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Amelia, Worm AU [Complete]

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by TanaNari, Jan 10, 2015.

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  1. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    That makes them sound like they're nice people who help out parahumans. I prefer 'paravores'.
     
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  2. Mr. Tebbs

    Mr. Tebbs Not too sore, are you?

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    para-cannibal? parannibal?
     
  3. theBSDude

    theBSDude Space Ace

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    "Humanitarian" = "cannibal" is an old joke, guys. There's a TVTrope about it: jokes like "I don't drinkā€¦ wine." and "have them over for dinner."
     
  4. rooster

    rooster Succ

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    This is the most hilarious thing in this fic for a long time.
     
  5. pepperjack

    pepperjack A Variety of Cheese

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    New to me. (The others I've heard, but not this one.)
     
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  6. TanaNari

    TanaNari Verified Dick

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    Thanks. We'll see how it pans.

    There was a handy link providing examples during the discussion.

    Arguably fewer. Just a different style.

    Including extend-o-sword. Dunno which S9 member Vicky doubles as.

    God I hope not. I *despise* that part of the fic. I'm actually near the point of quitting the fic over its focus on that (and the powers) instead of character dynamics.

    *Scribbles notes furiously*

    ...

    What?

    I heard it, like, a decade ago. But shush, I'm busy picturing GU and Noelle eating each other. It's hilarious.

    You'll need them. It's quite a mess.

    Not sure if insulted. :(
     
  7. pepperjack

    pepperjack A Variety of Cheese

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    To be fair, it was pretty funny.
    Aren't we all? It's times like these we're glad you moved to QQ.

    More seriously, though, this would have to go into the NSFW section if you wrote it. We're more lenient over here about most things, but...

    ...oh, wait, you still meant as in cannibalism, didn't you? Nevermind, SFW should be fine.
     
  8. hellgodsrus

    hellgodsrus Not too sore, are you?

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    Fair enough. I did the edits in a hurry and tried to keep the text basically as you'd written it - not being Mary Shelley I'm not good at stitching together two completely different things and ending up with a living being.

    The argument from length however seems a little bizarre. I understand that you like to keep an insanely impressive update schedule, but if necessary I'd prefer you to slow down and improve your quality.

    I also took some time last night before going to bed to hunt through my bookcase for further examples on both sides of the debate. A Scanner Darkly, Philip K. Dick's best written work though it isn't my favourite, had no uses of speech verbs other than said. On the other hand, PKD is a bit known for somewhat purple prose, you might say. Fair enough. Neal Asher, my go to fun but dumb author didn't really use much other than said in the bits of the Gabble that I flicked through, even for things being said by the Gabbleducks. George Orwell's Animal Farm didn't have much speech, but when it showed up it was with said. My old battered copy of the Iliad in greek that I quickly thumbed through confirmed that Homer only really used one word for speaking, and he was the master of making every single word count and using one where a lesser man would have used three. Then again, none of these are exactly masters of KISS. So let's go to the head honcho of KISS writing, good old Ernest Hemingway. I reread Big Two-Hearted River as a palette cleanse to get in the mood to do a proper rewrite of the opening of 351 with less purpleness, and the only modifier in the whole thing was one 'happily'. In The Sun Also Rises, he barely uses speech verbs at all, and when they do show up, guess what they are?

    I also took the time to get in touch with a friend of mine who's an English Professor at Oxford University and asked them for their opinion on the matter. Their thoughts were that speech verbs (and indeed adjectives and adverbs and all the rest) get in the reader's way and draw attention to the author rather than letting the reader get absorbed. In a sense they prevent immersion because if you're busy thinking 'what a great metaphor' or 'man, what a lovely speech verb' you aren't thinking about the events of the narrative. Said is effectively invisible and doesn't get in the way.

    With that said, here's a full rewrite of the opening of 351:

    ---===---

    'There may be a solution,' Alexandria said. 'It is unlikely to be to everyone's taste.'

    A hint of suspicion mixed in with worry from Taylor through the link. 'What is it?'

