Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Davos]

Cu Chulainn finds himself stunned as his master's blood drips from the priest's hands. Then he raises his spear.

"Come now, Child of Light, surely you realize striking me down now is impossible? We are on hallowed ground~." Kotomine Kirei says with lightless eyes despite his grin.

"You believe I would just serve you after this? Then you got a nasty surprise coming, priest." Cu Chulainn says with a scowl.

"You're participation in my plans is not critical, but you could be a serviceable scout."

"Scout?! I am a warrior, not a messenger bird!"

"Then allow me to show you the power of a command seal. I-"

The door to the church opens, stopping them.

"Hey, sorry for the intrusion, but I'm new to the city and a little short on money, would it be ok if I sleep on one of these benches for-" The brown haired young man in a green tracksuit stops when he sees the blood spattered priest holding an arm, lean man in blue with a red spear pointed at said priest, and a suited woman with one arm on the ground.

"…A shame you could not have arrived a few minutes later young man; there is plenty of room for you in the basement for you."

"And I thought the grinning loli wandering at night was disturbing…Talk about a crappy start to a vacation…" He says with slumped shoulders.



===A few hours earlier===

"You…want a vacation?" Eris, the white haired Goddess in charge of the after life asks.

"No, I need a vacation." Kazuma says while looking at the floor.

"C-come now Kazuma, this death wasn't that bad!" Eris says.

"It was beyond pitiful!" Kazuma shouts, the tears at his eyes threatening to overflow.

They flow freely when Eris remains silent, unable to refuse his claim.

"I-It's not like you can just leave that world. Your body-"

"About that, I have an idea."

"Huh?" Eris blinks.

"Can't you put my body on autopilot or something? Or maybe another soul can temporarily inhabit my body during this vacation?"

"That…that really shouldn't be done…" Eris says while glancing away.

'He…doesn't know about my alter ego does he?'

"Please?"

"E-even if that is possible, I don't think any set of automated functions can contend with your party!"

"And I can't right now! I'm not asking for long, not even a month! Just two weeks of peace and a reminder of home! Even 10 days!" Kazuma pleads on the ground now, making Eris scratch her cheek.

'…This death was about as traumatic as his first…and it's only two weeks…' Eris thinks with a sigh.

"Very well…there is actually a nice little port city I frequent that could do you some good. But don't expect this reprieve each time, and there is a little thing you can do for me while there."

"I won't, thank you Eris!"

===

'Can't complain she was a little low on the starting money…more then when I started in Axel. Plus I still have my abilities so I won't be in as much risk here in Fuyuki.' Kazuma thinks as he buys himself a bag of groceries for dinner and begins hunting down a spot to stay.

Only to find none.

'Smallish town I guess…Not much need for hotels.' Kazuma thinks with a frown before seeing a young girl with white hair and red eyes approach him with a puzzled face. Then she smiles.

"You shouldn't wander at night mister…you may die~." She says while passing him, and vanishing when Kazuma looks for her.

"…Great, another weird loli with red eyes…Least magic isn't a thing here." Kazuma mutters with a sigh before continuing on.

When he turns the corner he sees a stern looking middle aged man and a robed woman with bits of blue or light purple hair poking out from her hood on the ground, looking at each other as they speak.

Kazuma turns around.

'Maybe it's cosplay season?' He thinks before wandering more through the city. Eventually he finds himself in a busy section of the city. After some more wandering he approaches a red haired young man.

"Pardon me, can you tell me where there are any hotels I can stay for the night?"

"Not too many of those I'm afraid…There are some over that way but they are pricy. I think there are some cheaper options that way, but I don't know exactly where. I think the church offers sanctuary too. I'd help more but my break is about over."

"No worries, thanks a lot!"

Kazuma settles on bumming a night at the church.

'Least the Church's in Japan aren't as bad as the ones in Arcanletia!' He thinks before opening the door and asking to stay before seeing the murdering priest and about to be murderous spearman.

"…If I pretend to have amnesia about this can I leave?" Kazuma asks.

"I'm afraid that is not an option young man." Kirei says.

"Why not?"

"Long story short, mages like secrecy." Cu Chulainn says.

"Mages?"

"Yes…but there might be a way out of this for you. Repeat after me." Cu says, making Kirei look at him with a raised brow.

"You're spear makes my destiny, and my will creates your body-"

'Oh, must be a cosplay thing like with that couple. I'll just play along then talk to someone about staying the night.' Kazuma thinks before repeating everything Cu says, and feeling a burning sensation on his hand. Looking over he sees 3 strange red symbols.

"What the Hell?!"

"Bad move Lancer." A voice further in says, making Cu Chulainn shudder a moment before leaping towards Kazuma and carrying him with one hand out of the church.

"What the-?!" Kazuma sees he is dozens of feet above in the air. A minute later, he is on the ground in some woods and Cu is scratching the back of his neck as Kazuma looks around in stunned silence.

"…What was that chant about? This isn't a cosplay thing is it?"

"Afraid not lad, you're in a Holy Grail War now."

"A what?" Kazuma asks.

"Basically a… 7 way team death match? Huh, strange term…Anyway, it's between teams of Masters, that's you now, and Servants, figures from myth and history, like me, to-."

"I'm sorry but can you give me a minute?" Kazuma asks.

"Sure thing, and sorry for dragging you into this…this won't be a long situation I promise." Cu says as Kazuma goes to some nearby woods.

"ERIS!" He shouts with every fiber of his being, making Cu raise an eyebrow.

"I know it's not quite my place, but you should try to be quiet…and why are you shouting the name of a Greek Godd-"

"Hi Kazuma…"

"What the-?!"

"Do you call this a vacation? I'm in some kind of secret world team death match now! I didn't even get a hot girl as a teammate but some cool guy that seems like he would die off screen or after an awesome showing!"

"You are!? Oh no, I must have messed up the teleportation or timing, you were supposed to save that young woman without realizing…" Eris says.

"Wait, you were supposed to- wait, who is this mysterious voice? And why do I feel a massive tract of mana?" Cu Chulainn says while getting closer, now seeing the rip in the air.

"…You're not just some regular guy are you?"

"Greetings, Cu Chulainn, Ireland's Child of Light." Eris says, making Cu Chulainn straighten up.

"May I implore you to look after this young man during his stay in this city?"

"I was already planning on such a course after he saved me from being that priest's lapdog…though I cannot promise what happens after I kill that priest."

"You are not planning on attempting a wish from the Holy Grail?" Eris asks.

"A what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Not really. I just want to clash with great heroes, but more importantly, I want to kill that priest…I would have done so, but I'd rather an innocent not get killed by whoever was further in the church."

"What is this about a wish?"

"Oh, the Grail grants a wish for the victor of the war." Cu Chulainn says.

"Any wish?" Kazuma asks with a glint in his eyes.

"As far as I know."

"Then I'm in." Kazuma says.

"What? Not that I mind, but you sure you want to stay in this? You're likely to die."

"Wouldn't be the first time, and from what I gathered, I'll have a target on my back no matter what now…besides, that wish could be the answer to my own struggles." Kazuma says.

"…Not that I want to dampen your resolve since it aligns with mine, but you aren't suited to being a master; I can already feel myself straining to exist in this world due to your lack of mana."

"You use mana?"

"Yeah, it's what keeps servants around and fuels us, and our main way of getting that is from Master's own mana...there are other ways, but I'm not keen on them."

"…One moment." Kazuma says before taking out a reusable bottle.

"Create water." Kazuma casts the spell, making Cu somewhat wide eyed at seeing water appear out of thin air before being handed the drink. After a moment he takes a drink and finishes it with wide eyes.

"That…that was the most delicious water I ever had! How is it so full of mana?!"

"Something I picked up in my adventures in another world. I also have ample experience in working with a powerful blue person." Kazuma says with a gin and a thumbs up.

Cu Chulainn matches the gesture.

===

"We should probably get ourselves familiar with the area." Lancer says as they walk through a section of burnt out plain.

"I was wandering the last few hours through the city so I think I'm good there. But given the whole secret thing, we probably won't be doing much there right?"

"Yeah, we'd probably be fighting at night and in secluded areas like this. I should tell you what I can-" Cu stops when a blonde in a rain coat and a red haired young man emerge from another section of the plain.

"Careful Master." Lancer says while readying his weapon.

"Wait, I met that guy earlier." They both say back.

"Surprising…but right now he is a mage hell bent on killing you."

"…Why would a mage be working as a laborer?" Kazuma asks.

"Don't know, maybe his mage craft is expensive? Either way, this is the perfect opportunity to show you what I can do, and my ultimate technique!" Lancer says before charging the blonde in a rain coat who tosses the garment off and begins battle with Lancer, quickly answering his blows and pushing back, the clang of metal deafening.

'Strange…she looks like she is holding nothing at all…' Kazuma thinks while using his enhanced sight to study her movements. A moment later Lancer is being pushed back.

"…You're more formidable than I expected. Shame we didn't meet earlier. What class are you?"

"I'm obviously a Lancer Servant."

"Amusing…But no matter." Lancer says before taking a low stance, his crimson spear starting to glow as he lunges, well beyond any range for a thrust.

"Gae Bolg!" He shouts, and a moment later the blonde staggers to a knee despite seemingly deflecting the blow.

"Amazing! You wounded her gravely despite it being blocked!"

"No…This is not good Master…"

"How? She's bleeding and on one knee, oh she's up again."

"That…That attack reverses causality and guarantees my target gets stabbed in the heart. She should be dead, not wounded…" Lancer says.

"Then how is she still alive??"

"Luck does not favor you today Lancer!" The blonde says, now back on her feet.

"…Luck?"

"…It is possible for servants with high luck and quick reflexes to make my Gae Bolg non fatal…"

"You're telling me you have bad luck?"

"E rank unless I drink a lot of that water…"

"Oh my God, it's happening again…Next you'll tell me you're a drunkard…"

"That's just a rude stereotype of the Irish!"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that! I'm not a drunk!"

"I'm not paying your debts."

"Why would I ever-" Cu's question is cut off when the blonde attacks him, still as strong but more slowly now.

"Saber!" The red head says.

"Least we got her class…"

"But we know your servant is Cu Chulainn!" Saber says.

'Right…now that they now that they can study him for weaknesses while we don't know her name putting us in a disadvantage…'

"You say that like I cannot overpower you in your current-ugh…!" Lancer says before feeling himself grow more faint, now using his spear to keep himself up.

"Hm? I did not expect your Noble Phantasm to drain you so…Or is this a feint to lull me? But taking you out will be of a great help to us." Saber says, readying her invisible sword.

"W-wait, can't we just get them to surrender?" The red asks.

"No, mages do not simply yield Shirou." Saber says to her master as Kazuma approaches Cu Chulainn, handing him a bottle.

"I'll distract her a moment, so fuel up."

"…Thanks." Cu says before taking the much needed water.

"Hm? Why do you approach?"

"I wish to ask you something since you somewhat remind me of a companion of mine."

"…Speak then."

"Are you a hopeless pervert who enjoys feeling pain?" Kazuma asks, making Lancer choke on some water as Saber and Shirou look at him aghast.

Saber points her blade at him.

"…I may kill you for such an asinine and offensive question."

"That's not no."

"Are you so dense to think me so depraved?"

"Bad time to mention I don't think I can best her in my current state?" Lancer asks, feeling alive again.

"I don't mind a tactical retreat, but leaving without knowing her name will only come back to haunt us…" Kazuma says before extending a hand towards Saber.

"Magic from this world cannot harm me."

"Good thing this isn't magic from this world!"

"What?!" All three ask at the same time as his hand starts glowing bright, soon blinding everyone present.

"Steal!" He says, and a moment later, everyone looks confused when Saber still has her blade and armor.

Then she pales and glares at Kazuma.

Kazuma also frowns.

"Guess I can't complain about your luck Cu…"

"Why do you say-" Cu stops when Kazuma opens his fist, showing a pair of plain white panties.

"Oh my God…" Cu says, frowning fully at his master.

Saber's sword reveals itself as she raises it above her head, now glowing brightly.

"EX-"

 

[Davos]

"Oh my God!" Cu says before grabbing Kazuma.

"-CLAIBUR!" The blonde woman shouts with every fiber of her being, unleashing a wave of potent golden energy in Kazuma's direction.

Cu barely manages to hoist him away and evade the blow.

Saber coughs up some blood but still keeps an eye on them as they begin to retreat, but Cu stops.

"Luck does not favor you today Saber!" He says with smart ass grin until he notices Kazuma waving the pair of panties at her like a handkerchief.

"Really Master?"

"She tried to kill me; I have no qualms about annoying her, especially when she is too injured to continue."

"She might have battle continuation."

"She could, but possibility is not enough to stop me from certainly annoying her~." Kazuma says, continuing to wave merrily at a scowling Saber until Lancer jumps away.

Saber takes a deep breath and turns to Shirou.

"My apologies Master, Even if I knew there was no people or housing in that direction, I still let my anger get the better of me and-" Saber stops when she sees Shirou looking at the devastation her Noble Phantasm caused with an open mouth, wide eyes, and slight shudder.

"Master?"

"It's…It's exactly like back then…the great Fuyuki fire! D-did you…?"

"There…were circumstances and-W-wait Master I can explain!"

===

"What in the world was that Archer?" A young woman in a red top and black skirt asks a man in a red coat.

"That was likely a Noble Phantasm, and a powerful one at that. I would not be surprised if that was from the Saber servant of this war."

"Still, using a Noble Phantasm this early? And one as showy as that? Must be a complete rookie of a master…"

"The Holy Grail War does have a history of pulling non mages into this conflict." The red coat man says with a neutral face.

"That should make things easier for us…though it would help if I knew what you can do."

"Apologies Master. My memories are still hazy."

'But…Saber never used Excalibur this early before…what is going on?' Archer thinks with a closed eye before noticing Rin walking in a direction.

"Where are you going Master?"

"To track down one of the fighters, they must be weakened after that display…or are you unable to track them Archer?" She asks with a slight smile.

===

"Guess we know where 'Big brother' is tonight~." A white haired child says with a smile. The giant in spirit form beside her grunts in agreement before they head in that direction.

===

"Is that…the power of a servant?" A lean middle aged man asks at the gate of a temple.

"Indeed Master…I would not be surprised if that was from Saber or another Knight class…now do you see why I suggested my plan of gathering mana?" A robed woman asks as she finishes setting up a summoning circle.

"I do…I am no stranger to such tactics…but that sight was still astounding."

"Indeed…One moment master, I need silence for this next part." She says and her master nods. A few minutes later a man with long hair and an absurdly long sword appears.

"…Which one of you is my master?"

"I am, Assassin…or would you rather I call you Kojiro Sasaki?"

"It matters not, Witch of Colchis, as long as I can head out and meet a worthy foe in battle."

