Confrontation (Worm fanfic)

I think Buzz might have miscounted.

Also, nice, Circus still got some loot.
Overall, I'm satisfied with this ending. I completely forgot that the Wards get paid, so a mention of that in the edit was nice. (I was only in the edit, right? I don't think I'd have missed that)

 

You still don't have Sophia getting any actual formal punishment. There also isn't any mechanism in place to prevent Sophia from committing crimes anywhere but school. How would they know if Sophia start beating the shit out of people who can't fight back in her spare time. Give her an ankle bracelet* (or less noticeable tinker standing) and some sort of in house punishment (console duty, pay cut, whatever the PRT uses for minor offenses). It doesn't need to be a new section or anything just piggot laying down the law for a couple lines.

*Which would double as a means to prevent her from using her powers when she shouldn't be.

The word soonest doesn't fit grammatically. The ending est implies there are other things that are soon and this thing would be the most soon. A better fit would be immediately or as soon as possible.

Also the US doesn't use the word Maths, it is always phrased as Math. Other English speaking areas use Maths but not the US (or at least not the NE US which is where this takes place).

 

I, too, had a "what the fuck" when Taylor first brought up her alternate solution, but by the end of the scene I was well on board. Nicely done.

Edit: Had this open in another tab, read the version that was up about five hours ago (last edited half an hour after it was posted). I guess I should check out the re-write?

 

Nicely done. I've never seen a Sophia redemption story done like this. Gotta admit, I'm sad we won't see more of them, so if that possible sequel becomes probable, you have my vote for it.

 

As an addition to the previous post I suggest you reread the wards interlude immediately after the bank. In it we see how Piggot treats the wards and handles discipline. He punished the wards more severely for doing their jobs despite lacking proper training or any adult guidance than Sophia gets here for severe misconduct and probation violation. It also demonstrates she has plenty of non-prison ways of fucking with a ward and I doubt Taylor would object to any of them.

 

Already made my opinions known on SV. Probably not going to crosspost though.

 

As I recall, Piggot hammered them mainly for going in without authorisation, and for the damage. She cared not at all about the money (and, by extension, the Undersiders getting away).

In any case, I'm gearing up for rewrite number three (I really wish people could post their objections all at once, instead of piecemeal). After that, there will be no more.

 

I've seen 'soonest' as military speak

Also, she now has an ankle bracelet.

 

That is true. The important part is that she is very willing to punish and yell for minor transgressions that are a result of good intentions and lack of training. She should be willing to go farther for actual malice, and that she has the ability to punish wards without getting the courts involved. There are things they can do to Sophia without arresting her as long as Taylor is willing to go along with the mercy.

 

Such as?

I've already got ankle bracelet and wage garnishing going on. Also, I've got Bright in as Taylor's supervisor in the probation officer thing (in the rewrite currently happening).

 

Oh Sorry! I missed that paragraph when I went through it again.

I made a post over on SV with general advice for the later sections. They seem a bit rushed, and the Undersiders confrontation doesn't quite work. I was more detailed over there but basically the Undersiders probably wouldn't do the bank without Taylor and Taylor isn't likely to risk being arrested by releasing captured villains in the middle of a highly public crime that endangered civilians. It could be fixed by changing it from a bank robbery to something less overtly harmful like they have been doing for the last 6 months, or make the fight not go nearly as well for Taylor so it isn't Taylor letting them go so much as Tattletale using Taylors goodwill to let them end a fight quickly that neither side is sure they can win. That would change it from Taylor letting captured villains go to using diplomacy to get them to walk away without the money or any property damage.

 

Currently doing a rewrite. This involves a retcon for Chapter 7 as well, whee.

 

Okay.

Final rewrite is DONE. I will only accept typos and actual canon references from here on in.

Note: Chapter Seven and Chapter Eight have been extensively rewritten.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Depends on inspiration.

 

Hm. I'm okay with this rewrite. I image a life or death situation like with Bakuda will have a strong impact on anyone, let alone a 15 year old.

 

While I liked the first versions just fine, the new ones are excellent. Awesome job.

 

5000 time better. The buildup, reactions, and balance were all just right.

 

While this Tale has end,Their story has only just the begun.all that is missing is a epic song.Is Aegis going to hold a grudge against Sophia and Taylor for the demotion?

 

Potential sequel: The Return of Bakuda

(not really; or at least, not yet)

 

That works for Worm, too, actually.

 

I think The Rise of Bakuda has a more poetic sound to it.

