Zuko winced as he struggled to not scratch at his bandages. It had been over a few days since the...Event. Despite his better moments, he still had to be dosed with medicine routinely to keep the pain from flaring up. Especially when they applied the salve. His wound was slowly healing, or healing what it could, with the doctors helping as they were able. They normally gave him enough to pass out when they changed the bandages and cleaned the wound. Apparently, they had to remove bits of dead flesh from time to time.
He was glad he didn't remember those moments.
Still, he hated this. Not enough drugs and he felt just enough pain to want to pick at his burns. Too much, and he was loopy and out of it, with little recollection of what happened. And then there were the moments where the drugs just did NOT work. They weren't sure what it was: his body acclimating to the medicine, his inner fire trying to purge it, or him just...flashing back to the Event.
He shivered at the memory, and the nightmares that spawned from it. If there was one thing the drugs weren't helping, it was his night terrors. Every now and again, when he passed out, he'd find himself back in that throne room between Azula and their fath- No, their former father. But each time it got worse. Once, his father burned...a lot more of him before Azulon intervened. Then there was the time Azulon ordered Ozai to just finish them both off.
In his most recent one, Ozai turned into an actual dragon. A twisted black dragon with too many wings, too many teeth...
Yeah, he'd rather not dwell on those. Because he had more important things to focus on; namely his mother and his sister. His memories were a bit hazy, but there was definitely something off about them both now. His mother had been worried, angry, but overall just happy they were alive at first. Now she seemed sad, almost like there was something she regretted or missed. Did she miss D-Ozai? Maybe? His parents didn't have the best relationship even before all of this happened, he knew, but they had been a part of one another's lives. That had to count for something, right?
It could be something else, but he felt too young, too stupid, and too addled in the head to piece it together. He just tried to reassure her when he could. Usually after he just finished crying in her arms from a nightmare, but still.
And Azula...had he even spoken to Azula yet? When he was lucid, that is. It was hard to remember, filtering through the dreams and imagination from what really happened over the two weeks. But there was no way that he missed Azula every time his head was clear, right? So, did that mean she was avoiding him? Or just avoiding everyone? Because if she was avoiding everyone, it was probably just trying to deal with the entire fact that their former-father tried to kill her.
But if she was just avoiding him...okay, he didn't know what that meant, but it was his job as a big brother to figure it out.
Because the little he could remember of Azula since he got his burn, she always looked so...it wasn't just sad, it was more than that. Deeper. Like she was hurting. Not hurt, but hurting. As in something was still hurting her right now, not that she was hurt because of something that had already happened.
Or something like that. It made sense in his head at least. His minimally drugged head.
Of course, the first problem was finding Azula. She wasn't in her room, so where could she be?
Meanwhile
Azula sat in her tree over the pond.
When had it become her tree, exactly? She didn't remember the first time she climbed into it. She had just been listlessly walking and realized she had climbed up into its branches.
It was a foolish thing to do, something she imagined her uncle doing as a child. But she paid that notion no mind. After all, she had run out of things to do.
Burning her own possessions wasn't an option. Her mother checked on her regularly to make sure she didn't. She still burned her things, but only a little at a time now. What could be turned to ash before she was found.
Mai and Ty Lee weren't here yet. Maybe they wouldn't be here today at all. They tried to come every day, but she intellectually knew things would get in the way of one or both of them.
Training was just...no. All lessons and training had been cancelled. Even if they weren't, Azula didn't know if she could focus enough to do any of the katas or exercises.
And she couldn't bear to face Zuko still, especially not when he was coherent. Even if she could, she had to figure out something very important:
How to be a good sister?
Knowing how to be not-bad was easy. Just stop trying to be mean Zuko. Stop taunting him, stop trying to scare him, Stop Nearly Getting Him Killed!
Her hands clenched on her arms as that thought echoed in her head.
Yes, stopping all of that would help. But what does a good sibling do? She didn't know. The only sibling relationship she had any view into was Ty Lee's, and that was a bit too unique to apply to this.
She had no idea how to be a good sister to Zuko.
So here she was, sitting in a tree.
She looked down at the water and saw her reflection looking back.
'What's a matter? Are you going to cry like Zuko?'