"Then you are not going to like my order…And I insist that you never call me that again."



===

"This grail war is looking to be quite interesting…wouldn't you agree, Kirei?" A blonde man says while swirling a cup of red liquid.

"Indeed…Though I cannot help but be wary of the Child of Light holding a grudge against me."

"Are you really worried about that mongrel? The one that ran away at the sound of my voice? Though I admit, I might not be in top form…" The blonde man says with a smirk.

"My apologies, King of Heroes. It is rather difficult to find orphans ten years after a disaster." Kirei says, drawing a chuckle from the blonde servant.

===

"What the Hell was that?!" A blue haired young man says.

"A servant…one much more powerful than I." A pink haired woman in a short black outfit says.

"I can see that!....We'll have to hurry that plan along…Think I need to see Sakura to calm down after that…~"

"…As you wish Master."

===

Some distance away, Cu lets Kazuma go and looks at him, studying him.

"Something on my face? Or are you going to reprimand me for earlier?"

"No, just realized something after thinking about that water you make."

"What is it?"

"Can you make food? Specifically potatoes?"

"Isn't that a stereotype of the Irish?" Kazuma asks, getting a small grin from Cu.

"It is if they aren't delicious. So can you?"

"Yes and no. I do have a garden back home with vegetables that are probably as rich in mana as the water, but they still take time to grow, at least a week for small ones to be edible." Kazuma says as Cu empties the bottle, looking notably heartier after the infusion of mana.

"Shame…If it's anything like the water, I would kill for a baked potato right now."

"Wow…the grail really did pull in non masters…" A young woman's voice says, making Cu and Kazuma turn to see the young woman in red and black and red coat wearing man with white hair and tanned skin.

"Another one so soon?!" Kazuma asks in shock.

"This servant is likely good at tracking...I'm sure he is hoping for an easy win thinking I am spent after that fight with Saber." Cu says, spear at the ready.

'So he did fight with Saber…but that shouldn't have been enough to make her use her- wait…who is this??' Archer thinks while looking at Kazuma in surprise.

"Where are you looking Red?!" Cu says, already closing the distance and stabbing away at Archer, quickly pushing him back.

The young woman watches some distance, growing more concerned as Archer is forced back, and staring wide eyed when his twin swords are flung away.

"You got this Lancer!" Kazuma says.

When Lancer goes to stab him, Archer already has his blades back, only for it to be tossed aside again.

And again.

And again for the fifth time.

"…What the Hell?" Cu asks and Archer merely grins back at him.

'He doesn't seem nearly as strong as Saber, but the fact he has unlimited blades at his disposal is an issue.' Kazuma thinks before the red man speaks.

"Are you troubled Setanta? Or should I call you Cu Chulainn?"

"What the Hell?" Kazuma mutters in shock as Rin looks on with a smile.

"…How do you know I am not another Lancer?" Cu asks, equally puzzled.

"You're skill is as revealing as a Noble Phantasm."

"Then I see no point in keeping it secret!" Cu says before jumping back and dropping low, a hand on the ground his spear glowing red. Archer grimaces and raises an arm as Cu attacks, hurling his spear with all the force his wound up body can muster into the throw.

"Gae Bolg!"

"Rho Aias!" Archer says, making seven petals appear. The young woman flinches, as wide eyed as Kazuma and Cu when the petals start shattering slowly from Cu's attack, stopping entirely at the fifth gate before returning to Cu. When the shield vanishes, Archer is only slightly damaged and fatigued from the attack, but the young woman goes to a knee with heavy breathing, a hand at her heart.

"…I'm starting to think you don't know what causality means Cu."

"Not the time Master! And in my defense, that shield is literally the worst thing for me to face! It is the ultimate defense against thrown weapons… But now we have his name…he is Ajax!" Cu says and Archer smiles.

"But…aren't those short swords Chinese?" Kazuma asks and Archer's smile fades.

"That…they were…"

"And his style of clothing is neither Chinese nor Greek…What is your name?" Kazuma shouts the question.

"I do not know, I have amnesia!" Archer answers back, smiling when he sees Cu start leaning on his lance.

'Crap…Cu is running on empty again. Got to make something up to distract them so he can recover!'

"So you're Japanese!" Kazuma shouts with unsupported bravado.

"W-what?" Archer asks, taking a step back from the question. Cu takes the chance to drink water.

"How in the world did you come to that conclusion??" The young woman asks.

"Because…" Kazuma starts before swallowing.

"He's obviously been isekai'd!"

"I've never been run over by a truck!" Archer shouts before blanching. His master looks at him with an open mouth.

"Aha! So you are Japanese, and judging from your skin tone, an ntr bastard too!" Kazuma says, making Cu raise an eyebrow as he finishes the water.

"How dare y- I mean I don't know what that means!"

"Oh my God, my servant is a womanizer…" The young woman says.

"I am not! Wait why do you know that term?" Archer asks.

"Why do you?! Have you been eyeballing me?!" The woman says while covering herself.

"No! Why would you- I am considerably older than you!"

"Age hasn't exactly stopped perversion, especially the Greeks who you have taken an interest in, Mr. 'Rho Aias'! And believe me when I say I know that for a fact! Do I need to use another command seal to keep you from perving on me?!"

"No! Don't use that so recklessly! If you feel uncomfortable wear a longer skirt so you aren't flashing people below when I carry you! Ahhh, I cannot believe I am having this conversation…" Archer says with a hand at his head as his master covers her face.

"…Do I even want to know what ntr means?" Cu asks.

"Basically cuckoldry."

"Do I need to know any finer points to taunt him with it?" Cu asks with a smirk.

"Probably not, though ugly bastard is a common term for it too." Kazuma says with a grin and Cu raises his spear.

"Prepare to die you ugly bastard!"

"I am definitely not ugly!"

'…Well, this is a new shade of Hell I'm walking into…' Archer thinks before more footsteps approach.

"Please, Shirou, it is unsafe to go wandering aimlessly at this hour!"

"Stay away from me! You caused that-" Shirou and Saber stop when they see the other four. Saber readies her blade.

"Great, Queen Arthur is here…" Kazuma says.

"King! I did not lead battles to become Queen of the Britons!"

"Rin, we should leave. Even with Lancer in this questionable state, I don't think I can defeat Saber."

"Agreed…getting two servant's true names is enough of a victory so we should-"

A tree falling over and crashing to the ground catches their attention.

By the tree is a white haired child standing next to mountain of muscle with a stone blade bigger than most men.

"Oh my, three servants in one place? This war will be so much shorter than I expected. Get them Berserker~."

 

[Davos]

Berserker lets out a roar and charges the nearest servant, Saber, nearly throwing her across the field. During the short wind up of another swing, Cu Chulainn steps in and slashes him, but not doing any noticeable damage. He does redirect the giant's swing and evades, allowing Saber to get a stab of her own in, which also proves ineffective.

Kazuma hides behind a tree as the ground shakes with each swing.

"Archer, where are you?!" The dark haired young woman shouts.

"What do you mean you can see us? Wait, what are you- No don't go into the middle of a servant fight!" She says, pulling back the red headed guy.

"But-"

"No buts! We might be in a Holy Grail War, but as long as he is around, I'm willing to call a truce. I assume that's ok with you too, coward?" She shouts the last part at Kazuma.

"I'm not a coward; I'm just staying out of the fight!"

A swoosh of wind draws their eye, and they see Saber has dealt the fatal blow to the giant.

"Huh…Not as bad as I-" Kazuma goes quiet when he sees the giant regenerate and stands back with a primal, animalistic scream.

The make shift alliance members look on in shock.

"That's…How did you summon a demi-God?!" Cu asks.

"W-who is it?" Kazuma asks.

"Heracles~." Says the white haired girl with a smirk.

"Not Hercules?"

"He's Greek, not Roman you troglodyte."

"Are there any other differences we should be aware about?"

"He has 12 lives, 1 for each labor, and becomes immune to whatever method killed him~."

"Oh that is complete and utter bullshit!" Kazuma says.

"I hate that I agree with him…" Says the dark haired girl.

"Likewise…" Says Saber before Heracles takes another swipe at her.

"Gae Bolg!" Lancer says, making another red stream appear through the air, aimed directly at Heracles' chest.

Only for it to bounce off harmlessly, not even slowing the giant as it sends Saber flying through the air.

'That is the third time!' Cu and Kazuma think at the same time.

"…Did he get lucky or…" Kazuma starts to ask, making Cu wince.

"Oh, I forgot to mention, only Noble Phantasms ranked A or higher can harm him~."

"Lancer, what's your rank?" Kazuma asks, despite suspecting the answer.

"…It was B. Now it's C++." He says before the giant turns towards him, steam coming out of its mouth.

Then he explodes, shot from behind with an arrow carrying the force of a missile.

The giant is unaffected, but Cu uses the momentum to aid the last of his energy to create some distance.

Kazuma tosses him another bottle, and he begins drinking.

Kazuma raises both shaking hands toward Berserker who is looking around for the source of the barrage.

"Master, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to steal that bastard's weapon!"

"…I really don't want to be near you when you get his loincloth…" Cu says with a side long frown.

"I won't! Steal!" Kazuma shouts with all his soul, hoping against hope to weaken the giant that is stepping towards the dark haired woman, now stopping at the bright light from Kazuma's hands.

When it passes, Cu raises an eyebrow.

The giant is not only still armed, but likely still wearing his undergarments.

"So…whose is it this time?"

"Oh my God…!" the dark haired woman says.

"You deplorable little-!" The white haired girl says with balled fists.

Kazuma opens his hands and he has a plain pair of white underwear and a surprisingly risqué pair of black panties that look little more than strings with a patch of cloth.

"Two for one…shame one of them is a temporary ally…" Cu says.

"Berserker, change of plans; He's the target for that spell now!" She says with an angry point.

"You think I'm afraid of death?! I'm friends with the Goddess in that afterlife room!" Kazuma shouts.

"Oh I won't kill you. I'm going to have Heracles break your limbs before cutting off your head and casting a spell to make you effectively immortal and feel every sensation of being a severed head~." The white haired girl says, making the other girl blanch and Kazuma stare in true terror.

"There's something fundamentally wrong with you, you stunted bitch!" Kazuma says before Heracles roars and begins running towards Kazuma.

"Lurk!" He says and vanishes, stunning everyone present.

"How in the world did he-"

"Over here!" Kazuma shouts.

Heracles wastes no time in charging after him.

"Freeze!" Kazuma says, and ice appears on the ground, making the giant slip.

And do a flip, spinning in the air like a break dancer and ballet super star before landing directly in front of a stiffly smiling and shaking Kazuma.

He raises his weapon.

Kazuma takes a hurried deep breath.

"ERIS SAVE ME!" He shouts, making the insane giant tilt its head in a moment of pause at the familiar name. Then in further confusion as a rip appears in the air.

"What…" The white haired girl and Saber says.

"Is…" The black haired girl and Shirou say.

"Going on over there?" Archer says, squinting to see better and in befuddlement.

"Hello again Eris!" Cu says.

"Hello again Child of- Wait…Heracles?!" Eris asks and Heracles stares with a gaping mouth at the rip.

"Uh…I know this is not the best time to ask you for anything, but can you give this man a break…he's been through a lot."

"Hnng." Heracles growls back.

"Yes, I know, not quite as much as you, but he didn't ask to be here and-"

"Hng."

"Excuse me?! What did you just call me?!"

"Hnng."

"Don't repeat it!"

"Hnnng~ Haha Hmph!" Heracles says, drawing an exceptionally loud gasp from Eris.

"That's it!" Eris says before the rip gets bigger and her fist comes through it.

"God Blow!" Eris says, and the punch sends Heracles flying through the air, crashing next to his pale, open mouthed, and near comatose young master.

The others cannot believe what they just witnessed as Heracles grunts and fades into spirit form.

"This isn't over!" She shouts and begins running away with tears in her eyes.

===

"What the Hell was all that!? I thought you weren't a mage!" The dark haired girl says some time later after recovering back at Shirou's place.

"I'm not. I only know basic magic from another world…and shouldn't you introduce yourself?" Kazuma says while spinning the risqué black panties on one finger.

"…Please stop doing that in my home…" Shirou asks with a hand at his face.

"And return mine as well!" Saber says with a scowl.

"Pardon me for forgetting my manners with a panty thief!" The girl in red says.

"You're still acting all high and mighty after wearing this lewd piece of clothing?" Kazuma says while spinning the black panties on his finger. The girl looks at him flatly.

"…Those aren't my panties you perverted freak." She says and Kazuma stops spinning them, arriving at only one conclusion, and not liking it.

"…There is something fundamentally wrong with this world." Kazuma says.

"…How the Hell did you wind up with him as your master? I cannot imagine him having an artifact related to you or having that much affinity…" Archer asks Cu while standing next to Cu.

"I was summoned by someone else, a nice young lady from my homeland that had one of my earrings, but then the priest killed her and I had him make a pact with me so I wouldn't be his lap dog." Cu says.

"Kirei did what?!...No that makes perfect sense actually…" The dark haired young woman says with a hand at her head.

 

[Davos]

After introductions of names, and Kazuma repeating his truthful and absurd reason for being there, the others turn to the silent elephant in the room.

"…He really isn't lying…" Eris says through the rip.

"This raises so many questions…" Rin says.

"…Why is a Greek Goddess looking over the departed of Japan?" Shirou asks.

"That's uh…bit of a long story. But this is due to circumstances. Normally another Goddess handles this area."

"Why is a Japanese man, who chose to go to another world, back in Japan?" Saber asks.

"I don't want to talk about that…" Kazuma says, looking away with fully sullen eyes.

"I do have a question for you Lady Eris." Archer says.

"What is it?"

"If this young man dies during the course of the war, what happens to him? Does he simply go back to that other world? I ask because I do not wish to incur the wrath of a deity." Archer asks and Eris remains quiet.

"…Eris?" Kazuma asks.

"The…laws in this world and the circumstances make that more difficult than back in the other world, so I am not entirely sure yet…"

"Wait, I can permanently die here?" Kazuma asks.

"I didn't think you would be at risk of dying during a vacation in your home country! Plus the mana in this world behaves differently, further complicating things…"

"…How often do you die in this other world Master?" Cu asks and Kazuma remains quiet.

"…I can't tell if you're the biggest threat in this war, or the biggest joke." Rin says flatly, making Kazuma glare.

"You have no idea what I had to put up with in that world! My party is full of crazy people! Like- Wait a minute…" Kazuma starts then stops when he looks around the room.

First at Saber; a blonde knight with noble bearing.

Then at Rin, a dark haired girl in red that knows magic.

Then finally at Cu Chulainn who is clad in blue, who has a lot of hype and ability, but has failed at everything they attempted.

