Handsome Jack: The Hero?

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 1: Welcome to Pandora

It was hard to breathe, I couldn't even open both my eyes. I tried to settle for one and blearily glanced down at myself to see my clothes covered in blood, most of it wasn't even mine. I felt a weight at my side and saw the body of a beautiful woman. She was caked in blood.

I don't- I don't remember what happened.

Did I do this?

Panic starts to set in, and if I wasn't struggling to breath, I'd probably be hyperventilating. Calm down. Calm down! I just gotta think, what happened?!

I look at my hands, and while they're bloody, they're unarmed. I couldn't have killed her. The thought almost brought me relief. Until it didn't.

Because if I didn't do this, who did?

The sobbing answered my question.

I looked up to see a young girl, she didn't even look ten years old. Angel, her name pops into my mind. How did I know that? How do I know her? I've never seen her before in my life. But she seems so familiar.

"Angel." I coughed out, trying to remember.

Her head shot up, and she gazed at me with frantic eyes. "Daddy?" She whispered. I tried to move, to tell her it was gonna be alright, but my body disagreed. I groaned in pain, and she jumped to her feet.

"Daddy!" She screamed, rushing towards me, and wrapping me tight in her arms, as far as they could reach anyway. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Daddy?

"It's okay." I soothe her, almost by reflex. "It's not your fault. It's gonna be okay."

She keeps apologizing desperately, crying into my blood-soaked shirt. "I was scared. I just wanted to go home!"

"We will." I told her breathlessly, fighting to remain conscious. "I promise. Everything's going to be alright." I smiled at her, trying to lift her spirits.

She still cries, but I think I could hear some choked sobs of relief now. I think. I guess it is kind of hard to tell the difference. Crying pretty much sounds the same however you do it. That and I'm definitely losing consciousness.

"Daddy?" Angel shakes me, looking worried.

I look up at her big, teary eyes, and before I pass out, I say the most important thing that I could have. "You're gonna have to call the hospital sweetie."

And then I fainted.

Heroically.

...​

'I gotta get away from there more often.' I thought to myself, coming home from another "Day in Paradise" from Hyperion.

I hate that place, but what am I gonna do? Quit? I got a family to look after. Plus, the pay is pretty great. Not that it's the main reason! Just a nice side benefit.

Besides, at least I get to come home from that Hellhole, to actual paradise.

"Captain Bear, who is a bear, he is a bear, Captain Bear." I heard Angel singing from behind the front door and smiled softly.

Who'd have thought? Me, of all people, a dad.

Good thing she took after her mother, she wouldn't be nearly as cute if she took after me.

"Hey Angel." I greeted her warmly, grinning down at her, and her toy bear. That's new. "And who is this guy?"

"Captain Bear!" She cheered, holding it tightly. "He eats crime." She added, like it was obvious.

I, of course, played along. "Well, he must eat a lot with that big belly, huh?" I asked her teasingly. A strange blue pattern on her left arm caught my eye, and my concern. "Angel, darling, what's uh, what's that on your arm?" I try to ask her nonchalantly. "Did you do that?"

"Blue!" She told me happily, while shrugging. "I don't know where it came from. Do you think it's pretty?" She asked me hopefully.

Oh no… "Yeah, sweetheart. It's… it's real pretty." I answer her cautiously. "Hey, uh honey?!" I call for my wife, as calmly but as urgently as I can. "Can you get in here for a minute?"

The memory's fading, but I can still feel the anxiety.

...​

"Stupid… goddamn… piece of crap asshole!" I screamed under my breath. Venting all of my frustration on the poor, broken, vending machine.

This wasn't good. Angel wasn't good!

Where did I go wrong?! How could this have happened? There are only six sirens alive at any moment in time. Why did one of them have to be my little girl? I fought back tears as the reality of the situation started to sink in.

"What's a "asshole"?"

Crap! I turned around abruptly, to see Angel waiting behind me. "Oh, Angel! Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't see you standing there." I could see her face scrunch up in confusion, and I realized what she just asked. "Uh- don't say any of those words that daddy said, okay?"

"Okay." She answered unphased. "Is the machine broken?" She asked, turning her gaze to the current source of my ire.

"Yeah. Looks like no candy for us." I muttered angrily. "Hey- why don't you go back to the waiting room with mommy, darling? The doctor's gonna be here any minute, okay?" Not sure how much help he can actually be. But at this point, I'd try voodoo.

"I think I can fix it." She told me uncertainly, but happy to try.

Angel waved her left arm, and her tattoos glowed. Then everything in the vending machine dropped out. No. No! "What…!" I choked, overwhelmed by shock. "... the hell did you just do?" I finished in panic.

"What's wrong, daddy?" She asked me, in worry and fear, and just a hint of sadness.

It's hard to remember what I said, what I did, but I remember the look on her face. I remember the terror I felt at that moment. But I wasn't afraid of her. I was afraid for her.

I knew what was coming.

...​

"Mommy! Daddy! Help!" Angel screamed in terror, tears running down her face. Fighting desperately against the bandit who held her.

"Look, you filthy bandit!" I shouted in anger. Calm down Jack, you need to be calm, you need to be strong for them. "Just- give us back our daughter, okay?" I asked in barely concealed rage.

"Are you kidding?" The large, disgusting bandit scoffed obnoxiously. "She's a freaking Siren. I'm gonna be a trillionaire! You and your wife get out of here before I sick my turret on you. Forget the kid, go make another one!"

Forget Tassiter, forget Grandma, I have never wanted to kill someone before so much as I did right now.

"No!" Angel cried. "I wanna go home!"

The bandit didn't like that. "Shut up, kid or I'll...!" He paused as Angel began to subconsciously use her powers on his turret. "Hey, what the…?" He backed up in fear as Angel lost control.

"I! WANNA! GO! HOME!" She screamed in anger, fear, and desperation. The turret obliged her. The bandit was ripped apart by his own turret. But it didn't stop there.

"Honey! Get down!" I yelled in worry, trying to pull my wife out of the line of fire.

But…

It was too late.

I did everything I could to save her, I tried to shield her with my own body, but she was just... gone… Angel killed them.

And as I looked down at my battered body, I realized she might have killed me too. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, I couldn't even open both of my eyes.

All I remember was hearing Angel painted breath, as she looked at what she had done. "...Mommy? Daddy?"

And then… Well…. I remember what happened after that.

But that name… Why did I call myself "Jack"?

...​

Breath, just breath. I opened my eyes, thank God I can see out of both of them now. And then I look around.

I'm in a hospital room, laying down in a bed I'm sure they designed to be uncomfortable. I can see Angel sleeping in a chair, all curled up. She's… my daughter.

I'm her father, Jack.

I'm Jack.

I know where I've seen this before! This is Borderlands! I'm in Borderlands! And I'm Handsome Jack… the bad guy.

Well that killed my good mood.

Too bad, I needed that, what with being in the hospital and all. Actually, speaking of, how bad was I hurt? My arms and legs feel fine, so I'm not crippled. Cool. My chest is still a bit sore, but I'm not bleeding out. That's a plus.

And my face… I hesitantly reach a hand to touch it, and yep… sure enough, that's not skin. I'm wearing the friggin mask, aren't I?

Honestly, that doesn't make any sense at all, Handsome Jack didn't wear the mask until Lilith "jacked" up his face. My face. Yup, that's uh- that's gonna take some getting used to. This has not been a good day.

I guess Angel probably heard me groaning because she's stirring awake. I see her eyes flutter open, before hazily looking at me. She saw me looking back, and instantly woke up. "Daddy?" She asked hopefully.

I smiled at her. "Hey kiddo." I said a bit raspy, guess my throat's a little dry.

Angel got teary eyes, full of joy, and rushed over to me. "You're okay!" She sounded so happy… if she knew who I really was… no. It doesn't matter, I'm Jack now.

"Yup, I'm just peachy." I tell her, trying to hide my sarcasm. I grabbed her shoulders and looked her over. "How about you, darling? Are you okay?"

She sniffed. "No." She rubbed her eyes and looked into mine. "Daddy, I'm so so-"

"Don't be." I told her, pulling her in for a hug. "It wasn't your fault, I know you'd never hurt us like that."

"But Mommy's-"

"Mommy's gone." I cut her off. "But she's in a better place, and I promise you, she doesn't blame you either."

Angel continued to cry into my arms a bit longer, before pulling back. She raised her hand and touched my mask. "I did this." She said, heartbroken.

"You couldn't control your powers." I consoled her. "You were afraid, and they acted out."

"But what if I-" She started meekly. "What if I lose control again?"

"You won't." I answer her gently. "We're gonna figure out how to use your powers, okay? Together."

"Okay." She lowers her hand.

I grab it firmly and give her the best smile I can. "Now give it to me straight Doc." I told her jokingly. "Am I still handsome?"

She giggled. "You never were."

"Oh, no!" I gasped in mock horror. "Can this day get any worse?!"

"Yes, sir." Angel answered solemnly, betrayed by her smile.

"What's that Doctor?"

"Well Mr. Dad." Angel replied in her best "Doctor" voice. Ha, she thinks my name is dad. "I'm afraid you're dying, and you don't have much time."

"How awful! How long do I have?"

"Ten." She answered, trying to hide her smile.

"Ten what? Months, weeks, days?" I asked her playfully.

"Ten... nine… eight... seven-" Angel counted down, only to be interrupted by me tickling her. "Daddy!" She exclaimed joyfully. "Stop!"

"If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me!" I announced while laughing, as she tried to tickle me back. "Easy, kiddo, I'm the one in the hospital."

She didn't seem to mind, she was pretty relentless. "It stops when you give up!" She jokingly threatened.

I just chuckled and raised my hands. "Okay, okay. I surrender, sweetie." I smile down at her for a moment. "Hey, why don't you get the nurse so I can pay the bill and we can leave this joint."

"Okay, daddy." She was about to leave, but she stopped to give me a tight hug. "I love you."

"I love you too, Angel." I told her sincerely. "Don't worry, alright? Everything is gonna be fine."

...​

Everything is gonna be fine.

Her dad said so, so it's gotta be true. He wouldn't lie to her. Angel didn't have any doubts about that. But she was still pretty worried.

She was scared.

But not as much as she was when- when her mom died. She couldn't control her powers, she couldn't herself. And her mom died because of it, and her dad…

Angel loved him, and she was so glad he was still alive. But he seemed… different. A good difference. Not counting the mask… at least he didn't seem too worried about it.

Maybe she's overthinking it.

Her dad was okay, at least he was okay as he could be. And he didn't blame her for what happened. Not that it stopped her from blaming herself. Every time she looks at him from now on, at his face… at the mask of his face, she's going to remember what she'd done.

It was still so much better than it could have been. For a moment there, a very scary moment, she was worried that she killed them both. That the two people she loved most in the world were gone because of her.

Angel really missed her mom.

She couldn't believe that she was really gone. It all happened so fast.

At least she still had her dad. And he was right, they're going to figure out how to control her powers. They had too.

...​

Author's Note: Semi Important, read if you want.

I'm already about forty-nine chapters ahead on Fanfiction.Net and SpaceBattles with this fic, and another five on Patreon. I'm only going to be posting one chapter a day on this site, until it's caught up with the others, so, if you want to catch up, feel free to check it out over there. Oh! And if you wanted to support me on Patreon, please do! Here's the link:

My Patreon

 

[deadreeper]

Glad you posted here as it reminded me of this story I stopped reading a long time ago when I got to the last ch at that time and forgot about it after waiting for bunch of new ch.

 

[Despacitoleo]

yay borderlands fanfic

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 2 Get to Know Jack

Heterochromia.

It's the technical term for having two different eye colors. It had something to do with genetics, but I didn't pay that much attention in class. It's what Jack- what I have. Or had, I guess. Doc said the shrapnel took out my original eye, so they hooked me up with an Echo eye.

These Echo products, pretty nifty. They're virtually the high-tech Apple products of the galaxy, or android or whatever you crazy kids are using nowadays. Not Samsung though, never Samsung.

Anyways, the new eye is still pretty cool, they even made it the same color. They also issued me the mask of my own face. And let me tell you, it is as iconic as it is ridiculous.

I'm still not sure why the original Jack wore it, he could have easily gotten plastic surgery. Instead he had a mask that looked and acted just like his face, stapled to his face. Of course, now that I'm wearing it, I kind of get it.

It is super comfy.

'Didn't stop it from looking a little off though.' I reflected to myself, as I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Of course, the mask wasn't the only strange thing about today's attire. The black suit, the tie, the flowers. Well, that means I'm either going to a wedding or a funeral.

"Dad?" Angel called softly, down the hall.

I'll give you a hint, it's not a wedding.

I sighed to myself, as I straightened my tie, and picked up the flowers. "Yeah, sweetie?"

"When does the funeral start?" She asked, despondent.

"A couple of hours." I told her carefully, trying to see if I could make this… any of this easier for her. "We won't miss it." I said firmly.

"Okay." She seems to hesitate, before asking me carefully. "How long do I have to wear this?"

I know she didn't mean that little black dress, though I could tell she was practically squirming in it. She was looking at her left arm, her seemingly unmarked left arm.

"Angel," I start gently. "We talked about this…"

A couple of days after we left the hospital, I got the bright idea to cover up her tattoos. Of course, I first thought of doing it by making her wear a jacket, or long sleeve clothes everywhere, which wasn't my brightest idea.

Mainly because we live on Edan 5, which was primarily a garden world- err moon, whatever. Either way it's practically just a mildly warm and a little bit breezy kind of environment on an orb floating in space. It's also not really a place for coats.

Thankfully, I remembered a trick that an old friend showed me. He was going to an interview, and had to cover up his tats, they were not classy. So, he used this alcohol activated makeup, it's water resistant so you'd need a special product to get it off.

So, a bit of concealer here, some dabbing there, and presto! One completely normal looking little girl that is most definitely not a Siren.

It can't actually stop her powers, but at least now she won't be kidnapped on site.

Baby steps.

I just wish Angel agreed. "I like my tattoos." She complained. Looking a little pouty, in that adorable way all grumpy kids seemed to manage.

I just grinned and reached a hand down to mess up her hair. "C'mon kiddo, it's not so bad. When you're older, you'll want to use makeup all the time." I mocked, trying to switch topics subtly.

"Dad!" Angel screamed annoyed. But at least I got her to smile.

"I'm serious." I added, holding back a laugh. "Soon enough, you'll be spending your college tuition on designer clothes, and expensive lotions and shampoos you could've gotten at the Dollar Store."

"Stop." She demands, while giggling.

"Okay, darling." I "reluctantly" tell her. Crisis averted. "You ready? We should probably head out soon, don't want to miss our flight."

"Ready." Angel answered immediately.

Oh really?

"Are you sure?" I asked her half teasingly, half serious.

"Yes."

"Are you sure, you're sure?" I checked again.

"Yes." She answered a bit annoyed.

"Okaayy." I drawled. "Let's go-"

"Wait!" Angel interrupts, before rushing back to her room.

Kids.

She comes back about two minutes later, looking a little flustered, but satisfied. "Ready." She repeats, a bit more genuinely this time.

I bent down and gave a light, but enthusiastic punch to her shoulder. "That's my girl!" I cheered. Getting one last smile out of her. "Now come on, we really don't want to miss this."

Yeah… that flight I'm talking about, it's not a plane. It's a ship, a spaceship. I'm going to friggin space! For a funeral for my dead wife…

Man, it is just so easy to kill the mood, right?

Whatever, I'm still pretty excited! How many people can say they've been to space! Well, like besides from the people here. Nevermind, this is gonna be great. Really great, it's all just so great.

...​

'This isn't as great as I thought it'd be.' I thought to myself, moodily.

Did I say moodily? I meant something cool like, broodingly, and enraged, or… yeah, okay. I'm moody. You happy? Great, cause I'm not.

Forget what I said, it doesn't matter if your flight is on a plane, a spaceship, or the stairway to heaven. Having so many other people to deal with and talk to just really kills the amazement. This was supposed to be fun for me.

They murdered my fun.

It will be avenged… or not. I'm not actually Handsome Jack. There's a difference between justified and petty. Although, if I'm being honest…

I'm starting to remember more.

Hell, I'm feeling more, thinking more. Jack's thoughts, his memories, his brain,that stuff's catching up. Nothing uber important yet, just the basic stuff you know.

His birthday, Angel's birthday, how to code the crap out of Hyperion's network, my grandma drowning my kitten after I forgot to clean my bed... Those last two weren't very basic, huh. Whoops!

I might be catching his personality too… nah. I've always been a bit of an asshole, but at least I'm funny about it! Then again, so was Jack…

Well, at least I haven't killed a lot of people for no reason! Not being a mass murderer is one of my greatest qualities! My mom would be sooo proud.

Anyways, that's enough introspection crap, for now. Let's talk more about this flight, yeah?

We're going to Edan 6! One of the other floating orbs going around Edan, wish is technically a gas giant and not a planet. So, I'm not even sure if Edan 5 or Edan 6 are technically moons. Which by the way, what creative names, am I right people?

Man, the writers were lazy.

Unless this is a legitimate theme, though, that makes me wonder if this is like an actual rule. Because if it was, shouldn't Pandora's moon have been called Pandora 2 or something?

These are questions that will never be answered. But will continue to be asked.

Speaking of questions that haven't been answered, I should probably mention why we're going to Edan 6. As you know, it's for a funeral, specifically my wife's funeral.

Elizabeth Jakobs.

Exactly what it sounds like, and that kind of shocked me too. Also, for the record, she was the Jakobs. Not me. I'm still just Handsome Jack, let's try not to make it any crazier than that.

