do ya have any idea how much her kind-"
"But she's not their kind, is she? Not anymore anyway," Naruto interjected, "Besides, this place is about second chances, right? Redemption? Why can't she find redemption?"
"Because...uh...um...She's a fucking exorcist!"
"And you're a fucking porn star and drug addict, Angel. Pentious is a psycho-inventor with trust issues. Husk is a self-loathing alcoholic with a lot of regrets. Niffty's a knife-wielding maniac. Alastor's a backstabbing soul-dealing son of a bitch. I've killed people and done other bad shit. And Kurama's a former walking calamity with a kill count greater than all of Hell combined, and then some! But isn't that what this place is all about? Giving you a chance to turn around your life for the better despite your past?"
"I ain't forgiving her," Angel crossed his arms.
Naruto smiled, "You will. In time you will. Know how I know? Cuz that's what being a better person's about. Forgiving others, letting go of your hate. Because if you don't, it just leaves you empty and bitter and in the end, that's all you're left with. And that's a pretty shitty way to live your life. Not much of a life anyway. Besides, if she wanted she could have killed ya before you realized it. Especially you, Angel."
"Me? What did I-" Angel stopped when he noticed everyone but Alastor and Niffty giving him flat looks, "...Fair 'nough."
"But she didn't. I mean, her fighting style's shit, but she could do it easily, but didn't nonetheless," Naruto concluded.
"I'm sorry, what?" Vaggie believed she heard wrong.
"I noticed the way you use your spear, it's the same as the exterminators: aggressive but full of holes. I'm guessing it's because you guys are so used to people not fighting back. Which is why I'm gonna whip your ass into shape. Can't have shitty hotel security. But before that," everyone looked on as Naruto's arm became enveloped by golden flames and before they could react his hand was on Vaggie's head.
The former exterminator's mind finally registered what was happening. Her initial thought was that everything Naruto said was merely a ploy to get her off guard and end her once and for all. Then the warmth settled in and enveloped her entire being. It was comforting, energizing, thrilling even! Hells! She felt like she could take on an army by how much her blood was pumping. She had never felt like this before. It was amazing. Even her vision was better! She was seeing things...Wait!
"Seeing is believing, right?" Naruto told her.
Hesitantly, Vaggie brought up her hand to the left side of her face... and saw it. After so many years her vision had been restored, a feat that would have been impossible unless she were in Heaven, and even then there were limits. And that wasn't all it seemed.
"Ooh, pretty feathers!" Niffty awed.
Once more did the former exterminator hesitantly move her hand and then felt something soft and light and fluffy that she hadn't felt in years. Her wings were back. It proved too much for Vaggie and she couldn't stop herself even if she tried. Her knees buckled and tears began to flow from both her eyes. Charlie knelt beside her and gaped when she saw the restored ocular organ and the rest were left bewildered, too.
"H...How?" Charlie asked as Vaggie continued to shed happy tears.
"Like I said, I'm awesome," Naruto grinned, "Oof!"
"Uh...we're all seen dis, right? I'm not drunk or coked outta my mind?"
"Dunno. I've had a few today, but even I'm doubting what I'm seeing," Husk added his two cents. But even then being drunk made more sense than the sight before him.
Vaggie was hugging someone other than Charlie, and looking more vulnerable than ever.
"Desde el fondo de mi corazón, gracias!"
"...Translation?"
"From the bottom of my heart, thank you," a teary-eyed Charlie replied, and mimicked her girlfriend by hugging Naruto as well, "Thank you."
"Humph, any time, kiddoes," Naruto patted both of them on the head. It was a nice moment.
"Ugh, I'm gonna throw up!"
One that Angel ruined with a single sentence. But the porn star was forgetting something very important.
"You know she's got wings now, right?" Vaggie was now grinning an incredibly evil-fanged smile, her wings outstretched and ready to take flight.
"...Uh-oh!" Angel ran for his life; Vaggie flew after him as the demon screamed his head off, "Thanks a lot, stud!"
Sniff!
"Pentious?...Are you crying!" Charlie asked.
"No! Of course... not!...Waaaahahahaha! Yessss, I am! Don't look at me!"
"And this is why you never became an overlord," Alastor laughed.
"WAAAHHHH!" Pentious was now crying for another reason now.
(Sometime Later)
When everything had finally calmed down and the disorder caused by Naruto's actions, Charlie regathered the group, sans Angel and Vaggie, once more to explain her plans of the day, "So, guys. It's been brought to our attention that there may be a little, tension in the hotel."
"Tension that can be counterproductive to what we're trying to do here," a returned Vaggie added, and she was smiling from ear to ear.
"You killed him didn't you?" Husk accused. Though he wouldn't blame her if she did.
"No. I thought of something better," Vaggie laughed, "Come out!"
"Don't wanna!"
"You come out or I'm going for the tit fluff next!"
"Tit fluff? What did you-AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Husk couldn't help but fall to the ground holding his sides. Others weren't far off and the sight really helped ease the tension Charlie was so concerned about.
"You assholes can go fuck yourselves!" shouted and middle-fingered a head-shaved Angel. The cut hair on his head made him appear like an ostrich.
"Who's the new lady?" Niffty asked, only adding more fuel to the fire as everyone laughed even harder. And it was true. The new look did make him appear much more feminine.
"I hate you all!" Angel shouted once more. Fortunately, Angel had wigs whenever Valentino had him get his hair cut, or if the overlord ruined it when in one of his fouler moods.
"Sorry, ha, ha, Angel. I'm sorry, that's rude," Charlie apologized.
"Don't make it less funny!"
"Fuck you, Whiskers! How imma gonna trust you douches now?!"
"That!" Charlie declared and all eyes were now on her, "That's what we're here to do next! Trust exercises!"
"Trust exercises! Ah, shit!"
Thud!
"Ow!"
"Vaggie, we rehearsed this," Charlie whined as she pulled her girlfriend up from the ground.
"Kinda took me off guard, sweetie. Besides, the wings threw me off. Gonna take a while to get fully used to 'em again," Vaggie excused, "We're doing trust exercises, people!"
"So, uh, what's with the whole, uhh, this?" Husk gestured to the stage in the middle of the ground floor, "I'm not about to put on some show for these fucking chumps."
"Oh, I will, but it's cash up front, and I know that one can't afford me," Angel pointed at Pentious.
"Grosssss! I'd never think of it, spider! Not even if you ssssanitized yourself for an entire year!"
Vaggie had to agree. Angel did some pretty gross thing based on that horror show he had them watch, "Right, well, let's get started. Charlie?"
"Actually, I thought maybe you could take the lead on this one. I trust everyone, so maybe you know better on how to build it properly!"
"What? Uhh, I don't know if I'm qualified, uh..."
"Oh, come on. It'll be easy!" Naruto knew from a lifetime of experience that it was not the case, "I'm sure you can handle this."
"Yeah, um, sure, I can handle this. No problem," Vaggie calmed herself with a deep breath before she began speaking like a drill sergeant, "All, right, so we are starting with trust falls! Each of you are going to share something vulnerable with the group about yourself and then fall backwards, while the rest of the group catches you. Got it? Who wants to go first?"
"Ooh, ooh, me me me! Me! Me! Me!" Charlie squealed like a child.
"All right, get on up here," Vaggie ordered her girlfriend, and everyone watched as the princess ran up onto the stage.
"I, I love you guys. Like, really, really love you," Charlie confessed before she fell backwards. She was caught by both Naruto and Vaggie, though the blond felt what Charlie said wasn't really a vulnerable part of her. Charlie made that clear every day.
"That... felt... good! Angel, why don't you go next?!" Charlie asked.
"Fine!"
"This time everyone needs to catch him, okay? Unless you want me to hurt you," Vaggie threatened with her spear. Suffice it to say the rest got closer to the stage.
"Hmm. Somethin' about myself, huh? Uhh...Oh! How about this? I LOVE to suck-"
"I swear to fuck if you say dicks!" Husk threatened.
"-popsicles, ya sicko! Get your mind outta the gutter!" Angel laughed before he fell backwards into their arms, mostly an irate Husk's arms, "But, you know, dicks too!"
Husk promptly dropped him for that comment.
"All, right, new guy, you're up!" Vaggie ordered and she and everyone watched as Pentious went all melodramatic.
"I... don't want to live without my minions. Nobody catch me!"
He was caught nonetheless, "Damn it!"
"Wow, you are slimy," Naruto commented.
"Very slimy. Ugh, gross, that's enough!" Vaggie released Pentious, "Okay, uh, good job. Uh, Naruto, how 'bout you?"
"Me? Uh, okay. Umm, let's see...Ah, I ... don't want to be alone again..." Naruto admitted and then fell backwards into their arms.
"Alone?" Charlie wondered.
"A good therapist would recall me saying I was an orphan," Naruto reminded her.
Oh, right. Bad Charlie!
"See, that's how you do it! Okay, Niffty-"
The small demon rushed to the stage before Vaggie even finished, "Sometimes, I kill mother-bugs in front of their children as a warning to others!"
Her mad cackling as she admitted to the disturbing reveal had everyone take a step back when she launched herself into the air. Niffty fell to the ground but it didn't bother her in the least when no one caught her. In fact, she enjoyed it.
"Yay! Pain!" Niffty rose from her spot and repeated the action more than once, "Pain!"
The mood took a nose dive from there due to the disturbing scene that was looping before their eyes.
"Well, that spiralled out of control fast."
"Yeah, I don't know if this is really working the way we'd hoped. Maybe we should-"
"Charlie, you can't expect things to work out right off the bat. This is your first time doing this, it's gonna be flawed."
"Naruto's right, honey. We'll figure something out," Vaggie reassured.
"Yo! If you're in the market for some ideas, I've got just the thing for some trust buildin'" Angle told them.
"What do you have in mind?" Charlie asked; Naruto and Vaggie were worried. Doubly so when Angel smiled. Naruto knew a pranking smile when he saw one.
"Angel! What the actual fuck?!" Vaggie declared once her brain finally registered where they were.
"No activity requires more trust than BDSM, baby. No bond stronger than those formed through bondage! That's their motto!" and it was true. Said motto was on a poster hanging on the wall.
"Angel, love the enthusiasm. But, umm, uh, hmmm-"
"What makes you think anyone would be into this?" Vaggie finished her girlfriend's sentence.
"Oh, God!" a disguised Naruto finally spoke.
"Yo, stud? Ya'll right?"
"No, not really," this brought back some very conflicting memories. Memories best sealed away to the point that not even a Yamanaka could unlock them.
"Oh-ho! Does someone have a secret fetish?" Angel prodded.
"It was one time!" Naruto suddenly declared before he could stop himself.
It hadn't been the one time, to his great shame.
"I don't believe you~" Angel sang, loving every moment of this.
"NO MORE QUESTIONS!" shouted the red-faced jinchuriki.
"Oh, no! Yer not...No fucken way!" Angel suddenly gaped, "Is dat who I...Holy shit! It is!"
Naruto turned around and wished he hadn't. Standing not a dozen feet from them bare-chested in a black leather and rings-covered outfit that revealed way too much for his liking was Kurama. And he had a collar connected to a leash that was being held by a very tall woman, though still considerably shorter than Kurama, whose face was covered to hide who she was.
"Foxy?!"
"...Well... this is awkward," was all the demon fox could say.
Awkward!? It was traumatizing!
"What are you going here?!"
"Uh...well...okay, yeah, it's exactly what it looks like," Kurama couldn't think of any good lie given the circumstances.
"Kurama, sweetie, do you want a spanking? If not, move your cute tush," the woman holding the leash ordered.
"Yes, sweetie."
Sweetie?!
"See ya!" Kurama told them and left with his partner into a room marked...Naruto felt his brain stop when he registered what the sign read.
"Okay, screw you guys, I'm going home! There's only so much of this crap I can take!"
Poof!
"That was a clone? Then where's Naruto?" Husk asked as he was getting a massage. The distraction gave Niffty, who was dressed as a dominatrix enough time to get onto the bartender's back.
"It's time for a bad boy to get a spanking!" she cackled and patted the riding crop in her hand. Her hold on him was surreal and her demented look only served to unnerve Husk even further.
"Oh, fuck!" Husk regretted not following Naruto's lead.
"Spanking Time!"
Slap!
"YEOW! The fu-"
"Spank, spank, spank, spank, spank!" Niffty only cackled more loudly, ignoring Husk's cries as she continued to bring down her crop!
"Wow, yer good at dis!" Angel complimented; the distraction allowed the rest of the group to leave the club without being seen. Husk was on his own.
(Meanwhile)
Naruto shivered as the memories of his clone popped into his head and he shuddered as he processed everything.
"Oh, God," Naruto muttered. He'd never be able to look at Kurama the same way again. He was pretty sure if his connection to his siblings was intact they'd have the same reaction.
"Beg pardon?" Alastor was curious.
"Nothing!"
"Hmm," Alastor very much doubted that.
"What's the plan, boss? I like your suit! What are the antlers for? Can I touch your staff thing? Are those your ears or is it your hair? I can't tell!"
Both Alastor and Naruto felt their eyes twitch again as the Egg Boiz resumed their inane chatter. Well, at least it lasted a whole two minutes this time. But even then, the disguised Naruto looked to the Radio Demon and asked, "You sure you can't conjure up a frying pan?"
"Regrettably, I gave my word to dear Vagatha that I'd get rid of them humanely...Much as I desire otherwise. And for all my faults and splendour, I am a man of my word," Alastor informed.
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her?" Naruto added. The homunculus-shaped eggs were starting to get on his last nerve, and he had raised five kids with Uzumaki-level energy, four of which were girls, and that paled by comparison.
"Tempting as that is-"
"Hark, Alastor. How fare thee this day?" spoke a tall, dark, spider-like demon, more spider-like than Angel, that appeared before them.
"Who's that, boss? Want me to rough him up for you?"
"Follow in silence if you value your shell!" Alastor ordered to the Eggs Boiz, "Greetings, Zestial!"
"Oh, holy shit!"
"Zestial?" Naruto ignored the demon that ran away upon seeing them, "You're Ana and Blanca's uncle, right?"
"Hmm, and who art thou, my fare lady?" Zestial asked, more of a demand really.
"Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto introduced, taking off his disguise and watched as everyone near them ran away. Some ran into alleyways, others through walls, and windows, and some into the sewer. One even set himself on fire and another poured acid on his head. Who carried acid in their pocket?! What kind of reactions were those anyway?!
"Ah, the Angelslayer. Though hath my many thanks for acting so nobly on that wretched day. Pray tell, Alastor, how dist thou meet?"
"We reside in the same abode. This one wishes to aid our dear princess in her endeavours," Alastor informed the oldest overlord.
Zestial laughed, "Ah, so the rumour of thy involvement with the princess and her recent flight of fancy doth prove true. Why and how does thou fall in with such folly?"
"That is for me to know. But please, do guess, I'd love to know the theories!" Alastor was curious about these rumours.
"T'would be grander folly by far to assume the workings of your mind, Alastor. Thou hath been naught but an enigma since thy manifested in this realm!"
"Coming from someone as ancient as you, I take that as quite the compliment!"
"But none so great as thy companion. To fell not only the exterminators and their leaders but Archangel Michelle as well so spectacularly. Tell me, how did thou accomplish such a miraculous feat?"
"I've said it before, I'll say again: I'm awesome," Naruto declared.
Zestial cocked an eye at that, "Thou ist be more boastful than an explanation."
Naruto simply shrugged, "Yeah, well. I'm sticking with it."
"Ha ha ha ha. Thou are becoming more intriguing by each passing moment," Zestial chuckled, "But I digress. Why are thou here?"
"My dear friend is newly born here. And I've taken it upon myself to show him the sights and splendours of Hell," Alastor told his fellow overlord.
"Thou aren't aware of the summons?"
"Summons?"
"A meeting of the overlords has been called. But then, it has been an age since thou hath graced us with thy presence. Some hath spun wild tales of you falling to... holy arms," Zestial chuckled.
"Oh, that, I just took a well-earned sabbatical, nothing serious. Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes! Hahaha! When is it taking place?"
"An hour from now. But thy companion, however, is expected sooner. Dearest Ana has given you the summons?"
"Something about Carmilla wanting to see me, right?" that was all Carmilla's daughter said at any rate.
"Quite right. What plans my friend holds for thou I can but wonder."
"Oh-ho! Perhaps another powerful lady wishing to court you? Hmm?" Alastor laughed.
"Don't jinx it, smiley," Naruto already had enough on his plate with an archangel and having an overlord's daughter crushing on him. Sure, Carmilla was attractive and-Whoa, stop! Don't go there Naruto! No bad thoughts!...Shit! Said thoughts just came through.
Damn it!
"Zestial, my friend, thank you for bringing him."
"A pleasure as always, Carmilla," Zestial bowed before taking his leave.
"You two close?"
"As close as any overlord and demon in general can be," was all Carmilla said, "Thank you for coming here. But before we get started, here!"
Taking the small package from Carmilla's hands, Naruto asked, "What's this?"
"A phone...you know what a phone is, correct?"
Naruto's blank look told her everything. He was old but that didn't mean he didn't know how to use a smartphone.
"Good, that saves quite a bit of time. Now, onto the matter at hand."
"Yeah, Ana said you wanted to see me?"
"I did. I would like to hire your services," Carmilla said.
"Oh, for the love of... Look, I am not a man-whore for hire, okay! Don't get me wrong, you're an attractive woman but I don't do sex for cash!"
"...That's not why I called you here. But thank you for the compliment," despite this, Carmilla wasn't smiling.
Well, Naruto felt stupid.
"Sorry! You'd have to have been there to-"
"I don't care," Carmilla stopped him from saying anything further, "What I do care about is the safety of my daughters. I nearly lost them were it not for you, and I'll forever be in your debt for that."
"Didn't do it to have you in my debt. It was the right thing to do," Carmilla blinked at the response. That kind of attitude was very rare in Hell.
"Nevertheless, I would like to hire your services as their bodyguard," Carmilla asked.
"Bodyguard?" not that he didn't have experience doing that but Naruto recalled that the last time he did so had been...well, before he became Hokage!...Oh, God just saying that made him feel old.
"I'm offering this much," Carmilla gave him a card.
A blank one. And Naruto immediately understood what it meant: name your price.
"Freelance, of course. Be aware, you won't be working alone. Not that I'm not confident in your capabilities, but I'm not taking any chances. My daughters are my life. They mean everything to me. To lose them is a thought I can't-"
"Hey, I get it. I was a parent, too," Naruto would go to Hell and back for his kids.
"Then we understand each other. However, I'd like your involvement with me to remain anonymous."
"Really? Why...Oh, I get it. You wanna see who you can and can't trust," and if people knew he was allied with Carmilla she'd be unable to find out. No one would be stupid enough to do anything in that scenario. But if he posed as a not-so-out-of-the-ordinary demon that was another matter.
"Bien, a man with a brain," Carmilla now had a true smile on her lips. She was worried the man before her was no more than a powerful meathead. She was more than glad to see it wasn't the case, "Yes, lately some concerns have arisen that require my attention. As an overlord, I'm less likely to be targeted. My daughters, however, are nowhere as strong and much more vulnerable by comparison. And while I wouldn't take such risks, given your abilities I'm confident there won't be any problems."
"Ah, the old 'have someone do my bidding due to a weakness-thing'," Naruto surmised. A classic and effective move. Underhanded, but effective nonetheless.
"Quite," Carmilla agreed.
"So, how's this gonna work, exactly? I have a place of my own and I'm helping Charlie with her hotel. I'm not gonna be expected to move, am I?"
"I'd like to have you as close as possible, but no, that won't be necessary. This won't be full-time anyway, just when certain occasions are required. And despite its secluded area, if my daughters are seen at that hotel too often it might raise questions."
"Dunno. They could try and befriend Charlie."
"Ha!" Carmilla laughed, "Unlikely. The princess and her goals are...how should I say it...a joke? I could care less about her goals but my business would take a hit along with my reputation if my clients believed I supported her."
"What if she's right? What if her goals prove correct?" Naruto fired back.
"They won't."
"Wanna bet?" Naruto grinned.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, a bet. I'm right and Charlie succeeds you gotta back her up from now on."
"And if you're wrong."
"I won't be," Naruto held a fire in his eyes.
"...You have conviction. But conviction isn't enough. Very well. A year! If the princess can prove a sinner can be redeemed and make it to Heaven within a year, I will back her up from then on. But if you lose, you belong to me."
"For a year?"
"Forever!" Carmilla countered. This was when a person's true colours shined. Strong as a person's convictions and ideals were, Carmilla lost track of how many backed out whenever such terms came into play. But the woman never met a man like Naruto before.
"Deal."
Carmilla blinked as Naruto outstretched his hand.
"You're that certain she'll succeed?"
"I know she'll succeed," was Naruto's steadfast reply.
Whether he was cocky, arrogant, or confident, Carmilla didn't care, it was a golden opportunity, "Very well. Terms?"
Naruto's tenure as Hokage came into play as both Carmilla and he agreed on the terms. Carmilla wouldn't be able to interfere or get anyone else to interfere, though it was much more detailed than that, for one. And instead of being forced to work for her for eternity, it would be for a mere hundred years instead, or until Carmilla died, so long as it wasn't by Naruto's hand in any way, shape or form, or by someone acting on his behalf. Again, much more detailed than that. It was something Carmilla stipulated. Despite her reputation and being a demon, and an overlord, Carmilla was an honourable woman. She also respected Naruto's conviction, though Naruto believed it also had to do with him saving her and her daughters.
"And done!" Naruto and Carmilla released each others' hands. The contract was now sealed and bound.
"So, is that it?" Naruto asked.
"Actually, there's one thing I'd like to ask. More of a favour."
"Shoot."
"What do you know of the Vees?"
Naruto frowned, "They're a powerful overlord group composed of a trio of uptight immoral assholes," while he hadn't met Vox or Velvette, Naruto had been given the rundown sometime ago.
Carmilla smiled, "That's sugar-coating it but no less accurate all the same. And makes this next part much easier."
As Carmilla gave him the run down, Naruto grinned a wicked grin, "Lady, you're a woman after my own heart."
Oh, this prank was gonna be good!
(One Hour Later)
"Welcome, Hell sovereign overlords. I've invited you all here because you represent the controlling powers of our city. Together, you own millions of souls. Souls at risk with the new Extermination schedule. We need to discuss what can be done to minimize the impact to our interests. Now then... Alastor? Is that you?" Carmilla had not seen the Radio Demon in years.
"Yes, I know I've been absent for some time. I'm sure you've all been wondering!" Alastor smiled.
"...Not really. But welcome back in any case," Carmilla really didn't care, and was more so surprised by his return. She, like many others, thought him dead was all.
"Well, that was uncalled for," Alastor's smile wasn't as jovial thanks to Carmilla's comment. Bitch!
"This year's Extermination was, for lack of a better word, pathetic on the exterminators' part. We have assessed that about less than two percent of the population was lost. The lowest loss in history ever since the Extermination began, and we have the Angelslayer to thank for it. That said-"
Carmilla was interrupted when Velvette opened the door and walked in, on the phone, "Yes, I've got it handled, Vox. Are you doubting me? Really? Me? That's what I thought. Haha! Yes, I know. They're all a joke. Thank you, V. See you soon. Kisses, darling.
Under normal circumstances, Carmilla would be less than pleased. But this wasn't one of those times, "Nice of you to join us, Velvette. Will your... colleagues be joining?"
"No, they have better shit to do than to listen to an old windbag who thinks she's tough shit. I'm here to represent," Carmilla didn't care for the wording but one didn't get to be an overlord as powerful as her for small slights such as these.
"Charming. So, as I was saying, we need to discuss...Hah... Yes, Velvette?" Carmilla acknowledged the small woman's raised arm.
"On the subject of discussion," here Velvette threw the severed head of an exterminator onto the table. The action caused the other overlords to look at it and mutter to each other.
"Oh! Tasty!" Alastor commented.
"I don't know. I heard some folks say they're a bit too fatty," Rosie informed her fellow cannibal overlord.
"Truly? What a shame."
"And why did you bring this? It's not news that the exterminators can be killed."
"Exactly! Ever since the flying stud," Carmilla cocked an eye at that comment, "shot their holier than thou arses from the sky, the game has changed. We now know these holy rollers can be killed. We can take the fight to them. The boys and I have come up with a full assault plan-"
Velvette stopped talking and she and the other overlords looked at Zestial, the overlord was sipping his tea loudly and aggressively to drown out Velvette. Much to her annoyance.
"If it be true thee and thy colleagues desire to war, thou art far more... foolish than I be thought," Zestial accused.
"Foolish? It's a dead fucking exorcist. There's a bunch more where that came from, old man! If the Angelslayer can do it then wat's stoppin' us from doing the same?"
"Then thou art far more foolish than initially assessed. If one's power is defeated, one doesn't hie back into the fray without having a resolve to win. The exterminators were defeated, their power broken, and their greatest warrior humiliated. Yet instead of recuperating their losses, they decide to bear this base e'en twice a year instead. This discourses of a resolve we wot not of. I like it not," Zestial told her.
"...Uh, what?" Zeezi didn't understand a word Zestial just said.
"He said that if the exterminators were smart they would cut their losses and use that time to recover. Instead, they are now holding this event twice a year. You believe this means they have a plan we're unaware of, Zestial?"
"Perhaps," Zestial didn't know for certain but the fact the event was now being held twice a year instead of being postponed gave him pause.
"Is that proof or conjecture? Cause otherwise all I'm hearing are a bunch of excuses coming from tired-out old sods that need to be put out to pasture," Velvette asked and insulted.
"Hmm," Zestial frowned at Velvette.
"Oh, wat's the matter fossils? Too scared to make a real power grab for-"
You better show some respect!
Check your behaviour!
No one speaks to Zestial that waaayaaayyy~
Did you expect us to sit back and take your, insolent brazen display?~
Ha-ha-ha!
You got it twisted?
I'm not the one who needs a new attitude!
Maybe you missed? But I'm the hashtag bitch!
And I will do nothing less than what I please! Woo!
I'm the backbone of the Vees!
Mad that I acted respe-
"Hey!"
Many blinked as Velvette was held in the air by a series of black gilded chains. Their origin was traced by the overlords to an open window that revealed Naruto's form. Many backed away upon seeing him.
"Okay, that's enough. I came here to see what all this was about, not hear people sing. Sit down and stop acting like a child," Naruto ordered.
"Or wat!"
"Or I'll treat you like one, little lady," Naruto warned.
"Fuck you!" hot shit or not, Velvette didn't take orders from anyone. She gave them!
The blond raised a single finger, "Last chance."
"Kiss my ass!" attractive or not, powerful or not, Velvette was done following someone else's orders.
"Right body part, wrong action," Naruto grinned and Velvette was now unnerved.
"Hey! Wait what are you doing!" the chains that held her in place put Velvette on Naruto's lap, and the blond proceeded to pull down the woman's pants.
"Woah!"
"Oh, my!"
"Is that a My Little Pony underwear?"
"He's not gonna fuck her in front of us...is he?"
"What art thou-"
Slap!
"Ow!"
The other overlords blinked and their minds tried to comprehend what they saw.
"Did he just-"
Slap!
"Stop spanking my ass!"
Slap!
"He did and is."
Slap!
"Knock it off, you prick!"
Slap! Slap!
"OW! Twice at once!" that hurt like Hell.
Alastor was loving every second of this.
"Oh, this is gold!" Velvette heard Ana say, but she was doing more than that.
"Wait! Are you-"
Slap!
"Ah! Recording this!"
"Yep!" Ana affirmed.
"Delete that-"
Slap!
"Ow-Now!"
"Say, harder daddy!" Ana ordered.
Velvette blinked at the audacity, "Why would I say-"
Slap!
"Harder Daddy!" Velvette unintentionally shouted the words she meant to repeat.
"And~" Ana had her finger in the air. Velvette didn't need to be a genius to know what her intent was.
"Don't you fucking-"
"Post!"
Bing!
Velvette was horrified by the implications of what this meant. All over Hell were countless sinners, hellborn, and royals about to watch her behind getting the royal treatment like she was a petulant child. Despite being partners, Vox and Valentino would be laughing their asses off, though Vox would also be pissed, too, for how this would affect their reputations.
"Meeting adjourned," Carmilla suddenly announced. It was a meeting none would ever forget.
And as each and every overlord left, Velvette being the first to hightail it out of the meeting, Alastor was approached by someone he hadn't seen in quite some time.
"Rosie! So nice to see you again," Alastor greeted his fellow overlord. One of the few who wasn't a sinner despite many thinking otherwise.
"Alastor! Where have you been? These halls really lost some of their sparkle without your lively presence."
"Oh, simply away on a much-needed sabbatical. Being an overlord isn't all glitz and glamour, you know. But tell me, my dear, how have you been?" Alastor changed the subject.
"Oh, Alastor, I met the most wonderful gentleman! Tall, handsome, a nice set of teeth, and a real demon in the sack!"
"Oh, Rosie, you harlot," Alastor joked.
"I know! I'm as giddy as the time I went to my first flesh buffet! I haven't felt like this in ages," Rosie gushed, her cheeks pink.
"How did you meet?"
"Oh, you know how it goes around Cannibal Town. People saw him, thought he looked tasty, tried taking a bite out of him, he bit back and they didn't get back up. Oh, it was a thing of beauty! And his flesh! Oh, just thinking how tasty it was," Rosie shuddered and drooled a bit, "Oh, dear, but where are my manners? Let me introduce you two. Where is-Ah! Kurama, sweetie!"
"Beg pardon?" Alastor believed he heard wrong.
"You heard her right," Alastor didn't bother turning around. He instantly recognized the voice and who it belonged to.
"Alastor, meet Kurama. Kurama, Alastor, an old friend of mine," Rosie introduced, her arm hanging around Kurama's much larger one and her head resting on it affectionately.
"We've met," Alastor honestly didn't know what to make of this.
"So, are the brat and Michelle still driving Charlie up the wall?" after the first day, Kurama had enough and left the hotel. He was glad he did, otherwise he wouldn't have run into Rosie. The woman was smart, beautiful, had a wicked set of very well-kept teeth, and could eat an entire arm in seconds with dignity and class.
He'd been love-struck the moment he laid eyes on her.
"Fortunately for our dear Charlotte's sanity they didn't last as long as before, and Lady Michelle has since returned homeward," Alastor informed him. A shame. Alastor would have loved to try that jambalaya recipe she claimed to know.
"Ooh, so the Angelslayer did last as long as you said. Not bad. This one lasted about twenty-one hours before my hips started killing me," Rosie bragged. Said hips were still sore.
"We'll work on that, sweetie," Kurama's fanged grin set Rosie's heart aflutter, "Oh, hey, brat!"
"Not a word from you!" Naruto declared upon seeing the demon fox, "I can't even look at you right..."
As Naruto stopped whatever he was going to say next, Alastor watched as the blond's head whipped back and forth between Rosie and Kurama half a dozen times before he suddenly turned pale, "Uhhh...yeah... I gotta go."
"Dearie me, what was that about?" Alastor wondered, unaware of Rosie's sweating face.
"Time to go!" Kurama suddenly grabbed Rosie and carried her bridal style.
"Bye, Alastor! We'll get together sometime, and talk business! Nice seeing you again!" both Rosie and Kurama made themselves scarce and bolted.
"Well, that was odd!"
While Alastor was left pondering upon Rosie and her new lover's sudden departure, Naruto bumped into Ana who looked like a million bucks and proceeded to drag him into a room.
"Hey, big boy," Ana flirted, "You have no idea how awesome that was! And, I hear you're gonna be my new bodyguard?" Ana was lit up like a Christmas tree.
Best. Day. Ever!
"Pretty much," Naruto nodded, he needed the money and it wasn't full-time. Speaking of which, he still needed to figure out the currency and what was considered a decent wage. Then triple it!
"So, you gotta listen to what I tell you, huh?" Ana bit her lip. She knew exactly what her first orders would be.
Naruto knew where this was going, "Within reason. Besides I'm protecting your sister's ass, too."
"Oh, I don't mind," Ana licked her lips, "So long as I get a taste first!"
Wow! He was not expecting that...Uh-oh.
"Ooh, someone's happy to see-"
"Ana, if you don't mind?" said a voice from the corner, a cigar was in their mouth and was being puffed on.
Naruto, having sensed the individual but no ill intent, wondered when they were going to introduce themselves. But he welcomed the distraction, "I'm guessing she's the other bodyguard your mom told me about?"
"You guessed it, soldier," said the woman. As she came out of the shadows, Naruto saw red skin, a chestal area that was glowing very hotly, and a suit comprised of black leather, red belts, and gold rings. She was taller than Charlie but shorter than Naruto, and had a broken horn on one side of her head, "Name's Karlach. Pleasure to be workin' with you."
(The Next Day; 179 Days until Extermination Day)
When Naruto woke up in Michelle's bed once more, and cursed Hell for being the cause, the former Hokage was surprised to find - or not find in this case, really - that Michelle wasn't in bed with him. Well, at least it meant no potential for a quickie, or further stink eye from Charlie and Vaggie either if both blonds recommenced.
The male blond quickly got dressed-
Rip!
-and sighed when he saw the state of his clothes. They had definitely seen better days. Then again, getting all hot and heavy due to having your mind clouded by the need for sex, clothes generally ended up being the casualties. Well, that and his fight with Death, too.
"And I have almost no money to replace them," much of what he did have was given to Charlie so he could stay here. Naruto was a sinner - a unique one to be sure given what he could do - but he had no intentions of getting into Heaven. Which meant he had to pay instead of staying rent free. He'd feel bad if he didn't.
If Naruto suspected his friends and loved ones to be in Heaven he'd break down the gates and damn the consequences. Heaven didn't get to make the rules after all he did and after what he just witnessed from the exterminators. Sure, many deserved to be in Hell, but Naruto also suspected some didn't and they were only here due to technicalities.
Unfortunately, given Kurama's talk Naruto knew they weren't there. Why he was here - in Hell and what was obviously a different reality - remained the unanswered question. A question he would like answered. And if that answer sucked, well, he'd deck whoever brought him here. The blond might have grown up and matured since his early days but he was still Uzumaki-freaking-Naruto, dattebayo!
But that was a mission for another day. Right now, Naruto needed two things. First and foremost, he needed to find a source of steady income. Second, he needed something to eat. He was starving.
For the former, Naruto knew he could easily rob others but robbing people wasn't his thing unless he had no choice. Oh, he would have no problem robbing others if the money caused suffering but given he wasn't exactly an expert on who and where things were he wouldn't know where to look. And it wasn't like Charlie could hire him to guard the place, she was on a piano wire-tight budget already.
Naruto didn't work for free. And even if it was for room and board, Naruto still needed money for other things, too.
Fortunately, the hunger part was easy to accomplish. Once he left the room, Naruto's nose was greeted by the delicious odour of freshly made food. Which was odd as that wasn't the usual smell that normally entered his nose.
Usually it was alcohol, dust, and cleaning products.
Arriving at the second floor balcony, Naruto saw the hotel residents gathered around a table, some looked like they were eating as if their lives depended on it. Or never ate in the first place.
"God fucking damn! Dis is friggin' delicious!" Angel bit into a sausage, and to Naruto's surprise he wasn't doing anything salacious as he devoured the rolled up piece of meat.
"I haven't eaten this well since...ever!" Husk added. He had been overlord, and a decent one too, and even then the food he ate during that time was garbage by comparison. Even the food he had as a human paled by comparison.
"Mmmhmmhmm!" Niffty appeared to be speaking but the short cyclops-like demon's mouth was full of food.
"Delectable. Reminds me of mother's Sunday breakfast," Alastor was one of the more dignified eaters. It was surprising to see him there in the first place given he preferred eating alone. But given the heavenly smell, even the Radio Demon couldn't help himself.
"This tea isssss positively divine!" Pentious couldn't recall when he had such an amazing Earl Grey.
"Best. Breakfast. Ever~" Charlie sang. Even when she lived with her parents the meals were nowhere this good. And they employed some of the best cooks from the Gluttony Ring!
"No singing babe," Vaggie loved Charlie but she wanted to enjoy this heaven-send food without a show.
"What's all this?" everyone looked up from what they were doing to see Naruto jump from the second floor to the bottom.
"Breakfast, wat else?"
"I mean, who made it?"
"I did!" Naruto's gaze went to Michelle, who, sure enough, was in the kitchen and moving at break-neck speeds as she cooked, flipped, juiced, and squeezed various foods into a five-star meal.
"You?"
"Why so shocked? I did say I could cook," Michelle reminded him.
A quick trip down memory lane had Naruto recalling the claim, "I thought you were being boastful? Didn't think you could actually do it."
"Can't I do both?" Naruto couldn't deny that, "Sit."
The blond complied and grabbed a plate before he began pilling on food. A bite of his sausage and Naruto's eyes were threatening to pop out of his skull.
"Dear, God, this is delicious," and he thought Hinata was an excellent cook. This was high-class restaurant quality.
"Auntie Michelle, how'd you learn how to do this?"
"Secret," was all Michelle told her niece, a smirk appearing on her face.
"Aw, come on! For me? You can make it my birthday present. You know, because you missed the previous ones?...For almost two centuries."
Michelle gave her niece a deadpan look, "Really? Guilt tripping? I invented that, sweetheart," given how old Michelle was the group could believe it.
Damn! With her initial strategy up in flames, Charlie went another way and gave the archangel puppy-dog eyes. A sure-fire way to get what she wanted.
It didn't work, and only served to make her aunt laugh at the attempt, "Ha! You're Luci's kid alright. Sorry, but the puppy dog look means squat to me."
"Shit," Charlie cursed. Well, at least she-"Hey! Who stole my bacon!" it had been the last one on her plate.
"Ya snooze ya lose," Angel had the aforementioned piece of meat between his fingers.
"Angel, put the bacon down and no one gets hurt," Charlie warned.
"Better do what she says, Angel," Vaggie warned, she was feeling generous given the meal she was eating.
"Yeah, right, toots," Angel placed the piece of meat between his teeth, "Hehehe-WOAH!"
No one expected Charlie to pounce over the table and grab a very surprised and unsuspecting Angel.
"Gimme that back!" Charlie, now going full-on demon, ordered the spider-like sinner.
"Never!"
"Grrr!" Angel was now in a headlock, and Charlie's grip was incredibly strong.
Naruto blinked as did most of the group, all of whom looked at an unfazed Vaggie; who continued eating breakfast as though nothing was happening.
"She really likes her bacon," was all the former exterminator told them.
"Ya think dis, ugh, scares me? I was choked o-urk on a regular basis, doll! OW! No biting the ears!" that was one thing Angel didn't care for. Biting his ass was one thing. But the ears? Nuh-uh!
Naruto blinked, "He has ears?" and where those exactly? All Naruto saw was hair.
"Well, I'm fucking done," Husk announced. No way he could enjoy his meal with that image in his head. Fucking Angel. And this was good food too.
"Aha!" Charlie whooped, having returned to her usual form, and gobbled down her prize with gusto.
"...You know there's more right?" Michelle pointed at the stove.
"It's the principle of it!" her niece declared.
"And you don't like others taking food from your plate," Vaggie added.
"Charlie doesn't share food!" especially bacon.
"Crazy bitch," Angel muttered. And he thought his cousin Joey was bad. Charlie was surprisingly strong despite her porcelain/puppy/doll-like appearance. Angel thought it only applied to hugs. Now he knew better.
"Serves you right," Vaggie told him as she sipped her coffee. Damn, it was better than Starbucks. Yes, Heaven had Starbucks.
"Whatever, Vagina."
Ding dong!
"Special delivery!" a voice behind the door called.
Vaggie growled, "Pentious!"
"I didn't order anything thissss time!" the serpent-demon defended. Sure, he didn't get rid of the weapon parts he previously ordered but that was it.
"Wasn't me," Husk would have ordered better booze if he had the money. Alastor only summoned some when it suited him.
"Not me. I prefer getting my orders the good ol' fashion way," Alastor commented.
"Not me. I'm broke," Naruto told them.
"Ugh, fine, I'll go check," Vaggie told the group.
"Hey, Auntie M, you good making other things or just breakfast?"
"You name it, I can cook it. Though I have to admit there's this sweet old lady in Heaven who makes a mean pot of jambalaya. What was her name?"
"Hey, uh, Lady Michelle, it's addressed to you," Vaggie came back with a package in hand.
"Wat? Since when do angels get deliveries 'ere?"
"That doesn't look like one of our packages," Charlie observed, "Heaven?"
"Maybe? Must be important," Michelle took the package from Vaggie. It was a small unassuming thing, no bigger than a package meant to hold a laptop, and as Michelle began opening the delivered parcel did she suddenly find herself being bound by a metal contraption that left Michelle with no way to move. The metal limbs wrapped her arms, legs, and breasts, and even gagged her, too, before they rejoined and merged behind her back. All in all, Michelle looked like she was in a futuristic straight jacket.
"That's kinky," Angel commented, and expertly done he noted.
Naruto would have disagreed but his mind did see an attractive side to-NO! Bad thoughts! Not again! Not after the last time he and Hinata did something like this. A tale neither he nor his late wife would ever admit to anyone for how embarrassed they were after doing such a thing. Even more when they both secretly enjoyed it.
"Mmmmhmmmmhmm!" Michelle muffled.
"Wait? Seriously!" Angel exclaimed.
"You understand what she said?!" why was Vaggie surprised? She honestly should have expected otherwise.
"Call it a gift," Angel boasted; Vaggie wouldn't do so, "But she said that-"
"Aha! Got you, you lazy bitch! You're coming home with me!"
"Where'd that come from?" Pentious asked.
"Down there!"
The group looked as a screen snaked up the metal contraption before it stopped at Michelle's midriff, and then the face of someone appeared on it.
"Mmmhmmmfmmhm."
Everyone looked to Angel for a translation.
"Everyone, Urielle, Urielle-"
"Don't fucking care," Urielle told them. She had a shit ton to do and couldn't afford to waste a single second.
"Wait. Urielle. As in Archangel Urielle!" Vaggie's eyes threatened to pop.
"One and only."
"Seriously, how many more family members of yours are we gonna meet?" Angel looked at Charlie.
"Wait...family members?...CharChar's here?"
"Hi, aunty Urielle," Charlie greeted her second aunt, she was a little weary.
"Holy shit, how long's it been? No! Wait, sorry! Can't get off track. I'd like to catch up kiddo but-"
"Mmmmhmmmmhmmm!"
"She's asking why yer doing dis," Angel told the screen.
"Ohohohoho~She knows what she did. Or didn't do! You didn't think I wouldn't find your paperwork, did you? OR THAT IT WASN'T DONE PROPERLY!"