'Nothing's changed! I'm back where I started! And that's not including whatever baggage a guy that would willingly run into a servant fight and this Chinese Ajax that's actually possibly Japanese would have…!' Kazuma thinks with an open mouth and blank eyes before looking at Shirou.

"Something the matter?"

"Is there any liquor in this house?" Kazuma asks, and Cu looks at him.

"No…wait, why are you asking? You look about the same age as us."

"I'm not asking for myself."

"Really Master?" Cu asks with a sigh.

"Sorry Cu, but I don't believe in coincidences, and there are too many familiar sights here!"

"I'm not a drunkard! Besides, I doubt I would even like sake."

"Your loss…ugh!" Archer says.

"…So you are a Japanese hero…but which one would have your skill set?" Rin mutters.

"Maybe he's Chinese who came over?" Shirou asks.

"That wouldn't explain the Greek shield." Kazuma says.

"Maybe he is a trader who's been around the world?" Saber suggests.

"M-my identity is not important right now!" Archer says.

"Awfully convenient for you, Red; you already know our names." Cu says.

"He's probably a Japanese guy that is obsessed with everything European, and that's why he doesn't want to tell us." Kazuma says, enjoying Archer's forehead vein.

"I am not….Knowing my name will not change the fact none of us can stand against Berserker." Archer says, and the others cannot disagree.

"…Not to mention what that priest has in the church." Cu says.

Rin stands up.

"For now, we should go home and do more info gathering…Not like there is much more we can do tonight."

Kazuma looks at Shirou. Shirou returns a flat stare. Rin also looks at Kazuma.

"…I still don't have a place for tonight so-"

"Absolutely not!" Saber says.

"But we're allies aren't we~?" Kazuma says, making Saber's eye twitch.

"I think you need to give up your trophies to try and smooth things over Master."

Kazuma begrudgingly returns the plain panties, making Saber and Rin leave the room.

"…You actually stole Saber's underwear?" Archer asks.

"By accident." Kazuma says and Archer merely looks flatly at him.

He throws out the black ones and casts 'tinder' on it, sending it up in flames.

Rin and Archer leave a minute later and the four settle in for the night.

===

Kazuma wakes up and finds Shirou and Cu in the kitchen and dining room respectively.

"Why are you up so early?" Kazuma asks.

"Making my breakfast and my lunch for school." Shirou says.

A few minutes later the four of them sit to eat a standard breakfast.

Except Saber who gets a plain bowl of rice and a small, slightly burnt fish.

Saber looks at Shirou.

Shirou ignores her while eating his soup.

Saber steals one of Kazuma's rolled omelets and eats it.

"What the Hell?!" Kazuma says, stopping Saber's chopsticks with his own from stealing the rest of his breakfast.

"Servants need their strength…and you more than deserve punishment after last night."

"Should a Queen really hold a grudge~?" Kazuma asks, making Saber's brow furrow. She reaches with her free hand and starts pulling the plate towards her, but Kazuma already has his hand on it, stopping her attempt.

"I am a king, not a queen!"

"Either way, you seem to have no problem stealing from people weaker than you."

"Are you seriously accusing someone of stealing?!" Saber asks.

"It's not an accusation if it's true!" Kazuma says, struggling to keep his dish.

Cu glances at Shirou. Shirou looks up at Cu.

'I'm sure he has reasons for withholding the extra dishes hidden behind that wall.' Cu thinks before going back to his meal and a few more minutes of bickering between Saber and Kazuma, he lets Saber know about the other dishes. She goes for them and Shirou leaves for school.

===

Saber spends the day in the dojo, away from Kazuma and Cu, with the door locked.

"Can't say I blame her." Cu says, making Kazuma further frown.

"I meet two pretty girls and they both hate my guts…And I'm supposed to have above average luck." Kazuma says.

"You had a Goddess save your life from one of the strongest servants in existence. I call that lucky."

"But it can it be called a life without a girl by my side?"

"…You might get further with them if you don't steal their underwear as a first impression."

"I can't control that ability…it's randomized!"

"Is it really random if it's the same item three times in a row?" Cu asks.

Kazuma has no answer.

The front door opens.

Kazuma goes over to it and stops in his tracks.

The girl with purple hair also freezes, looking at him with widened eyes.

"Uh…W-who are you? T-this is private residence and…"

"I-I'm not a trespasser! My name is Kazuma Satou, I was invited here by Shirou last night…"

"Oh…that is surprising. Shirou doesn't usually invite people over. The only people I've seen here are him and Miss Fujimura…Um, My name is Sakura Matou…"

"I'm sure he'll be here in a bit since school is out." Kazuma says and the girl looks away.

"Uh…Did he get detention or something?"

"No…he uh…is cleaning up the archery range at school."

"Is it a big range?"

"Considerable…He'll probably be at it until after dark. That's why I wanted to get here and put something together for him and-" Sakura stops when she sees Cu walk back to the house, giving a friendly wave to her. She waves back in shock.

"He's…a friend, he's traveling with me at the moment."

"You're traveling?"

"I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I uh…complications happened and I'm in a awkward place."

"Oh, unfortunate. But if Shirou invited you here, I'm sure you're a good person." Sakura says and Kazuma nearly cries from joy.

Then Sakura squeaks.

"W-who are you?" She asks and Kazuma turns to see Saber behind him some distance away.

"I am…uh…"

Kazuma grins and Saber spots, her eye twitching in dread.

"Shirou can vouch for her…Her name is Elizabeth~."

"Oh, it's…nice to meet you Elizabeth…I'm Sakura." She says with a bit of a stiff smile.

"Likewise Sakura…" Saber says with an equally stiff smile, a fist clenched at her side.

'I should probably stop annoying the woman that could kill me while revival is uncertain…Later~." Kazuma thinks before the door opens and a woman with short brown hair and an easy going smile in a green dress with a striped shirt under it enters with a fast stride before stopping when she sees Kazuma and Saber.

"Did you invite friends over Sak-" She stops when she sees Cu exit the house.

"Get back, there's a shady looking burglar!"

"Where?!" Cu asks, ready to kick ass, unaware of the woman pulling out a kendo sword.

"You targeted the wrong estate!" She says, slashing at Cu who side steps and backs off.

"I'm not a burglar!"

"You expect me to believe a contact wearing, hair dying punk like you isn't a lawbreaker?"

"This is my natural hair and eye color! And I am mostly honorable!"

"Then I'll give you one chance to prove it! In the dojo or we're calling the cops! You face Taiga Fujimura!"

"B-but Fujimura, he-"

"Get that phone ready Sakura!"

"Y-yes…"

"…I know it's not my place, but you should really stand up for yourself…" Kazuma whispers.

"I know…" Sakura says as they all head to the dojo to watch Cu and Taiga spar. Although he has more skill his experience, he winds up only edging out a victory. Kazuma looks at him flatly when he walks away after getting Taiga's stamp of approval.

"…I'm great with a spear but muck with a sword."

"Really? I wouldn't mind fighting you with a spear sometime!" Taiga says.

"I wouldn't mind that either…though it'll a lot more one sided~."

"Heh you wish…anyway your turn now!" Taiga says to Saber.

"What?"

"I'm not letting some strange girl stay with Shirou. You got to prove it too!"

"B-but don't you need rest?" Saber asks as she catches a bamboo sword.

"I can do this all day!" Taiga says before they start.

And gets a bump on her forehead.

"…You're approved…" Taiga says somewhat sadly before turning to Kazuma her zeal back in a second.

"…Is a match really required at this point?"

"Yes. I'm not letting ne'er-do-wells stay here!"

"As you wish. I'll try to not hit you in your face."

"You'd be lucky to hit me at all! Your blue friend struggled mightily against me!"

"Careful M- Kazuma…She is quite skilled." Cu says.

"No need to worry, and prepare for a show!"

"Strange, I didn't think you would be the cocky type." Taiga says with a smile.

"I'm no stranger to a sword…prepare yourself…Tiger!" Kazuma says, smiling at the eye twitch even if he does feel slightly bad at taunting her.

The guilt vanishes as he is whacked from every possible angle, Taiga not showing mercy even as welts form on his body in mid spar. It's only when Kazuma starts sputtering on his knees Taiga relents and scratches the back of her head.

"S-sorry, I really hate being called that…"

Sakura has her hands over her mouth in shock.

Cu looks on neutrally, more surprised at Taiga's energy than the outcome. He is however somewhat disturbed at Saber's reaction.

She is smiling fully and sweetly at Kazuma's pain.

 

[Davos]

Shirou comes home and sees Kazuma covered in bandages, Taiga and Sakura in shock, Cu acting nonchalantly, and Saber smiling with the radiance of the sun.

"…Saber, did you beat up Kazuma?"

"No!"

"Why are you calling Elizabeth 'Saber', Shirou? It's not really nice to call a girl that…" Taiga asks with a head tilt, noticing Saber's eye twitch and Kazuma smile.

"…It's a nickname she likes…" Shirou says, frowning at having to lie.

"Oh, makes sense. She is an amazing swordswoman!" Taiga says, making Saber's eye twitch despite the praise. Shirou resists sighing as he heads to the kitchen.

"I already made dinner Senpai."

"Oh thank you Sakura. Sorry you had to make it by yourself."

"Oh I didn't, Kazuma helped. He's surprisingly handy in a kitchen." Sakura says, making Kazuma smile and Shirou look at him askance.

"I see…That's good to know." He says before they sit down to dinner, everyone's spirits rising with the good food, especially Saber since Sakura gave her adequate servings.

Until Kazuma steals one of her finely cooked fish.

"Cretin!" Saber says, grabbing the fish with her chopstick and trying to pull it back.

"Call it a tax for stealing my egg this morning!"

"I gave you a roll back to make up for that!"

"This is in the interest."

"Ah, young love~." Taiga says causing Saber to snap a chopstick in fury.

Cu Chulainn has a hand over his mouth as he shakes from laughter.

'…Least she isn't trying to take Shirou…though maybe it's better if she or someone else does. It's not like I-' Sakura bites her tongue to stop the thought.

Shirou looks flatly at his servant and Kazuma before resuming his meal.

===

After the meal, Shirou is looking at a patch of freshly dug up Earth with Saber, Kazuma and Cu Chulainn.

"…What is this?" He asks.

"A potato patch." Kazuma answers and Cu's eyes sparkle.

"Just how long do you plan to live here?!"

"I'll share."

"That is not the issue here!"

"Emiya, we all know there is no shortage of issues with that…thing." Rin says at the gate.

"Don't call me a thing!" Kazuma says.

"Can't exactly call you a man." Rin says with a smile. The smile fades when Kazuma raises a hand towards Rin. Saber also grimaces and readies her blade, in turn making Cu ready his lance. Rin in turns points a finger at him, her other hand supporting her arm.

"Don't you dare do it!"

"Then mind your manners."

"You are the last person to chastise someone for ill manners!" Saber says.

"…Although I cannot disagree with you, I think we all should calm down…also what brings you here, little Red?" Cu asks making Rin blink.

"Shirou didn't tell you?" She asks and Shirou's eyes widen a moment.

"Sorry, I forgot when I saw the absurdity at coming back…"

"What did you mean to tell us Master?" Saber asks.

"There's a bounded field at the school."

"What?" Cu and Saber ask at the same time."

"Is that bad?" Kazuma asks.

"This one could possibly kill everyone at the school." Rin says.

"Wait, isn't that against the rules for this War?"

"Technically yes, but it's more about having witnesses. If there are no witnesses, there are no problems…There have been incidents of gas leaks but it's possible that was a servant feeding." Rin says.

"Feeding?" Kazuma and Shirou ask, making Rin blink.

"…Lancer and Saber didn't explain this to you?"

"I'm not fond of that method." Cu says.

"I find it repulsive." Saber says.

"Fair enough…" Rin says before explaining that servant can get mana from feeding on people's souls which is likely what the master at the school is attempting to do.

"So what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Me and Shirou will start to erase sigils for the Bounded field tomorrow…as for you…" Rin trails off.

"Maybe he can help? Do you know a spell that can break sigils or find them?" Shirou asks.

"Got nothing like that, and I'd rather not go to school." Kazuma says, making everyone look at him askance or full of disdain.

"So you would let others die to avoid danger?...Somehow I am not surprised." Saber says.

"It's not like that. True, I don't have a good history with school, but I would think this master who made that field would love to catch masters in it too, so having all of us there would be in their favor." Kazuma says, making them all reconsider.

"…I'm shocked you have a brain that actually thought of that." Rin says.

"Hey."

"But having something in reserve can be helpful…Though that something being you is a little worrisome." Rin continues, making Kazuma look flatly at her.

"Hey, I'm still alive after having that giant chasing me!"

"Yes…Because you had a deity to bail you out. How can we know she'll do that again? She may have…God stuff to take care of when something happens."

"…I'm competent." Kazuma says and Shirou clears his throat.

"…I did hear that there is a 'witch' in Ryuudou temple. Maybe he can go during the day time to investigate that? His skill set is more suited to recon then either of us."

"Wait, where did you hear that?" Rin asks.

"Rider's Master."

"You met with a master?!" Saber and Rin ask at the same time.

"You got more guts than I realized…" Cu says,

"Wait, couldn't Rider's master be the one setting up this field?" Kazuma asks.

"He said he wasn't before telling me about witch at the temple."

"…And you just believed him?"

"I had no reason to believe he was lying." Shirou says.

"…Are you serious right now?"

"I hate that I'm agreeing with him again…" Rin says.

"Likewise…"

"Who is Rider's master?" Rin asks.

"Shinji Matou."

"And you believed him?!" Rin shouts.

"You don't sound too bright." Kazuma says.

"…Saber do you want to beat up Kazuma again?' Shirou asks and Saber happily pulls out a bamboo sword.

"She didn't beat him up earlier, that was Taiga." Cu says.

"I won't stop her. Just not too badly so he can still walk to the temple." Shirou says

"I will make no such promises~." Saber says with a lilt. Kazuma merely looks at her before grinning.

"Elizabeth~."

"You little-"

"Lurk!" He says before vanishing.

"Coward!" Saber yells before beginning to hunt after him to no avail.

===

After breakfast, and staving off Saber's raids on his breakfast, Kazuma and Cu head to the temple. Kazuma explores the temple posing as a tourist, and find little wrong with it. Cu is left outside but close by due to the field affecting him.

When they leave, they bump into a middle aged man in glasses.

'…He looks familiar.' Kazuma thinks.

"Is something the matter, young man?" He asks.

"No, just…did we meet before?" Kazuma asks.

"I don't believe so. I am excellent with recalling faces, and yours does not seem familiar to me."

"Must be my imagination…" Kazuma says and as he and Cu leave, a woman with light purple hair appears, smiling at the man.

"You're back early Souichirou~."

"My final class was early today, I thought I told you?"