She winced and looked away. She could hear her own voice, mocking her. She knew what the voice was. It was her, The Monster.
The Real Azula.
'Pathetic. When did you become so weak?'
Funny. Those were Ozai's words, Ozai's tone, but it was still her own voice that mocked her.
'How long do you think this little act can hold? Just give it up.'
It wanted out. It wanted her to go back to being how she used to be. But she wouldn't let that happen. She would smother and starve The Monster out until that part of her became like ashes in an urn; Never to burn again, never to hurt anyone again.
Such was the fate a monster deserved.
"Azula."
She inhaled sharply as her golden eyes shot down to see her brother staring up at her. "Zuko," she whispered, soft and uncertain.
"Were you...sleeping up there?" Zuko asked with a head tilt.
Azula shook her head. "No, I was just..."
What even was she doing here, really, besides listening to the voices in her head?
"Can you come down here?" Zuko asked with a frown that she couldn't read.
It wasn't angry. It wasn't sad. Concerned? Confused? If she had mused out loud, she would have suggested "Constipated" as well. But her sharp tongue was dulled and unmotivated.
Still, she climbed down the tree, sliding down the trunk as she turned to face Zuko. Or, she tried to. Every time she looked him in the eye, she glanced away in shame and guilt, fidgeting with her clothes.
"Yes, Zuko?" she asked after a moment of silence between them. Her voice sounded so much smaller than it used to.
"Sorry, just- Is this the first time we've talked? Without me being out of it?" Zuko asked thoughtfully.
Yes, yes it was. "Perhaps? It's hard to tell sometimes," she lied, because she always lies. All she can do is lie. Because if she wants to be a Good Sister, she has to lie and pretend she isn't The Monster.
Zuko nodded, looking a bit distracted.
"Should you...be up right now? "Azula asked uncertainly.
"The doctor said it's fine for me, and that I should stretch my legs some anyway," Zuko said, rubbing his mostly-bald head sheepishly. "If I don't, I might end up weighing more than a komodo-rhino."
Azula offered a small smile while Zuko chuckled weakly at his own half-hearted joke.
The silence that followed was unbearable. One of them had to say something. Anything, less they be crushed under the emptiness.
"Zuko, I-"
She was cut off as Zuko suddenly wrapped her into a tight hug, holding her head to his chest.
"Zuko?" she called in surprise, but unable to bring herself to resist the hold. She froze as she felt her brother trembling against her, a very distinct sound coming from his mouth. The sound of choked sobs. "Brother...?!"
"I'm just so glad you're alive," Zuko whispered in her ear, tears falling from his good eye. His other eye stung, but he barely noticed in the moment.
Azula inhaled sharply, and felt something rising in her chest…Something harsh, something heavy. She bit her lips as her golden eyes glistened harshly.
"But it...it was my fault. You got hurt because of me," she whispered, her voice all but croaking in her throat. She wanted to scream it, declare her guilt and make him remember how horrible he had to know she was, but in Zuko's arms she felt weak. Like she had been holding something in all this time and now, now-!
Zuko pulled back and smiled warmly at her with his one good eye. "It doesn't matter."
It...didn't matter. Of course it mattered! He was scarred! He was in pain! He tried to save her when he didn't need to! How could...how could it not... "You big dum-dum," Azula whispered, her voice growing hoarse.
"What'd I do-" Zuko stopped as Azula pulled him into a hug, almost collapsing to her knees. "Azula?" he asked, falling to his knees as he held her.
Azula shuddered as she clenched her hands at Zuko's side. With that, the dam came loose.
Azula sobbed. Not teared up, not cried, she sobbed long and hard into her brother's robes.
"I'm...I'm so sorry!" Azula cried out, her tears drenching his clothes. "I'm sorry for everything, Zuzu!"
Zuko could only sit there and hold his little sister, stroking her back as she cried her heart out. He had cried plenty since that fateful night, having gotten most of it out while holding his mother.
...But Azula had never been as close to their mother as to Ozai. He shouldn't be surprised that she had trouble opening up to her. He couldn't imagine what was going through Azula's mind these past few days, trying to come to terms with what happened.
He just never imagined he would ever be the one she opened up to like this.