Anyways, she had a bit of a falling out with her family. But in the event that she died, which she did, she wanted to be buried on her home world. So, that is where Angel and I are headed.

Not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about any of this. A part of me is hurt, probably the part of me that's still Jack. But my only memory of Elizabeth, is trying to protect her from a hail of bullets with my face. And failing.

Maybe I could try to shed a couple of tears, for Angel's sake.

...​

I couldn't think.

I was one of the smartest people alive. I was the brightest mind in all of Hyperion. I was- I was the best dad ever, according to the mug, Angel made for me.

But for all of that, I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't figure a way out of this. I couldn't take away her powers. I couldn't help my daughter.

I've never felt so useless in my entire life.

In the end all I could do was sit on my bed and try to fight back my tears. It was hopeless, there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

"Jack." My wife called to me softly, gently rubbing my shoulders from behind me. "It's okay."

"No, Liz." I try to pull away, but she holds me firmly. "None of this is okay."

"It will be." She soothes me. "I know how hard this is for you. You're a fixer, Jack. When you see something wrong you always try to make it right."

"How am I supposed to make this right?" I scoffed.

"You can start by checking on Angel." Elizabeth suggested smoothly.

I try to argue. "I told you! I don't know anything about Sirens-"

"She's more than just a Siren, Jack." Elizabeth interrupts me. "She's your daughter, and right now she needs you." I could feel her shifting off the bed, as she grabbed my chin, and turned me to face her.

She was as beautiful as the day I met her, those clear gray eyes, that pearl smile. Well, she's frowning right now, but I know it's there.

I sigh to myself, before looking back at her. "You're right."

"I'm always right." She corrected, with a small smile.

Turns out her smile was infectious. "I know." I got up and made for the door. "I'll go talk to her."

Before I made it too far, she grabbed my hand. "Jack, I mean it." She told me sincerely. "It's going to be okay, you'll figure something out. And tomorrow, we'll go out for a walk in the park. Just like always."

"With ice cream?" I ask cheekily.

Elizabeth chuckled. "With ice cream." She nodded in confirmation.

I bent down and kissed her. "Sound like a plan, hun."

"And Jack?"

"Yeah Liz?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I remember how happy I was that night because she was there with me. Because she could find something completely hopeless and turn it around. She might've called me a fixer, but she was the real healer.

The next night we all went to the park. Me, her, and Angel, we had a great time, had some laughs, got some ice cream… and then she was killed. Because I couldn't save her.

Maybe she was wrong. I can't seem to fix anything.

Dad. "Dad. Dad!"

"Ah!" I startled awake, panting slightly. I could feel someone nudging me and turned to my left. "Angel, sorry about that, you uh, you okay?"

Angel looked a little guilty. "Yeah dad. We're almost there, thought you should know."

"Cool." I said after a moment. "That's great, let's get ready to bounce."

"Okay." Angel hesitated a bit. "Are you okay, dad?"

"Of course, darling." I rub my eyes a bit. "Just a little tired."

Angel doesn't seem to buy it, though she doesn't push it any further. Something I'm glad for. I apparently found another good use for this mask.

They're pretty good at hiding tears.

...​

"Jack." Montgomery Jakobs greeted me briefly, probably feeling as awkward as I did.

"Hey, Monty." I reply, as I mentioned, awkwardly.

I think I mentioned it before, but I'll say it again. Elizabeth and her family were a bit estranged. I don't really know how or why, I never- that's to say, Jack never asked. He didn't want to bring up any touchy subjects. Which, on that note. Guess who's memories finally cracked their way into my skull.

"You look… different." Montgomery noted, escorting me and Angel to the Wake.

"Yeah." I said deadpanned. "New hairstyle."

"I uh, meant-"

"I know what you meant." I cut him off, the mask was a little off putting, but not as bad as what's under it. But yeah, thanks Monty. I try to ease the tension and suddenly for the first time ever, jokes don't help.

The CEO of the Jakobs family, everyone. It's a bunch of low-tech weapon crap, but it'll kill things good and dead. In fact, I think that's their slogan. Not mine though.

Hyperion for life.

"So, this is Angel?" Christ, this guy would just not- wait. Perfect.

"Yeah!" I answer enthusiastically. "Hey Angel, this is your Grandpa, come say hi." I order her, as is my fatherly right.

She kind of peeps her head out from around my leg. "Hi." She greeted quietly. Angel, you are disappointing me. I need you as a buffer between me and awkward small talk!

"Well hello there, darling." Grandpa Jakobs, the futuristic Colonel of KFC, fortunately doesn't seem to mind. "You know, your momma told me all about you."

Doubt it.

But Angel seems to buy it, she tentatively goes around my leg, and strikes up a conversation with Colonel Buy More Guns. SCORE!

I knew having kids would pay off one day!

… I just didn't think it would be by distracting my father-in-law so I could avoid making awkward small talk at my wife's funeral. But you know what they say… life's full of surprises…

I need a drink.

...​

Montgomery Jakobs wasn't quite sure what to make of Jack.

He was every bit the ass he imagined him to be, but at least the man had a sense of humor. At first glance, Montgomery wasn't sure what his daughter could've seen in him. Of course, at first glance, all he really noticed was the mask.

The mask he apparently wore because his face was horrifically scared after he tried to save Elizabeth. So maybe he judged him too soon, and a little harshly.

Jack was good to that daughter of his too. Almost reminded Montgomery of himself and Elizabeth, in what feels like a lifetime ago now. Except, he always had Maggie's help, and he still messed it up.

Oh, Elizabeth.

He didn't know where he went wrong with her. Of all the regrets he had in his long life, never getting the chance to apologize, to tell her he loved her one last time. That was his biggest and deepest regret.

It wasn't too late to make things right though.

He had a granddaughter, Elizabeth's girl.

Angel and boy did she live up to her name.

He couldn't do anything for Elizabeth now, much as he wished he could. But he could be there for Angel now, and as long as he can.

That's what the Jakobs family is all about. That's what life's all about. Doing what you can for the people you love, in the time you have left.

...​

A/N: Semi-important to not at all, read at your own risk

Not going to lie, I'm pretty flattered by all the attention. Hope you all enjoyed today's chapter! If you want to read up to chapter thirty-six, please free to catch up on FFN, where I have the story posted with the same title and username. If you want to read up to five chapters after that, feel free to check out my Patreon, with the link below:

My Patreon

P.S.

Sorry for the late update. My wi-fi was not my friend today.

 

[Despacitoleo]

Lets go baby daughter time

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 3 It's a New-U! (Again)

"So, this is it, pumpkin." I informed Angel carefully, turning her attention to the chair that in another life, she was terrified of.

"Are you sure it'll work?" This Angel, however, was more nervous than scared. I guess that's good.

At least I'm handling it better than the original Jack. Not that he set the bar particularly high. Still though, being a dad is hard. Especially when your kid has the power to command everything electronic with her mind, and you work at a primarily weapon-making company.

I've tried to make this process go by nice and smooth. I waited a couple of months after the funeral before I even made the chair. And I let Angel know what it'll do ahead of time. She knows what to expect, but I'm still a bit worried…

"Angel," I put my hand on her shoulder, and continued only when she looked up at me. "Are you sure you're ready? We don't have to do this if you're not sure."

Maybe I wasn't the dad she had her entire life, but I'm the dad she has now. Besides, as exhausting as it is to raise a kid on my own, didn't stop me from caring about her.

Angel breathes in slowly, and exhales. "Yes." She still seemed a bit nervous, but she was ready. As much as she could be I guess, there are just some things we can't ever really prepare for.

"It'll work." I assured her.

"How do we start?" She asked, looking a bit confused.

"You just sit down. It'll handle things from there." I told her confidently, and I was very confident. Over the last couple of months, Jack's memories, his intelligence, they've started to become mine. My brain went into overdrive, and I turned the concept into a reality.

That chair is connected to every Hyperion satellite, even the ones I don't have clearance too. It's been uniquely modified and outfitted to respond to Angel's Phaseshifts. Not only would she be able to control her powers, she would be able to change the world.

We'd change the universe. Just like I promised, and then some.

"Okay." Angel started tentatively, sitting down lightly, like she was worried the chair was a landmine. But as she finally seated, she started to calm down. Until the controls started up. "Woah!" She yelped, almost jumping out of the chair, but I held my hand on her shoulder to keep her in place.

"Easy. kiddo." I soothed her. "It's just powering on, everything's fine."

Angel eased up and sat back down. "Okay, okay…" She trailed off, as she finally synched up with Hyperion's network. "Woah." She breathed in amazement.

"Woah." I agreed with a grin. "That is the entire Hyperion satellite network. Every stream, every site, every inch of the universe as we know it, and you get to see it all. Best seat in the house, right?"

"Yeah!" She agreed excitedly. "What should I do?"

Hmmm. Got it. "Well you know, I always wanted to see our house from space. Try to pull it up on my monitor." I ask, turning my console around so she can see.

She closed her eyes in concentration for a moment, before opening glowing blue eyes. I can also see the glow coming from her left arm. If we hadn't covered up her tattoos, that would have looked a lot cooler. "Executing Phaseshift." She spoke, and the world obeyed.

I watched in awe as Eden 5 came into view on the monitor. I got to admit that was awesome, but it's also something I could have done back home on google maps. "Nice work, darling." I praised her, and she metaphorically and literally glowed at the attention. "Try zooming in."

"Okay." She eagerly accepted. Bringing our city, and then our house into view. She had a smug look on her face, but I'd say it was well earned.

"Awesome!" I cheered her, raising my hand for a half five that she happily returned. "Be honest, have you been practicing?"

She seemed flattered but shook her head. "No, dad." She smiled in denial.

"Well, I guess my girl's a natural." I boasted. She just rolled her eyes with a smile.

"What's next?" Angel asked, all traces of nervousness gone.

I just smiled. "I've got a few ideas."

...​

Fast Travel hasn't been invented yet.

Can you believe that? Only about three years away from the big event, the opening of the Destroyer's Vault. And one of the most integral parts of the story, just did not exist.

Well we can't have that, can we?

I've been working on this for months, if it wasn't for having Jack's intelligence, it would probably have made as much sense to me, as shirts did for psychos.

I did get why they wore masks though, they're pretty much the fashion trend of the century. It's like putting a onesie on, right out of the drier. It's cozy. Probably not as wholesome, but who cares, this is Borderlands not a Christmas special.

Any WAYS!

I made the first ever prototype of the Fast Travel network. And after I finish the second prototype of the Fast Travel, we can actually test it out.

When I say we, I'm actually talking about some of the ratches I… persuaded the janitor, into letting me experiment on.

That sounded too ominous didn't it? Okay, I paid him $20, and I told him I wanted to use them as lab rats before I killed them myself… What? This isn't immoral, everyone does animal testing.

Plus, they're ratches. Have you seen them? Absolutely disgusting, makes me just want to murder every last one of them. Joking!

Maybe.

Let's move the focus back to Fast Travel, okay? Terrific. So, Angel's helped me set them up, and with just a few more finishing touches, we'll get to see how these bad boys work!

...​

"Halt!" Screamed the annoying, digitized voice, of a soulless, waste of scrap, robot. Or as I know them…

Claptraps.

You know it's weird, I always thought they were kind of funny, even endearing, back when I was playing the game. But now that I'm living it, I can see why Handsome Jack tried to kill them all.

Not that I will… maybe?

No… sadly that would probably make me too evil. "What?" I hissed out, annoyed at being interrupted by one of them of all things.

"I can NOT let you in without the proper clearance!" The Claptrap exclaimed pompously.

This egotistical bucket of- calm down Jack, happy thoughts. "It's my office." I said instead, trying to control my temper.

"Ohhh..." The idiotic robot accepted at face value. So. Incredibly. Incompetent.

Although this was my office. Also, this is the fifth time I've had this conversation, and I'm pretty sure it's still the same Claptrap. I rolled my eyes and pushed past it as I walked into my office.

"Wait! Stop, I need to see your ID!" The Claptrap made to follow but stopped as it got to the steps leading to my office. "Well, I've done all I possibly can." It immediately quits with a small shrug.

'God those things are useless.' I thought, irritated, as I slammed the door. I can only put up with them for so long. "Angel, are they ready?" I asked her after setting down the small cage of ratches I disguised with a cardboard box.

"Yeah, dad." She answered, sitting at my desk chair. She gave me a look. "You should be nicer to them." She scolded, in mention of the Claptraps.

"I was nice." I argue. "I didn't even threaten to dismantle it once." Angel just chuckled, like I said something funny. Oh, she thought I was kidding. That's nice.

And of course, she'd like them. Kids love annoying things.

Namely me. "So. let's get these tests started." I suggested, quickly trying to change the subject. I took the cage out of its clever disguise of a cardboard box, the ratches viciously fighting against the bars.

"You'll need to place one on the travel pad." Angel gestured to our altered digistruct matt we made for the Fast Travel. "And…" She hesitated. "It'll need to be one, I've run the scenarios, it won't end well if more than one person tries to use it at the same time."

I grimaced. "Yeah, great." We've already tested it out on a couple of objects, and that worked well enough. But bio testing is really what'll make or break it.

I put on some leather gloves I bought for the occasion, and carefully opened the cage. Then I quickly grabbed one and shut the cage before the other ratch got any funny ideas.

Meanwhile the ratch I was holding fought, scratched, and bit against my grip, and I all but chucked it at the travel pad. "Angel, now!" I nervously ordered as the ratch got back up and moved to pounce.

Before it could, it vanished. I let out a breath of relief and took the cardboard box and brought it to the other Fast Travel in the room. I'd need something to catch it.

We waited one moment.

Then another.

And another.

I sighed in disappointment. "Angel-" I was cut off by the small flash of light and sound, as the ratch reappeared dazed. While it was confused I pounced at it with the box.

It squirmed in disagreement, but I counter argued by pressing the matter of my boot against its head in a repeated fashion on top of the box.

I panted for a little, before turning back to Angel, with a huge smile. "It worked!" I cheered. Lifting her up and twirling her around in celebration.

"I told you so!" She shouted, equally excited.

"Never doubted you for a moment." I replied, holding her up in my arms proudly. "Come on, let's get some ice cream. We earned it."

...​

We did it! And now, we just gotta sell it.

Shouldn't be too hard right? Wrong.

First I'm going to have to make it pass Assiter who I know from Jack's memories, and mine, to be a complete dick head. And if I try to go through him, he'll steal the credit, and I'll get bupkis.

So, I need to go around him to the people who matter, the executives. The board of directors, shouldn't be too hard, right? Wrong.

I love correcting people. Although I did have an idea or two I kind of liked…

Let's make this happen.

...​

Maxim Turner fought not to groan as Harrold Tassiter, the current CEO of his beloved company, babbled on. He lost interest a good hour and a half in, as the man started to rant less about their company's success, and more about its faults.

As if he needed to be lectured on that. Turner was the reason Hyperion even existed, let alone why it was the superpower it was today. If it wasn't for his bankrolling, his resources, this company would have been steam rolled.

He glanced to his left, and saw that Alma Harren, his "co-founder" seemed about as interested in Tassiter's speech as he was. Not in the slightest. She didn't show it of course, and if Turner hadn't known her better, he would have assumed she was listening with rapt attention.

Sadly, he did know her better. Her experience in the Corporate Wars, perfected her ability to ignore all distractions and focus on her target. No doubt she was fantasizing about killing Mr. Tassiter. Oh, if only he could let her.

Turner looked to his right, and this time he did groan. Lawrence De Quidt, their creator, the founder of the artificial intelligence branch. Prototyping the robots that now littered their company. And of course, the man couldn't possibly be bothered to pay attention.

Instead his eyes were glued to his echo, most likely examining the faults with their latest batch of Claptraps. Lawrence claimed he was trying to fix their personality flaws, but for a man of his reputation, he was making tremendously little progress.

And even with the defects to their coding, Turner was certain that Lawrence still preferred their companionship then human's. If he were a lesser man, he might have shuddered in disgust.

"Excuse us, sirs!" Speak of the defective little devils… "We have a package for you!" The lead Claptrap shouted excitedly.

"...Well?" Turner asked, after the Claptrap continued to stand there.

"Well, what?"

"Bring it in." Turner demanded, frustrated with the annoying robot.

"Okay!" It agreed cheerfully. It continued to stand there, waiting.

"Are you going to get it or not?" Lawrence asked harshly, ashamed of what he created.

"Ohhh, did you mean now?" The robot asked stupidly.

"Yes." Alma said bluntly

"You got it!" The Claptrap exclaimed. It and the other little abominations wheeled in a strange looking machine, then it tripped over itself. "Ah! Help, I have fallen and cannot get up!"

Tassiter finally acknowledged the droids with a roll of his eyes. He waved a hand at the other two mistakes. "Take it away." He commanded, gesturing to the fallen Claptrap.

They all breathed easier for the removal of the truly incompetent robots. As Turner regained control of his temper, and his smile, he looked at the machine bemused. "What is it?"

"So glad you asked, Mr. Turner!" A voice called out through an echo recorder, strapped to the machine. It then projected the hologram, of one of their employees, wearing... a mask of his face?

"John?" Tassiter recognized him immediately, his surprise only matched by his annoyance. "What are you-"

"Harold, Harry boy, how many times do I have to tell you?" The hologram cut him off, making Turner's smile a tad more genuine. "It's Jack, why don't you try reading the nameplate? Oh, I'm sorry, that was insensitive. I know reading's a challenge for you." Jack mocked him relentlessly.