Michelle looked away from the group when they looked at her.
"Paperwork?" Naruto guessed the bane of every leader's existence followed them into the afterlife. Shit!
"You!"
Realizing that was directed at him, Naruto said, "Pardon?"
"You're the demon that defiled my sister," Urielle scowled.
Snap!
Finally managing to destroy the gag in her mouth, Michelle spoke, "Urielle-"
"Hey! Do you know how expensive that was!"
"Oh, please, like you can't get Raph to make more!"
"That's not the point! And at any rate, do you have any fucking idea how bad this looks? We're the archangels, we run Heaven, and we're supposed to set an example... Sure, the rules in Heaven don't really apply to us but we need to set an example still, you sex-crazed bitch!"
"Sex-crazed! Do I look like a high-school bimbo from the 1980s?!" okay, sure she might have gone a little overboard these last few days but being pent up and unfulfilled for centuries would do that.
"High school? No. Bimbo? Hell yes!"
"Oh, fuck off! You're just jealous I found a man that leaves me satisfied while you need to use that purple dildo of yours!"
"Purple dildo!?" were the thoughts of almost everyone.
"You leave Thanos out of this!"
"What the fuck is wrong with dad's side of the family!?" Charlie wondered just how this became her life. Urielle's comment really shattered the image she had of archangels. Though she had yet to meet her uncles so Charlie hoped they were at least normal.
"Besides, at least I didn't lower myself to sleeping with a demon!"
"We went fifty-two hours straight, and I was the one who got tired out," Michelle told her sister, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh, my God! Can we not bring that up anymore!?" Charlie pleaded.
However, Urielle had other plans, "...Maybe we can work out a de-"
"No," Naruto, having an inkling where this was gonna go, nipped the comment in the bud. He was not a man-whore!
"Have to agree with darling," Michelle had no intention of sharing Naruto with her twenty-foot pole up the ass, sleep-deprived, bookworm of a sister.
"Bitch! Then you're coming home! And you're not leaving till the paperwork is done. Properly!" metal wings suddenly sprung from the back of Michelle's bindings, jets were situated on the bottom of them and they began to hum with power.
"Hold on! I got a question!"
"What?!" Urielled demanded.
"How'd do you know they're bumpin' uglies?" Angel asked.
"That's...a very good question, actually," Naruto realized.
"Urielle?" Michelle looked at her sister.
...
"...You didn't!"
"No more questions."
"You peeping Tammy! You did it again, didn't you!?"
"I said no more questions!"
For crying out loud, "Did what?" Charlie asked.
"She spied on us with one of those damn drones!"
"Not on purpose!"
"So, you admit it!"
"I...Uh...Eh...Wait a minute! This is your fault, to begin with!"
"Don't change the subject, you nosy little pervert!"
"You're calling me a pervert? Ha! That's rich coming from the slut that got fucking tag-teamed and spit-roasted by a demon!" sure a very well-endowed and chiselled-from-marble human-looking demon, but a demon regardless!
"What?!"
"Oh, yeah, I saw what he did with that clone of his!" impressive though he was, Urielle couldn't believe her sister would do that.
"Clone! I never...Oh, shit, I did do that," Naruto realized.
"Damn it! You're seriously one lucky bitch, ya know that!" Angel frowned when Michelle gave him a smug look.
"Lucky! Are you kidding me?! What kinda person has another-"
As Urielle listed every position and deprived act that she observed her oldest sibling perform with a demon of all things, the residents of the Hazbin Hotel developed varying degrees of reactions. Each move that was listed only served to traumatize and horrify Charlie more and more; Vaggie's jaw hit the floor alongside Husk; Angel was pissed and jealous and impressed. A lot of the moves listed weren't easy to pull off. Alastor's smile never wavered. And Niffty was confused and had questions.
"Wait? What's a butter churner got to do with this?"
"It ain't an actu-"
"NO ONE ANSWER!" Charlie commanded before Angel could explain anything.
"...Wow! We did all that? Damn!"
"All I know is I liked it," Michelle told Naruto.
"You did? Most women don't like a few of those moves...at least the first time," Michelle was a real champ it seemed. It had taken Hinata a few tries before she liked even half of those positions.
"I'm not most women," Michelle winked at her lover.
"Clearly," what else was there to say, Naruto wondered.
"Vaggie, no amount of therapy will ever make this okay," Charlie groaned.
"Not like there are any therapists in Hell anyway," at least none that were practicing in any way.
"True."
"Hold up! Aren't you a therapist?" Naruto asked.
"No?"
"So, wait a minute, you're trying to help people with their problems and get them into Heaven, but you have no training or experience whatsoever?!" please say no, please say no!
"Uh...yeah~"
Damn it!
"...Kid, you're really gonna need help," and then some, Naruto noted.
"Kid! I'm older than you!"
"Yet, somehow, I'm much more mature," Naruto retorted. The blond didn't know how it worked with hellborn when it came to mental and physical growth but in his mind, Charlie was still a child. A kind-hearted and noble one but a child nonetheless.
"Uh, hello! She's trying to take off with me here!" Michelle was almost at the door while the group was distracted. A black gilded chain that came from Naruto's hand wrapped around the bound archangel and reeled her back in. Naruto then proceeded to free the archangel by breaking the mechanical arms that kept her bound.
"Thanks, darling," Michelle told Naruto.
"Shit!" Urielle cursed, "Is what I would say if I didn't anticipate such a thing!"
Package after package materialized inside the hotel and every one of them turned into shreds as their contents freed themselves. All of which were destroyed by the countless black chains that erupted from Naruto's body. Each chain that destroyed one chased after another like a heat-seeking missile until nothing more was left.
"...Okay, that I didn't anticipate," Urielle was being serious. Those machines were extremely durable. Not as durable as the armaments of an archangel but durable nonetheless, and this human-fox-like demon destroyed them like they were nothing more than paper. Urielle was worried and curious. Raph would most likely be curious and fascinated. But most importantly, "Look, I still need you to come back up!"
"Couldn't you have just asked instead of trying to kidnap her?" Charlie asked.
"HA! You don't know Michelle like I do, CharChar! Eldest and strongest of us she might be-"
"Not might. AM!" the word 'might' implied that it was up for debate and it wasn't in Michelle's opinion.
"Whatever! Just get your ass home! I can't clear as much without your signature! And so help me God if your paperwork isn't done properly I will redecorate your room with pretty pink ponies and have pictures taken for all of Heaven to see!" Urielle decided it was time to go with plan B.
"You wouldn't dare!" Michelle had a rep to maintain.
"I will! So help me I will!"
"Why didn't you go that route in the first place?" Vaggie asked.
"I wanted to humiliate the big pain in the ass," was Urielle's answer, "Thanks for ruining it, asshole!"
Naruto shrugged. Not his problem he was a wild card that more often than not messed up more plans than he could count.
"...Argh! Fine! Crybaby. I'll be there in an hour," Michelle relented.
"You got ten minutes!" Urielle, smug by the events now going in her favor, countered and then turned off the connection.
"Bitch! Mom really should have taught her to chill the fuck out," Michelle commented to no one. This sucked!
"Mom?! I have a grandmother?! Why am I only just learning this?!" Charlie added one more thing to the list against her dad.
"You honestly didn't think dad made us with his own two hands, did you?"
"Kinda, yeah," was Charlie's reply, "I mean, he is God."
"...Fair enough. I mean, he could of, and he did so with the other angels, but with the seven of us, dad went the traditional route. I was born first, then Lucifer, Emi and Raph, Urielle, Remiel and then lastly Gabe. As for why you didn't know...well, it's not something anyone in the family really talks about anymore."
"Wat she dead or something?" Angel joked.
Angel found an archangel's sword at his throat in response, "Never. Joke. About. That!"
Angel would have replied had the pressure not rendered him unconscious, and many others that were near the porn star weren't faring any better. Fortunately, Michelle calmed down and the pressure they felt vanished, even if their sense of unease remained.
"Sorry 'bout him," Charlie hesitantly approached her aunt.
Michelle waved her niece off, "Don't apologies for his actions."
A small jolt from her fingers struck Angel and had him yelping and grabbing his singed backside, "Yeow! Da he-"
Michelle cut him off by grabbing the spider-demon, "You get one! Got it!"
"Got it!" Angel nodded vigorously. Note to Angel: don't piss of Auntie M.
"You'd better. That said, talking about mom's not a subject the family likes discussing. Nor is it one I want to talk about at the moment either. I'll tell you later, CharChar. But not now. It would take too long anyway. Besides, I have a rep to protect."
"Uh, don't know bout you, but pretty sure dat rep's gone to ...well, here, when ya hooked up with the blond stud," Angel commented. Naruto was a demon and Michelle was an archangel for crying out loud. How did that work exactly? And Angel didn't mean from a physical standpoint.
"I mean I don't wanna be seen as a girly girl! I'm the biggest, baddest bitch in the Seven Heavens! If they think or see my room having pink ponies and all that girly shit that wouldn't be the case anymore!" and it took her years to cement that reputation. She'd pretty much have to cause a war to recoup from such a loss!
"Oh...Yeah, that would do it," Angel agreed. Pink was an awesome color. Pink was Angel's color. But put pink on a horse or ponies, and that didn't exactly scream bad-ass. Never had, never will.
"We're parting for now, but I'll be back before you know it, beloved, but before I go, I just have one thing to do," Michelle told Naruto.
"Pretty sure Charlie doesn't wanna hear us having sex...again...and repeatedly," Charlie was nodding her head like mad.
"Tempting as that sounds, that's not it. It's this."
Naruto cocked his eye at Michelle's lack of desire for sex. Sure the break was nice, but he had doubts. But said doubts evaporated when the lights went out and then came back up with a spotlight centered on the archangel, and what she did next unnerved him.
Oh, wherever you go, you know I will follow you
You know I will run to you
Oh, the sun and the moon
It don't matter what you do
You know I will run to you
Can't believe in all this time I'm hurting for you
But you feel like home, home
Love gives, it lifts so high I'm dying for it
I'm dying for it
And I can't let you go
Hide away, hide away from me
Hide away, hide away from me
Hide away, hide away from me
Or you lose
Or you lose
"The fuck," Husk said. He looked at the bottle in his hand and dropped it, "I'm done."
"Get it, girl!" Angel cheered.
"Aw, that's so sweet!" Charlie gushed at the scene.
Naruto just stood there frozen on the spot. Hell was fucking weird.
But Heaven was just as weird, too, apparently.
"...So... Uh, how do ya think he's doing?" Angel asked.
"He hasn't come out of his room since Michelle left," Husk didn't blame Naruto.
"Yikes. Then again, that song was creepy as fuck. Catchy, but creepy," Angel commented; Husk agreed.
"I liked it," Charlie didn't know what was wrong with the song.
"'Course you would, babe," Vaggie deadpanned. Her girlfriend had done something similar years before to someone she was crushing on well before she and Charlie became a couple. It had taken her parents a lot to sweep that incident under the rug.
"Ya think da song broke 'im? Yo! Stud! Ya okay?" Angel called up from the parlour.
He got no response.
"Eh, I'm sure he's fine. Now, ya said ya wanted us ta do something, right?"
"Yes! Back to the program!" Charlie smiled.
"Program? What program? Don't think I don't see you're making this shit up as you go along!" Husk observed. The winged cat demon had to agree with Naruto's earlier comment about Charlie needing help.
She had no idea what the fuck she was doing.
"Okay, sure, it's not perfect-"
"Unlike me!" Angel quickly added.
"-but since when is anything perfect when it first starts out?" Charlie finished, "Besides, this is a simple exercise everyone can enjoy!"
"Roach puppet shows?!"
"No, Niffty... Maybe later," she added when the small demoness' eyes started to water.
"Yay!"
"So what do you have in mind, Charlie?"
"Like I said, something simple: Show and Tell!"
"Ooh, me first!" Angel volunteered; Husk was immediately suspicious.
"Great! What do you want to share!"
(Minutes Later)
As Naruto finally left his room, having come out of the daze caused by Michelle's song, the blond heard the oddest of sounds coming from the parlour and saw everyone was watching something on the TV.
"Yo! What are you guys wat-WHAT THE FUCK!?" Naruto couldn't believe what he was seeing. He wished he stayed in his room.
"Hey, stud! How you doin'?" Angel asked as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening.
Naruto ignored him, "WHY ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING PORN OUT IN THE OPEN!?"
"It's show and tell! I'm showin' and tellin' yous all that this movie got me a sex-x-xi award. Oh, wait dis is the best part!"
Best part?
Everyone watched as the Angel on the TV screen had his ass harshly bitten by the dominating hellhound. Pentious was scared and covered his eyes with his hood; Charlie looked away with a cringe; Vaggie was pissed; Naruto felt his breakfast coming up. The blond had nothing against homosexuality but that didn't mean he wanted to see gay porn, or violent sex acts that should not be pleasurable.
"Okay, if traumatizing events are gonna be a regular thing here, I'm gonna need to find a new place to stay," even the appeal of ramen held only so much sway.
"Trust me, we're as shocked as you are," Vaggie informed him. Of all the things to show she didn't expect Angel to do this. Oh, she should have anticipated it, but she wanted to give Angel the benefit of the doubt.
She wasn't going to make that mistake twice.
"Isss it over?" Pentious asked, his eyes still covered by his snake-like hood.
"It's over," Angel told him.
"Oh, thank-AHHHHH! LIAR!" Pentious wailed as the porno scene somehow got worse, "MY EYESSS!"
"Sucka!"
Smash!
"Da fuck!" Angel couldn't believe Naruto did that, "Dat was our only DVD player!"
"Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to look at that thing anymore," Naruto withdrew his arm from the utterly destroyed television accessory. The memory of this event wasn't gonna go away any time soon.
"You have my compliments, dear boy!"
"Didn't do it for you, Alastor," Naruto did it for his own sanity.
"My thanks remain nonetheless!"
"Ya mind fixing it with yer voodoo, or whatever?" Angle requested.
"Ha! No." Alastor denied Angel's requisition. Naruto did not understand the demon's apparent dislike for TV, or anything related to them.
"You douchebags got no class," Angel huffed.
"Says the guy who used a porno for show and tell!...Wait, is that a common thing in Hell?" Naruto pleaded for a good answer.
"It's not," Vaggie answered his prayers, "Unless you're from the Lust Ring."
"The what now?"
"Lust Ring. How could-Oh, right, new sinner," Vaggie remembered. That was still hard to wrap her head around given Naruto's capabilities.
"There's more than one Hell?" well, that sucked.
"More like it's separated into seven parts," Charlie elaborated, "Sinners are confined to the topmost ring, the Pride Ring, and can't go anywhere else. Then you have Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Envy and Sloth."
Naruto knew the Nara Clan would be quite at home in the latter ring if they were hellborn, much like the Akimichi Clan would feel at home in Gluttony, assuming both rings reflected their names and weren't misleading. Both the Nara and Akimichi were respectively the laziest and most food-crazed clans in all the Elemental Countries.
"When you say 'can't', do you mean as in they're not allowed or they actually can't?"
"...Good question," Angel honestly didn't think much of it, not that he had any reason to go to the other rings anyway, or tried to be honest. The Pride Ring had everything he needed. He simply knew what he was told, and that was sinners couldn't leave Pride. The exact reason for why eluded him at the moment.
"It's a seal."
"Pardon?" Naruto looked to Husk, the one who answered.
"There's a wide array of powerful magic that prevents sinners from leaving the Pride Ring. Sinners were originally allowed on all the rings but when the very first Extermination began they were all forced to the Pride Ring."
"Yeah, that's also something I gotta ask," Naruto began, "Your dad and mom were the first demons, right?"
"Yeah?" technically her father was a fallen angel but whatever.
"So, sinners are demons that were once human. How did hellborn come to be? Ya got any siblings?" Naruto wondered exactly how that worked. With humans in this world, Michelle had explained they were born from a combined effort of divine intervention and evolution. The latter also being a byproduct of Lucifer's interference that had rapidly sped up the process in certain human-related species that already existed that would become humans. As such, the human created by God crossbred with those that evolved naturally.
While God created the first humans, Lucifer had technically created the human race with his actions. Even if evil was born as an unintended result.
"Ugh, I wish," though given what she recently learned about her parents, potential half-siblings weren't out of the-NO! Charlie don't go there and mentally scar yourself! "Uh, anyway, most of them were originally angels that sided with mom and dad, others are descendants of the first sinners and fallen angels, and some just came into being from Hell itself, and the rest, I dunno."
"Back up! Sinners can't have kids!" Angel pointed out.
"The first generation of sinners could," Charlie revealed, "That was taken away from them when Extermination Day first began."
Naruto understood. The Extermination was used as a way to reduce the overpopulation of Hell, and given that millions of sinners appeared in Hell every year from what he learned, taking away their ability to reproduce to help minimize the overpopulation problem that much further made sense. But while Naruto understood it, he didn't agree with it. Then again, he wouldn't doubt that demons, every type of demon, used others as currency, even their own family. It had been done even while he was alive.
"So, there's no way a sinner can go to the other rings?"
"Many have tried, all have failed," Alastor sang.
Naruto merely grinned, "Challenge accepted."
"Beg pardon?"
"Challenge. Accepted," Naruto repeated more slowly.
"Oh, no! No, no, no, no, nonono!" Vaggie shut that idea down, "Are you trying to piss off Lucifer!"
"What's he gonna do to me? I kicked Michelle's ass and Lucifer's never beaten her," Naruto was confident he could take on the King of Hell.
"Don't ya mean you fucked her ass?"
"Angel!" Charlie shouted as Angel cackled.
"...Okay, technically you're not wrong on that. It is a great ass," Naruto's unexpected comment threw many for a loop.
"Naruto!" Charlie was just aghast.
"What? Michelle's got an awesome ass? It's a nice, toned, fuckable ass," Naruto enjoyed the look Charlie developed and went for the killing blow, "And I should know."
"CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY AUNT'S ASS?!" the Princess of Hell couldn't believe how the conversation turned into this!
Naruto laughed, "Sorry, I couldn't resist...her ass that is. That thing's a deadly weapon of ass attraction."
"HA! Good one, stud," Angel cackled.
"Can we, for the love of God, change the subject!?" Vaggie added; Charlie was pretty much ready to slaughter the entire group.
"Killjoy!"
"Fine, fine. Onto a serious matter," it was actually one Naruto was going to discuss with Charlie before the porno distracted him, "I'm gonna help you with this place."
"...Say what now?"
"Well, for one-"
Crash!
"Oops!"
"Damn it, Pentious! I thought I told you to get rid of those things!" Vaggie told the serpent demon.
"Not my Egg Boiz!" first his machines, now his minions! Never! Who would wait on him hand and foot?
"Ah, the boss loves us!"
"Bite your tongue!" Pentious squeezed the minion in question to the point of cracking its shell.
"Pentious. Remember what I said? No more building weapons, no more plotting against other guests, and, oh, right, you need to get rid of these things!" Vaggie reminded
Zap!
"AH!" Vaggie ducked as a laser shot through her bow, courtesy of two Egg Boiz more or less doing a tug of war with one of Pentious weapons, "What did I say? What did I just say?"
Pentious only hugged his Egg Boiz that much closer, "But they do my evil bidding for me!"
"Look, if you wanna stay here Pentious, no more evil doings! You said you wanted to redeem yourself, right?"
"Yessss?" Pentious agreed, albeit hesitantly.
"Then no more eggs. No more weapons of destruction, and no more evil plots!"
Pentious had tears in his eyes but he nodded regardless, "All right, eggiesss. You've got to go. I ... I can't keep you anymore!" Pentious sobbed.
"Okay, boss," the minions merely accepted and began to walk away.
"No, don't resist. This is how it has to be!" while Pentious was being comforted by Charlie, Naruto noted that the inventor was such a drama queen.
"Alastor, mind taking care of 'em?"
"Him!" Pentious couldn't believe this!
"Oh, well, I'd be delighted to!" Alastor's sinister look had Pentious clutching his heart.
"Humanely!"
"Hmm. Well, that's a lot less fun. But I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today."
"Mind if I join?" Naruto asked.
"Oh?"
"Don't know my way around to be honest," Naruto explained, "And Carmilla wants to see me."
"Ah, well then, you're in luck. Simply consider me your friendly neighbourhood guide!"
"Bout dat! How do ya know Carmilla anyway? Ya seemed pretty chummy with her daughter," Angel recalled how Ana wanted to jump the blond's bones then and there.
"I saved their lives on Extermination Day," Naruto revealed.
"Oh-ho! Do tell!" Alastor grinned wickedly.
"Not much to say. Exterminators had them pinned down. Carmilla had her leg pierced by one of them and Blanca was forced to watch as an exterminator stabbed Ana in the chest with their spear. Then I intervened."
"Hold it! She was stabbed in the chest by an angel spear! I'm sorry, but that's fucking impossible! If she was stabbed like that she'd be dead!" Vaggie knew that all too well as a former exterminator. It was an old tactic, and one she was ashamed to admit to having used many times.
"She almost did. Then I healed her and that's that."
"... You did what?!"
"I healed her?"
"Okay, now I know you're fucking with me. Angelic weapons aren't something you can just heal. You can recover over time if it's not fatal, but healing it yourself is only possible in Heaven and even then there are limits! I would know! I lost an eye when I turned my back on them."
"You're an exterminator!" Angel exclaimed; both he, Husk and Pentious backed away from Vaggie. The angel didn't blame them for their actions.
"Former, but yeah. Lost my wings and my eye when I got caught letting a demon go when I could have killed them instead," Vaggie admitted.
Huh? Naruto thought the 'X' meant something else.
"You knew!" Angel looked at Charlie.
"I thought she was just an angel at first but she came clean when we went for a walk... Wasn't my place to say," Charlie told him.
"So, ya did know!" Charlie merely nodded her head.
"So?" Naruto didn't see a problem.
"SO! Do ya have any idea how much her kind-"
"But she's not their kind, is she? Not anymore anyway," Naruto interjected, "Besides, this place is about second chances, right? Redemption? Why can't she find redemption?"
"Because...uh...um...She's a fucking exorcist!"
"And you're a fucking porn star and drug addict, Angel. Pentious is a psycho-inventor with trust issues. Husk is a self-loathing alcoholic with a lot of regrets. Niffty's a knife-wielding maniac. Alastor's a backstabbing soul-dealing son of a bitch. I've killed people and done other bad shit. And Kurama's a former walking calamity with a kill count greater than all of Hell combined, and then some! But isn't that what this place is all about? Giving you a chance to turn around your life for the better despite your past?"
"I ain't forgiving her," Angel crossed his arms.
Naruto smiled, "You will. In time you will. Know how I know? Cuz that's what being a better person's about. Forgiving others, letting go of your hate. Because if you don't, it just leaves you empty and bitter and in the end, that's all you're left with. And that's a pretty shitty way to live your life. Not much of a life anyway. Besides, if she wanted she could have killed ya before you realized it. Especially you, Angel."
"Me? What did I-" Angel stopped when he noticed everyone but Alastor and Niffty giving him flat looks, "...Fair 'nough."
"But she didn't. I mean, her fighting style's shit, but she could do it easily, but didn't nonetheless," Naruto concluded.
"I'm sorry, what?" Vaggie believed she heard wrong.
"I noticed the way you use your spear, it's the same as the exterminators: aggressive but full of holes. I'm guessing it's because you guys are so used to people not fighting back. Which is why I'm gonna whip your ass into shape. Can't have shitty hotel security. But before that," everyone looked on as Naruto's arm became enveloped by golden flames and before they could react his hand was on Vaggie's head.
The former exterminator's mind finally registered what was happening. Her initial thought was that everything Naruto said was merely a ploy to get her off guard and end her once and for all. Then the warmth settled in and enveloped her entire being. It was comforting, energizing, thrilling even! Hells! She felt like she could take on an army by how much her blood was pumping. She had never felt like this before. It was amazing. Even her vision was better! She was seeing things...Wait!
"Seeing is believing, right?" Naruto told her.
Hesitantly, Vaggie brought up her hand to the left side of her face... and saw it. After so many years her vision had been restored, a feat that would have been impossible unless she were in Heaven, and even then there were limits. And that wasn't all it seemed.
"Ooh, pretty feathers!" Niffty awed.
Once more did the former exterminator hesitantly move her hand and then felt something soft and light and fluffy that she hadn't felt in years. Her wings were back. It proved too much for Vaggie and she couldn't stop herself even if she tried. Her knees buckled and tears began to flow from both her eyes. Charlie knelt beside her and gaped when she saw the restored ocular organ and the rest were left bewildered, too.
"H...How?" Charlie asked as Vaggie continued to shed happy tears.
"Like I said, I'm awesome," Naruto grinned, "Oof!"
"Uh...we're all seen dis, right? I'm not drunk or coked outta my mind?"
"Dunno. I've had a few today, but even I'm doubting what I'm seeing," Husk added his two cents. But even then being drunk made more sense than the sight before him.
Vaggie was hugging someone other than Charlie, and looking more vulnerable than ever.
"Desde el fondo de mi corazón, gracias!"
"...Translation?"
"From the bottom of my heart, thank you," a teary-eyed Charlie replied, and mimicked her girlfriend by hugging Naruto as well, "Thank you."
"Humph, any time, kiddoes," Naruto patted both of them on the head. It was a nice moment.
"Ugh, I'm gonna throw up!"
One that Angel ruined with a single sentence. But the porn star was forgetting something very important.
"You know she's got wings now, right?" Vaggie was now grinning an incredibly evil-fanged smile, her wings outstretched and ready to take flight.
"...Uh-oh!" Angel ran for his life; Vaggie flew after him as the demon screamed his head off, "Thanks a lot, stud!"
Sniff!
"Pentious?...Are you crying!" Charlie asked.
"No! Of course... not!...Waaaahahahaha! Yessss, I am! Don't look at me!"
"And this is why you never became an overlord," Alastor laughed.
"WAAAHHHH!" Pentious was now crying for another reason now.
(Sometime Later)
When everything had finally calmed down and the disorder caused by Naruto's actions, Charlie regathered the group, sans Angel and Vaggie, once more to explain her plans of the day, "So, guys. It's been brought to our attention that there may be a little, tension in the hotel."
"Tension that can be counterproductive to what we're trying to do here," a returned Vaggie added, and she was smiling from ear to ear.
"You killed him didn't you?" Husk accused. Though he wouldn't blame her if she did.
"No. I thought of something better," Vaggie laughed, "Come out!"
"Don't wanna!"
"You come out or I'm going for the tit fluff next!"
"Tit fluff? What did you-AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Husk couldn't help but fall to the ground holding his sides. Others weren't far off and the sight really helped ease the tension Charlie was so concerned about.
"You assholes can go fuck yourselves!" shouted and middle-fingered a head-shaved Angel. The cut hair on his head made him appear like an ostrich.
"Who's the new lady?" Niffty asked, only adding more fuel to the fire as everyone laughed even harder. And it was true. The new look did make him appear much more feminine.
"I hate you all!" Angel shouted once more. Fortunately, Angel had wigs whenever Valentino had him get his hair cut, or if the overlord ruined it when in one of his fouler moods.
"Sorry, ha, ha, Angel. I'm sorry, that's rude," Charlie apologized.
"Don't make it less funny!"
"Fuck you, Whiskers! How imma gonna trust you douches now?!"
"That!" Charlie declared and all eyes were now on her, "That's what we're here to do next! Trust exercises!"
"Trust exercises! Ah, shit!"
Thud!
"Ow!"
"Vaggie, we rehearsed this," Charlie whined as she pulled her girlfriend up from the ground.
"Kinda took me off guard, sweetie. Besides, the wings threw me off. Gonna take a while to get fully used to 'em again," Vaggie excused, "We're doing trust exercises, people!"
"So, uh, what's with the whole, uhh, this?" Husk gestured to the stage in the middle of the ground floor, "I'm not about to put on some show for these fucking chumps."
"Oh, I will, but it's cash up front, and I know that one can't afford me," Angel pointed at Pentious.
"Grosssss! I'd never think of it, spider! Not even if you ssssanitized yourself for an entire year!"
Vaggie had to agree. Angel did some pretty gross thing based on that horror show he had them watch, "Right, well, let's get started. Charlie?"
"Actually, I thought maybe you could take the lead on this one. I trust everyone, so maybe you know better on how to build it properly!"
"What? Uhh, I don't know if I'm qualified, uh..."
"Oh, come on. It'll be easy!" Naruto knew from a lifetime of experience that it was not the case, "I'm sure you can handle this."
"Yeah, um, sure, I can handle this. No problem," Vaggie calmed herself with a deep breath before she began speaking like a drill sergeant, "All, right, so we are starting with trust falls! Each of you are going to share something vulnerable with the group about yourself and then fall backwards, while the rest of the group catches you. Got it? Who wants to go first?"
"Ooh, ooh, me me me! Me! Me! Me!" Charlie squealed like a child.
"All right, get on up here," Vaggie ordered her girlfriend, and everyone watched as the princess ran up onto the stage.
"I, I love you guys. Like, really, really love you," Charlie confessed before she fell backwards. She was caught by both Naruto and Vaggie, though the blond felt what Charlie said wasn't really a vulnerable part of her. Charlie made that clear every day.
"That... felt... good! Angel, why don't you go next?!" Charlie asked.
"Fine!"
"This time everyone needs to catch him, okay? Unless you want me to hurt you," Vaggie threatened with her spear. Suffice it to say the rest got closer to the stage.
"Hmm. Somethin' about myself, huh? Uhh...Oh! How about this? I LOVE to suck-"
"I swear to fuck if you say dicks!" Husk threatened.
"-popsicles, ya sicko! Get your mind outta the gutter!" Angel laughed before he fell backwards into their arms, mostly an irate Husk's arms, "But, you know, dicks too!"
Husk promptly dropped him for that comment.
"All, right, new guy, you're up!" Vaggie ordered and she and everyone watched as Pentious went all melodramatic.
"I... don't want to live without my minions. Nobody catch me!"
He was caught nonetheless, "Damn it!"
"Wow, you are slimy," Naruto commented.
"Very slimy. Ugh, gross, that's enough!" Vaggie released Pentious, "Okay, uh, good job. Uh, Naruto, how 'bout you?"
"Me? Uh, okay. Umm, let's see...Ah, I ... don't want to be alone again..." Naruto admitted and then fell backwards into their arms.
"Alone?" Charlie wondered.
"A good therapist would recall me saying I was an orphan," Naruto reminded her.
Oh, right. Bad Charlie!
"See, that's how you do it! Okay, Niffty-"
The small demon rushed to the stage before Vaggie even finished, "Sometimes, I kill mother-bugs in front of their children as a warning to others!"
Her mad cackling as she admitted to the disturbing reveal had everyone take a step back when she launched herself into the air. Niffty fell to the ground but it didn't bother her in the least when no one caught her. In fact, she enjoyed it.
"Yay! Pain!" Niffty rose from her spot and repeated the action more than once, "Pain!"
The mood took a nose dive from there due to the disturbing scene that was looping before their eyes.
"Well, that spiralled out of control fast."
"Yeah, I don't know if this is really working the way we'd hoped. Maybe we should-"
"Charlie, you can't expect things to work out right off the bat. This is your first time doing this, it's gonna be flawed."
"Naruto's right, honey. We'll figure something out," Vaggie reassured.
"Yo! If you're in the market for some ideas, I've got just the thing for some trust buildin'" Angle told them.
"What do you have in mind?" Charlie asked; Naruto and Vaggie were worried. Doubly so when Angel smiled. Naruto knew a pranking smile when he saw one.
"Angel! What the actual fuck?!" Vaggie declared once her brain finally registered where they were.
"No activity requires more trust than BDSM, baby. No bond stronger than those formed through bondage! That's their motto!" and it was true. Said motto was on a poster hanging on the wall.
"Angel, love the enthusiasm. But, umm, uh, hmmm-"
"What makes you think anyone would be into this?" Vaggie finished her girlfriend's sentence.
"Oh, God!" a disguised Naruto finally spoke.
"Yo, stud? Ya'll right?"
"No, not really," this brought back some very conflicting memories. Memories best sealed away to the point that not even a Yamanaka could unlock them.
"Oh-ho! Does someone have a secret fetish?" Angel prodded.
"It was one time!" Naruto suddenly declared before he could stop himself.
It hadn't been the one time, to his great shame.
"I don't believe you~" Angel sang, loving every moment of this.
"NO MORE QUESTIONS!" shouted the red-faced jinchuriki.
"Oh, no! Yer not...No fucken way!" Angel suddenly gaped, "Is dat who I...Holy shit! It is!"
Naruto turned around and wished he hadn't. Standing not a dozen feet from them bare-chested in a black leather and rings-covered outfit that revealed way too much for his liking was Kurama. And he had a collar connected to a leash that was being held by a very tall woman, though still considerably shorter than Kurama, whose face was covered to hide who she was.
"Foxy?!"
"...Well... this is awkward," was all the demon fox could say.
Awkward!? It was traumatizing!
"What are you going here?!"
"Uh...well...okay, yeah, it's exactly what it looks like," Kurama couldn't think of any good lie given the circumstances.
"Kurama, sweetie, do you want a spanking? If not, move your cute tush," the woman holding the leash ordered.
"Yes, sweetie."
Sweetie?!
"See ya!" Kurama told them and left with his partner into a room marked...Naruto felt his brain stop when he registered what the sign read.
"Okay, screw you guys, I'm going home! There's only so much of this crap I can take!"
Poof!
"That was a clone? Then where's Naruto?" Husk asked as he was getting a massage. The distraction gave Niffty, who was dressed as a dominatrix enough time to get onto the bartender's back.
"It's time for a bad boy to get a spanking!" she cackled and patted the riding crop in her hand. Her hold on him was surreal and her demented look only served to unnerve Husk even further.
"Oh, fuck!" Husk regretted not following Naruto's lead.
"Spanking Time!"
Slap!
"YEOW! The fu-"
"Spank, spank, spank, spank, spank!" Niffty only cackled more loudly, ignoring Husk's cries as she continued to bring down her crop!
"Wow, yer good at dis!" Angel complimented; the distraction allowed the rest of the group to leave the club without being seen. Husk was on his own.
(Meanwhile)
Naruto shivered as the memories of his clone popped into his head and he shuddered as he processed everything.
"Oh, God," Naruto muttered. He'd never be able to look at Kurama the same way again. He was pretty sure if his connection to his siblings was intact they'd have the same reaction.
"Beg pardon?" Alastor was curious.
"Nothing!"
"Hmm," Alastor very much doubted that.
"What's the plan, boss? I like your suit! What are the antlers for? Can I touch your staff thing? Are those your ears or is it your hair? I can't tell!"
Both Alastor and Naruto felt their eyes twitch again as the Egg Boiz resumed their inane chatter. Well, at least it lasted a whole two minutes this time. But even then, the disguised Naruto looked to the Radio Demon and asked, "You sure you can't conjure up a frying pan?"
"Regrettably, I gave my word to dear Vagatha that I'd get rid of them humanely...Much as I desire otherwise. And for all my faults and splendour, I am a man of my word," Alastor informed.
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her?" Naruto added. The homunculus-shaped eggs were starting to get on his last nerve, and he had raised five kids with Uzumaki-level energy, four of which were girls, and that paled by comparison.
"Tempting as that is-"
"Hark, Alastor. How fare thee this day?" spoke a tall, dark, spider-like demon, more spider-like than Angel, that appeared before them.
"Who's that, boss? Want me to rough him up for you?"
"Follow in silence if you value your shell!" Alastor ordered to the Eggs Boiz, "Greetings, Zestial!"
"Oh, holy shit!"
"Zestial?" Naruto ignored the demon that ran away upon seeing them, "You're Ana and Blanca's uncle, right?"
"Hmm, and who art thou, my fare lady?" Zestial asked, more of a demand really.
"Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto introduced, taking off his disguise and watched as everyone near them ran away. Some ran into alleyways, others through walls, and windows, and some into the sewer. One even set himself on fire and another poured acid on his head. Who carried acid in their pocket?! What kind of reactions were those anyway?!
"Ah, the Angelslayer. Though hath my many thanks for acting so nobly on that wretched day. Pray tell, Alastor, how dist thou meet?"
"We reside in the same abode. This one wishes to aid our dear princess in her endeavours," Alastor informed the oldest overlord.
Zestial laughed, "Ah, so the rumour of thy involvement with the princess and her recent flight of fancy doth prove true. Why and how does thou fall in with such folly?"
"That is for me to know. But please, do guess, I'd love to know the theories!" Alastor was curious about these rumours.
"T'would be grander folly by far to assume the workings of your mind, Alastor. Thou hath been naught but an enigma since thy manifested in this realm!"
"Coming from someone as ancient as you, I take that as quite the compliment!"
"But none so great as thy companion. To fell not only the exterminators and their leaders but Archangel Michelle as well so spectacularly. Tell me, how did thou accomplish such a miraculous feat?"
"I've said it before, I'll say again: I'm awesome," Naruto declared.
Zestial cocked an eye at that, "Thou ist be more boastful than an explanation."
Naruto simply shrugged, "Yeah, well. I'm sticking with it."
"Ha ha ha ha. Thou are becoming more intriguing by each passing moment," Zestial chuckled, "But I digress. Why are thou here?"
"My dear friend is newly born here. And I've taken it upon myself to show him the sights and splendours of Hell," Alastor told his fellow overlord.
"Thou aren't aware of the summons?"
"Summons?"
"A meeting of the overlords has been called. But then, it has been an age since thou hath graced us with thy presence. Some hath spun wild tales of you falling to... holy arms," Zestial chuckled.
"Oh, that, I just took a well-earned sabbatical, nothing serious. Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes! Hahaha! When is it taking place?"
"An hour from now. But thy companion, however, is expected sooner. Dearest Ana has given you the summons?"
"Something about Carmilla wanting to see me, right?" that was all Carmilla's daughter said at any rate.
"Quite right. What plans my friend holds for thou I can but wonder."
"Oh-ho! Perhaps another powerful lady wishing to court you? Hmm?" Alastor laughed.
"Don't jinx it, smiley," Naruto already had enough on his plate with an archangel and having an overlord's daughter crushing on him. Sure, Carmilla was attractive and-Whoa, stop! Don't go there Naruto! No bad thoughts!...Shit! Said thoughts just came through.
Damn it!
"Zestial, my friend, thank you for bringing him."
"A pleasure as always, Carmilla," Zestial bowed before taking his leave.
"You two close?"
"As close as any overlord and demon in general can be," was all Carmilla said, "Thank you for coming here. But before we get started, here!"
Taking the small package from Carmilla's hands, Naruto asked, "What's this?"
"A phone...you know what a phone is, correct?"
Naruto's blank look told her everything. He was old but that didn't mean he didn't know how to use a smartphone.
"Good, that saves quite a bit of time. Now, onto the matter at hand."
"Yeah, Ana said you wanted to see me?"
"I did. I would like to hire your services," Carmilla said.
"Oh, for the love of... Look, I am not a man-whore for hire, okay! Don't get me wrong, you're an attractive woman but I don't do sex for cash!"
"...That's not why I called you here. But thank you for the compliment," despite this, Carmilla wasn't smiling.
Well, Naruto felt stupid.
"Sorry! You'd have to have been there to-"
"I don't care," Carmilla stopped him from saying anything further, "What I do care about is the safety of my daughters. I nearly lost them were it not for you, and I'll forever be in your debt for that."
"Didn't do it to have you in my debt. It was the right thing to do," Carmilla blinked at the response. That kind of attitude was very rare in Hell.
"Nevertheless, I would like to hire your services as their bodyguard," Carmilla asked.
"Bodyguard?" not that he didn't have experience doing that but Naruto recalled that the last time he did so had been...well, before he became Hokage!...Oh, God just saying that made him feel old.
"I'm offering this much," Carmilla gave him a card.
A blank one. And Naruto immediately understood what it meant: name your price.
"Freelance, of course. Be aware, you won't be working alone. Not that I'm not confident in your capabilities, but I'm not taking any chances. My daughters are my life. They mean everything to me. To lose them is a thought I can't-"
"Hey, I get it. I was a parent, too," Naruto would go to Hell and back for his kids.
"Then we understand each other. However, I'd like your involvement with me to remain anonymous."
"Really? Why...Oh, I get it. You wanna see who you can and can't trust," and if people knew he was allied with Carmilla she'd be unable to find out. No one would be stupid enough to do anything in that scenario. But if he posed as a not-so-out-of-the-ordinary demon that was another matter.
"Bien, a man with a brain," Carmilla now had a true smile on her lips. She was worried the man before her was no more than a powerful meathead. She was more than glad to see it wasn't the case, "Yes, lately some concerns have arisen that require my attention. As an overlord, I'm less likely to be targeted. My daughters, however, are nowhere as strong and much more vulnerable by comparison. And while I wouldn't take such risks, given your abilities I'm confident there won't be any problems."
"Ah, the old 'have someone do my bidding due to a weakness-thing'," Naruto surmised. A classic and effective move. Underhanded, but effective nonetheless.
"Quite," Carmilla agreed.
"So, how's this gonna work, exactly? I have a place of my own and I'm helping Charlie with her hotel. I'm not gonna be expected to move, am I?"
"I'd like to have you as close as possible, but no, that won't be necessary. This won't be full-time anyway, just when certain occasions are required. And despite its secluded area, if my daughters are seen at that hotel too often it might raise questions."
"Dunno. They could try and befriend Charlie."
"Ha!" Carmilla laughed, "Unlikely. The princess and her goals are...how should I say it...a joke? I could care less about her goals but my business would take a hit along with my reputation if my clients believed I supported her."
"What if she's right? What if her goals prove correct?" Naruto fired back.
"They won't."
"Wanna bet?" Naruto grinned.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, a bet. I'm right and Charlie succeeds you gotta back her up from now on."
"And if you're wrong."
"I won't be," Naruto held a fire in his eyes.
"...You have conviction. But conviction isn't enough. Very well. A year! If the princess can prove a sinner can be redeemed and make it to Heaven within a year, I will back her up from then on. But if you lose, you belong to me."
"For a year?"
"Forever!" Carmilla countered. This was when a person's true colours shined. Strong as a person's convictions and ideals were, Carmilla lost track of how many backed out whenever such terms came into play. But the woman never met a man like Naruto before.
"Deal."
Carmilla blinked as Naruto outstretched his hand.
"You're that certain she'll succeed?"
"I know she'll succeed," was Naruto's steadfast reply.
Whether he was cocky, arrogant, or confident, Carmilla didn't care, it was a golden opportunity, "Very well. Terms?"