    'We are aware of a parahuman with certain skills who might have some ideas on the subject.' Her gaze turned to Chevalier. From her position behind him, he wouldn't be able to see it. 'She is, however, insane. Very young. One of the few who perpetuate that myth about triggering young.'

    HorrorTrepidation. Damn. We'd need to get Chevalier out of the room if we wanted to use her at all. 'What's her power?' I had to play along, pretend I didn't know the answer. Damn, damn, damn.

    'Mostly a Thinker ability. It grants her a certain perspective on parahuman abilities she's been using to assist Eidolon. They've become rather close.'

    'In effect, what you're saying is that we're calling in Eidolon and hoping he can pull out a power to sort this out?' Lisa's response seemed too rote to be her own, almost like she was reading it out of a book. Or, more likely off Alexandria, almost like I could off Taylor. I could almost understand why she found it eerie when we did it.

    'Yes. It is certainly a better alternative than waiting for your Tinkers to undo this interaction. It has been going for - some time.'

    A flash of an idea and a rise in confidence in Taylor had me quickly looking at her. I wouldn't ask her what her plan was in front of everyone, no matter how tempted I was.

    'The other interactions are certainly more short lived,' Lisa said. 'Generally only the side effects last this long. That thing - it's a prismatic forcefield that's continuing to use up energy at what must be a pretty stupendous rate.'

    'Y'know, sis.' I did my best not jump at Vicky's voice right next to my ear. 'I think you just set this up to get out of family dinner.' Turning to the rest of the group, she continued. 'I took a closer look at it. It isn't really moving, but it made a couple of grabs when I got closer. Enter at your own risk.'

    'No weak points?' Taylor asked.

    'It's not alive. Definitely one of Anima's constructs, from what I could tell. A lot of people are still alive in there, thankfully. Anima, Sabah, Dubstep. Couldn't ever sense GL, so he's probably somewhere in there too. Lots of injured. I really do mean a lot. Someone forgot to mention that there were at least a hundred people in this drug den. How they managed that -'

    Lisa rubbed at her face. 'Fuck. They were using a pocket dimension that they could move from place to place. And that got folded in with everything else. Another rope to the knot.'

    ConcernFear. 'Um. Lisa. What will Scion do if he sees this? It - doesn't it seem like the kind of thing he'd want to stop? We've pushed our luck with the portals and the dimensional viewing tech.'

    Dragon's voice echoed through the room as she spoke. 'Scion related blackout in the western Egypt region.'

    'Doesn't really matter,' Lisa said. 'He's got roughly the same statistical likelihood of showing up at any given spot on the planet. If he comes here, he'll come here.'

    ---===---

    EDIT: Aaaand you're listening a bit. Damn. Kinda didn't want to waste the couple of hours I spent on research last night, but apologies for harping on it.
     
  9. GladiusLucix

    GladiusLucix Versed in the lewd.

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    TanaNari, after the discussion of Homosexual Narnia over in the NSFW Worm idea thread, I started wondering:

    Has Anima ever tried to summon Aslan, or a sufficiently similar ripoff?
     
  10. TanaNari

    TanaNari Verified Dick

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    She prefers to keep her nonhumanoids nonsapient... too much squick factor for the intelligent ones...

    A couple hours? Eeesh.

    I still can't say I like your version. I find it bland, honestly. I may go overboard on the bookisms... but I find that *far* better than the alternative of defaulting to "said" where possible. And they do contribute to the storytelling, so ridding them entirely does exactly no favors in my personal tastes.

    Like I said, and have shown, I more than willing to toy with modifying my style to improve on it- fuck, that's the whole GOAL- but I don't feel your examples are an improvement. The quality is, at best, a *lateral* move, and you add a lot of extraneous text that contributes nothing to the story, where one of those bookisms you complain about can do all of that, and arguably more, in a single word instead of a whole sentence.

    We'll see if my take works. I'm not planning to eliminate them entirely, but I'll see if I can work without so many.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2015
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  11. hellgodsrus

    hellgodsrus Not too sore, are you?