To Turner's growing amusement, Tassiter's face turned scarlet. "How dare-?!"

"Tassy seriously, I'd love to play twenty questions with you, but the grownups are talking right now." Jack interrupted. Turner was starting to like this one.

"You have our attention." Turner spoke amused, for the three of the board members.

"Well I for one am thrilled." Jack commented cheerfully, completely ignoring Tassiter. "And might I add that it's such an honor to speak to the three of you."

"Lawrence De Quidt, the man behind the machines." Jack complimented their head of artificial intelligences.

Lawrence didn't respond, he merely basked in the praise, like the narcissist he was.

"Alma Harren," He continued, turning his attention to their weapon designer. "The mercenary who couldn't miss, any chance I could pay you to aim at Tassiter?" He questionly jokes, though he waited for her reaction

Alma had a small, smug smile, and gave a joke in return. "It would cost more than your salary could afford."

"Of course." Jack agreed with a small chuckle, before facing him. "And Mr. Turner-"

"Flattery will get you nowhere, if you're trying to interest me Jack." He interrupted with his own, scary smile. "You've been a… welcome distraction, but nevertheless, still a distraction. Please, speak your piece."

"All too happy to, sir." Jack complied. "Mr. Tassiter if you managed to listen to him past the first five minutes, raised a damn good point. Hyperion's fallen behind, now it's not our fault, it's not even Atlas's. It's the Vaults."

Jack paused for dramatic effect, and leaned down closer to them, placing his holographic hands on the table. "What Tassiter wants us to do is play their game. He wants us to waste Hyperion resources looking for a Vault, without a clue where to go. Well you wanna hear what I have to say?"

He shot up off the table. "Screw THAT!" He yelled, startling all of them. "Let Atlas and Dahl, and all the other schmucks out there dogpile each other, looking for them. And when the time comes, we'll use them as a stepping stone to open our own."

Everyone's eyes were on him now, Lawrence looked at Jack with admiration in his eyes. Alma seemed impressed, and even Turner was intrigued. Tassiter was practically fuming, but he went ignored. "In the meantime, we offer the people something the Vaults can't."

"Like what, John?!" Tassiter spat.

Jack only grinned, before his hologram disappeared. The echo recorder he left transmitted the rest of his message. "Handsome Jack, on behalf of Hyperion, introduces you to-" And before anyone could react, the machine sounded and Jack- Handsome Jack appeared in the conference room.

He smiled smugly, straightened his hair, and crossed his arms. "The Fast Travel." He finished smoothly. He turned one final time to Maxim Turner. "So, tell me Mr. Turner, are you interested now?"

Maxim Turner's impossibly wide smile grew a bit larger at that.

...
​

I reappeared on the other side of the Fast Travel and struggled to steady my breathing. That was the most nerve wracking- most terrifying thing I had ever done.

But even still I couldn't stop smiling.

All that confidence, everything I just did, it had to be Jack. In my old life, if I had talked that way about my boss, with only a decent product to show for it, I'd have been out a job faster than you could say "Severance check?"

But here, in this life…

Let's just say I don't think it'll be too long before I'm running the show. All I gotta do is get Tassiter out of the picture. I'd like to do it without killing him but given the things he'd done. It wouldn't eat away at my conscience.

"How'd it go?!" Angel, my little miracle worker asked me excitedly.

I tried to kill my smile but couldn't so I looked away. And at a glance I could tell she was getting worried. I kneeled down and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Angel," I said with fake sadness, while she was getting concerned. "They loved it!" I continued happily, hugging her tightly.

"Dad!" She started to complain but my joy was infectious, and pretty soon she hugged me back. "I knew you could do it."

"Darling, I've probably said this about a million times, but I'll say it again. I couldn't have done any of this without you." I remind her sincerely.

"I love you, dad." She said lovingly.

"I love you too, Angel." I ruffle her hair a bit. "C'mon, let's go home."

And as we walked out of the office, I made sure to grab a file I left Angel in charge of, my literal game changer. You see, for the narrative purposes in Borderlands, the New-U wasn't cannon. It didn't exist. Which is why Roland, and Handsome Jack, and who knows how many others, died permanently.

But with a little innovation, and a lot of money, I might make a couple of changes.

The New-U sponsored by Handsome Jack!

I like the sound of that…

...​

A/N

I was so excited to make an immortality machine way back when I originally drafted this chapter. But I ended up not doing that for narrative reasons. The plot loses some of the punch where there aren't some stakes on the line.

Hope you all enjoyed! Stay tuned in tomorrow to read the next chapter. Or check the fic out on FFN, where I have up to thirty-six chapters for you to read through, right now. And if that isn't enough for you, you can also check out my Patreon, where I'm all the way up to forty-one chapters!

My Patreon

 

[Despacitoleo]

Yaaaaaay also are we recruiting the OG Claptrap

Spoiler: Spoiler of claptraps feats

Cause he has lots of goodies in him hell treat him like a friend and a close ally and the DEATHTRAP inside of him will be chill with you


Even without the military AI in him claptrap is technically one of the strongest characters in the borderlands series canonically


Like the time he made a giant army and rebelled against hyperion and genuinely was a threat to the galaxy

Or the time he went into ghost ship haunted by the shipwrights to find a made up pear of infinite knowledge battled a wizard escaped with Paul and stoke a scroll of knowledge thay leads to the pearl leading to a alternate dimension whoch he leaves IN FRONT OF THE PLAYER goes to a vortex or "inamagible colors and shapes"


Escaped the alternate dimension with a eldritch entity and he left after making a deal thrb gave the player the pearl of infinite knowledge as a wedding gift
WHICH HE FOUND a made up pearl
Whoch gage told him to find to keep him away from the wedding



Claptrap is busted he could have been a galaxy wide threat if thr vault hunters didnt stop job and thays without the super soldier program

Crossed dimensions fought ghost pirates wizards and traveled across essentially cuthulus backyard before bargaining with eldritch entities to give a wonderful wedding gift
Even made a crippled woman happy by dancing with het


CLAP TRAP IS A GOAT

 

[MR.PEPS]

Can't wait for more

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 4 Off The Bus, Onto The Poop Train

So… yeah. The uh, the New-U machines they're… they're just not gonna happen.

I tried.

I really tried, but it's just not gonna happen. Like, actually bringing people back to life, that's just not feasible. After the first ten to twelve times I experimented with the tech on ratches, thankfully while Angel was at school, I just gave up on it.

Then I thought okay, what if it acted like a Fast Travel, moving you just before you died. That got me pretty excited, so I tried it out on the ratches again.

The result? They died a couple of feet away.

So, I tried it again, but added a feature that would cause you to be injected with insta-heals, after you come out of the teleportation. And you what insta-heals do right?

They're pain killers, and blood injections. That's it.

So, after two years of dabbling, scientific experimentation, and a lot of ratch corpses, I finally conceded defeat.

It was worth a try, but it's just not gonna happen.

Probably for the best, if I actually did make it, Hyperion would've just used it to throw an unkillable army of soldiers at our competitors. And after a couple of years of that, they would have eventually found out how to do it too. Which would cause a never-ending war.

So yeah, it's for the best.

Still a little peeved though, the board still wanted me to come up with something new, so I just gave them the Quick Change. It literally only took me two days to do that, and there was almost no drawback to it.

If only though, right?

Ah well, I'm on my second life anyway, I shouldn't push my luck.

Still, it was worth a shot. Although maybe I could add like a fall recall to the Fast Travel? So, I won't be killed by heights, that could work...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean ratch corpses out of my lab.

...​

"Okay Angel, you found them?" I asked her excitedly. This was it! The big day, I've had my eye on the Vault Hunters for a while, and they should be making their way to Fyrestone any minute now.

I sent a satellite before their shuttle arrived. And since I've been on the Board's approval for the last two years I didn't need to worry about Tassiter.

"Yes, they should be arriving in Fyrestone shortly." Angel paused for a moment. "Are you sure you want to greet them personally?"

"Absolutely." I answer, as I brush my hair a bit, and straighten my clothes. "It's always important to make a good first impression."

Speaking of, let's check the gear. Awesome badass wrist lasers, check. Digi-Jacks, check. My "Handsome" mask face, check. And finally, out of that God-awful regulation gear, and back into the classic Jack jacket, and the styling brown vest over my Hyperion yellow shirt.

I could see the bus approaching already. "Show time, Angel. You already got in contact with them, right?"

"Yes, they'll know to expect you." She informed me.

"Awesome, I'll keep you posted, love you." I told her practically shaking in excitement.

"Love you too." Angel says, before we cut the feed. Okay, c'mon Jack, we're ready for this, we've got it!

The bus pulls in, and I take a few calming breaths, to get my confidence ready. I vaguely hear Marcus on his bus. "... I'm sure we'll be doing this all again soon enough. Haha… get off my bus." He finished a little rudely, in a really Russian accent.

That's when I see them, the Vault Hunters.

Roland's the first off the bus, he surveyed Pandora calmly, assessing it for any threats. Lilith is the next to follow, confident, eager, as far as Siren's go she was pretty impressive, even now. Mordecai followed after, looking a little ridiculous in his mask, with Bloodwing, hanging on his shoulder.

Then there was Brick, he's what I imagined most people would look like if they had steroid stuffed steaks, chased down with protein shakes for breakfast. Then they went to bench press pickup trucks. Brick's pretty buff is what I'm saying.

"Hey there, Vault Hunters." I greeted the four. "Welcome to Pandora."

...​

The first thought that came to Lilith's mind upon meeting their employer, was that he was pretty handsome. "Was" being the key term, the mask was a little unsettling. But he seemed okay, so far.

"Hey." Brick greeted warmly, in his pretty deep voice. "You Jack?"

"I go by Handsome Jack." He said nonchalantly. "But yup, that's me."

"So, you're the person paying us to find the Vault?" Roland asked, straight to business. "Mind if I ask why?"

"Simple, Atlas and Dahl, as you probably know have had a pissing match over this planet so long, that the only crap it has left in abundance is lunatics, and predators. That's the kind of stuff my company can't deal with, but you guys can." Jack explained.

"So, what, amigo?" Mordecai asked in his Truxican accent. "You're paying us to do Hyperion's dirty work?

"More or less." Jack admittedly shamelessly. "Not like anyone from Hyperion would be much help. Present company excluded. Besides, isn't this what you came here to do? Hunt a Vault?"

"We didn't come here to hunt it for someone else." Lilith remarked, getting Jack's attention on her.

"Fair enough." He shrugged, before pointing at her. "You came here looking for answers."

He pointed at Roland. "You came here to make a difference." Jack moved onto Mordecai. "You came here to get rich, and you." Jack looked at Brick. "You came to Pandora to beat up Jimmy, your preschool bully."

They all got a laugh out of that, Brick the loudest of them all.

Handsome Jack waited for them to calm down a bit before continuing. "Everything you've come here for, I can almost guarantee the Vault can't help you with. But maybe I can."

"How?" Lilith asked him suspiciously.

Jack turned back to her. "Those answers you're looking for, I got most of them right here." He emphasized with a tap to his head. "You aren't gonna find a better expert on Siren's this side of the galaxy." He claimed proudly, crossing his arms.

"Prove it." Lilith tested him, crossing her own arms.

Handsome Jack smirked and spoke like he had practiced it at his rehearsal, even waving an arm for dramatic effect. "There are only six Sirens in existence at any point in time. Typically, female, but always identifiable by the marks covering the left side of their body. These seemingly magical warriors possess their own unique power, you in particular inherited the Phasewalk ability."

Lilith felt astonished. "How did you-"

"Let's just say I've got a vested interest in Sirens and leave it at that." Jack cut her off, waving the question away. "As for how I know about your power specifically, I always do background checks."

Lilith blinked. "Okay…"

"As for you two." Jack directed his attention to Brick and Roland. "Let's be real, you two wanna fight! You want to do something I've wanted to do my entire life, clean up Pandora." He admitted admiringly.

Brick chuckled sheepishly, rubbing his neck from behind, and inadvertently flexing muscles on top of muscles. Roland's serious face didn't change, but Jack had his attention. "And you'll help us do it?"

"Every step of the way!" Handsome Jack exclaimed proudly. "You think I came to this crap hole to watch?" He smirked at their surprised reactions. "This is on my vacation time, so heck yeah! Let's kill some bad guys."

"My man!" Brick agreed cheerfully, stretching his hand for a fist bump that Jack happily gave. Even Roland had a small twitch of a smile.

"Moving on to the other masked man, and his uh, better half." Jack teased Mordecai, who took it in stride. "The most popular reason for hunting a Vault, money!" He cheered before looking more solemn and gestured them all to come closer.

Lilith and the others hesitantly approached him as he sighed and continued. "I hate to break this to you fellas, I really do. But that Vault you're looking for? Empty." He confessed to their shock. "Well, not empty." Jack elaborated. "Just no treasure, loot, or information. It's got a monster though, a really nasty thing the Eridians called The Destroyer."

Roland was the first to speak up, as they were all still reeling. "How do you know this?" He asked demandingly.

Handsome Jack shrugged. "I've been looking into the Vaults for a long time, believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

Mordecai was the next to recover, pointing a finger accusingly at Jack. "Why do you even want it, then? If there's no reward-"

Jack held up a hand. "I didn't say there was no reward." He waited for everyone to allow him to continue. "Just no treasure, and there's not, but Vaults aren't really like opening up a prize. They're more like dominoes, knock one down and suddenly there's this chain reaction."

He looked at them and shrugged apologetically. "We take out The Destroyer, there'll be a payoff, but when you're working with Vaults, you need to play things long term."

Roland gazed at Lilith, Brick, and Mordecai and turned back to Handsome Jack. "We weren't planning on doing this long term."

Jack nodded. "Fair enough, so work with me." He offered. "And once we crack that Vault open, I'll give you each a million, and have you recognized as the ones who helped me do it." He threw an amused glance at Bloodwing. "I'll even throw in half a million for the bird."

Bloodwing preened at the attention, and Mordecai looked a lot happier. "Okay, Amigo." He offered his hand to Jack, who shook it firmly. "I'm in."

"Hell yeah!" Brick agreed enthusiastically.

"Sign me up." Roland accepted bluntly.

Lilith was the last one left, and they all turned their attention to her. She crossed her arms, before giving a small smirk, and offered her hand to Jack. He shaked it, but before he could pull away, she pulled him close with her other hand. "Just so you know, if you're lying…" She trailed off amused.

"My face probably won't be the only thing that needs to be covered up?" Handsome Jack suggested with a wry smile.

Lilith chuckled. "More or less." She let him go, giving him a more genuine smile.

"Well then, I'll try not to disappoint." He flirted with a wink. Jack took a few steps back and outstretched his arms. "So, let's get started, huh? Need to get you badasses settled at the Quick Change." He turned, pointing a finger to the station just a few feet away.

"So…" Brick started, as they made their way to the Quick Change. "What's up with the mask?"

"It's a bit personal, but long story short, a couple years ago a bandit and his turret got the drop on me. I could've either gotten plastic surgery or the mask, insurance was crap, so they picked the mask." Jack explained casually.

"Ever think of just getting the surgery?" Lilith asked curiously, a bit confused why someone would want to wear a mask for the rest of their life.

"You know I did, but it grew on me." Jack remarked. "Like, literally. I'm actually pretty worried about what'll happen if I try to take it off."

"How are we supposed to check in?" Roland asked professionally. Glancing at the Quick Change strangely.

"It's super simple, you got your ECHOs?" Handsome Jack asked them, only to be met with blank stares. "So, uh, you don't have ECHOs. Right, well no problem. I'll just-"

"Helllloooo Travelers!" A yellow box looking robot interrupted him, rolling up to the assembled Vault Hunters in greeting. "Welcome to Fyrestone!" It exclaimed joyfully.

Jack looked down and pinched the bridge of his - mask nose? - and groaned. "Claptrap, great." He mumbled sarcastically.

"Gasp!" The now named Claptrap actually said gasp. "You know who I am?! And you think meeting me is "great"?!" It exclaimed cheerfully.

Lilith had to double take at the robot's genuine wonder. She could visibly see Handsome Jack fighting the urge to shout at it. Instead he settled for a frustrated sigh, and an overly dramatic eye roll. "Yeah, sure whatever. Now if you don't mind, I have to hook these Vault Hunters up with some ECHO-"

"I don't mind at all!" Claptrap yelled joyously. "In FACT, I can help!" Claptrap then proceeded to hand out ECHO devices, and heads-up displays, to the four of them. "Please accept these ECHO communication devices, and heads-up displays! Free of charge by the Dahl corporation!"

"Oh, that's uh." Jack looked genuinely shocked. "Thanks Claptrap. Now that you got your ECHOs you can- wait a minute." He turned back to the robot while the rest of them went to check in, although Lilith lagged behind to watch the show. "Dahl Corporation?! You're a Hyperion manufactured robot!"

"Oh, right." Claptrap twiddled his mechanical limbs and shifted a little guilty. "Wellll, the thing about that is-" Claptrap continued to ramble, as Jack tried to control his temper.

He eventually breathed out and turned back to them. "Okay, it's fine. Everything's fine, are you guys settled? Good, now lets out to Fyrestone, see if we can find some-"

"Bandits!" Claptrap screamed terrified.

Handsome Jack turned back to the machine, his patience tested yet again. "No, not bandits. WHY would we be looking for…" He paused as he saw what Claptrap pointed at. "Bandits."

Four Bandit Technicals charged past them, shooting their way to Fyrestone. "The poop train will run brown with their blood!" A psycho proudly shouted from the steering wheel.