He tried to remember the last time he recalled her seeming so small and vulnerable, instead of the proud and sharp little genius he had tried to measure up to.
Brother and Sister sat there, holding themselves as their sorrows and the comfort one another brought lulled them into a deep sleep.
lllllllllllllll
Azula often dreamt of this now.
The Penance of Ash.
The Urn of Soul.
Her fate.
She would awaken back in that prison, filled with the ashes of her own body. They brought pain to her lungs, her throat and her eyes. But there was no escape.
There would never be a way to escape the Penance of Ash, but by the Mercy of Agni.
But this time felt different. The bitterly cool void of her urn had a trace of warmth with in it now, the sensation pooling at her back.
Eventually, she saw through her own self-pity enough to realize that the warmth was coming from the walls of the Urn.
Confused yet tired, curious yet devoid of hope, she turned to look at the wall that her back had been leaning against. The urn there was lit softly, a small spot glowing as if something had been warming it.
Realistically, she knew any heat enough to do that should be unpleasant to touch. But she was either dead or dreaming, so the norms of the living no longer applied to her.
It felt good. It felt comforting. It felt like...
"Zuko?" she whispered, shock and awe as she felt, sensed where this came from. That meant that...Zuko came to visit here, where her ashes were kept! And he was sharing his warmth with her.
Good, comforting, and...
Her eyes teared at the word she wasn't ready to say or think. He still cared for her, the Monster.
She deserved the Penance. But she was too weak to resist any comfort from her brother. He might never come back. And that would be fine. She would savor this than.
"Even in death, you use him still."
She froze. That voice. There couldn't be a voice. Not in here, the only thing in here was her. Her, and her ashes.
She slowly turned, and saw the cinders, like flakes and sand all at once, forming together into a horrible, terrible shape.
It was herself, and it was Ozai. Not a blend, but some mismatched and greyed-colored combination of the man that had been her father and the child she was. One leg too short, the arm too large on the other side, and the face had a "line" that kept shifting back and forth. One side was Ozai, the other Azula. But neither face fully vanished as the ashen-creature leered at her mockingly.
"Poor, foolish, weak, boy," It continued with two voices; One coy and cruel, the other harsh and merciless. "Sharing his spark with a monster like us."
Azula did not speak, could not speak.
This wasn't part of the Penance of Ash, not that she had ever heard. It was supposed to be a cold punishment of isolation, denied the warmth and grace of Fire.
But then...perhaps Agni didn't want people to know the full punishment. Maybe he wanted some part of the Penance to be a surprise.
Or maybe no one truly understood what it would mean, to have one's soul trapped among their own ashes.
She pressed her back against the warmth of the wall, harder and hard. She wanted to get away, to get out, she didn't want to be here with this nightmare.
"Oh, why so scared?" It asked as it moved closer, closer, too close. "After all, you're not the one that needs to be afraid. Zuko is a failure and only so-useful. Once you're done using him, you'll do away with him."
"No," Azula whispered. "No, I...I wouldn't..."
"Oh don't lie to yourself," it whispered coyly, and It was Right in Her Ear Now. "You were perfectly fine when you thought it was his neck to burn. You were ready too," It paused, its face shifting fully to mirror Azula's now. "Dad's Going to Kill You~! Dad's Going to Kill You~!"
"Shut up," Azula demanded, or pleaded, or cried.
The face shifted to Ozai's now. "And he would have."
"Shut up!" Azula order, pleaded, screamed!
It tilted its head. "Who is talking?"
Azula opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She tried again, but only got silence.
Something was...wrong. Stuck. She grabbed her throat, and the choking sensation of the ashes in her throat grew more and more.
She tried once more, and she suddenly wretched.
Ash poured from her mouth. A long, impossible amount of it streamed forth, adding to the floor of the urn. Her throat felt like it was being cut and torn on the inside, the taste of ash overwhelmed her tongue as it passed out of her like a terrible fountain. She cried, but she swore even those tears were more of the burnt powder.
Finally it ended, and she was left gasping for fresh air that wasn't there. But at least there was air now. But through the haziness of her vision, she saw what was now before her.
In the layer of ashes that had poured from her mouth, she could see faces forming. Faces she knew; Mother, Grandfather, Mai, Ty Lee...servants, guards, tutors, and more she couldn't name.