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    I like to be thorough. Also, I'll happily admit that it's very much a pet peeve - I know it bothers some people way less than it does me. Not sure what you mean by extraneous text though - it's certainly not my best work, mostly because I wasn't very inspired because rewriting something someone else did isn't very inspiring - but every word I used I used for a reason. Only thing I can think of that was a little futile was Dragon's voice echoing, but that was because I was resisting the urge to launch into a more detailed description of what feeling Taylor's emotions might feel like because I became intrigued and started thinking about what that would actually be like...

    As I said - fair enough. It's your work, and it's just my opinion on it.
     
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  12. TanaNari

    TanaNari Verified Dick

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    You're right, it's really not. Editing as a job sucks balls.

    Pity... that would probably have made a much more interesting read.

    ... I'll need to work Taylia-like elements into one of my future stories. It's just wonderful. More fiction deserves similar concepts. Fortunately, it's one of the elements in my Midara series that I'm planning after this 'fic is done (which is part of why I put it in this story, so I *could* experiment).

    Although in Midara it's a wedding ceremony unto itself and done by magic. Not weird superpowers.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2015
  13. hellgodsrus

    hellgodsrus Not too sore, are you?

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    Didn't want to tread on your toes. You've got an interesting way of handling it set up - it's not the way I would have done it, but it's interesting. I would have had a lot more fun with identity crises and the sheer weirdness of it all - what would it really be like to feel suddenly angry and know that you weren't actually feeling it? How the hell would you deal with that? Wouldn't it effect your own speech patterns, behaviours? etc.

    Got a couple of original works in my noggin that have similar stuff, though magic not superpowers as well. I'd be interested to hear more about Midara if you have the time.
     
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  14. Threadmarks: Amelia, Ch 354
    TanaNari

    TanaNari Verified Dick

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    Amelia, Ch 354


    ShockDisgustAnger. I actually staggered under the effect. "T-Taylor," I struggled to speak.


    RealizationRegretGuilt. Taylor wrapped her arms around me. "Sorry, I'm just... fuck... I never thought Lisa would."


    I stepped back and put my hand on the side of her face. "Taylor, settle down, you're rambling."


    She took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "You're right, just give me a minute."


    The problem with our link, at least from Taylor's side, is that she couldn't offload her emotions into her swarm. The problem for both of us is that we couldn't just pretend we didn't feel anything, the very attempt at doing so just forced those feelings into each other. It had a lot of pleasant advantages, we could use it to give each other support and strength. It also had disadvantages, like right now, when Taylor was pissed and wanted to remain that way. With that in mind, I spoke up. "Would you like me to dull the link a bit?"


    ConsiderationGratitudeFear. "No, that would be a really bad idea. I need a reason to stay calm right now."


    I was glad she said no, I didn't want to leave her like this. I leaned in and hugged her. "Okay, I'm here for you."


    GratitudeSupportLove. We waited a few minutes like that, probably getting our share of stares from the others, not that I cared in the slightest, though I did take the time to look over at Lisa. She said something that made Taylor act like this. In an act I had never done without consent before, I tapped into Lisa with my senses. Not enough to give away my presense, just enough to know what was happening inside her. A complex swirl of frustration, grief and regrets. The fuck did they say to each other? This was huge and I didn't know what it was.


    Taylor eventually spoke. "She said we weren't real," her voice carried her hurt. "That we're, and I quote, 'replacements' for the real Taylor and Amelia and all the others."


    That bitch! CalmProtectiveLove. "What do we do?" I finally asked.


    "Well, we have to talk to her about it," Taylor replied. "Like, honestly talk to her. Which means calming down first and not doing something stupid. I get the feeling that's what she wants, an excuse. It would explain her behavior lately."


    I sighed, thinking back on everything. "We should have had this conversation a while ago. Do we bring others into this? I mean, it concerns pretty much the whole team, and we need to tell them something, let them know we're trying to fix this mess."