'Poop train?' Lilith gagged to herself quietly. Looking back at her employer's dumbfounded face. She could tell he was just as disgusted. "You might want to stay back, this is gonna get a little messy."

"Actually," Jack objected, coming back too. "I think killing some bandits would be pretty therapeutic, right now." Cracking his knuckles, and flexing his wrist lasers, he turned back to face them. "Who's ready to be a hero?"

...​

Author's note: For the people who read them.

Another day, another chapter. I am determined to post daily until I get this site caught up with FFN and SB, but after that, it'll be updated weekly. If you want to read ahead, you're more than welcome to check me out over there. And if you still want to read ahead past that, you can always check out my Patreon.

My Patreon

 

[Elmoslayer5]

God i needed this.

Keep it up dude.

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 5 Fyrestone, What a Pain

I hate Pandora.

It was a world designed to try and kill you in the most horrific and painful way possible. And if it wasn't the monsters who got you first...

"Joohhn~." My grandma called for me, in a musical tone.

Then it was them. The bandits.

"John." She repeated herself, much less amused.

I've been hiding from her for six hours now, she finally began to lose her patience. She usually loved this game. Hide and seek, and when she found me, she'd beat me bloody. Maybe smack me around with her buzz axe.

But today, she wasn't happy. Because for once, in my entire life, I was going to win. I was going to escape. I've been planning it for months, and now it's finally here, the window of opportunity. But it all hinges on today, because if I don't take it now, it may never open again.

"Get out here! NOW!" Oh, I'm planning to, Grandma.

In my hands, I held a makeshift stun rod. I made it out of some of the crap that gets tossed out here in the Eridium Blight. It'd be good for one hit, but then I'm shit out of luck. I haven't used it yet, I need to make it count.

That's why I'm still hiding, if I ever wanted to get out of this hell hole of a planet, I'd need some cash to get by. Not much a kid could do out here to get their hands on some. Atlas wouldn't share, and the only way you'd get money from a bandit, is if you were the one beating them.

So, that's the plan.

One good swing, and its lights out Grandma, you psychopath.

After that… I'm getting the hell off Pandora. There's a transport to Tantalus, I'll hop on, and improvise from there. I never met him, but I heard dad had some family there. Doubt I'll get a warm welcome, but they can't be any worse than her.

"Enough, John! You show your face right now, or I'll-" She threatened as she walked just past my hiding spot.

I jumped out from behind her, startling her. "I told you," I reminded her, while she was still reeling from shock. To then literally, reel from shockas I got a good hit on her. "It's Jack."

I looted her, and ran, never looking back. I promised myself that day, that if I ever came back to Pandora, it would be to burn it all down.

Fucking bandits.

...​

I don't know if it was Jack's feeling or mine, but as I and the Vault Hunters tore our way through the bandits. I didn't feel any guilt about killing them. I actually enjoyed it, strangely enough, I didn't seem to mind for once.

"Did you see that?!" Brick celebrated, as he literally punched a bandit's head off.

At least I'm in good company.

"It's okay Claptrap. The Travelers will protect you, the travelers will protect you." Claptrap repeated to himself frantically, in his annoying digital voice.

Annnd not so good company.

I mentally rolled my eyes, at the robot, before turning my attention to the others. Brick was practically the Hulk, pulverizing his opponents in a mixture of rage, muscle, and sweat.

Mordecai played it cool, dropping the bandits one by one, with one shot each, and had Bloodwing draw them out when they weren't in his line of fire.

Roland looked every bit the soldier he used to be. Side by side with his turret, and behind it, he shredded his way through the horde of bandits, never once easing up. As for Lilith… wow.

I've seen Angel use her powers before, helped her practice more times than I could count, but I've never seen anything like this. One second she was there, the next she's behind the bandits, blasting them off their feet, and kicking them while they're down.

It was… pretty hot.

I blink the thought away and focus on killing my section of bandits. I subconsciously grew a smug grin and the bandits backed up. I cracked my knuckles and unleashed a beam of lasers on the poor, unsuspecting bandits.

They screamed and tried to escape but fell over themselves onto a dogpile of dead bodies. I smirked and blew on my wrist lasers like I was in the wild, wild west.

"Hooray! We did it!" Claptrap claimed, exiting his hiding spot after we beat back the first section of bandits. "That sure was a doozy, huh guys?" He raised his hand for a high five that nobody returned.

"Dad." Angel scolded me on our private channel.

I rolled my eyes, before offering the annoying robot my hand, sadly slapping his mechanical limb and not his mechanical face. I'm gonna call Claptrap him now, by the way, it's so much harder to think of these things as an it, when they just have so much… personality.

"Thank you." Angel said cutely, before leaving again.

"Right." I said to both of them. "Now, onto the task at hand. Bandit's aren't gone yet, and we're not gonna get any help from the locals if they're dead. So," I clapped my hands together. "Let's get moving."

"No problem!" Claptrap agreed happily. We reached the second gate to the town and saw that the controls got damaged. "Don't worry, friends! I am a CL4P- TP, we were made to open doors!" He explained cheerfully. "In the meantime, why don't you open that storage device? There may be something inside to help against those bandits."

I waved Lilith to go ahead. I already had my wrist lasers, and the Digi-Jacks if I needed them. Besides those loot crates mostly had crap weapons anyway. Lilith just shrugged and went ahead.

"Hey guys, found some ammo." She mentioned to the others, Roland and Mordecai moving up to reload, and restock. Brick was fine, because of the aforementioned punching strategy. "Jack, you sure you don't want this? It's not bad for a beginner."

I felt a little offended at that. "Woah, I am not a beginner." I defended myself. "I just don't need guns. My wrist lasers do all the work."

Lilith raised an eyebrow and grew a small smirk. "If you say so… you know, it is a pretty good gun."

I crossed my arms. "I'm fine."

"Sure." She said smugly.

"I mean it."

"I believe you."

I frowned, and hesitated. "Is it Hyperion?" I asked.

She took a second to check the logo. "Yup."

Screw it… I sighed and raised my hands for a catch. "Okay, toss it here."

Lilith made to throw it, but paused at the last second, and her smirk grew a little wider. She casually approached me with a sway in her step. "What do we say?" She teased.

I groan, and look to the heavens, before bringing my head back down to mutter my response. Lilith put a hand around her ear, as if trying to hear clearer, but her smile betrayed her body language. "A little louder, handsome?"

I sighed. "Can I please have the gun?"

Lilith chuckled and handed it to me, patting my mask shortly "Good boy."

I heard snickering and turned to see the other three Vault Hunters watching. I gave them a glare, before quickly replying. "Shut up."

Mordecai raised his hands in surrender, stifling his laughter before he spoke. "I didn't say anything, amigo."

I pointed at him accusingly. "You were thinking it." I said, for which he had no rebuttal, other than an amused smile.

"Yup! This definitely isn't going to work." Claptrap states annoyed yet still sounding cheerful.

Claptraps are so useless.

"Cool." I remark sarcastically. "Well genius, is there another way inside?"

Claptrap looks up to me thrilled. "Genius?! No one's ever called me that before!" He taps his "head" in contemplation. "I know! There's a secret side entrance, we can take that! Follow meeeee!" He cheered, rolling away waving his metal arms.

I quietly groan in frustration, before turning the others. "You head him, let's do what Claptrap says." I instructed before facepalming. "God, I can't believe I just said that."

We quickly follow that rolling abomination into the town of Fyrestone, where we encountered the bandits within. I decided I'd give that new gun a try. Quickly drawing it off my hip I aim at the closest bandit…

And miss. Thankfully, I hit the explosive barrel right behind him, so everyone else was just really impressed. 'Dammit.' I thought, displeased with my aim. 'Okay, Jack. Try again, just like we practiced.' This time I take a breath, aim for one's chest, and fire.

"That was my favorite gun!" The bandit cried in despair, after I accidentally shot into its barrel.

Oh, come on!

Lilith popped up behind him, and blasted him down, where he landed lying down next to me. Well, can't miss point blank, right? I went for his right eye, and instead got his left.

Meh, close enough.

Lilith seemed impressed. "Nice shooting, Tex." She complimented, as a bandit tried to sneak up behind her.

I shook my head and raised my gun. "It's Jack, Lil." I reminded her, aiming for the bandit behind her. Bang, and actually hitting where I wanted this time. "Handsome Jack."

She glowed and got ready for a punch, and me remembering what that did to the last Jack, hastily dodged. And Lilith hit the bandit behind me. "I'll remember that, handsome." She remarked flirtatiously, walking away with a sway in her step.

I tore my eyes away from her and coughed. Looking around, I saw that the fighting had pretty much died down. "Great work, everybody. Knew I made the right choice when I hired you. So, uh, let's check up on the locals, yeah?" I asked, while Claptrap rolled up to Dr. Zed's residence.

"Of course, sir!" Claptrap agreed joyously, under some strange assumption I was speaking to him. He knocked on Dr. Zed's door. "Attention citizens of Fyrestone! There is no cause for alarm. These new visitors have resolved the problem!"

"Well shoot, I thought I was a goner that time!" Dr. Zed responded through the door, relieved and in his old southern accent. "Damn bandits won't leave us alone. Had to lock this place up tight. I'll let you in." He paused.

"... Come on!" Zed shouted frustrated. "Damn it. Blasted circuits are on the fritz again. Give it a go from the switch out there, would you?" He asked kindly.

I looked at the others and saw they were busy gathering loot, and ammo. "Yeah, don't everyone jump at once, it's fine I can do it." I muttered to myself a little annoyed, as I flipped the switch.

"Amazing job, sir!" Claptrap complemented, actually impressed by the act of flipping a switch.

"Thank you, Claptrap." I said reluctantly. "It's nice to be appreciated."

The garage opened and I and the Vault Hunters made our way inside. "Thanks, fer openin' her up again." Dr. Zed told us gratefully.

"You're welcome." I remarked before I introduced us to the (not so good) doctor. "I'm Handsome Jack, the big guy's Brick, and the guy allergic to smiling is Roland. The bird guy is Mordecai, the bird-bird is Bloodwing, and the girl who can probably kick all of our asses is Lilith." I introduce, getting a few chuckles, and a few looks.

I heard a digitalized cough and turned around. I sighed before adding. "And that's Claptrap, I assume you've met."

"Sadly, yes." Dr. Zed glancing at the mechanical monstrosity. He offered his hand and I shook it, with the mental note to wipe the blood off my hand later. "Name's Zed, they don't let me cut on folks anymore since I lost my license. So, now I keep the med vendors 'round here up and running."

"Uh, think we're fine." I stated, checking on my group for any injuries, but it looked like they were okay. "Still, good to have a backup plan, what do your machines have?"

Dr. Zed thought for a moment before he answered. "Well, from the vendors you can buy all the healin' you could ever want from a real doc… thankfully without the "Vault is a myth, you'll get yourself killed" lecture.

"I like the sound of that." I said encouragingly. "Is it cheap?"

Dr. Zed shrugged. "Cheaper than a real doc."

"Sold!"

...​

"So, listen Doc," Jack started off, putting a hand on the not-doctor's shoulder. "The five of us are looking for the Vault. And I think some of you locals might have an idea or two where it is."

Say what you would about her new boss, he knew how to appeal to people. Dr. Zed looked a bit troubled. "Vault Hunters, huh? Well I ain't very happy to tell you this, but I don't got a clue."

"That's fine." Jack reassured him, unconcerned. "But I bet you know someone who might." He pointed out, leadingly.

Dr. Zed hesitated but after a few seconds spoke up. "Tell you what outside of Fyrestone, just past the gate and across the road, you'll find a few skag dens. Some nasty, four legged creatures that'll eat anything, including you." Dr. Zed told them all.

"And?" Lilith asked, bored. She's handled her fair share of them by now, they weren't much of a problem.

"And I wanna know if you can handle yourself in a fight against some of these beasts, so head on an out and kill some of 'em for me. If you're still in one piece then c'mon back." Dr. Zed explained briefly.

"Sounds good, doc!' Jack agreed, patting him on the back. "Trust me, these guys are badasses, it won't take too long."

"That's great! Once you get back, we can spend so much time together! Please follow me, and I'll open the gate!" Claptrap cheered, already rolling to the main entrance.

"Wait, what?" Jack took notice in drawing horror. "No, no no no, that's not necessary." He struggled in vain, as we followed the robot to the gate.

"I insist." Claptrap argued. "I can't just leave my new best friends here all alone. Just think of all the cool things we can do together! We could fly kites or sing karaoke! Oh! We could go dancing! It'll be so fun, and everyone will be super happy!"

Lilith thought it would have sounded almost endearing if it wasn't so annoying. Thankfully, Claptrap was interrupted as a trio of Bandit Technicals, swerved by the main gate. They unloaded some bandits and shot Claptrap with a rocket.

She now had mixed feelings on the bandits.

That quickly changed after they began shooting at her. Almost immediately she began to use Phasewalk, sneaking up behind them to unleash bolts upon bolts electricity. The others began firing at them, except Brick. He just kicked them, really, really hard.

Jack fiddled with his echo device a bit and got Dr. Zed on speaker. "Zed, what's with all the bandits around here? We just cleared them out."

"Uhh, yup, looks like you got on Nine-Toes bad side, don't worry, he'll get his." Dr. Zed called over to them on Jack's echo.

"You did it! I knew you could. Oh…! That poor little robot needs our help. Would you kindly give him a hand? " Angel sympathetically requested of them, on her strange method of communication.

"Okay, I'm not just going crazy, right?" Lilith had to ask. "You guys can see her too?"

"Everyone can see her." Jack reassured her. "Of course, I'm not sure that means you aren't crazy…"

Lilith playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Ass. But seriously, you know who she is?"

"Yeah, she works with me." He explained, to receive a round of shock once more. "Is that really a surprise? I had a little talent scouting before I went recruiting, think I mentioned that before."

"So, what is she?" Roland asked, curious. "An AI or some sort of advanced mainframe?"

Handsome Jack waved his hand in a kinda, sorta way, before shrugging. "Eh, close enough, I made her a long time ago, and she's been helping me out for a while. Of course, she's not really a machine to me, not like this guy anyway." He reminded everyone with a small kick to Claptrap.

Claptrap whines in pain, reaching an arm up to the digital heavens. "I can see the code. It's so amazing"

"I should probably check on him now, shouldn't I?" Jack asked, looking displeased.

"Only if you want to open the gate." Lilith pointed out cheekily.

Jack groaned. "Fine, just give me a second." He tinkered with Claptrap for a moment, inspecting many of his parts carefully.

"That little robot is hurt. He isn't going to last very long without attention. Why don't you look around for something to fix him up?" Angel suggested, worried

"On my God, I'm leaking! I think I'm leaking! Aaahhh, I'm leaking! There's oil everywhere." Claptrap screams pitifully, rolling around theatrically on the ground.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Calm down, you'll be fine. Hey Lil, think you could grab a repair kit, for me? So, we can, you know? Leave."

Lilith chuckled. "I'm on it."

She left to pick one she saw left on a bench a couple of houses down, and heard Brick ask in the background. "How about us, boss, what can we do?"

"You know much about robotic engineering?" Jack asked him curiously.

"Nope." Brick answered bluntly.

"Then just stand there and look pretty, big guy."

Brick laughed. "You got it, boss."

Lilith smirked to herself, as she came back with the repair kit. Jack spotted her and gave a playful applause as she lifted it up victorious. "Lo and behold, the conquering hero, sent to fetch the mechanical holy grail. A thousand blessings upon her and her name, and may she forever, yadda, yadda, yadda. Gimme." He requested after he finished playing around.

"Alas, I have done all I can." Lilith bemoaned teasingly, handing Jack the kit. "I now leave it in your hands, dear wizard. Heal him in your uh, sorcerous ways."

"I aim to, Lady Lilith." He retorted, opening the kit, and began the repairs. He tightened a few screws, replaced some burnt wiring, and judiciously applied a little duct tape. Soon enough, Claptrap is back on his feet- or rather his wheel.

"Whew! Good as new! I think… Am I leaking?" Claptrap asks curiously, but not worried.

"You're fine." Handsome Jack deadpans. "Now Claptrap, can you please open the gate.

"Okay! Thank you again, my friend." Claptrap gets a little emotional at the end, clearly mortifying Jack as he tries to give him a hug.

Jack does his best to refuse, but is forced to reluctantly accept it, to the Vault Hunters growing amusement. "Yeah, don't mention it. Seriously, don't." As Claptrap leaves, Jack takes a second to contact his ally. "You happy, Angel?" He asks a bit bitterly.

"Yes, thank you." Angel answered genuinely if a bit smugly.

Handsome Jack must have heard it too. "You know, one of these days, you're gonna ask me for something, and I'm gonna say no."

"Oh, really." Angel questions him challengingly, and amused.

"It could happen." Jack defends himself, weakly. "Nevermind, let's just go."

Claptrap opens the gate and celebrates with dancing. "Thank you for visiting Fyrestone! Farewell travelers, friends and be sure to say 'hello' to all the friendly Claptraps that await you on Pandora!" He sends them off cheerfully. "I shall now continue my fascinating research on the wondrous properties of sand!"

"Oh, that friggin dance directive." Jack muttered annoyed. "When I'm running Hyperion, I'm wiping that function off of every single machine. Seriously, was De Quidt high when he made that?"

"Who?" Mordecai asked, glancing over at Jack.

He just sighed. "Forget it, doesn't matter. C'mon, let's go kill the skags, so Zed can give us a lead or something."

