Dolt (Jumpchain)

Criticism is always appreciated! This is the beginning of a chain where I want things to be...different. Enjoy!

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Pop.

“Hah. Whu-.... What?!”

And with that, entered a man of average build, average height, mousy coloured skin and black hair in a large vast throne room.

The man appeared bewildered and queasy. One moment, he was doing his grocery shopping back at his home town of Prescot in Merseyside, England and the next moment, he whooshed through a galaxy, catching glimpses of many different universes in trek across the warp, before landing on his backside in a wildly surreal place that would have convinced the man he had taken LSD.

But he couldn’t have taken LSD since it was clearly Tuesday 7:00 am in the morning back at his home, so how in the name of all things holy did he end up journeying across the galaxy and winding up in this weird place?

Speaking of the place, it was a massive throne room, almost the size of a city. The furniture around the man-- which were gold and ornately designed --were as tall as sky-scrapers. He appeared very miniature, as if he were a toy in a ridiculously huge doll house.

The far end of the throne room was dark. It was cloaked by a large vantablack shadow which gave the impression there was a large void lingering there, waiting to suck up everything in its vicinity.

The man wondered what was there in the far end. It looked very peculiar, as if it was trying to hide something--perhaps for a dramatic flair.

After pondering that question (literally 0.5 milliseconds later), a path of bright white light lit up, zig-zagging a few ways until it ultimately lead the way towards the vanta-black shadowed area.

It dispersed the shadows obscuring the area immediately, revealing what was being covered in a flamboyant fashion.

There was a thing-...no...a gigantic figure adorned in sleek golden armour and a large red cape, that sat on a white throne. The figure was as tall as the furniture that surrounded the man. This seemed to suggest that this was the figure’s throne room. This was its palace.

What astounded the man more was the size of the throne which was even taller than the man thought, as it seemed to reach for the ceiling into...

Wait.

There was no ceiling. This room was roofless, providing a window to view the vast galaxy swirling above.

Many many more questions were starting to form, but no answers were being provided. Someone needed to answer now otherwise the man would go insa-..

“Rejoice frail mortal” a deep grandiose voice spoke. The man turned his head around wildly, taken aback by an unknown source of sound-- the figure itself.

“Rejoice the gift that hast been given to thee” It spoke more.

‘wat’

“Rejoice the opportunity many would have gladly given their lives to have obtained, for you, oh frail mortal, are amongst the few that have been blessed with the grace OF BECOMING A JUMPER. You have the means to achieve what you could not have ever dreamed of achieving in your meagre world. You can acquire true power, charm, wealth and glory! With the opportunity that I am presenting to you, I am providing you with a second glorious chance at TRULY living. I have seen the mundanity of your life and I can suppose that it is woeful. I will extricate you from your prosaic existence and prepend some colour to your artless canvas of a soul!”

The figure had...a magnificent voice. He spoke with a solid boom, commanding the attention of all who ever had the pleasure of listening to it. He spoke with such elegance and finesse, the queen herself would bow down to him. He could literally lift the soul of any with his raspy dark voice alone.

Except, there was one problem.

“To understand the nature of the Chain, you have to know these important rules. First off-...”

“Uhh....sir?” the man softly spoke, trying to gain the attention of the Figure before him.

“...-Moreover, if die in your chain, your adventures will sadly come to an end. I suggest you find ways to keep yourself out of harms way with luck perks or something of that sort…-”

“Sir?”

“...There’s also that thing about companions. You can have a nigh unstoppable guild of warriors accompanying you in your chain though it is only limited to 8 per Jump. The rest get into a cryo-stasis pod where they sleep till the Jump ends and then they’re…”

“SIR! I CANNOT HEAR ONE WORD OF WHAT YOU ARE SAYING FROM WHERE I AM!” the man finally shouted, tired of the unexpected rambling of the divine figure before him.

“Hmm?”

The grand Figure stopped talking, mildly annoyed that he got his spectacular monologues interrupted by such a tiny frail thing.

‘Huh…’

Did this tiny frail thing just interrupt one of his speeches? No mortal who comes before him ever does that. Usually they’re taken aback by his divine presence they become completely speechless, as if they were mute from birth.

‘Interesting… you would make for a compelling adventurer’ the Figure whispered to himself.

“Wha-...? I can’t hear ya! Your voice sounds even lower than before! For a figure so majestic and omnipotent you sure can’t make your voice heard!”

