Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Davos]

Cu Chulainn finds himself stunned as his master's blood drips from the priest's hands. Then he raises his spear.

"Come now, Child of Light, surely you realize striking me down now is impossible? We are on hallowed ground~." Kotomine Kirei says with lightless eyes despite his grin.

"You believe I would just serve you after this? Then you got a nasty surprise coming, priest." Cu Chulainn says with a scowl.

"You're participation in my plans is not critical, but you could be a serviceable scout."

"Scout?! I am a warrior, not a messenger bird!"

"Then allow me to show you the power of a command seal. I-"

The door to the church opens, stopping them.

"Hey, sorry for the intrusion, but I'm new to the city and a little short on money, would it be ok if I sleep on one of these benches for-" The brown haired young man in a green tracksuit stops when he sees the blood spattered priest holding an arm, lean man in blue with a red spear pointed at said priest, and a suited woman with one arm on the ground.

"…A shame you could not have arrived a few minutes later young man; there is plenty of room for you in the basement for you."

"And I thought the grinning loli wandering at night was disturbing…Talk about a crappy start to a vacation…" He says with slumped shoulders.



===A few hours earlier===

"You…want a vacation?" Eris, the white haired Goddess in charge of the after life asks.

"No, I need a vacation." Kazuma says while looking at the floor.

"C-come now Kazuma, this death wasn't that bad!" Eris says.

"It was beyond pitiful!" Kazuma shouts, the tears at his eyes threatening to overflow.

They flow freely when Eris remains silent, unable to refuse his claim.

"I-It's not like you can just leave that world. Your body-"

"About that, I have an idea."

"Huh?" Eris blinks.

"Can't you put my body on autopilot or something? Or maybe another soul can temporarily inhabit my body during this vacation?"

"That…that really shouldn't be done…" Eris says while glancing away.

'He…doesn't know about my alter ego does he?'

"Please?"

"E-even if that is possible, I don't think any set of automated functions can contend with your party!"

"And I can't right now! I'm not asking for long, not even a month! Just two weeks of peace and a reminder of home! Even 10 days!" Kazuma pleads on the ground now, making Eris scratch her cheek.

'…This death was about as traumatic as his first…and it's only two weeks…' Eris thinks with a sigh.

"Very well…there is actually a nice little port city I frequent that could do you some good. But don't expect this reprieve each time, and there is a little thing you can do for me while there."

"I won't, thank you Eris!"

===

'Can't complain she was a little low on the starting money…more then when I started in Axel. Plus I still have my abilities so I won't be in as much risk here in Fuyuki.' Kazuma thinks as he buys himself a bag of groceries for dinner and begins hunting down a spot to stay.

Only to find none.

'Smallish town I guess…Not much need for hotels.' Kazuma thinks with a frown before seeing a young girl with white hair and red eyes approach him with a puzzled face. Then she smiles.

"You shouldn't wander at night mister…you may die~." She says while passing him, and vanishing when Kazuma looks for her.

"…Great, another weird loli with red eyes…Least magic isn't a thing here." Kazuma mutters with a sigh before continuing on.

When he turns the corner he sees a stern looking middle aged man and a robed woman with bits of blue or light purple hair poking out from her hood on the ground, looking at each other as they speak.

Kazuma turns around.

'Maybe it's cosplay season?' He thinks before wandering more through the city. Eventually he finds himself in a busy section of the city. After some more wandering he approaches a red haired young man.

"Pardon me, can you tell me where there are any hotels I can stay for the night?"

"Not too many of those I'm afraid…There are some over that way but they are pricy. I think there are some cheaper options that way, but I don't know exactly where. I think the church offers sanctuary too. I'd help more but my break is about over."

"No worries, thanks a lot!"

Kazuma settles on bumming a night at the church.

'Least the Church's in Japan aren't as bad as the ones in Arcanletia!' He thinks before opening the door and asking to stay before seeing the murdering priest and about to be murderous spearman.

"…If I pretend to have amnesia about this can I leave?" Kazuma asks.

"I'm afraid that is not an option young man." Kirei says.

"Why not?"

"Long story short, mages like secrecy." Cu Chulainn says.

"Mages?"

"Yes…but there might be a way out of this for you. Repeat after me." Cu says, making Kirei look at him with a raised brow.

"You're spear makes my destiny, and my will creates your body-"

'Oh, must be a cosplay thing like with that couple. I'll just play along then talk to someone about staying the night.' Kazuma thinks before repeating everything Cu says, and feeling a burning sensation on his hand. Looking over he sees 3 strange red symbols.