'Woah, this plain looking guy has such a beauty?! And with elf ears too…wait elf ears?' Kazuma thinks, looking at the woman more closely before she glances at him with a slight frown.

"Sorry…" Kazuma says while glancing away.

"Do not be too harsh on him. He is a young man."

"You are far too forgiving Souichirou…" She says with a slight sigh before smiling as they head back up to the temple. Kazuma scratches his chin in thought as he and Cu walk.

"Something on your mind?"

"Those two look very familiar…" He says.

===

Kazuma wakes up from a deep sleep with a scream, making the others jolt awake, grabbing sword, spear, and pitifully reinforced pipe in their haste.

"What is it Master?!" Cu asks in a quick breath

"Is there a servant?!" Shirou asks while looking all around.

"Is Kazuma dying?!" Saber asks with a lilt in her voice.

"She's not a cosplayer, that hot elf is a servant!" Kazuma says

 

[Davos]

"You're positive it was Souichirou?" Shirou asks at the breakfast table.

"That's what she said…You know him? Tall, lean, plain looking?" Kazuma asks while pushing his breakfast to the side further from Saber, leaving her to look at a plain bowl of rice and a hard boiled egg.

It's not even unshelled.

Cu slides his plate of fish to Saber, whose eyes sparkle, as Kazuma and Shirou look at Cu.

"I don't have a grudge against her." Cu says before turning back to his meal.

"Why do you have grudges against her?" Taiga asks after swallowing some perfectly cooked egg rolls.

"Long story…" Shirou says, not wanting to or sure how to explain his issue.

"She's a jerk and a food thief." Kazuma says.

"To be fair, you're not undeserving of it." Cu says.

"…I didn't realize you all had history…" Sakura says.

"I'll be around if you want to talk about it…but why are you all so interested in Souichirou? If you're struggling with his class I'm sure he can be talked into helping. Sure, he's kinda scary looking, but he's always been helpful."

"That's…not quite the issue Taiga." Shirou says.

"So what's the issue?"

"The babe he's with at the temple." Kazuma says.

"Kazuma that is not-"

"That rumor is true?!" Taiga asks.

"Saw her myself." Kazuma says.

"Is it true she has an odd hair color?"

"Blue like the sky."

"Oh my God…You have to tell me more!" Taiga says with sparkles in her eyes until Shirou coughs loudly, tapping at a imaginary watch on his wrist.

"…You'll still have to tell me sometime. Unfortunately I have to go be a responsible teacher for a few hours."

"Can't you take a sick day?" Kazuma asks.

"Kazuma!" Shirou says, and Kazuma looks away.

Cu chuckles.

"You want the rest of my breakfast Elizabeth? I was up earlier and had a few too many tangerines so I'm not hungry." Taiga says and Saber's eyes glow.

After Taiga leaves, Shirou glares at Kazuma.

"What?"

"I don't want her involved in this war!"

"I don't either, but if there is a rumor mill, why not use it? It could lead to some unexpected finds on the other masters…we don't know Assassin yet for example."

"…We can talk about this later." Shirou says and leaves for school.

===

At the school, Souichirou is grading papers, ignoring the grinning woman in a green dress.

She is still grinning at him when he finishes, forcing him to respond.

"Is something the matter, Ms. Fujimura?"

'Please do not flirt with me…Medea would not like hearing about that.'

"No…just surprised by you, you sly dog you~."

"…I do not understand."

"I heard you actually met someone. Congratulations!" Taiga says, and Souichirou maintains a neutral face despite the question in his head.

"…Where did you hear about that?"

"From a visitor to Fuyuki that is staying with Shirou."

"Emiya? I see…Wait, can you describe this visitor? I believe I saw him the other day."

"Hmm….Not much to say. He's looks like a typical school boy. Brown hair, normal looking…Was he wearing a green tracksuit?"

"Yes."

"You want to come over sometime? I think you two can- Oh I'm sorry…you need the missy's permission, right~?" Taiga asks with a smirk.

Souichirou maintains a flat face, deflating Taiga.

'Medea might like hearing about this…What vile machinations could this young man be thinking?'

===

Saber and Kazuma look at Cu Chulainn with flat stares as he raises his right leg and taps his left leg with his foot before stepping to the left while facing the potato patch, before repeating the leg motions again and walking in a circle with an outstretched hand, following a quick beat.

He stops when he sees Saber and Kazuma.

"…It's a harvest jig."

"Are you seriously dancing for potatoes? Just ask Shirou to buy some…Lord knows you're on better terms with him then I regarding food." Saber says.

"It's not the same as freshly grown! Besides, there's not much else to do here."

"It's a good thing there aren't people who could see. They might guess you're true name from that dance." Kazuma says.

"Not my fault I'm famous."

"….It is though?"

"You know what I meant!"

"It's still a very nice dance." Sakura's voice says from a nearby window, making the three freeze.

"…How long were you there Sakura?"

"The whole time…You didn't hear the sink going?" Sakura asks.

"Do you have any questions?" Saber asks.

"…Would it be possible for me to learn that dance? It looks fun…"

"Sure! Come on out and I'll teach you!" Cu says with a grin.

A minute later, Cu and Sakura are doing the harvest jig.

Kazuma joins in too. Saber looks flatly at Kazuma before dragging him away.

"What was that for?"

"You're just doing that to touch her."

"I am not!...well, not entirely. It does look fun."

"Leave one lady alone. I don't want to be here when you accidentally steal her panties."

"I would never!...Why don't you join us?"

"Why would I ever join a dance with a cretin like you?" Saber asks with fists on her hips.

"Since this is Cu's dance, there could be an inadvertent transfer of mana, making the potatoes grow faster and tastier."

"You really think I'm that desperate for food?"

"You think Shirou's breakfasts for you will get better?" Kazuma asks, and Saber opens her mouth to respond but only silence and a strained sound comes out.

A few minutes later Shirou and Rin arrive at the estate with Archer watching from afar, all of them stunned at the sight of Cu, Saber, Kazuma, and Sakura dancing merrily in front of the potato patch.

"…I didn't realize your finances were this bad Emiya…" Rin says.

"They aren't!"

"I am not surprised…I imagine Saber and Lancer consume a lot of food if left unchecked." Archer says.

"Surprisingly not. Lancer eats about as much as me, and I have been rationing Saber's meals." Shirou says.

"You're doing what to Saber?" Archer asks with an open mouth.

"Rationing. She doesn't deserve seconds and only half of a firsts."

'The Hell is this timeline?' Archer thinks with vacant eyes.

Taiga arrives a moment later and sees the four dancers.

She joins in and makes it five.

===

Kazuma remembers going to bed, but finds himself back at the temple, passing by a solemn looking man with long purple hair and an absurdly long sword on his back.

"What in the…?"

"Welcome, young man. I'm glad you were able to find your way here." A sweet voice says with an undertone that makes Kazuma shivers.

A moment later the hooded figure appears, holding an impossible jagged and colorful dagger.

 

[Davos]

Lancer and Saber hurry towards the temple, only stopping when a lone swordsman stands in their way, his long sword in a relaxed one handed grip.

"I did not expect two servants tonight. That young man is quite fortunate to be so beloved." The samurai says, making Saber spit to the side, eliciting a raised eyebrow from him.

"She's here to work out some annoyances. I'm here to save my master, now stand aside unless you wish to be impaled."

"As a saber servant and a warrior, I do not know the meaning of retreat. You face Kojiro Sasaki!" The swordsman says while raising his blade, waiting for them to attack.

They look at him quietly, Cu scratching the back of his head.

"…The blonde knight is Saber, isn't she?"

"For what it is worth, you don't look like a caster." Saber says, making the samurai spit to the side.

"I am assassin. Caster is further inside with that green clad young man."

"What is she doing with him?"

"By now, I am certain he is either dead or a puppet."

"No he isn't…it's faint, but there is still a connection. But I won't take my time with you…" Lancer says before crouching low, his spear glowing red, Saber looking at him wide eyed and Assassin readies his blade as Cu launches his attack.

"Gae Bolg!"

"Tsubame Gaeshi!" Assassin says as the red vector approaches him, vanishing before it could pierce him.

"What?!" Saber and Lancer say at the same time.

"That was a most curious swallow…"

"Swallow?" Cu asks.

"Apologies…I tend to get in mood to talk about swallows whenever I use that skill. I perfected it to kill vexing birds that would steal the rice from m bowl."

"…You're telling me, the cursed spear of my homeland, an attack that reverses causality, that I spent considerable time going through hellish training to master, was deflected by an attack you made to hunt birds?" Cu asks with a body wide shake.

"You seem exceptionally irate. Did you expect that attack to work every time against servants?" Kojiro asks, and Cu remains quiet, taking a water bottle from his back to begin drinking.

"Don't you think it improper to drink during a fight? Though I must say, I never expected the Child of Light to be partial to vodka."

"It's water…and he's yours Saber." Cu says before dashing forward, looking to side step Kojiro only to be pushed back.

"Surely you have another trick u your sleeve? Or do I scare you that much?"

Cu's eye twitches as he begins slashing and thrusting at the purple haired man.

===

"This is the worst vacation ever." Kazuma says as Medea raises her arm, making her stop.

"Vacation? You call the Holy Grail War a vacation?"

"I didn't plan to join this when I started my vacation…Now I'm going to die for it."

"…You won't die, I'm just cutting off your arm to steal those command seals for Saber."

"What is it with you people and cutting off limbs!? And I'm not blondie's Master!"

"You people?"

"You, the priest who cut off an arm, and that white haired brat who wanted to make me an immortal voodoo head doll!"

"…How have you lived this long?" Souichirou asks.

"Luck, and prior experience from an aimless adventure with a blue braggart and asinine group." Kazuma says, making Medea laugh.

"Oh, you are talking to the wrong person about aimless adventurers and dumb parties!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes."

"Did you wind up sleeping in a stable on your first night to a new city because you couldn't afford a room?"

"Did you ever sleep on a ship full of men as a maiden? The smell alone killed me!"

"You wanna talk about horrible smells? You ever been eaten by a hydra?"

"Have you?"

"Yes."

"Absurd, you're-"

"The braggart was a Goddess who can revive me." Kazuma says.

"…Was she the Goddess of water?" Medea asks, her blade lowering slightly.

"Yes! How did you know it was Aqua?!"

"How in the world did you convince that self centered thing to leave the Heavens?!"

"I didn't, I basically kidnapped her as revenge for mocking my death." Kazuma says and Medea freezes a moment before lowering her hood.

"Do tell."

"…Not that I want to be, but I thought you were going to stab me?"

"I will if you don't tell me how you made that cry baby suffer." Medea says with a smile.

"OH, the crying, don't get me started on that!"

"Ugh, I know…drop of a hat and a mop is sorely needed…then there's the drinking. Did you know she emptied my wedding day barrels by herself?"

"I didn't but I can see her doing that, or accidentally purifying them." Kazuma says.

"Worst part, I knew I shouldn't have invited her, but I was young and she was family, distant a relation as it was."

"You're related? How? You are way more composed and striking than her." Kazuma says, making Medea frown.

"Trying to sweet talk me? I'm happily with someone else." She says pointing to Souichirou.

"Not trying to, but after all that time with her, I can't imagine you're sisters even with the hair color."

"Don't get me started on the family tree…I think we're distant cousins? My father is Aeetes."

"Sorry, not that familiar with Greek figures…"

"You know Helios?"

"The sun?"

"He's my grandfather."

"Wait…You're part God? How?"

"You know nothing of Zeus do you?"

"Not much, but I'm willing to listen." Kazuma says and Medea pauses a moment. Then she smiles as she makes a table with three chairs, three glasses, and a bottle of wine appears.

===

Lancer deflects Kojiro's blade, only for him to riposte Lancer's counter thrust or slash, a feat that proves easy with his long blade. Even Saber joining the fight against Kojiro doesn't make him budge more than a step upwards, the extra elevation helping minimize their number advantage. Then he maneuvers them in such a way to crash into the other and down the stairs.

"Gah!"

"Damn it!"

"You two are most skilled…I can only attribute my success to the difference in our master's and my having the higher ground. Without both, I am certain I would be easily dealt with."

"Hah…You don't think we are done yet do you?" Cu says before lowering himself again, his spear glowing red again.

"Lancer, that won't work!" Saber says.

"It is as she says, Child of Light…but I won't stop you from trying." Kojiro says, his blade in both hands as Cu throws the weapon. Kojiro flinches but keeps his eye on the spear, ready to cut it…but instead it flies harmlessly up into the air, overshooting him.

"Wha-"

A twig snaps and when he looks down, he sees Cu Chulainn has already closed the distance and still low.

Until he springs up with a pivot, landing a kick into Kojiro's side, sending him flying off the path and into a tree.

Saber looks on in open mouthed shock as Kojiro coughs blood.

"You cheap shoting cad!" Kojiro yells from the wood works as Cu hurries up the stairs.

"You really think I was going to try the same attack twice on you?" Cu says with a smirk as an enraged Kojiro steps back onto a flat surface, brushing leaves and branch from his hair, stopping when Saber stands before him.

"…You think you can do better by yourself? Or that I would not side step you into pursuit?"

"I know you won't…because you are not Kojiro Sasaki!" Saber says, despite a minor inner turmoil at what she is going to do.

'I cannot believe I am burrowing one of that scumbag's strategies…' Saber thinks while suppressing a frown.

"What are you talking about Saber? Who else could I be?"

"You're obviously Musashi Miyamoto!" Saber shouts with gusto, making Kojiro's stare, first in shock, then in fury as he tightens the grip on his blade.

"I'm going to eviscerate you."

'I cannot fault your reaction…' Saber thinks before Kojiro attacks.

===

"Wow, that Jason guy sounds like a jerk…" Kazuma says before taking a sip.

"Indeed, and this…Megumin was it? Sounds quite vexing in her own right…though I cannot believe such a knight exists."

"She does…if it wasn't for Eris, I'm sure I would have given up a long time ago…"

"Eris is one of the few Gods I still pay respects to…a shame she is often bullied by Aqua." Medea says before emptying and refilling her glass.

"Yeah, but I think part of that is my fault…" Kazuma says.

"Nonsense…If anything I'm sure she appreciates the time away…even if it does burden her with more work." Medea says and Kazuma remains silent.

"What is it?"

"…Bit of a random thought, probably bought on by this drink and our talk, but how do you feel about an alliance?"

"You'd betray your compatriots for me? Not that I am in any place to criticize but-"

"No, I mean join us. I know that Samurai is a servant, and with you, that would bring five servants working together. I doubt even Heracles could beat that."

"Wait, Heracles is one of the servants here?" Medea asks with wide eyes.

"Yeah."

"Oh Gods…Which class is he? Rider, Saber?"

"Berserker."

"I suppose him not having his wits is a blessing…" Medea says with a side long look.