    I could feel as Taylor's emotions shifted, getting a little more intense as she pushed her feelings down to think tactically. She was smarter than me, I trusted her to handle the planning while I handled the feeling for both of us. "Crystal needs to know, she's a team leader, and she's been there from the beginning. Plus she's pretty much the only other person on this team that would call Lisa a friend. Dragon and Emma are too critical for us to not make aware... and the closest thing we have to impartial consultants. Keep R-Clarice from finding out, whatever you do."


    I cringed at that thought. I wasn't entirely sure where I ranked compared to Theo and Missy, whose side she'd be on if there was a conflict, but we were the most important people in Riley's life. Followed by Taylor, Victoria, and Emma. Of all of us, only Emma had never been restored. As pissed as I was at Lisa right now, it wasn't enough to let Riley off the metaphorical leash on her. "Okay, no Clarice."


    I looked over at Crystal's group. She stood with a smaller guy whose name I forgot, and Lily who was comforting Sabah. "We should probably at least let Lily know we're not happy with Lisa right now. She's probably not happy, either."


    Taylor nodded. "Good thinking. You handle Crystal and Lily. I'll make contact with Emma and Dragon. And we should probably find a way to apologize to Chevalier."


    She's not wrong about that. "I should apologize to my sister, too," I offered. "We put her in a pretty tight spot with Chevalier." AmusedMischievous. "Oh, jeez, Taylor. Honestly? You barely ever spend any time around Zach."


    AbashedApologetic. She blushed slightly. "Sorry, but I kinda overheard your sister talking to Chevalier when she was luring him off, and what you said reminded me of it. Yeah, it's probably best if you're the one who talks to Vicky. But you'll have to deal with Crystal first."


    "Right." I started walking over to Crystal and her team, or what was there with her. I was almost a stranger to them, except Sabah and Lily. I'd never even met some of them, and the ones I had met, I only remembered Sveta's name because she was one of the Endslayers.


    The smaller boy was talking. "He'll be okay, he's untouchable."


    Crystal noticed me coming. "Any news?" Her question was more like a demand. I glanced over at Lily and Sabah. That's right, she lost two team members.


    "Not about your people," I admitted. "I just wanted to apologize for this... everything. We didn't realize Lisa was going to send your team off without you knowing about it. Or that she was going to go off on Chevalier like that. Rest assured, we're going to talk to her."


    Crystal looked at me. "So you would have approved this mission?"


    "Well, yes," I admitted. "Lisa wasn't wrong about the power interaction being random and absolutely impossible to predict. I've already asked Emma and Clarice. Even our new powers Tinker agreed. Knowing what we do now, of course we wouldn't do this. But it was a good plan to grab an important asset, with Dinah giving it great odds of success at very little risk. It's just... Lisa went about it all wrong. We would have let you know about the plan, had you with your team. Informed the Protectorate and PRT about the whole thing in the first place, simply out of respect. She crossed the line, fucking with everyone like this."


    I glanced at the others. I hadn't originally planned to say all that in front of them. But they had two casualties, and while our experts expected Anima to recover, that probably didn't make them feel better about everything right now. "And, umm, mind if I talk to you alone for a minute, Cr- Eki."


    Crystal glanced back at her people. "Sure. I won't be long."


    I walked away a bit, then sent the pulse of concentration necessary to encase us in a dome of Yggrasil as a privacy screen. It wasn't the most subtle of ways to have a private conversation, but coupled with a few of the anti-Thinker bits that were designed to link through my armor and into the plant in much the same way as the shunt drives, it meant that we were invisible to most forms of remote vision, and even had minor precog barriers around us. Unless I wanted to cuddle with Crystal the same way I did with Taylor, it was the best way to have a private conversation. It even blocked Taylia, which was part of why I avoided it.


    Crystal looked around. "So, what's this about?"


    "Taylor got a head start on chewing out Lisa. I'm not sure exactly what was said, but Lisa decided to go for a really low blow."