They were all twisted in dismissive, disgusted looks. As if they finally saw her for the monster she was, and were rejecting her. Judging her, condemning her to this fate.
She sat there, leaning against the wall and prayed the heat wasn't getting cooler, that he was still there, that he still cared.
The ashen creature leaned down to her ear and whispered the terrible words, her voice almost singing.
"You will die a monster~!"
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Azula started awake, her heart racing as she quickly took in her surroundings.
She was still alive. Good.
She was in the garden. Good.
She had been sleeping in Zuko's arms.
Good...didn't seem like good enough a word.
Still, she smiled in relief. She was here, Zuko was here, and he still didn't hate her yet. That was what was important.
That, and she needed some new clothes. Zuko had drooled on her shoulder while he slept.
"Mm, why am I sitting up in my sleep?" Zuko muttered as he started to wake up. Azula looked up just in time to make eye contact with him. "Oh. Right. We cried," he recalled out loud, still not aware enough to keep his thoughts to himself.
"I suppose we did," Azula acknowledged awkwardly.
Zuko glanced up at the sun. "Mom will be looking for us soon. It's almost time to eat."
"What about you? Don't you need more medicine? Or something?" Azula asked, feeling uncharacteristically ignorant. She had never been burned before, she had no idea what went into treating an injury like Zuko's. Useless, useless, useless. The word ringed in her head. She wouldn't know, couldn't know such things but she didn't care.
"Come on, let's go," Zuko said, bringing himself to his feet, gently pulling Azula up as well.
"Okay," Azula whispered and, after a moment's pause, took Zuko's hand.
He returned the favor without even thinking about it.
They lapsed into silence as they began to walk out of the garden.
"Zuko?" Azula asked softly, summoning all of her courage. "Would you love me, if I was a monster?"
Because Zuko, wonderfully stupid Zuko, would never say she was already a monster. So, she had to play along with the lie…which was good because even Zuko knew that truth: Azula Always Lies.
Zuko stopped and looked back at her with wide, surprised eyes. She prepared herself for any answer.
"You mean like a dragon?"
She wasn't prepared for that.
"Huh?" Azula blinked. "A dragon?"
"I mean, I don't know what Koh the Face Stealer looks like. But if you were a dragon, that'd be pretty cool. Or maybe something like a giant hawk-bear? Or a Sea-Gorilla?" Zuko pondered, and Azula was wondering if the lingering medicine was effecting his mind after all. "Maybe a huge Salamander Rhino that's on fire? But yeah, I'd love you even if you were a monster."
He didn't understand what she meant, but still, that answer meant the world to Azula. "If I was...a dragon, wouldn't you have to slay me, like Uncle slayed the last one?" she asked, nearly smiling. Nearly.
"No, I'd just outlaw Dragon Slaying," Zuko answered confidently.
"Zuzu, only the Firelord can do that," Azula reminded with an almost broken giggle, her eyes glistening with gratefulness and joy.
"Yeah, well...I'd figure something out," Zuko assured helplessly. "I can't let anyone hurt my baby sister."
Azula held his hand tighter and never wanted to let go.
And until he realized she was a monster, and pulled his own hand away, she'd hold on for as long as she could.
Meanwhile
Ursa and Azulon had spoken at least once a day since the incident with Ozai. Never had Azulon taken such an active interest in his grandchildren's day-to-day life. But before, they hadn't survived an attempt at filicide.
"Today will be the first time they've had a family meal since then," Ursa mused to the elderly man.
"Then I will try to be brief, lest I delay such an occasion," Azulon stated, confirming that, no, he would not be there. Let the mother and her children have their time first, he decided. "I know well that Zuko is recovering as best he can. The physicians are confident his sight will not be damaged. He has been taking his injury far better than most young boys would."
"He is a brave little prince," Ursa acknowledged with a small smile.
Azulon nodded and the throne room grew quiet. Too quiet. "Word reaches my ears, Ursa, without even requesting it. There are rumors among the palace of Azula, burning her possessions and taking her solitude where she can."
Ursa bowed her head. For as much as she blamed Azulon for this situation happening, the problem with Azula was much deeper than just Ozai being willing to kill her.