"I don't know about that…he managed to talk to Eris for a bit."

"…What? Is Eris a servant?"

"No, I called her for help and she helped through a rip in the fabric of reality."

"…You called on a Deity and she helped you?" Souichirou asks.

"Yeah."

"How?!" Medea and Souichirou ask at the same time.

"I yelled really loud…though I think that's more because she felt bad about my being dragged into this war during a vacation."

"…You truly lead an interesting life." Medea says with a smile before extending a hand.

"Does this mean you'll…?" Kazuma starts to ask but sways a bit from the wine.

"Yes, though I cannot promise what happens after Heracles, I will join forces with you and-" Before Medea can finish Souichirou stands up and envelopes her in an embrace.

"Gae Bolg!" Cu shouts and a streak of red shoots out, hitting it's mark, and making Medea and Souichirou fall to the ground, a pool of red quickly forming on the ground.

Kazuma looks on in pale, abject shock before turning to Cu.

Cu is smiling as he takes a knee.

"Finally, my Noble Phantasm wo-"

"You jackass!" Kazuma says while jamming a finger into Cu's head.

"The Hell?!"

"Things were going great and then you killed her!"

"Are you seriously unhappy about my Noble Phantasm finally working on a servant!?"

"On the one you didn't need to kill!" Kazuma says and Cu looks at him flatly before rubbing his head.

"…Oh my God, you're enthralled by her."

"What?"

"You see one beautiful older woman and are willing to risk everything for her? She was obviously into that other guy why would you even- oh my God…" Cu says before paling at a realization.

"You're an ntr bastard!"

"I am not! We bonded after out mutual dislike of a Goddess and-" The bodies on the ground moving up to a sitting position silences him. Looking over he sees a crying Medea cupping Souichirou's lifeless face.

"SOUICHIROU!"

 

[Davos]

"Please, no, not like this!" Medea says while shaking Souichirou before raising a hand but stopping.

"He's already…"

"But why aren't you-" Cu's question is cut off when he has to dodge a magical missile going for his head.

His shock is palpable when Medea stands up, clearly unharmed, and after gently placing her dead master on the ground, she takes to the air. A dozen eye shaped sigils appear behind her like malevolent wings before glowing, an impending barrage incoming.

"So much for the alliance…" Kazuma mutters.

"Alliance?"

"I'll tell you later, we got to go!"

"I'm sure I can haaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddddd-"

Cu appears to be in a bubble and moving very slowly.

Kazuma looks up at Medea, flinching under her deadened gaze.

"…I know you didn't mean to cause this Kazuma, but I will not forgive that…blue thing." She says with a sad smile.

Cu slowly starts to scowl before glancing to the side in equally slow shock.

"As annoyed as I am with him, I knew he didn't mean any harm." Kazuma says and Medea's gaze refocuses onto Kazuma.

"…What are you saying?"

"I'm not letting you kill him. He pulled me out of the fire and is a decent guy…even if the last few minutes don't show that."

"…I can appreciate shows of loyalty, but do you really think you can stop-GAH!?" An arrow of extreme force nearly hitting her distracts Medea enough to break the bubble on Cu. Archer steps closer with a scowl.

'I cannot believe I am saving him in this time line…there is something fundamentally wrong with this scenario…' Archer thinks before they leave the temple.

"How did you get past the purple guy?"

"He never paid me any mind….he is oddly focused on Saber." Archer says, gesturing to the sound of steel against steel. Archer gives a whistle and the sound continues a bit more before Saber accompanies them down the path, stray shots of magic chasing after them.

A few minutes later they are further into town and take a moment for Kazuma to catch his breath. Rin and Saber arrive during that time.

"What happened up there?" Rin asks, making Kazuma frown and Cu look to the side.

"Originally, Caster was going to cut my arm off for my seals but then we started talking and almost formed an alliance between our groups, when he arrived and killed her master."

"I was aiming for her! I still don't know how she is unscathed…"

"Maybe true love from her master shielded her from your Gae Bolg~?" Archer asks with crossed arms, one eye closed, and the snarkiest smirk.

"Don't be absurd Red."

"…He actually might be right." Rin says.

"What?" Everyone present asks.

"I only somewhat recall it from my studies, but I have heard of a conceptual shield like that being capable of deflecting powerful curses, though usually at the cost of one of their lives…To be honest I thought it was ne of those cases where folk tale seeped into mage craft or so forgotten that it was little more than a story but…" Rin trails off and Cu Chulainn is silent with an open mouth for a minute.

"I was joking, but for true love to stop his spear is…Gahaha!" Archer starts to shake, a genuine smile on his face.

"…You're telling me that my cursed spear, that I went through hellish training for from an immortal devil of a teacher for, that rewrites the laws of this world, was stopped, not by luck, not by a shield dedicated to countering it, or constitution but by…love? And a love born from a week?!" Cu asks, further making Archer cackle.

"More like three days if that couple I saw was them." Kazuma says, further deflating Cu.

"You're also forgetting bird hunting techniques." Saber says.

"You want to test your luck again!?"

"Wait, the Samurai cut your Noble Phantasm?" Kazuma asks and Cu remains quiet. Archer bites back a laugh as they all head back to a sleepless night.

Except Cu who opens a small sake bottle while watching the moon.

===

Not long after their escape, Medea stares at Kojiro.

"How did Lancer get past you?"

"He…kicked me into the forest after distracting me." Kojiro says, the hairs on his neck standing up.

'She was never pleasant but this is more intense than before…' Kojiro thinks as Medea starts chuckling lowly.

"So why didn't you pick yourself back up and stopped him?"

"Saber…called me Musashi after I told her my name, and I lost my composure and I, blinded in my rage was-" The glow of a command seal on Medea's hand stops Kojiro.

"So because she taunted you, let not one, but two servants bypass you?"

"There was a second?" Kojiro asks, instantly regretting the question when he sees Medea's eye twitch and smile.

"…Any other assassin could have done better than you. But I know how to fix that thin skin of yours~." Medea says before issuing her command.

Kojiro pales.

"T-that is insane!" He says as he slowly turns his blade onto himself, bringing it closer to his face.

"You'll live~."

===

As Cu takes another swig, Taiga sits down next to him.

"You know, burdens and drink are both better shared."

"Probably, but I can't really share this…" Cu says.

"You like it that much?"

"I meant the burden. The drink is watery."

"Then you'll probably like this better." Taiga says before placing a bottle of whiskey and a glass in his hand.

"…On one hand I appreciate this…on the other I have to ask you to not tell anyone this."

"Why?" Taiga asks while pouring out shots.

"The lad suspects me of being a drunk because of my hair color for some reason…"

"You're not a drunk…no drunk moves like you did during that spar session…speaking of which…" Taiga says before standing up and downing her shot to go back inside a moment. Cu looks over while sipping. Then he smiles when Taiga comes out with two bamboo poles.

"You really want that rematch huh? Do you even know how to use a pole arm?"

"I have some experience from years ago. Lot of the basics translate into each other, or do you quake in fear of losing your narrowly won victory~?"

"Hardly~." He says and they do a test match.

Taiga loses horribly but is enjoying the match.

Kazuma looks on in flat jealousy from inside the building.

'…Figures he gets the babe to nurse his ego and play with him. Better leave before they opt for a more private match…such bull.' Kazuma thinks before going down the hall.

"I know you're there." Cu says and Kazuma freezes.

"Sharp as ever L- I mean Cu…" Archer says in a flat tone, his stare even.

Until Taiga tosses him a bamboo staff.

"You're turn!"

"What?"

"If you're staying here you need to-"

"I'm just visiting; I'll be gone in a few minutes." He says before placing the staff against the door.

"…I'm keeping an eye on you. Don't want you corrupting Shirou." Taiga says, leaving Archer quietly flabbergasted. They both wait until she leaves to speak again. Cu materializes his spear while glaring at Archer.

"…How the Hell do you have Caladbolg?"

 

[Davos]

"I do not know Lancer. Amnesia, remember?"

"You're really going to tote that lie after using Fergus' weapon? To me of all people?" Cu asks, knuckles cracking as he tightens the grip on his spear.

"…Maybe I'm actually Fergus in his youth? Or maybe I'm him from an alternate-" Archer's line is cut off when he is forced to materialize two blades to stop Lancer's swing for his head.
After a short exchange of blows, disarms, and counter blows, they step back, circling the other.

"You have a funny idea on how to treat others in an alliance."

"I'm just trying to figure out who you are. Tell me your name and you have weapons from three different countries and I'll gladly apologize."

'Can't exactly do that now…would hinder my plans of killing my younger self.' Archer thinks in silence. Cu scowls and throws his glowing spear. Archer raises his arm, making Rho Aias appear.

Then he sees the spear flying harmlessly over head.

"What in the-"

He catches a blur blue in his lower side vision.

The next moment he feels a sledge hammer of a kick propelling him through the air, ending with him crashing through the shed doors, causing pipes to clank to the ground.

"…Déjà vu…Didn't think that would happen again." He mutters before quickly getting up, lingering for a moment in this shed and recalling that night.

'Not like she'll come to save me this time.' He thinks before stepping out. To his surprise he sees the other Masters, Saber…and Taiga.

"What the Hell are you doing?" Kazuma asks.

"This bastard used uh…" Cu starts but stops when he sees Taiga.

"I've heard worse, continue…though I'm surprised you're an angry drunk."

"…He's been drinking?" Kazuma asks and Taiga blanches.

"Next it'll be gambling…" Kazuma mutters.

"I needed a drink after this week."

"Three days." Saber says, getting an eye twitch from Cu before he makes his spear vanish in exasperation.

"How did you do that?!" Taiga asks and now everyone pales. Shirou sighs.

"…I…Guess we can't hide it any longer….You see Taiga-"

"He's a magician!" Kazuma says quickly, making everyone look at him with flat or shocked expressions.

Except Taiga, who gasps and smiles with child like joy.

"Can you do a trick now!?" She asks.

Cu after a moment pulls out a small rock with runic writing and it flies through the air. Taiga follows it with a smile, quickly going out of earshot.

"How did you know I could use runes Kazuma?"

"I didn't. I thought you would say 'A magician never reveals his tricks' and end this conversation. I didn't think you actually know magic…that could have been helpful."

"My ability to use runes is massively limited in this form and-"

"Oh my God!" Taiga shouts from inside the building, prompting everyone to rush inside.

They see Taiga holding an open wooden box the rune found. Taiga looks inside with wide eyes, frozen in place until she notices them.

"Sorry…Apparently Kiritsugu was careless with where he left this."

"What did he leave? I've never seen that box before." Shirou asks.

"Wait…D-did you say Kiritsugu?" Saber asks as Taiga shows the contents of the box. Inside is a large revolver looking side arm but with only one chamber for a bullet.

Saber looks at it with abject horror before looking at Shirou.

"Shirou…"

"Y-yes Saber?"

"Is Kiritsugu…your father?"

"Yes, why does that-"

"Oh God it's happening again…" Saber says before listlessly going back to her room.

"…What's happening again?" Kazuma asks.

No one can answer him.

Taiga takes the gun back to her place and everyone goes to a restless sleep.

===

The next morning after breakfast, Saber locks herself in the dojo. The adequate breakfast did not help her glazed over look from last night. At the moment Shirou, Kazuma, and Rin are standing by the front gate discussing a plan as Cu and Sakura do a harvest jig to the potato patch.

"No." Kazuma says.

"If you nearly convinced Caster to join us, I'm sure you can convince Shinji! I'm sure you two have a lot in common!" Rin says.

"I don't appreciate the implications in that sentence and I haven't even met this Shinji."

"It'll just be a few minute talk at the school during lunch. Shirou and I took care of the sigils, It'll be fine!" Rin says with a smile.

"Can't we do this at a café or something elsewhere?"

"Are you against going to school? I can lend you one of my spare uniforms so you don't stick out." Shirou asks.

"…I'd rather not, and I doubt there is anything you can say that will-"

"Sakura will be there." Rin says and Kazuma goes back to the building to change.

Shirou looks at Rin.

"I'll shoot him if he tries anything with her." Rin says.

"…Not exactly the most reassuring thing to hear…It's almost as bad as his interest in Sakura…or you offering her up to him."

"I'm not offering her up to him, I'm using her as bait…That…sounded much worse than it did in my head…"

"…With allies like this…" Shirou mutters getting a flat look from Rin.

===

"Is something the matter?" Shinji Matou asks with a hand brushing back his hair. Rider stands nearby, slightly slouched, her eyes covered with a mask in an outfit that seems more fitting for private rooms and certain establishments than fighting to the death.

The fact such a smarmy guy got her as a servant annoys Kazuma as much as the smarmy guy.

"I've only known you for five minutes and I'm utterly annoyed by you." Kazuma says, making Shinji look at him in shock.

'Huh, he does have sense.' Rin thinks.

"How dare you! I thought this was supposed to be negotiation! But all I see is a rambling mutt who cannot even use magic!"

"I can use magic from another world. I heard you need a book to even be a master."

"T-that is not the point here! Besides, what can that magic from a supposed another world even do?" Shinji asks, before going on a monologue of thinly veiled insults towards Kazuma. Shirou whispers to Kazuma.

"I doubt you forgot, but you realize we are trying to not make an enemy here right?"

"I'm sure I can get him on our side, but do you really want this scumbag on our side?"

"I did say you two have a lot in common~." Rin whispers from Kazuma's other side.

"…Then I have leeway to make that happen?"

"…What exactly are you planning?"

"I'm just going to tell him the truth~." Kazuma says before clearing his throat.

"This magic can do a great many things, and due to it's origins can bypass magical resistance of every being in this world."

"That would be quite the claim, but how do I know you're not just making this up?"

"One of those spells is called 'steal' and-"

"Oh no…" Rin mutters.

"With enough practice and a bit of luck, you can take anything from someone, including their underwear!"

"…Kinda bought this one on yourself Rin." Shirou says, further annoying Rin.

"Absurd!"

"I've already taken three women's panties…I'll give you a chance to guess one of those three~." Kazuma asks and Shinji sputters a moment when he sees Rin scowl and blush.

"Oh my God…" Shinji says, making Rider look at him.

"Master please tell me you're not-"

"I'll gladly join you and swear my loyalty!"

Shirou and Rider cup their heads.

Rin is a blushing, open mouthed and scowling with clenched fists.

Kazuma smiles at her distraught.

"Do you really think will end well for you?" Rin asks.

"Big talk from someone offering an innocent person as bait earlier and promising to shoot me if I tried anything...I have wonderful hearing." Kazuma says, shocking Rin.

"Please teach me this spell now!"

Kazuma pales.

"I uh…can't…" He says and Shinji's smile falls to crestfallen disdain.

"You promise me the world and pull it back just like that…You are truly contemptible."