“Heh...heh....heh...maybe I should send you to Sitcom CYOA and see what you’d...wait..WHAT DID YOU SAY???” bellowed the Figure who seemed to have finally paid attention to what words the man had spoken. “YOU DARE MOCK MY OMNIPOTENCE? I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I POSSESS POWER SO EXTREME YOUR TINY HUMAN PSYCHE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND EVEN 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% OF IT. I CAN CREATE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF SUNS WITH A SMALL CHIP OF MY NAIL. I AM ABLE TO REND HUNDRED QUADRILLION TRILLION SOULS FROM MULTIPLE DIFFERENT GALAXIES WITH A SINGLE INHALE. WHEN I HAVE A MIGRAINE, MY HEADACHES CAUSE (sixteen septillion, five hundred sixty-eight sextillion, four hundred thirteen quintillion, five hundred forty-eight quadrillion, four hundred sixty-five trillion, one hundred eighty-five billion, five hundred thirteen million, four hundred sixty-eight thousand, five hundred thirteen) MOONS TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY I’M SO PRECISE? IT’S BECAUSE I POSSESS OMNISCIENCE. I KNOW EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. I KNOW THINGS BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY BECOME THINGS. I KNOW THE WHAT THE VERY PURPOSE OF LIFE IS AND HOW TO DE-PURPOSE EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING’S LIFE IN 1 TRILLIONTH OF A SECOND. I CAN DESTROY WORLDS WITH A THOUGHT. I CAN DESTROY YOUUUR WORLD WITH A THOUGHT. WHAT SAY ABOUT THAT, CRETIN?! WHAT SAY ABOUT THE IDEA OF ME DESTROYING EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND LOVE JUST LIKE THAT?”

…
…
…
…?

The man was at a loss for words. The Figure was clearly a terrifying figure that shouldn’t be easily aggravated. Every boast The Figure made felt like there was real weight behind it. This thing was truly a powerful being…

“But…you can’t destroy my world.” the man said “My home is there.”

The Figure scowled “OF COURSE YOUR HOME IS THERE.”

“And my mum lives in my home.”

“PRECISELY.”

“And today is Tuesday Foodsday. I’m going to miss Tuesday Foodsday. Oh no”

“EXACTL-...huh? Did you just say you’re going to miss…”

“Tuesday Foodsday. It’s basically a grand meal me mum makes on Tuesday. Delicious stuff. Sweet potato parmesan tater tots with sriracha ketchup...mmmmmm”

A vein could be seen popping out of the Figure’s head.

“Seafood Paella or ratatouille if I get mum good veggies from Tesco. OoOoOOohh I feel famished even though I ate breakfa-...

“Okay okay okay s-stop talking tiny... thing…” The figure rubbed his forehead trying to make sense of the predicament before him. “After hearing about all of my feats, after hearing what I can do to your world, you’re worried about missing Tuesday…?”

“...Foodsday? Yeah I’m worried. Tuesday Foodsday’s great man.”

The Figure let out a huge galaxy destroying sigh. The man before him is simply retarded. He has no conception of the danger that sits before him. The Figure is omniscient, all knowing, all seeing, yet he cannot for the life of him figure out whether the man is literally trying to troll him or he’s just THAT dumb.

…

The ignoramus saphead is actually dumb.

Too occupied with other Jumpers to care, The Figure lets His Cosmic power blindly chose beings worthy of adventure by judging their spirit and by how long they would last a chain. Perhaps his Cosmic powers had chosen wrongly. Seeing how dumb this dolt is, it would be astonishing to see him last for a month in something as mundane as pokemon.

No, he decided that he would return this young man back to his home planet, wiping away whatever memory he had of this little encounter. It’s for the best. After all, he has a nice family to go back home to.

“GaaAaaAaah alright. I’m sending you back to your shoddy little town in...England. I doubt you could deal with the pressure of being my Jumper, as I send my adventurers into harsh settings-...Hey HEY HEEEEEEEEEEY WHAT IN THE BLAZES DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!!!?!”

The man trotted off towards The Figure’s skyscraper sized book-shelf. The books in the book shelf were not ordinary books at all. They were titanic tomes that had covers made of celestial bodies. These tomes essentially contained a universe in them, and if they were opened, The Figure could see the stories of everything from the universe. From it’s big bang to its big crunch.

