Celestial Saga

[Dormouse]

I really like a lot of the story. It's got an interesting concept that's done fairly well.

However, the AI interludes are off putting, in that it's an obvious shift and breaks suspension of disbelief. The needless overdescription, negations, sequences of three, etc. make those parts difficult to enjoy.

 

[Oblation]

Saga: Uber and Leet are up to something.
Saga: They haven't streamed in weeks.
Saga: It's suspicious….

Uber and Leet: (Below)

System: Advertisement for Uber and Leet on the Villain Hiring site "Blacklist"
Operation: Materials Acquisition Heist - 8/3/11​

Uber: Alright, hey, everybody, quick check-in so I know you're all actually breathing and not staring at the floor wondering how you signed up for this.
Leet: Check in. Keep it short.

Minion One: Dock team ready. Forklift powered. I'm nervous, but I'm here.
Uber: That's fine. Nervous means your brain's on. We want that. Just don't let it drive.

Minion Two: Office side inside. Lights are awful. No movement yet.
Leet: Copy.

Minion Three: Hallway coverage clean. Badge readers green across the board.
Leet: Good. Proceed.

Minion Four: Exterior watch. One guard moving between buildings. No urgency.
Uber: Perfect. That's exactly the speed we want him at. Let him jog. Jogging makes people feel responsible.

(The camera glides along a warehouse exterior. Lights flicker once, then settle. An alarm chirps and immediately cuts off.)

Minion Two: Okay, yeah, that flicker just took ten years off my life.
Leet: It cleared. Continue.
Uber: See, nothing exploded. Deep breath, keep going.

(The view slides into a security hallway. Empty. Fluorescent lights hum. A badge reader flashes green and unlocks.)

Minion Three: Door opened clean. No delay.
Leet: Advance.
Uber: Walk like you've been here all week. Like you pay taxes here.

Minion Three: I do not feel like I pay taxes here.
Uber: Nobody does. That's the secret.

(The camera drifts past a security desk monitor wall. Feeds loop quietly. All green.)

Radio Voice: Patrol rerouting to Building C.
Minion Four: Guard's jogging now.
Leet: Acknowledged.
Uber: Great. He's chasing a feeling. We love feelings.

(The view naturally splits between the jogging guard outside and a loading bay camera that blinks, then stabilizes.)

System: FEED SYNCED

Minion One: Forklift rolling. If someone stops me I'm just gonna nod like this is my whole job.
Leet: Maintain pace.
Uber: You look exactly like a guy who belongs there. Trust me.

(The camera passes a fire control panel as lights cycle.)

System: SYSTEM CHECK COMPLETE

Minion Two: Fire panel cleared itself again.
Leet: Logged.
Uber: Which means it's doing its job. We love a self-starter.

(Uber and Leet appear only as reflections at the edge of frame. Leet is still. Uber gestures.)

Minion One: Dock door motors ready. Waiting on you.
Leet: Hold.
Uber: Yeah, hang on a second. Let the radios stack up a little more so nobody gets curious.

(A phone rings at the security desk. It's lifted, then put back.)

Radio Voice: Control says hold position. Don't escalate.
Leet: Good.
Uber: See, they're helping. Love that for them.

(The camera tilts toward an intercom speaker.)

System Voice: This is a procedural delay. Please stand by.
Minion Three: That voice is unsettling.
Leet: It's adequate.
Uber: He means it's doing exactly what it should, which is soothing in a weird way.

(The forklift engine hums louder as it starts moving.)

Minion One: First pallet moving. Slow and casual.
Leet: Confirm transfer.

System: AUTHORIZED TRANSFER PENDING

Minion One: Scanner accepted.
Uber: Perfect. That's the system agreeing with you. We like agreement.

(A crate rolls past a fixed camera. Barcode visible, nothing readable.)

Minion Two: Office still clear. No movement. No alarms.
Leet: Continue.
Uber: You're doing fine. If something was wrong, I'd be talking a lot faster.

(Uber leans slightly closer to a dark screen reflection.)

Uber: Status check. Everyone still with me.
Minion Three: Hallway's empty. Badge readers still green.
Minion Four: Exterior quiet. Guard stopped jogging. Looks confused.
Leet: No change.

Minion One: Second pallet staged. Hands shaking more now.
Uber: That's adrenaline. Totally normal. Keep your feet planted. You're ahead of schedule.

(A phone rings again at the desk.)

Radio Voice: We might have a panel desync.
Leet: Noted.
Uber: Which means it's not a problem yet. If it was a problem, they'd be yelling.