    Crystal close her eyes and didn't bother opening them again. "Yeah, sounds about right. Know what? I've stopped caring. All that shit about her telling me that I was doing a good job on the west coast branch, and it was a important for the team. Then she does this. You can kick her off the team for all I care. I... is what I'm doing here even important to the team? Am I making a difference? Please, be honest with me."


    Her eyes opened, and she looked right into mine. In a lot of ways, she was the prettiest of the New Wave girls. Her round face and large eyes were the kind that could break hearts, even if she didn't quite have my sister's breathtaking beauty. I couldn't lie to her, not with her eyes watering with a barely successful attempt to not cry.


    "I... from an image angle, yes, definitely." It was the best I could offer her. "We've mostly given up on Bet, putting all of our focus on growing and stabilizing Avalon, researching powers and improving our tech. It does matter, though. Sabah's an especially big deal for our effort to draw in rogues, and attracting new triggers. You're one of our most popular members."


    "But nothing you couldn't live without," she concluded. "Nothing that requires I lead a team."


    "No, probably not," I admitted. "I'm sorry."


    She turned away from me, leaning her head against the wall. "Then I'm quitting."


    What. "What?"


    "I never wanted this job, Ames. I took responsibility because no one else could or would, but I never wanted this. The Endbringers and the politics and Lisa's bullshit and Sabah being Sabah and now Anima's probably not going to recover for a month and Glen's probably dead, but we'll never know because we can't see him. I can't keep living like this. It's not worth it, it hasn't been for a long time. I'm sorry. I'll stick around until you guys can figure out my replacement or disband the team into our other ally groups or whatever needs to be done. And I'll still be a part of the Endbringer fights. But outside of that, I'm resigning."


    Oh. Oh fuck everything. And fuck you in particular, Lisa. I walked up and put a hand on my cousin's shoulder. "Don't worry, I get it. You've done more than enough and should take whatever time you need. We'll figure everything out after the next Endbringer. If you still feel certain this is the right decision."


    "I will," she interrupted.


    It took a minute before I could trust myself to speak. "Thank you for everything." I moved in and wrapped my arms around her. Fuck everything.


    ====================


    A/N- I wonder if anyone's surprised about this. I would hope not, it's been telegraphed since even before Beelzebub.

    Also... my characters were far too happy lately. So that had to be changed.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2015
  15. hellgodsrus

    hellgodsrus Not too sore, are you?

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    Good stuff. Particularly liked the stuff with the link, and the whole 'Crystal quits!' thing, which I really should have seen coming.

    Lisa...I'll reiterate. READ I AM A STRANGE LOOP. It solves your stupid problems. Seriously. Also, it's by Douglas Hofstader, author of Goedel Escher Bach and one of the finest mathematicians of our generation. It's excellent. Read it. Read it Lisa.
     
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  16. Daunmi

    Daunmi Shun the sun, night so nice

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    Been waiting for Lisa to blow up for a while, though I hadn't settled on what it would be about. Also, haven't you been leading up to splitting people since Dinah's showing at the little party they all had, back when Taylor and Amelia first hooked up to each other properly?
     
  17. Rentoba

    Rentoba Shocked Panda

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    Clearly my social skills are non existent since I didn't see this coming. Then again I've never been a fan of the whole looking underneath stuff. Give it to me straight or I'll never know.
     
  18. TanaNari

    TanaNari Verified Dick

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  19. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Fallout. It happens.

    Needs endquotes.
     
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  20. VaporDeagle

    VaporDeagle A

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    I can see Crystal getting tried of all these shit.

    The New Wave started out to have cape integrated into the normal society and Crystal was already studying on Accounting degree.(I think, was it ever mentioned?)

    Then shit happened to her father and brother, her other cousin died as well and then Amelia turned badass and made a magical tree.

    She's probably thinking, yeah might as well stuck to cape life. Except Pantheon was totally way out of her league as it continued to grow.

    Then Vicky came back and got bullshit power precog, shape-shfting power on top of her breathtaking sexiness while her power stayed mediocre.