They headed out past the gates, and sure enough just across the road, there were three skag dens. Lilith really wondered how these people got any visitors. Five skags in particular didn't look so happy to see them.

"Don't worry," Mordecai aimed his rifle, Bloodwing taking to the skies. "We got this." He fired five precise shots, waiting for Bloodwing to get them where he wanted them. They fell down, with strange snarls, and a loud thud. Then Mordecai brought up his Echo. "How 'bout it? Are we good?"

"Yup, that ought to do it. Come on back!" Dr. Zed replied.

"Nice work, bird guy." Brick congratulated him. Mordecai stared at him for a second, and he added. "You too Bloodwing." Mordecai continued to stare.

"Yeah, that's the downside with masks, huh?" Handsome Jack taunted. "Hard to glare at people. Well for you anyway." He corrected, with a wave to his own mask. "My mask can show expressions just fine. Look!" He smiled smugly. "You see that? It's-ow!"

Jack was interrupted, by Bloodwing taking a nip at his finger, this time with Mordecai smiling. "Yeah, pendejo. Looks like pain."

Jack made to argue but sighed. "Fair enough, let's go get our reward, yeah?"

...​

"I guess those skags didn't give you much trouble, eh? You clearly know who to handle a gun, that's good, real good. You're gonna need it, 'cause I've got somethin' else for you to help me with." Dr. Zed complimented us, before pointing us towards another job.

I honestly don't remember these missions feeling so tedious. "Cool, you know who else could use some help? US!" I reminded him, getting a little frustrated.

Dr. Zed waved his hand, as if they would dispel my worries. Maybe he thought it would, he wasn't exactly a great doctor. "I know, I know you're looking for the Vault, but I told you, I don't know where it is."

"But you know who does." I point out, feeling a tad annoyed at the repetitiveness.

"I know who might." Dr. Zed corrected, rubbing his forehead. "That bandit chief who's been giving you folk some trouble, he's been bragging lately about how his boss found a Vault Key."

I took a few calming breaths. "Okay, that's helpful. Where's his boss?" I ask more politely.

Dr. Zed shrugged. "I dunno."

I was instantly annoyed and frowned again. "Don't give me that, you told us these bandits have been giving you trouble for a while. You never looked into leadership?"

"I picked up on a few things here and there, but I only really paid attention when they came to bother Fyrestone personally." He defended himself.

"Okay, fine. But his boss is here, right?" I asked, indicating the Arid Badlands.

Dr. Zed shrugged. "I dunno."

I was on the brink of exploding when Roland put a hand on my shoulder. "We'll just ask Nine-Toes." He assured me calmly, before turning to the Doctor. "Do you know where he is?"

Dr. Zed shook his head, but quickly added. "I know who does."

Roland nodded. "And where is he?"

"Just outside of town." Zed directed, pointing a finger. "But if you and your buddies want to get to him, you're gonna need a shield."

"I got one." I spoke up, as the rest of them just stood there, and I reluctantly offered. "I'll pay for their shields."

"Well that's awfully kind of ya." Dr. Zed praised, before kicking the Vending Machine in his garage. "Problem is, my vendor's broke, took a bullet during the raid. Good news is it just needs a power coupling."

I sighed. "And the bad news?" I asked cynically.

"Well, there's a vendor we can scavenge parts from, but the bad news is, it's down the road down the road east. With all the skags and bandits crawlin' out there, I haven't gone to get it, but if you can get those parts for me, I can fix 'er up in no time." He finished confidently.

I glanced at my assembled four-man army of badasses, and nevertheless felt the need to ask. "Do you guys have this?"

Brick cracks his knuckles, Roland cracks his neck, Mordecai cracks a smile, and Lilith cracks a wink. "Yeah, we got this."

"Okay." I take a second to admire them. "You guys get the power coupling." I instruct, before reaching into my pockets, and pulling out a small stack of hundreds, and casually toss it to Lilith, to her surprise. "And get yourselves something nice. I'll go find our "bandit expert"."

On that note, I left on my way to talk to T.K. Baha, not that they know that. Overall, it's been an easy day, but a trying one, so many repetitive tasks, I hate tutorials.

"Mr. Jack! Sir, you're back!" Claptrap happily exclaims, rolling up the second he spotted me.

I really hate tutorials.

...​

Surprise!

I know, I know.

Sorry for posting so much later than usual. I had a dentist appointment this morning, and after that, I pretty much forgot about it. I have thing thing called sellectice memory, which means I forget things pretty easily.

What was I talking about?

Oh, right!

Check me out at FFN, where you can read up to Chapter 50, where you can read up to Chapter 55.

My Patreon

 

[Despacitoleo]

Annnd not so good company.

Click to shrink...

poor claptrap

 

[Alucard925]

Not sure if you're aware, but you double posted Chapter 5.

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 6 Nine Toes, No Balls

Shut up.

"And we can go fishing, and hiking!"

Shut Up.

"And we can go camping, and we can go riding!"

Shut Up!

"And we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together!"

CLAPTRAP! For the love of God! SHUT THE F-

"Oh look, bandits!" I exclaim, almost relieved. They tried to surround us, grouping up dangerously, as Claptrap did the robot equivalent of hyperventilating.

"Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out." Claptrap repeated his priority mantra to himself nervously, as I charged up my wrist lasers. "Control your breathing, Claptrap."

"You don't breath!" I pointed out, frustrated at the mechanical menace. "It's the one advantage you have over us."

"Oh God, your right!" Claptrap screamed horrified. "I don't have any breath, I just have the recording of someone breathing! Damn my existential terror!"

Wait. "Where'd you get the recording of someone breathing? I asked, while the bandits politely waited for us to finish our conversation.

"Ummm, details aren't important. What matters is that we're both going to die!" Claptrap evades, while cowering behind me.

"Firstly, the details are super important, but I don't think I want to know." I retracted in hindsight. "And secondly," I mercilessly slaughter the bandits with my wrist lasers of death... I'm still workshopping the name. "No, we're not."

"Woah!" Claptrap, rolled out from behind me, poking the dead bandits. "You did it, you saved us! Now we can-"

"No!" I cut him off desperately.

"What?" He asked curiously.

"I uh, need you here to…" I look around for something to distract him, but the only thing around us are dead bandits. Dead bandits. "To bury the people… that I just killed."

Claptrap looked at the corpses, then back at me. "Why?" He asked dumbfounded.

"Claptrap!" I exclaimed in mock, outrage. "You surprise me! Were you really just going to leave these poor dead souls to rot in the sun or be left for the skags?!"

"Um No, sir!" Claptrap, eager to please, and also afraid to show that inside he really is just a soulless robot, quickly begins to move the bandits. "I'll start digging right away!"

I sigh in relief. "Yeah, you do that." I mutter, as I make my way up to T.K.'s shack.

"See you later!" Claptrap called back to him, triggering a shudder.

I need this day to be over with…

"You!" T.K. Baha, the crippled, blind old man shouted out at me aggressively, waving his shotgun menacingly. "One more step and it'll be your, heh last!" He broke up, laughing. "... You should have seen the look on your face!" He continued chuckling, all traces of anger gone.

"Hilarious." I deadpanned. "Nothing screams comedy like attempted murder."

"I'm sorry, don't get too many visitors up here anymore, bit out of practice." T.K. apologized sincerely, despite a few giggles. "Why don't you come over here and chat a while?" T.K offers kindly. "It's always nice for a fellow to have company!"

I rolled my eyes, not like he could tell, but sat down on a nearby chair. "Zed told me you knew where Nine-Toes is hiding out." I said, getting straight to business.

"Nine-Toes, huh? You after the bounty?" He asked, still interested in talking.

"It'd be a nice plus, but no. I'm looking for his boss."

"His boss?" T.K. checked his hearing, shocked. "Sledge? Now whatcha you want going after a guy like that?! Bounty ain't worth it." He warned me firmly.

"I'm not after his bounty, either." I remark unconcerned. "I heard he's got a Vault Key, can't open my Mercenary day's gift without it."

"Ohhh, you're a Vault Hunter." T.K. breathed out, relieved. "Thought a bunch of you were killed when Nine-Toes came to town."

"Some were, but I'm working with the best." I assured him. "Of course, that won't mean anything if I can't get that Vault Key. And I can't get the Vault Key if I can't get Sledge, who I can't get unless I can get Nine-Toes to talk. And since I can't even do that until I know where he is…"

"Well he's hold up in Skag Valley." T.K. finally told me. "I barricaded it a while back when the skags started actin' up. I had it rigged to blow though, in case I ever wanted to get back in."

I felt compelled to ask. "What's up with all the skags around here, anyway?"

T.K. shrugged. "It's Pandora, there's skags everywhere. Speaking of… I gave you that one for free, Nine-Toes is a problem for everyone." He tried to shift his face to where he heard my voice "But if somewhere down the line, you want another favor, there's something I'd like you to do for me."

"I'm pretty busy." I told him carefully. "But I'll keep it in mind."

...​

"Thanks for the help. You oughta use the machine to sell some things you don't need and buy First Aid Kits to use on the field." Dr. Zed suggested to them, in his southern drawl.

"No problem." Lilith accepted the praise, and the advice. "But this vendor better have something good. 'Cause I've finally got some pretty great spending cash."

"Try not to blow it all at once." Roland lectured, using his share wisely.

"Screw that!' Brick laughed off. "I'm getting the shiniest shield money can buy."

"Pretty sure shields aren't "shiny", amigo." Mordecai commented, amused. Bloodwing chirping on his shoulder in agreement.

"Well then you've never bought Hyperion." Handsome Jack noted, having finally made his presence known to the group.

"Jesus!" Zed jumped, before turning an angry glare. "How long have you been skulking about?"

Jack raised his hands in defense. "I just got back, had to deal with bandits, skags, and crazy people, but I'm pretty sure that's typical here."

"So, did you find out where Nine-Toes is hiding?" Roland asked, barely phased.

"I did." Jack answered. "Gear up, fellas. We're moving out to Skag Valley, which is exactly what it sounds like."

Lilith felt almost playful. "So, it's a Pandoran strip club/bar?

"Close!" Jack acknowledged. "It's actually a small little canyon filled with bandits, monsters, and the occasional rocks. But yeah, good guess."

Roland made to speak. "What's our-"

But Brick wanted to speak first. "Ooh, boss! Hey, boss!" He raised and waved his hand like an impatient kid in class.

Jack just looked at him in confusion, before waving him on. "Umm, yes, Brick, what is it?

"Can I make the plan?" He asked excitedly.

"The plan?"

"Yeah," Brick had a wide grin. "You know, the plan of attack."

"Plan of attack?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow. "We're fighting bandits on their turf, the plan is attack."

"You stole my idea!" Brick stated accusingly, giving Jack a pointed look.

Handsome Jack rolled his eyes. "How about this, big guy. You can be our interrogator." Jack offered.

"What do they do?" Brick asked, a little dumbly.

"They hit people who give me answers I don't like, until they give me answers I do like." Jack answered him partly sarcastically, but mostly serious.

Brick smiled. "Sounds fun!"

Mordecai had a concerned look, at least he seemed concerned. Lilith mentioned he wore a mask, right? "What if Nine-Toes doesn't talk?"

Jack shrugged nonchalantly. "Then we're shit out of luck." As the group gave him annoyed glares, he rolled his eyes and amended. "Then we'll try asking some of the other locals, again. Relax. And besides, Brick's the one asking." He gestured at the man, with a pointed thumb.

Mordecai glanced up at the large man, who gave the sniper a frightening grin. "Fair enough, amigo."

Lilith took a moment to contemplate their situation. They were outnumbered, outgunned, and fighting the bandits on their territory. Territory, that they've held against the settlers, skags, and even other bandits for a very long time.

She then took a moment to reexamine her group. An ex-lance with a turret, a sniper with a bird, a guy with a penchant for punching. Their boss, a narcissistic salary man, with big dreams, and a handsome face. And her, a half-trained Siren, who's managed to avoid more bullets than she shot.

Pretty bad odds.

For the bandits.

...​

'Knew I should have brought my car.' I bemoaned to myself, while walking even more, in the desert. This place was a nightmare. Why anyone would have wanted to settle this dust ball of a planet, without wild dreams of fortune, was a mystery to me.

Jack's AI was right, doesn't matter what state of being you're in, walking sucks.

"Are we there yet?" Brick was particularly vocal in his complaints.

"We'll be there, when we get there." Roland answered him, with a bit of annoyance creeping into his tone.

"I have sand, in places sand was not meant to go." Lilith informed us, looking extremely unhappy.

"Children! Do not make me turn this group around." I threaten jokingly, finally seeing the entrance in the distance. "And yes, we're almost there."

"Finally." Mordecai breathed out, relieved. I feel you buddy.

"It's barricaded." Roland noted with a frown.

"A little insurance policy, T.K., left." I told him, as I looked around for the fuse-pump, whatever those things were called. "Don't worry, he left us a present."

I found the switch a couple feet away and got ready to blow the blockage to kingdom come when a thought occurred to me. "You guys might want to back up." I warn, before carefully pushing the handle down.

"Wait!" Brick shouts, rushing up to me, quickly followed by the others.

"What?" I ask him, worried. "What is it?"

"I want to blow it up!" Brick told me giddy.

My only response was a blank stare. "Noted. Does anyone else want to-"

"Dibs." Lilith called quickly.

"Dibs?" Roland asked with a raised brow.

"Yeah, I called dibs. I get to blow it up." Lilith explained obviously, like everyone there hadn't heard of dibs.

Brick looked ready to fight, and sadly the friendly fire kind of fighting, so I played mediator. "Okay, everyone grab the handle, and we can all blow it up. Like a family."

Roland rolled his eyes, and Mordecai shrugged, but otherwise everyone seemed pretty content with the solution. We all grabbed the handle, and I gestured Brick to give the countdown. "One-!"

BOOOOOM!

Mordecai, Brick, Roland, and I all blink for a moment in confusion. Only for us to see Lilith walk away, with a sway in her step, and holding up two fingers in a peace sign. "I said dibs."

Brick seemed pretty bummed out, so I pat him on the back sympathetically. "Brick," I remind. "She did say dibs."

He gives a depressed sigh. "Yeah…"

"C'mon, let's go murder some bandits. That'll cheer you up!"

Brick gives me a small smile. "Okay."

I got a call from T.K., and against my better judgement, decided to answer. "Whooo! I heard that blast all the way over here! BAM!" T.K. laughs and cheers. "Time to give Nine-Toes a piece 'a that! I'm updating your ECHO system with his location. Come and see me once you put his bits to the grinder!"

"Ten-four, Teddy." I reply. I took a glance at the others... who already took off. "Oh, real mature guys!" I shouted angrily, as I sprinted to catch up.

They've already charged ahead guns blazing by the time I caught up to them. Brick was tearing a skag apart by the jaw… it was graphic. Roland had his turret cover him and Mordecai, as they took out some of the scouts further along the path.

I couldn't see Lilith anywhere, but given its Lilith, that's not a big surprise. "T.K. sent me the coordinates." I called to them, over the gunfire. Taking a few shots with the pistol, Lilith gave to me, back at Fyrestone. I propped myself down next to Roland and tapped him on the shoulder. "We'll need to get into that cave over there." I directed with a point of my finger.

"Understood." Roland acknowledged me, before easily returning fire on the bandits.

I frowned, still not spotting our invisible siren. "Where's Lilith?" I asked Mordecai, considering he's got the best eyes here. *Cough* Goggles *Cough*

I felt a hand grab my shoulder from behind, and almost jump out of cover. "Behind you." Lilith spoke amused. Why do people find so much joy in making me unhappy? I'm a nice guy, people should want to be nice to me.

"Ahem, right. So, we need to get to the-"

"The cave, I heard." She said, the smirk never leaving her face.

"Okay… that's good." I told her, while she just stood there staring at me. "Could you, uh, clear the way...please?"

Lilith chuckled. "He's learning." She mockingly whispered to Roland and Mordecai, before turning back to me. "This'll just take a second, handsome."

True to her word, it only took her a couple seconds to break the bandits out of their cover. Allowing Roland's turret to only take a few seconds to grind them up. All in all, it wasn't a long wait.

We stride into the cave, and I gotta say, I didn't care for the decor. Maybe it's my adjustment to the finer things lately, but seriously, these bandits are so tacky. They didn't even mount their skag skulls, they're just lying around!

How's that supposed to be intimidating!

The cave wasn't even defended. Hope Nine-Toes is still home. We march past the huts, and over the bridge, and came onto the drop that I knew would lead to the bandit chief's stage. And being the hero, that I am, and in no way trying to hide my nerves, I jumped down… heroically.

The others didn't take long to follow.

I saw the stage, and the typical mad laughter of bandits and psychos. The spotlight's lit up, and the insane lunatic with nine toes, and allegedly three balls walked up. "You woke the wrong dog!" He said, what he probably thought sounded more threatening in his head.

Let's mix things up a little.

So, for the first time since I arrived on Pandora, I deployed my Digi-Jacks. And to the surprise of everyone there, two more of me showed up. "And the world just got twenty-five percent more handsome!" They announced cockily, striding up with me to the stage.

Nine-Toes looked on confused but shot at the one to the left. "Wrong choice, sucker!" I taunted, before giving a shotgun blast from my wrist laser, which prompted the other Jack's to do the same.

It ate away at his shields, but I had to restrain myself from killing him, I needed him alive, if I wanted him to talk. "Pinky! Digit! Save meeee!" He screamed in terror.

Oh yeah. I forgot about the skags.

They jumped up from behind, but thankfully went through one of the fake Jacks. "Take care of them, I got this." I instruct the holodoubles, as I use my fists to take care of Nine-Toes. Brick would be proud.