"It's not like I have any control over it and-"

"Rider, activate your Noble Phantasm and liquefy them! Except Rin~." Shinji says, getting a groan from Rin as Rider does a quick chant, the sky quickly becoming blood red, followed by the collapse of a hundred odd students and various coughs are heard. Shirou and Rin slouch a moment before righting themselves. Kazuma is oddly unaffected as he looks at Rin.

"Took care of the sigils you said, it'll be fine you said, Sakura will be here you said…None of that was true! This is why I don't go to school anymore!"

 

[Davos]

"Not the time, we need to stop-" The sound of a window smashing open stops Rin. Looking over they see Shinji and Rider outside and heading towards the roof.

"Considering we are going to die, I think this is the time!" Kazuma says.

"We won't die! We can summon our servants with a command seal and-" Rin says.

"Why do you even care if I am interested in Sakura? Are you actually jealous~?"

"Of all the- No you dunce! I just don't want you going after my sister!" Rin shouts before blanching and cupping her head.

"She's your sister?!" Kazuma and Shirou ask at the same time.

"This is not the- What in the…?" Rin freezes at the sight down the hall. Turning around Shirou and Kazuma see a skeleton with a blade…then a few dozen more.

Rin summons archer.

Shirou Kazuma promptly summon their servants too, who begin attacking the skeletons…Except for Lancer.

"I don't know, you sure you don't want to form an alliance with them?" Cu asks with a grin.

Kazuma raises his hand, silently threatening another command seal, and making Cu go and clear a hallway.

Kazuma looks at Rin flatly as they ascend towards the roof.

"…What drivel are you thinking?"

"And I thought Shinji was contemptible, but offering up your sister?"

"I would have killed you if you made a move on her you pervert."

"I'm not a pervert! I'm a healthy young man with a healthy interest in women!"

"…Are you seriously saying that to me now? Besides, the ploy got your shut in ass out here didn't it?" Rin asks with a grin.

"I am not a shut in! I died outside multiple times!" Kazuma says as they open the door to the roof and collectively blanch at the sight before them.

Shinji flat on his ass, looking in horror and panic as Rider is stabbed by Medea's jagged blade, the book in his hand now nothing but ashes on the ground.

"What just happened?"

"I used my Noble Phantasm, Rule Breaker, to make your servant my own and- Huh?" Medea staggers back a step when Rider hugs her.

"What are you doing?"

"Showing my appreciation to a benevolent master…" Rider says with a smile.

"…But I haven't done anything but stab you."

"It's better than what he has done…before we go, can I kill him?" Rider asks, making Medea blink under her hood.

"Uh…Sure? May I ask why?"

"Yeah, Rider, why!?" Shinji asks with undue guts before seeing Rider turn to him while cracking her knuckles and taking off her blindfold, her eyes smile of anticipation sending shivers through Shinji.

"You convinced my original Master, Sakura, to give her seals to you, sexually assault her nearly every day on top of verbal abuse, is a contemptible young man who has leered at me every possible chance, and if I were to be wholly honest…your face is begging to kicked in and thrown off this roof."

"We should watch and let things play-" Rin starts to say before Kazuma slams the door open.

"He's done what to Sakura?!" Kazuma yells out while walking out onto the roof.

"It would be swifter to list what he hasn't done." Rider says, about to continue until she sees Kazuma start kicking Shinji. After a moment of shock she joins in, kicking her former master on the other side, leaving Medea, Rin, and Shirou to watch in shock; Rin walks out and joins them in kicking Shinji as well, surprising Kazuma and Rider.

"He's leered at me too…Also can you turn this field off?" Rin says while still kicking him.

"I already lessened so it won't harm anyone but will leave them unconscious…giving us extra time~." Rider says with a smile before resuming to kick the whimpering Shinji.

'…I'm surprised I'm not the villain here.' Medea thinks.

'Can't save him…' Shirou thinks, before seeing them all speak to each other in a whisper. Then Kazuma and Rider heft Shinji up and throw him off the roof like a javelin, and Rin tags him with a gander shot.

They all look to the sky with smiles on their face as Shinji disappears from view.

"…Are you sure you don't want to join forces?" Medea asks.

"I'm not giving up Cu."

"…The offer still stands when he dies from other means. I doubt the twin tailed girl will be as steadfast an ally as me~." Medea says before taking to the air with Rider.

"How dare- Ugh!" Rin says while clutching her head. Then she hurries down the stairs.

"Kazuma, call off Cu! He's attacking Archer again!"

===

Saber watches the two servants attack each other when the three masters enter the area.

"Cu, what the Hell?"

"He has Caladbolg; that is Fergus' weapon! This guy is beyond suspicious!"

"He's just a weeb for European stuff."

"I am not!"

"Give me one reason not to skewer you here and now!"

"This is not the time! Did you forget Heracles exists?!" Rin shouts.

"Plus there is the whole matter now with Rider being one Caster's servants." Shirou says making Archer look wide eyed at him.

'What?! How the Hell did that happen?!' Archer thinks in abject shock before looking over at Kazuma.

"You got something to say?"

"I know Rider's identity." Archer says, shocking everyone.

"How do you possibly know that? Or are you going to say amnesia again?" Cu asks.

"Selective amnesia~." Archer says, eliciting a stab from Cu.

Rin looks at Kazuma.

"I'm not wasting a seal on this. From what I know, generalized commands don't really work. " Kazuma says, getting a laugh from archer and a glare from Rin.

"Why are you-" Kazuma stops when Rin points to the ceiling and blows out a chunk of the material before training her hand on his head.

"…Is this how you treat an ally? What have I done to deserve this?"

"Are you seriously asking me that right now?"

"Other than the accidental stealing of your plain underwear!"

After resisting a murderous urge, Rin gestures to Cu still trying to kill archer.

"…Maybe they'll become best friends after fighting it out?"

"Never!"

"Not in a hundred lifetimes!"

"Wait a minute…can't you just use a command seal to make Archer tell us the truth? Or are you going to continue holding that information to yourself to give you an advantage?" Kazuma asks.

"…Much as I dislike agreeing with him, he has a point Tohsaka." Shirou says.

"It's only an advantage if I know who he is…as for using a seal to do that, I can't." Rin says, holding up her hand to show only one seal.

"What did you use the first one on?" Kazuma asks, making Archer laugh again as he parries Cu's spear.

"…A general order to make Archer obey me…"

"How's that working out for you?" Kazuma asks with crossed arms and a smug grin despite the magical finger gun jamming into his head.

Shirou looks at the scene of two servants fighting, two masters glaring at each other, and Saber watching listlessly, and feeling himself become vacant eyed.

'…With allies like these…'

===

Eventually the makeshift group returns home, Cu eventually realizing he cannot get through Archer's defenses, and Archer being unable to best Cu.

Taiga naturally challenges Rin and Archer to a duel before they can stay there.

They both won, and Taiga is nearly in tears at the more crowded dinner table.

"…Don't you think it's cheating to use magic in your limbs to win a mock sword fight?" Shirou asks Rin in a whisper.

"Between Caster matching our numbers, Heracles being a problem, and whatever Kirei has in the church, I didn't think us staying separated would be a good idea…"

"Indeed…it as I predicted." Kazuma says while fanning himself with a white fan.

"…Predicted what? And why are we having Chinese style meat buns tonight?" Sakura asks.

"Because we have entered the 'Three Kingdoms' Period of the war." Kazuma says while looking squarely at an annoyed Archer, a vein on his head threatening to rupture.

Shirou and Rin look on in growing exasperation.

Sakura and Taiga are still confused.

Saber eats her fourth meat bun.

"That is hardly the proper line for this situation." Archer says with a clenched fist at his side.

"Much as I hate agreeing with this ugly bastard-"

"Why you-"

"He's right…because…~" Cu says with a grin before pulling out his own fan, making Archer groan.

"The enemy is at Fuyuki Church!"

"That's just plain wrong!"

"I would rather wrong others than allow them to wrong me!" Cu and Kazuma say at the same time.

"I am the-" Archer takes a deep breath and stops himself.



===

Rider and Medea arrive at the temple, and Rider pales before readying her weapon at the sight near the gate.

"Relax Rider…he is not a threat."

"How can you say that Master?" Rider asks before the figure opens its mouth, a croaking sound escaping its scarred throat.

"Kill me…it burns…."

 

[Davos]

The next morning, Taiga and Sakura left for their respective homes to handle matters, leaving the trio of master and servants to discuss their options.

"…I think we should approach Illya." Rin suggests.

"No." Kazuma promptly says.

"I'm not a fan of this option either but-"

"But nothing, you saw how badass her servant was, she has no reason to join forces with us!" Kazuma says.

"She will, if she thinks what Kirei has in the church is a threat, which is where you come in!"

"You expect me to negotiate again after how horribly the one with Shinji went? And I suspect despite her shortness and murderous urges, she is much smarter than she appears."

"He has a point master. I doubt Illya will see much point in joining forces when she can merely force her way." Archer says.

"So you can't flub the truth for your own gain again?"

"I don't lie! And I think she'll buy it! She reminds me a bit of a mad mage I knew, who despite her quirks is rather intelligent."

"You got a better plan to deal with Caster with her reserve of mana on a ley line then?" Rin asks.

Kazuma remains silent.

Shirou stands up after eating and heads for the door. Saber follows him.

"I'm heading to Taiga's, I'll be safe. I doubt anything will be accomplished today between their bickering and general uncertainty."

"I will not-"

"I will use a command seal if need be." Shirou says, cutting off Saber.

"What makes you so sure Taiga's place is safe?" Cu asks.

"…There's usually a lot of people there. I doubt Caster will attack that in broad day light."

"A dozen family members is not exactly enough for safety." Saber says.

"It's more like a hundred people."

"Why does she have a hundred people?"

"They…work for her family." Shirou says before leaving. Archer glances at him with a raised brow.

'Odd….usually he would stay and join the strategy meeting or go for training…then again this whole time line is messed up.' Archer thinks before glancing at Kazuma, who meets his gaze.

Shirou returns later that night with two suitcases.

"Will you give it a rest? I'm not going!" Kazuma says.

"…I'll join you and Sakura for an outing the next day." Rin says and Kazuma agrees after setting terms for no magic and murder, making Shirou grimace.

===

The next day they wake up early to begin the long trek to the Einzbern castle, eating a simple breakfast of cold leftovers and wait by the gate for Shirou.

"Sorry, this took a little longer than I expected to get on." Shirou says as he approaches the gate.

"About time, what was taking you so-ooo…" Rin trails off when she sees Shirou approach in a black suit and trench coat, a suit case in hand.

"That's…fine…" She says, still looking at Shirou with wide eyes.

"You're drooling." Kazuma whispers, making Rin blush and dab at her mouth with a handkerchief. When there is nothing on it, she glares at Kazuma.

He grins before chancing on Saber's face.

She is pale, open mouthed, and croaking slightly.

"…You ok Saber?" Cu asks.

Saber does not respond, instead merely looking more vacant eyed, muttering 'it's happening again…'.

Even Archer is shocked.

Eventually Rin recovers as they near the castle.

"…Einzbern castle has a defense system that won't let anyone near it, making them get turned around and leave the forest if they approach. I had planned some measure to bypass it but…"

"Illya wants us to approach."

"I think she wants to take us out in one swoop." Cu says, getting begrudging agreements from everyone as they approach the castle gate.

They open of their own accord with a magestic creak and no one nearby.

Kazuma turns around, getting three pairs of hands on him to prevent his escape.

Cu's, Rin's, and Shirou's.

"…Do none of you see how bad a castle gate opening on it own is? That is literally the start of a horror movie!"

"We're already here. May as well see what's inside." Cu says as he drags Kazuma to the inside of the castle. After a few slow steps inside, a wave mana swarms them.

===

Rin looks around, pointing her hand in a circle, ready to shoot the first thing she sees, almost leading to her shooting Saber.

"What the…?" Rin asks before lowering her arm.

"…I think Illya used that magic to separate us."

"Great...divide and conquer…" Rin says before looking at the long ornate table.

"Hopefully they aren't too far…" Saber says before leading Rin out of the room.

"…You seem to know where you are going?"

"That…is a story for another time…" Saber says.

===

Archer's eye twitches when he sees he is alone with Shirou in a random hallway.

'In most other circumstances this would be ideal…' He thinks before sighing and going down a hallway before sidestepping a dive bombing bird of wire. He cuts it down with his short sword and turns his gaze down the hall, seeing three more. Then one turns into a swrod and plunges straight for Shirou at a blazing speed. Archer slashes it with relative ease.

'Well, can't let him die yet…' Archer thinks with a grimace before the birds fly off, knowing they cannot best a servant.

===

Kazuma and Cu wind u in the garden, Kazuma pale faced, Cu grimacing at the sight before them.

Illya sitting in a chair humming happily with a maid at each side, one of those maids holding a halberd, and Heracles behind her, staring Kazuma and Cu Chulainn down, just waiting for an order.

"I must say, I thought you would have run away long before coming to my castle, you worm~."

"I thought this party would have more sense…but desperate times…I suspect I know your answer, but how do you feel about joining forces?" Kazuma asks and Illya stares at him a moment before giggling.

"You are very amusing…Maybe I should keep you as a pet jester?" Illya asks while resting her face against her hand while leaning to the right with the smuggest of grins. A moment later it falters.

"Wait, are you serious?"

"In my defense, it wasn't my idea…"

"That makes sense…but why would I ever join forces with anyone? Berserker is unbeatable! And even if he wasn't…You would be the literal last option. I doubt you would even suffice as cannon fodder." Illya says with a squinty eyed smirk, making Kazuma clench a fist.

"No servant is unbeatable missy! Most heroes have a tragic ending!" Cu says.

"True…but I doubt any are as tragic as your circumstances right now, Hound. I'm not even sure you could harm Heracles even if you had a proper master~." Illya says, making Cu frown.

"I did not come here to be abused by an albino loli!" Kazuma shouts.

"I am not a loli! I'm 18!" Illya shouts back while standing with balled fists.

"Talk about stunted as Hell!" Kazuma shouts, making Illya gasp.

"How dare you! I am not-"

"If you were even half as intelligent as you make yourself out to be, maybe you would ask about why we approached you! Do you know about Caster being on top of a ley line with two servants of her own?; Or that the priest has something in the church that made Cu here have a bad feeling?" Kazuma says.

"I knew about Caster, but the priest is new info…"

"Maybe you'll learn more if you stop trying to compensate with your low stature by wearing risqué as hell underwear! I mean seriously! Do you have any idea how disappointing it was to find out you were wearing that?! I had to set it on fire to cleanse my soul!" Kazuma yells, making Illya pale as one of the maids glares at her master.

"What was she wearing?" The servant with squinted eyes asks, making Kazuma confused a moment before he grins.