“I saw a book here called One Punch Man in this shelf.” the man said cluelessly “Didn’t take you for a manga reader”

“NO. WAIT. DON’T TOUCH THAT BOOK”

“Hmm? What happens if I-..”

The man’s finger scraped against the celestial cover of the One Punch Man tome, and that was all it took.

____________________________________________________________________________

One Punch Man Jump

Starting CP: 1000+

 

Chapter 1: A Total Mistake

Starting CP: 1000+

“Shit shit shit” The Figure cursed to himself.

‘Who the fuck have I winded up with? No one gives me this much god-damn trouble.’

‘Alright, we can fix this. We can get him out of the Jump’

‘No fuck I can’t do that its too late. Fuck piss shit dick’

Starting CP: 1000+

‘Okay fuck what do I do. Should I let this dolt stay in limbo? No, that’s too cruel.’

Starting CP: 1000+

‘Alright I know I know...fuck...I just have to help him. Kay, One Punch Man...tough jump but Saitama makes things very easy for me. I’ll just have him become friends with-...’

Starting CP: 1000+

‘DAMMIT I KNOW I HAVE 1000 CP STOP REMINDING ME. Right, I need to focus. I can make him befriend Saitama for this one jump and then send him hom-...’

Starting CP: 1000+

‘...If you remind me...one more time...that I have one thousand character points...I will annihilate you…’
….
……
……..
………
………..
…………
………….
……………

‘Good’

Starting CP: 1000+

‘FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU YOU WORTHLESS ALGORITHM. YOU COULDN’T EVEN GET ME A PROPER JUMPER. FUCK OFF YOU FLAWED PIECE OF TECH. FUCK YOU FOR PUTTING ME INTO THIS SITUATION. FUCK YOU. FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU-...’

____________________________________________________________________________

One system crash later…
One system reboot later…
One system reboot failure later...
An actual eternity of cursing later…

---

STARTING CP: 1000+

Location: Hero Association HQ
Origin: Hero (100CP-900CP)


Skills:
RRRules (Free)
Holding Out for a Hero (100CP-800CP)
A Hero’s Resolve (300CP-500CP)
Saitama Likes You (600CP-[-100CP])

Drawbacks:
Bald (+100CP-0CP)

____________________________________________________________________________

‘Okay, this build should be good enough to help Dolt survive this jump. Alright, let’s do this.’

‘...’

‘...’

‘Why isn’t the Jump starting…’

‘...’

‘...’

‘Is there an issue with the progr-...’

‘Too many reboots corrupted the data…?’

‘What the…’

‘Oh wait oh ffuckFUCKFUCK NO WAIT DON’T ACTIVATE THAT BUILD shitshithsithsithsitshitshitFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-’

Initializing hardcore sequence...
Initializing hardcore sequence...
Initializing hardcore sequence...

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One Punch Man Jump

Starting CP: 1000+

Location: Slums
Origins: Criminal (100CP: 900CP)

Perks:
Product of SCIENCE! (300CP: 700CP)
Mighty Skill (500CP: 200CP)
A Hero’s Resolve (600CP: -400CP)

Drawbacks:
Hungry Hungry Mysterious Beings (200CP: -200CP)
It’s A Mysterious Being (300CP: 100CP)

---

Mosquito Girl was very careless, I’ll be fairly honest. She couldn’t keep her blood lust contained and look where it got her, splattered and stained against the wall like a mere bug. She was MORE than just a mere bug! Her mosquito swarm could suck an entire city off (and I’d let her succ me off too if youknowwhatiamsayin) so her defeat must’ve been the work of some of those crazy S-Class heroes. The site of her murder was far too gruesome to be the work of some B-Class hero. Maybe a collection of B-Class hero managed to deal this much damage? No, that wouldn’t make sense...

...The description given to us of our target--the murderer of Mosquito Girl-- was a bald, fair skinned, dull looking man. He was described to be naked when he was in the scene and he received the help of an equally devastating hero who happens to be a cyborg. What? Was the naked man about to stick his dick in a robot sex doll but got interrupted in the deed by Mosq Girl? Pffft

Well, these guys, they really didn’t sound like a collection of B-Class heroes. And they certainly don’t fit the description of any known S-Class hero.

Perhaps these guy’s are new S-Class heroes in the making? They’d probably be nightmares to deal with. We should put them down fast.

Heh.