"What the Hell?!"

"Bad move Lancer." A voice further in says, making Cu Chulainn shudder a moment before leaping towards Kazuma and carrying him with one hand out of the church.

"What the-?!" Kazuma sees he is dozens of feet above in the air. A minute later, he is on the ground in some woods and Cu is scratching the back of his neck as Kazuma looks around in stunned silence.

"…What was that chant about? This isn't a cosplay thing is it?"

"Afraid not lad, you're in a Holy Grail War now."

"A what?" Kazuma asks.

"Basically a… 7 way team death match? Huh, strange term…Anyway, it's between teams of Masters, that's you now, and Servants, figures from myth and history, like me, to-."

"I'm sorry but can you give me a minute?" Kazuma asks.

"Sure thing, and sorry for dragging you into this…this won't be a long situation I promise." Cu says as Kazuma goes to some nearby woods.

"ERIS!" He shouts with every fiber of his being, making Cu raise an eyebrow.

"I know it's not quite my place, but you should try to be quiet…and why are you shouting the name of a Greek Godd-"

"Hi Kazuma…"

"What the-?!"

"Do you call this a vacation? I'm in some kind of secret world team death match now! I didn't even get a hot girl as a teammate but some cool guy that seems like he would die off screen or after an awesome showing!"

"You are!? Oh no, I must have messed up the teleportation or timing, you were supposed to save that young woman without realizing…" Eris says.

"Wait, you were supposed to- wait, who is this mysterious voice? And why do I feel a massive tract of mana?" Cu Chulainn says while getting closer, now seeing the rip in the air.

"…You're not just some regular guy are you?"

"Greetings, Cu Chulainn, Ireland's Child of Light." Eris says, making Cu Chulainn straighten up.

"May I implore you to look after this young man during his stay in this city?"

"I was already planning on such a course after he saved me from being that priest's lapdog…though I cannot promise what happens after I kill that priest."

"You are not planning on attempting a wish from the Holy Grail?" Eris asks.

"A what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Not really. I just want to clash with great heroes, but more importantly, I want to kill that priest…I would have done so, but I'd rather an innocent not get killed by whoever was further in the church."

"What is this about a wish?"

"Oh, the Grail grants a wish for the victor of the war." Cu Chulainn says.

"Any wish?" Kazuma asks with a glint in his eyes.

"As far as I know."

"Then I'm in." Kazuma says.

"What? Not that I mind, but you sure you want to stay in this? You're likely to die."

"Wouldn't be the first time, and from what I gathered, I'll have a target on my back no matter what now…besides, that wish could be the answer to my own struggles." Kazuma says.

"…Not that I want to dampen your resolve since it aligns with mine, but you aren't suited to being a master; I can already feel myself straining to exist in this world due to your lack of mana."

"You use mana?"

"Yeah, it's what keeps servants around and fuels us, and our main way of getting that is from Master's own mana...there are other ways, but I'm not keen on them."

"…One moment." Kazuma says before taking out a reusable bottle.

"Create water." Kazuma casts the spell, making Cu somewhat wide eyed at seeing water appear out of thin air before being handed the drink. After a moment he takes a drink and finishes it with wide eyes.

"That…that was the most delicious water I ever had! How is it so full of mana?!"

"Something I picked up in my adventures in another world. I also have ample experience in working with a powerful blue person." Kazuma says with a gin and a thumbs up.

Cu Chulainn matches the gesture.

===

"We should probably get ourselves familiar with the area." Lancer says as they walk through a section of burnt out plain.

"I was wandering the last few hours through the city so I think I'm good there. But given the whole secret thing, we probably won't be doing much there right?"

"Yeah, we'd probably be fighting at night and in secluded areas like this. I should tell you what I can-" Cu stops when a blonde in a rain coat and a red haired young man emerge from another section of the plain.

"Careful Master." Lancer says while readying his weapon.

"Wait, I met that guy earlier." They both say back.

"Surprising…but right now he is a mage hell bent on killing you."

"…Why would a mage be working as a laborer?" Kazuma asks.

"Don't know, maybe his mage craft is expensive? Either way, this is the perfect opportunity to show you what I can do, and my ultimate technique!" Lancer says before charging the blonde in a rain coat who tosses the garment off and begins battle with Lancer, quickly answering his blows and pushing back, the clang of metal deafening.