"Y-you made your point…How about me and Berserker go to the church with you and your group to ascertain and kill this-"

"A thin piece of black material on strings…it can barely be called-"

"You bastard…! Berserker, go and-"

"Illyasviel Von Einzbern! Were you raiding my underwear drawer again!? How did you get past the lock?! It should be magic proof!" The maid asks, making Illya flinch.

"She couldn't, it was one of mine…and one of my favorites too." The other maid says in a slight monotone.

"I'll gladly replace it for you." Kazuma says with a spark in his eye, making Leysritt blush.

"Oh my God…" Cu mutters with a hand at his head

"Leysritt, why did you allow that to happen?!" Sella asks with a hand at her head.

"I didn't, it was an order." Leysritt says.

"Please don't say anything else Leysritt…" Illya says as the other maid grips Illya's shoulder.

"…Sella?"

"30 page treatise on the 'Angel's Poem'. "

"But I already mastered it!" Illya whines.

"You want to make it 50?!"

"…Do I still get-"

"And no dessert." Sella says, making Illya groan with a tear in her eye.

Kazuma nearly collapses from laughter.

'Not at all how I expected this to go…' Cu thinks with a flat stare.

"Can I get dessert if I kill them?"

"Maybe, but that would include the others in the-Illya!" Sella shouts when Cu appears closer, grimacing with his spear trained on Illya.

Only for Leysritt to deflect his spear with the halberd.

"Out of the way!" Cu says, quickly pivoting to kick the maid away, only to have his leg grabbed by Leysritt, stopping and holding him in place.

Before pivoting herself, bringing Cu up over her shoulder and smashing him face first onto the ground, before repeating the maneuver a few more times to Cu's utter shock and pain, making Illya laugh as he is then thrown back across the garden, past Kazuma, and into a pillar.

"What…the Hell?" Cu and Kazuma both ask at the same time.

"Leysritt has strength comparable to a B rank servant." Sella states.

"Cu…"

"B-" Cu moans from the ground.

"The difference isn't that much is it?!"

"Behold, the power of the element of surprise. No one expects the maid to kick ass." Leysritt says in monotone pride.

"How are you still alive?!" Illya asks in between raucous laughter, tears forming at her eyes.

'Starting to wonder that myself…' Kazuma thinks before the ground shakes.

Looking up he sees Heracles approach, his gaze trained skyward.

"I'm surprised you are here young man." Medea says from the roof with Rider by her side.

"How did you get past the security measure?!" Illya and Sella ask at the same time.

"I practice magic from the age of the Gods. I barely noticed your so called 'defenses'~." Medea says, prompting Heracles to jump and raise his blade. Rider removes her mask and in an instant, Heracles turns to stone, falling backwards and crashing to the ground, shattering in multiple places.

"Wha- Medusa?!" Illya shouts in befuddlement as Rider puts her blindfold back on.

"Wait…the famous one?!" Kazuma asks.

"Indeed, and at nearly her full power too." Medea says.

"…I feel that I can get along with her."

"Why am I not surprised?" Cu mutters as he gets up from the ground.

 

[Davos]

Berserker's fractured body is drawn onto itself, forming one piece again and he roars upon his revival.

"Not even that stops him…" Kazuma mutters as Heracles stands up, a chain looping around his neck as a barrage of blasts send him stepping back. As he swings his blade to deflect a new strong of blasts, Rider lands on his shoulder and stabs him in the neck tearing his windpipe out in a single motion before jumping away, leaving the giant to slump onto his knees.

Illya pales when she looks up before Leysritt and Sella take her out of the expected blast radius. When Berserker revives, he is met with an intense singular blast, evaporating his head.

As his head regenerates, Medea lands next to Kazuma, keeping an eye on Cu.

"How many times has your group killed Heracles?"

"One…"

"Each, so three times?"

"No, we only killed him once between the three of us."

"…Was the Gae Bolg unable to kill him?" Medea asks with a scowl, making Cu grimace.

Then an arrow hits Berserker, barely nudging him back as he stands once more.

"Since my true name is known, shall I use my N-"

Medusa is interrupted by another salvo in the floor above, making Heracles stagger back another step.

In the floor above, Archer holds his bow while looking at Shirou in shock.

Shirou is holding a rocket launcher.

"I figured there was no such thing as overkill when it comes to servants." Shirou says before dropping the spent weapon, and Archer still remains quiet.

'What the Hell is wrong with this time line?' Archer thinks as Saber kicks open a door and enters the room.

Medea looks at Saber and nearly falls backwards.

"Are you ok master?" Medusa asks.

"More than ok…she's beautiful~." Medea asks, already estimating her size for a dress.

"I…see…" Rider says.

Cu remains silent.

Kazuma grins.

"If we survive this, I'll introduce you to her…she likes being called Elizabeth~." Kazuma says, making Cu look at him.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful lady…" Medea says, making Cu and Rider stare at them flatly. A purple shadow appears overhead, going straight for Saber with precise, pained steps.

Saber locks blades with him, horror hitting her once again as she looks upon the mouthed and screaming Kojiro, his hair a mess, his skin flayed off every observable part of his body, his teeth sharpened into fangs, the attempt utterly inept given the cuts on the inside of his mouth.

"Lancelot…? How are you- Oh God it's happening again…" She says, deflecting Kojiro's mad blows in a haste.

"Kill….me…"

"By my command seal, stop fighting Saber and use your Noble Phantasm on Berserker!" Medea shouts, making Kojiro shudder before turning to the revived Heracles, striking at the giant, making him bleed but not die.

Shirou throws a bag from the suit case, a string pulling the pins on three dozen grenades, the majority landing near Berserker and Assassin, but some near Medea and Rin.

"You mad man!" Archer says as he heads down and uses Rho Aias in front of Rin; Medea brings up a shield around herself, Medusa, and Kazuma. She purposefully leaves Cu outside of it.

Kazuma sees the grenades and takes off his jacket, covering his head much to the other's surprise.

Saber jumps and glares at Shirou

"What in the Hell do you think you are doing?! Rin and the bastard are still down-"

A deafening bang and blinding light fills the floor below them, making Berserker shout in pain along with most everyone down there. Rho Aias and Medea's shielding did not stop the light and noise, affecting them too.

"Where in the world did you get- Wait…you're his son of course you would-"

"By my command seal, use your Noble Phantasm Saber." Shirou orders, and Saber raises her blade above her head with a twitchy movement, trying to resist the order, one thought in her head as she stares at crowd below.

'It's happening again…!'

"Ex-"

"By My command seal, use your noble phantasm on Saber!" Kazuma says, and Cu, despite being blinded and deaf, uses Gae Bolg and hits Saber, making her cough blood and falter a moment, long enough for Archer to get Rin out of the blast zone and for Kazuma and Cu to take a still blinded and deaf Medea and Medusa.

"-Calibur!" Saber says, her Noble Phantasm squarely hitting Kojiro and Heracles, killing them both in the light before falling to her knee. A minute later, Saber rises weakly to her feet using her sword as an aide, and Archer jumps onto the floor near them, both staring at Shirou with squinted eyes.

"What? It's a war and you were all lined up perfectly. And it was still a chance to take an additional life from Heracles." Shirou says matter of fact,

"You are just like your damned father…!"

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Take it however you wish. You will not be leaving here alive young man." Medea says.

"Should you really be focusing on me when Berserker is here?"

"We have a moment before he revives…enough time to kill you and cover our rear should you try to launch another attack with your last seal."

"You don't have to worry about that." Shirou says before raising his hand.

"I order you to kill yourself Saber."

"What?!" Saber and Medea say at the same before Saber turn her blade onto herself.

"NO!" Archer yells, raising a hand towards Saber as she stabs herself and falls to the ground.

"I'm going to skin you alive!" He shouts at Shirou while grinding his teeth, summon his short swords and throwing them at Shirou with everything he has, ready to close the distance and-

Shirou mutters a word and vanishes, letting the twin blades bounce harmlessly off the wall.

Medea takes out her dagger and stabs Saber.

"What the Hell Caster?!"

"I'm trying to save her! By my command seal, heal your wounds Saber!" Caster says and the blood flow does slow somewhat until Saber coughs, quickening the pace again.

"…The wounds must be too severe…And I had the perfect plan for Elizabeth too!" Medea says, making Saber groan in annoyance as Cu and Kazuma appear along with Rin.

"It's happening again…but this time I'm Diarmuid…!" Saber says with vacant eyes, making Cu look at her in sheer befuddlement.

Kazuma walks closer and extends a hand.

"Heal." He casts and Saber's wounds begin to close, but Saber remains unable to get up.

"Might be best to leave…negotiations are a bust and I doubt we have much more to throw at-" Kazuma starts to say before the last remaining set of doors undamaged from the fighting open, and a golden haired man enters with smugly grinning and scarred Shinji.

"How are you alive?!" Medusa shouts.

 

[Davos]

"She'll make a fine first casualty, Archer~." Shinji says, smiling a moment longer until the blonde man's silence makes him speak again.

"I said-"

"I heard you the first time mongrel. I was simply being polite in letting you believe you had any semblance of control over me. I will kill at my own command, not yours, regardless what that book, undeserving as it is in that monkey's paw you call a hand, suggests." The blonde man says while looking over the various servants and masters.

"…Amusing. So many in one place and so few have died. Yet, I cannot believe any of you are a threat."

Kazuma and Cu recognize the voice.

Archer looks on surprise, rage, and slight panic.

'Why the Hell is he here NOW?' Archer thinks.

"That guy cannot possibly be strong enough to handle everyone here…even with Heracles we should-"

"We don't have the firepower to stop him. He is no ordinary servant; he is Gilgamesh, the original hero…" Archer says, making whoever nearby glance at him with raised eyebrows or look at him in shock.

"I did not expect my true name to be learned already. Congratulations mongrel, for speaking my name with the proper gravitas, you won't be the first one to die!" Gilgamesh says with a shrug and two raised arms.

"But…can't we just use his weakness since we know his name?" Kazuma asks.

"He effectively has no weakness…"

"He can't defeat this many people by himself!" Kazuma says, drawing Gilgamesh's attention.

"You are so very ignorant…I shall enlighten you." He says, raising his hand a dozen circles appear behind him, each one having a sword or spear appear.

One is Gae Bolg, another is Rule Breaker, another is Excalibur…

Everyone looks on in growing dread as even more weapons appear.

Cu and Kazuma look at each other and nod.

Cu has a water bottle, and Kazuma has a bluff.

"I bet you couldn't hit the broadside of a barn!" Kazuma shouts while walking down the hall of the third floor while flipping Gilgamesh the bird.

Shinji is shocked.

The servants are also shocked.

Illya and the maids are stunned at this display and the destroyed castle.

Berserker roars at finally reviving.

Gilgamesh is amused.

Archer sighs before picking up the near comatose Saber.

"And I thought I was stupid in my youth…" He says before hoisting Rin up.

"Wait, what are you-" Rin yelps when he jumps out the window as Gilgamesh laughs while shooting a dozen swords or spears at the running and crying Kazuma.

"Nyahahaha! Where is your earlier bravado, mongrel?" Gilgamesh asks while purposefully missing closer and closer to Kazuma, forcing him to jump from the third floor to the second in a mad dash through a hole.

"B-but Gilgamesh! He's just a small fry! He can't even use magic!"

"So he is a comrade of yours?" Gilgamesh asks, further amused when Shinji starts panicking when Heracles approaches.

Only to be stopped and held in place by chains.

"W-what? How are those chains…" Illya stammers.

"They are especially effective against the divine…And Heracles is a demigod, correct?" Gilgamesh says while lazily firing another salvo, nearly making Kazuma have a heart attack.

"Gae Bolg!" Cu says and Gilgamesh languidly raises an arm.

"Rho Aias." He says, making a majestic shield of flowers appear, easily stopping the weapon, and making Cu try to drink some water to recover from his shock.

Only to find the bottle is cut in half from one of Gilgamesh's attacks.

"Weapons are not the only items in my treasury, and I know about that water trick…it reminds me of a braggart I had the displeasure of knowing eons ago."

'Wait does he know-' Kazuma's thought stops when a section of flooring gives way under him, making him land on the ground floor.

"AHHHH!" Kazuma yells as he is cornered by a series of spears outlining him.

"HAHAHA!" Gilgamesh laughs at Kazuma's crying, barely noticing Archer appear near Illya. Leysritt and Sella stand in front of Illya.

"I'm here to help you."

"We're supposed to believe you?"

"You believe he will be kinder to you?" Archer asks, begrudgingly winning them over and helping them escape.

Medea meanwhile stands over the exhausted Cu Chulainn, Rule Breaker in hand.

"…Something stopping you?" He asks with a neutral voice.

"Kazuma is a young man, and one that appears to not have had to live with his hands for as long as you."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You were the one that pulled me out of Saber's attack earlier, weren't you?"

"Yes…But I didn't think that would matter to you compared to killing your master."

"It doesn't…but between this new threat, and my distaste of being indebted, I'll allow you to live today…Rider…"

Medusa carries the exhausted Cu out of the castle.

"No complaints about us leaving behind Kazuma?" Medea asks.

"The lad has an idea or two….I'm mostly sure." Cu says.

"Unbelievable…What a terrible servant." Shinji says as he sees Medusa jump away, grinning at him as she does.

"Insulting me is one matter…insulting me within hearing distance is quite another." Gilgamesh says before snapping his fingers, impaling Berserker repeatedly, and quickly burning through his lives.

"Am I supposed to be impressed you were manipulated by this liar and let every servant and master leave?" Shinji says, making Gilgamesh's smile fall.

"You really never learned any manners, have you?"

"I don't need manners…By my command seal-"

"You filthy, inbred mongrel!"

"I order you to kill all the other servants and masters!" Shinji says, his book shining brightly a moment.

Gilgamesh laughs with a closed mouth before having the chains wrap around Shinji's neck.

"You are truly contemptible, surpassed only in idiocy. A general command is a waste of a seal…and the last mistake you will make." Gilgamesh says as the chain tightens around Shinji's neck, gargles and groans soon stopping at the sound of a final snapping.

Gilgamesh sighs.

"To think I was thoroughly amused by your antics. Now the day is soured."

"Oh that is just the beginning." Kazuma says, making Gilgamesh raise an eyebrow.

"Do you believe you can best me by yourself? After I defeated Heracles and deflected the Child of Light's ultimate attack?"

"If you are so confident, then allow me do one thing." Kazuma says, hoping the sweat on his neck and his near heart attack pulse aren't noticed.

Gilgamesh crosses his arms and smiles.

"Very well. Amuse me." He says and Kazuma reaches towards him, feeling confident now that there are no women nearby.

"Steal!" Gilgamesh nearly covers his eyes at such a bright light. When he sees what is in Kazuma's hand he pales.