I won’t have to worry about putting them down fast. Me and my colleagues are nightmares ourselves. Kamakyuri, Frog Man, Slugerous, Ground Dragon and the second most powerful being in the House of Evolution...Beast King. I’m powerful, the third most powerful to be exact, pardon my hubris. But Beast King man...the stuff he can do. He basically increases property prices by 200% whenever word gets out that he’s in an area.

This baldy and his cyborg boyfriend (no... robot boy toy...or...dildo...haha that’s funnier) they have no chance.

“Alright piss ants! Whoever takes the target down first gets to drink all the grub in the House of Evolution!” Beast King shouted, his pride seeping through his voice as if he thinks he can finish this baldy off in 58 seconds or something.

“Not if I get to him first!” I retorted. “I’m supernaturally good at taking people down from long distances and you know that you fat tiger oaf. I can take him down the moment I sense his presence. All that grub is going to be mine” I ecstatically slam my hands on my chest and smile at the thought of drowning myself in Dr.Genus’ Tuesday booze.

“Oh please, none of you can match my speeeeed. I’ll take him down in the blink of an eye!” Kamakyuri chided in.

Ground Dragon snorted “That’s if you don’t smash your glass head and spill parts of what remains of your tattered brain”

We all laughed. “Good one Ground Dragon!”

“Hey! It’s not like Dr. Genus had a choice when he designed me with such an obvious weak point.” Kamakyuri defended, running his mantis like hands across his glass head.

I put a hand on Kamakyuri’s shoulder “I think it’s obvious he wants to get rid of you. No wonder why you’re so speedy, he wants you to die faster!”

The raucous laughter echoed across the empty street.

“Shut it fancy-accented esper ape!”

“Ha ha ha...ha ha...haaa-...Wait hold on” I put my two fingers on my forehead.

I detected a presence. An overwhelming baldness that vibrated the air around the man’s body.

Slugerous caught on “Where? Where is he dude? Where is he you Dolt???”

I looked at an apartment, then tilted my head towards a balcony three stories high.

“Bingo, this is it. This has to be it.”

“Are you certain?” Ground Dragon questioned.

“I’m certain that apartment is where our target resides. That baldness is unmistakable. Quite remarkable even...”

“Alright fellas” Beast King clapped his hands. “We should probably lure these bastards-...”

A green blurred zipped by our group.

“HE’S MIIINNNEEEEEEEE”

The bastard Kamakyuri moved so fast, even we couldn’t anticipate his attack. Kamakyuri is going to get the jump on this bald bastard. No way he’ll see this coming.

Kamakyuri effortlessly smashes the ceiling of the apartment.

“Heh heh heh heh my name is-”

The bald one made a sudden movement. I felt the blast of air burst through the opening of the apartment. There was black smoke coming out of the opening. Kamakyuri used a fire attack? Or did he move so fast he generated heat around his body.

That bastard is bloody strong. Not even sure why I made fun of him. Dr. Genus sure has made a monster. Ah well he’s probably got the kill too so rip Tuesday grub.

“So...it seems our advanced agent Kamakyuri is down” Slugerous interjected

Frog Man and I looked bewildered.

“Wait wasn’t he one of our stronger guys?” Frog Man asked, not able to believe what he just heard..

Instinctively, I gathered a vast amount of my esper energy before blasting it on the ground to propel myself 5 stories up in the air. I kept myself afloat to observe.

As I stayed afloat in the air I sensed another movement. The bald guy’s comi-...no. There are two different energy levels now. Another guy? That cyborg?

A different blur very dissimilar from Kamakyuri’s just put down Frog Man and Slugerous in a blink. Following that was the cyborg with the rocket arms who landed just a second late. The two muttered something to each other, so I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to attack.

I grabbed two large chunks of concrete with both of my hands from the sides and hurtled down like a comet to the cyborg.

“Hey! Sod off, you!”

I spun my body around to smash the floating chunks of concrete onto his head, but the cunt jumped to my level and dodged the attack on time. He attempted to respond in kind by throwing a roundhouse kick, but I saw the attack coming and used a burst of air to propel him away, avoiding the kick hitting my face. Subsequently, this placed us both back on the ground.

“An ape with telekinesis?” the cyborg catechized, analysing my every nook and cranny with his yellow robot eyes.

“No. I’m more than that! Dr Genus has evolved me to lift the mental limitations of my formerly ape brain to make me...an ESPER! A supreme being, far more evolved than any regular human being. I’m better even!”