    She pretty much got kicked off the team when she got sent off elsewhere, far away from everyone else.
     
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  21. Peanuckle

    Peanuckle Versed in the lewd.

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    Did not see that coming. Then again, Crystal grew up in a family that (nominally) promoted openness and honesty. No surprise she'd be tired of this shit.

    I guess this is how the "five groups at the end" form. The ones currently in existence fracture.

    Lisa is in a curious spot: She's rapidly becoming too troublesome, but on the other hand she's critical to the day-to-day operations of Pantheon. I wonder how they'll resolve this.

    Since Lisa doesn't view the clones as the original people, I wonder if she'd consent to having a clone of her made and altered for Pantheon's use, while she goes off to join Alexandria. They could call their team AM.

    Boy would that turn a lot of heads.
     
  22. pheonix89

    pheonix89 Wanna be game dev

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    I dunno. Alexandria is gonna be all kinds of pissed at Lisa over this shit.
     
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  23. Peanuckle

    Peanuckle Versed in the lewd.

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    I doubt she's got the perspective to really understand either side of Pantheon's positions. Plus, she's grown upset with Cauldron, so she can sympathize with being in an organization you don't care for.
     
  24. Prince Charon

    Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know?

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    Still feeling more sorry for Lisa than for the others. Yes, she fucked up, but she's been under a lot of stress, with few outlets and too little emotional support - Alexandria likely helped, but not enough, due to the need to find excuses to interact with her.
     
  25. SwiftRosenthal

    SwiftRosenthal Connoisseur.

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    Worm runs on conflict balls and miscommunication so I really shouldn't have been surprised, but still. On a Watsonian level, this kind of bullshit is completely pointless. JUST FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER GODDAMMIT :mad:

    On a Doylist level, you just about admitted in the AN that you're making the characters suffer for the sake of suffering. I doubt I'm the only one who has a problem with this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2015
  26. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Lisa could fix this on her own.

    Ask super-intuition: "What the fuck just happened? Why is everyone so pissed off at me?"
    Answer: "You dun goofed."

    Ask postcog: "Where did I go wrong?"
    Answer: "Telling Taylor she isn't really Taylor."

    She's even been using her own powers to analyse her own actions. Did she suddenly stop?
     
  27. dasstan

    dasstan :)

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    As far as the Crystal thing goes, I can't exactly say I'm surprised. I didn't see her actually quitting coming, but she has been plainly dissatisfied with being a team leader since... the very beginning. I figured she was going to step down, rather than step out.

    As for Lisa... I'm sympathetic to her situation. Second triggers fuck people up. She started her friend down a path that lead to suicide, she second triggered and her power insists that her friend is dead, and now there is just a person walking around that thinks it is her friend, and everyone else treats it as the deceased friend; she's devoted herself to a cause, and the only option she has is to keep going because it's too important. More important than her own feelings... Except normal people can't bottle their emotions up like that without consequences. Throw in the emotional intimacy that she's suddenly getting with Rebecca, something she'd assumed was beyond her... the poor girl is in a bad way.
     
  28. Coruscant Knave

    Coruscant Knave 'Twas love that did this to you.

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    Oh, good....
    Shit! Sure, maybe some time has passed and she's calmed down, but I got a baaad feeling about dis!

    It's going a bit better than I thought it would, actually. They are going to talk to each other. At least at first.
    I'm fairly sure she did it on purpose, knowing what it would do. Now, she may realize immediately after that it was a mistake and regret it, but that's kinda irrelevant. Actually...
     
    Prince Charon likes this.
  29. dxdragon

    dxdragon Experienced.

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    Honestly, I really want Lisa to lay into them, about how they have been treating her, ignoring problems, and how stressful a situation she is in with no support.

    Also how close to the breaking point she is to leaving.

    Taylor hasn't been much of a friend to Lisa in months.
     
  30. GiftofLove

    GiftofLove A Gift From The Heart

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    Well duh, she's dead. It's kinda hard to pal around with a corpse.
     
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