(The camera slides outside as lights cycle across several buildings, then stabilize.)

System: SYSTEM STABLE

Minion Four: That was loud.
Leet: It stabilized.
Uber: Yeah, see, it fixed itself. Love when that happens.

(The loading bay door rises. A truck idles inside, exhaust fogging the air.)

System: INVENTORY SYNC IN PROGRESS

Minion One: Third pallet moving. There's more than I expected.
Leet: Ignore quantity. Complete task.
Uber: Yeah, don't count it. Counting makes you think. Thinking makes you trip.

(The camera lingers on the open bay. Nothing moves except exhaust vapor.)

Minion Three: I keep expecting someone to come around the corner yelling.
Uber: Quiet means we're ahead.
Leet: Continue.

(The monitor wall fills the frame again. Everything still green.)

Minion Two: Monitor four is duplicating feeds again.
Leet: Ignore monitor four.
Uber: Monitor four's just stressed. We've all been there.

(Radio chatter overlaps.)

Radio Voice: Control says hold position.
Leet: Acknowledged.
Uber: That's them choosing not to look too hard. Very polite of them.

(The last crate slides into the truck.)

Minion One: Last marked pallet's in. Please tell me that was it.
Leet: Wrap and disengage.
Uber: Great job. Seriously. Start closing it up.

(The alarm tone sticks this time. Red light stays on.)

Minion Three: Alarm isn't clearing.
Leet: Expected. Disengage.
Uber: Totally fine. That's our exit music.

(Doors lock behind them as they move.)

Minion Two: Doors just locked.
Leet: You're outside. Proceed.
Uber: That's just the building saying goodbye.

(The camera moves outside faster now.)

Minion Four: I've got something in the sky.
Leet: Describe.
Minion Four: Bright. Blue-white. Straight vertical.
Minion Two: That's a cape.
Leet: Confirmed.
Uber: Okay, yeah, that's Lady Photon. She's early, which is rude, but fine. Everyone stay calm and keep moving.

(Voices overlap.)

Minion Three: She's gaining altitude.
Minion One: Truck doors still closing.
Minion Two: Do we abort.
Leet: Negative.
Uber: No, you're good. You're already leaving. Just keep doing what you're doing.

(The truck pulls out hard. Tires hiss on wet pavement.)

Minion Four: She's hovering. Looking around.
Leet: She has not committed.
Uber: And she doesn't have to. That glow alone does a lot of work.

(The original wide exterior returns. The park looks untouched. A glow rises behind the trees.)

System: SECURITY RESPONSE TIME 00:02:41
System: RESPONSE ACCURACY 100 PERCENT

Leet: That's our cue.
Uber: Yep. We go before she picks a direction.

(Black screen.)

System: NO DATA WAS HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS TRANSCRIPT

Uber: Good work, everyone. That was clean.
Leet: Performance acceptable.

Minion One: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Uber: After you're home. That's an order.

(Faint glow still visible at the edge of frame.)

Leet: She's fast.
Uber: She always is. Doesn't mean she knows what we took.
Leet: Not yet.

(Video Ends.)

For those unaware, Worm canonically has a kind of social media used for hiring Capes, called the "Whitelist," and it has an unofficial side for hiring independent villains called the "Blacklist."
This chapter was a transcript of Uber and Leet doing their best Firewatch impression to advertise their ability to do heist-like jobs off of Blacklist.

 

[Oblation]

I really like a lot of the story. It's got an interesting concept that's done fairly well.

However, the AI interludes are off putting, in that it's an obvious shift and breaks suspension of disbelief. The needless overdescription, negations, sequences of three, etc. make those parts difficult to enjoy.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, fair.
My early AI use was rough, especially when I'd outline and then let it spit out the dialogue, which was a bad call.

Since then I've gotten more careful about it, but I'm not pretending I'm tool free now.
I still ask ChatGPT questions and use it to clean up drafts, and I also lean on stuff like Grammarly and Sora.

Part of that is just the nature of this kind of fic.
For better or worse, Celestial Forge and Celestial Grimoire are basically designed to be an excuse to write a ton of words.
That's what I'm doing here, I'm treating it as writing practice.
Which means the craft and the tool use are both going to keep evolving.

So if any AI or assistive tools at all are a dealbreaker, I'm probably not your author, and that's completely fine.
But if you're cool sticking around, I'll keep doing the work and I'll keep aiming to make each update cleaner than the last.