'Strange…she looks like she is holding nothing at all…' Kazuma thinks while using his enhanced sight to study her movements. A moment later Lancer is being pushed back.

"…You're more formidable than I expected. Shame we didn't meet earlier. What class are you?"

"I'm obviously a Lancer Servant."

"Amusing…But no matter." Lancer says before taking a low stance, his crimson spear starting to glow as he lunges, well beyond any range for a thrust.

"Gae Bolg!" He shouts, and a moment later the blonde staggers to a knee despite seemingly deflecting the blow.

"Amazing! You wounded her gravely despite it being blocked!"

"No…This is not good Master…"

"How? She's bleeding and on one knee, oh she's up again."

"That…That attack reverses causality and guarantees my target gets stabbed in the heart. She should be dead, not wounded…" Lancer says.

"Then how is she still alive??"

"Luck does not favor you today Lancer!" The blonde says, now back on her feet.

"…Luck?"

"…It is possible for servants with high luck and quick reflexes to make my Gae Bolg non fatal…"

"You're telling me you have bad luck?"

"E rank unless I drink a lot of that water…"

"Oh my God, it's happening again…Next you'll tell me you're a drunkard…"

"That's just a rude stereotype of the Irish!"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that! I'm not a drunk!"

"I'm not paying your debts."

"Why would I ever-" Cu's question is cut off when the blonde attacks him, still as strong but more slowly now.

"Saber!" The red head says.

"Least we got her class…"

"But we know your servant is Cu Chulainn!" Saber says.

'Right…now that they now that they can study him for weaknesses while we don't know her name putting us in a disadvantage…'

"You say that like I cannot overpower you in your current-ugh…!" Lancer says before feeling himself grow more faint, now using his spear to keep himself up.

"Hm? I did not expect your Noble Phantasm to drain you so…Or is this a feint to lull me? But taking you out will be of a great help to us." Saber says, readying her invisible sword.

"W-wait, can't we just get them to surrender?" The red asks.

"No, mages do not simply yield Shirou." Saber says to her master as Kazuma approaches Cu Chulainn, handing him a bottle.

"I'll distract her a moment, so fuel up."

"…Thanks." Cu says before taking the much needed water.

"Hm? Why do you approach?"

"I wish to ask you something since you somewhat remind me of a companion of mine."

"…Speak then."

"Are you a hopeless pervert who enjoys feeling pain?" Kazuma asks, making Lancer choke on some water as Saber and Shirou look at him aghast.

Saber points her blade at him.

"…I may kill you for such an asinine and offensive question."

"That's not no."

"Are you so dense to think me so depraved?"

"Bad time to mention I don't think I can best her in my current state?" Lancer asks, feeling alive again.

"I don't mind a tactical retreat, but leaving without knowing her name will only come back to haunt us…" Kazuma says before extending a hand towards Saber.

"Magic from this world cannot harm me."

"Good thing this isn't magic from this world!"

"What?!" All three ask at the same time as his hand starts glowing bright, soon blinding everyone present.

"Steal!" He says, and a moment later, everyone looks confused when Saber still has her blade and armor.

Then she pales and glares at Kazuma.

Kazuma also frowns.

"Guess I can't complain about your luck Cu…"

"Why do you say-" Cu stops when Kazuma opens his fist, showing a pair of plain white panties.

"Oh my God…" Cu says, frowning fully at his master.

Saber's sword reveals itself as she raises it above her head, now glowing brightly.

"EX-"

 

[Hephaestus]

Fuck ya crack I love crack now give me more

 

[Albedodragono]

xD as expected from Kuzuma. I hope next chapters will come out fast

 

[Davos]

"Oh my God!" Cu says before grabbing Kazuma.

"-CLAIBUR!" The blonde woman shouts with every fiber of her being, unleashing a wave of potent golden energy in Kazuma's direction.

Cu barely manages to hoist him away and evade the blow.

Saber coughs up some blood but still keeps an eye on them as they begin to retreat, but Cu stops.

"Luck does not favor you today Saber!" He says with smart ass grin until he notices Kazuma waving the pair of panties at her like a handkerchief.

"Really Master?"

"She tried to kill me; I have no qualms about annoying her, especially when she is too injured to continue."

"She might have battle continuation."

"She could, but possibility is not enough to stop me from certainly annoying her~." Kazuma says, continuing to wave merrily at a scowling Saber until Lancer jumps away.

Saber takes a deep breath and turns to Shirou.