Naruto's tenure as Hokage came into play as both Carmilla and he agreed on the terms. Carmilla wouldn't be able to interfere or get anyone else to interfere, though it was much more detailed than that, for one. And instead of being forced to work for her for eternity, it would be for a mere hundred years instead, or until Carmilla died, so long as it wasn't by Naruto's hand in any way, shape or form, or by someone acting on his behalf. Again, much more detailed than that. It was something Carmilla stipulated. Despite her reputation and being a demon, and an overlord, Carmilla was an honourable woman. She also respected Naruto's conviction, though Naruto believed it also had to do with him saving her and her daughters.
"And done!" Naruto and Carmilla released each others' hands. The contract was now sealed and bound.
"So, is that it?" Naruto asked.
"Actually, there's one thing I'd like to ask. More of a favour."
"Shoot."
"What do you know of the Vees?"
Naruto frowned, "They're a powerful overlord group composed of a trio of uptight immoral assholes," while he hadn't met Vox or Velvette, Naruto had been given the rundown sometime ago.
Carmilla smiled, "That's sugar-coating it but no less accurate all the same. And makes this next part much easier."
As Carmilla gave him the run down, Naruto grinned a wicked grin, "Lady, you're a woman after my own heart."
Oh, this prank was gonna be good!
(One Hour Later)
"Welcome, Hell sovereign overlords. I've invited you all here because you represent the controlling powers of our city. Together, you own millions of souls. Souls at risk with the new Extermination schedule. We need to discuss what can be done to minimize the impact to our interests. Now then... Alastor? Is that you?" Carmilla had not seen the Radio Demon in years.
"Yes, I know I've been absent for some time. I'm sure you've all been wondering!" Alastor smiled.
"...Not really. But welcome back in any case," Carmilla really didn't care, and was more so surprised by his return. She, like many others, thought him dead was all.
"Well, that was uncalled for," Alastor's smile wasn't as jovial thanks to Carmilla's comment. Bitch!
"This year's Extermination was, for lack of a better word, pathetic on the exterminators' part. We have assessed that about less than two percent of the population was lost. The lowest loss in history ever since the Extermination began, and we have the Angelslayer to thank for it. That said-"
Carmilla was interrupted when Velvette opened the door and walked in, on the phone, "Yes, I've got it handled, Vox. Are you doubting me? Really? Me? That's what I thought. Haha! Yes, I know. They're all a joke. Thank you, V. See you soon. Kisses, darling.
Under normal circumstances, Carmilla would be less than pleased. But this wasn't one of those times, "Nice of you to join us, Velvette. Will your... colleagues be joining?"
"No, they have better shit to do than to listen to an old windbag who thinks she's tough shit. I'm here to represent," Carmilla didn't care for the wording but one didn't get to be an overlord as powerful as her for small slights such as these.
"Charming. So, as I was saying, we need to discuss...Hah... Yes, Velvette?" Carmilla acknowledged the small woman's raised arm.
"On the subject of discussion," here Velvette threw the severed head of an exterminator onto the table. The action caused the other overlords to look at it and mutter to each other.
"Oh! Tasty!" Alastor commented.
"I don't know. I heard some folks say they're a bit too fatty," Rosie informed her fellow cannibal overlord.
"Truly? What a shame."
"And why did you bring this? It's not news that the exterminators can be killed."
"Exactly! Ever since the flying stud," Carmilla cocked an eye at that comment, "shot their holier than thou arses from the sky, the game has changed. We now know these holy rollers can be killed. We can take the fight to them. The boys and I have come up with a full assault plan-"
Velvette stopped talking and she and the other overlords looked at Zestial, the overlord was sipping his tea loudly and aggressively to drown out Velvette. Much to her annoyance.
"If it be true thee and thy colleagues desire to war, thou art far more... foolish than I be thought," Zestial accused.
"Foolish? It's a dead fucking exorcist. There's a bunch more where that came from, old man! If the Angelslayer can do it then wat's stoppin' us from doing the same?"
"Then thou art far more foolish than initially assessed. If one's power is defeated, one doesn't hie back into the fray without having a resolve to win. The exterminators were defeated, their power broken, and their greatest warrior humiliated. Yet instead of recuperating their losses, they decide to bear this base e'en twice a year instead. This discourses of a resolve we wot not of. I like it not," Zestial told her.
"...Uh, what?" Zeezi didn't understand a word Zestial just said.
"He said that if the exterminators were smart they would cut their losses and use that time to recover. Instead, they are now holding this event twice a year. You believe this means they have a plan we're unaware of, Zestial?"
"Perhaps," Zestial didn't know for certain but the fact the event was now being held twice a year instead of being postponed gave him pause.
"Is that proof or conjecture? Cause otherwise all I'm hearing are a bunch of excuses coming from tired-out old sods that need to be put out to pasture," Velvette asked and insulted.
"Hmm," Zestial frowned at Velvette.
"Oh, wat's the matter fossils? Too scared to make a real power grab for-"
You better show some respect!
Check your behaviour!
No one speaks to Zestial that waaayaaayyy~
Did you expect us to sit back and take your, insolent brazen display?~
Ha-ha-ha!
You got it twisted?
I'm not the one who needs a new attitude!
Maybe you missed? But I'm the hashtag bitch!
And I will do nothing less than what I please! Woo!
I'm the backbone of the Vees!
Mad that I acted respe-
"Hey!"
Many blinked as Velvette was held in the air by a series of black gilded chains. Their origin was traced by the overlords to an open window that revealed Naruto's form. Many backed away upon seeing him.
"Okay, that's enough. I came here to see what all this was about, not hear people sing. Sit down and stop acting like a child," Naruto ordered.
"Or wat!"
"Or I'll treat you like one, little lady," Naruto warned.
"Fuck you!" hot shit or not, Velvette didn't take orders from anyone. She gave them!
The blond raised a single finger, "Last chance."
"Kiss my ass!" attractive or not, powerful or not, Velvette was done following someone else's orders.
"Right body part, wrong action," Naruto grinned and Velvette was now unnerved.
"Hey! Wait what are you doing!" the chains that held her in place put Velvette on Naruto's lap, and the blond proceeded to pull down the woman's pants.
"Woah!"
"Oh, my!"
"Is that a My Little Pony underwear?"
"He's not gonna fuck her in front of us...is he?"
"What art thou-"
Slap!
"Ow!"
The other overlords blinked and their minds tried to comprehend what they saw.
"Did he just-"
Slap!
"Stop spanking my ass!"
Slap!
"He did and is."
Slap!
"Knock it off, you prick!"
Slap! Slap!
"OW! Twice at once!" that hurt like Hell.
Alastor was loving every second of this.
"Oh, this is gold!" Velvette heard Ana say, but she was doing more than that.
"Wait! Are you-"
Slap!
"Ah! Recording this!"
"Yep!" Ana affirmed.
"Delete that-"
Slap!
"Ow-Now!"
"Say, harder daddy!" Ana ordered.
Velvette blinked at the audacity, "Why would I say-"
Slap!
"Harder Daddy!" Velvette unintentionally shouted the words she meant to repeat.
"And~" Ana had her finger in the air. Velvette didn't need to be a genius to know what her intent was.
"Don't you fucking-"
"Post!"
Bing!
Velvette was horrified by the implications of what this meant. All over Hell were countless sinners, hellborn, and royals about to watch her behind getting the royal treatment like she was a petulant child. Despite being partners, Vox and Valentino would be laughing their asses off, though Vox would also be pissed, too, for how this would affect their reputations.
"Meeting adjourned," Carmilla suddenly announced. It was a meeting none would ever forget.
And as each and every overlord left, Velvette being the first to hightail it out of the meeting, Alastor was approached by someone he hadn't seen in quite some time.
"Rosie! So nice to see you again," Alastor greeted his fellow overlord. One of the few who wasn't a sinner despite many thinking otherwise.
"Alastor! Where have you been? These halls really lost some of their sparkle without your lively presence."
"Oh, simply away on a much-needed sabbatical. Being an overlord isn't all glitz and glamour, you know. But tell me, my dear, how have you been?" Alastor changed the subject.
"Oh, Alastor, I met the most wonderful gentleman! Tall, handsome, a nice set of teeth, and a real demon in the sack!"
"Oh, Rosie, you harlot," Alastor joked.
"I know! I'm as giddy as the time I went to my first flesh buffet! I haven't felt like this in ages," Rosie gushed, her cheeks pink.
"How did you meet?"
"Oh, you know how it goes around Cannibal Town. People saw him, thought he looked tasty, tried taking a bite out of him, he bit back and they didn't get back up. Oh, it was a thing of beauty! And his flesh! Oh, just thinking how tasty it was," Rosie shuddered and drooled a bit, "Oh, dear, but where are my manners? Let me introduce you two. Where is-Ah! Kurama, sweetie!"
"Beg pardon?" Alastor believed he heard wrong.
"You heard her right," Alastor didn't bother turning around. He instantly recognized the voice and who it belonged to.
"Alastor, meet Kurama. Kurama, Alastor, an old friend of mine," Rosie introduced, her arm hanging around Kurama's much larger one and her head resting on it affectionately.
"We've met," Alastor honestly didn't know what to make of this.
"So, are the brat and Michelle still driving Charlie up the wall?" after the first day, Kurama had enough and left the hotel. He was glad he did, otherwise he wouldn't have run into Rosie. The woman was smart, beautiful, had a wicked set of very well-kept teeth, and could eat an entire arm in seconds with dignity and class.
He'd been love-struck the moment he laid eyes on her.
"Fortunately for our dear Charlotte's sanity they didn't last as long as before, and Lady Michelle has since returned homeward," Alastor informed him. A shame. Alastor would have loved to try that jambalaya recipe she claimed to know.
"Ooh, so the Angelslayer did last as long as you said. Not bad. This one lasted about twenty-one hours before my hips started killing me," Rosie bragged. Said hips were still sore.
"We'll work on that, sweetie," Kurama's fanged grin set Rosie's heart aflutter, "Oh, hey, brat!"
"Not a word from you!" Naruto declared upon seeing the demon fox, "I can't even look at you right..."
As Naruto stopped whatever he was going to say next, Alastor watched as the blond's head whipped back and forth between Rosie and Kurama half a dozen times before he suddenly turned pale, "Uhhh...yeah... I gotta go."
"Dearie me, what was that about?" Alastor wondered, unaware of Rosie's sweating face.
"Time to go!" Kurama suddenly grabbed Rosie and carried her bridal style.
"Bye, Alastor! We'll get together sometime, and talk business! Nice seeing you again!" both Rosie and Kurama made themselves scarce and bolted.
"Well, that was odd!"
While Alastor was left pondering upon Rosie and her new lover's sudden departure, Naruto bumped into Ana who looked like a million bucks and proceeded to drag him into a room.
"Hey, big boy," Ana flirted, "You have no idea how awesome that was! And, I hear you're gonna be my new bodyguard?" Ana was lit up like a Christmas tree.
Best. Day. Ever!
"Pretty much," Naruto nodded, he needed the money and it wasn't full-time. Speaking of which, he still needed to figure out the currency and what was considered a decent wage. Then triple it!
"So, you gotta listen to what I tell you, huh?" Ana bit her lip. She knew exactly what her first orders would be.
Naruto knew where this was going, "Within reason. Besides I'm protecting your sister's ass, too."
"Oh, I don't mind," Ana licked her lips, "So long as I get a taste first!"
Wow! He was not expecting that...Uh-oh.
"Ooh, someone's happy to see-"
"Ana, if you don't mind?" said a voice from the corner, a cigar was in their mouth and was being puffed on.
Naruto, having sensed the individual but no ill intent, wondered when they were going to introduce themselves. But he welcomed the distraction, "I'm guessing she's the other bodyguard your mom told me about?"
"You guessed it, soldier," said the woman. As she came out of the shadows, Naruto saw red skin, a chestal area that was glowing very hotly, and a suit comprised of black leather, red belts, and gold rings. She was taller than Charlie but shorter than Naruto, and had a broken horn on one side of her head, "Name's Karlach. Pleasure to be workin' with you."
Legend of the Kyuubi
Getting out there.
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Chapter 5: Unprofessional Professionals, and Professional Unprofessionals
(148 Days until Extermination Day)
Naruto woke to find Ana sleeping comfortably on his chest, her breasts were enticingly pressed against his body, his morning wood curving on her pert little ass. She was practically hotdogging it.
Exactly how it began he couldn't recall. Not that he was complaining. Naruto had since learned to roll with it. Learning how to deal with Hell's energy, however, was a lot like him learning Sage Mode: difficult and slow. Perhaps even more so given the energy of his dimension and this one, Hell's energy to be exact, was very foreign to him. Oh, he was much better than before, but there were still moments that it left him more than antsy, and lustful.
And this was the Pride Ring. Naruto could only imagine how bad it would be for him if he went to the Lust Ring, not that he had any need to go there. He didn't know if each of the Seven Rings of Hell had their own unique energy and would affect him differently or if they were all the same but apparently, visitors to the Lust Ring left many more than wanting according to Charlie.
He didn't know if it was due to energy given off by the Ring itself, or if it was due to the fact that most of the Lust Ring's inhabitants were demons that were affiliated with sex, lust, and desire and the spells and magic abilities they used. Or both.
From her body language and guilty look the blond didn't need to have Shikamaru's brains to deduce that the Princess of Hell was speaking from experience. Naruto didn't pry; Angel did that for him. Vaggie had the latter cut off from the bar for a week as punishment.
It hadn't been a pretty sight. But then, withdrawal never was.
"Mmmmhmmmm," Naruto's musings were interrupted by Ana's moan as she finally awoke, "Morning."
"Morni-Oh, God!" Naruto groaned as Ana pushed herself off his chest, only to sheath him inside her as she tried backing up off of him.
"Mmm..." Ana moaned and bit her bottom lip as she felt her lover reach places that made her spine tingle, "Sorry."
"No, you're not," Naruto called her out; Ana looked anything but sorry.
"Guilty," the young-looking woman rolled her hips and moaned even more as Naruto stretched her insides further and hit spots no one had ever reached as well as he did. Naruto retaliated by grabbing her breasts and tweaking her dark brown nipples. It only served to tighten the female sinner around the blond.
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
"Oi! Soldier! Get your arse up!" Naruto's partner in crime Karlach called from the other side of the door, "We've got work."
Fuck!
"Maybe if -ah!- we're real quiet she'll think we're gone and go away," Ana whispered.
Naruto tried to comply, however, trying to keep quiet was difficult when his partner was twerking her ass on and off him! And the twinkle of mischief in her eye told him it was being done purposely.
Damn saucy little Latina!
"Tell Ana to get her cute butt off your dick, too! Her mum wants to see her."
Double fuck!
"Dios, maldita sea! Fun's over," Ana stopped her movements; she could get away with many things with her mother but tardiness wasn't one of them. Carmilla Carmine greatly disliked tardiness. Her lover, however, wasn't having it though.
"The Hell it is!" Naruto knew from past experience that blue balls sucked! Damn interrupting kids! Ana started this, she could very well take responsibility for it.
"Eep!" Ana's arms and legs wrapped tightly around Naruto as he rose and slammed himself so deeply into her that it had Ana seeing stars. Not that she was complaining.
The dusky daughter of Carmilla had nothing against the Princess of Hell, but the eldest daughter of the weapons-dealing overlord had no desire to enter Paradise when she was experiencing such bliss. Case and point when she was forced to bite in the nape of Naruto's neck once he grabbed her ass and made himself completely comfortable inside her.
If this wasn't Paradise she didn't know what was.
"Oi! You two know I can hear everything!"
"Give us ten minutes to shower and we'll be right out," Naruto bit back a groan as the minx in his arms tightened around him with her delicious insides. Hey, he might have gotten better at controlling his urges without Kurama but sex with someone he cared for was still sex. And Ana was someone he had come to care for over the last few weeks.
"You've got five!"
"Fifteen!" Naruto hissed as Ana tightened ever further.
"That's not how that works!"
"Oh, Dios!" Ana moaned as she felt her lover twitch inside her and hit a very pleasant spot.
"...I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Fine! Ten minutes! But one minute more and I'm coming and-"
"Told you I'd get you to join us, Karlach!" Ana called out before she slammed her ass to meet Naruto's thrust.
"Just get your asses moving!"
"What do you think we're doing?" both sinners simultaneously shouted as they continued their perverse act.
"...Okay, my bad for walking into that one. Nine minutes!"
Both Naruto and Ana chuckled; they could feel Karlach's heat from this side of the door. And not just because of the infernal engine inside her chest.
"Quickie?" it wasn't what she wanted but she'd take what she could get. And she could take a lot thanks to her flexibility
Thank you ballet!
"Quickie," Ana's tongue entered Naruto's mouth as he entered the bathroom and then the shower as they resumed their fun.
For Karlach's sake, Naruto put up soundproofing seals before Ana's back met the wall of the shower as her four limbs clung to him like an anaconda, and her tight vice gripped him like a crab would a finger.
"Rough or tender?"
"Fuck me hard!"
"One order of rough coming up," Naruto's hips became a blur as Ana held on for dear life.
Nothing like starting your day by getting clean and dirty.
"You're late," Carmilla frowned lightly. It was only by a few minutes but late was still late.
"Sorry," both Naruto and Ana bowed their heads.
"No, you're not," Karlach parroted Naruto's earlier statement with a laugh.
"If your union with my daughter ends up with this becoming a habit-"
"You honestly think you can stop me?" Naruto wouldn't make it a habit but he also had to remind Carmilla that despite working for her, he could easily hand the overlord her ass on a platter if he so wished.
Carmilla narrowed her eyes. Ana had been in relationships with way worse, and Naruto honestly had the overlord's stamp of approval given he was easily the best boyfriend - and Ana had dated both men and women - she had. But Carmilla was still her mother.
"Don't do it again."
Naruto rolled his eyes. The woman before him was prideful. Gutsy, but prideful. But the blond sinner wasn't the least bit intimidated.
"Yes, mamá," her daughter was another matter. And for Ana's sake, he'd make certain they minimized undue tardiness.
"So, uh, what's this new job you've got for us?" Karlach diverted the conversation back on course.
"It's different from the usual tasks I've had you and your partner perform. This is more of a retrieval mission."
"Someone taken?" Naruto couldn't recall the last time he had done one of those, "Or something?"
"Something, yes. You recall the day we met?"
"Hard not to. It was the day I saved your butts."
Carmilla didn't so much as twitch at the comment, "Quite. On that day, my daughters and I were investigating rumours that someone, or in this case, multiple someones, was skimming off the top and reminders needed to be made. Well, thanks to you and Karlach, I've uncovered more traitors. Nothing serious in the beginning. It was just money I easily recovered, or I found ways to be re-compensated."
"Poor fuckers," Karlach laughed but stopped. Carmilla would have normally smiled but wasn't in this situation. Karlach immediately knew something was wrong. Something bad, "That bad?"
"Very. In the beginning, it wasn't bad. The money that's gone missing isn't the worst thing they have done, unfortunately. One of them was stupid enough to sell one of my Blessing-Tipped Rifles," Carmilla's daughters along with Karlach were rendered speechless by the overlord's statement, and more than a bit worried.
"Please tell me you're pulling my leg," Karlach prayed this was a joke.
"As much as I would like to inform you otherwise, no, I am not pulling your leg," Carmilla wouldn't joke about something like this.
"Satan fucking damn it!" Karlach cursed while Ana and Blanca cursed in Spanish.
"I'm guessing this thing's not your normal everyday weapon," Naruto chimed in, "How bad is it?"
"Incredibly bad. Angelic weapons for the most part are rare but not unheard of being owned, though it's usually overlords who have 'em. You're already aware they can be used to permanently off sinners and demon royalty, but demons on the higher end of the hierarchy such as the Ars Goetia, the Seven Sins, and The Royal Family, even with an angelic weapon used against them, they're a cut above and much more tolerant, though they aren't wholly immune to the effects of angelic steel."
"This gun's a cut above ordinary angelic weapons then?" Naruto hoped he was wrong but knew he wasn't.
"Above and incredibly expensive. These weapons are very limited and very powerful and it took me ages of trial and error to figure out how to make them, and making them and their ammunition isn't easy, they require rare materials beyond that of angelic steel. Because of how dangerous they are, I don't sell them to just anyone either. Ars Goetia, Sins, and the Royal Family are very tolerant to angelic weapons and divine spells. The more powerful have developed ways to make themselves even more tolerant with few ways to overcome this protection. From what I've discovered, whoever acquired these tools did their homework."
"Tools? I thought it was just the gun?"
"If only. A blessed rope and a knife were also taken. Less dangerous but still enough to immobilize and weaken a Goetia to the point of helplessness," Carmilla was less than pleased.
"Yer not saying someone's going after a Goetia, are you?" Karlach looked bewildered.
"What's got you thinking it's one of them?" Naruto asked.
"Easy, soldier. Going after a Goetia is suicide and just plain stupid. They're powerful demons. But going after anyone above them in rank or simply fucking with them is beyond suicide and a fate worse than death by comparison" Karlach elaborated.
"Under normal circumstances, yes, it would be," Carmilla agreed with Karlach's assessment, "An attack on any member of the Ars Goetia isn't to be done lightly, especially the royal line of Paimon, King of the Ars Goetia," whom himself was a direct descent of the Sin of Lust, Asmodeus.
But there were exceptions.
"Based on my ... findings," Karlach shivered a bit from her employer's cold but satisfied look; Naruto, used to such things when dealing with Konoha's T&I Division, didn't even blink. Regardless, the two could only imagine what the poor unfortunate soul went through, "Karlach is correct, an Ars Goetia is the most likely target. More specifically, the unfortunate target is very likely to be Prince Stolas himself."
"Prince Stolas? Well, that makes sense," Ana simply said.
"I'm guessing he's not well-liked?" Naruto, unfamiliar with Ars Goetia, guessed. Oh, he knew they ranked third - fourth if one wanted to be picky - in terms of the hierarchy in Hell but that was it.
"Actually, Prince Stolas is very well-liked, and he's a son of King Paimon, the current leader of the Ars Goetia. But Paimon has numerous children and cares little really if one or two die unless it's at the hands of those his family deems as lesser," Blanca explained.
Great. Naruto was dealing with those kinds of individuals: ones where killing another who was your equal or lesser was seen as okay, but being killed by someone who wasn't your equal was a different matter.
"Okay, lots of brothers and sisters aside, what did this guy do to be a target if people like him?"
"He fucked an imp," Karlach answered with a snark.
"...That's it?" that was a dumb reason to be targeted.
"Doing something like that in secret is one thing, though still looked down on by those stick up their arses nobility, soldier. Not keepin' it a secret and humiliating yer wife in front of the other Goetia for all to see? Big fucking no, and that's putting it lightly," Karlach didn't know all the details but she heard the story many times to know enough.
"Damn. I feel bad for his wife," no one should be humiliated like that.
"Don't be. His wife's a bitch among bitches, apparently," Ana added what she knew, "Prince Stolas' wife had a Not Yet Divorced Party and bad-mouthed him throughout the whole thing. Their marriage isn't what you would call healthy."
"Ah," Naruto didn't feel as bad anymore, "Wait, how do you know all…It was publicized, wasn't it?"
The dirty laundry of nobles, based on his time as Hokage, wasn't something that was generally known to the public unless it somehow came out through certain means, or if that dirty laundry was aired out for all to see.
"Pretty much all of Pride knows it. Most outside the Goetia don't care - some of the blue blood don't care either - but since it made the news it only served to anger his wife even further. The nobility of Hell are kind to one another one second but will then stab their fellow blue bloods in the back the next if it means improving their standing. Blanca, you have the clip, right?" Carmilla asked her daughter.
"Just a sec...here it is," Blanca showed Naruto the clip on her phone.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, STOLAS?!" demanded an angry white avian demon covered in destroyed pastry.
"That! Was the sound...OF A FUCKING DIVORCE! HehahahaHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled a very tall dark gray owl-like demon with four red eyes.
"YOU GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING DISGRACE OF A-"
"And that's where it cuts off. The original clip shows it being covered in frost before the screen shattered," Blanca informed her sister's lover.
"Ever since that incident many among the Goetia feel Prince Stolas to be a disgrace of their blood and should be done away with. A task easier said that done, really since Prince Stolas is a powerful demon and still has friends among the nobility. The other problem is him being a son of their king as despite Paimon's lack of care for his children, Paimon's wrath and power has been said to be comparable to one of the Sins. Any potential action was more talk behind closed doors than anything."
"Not anymore from the looks of it. Any word on who would want him gone? Other than his wife, I mean," Naruto had learned that while Karlach might not be the smartest of individuals and preferred to settle things with her fists but she wasn't lacking in common sense.
"His wife's brother, perhaps? Though from what I've heard from Zestial, Andrealphus is much more cunning and less reckless than his hot-heated sister. Some other members of the Ars Goetia who sympathize with his wife, perhaps? Who knows. But I couldn't care if he dies or not. What I do care about is the backlash this may cause if my rifle ends up as the murder weapon."
Naruto frowned as he quickly put things together. While some of the nobles might not care so much about Stolas dying, the fact that a weapon was made that was capable of killing one of them was. Uncovering who the killer was would be important, just as learning and punishing the one who fabricated the weapon that ended his life, too. Unless it was used by another Goetia, of course.
Even if Carmilla never pulled the trigger, the fact she made such a weapon that resulted in a noble's death, especially a weapon made by those they deemed their lesser, was a matter of archaic pride and pure pettiness. To Ars Goetia, it would be about sending a message than any true sense of loyalty.
"Got any leads?"
"Regrettably, none. Hell has numerous hitmen and assassins both known and unknown. They could be anyone. But, if I were to guess when and where it would be the Harvest Moon Festival that will take place in one week's time."
"One week's time? Isn't Spring Break about to start?" Ana asked as that didn't make sense.
"On Earth, yes, but the Harvest Moon Festival in the Wrath Ring takes place much sooner than on Earth," Carmilla informed her eldest.
"Shit," Karlach cursed.
"What's wrong?"
"Well, for one we're short on time. Second, I know a bit about the Harvest Moon Festival. Prince Stolas goes to the Wrath Ring every year due to his obligations in Hell," Karlach explained, "Biggest problem is since you're all sinners, I'm the only one-"
"I can access the other Rings," Naruto interrupted.
...
...
...
"Pardon?" Karlach believed she heard wrong.
"Debo haber escuchado mal...Repitelo?" Carmila finally spoke.
"Translation?"
"She asked if you could repeat what you just said," Blanca translated.
"I can access the other Rings?"
"How?"
"I'm awesome," Naruto boasted, and got deadpanned looks from everyone, even Ana, "I mean, sure it took some time-"
"You can access the other Rings and you never told me!?" Ana accused.
"We were busy having sex so it never came up."
"That's...Okay, good point. But after this, you are taking me to another-"
"No, he isn't," Carmella interjected, and looked her eldest straight in the eye, "I don't care how you accomplished this but you are not taking my daughter to any other Ring. We have enough enemies in the Pride Ring. What do you think will happen if others learn of her being capable of moving back and forth between them when it should be possible? No! I forbid it!"
"But mom-"
"This isn't up for debate, Ana. So drop it," Carmilla ordered her daughter.
"Ana, your mom's right. You already have a target on you for being Carmilla's daughter. If anyone learns of this, you'll have an even bigger target on that pretty ass of yours."
"Oh, Dios," Blanca palmed her face.
"Not if I can disguise myself. Not if people knew it was you protecting me-"
"Which would undo everything I am trying to accomplish," Carmilla cut off her dark skinned daughter, "and even then you would still be in harm's way. Having agents of mine who are hellborn going to another Ring is one thing, but a sinner all of a sudden being capable of traversing the other Rings? No, I won't risk you."
"Not like it's any more dangerous now given Heaven's plan to go after all demons and not just those in Pride with their new schedule," Ana groused, not liking this one bit, "Besides, even if something does happen to me, I'm a sinner, remember? I'll just put myself back together."
"We don't know if that will apply with you being in one of the other Rings, Ana. No! My word is final. You and your sister are staying here. End of discussion," Carmilla said with a note of finality.
"But-"
"I said end of discussion!" Carmilla stared down at her daughter, who stared right back before she stormed out in a huff.
The joys of parenthood.
Naruto wanted to say something but experience had told him never to undermine the authority of a parent towards their child. Sure, Ana was well over a century old and a grown adult, but Naruto didn't want to sour his relationship with Carmilla by not adhering to her wishes.
Even if he didn't wholeheartedly agree with them.
"Apologies. I should not have lost my composure like that. It was unbecoming of me," Carmilla apologized to him and Karlach.
"Eeh. No skin off my nose," Karlach shrugged.
"I might not agree, but it's not my place to interfere. And having been a parent myself, I've been there," even after his kids had become adults, and grandparents, Naruto and Hinata still had a tenancy, like all parents, of treating their offspring as though they were still young and helpless children.
"That girl...Hah, she takes after me in my younger days...too much, really," Carmilla sighed. And given some of the exploits she had done in her youth, Carmilla very much knew the consequences that could come of it, "But back to the matter at hand, you are to find a way to protect Prince Stolas without arousing suspicion."
"Ha! Easier said than done. Ars Goetia come to us if they think we're worthy of their attention, not the other way 'round," Karlach laughed. Sure, an overlord with enough souls to their name could rival an Ars Goetia but even then most of them would still have a natural advantage and even then they'd still be haughty. Most Goetia would hold a sinner's existence against them.
"Quite true. Which is why you'll be associating yourself with those the prince has a ... close and professional relationship with."
"Close and professional?"
"It would appear the imp Prince Stolas ruined his marriage with runs a... business if we can call it that, whose services he has engaged more than once. And, as luck would have it, they are hiring."
"Business? What kind of business?"
"They call themselves I.M.P. Your duties protecting my daughters will be on hold for the time being should they employ you."
"Oh, boy. Ana's not gonna like this. Tough break, soldier," Karlach commented with a laugh.
"You kidding? Sex with Ana is better when she's riled up," Naruto grinned and ignored the looks from two of the three women.
"Gross," Blanca gagged at the mental image.
"Dismissed," Carmilla didn't want to hear any more details.
Carmilla already knew too much after accidentally walking in on them.
(Meanwhile in Heaven)
"This is soooooo boring!"
"Too fucking bad! Keep working!"
"I hate you!"
"Don't care!"
Sera could only sigh as she and Emily listened as the two archangels exchanged less-than-pleasant banter with one another on the floor above them. It was no secret that the sisters, despite their love for one another, were at each other's throats. One would think that after a month since Michelle's return, they'd have stopped this stupid quarrel.
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
"NO ESCAPING!"
"YOU'RE THE WORSE COCKBLOCK EVER!"
"FOR THE LOVE OF DAD, SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!"
"KISS MY PERFECTLY TONED ASS!"
Nope! They were still going strong.
"Should we get involved?" Emily, bless her pure heart, asked her senior seraphim.
Sera couldn't stop the unrefined snort that escaped from her, "The Morningstar has a better chance of being let back into Heaven than me getting involved."
"But-"
"Trust me, Emily. You do not want to get involved," Sera's tone, Emily noted, held a slight quiver.
While it happened many millennia ago, back when Sera had been young and idealistic like Emily, the older seraphim still remembered as though it were yesterday the last, and only, time she made the mistake of getting involved in a dispute that involved the two archangel siblings. It was a mistake she vowed to never repeat.
Ever.
Despite being in Heaven, she still had the odd nightmare of the incident. Usually when Adam's exploits caused her headaches and stressed her out. For despite Adam's claims of Heaven being paradise and never having any bad days, it was quite untrue. As Heaven's Favorite, many had to clean up the First Man's messes. Messes he was either ignorant of or just didn't care. Likely both.
In the nearly 10,000 years Adam had been in Heaven, the number of bad days he had compared to everyone else could be counted on one hand. That is until a month ago when the Angelslayer appeared and messed up Extermination Day, forcing Adam to come up with a solution on how to deal with the exceptionally powerful and unique demon and Hell's overpopulation problem. The First Man had been stressed out on how to come up with a solution, and the leviathans were not being cooperative.
It was highly unbecoming of her, but Sera drew some measure of satisfaction in seeing her subordinate struggle and become stressed at his lack of progress. As she heard many say, Karma was a bitch. And Sera was loving it! She didn't believe she was even thinking it, but she was glad for the Angelslayer's unexpected appearance, even
Despite that, Adam's lack of progress with the leviathans was still worrying. Little progress had been made and Hell's overpopulation remained a problem.
"My sisters still driving you up the wall?" a voice laughed.
"Oh, Lord, give me strength," Sera prayed.
"Lord Gabriel," Emilly bowed to the much brown/dirty-blond-haired and shorter but much more powerful angelic being.
Gabriel was slightly taller than his older brother Lucifer by barely half an inch if one were kind, though unlike Lucifer, Gabriel didn't care much about his height as it made him stand out less and made pulling pranks easier.
"What did I say about you calling me that, Em? Call me Gabriel, or Gab. Hate the formal shit," Gabriel, the youngest of God's children and the youngest of the archangels, as well as the most elusive of them all, and Heaven's resident prankster told the younger seraphim.
"Okay!" Emilly chirped.
"Good. Don't make me prank yer ass."
"Lord Ga-"
"Whipped cream, molasses, syrup-"
"Please stop, Lo-Gabriel," Sera was flushed with embarrassment as she recalled the last time she had fallen for one of his pranks. That had been embarrassing for all concerned, mostly Sera.
"What are you talking about?"
"We'll tell when you're older, cutie," Gab ruffled Emilly's hair.
"Older? I'm almost two centuries old!"
"Where am I losing you on this? Anyway, kiddo, I need to talk about something important with Sera so if you could skedaddle that'd be great. Go sing or dance or something," Emily pouted cutely at her child-like treatment but did as she was asked. Once they were alone, Gabriel looked at the older seraphim.
"So...how's everything going?" Gabriel asked cheekily but Sera was interrupted by a loud rumbling from above followed by the sound of wall and glass breaking.
"FREEDOM!" Sera and Gabriel looked out the window to see a golden streak racing away from the building.
It was soon followed by another golden streak, "GET BACK HERE!"
"SCREW YOU, TOY-BLOWER!"
"DEMON FUCKER!"
Thud!
"...Wanna get a drink?" Gabriel decided to be sympathetic, and because he wanted that image out of his head.
"It's not even 10 AM, Lord Gabriel," Sera said, her head still on her desk.
Gabriel let that one slide, "Not in France."
"I'll get my purse," Sera could do with a break from everything she had to endure these last few weeks.
Sera wasn't normally one to question the Lord's wisdom, but why he deemed her the best to deal with them she couldn't understand. From dealing with the bickering archangel siblings to the issues and lack of progress with Adam, as well as Adam being, well, Adam, she more than deserved a bit of respite.
Elsewhere, said First Man was entering a dark and quite frankly, scary as fuck castle that looked like it belonged in a horror movie. Beside him, Lute looked calm and composed, but she was anything but. This was the Red Castle, also known as the House of War, the second strongest Horseman and one of the few who could beat Archangel Michelle.
"Fu-fu-fuck, would it kill her to tu-tu-turn on the heat?" Adam shivered at the cold temperatures. Lute agreed. Her nipples were hard enough to cut a diamond.
"Uh, hello? We're here!" Adam heard his voice echo, it only served to fuel the sense of dread. He was lucky that he was even getting this meeting.
"Hehehehehehe!" was his reply.
"...Lutey, if we live through this, there's no fucking way I'm taking your advice any time soon," that laugh nearly scared the piss out of him.
"Noted sir," Lute tried to sound brave but her response was more of a squeak.
"Fresh meat!" someone behind them declared.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" okay, the piss was out of him now.
"Hehehehehehehe!"
"H-h-h-hiya," there were few things that scared Adam. First and foremost was God when he had been pissed after eating one of his apples. Adam hadn't eaten apples since. Second was Michelle when in a bad mood and the hellish training she put him through. Third was the Angelslayer, not that he would admit it out loud when he gave his speech at the embassy.
War's unhinged behaviour was now the fourth.
"La-lady War," Lutey bowed fearfully, the pale-skinned and red-wearing woman before her was amongst the most powerful beings in existence, and one of the few beings Lutey, a normally fearless angel, was afraid of, "We thank you-
"I itch to peel you, to split your skin, to see your skull shine in the light, little angels. Luckily for you, I've harvested a whole family of living flesh. They will sate my blade's thirst...for the moment. But tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, my blades will thirst again, again, again, and again!" was her mad cackle.
If Adam had a mother, he'd be running into her fucking womb right now.
"Now then...tell me why should I let you leave here alive?" she grinned, licking her bloody knife as she looked at them like a predator would prey, "It's been quite some time since I've feasted on angel blood."
"Y-y-yeah, so...Oh, fuck, me," Adam stumbled.
"Sir, focus," Lute pleaded with her superior; she didn't fancy dying today.
"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock," War's smile and the wave of her bloody blade didn't help Adam.
Adam gulped as he tried to compose himself but made a resolute declaration: he really had no intention of taking Lute's advice any time soon if they lived through this.
"Times up!" War pounced on them with a mad cackle escaping her lips.
"Eeeekkk!"
Imp City had seen better days. Naruto learned that it was easily the poorest city in the Pride Ring. Blood was on the streets, buildings looked condemned or damn near it, while others were in good need of repair. Homeless people were spotted at almost every corner, graffiti were pretty much used as landmarks, and the poorly written billboards didn't leave much to the imagination. To be honest, this was actually how Naruto envisioned Hell. Not by much though.
"So...these guys go topside and kill people?" Naruto, disguised in his alternate female persona, asked Karlach after reading the information gathered on I.M.P. Having no experience driving, not that there was ever a need back in his world, Naruto left the driving to Karlach.
"That's the gist of it. Heard they had a jingle and commercial too. Never saw it myself but from what I know it didn't last very long," who the Hell put a jingle on a station virtually no one watched and for three hours straight?
"Gotta admit, I'm torn," sure, Naruto had gone on assassination missions before becoming Hokage but the the services I.M.P. didn't leave a good taste in his mouth. Sure, some might deserve it, but not everything was black and white. But given they were in Hell, Naruto surmised they didn't give a shit either. Money was money. People had to make a living somehow.
"Don't like it either but it's our best lead. Like I said, the Ars Goetia come to you and not the other way 'round. Stuck up pricks," Karlach muttered.
"Bad experience?"
"Let's just say I've broken a few beaks and wings," the red-skinned woman grinned. Given Karlach was an eager and willing participant of bar brawls Naruto could definitely see it.
"Bad blood. Got it."
"Here we are!"
"Whoa!" Naruto exclaimed and held on for dear life as Karlach unexpectedly turned into a parking lot.
Screech!
"My bad!" Karlach laughed.
Naruto instantly disliked Karlach's driving and driving in general after today. He'd stick to good old-fashioned rooftops and running faster than the wind.
"Parking's for fucking tenants!" came a demon from a nearby intercom, "Get the Hell off my property!"
"We're here on fucking business from Carmilla Carmine," Karlach said into the intercom, "Know where we can-"
Boom!
Both Naruto and Karlach watched as a parked vehicle was suddenly destroyed and a space suddenly became available.
"Please enjoy your visit."
"Well, that's boring. I was hoping to smash something," Karlach whined like a child.
"Maybe later," Naruto reassured her.
Once parked, the two entered the building and proceeded to make their way up to the floor where they spotted the office of I.M.P.
"Hold up, soldier," Naruto looked back at the woman and saw her staring at the office opposite to them, "You go on ahead. I've some catching up to do."
"Do I need to call a cleaning crew?"
"Haha. Nothing like that. Just an old friend. I'll catch up in a sec," Karlach told her partner before opening the door, "Wat up, bitch!"
"Karlach!" a voice squealed.
Phew! Naruto was glad a fixer wasn't required and entered I.M.P.'s office, bending down to make it through the doorway, only to see an empty room when he righted himself. Based look of things the room appeared to have had been damaged more than once and in different ways.
"Hello?" Naruto called out to no response, "Anyone here?"
Again, no response.
Walking around the room, Naruto spotted a door with a crudely scribbled note that indicated a meeting was in progress,
"You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time… WITHOUT HUMAN DISGUISES?!" a voice exclaimed from behind the door.
…Naruto was starting to wonder if this was a good idea. Sure, he knew some demons went to Earth due to work but any demon that didn't use a disguise was pretty much asking for trouble from both Heaven and the Earthly authorities.
Or just plain stupid.
"There's gotta be a better way," Naruto knew amount shit missions to know this one might end up being a doozy.
"All right, good meeting people. Moxxie come with…did we bring another human into Hell again?" asked a rather large imp coming out of the conference room.
"Not a human," Naruto was intrigued by the latter comment though. He was fairly certain Death said non-deceased humans would go crazy or die the moment they were brought to Hell.
"Oh, thank Satan. Who the fuck are you and what do you want then?" the imp demanded.
"Good job. That'll get us some work," said a female hellhound in goth clothing.
"Shut the fuck up, Moxxie!"
"I didn't say anything! That was Loona!" said a smaller, white-haired imp.
"Are you accusing my precious wittle Loona?!"
"Calm down, Blitzø. Wot's got your panties inna bundle?" asked a heavily accented imp woman.
"Well, I got up late this morning and put them on the wrong wa-THAT'S NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS!"
"How do you put underwear on the wrong way?" Moxxie asked.
"Lick my ass you twink, that's how!"
"Again, it's 'kiss my ass', Blitzø."
"Mine's still better."
Naruto hated being right at times. It was clear to any sane person that this experience was gonna be the mother of all headaches.
"Sorry, toots, we're not taking…Wait, the fuck am I saying. Welcome to I.M.P.! I'm Blitzø the O is silent!"
"What O?"
"Exactly, sugar tits," Naruto's eye twitched, "So, what can I do ya? Just so you know, we're running a half-off Spring Break special."
"No! No, no, no! Not looking to get anyone killed," Naruto quickly explained.
"Beat it then. It's our busiest time of the year and we got no room for cheapskates or, Satan forbid it, Yatzer's Witnesses," Blitzø along with the other three member of shuddered. If Jehovah's Witnesses were bad, the satanic equivalent was worse.
"…I don't know what that last bit's about. I'm here because you guys are hiring?"
"…Come again?"
"You are hiring, right?" Naruto handed him a poster that, sure enough, explained that I.M.P. was hiring.
"Those posters are still up?" Loona inquired, finally looking up from her phone.
"Uh, yeah?"
"...Whoa. Tall one," Loona noted and easily taller than Vortex the hellhound noted, and he was well above seven feet.
"How long ago were they posted?"
"Not important! You're hired, lady!"
"Seriously?" that was both easy and a little concerning.
"Hiya! I'm Millie. This lil' cutie here's ma husband, Moxxie. That there's our boss, Blitzø, and this 'ere's his daughter, Loona," introduced the female imp.