I swing.

"Ow!"

I swing again.

"OWW!"

Then I kicked him in his crotch sign.

"Please, have mercy!"

Then I shot him in his crotch sign.

"I surrender! I surrender!" Nine-Toes cries out desperately.

"Cool." I told him uncaringly. I looked over and saw that the rest of us had killed his skag pets. "Hey Brick! Ya ready to interrogate?"

Brick walks over, looking a little uncertain. "Uh, boss?"

"Yeah?"

"I think he's had enough." Brick points out, and I glanced again at the mess of blood and tears curled up on the floor. Huh.

"Sorry." I offered sympathetically. "I got caught up in the moment."

"It's fine." Nine-Toes reassures. "Happens to me all the time."

"Doesn't really make me feel better." I sighed, before looking at him again. "Where's your boss? Sledge."

"The headstone mine." He mutters quietly, before wincing as he tries to move.

"Thanks." I told him, relieved. Bang. "And uh, sorry again."

...​

You guys notice that I posted Chapter 5 twice somehow? Because I didn't. Until just now. Whoops!

Anyways, here's the *actual* Chapter 6. With Chapter 7 incoming.

Oh, and my Patreon, naturally:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 7 Rewards! And Random Encounters

"Uhhgh!" Lilith gagged. "It smells awful." She intuitively informed us, her face scrunched up in disgust, as she wrenched the mask away from her face.

"It was a psycho's mask, who probably ate with his pet skags, and we looted it off his corpse." I remind her blankly, feeling (not for the first time) like the only sane being on this planet. "What were you expecting? Vanilla?"

"Why not?" Lilith shrugged. "Yours does."

"That, my dear, is because I'm neither a psycho, an animal, or dead." I point out factually. "...Also, because I had some vanilla ice cream, before I got to Pandora."

"Boss?" Brick turned to me, looking betrayed. "You have ice cream?"

"I had ice cream." I correct, with a wry smile. "I don't anymore."

"But you can- you can get more, right?" Brick asked me desperately.

"Not on Pandora." I told him regretfully.

"Aww, man!' Brick whined like a little kid. That's kind of what Brick is, I guess. A violent, but easy-going child, trapped in the body of an MMA fighter hopped up on steroids.

"There, there, big guy." I pat him on the back, sympathetically. "Tell you what, once we crack open that Vault, and destroy The Destroyer, we'll all go out for milkshakes."

"Thanks, boss." Brick said, a small smile making its way onto his beefy face. "You always know how to cheer me up."

"I know my employees." I shrug off his gesture, humbly. "Now let's turn in this jack off's bounty and get some wheels."

The headstone mine wasn't exactly in the neighborhood. It was way out there in the badlands. And if we wanted to get to where we need to go before the Vault's two hundred year deadline, we can't walk it. Also, walking friggin 'sucks. Fuck cardio.

It didn't take us too long to get back to Fyrestone. Claptrap was sadly almost done burying the dead bandits. Which meant I'll soon have to find another polite excuse, to get him the hell away from me. Not that I had time to react, the second we came strolling into town, he was on us faster than an electric powered unicycle…

Or maybe slower than an electric unicycle, I don't know. Wouldn't it be faster than Claptrap? Claptrap looks a lot heavier than a unicycle. *Cough* Fatty *Cough*. Either way, the fat annoying robot came up to bother me, again.

"Friends! Welcome back!" Claptrap joyously greeted, discarding his shovel entirely, via throwing it through some poor guy's window.

"Sorry Claptrap, we're really busy, don't have time to talk, bye!" I said quickly, rushing past the droid before it had the chance to talk any more.

The others were quick to follow, as eager to get away from the machine as I was. Unfortunately, Claptrap also followed, and the aborted Wall-E was very persistent. "I can come with you! I finished burying those bandits just like you asked!"

I got a couple looks from the Vault Hunters at that, so I just mouthed to them later. Even though I'm probably not gonna explain myself later. Procrastination is a great way to avoid questions that you don't want to answer.

"Umm… nope." I told him, half searching for a decent reason to deny him. "We have to turn in our bounty and leave. Gotta go to the headstone mine, very dangerous. You should stay here. Away from us,"

"The headstone mine?" Claptrap asked, his bright blue optic of what barely passes as an eye, brightens in anticipation. "I know where that is! I can be your guide, and you'll all love me!"

"Nope!" Brick refused.

"No." Roland denied.

"Not a chance." Mordecai disagreed.

"Never gonna happen." Lilith rejected.

"Yeah, sorry, that's a no buddy." I wince, kicking myself mentally for accidentally calling him buddy. He won't let that go. "I think we're good."

"Are you- are you sure?" Claptrap asked us, heartbroken.

"Yes." We all spoke unanimously in agreement.

"Oh. I see." Claptrap sniffed. I mentioned he doesn't need to breathe, right? Strictly, scientifically speaking, I have no idea why he's doing this. "I'll just go then." He rolls away. Loud, obnoxious whining could be heard in the short distance he traveled.

"That wasn't nice." Angel scolded us, in a condescending yet naive tone, that only a child could master.

"Sorry, Angel." I apologized reflexively, having grown used to the little Siren making me feel guilty.

"He was only trying to help." Angel continued to berate, ignoring my apology.

"I know, Angel." I allowed reluctantly, slightly annoyed at my daughter. But only half as much as I was with the robot.

"You're going to apologize." She did not request. It might be my influence on her, but Angel can be pretty assertive when she wants to be.

"Yes, Angel." I agreed noncommittally but knew that sooner or later I'd have to. If there's been one disadvantage of having Angel connected to the Hyperion network, it would be that privacy was really hard to come by.

Angel gave me a stern look, before she ceased her weird siren communication. "How long have you been working with her?" Lilith asked curiously, having watched our interaction in silent laughter.

"A few years now." I shrug nonchalantly. "Made her way before that, but I didn't start having her help out until I thought she was ready."

"She wasn't when you made her?" Roland asked with a raised brow.

"Hell no." I scoffed. "When I made her, she couldn't even do a tenth of what she's capable of now. Don't get me wrong, I always had high hopes for her, but she's surprised and amazed me in ways I never thought possible."

"You talk about her like she's your kid." Mordecai pointed out.

"You treat Bloodwing like she's yours." I argue, nodding to the bird on his shoulder.

Mordecai chuckled, rubbing Bloodwing's beak affectionately. "Touché. She mean that much to you?"

"More." I answered him briefly, honestly, and sincerely. "She's, heh- this'll sound cheesy but... she's my angel."

That got a few reactions from the gang. Lilith cooed, Brick awed, Mordecai chuckled, and Roland, he looked thoughtful. "You never did say what she-"

"Yo! Zed, we're here!" I called out as we neared the fake doctor's garage. That's one awkward conversation avoided. For now.

"Already?" Dr. Zed actually seemed disappointed for some reason. "Guess you couldn't kill him, huh? Ain't nothing to be embarrassed about-"

"Woah!" I cut him off, waving my arms frantically to shut him up. "Who said we didn't kill him?" I made a gesture to Lilith, who got the hint and tossed me the mask. "One dead bandit, as the doctor ordered."

Zed took the mask gingerly, his eyes widening in surprise, before he whooped with glee. "Hell, y'all actually did it! Good riddance!" He remarked, casually tossing the mask over his shoulder. "You just cleaned up this planet, at least a tiny bit. Head over to the bounty board, y'all earned every penny."

I give the man a mock salute, and start inputting the information into the system, while discreetly eavesdropping on the others.

"So, what do you think of Angel?" Roland asked the others, oblivious to my master skills of personal invasion.

Lilith shrugged the question off, leaning against the garage. "She seems cool, not really sure what she does. But if Jack says she's good, then she probably is."

"And you're not the least bit suspicious of her." Roland pressed them.

"Nope." Brick didn't seem to care.

"Not really." Mordecai agreed with equal disinterest.

Apathy, the human being's natural state. Roland's acting a little paranoid, but given what I knew of his background, he's got the right to be. He used to be part of the Crimson Lance, Atlas's hired "soldiers".

Heh, please. At best, they were mercenaries. At worst, they were assassins, executioners, murderers. Rhys may have turned it around but make no mistake, old Atlas, this Atlas, was as corrupt as the rest of them. Maybe even worse.

One of the best things Handsome Jack ever did was grind them into dust.

That's one aspect of history I intend to repeat.

Oh, the payment's been processed. Five thousand, not bad. "Gather 'round, kiddos!" I called to my squad, pretending I didn't hear Roland's accusations. "It's time for your first paycheck."

They gave a cheer at that, although Lilith gave me a mischievous look as I handed her cash over. "You better still give us a million on top of this." She warned, with a sly smile.

I held a hand to my heart, as if hurt by the mere accusation. "Why, Lilith I never-." I started dramatically before she punched me in the shoulder. "Ow!" I exclaimed as I rubbed the spot she struck. "You're mean." I playfully whine.

In response, Lilith maturely stuck her tongue out. In retaliation, I had no choice but to do the same. "Um, guys." Roland awkwardly called, drawing our attention as we turned to him with our tongues out. "Can we go now?"

I was forced to put my tongue back in, as I cannot speak without it. Alas I doubt the others knew sign language, like I did, in my many talented ways. "Not just yet." I informed him, before dividing my share of a thousand into four, and passed it out.

"Hey." Lilith tried to stop me. "You don't need to do that, I was just joking-"

"It's fine." I assured her. "I don't need the money."

"Neither do we." Lilith argued, hands on her hips.

"You don't." I allow. "You want it, and I want to give it. So, why not?"

"Because it's yours." She answered, forcing the cash back into my hands. "You came with us, you fought with us, you earned it just as much as us. Maybe more because you actually killed Nine-Toes."

I still wanted to give her the money, I didn't need it, believe me, My salary paid enough to make a thousand look like pocket change. But I learned a long time ago, when the lady wants you to do something, it's better to just go along. "Okay." I accepted with a sigh.

Lilith looked at me for a moment in assurance before nodding. "Okay." She agreed.

"So, boss." Brick coughed, and I turned to him. "We can go now, right?"

"We still need some wheels." I pointed out. "But once we get some, we're out of here." I promised.

"Perhaps, I can help." Spoke a deep Russian accent, that I was all too familiar with. Though, not in this lifetime.

Turning around we saw the most prominent bus driver/arms dealer on Pandora, and probably in the Borderlands too. Marcus Kincaid, not gonna lie, for the longest time I thought his last name was Munitions.

"Absolutely not." Roland rejected the offer point blank.

"My friends," Marcus replied, feigning hurt. "Did you forget? It was I who brought you to Fyrestone, I could easily transport-"

"We didn't forget." Lilith remarked, cutting the arms dealer off. "It was one of the worst experiences of my life, and I swear that bus smells like feet."

"It does not smell like feet." Marcus denied, angrily.

"It totally smells like feet." Brick disagreed.

"Well, even if it did, and I'm not saying it does." Marcus pointed to Lilith, as she made to argue. "It's still one of the best smelling vehicles you'll find on Pandora."

"He makes a good point." I said, receiving large amounts of shock from all parties present. "I'm not saying we hire him. I'm just saying, it's gonna be hard to find a good car around these parts."

"You could always ask T.K." Dr. Zed informed us, speaking up for the first time in the entire conversation. "Scooter, a car mechanic, owes him a pretty big favor. He could get you some wheels."

I shrugged. "Worth a shot."

Marcus objected. "You don't need to go to a blind old cripple or a redneck mechanic to get a lift! I have a perfectly good bus right there." He pointed to an old, word down bus, that seemed one bolt short of totaled.

A strange rusty metal part fell off the bus, and Marcus seemed worried. Now I'm not a mechanic, so I'm not really sure what the problem is. But, all the same, I think I'm gonna take a pass here. "We'll get back to you on that." I informed Marcus sarcastically.

...​

I love that answer.

"Hmmm. Let me think about it." Never thinks about it.

Anyways! Hope you all enjoyed! Like I said, this will get updated daily for, well, honestly at least another month, and some change, until we get all caught up with public release. So, if you want to skip ahead, feel free to check me out FFN or SpaceBattles, or my Patreon!

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 8 Catch-A-Skag!

"Is that him?" Lilith asked her boss, as they neared the shack.

"Yup, that's our guy." Handsome Jack told her, looking displeased at the man's state.

"He looks passed out." Roland remarked.

He definitely did, slouched oddly in his chair, hugging a shotgun to his chest like a teddy bear. T.K. wore some tacky striped pants, and strange goggles, making him look a little ridiculous. Not that it would matter too much to him.

If there was one thing blind people didn't care for it was appearances… and people who made of them for being blind.

"Or dead." Brick noted, looking skeptically at the blind man.

"I don't think he's dead." Mordecai disagreed.

"You don't know." Brick argued, childishly.

"Look, Jack said he talked to him earlier, right?" Mordecai paused as he looked to their boss for verification and got a nod in return. "It's not like he would have just dropped dead in the time it took for us to walk over here."

They all waited a moment, and T.K. still didn't move.

"I think he might be dead, you guys." Mordecai changed his opinion, flippantly.

Lilith rolled her eyes. "Old men sleep. A lot. That's what old men do, it's part of what they're known for."

"You don't know!" Mordecai fell back to Brick's argument.

Lilith sighed and turned to Roland, the rational one of their group. "You don't think he's dead, do you?"

Roland shrugged. "Only one way to find out."

"He's right." Jack agreed, looking serious. "Brick, go get a really long stick."

Roland turned to Jack, confused. "What?"

"We need to find out if he's dead." Jack said, like it was obvious.

"Yeah, so why do we need a stick?" Roland asked, bewildered.

"So, we can poke his body from a safe range." Jack explained. "He's got a shotgun, not a sniper rifle. We poke him from far enough away, and we'll be fine."

"That's… not what I had in mind." Roland spoke slowly, trying to find fault in Jack's logic.

Handsome Jack raised an eyebrow but seemed willing to humor him. "Okay, what do you want to do."

Roland simply raised his right hand to show the lead stopper he'd been holding.

Jack actually looked a little disappointed. "Oh." He even seemed to deflate. "Yeah, sure. I guess that could work too. Less fun and all, but uh, feel free."

Lilith seemed inclined to agree. "I like Jack's plan better, this one feels dumb." She voiced her opinion, raising Jack's spirits, and lowering Roland's.

"And what would you suggest?" Roland questioned, feeling inclined to defend his own plan.

"Well, I could just walk up to the guy and tap his shoulder, and then Phasewalk if he shoots. Of course, if you want to go get shot…" She trailed off teasingly.

"Umm, right." Roland hesitantly agreed. "That's a good plan, we should do that." Jack subtly shifted himself behind Roland and gave her a thumbs up.

Lilith smirked at the guys, then carefully approached T.K., and cautiously tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me-"

"Cripes!" T.K. startled, firing awake, by firing his shotgun.

"Crap." It was only because of years of practice, resourcefulness, and knee jerk reactions that prevented her from getting blown back at point blank range. Phasewalking at the last possible second, the shot went right through her intangible form.

"Agkk!" ... and right into Roland, who had no such defense. Well other than the vest and shield that saved his life, though sadly in this case, not his dignity.

Mordecai and Brick broke out laughing at the poor soldier's misfortune. Even Jack gave a few chuckles as he stood over their downed teammate. "Ha, you alright, kiddo?" Jack asked him between breaths.

Roland gasped in pain. "You knew that would happen." He accused.

"Maybe." Handsome Jack drawled, offering a hand to the fallen soldier, who reluctantly took it.

Lilith didn't feel keen on taking chances after that, snatching the old man's weapon away from him. "No more shotgun!" She scolded him, like a mother taking away her kid's toys for misbehaving.

"You won't take me alive, you heartless beast!" T.K. fought in vain against an enemy only his blind eyes could see. Waving his arms, and pulling at hair, until Lilith managed to calm down.

"I can't breathe… I can't breathe." Mordecai "complained", wheezing through his giggles. "I will laugh about this forever."

Brick grunted in agreement, as Roland's glare assured he would murder the both of them. Jack patted the man on the shoulder, as he walked up to talk to the old man. "Hey, T.K."

"Ohhh." T.K. sighed in relief. "It's Jack right? Whatcha doing back here? Did you get Nine-Toes?"

"It's Handsome Jack." He reminded T.K. "And yes, we killed him, but that's not why we're here. I'm ready to help you out with that favor of yours, if you're willing to do one for us."

"Well, sure." T.K. agreed kindly. "If you can help me avenge my wife, leg, and eyes, I'll do just about anything."

That… that was a lot to unpack. It didn't help that T.K. was smiling the whole time. "Ah, okay then… Who do we need to kill?" Lilith asked hesitatingly.

At this, T.K. frowned. "Scar." He answered vehemently.

"And uh, who's Scar?" Jack questioned, the eyebrow on his mask raising in confusion.

"Oh, he's a skag." T.K. answered seemingly nonchalant. "He killed my wife a while back and ate my leg. Zed made me a prosthetic one, so I tried to kill him, but skar just ate that one too, and also blinded me. Also, that reminds me if you see my fake leg, could you get it for me?"

"Uh huh." Jack agreed absentmindedly. "So, where can we find-"

"Are you sure you want us to do this?" Roland interrupted, gazing at T.K. sympathetically.

"Pretty sure, yes." T.K. didn't miss a beat. "After everything that monster took from me, killing him is the least I can do in return."

"I lost people I cared about too." Roland emphasized. "We were betrayed, and I hunted the man who did it for a long time, looking for revenge."