"It is easy to believe she is just grieving. Ozai may be stripped of all he was, but it was plain to all which child he favored," Azulon mused. It went unsaid that this was precisely the reason when he had demanded Ozai sacrifice Azula instead of Zuko. "But I see a look of deep regret in your eyes, Princess Ursa, whenever the topic of your daughter is brought up."
Ursa gave a half smile. She hadn't been good at hiding this. She still hadn't fully come to terms with what "this" actually was yet. "I believe...we may be more alike than I first thought, My Lord," Ursa answered softly.
Both of Azulon's white eyebrows rose at that. "In what matter might you mean?"
"I believe that Azula has come to the conclusion that I...care for her less than her brother," Ursa explained with a self-depreciating smile. "And I'm trying to understand, when I did that. When I made a mistake so horrible, that made her think I love her less than I do."
"Parenting is one thing that few ever truly master," Azulon said sagely. "Whatever offense you have paid her, real or imagined, there is still plenty of times to be there for both of your children."
Unlike how he hadn't been there as a proper father to Ozai. Neither said it, but they both knew it.
"But there is something about Azula you should know," Azulon informed. "Something about the incident that I did not mention, not while your children needed time to heal and recover."
They weren't healed, and they weren't recovered. They were coping though, and that would have to be enough. "What is it? What happened?"
Azulon took a short, calming breath as he broached a serious topic. "After Zuko was hurt, Azula attacked Ozai with Lightningbending."
Ursa stared, and then stared some more. "What? But that's impossible! Azula hasn't even started learning the theory for it, let alone the technique."
"I am aware," Azulon agreed with a frown. "She was unfocused and didn't know how to use it, but she clearly created lightning. And made every flame in the throne room turn blue."
Under normal circumstances, Ursa would have been more alarmed by the second detail. Attempting to take control of the Royal Flames from the Firelord, that was a grave offense to do without permission. In old times before the unification of the Fire Nation and rule was divided amongst clans, such an act was essentially a way of challenging a lord for his right to rule.
But as impressive as it was that Azula took control of the flames form Azulon, if only briefly, that was still not the largest concern. "But how could she even attempt that?"
"Lightningbending was not always known to us, Ursa. Just a few centuries before this war, many thought it was just a myth," Azulon reminded. "Just as it is possible for a bender to teach themselves through trial and error, Azula appears to have stumbled into Lightningbending on pure instinct. If my sight is still be trusted, in a desire to defend her brother."
Despite everything, Ursa couldn't help but smile at that. "My brave little girl."
"If I am glad of one thing that came out of this mistake of mine, Ursa, it is that knowing your children care deeply for one another," Azulon said solemnly. "All of that aside, I simply wanted to inform you as a warning if it happens again, and ask that you keep me informed if she shows signs of trying to replicate it."
Yes, that was a bit of a concern. The Fire Nation was used to children throwing around fireballs, but lightning was something else entirely.
"I thank you, My Lord," Ursa said, preparing to rise before stopping herself.
"Is there something else you wish to discuss?" Azulon questioned with a raised eyebrow.
Ursa seemed to fight with herself for a moment before making a decision. "In the next few days, if your schedule permits it, will you care to join us for a meal, Firelord?"
"The Firelord will not be there, no," he answered before his face softened. "But an old grandfather will find the time, yes."
Ursa smiled slightly. Gradnfather was a role Azulon had never mastered either, but she appreciated the effort. If nothing else, it helped her children understand they were safe in the palace still.
End of Chapter
Okay, so, to answer a question that got asked a few times. No, the Penance of Ash is not related to anytihng in canon, this is my own worldbuilding for the Fire Nation.
But yeah, the angst is off the charts this chapter. Azula is a wreck and Zuko, blessed little turtleduck, has no idea he's keeping her afloat in a sea of self-loathing.
Iroh should be back next chapter I think. Which means the family can finally heal and grieve properly. As Zuko reminded, Lu Ten's death was recent for all of them.
Also added in teh tidbit about how relatively new Lightningbending is in Avatar- it was only discovered about three or four centuries before the war. Considering bending has been a thing for around ten thousnad years, that's interesting. I'm going with the idea it's something that's been discovered and lost repeatedly over time.
Until next time!