"Adopted," Loona felt the need to emphasize.
"Hold on, sir! Not to point out the obvious-
"That you're a tiny, baby-wiener haver? Yeah, we know that already," Blitzø snickered.
Judging by the smaller imp's facial expression Naruto concluded this was a regular occurrence, "How do we know she's even qualified for the job? For all we know, she could be like Loona."
"Fuck you, Fatty," Loona saluted the imp with a single digit.
"I AM NOT FAT!"
"You could stand to put a salad in your meals," Blitzø added.
"But I'm not fat!"
"Dead."
"Pardon?" Millie asked.
"You're all dead," Naruto twirled a red marker, "Eight points: Larynx, spine, lungs, liver, jugular, subclavian artery, kidneys, heart."
"The fuck?!" Blitzø looked and saw various red marks on his suit and quickly spotted them on Millie, Moxxie and Loona.
"Satisfied?"
"Very! Welcome aboard…what's your name?"
"Kushina. Name's Kushina," Naruto decided to use his mother's name.
"Kushina? Pretty sure I smoked something like that not that long ago. Ha! You're named after pot!"
Naruto was already annoyed by the imp that was now his new but, thankfully, temporary employer, "I'm gonna need to stock up on aspirin, aren't I?"
"Here's a place where you can get it in bulk," Moxxie passed the disguised demon a card.
"Thanks. Before I forget, I have a friend-"
"Stop right there. We don't do employee discounts for friends and families," Blitzø quickly interjected, "Also, you're paying for our dry cleaning."
"Noted. But she's looking for a job, too."
"Oh, fuck yeah! Two new employees! That'll teach that overused snatch of a-Wait, she hot?"
"And then some," Naruto laughed, "She should be here in a couple of-"
The door to I.M.P.'s office opened before Naruto could continue, "Sorry, 'bout that. Things were starting to get-"
"Karlach?!" Blitzø exclaimed.
Wait what?
"YOU!" Karlach roared while Blitzo screamed as the taller demon suddenly summoned a huge axe that threatened to split him in two.
"Great, another ex?" Loona asked her adopted father and employer.
"YOU FUCKING SHITSTAIN! GET OVER HERE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" it was only fair that he'd pay with his own.
"Sounds like it," Moxxie knew it was wrong but he was very much enjoying the drama unfolding.
"Kush! Save me!"
Naruto's left eye began to twitch at the nickname but did as he was asked.
So much for good impressions.
(Sometime Later)
"Good work. Make sure you don't give yourselves away. And Karlach... do your best not to kill your new employer," Carmilla told her before the call was disconnected.
The silence that followed in the car as Karlch drove him to a spot that was close to the hotel was uncomfortable. Despite her attempt to kill, almost successfully, the founder of I.M.P., Karlach had been hired on as well. Though at a severely reduced pay that almost resulted in him being cut in half by the taller female demon.
Blitzø instead earned himself a black eye for his trouble.
Why Karlach had gotten hired after that stunt had Naruto questioning the imp's sanity. Was it guilt? Was Blitzø a masochist? Was he just plain nuts? A combination of different reasons? Naruto was curious to know but respected Karlach's privacy. Luckily for them, their job with I.M.P. wouldn't commence until tomorrow. In the meantime, Vaggie needed some fine-tuning in her fighting style. And stamina.
Both she and Charlie would thank him later.
That said, "Soooo...Wan-"
"Nope," Karlach quickly and flatly answered.
"Got it," Naruto decided not to push. Angry Karlach was scary Karlach, and while he could handle her Naruto didn't want to put a strain on their relationship.
"Of all the fucking people," he heard Karlach mutter.
"For someone who doesn't want to talk about it, you're talking about it," Naruto pointed out.
"Hah, it's…it's a long story."
"Ex?"
"Hah! He wishes."
"Friends with benefits?"
"He probably wishes that too."
"...Was he bad in bed?"
"Why does it keep going back to sex?"
"The impression I got from him."
Karlach wanted to dispute it but even though she hadn't seen the founder of I.M.P. in a very long time she recalled that even back then he had a bit of an appetite, "I'll give you that one, but no. We never fucked."
"Pretty sure you'd be the one doing the fucking," Naruto laughed.
"Pretty sure he'd like it," Karlach shot back, "Let's just say that we knew one another a long time ago before disaster struck. A lot of people cut ties with him. A lot of us imps did."
"You're an imp?" that was unexpected.
Karlach laughed, "Heh, yeah that's the usual reaction I get. Most of us are small, diminutive with the tallest of imps usually being no bigger than an average human woman. My family's the exception, we're giants compared to them. Any imp as tall as me is usually treated with a bit of fear and envy among our kind cuz they think we're Satan's direct descendants."
"Are you?" Naruto recalled that Satan, the Sin many in the human world confused for Lucifer as the King of Hell, and the second strongest of the Sins, was seen as a deity to imps. Apparently he was said to be an imp of great stature in many senses of the word.
Karlach shrugged, "Never bothered to ask mum. Never cared really. Not that I could ask her now anyway."
"My condolences," it was easy for the blond to understand the implications.
"Thanks. Anyway, can we just drop it? Still can't believe we gotta work for that little shit, and against an old friend. And for a stupid parking space!" who the hell fought that hard for a parking space?
"She said she was his ex, too?" exactly how such a guy like Blitzø ended up with someone like Verosika given his ...charming personality left Naruto more than a bit curious.
"No idea how the little fucker managed that, but yeah," Verosika hadn't gone into detail on how that came about, not that Karlach was in all that interested in knowing either when she learned of it, "Better watch yourself."
"Why?"
"She's a succubus. Demons that are the literal embodiment of lust. Most sinners and hellborn are resistant to their allures but given your uniqueness-"
"Ah, crap," Naruto cursed his luck.
"Could be worse, soldier. She's a sweet lay," Karlach revealed.
"You two dated?" Naruto was starting to wonder if everyone in Hell was bisexual, or if that was the majority.
"Me and her? Nah. More fuck buddies and friends with benefits. Acted as a bodyguard more than once for a few of her gigs. Did it to relieve stress. Left that old life on good terms when Carmilla helped me out and hired me. Fortunately, she's got Tex. Good bloke. Laid back but he knows how to take a job seriously and he's a decent drinker," Karlach recalled the good times she had with the hellhound.
"You had sex to relieve stress?" Naruto wasn't judging, though he knew of healthier ways of doing it.
Though none quite as fun... or pleasurable if he was honest.
"Well, that and smoking. Or both. But V doesn't care for the smell of it. Bit of warning-"
"I saw," Naruto groaned, recalling the not-so-subtle looks Verosika's group and Verosika sent his way whilst he was disguised.
"Got no one to blame but yourself, soldier. Succubi and incubi sleep with almost anyone but they have an inherent desire to be with someone unique, much like hellhounds generally have an inherent desire to seek out their mates with someone powerful. It's almost like a sixth sense," Karlach told him.
Stupid awesome uniqueness that was himself!
"You good here?" Karlach stopped the vehicle.
"Close enough, thanks."
"See ya tomorrow!" Karlach waved as she drove off.
XxXxX
"Ughhhhhh."
"You okay, toots?" Angel Dust asked Vaggie.
"Ughhhhhh."
"Imma guessing dat's a no," the pornstar laughed.
"If I had any strength in my legs and wings I'd run you through," Vaggie threatened. It had been a day since her last training session and her body was still sore and weak.
"But ya don't," Angel Dust snarked.
"Angel, leave Vaggie alone. Told you, you needed the rest," Charlie reminded her girlfriend.
"Not in the mood, babe. That blond idiot's a real slave master," Vaggie was sorely regretting her decision to allow Naruto to train her.
Torture was a more appropriate word.
"Who's the bigger idiot? The idiot doing the training or the idiot who agreed to it?" Husk smirked.
"Cállate, pendejo!" Vaggie cursed twice over as her sudden rose caused her legs to spasm, "You did that on purpose."
"Me? Why would I do that," despite his outward appearance showing otherwise, Husk's face was positively Cheshire.
"Well executed, Husker. Good show!" Alastor complimented.
Vaggie cursed some more at the Radio Demon's arrival.
"Are you dead?" Niffty prodded.
"Is that a real question?" Vaggie couldn't tell with Niffty at times.
"I got a real question," spoke Ana, "Are you guys for fucking real?"
"Why isssss ssssshe here?" Pentious asked as he came down the stairs.
"Ya mean she's not here for yous?" Angel asked the serpent inventor.
"Much assss I love inventing, I alsssso love living. Though calling it that issss quite the stretch at times," Pentious added with a somber look.
"Then, why are ya here for?" Angel asked the overlord's daughter.
"Issssn't it obvious? She's waiting for ssssomeone tall, blond, whiskered-
"And well hung and not afraid to go downtown," Ana added with a smile.
"God damn it, people! It's way too early for this shit!" Husk went back to cleaning bottles. One sexual deviant living here was bad enough.
"It's almost noon?"
"Still way too fucking early," Husk parried back.
"Go on," Angel prodded the daughter of an overlord.
"Please don't," Charlie pleaded, but then quickly realized something, "Wait, you and Naruto are together?"
"Took you that long to piece it together? Why wouldn't I? He's caring, warm, funny and protective-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, back to da good stuff, toots," Angel told Ana.
"Oh, shit."
"Vaggie? You okay?" Charlie heard the curse come from the angel.
"I'm fine...well, fine-ish. But she won't be," Vaggie nodded towards Ana.
"Why?"
"Two words: your aunt."
"...Oooooohhhhh, shiiiiiitttt," Charlie grimaced as she pieced things together. Her aunt Michelle wasn't gonna like this, "Well, she's been in Heaven for about a month so-"
Wham!
"Aaaaahhhh!" Charlie, Ana, and Vaggie shouted as their imaginations ran wild.
"Okay, where is he?!" but the voice didn't belong to Heaven's Greatest Warrior.
"Dad?!" Charlie gawked at her father's sudden arrival, "What are you doing here?"
"Looking for the blond asshole that fucked my sister!"
"Ew! Dad! Think the words before you-"
"I know. I know. I heard it when I said it," Lucifer admitted, "Now where is he?! The amount of shit I'm getting from Heaven is driving me nuts! I haven't slept in days!"
"Hold up there, short-stuff," Angel interjected.
"Bad move," Vaggie knew how bringing up the King of Hell's height was a sensitive subject.
"Yer tellin' me dis guy's the Big Dick himself? Seriously?"
"He is shorter in real life than I expected," Alastor agreed.
"I may be small, but big where it counts. Just ask my wife," Lucifer grinned.
"What did I just say!" Charlie barked at her father.
"Oh, grow up sweetie. How'd you think you and Aurora were conceived?"
"Aurora?"
"...Oh, right. You don't know about your half-sister I conceived with Eve," Lucifer revealed.
"MY WHAT?!"
"Oooh, drama," Angel Dust was loving this.
"Does this happen often around here?" Ana asked the Radio Demon.
"Almost hourly, my dear," Alastor smiled, for more reasons than one given recent revelations.
"I HAVE A HALF-SISTER?!" Charlie could only wonder why she was not told. She also wondered why she was learning about unknown family members like this.
"That was a joke! I'm just trying to break the ice here," Lucifer told his only child.
"WELL, YOU FAILED!" jokes were meant to be funny!
"Uhh...What's going on?"
Looking at the entrance everyone in the hotel spotted the target of Lucifer's search.
"Oooh, the drama escalates," Angel Dust couldn't wait to see how this unfolded.
"YOU!"
"What do you want, Top Hat? I'm here to train Vaggie. Her stamina's crap."
"SAVE ME!" three guesses who wailed.
"Really, no short jokes?" Angel ignored - partially - Vaggie's screams. He was half expecting some vertically challenged-related humour to come from Naruto's mouth.
"Hey, I used to be short when I was alive," more so as a child before he went through a great growth spurt, "so don't expect that from me."
"Whatever, you and I-" Lucifer froze.
"...Yes?" Naruto asked as he approached the considerably shorter demon.
...
"Uh, you okay?"
...
"Hello?" Naruto snapped his fingers in front of Lucifer but got no reaction, "Is there an on switch or something?"
Lucifer finally spoke, "Something wicked this way comes."
"...Huh?"
"Dad, are you-"
Wham!
From the entranceway stood a short, squat flapper-looking woman who began to sing.
It's me!
Yes, it's me!
I know you were all waiting m-AAAAAHHHH!"
Until she was suddenly flung into the wall courtesy of a newly arrived and unhinged-looking Michelle.
"Thank fuck," Husk muttered.
"Hey, Aunty M! How you...doin'?" Angel was a bit unnerved by how she looked.
She looked haggard and horny as Hell.
"Uh, sis? You okay?" a scared Lucifer asked.
"YOU!" Michelle ignored Angel and her brother and pointed at Naruto.
"Me? What did I-"
"No talk! Need you! Bedroom! NOW!" Michelle ordered. It had been difficult to try and find her way here and took up a lot of time even with Gabriel's behind-the-scenes assistance.
"Huh? Whoa!" Naruto found himself hoisted on Michelle's right shoulder. Naruto wished he could say this was new...but he'd be lying. Hinata had her intense horny moments when she was pregnant.
"Hey! Back off, sister! He's mine!" Ana shouted at the many times more powerful being that was stealing her man, "Eep!"
Ana quickly found herself on the archangel's left shoulder. Both Naruto and Ana looked at one another with confused looks before, quick as a flash, they found themselves in a bedroom.
"...For the sake of my sanity please lie and say I didn't just see that."
"We didn't see that," Charlie lied to her father, more so because her sanity was on the line, too.
"Thank you, hon-"
"Clothes off now!" Michelle was heard ordering, "Momma needs her foot long!"
"Naw. They're definitely fucking!" Angel chortled at Michelle's comment. Lucifer and Charlie looked ready to kill him a hundred times over. Not that it would do any good.
"Hey, what about me?!"
"Here! Put that mouth of yours to good use, little demon!" Michelle ordered once again.
"Ha! They're having an orgy."
"No, they're not."
"Uhh, yeah, they are."
"Okay, not to get all technical but an orgy requires a minimum of six people. It goes masturbation, a couple, threesome, two couples swinging, two couples and a Lookie-Lou and then orgy."
.
..
...
"What?"
"WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS, DAD!" Charlie couldn't believe this conversation was happening.
"It's basic knowledge, honey," Lucifer didn't bat an eye at his daughter's outburst.
"DID YOU FORGET THAT'S YOUR SISTER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?"
"It's called repressed memories, sweetie. In my mind, that's not my sister up there...Though it wouldn't be the first time she did this-NO! Stop, bad memories stay locked up!" Lucifer was smacking his head with his cane.
Charlie said it before, she'd say it again: what the fuck was wrong with her father's side of the family?
"Whatever. Orgy, or threesome, we need to nip this in the bud. I am not going without sleep again!" Vaggie told Lucifer.
"Now you're talking about three girls and a guy named Bud," her father's comment had Charlie's eye twitching. After being absent for a month the damn spasm was back.
"I want mommy," Charlie lamented the absence of the Queen of Hell.
"I want her too. I miss having mind-blowing sex," Lucifer admitted.
"WHY!?" Charlie wailed.
"Hey! Can someone fucking help me off the wall!" Mimzy shouted.
"...Who's that?" Lucifer asked.
"A fucking headache, at best," Husk answered, "A huge pain in the ass at worst."
"Just get me down, ya drunk!" Mimzy commanded.
"Make momma some clones!" came a shout from upstairs.
"Me too!" Ana was heard next.
"Let the orgy begin!" Angel cackled.
Charlie's brain shut down from those words; Lucifer continued to smack his head, albeit a little harder now.
(Elsewhere in Hell)
"This is...quite concerning," spoke a tall royal garbed owl demon, having ended his call with the rest of the higher ups of the Ars Goetia, his father included.
"Concerning? Is that all you can say about it?!"
"What would you have me do, Stella? This Angelslayer is clearly a powerful demon. Perhaps even more powerful than a Sin if he managed to defeat an archangel, and the strongest of them as well if father's warnings were to go by. Maybe even more powerful than His Majesty himself."
"And you don't see how this is a fucking problem?! Gods, you're an embarrassment, Stolas," not for the first time in her sham of a marriage did Stella feel annoyed, if she was being king, by her so called husband. How could he not see how bad this was?
"What are you two arguing about?" their daughter asked. She didn't care but her phone just died and she was stuck between them until she could find some excuse to leave. With her father it much easier and little to no excuses were needed. Not so much with her mother.
"Your fool of a father is isn't taking the matter with the Angelslayer seriously as he should. Don't you realize the implications-"
"I know the implications, thank you very much!" Stolas shot back, already well irritated by his wife, "The difference is what do you expect me, or any of us, to do about it? Sinner or not, this being is powerful! Very powerful! Do you understand? Powerful! We Goetia rank third in terms of power and our unique capabilities among the denizens of Hell but none of us have ever gone against Heaven's army, or an an archangel for that matter, and humiliated them so utterly. Father at best is as strong as a Sin, but even he wouldn't dare face Archangel Michelle."
"So that's it then? Thousands of years and now we're just going to let this upstart plebian destroy how things are supposed to work? You're going lay on your back and let this little fuck, fuck you? Why am I not surprised you'd allow this."
"Here we go," Octavia knew what was coming and hated it.
"This has nothing to do-"
"It has everything to do with this, imp sucker!"
"Shrew!"
"Hahahaha! Are you a fucking child?! What kind-"
"Overstuffed Thanksgiving Dinner!"
"HOW DARE YOU!"
Octavia tried to make herself as invisible as she could as her parents, once again, began their loud daily bickering.
"Stella, if you don't like it then leave! No one's forcing you to stay here," Stolas had enough.
"Smartest thing you've ever said!" Stella rose from her seat, "But mark my words, this isn't the end of this!"
The Goetia were he nobles of Hell. There was no way she, nor others of her kind, would allow such an individual to come along and change how things were. How things were supposed to be. If she had to take matters into her own hands because her imp bitch of a husband lacked the spine and balls to do something about it, Stella would take matters into her own hands.
(Meanwhile)
"Fucken bastard-ah!-No good-oh-sexy sack of shit!" Velvet's eyes were glowing red as she looked at the screen on her phone, a picture of Naruto was on it, "How could you do-oh, God!- this to me you fucking stuuuuuuddd!"
Velvet finally reached her climax.
"I thought I was the one with the sick kinks," a voice laughed.
"DAMN IT VALENTINO! FUCKING KNOCK!" Velvette covered herself.
"I did," especially after the unpleasantness that occurred the last time he entered without doing so, "You were too busy fucking yourself to notice. Still have the hots for the Angelslayer, even after he turned your ass red?"
As the moth overlord laughed, Velvette had hellfire in her eyes and she was tempted to rip off his newly regenerated arm and beat him with it. A month later and Valentino and countless others still laughed whenever they brought up the video of her being spanked, before it was taken down by Vox, though some had managed to download said video before the TV Demon did so it still popped up every now and then. Much to Vox's displeasure. But Velvet didn't doubt he had a copy himself for shits and giggles.
Velvet had been torn. For one, it humiliated her to no end and her rep had taken a serious hit, and that of the Vees in general, the latter being the main reason why Vox was pissed.
Two, it was the most-watched video on the internet, and countless memes and remixes had since come into being as a result. Three, it left Velvet conflicted and erratic with her feelings towards the Angelslayer. She hated him as much as she lusted after him. The reasons for the latter part were unknown to her. Or so she claimed.
Valentino merely called her a masochist. Pure and simple. A statement Velvet denied despite it fitting the bill.
"Get dressed. Or don't. I don't care," Vox would but Valentino didn't give a shit, "Vox said he has good news."
"'Bout what?"
"Didn't tell me. Just said to get you and then meet him in the lounge," Valentino frowned at the secrecy.
"Damn flat-faced prick," Velvet knew from experience that Vox usually did this as a form of power fix.
They were allies, but their relationship wasn't the healthiest at times. And were it not for how they made their contracts they'd have killed one another for their own benefit if the opportunity arose. Valentino's stunt at the hotel had been a prime example.
The Vees were partners but that didn't mean each of them considered themselves equals. Vox considered himself the smartest of the group. Velvet was the backbone and savviest. And Valentino was the most ruthless and dangerous.
As a result of their monopolies in Pride, their combined assets made them the overlords who owned the most souls in the Pride Ring.
Well, that was Valentino's opinion, if she was honest. Not every overlord made themselves known according to Vox. Some remained behind the scenes with little to no knowledge on who they were, or where they were, and what they did.
One was lucky to hear a whisper of them.
Alastor had been one such individual before the infamous Radio Demon made himself known for all of Hell.
And despite not having as many souls to his name compared to the Vees, despite being in Hell longer than the group, Alastor was still a powerful and feared demon.
Having a large amount of souls to one's name didn't automatically make them more powerful than others. Oh, it boosted their power and influence greatly, but how that power was used depended on the individual. Some sinners, much like hellborn demons, were simply blessed with superior power and talent.
And Alastor was an enigma ever since he arrived in Hell for he wielded strange powers that, from what Vox claimed, were usually reserved to hellborn on the upper rank of the hierarchy. Alastor's strange and unique abilities as a sinner were only outdone by the Angelslayer.
And both were chummy with the Princess of Hell. Velvet knew that something had to be done about that. Alastor was bad enough. The man always had some hidden agenda, according to Vox. Any deal made with the Princess of Hell by him wasn't going to end well for anyone he saw as an enemy.
Alastor lived for entertainment. And him seeing the Vees fall from grace would be considered one of the greatest forms of entertainment in all of Hell.
"You done yet?" Valentino's call cut her from her musings, "Seriously, my sluts dress faster than you."
"Fucken hang on," Velvet told the moth sinner before she added the finishing touches before she and Valentino left to go and see Vox.
Both watched as the souls within their employ gave the overlords a wide berth all the way to the conference room where they spotted a smiling Vox speaking with the press. Beside him was-
"Angel Dust?!" Valentino was heard asking.
Velvet blinked. It was true, the individual looked very much so like Angel Dust. But this wasn't Angel Dust.
"Ah, Velvet. Valentino. Please take a seat. As I was just telling everyone we've acquired a new talent for your studio, Val. Say hello, to your newest star: Molly," Vox introduced the woman before handing over a signed contract.
"...Ohohahahaha!" Valentino couldn't help the red smoke that escaped from him, "Welcome, my dear. I expect great things from you."
Velvet stood still from where she was standing. This was either going to end very well or very badly. She prayed it wasn't the latter.
This was Angel Dust's twin sister after all.
(148 Days until Extermination Day)
Naruto woke to find Ana sleeping comfortably on his chest, her breasts were enticingly pressed against his body, his morning wood curving on her pert little ass. She was practically hotdogging it.
Exactly how it began he couldn't recall. Not that he was complaining. Naruto had since learned to roll with it. Learning how to deal with Hell's energy, however, was a lot like him learning Sage Mode: difficult and slow. Perhaps even more so given the energy of his dimension and this one, Hell's energy to be exact, was very foreign to him. Oh, he was much better than before, but there were still moments that it left him more than antsy, and lustful.
And this was the Pride Ring. Naruto could only imagine how bad it would be for him if he went to the Lust Ring, not that he had any need to go there. He didn't know if each of the Seven Rings of Hell had their own unique energy and would affect him differently or if they were all the same but apparently, visitors to the Lust Ring left many more than wanting according to Charlie.
He didn't know if it was due to energy given off by the Ring itself, or if it was due to the fact that most of the Lust Ring's inhabitants were demons that were affiliated with sex, lust, and desire and the spells and magic abilities they used. Or both.
From her body language and guilty look the blond didn't need to have Shikamaru's brains to deduce that the Princess of Hell was speaking from experience. Naruto didn't pry; Angel did that for him. Vaggie had the latter cut off from the bar for a week as punishment.
It hadn't been a pretty sight. But then, withdrawal never was.
"Mmmmhmmmm," Naruto's musings were interrupted by Ana's moan as she finally awoke, "Morning."
"Morni-Oh, God!" Naruto groaned as Ana pushed herself off his chest, only to sheath him inside her as she tried backing up off of him.
"Mmm..." Ana moaned and bit her bottom lip as she felt her lover reach places that made her spine tingle, "Sorry."
"No, you're not," Naruto called her out; Ana looked anything but sorry.
"Guilty," the young-looking woman rolled her hips and moaned even more as Naruto stretched her insides further and hit spots no one had ever reached as well as he did. Naruto retaliated by grabbing her breasts and tweaking her dark brown nipples. It only served to tighten the female sinner around the blond.
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
"Oi! Soldier! Get your arse up!" Naruto's partner in crime Karlach called from the other side of the door, "We've got work."
Fuck!
"Maybe if -ah!- we're real quiet she'll think we're gone and go away," Ana whispered.
Naruto tried to comply, however, trying to keep quiet was difficult when his partner was twerking her ass on and off him! And the twinkle of mischief in her eye told him it was being done purposely.
Damn saucy little Latina!
"Tell Ana to get her cute butt off your dick, too! Her mum wants to see her."
Double fuck!
"Dios, maldita sea! Fun's over," Ana stopped her movements; she could get away with many things with her mother but tardiness wasn't one of them. Carmilla Carmine greatly disliked tardiness. Her lover, however, wasn't having it though.
"The Hell it is!" Naruto knew from past experience that blue balls sucked! Damn interrupting kids! Ana started this, she could very well take responsibility for it.
"Eep!" Ana's arms and legs wrapped tightly around Naruto as he rose and slammed himself so deeply into her that it had Ana seeing stars. Not that she was complaining.
The dusky daughter of Carmilla had nothing against the Princess of Hell, but the eldest daughter of the weapons-dealing overlord had no desire to enter Paradise when she was experiencing such bliss. Case and point when she was forced to bite in the nape of Naruto's neck once he grabbed her ass and made himself completely comfortable inside her.
If this wasn't Paradise she didn't know what was.
"Oi! You two know I can hear everything!"
"Give us ten minutes to shower and we'll be right out," Naruto bit back a groan as the minx in his arms tightened around him with her delicious insides. Hey, he might have gotten better at controlling his urges without Kurama but sex with someone he cared for was still sex. And Ana was someone he had come to care for over the last few weeks.
"You've got five!"
"Fifteen!" Naruto hissed as Ana tightened ever further.
"That's not how that works!"
"Oh, Dios!" Ana moaned as she felt her lover twitch inside her and hit a very pleasant spot.
"...I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Fine! Ten minutes! But one minute more and I'm coming and-"
"Told you I'd get you to join us, Karlach!" Ana called out before she slammed her ass to meet Naruto's thrust.
"Just get your asses moving!"
"What do you think we're doing?" both sinners simultaneously shouted as they continued their perverse act.
"...Okay, my bad for walking into that one. Nine minutes!"
Both Naruto and Ana chuckled; they could feel Karlach's heat from this side of the door. And not just because of the infernal engine inside her chest.
"Quickie?" it wasn't what she wanted but she'd take what she could get. And she could take a lot thanks to her flexibility
Thank you ballet!
"Quickie," Ana's tongue entered Naruto's mouth as he entered the bathroom and then the shower as they resumed their fun.
For Karlach's sake, Naruto put up soundproofing seals before Ana's back met the wall of the shower as her four limbs clung to him like an anaconda, and her tight vice gripped him like a crab would a finger.
"Rough or tender?"
"Fuck me hard!"
"One order of rough coming up," Naruto's hips became a blur as Ana held on for dear life.
Nothing like starting your day by getting clean and dirty.
"You're late," Carmilla frowned lightly. It was only by a few minutes but late was still late.
"Sorry," both Naruto and Ana bowed their heads.
"No, you're not," Karlach parroted Naruto's earlier statement with a laugh.
"If your union with my daughter ends up with this becoming a habit-"
"You honestly think you can stop me?" Naruto wouldn't make it a habit but he also had to remind Carmilla that despite working for her, he could easily hand the overlord her ass on a platter if he so wished.
Carmilla narrowed her eyes. Ana had been in relationships with way worse, and Naruto honestly had the overlord's stamp of approval given he was easily the best boyfriend - and Ana had dated both men and women - she had. But Carmilla was still her mother.
"Don't do it again."
Naruto rolled his eyes. The woman before him was prideful. Gutsy, but prideful. But the blond sinner wasn't the least bit intimidated.
"Yes, mamá," her daughter was another matter. And for Ana's sake, he'd make certain they minimized undue tardiness.
"So, uh, what's this new job you've got for us?" Karlach diverted the conversation back on course.
"It's different from the usual tasks I've had you and your partner perform. This is more of a retrieval mission."
"Someone taken?" Naruto couldn't recall the last time he had done one of those, "Or something?"
"Something, yes. You recall the day we met?"
"Hard not to. It was the day I saved your butts."
Carmilla didn't so much as twitch at the comment, "Quite. On that day, my daughters and I were investigating rumours that someone, or in this case, multiple someones, was skimming off the top and reminders needed to be made. Well, thanks to you and Karlach, I've uncovered more traitors. Nothing serious in the beginning. It was just money I easily recovered, or I found ways to be re-compensated."
"Poor fuckers," Karlach laughed but stopped. Carmilla would have normally smiled but wasn't in this situation. Karlach immediately knew something was wrong. Something bad, "That bad?"
"Very. In the beginning, it wasn't bad. The money that's gone missing isn't the worst thing they have done, unfortunately. One of them was stupid enough to sell one of my Blessing-Tipped Rifles," Carmilla's daughters along with Karlach were rendered speechless by the overlord's statement, and more than a bit worried.
"Please tell me you're pulling my leg," Karlach prayed this was a joke.
"As much as I would like to inform you otherwise, no, I am not pulling your leg," Carmilla wouldn't joke about something like this.
"Satan fucking damn it!" Karlach cursed while Ana and Blanca cursed in Spanish.
"I'm guessing this thing's not your normal everyday weapon," Naruto chimed in, "How bad is it?"
"Incredibly bad. Angelic weapons for the most part are rare but not unheard of being owned, though it's usually overlords who have 'em. You're already aware they can be used to permanently off sinners and demon royalty, but demons on the higher end of the hierarchy such as the Ars Goetia, the Seven Sins, and The Royal Family, even with an angelic weapon used against them, they're a cut above and much more tolerant, though they aren't wholly immune to the effects of angelic steel."
"This gun's a cut above ordinary angelic weapons then?" Naruto hoped he was wrong but knew he wasn't.
"Above and incredibly expensive. These weapons are very limited and very powerful and it took me ages of trial and error to figure out how to make them, and making them and their ammunition isn't easy, they require rare materials beyond that of angelic steel. Because of how dangerous they are, I don't sell them to just anyone either. Ars Goetia, Sins, and the Royal Family are very tolerant to angelic weapons and divine spells. The more powerful have developed ways to make themselves even more tolerant with few ways to overcome this protection. From what I've discovered, whoever acquired these tools did their homework."
"Tools? I thought it was just the gun?"
"If only. A blessed rope and a knife were also taken. Less dangerous but still enough to immobilize and weaken a Goetia to the point of helplessness," Carmilla was less than pleased.
"Yer not saying someone's going after a Goetia, are you?" Karlach looked bewildered.
"What's got you thinking it's one of them?" Naruto asked.
"Easy, soldier. Going after a Goetia is suicide and just plain stupid. They're powerful demons. But going after anyone above them in rank or simply fucking with them is beyond suicide and a fate worse than death by comparison" Karlach elaborated.
"Under normal circumstances, yes, it would be," Carmilla agreed with Karlach's assessment, "An attack on any member of the Ars Goetia isn't to be done lightly, especially the royal line of Paimon, King of the Ars Goetia," whom himself was a direct descent of the Sin of Lust, Asmodeus.
But there were exceptions.
"Based on my ... findings," Karlach shivered a bit from her employer's cold but satisfied look; Naruto, used to such things when dealing with Konoha's T&I Division, didn't even blink. Regardless, the two could only imagine what the poor unfortunate soul went through, "Karlach is correct, an Ars Goetia is the most likely target. More specifically, the unfortunate target is very likely to be Prince Stolas himself."
"Prince Stolas? Well, that makes sense," Ana simply said.
"I'm guessing he's not well-liked?" Naruto, unfamiliar with Ars Goetia, guessed. Oh, he knew they ranked third - fourth if one wanted to be picky - in terms of the hierarchy in Hell but that was it.
"Actually, Prince Stolas is very well-liked, and he's a son of King Paimon, the current leader of the Ars Goetia. But Paimon has numerous children and cares little really if one or two die unless it's at the hands of those his family deems as lesser," Blanca explained.
Great. Naruto was dealing with those kinds of individuals: ones where killing another who was your equal or lesser was seen as okay, but being killed by someone who wasn't your equal was a different matter.
"Okay, lots of brothers and sisters aside, what did this guy do to be a target if people like him?"
"He fucked an imp," Karlach answered with a snark.
"...That's it?" that was a dumb reason to be targeted.
"Doing something like that in secret is one thing, though still looked down on by those stick up their arses nobility, soldier. Not keepin' it a secret and humiliating yer wife in front of the other Goetia for all to see? Big fucking no, and that's putting it lightly," Karlach didn't know all the details but she heard the story many times to know enough.
"Damn. I feel bad for his wife," no one should be humiliated like that.
"Don't be. His wife's a bitch among bitches, apparently," Ana added what she knew, "Prince Stolas' wife had a Not Yet Divorced Party and bad-mouthed him throughout the whole thing. Their marriage isn't what you would call healthy."
"Ah," Naruto didn't feel as bad anymore, "Wait, how do you know all…It was publicized, wasn't it?"
The dirty laundry of nobles, based on his time as Hokage, wasn't something that was generally known to the public unless it somehow came out through certain means, or if that dirty laundry was aired out for all to see.
"Pretty much all of Pride knows it. Most outside the Goetia don't care - some of the blue blood don't care either - but since it made the news it only served to anger his wife even further. The nobility of Hell are kind to one another one second but will then stab their fellow blue bloods in the back the next if it means improving their standing. Blanca, you have the clip, right?" Carmilla asked her daughter.
"Just a sec...here it is," Blanca showed Naruto the clip on her phone.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, STOLAS?!" demanded an angry white avian demon covered in destroyed pastry.
"That! Was the sound...OF A FUCKING DIVORCE! HehahahaHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled a very tall dark gray owl-like demon with four red eyes.
"YOU GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING DISGRACE OF A-"
"And that's where it cuts off. The original clip shows it being covered in frost before the screen shattered," Blanca informed her sister's lover.
"Ever since that incident many among the Goetia feel Prince Stolas to be a disgrace of their blood and should be done away with. A task easier said that done, really since Prince Stolas is a powerful demon and still has friends among the nobility. The other problem is him being a son of their king as despite Paimon's lack of care for his children, Paimon's wrath and power has been said to be comparable to one of the Sins. Any potential action was more talk behind closed doors than anything."
"Not anymore from the looks of it. Any word on who would want him gone? Other than his wife, I mean," Naruto had learned that while Karlach might not be the smartest of individuals and preferred to settle things with her fists but she wasn't lacking in common sense.
"His wife's brother, perhaps? Though from what I've heard from Zestial, Andrealphus is much more cunning and less reckless than his hot-heated sister. Some other members of the Ars Goetia who sympathize with his wife, perhaps? Who knows. But I couldn't care if he dies or not. What I do care about is the backlash this may cause if my rifle ends up as the murder weapon."
Naruto frowned as he quickly put things together. While some of the nobles might not care so much about Stolas dying, the fact that a weapon was made that was capable of killing one of them was. Uncovering who the killer was would be important, just as learning and punishing the one who fabricated the weapon that ended his life, too. Unless it was used by another Goetia, of course.
Even if Carmilla never pulled the trigger, the fact she made such a weapon that resulted in a noble's death, especially a weapon made by those they deemed their lesser, was a matter of archaic pride and pure pettiness. To Ars Goetia, it would be about sending a message than any true sense of loyalty.
"Got any leads?"
"Regrettably, none. Hell has numerous hitmen and assassins both known and unknown. They could be anyone. But, if I were to guess when and where it would be the Harvest Moon Festival that will take place in one week's time."
"One week's time? Isn't Spring Break about to start?" Ana asked as that didn't make sense.
"On Earth, yes, but the Harvest Moon Festival in the Wrath Ring takes place much sooner than on Earth," Carmilla informed her eldest.
"Shit," Karlach cursed.
"What's wrong?"
"Well, for one we're short on time. Second, I know a bit about the Harvest Moon Festival. Prince Stolas goes to the Wrath Ring every year due to his obligations in Hell," Karlach explained, "Biggest problem is since you're all sinners, I'm the only one-"
"I can access the other Rings," Naruto interrupted.
...
...
...
"Pardon?" Karlach believed she heard wrong.
"Debo haber escuchado mal...Repitelo?" Carmila finally spoke.
"Translation?"
"She asked if you could repeat what you just said," Blanca translated.
"I can access the other Rings?"
"How?"
"I'm awesome," Naruto boasted, and got deadpanned looks from everyone, even Ana, "I mean, sure it took some time-"
"You can access the other Rings and you never told me!?" Ana accused.
"We were busy having sex so it never came up."
"That's...Okay, good point. But after this, you are taking me to another-"
"No, he isn't," Carmella interjected, and looked her eldest straight in the eye, "I don't care how you accomplished this but you are not taking my daughter to any other Ring. We have enough enemies in the Pride Ring. What do you think will happen if others learn of her being capable of moving back and forth between them when it should be possible? No! I forbid it!"
"But mom-"
"This isn't up for debate, Ana. So drop it," Carmilla ordered her daughter.
"Ana, your mom's right. You already have a target on you for being Carmilla's daughter. If anyone learns of this, you'll have an even bigger target on that pretty ass of yours."
"Oh, Dios," Blanca palmed her face.
"Not if I can disguise myself. Not if people knew it was you protecting me-"
"Which would undo everything I am trying to accomplish," Carmilla cut off her dark skinned daughter, "and even then you would still be in harm's way. Having agents of mine who are hellborn going to another Ring is one thing, but a sinner all of a sudden being capable of traversing the other Rings? No, I won't risk you."
"Not like it's any more dangerous now given Heaven's plan to go after all demons and not just those in Pride with their new schedule," Ana groused, not liking this one bit, "Besides, even if something does happen to me, I'm a sinner, remember? I'll just put myself back together."
"We don't know if that will apply with you being in one of the other Rings, Ana. No! My word is final. You and your sister are staying here. End of discussion," Carmilla said with a note of finality.
"But-"
"I said end of discussion!" Carmilla stared down at her daughter, who stared right back before she stormed out in a huff.
The joys of parenthood.
Naruto wanted to say something but experience had told him never to undermine the authority of a parent towards their child. Sure, Ana was well over a century old and a grown adult, but Naruto didn't want to sour his relationship with Carmilla by not adhering to her wishes.
Even if he didn't wholeheartedly agree with them.
"Apologies. I should not have lost my composure like that. It was unbecoming of me," Carmilla apologized to him and Karlach.
"Eeh. No skin off my nose," Karlach shrugged.
"I might not agree, but it's not my place to interfere. And having been a parent myself, I've been there," even after his kids had become adults, and grandparents, Naruto and Hinata still had a tenancy, like all parents, of treating their offspring as though they were still young and helpless children.
"That girl...Hah, she takes after me in my younger days...too much, really," Carmilla sighed. And given some of the exploits she had done in her youth, Carmilla very much knew the consequences that could come of it, "But back to the matter at hand, you are to find a way to protect Prince Stolas without arousing suspicion."
"Ha! Easier said than done. Ars Goetia come to us if they think we're worthy of their attention, not the other way 'round," Karlach laughed. Sure, an overlord with enough souls to their name could rival an Ars Goetia but even then most of them would still have a natural advantage and even then they'd still be haughty. Most Goetia would hold a sinner's existence against them.
"Quite true. Which is why you'll be associating yourself with those the prince has a ... close and professional relationship with."
"Close and professional?"
"It would appear the imp Prince Stolas ruined his marriage with runs a... business if we can call it that, whose services he has engaged more than once. And, as luck would have it, they are hiring."
"Business? What kind of business?"
"They call themselves I.M.P. Your duties protecting my daughters will be on hold for the time being should they employ you."
"Oh, boy. Ana's not gonna like this. Tough break, soldier," Karlach commented with a laugh.
"You kidding? Sex with Ana is better when she's riled up," Naruto grinned and ignored the looks from two of the three women.
"Gross," Blanca gagged at the mental image.
"Dismissed," Carmilla didn't want to hear any more details.
Carmilla already knew too much after accidentally walking in on them.
(Meanwhile in Heaven)
"This is soooooo boring!"
"Too fucking bad! Keep working!"
"I hate you!"
"Don't care!"
Sera could only sigh as she and Emily listened as the two archangels exchanged less-than-pleasant banter with one another on the floor above them. It was no secret that the sisters, despite their love for one another, were at each other's throats. One would think that after a month since Michelle's return, they'd have stopped this stupid quarrel.
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
"NO ESCAPING!"
"YOU'RE THE WORSE COCKBLOCK EVER!"
"FOR THE LOVE OF DAD, SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!"
"KISS MY PERFECTLY TONED ASS!"
Nope! They were still going strong.
"Should we get involved?" Emily, bless her pure heart, asked her senior seraphim.
Sera couldn't stop the unrefined snort that escaped from her, "The Morningstar has a better chance of being let back into Heaven than me getting involved."
"But-"
"Trust me, Emily. You do not want to get involved," Sera's tone, Emily noted, held a slight quiver.
While it happened many millennia ago, back when Sera had been young and idealistic like Emily, the older seraphim still remembered as though it were yesterday the last, and only, time she made the mistake of getting involved in a dispute that involved the two archangel siblings. It was a mistake she vowed to never repeat.
Ever.
Despite being in Heaven, she still had the odd nightmare of the incident. Usually when Adam's exploits caused her headaches and stressed her out. For despite Adam's claims of Heaven being paradise and never having any bad days, it was quite untrue. As Heaven's Favorite, many had to clean up the First Man's messes. Messes he was either ignorant of or just didn't care. Likely both.
In the nearly 10,000 years Adam had been in Heaven, the number of bad days he had compared to everyone else could be counted on one hand. That is until a month ago when the Angelslayer appeared and messed up Extermination Day, forcing Adam to come up with a solution on how to deal with the exceptionally powerful and unique demon and Hell's overpopulation problem. The First Man had been stressed out on how to come up with a solution, and the leviathans were not being cooperative.