"What? How did you-"

"Hehehe~!" Kazuma says while holding the book Shinji had with command seals that can affect Gilgamesh.

"You would not dare…!"

"By my command seal-!"

===

To everyone's shock, Kazuma leaves the destroyed castle a few minutes later.

"How the Hell did you survive against Gilgamesh by yourself?" Archer asks.

"It's because I was by myself that my 'steal' finally worked. I took that book with one more seal that could make Blondie do anything I wanted." Kazuma says.

"Oh my God…You made the King of Heroes kill himself?!" Archer asks and Kazuma's face freezes in a silly smile.

"You…didn't?"

"I uh…"

"Did you make him go and kill the priest?!" Cu asks with a smile that falls when Kazuma looks to the side.

"What did you do?!" Medea asks.

"I…was nervous and dehydrated so I wasn't thinking properly ok?" Kazuma says before explaining what he ordered Gilgamesh to do.

The servant's mouths hang open.

Rin raises an arm to shoot Kazuma.

Archer moves to stop her.

Then lets her take pot shots at him.

===

"Explosion, Explosion, La La la!"

'I'm… going…to skin….him alive!' Gilgamesh thinks as he does another mid air spin while clapping his hands in the city, singing another verse, drawing stares from passing citizens, his anger growing when mothers tell their children not to look at the strange foreigner.

This humiliation pales to Kirei's laughter at seeing him from further up the road.

"Silence Kirei!…Who is this?" Gilgamesh demands at seeing the red haired young man in a suit with a brief case.

"This Gilgamesh, is a master who just lost his servant and would like to continue participating in the Holy Grail War."

 

[Davos]

"Absolutely not! I entertained this idea already and after that horrid excuse of a master, and this humiliation I suffered from this Kazuma Satou, I will not-"

"You know Kazuma?" Shirou asks.

"Did I give you permission to- wait…you know this Kazuma?"

"Until a few minutes ago we were on the same side, but after this much time with him, I have little reason to-"

"Tolerate him?" Gilgamesh says the same time as Shirou, surprising the young man.

Gilgamesh smiles.

"Well, you are full of surprises Kirei. I will accept this plan for now. Though I do admit after Shinji, the bar is low for my next 'master'."

"Wait, you know Shinji?"

"I knew him. I killed him."

"You bastard!" Shirou says, making Kirei look with widened eyes.

"Watch your tone mongrel. I will-"

"I was going to kill him!" Shirou says, stunning both Kirei and Gilgamesh.

Both remain quiet a moment longer.

Gilgamesh suspects what he is feeling but is not certain, until Shirou asks his next question.

"Did you at least make it painful?"

"He died in tears." Gilgamesh says, now certain what he is feeling as a slight smile creeps up on Shirou's face.

Respect.

Respect for a creature of this period.

Not even he suspected he would come to such a result.

Even Kirei's smug, lightless smile is tolerable.



===

"…Why are you all here?" Rin asks with thinly veiled annoyance.

"You should be grateful I am allowing you this opportunity." Illya says with a tea cup in hand.

"Opportunity?"

"You come to my home, destroy it, leave me destitute, and lead to the death of my servant. Be glad I am offering you this chance of redemption. I'll even offer aid against that insufferable blonde man." Illya says.

"I didn't even cause most of those things!"

"Part of growing up is dealing with things outside your control…but I can understand if you don't want to~."

"I believe this is what Sella calls, 'being a brat', Lady Illya." Leysritt says in monotone.

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is, and you still have to write that report!" Sella says from the kitchen, making Illya deflate.

Rin looks over to Caster.

"…I would think after seeing Gilgamesh kill Heracles, you would welcome an alliance." Medea says, and Rin stays quiet before looking over at Kazuma, who is in the kitchen with Sella, Rider, and Archer.

"What's with that stare, Red junior?"

"Pardon me for not feeling enthused about you being in my home."

"Is that any way to talk to me after I saved your ass?" And I can't exactly go back to the residence of the guy that tried to Elizabeth us, now can I?" Kazuma says, getting a weak groan of rage from a couch ridden Saber.

"Don't worry Elizabeth, we'll get that horrible man back." Medea says, drawing another groan.

"I don't think he'll go back home after making enemies of this many servants." Archer says while smoothly cooking some egg rolls.

"Where else can he go?" Sella asks while adding some spices to a soup.

"The church?" Kazuma asks while cooking rice as a dish falls to the ground.

Rider dropped it.

She is blushing while picking it up.

"Don't worry about it, happens to all of us…though you don't really need to be back here. I think us three can handle dinner easily enough so you can relax."

"I…thought I could try to help…" Rider says before tossing the broken plate to the garbage and sitting with a slight blush.

'So cute…' Kazuma thinks with a grin, drawing blank stares from Archer and Sella.

"I don't think he would ever go to the church."

"Did you think he would ever toss a bag of flash bangs and make Saber commit Harakiri?"

"…If he did go to the church then we have nothing to worry about with regards to him. Kirei most likely killed him by now."

"Why's that?"

"Servants need mana to stay in this world. One of those ways is by eating the souls of people, and Gilgamesh remained in this world for over 10 years after the end of the prior Grail war…this was around the time he started taking in orphans from a disaster at the end of said war."

"Oh God…this church is worse than Arcanletia…" Kazuma says with vacant eyes.

After that they set the table and see Saber still cannot rouse herself, even there is mention of meat, and lots of it, causing a groan at her own bodily impotence.

"She's not at risk of dying…so what is wrong with her?" Kazuma asks.

"I am not sure. I think the excess damage, and the exact nature of your healing spell has her in a state of limbo. I am certain an influx of mana can resolve it but…" Caster says before looking over the room of women, a male servant, and Kazuma.

Kazuma gets up and heads over to the couch.

"How depraved…What a lack of decorum." Illya says.

"Not on my couch!" Rin shouts.

"…You are a young man, but can you at least go somewhere private?"

Rider, Sella, and Leysritt remains silent with a flat face.

Archer stands up and grabs Kazuma by the neck. Brow twitching, a vein on his head.

"What the Hell are you all scowling at me for? I'm just giving her mana like I did Cu!"

"Context Kazuma!" Cu Chulainn says as everyone but Archer looks at him.

Except Archer who is stunned at seeing Saber open her mouth.

"Child of Light, everyone is either a servant, and with the exception of Tohsaka, has extensive knowledge mage craft." Illya says.

"Are you seriously insulting me in my own home you freeloader?"

"50 pages." Sella says, getting a whimper from Illya.

"Create water…!" Kazuma says, strained from Archer's grasp, and splashing Saber in the face as she drinks some of the water, starting to revive with wide eyes.

Everyone else is equally wide eyed when Saber sits up, hair wet, her dress soaked, but alert, healthy, and blushing profusely.

Archer let's Kazuma go in shock.

"Why was everyone- wait why are you blushing?" Kazuma asks Saber who grows redder and leaves the room.

Before returning to grab her plate and stops a moment.

She grabs Kazuma's plate as well and leaves the room.

"Hey!"

"There's plenty for another few plates…this is bizarre…" Archer says before going into spirit form with a hand at his head.

Kazuma looks at Cu.

"One of the alternative methods for mana transfer is an exchange of fluids."

"What do you mean fl-Wait…'That' was an option!? So when she opened her mouth I could have…" Kazuma asks, a new regret forming.

'Great…my couch is soaked beyond all repair, and this idiot is going to be inconsolable.' Rin thinks as Medea hands a cup to Kazuma. A moment later she drinks a cup of 'create water' and gasps at the mana richness.

"How are you able to pack so much mana in water?" Medea asks, and Cu does a groaning gasp before standing.

"The potato patch!"

===

"…Why are we here?" Gilgamesh asks, standing the Emiya residence.

"They were staying here with me. Honestly, I'm surprised they aren't all here waiting to ambush me." Shirou says.

"Seeking to counter their ambush with me to avoid having to hunt them down? Surprisingly shrewd, but why would they all be here?"

"For some reason my prior Servant enthralled quite a few of them."

'…Just like that Irish lancer in the last Grail War.' Gilgamesh thinks before spotting a patch of freshly turned dirt. His eyes widen when Shirou throws a grenade at the potato patch, blowing it up.

"…I may no longer need to sustain myself like I did in life, but I do not appreciate wastes of food."

"Likewise, but it was planted by Kazuma."

"Then I shall make an exception. But I do hope you have weapons that do not cause instant death."

"Afraid not, but I do have a counter measure to his 'steal' spell."

"You do? What is it?" Gilgamesh asks, and Shirou explains his plan.

After a moment of disbelief, Gilgamesh laughs uproariously.

 

[Davos]

"You know something has been bugging me…" Kazuma says while looking at Rin.

"And that is?"

"How did Archer know who Rider and Gilgamesh were with no hints?"

"Selective amnesia~." Archer says while in spirit form.

"I will turn into a spirit and kick your ass." Cu says and Archer laughs.

"You expect me to believe you can turn into spirit form when you need water after using your noble phantasm?"

Cu glowers.

"But that aside, there are two things on my mind."

"And those are?"

"What if Shirou isn't dead?"

"I doubt he will be an issue. The only way he'll be relevant now is if he works with Gilgamesh, and he isn't exactly the team player type." Archer says.

"It still might be a situation to ponder…With an unwilling Saber, he did almost kill us all…if he were to somehow partner with Gilgamesh…" Rider trails off.

"It would be difficult countering whatever machinations they concoct." Sella says.

"True…he is almost as scummy as Kazuma." Rin says, making Kazuma glare at her, before smiling and raising his hand.

Rin brings up her arm for Gandr to begin a cross dimensional magic stand off.

"Will you two grow up?! We have a psychotic Heroic spirit of unbelievable power, possibly with Shirou who has an oddly excellent access of weaponry and dirty tactics! We need to prepare for the off chance that they team up, and dealing with them separately if need be!" Sella shouts.

===

"So…you watch TV a lot?" Shirou asks in the basement with Gilgamesh.

"I do. Between Kirei being a priest in the day light hours, and how vexing the locals are whenever I should be seen during the day, this box has become one way I spend my days." Gilgamesh says before sipping some wine as the shopping channel starts.

"Already own it…already own it…Gah, I own that and I wish I didn't…When does the cooking show start?" He says before taking a sip.

"I thought you don't need to eat food?"

"I don't, but seeing servants cook meals reminds me of home. It is also a surprisingly enjoyable watch before the game shows an hour after them…Ah, the one with blonde man who yells at chefs to intense music!"

'Oh God, he's a bored housewife…' Shirou thinks.

===

"Put down the hand!" Rin says.

"Put down the finger gun!" Kazuma shouts back.

Their bickering continues a moment longer until birds of thin, sharp strings land on their head.

They both put down their arms much to everyone's glee.

"There's still the second thing."

"Something else about Archer?"

"No, when's the outing with Sakura you promised?"

"Oh I lied about that~!" Rin says with a heart warming smile.

Kazuma brings up his hand, his other one flipping off Rin.

Rin brings up her hand, also flipping off Kazuma.

"That's it, I'm going to bed. I'm taking the big room on the second floor near the windows!" Illya says.

"That's my room!" Rin says, running after Illya who is already half way up the stairs. Sella sighs and walks after them. Medea and Medusa go into spirit form.

"…I'm taking a walk." Cu says and leaves the manor.

===

"Which game show is on, young man?" Kirei asks while organizing some papers.

"The historical one…I stopped trying to play when two of the answers were Gilgamesh himself." Shirou says, getting a chuckle from the priest.

"I cannot blame you…he is eerily skilled at the non historical ones too…Never would have imagined a demigod king would know that much about pottery." Kirei muses before looking at Shirou with a lightless smile.

"I am curious though…Did your father really teach you nothing of magic?"

"He tried to dissuade me from that so nothing…what little I do know is from reading the odd book he had."

"May I ask for a demonstration?"

Shirou shows him his strengthening and projection magic, getting a raised brow from the priest.

"…That bad huh?"

"My handling of mage craft is scant compared to mage families, but even I can tell there are issues with your circuits. May I try something?"

Eventually Shirou nods his head, and a moment later the priest places a hand on the back of his neck surges a burst of mana through him, cleaning out and awakening the circuits, sending Shirou to lean against a wall before sitting on a pew, breathing heavily.

"This will pass young man. I suspect you will find magic much easier in a few hours after rest."

"Thank you…but I thought you were supposed to be a neutral party in all of this?"

"The church is…I am not." Kirei says.

'…Another questionable person…but helpful for now.' Shirou thinks behind a neutral face.

'Yes…Suspect me young man. I cannot wait to fight with an Emiya again~.' Kirei thinks.

A moment later Shirou stands and goes to the basement.

"Pardon me Gilgamesh, but I need to go somewhere."

"Then go. It is barely evening."

"…It's eight at night." Shirou says, causing Gilgamesh to look at a clock.

"Oh It is. Very well, we have an hour before the one show. Let us make haste. Where are we going?"

"The Matou household." Shirou says, getting an amused brow raise from Gilgamesh.

===

Cu studies the surroundings of the Emiya estate, confident there is no one with mana nearby and heads to the spot, bumping into Taiga at a corner.

"Cu! Have you seen Shirou?!" Taiga asks with a furrowed brow.

"Not for a bit, why?"

After a moment of silence, Taiga leads him to the potato patch, dirt and shrapnel lining the top layer and around it.

Cu falls to his knees and begins digging with his hands.

"C-Cu! There are shovels nearby! But I don't think there is anything-" Taiga stops when she hears him start laughing with tears in his eyes, holding up a small handful of potatoes.

===

"I can understand being taken in by a young woman, and I know my methods of courting are not…common in this age, but I did not expect you to partake in this." Gilgamesh says when Shirou reappears.

"It's not like that…though I do admit to having a soft spot for Sakura." Shirou says with a frown.

"…Why are you forlorn? I was under the impression this was a common act for adolescents of this time and bought them joy." Gilgamesh asks, making Shirou look at him.

"…Common?"

"It is commonly expressed on the Television, and mentioned a few times by people in the confession booth. Is it not a routine behavior of young men?"

"No! Wait, I thought you had an understanding of this world upon materialization years ago?"

"I do, but sexual practices of this period are not one of those areas the Grail enlightens me on…Are you telling me such depravity is not a common occurrence?"

"No! It's a crime! And not typically done at that!"

"So the television has lied to me…Another target for my revenge." Gilgamesh says with a balled fist.

"Wait…what shows do you watch that mention this?"

"I saw it in passing on oddly drawn shows and ones that have an excess of explosions and violence…speaking of violence, what time is it now?" Gilgamesh asks.

"8:45." Shirou says and Gilgamesh's eyes widen.

"We need to hurry. Kamen Rider is on at 9!"

'…What?' Shirou thinks in abject shock as they return to the church.