Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Davos]

Cu Chulainn finds himself stunned as his master's blood drips from the priest's hands. Then he raises his spear.

"Come now, Child of Light, surely you realize striking me down now is impossible? We are on hallowed ground~." Kotomine Kirei says with lightless eyes despite his grin.

"You believe I would just serve you after this? Then you got a nasty surprise coming, priest." Cu Chulainn says with a scowl.

"You're participation in my plans is not critical, but you could be a serviceable scout."

"Scout?! I am a warrior, not a messenger bird!"

"Then allow me to show you the power of a command seal. I-"

The door to the church opens, stopping them.

"Hey, sorry for the intrusion, but I'm new to the city and a little short on money, would it be ok if I sleep on one of these benches for-" The brown haired young man in a green tracksuit stops when he sees the blood spattered priest holding an arm, lean man in blue with a red spear pointed at said priest, and a suited woman with one arm on the ground.

"…A shame you could not have arrived a few minutes later young man; there is plenty of room for you in the basement for you."

"And I thought the grinning loli wandering at night was disturbing…Talk about a crappy start to a vacation…" He says with slumped shoulders.



===A few hours earlier===

"You…want a vacation?" Eris, the white haired Goddess in charge of the after life asks.

"No, I need a vacation." Kazuma says while looking at the floor.

"C-come now Kazuma, this death wasn't that bad!" Eris says.

"It was beyond pitiful!" Kazuma shouts, the tears at his eyes threatening to overflow.

They flow freely when Eris remains silent, unable to refuse his claim.

"I-It's not like you can just leave that world. Your body-"

"About that, I have an idea."

"Huh?" Eris blinks.

"Can't you put my body on autopilot or something? Or maybe another soul can temporarily inhabit my body during this vacation?"

"That…that really shouldn't be done…" Eris says while glancing away.

'He…doesn't know about my alter ego does he?'

"Please?"

"E-even if that is possible, I don't think any set of automated functions can contend with your party!"

"And I can't right now! I'm not asking for long, not even a month! Just two weeks of peace and a reminder of home! Even 10 days!" Kazuma pleads on the ground now, making Eris scratch her cheek.

'…This death was about as traumatic as his first…and it's only two weeks…' Eris thinks with a sigh.

"Very well…there is actually a nice little port city I frequent that could do you some good. But don't expect this reprieve each time, and there is a little thing you can do for me while there."

"I won't, thank you Eris!"

===

'Can't complain she was a little low on the starting money…more then when I started in Axel. Plus I still have my abilities so I won't be in as much risk here in Fuyuki.' Kazuma thinks as he buys himself a bag of groceries for dinner and begins hunting down a spot to stay.

Only to find none.

'Smallish town I guess…Not much need for hotels.' Kazuma thinks with a frown before seeing a young girl with white hair and red eyes approach him with a puzzled face. Then she smiles.

"You shouldn't wander at night mister…you may die~." She says while passing him, and vanishing when Kazuma looks for her.

"…Great, another weird loli with red eyes…Least magic isn't a thing here." Kazuma mutters with a sigh before continuing on.

When he turns the corner he sees a stern looking middle aged man and a robed woman with bits of blue or light purple hair poking out from her hood on the ground, looking at each other as they speak.

Kazuma turns around.

'Maybe it's cosplay season?' He thinks before wandering more through the city. Eventually he finds himself in a busy section of the city. After some more wandering he approaches a red haired young man.

"Pardon me, can you tell me where there are any hotels I can stay for the night?"

"Not too many of those I'm afraid…There are some over that way but they are pricy. I think there are some cheaper options that way, but I don't know exactly where. I think the church offers sanctuary too. I'd help more but my break is about over."

"No worries, thanks a lot!"

Kazuma settles on bumming a night at the church.

'Least the Church's in Japan aren't as bad as the ones in Arcanletia!' He thinks before opening the door and asking to stay before seeing the murdering priest and about to be murderous spearman.

"…If I pretend to have amnesia about this can I leave?" Kazuma asks.

"I'm afraid that is not an option young man." Kirei says.

"Why not?"