It was highly unbecoming of her, but Sera drew some measure of satisfaction in seeing her subordinate struggle and become stressed at his lack of progress. As she heard many say, Karma was a bitch. And Sera was loving it! She didn't believe she was even thinking it, but she was glad for the Angelslayer's unexpected appearance, even
Despite that, Adam's lack of progress with the leviathans was still worrying. Little progress had been made and Hell's overpopulation remained a problem.
"My sisters still driving you up the wall?" a voice laughed.
"Oh, Lord, give me strength," Sera prayed.
"Lord Gabriel," Emilly bowed to the much brown/dirty-blond-haired and shorter but much more powerful angelic being.
Gabriel was slightly taller than his older brother Lucifer by barely half an inch if one were kind, though unlike Lucifer, Gabriel didn't care much about his height as it made him stand out less and made pulling pranks easier.
"What did I say about you calling me that, Em? Call me Gabriel, or Gab. Hate the formal shit," Gabriel, the youngest of God's children and the youngest of the archangels, as well as the most elusive of them all, and Heaven's resident prankster told the younger seraphim.
"Okay!" Emilly chirped.
"Good. Don't make me prank yer ass."
"Lord Ga-"
"Whipped cream, molasses, syrup-"
"Please stop, Lo-Gabriel," Sera was flushed with embarrassment as she recalled the last time she had fallen for one of his pranks. That had been embarrassing for all concerned, mostly Sera.
"What are you talking about?"
"We'll tell when you're older, cutie," Gab ruffled Emilly's hair.
"Older? I'm almost two centuries old!"
"Where am I losing you on this? Anyway, kiddo, I need to talk about something important with Sera so if you could skedaddle that'd be great. Go sing or dance or something," Emily pouted cutely at her child-like treatment but did as she was asked. Once they were alone, Gabriel looked at the older seraphim.
"So...how's everything going?" Gabriel asked cheekily but Sera was interrupted by a loud rumbling from above followed by the sound of wall and glass breaking.
"FREEDOM!" Sera and Gabriel looked out the window to see a golden streak racing away from the building.
It was soon followed by another golden streak, "GET BACK HERE!"
"SCREW YOU, TOY-BLOWER!"
"DEMON FUCKER!"
Thud!
"...Wanna get a drink?" Gabriel decided to be sympathetic, and because he wanted that image out of his head.
"It's not even 10 AM, Lord Gabriel," Sera said, her head still on her desk.
Gabriel let that one slide, "Not in France."
"I'll get my purse," Sera could do with a break from everything she had to endure these last few weeks.
Sera wasn't normally one to question the Lord's wisdom, but why he deemed her the best to deal with them she couldn't understand. From dealing with the bickering archangel siblings to the issues and lack of progress with Adam, as well as Adam being, well, Adam, she more than deserved a bit of respite.
Elsewhere, said First Man was entering a dark and quite frankly, scary as fuck castle that looked like it belonged in a horror movie. Beside him, Lute looked calm and composed, but she was anything but. This was the Red Castle, also known as the House of War, the second strongest Horseman and one of the few who could beat Archangel Michelle.
"Fu-fu-fuck, would it kill her to tu-tu-turn on the heat?" Adam shivered at the cold temperatures. Lute agreed. Her nipples were hard enough to cut a diamond.
"Uh, hello? We're here!" Adam heard his voice echo, it only served to fuel the sense of dread. He was lucky that he was even getting this meeting.
"Hehehehehehe!" was his reply.
"...Lutey, if we live through this, there's no fucking way I'm taking your advice any time soon," that laugh nearly scared the piss out of him.
"Noted sir," Lute tried to sound brave but her response was more of a squeak.
"Fresh meat!" someone behind them declared.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" okay, the piss was out of him now.
"Hehehehehehehe!"
"H-h-h-hiya," there were few things that scared Adam. First and foremost was God when he had been pissed after eating one of his apples. Adam hadn't eaten apples since. Second was Michelle when in a bad mood and the hellish training she put him through. Third was the Angelslayer, not that he would admit it out loud when he gave his speech at the embassy.
War's unhinged behaviour was now the fourth.
"La-lady War," Lutey bowed fearfully, the pale-skinned and red-wearing woman before her was amongst the most powerful beings in existence, and one of the few beings Lutey, a normally fearless angel, was afraid of, "We thank you-
"I itch to peel you, to split your skin, to see your skull shine in the light, little angels. Luckily for you, I've harvested a whole family of living flesh. They will sate my blade's thirst...for the moment. But tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, my blades will thirst again, again, again, and again!" was her mad cackle.
If Adam had a mother, he'd be running into her fucking womb right now.
"Now then...tell me why should I let you leave here alive?" she grinned, licking her bloody knife as she looked at them like a predator would prey, "It's been quite some time since I've feasted on angel blood."
"Y-y-yeah, so...Oh, fuck, me," Adam stumbled.
"Sir, focus," Lute pleaded with her superior; she didn't fancy dying today.
"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock," War's smile and the wave of her bloody blade didn't help Adam.
Adam gulped as he tried to compose himself but made a resolute declaration: he really had no intention of taking Lute's advice any time soon if they lived through this.
"Times up!" War pounced on them with a mad cackle escaping her lips.
"Eeeekkk!"
Imp City had seen better days. Naruto learned that it was easily the poorest city in the Pride Ring. Blood was on the streets, buildings looked condemned or damn near it, while others were in good need of repair. Homeless people were spotted at almost every corner, graffiti were pretty much used as landmarks, and the poorly written billboards didn't leave much to the imagination. To be honest, this was actually how Naruto envisioned Hell. Not by much though.
"So...these guys go topside and kill people?" Naruto, disguised in his alternate female persona, asked Karlach after reading the information gathered on I.M.P. Having no experience driving, not that there was ever a need back in his world, Naruto left the driving to Karlach.
"That's the gist of it. Heard they had a jingle and commercial too. Never saw it myself but from what I know it didn't last very long," who the Hell put a jingle on a station virtually no one watched and for three hours straight?
"Gotta admit, I'm torn," sure, Naruto had gone on assassination missions before becoming Hokage but the the services I.M.P. didn't leave a good taste in his mouth. Sure, some might deserve it, but not everything was black and white. But given they were in Hell, Naruto surmised they didn't give a shit either. Money was money. People had to make a living somehow.
"Don't like it either but it's our best lead. Like I said, the Ars Goetia come to you and not the other way 'round. Stuck up pricks," Karlach muttered.
"Bad experience?"
"Let's just say I've broken a few beaks and wings," the red-skinned woman grinned. Given Karlach was an eager and willing participant of bar brawls Naruto could definitely see it.
"Bad blood. Got it."
"Here we are!"
"Whoa!" Naruto exclaimed and held on for dear life as Karlach unexpectedly turned into a parking lot.
Screech!
"My bad!" Karlach laughed.
Naruto instantly disliked Karlach's driving and driving in general after today. He'd stick to good old-fashioned rooftops and running faster than the wind.
"Parking's for fucking tenants!" came a demon from a nearby intercom, "Get the Hell off my property!"
"We're here on fucking business from Carmilla Carmine," Karlach said into the intercom, "Know where we can-"
Boom!
Both Naruto and Karlach watched as a parked vehicle was suddenly destroyed and a space suddenly became available.
"Please enjoy your visit."
"Well, that's boring. I was hoping to smash something," Karlach whined like a child.
"Maybe later," Naruto reassured her.
Once parked, the two entered the building and proceeded to make their way up to the floor where they spotted the office of I.M.P.
"Hold up, soldier," Naruto looked back at the woman and saw her staring at the office opposite to them, "You go on ahead. I've some catching up to do."
"Do I need to call a cleaning crew?"
"Haha. Nothing like that. Just an old friend. I'll catch up in a sec," Karlach told her partner before opening the door, "Wat up, bitch!"
"Karlach!" a voice squealed.
Phew! Naruto was glad a fixer wasn't required and entered I.M.P.'s office, bending down to make it through the doorway, only to see an empty room when he righted himself. Based look of things the room appeared to have had been damaged more than once and in different ways.
"Hello?" Naruto called out to no response, "Anyone here?"
Again, no response.
Walking around the room, Naruto spotted a door with a crudely scribbled note that indicated a meeting was in progress,
"You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time… WITHOUT HUMAN DISGUISES?!" a voice exclaimed from behind the door.
…Naruto was starting to wonder if this was a good idea. Sure, he knew some demons went to Earth due to work but any demon that didn't use a disguise was pretty much asking for trouble from both Heaven and the Earthly authorities.
Or just plain stupid.
"There's gotta be a better way," Naruto knew amount shit missions to know this one might end up being a doozy.
"All right, good meeting people. Moxxie come with…did we bring another human into Hell again?" asked a rather large imp coming out of the conference room.
"Not a human," Naruto was intrigued by the latter comment though. He was fairly certain Death said non-deceased humans would go crazy or die the moment they were brought to Hell.
"Oh, thank Satan. Who the fuck are you and what do you want then?" the imp demanded.
"Good job. That'll get us some work," said a female hellhound in goth clothing.
"Shut the fuck up, Moxxie!"
"I didn't say anything! That was Loona!" said a smaller, white-haired imp.
"Are you accusing my precious wittle Loona?!"
"Calm down, Blitzø. Wot's got your panties inna bundle?" asked a heavily accented imp woman.
"Well, I got up late this morning and put them on the wrong wa-THAT'S NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS!"
"How do you put underwear on the wrong way?" Moxxie asked.
"Lick my ass you twink, that's how!"
"Again, it's 'kiss my ass', Blitzø."
"Mine's still better."
Naruto hated being right at times. It was clear to any sane person that this experience was gonna be the mother of all headaches.
"Sorry, toots, we're not taking…Wait, the fuck am I saying. Welcome to I.M.P.! I'm Blitzø the O is silent!"
"What O?"
"Exactly, sugar tits," Naruto's eye twitched, "So, what can I do ya? Just so you know, we're running a half-off Spring Break special."
"No! No, no, no! Not looking to get anyone killed," Naruto quickly explained.
"Beat it then. It's our busiest time of the year and we got no room for cheapskates or, Satan forbid it, Yatzer's Witnesses," Blitzø along with the other three member of shuddered. If Jehovah's Witnesses were bad, the satanic equivalent was worse.
"…I don't know what that last bit's about. I'm here because you guys are hiring?"
"…Come again?"
"You are hiring, right?" Naruto handed him a poster that, sure enough, explained that I.M.P. was hiring.
"Those posters are still up?" Loona inquired, finally looking up from her phone.
"Uh, yeah?"
"...Whoa. Tall one," Loona noted and easily taller than Vortex the hellhound noted, and he was well above seven feet.
"How long ago were they posted?"
"Not important! You're hired, lady!"
"Seriously?" that was both easy and a little concerning.
"Hiya! I'm Millie. This lil' cutie here's ma husband, Moxxie. That there's our boss, Blitzø, and this 'ere's his daughter, Loona," introduced the female imp.
"Adopted," Loona felt the need to emphasize.
"Hold on, sir! Not to point out the obvious-
"That you're a tiny, baby-wiener haver? Yeah, we know that already," Blitzø snickered.
Judging by the smaller imp's facial expression Naruto concluded this was a regular occurrence, "How do we know she's even qualified for the job? For all we know, she could be like Loona."
"Fuck you, Fatty," Loona saluted the imp with a single digit.
"I AM NOT FAT!"
"You could stand to put a salad in your meals," Blitzø added.
"But I'm not fat!"
"Dead."
"Pardon?" Millie asked.
"You're all dead," Naruto twirled a red marker, "Eight points: Larynx, spine, lungs, liver, jugular, subclavian artery, kidneys, heart."
"The fuck?!" Blitzø looked and saw various red marks on his suit and quickly spotted them on Millie, Moxxie and Loona.
"Satisfied?"
"Very! Welcome aboard…what's your name?"
"Kushina. Name's Kushina," Naruto decided to use his mother's name.
"Kushina? Pretty sure I smoked something like that not that long ago. Ha! You're named after pot!"
Naruto was already annoyed by the imp that was now his new but, thankfully, temporary employer, "I'm gonna need to stock up on aspirin, aren't I?"
"Here's a place where you can get it in bulk," Moxxie passed the disguised demon a card.
"Thanks. Before I forget, I have a friend-"
"Stop right there. We don't do employee discounts for friends and families," Blitzø quickly interjected, "Also, you're paying for our dry cleaning."
"Noted. But she's looking for a job, too."
"Oh, fuck yeah! Two new employees! That'll teach that overused snatch of a-Wait, she hot?"
"And then some," Naruto laughed, "She should be here in a couple of-"
The door to I.M.P.'s office opened before Naruto could continue, "Sorry, 'bout that. Things were starting to get-"
"Karlach?!" Blitzø exclaimed.
Wait what?
"YOU!" Karlach roared while Blitzo screamed as the taller demon suddenly summoned a huge axe that threatened to split him in two.
"Great, another ex?" Loona asked her adopted father and employer.
"YOU FUCKING SHITSTAIN! GET OVER HERE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" it was only fair that he'd pay with his own.
"Sounds like it," Moxxie knew it was wrong but he was very much enjoying the drama unfolding.
"Kush! Save me!"
Naruto's left eye began to twitch at the nickname but did as he was asked.
So much for good impressions.
(Sometime Later)
"Good work. Make sure you don't give yourselves away. And Karlach... do your best not to kill your new employer," Carmilla told her before the call was disconnected.
The silence that followed in the car as Karlch drove him to a spot that was close to the hotel was uncomfortable. Despite her attempt to kill, almost successfully, the founder of I.M.P., Karlach had been hired on as well. Though at a severely reduced pay that almost resulted in him being cut in half by the taller female demon.
Blitzø instead earned himself a black eye for his trouble.
Why Karlach had gotten hired after that stunt had Naruto questioning the imp's sanity. Was it guilt? Was Blitzø a masochist? Was he just plain nuts? A combination of different reasons? Naruto was curious to know but respected Karlach's privacy. Luckily for them, their job with I.M.P. wouldn't commence until tomorrow. In the meantime, Vaggie needed some fine-tuning in her fighting style. And stamina.
Both she and Charlie would thank him later.
That said, "Soooo...Wan-"
"Nope," Karlach quickly and flatly answered.
"Got it," Naruto decided not to push. Angry Karlach was scary Karlach, and while he could handle her Naruto didn't want to put a strain on their relationship.
"Of all the fucking people," he heard Karlach mutter.
"For someone who doesn't want to talk about it, you're talking about it," Naruto pointed out.
"Hah, it's…it's a long story."
"Ex?"
"Hah! He wishes."
"Friends with benefits?"
"He probably wishes that too."
"...Was he bad in bed?"
"Why does it keep going back to sex?"
"The impression I got from him."
Karlach wanted to dispute it but even though she hadn't seen the founder of I.M.P. in a very long time she recalled that even back then he had a bit of an appetite, "I'll give you that one, but no. We never fucked."
"Pretty sure you'd be the one doing the fucking," Naruto laughed.
"Pretty sure he'd like it," Karlach shot back, "Let's just say that we knew one another a long time ago before disaster struck. A lot of people cut ties with him. A lot of us imps did."
"You're an imp?" that was unexpected.
Karlach laughed, "Heh, yeah that's the usual reaction I get. Most of us are small, diminutive with the tallest of imps usually being no bigger than an average human woman. My family's the exception, we're giants compared to them. Any imp as tall as me is usually treated with a bit of fear and envy among our kind cuz they think we're Satan's direct descendants."
"Are you?" Naruto recalled that Satan, the Sin many in the human world confused for Lucifer as the King of Hell, and the second strongest of the Sins, was seen as a deity to imps. Apparently he was said to be an imp of great stature in many senses of the word.
Karlach shrugged, "Never bothered to ask mum. Never cared really. Not that I could ask her now anyway."
"My condolences," it was easy for the blond to understand the implications.
"Thanks. Anyway, can we just drop it? Still can't believe we gotta work for that little shit, and against an old friend. And for a stupid parking space!" who the hell fought that hard for a parking space?
"She said she was his ex, too?" exactly how such a guy like Blitzø ended up with someone like Verosika given his ...charming personality left Naruto more than a bit curious.
"No idea how the little fucker managed that, but yeah," Verosika hadn't gone into detail on how that came about, not that Karlach was in all that interested in knowing either when she learned of it, "Better watch yourself."
"Why?"
"She's a succubus. Demons that are the literal embodiment of lust. Most sinners and hellborn are resistant to their allures but given your uniqueness-"
"Ah, crap," Naruto cursed his luck.
"Could be worse, soldier. She's a sweet lay," Karlach revealed.
"You two dated?" Naruto was starting to wonder if everyone in Hell was bisexual, or if that was the majority.
"Me and her? Nah. More fuck buddies and friends with benefits. Acted as a bodyguard more than once for a few of her gigs. Did it to relieve stress. Left that old life on good terms when Carmilla helped me out and hired me. Fortunately, she's got Tex. Good bloke. Laid back but he knows how to take a job seriously and he's a decent drinker," Karlach recalled the good times she had with the hellhound.
"You had sex to relieve stress?" Naruto wasn't judging, though he knew of healthier ways of doing it.
Though none quite as fun... or pleasurable if he was honest.
"Well, that and smoking. Or both. But V doesn't care for the smell of it. Bit of warning-"
"I saw," Naruto groaned, recalling the not-so-subtle looks Verosika's group and Verosika sent his way whilst he was disguised.
"Got no one to blame but yourself, soldier. Succubi and incubi sleep with almost anyone but they have an inherent desire to be with someone unique, much like hellhounds generally have an inherent desire to seek out their mates with someone powerful. It's almost like a sixth sense," Karlach told him.
Stupid awesome uniqueness that was himself!
"You good here?" Karlach stopped the vehicle.
"Close enough, thanks."
"See ya tomorrow!" Karlach waved as she drove off.
XxXxX
"Ughhhhhh."
"You okay, toots?" Angel Dust asked Vaggie.
"Ughhhhhh."
"Imma guessing dat's a no," the pornstar laughed.
"If I had any strength in my legs and wings I'd run you through," Vaggie threatened. It had been a day since her last training session and her body was still sore and weak.
"But ya don't," Angel Dust snarked.
"Angel, leave Vaggie alone. Told you, you needed the rest," Charlie reminded her girlfriend.
"Not in the mood, babe. That blond idiot's a real slave master," Vaggie was sorely regretting her decision to allow Naruto to train her.
Torture was a more appropriate word.
"Who's the bigger idiot? The idiot doing the training or the idiot who agreed to it?" Husk smirked.
"Cállate, pendejo!" Vaggie cursed twice over as her sudden rose caused her legs to spasm, "You did that on purpose."
"Me? Why would I do that," despite his outward appearance showing otherwise, Husk's face was positively Cheshire.
"Well executed, Husker. Good show!" Alastor complimented.
Vaggie cursed some more at the Radio Demon's arrival.
"Are you dead?" Niffty prodded.
"Is that a real question?" Vaggie couldn't tell with Niffty at times.
"I got a real question," spoke Ana, "Are you guys for fucking real?"
"Why isssss ssssshe here?" Pentious asked as he came down the stairs.
"Ya mean she's not here for yous?" Angel asked the serpent inventor.
"Much assss I love inventing, I alsssso love living. Though calling it that issss quite the stretch at times," Pentious added with a somber look.
"Then, why are ya here for?" Angel asked the overlord's daughter.
"Issssn't it obvious? She's waiting for ssssomeone tall, blond, whiskered-
"And well hung and not afraid to go downtown," Ana added with a smile.
"God damn it, people! It's way too early for this shit!" Husk went back to cleaning bottles. One sexual deviant living here was bad enough.
"It's almost noon?"
"Still way too fucking early," Husk parried back.
"Go on," Angel prodded the daughter of an overlord.
"Please don't," Charlie pleaded, but then quickly realized something, "Wait, you and Naruto are together?"
"Took you that long to piece it together? Why wouldn't I? He's caring, warm, funny and protective-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, back to da good stuff, toots," Angel told Ana.
"Oh, shit."
"Vaggie? You okay?" Charlie heard the curse come from the angel.
"I'm fine...well, fine-ish. But she won't be," Vaggie nodded towards Ana.
"Why?"
"Two words: your aunt."
"...Oooooohhhhh, shiiiiiitttt," Charlie grimaced as she pieced things together. Her aunt Michelle wasn't gonna like this, "Well, she's been in Heaven for about a month so-"
Wham!
"Aaaaahhhh!" Charlie, Ana, and Vaggie shouted as their imaginations ran wild.
"Okay, where is he?!" but the voice didn't belong to Heaven's Greatest Warrior.
"Dad?!" Charlie gawked at her father's sudden arrival, "What are you doing here?"
"Looking for the blond asshole that fucked my sister!"
"Ew! Dad! Think the words before you-"
"I know. I know. I heard it when I said it," Lucifer admitted, "Now where is he?! The amount of shit I'm getting from Heaven is driving me nuts! I haven't slept in days!"
"Hold up there, short-stuff," Angel interjected.
"Bad move," Vaggie knew how bringing up the King of Hell's height was a sensitive subject.
"Yer tellin' me dis guy's the Big Dick himself? Seriously?"
"He is shorter in real life than I expected," Alastor agreed.
"I may be small, but big where it counts. Just ask my wife," Lucifer grinned.
"What did I just say!" Charlie barked at her father.
"Oh, grow up sweetie. How'd you think you and Aurora were conceived?"
"Aurora?"
"...Oh, right. You don't know about your half-sister I conceived with Eve," Lucifer revealed.
"MY WHAT?!"
"Oooh, drama," Angel Dust was loving this.
"Does this happen often around here?" Ana asked the Radio Demon.
"Almost hourly, my dear," Alastor smiled, for more reasons than one given recent revelations.
"I HAVE A HALF-SISTER?!" Charlie could only wonder why she was not told. She also wondered why she was learning about unknown family members like this.
"That was a joke! I'm just trying to break the ice here," Lucifer told his only child.
"WELL, YOU FAILED!" jokes were meant to be funny!
"Uhh...What's going on?"
Looking at the entrance everyone in the hotel spotted the target of Lucifer's search.
"Oooh, the drama escalates," Angel Dust couldn't wait to see how this unfolded.
"YOU!"
"What do you want, Top Hat? I'm here to train Vaggie. Her stamina's crap."
"SAVE ME!" three guesses who wailed.
"Really, no short jokes?" Angel ignored - partially - Vaggie's screams. He was half expecting some vertically challenged-related humour to come from Naruto's mouth.
"Hey, I used to be short when I was alive," more so as a child before he went through a great growth spurt, "so don't expect that from me."
"Whatever, you and I-" Lucifer froze.
"...Yes?" Naruto asked as he approached the considerably shorter demon.
...
"Uh, you okay?"
...
"Hello?" Naruto snapped his fingers in front of Lucifer but got no reaction, "Is there an on switch or something?"
Lucifer finally spoke, "Something wicked this way comes."
"...Huh?"
"Dad, are you-"
Wham!
From the entranceway stood a short, squat flapper-looking woman who began to sing.
It's me!
Yes, it's me!
I know you were all waiting m-AAAAAHHHH!"
Until she was suddenly flung into the wall courtesy of a newly arrived and unhinged-looking Michelle.
"Thank fuck," Husk muttered.
"Hey, Aunty M! How you...doin'?" Angel was a bit unnerved by how she looked.
She looked haggard and horny as Hell.
"Uh, sis? You okay?" a scared Lucifer asked.
"YOU!" Michelle ignored Angel and her brother and pointed at Naruto.
"Me? What did I-"
"No talk! Need you! Bedroom! NOW!" Michelle ordered. It had been difficult to try and find her way here and took up a lot of time even with Gabriel's behind-the-scenes assistance.
"Huh? Whoa!" Naruto found himself hoisted on Michelle's right shoulder. Naruto wished he could say this was new...but he'd be lying. Hinata had her intense horny moments when she was pregnant.
"Hey! Back off, sister! He's mine!" Ana shouted at the many times more powerful being that was stealing her man, "Eep!"
Ana quickly found herself on the archangel's left shoulder. Both Naruto and Ana looked at one another with confused looks before, quick as a flash, they found themselves in a bedroom.
"...For the sake of my sanity please lie and say I didn't just see that."
"We didn't see that," Charlie lied to her father, more so because her sanity was on the line, too.
"Thank you, hon-"
"Clothes off now!" Michelle was heard ordering, "Momma needs her foot long!"
"Naw. They're definitely fucking!" Angel chortled at Michelle's comment. Lucifer and Charlie looked ready to kill him a hundred times over. Not that it would do any good.
"Hey, what about me?!"
"Here! Put that mouth of yours to good use, little demon!" Michelle ordered once again.
"Ha! They're having an orgy."
"No, they're not."
"Uhh, yeah, they are."
"Okay, not to get all technical but an orgy requires a minimum of six people. It goes masturbation, a couple, threesome, two couples swinging, two couples and a Lookie-Lou and then orgy."
.
..
...
"What?"
"WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS, DAD!" Charlie couldn't believe this conversation was happening.
"It's basic knowledge, honey," Lucifer didn't bat an eye at his daughter's outburst.
"DID YOU FORGET THAT'S YOUR SISTER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?"
"It's called repressed memories, sweetie. In my mind, that's not my sister up there...Though it wouldn't be the first time she did this-NO! Stop, bad memories stay locked up!" Lucifer was smacking his head with his cane.
Charlie said it before, she'd say it again: what the fuck was wrong with her father's side of the family?
"Whatever. Orgy, or threesome, we need to nip this in the bud. I am not going without sleep again!" Vaggie told Lucifer.
"Now you're talking about three girls and a guy named Bud," her father's comment had Charlie's eye twitching. After being absent for a month the damn spasm was back.
"I want mommy," Charlie lamented the absence of the Queen of Hell.
"I want her too. I miss having mind-blowing sex," Lucifer admitted.
"WHY!?" Charlie wailed.
"Hey! Can someone fucking help me off the wall!" Mimzy shouted.
"...Who's that?" Lucifer asked.
"A fucking headache, at best," Husk answered, "A huge pain in the ass at worst."
"Just get me down, ya drunk!" Mimzy commanded.
"Make momma some clones!" came a shout from upstairs.
"Me too!" Ana was heard next.
"Let the orgy begin!" Angel cackled.
Charlie's brain shut down from those words; Lucifer continued to smack his head, albeit a little harder now.
(Elsewhere in Hell)
"This is...quite concerning," spoke a tall royal garbed owl demon, having ended his call with the rest of the higher ups of the Ars Goetia, his father included.
"Concerning? Is that all you can say about it?!"
"What would you have me do, Stella? This Angelslayer is clearly a powerful demon. Perhaps even more powerful than a Sin if he managed to defeat an archangel, and the strongest of them as well if father's warnings were to go by. Maybe even more powerful than His Majesty himself."
"And you don't see how this is a fucking problem?! Gods, you're an embarrassment, Stolas," not for the first time in her sham of a marriage did Stella feel annoyed, if she was being king, by her so called husband. How could he not see how bad this was?
"What are you two arguing about?" their daughter asked. She didn't care but her phone just died and she was stuck between them until she could find some excuse to leave. With her father it much easier and little to no excuses were needed. Not so much with her mother.
"Your fool of a father is isn't taking the matter with the Angelslayer seriously as he should. Don't you realize the implications-"
"I know the implications, thank you very much!" Stolas shot back, already well irritated by his wife, "The difference is what do you expect me, or any of us, to do about it? Sinner or not, this being is powerful! Very powerful! Do you understand? Powerful! We Goetia rank third in terms of power and our unique capabilities among the denizens of Hell but none of us have ever gone against Heaven's army, or an an archangel for that matter, and humiliated them so utterly. Father at best is as strong as a Sin, but even he wouldn't dare face Archangel Michelle."
"So that's it then? Thousands of years and now we're just going to let this upstart plebian destroy how things are supposed to work? You're going lay on your back and let this little fuck, fuck you? Why am I not surprised you'd allow this."
"Here we go," Octavia knew what was coming and hated it.
"This has nothing to do-"
"It has everything to do with this, imp sucker!"
"Shrew!"
"Hahahaha! Are you a fucking child?! What kind-"
"Overstuffed Thanksgiving Dinner!"
"HOW DARE YOU!"
Octavia tried to make herself as invisible as she could as her parents, once again, began their loud daily bickering.
"Stella, if you don't like it then leave! No one's forcing you to stay here," Stolas had enough.
"Smartest thing you've ever said!" Stella rose from her seat, "But mark my words, this isn't the end of this!"
The Goetia were he nobles of Hell. There was no way she, nor others of her kind, would allow such an individual to come along and change how things were. How things were supposed to be. If she had to take matters into her own hands because her imp bitch of a husband lacked the spine and balls to do something about it, Stella would take matters into her own hands.
(Meanwhile)
"Fucken bastard-ah!-No good-oh-sexy sack of shit!" Velvet's eyes were glowing red as she looked at the screen on her phone, a picture of Naruto was on it, "How could you do-oh, God!- this to me you fucking stuuuuuuddd!"
Velvet finally reached her climax.
"I thought I was the one with the sick kinks," a voice laughed.
"DAMN IT VALENTINO! FUCKING KNOCK!" Velvette covered herself.
"I did," especially after the unpleasantness that occurred the last time he entered without doing so, "You were too busy fucking yourself to notice. Still have the hots for the Angelslayer, even after he turned your ass red?"
As the moth overlord laughed, Velvette had hellfire in her eyes and she was tempted to rip off his newly regenerated arm and beat him with it. A month later and Valentino and countless others still laughed whenever they brought up the video of her being spanked, before it was taken down by Vox, though some had managed to download said video before the TV Demon did so it still popped up every now and then. Much to Vox's displeasure. But Velvet didn't doubt he had a copy himself for shits and giggles.
Velvet had been torn. For one, it humiliated her to no end and her rep had taken a serious hit, and that of the Vees in general, the latter being the main reason why Vox was pissed.
Two, it was the most-watched video on the internet, and countless memes and remixes had since come into being as a result. Three, it left Velvet conflicted and erratic with her feelings towards the Angelslayer. She hated him as much as she lusted after him. The reasons for the latter part were unknown to her. Or so she claimed.
Valentino merely called her a masochist. Pure and simple. A statement Velvet denied despite it fitting the bill.
"Get dressed. Or don't. I don't care," Vox would but Valentino didn't give a shit, "Vox said he has good news."
"'Bout what?"
"Didn't tell me. Just said to get you and then meet him in the lounge," Valentino frowned at the secrecy.
"Damn flat-faced prick," Velvet knew from experience that Vox usually did this as a form of power fix.
They were allies, but their relationship wasn't the healthiest at times. And were it not for how they made their contracts they'd have killed one another for their own benefit if the opportunity arose. Valentino's stunt at the hotel had been a prime example.
The Vees were partners but that didn't mean each of them considered themselves equals. Vox considered himself the smartest of the group. Velvet was the backbone and savviest. And Valentino was the most ruthless and dangerous.
As a result of their monopolies in Pride, their combined assets made them the overlords who owned the most souls in the Pride Ring.
Well, that was Valentino's opinion, if she was honest. Not every overlord made themselves known according to Vox. Some remained behind the scenes with little to no knowledge on who they were, or where they were, and what they did.
One was lucky to hear a whisper of them.
Alastor had been one such individual before the infamous Radio Demon made himself known for all of Hell.
And despite not having as many souls to his name compared to the Vees, despite being in Hell longer than the group, Alastor was still a powerful and feared demon.
Having a large amount of souls to one's name didn't automatically make them more powerful than others. Oh, it boosted their power and influence greatly, but how that power was used depended on the individual. Some sinners, much like hellborn demons, were simply blessed with superior power and talent.
And Alastor was an enigma ever since he arrived in Hell for he wielded strange powers that, from what Vox claimed, were usually reserved to hellborn on the upper rank of the hierarchy. Alastor's strange and unique abilities as a sinner were only outdone by the Angelslayer.
And both were chummy with the Princess of Hell. Velvet knew that something had to be done about that. Alastor was bad enough. The man always had some hidden agenda, according to Vox. Any deal made with the Princess of Hell by him wasn't going to end well for anyone he saw as an enemy.
Alastor lived for entertainment. And him seeing the Vees fall from grace would be considered one of the greatest forms of entertainment in all of Hell.
"You done yet?" Valentino's call cut her from her musings, "Seriously, my sluts dress faster than you."
"Fucken hang on," Velvet told the moth sinner before she added the finishing touches before she and Valentino left to go and see Vox.
Both watched as the souls within their employ gave the overlords a wide berth all the way to the conference room where they spotted a smiling Vox speaking with the press. Beside him was-
"Angel Dust?!" Valentino was heard asking.
Velvet blinked. It was true, the individual looked very much so like Angel Dust. But this wasn't Angel Dust.
"Ah, Velvet. Valentino. Please take a seat. As I was just telling everyone we've acquired a new talent for your studio, Val. Say hello, to your newest star: Molly," Vox introduced the woman before handing over a signed contract.
"...Ohohahahaha!" Valentino couldn't help the red smoke that escaped from him, "Welcome, my dear. I expect great things from you."
Velvet stood still from where she was standing. This was either going to end very well or very badly. She prayed it wasn't the latter.
This was Angel Dust's twin sister after all.
Legend of the Kyuubi
Getting out there.
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Chapter 6: Consequences
If one were to ask Ana, eldest daughter of Carmilla Carmine, and one of the oldest and most powerful overlords in Hell, where life would take her after she woke up in Hell, never in a million year did the thought of her being in a three-way relationship with not only an immensely powerful sinner - easily the most powerful in the history of Hell! - but also the most powerful of the archangels - the King of Hell's eldest sibling to boot! - ever cross her mind.
Yet it happened regardless.
Life, or the after life in this case, had a funny way of throwing curveballs. And given this was Hell of all places, it could have been a heck of a lot worse. So Ana learned to roll with it. Out of both of them, Blanca was the one who didn't adapt as well as she like her mother wanted things to remain organized. Sure, she knew how to adapt but adapting to things as ludicrous as this was well out of her comfort zone.
Ana by contrast had always merely shrugged and just went with it. Besides, waking up with her head nestled between the incredibly tall heavenly being's breasts was a heck of a sight to see in the morning.
"Damn these are soft," seriously, it was like sleeping on the fluffiest of pillows!
And those who knew Heaven's Greatest Warrior would attest that archangel Michelle was anything but soft. The woman was incredibly fit and had a body that was to die for and her dedication to fitness was likely only matched by Satan himself. Not that Naruto wasn't into fitness himself - one would be fortunate to do even a tenth of what he could do!- but it was clear that their shared angelic lover was more into physical fitness by comparison. Naruto trained on things that fancied him.
So to see her in bed instead of training was quite surprising. Usually she'd be training with Naruto and sometimes Karlach, the latter put on a brave face but being a hellborn all three knew she the archangel still unsettled the incredibly tall imp. Speaking of said imp, Ana was still kicking herself for not recording Karlach's reaction when she saw Michelle for the first time. Then again, Ana had been riding Heaven's Greatest Warrior's face while Naruto turned Ana's throat into a cocksleeve while a clone was wrecking the archangel's womb.
Karlach was no prude, she had walked in on Ana doing similar things when ordered by her mother to collect her. But seeing her, Naruto and Michelle romping like crazy apparently left her stunned. The poor mercenary/bodyguard had developed a new shade of red when it was clear the three had no intention of stopping despite her inadvertent interruption. Ana's failed attempt to have her join them ended being the excuse the imp needed to leave behind an afterimage of flaming dust.
"Too bad," Ana pouted, a tad disappointed at the memory. Karlach had been known to have some wild fun of her own but apparently even she had limits.
One wouldn't know just by looking at her but Karlach had very talented fingers. Ana couldn't prove it but she was fairly certain the imp had rubbed one out after her swift retreat. It really was unfortunate. Ana would have loved to see those fingers in action. Just thinking about it had Ana subconsciously rub herself against the sleeping angel she was on top of.
"Mmm."
"Oh, sorry!"
"Don't stop on my account," was Michelle's coy response.
"Eep!" Ana squeaked as Michelle grabbed a handful of her ass and brought her in for a kiss.
"Mhm," was Michelle's response before they separated, "What -hah- time is it?"
Ana blushed. The Devil's older sister looked damn cute when she yawned, "A little past nine."
Michelle blinked but otherwise remained in bed, "Did Naruto-"
"He and Karlach left for their job."
"Oh," Michelle frowned but shrugged, "Any idea when he's back?"
Ana shook her head.
"Then you're gonna need to make up for it," Michelle's eyes and manic grin equally served to scrarouse the sinner demon.
Ana was honestly still a bit tired and sore. Having the Angelslayer and Right Hand of God as her lovers - man that was still weird to think about - would do that. Their stamina was insane.
"Can't we just cuddle?" Ana tried asking instead.
The evil perverted look in Michelle's eye said it all.
"Be gentle," Ana managed to squeak out but Michelle's laugh told Ana what God's Eldest thought of that.
(Earth - Spring Break - Day Six)
"How hard it is to learn how to make a human disguise?"
"Not very," Karlach reminded, "'Bout a day or three tops. A week if you really, really bungle the job. And on the off chance you somehow can't pull it off there's artifacts you can buy to do it for you. Cost a pretty penny but they aren't ridiculously expensive unless you go with models that come with extra features. Black market versions are less expensive but-"
"Ya get what you pay for?" Naruto added.
"Top marks," said the disguised imp.
Her human form was still considerably tall and her skin was tan as though she spent most of her days labouring in the sun and she had a scar on the right topmost part of her head where her broken horn normally was, though most of it was covered by her hair. Unlike most of the women present, Karlach wore dark ripped leather pants, and a short open biker jacket that revealed a tight black sports bra.
Naruto by comparison looked the same he did as a human - in his Oiroke no Jutsu form, mind you - but with a considerable height difference of one foot and his hair was shorter and styled similarly to the female demon form. His whisker marks gave him an exotic look and more than once did it catch the attention of the humans: male and female.
And the succubi and incubi, too.
The former he was fine with, the latter not so much. Fortunately, they spent most of their time targeting humans, though Karlach's friend Verosika made it quite clear she was intrigued by him. Naruto didn't miss Loona's not so subtle glances, too.
Damn unique magnetism!
"Where's Loonie?!
"Look!"
Naruto and Karlach felt their eyes twitch at the absurd stupidity that unfolded before them. One would think they'd be used to it after six days but twas not to be.
Six days.
Six days of pure agony having to watch over incompetent assassins. Sure, their killing skills were decent but that was it. The fact they hadn't gotten caught was a combination of sheer fucking luck and Naruto having to cover their asses.
The imps and hellhound thought they were so clever taking their targets to secluded areas - Naruto begrudgingly applauded them for at least doing that! - but more than once were the disguised sinner and imp forced to cover their colleagues' asses. Karlach had no reservations when it came to ending human lives, usually doing it with a quick and precise neck twist or shoving a broken bottle or needle in a vital spot if they pissed her off. Being hellborn her view of human lives was quite different compared to Naruto's.
Naruto by contrast was a lot more subtle, but if he could, Naruto knocked out any witnesses and with a few seals and scene manipulation made it look like they imagined things. If only he knew genjutsu, it would have made things a heck of a lot easier. But it regrettably remained a skill Naruto never managed to grasp. The skill would would have been great to hide their deeds and fooling humans.
It was Spring Break after all, which was this reality's equivalent of Golden Week - though apparently a country called Japan whose culture was most similar to his own also had it - so drugs, booze, and bad decisions went hand in hand.
Speaking of bad decisions.
Naruto's thoughts drifted as he watched the humans cavort around them. It was like their kind had a homing beacon for trouble. And speaking of trouble.
"What is it?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
"Douchebags approaching," Karlach said, nodding towards a group of obnoxiously loud and clearly under the influence college kids staggering their way.
Naruto groaned, "Again?"
"They're persistent, I'll give them that," Karlach smirked, her tail would be swishing with amusement if it weren't hidden by her disguise.
"They're annoying as Hell," Naruto groused.
"What, don't like the flirting, soldier?" Karlach laughed as he gave her the evil eye.
The women flirting with him he was fine with. It was the men that annoyed him. But then, Naruto anticipated that might occur while disguised as a woman.
"Probably should rethink this whole disguise," then again, given what he was seeing that might not change much.
The group of college students was of mixed backgrounds, but what they had in common was them clearly being under the influence of various substances. It was a scene Karlach, being a demon from Hell, was used to. Naruto, however, not so much. Sure, during his time as a human, he cut loose every now and then, but this was way too excessive for his taste.
"Looks like it's showtime," Karlach quipped as she finished her drink, throwing away the empty flask into the sand.
Naruto sighed, "Can we not?"
"They're the ones who picked this battlefield, soldier," she pointed out, her eyes gleaming with mischief.
Moments later the group left with more than their share of bruises, cuts and a good amount of crying.
"What a let down," Karlach huffed, annoyed at being denied a good fight.
"At least you didn't break any bones this time," whenever she did, Naruto noticed said bones would pierce out of the skin.
Humans of this reality were surprisingly fragile. And most were horny and crude and assholes for some reason.
"I was tempted when one of 'em got cheeky enough to grab my ass. Lucky for her she was hot and flashed her tits," and those beauties were all natural, "We're meeting up later."
"You have no problem killing humans but you're also fine sleeping with them?"
"Did you not see those tits?"
"Shut up," Naruto did see them. A step down from Hinata's and Michelle - then again the Eldest of the Godborn was over 10 feet tall - but Naruto could not deny they were nice. Then again, explains why said women was walking away with a sway of her hips, even if she wasn't wearing her bikini top.
"LOONIE?!"
"The fuck's wrong with him now?" Karlach frowned as she saw their boss - without a disguise! - run around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Sure, everyone present were on drugs and alcohol - and those that weren't would likely think they slipped something to rationalize it - so they'd think they were tripping or drunk out of their gourd. But come on!
"I get being worried for your kids but this is embarrassing," being a hovering parent, or helicopter parent as it was called here, for a hellhound in her early twenties was a tad much, "Come on. Gotta stop him."
"I'll get my axe."
"Without killing him."
"Freakin' killjoy," Karlach muttered as they began pushing through the crowd.
(Meanwhile)
"Angel. We're about to-"
"Go away," was the instant reply.
"Al-Alright, we'll be downstairs if-"
"Bitch, fuck off!" Cherri Bomb told her before closing the door once more with a wham.
Charlie winced and became saddened but left the sinner and his friend be.
"Still not coming out?" Vaggie asked at the end of the hall once Charlie came into view.
"Can you blame him?" Charlie asked somberly.
Vaggie sighed but shook her head, "Can't say I can."
Angel hadn't taken the news well upon learning that his sister, his twin - and boy did that come as a shock - was now the new 'talent' of the Vees.