 

" ... and Bakuda explodes once more on to the scene ... "

 

Ack, I know you said you'd only take typoes and canon references.... but this is REALLY OOC... for both Amy and Taylor...

Something more in character would be Taylor grasping Amy's hand with both of hers, expressing her gratitude and offering to help if Amy every needed anything "or even just to talk," Amy, through her powers see's Taylor is 100% serious, and not just giving lip service like everyone else, says she might take her up on that. Definitely 110% get rid of the kiss, that is NOT Taylor.

Taylor's seen nothing to make her think Panacea needs someone to talk to, or has any problems at all.

Hopefully that's constructive enough to not raise your ire...

PHO: "Well we all know that Buzz is the dominant one, I mean she orders Stalker around all the time, and Stalker never does anything about it...Who know Stalker had such a....submissive personality."

The Bakuda Strikes Back?

 

Eh, they were chatty little cuddle-buddies for the first four chapters, it doesn't seem like that much of a stretch.

"And Bakuda explodes once more on to the scene," mumbled the mad bomber. Bakuda pushed up from the floorboards and took stock of herself: All ten fingers? Check. Armed? Check. Dangerous? Check. Sexy? Double-check.

She looked past the shocked faces of her sniveling minions to the lush vegetation that stretched to the horizon. Noting, with no small interest, a herd of grazing saurapods the size of city buses, she thought to herself 'fucking finally.' Straightening up she planted her left foot on the dash, looked to the sky and-- with a great deal of pleasure-- loudly declared "I am the smartest woman in the world!" For once, it was true.

___________________________________________________________________________​

On the rewrite: I'm of two minds here.

On the one hand, the Undersider encounter is much better now. Letting them go from the bank robbery was a career-ending event. Letting them go from a scene where they were attacked and no bystanders were there to witness it is immensely more believable and shouldn't have the same degree of massive consequences to be addressed. Not sure if I like the Math tutoring or the Blackmail scene more. Emma trying to blackmail Sophia felt natural, and using it to show Taylor doing her job made for a good ending (the lack of a reaction from the duo about the sworn statement did seem conspicuous in the library scene). The flute is a nice sentiment, if a bit heavy handed. The scene in the library felt much more in character for Sophia, what with the 'showing affection through threatening people.'

On the other hand, Sophia's actions in the whole of chapter 7 seem too waff-y to me. The friendly physical contact and encouraging words bit might have fit after the trainyard scene, but it feels like too much too soon occurring before that. Before the rewrite you had a nice transition from heinous bitch to grudging respect to tentative friendship. Now it just feels too abrupt. I can understand not wanting to rewrite it again though; With all the other stories you are writing there are several I'd want to see new chapters on more than I'd want to see Confrontation 'fixed.'

In the end, Mr. Ack, you are assigned an 'A' for plot revision and a 'C' for character execution. These grades will be averaged and a solid 'B' will be added to your P̹̣e̜̣̪̹̗͎̳rm̡̰̥̼̯̟̥͙a̶͓̜̜n̝̲̩̙̥̟̮e̩̺̪̹͉͕n҉͍̥̝ṱ͎̪̣̘ ͏͙̬̪̠͎R̶͙͈̰̘̠e̫͍͎̻c̼̞̻̙̺̖̕ͅo̷͈r̸̗͔̘̜͖̱d͈͔͜.

 

OK, skimmed the first for chapters for Panacea stuff, since I actually forgot about most of their interaction then.

I retract some of my statement, but the kiss to the forehead is still very OOC.

And asides from knowing she can't heal brains, and people expect her to heal them because she can, Taylor doesn't have the tiniest grasp on the pressure and stress Panacea's under. So I can see the hug, but there's no reason Taylor would give that kiss... this Taylor's definitely straight after all.

 

I like the rewrite, smoother and the action scenes with Bakuda and the Undersiders fit in very well. Touching scene with the flute too.

 

.... what?

The kiss on the forehead is a 'fondness' thing. "You healed me of life-threatening injuries twice. Thank you." It is in no way sexual.

 

But I changed it anyway. Just to get it done with.

 

I got that it wasn't sexual (I probably should have worded that last post a little better), what it was was more affectionate than Taylor knows how to be... To someone who was basically an acquaintance, leaning towards friend (not really close... yet).

Sorry if I caused you to "rage edit". Thanks.

 

What? No! Augh.

/hasn't read the new thing yet

Well, maybe. But I liked it anyway.