"Long story short, mages like secrecy." Cu Chulainn says.

"Mages?"

"Yes…but there might be a way out of this for you. Repeat after me." Cu says, making Kirei look at him with a raised brow.

"You're spear makes my destiny, and my will creates your body-"

'Oh, must be a cosplay thing like with that couple. I'll just play along then talk to someone about staying the night.' Kazuma thinks before repeating everything Cu says, and feeling a burning sensation on his hand. Looking over he sees 3 strange red symbols.

"What the Hell?!"

"Bad move Lancer." A voice further in says, making Cu Chulainn shudder a moment before leaping towards Kazuma and carrying him with one hand out of the church.

"What the-?!" Kazuma sees he is dozens of feet above in the air. A minute later, he is on the ground in some woods and Cu is scratching the back of his neck as Kazuma looks around in stunned silence.

"…What was that chant about? This isn't a cosplay thing is it?"

"Afraid not lad, you're in a Holy Grail War now."

"A what?" Kazuma asks.

"Basically a… 7 way team death match? Huh, strange term…Anyway, it's between teams of Masters, that's you now, and Servants, figures from myth and history, like me, to-."

"I'm sorry but can you give me a minute?" Kazuma asks.

"Sure thing, and sorry for dragging you into this…this won't be a long situation I promise." Cu says as Kazuma goes to some nearby woods.

"ERIS!" He shouts with every fiber of his being, making Cu raise an eyebrow.

"I know it's not quite my place, but you should try to be quiet…and why are you shouting the name of a Greek Godd-"

"Hi Kazuma…"

"What the-?!"

"Do you call this a vacation? I'm in some kind of secret world team death match now! I didn't even get a hot girl as a teammate but some cool guy that seems like he would die off screen or after an awesome showing!"

"You are!? Oh no, I must have messed up the teleportation or timing, you were supposed to save that young woman without realizing…" Eris says.

"Wait, you were supposed to- wait, who is this mysterious voice? And why do I feel a massive tract of mana?" Cu Chulainn says while getting closer, now seeing the rip in the air.

"…You're not just some regular guy are you?"

"Greetings, Cu Chulainn, Ireland's Child of Light." Eris says, making Cu Chulainn straighten up.

"May I implore you to look after this young man during his stay in this city?"

"I was already planning on such a course after he saved me from being that priest's lapdog…though I cannot promise what happens after I kill that priest."

"You are not planning on attempting a wish from the Holy Grail?" Eris asks.

"A what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Not really. I just want to clash with great heroes, but more importantly, I want to kill that priest…I would have done so, but I'd rather an innocent not get killed by whoever was further in the church."

"What is this about a wish?"

"Oh, the Grail grants a wish for the victor of the war." Cu Chulainn says.

"Any wish?" Kazuma asks with a glint in his eyes.

"As far as I know."

"Then I'm in." Kazuma says.

"What? Not that I mind, but you sure you want to stay in this? You're likely to die."

"Wouldn't be the first time, and from what I gathered, I'll have a target on my back no matter what now…besides, that wish could be the answer to my own struggles." Kazuma says.

"…Not that I want to dampen your resolve since it aligns with mine, but you aren't suited to being a master; I can already feel myself straining to exist in this world due to your lack of mana."

"You use mana?"

"Yeah, it's what keeps servants around and fuels us, and our main way of getting that is from Master's own mana...there are other ways, but I'm not keen on them."

"…One moment." Kazuma says before taking out a reusable bottle.

"Create water." Kazuma casts the spell, making Cu somewhat wide eyed at seeing water appear out of thin air before being handed the drink. After a moment he takes a drink and finishes it with wide eyes.

"That…that was the most delicious water I ever had! How is it so full of mana?!"

"Something I picked up in my adventures in another world. I also have ample experience in working with a powerful blue person." Kazuma says with a gin and a thumbs up.

Cu Chulainn matches the gesture.

===

"We should probably get ourselves familiar with the area." Lancer says as they walk through a section of burnt out plain.

"I was wandering the last few hours through the city so I think I'm good there. But given the whole secret thing, we probably won't be doing much there right?"