When the former porn star learned that his twin, and in Angel Dust's own words, the only good thing to come from his family, was announced as the Vees newest star, the sinner had gone ballistic. The tv never stood a chance. But that was to be expected when it was riddled with bullets from an angelic gun. The spider sinner's rage hadn't subsided however. Days later the lounge area was still littered with bullet holes and destroyed furniture by his intense reaction. It had taken three of them to stop him and even then that wasn't enough such was his anger. It was only when Alastor used his umbrakinesis to bind him was Angel fully subdued. Why Alastor decided to do so confused Vaggie. The Radio Demon made it no secret of his love for chaotic entertainment.
Since then - after confiscating Valentino's former gun - Angel had holed himself up in his room and so far the only one that Angel allowed to enter his room was his friend Cherri Bomb. The female sinner had rushed over - destroying the front entrance with an explosion in the process - the moment she learned and ever since she'd been his guard dog.
"How's the kid?" Husk asked and got his answer just by looking at Charlie and her lover, and he sighed but said nothing.
"Charlie, do you think your dad might-"
"I could try, but we both know dad will never get involved," it was no secret to Charlie about her father's dislike of sinners.
"What about your aunt?"
"My aunt? Why...Oh! Her sword!" Charlie felt like kicking herself for forgetting and it dawned on her, "Auntie Michelle's sword!"
"Bingo."
"I'll just go get her and-"
"Haha! I'm surprised at you, Charlie," the jovial voice of Alastor suddenly rang and from the shadows rose the infamous Radio Demon, "The Vees are fools but even fools can learn from their mistakes. It's not going to be that simple this time."
"What do you mean? Grab sword, chop contract, Angel Dust's sister is free, Angel's happy, everyone lives happily ever after, right?"
Husk deadpanned and reminded, "We're in Hell. If this is happily ever after, then I'm a gargoyle."
"You know what she meant," retorted an annoyed Vaggie.
"So sorry, my dear. But it's futile. While we now know that Lady Michelle's sword can sever soul-binding contracts, Hell is full of individuals whose goal in life was finding ways to circumnavigate loopholes their clients didn't know existed."
"Fucking lawyers," Husk groused. Even in death, they found ways to fuck you over.
"Precisely. While many existing contracts are luckily untouchable, my old pal will have ensured new ones are airtight. Especially our only resident's dear sister."
"So we kill him," Vaggie stated matter-of-factly.
"Vaggie-"
"Hun, I love you, and I love that you see the goodness in everyone but-"
"A poor and ill-fated sentiment in my opinion, though much as I'd like to agree with our resident exorcist-"
"Former!"
"-it won't end as you'd hoped."
"What do you mean?"
"As I was in the process of explaining before being so rudely interrupted - something you must work on, my dear. It's a rather nasty habit - " Alastor grinned while Vaggie growled, "killing him will do no good. I have it on good authority that the contract will simply transfer to one of the other Vees. And I also have it on good authority that the Vees have more than enough power to invoke the death clause."
"Don't doubt it," Husk said after finishing a swing.
"Death clause?" Charlie asked, ignorant of its meaning.
"Fucks sakes. Didn't mommy and daddy teach you anything about soul contracts?" Husk nearly choked on his drink when Charlie revealed her ignorance but rolled his eyes at her despondent look, "It's a sadistic clause, but one that requires a fuck-ton of power to even use. Basically, if the contract holder kicks the buckets - and I'm talking permadeath - so does anyone under their heel and boot with that clause."
"Precisely. And the Vees have just enough power and influence to invoke it," it was more common with Ars Goetia but overlords with as many souls and power to their name, like the Vees, who were powerful enough to rival them could use such a clause in a select number of contracts.
"And we also don't know for sure if they have a clause that enacts it if someone tries to forcibly break it, do we?" Vaggie added.
"Precisely. Commendable as your desire to rescue our effeminate fellow's damsel in distress sister, it may be all for naught. Then again, who knows? Maybe the clause isn't used," grinned the overlord.
"It is."
"Cherri?"
"You shit heads wanna know why Angie's worse than I've ever seen 'im? Molly was the only good thing he had in life, his anchor. The only decent person in his family that should have gone topside," Cherri then swiped something on a phone, and each of them - except Alastor - received a message alert, "Here. Fuckin' moth sent it to him. Bloody prick."
With her piece said, Cherri left and went back to Angel's room and the group read the attachment they received and the ill news that came with it.
"Shit," cursed Charlie; Vaggie nodded alongside her with a deep frown.
There it was in black and white: the Death Clause.
"Oh, my, quite the contract," Alastor commented.
"In other words, kid's twin's fucked," Husk grabbed another bottle after glancing at the picture.
"Not necessarily."
"Alastor?"
"Any contract, no matter how insidiously airtight as it appears, my dear, always has a loophole. One merely needs intellect and a creative mind to find it."
"Great! I mean, not great, really, but, anyway! Alastor, you know more about this than me. Think you could find one?" Charlie asked him.
"I could. Will I? No," was his answer.
"What?!" Vaggie's wings appeared; she was pissed.
"My dear, my role is the manager of this charming institution, not its advocate. I offered my services solely for the hotel and entertainment. Unfortunate as it is for him, our sole resident's sister isn't a resident. This isn't our problem," was his reasoning.
"Angel Dust's problem is our problem, Alastor," said Charlie.
"Much as I wan't to disagree, he's got a point. It ain't our problem. You sell yourself, you gotta live with the shit that comes from it, no matter how bad you wanna take it back," was Husk's sombre advice.
"Well put, Husker. I'm sorry, my dear, but if you want to free - Molly, was it? - then you'll have to so without me...That is, of course, unless you can persuade me otherwise," Alastor's smile said it all.
"Absolutely not! Charlie, we can figure this out. Come on, let's look it over ourselves," under no circumstances was Vaggie going to let Alastor convince Charlie into making a deal.
But as they left to figure out an attack plan, Alastor's grin remained and from the subtle look Charlie sent him while Vaggie was distracted, he knew the seed of doubt was taking root.
XxXxX
"WE FUCKING WON!"
Naruto's felt his eyes twitch once more as the members of I.M.P. celebrated their victory.
Well, two celebrated. One was drunk out of his mind and the other was trying to be flirty with-Oooh, she just learned he had a girlfriend.
Queue kicked puppy look!
Anyway, his eyes twitched because of the manner they won. Karlach couldn't give a fuck. A win was a win in her mind. Even if they lost it suited her just as well as it meant they were done with this bullshit and were once step closer to accomplishing their goal. Most importantly, it meant they could go back home.
"Karlach, Kush! Get your tight asses in here!" Blitzo, his head pocking out from the portal told his newest employees.
Karlarch growled at the comment and gave the popstar an apologetic look but Verosika was too pissed to do anything but walk off the beach with her group.
And they were shortly arrested by police for being sick degenerates.
"Ohoho, man, this day just keep gettin' better!" Blitzo laughed but then squeaked when Karlach kicked his head so she could jump in.
"You coming, soldier?"
"Give me a minute, I'll catch up," Naruto told her.
Karlarch merely shrugged and jumped down and the portal closed behind her.
Naruto sighed and then deadpanned when the police loaded the succubi, incubi and hellhound into their vehicles and then they all drove off. Leaving the many corpses and one giant dead kaiju like catfish on the beach. This dimension had one seriously messed up version of Earth.
"Meh, least it makes this next part easier," Naruto's eyes closed before his form shimmered back into his male appearance and activated Old Man Sage's power. The blond then formed a barrier that spread across the beach to stop others from seeing what he was going to do next. On the off chance that the policemen were just incompetent - immensely incompetent, in his honest opinion - Naruto didn't want others to see what was going to happen.
His hand was outstretched and several seals appeared on the ground that lit up like glimmering gold. From them appeared the bodies of the many people I.M.P. killed during the contest. Many were in various states of death. Some were simple like bullet in the head. Others had their skills crushed and some were bifurcated and slashed vertically down the middle, and others had sex toys lodged down their throats or shoved so far up their ass it piercing their guts.
Blitzo could get real nasty but inventive when he was drunk.
But all of this to say didn't sit well with Naruto. He was a shinobi, yes, but killing innocents - even if they weren't upstanding given their debauchery - went against what he stood for. It was why the only ones Naruto personally killed during Spring Break were those who deserved it and felt were beyond second chances: rapists, serial killers.
Naruto was more than happy to end their lives and send them to Hell.
But the deaths of those who had a chance to turn their lives around or didn't deserve death, Naruto had plans for them. It wasn't something he did often. It left him heavily drained and weakened but Naruto felt it was worth it. Could it have repercussions here? Maybe, most likely, he wasn't totally sure, to be honest.
But Naruto didn't care. These people deserved to live.
Fortunately, they'd just think their deaths was a bad trip.
And as Naruto opened his eyes once more, the tomoe and ripple-like patterns Sasuke passed onto him before his death moved with authority, "Gedō — Rinne Tensei no Jutsu (Outer Path — Saṃsāra of Heavenly Life Technique)!"
XxXxX
Saint Peter sighed, mentally, as more and more people began to appear at the Gates of Heaven. Peter liked his job but there were two things that annoyed him the most: an extremely large crowd suddenly gathering during his break time, and being asked what the Son of God was like.
"Poor Christ. Dude still won't come out in public," all because Judas got drunk and pissed at Christ for not paying the bill at the last supper, "And that idiot Paul just had to tweak things just to make sure his book became a best seller."
Christ wasn't an introvert but the tanned carpenter turned healer from Nazareth valued his peace and privacy. Paul's advertising of his deeds and claiming him as the Son of God, which he had never been, made him uncomfortably popular. Well, it worked in the end. The bible was the most sold and popular book in existence. Even if it was mostly fictional and inaccurate.
Archangels were the highest order, not the lowest. Then again, that was referring to the seven original archangels - known as the Godborn - who were of the Almighty's own blood while those that came after were more honorary titles given to different angels on the hierarchy than actual rank. But say something often enough and long enough and people will see it as truth, regardless of the reality.
Case in point: Adam was called an archangel but try to explain to the First Man that it was just a title and the man and his attack dogs got pissed.
Why the higher ups believed Adam was deserving of the title despite how he acted and what he did befuddled Peter but the former human wasn't one to openly question their will. Why they decided that he should be in charge of Extermination Day - Peter being one of the rare handful in the know - also confused him. It was no secret that Adam immensely disliked the inhabitants of Hell given his dislike for Lucifer and Lilith and their actions. It was why before the new terms that were made seven years ago, Adam and his exterminators had frequented Hell for centuries and targeted anyone regardless if they were sinner or hellborn - except the nobles and the Sins, Adam had learned that lesson the hard way after getting his ass handed to him by Paimon and his legions - before a deal was made between Heaven and Hell so only sinners were targeted.
Which probably wouldn't have happened had Adam not decided to be the big douche that he was 10,000 years ago and ordered Lilith - who was made to be his equal! - to be subservient to him, essentially causing a snowball effect that led to the creation of Hell. But then, Adam had always thought highly of himself to the point that as the First Man - the Original Dick, as he sometimes called himself - he could do no wrong.
Just thinking about that made Peter want to down an entire bottle of wine. Not that people in heaven could get drunk on alcohol of divine origin. Even more so as people seemed to multiply by the dozens.
"Well, no time like the prese-Huh?" Peter rubbed his eyes as he looked at the crowd once more, "Wasn't there more of them?"
Peter dismissed the nothing as nothing more than being overworked and his mind playing tricks, "Welcome, dear soul. Name please?"
"Jess-"
Peter fought back a sigh. What was with the newer generation and not giving their full name? "Jess what?"
"..."
"My dear-" Peter was blinking when silent when he saw the winner wasn't in front of him. In fact, a dozen of them began disappearing before his eyes.
"What the fu-"
XxXxX
"What do you mean they disappeared?!" Sera demanded the Gatekeeper of Heaven.
"I-I don't know how to be clearer than that," Peter gulped. He and Sera were on good terms and had a friendly relationship, but she was still his superior. And when Sera was angry or upset - which didn't happen often unless Adam was involved - she could be quite frightening.
"Sera, calm down-"
"I can't be calm, Emily. Souls under our authority vanished! Since Heaven first began accepting mortal souls nothing like this has ever happened before," and it was true. The only time a soul in Heaven left was if they were banished, and except for the incident 10,000 years ago that resulted in the creation of Hell, and her, those were exceptionally rare incidents, "Peter, are you certain of what you saw? This isn't one of Lord Gabriel's tricks?"
"Pft!" a voice from the corner snorted, and all three of them gazed upon the First Man and Lute, "My man Gab's willing to pull a lot of sh-crap."
With Emily nearby along with Sera's narrowed eyes, Adam was forced to keep his vulgarity down to a minimum. Even then that wasn't a guarantee.
"What makes you think that?"
"Okay, look, Gab's the kinda of guy that'll drive ya nuts with his pranks, but even the former God of Mischief has his standards compared to the old days," and Adam spoke from experience. It was why during the an early era of humanity that he was dubbed the God of Mischief, adopting the persona Loki. Though even then Gabriel admitted that some of his exploits went a little too far.
"I'll remind you not to refer to Lord Gabriel with such blasphemy," Sera reminded with sharp eyes. Even if it was more of title she saw it as highly improper. There was only one God in her mind and that was the Almighty.
Adam waved it off but said nothing otherwise.
"Could this be the work of the hellspawn?" Lute inquired, face narrowed and pointed.
"Not possible. The Sins might be able to pop up outside the Gates of Saint Peter but the Holy Father's protection prevents them from doing anything," Sera reminded Adam's lieutenant, "No demon can do what you're suggesting."
"Except maybe one," those in the know recalled.
Even though Lucifer had been banished 10,000 years ago to Hell along with his wife and several others during the aftermath of the Morningstar Rebellion, the Wayward Son of God was still a literal son of God. Archangel Michelle was the strongest of her siblings but Lucifer had been the most magically gifted of the Godborn. In other words, the King of Hell still had considerable power well above the other Sins, even if he mostly appeared to use them on duck making hobbies.
"Lady Urielle," Lute began but deadpanned as they all saw her sleeping.
"So...Who's gonna wake her?" Peter asked.
"Not it!" Sera, Lute, Adam, and Emily all said at once.
Waking up a sleeping archangel, especially when said archangel was Urielle, wasn't without some form of risk.
"Should I be worried?"
"We'll pray for ya, dude," Adam gave Peter a thumbs up and then took out his phone.
"Oh, boy," Peter could tell this was not only going to suck but hurt too. Worse, this was definitely gonna end up on the Seven Heavens' social media platform.
Quack!
Quack!
Quack!
"Huh? Wha?" Urielle snorted, woking up from her slumber curtesy of her phone.
"Oh, you thank you, God!" Saint Peter praised his Creator.
"Well, that blows," Adam pouted. He was hoping for something funny. A drop kick, a chokehold, a shoryuken, or at least something good!
Quack!
Quack!
Quack!
"What's with the ringtone?" Emily inquired curiously.
Urielle eyed her phone part-annoyed and part-nervous. Only one being in the universe had that stupid ring tone. It couldn't be a coincidence that he, of all beings, was calling her given the conversation they held. She might have been sleeping but she heard bits and pieces all the same.
"Is that-" Peter began, but a quick click from Urielle confirmed his suspicions.
"What do you want, Lucifer?"
"ARE YOU GUYS FUCKIN' WITH ME?!"
"Gonna need to be more specific on what Gabe did this time," Urielle and Sera sighed at her youngest brother's antics.
Close as they were, even after his fall, Gabriel could still get on Lucifer's nerves and wasn't exempt from his practical jokes.
"What have you done with my souls?!"
The entire room blinked and looked at one another, confused and in the case of others annoyed by the accusation.
"...Come again?"
"Look, I don't give a shit what you hundred foot pole up your asses do topside BUT STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY KINGDOM!"
Lucifer might not give a flying rat queef about sinners but it didn't meant he didn't care for Heaven interfering with what he and Lilith built.
"Woah, hold on!"
"Adam, I say this with all due respect," there was a blatant and obvious lie if they ever heard one, except for Emily, "but take your tiny baby dick and shove it up your ass!"
"YOU FUCKING SAY THAT TO MY-"
"He already hung up," Urielle told the First Man.
"GOD DAMN IT!"
"ADAM!" Sera's face blazed with fury, her wings held many eyes and her form brimming with righteous divinity, "You will never - ever! - use our Lord's name in vein again!"
Adam gulped. As a favorite of God he could get away with a lot of things even with Sera being his superior but using the Big Man's name in such a way was a big f-ing no even for him. And judging by the looks he was getting - even from Lute of all people! - Adam quickly realized he crossed a line.
"Do I make myself clear?" Sera asked.
"Crystal! Couldn't be clearer!" Adam quickly rose his hands up in surrounding.
Fucking Lucifer for getting him riled up.
Sera quickly calmed herself, her form turning back to its usual appearance before she addressed the group, "Now then. It would appear Hell's also having trouble with their souls disappearing. Lady Urielle?"
"Hmm?"
"Could you or the other Godborn think of any reason why this happening?" aside from Lucifer, of course.
Urielle didn't respond immediately and elected to instead rubbed her tired eyes before looking popping up a screen that held data relevant to their present situation. Urielly typed in some sequences too fast for most to follow and understand, but her eyes narrowed and frowned, "Peter."
"Yes, Lady Urielle?"
"Those souls that disappeared. You sure they're dead?"
The question confused the gatekeeper, "What? Of course! The ones that didn't disappear appeared in the book."
"Did you happen to get their names?"
"Uh, well, only a few before they vanished," Peter answered honestly, "There was Gustav Ankovic, Sarah Peterman, and Francesco Woodcock."
"Pft. Woodcock," Adam snickered at the name.
Urielle rolled her eyes at Adam's immaturity and typed in the names. Within seconds her eyes were blinking, "You sure those were the names?"
"Pretty sure?" after doing this for well over two thousand years, Peter had developed a near photographic memory when it came to remembering the names of those who entered the Seven Heavens.
"Okay, because according to this, they're alive," Urielle revealed to the group.
Emily however, didn't see a big deal, "Isn't that a good thing?"
"One or two souls appearing in Heaven while on the border between life and death isn't unheard of, Emily. But the amount we received is well above the norm. Peter, how many were at the gates before they vanished?"
"At least three dozen, fifty at most. Maybe more. I left some through...Uh-oh," Peter quickly opened his book and sure enough his fears were warranted, "Oh, fuck!"
"What now?" Sera could already feel an Adam-inducing headache coming along.
"I left two dozen souls go through the gates before this happened. But the book doesn't have their names anymore!"
"That's impossible. The moment a mortal soul passes the gate there is no going back unless Dad let's them," Urielle declared.
"Maybe the Almighty deemed it wasn't their time?" Emily said cheerfully.
.
..
...
"Bwahahahahahahaha!" except for Emily, all of them laughed, even Sera snickered at the idea.
"Oh, oh, my sides," Peter gasped.
"Bwahahahaha," Adam was on the ground pounding the floor with his fist while Lute did the same with the wall.
"Dad? Get involved! Pft! Good one. Dad hasn't done that in forever. Chances of maybe one mortal soul getting sent back by him are ten times lower than winning the lottery, but over half a hundred souls?"
"Lady Urielle speaks true. Granted, the Almighty works in mysterious ways-"
Snort! was the sound Urielle made.
"-but I have to believe that he'd choose souls more worthy than these."
"She's not wrong. I glanced at their life records. Enough to enter Heaven but nothing really all that noteworthy to warrant reincarnation or being sent back," Urielle informed the trio.
"Reincarnation is a thing?" Emily didn't know that, and as as seraphim - junior seraph, mind you! - she had privileged access many in Heaven lacked.
"Ever heard of Buddha? He was one of the rare few souls who got lucky to have the reincarnation thing going for him. Lucky prick," Adam muttered the last part.
"Focus," Urielle told him and her eyes narrowed behind her glasses, "Huh, hold on, it says here these mortals all died in the same place. Okay, let's see here."
Emily along with a few blinked as they saw Uriel take out a great rainbow colored orb, "What's that?"
"A special scrying orb. Let's us see what's happened in the present and past," Urielle explained
"What about the future?"
"Only mom and dad have that kind of power," Urielle frowned at her words.
Powerful as God and Goddess were, Urielle recalled that her parents had come to greatly dislike using the ability. God had gotten paranoid in the past after using it too many times to ensure things ran smoothly, especially after the creation of Hell and evil being unleashed. But ultimately he came to realize there were some things even he would never have total control over regardless of what he did.
"I'm a seraphim. How could I never know such a thing existed?" Emily asked in awe.
"It was below you pay grade, kiddo," Urielle told her.
"Sera, I want a raised."
"Denied," no way was Emily, sweet, kind, wears her heart on her sleeve Emily, ready for that kind of responsibility and the hardships it entailed.
Even Sera desired ignorance on certain things she learned.
And as the group gazed upon the orb and witnessed what they saw, Sera would come to wish that even more.
XxXxX
Naruto sighed as he finally reach the hotel. Dead tired - no pun intended. The blond was glad he could use the technique to bring those people back to life but the energy drain was immense. Naruto had fought without rest for three and a half days straight in the war using many high powered techniques and going from battlefield to battlefield in various countries.
That was a walk in the park by comparison.
Bringing back a deceased life went against the natural order of things, such techniques were highly demanding and costly, usually a life for a life. It was only thanks to his unique lineage and Old Man Sage's power along with Kurama's that he didn't die when he used it. Actually, thinking about it made Naruto realize how it would work since he was already dead?
"Meh, who cares," Naruto shrugged.
Such thoughts could wait a day, or three, such was his fatigue. It had taken him hours before he could move again without suffering from vertigo and limp limbs.
"Yo, I'm-ack!"
The afterlife, however, wasn't so kind.
"What. did. you. do?!" demanded a voice Naruto had not heard in quite some time.
Death was back. And boy was he pissed.
And this time, Naruto had no way of fighting back.
If one were to ask Ana, eldest daughter of Carmilla Carmine, and one of the oldest and most powerful overlords in Hell, where life would take her after she woke up in Hell, never in a million year did the thought of her being in a three-way relationship with not only an immensely powerful sinner - easily the most powerful in the history of Hell! - but also the most powerful of the archangels - the King of Hell's eldest sibling to boot! - ever cross her mind.
Yet it happened regardless.
Life, or the after life in this case, had a funny way of throwing curveballs. And given this was Hell of all places, it could have been a heck of a lot worse. So Ana learned to roll with it. Out of both of them, Blanca was the one who didn't adapt as well as she like her mother wanted things to remain organized. Sure, she knew how to adapt but adapting to things as ludicrous as this was well out of her comfort zone.
Ana by contrast had always merely shrugged and just went with it. Besides, waking up with her head nestled between the incredibly tall heavenly being's breasts was a heck of a sight to see in the morning.
"Damn these are soft," seriously, it was like sleeping on the fluffiest of pillows!
And those who knew Heaven's Greatest Warrior would attest that archangel Michelle was anything but soft. The woman was incredibly fit and had a body that was to die for and her dedication to fitness was likely only matched by Satan himself. Not that Naruto wasn't into fitness himself - one would be fortunate to do even a tenth of what he could do!- but it was clear that their shared angelic lover was more into physical fitness by comparison. Naruto trained on things that fancied him.
So to see her in bed instead of training was quite surprising. Usually she'd be training with Naruto and sometimes Karlach, the latter put on a brave face but being a hellborn all three knew she the archangel still unsettled the incredibly tall imp. Speaking of said imp, Ana was still kicking herself for not recording Karlach's reaction when she saw Michelle for the first time. Then again, Ana had been riding Heaven's Greatest Warrior's face while Naruto turned Ana's throat into a cocksleeve while a clone was wrecking the archangel's womb.
Karlach was no prude, she had walked in on Ana doing similar things when ordered by her mother to collect her. But seeing her, Naruto and Michelle romping like crazy apparently left her stunned. The poor mercenary/bodyguard had developed a new shade of red when it was clear the three had no intention of stopping despite her inadvertent interruption. Ana's failed attempt to have her join them ended being the excuse the imp needed to leave behind an afterimage of flaming dust.
"Too bad," Ana pouted, a tad disappointed at the memory. Karlach had been known to have some wild fun of her own but apparently even she had limits.
One wouldn't know just by looking at her but Karlach had very talented fingers. Ana couldn't prove it but she was fairly certain the imp had rubbed one out after her swift retreat. It really was unfortunate. Ana would have loved to see those fingers in action. Just thinking about it had Ana subconsciously rub herself against the sleeping angel she was on top of.
"Mmm."
"Oh, sorry!"
"Don't stop on my account," was Michelle's coy response.
"Eep!" Ana squeaked as Michelle grabbed a handful of her ass and brought her in for a kiss.
"Mhm," was Michelle's response before they separated, "What -hah- time is it?"
Ana blushed. The Devil's older sister looked damn cute when she yawned, "A little past nine."
Michelle blinked but otherwise remained in bed, "Did Naruto-"
"He and Karlach left for their job."
"Oh," Michelle frowned but shrugged, "Any idea when he's back?"
Ana shook her head.
"Then you're gonna need to make up for it," Michelle's eyes and manic grin equally served to scrarouse the sinner demon.
Ana was honestly still a bit tired and sore. Having the Angelslayer and Right Hand of God as her lovers - man that was still weird to think about - would do that. Their stamina was insane.
"Can't we just cuddle?" Ana tried asking instead.
The evil perverted look in Michelle's eye said it all.
"Be gentle," Ana managed to squeak out but Michelle's laugh told Ana what God's Eldest thought of that.
(Earth - Spring Break - Day Six)
"How hard it is to learn how to make a human disguise?"
"Not very," Karlach reminded, "'Bout a day or three tops. A week if you really, really bungle the job. And on the off chance you somehow can't pull it off there's artifacts you can buy to do it for you. Cost a pretty penny but they aren't ridiculously expensive unless you go with models that come with extra features. Black market versions are less expensive but-"
"Ya get what you pay for?" Naruto added.
"Top marks," said the disguised imp.
Her human form was still considerably tall and her skin was tan as though she spent most of her days labouring in the sun and she had a scar on the right topmost part of her head where her broken horn normally was, though most of it was covered by her hair. Unlike most of the women present, Karlach wore dark ripped leather pants, and a short open biker jacket that revealed a tight black sports bra.
Naruto by comparison looked the same he did as a human - in his Oiroke no Jutsu form, mind you - but with a considerable height difference of one foot and his hair was shorter and styled similarly to the female demon form. His whisker marks gave him an exotic look and more than once did it catch the attention of the humans: male and female.
And the succubi and incubi, too.
The former he was fine with, the latter not so much. Fortunately, they spent most of their time targeting humans, though Karlach's friend Verosika made it quite clear she was intrigued by him. Naruto didn't miss Loona's not so subtle glances, too.
Damn unique magnetism!
"Where's Loonie?!
"Look!"
Naruto and Karlach felt their eyes twitch at the absurd stupidity that unfolded before them. One would think they'd be used to it after six days but twas not to be.
Six days.
Six days of pure agony having to watch over incompetent assassins. Sure, their killing skills were decent but that was it. The fact they hadn't gotten caught was a combination of sheer fucking luck and Naruto having to cover their asses.
The imps and hellhound thought they were so clever taking their targets to secluded areas - Naruto begrudgingly applauded them for at least doing that! - but more than once were the disguised sinner and imp forced to cover their colleagues' asses. Karlach had no reservations when it came to ending human lives, usually doing it with a quick and precise neck twist or shoving a broken bottle or needle in a vital spot if they pissed her off. Being hellborn her view of human lives was quite different compared to Naruto's.
Naruto by contrast was a lot more subtle, but if he could, Naruto knocked out any witnesses and with a few seals and scene manipulation made it look like they imagined things. If only he knew genjutsu, it would have made things a heck of a lot easier. But it regrettably remained a skill Naruto never managed to grasp. The skill would would have been great to hide their deeds and fooling humans.
It was Spring Break after all, which was this reality's equivalent of Golden Week - though apparently a country called Japan whose culture was most similar to his own also had it - so drugs, booze, and bad decisions went hand in hand.
Speaking of bad decisions.
Naruto's thoughts drifted as he watched the humans cavort around them. It was like their kind had a homing beacon for trouble. And speaking of trouble.
"What is it?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
"Douchebags approaching," Karlach said, nodding towards a group of obnoxiously loud and clearly under the influence college kids staggering their way.
Naruto groaned, "Again?"
"They're persistent, I'll give them that," Karlach smirked, her tail would be swishing with amusement if it weren't hidden by her disguise.
"They're annoying as Hell," Naruto groused.
"What, don't like the flirting, soldier?" Karlach laughed as he gave her the evil eye.
The women flirting with him he was fine with. It was the men that annoyed him. But then, Naruto anticipated that might occur while disguised as a woman.
"Probably should rethink this whole disguise," then again, given what he was seeing that might not change much.
The group of college students was of mixed backgrounds, but what they had in common was them clearly being under the influence of various substances. It was a scene Karlach, being a demon from Hell, was used to. Naruto, however, not so much. Sure, during his time as a human, he cut loose every now and then, but this was way too excessive for his taste.
"Looks like it's showtime," Karlach quipped as she finished her drink, throwing away the empty flask into the sand.
Naruto sighed, "Can we not?"
"They're the ones who picked this battlefield, soldier," she pointed out, her eyes gleaming with mischief.
Moments later the group left with more than their share of bruises, cuts and a good amount of crying.
"What a let down," Karlach huffed, annoyed at being denied a good fight.
"At least you didn't break any bones this time," whenever she did, Naruto noticed said bones would pierce out of the skin.
Humans of this reality were surprisingly fragile. And most were horny and crude and assholes for some reason.
"I was tempted when one of 'em got cheeky enough to grab my ass. Lucky for her she was hot and flashed her tits," and those beauties were all natural, "We're meeting up later."
"You have no problem killing humans but you're also fine sleeping with them?"
"Did you not see those tits?"
"Shut up," Naruto did see them. A step down from Hinata's and Michelle - then again the Eldest of the Godborn was over 10 feet tall - but Naruto could not deny they were nice. Then again, explains why said women was walking away with a sway of her hips, even if she wasn't wearing her bikini top.
"LOONIE?!"
"The fuck's wrong with him now?" Karlach frowned as she saw their boss - without a disguise! - run around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Sure, everyone present were on drugs and alcohol - and those that weren't would likely think they slipped something to rationalize it - so they'd think they were tripping or drunk out of their gourd. But come on!
"I get being worried for your kids but this is embarrassing," being a hovering parent, or helicopter parent as it was called here, for a hellhound in her early twenties was a tad much, "Come on. Gotta stop him."
"I'll get my axe."
"Without killing him."
"Freakin' killjoy," Karlach muttered as they began pushing through the crowd.
(Meanwhile)
"Angel. We're about to-"
"Go away," was the instant reply.
"Al-Alright, we'll be downstairs if-"
"Bitch, fuck off!" Cherri Bomb told her before closing the door once more with a wham.
Charlie winced and became saddened but left the sinner and his friend be.
"Still not coming out?" Vaggie asked at the end of the hall once Charlie came into view.
"Can you blame him?" Charlie asked somberly.
Vaggie sighed but shook her head, "Can't say I can."
Angel hadn't taken the news well upon learning that his sister, his twin - and boy did that come as a shock - was now the new 'talent' of the Vees.
When the former porn star learned that his twin, and in Angel Dust's own words, the only good thing to come from his family, was announced as the Vees newest star, the sinner had gone ballistic. The tv never stood a chance. But that was to be expected when it was riddled with bullets from an angelic gun. The spider sinner's rage hadn't subsided however. Days later the lounge area was still littered with bullet holes and destroyed furniture by his intense reaction. It had taken three of them to stop him and even then that wasn't enough such was his anger. It was only when Alastor used his umbrakinesis to bind him was Angel fully subdued. Why Alastor decided to do so confused Vaggie. The Radio Demon made it no secret of his love for chaotic entertainment.
Since then - after confiscating Valentino's former gun - Angel had holed himself up in his room and so far the only one that Angel allowed to enter his room was his friend Cherri Bomb. The female sinner had rushed over - destroying the front entrance with an explosion in the process - the moment she learned and ever since she'd been his guard dog.
"How's the kid?" Husk asked and got his answer just by looking at Charlie and her lover, and he sighed but said nothing.
"Charlie, do you think your dad might-"
"I could try, but we both know dad will never get involved," it was no secret to Charlie about her father's dislike of sinners.
"What about your aunt?"
"My aunt? Why...Oh! Her sword!" Charlie felt like kicking herself for forgetting and it dawned on her, "Auntie Michelle's sword!"
"Bingo."
"I'll just go get her and-"
"Haha! I'm surprised at you, Charlie," the jovial voice of Alastor suddenly rang and from the shadows rose the infamous Radio Demon, "The Vees are fools but even fools can learn from their mistakes. It's not going to be that simple this time."
"What do you mean? Grab sword, chop contract, Angel Dust's sister is free, Angel's happy, everyone lives happily ever after, right?"
Husk deadpanned and reminded, "We're in Hell. If this is happily ever after, then I'm a gargoyle."
"You know what she meant," retorted an annoyed Vaggie.
"So sorry, my dear. But it's futile. While we now know that Lady Michelle's sword can sever soul-binding contracts, Hell is full of individuals whose goal in life was finding ways to circumnavigate loopholes their clients didn't know existed."
"Fucking lawyers," Husk groused. Even in death, they found ways to fuck you over.
"Precisely. While many existing contracts are luckily untouchable, my old pal will have ensured new ones are airtight. Especially our only resident's dear sister."
"So we kill him," Vaggie stated matter-of-factly.
"Vaggie-"
"Hun, I love you, and I love that you see the goodness in everyone but-"
"A poor and ill-fated sentiment in my opinion, though much as I'd like to agree with our resident exorcist-"
"Former!"
"-it won't end as you'd hoped."
"What do you mean?"
"As I was in the process of explaining before being so rudely interrupted - something you must work on, my dear. It's a rather nasty habit - " Alastor grinned while Vaggie growled, "killing him will do no good. I have it on good authority that the contract will simply transfer to one of the other Vees. And I also have it on good authority that the Vees have more than enough power to invoke the death clause."
"Don't doubt it," Husk said after finishing a swing.
"Death clause?" Charlie asked, ignorant of its meaning.
"Fucks sakes. Didn't mommy and daddy teach you anything about soul contracts?" Husk nearly choked on his drink when Charlie revealed her ignorance but rolled his eyes at her despondent look, "It's a sadistic clause, but one that requires a fuck-ton of power to even use. Basically, if the contract holder kicks the buckets - and I'm talking permadeath - so does anyone under their heel and boot with that clause."
"Precisely. And the Vees have just enough power and influence to invoke it," it was more common with Ars Goetia but overlords with as many souls and power to their name, like the Vees, who were powerful enough to rival them could use such a clause in a select number of contracts.
"And we also don't know for sure if they have a clause that enacts it if someone tries to forcibly break it, do we?" Vaggie added.
"Precisely. Commendable as your desire to rescue our effeminate fellow's damsel in distress sister, it may be all for naught. Then again, who knows? Maybe the clause isn't used," grinned the overlord.
"It is."
"Cherri?"
"You shit heads wanna know why Angie's worse than I've ever seen 'im? Molly was the only good thing he had in life, his anchor. The only decent person in his family that should have gone topside," Cherri then swiped something on a phone, and each of them - except Alastor - received a message alert, "Here. Fuckin' moth sent it to him. Bloody prick."
With her piece said, Cherri left and went back to Angel's room and the group read the attachment they received and the ill news that came with it.
"Shit," cursed Charlie; Vaggie nodded alongside her with a deep frown.
There it was in black and white: the Death Clause.
"Oh, my, quite the contract," Alastor commented.
"In other words, kid's twin's fucked," Husk grabbed another bottle after glancing at the picture.
"Not necessarily."
"Alastor?"
"Any contract, no matter how insidiously airtight as it appears, my dear, always has a loophole. One merely needs intellect and a creative mind to find it."
"Great! I mean, not great, really, but, anyway! Alastor, you know more about this than me. Think you could find one?" Charlie asked him.
"I could. Will I? No," was his answer.
"What?!" Vaggie's wings appeared; she was pissed.
"My dear, my role is the manager of this charming institution, not its advocate. I offered my services solely for the hotel and entertainment. Unfortunate as it is for him, our sole resident's sister isn't a resident. This isn't our problem," was his reasoning.
"Angel Dust's problem is our problem, Alastor," said Charlie.
"Much as I wan't to disagree, he's got a point. It ain't our problem. You sell yourself, you gotta live with the shit that comes from it, no matter how bad you wanna take it back," was Husk's sombre advice.
"Well put, Husker. I'm sorry, my dear, but if you want to free - Molly, was it? - then you'll have to so without me...That is, of course, unless you can persuade me otherwise," Alastor's smile said it all.
"Absolutely not! Charlie, we can figure this out. Come on, let's look it over ourselves," under no circumstances was Vaggie going to let Alastor convince Charlie into making a deal.
But as they left to figure out an attack plan, Alastor's grin remained and from the subtle look Charlie sent him while Vaggie was distracted, he knew the seed of doubt was taking root.
XxXxX
"WE FUCKING WON!"
Naruto's felt his eyes twitch once more as the members of I.M.P. celebrated their victory.
Well, two celebrated. One was drunk out of his mind and the other was trying to be flirty with-Oooh, she just learned he had a girlfriend.
Queue kicked puppy look!
Anyway, his eyes twitched because of the manner they won. Karlach couldn't give a fuck. A win was a win in her mind. Even if they lost it suited her just as well as it meant they were done with this bullshit and were once step closer to accomplishing their goal. Most importantly, it meant they could go back home.
"Karlach, Kush! Get your tight asses in here!" Blitzo, his head pocking out from the portal told his newest employees.
Karlarch growled at the comment and gave the popstar an apologetic look but Verosika was too pissed to do anything but walk off the beach with her group.
And they were shortly arrested by police for being sick degenerates.
"Ohoho, man, this day just keep gettin' better!" Blitzo laughed but then squeaked when Karlach kicked his head so she could jump in.
"You coming, soldier?"
"Give me a minute, I'll catch up," Naruto told her.
Karlarch merely shrugged and jumped down and the portal closed behind her.
Naruto sighed and then deadpanned when the police loaded the succubi, incubi and hellhound into their vehicles and then they all drove off. Leaving the many corpses and one giant dead kaiju like catfish on the beach. This dimension had one seriously messed up version of Earth.
"Meh, least it makes this next part easier," Naruto's eyes closed before his form shimmered back into his male appearance and activated Old Man Sage's power. The blond then formed a barrier that spread across the beach to stop others from seeing what he was going to do next. On the off chance that the policemen were just incompetent - immensely incompetent, in his honest opinion - Naruto didn't want others to see what was going to happen.
His hand was outstretched and several seals appeared on the ground that lit up like glimmering gold. From them appeared the bodies of the many people I.M.P. killed during the contest. Many were in various states of death. Some were simple like bullet in the head. Others had their skills crushed and some were bifurcated and slashed vertically down the middle, and others had sex toys lodged down their throats or shoved so far up their ass it piercing their guts.
Blitzo could get real nasty but inventive when he was drunk.
But all of this to say didn't sit well with Naruto. He was a shinobi, yes, but killing innocents - even if they weren't upstanding given their debauchery - went against what he stood for. It was why the only ones Naruto personally killed during Spring Break were those who deserved it and felt were beyond second chances: rapists, serial killers.
Naruto was more than happy to end their lives and send them to Hell.
But the deaths of those who had a chance to turn their lives around or didn't deserve death, Naruto had plans for them. It wasn't something he did often. It left him heavily drained and weakened but Naruto felt it was worth it. Could it have repercussions here? Maybe, most likely, he wasn't totally sure, to be honest.
But Naruto didn't care. These people deserved to live.
Fortunately, they'd just think their deaths was a bad trip.
And as Naruto opened his eyes once more, the tomoe and ripple-like patterns Sasuke passed onto him before his death moved with authority, "Gedō — Rinne Tensei no Jutsu (Outer Path — Saṃsāra of Heavenly Life Technique)!"
XxXxX
Saint Peter sighed, mentally, as more and more people began to appear at the Gates of Heaven. Peter liked his job but there were two things that annoyed him the most: an extremely large crowd suddenly gathering during his break time, and being asked what the Son of God was like.
"Poor Christ. Dude still won't come out in public," all because Judas got drunk and pissed at Christ for not paying the bill at the last supper, "And that idiot Paul just had to tweak things just to make sure his book became a best seller."
Christ wasn't an introvert but the tanned carpenter turned healer from Nazareth valued his peace and privacy. Paul's advertising of his deeds and claiming him as the Son of God, which he had never been, made him uncomfortably popular. Well, it worked in the end. The bible was the most sold and popular book in existence. Even if it was mostly fictional and inaccurate.
Archangels were the highest order, not the lowest. Then again, that was referring to the seven original archangels - known as the Godborn - who were of the Almighty's own blood while those that came after were more honorary titles given to different angels on the hierarchy than actual rank. But say something often enough and long enough and people will see it as truth, regardless of the reality.
Case in point: Adam was called an archangel but try to explain to the First Man that it was just a title and the man and his attack dogs got pissed.
Why the higher ups believed Adam was deserving of the title despite how he acted and what he did befuddled Peter but the former human wasn't one to openly question their will. Why they decided that he should be in charge of Extermination Day - Peter being one of the rare handful in the know - also confused him. It was no secret that Adam immensely disliked the inhabitants of Hell given his dislike for Lucifer and Lilith and their actions. It was why before the new terms that were made seven years ago, Adam and his exterminators had frequented Hell for centuries and targeted anyone regardless if they were sinner or hellborn - except the nobles and the Sins, Adam had learned that lesson the hard way after getting his ass handed to him by Paimon and his legions - before a deal was made between Heaven and Hell so only sinners were targeted.
Which probably wouldn't have happened had Adam not decided to be the big douche that he was 10,000 years ago and ordered Lilith - who was made to be his equal! - to be subservient to him, essentially causing a snowball effect that led to the creation of Hell. But then, Adam had always thought highly of himself to the point that as the First Man - the Original Dick, as he sometimes called himself - he could do no wrong.
Just thinking about that made Peter want to down an entire bottle of wine. Not that people in heaven could get drunk on alcohol of divine origin. Even more so as people seemed to multiply by the dozens.
"Well, no time like the prese-Huh?" Peter rubbed his eyes as he looked at the crowd once more, "Wasn't there more of them?"
Peter dismissed the nothing as nothing more than being overworked and his mind playing tricks, "Welcome, dear soul. Name please?"
"Jess-"
Peter fought back a sigh. What was with the newer generation and not giving their full name? "Jess what?"