"Did you get it?"

"Revenge isn't the same as peace." Roland warned. "It won't fill the hole they left behind. It just makes a deeper hole."

"But did you get it?" T.K. asked ignoring the soldier's warning.

"Yes." Roland answered after a pause. "It didn't help though. Maybe I gave my team the justice they deserved, maybe I stopped him from hurting anyone else. But I didn't do it for anyone else, I did it for me. And I'm telling you, it doesn't help. The people we cared about they're still gone, avenging them won't change that."

"I know." T.K. spoke solemnly, but optimistically. "But if just for once, I can think about my Marian without seeing that monster's face, that'd be enough for me."

Lilith looked at the others and saw that they felt as much empathy as she had. They would do it, she was just the first to say it. "We'll kill him." She promised.

...​

"That… is one big skag." I remark anxiously as we gazed down on the spiked monster. Call me crazy, but I'm fairly certain that T.K.'s sword is still lodged through part of its face. How is this thing even alive?

Didn't exactly make me hopeful about are chances of killing it.

"That ain't a skag, amigo. It's a small mountain." Mordecai corrected, looking as worried as I was.

"What, like a hill?" Brick asked Mordecai, not quite understanding metaphors,

"What?"

"You said it was a small mountain." Brick shrugged. "That's a hill. I could kill a hill. No big deal."

"Loving that confidence, Dr. Seuss." I said, looking at Brick humorously. "You wanna come up with the plan of attack this time?"

Brick ginned and slapped a fist against his palm. "I got it. We hit it… until it dies!" He explained excitedly, looking to us for approval.

I blink for a couple of moments. "Okay, uh good plan. Solid plan, but let's just put that on the backburner for right now." I suggest diplomatically, before turning to Roland. "How about you?"

Roland looked thoughtful for a minute or two, before sighing. "I got nothing."

I tried not to groan. "Great. Does anyone have a plan?" Lilith alone raised her hand, well Brick did too, but I'm not counting "punch it until it dies" as a viable strategy. "Yes, Ms. Lilith."

"Well, Mr. Jack," Lilith rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling. "You could send out some of your… what are they called? Holodoubles or something?"

"Expendable assets." I answer, with a small smile. "I like that though, mind if I borrow it?"

"Sure, anyways, you send them out, and get Scar's attention. Roland can provide covering fire, and Brick can help you move them into position. I want you guys to lure him to the cliff, and once he's there we can knock him off."

"Already sounds better than Brick's plan." Mordecai smirked. "I'm in. Whaddya want me to do, girly?" Lilith leaned in to whisper something to Mordecai's ear. I didn't catch what she said, but whatever it was Mordecai didn't seem to care for it. "Can we go back to Brick's plan?"

"Nah." I denied, taking a small amount of pleasure at the panic Mordecai was developing. "I like it! You can take point Lil, let's make it happen."

Lilith smiled at me, before continuing. "When I say go, we move out… Go!"

And like that, we were off.

Now I probably had one of the easiest jobs, didn't mean I was out of harm's way. My job is to get the attention of the large, seemingly unkillable monster, and have him follow me. Or better yet, make the Digi Me's and Brick do it.

Let's try that. "Hey roadkill!" I taunted the ferocious, and legitimately terrifying monster. "Come get…" I paused, throwing out the expendable assets, so we could finish in harmony. "All of me."

They're friendly fire protocols kicked in, and they bombarded the monster over and over with lasers, though it only seemed to piss Scar off. Considering I've seen my boys take out Nine-Toes, and his skags, in half the effort, this was mildly alarming.

"Raaghhh!" Brick yelled in a battle cry, as he threw himself into the fight. Helping me near Scar towards the cliff. Scar tried to chomp Brick in punishment, but a few shots from Roland quickly discouraged him.

"Over here, boy!" I had the Digi-Jack's bait the beast, as it neared the cliff even more. Scar sliced right through one of them, turning him into a digital mess of code and pixels. Scar ignored the other, in favor of glaring at me.

It tried to attack but halted as it was assaulted by a wave of electricity from behind. In all her beautiful, siren glory, Lilith had appeared. "Sup." She offered the beast in greeting.

"Raaghhh!" It replied in return.

I'll admit, I don't know too much about animal emotions. But if I were a betting man, then I'd guess Scar was feeling pretty peeved.

It attempted to pounce on Lilith, probably an effort to tear her apart with his fangs and claws. But Lilith, being Lilith, Phasewalked at the last possible second. Sending the beast through her, and off of the cliff.

"Mordecai!" Lilith called in impatience.

"Shiiiit!" Mordecai cried, as he leaped towards Skar from an upper cliff.

When did he get there?

Why do I continue letting my employees do mostly whatever they want?

These are questions that I will not answer. Why, you may ask. Simple, because for most given situations, I really, really don't care.

Now back to the fight, yeah? Mordecai had just followed through on Lilith's plan for him to jump off of a cliff, like an idiot, and use his sword to stab a vicious man eating monster at close range. I'm not sure why he agreed to that plan, and I also don't care. As I might've mentioned.

Either way, it's kind of worked.

Lilith made her way down to the dying beast, this time it had two swords lodged in it, and had fallen from a considerable height. If any of us tried that, we would've probably gone splat.

Really glad I installed the fall recall for the Fast Travel.

Lilith grabbed hold of both swords, pulled them out, and glared at Skar menacingly. And stabbed him in the brain.

Wow.

"That was… badass!" I cheered her on, as I slid down the canyon to her level. I pointed a finger at her, in astonishment. "You… you're awesome! Did you know that?"

She raised the swords in victory, before bowing theatrically at my praise. "It's been said, yes." Lilith answered, her tone full of amusement. "And shall this dashing heroine get a reward?"

"I should think so!" I agreed happily, still reeling from amazement. "What do you want?"

Lilith dropped the swords and marched up to me cockily. Grabbing hold of my vest, she pulled me towards her, and smirked. "I can think of a thing or two." She said, before kissing me.

It was… I'm sorry. My mind shut down, I- I'm speechless. That's never happened before. As she draws away from me to breathe, I try to gather my senses. "Was that the thing?" I asked, voicing the first thought that wouldn't mortify me.

"Nope." Lilith answered cheekily. "I just wanted to do it."

"I see." I replied, after a moment. But I really didn't. "Can we do it again?"

Lilith chuckled, before giving me a smile, and a wink. "Maybe, now come on. Buy a girl a car."

...​

"You done, yet?" I asked Scooter, thankfully he wasn't too far from Fyrestone, otherwise we would have needed to take Marcus's bus.

"Just about, man." Scooter answered in a hillbilly accent. Hillbillies in space... what has my life become? "Still gotta fix a few crossed wires, a busted manifold, a-"

"Cool." I interrupt him, completely disinterested in the nuances and expertise of mechanical engineering. At least, when it wasn't mine.

Say what you will about Scooter, he may be a hillbilly, loud, obnoxious, more than slightly incestuous, homicidal at times… where was I going with this? He's a great mechanic, and a (moderately) good person.

He was more endearing then Claptrap at any rate.

"Mr. Jack!" Speaking of the robotic devil…

"Yes, Claptrap?" I asked with a sigh.

"I must insist! You NEED my help! I can show you all where the headstone mine is!" Claptrap argued his case, greatly desiring the chance to come along.

"Big deal, I bet every local knows. Hey Scooter, you know where the headstone mine is?" I asked, looking down at the oil stained mechanic.

"Nope." Scooter answered helpfully.

"Okay, bad example." I amended. "But that still doesn't mean you can come. Besides, if even we wanted you." Kind of like wanting a tumor. "There's no room."

"You could always strap me to the back of the car." Claptrap suggested. "Like a bike!"

"You're a lot heavier than a bike." I pointed out. "There's no way that would work, right Scooter?"

"Nah, it would." Scooter denied.

"I'm gonna stop asking you stuff, Scooter."

"Sorry!"

"So, can I come?!" Claptrap asked excitedly, looking at me in what I'm assuming is a hopeful expression. Still hard to tell, he has a robot face… which is also his body.

I wanted to reject him, but I couldn't think of a good reason. And honestly, we'd need a guide if we wanted to get to Sledge. I prepared myself to grant a soul crushing permission, when the door to Scooter garage burst open.

"Aha!" Marcus laughed triumphantly. "The bus works! I can take you and your friends anywhere you need to go, for a modest fee, of course. No need to wait any longer."

I sighed and made to deny the arms dealer/bus drivers offer, when a wickedly wonderful thought occurred to me. I gazed back at the Claptrap, then back at Marcus. "Any of my friends?"

"Of course, you have my guarantee!"

At the moment, all I offered Marcus, was a small insidious smile.

...​

"God damnit." Marcus gave a large groan, as he turned the key into the ignition.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Claptrap shouted enthused.

...​

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[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 9 Just A Quickie

This is so unfair.

"Stop skulking." Roland, the car thief, demanded from behind the steering wheel. He won the rights to drive the car we earned, and I paid for, in a tried and tested game.

Rock paper scissors.

In my defense, how could've I foreseen him choosing rock for all three rounds?! It's the perfect counter to my scissors only strategy, I never saw it coming. Leave it to a soldier to learn all the tactics.

"It was a stupid game anyway." I muttered, crossing my arms, and looking down.

"Cheer up." Lilith wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "It could be worse. You could be in Brick's spot right now."

Currently, Brick was on our turret, looking for the smallest excuse to fire. Then randomly firing at anything, for no particular reason at all.

It was an interesting car, Scooter fashioned up for us.

It was a bit different then how it worked in the game. Instead of just magicking up a brand new car out of nothing but code, like the Digi-struct implied, we had to take one. Specifically, one of the Bandit Technicals that attacked Fyrestone.

It was pretty beat up, but after we persuaded Brick to push it into Scooter's garage, we got it repaired in about an hour or two. And now, we have the car uploaded into the Catch-A-Ride, so we can ditch it, and get it from another terminal, if we wanted.

"At least Brick's having fun." I argued childishly, gazing up at the big man with the big gun. The smile on his face, and his occasional whoop offered no rebuttal. "We're stuck in the backseat."

And by backseat, I meant the bed of our monster truck-like ride. Which is pretty unsafe during normal conditions. But we're going over a hundred miles an hour in a rocky, desert terrain, with the risk of getting shot at.

Roland better be a safe driver.

"We know. We're here too, amigo." Mordecai commented, trying to sit in a comfortable position, while supporting Bloodwing, who was perched on his shoulder. "Just as much risk, just as little fun as you. You don't see us complaining."

"That's because Lilith's invincible, and you're at less risk than everyone else." I point out, to his confusion. "Lilith can turn intangible if shit goes south. And you have Bloodwing, if we crash, she could just carry you to safety."

Lilith looked smug, Bloodwing preened, and Mordecai seemed annoyed. "The bird can fly, I can't. Besides, I'm too big for her to carry" He argued, muttering some Truxican swears under his breath.

Truxicans, the space Mexicans. It's a good thing I'm not a racist hotdog.

"Have you ever tried?" I asked him teasingly.

"You do remember that I jumped off a cliff, right?" Mordecai rolled his eyes at my question.

"But that's just it, you jumped, and survived. I think if the car exploded you'd be fine." I remind him, still inspecting him for the injuries, he should have gotten.

The fall recall didn't bring him to the nearest fast travel, which probably meant that he would have survived his leap, without crippling himself. I'm still trying to figure out how. What are your secrets birdman?

Mordecai's confidence appeared to be renewed, because he just sat up straighter, and smirked proudly before replying. "Okay, so maybe we would be fine." He gestured to himself and Lilith, who gave a peace sign. "But how would driving help you survive the crash?"

"It probably wouldn't." I admit shamelessly, to their surprise. "I just want the privilege of driving the car I helped pay for, before I die." I said that second part louder, directing my attention to our current driver, Roland.

He pretended not to hear me.

Dick.

"Well, you could ride with Marcus and Claptrap." Lilith suggested teasingly.

"Nope!" I quickly answered. "It's fine, everything's fine, could always be worse!"

...​

"They're stopping." Roland commented, as we slowed down to park near the arm's dealers' bus.

Coincidentally, waking me up from my short power nap. I gave a small yawn, and absentmindedly patted my 'pillow', Lilith, who thankfully dozed off too.

I also gave a small glare to Mordecai, who seemed to be completely awake, and smiling smugly. I mimed a 'cut your throat, if you say anything gesture', and got off the Technical. Taking a few hesitant steps to get my footing.

"So, we're here?" I asked Marcus and Claptrap skeptically, as they departed from the bus. "It doesn't look like a mine."

And indeed, it didn't, it looked like a barren wasteland. Then again, so did the rest of Pandora. But as I'm fairly certain a mine would involve a dig site, or you know at least a structure, I'm fairly certain this isn't it.

Marcus seemed inclined to agree, as he shook his head in approval. "The robot says it's still a couple of miles, that way." He gestured with a pointed thumb. "This is as far as I'm going though. I like being alive."

Fair enough. "Alright. And Claptrap, you're sure that's where the headstone mine is?" If I found out he's been lying for the attention… I can't be held accountable for what I'd do to him.

"Of course, Mr. Jack!" Claptrap answered positively. "Dahl personally had me-"

"Again, really not comfortable with all this Dahl stuff." I stopped him with a raised hand, while rubbing the other over my masked forehead. "Okay, easy peasy. A little bit more driving, and we're there, let's get moving people."

"One more thing." Marcus cut us off, before we made it back to the car. I swear if this is some kind of side quest, I'll- "I want double."

What? "What?"

"You paid me to have Claptrap escort you, then drop him off wherever. This is wherever." Marcus gestured to the empty dessert. "If you want me to inflict him on some poor town, I want double."

Well that's a no brainer. "Hell no-"

"Dad." Angel didn't threaten, she was way too sweet for that. But even a deaf man could hear the warning tone in her voice.

I sighed, and very reluctantly accepted the bus driver's terms. "Fine." I grit out, forking over some cash from my wallet.

That wallet's getting real light.

Marcus counted each bill respectively, ensuring that he was paid a sufficient bribe, before stowing the money, and nodding. "A pleasure doing business with you. Next stop: New Haven. Feel free to look me up."

"Oh boy!" Claptrap cheered excitedly. "I've never been to New Haven, I wonder if they have Claptraps. Or ramps! Or maybe…" At that point I tuned the robot out before I went insane, gazing back at the bus driver, he seemed equally unamused.

Marcus frowned. "On second thought, triple-"

"Don't push it." I warned, glaring at both him and the babbling machine.

Marcus chuckled and waved his hand placatingly. "Was just a joke, all is well." He grabbed the mechanical monstrosity and walked back to his bus. I'm pretty sure he was swearing in Russian under his breath.

They drove away, into the sunset, never to be seen again… well, actually they might. But a man can hope. Or in this case dream.

Delusions counted as dreams, right?

...​

"Remember people, we don't need him alive. Just his Vault Key, so don't pull your punches. Looking at you Brick." Jack reminded them, giving a pointed look to Brick at the end.

Brick looked visibly offended by the accusation. "I would never."

"Uh huh." Jack drawled, unconvinced. "By the way, about your whole punching method…"

"Yeah?" Brick questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, that's gonna have to go." Jack informed the much larger, much more intimidating man, uncaringly.

"What?!" Brick screamed outraged.

"Oh, don't be like that." Jack rolled his eyes at the big man's concerns. "I get it, you're a badass. Thing is, The Destroyer eats badasses. So, I need you to be an ultimate badass."

"I can be an ultimate badass." Brick argued pitifully.

"Well, of course you can." Jack agreed patronizingly. "If you start using a gun."

"I used the turret." Brick reminded, receiving a small groan for his efforts.

Jack rubbed the forehead of his mask reflexively, in his signature form of a facepalm. "That's not your gun, it's the car's gun. And, case in point, we're not always in the car."

"Why not?" Brick asked, like every child who asked why, ever. And about everything.

"Because…" Jack actually seemed to hesitate. It was unclear if he was genuinely unsure, or if he was trying to find a way to calmly explain why a car could not fit into places like mines. "Because I said so."

His argument for either was the same.

"But I like punching things." Brick bemoaned. Looking at his bloody and bruised fists forlornly.

"You can still punch things." Jack reassured, breathing slowly to avoid yelling. "But once we get you a gun, you can shoot them too."

Brick sighed, before reluctantly nodding. "Okay…"

"Okay?" Jack double checked.

"Okay." Brick answered firmly "But on one condition."

"Ah, sure. What is it?" Jack asked bemused.

"I get to pick the gun." Brick was never known for his skills of negotiation.

"Roger that, big guy. Whaddya want? Assault rifle, sniper rifle, laser-"

"I want a shotgun." Brick interrupted.

"A… shotgun." Jack blinked, and rubbed a finger into his ear, as if he misheard.

"Yup." Brick agreed with a smile.

"That's what you want?" Jack asked deadpanned.

"That's what I said." Brick clarified.

"Uh huh" Jack sighed, and looked to the heavens "… Brick, you're already a close range fighter, you don't need a shotgun."

"You said I could pick." Brick reminded, with an accusing finger.

"No, I know. It's just… really?!" Handsome Jack threw up his hands in frustration.

"Yup." Brick repeated, grin restored.

"Fine, whatever. Suit yourself… Hey, where are the others?" Jack asked, after he noticed the absence of the other people he's paying.

"Oh, they went ahead." Brick answered nonchalantly.

"What? When did they leave!?" Jack asked, confused, and mortified by his lack of attention.

"About five minutes ago."

"And you didn't say anything?!"

"You didn't ask." Brick crossed his arms with a pout.