"Yeah, we'd probably be fighting at night and in secluded areas like this. I should tell you what I can-" Cu stops when a blonde in a rain coat and a red haired young man emerge from another section of the plain.

"Careful Master." Lancer says while readying his weapon.

"Wait, I met that guy earlier." They both say back.

"Surprising…but right now he is a mage hell bent on killing you."

"…Why would a mage be working as a laborer?" Kazuma asks.

"Don't know, maybe his mage craft is expensive? Either way, this is the perfect opportunity to show you what I can do, and my ultimate technique!" Lancer says before charging the blonde in a rain coat who tosses the garment off and begins battle with Lancer, quickly answering his blows and pushing back, the clang of metal deafening.

'Strange…she looks like she is holding nothing at all…' Kazuma thinks while using his enhanced sight to study her movements. A moment later Lancer is being pushed back.

"…You're more formidable than I expected. Shame we didn't meet earlier. What class are you?"

"I'm obviously a Lancer Servant."

"Amusing…But no matter." Lancer says before taking a low stance, his crimson spear starting to glow as he lunges, well beyond any range for a thrust.

"Gae Bolg!" He shouts, and a moment later the blonde staggers to a knee despite seemingly deflecting the blow.

"Amazing! You wounded her gravely despite it being blocked!"

"No…This is not good Master…"

"How? She's bleeding and on one knee, oh she's up again."

"That…That attack reverses causality and guarantees my target gets stabbed in the heart. She should be dead, not wounded…" Lancer says.

"Then how is she still alive??"

"Luck does not favor you today Lancer!" The blonde says, now back on her feet.

"…Luck?"

"…It is possible for servants with high luck and quick reflexes to make my Gae Bolg non fatal…"

"You're telling me you have bad luck?"

"E rank unless I drink a lot of that water…"

"Oh my God, it's happening again…Next you'll tell me you're a drunkard…"

"That's just a rude stereotype of the Irish!"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that! I'm not a drunk!"

"I'm not paying your debts."

"Why would I ever-" Cu's question is cut off when the blonde attacks him, still as strong but more slowly now.

"Saber!" The red head says.

"Least we got her class…"

"But we know your servant is Cu Chulainn!" Saber says.

'Right…now that they now that they can study him for weaknesses while we don't know her name putting us in a disadvantage…'

"You say that like I cannot overpower you in your current-ugh…!" Lancer says before feeling himself grow more faint, now using his spear to keep himself up.

"Hm? I did not expect your Noble Phantasm to drain you so…Or is this a feint to lull me? But taking you out will be of a great help to us." Saber says, readying her invisible sword.

"W-wait, can't we just get them to surrender?" The red asks.

"No, mages do not simply yield Shirou." Saber says to her master as Kazuma approaches Cu Chulainn, handing him a bottle.

"I'll distract her a moment, so fuel up."

"…Thanks." Cu says before taking the much needed water.

"Hm? Why do you approach?"

"I wish to ask you something since you somewhat remind me of a companion of mine."

"…Speak then."

"Are you a hopeless pervert who enjoys feeling pain?" Kazuma asks, making Lancer choke on some water as Saber and Shirou look at him aghast.

Saber points her blade at him.

"…I may kill you for such an asinine and offensive question."

"That's not no."

"Are you so dense to think me so depraved?"

"Bad time to mention I don't think I can best her in my current state?" Lancer asks, feeling alive again.

"I don't mind a tactical retreat, but leaving without knowing her name will only come back to haunt us…" Kazuma says before extending a hand towards Saber.

"Magic from this world cannot harm me."

"Good thing this isn't magic from this world!"

"What?!" All three ask at the same time as his hand starts glowing bright, soon blinding everyone present.

"Steal!" He says, and a moment later, everyone looks confused when Saber still has her blade and armor.

Then she pales and glares at Kazuma.

Kazuma also frowns.

"Guess I can't complain about your luck Cu…"

"Why do you say-" Cu stops when Kazuma opens his fist, showing a pair of plain white panties.

"Oh my God…" Cu says, frowning fully at his master.

Saber's sword reveals itself as she raises it above her head, now glowing brightly.

"EX-"