"..."
"My dear-" Peter was blinking when silent when he saw the winner wasn't in front of him. In fact, a dozen of them began disappearing before his eyes.
"What the fu-"
XxXxX
"What do you mean they disappeared?!" Sera demanded the Gatekeeper of Heaven.
"I-I don't know how to be clearer than that," Peter gulped. He and Sera were on good terms and had a friendly relationship, but she was still his superior. And when Sera was angry or upset - which didn't happen often unless Adam was involved - she could be quite frightening.
"Sera, calm down-"
"I can't be calm, Emily. Souls under our authority vanished! Since Heaven first began accepting mortal souls nothing like this has ever happened before," and it was true. The only time a soul in Heaven left was if they were banished, and except for the incident 10,000 years ago that resulted in the creation of Hell, and her, those were exceptionally rare incidents, "Peter, are you certain of what you saw? This isn't one of Lord Gabriel's tricks?"
"Pft!" a voice from the corner snorted, and all three of them gazed upon the First Man and Lute, "My man Gab's willing to pull a lot of sh-crap."
With Emily nearby along with Sera's narrowed eyes, Adam was forced to keep his vulgarity down to a minimum. Even then that wasn't a guarantee.
"What makes you think that?"
"Okay, look, Gab's the kinda of guy that'll drive ya nuts with his pranks, but even the former God of Mischief has his standards compared to the old days," and Adam spoke from experience. It was why during the an early era of humanity that he was dubbed the God of Mischief, adopting the persona Loki. Though even then Gabriel admitted that some of his exploits went a little too far.
"I'll remind you not to refer to Lord Gabriel with such blasphemy," Sera reminded with sharp eyes. Even if it was more of title she saw it as highly improper. There was only one God in her mind and that was the Almighty.
Adam waved it off but said nothing otherwise.
"Could this be the work of the hellspawn?" Lute inquired, face narrowed and pointed.
"Not possible. The Sins might be able to pop up outside the Gates of Saint Peter but the Holy Father's protection prevents them from doing anything," Sera reminded Adam's lieutenant, "No demon can do what you're suggesting."
"Except maybe one," those in the know recalled.
Even though Lucifer had been banished 10,000 years ago to Hell along with his wife and several others during the aftermath of the Morningstar Rebellion, the Wayward Son of God was still a literal son of God. Archangel Michelle was the strongest of her siblings but Lucifer had been the most magically gifted of the Godborn. In other words, the King of Hell still had considerable power well above the other Sins, even if he mostly appeared to use them on duck making hobbies.
"Lady Urielle," Lute began but deadpanned as they all saw her sleeping.
"So...Who's gonna wake her?" Peter asked.
"Not it!" Sera, Lute, Adam, and Emily all said at once.
Waking up a sleeping archangel, especially when said archangel was Urielle, wasn't without some form of risk.
"Should I be worried?"
"We'll pray for ya, dude," Adam gave Peter a thumbs up and then took out his phone.
"Oh, boy," Peter could tell this was not only going to suck but hurt too. Worse, this was definitely gonna end up on the Seven Heavens' social media platform.
Quack!
Quack!
Quack!
"Huh? Wha?" Urielle snorted, woking up from her slumber curtesy of her phone.
"Oh, you thank you, God!" Saint Peter praised his Creator.
"Well, that blows," Adam pouted. He was hoping for something funny. A drop kick, a chokehold, a shoryuken, or at least something good!
Quack!
Quack!
Quack!
"What's with the ringtone?" Emily inquired curiously.
Urielle eyed her phone part-annoyed and part-nervous. Only one being in the universe had that stupid ring tone. It couldn't be a coincidence that he, of all beings, was calling her given the conversation they held. She might have been sleeping but she heard bits and pieces all the same.
"Is that-" Peter began, but a quick click from Urielle confirmed his suspicions.
"What do you want, Lucifer?"
"ARE YOU GUYS FUCKIN' WITH ME?!"
"Gonna need to be more specific on what Gabe did this time," Urielle and Sera sighed at her youngest brother's antics.
Close as they were, even after his fall, Gabriel could still get on Lucifer's nerves and wasn't exempt from his practical jokes.
"What have you done with my souls?!"
The entire room blinked and looked at one another, confused and in the case of others annoyed by the accusation.
"...Come again?"
"Look, I don't give a shit what you hundred foot pole up your asses do topside BUT STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY KINGDOM!"
Lucifer might not give a flying rat queef about sinners but it didn't meant he didn't care for Heaven interfering with what he and Lilith built.
"Woah, hold on!"
"Adam, I say this with all due respect," there was a blatant and obvious lie if they ever heard one, except for Emily, "but take your tiny baby dick and shove it up your ass!"
"YOU FUCKING SAY THAT TO MY-"
"He already hung up," Urielle told the First Man.
"GOD DAMN IT!"
"ADAM!" Sera's face blazed with fury, her wings held many eyes and her form brimming with righteous divinity, "You will never - ever! - use our Lord's name in vein again!"
Adam gulped. As a favorite of God he could get away with a lot of things even with Sera being his superior but using the Big Man's name in such a way was a big f-ing no even for him. And judging by the looks he was getting - even from Lute of all people! - Adam quickly realized he crossed a line.
"Do I make myself clear?" Sera asked.
"Crystal! Couldn't be clearer!" Adam quickly rose his hands up in surrounding.
Fucking Lucifer for getting him riled up.
Sera quickly calmed herself, her form turning back to its usual appearance before she addressed the group, "Now then. It would appear Hell's also having trouble with their souls disappearing. Lady Urielle?"
"Hmm?"
"Could you or the other Godborn think of any reason why this happening?" aside from Lucifer, of course.
Urielle didn't respond immediately and elected to instead rubbed her tired eyes before looking popping up a screen that held data relevant to their present situation. Urielly typed in some sequences too fast for most to follow and understand, but her eyes narrowed and frowned, "Peter."
"Yes, Lady Urielle?"
"Those souls that disappeared. You sure they're dead?"
The question confused the gatekeeper, "What? Of course! The ones that didn't disappear appeared in the book."
"Did you happen to get their names?"
"Uh, well, only a few before they vanished," Peter answered honestly, "There was Gustav Ankovic, Sarah Peterman, and Francesco Woodcock."
"Pft. Woodcock," Adam snickered at the name.
Urielle rolled her eyes at Adam's immaturity and typed in the names. Within seconds her eyes were blinking, "You sure those were the names?"
"Pretty sure?" after doing this for well over two thousand years, Peter had developed a near photographic memory when it came to remembering the names of those who entered the Seven Heavens.
"Okay, because according to this, they're alive," Urielle revealed to the group.
Emily however, didn't see a big deal, "Isn't that a good thing?"
"One or two souls appearing in Heaven while on the border between life and death isn't unheard of, Emily. But the amount we received is well above the norm. Peter, how many were at the gates before they vanished?"
"At least three dozen, fifty at most. Maybe more. I left some through...Uh-oh," Peter quickly opened his book and sure enough his fears were warranted, "Oh, fuck!"
"What now?" Sera could already feel an Adam-inducing headache coming along.
"I left two dozen souls go through the gates before this happened. But the book doesn't have their names anymore!"
"That's impossible. The moment a mortal soul passes the gate there is no going back unless Dad let's them," Urielle declared.
"Maybe the Almighty deemed it wasn't their time?" Emily said cheerfully.
.
..
...
"Bwahahahahahahaha!" except for Emily, all of them laughed, even Sera snickered at the idea.
"Oh, oh, my sides," Peter gasped.
"Bwahahahaha," Adam was on the ground pounding the floor with his fist while Lute did the same with the wall.
"Dad? Get involved! Pft! Good one. Dad hasn't done that in forever. Chances of maybe one mortal soul getting sent back by him are ten times lower than winning the lottery, but over half a hundred souls?"
"Lady Urielle speaks true. Granted, the Almighty works in mysterious ways-"
Snort! was the sound Urielle made.
"-but I have to believe that he'd choose souls more worthy than these."
"She's not wrong. I glanced at their life records. Enough to enter Heaven but nothing really all that noteworthy to warrant reincarnation or being sent back," Urielle informed the trio.
"Reincarnation is a thing?" Emily didn't know that, and as as seraphim - junior seraph, mind you! - she had privileged access many in Heaven lacked.
"Ever heard of Buddha? He was one of the rare few souls who got lucky to have the reincarnation thing going for him. Lucky prick," Adam muttered the last part.
"Focus," Urielle told him and her eyes narrowed behind her glasses, "Huh, hold on, it says here these mortals all died in the same place. Okay, let's see here."
Emily along with a few blinked as they saw Uriel take out a great rainbow colored orb, "What's that?"
"A special scrying orb. Let's us see what's happened in the present and past," Urielle explained
"What about the future?"
"Only mom and dad have that kind of power," Urielle frowned at her words.
Powerful as God and Goddess were, Urielle recalled that her parents had come to greatly dislike using the ability. God had gotten paranoid in the past after using it too many times to ensure things ran smoothly, especially after the creation of Hell and evil being unleashed. But ultimately he came to realize there were some things even he would never have total control over regardless of what he did.
"I'm a seraphim. How could I never know such a thing existed?" Emily asked in awe.
"It was below you pay grade, kiddo," Urielle told her.
"Sera, I want a raised."
"Denied," no way was Emily, sweet, kind, wears her heart on her sleeve Emily, ready for that kind of responsibility and the hardships it entailed.
Even Sera desired ignorance on certain things she learned.
And as the group gazed upon the orb and witnessed what they saw, Sera would come to wish that even more.
XxXxX
Naruto sighed as he finally reach the hotel. Dead tired - no pun intended. The blond was glad he could use the technique to bring those people back to life but the energy drain was immense. Naruto had fought without rest for three and a half days straight in the war using many high powered techniques and going from battlefield to battlefield in various countries.
That was a walk in the park by comparison.
Bringing back a deceased life went against the natural order of things, such techniques were highly demanding and costly, usually a life for a life. It was only thanks to his unique lineage and Old Man Sage's power along with Kurama's that he didn't die when he used it. Actually, thinking about it made Naruto realize how it would work since he was already dead?
"Meh, who cares," Naruto shrugged.
Such thoughts could wait a day, or three, such was his fatigue. It had taken him hours before he could move again without suffering from vertigo and limp limbs.
"Yo, I'm-ack!"
The afterlife, however, wasn't so kind.
"What. did. you. do?!" demanded a voice Naruto had not heard in quite some time.
Death was back. And boy was he pissed.
And this time, Naruto had no way of fighting back.
Legend of the Kyuubi
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Chapter 7: No Longer the Same
Charlie's smile strained. Her latest venture to get the group to cooperate hadn't exactly gone as planned...Oh, who was she kidding? It was an unmitigated disaster. And try as she might, she couldn't put on a brave front at moment. Progress was slow, too slow. A week ago, when she had put Vaggie in charge it looked like things were starting to look up. Unconventional as the exercise had been, Charlie couldn't deny the ultimate results and the seeming show of camaraderie that followed.
But all habits died hard and the sense of camaraderie - while it hadn't died, per say - wasn't what one would call the most conventional. At least in the Princess of Hell's opinion. More than once she was worried about how one of them would react or do when they annoyed one another. And annoying one another was something they did on a regular basis.
Another reason for why things weren't looking up was because of what Angel was currently going through. The sinner's attitude, thanks to his twin's circumstances, had greatly affected the overall mood of the other residents. Well, except for Allistor, maybe. It was hard to tell when the man smiled that infamous smile day and night, twenty-four seven. Charlie wanted to give the infamous sinner the benefit of the doubt but the rest, even Vaggie, were of one mind.
Safe for Niffty. No one knew what went on in that chaotic mess.
Anyway, each sinner like Charlie had tried in some way, shape or form to help the former pornstar but much like Charlie and Vaggie, each one had gotten shot down within seconds. Or, in Pentious' case, blown up thanks to Angel's one-eyed guard dog. Sometimes she did it without provocation given their history.
"KEEP YOUR BOMBS OUT OF MY ROOM!"
"KEEP YOUR SLIME OFF MY BOMBS!"
Charlie groaned as she listened to Pentious and their unwanted guest go at it from her room once more.
"If those two don't shut up in the next three seconds," Vaggie groaned from her side of the bed, spear in hand for emphasis.
Charlie couldn't fault her.
"Vag-Ahh!"
Whatever Charlie was going to say died in her throat as the hotel shook and rumbled as wave after wave of powerful, oppressive, darkness encompassing aura threatened to reduce it and all within its confines into nothingness. The Princess of Hell and her lover fell from the bed, gravity felt like it had been increased by a hundred and Charlie saw her life flash before her eyes, but unlike how movies and novels told it, Charlie didn't see the good in her life, she saw the bad.
And she wasn't the only one.
Vaggie relived the brutal horrible training she and her fellow exterminators were subjected to under Adam and Lute. Angel Dust felt the same as when he was still under his abusive father's thumb before, in a fit of drug and alcohol induced rage took matters into his owner hands, and the despair and agony that followed. Pentious saw the man who killed countless women over and over again, his fear stopping him from taking any action, the killings growing more and more gruesome with each passing second.
Each sinner and demon present relived the worst parts of their lives. Their worst nightmares and none of them could stop it from happening.
"C-c-c-ha-" Vaggie, shaking like a leaf in a hurricane and sprawled on the floor like helpless newborn, could barely even speak.
Charlie was no better herself. Words failed to form. Never before had she felt so helpless. What was causing all of this?
"Uncle D, stop!" a voice, loud and clear as a bell, gonged throughout the Hazbin Hotel. A wave of gold soon followed after and the oppressive feeling lessened.
Not fade away, lessened.
"Vag-gie?" Charlie groaned, her legs buckled as she tried to stand, shaking too unsteadily from the unpleasant experience, and was forced to crawl towards the former exterminator on her hands and knees, "Vaggie?"
"Ugh," groaned the Latina woman, rivers of tears cascading down her eyes.
"Oh, my gosh. Are you hurt?" Charlie asked. The hoofed woman began fretting over Vaggie, hoping and praying to her Grandfather that she didn't find any damages.
"I'm not hurt," Vaggie managed to say. It was true. Physically she was fine, albeit a bit weakened. Emotionally and mentally was a different story.
Charlie wasn't fooled. She recognized Vaggie being tough when she saw it, "Vag-"
"Wat in the unholy fuck was dat?!"
Under other circumstances Charlie would have been glad to finally see Angel out of his room. But this wasn't such circumstances. Charlie looked at the sinner, his body supported by Cherri Bomb and both looked haggard if one wanted to be kind.
"Angel? Are-"
"If you ask if he's okay, I'm blowing this dump straight to kingdom come," Cherri Bomb warned with a glare.
"Try it," Vaggie glared back, her spear in hand and her wings fanned out in warning.
"None of that! How 'bout we all just calm down and figure out why this happened, alright?" Charlie suggested instead.
Cherri Bomb just blinked at her before looking at her friend, "We sure she's Hell's princess?"
"Trust me, thought da same thing when we first met but the Big Dick and Auntie M gave her cred," Angel answered, his eyes bloodshot, his form hunched over.
"Huh?" was all Cherri Bomb could say. She'd take Angel's word for it, "Whatever. Back to what Angie said, what the fuck was that?"
"We were just about to try and figure that out ourselves before you threatened us," Vaggie replied. Her wings were gone along with her spear but her glare remained.
"...You look different. Do something with your hair?" Cherri's inquiry made both Vaggie's eyes twitch.
Before anything else could be said, the group watched as Husk came running as if his life depended on it. Slung over his shoulder was Niffty, her single eye vacant and staring off into space. What was the old adage people used? The lights were on but no one was home?
More so than usual.
"Husk? What happen-Wait, where are you going? Where's he going?"
Rather than stay and answer, Husk continued running past the group until he shoulder-checked his room door open and tossed Niffty in unceremoniously before slamming the door shut. Nails were soon hammered through the door and the rattling sounds of chains were followed by the shimmer of light that encased the entrance.
"Dat ain't a good sign," Angel noted, more than a tad worried.
Having fought alongside him in their last training 'exercise,' sergeant crazy bitch, as Angel called her, had put them through; the sinner was familiar enough with the former overlord to know Husk could hold his own in a fight. Plus, as a sinner, and possibly the strongest sinner in the hotel - after Naruto and Alastor, of course! - while being cut, stabbed and crushed remained an unpleasant experience, it wasn't permanent given their regenerative capabilities and immortality.
For him to be running away like this meant it was too much even for him to deal with, or having no desire to deal with. Which meant they needed the help of someone a little stronger.
"Where's Auntie M and her squeeze?" Angel's question made the rest of them blink.
Sure enough, none spotted the Princess of Hell's eldest aunt or the eldest of God's children anywhere. Which was odd in Vaggie's opinion. From what she knew and experienced, whenever danger arose, Archangel Michelle had always been known to make her presence known if she was close by. For her not to do so meant either she wasn't here - which, to be honest, was a blessing given how loud she and her lovers could get at times - or whatever that unpleasant event was left her in a similar state.
Neither option would help them here.
"Should we check on her?"
"Later. Right now we need to figure what happened," Vaggie
"So, we're going towards the danger that left us weak as newborn joeys, not away from it? Right, you fucks have fun with that. Angie and I ain't brain dead," was Cherri's piece.
Vaggie just had about enough of the sinner, "Listen you-"
"What's going on?"
Speak of the Devil. Or, the Devil's sister, in this case.
"Where the hell were you?" Vaggie barked before she could stop herself.
Michelle's eyes narrowed and Vaggie sorely wished she could take back her words, "Resting."
Despite being more familiar with the group, and having grown tolerant of some of their antics, Michelle was still millions of years old, the eldest of God's children, a leader of Heaven, and powerful. So she was more than a tad prideful as a result. Vaggie, by contrast, despite being in a relationship with Michelle's niece, was still only an angel, and a fallen one at that even if the physical change hadn't taken root yet. In other words, Vaggie overstepped. Big time.
"Sorry, Lady Michelle," Vaggie quickly told the woman, practically prostrating herself and hoped it worked.
It didn't.
"I think I'll have Naruto up your training when I see him," was the woman's vindictive reply; her words had Vaggie turn to stone.
Adam had often regaled the exterminators on Michelle's training and told them they were lucky he decided to be more chill about it, even if the psychological trauma forever left their mark. But having seen her train with Naruto, and having endured Naruto's own brand of training, much as she'd love to say otherwise - at least the physical aspect of it - Adam's training was indeed more chill by comparison. And what she was enduring was only level one training.
"Auntie, aren't you being a little harsh?"
"You wanna join?" niece or not, Michelle wouldn't hesitate to deal out punishment to her brother's only child.
"Good luck, Vaggie. Sorry," Charlie quickly whispered her apology and wisely shut up.
"Smart choice, kiddo. Now, again, what's all the commotion about?"
"You mean you ssslept through that? How?" Pentious couldn't believe it.
"Slept through what?"
"You're telling me you didn't feel da hotel shake and da horror vision flash through your mind?" Angel couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"You sure you just didn't have a bad drug trip?" Michelle didn't condone the use of drugs, but she like much of Heaven had given up on dealing with that centuries ago.
"Not this time. Way too vivid."
"We had it, too, Auntie Michelle," Charlie admitted to her paternal aunt, making said woman blink in response.
"You did? My barrier must have blocked it," the exceptionally tall woman deduced.
"Barrier? What barrier?" Vaggie didn't recall any rooms having a barrier. Though now that it was out there, that probably wasn't a bad idea security-wise.
"I had a barrier put up in my room after the incident with Urielle, so she and any other pervert can't scry on me. Also works as a protective bunker, too, as a bonus."
"Wait, you have a barrier up in your room that prevented this, but you can't put up, oh, I don't know, a sound barrier?!"
"Was never good at them," was the archangel's excuse, and it was true.
But thanks to the image Heaven had painted of them ingrained in the minds of its countless residents, Vaggie had trouble believing that Heaven's Strongest Warrior would struggle with a privacy word or sound barrier.
"I call bull."
"I don't care. Where did this happen?"
"I think it came from the lobby."
"You think?"
"That's where the drunk cat came running from before he hid like a chicken shit," Cherri told the woman, who began making her way towards the hotel entrance.
As the group followed her, albeit much more slowly, Cherri still found it odd that one of Heaven's most powerful beings had taken a demon as a lover. Two, in fact. A male and a female. Cherri had never been religious given her circumstances and upbringing but even she had been thrown through a loop when she learned Archangel Michael had a pair of tits and no dick, and Heaven was tolerant and accepting of homosexuality. Much like the rest of the group, except for Charlie and Vaggie, Cherri had grown up with the traditional education of what heaven and its tenants were like. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't been unnerved when she first met the famed angel from the bible, who was a woman, brief as it was, given she mostly comforted Angel Dust.
"Uncle D-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Not again," the group fell flat to the ground as another gravity-crushing wave - less intense than the last, mind you - had them kissing the floor once more. In some cases, some on top of one another.
"So this is how I die," again, Cherri meant, "with my face buried between a pair of ass cheeks."
"Please stop talking," Charlie was blushing red; the vibrations from Cherri's voice didn't help. Vaggie, unable to move but very much wanting to do so, was glaring bloody daggers at the sinner.
"No offence, your royal heinie, but it could be worse."
"Sssspeak for yoursssself," Pentious' muffled voice told her.
"Great. I'm gonna die with dis guy between ma titfluff and without getting paid. Fuck me," Angel groaned from his own awkward position.
"Not. interesssted."
"Fuck you!"
Fortunately, the pressure went away rather quickly and none had to relive the bad memories from before. The group quickly and eagerly got off one another, some glaring at one another while one in particular was scared.
"Ss-ss-should we get involved with," Pentious gulped as he spoke, "Lady Michelle's Uncle D here?"
"Who's Uncle D?"
The group turned; a few jumped at the sudden, unexpected voice to see Carmilla's eldest dusky skin-toned child. A few took notice of her state, serving to distract them from the present situation. Her hair was all dishevelled, a small sheen of sweat was on her brow, and by the marks on her neck, it was clear to all what she and Michelle had been up to. Under normal circumstances, Angel would have been the first to ask her for details. Gay though he was, Angel had a love for gossip.
Instead, he bluntly told her, "Death."
Ana blinked at the quick answer, "When you say Death-"
"Grim Reaper. Creepy Jack Skellington that takes your soul. Dat guy," Angel explained with a shudder.
"You're kidding?" Ana and Cherri Bomb asked as one.
"I wisssh he wasss," Pentious still had nightmares of the tall wolf in black robes.
"Ange, when the fuck were you gonna tell me this?" Cherri wasn't all too keen on biting the bullet again, any time soon. Being around folk visited by the Harvester of Souls felt counterintuitive for that.
"Deal with him later. Let's go see what bullshit impossibility Naruto did this time," Vaggie normally would sigh but with Death and Heaven's Strongest Warrior apparently being in a bad mood, she forced it down.
The group made it to the lobby, some more slowly than others, and the sight of Death holding Naruto by the throat against the wall while Michelle held a sword at the immortal entity's throat.
"Put. him. down." Uncle or not, Michelle wouldn't hesitate.
"Miha, we both know that toothpick won't come close to stopping me," Death reminded her and the primordial being knew she knew this.
"It'll still hurt," Michelle wasn't lying.
She had never won a fight against him but should could land some decent blows if she truly went all out. She'd still lose, badly, and it would be more of a one-sided beatdown than a proper fight. But right now, seeing Naruto like this, Michelle wasn't thinking straight.
"What's going on?!" Charlie asked from the second floor.
"This hijo de puta messed with things he shouldn't have," Death glared at the blond in his grip.
"Why issssn't he fighting back?" Pentious inquired.
"You a dumbass? It's Death! Doubt even the Angelslayer could match up to him," Cherri wondered if Pentious' mind finally cracked.
"You'd be surprised," Angel muttered, ignoring Cherri's disbelieving looks.
Angel's eyes never left Naruto's form. They had seen Naruto fight - and win! - against the sickle-wielding wolf. Yet now he looked so vulnerable. Something was wrong. He wasn't the only one to realize. Ana wanted nothing more than to rush down there and give the wolf a piece of her mind. But she was no Overlord like her mother. She wasn't incredibly skilled at combat like Naruto or Michelle; at best, she could hold her own.
But that was against low or average demons. What was she gonna do against Death? Throw him a fucking chewtoy?
Somehow she doubted he'd take it well.
But despite Michelle's warning, Death's grip didn't loosen, the fur on his massive arm bristling as Michelle's blade pressed harder against his throat. A faint sizzle of holy light hummed where the edge met his dark hide, but the Reaper didn't even flinch. His crimson eyes remained locked on Naruto, who hung limply, his typical radiant aura entirely choked out.
"Uncle, please!" Charlie cried out, rushing down the stairs with Vaggie right at her heels, "We just survived whatever that... that nightmare was! We don't need a war in the lobby!"
"Better listen to her, Uncle. Drop him," Michelle ordered once more, her grip on her sword tighter than a nun's sphincter, "Because Uncle or not, or I swear to Dad I will carve a permanent scar into that ancient hide of yours."
Death sighed at his firstborn. Despite the present situation, his fondness for his brother's children remained, "You remind me so much of your mother when you give me that look."
"I've been told," was Michelle's clipped reply, not liking the reminder. She saw it for what it was: a distraction, "Last chance, Uncle."
"Why da fuck are you even choking the guy?!" Cherri Bomb yelled from the stairs, her hands on her hips despite her lingering exhaustion. "We all just got face-fucked by our worst memories, and you walk in here and start a wrestling match? What did he even do?!"
"Yeah!" Angel Dust added, leaning heavily against the banister, "He didn't do anything to cause that creepy-ass vision!"
The rest of the group nodded in frantic agreement. As far as anyone knew, Naruto had been just as much of a victim to the sudden wave of agony as they were.
Death's crimson eyes shifted slowly from Michelle to the crowd on the stairs, a low, rumbling chuckle vibrating in his chest. It was a sound that made Sir Pentious instinctively pull on his hood and slide further away from the balcony.
"You think he had nothing to do with this? That he's innocent?" Death's voice and the power behind it didn't just vibrate in the room; it echoed directly inside their minds, like an unrelenting cold, hard, savage knife, "He meddled where he had no right. He knows exactly why I am here. Don't you, boy."
Charlie blinked, looking between the terrifying primordial wolf and the blonde ninja. "Naruto? What is he talking about?"
Naruto didn't answer. He couldn't. His fingers twitched desperately, trying to form a seal, but he was bone dead tired from his earlier exploit and Death's grip was absolute. The grey wolf's claw was squeezing the very afterlife out of him, making even more tired than before. Even if Kurama were here he doubted he'd fare any better. Seeing her uncle wasn't making any movement to drop Naruto, Charlie mustered all the courage she could and ran forward before anyone could stop her.
"Charlie!" Vaggie cried and tried to reach out but fell short, her knees buckling the instant she tried taking a step.
"Uncle D, stop!" Charlie pleaded, stepping directly between Michelle and the Reaper, forcing herself to look up into the terrifying, shadowed face of the absolute end. "Whatever happened, you can't just kill him in our lobby! Talk to us! What did he do?"
The silence in the lobby was suffocating. Even Alastor, who had finally materialized near the shadows of the bar, hidden from view, kept his infamous grin perfectly still, his eyes darting between Death and the suffocating blonde, silently weighing the entertainment value against the absolute danger of the situation. He had no plans to die any time soon until his goals were met, and even then he still had more plans.
Fortunately, for everyone, the oppressive gravity in the room slowly began to lessen.
With a grunt, Death flung Naruto backward. The blonde ninja hit the floor hard, sliding a few feet across the carpeted floor before coughing violently, his hands flying to his bruised throat. Michelle was the first by his sword, immediately dropping her sword and dropping to her knees beside him. Charlie was the second to be by his side, followed quickly by Ana.
"Breathe, Naruto. Breathe!" Ana panicked, hands hovering over him, unsure where to touch. She was no medic. If she were her brainiac sister Blanca she might have some semblance of what to do, but she wasn't.
"He will live. More or less," Death stated with a dark, humourless chuckle. Charlie, Ana, and Michelle gave Death varying looks as he adjusted the dark fabric of his robes as if nothing had happened. He looked at the confused, terrified faces of the hotel residents before his eyes settled on Naruto once more, "You get one, cabrón. But let me be absolutely clear. If I ever catch you bringing souls back from the dead ever again, or even think about defying me, I won't just kill you. I will erase you. I will make certain the very concept, the very memory of you, is beyond reach. Don't. test. me!"
Before anyone could say anything, the Reaper dissolved into a swirling vortex of black flames, leaving the Hazbin Hotel residents in a stunned, breathless silence. Every single eye in the room immediately snapped to Naruto.
"...Wh-what did he mean, bring back from the dead?" Cherri inquired, and wondered if Death meant what they were all thinking.
"Y-ya don't think he meant-"
"Ah, shit, brat. I knew something was up," a voice from the entrance was heard.
"Kurama? How long-"
"Long enough to catch the last bit," answered the transformed Nine-Tailed Demon, a weary sigh escaping his lips, "He may not be a kid anymore, but he's still the same moron who lands his ass in the fire. Move aside."
Two of them were reluctant to do so but they gave him enough space to allow Kurama to place his hand on Naruto's chest. Crimson energy soon enveloped them both and the group watched as Kurama turned into particles of energy as he flowed back inside the seal. Color rapidly returned to Naruto's face, though he remained quite tired nonetheless.
"Darling?"
"I'm okay," Naruto reassured Michelle, his voice heavy with exhaustion.
"Good. But you owe us some answers," Michelle's tone left no room for argument, but her face softened, "After you rest."
"Rest...rest sounds good," the blond agreed, unable to keep his eyes open.
Michelle didn't waste a second. As soon as Naruto's eyes fluttered closed, she slid her arms under his arms and legs and carried the exhausted blonde up the grand staircase with Ana following right behind the towering heavenly being. The rest of the group watched them go in a stunned, heavy silence. While the threat of an angry Death was gone, the mystery he left behind felt like a ticking time bomb in the middle of the lobby.
"Well," Alastor purred, breaking the quiet as he leaned casually on his microphone cane, his grin widening slightly, "That was certainly a riveting piece of afternoon theatre! I must say, the Reaper really knows how to command a room."
"Shut up, Alastor," Vaggie snapped, rubbing her temples. The weight of her worst memories still made her hands shake, and the Radio Demon's amusement was the last thing she wanted to deal with. The knowledge, or the implied knowledge of what Death said, wasn't helping either. And if she was like this, it was unlikely the others weren't feeling the same way, and as she turned her attention back to the group and saw the looks they all bore, such an assumption was pretty spot on, "Everyone, just... go back to your rooms. Try to calm down. We aren't going to get any answers until Naruto wakes up anyway."
"Calm down?!" Cherri Bomb barked, crossing her arms defensively, "We all just got mentally mind-fucked by the fucking Grim Reaper of all things! Felt like this shit hole was gonna turn into one of my Tuesday craters. And the knocked-out-cold blond up there's the reason for this shitfest because he brought souls back from the dead. You really think we're just gonna go take a nap?"
"She's right, Vaggie," Angel Dust muttered, his voice unusually soft and entirely devoid of his usual sarcastic edge. The fact he used Vaggie name instead of his usual epithets told them just how messed up the situation was. He was staring at the spot on the floor where Naruto had been choking, his upper hands tightly gripping his own elbows, "Death said if he ever tried bringing souls back from the dead again, he'd end him. I mean, we all know he was a fuckin' superstar, insanely messed up powerful for a sinner, but what kind of crazy bullshit is dat?"
"I don't know, Angel," Charlie said gently, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Naruto always had a reason for what he does. Even if it's incredibly reckless," Kurama told them.
"Wait, weren't you-
"I'm a clone," the doppelgänger admitted. Shadow Clones were more Naruto's thing, but spending over a century and the relative peace during that time had Kurama learn a few new tricks. Though Naruto was easily a master of the technique, "The brat grew up, but Naruto's still Naruto no matter how old he gets. It's one of his many faults and what makes him, him."
"Kurama-"
"I'm not gonna say anything. Ask him when he wakes up. The brat's more than old enough to clean up after his own shit. I'm just here in case anything happens. It's what he would want," Kurama admitted.
"Thank you, Kurama," Charlie felt better, if only slightly, and one by one the group went their separate ways until Naruto was ready to talk.
Upstairs, Ana watched as Michelle carefully laid Naruto onto the plush bed in their bedroom. The barrier in her room flared briefly as she reinforced it while Ana pulled the blankets over his chest, her fingers lingering on his shoulder.
"He's completely drained," Ana whispered, looking up at the Archangel. "I've never seen him like this before. Winded, sure, after you two train but even then he barely breaks a sweat. This here, this feels different. I don't like it."
"Neither do I," Michelle acknowledged. The archangel stood at the foot of the bed, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. The anger that had fueled her confrontational stance against her uncle had faded but was now replaced by a deep worry. Her millions of years of experience told her exactly what kind of forces her lover had been tampering with, and the thought of it made even her angelic blood run cold.
"Michelle...when your uncle said...when he said," try as she might, Ana couldn't get the words to come out. Fear that doing so and the answer she would get would make it too real, too much for her to handle.
"When he said 'If I ever catch you bringing souls back from the dead ever again, or even think about defying me'?" Michelle finished for her, her voice dropping to a low, grim murmur. Seeing Ana nod, Michelle had her own weary look, "I'm sure we all know what he meant by that."
"How. How is that even possible? It can't be possible...can't it? Could Death have made a mistake?" speaking from experience, Ana lost count of the mistakes she made, in life and in death.
Was it impossible to think that even a primordial being such as Death could make mistakes? Michelle was the freaking Eldest Archangel of Heaven. Lucifer had been an archangel of Heaven and look what happened. He fell and ended up becoming the Devil, the Big Boss of Hell itself, as some called him.
"I don't know," Michelle had no answer. And it frightened her. There were only two ways to bring a person back to life.
The first was necromancy and just thinking about that made her frown, both because it didn't sound like something Naruto would do, and because necromancy was one of the more forbidden forms of taboo Heavenly didn't tolerate. Back when it was just used as a form of communicating with the deceased, it was one thing, but when it deviated into enslavement and its much more commonly known darker forms, Heaven decreed that any who practiced such arts earned them a one-way trip to Hell. But necromancy didn't truly bring a soul back to life; it created an echo, a copy or link of the soul to its former body. The revived would be no more than a husk. As far as she could recall, knowledge of such arts had more or less been wiped out.
The second way to bring a soul back to life, and this she hoped was not the case because thinking about it made her stomach churn, was if her Father was in a generous mood. And in the billions of years the Creator had been around, barely a handful had ever been brought back. And if that was the case.
"Oh, Dad," Michelle rushed to the bathroom as quickly as she could, as the implications, try as she might, sank in. Ana followed after and held the retching woman's hair while their lover slept comfortably in the bed, unaware of the chaos that was happening around him.
XxXxX
"This is impossible," Peter muttered.
"I knew it, I knew, I fucking knew something didn't add up," Adam raved and ranted, "No ordinary demon could overpower me. Especially a sinner."
"Just say the word, sir, and I'll have the rest of the ex-Heavenly Host ready to end this abomination," Lute quickly corrected herself. The man's second in command was more than ready and willing to end the freak of nature. The thief who, in her mind, somehow got hold of one of the Almighty's most precious of gifts.
"This is impossible," Peter muttered.
"Adam, Lute. For once, do me a favour: shut the fuck up," Sera ordered, not in the mood to deal with them.
Emily and Peter normally would have been floored by the fact that Sera of all people swore. Never before had they ever heard her use such language, but right now. But both remained floored at what they just witnessed.
"This is impossible," Peter muttered.
"Will you stop that?! It's getting annoying," Urielle barked at Peter.
The man had been repeating the same phrase over and over for quite some time now, and frankly, the Pencil-Pusher of Heaven was this close to smiting the winner angel back to his time period. Urielle was already stressed enough dealing with the bureaucracy of the Seven Heavens; learning what she just did was like taking out the wrong block in a game of Jenga.
She was at the tipping point.
"Emily, take Peter and wait outside.
"But-"
"Now!" Sera ordered the junior seraphim, "That's an order."
Sera rarely used such a tone with her and rarely pulled the rank card, too, with her as well, so it was quite clear to Emily that she had no elbow room to argue. Even then that didn't stop it from hurting a bit, "Come on, Peter. Let's-"
"Stay," was Urielle's command.
"Lady Urielle-"
"That's my order, High Seraphim," was Urielle's stance.
She wasn't a fighter in the same capacity as Michelle or Lucifer, but she was an archangel, one of the seven Godsborn, she was by no means lacking in terms of raw divine power and authority. Much as she'd like to protest, Sera was a stickler for rules and the hierarchy of Heaven and Heaven's tenants; she obeyed the angel's orders without question.
"You can stay," Sera told Peter and Emily, much as she didn't want Emily to.
At least Peter knew of Extermination Day; Emily she'd have preferred to remain ignorant. Oh, Sera knew one day she'd have to bring her into the loop when the younger seraphim took over Sera's role, but part of her hoped that when that day came the need for Extermination Day would no longer be a necessity.
"So, uh, can we discuss the youknowwhat?" Sera's eye twitched fiercely at Adam's less-than-subtle approach.
"May I smite him?" Sera muttered lowly to Urielle.
"He's your underling," was the woman's decree, "But do it later. Right now, we need to deal with this shitstorm. Fuck me, the paperwork I'm gonna have to deal with after all this."
"Not to mention the other archangels."
"Ugh!" Sera's comment made the archangel groan, her head banging against the table with an audible resounding thud! "Kill me."
The only thing worse than dealing with paperwork was dealing with all of her siblings at once, in Urielle's opinion.
"Right, so, summon the troops? Go down, nab the douchenozzle and bring him back up for judgment?" Adam inquired.
Urielle rolled her eyes, "Yeah, cuz that worked out so well-"
Sera coughed, and Urielle saw the woman's eyes gesturing towards Emily. Luckily, the junior Seraphim was distracted as she tended to Peter.
"Oh, right," Urielle muttered, "That won't happen. Yet anyway."
"But Lady Urielle-"
"Could you tell me, without a doubt, that either one of you could handle him. Put aside your pride and your hate, and give me your honest answer," Urielle demanded of Lute and Adam.
Lute's fist clenched enough to the point blood vessels would normally burst, and as much as she wanted to say otherwise - painfully so, in fact! - she couldn't, "No...not yet anyway."
"Not yet?"
"That, uh, little side project, we've seen some results thanks to," was Adam's proud reply.
"Really? And how'd you pull that...You stupid fuck," Urielle couldn't believe, her mind was the sharpest among her siblings and the woman quickly, "You went to War?"
Even Sera was stunned, "You can't be serious?"
"Hey, you said if we didn't get any results-"
"But to go to the Red Woman of all beings?" Sera had wanted to give Adam the benefit of the doubt, more than once, but she could not believe the sheer level of stupidity, "How did you even get her to agree?"
"Wasn't easy," Adam shuddered at the memory.
"That doesn't answer my question, Adam," Sera wasn't in the mood for cryptic replies, "What. did. you. promise?"
"A fight worthy of her, Your Highness," Lute's answer made Sera blink.
"A fight?" Sera inquired, and the look Lute gave her made it clear what she meant. Her eyes narrowed, "We'll discuss this further. For now, we need to find all that we can about this demon. Peter!"
"Uh, yes?" Peter responded, his tone low and soft in contrast to his usual energetic self. In all honesty, it was worrisome seeing him like this.
"I want you and Emily to find out anything you can about this demon. Find anything about him, understand."
"Sure, I mean, I think I can. My book can only tell me who's in Heaven, not what they did, but I think I can dig something up. Umm...what did you say his name was?"
"Uzumaki Naruto."
"Uh, okay. Do we know why's he in Hell?"
"Who knows. The shit probably robbed or killed or somethin'. Not fuckin' important. He's a demon that has the Big Man's come back to life card. You know what that fuckin' means, right?"
"I-"
"Never mind, you don't know jack, bellhop. It means we could go down there and end demons left and right, but he could just bring 'em back. Dealing with means shit now! Hell's just gonna get more and more demons coming in and when they find out they have someone who can make hellborn immortal and not just those fucking losers who end up down there, they're gonna want a piece of us," Adam had never felt so angry, especially when the memory of Lilith and her 'protests' - insurrections, was what Adam called it - popped into his mind.
But what made him even angrier was the fact that a demon had such power; a power he, as the First Man, should rightfully have made absolutely no sense. He brought humanity into existence with his own dick. Got banished from Eden because of his cunt of an ex and the shortstacked clown. Had to suffer and struggle for a thousand years before he entered paradise.
He was an archangel - in title only, mind you, - a leader of Heaven. The first human soul to become one. But even then Adam felt he deserved more.
"I'm sorry, but are we certain we should be doing anything?"
"Yer joking, right? Tell me she's joking. Are you high?" Adam demanded Emily.
"How do we know this isn't the Almighty's doing?"
"Oh, gee, why didn't I think of that? Oh, right, 'cause that's freakin' stupid! No way would the Big Guy let anyone, let alone a fuckin' demon of all things, have that kind of gift. And if he did, pretty sure it would be one of us," Adam couldn't believe the junior Seraphim.
"Lord Adam's right. The Almighty would never do such a thing," Lute, ever the brown-nosing dog that she was, agreed with her superior.
"But isn't that more plausible than a demon somehow stealing that ability?" Emily argued back.
"It-I-I mean..." Adam tried to argue but his LED mask distorted in such a way that it gave the impression of a stroke victim.
"This is getting nowhere. For now, see what you can find. Until then, this doesn't leave this room. Emily, Peter, dig up all that you can. If need be, go down to Earth and see what you can find."
"Earth? Why there?" not that Peter was complaining; he hadn't been to Earth in some time.
"We only keep records of our own people, not Hell's," Urielle reminded him. Excluding the Sins and the other who were cast out with Lucifer and Lilith, Heaven didn't keep track of every single individual in Hell. The number was too vast to keep track of anyway.
"Records, birth certificates, the internet. We have agents below who can help. Find and use anything you can if nothing shows up. You're dismissed. Adam, Lute, I want a word," Sera ordered the two lower-ranked angels.
"This is a fucking shitshow," Urielle muttered as her office emptied. It was times like this she wished her Father was back from wherever he was. Urielle was so sick of dealing with this crap.
XxXxX
Velvette bore a bored expression as she waited for the late member of the group to arrive. Vox, by comparison, was looking out onto his shark tank, and its newest inhabitant. A massive biotechnological creature made by Baxter, one of the more brilliant minds under their employ, that Vox affectionately called . The beast was huge and had already made sushi out of the other sharks that previously called the tank home. Truth be told, not that she'd admit it out loud, the damn beast but Velvette on edge.