"My apologies Master, Even if I knew there was no people or housing in that direction, I still let my anger get the better of me and-" Saber stops when she sees Shirou looking at the devastation her Noble Phantasm caused with an open mouth, wide eyes, and slight shudder.

"Master?"

"It's…It's exactly like back then…the great Fuyuki fire! D-did you…?"

"There…were circumstances and-W-wait Master I can explain!"

===

"What in the world was that Archer?" A young woman in a red top and black skirt asks a man in a red coat.

"That was likely a Noble Phantasm, and a powerful one at that. I would not be surprised if that was from the Saber servant of this war."

"Still, using a Noble Phantasm this early? And one as showy as that? Must be a complete rookie of a master…"

"The Holy Grail War does have a history of pulling non mages into this conflict." The red coat man says with a neutral face.

"That should make things easier for us…though it would help if I knew what you can do."

"Apologies Master. My memories are still hazy."

'But…Saber never used Excalibur this early before…what is going on?' Archer thinks with a closed eye before noticing Rin walking in a direction.

"Where are you going Master?"

"To track down one of the fighters, they must be weakened after that display…or are you unable to track them Archer?" She asks with a slight smile.

===

"Guess we know where 'Big brother' is tonight~." A white haired child says with a smile. The giant in spirit form beside her grunts in agreement before they head in that direction.

===

"Is that…the power of a servant?" A lean middle aged man asks at the gate of a temple.

"Indeed Master…I would not be surprised if that was from Saber or another Knight class…now do you see why I suggested my plan of gathering mana?" A robed woman asks as she finishes setting up a summoning circle.

"I do…I am no stranger to such tactics…but that sight was still astounding."

"Indeed…One moment master, I need silence for this next part." She says and her master nods. A few minutes later a man with long hair and an absurdly long sword appears.

"…Which one of you is my master?"

"I am, Assassin…or would you rather I call you Kojiro Sasaki?"

"It matters not, Witch of Colchis, as long as I can head out and meet a worthy foe in battle."

"Then you are not going to like my order…And I insist that you never call me that again."



===

"This grail war is looking to be quite interesting…wouldn't you agree, Kirei?" A blonde man says while swirling a cup of red liquid.

"Indeed…Though I cannot help but be wary of the Child of Light holding a grudge against me."

"Are you really worried about that mongrel? The one that ran away at the sound of my voice? Though I admit, I might not be in top form…" The blonde man says with a smirk.

"My apologies, King of Heroes. It is rather difficult to find orphans ten years after a disaster." Kirei says, drawing a chuckle from the blonde servant.

===

"What the Hell was that?!" A blue haired young man says.

"A servant…one much more powerful than I." A pink haired woman in a short black outfit says.

"I can see that!....We'll have to hurry that plan along…Think I need to see Sakura to calm down after that…~"

"…As you wish Master."

===

Some distance away, Cu lets Kazuma go and looks at him, studying him.

"Something on my face? Or are you going to reprimand me for earlier?"

"No, just realized something after thinking about that water you make."

"What is it?"

"Can you make food? Specifically potatoes?"

"Isn't that a stereotype of the Irish?" Kazuma asks, getting a small grin from Cu.

"It is if they aren't delicious. So can you?"

"Yes and no. I do have a garden back home with vegetables that are probably as rich in mana as the water, but they still take time to grow, at least a week for small ones to be edible." Kazuma says as Cu empties the bottle, looking notably heartier after the infusion of mana.

"Shame…If it's anything like the water, I would kill for a baked potato right now."

"Wow…the grail really did pull in non masters…" A young woman's voice says, making Cu and Kazuma turn to see the young woman in red and black and red coat wearing man with white hair and tanned skin.

"Another one so soon?!" Kazuma asks in shock.

"This servant is likely good at tracking...I'm sure he is hoping for an easy win thinking I am spent after that fight with Saber." Cu says, spear at the ready.

'So he did fight with Saber…but that shouldn't have been enough to make her use her- wait…who is this??' Archer thinks while looking at Kazuma in surprise.

"Where are you looking Red?!" Cu says, already closing the distance and stabbing away at Archer, quickly pushing him back.

The young woman watches some distance, growing more concerned as Archer is forced back, and staring wide eyed when his twin swords are flung away.

"You got this Lancer!" Kazuma says.

When Lancer goes to stab him, Archer already has his blades back, only for it to be tossed aside again.

And again.

And again for the fifth time.

"…What the Hell?" Cu asks and Archer merely grins back at him.