I tilted my head slightly to have a look at the target. He was very discernable so it was not too hard to notice him. Thanks to Ground Dragon’s maneuver, the shiny bald guy was pulled to the ground, making his head stick. Beast King who was missing for a while finally appeared and towered over his potential kill.

“I have a few questions” Cyborg boy blabbered

“I’m here for the target, out of my way tosspot!”

I grabbed the cyborg with my telekinesis and shoved him to a pillar towards my right. The metal cunt didn’t slam his body against the pillar like a good boy, rather he used his jet propulsion system to ease his crash into the structure first, before ramping the rockets up to 11 and kicking off from the pillar towards me, leaving a sizeable crater in the process.

I could push him back but he’s closing in fast. I needed a shield!

I took a quick deep breath, spread both my arms on either side, before crossing them over into an X shape, forming a powerful esper barrier.

The blonde tin-can man rocket punched the shield, barely denting it. I thought this was the end of his offensive but suddenly I felt a few valves in his arm turn before being greeted by a bloody fucking tornado of fire from his palm that sauteed the buildings and structures behind me. If I had put down my shield down for a micro-second, I would have become gorilla barbeque.

The fire storm stopped, but the rocket fist still pressed against my shield.

I let up the barrier, which jolted me back a few feet.

“I am the pinnacle of the House of Evolution Science. I am Esper Gorilla, your attacks have no effect...”

“House of Evolution? What does it want with my master?”

“That, my dear teenage robot cyborg, is none of your concern.”

I start advancing slowly towards the target.

“And it is our rule that any who oppose us will be eliminated without exception…”

I put my hands together and summoned psychokinetic energy to do my bidding.

“Therefore you will now be destroyed!”

The cyborg threw a brief gaze at his master before giving me a pensive look, ready to re-engage me.

“Bring it!” I taunted

____________________________________________________________________________

The bastard was pretty strong. He had me pinned against the wall, pointing his palms, ready to send in another fire blast. I felt my power flourishing but I’m not at my full strength, so that’s why this bastard got me good.

“You will answer the question, or you are going to be eliminated” the cocky metal cunt threatened.

“Your choice.”

I scoffed. “It is you who will be eliminated, you blithering fool. I’m not even at my full power, after all, I am the third most powerful fighter in the House of Evolution.”

I spat blood at his feet. “At your power level, you will never beat the Beast King, the second most powerful fighter. You will be destroyed-...”

“Is...this the guy you mean?”

A man with a bored voice casually approached, holding an eyeball

“I believe it is” the cyborg confirmed.

I couldn’t see the man’s face. The shine off of his head blinded me.

Wait, shine?

He’s...bald.

Is he...did he…BEAST KING???

But he’s...bald.

If, the second most strongest, couldn’t beat this guy, then how can I, the third most strongest, beat this guy

H-how

But he’s bald...

…

…

…

WAIT WHAT THE FU-...


“H-HEY LOOK I’M SORRY I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING”

____________________________________________________________________________

“So that’s it?”

“Y-yes that’s all I can say”

“Alright, we’re sparing your life. Thank you Esper Gorilla”
“N-no problem, Mr…?”

“Saitama, hero for fun”

“Right. Okay”

“Right, it’s best we head on our way. Genos?”

“Yes Master. Let us proceed.”

Saitama walks away, but Genos sticks behind.

“One more question.”

My body shudders. It can’t handle this stress anymore.

“Where are you from Gorilla?”

“Oh, I’m from Prescot, Merseyside, Englaaa-....”

...wait a minute

“Ah, that explains the accent. Dr. Genus probably implanted that accent into your psyche with his ‘evolutionary’ science. Or you’re actually some English guy who got kidnapped for his evil experimentation. You’re a long way from home pal.”

“Y-yeah. Very long way from home. Well then, have a good Tuesday ey?”

Genos looked at me with confusion.

“I thought it was Saturday?” Genos shrugged, then walked away.

It...It was Saturday? I thought today was Tuesday Foodsday. I was looking forward to that grub from ma-...

I don’t have a ma.

I don’t have a ma.

Why don’t I have a ma? I live in Prescot.

This isn’t Prescot. This is the slums of City Z.

…

In One Punch Man.

…

The manga/anime/webcomic.

…

A fictional world.

…

what the fuck am i doing in a fictional world.

 

This is pretty good stuff... but you should either repost it at the NSFW section or post it on SB or SV too 'cause I don't think that anybody visits this part.

I found this story when I clicked at the normal creative writing by mistake.