Damn Jaws film.
"Alright, I'm here, let's get this fucking over with. I got a shit ton to do, and I got deadlines to meet," was how Valentino decided to announce his arrival.
Though Velvette had to agree that she too wanted this meeting over and done with for the same reasons. Say what you will about Valentino, the man was quite professional when it came to meeting deadlines on his film projects. Vox, however, didn't say anything in response as Valentino sat and grabbed a drink from one of the 'Kitty' variants of the Fizz-bots lies. When this went on for nearly a minute, Valentino looked at Velvette, and she responded with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Vox?"
"We have a problem. A big. fucking, yellow-haired pain in the ass problem," Vox finally spoke.
"What's the stud done this time?" Velvette was uninterested, her eyes glued to her cellphone, but a bolt of lightning made her jump and rendered the device irreparably useless, "Oi! The fuck was that for?"
"Sit down and shut up. Both of you."
Velvette and Valentino blinked, their eyes looking at one another before they looked back at the face of the company. Vox rarely spoke to them like that. Oh, he could vent and bitch and moan but that was different. All three did that from time to time. This, however, was something else. Powerful and egotistical as he was - and he was that in spades! - Vox couldn't handle both Velvette and Valentino at the same time. At least in Velvette and Valentino's minds, that is. Even then, they knew him well enough to see this was important and he wanted no nonsense from either one of them at the moment. In other words, shit was about to hit the fan.
Tons of it.
"Alright," Valentino began taking a puff from his quellazaire, "What's the shitstain done that's got your panties in a twist?"
Velvette would admit she too was curious. She and Valentino had good reason to hate the Angelslayer. Val because he took Angel Dust from him and she because he humiliated her in front of the most influential Overlords in Pride, not counting the hellborn one.
"I just heard from our spy-"
"Spy? What are you...Are you fucking telling me my star's still under your spell? You're just telling me now?!" Valentino snarled at his on-and-off-again lover.
"Barely," Vox was forced to admit with an annoyed grunt.
Without Angel under their employ, giving him his usual dose of hypnotism was rather difficult. And the longer he went without said dose, the less influence Vox could exert over him until, eventually, Vox's hold became nonexistent. And each time he managed to covertly coax something from the unwitting Angel, the faster that influence deteriorated.
"Who cares about the puff. You have his sister," Velvette reminded.
"Fucking good that is. Molly's good, but she's no Angel Dust," Val said in a huff. Twin or not, Angel's sister didn't have the same reputation, so her fanbase wasn't nearly as high as her brother's. Angel was his greatest accomplishment as an overlord and that hadn't happened overnight.
"Fucking focus," Vox reminded the two, "Angel's gone, who cares."
"I care!" Valentino wasn't making anywhere as much money as before. It was still more than most but still.
"I don't," was Vox's cold reply, "What you should care about is ending the Angelslayer."
"Oh, sure, right, because that went so well last time," Velvette reminded, "You forget why he's called that, Vox? He did what no overlord ever did in fucking centuries. What makes you think any of us stand a chance?"
"Tell me, Vel. Which is the bigger number: one or seven?"
Velvette blinked at him, "Are you seriously quoting Game of Thrones?"
"Good, you understand what I'm talking about. Saves me the trouble of explaining," if she had her phone, Velvette would have filled Vox's with so many arrows.
"I don't understand what you're talking about," said the confused Valentino.
"Of course you don't. The point is, one mind, one goal, one army. If all of Pride bands together, we can end him," Vox grinned viciously, his eye swirling like mad.
"And how, pray tell, are we supposed to do that? They're scared of him, no small part thanks to us, but what makes you think they'll do that?"
"Because, Vel, if there's one thing people love, it's power. And if anyone threatens whatever scrap or morsel of power, they go on the attack. They hate the status quo being shaken up. And the Angelslayer? Ohoho, he fucken shook it up bad."
"Tell us something we don't already know, Vox," Velvette was getting bored, her attention waning rapidly. The same could be said of Valentino.
"The Angelslayer can bring souls back from the dead: Heaven and Hell," Vox told her.
Suffice it to say, Vox had both their undying attention.
Please be aware that I have created a Patron page which I am doing because unfortunately, times are tough and I need to make ends meet and help a family member who recently lost their job and has not been able to find anything in the last four months. My original stories, former stories, one shots and story ideas are all there as well.
I will be posting on Ao3, too, same author's name, but it may be slow as their set up's a bit clunky. Currently my Patron page has the Stay of Execution 1 to 9 (with another coming in a week or two), Three chapters of Sailor Moon (newest chapter is up), and 13 Harry Potter and the Power of the Gamer (12 to 13 are new), Nidaime has six chapters there presently ranging from 8k to 11k words, Naruto Gamer 1 to 23 (three latest chapters are there), my original stories (non-Fanfiction which is a dark isekai)
I will be posting a minimum 3-5 chapters a month there (some story chapters may take longer due to their length). For some reason, since doing that, I've been able to dish out chapters more quickly and I'm more motivated then I've ever been in years. Don't know if it's because of payment or because Fanfiction has been disappointing me for a very long time now and Archive is a jumbled mess that doesn't really allow me to see my stats but I've already completed 9 chapters already.
Also, I have art there for my stories to provide a better idea of gear, people, and places for greater visual.
Charlie's smile strained. Her latest venture to get the group to cooperate hadn't exactly gone as planned...Oh, who was she kidding? It was an unmitigated disaster. And try as she might, she couldn't put on a brave front at moment. Progress was slow, too slow. A week ago, when she had put Vaggie in charge it looked like things were starting to look up. Unconventional as the exercise had been, Charlie couldn't deny the ultimate results and the seeming show of camaraderie that followed.
But all habits died hard and the sense of camaraderie - while it hadn't died, per say - wasn't what one would call the most conventional. At least in the Princess of Hell's opinion. More than once she was worried about how one of them would react or do when they annoyed one another. And annoying one another was something they did on a regular basis.
Another reason for why things weren't looking up was because of what Angel was currently going through. The sinner's attitude, thanks to his twin's circumstances, had greatly affected the overall mood of the other residents. Well, except for Allistor, maybe. It was hard to tell when the man smiled that infamous smile day and night, twenty-four seven. Charlie wanted to give the infamous sinner the benefit of the doubt but the rest, even Vaggie, were of one mind.
Safe for Niffty. No one knew what went on in that chaotic mess.
Anyway, each sinner like Charlie had tried in some way, shape or form to help the former pornstar but much like Charlie and Vaggie, each one had gotten shot down within seconds. Or, in Pentious' case, blown up thanks to Angel's one-eyed guard dog. Sometimes she did it without provocation given their history.
"KEEP YOUR BOMBS OUT OF MY ROOM!"
"KEEP YOUR SLIME OFF MY BOMBS!"
Charlie groaned as she listened to Pentious and their unwanted guest go at it from her room once more.
"If those two don't shut up in the next three seconds," Vaggie groaned from her side of the bed, spear in hand for emphasis.
Charlie couldn't fault her.
"Vag-Ahh!"
Whatever Charlie was going to say died in her throat as the hotel shook and rumbled as wave after wave of powerful, oppressive, darkness encompassing aura threatened to reduce it and all within its confines into nothingness. The Princess of Hell and her lover fell from the bed, gravity felt like it had been increased by a hundred and Charlie saw her life flash before her eyes, but unlike how movies and novels told it, Charlie didn't see the good in her life, she saw the bad.
And she wasn't the only one.
Vaggie relived the brutal horrible training she and her fellow exterminators were subjected to under Adam and Lute. Angel Dust felt the same as when he was still under his abusive father's thumb before, in a fit of drug and alcohol induced rage took matters into his owner hands, and the despair and agony that followed. Pentious saw the man who killed countless women over and over again, his fear stopping him from taking any action, the killings growing more and more gruesome with each passing second.
Each sinner and demon present relived the worst parts of their lives. Their worst nightmares and none of them could stop it from happening.
"C-c-c-ha-" Vaggie, shaking like a leaf in a hurricane and sprawled on the floor like helpless newborn, could barely even speak.
Charlie was no better herself. Words failed to form. Never before had she felt so helpless. What was causing all of this?
"Uncle D, stop!" a voice, loud and clear as a bell, gonged throughout the Hazbin Hotel. A wave of gold soon followed after and the oppressive feeling lessened.
Not fade away, lessened.
"Vag-gie?" Charlie groaned, her legs buckled as she tried to stand, shaking too unsteadily from the unpleasant experience, and was forced to crawl towards the former exterminator on her hands and knees, "Vaggie?"
"Ugh," groaned the Latina woman, rivers of tears cascading down her eyes.
"Oh, my gosh. Are you hurt?" Charlie asked. The hoofed woman began fretting over Vaggie, hoping and praying to her Grandfather that she didn't find any damages.
"I'm not hurt," Vaggie managed to say. It was true. Physically she was fine, albeit a bit weakened. Emotionally and mentally was a different story.
Charlie wasn't fooled. She recognized Vaggie being tough when she saw it, "Vag-"
"Wat in the unholy fuck was dat?!"
Under other circumstances Charlie would have been glad to finally see Angel out of his room. But this wasn't such circumstances. Charlie looked at the sinner, his body supported by Cherri Bomb and both looked haggard if one wanted to be kind.
"Angel? Are-"
"If you ask if he's okay, I'm blowing this dump straight to kingdom come," Cherri Bomb warned with a glare.
"Try it," Vaggie glared back, her spear in hand and her wings fanned out in warning.
"None of that! How 'bout we all just calm down and figure out why this happened, alright?" Charlie suggested instead.
Cherri Bomb just blinked at her before looking at her friend, "We sure she's Hell's princess?"
"Trust me, thought da same thing when we first met but the Big Dick and Auntie M gave her cred," Angel answered, his eyes bloodshot, his form hunched over.
"Huh?" was all Cherri Bomb could say. She'd take Angel's word for it, "Whatever. Back to what Angie said, what the fuck was that?"
"We were just about to try and figure that out ourselves before you threatened us," Vaggie replied. Her wings were gone along with her spear but her glare remained.
"...You look different. Do something with your hair?" Cherri's inquiry made both Vaggie's eyes twitch.
Before anything else could be said, the group watched as Husk came running as if his life depended on it. Slung over his shoulder was Niffty, her single eye vacant and staring off into space. What was the old adage people used? The lights were on but no one was home?
More so than usual.
"Husk? What happen-Wait, where are you going? Where's he going?"
Rather than stay and answer, Husk continued running past the group until he shoulder-checked his room door open and tossed Niffty in unceremoniously before slamming the door shut. Nails were soon hammered through the door and the rattling sounds of chains were followed by the shimmer of light that encased the entrance.
"Dat ain't a good sign," Angel noted, more than a tad worried.
Having fought alongside him in their last training 'exercise,' sergeant crazy bitch, as Angel called her, had put them through; the sinner was familiar enough with the former overlord to know Husk could hold his own in a fight. Plus, as a sinner, and possibly the strongest sinner in the hotel - after Naruto and Alastor, of course! - while being cut, stabbed and crushed remained an unpleasant experience, it wasn't permanent given their regenerative capabilities and immortality.
For him to be running away like this meant it was too much even for him to deal with, or having no desire to deal with. Which meant they needed the help of someone a little stronger.
"Where's Auntie M and her squeeze?" Angel's question made the rest of them blink.
Sure enough, none spotted the Princess of Hell's eldest aunt or the eldest of God's children anywhere. Which was odd in Vaggie's opinion. From what she knew and experienced, whenever danger arose, Archangel Michelle had always been known to make her presence known if she was close by. For her not to do so meant either she wasn't here - which, to be honest, was a blessing given how loud she and her lovers could get at times - or whatever that unpleasant event was left her in a similar state.
Neither option would help them here.
"Should we check on her?"
"Later. Right now we need to figure what happened," Vaggie
"So, we're going towards the danger that left us weak as newborn joeys, not away from it? Right, you fucks have fun with that. Angie and I ain't brain dead," was Cherri's piece.
Vaggie just had about enough of the sinner, "Listen you-"
"What's going on?"
Speak of the Devil. Or, the Devil's sister, in this case.
"Where the hell were you?" Vaggie barked before she could stop herself.
Michelle's eyes narrowed and Vaggie sorely wished she could take back her words, "Resting."
Despite being more familiar with the group, and having grown tolerant of some of their antics, Michelle was still millions of years old, the eldest of God's children, a leader of Heaven, and powerful. So she was more than a tad prideful as a result. Vaggie, by contrast, despite being in a relationship with Michelle's niece, was still only an angel, and a fallen one at that even if the physical change hadn't taken root yet. In other words, Vaggie overstepped. Big time.
"Sorry, Lady Michelle," Vaggie quickly told the woman, practically prostrating herself and hoped it worked.
It didn't.
"I think I'll have Naruto up your training when I see him," was the woman's vindictive reply; her words had Vaggie turn to stone.
Adam had often regaled the exterminators on Michelle's training and told them they were lucky he decided to be more chill about it, even if the psychological trauma forever left their mark. But having seen her train with Naruto, and having endured Naruto's own brand of training, much as she'd love to say otherwise - at least the physical aspect of it - Adam's training was indeed more chill by comparison. And what she was enduring was only level one training.
"Auntie, aren't you being a little harsh?"
"You wanna join?" niece or not, Michelle wouldn't hesitate to deal out punishment to her brother's only child.
"Good luck, Vaggie. Sorry," Charlie quickly whispered her apology and wisely shut up.
"Smart choice, kiddo. Now, again, what's all the commotion about?"
"You mean you ssslept through that? How?" Pentious couldn't believe it.
"Slept through what?"
"You're telling me you didn't feel da hotel shake and da horror vision flash through your mind?" Angel couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"You sure you just didn't have a bad drug trip?" Michelle didn't condone the use of drugs, but she like much of Heaven had given up on dealing with that centuries ago.
"Not this time. Way too vivid."
"We had it, too, Auntie Michelle," Charlie admitted to her paternal aunt, making said woman blink in response.
"You did? My barrier must have blocked it," the exceptionally tall woman deduced.
"Barrier? What barrier?" Vaggie didn't recall any rooms having a barrier. Though now that it was out there, that probably wasn't a bad idea security-wise.
"I had a barrier put up in my room after the incident with Urielle, so she and any other pervert can't scry on me. Also works as a protective bunker, too, as a bonus."
"Wait, you have a barrier up in your room that prevented this, but you can't put up, oh, I don't know, a sound barrier?!"
"Was never good at them," was the archangel's excuse, and it was true.
But thanks to the image Heaven had painted of them ingrained in the minds of its countless residents, Vaggie had trouble believing that Heaven's Strongest Warrior would struggle with a privacy word or sound barrier.
"I call bull."
"I don't care. Where did this happen?"
"I think it came from the lobby."
"You think?"
"That's where the drunk cat came running from before he hid like a chicken shit," Cherri told the woman, who began making her way towards the hotel entrance.
As the group followed her, albeit much more slowly, Cherri still found it odd that one of Heaven's most powerful beings had taken a demon as a lover. Two, in fact. A male and a female. Cherri had never been religious given her circumstances and upbringing but even she had been thrown through a loop when she learned Archangel Michael had a pair of tits and no dick, and Heaven was tolerant and accepting of homosexuality. Much like the rest of the group, except for Charlie and Vaggie, Cherri had grown up with the traditional education of what heaven and its tenants were like. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't been unnerved when she first met the famed angel from the bible, who was a woman, brief as it was, given she mostly comforted Angel Dust.
"Uncle D-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Not again," the group fell flat to the ground as another gravity-crushing wave - less intense than the last, mind you - had them kissing the floor once more. In some cases, some on top of one another.
"So this is how I die," again, Cherri meant, "with my face buried between a pair of ass cheeks."
"Please stop talking," Charlie was blushing red; the vibrations from Cherri's voice didn't help. Vaggie, unable to move but very much wanting to do so, was glaring bloody daggers at the sinner.
"No offence, your royal heinie, but it could be worse."
"Sssspeak for yoursssself," Pentious' muffled voice told her.
"Great. I'm gonna die with dis guy between ma titfluff and without getting paid. Fuck me," Angel groaned from his own awkward position.
"Not. interesssted."
"Fuck you!"
Fortunately, the pressure went away rather quickly and none had to relive the bad memories from before. The group quickly and eagerly got off one another, some glaring at one another while one in particular was scared.
"Ss-ss-should we get involved with," Pentious gulped as he spoke, "Lady Michelle's Uncle D here?"
"Who's Uncle D?"
The group turned; a few jumped at the sudden, unexpected voice to see Carmilla's eldest dusky skin-toned child. A few took notice of her state, serving to distract them from the present situation. Her hair was all dishevelled, a small sheen of sweat was on her brow, and by the marks on her neck, it was clear to all what she and Michelle had been up to. Under normal circumstances, Angel would have been the first to ask her for details. Gay though he was, Angel had a love for gossip.
Instead, he bluntly told her, "Death."
Ana blinked at the quick answer, "When you say Death-"
"Grim Reaper. Creepy Jack Skellington that takes your soul. Dat guy," Angel explained with a shudder.
"You're kidding?" Ana and Cherri Bomb asked as one.
"I wisssh he wasss," Pentious still had nightmares of the tall wolf in black robes.
"Ange, when the fuck were you gonna tell me this?" Cherri wasn't all too keen on biting the bullet again, any time soon. Being around folk visited by the Harvester of Souls felt counterintuitive for that.
"Deal with him later. Let's go see what bullshit impossibility Naruto did this time," Vaggie normally would sigh but with Death and Heaven's Strongest Warrior apparently being in a bad mood, she forced it down.
The group made it to the lobby, some more slowly than others, and the sight of Death holding Naruto by the throat against the wall while Michelle held a sword at the immortal entity's throat.
"Put. him. down." Uncle or not, Michelle wouldn't hesitate.
"Miha, we both know that toothpick won't come close to stopping me," Death reminded her and the primordial being knew she knew this.
"It'll still hurt," Michelle wasn't lying.
She had never won a fight against him but should could land some decent blows if she truly went all out. She'd still lose, badly, and it would be more of a one-sided beatdown than a proper fight. But right now, seeing Naruto like this, Michelle wasn't thinking straight.
"What's going on?!" Charlie asked from the second floor.
"This hijo de puta messed with things he shouldn't have," Death glared at the blond in his grip.
"Why issssn't he fighting back?" Pentious inquired.
"You a dumbass? It's Death! Doubt even the Angelslayer could match up to him," Cherri wondered if Pentious' mind finally cracked.
"You'd be surprised," Angel muttered, ignoring Cherri's disbelieving looks.
Angel's eyes never left Naruto's form. They had seen Naruto fight - and win! - against the sickle-wielding wolf. Yet now he looked so vulnerable. Something was wrong. He wasn't the only one to realize. Ana wanted nothing more than to rush down there and give the wolf a piece of her mind. But she was no Overlord like her mother. She wasn't incredibly skilled at combat like Naruto or Michelle; at best, she could hold her own.
But that was against low or average demons. What was she gonna do against Death? Throw him a fucking chewtoy?
Somehow she doubted he'd take it well.
But despite Michelle's warning, Death's grip didn't loosen, the fur on his massive arm bristling as Michelle's blade pressed harder against his throat. A faint sizzle of holy light hummed where the edge met his dark hide, but the Reaper didn't even flinch. His crimson eyes remained locked on Naruto, who hung limply, his typical radiant aura entirely choked out.
"Uncle, please!" Charlie cried out, rushing down the stairs with Vaggie right at her heels, "We just survived whatever that... that nightmare was! We don't need a war in the lobby!"
"Better listen to her, Uncle. Drop him," Michelle ordered once more, her grip on her sword tighter than a nun's sphincter, "Because Uncle or not, or I swear to Dad I will carve a permanent scar into that ancient hide of yours."
Death sighed at his firstborn. Despite the present situation, his fondness for his brother's children remained, "You remind me so much of your mother when you give me that look."
"I've been told," was Michelle's clipped reply, not liking the reminder. She saw it for what it was: a distraction, "Last chance, Uncle."
"Why da fuck are you even choking the guy?!" Cherri Bomb yelled from the stairs, her hands on her hips despite her lingering exhaustion. "We all just got face-fucked by our worst memories, and you walk in here and start a wrestling match? What did he even do?!"
"Yeah!" Angel Dust added, leaning heavily against the banister, "He didn't do anything to cause that creepy-ass vision!"
The rest of the group nodded in frantic agreement. As far as anyone knew, Naruto had been just as much of a victim to the sudden wave of agony as they were.
Death's crimson eyes shifted slowly from Michelle to the crowd on the stairs, a low, rumbling chuckle vibrating in his chest. It was a sound that made Sir Pentious instinctively pull on his hood and slide further away from the balcony.
"You think he had nothing to do with this? That he's innocent?" Death's voice and the power behind it didn't just vibrate in the room; it echoed directly inside their minds, like an unrelenting cold, hard, savage knife, "He meddled where he had no right. He knows exactly why I am here. Don't you, boy."
Charlie blinked, looking between the terrifying primordial wolf and the blonde ninja. "Naruto? What is he talking about?"
Naruto didn't answer. He couldn't. His fingers twitched desperately, trying to form a seal, but he was bone dead tired from his earlier exploit and Death's grip was absolute. The grey wolf's claw was squeezing the very afterlife out of him, making even more tired than before. Even if Kurama were here he doubted he'd fare any better. Seeing her uncle wasn't making any movement to drop Naruto, Charlie mustered all the courage she could and ran forward before anyone could stop her.
"Charlie!" Vaggie cried and tried to reach out but fell short, her knees buckling the instant she tried taking a step.
"Uncle D, stop!" Charlie pleaded, stepping directly between Michelle and the Reaper, forcing herself to look up into the terrifying, shadowed face of the absolute end. "Whatever happened, you can't just kill him in our lobby! Talk to us! What did he do?"
The silence in the lobby was suffocating. Even Alastor, who had finally materialized near the shadows of the bar, hidden from view, kept his infamous grin perfectly still, his eyes darting between Death and the suffocating blonde, silently weighing the entertainment value against the absolute danger of the situation. He had no plans to die any time soon until his goals were met, and even then he still had more plans.
Fortunately, for everyone, the oppressive gravity in the room slowly began to lessen.
With a grunt, Death flung Naruto backward. The blonde ninja hit the floor hard, sliding a few feet across the carpeted floor before coughing violently, his hands flying to his bruised throat. Michelle was the first by his sword, immediately dropping her sword and dropping to her knees beside him. Charlie was the second to be by his side, followed quickly by Ana.
"Breathe, Naruto. Breathe!" Ana panicked, hands hovering over him, unsure where to touch. She was no medic. If she were her brainiac sister Blanca she might have some semblance of what to do, but she wasn't.
"He will live. More or less," Death stated with a dark, humourless chuckle. Charlie, Ana, and Michelle gave Death varying looks as he adjusted the dark fabric of his robes as if nothing had happened. He looked at the confused, terrified faces of the hotel residents before his eyes settled on Naruto once more, "You get one, cabrón. But let me be absolutely clear. If I ever catch you bringing souls back from the dead ever again, or even think about defying me, I won't just kill you. I will erase you. I will make certain the very concept, the very memory of you, is beyond reach. Don't. test. me!"
Before anyone could say anything, the Reaper dissolved into a swirling vortex of black flames, leaving the Hazbin Hotel residents in a stunned, breathless silence. Every single eye in the room immediately snapped to Naruto.
"...Wh-what did he mean, bring back from the dead?" Cherri inquired, and wondered if Death meant what they were all thinking.
"Y-ya don't think he meant-"
"Ah, shit, brat. I knew something was up," a voice from the entrance was heard.
"Kurama? How long-"
"Long enough to catch the last bit," answered the transformed Nine-Tailed Demon, a weary sigh escaping his lips, "He may not be a kid anymore, but he's still the same moron who lands his ass in the fire. Move aside."
Two of them were reluctant to do so but they gave him enough space to allow Kurama to place his hand on Naruto's chest. Crimson energy soon enveloped them both and the group watched as Kurama turned into particles of energy as he flowed back inside the seal. Color rapidly returned to Naruto's face, though he remained quite tired nonetheless.
"Darling?"
"I'm okay," Naruto reassured Michelle, his voice heavy with exhaustion.
"Good. But you owe us some answers," Michelle's tone left no room for argument, but her face softened, "After you rest."
"Rest...rest sounds good," the blond agreed, unable to keep his eyes open.
Michelle didn't waste a second. As soon as Naruto's eyes fluttered closed, she slid her arms under his arms and legs and carried the exhausted blonde up the grand staircase with Ana following right behind the towering heavenly being. The rest of the group watched them go in a stunned, heavy silence. While the threat of an angry Death was gone, the mystery he left behind felt like a ticking time bomb in the middle of the lobby.
"Well," Alastor purred, breaking the quiet as he leaned casually on his microphone cane, his grin widening slightly, "That was certainly a riveting piece of afternoon theatre! I must say, the Reaper really knows how to command a room."
"Shut up, Alastor," Vaggie snapped, rubbing her temples. The weight of her worst memories still made her hands shake, and the Radio Demon's amusement was the last thing she wanted to deal with. The knowledge, or the implied knowledge of what Death said, wasn't helping either. And if she was like this, it was unlikely the others weren't feeling the same way, and as she turned her attention back to the group and saw the looks they all bore, such an assumption was pretty spot on, "Everyone, just... go back to your rooms. Try to calm down. We aren't going to get any answers until Naruto wakes up anyway."
"Calm down?!" Cherri Bomb barked, crossing her arms defensively, "We all just got mentally mind-fucked by the fucking Grim Reaper of all things! Felt like this shit hole was gonna turn into one of my Tuesday craters. And the knocked-out-cold blond up there's the reason for this shitfest because he brought souls back from the dead. You really think we're just gonna go take a nap?"
"She's right, Vaggie," Angel Dust muttered, his voice unusually soft and entirely devoid of his usual sarcastic edge. The fact he used Vaggie name instead of his usual epithets told them just how messed up the situation was. He was staring at the spot on the floor where Naruto had been choking, his upper hands tightly gripping his own elbows, "Death said if he ever tried bringing souls back from the dead again, he'd end him. I mean, we all know he was a fuckin' superstar, insanely messed up powerful for a sinner, but what kind of crazy bullshit is dat?"
"I don't know, Angel," Charlie said gently, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Naruto always had a reason for what he does. Even if it's incredibly reckless," Kurama told them.
"Wait, weren't you-
"I'm a clone," the doppelgänger admitted. Shadow Clones were more Naruto's thing, but spending over a century and the relative peace during that time had Kurama learn a few new tricks. Though Naruto was easily a master of the technique, "The brat grew up, but Naruto's still Naruto no matter how old he gets. It's one of his many faults and what makes him, him."
"Kurama-"
"I'm not gonna say anything. Ask him when he wakes up. The brat's more than old enough to clean up after his own shit. I'm just here in case anything happens. It's what he would want," Kurama admitted.
"Thank you, Kurama," Charlie felt better, if only slightly, and one by one the group went their separate ways until Naruto was ready to talk.
Upstairs, Ana watched as Michelle carefully laid Naruto onto the plush bed in their bedroom. The barrier in her room flared briefly as she reinforced it while Ana pulled the blankets over his chest, her fingers lingering on his shoulder.
"He's completely drained," Ana whispered, looking up at the Archangel. "I've never seen him like this before. Winded, sure, after you two train but even then he barely breaks a sweat. This here, this feels different. I don't like it."
"Neither do I," Michelle acknowledged. The archangel stood at the foot of the bed, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. The anger that had fueled her confrontational stance against her uncle had faded but was now replaced by a deep worry. Her millions of years of experience told her exactly what kind of forces her lover had been tampering with, and the thought of it made even her angelic blood run cold.
"Michelle...when your uncle said...when he said," try as she might, Ana couldn't get the words to come out. Fear that doing so and the answer she would get would make it too real, too much for her to handle.
"When he said 'If I ever catch you bringing souls back from the dead ever again, or even think about defying me'?" Michelle finished for her, her voice dropping to a low, grim murmur. Seeing Ana nod, Michelle had her own weary look, "I'm sure we all know what he meant by that."
"How. How is that even possible? It can't be possible...can't it? Could Death have made a mistake?" speaking from experience, Ana lost count of the mistakes she made, in life and in death.
Was it impossible to think that even a primordial being such as Death could make mistakes? Michelle was the freaking Eldest Archangel of Heaven. Lucifer had been an archangel of Heaven and look what happened. He fell and ended up becoming the Devil, the Big Boss of Hell itself, as some called him.
"I don't know," Michelle had no answer. And it frightened her. There were only two ways to bring a person back to life.
The first was necromancy and just thinking about that made her frown, both because it didn't sound like something Naruto would do, and because necromancy was one of the more forbidden forms of taboo Heavenly didn't tolerate. Back when it was just used as a form of communicating with the deceased, it was one thing, but when it deviated into enslavement and its much more commonly known darker forms, Heaven decreed that any who practiced such arts earned them a one-way trip to Hell. But necromancy didn't truly bring a soul back to life; it created an echo, a copy or link of the soul to its former body. The revived would be no more than a husk. As far as she could recall, knowledge of such arts had more or less been wiped out.
The second way to bring a soul back to life, and this she hoped was not the case because thinking about it made her stomach churn, was if her Father was in a generous mood. And in the billions of years the Creator had been around, barely a handful had ever been brought back. And if that was the case.
"Oh, Dad," Michelle rushed to the bathroom as quickly as she could, as the implications, try as she might, sank in. Ana followed after and held the retching woman's hair while their lover slept comfortably in the bed, unaware of the chaos that was happening around him.
XxXxX
"This is impossible," Peter muttered.
"I knew it, I knew, I fucking knew something didn't add up," Adam raved and ranted, "No ordinary demon could overpower me. Especially a sinner."
"Just say the word, sir, and I'll have the rest of the ex-Heavenly Host ready to end this abomination," Lute quickly corrected herself. The man's second in command was more than ready and willing to end the freak of nature. The thief who, in her mind, somehow got hold of one of the Almighty's most precious of gifts.
"This is impossible," Peter muttered.
"Adam, Lute. For once, do me a favour: shut the fuck up," Sera ordered, not in the mood to deal with them.
Emily and Peter normally would have been floored by the fact that Sera of all people swore. Never before had they ever heard her use such language, but right now. But both remained floored at what they just witnessed.
"This is impossible," Peter muttered.
"Will you stop that?! It's getting annoying," Urielle barked at Peter.
The man had been repeating the same phrase over and over for quite some time now, and frankly, the Pencil-Pusher of Heaven was this close to smiting the winner angel back to his time period. Urielle was already stressed enough dealing with the bureaucracy of the Seven Heavens; learning what she just did was like taking out the wrong block in a game of Jenga.
She was at the tipping point.
"Emily, take Peter and wait outside.
"But-"
"Now!" Sera ordered the junior seraphim, "That's an order."
Sera rarely used such a tone with her and rarely pulled the rank card, too, with her as well, so it was quite clear to Emily that she had no elbow room to argue. Even then that didn't stop it from hurting a bit, "Come on, Peter. Let's-"
"Stay," was Urielle's command.
"Lady Urielle-"
"That's my order, High Seraphim," was Urielle's stance.
She wasn't a fighter in the same capacity as Michelle or Lucifer, but she was an archangel, one of the seven Godsborn, she was by no means lacking in terms of raw divine power and authority. Much as she'd like to protest, Sera was a stickler for rules and the hierarchy of Heaven and Heaven's tenants; she obeyed the angel's orders without question.
"You can stay," Sera told Peter and Emily, much as she didn't want Emily to.
At least Peter knew of Extermination Day; Emily she'd have preferred to remain ignorant. Oh, Sera knew one day she'd have to bring her into the loop when the younger seraphim took over Sera's role, but part of her hoped that when that day came the need for Extermination Day would no longer be a necessity.
"So, uh, can we discuss the youknowwhat?" Sera's eye twitched fiercely at Adam's less-than-subtle approach.
"May I smite him?" Sera muttered lowly to Urielle.
"He's your underling," was the woman's decree, "But do it later. Right now, we need to deal with this shitstorm. Fuck me, the paperwork I'm gonna have to deal with after all this."
"Not to mention the other archangels."
"Ugh!" Sera's comment made the archangel groan, her head banging against the table with an audible resounding thud! "Kill me."
The only thing worse than dealing with paperwork was dealing with all of her siblings at once, in Urielle's opinion.
"Right, so, summon the troops? Go down, nab the douchenozzle and bring him back up for judgment?" Adam inquired.
Urielle rolled her eyes, "Yeah, cuz that worked out so well-"
Sera coughed, and Urielle saw the woman's eyes gesturing towards Emily. Luckily, the junior Seraphim was distracted as she tended to Peter.
"Oh, right," Urielle muttered, "That won't happen. Yet anyway."
"But Lady Urielle-"
"Could you tell me, without a doubt, that either one of you could handle him. Put aside your pride and your hate, and give me your honest answer," Urielle demanded of Lute and Adam.
Lute's fist clenched enough to the point blood vessels would normally burst, and as much as she wanted to say otherwise - painfully so, in fact! - she couldn't, "No...not yet anyway."
"Not yet?"
"That, uh, little side project, we've seen some results thanks to," was Adam's proud reply.
"Really? And how'd you pull that...You stupid fuck," Urielle couldn't believe, her mind was the sharpest among her siblings and the woman quickly, "You went to War?"
Even Sera was stunned, "You can't be serious?"
"Hey, you said if we didn't get any results-"
"But to go to the Red Woman of all beings?" Sera had wanted to give Adam the benefit of the doubt, more than once, but she could not believe the sheer level of stupidity, "How did you even get her to agree?"
"Wasn't easy," Adam shuddered at the memory.
"That doesn't answer my question, Adam," Sera wasn't in the mood for cryptic replies, "What. did. you. promise?"
"A fight worthy of her, Your Highness," Lute's answer made Sera blink.
"A fight?" Sera inquired, and the look Lute gave her made it clear what she meant. Her eyes narrowed, "We'll discuss this further. For now, we need to find all that we can about this demon. Peter!"
"Uh, yes?" Peter responded, his tone low and soft in contrast to his usual energetic self. In all honesty, it was worrisome seeing him like this.
"I want you and Emily to find out anything you can about this demon. Find anything about him, understand."
"Sure, I mean, I think I can. My book can only tell me who's in Heaven, not what they did, but I think I can dig something up. Umm...what did you say his name was?"
"Uzumaki Naruto."
"Uh, okay. Do we know why's he in Hell?"
"Who knows. The shit probably robbed or killed or somethin'. Not fuckin' important. He's a demon that has the Big Man's come back to life card. You know what that fuckin' means, right?"
"I-"
"Never mind, you don't know jack, bellhop. It means we could go down there and end demons left and right, but he could just bring 'em back. Dealing with means shit now! Hell's just gonna get more and more demons coming in and when they find out they have someone who can make hellborn immortal and not just those fucking losers who end up down there, they're gonna want a piece of us," Adam had never felt so angry, especially when the memory of Lilith and her 'protests' - insurrections, was what Adam called it - popped into his mind.
But what made him even angrier was the fact that a demon had such power; a power he, as the First Man, should rightfully have made absolutely no sense. He brought humanity into existence with his own dick. Got banished from Eden because of his cunt of an ex and the shortstacked clown. Had to suffer and struggle for a thousand years before he entered paradise.
He was an archangel - in title only, mind you, - a leader of Heaven. The first human soul to become one. But even then Adam felt he deserved more.
"I'm sorry, but are we certain we should be doing anything?"
"Yer joking, right? Tell me she's joking. Are you high?" Adam demanded Emily.
"How do we know this isn't the Almighty's doing?"
"Oh, gee, why didn't I think of that? Oh, right, 'cause that's freakin' stupid! No way would the Big Guy let anyone, let alone a fuckin' demon of all things, have that kind of gift. And if he did, pretty sure it would be one of us," Adam couldn't believe the junior Seraphim.
"Lord Adam's right. The Almighty would never do such a thing," Lute, ever the brown-nosing dog that she was, agreed with her superior.
"But isn't that more plausible than a demon somehow stealing that ability?" Emily argued back.
"It-I-I mean..." Adam tried to argue but his LED mask distorted in such a way that it gave the impression of a stroke victim.
"This is getting nowhere. For now, see what you can find. Until then, this doesn't leave this room. Emily, Peter, dig up all that you can. If need be, go down to Earth and see what you can find."
"Earth? Why there?" not that Peter was complaining; he hadn't been to Earth in some time.
"We only keep records of our own people, not Hell's," Urielle reminded him. Excluding the Sins and the other who were cast out with Lucifer and Lilith, Heaven didn't keep track of every single individual in Hell. The number was too vast to keep track of anyway.
"Records, birth certificates, the internet. We have agents below who can help. Find and use anything you can if nothing shows up. You're dismissed. Adam, Lute, I want a word," Sera ordered the two lower-ranked angels.
"This is a fucking shitshow," Urielle muttered as her office emptied. It was times like this she wished her Father was back from wherever he was. Urielle was so sick of dealing with this crap.
XxXxX
Velvette bore a bored expression as she waited for the late member of the group to arrive. Vox, by comparison, was looking out onto his shark tank, and its newest inhabitant. A massive biotechnological creature made by Baxter, one of the more brilliant minds under their employ, that Vox affectionately called . The beast was huge and had already made sushi out of the other sharks that previously called the tank home. Truth be told, not that she'd admit it out loud, the damn beast but Velvette on edge.
Damn Jaws film.
"Alright, I'm here, let's get this fucking over with. I got a shit ton to do, and I got deadlines to meet," was how Valentino decided to announce his arrival.
Though Velvette had to agree that she too wanted this meeting over and done with for the same reasons. Say what you will about Valentino, the man was quite professional when it came to meeting deadlines on his film projects. Vox, however, didn't say anything in response as Valentino sat and grabbed a drink from one of the 'Kitty' variants of the Fizz-bots lies. When this went on for nearly a minute, Valentino looked at Velvette, and she responded with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Vox?"
"We have a problem. A big. fucking, yellow-haired pain in the ass problem," Vox finally spoke.
"What's the stud done this time?" Velvette was uninterested, her eyes glued to her cellphone, but a bolt of lightning made her jump and rendered the device irreparably useless, "Oi! The fuck was that for?"
"Sit down and shut up. Both of you."
Velvette and Valentino blinked, their eyes looking at one another before they looked back at the face of the company. Vox rarely spoke to them like that. Oh, he could vent and bitch and moan but that was different. All three did that from time to time. This, however, was something else. Powerful and egotistical as he was - and he was that in spades! - Vox couldn't handle both Velvette and Valentino at the same time. At least in Velvette and Valentino's minds, that is. Even then, they knew him well enough to see this was important and he wanted no nonsense from either one of them at the moment. In other words, shit was about to hit the fan.
Tons of it.
"Alright," Valentino began taking a puff from his quellazaire, "What's the shitstain done that's got your panties in a twist?"
Velvette would admit she too was curious. She and Valentino had good reason to hate the Angelslayer. Val because he took Angel Dust from him and she because he humiliated her in front of the most influential Overlords in Pride, not counting the hellborn one.
"I just heard from our spy-"
"Spy? What are you...Are you fucking telling me my star's still under your spell? You're just telling me now?!" Valentino snarled at his on-and-off-again lover.
"Barely," Vox was forced to admit with an annoyed grunt.
Without Angel under their employ, giving him his usual dose of hypnotism was rather difficult. And the longer he went without said dose, the less influence Vox could exert over him until, eventually, Vox's hold became nonexistent. And each time he managed to covertly coax something from the unwitting Angel, the faster that influence deteriorated.
"Who cares about the puff. You have his sister," Velvette reminded.
"Fucking good that is. Molly's good, but she's no Angel Dust," Val said in a huff. Twin or not, Angel's sister didn't have the same reputation, so her fanbase wasn't nearly as high as her brother's. Angel was his greatest accomplishment as an overlord and that hadn't happened overnight.
"Fucking focus," Vox reminded the two, "Angel's gone, who cares."
"I care!" Valentino wasn't making anywhere as much money as before. It was still more than most but still.
"I don't," was Vox's cold reply, "What you should care about is ending the Angelslayer."
"Oh, sure, right, because that went so well last time," Velvette reminded, "You forget why he's called that, Vox? He did what no overlord ever did in fucking centuries. What makes you think any of us stand a chance?"
"Tell me, Vel. Which is the bigger number: one or seven?"
Velvette blinked at him, "Are you seriously quoting Game of Thrones?"
"Good, you understand what I'm talking about. Saves me the trouble of explaining," if she had her phone, Velvette would have filled Vox's with so many arrows.
"I don't understand what you're talking about," said the confused Valentino.
"Of course you don't. The point is, one mind, one goal, one army. If all of Pride bands together, we can end him," Vox grinned viciously, his eye swirling like mad.
"And how, pray tell, are we supposed to do that? They're scared of him, no small part thanks to us, but what makes you think they'll do that?"
"Because, Vel, if there's one thing people love, it's power. And if anyone threatens whatever scrap or morsel of power, they go on the attack. They hate the status quo being shaken up. And the Angelslayer? Ohoho, he fucken shook it up bad."
"Tell us something we don't already know, Vox," Velvette was getting bored, her attention waning rapidly. The same could be said of Valentino.
"The Angelslayer can bring souls back from the dead: Heaven and Hell," Vox told her.
Suffice it to say, Vox had both their undying attention.
Please be aware that I have created a Patron page which I am doing because unfortunately, times are tough and I need to make ends meet and help a family member who recently lost their job and has not been able to find anything in the last four months. My original stories, former stories, one shots and story ideas are all there as well.
I will be posting on Ao3, too, same author's name, but it may be slow as their set up's a bit clunky. Currently my Patron page has the Stay of Execution 1 to 9 (with another coming in a week or two), Three chapters of Sailor Moon (newest chapter is up), and 13 Harry Potter and the Power of the Gamer (12 to 13 are new), Nidaime has six chapters there presently ranging from 8k to 11k words, Naruto Gamer 1 to 23 (three latest chapters are there), my original stories (non-Fanfiction which is a dark isekai)
I will be posting a minimum 3-5 chapters a month there (some story chapters may take longer due to their length). For some reason, since doing that, I've been able to dish out chapters more quickly and I'm more motivated then I've ever been in years. Don't know if it's because of payment or because Fanfiction has been disappointing me for a very long time now and Archive is a jumbled mess that doesn't really allow me to see my stats but I've already completed 9 chapters already.
Also, I have art there for my stories to provide a better idea of gear, people, and places for greater visual.