'He doesn't seem nearly as strong as Saber, but the fact he has unlimited blades at his disposal is an issue.' Kazuma thinks before the red man speaks.

"Are you troubled Setanta? Or should I call you Cu Chulainn?"

"What the Hell?" Kazuma mutters in shock as Rin looks on with a smile.

"…How do you know I am not another Lancer?" Cu asks, equally puzzled.

"You're skill is as revealing as a Noble Phantasm."

"Then I see no point in keeping it secret!" Cu says before jumping back and dropping low, a hand on the ground his spear glowing red. Archer grimaces and raises an arm as Cu attacks, hurling his spear with all the force his wound up body can muster into the throw.

"Gae Bolg!"

"Rho Aias!" Archer says, making seven petals appear. The young woman flinches, as wide eyed as Kazuma and Cu when the petals start shattering slowly from Cu's attack, stopping entirely at the fifth gate before returning to Cu. When the shield vanishes, Archer is only slightly damaged and fatigued from the attack, but the young woman goes to a knee with heavy breathing, a hand at her heart.

"…I'm starting to think you don't know what causality means Cu."

"Not the time Master! And in my defense, that shield is literally the worst thing for me to face! It is the ultimate defense against thrown weapons… But now we have his name…he is Ajax!" Cu says and Archer smiles.

"But…aren't those short swords Chinese?" Kazuma asks and Archer's smile fades.

"That…they were…"

"And his style of clothing is neither Chinese nor Greek…What is your name?" Kazuma shouts the question.

"I do not know, I have amnesia!" Archer answers back, smiling when he sees Cu start leaning on his lance.

'Crap…Cu is running on empty again. Got to make something up to distract them so he can recover!'

"So you're Japanese!" Kazuma shouts with unsupported bravado.

"W-what?" Archer asks, taking a step back from the question. Cu takes the chance to drink water.

"How in the world did you come to that conclusion??" The young woman asks.

"Because…" Kazuma starts before swallowing.

"He's obviously been isekai'd!"

"I've never been run over by a truck!" Archer shouts before blanching. His master looks at him with an open mouth.

"Aha! So you are Japanese, and judging from your skin tone, an ntr bastard too!" Kazuma says, making Cu raise an eyebrow as he finishes the water.

"How dare y- I mean I don't know what that means!"

"Oh my God, my servant is a womanizer…" The young woman says.

"I am not! Wait why do you know that term?" Archer asks.

"Why do you?! Have you been eyeballing me?!" The woman says while covering herself.

"No! Why would you- I am considerably older than you!"

"Age hasn't exactly stopped perversion, especially the Greeks who you have taken an interest in, Mr. 'Rho Aias'! And believe me when I say I know that for a fact! Do I need to use another command seal to keep you from perving on me?!"

"No! Don't use that so recklessly! If you feel uncomfortable wear a longer skirt so you aren't flashing people below when I carry you! Ahhh, I cannot believe I am having this conversation…" Archer says with a hand at his head as his master covers her face.

"…Do I even want to know what ntr means?" Cu asks.

"Basically cuckoldry."

"Do I need to know any finer points to taunt him with it?" Cu asks with a smirk.

"Probably not, though ugly bastard is a common term for it too." Kazuma says with a grin and Cu raises his spear.

"Prepare to die you ugly bastard!"

"I am definitely not ugly!"

'…Well, this is a new shade of Hell I'm walking into…' Archer thinks before more footsteps approach.

"Please, Shirou, it is unsafe to go wandering aimlessly at this hour!"

"Stay away from me! You caused that-" Shirou and Saber stop when they see the other four. Saber readies her blade.

"Great, Queen Arthur is here…" Kazuma says.

"King! I did not lead battles to become Queen of the Britons!"

"Rin, we should leave. Even with Lancer in this questionable state, I don't think I can defeat Saber."

"Agreed…getting two servant's true names is enough of a victory so we should-"

A tree falling over and crashing to the ground catches their attention.

By the tree is a white haired child standing next to mountain of muscle with a stone blade bigger than most men.

"Oh my, three servants in one place? This war will be so much shorter than I expected. Get them Berserker~."

 

[Albedodragono]

Now only need him to trigger her with how Mordred was born lmao.

 

[Laath-]

Here comes Trashzuma, to sexually harass a (legal this time!) loli.

 

[goget]

I hope that Cu will remind Kazuma to make potions before the fight starts from now on.

 

[death734]

Thanks for the chapter, wordsmith.