"I- You-!" Jack struggled with himself. "You need to-"

"Guys! Can you get over here already!?" Lilith called frantically from further along the mine.

"Yeah, we're coming!" Jack called back, rolling his eyes before turning back to Brick with a pointed finger. "This conversation is not over."

"Whatever you say boss." Brick allowed with a chuckle, before they both sprinted to catch up with the other Vault Hunters.

Oddly enough, the conversation never continued.

...​

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Chapter 10 The Headstone Mine (No Pun Required)

You know, I'm not quite sure why I'm so okay with killing all of these bandits.

Maybe it's some lingering feelings from Jack, or some righteous and archaic form of delivering justice onto some of the worst beings to exist in the galaxy. Or even, the most terrifying possibility, this is just a game to me.

And I'm not talking about how easy this is, or how fun it can be (although it is pretty fun). No, I'm thinking more along the lines of my brain just processing all of this violence, all of this chaos, as some advanced VR game of Borderlands.

Thankfully, I immediately disregarded this theory because it is utter, fucking, bullshit.

I know what I'm in for, this whole adventure that I (not quite) signed up for. I'm probably just feeling this way because I've prepared for it. I've been building up to this moment for years. A lot of "how to" training videos, mostly.

And also state of the art, Hyperion technology and weapons, that I may have convinced R&D to loan me. And by "convince" I mean coerced… And by "loan" I mean borrow without returning. Ever.

It's all for a very noble cause.

Which makes it all okay. I think. I'm pretty sure that as I long as I stop myself from going too far, I can get away with a few morally ambiguous choices. I am trying to save the galaxy here, I have to make a few tough calls.

And slightly blackmailing some of the most absolutely morally bankrupt scientists among Hyperion's Research and Development program, didn't really phase me. Of course, neither did killing bandits.

Which is the problem. Maybe?

Honestly, should I feel bad about killing them? They're all a bunch of homicidal maniacs anyways. And he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. Or dies by the meat bicycle, in this case.

"I'm going to wear your spine to MY funeral!" An insane bandit cheerfully announced, clarifying the point I was mulling over. Yeah, these guys make it pretty easy to feel unsympathetic.

"Pass." I denied, emphasizing my point by unloading a round inside his skull. My aim has gotten so much better. I mean, it was at point blank range, sure, but it's getting there.

Practice makes perfect.

No shortage of that on Pandora. I absentmindedly reloaded my pistol, having dealt with the bandits who previously surrounded me. I saw Lilith handling her own, facing off a Badass Psycho all by herself.

If there was anyone that could manage that as effortlessly in reality, as it was in the game, then that person was Lilith. I've said it before, and I'll probably mention it again, but that girl was unstoppable.

Occasionally you read these comics, watch some movie, or play a game about some super powered, super badass. The ones that can tackle any problem, save any day, and be back home for brunch. But actually, seeing it in action.

Words just can't compare.

Words don't show how epic it is, watching the universe's greatest Siren (fuck off, Tyreen) beat down a monster three times her size, in a quarter of the effort. Words can't make you feel the awe, the weight in your gut, when you watch someone's hand phase through someone's chest to rip out their heart.

I really wanted to lend Lilith a hand, if only to get a better look, but I didn't want to interrupt her. She was pretty into her fight at the moment and looked like she was having a lot of fun. It'd be rude to cut her off.

Also, I didn't want to risk her hand going through my chest.

I've grown pretty comfortable with Jack's body. Even built up a six pack! No need to ruin this Adonis figure via a fist shaped hole. I can personally attest that it does not look attractive. At least, judging by some of Brick's vict- ahem- combatants.

Speaking of the seven foot goliath statue made of polished adamantium, an NFL league's weight in steroids, and a sperm donation (broken condom) from Hercules, where is the big guy?

"Ahhh!" Some random, and irrelevant bandit screamed in terror, unknowingly answering my question, as I turned my head to the noise. What I saw, had me frozen in awe as well. Not necessarily in amazement, but it was kind of like watching a semi-truck crash into a clown car.

You can't look away, no matter how bad it gets, and every once in a while, you have to force down a chuckle. Watching Brick literally beat a man to death with his own skull, that was… intense.

Also, technically impossible. But who gives a shit?

Considering the fact that I recently talked the jolly, not green, giant into using a shotgun, in lieu of solving all of life's problems with his fists. Well, he might just be making the most of the time he's got left. This may be partially my fault.

Either that, OR Brick was always a violent psychopath, and just projected all of his anger onto the original Handsome Jack, 'cause he was an easy target… I like how that shifts the blame off me, but this is getting a bit too brutal.

Even by my standards, and if that isn't saying something, I don't know what is. "Hey, Brick." I called over to my own personal Mini-Hulk.

Brick paused mid swing, dropping the skull that was now catered in the blood of two different bandits "Yeah?" He called back nonchalant, taking a moment to flex his shoulders, and crack his neck. "What's up, boss?"

"I think he's had enough." I parroted the words he said to me, not that long ago.

Brick raised an eyebrow, then looked back at the gruesome scene, of bandit blood, bone, and limbs, scattered across the floor of the mine. He winced and turned back to me with a remorseful look. "Sorry. I guess I got carried away."

"Happens to everyone." I cheerfully reassure him, glad to not be the only guy in the group with a few screws loose. "But, yeah. I think we're good here."

Well, I think we are.

Haven't actually checked in with Mordecai and Roland yet. I know, I should keep a better track of my team. In my defense, when half of your team consists of the strongest man alive (Hulk doesn't exist, here), and a sexy badass with magical science powers, it's easy to get sidetracked.

So, with that in mind, I turn my attention to the Truxican sniper, who proves that as long as you have one gimmick, and an animal sidekick, you can do anything. Just ask Shaggy and Scooby, the biggest potheads alive.

Mordecai didn't seem to be doing anything, he was just leaning his back up against a crate. Making me question why I'm paying him. Seriously! This isn't Hyperion funded, you know?! I'm paying for it. Me!

I'm going to need to pay them a quarter of what I made from the Fast Travel sales. Do you have any idea how much money that is?! The least he could do is justify his paycheck.

Thankfully Bloodwing took more initiative. That beautiful bird decided, hey let's not stop fighting, just because the guys who were fighting us are dead, let's help our friends fight! Smart bird. That's why she gets half a million.

And why Mordecai will get a scolding, eventually. First I'm going to learn how to speak Truxican, so I can insult him in two different languages. Is Truxican the correct way of saying space Spanish?

I'm trying to lecture him, I think it'll be a bit hypocritical if I come off as intolerant.

Back to Bloodwing, and Roland, the man who would've been the de facto leader of the VH gang, if it wasn't for Jack 2.0, A.K.A: me. Roland had his turret deployed, because of course he did, it's his best friend, and Bloodwing was attacking from above, occasionally getting a bandit to walk in front of the turret.

How dumb can you get?

Evidently, extremely, as one bandit's plan of attack, was to bull rush the mounted machine gun. As even the weakest version of those could fire thirty-four rounds per second, I had to not only second guess their sanity, but their intelligence as well.

Not that their sanity, or lack thereof, was a big factor against them. I think that Dr. Tannis set the precedent for being relatively okay, without sanity. You know, as long as you're smart. But being insane and an idiot, that's where you cross the line.

Remember, kids! It's okay to be crazy as long as you're smart/sexy. But you can never be an idiot, there's no excuse for that. Ever. Not even if you're sexy. Beauty fades… Unless you're rich and can afford plastic surgery.

Moxxi could vouch.

What were we talking about? Right, the assembled ghost busters- I mean Vault Hunters had dispatched the rest of the goons. I mean bandits. Yup, totally unique characters and lineups here.

"Everyone good?" I asked, inspected the crew for injuries. Turning an 'I'm joking, but I'm really not joking' look towards Mordecai. And let me just say, this mask captures that expression perfectly. "How about you, Mordecai? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." The sniper answered, and I hate to admit it, but there is one advantage his mask has that mine doesn't. The ability to hide all of your facial expressions, so no one can ever tell how you're feeling, or what you're thinking.

Actually, is that really an advantage? Seems more like a double edged sword to me.

"Are you sure?" I double checked, my voice taking an almost involuntary teasing hue. "You don't have a bad back? Maybe a collapsed lung?"

"No?" Mordecai answered, but it came off as more of a question, as he voiced his confusion. "I'm good. Is something wrong?"

"Well I hope not." I tiptoe around the topic of frustration, going for a passive aggressive approach, rather than actively aggressive. "But you can never be too careful. And that's my job, right? I gotta watch out for my workers, you're my responsibility. I think we should all do our jobs."

"No arguments here." Mordecai shamelessly agreed. Nodding his head in encouragement, as the others gave him a blank stare.

"Uh huh." I wordlessly respond, not even bothering to make an actual remark. For a brief moment, it was just a tense staring contest, one guy in a mask, to another guy in a mask. Without being able to tell the winner, I came to the conclusion that we both lost.

But Mordecai lost more than me because he literally has no idea what he's done wrong.

I was going to inform him of this when Angel called us up on our Vault Hunting channel. "Hey D- Jack, I found some history on the Mine you might find useful." I love that kid! Always helpful, always likeable, never inactive.

Mordecai could learn a thing or two. "I like the way you think, kiddo! Whaddya got for us?" I asked, as my group, um- grouped up. I really need to expand my vocabulary.

"The Headstone Mine was originally a Dahl mining site, they indentured many criminals and prisoners into working. In return, their sentences were lowered, or they're executions were delayed."

"Slavery." Roland spoke in a blank tone, his fists clenched in anger. "Because that always goes so well." This is one of the few times I've heard his usually monotone voice make a different sound. I mean, it's wry, but that counts, right?

"Not in this case." Angel responded, probably to Roland's audible remark, rather than my internal monologue/thought process. "Sledge, the bandit leader you're hunting, was originally a worker here. However, a few months back, he instigated a mass prison riot, releasing many of the other prisoners, and killing the majority of the guards."

"A few months back, huh." I said, thinking over why that sounded so familiar. "Hey… Didn't Dahl throw in the towel around then?"

"Yes." Angel answered immediately, either having been thinking along the same lines, or just smart enough to immediately see the pattern. "This is very likely the reason. I'm unsure of what justification they gave to their employees, but it's clear that staying had become too costly."

"If they even bothered to give them a reason." I pointed out, thinking of the Lost Legion, as well Colonel Hector. "They seemed pretty eager to bail, left a lot of equipment, Could be they left some other stuff behind too."

Lilith's eyes widened slightly in surprise. "You don't think…"

"I don't know." I answered instead, predicting her question from the look of her face. I reluctantly continued. "But… If Hyperion ever does manage to get ahold of Pandora, we might need to do some scouting before we commit too much."

Which was my polite, and diplomatic way of saying: If there are any remaining Dahl forces by the time I start running this place, then there won't be when I'm done. I know it doesn't seem to translate too well, but politics has to do with more of what isn't said, rather than what is.

"Yeah, good call." Lilith responded, probably assuming I meant something nicer.

To be fair to her, I am going to try the nice, diplomatic way at first. But since I've played the games, I'm pretty sure we can all tell how far diplomacy will get me. Spoiler alert!: Not very.

Of course, if they are understandable, and fair about the situation, then they have nothing to worry about… It's wishful thinking on my part, I know. But I like pretending I'm not the only (occasionally) sane person in the galaxy.

"I thought so." I shrugged off the compliment, focusing on the immediate problem. "So, to recap: Dahl fuc- messed up," I've been trying to watch my language around Angel. It's a dad thing. "prisoners broke out, and now-"

"Now Pandora is all but overrun with bandits." Angel cut me off, while summing my thoughts perfectly. "The Headstone Mine is practically ground zero. You'll have your work cut out for you."

"Never liked an easy job, anyways." I said, before rubbing my metal plated goatee. "Okay, so history lesson aside, you know anything else about this place?"

"Like what?"

"Schematics? Blueprints? Any kind of map that'll help us navigate this crap shoot?" I asked, pondering where the hell we're going. And also, where the hell we are. Mines are virtually just a series of labyrinths and excavation equipment that all looked the same.

"Da- sir, it's a Mine" Angel stated incredulously, shocked that I actually asked for directions.

"So?"

"When have you ever seen a map of a mine? Never. They're not tourist attractions, they're a work site. A work site, that's part of a constantly changing environment." Angel rebutted, and I had to admit, she made a good point.

"What about Mine collapses?" I had a point or two of my own, however. "If, and more realistically, when they happen, you need a map on demand to properly lead evac."

"If they were honest workers, whose employers cared about their safety, health, and morale, then you would be right. Angel acknowledged, before continuing. "But they were prisoners, some of whom were already sentenced to death. Dahl only valued them as resources, and even if they didn't, they were very accepting of casualties."

Oh, right. "Just… find what you can, okay Angel?"

...​

She didn't find much, but Angel did manage to pull up an emergency escape route. It was, naturally, meant for upper management access only, so it took a bit of coding/hacking here and there to get a general layout.

But we got what we needed, a loose guideline to the King Bandit, or whatever their social hierarchy of anarchy makes him. I just do not get bandits, at all.

And after a couple minutes of blood, gore, explosions, and profanity, we managed to navigate our way to the top of the Mine. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that for the most part, the Mine's on the surface?

Mining works under the ground, not above it.

"Be careful." Angel warned us, her holographic (whatever, details) projection, made herself known, as she shot me a pleading gesture. "This one will be… challenging."

"What, the last ones weren't?" Mordecai asked her sardonically, probably raising an unseen eyebrow. I hate that mask.

"Sledge is strong enough on his own, but he's acquired a very powerful shield, likely from one of the former guards of the Mine." Angel clarified, her form gazing into Mordecai's goggles intently.

"How powerful?" Roland asked strategically. His eyes narrowing sharply at the presumed threat.

"Very." Angel answered, equally serious. My little girl's growing up! "Depleting it will consume a large amount of your ammo. Do you, perchance, have any shock weapons available?"

"I can handle that." I cracked my knuckles, flaring my lasers for dramatic effect.

"Then that's all the advice I can offer you." Angel seemed to visibly deflate, her holographic form looking towards me in concern. "Are you sure I can't-"

"We'll be fine." I reassure her. Half wishing, she was here so I could hug her. But mostly relieved she wasn't, Pandora is the worst place to have a bring your daughter to work day.

"Very well." She sighed in acceptance, but something tells me Angel wasn't very happy with my decision. "Then I'll leave you to it. Good luck."

"What was that about?" Lilith asked with a raised eyebrow.

Why can't my side chats ever come off as casual? "She's just worried. She's known me for a long time." Technically, not untrue. I've never been great at lying, but I do okay at misleading. "She'll grow out of it."

"No, it's sweet. Just... unexpected." Lilith decided, giving me what I hope is an approving look.

"That's not a turn off, is it?"

Lilith just chuckled, and gave me a saucy look, resting a hand on her hip. "What do you think?" She asked, adding a sensual tone to her voice.

Wasn't she supposed to be awkward at flirting?! How did she turn the tables? "I-"

And thankfully, Roland stepped in with a cough, unknowingly saving me from looking like a total idiot. "We should go."

Lilith sighed in disappointment, while I sighed in relief. Luckily, both our sighs sounded indistinguishable from the other. "Right, let's go kill that guy."

Brick pulled the lever, and the crate wall came down, revealing! More crates. Exciting stuff. Oh, and also Sledge.

Now how do I describe this guy? Let's see, he's like the mash up of pasty Abomination from Marvel, and a Mad Max villain. Dressed in his makeshift metal armor, with a helmet designed to intimidate, with broken horns and teeth, as well as a red visor.

While leaving his torso, completely open. Why does everyone do that? I have a six pack, should I try it? At any rate, the road warrior stripper turned his attention to us, his breathing became fast and furious. "Killing Sledge's men… MAKES SLEDGE ANGRY!"

Why do the super strong guys always have a speech impediment? The Hulk, Arnold Schwarzenegger, it just feels like the tougher you are, the dumber you get.

"RAAAGGGHHHH!" Then again, do you really need brains, if you have brawns?

The answer is yes. Before the behemoth of a bandit had a chance to hollow me into a Jack O. Lantern, I shot two deadly laser beams straight into his eyes. Now I know what you're thinking, 'Jack, he's got his shield up!' you'll complain. 'That's not gonna kill him!'

Well I don't need it too. As long as my shock reinforced lasers, keep eating away at his shields, while the light from said lasers blinds him, he can't kill me. And me not dying, is way better than him actually dying.

"Guys, his shield's down to fifteen percent, but I can't keep this up much longer!" You know how in the game, there's a cooldown for the lasers, turns out that's less of a mechanic, and more of a safety feature. If these things overheat, then my arms could blow up.

And unlike Gaige, I'm pretty attached to my arms... I'm not going to make the 'literally' joke, I've already done that with the mask.

The rest of the power puff squad got the memo, and started firing at the blinded man, which is good. However, the blind guy also heard me warn them, and is now charging at me. Which is not good.

"Shit!" Barely managing to dodge at the last second, I don't ever have to gasp as Sledge slams into the crate behind me. Dropping his shotgun, and leaving behind a noticeable dent, as the bandit chief rights himself. Shaking his head off, he turns to me, marching slowly and menacingly as I try to crawl away.

"Sledge is going to BREAK you little MAN!" Sledge threatened in the third person, which strangely, made me less worried. It's really difficult for me to take idiots seriously. Even when they're trying to kill me.

I continued to back up, until my back hit its own crate. I raised my pistol to defend myself, but Sledge swatted it away like a fly. He grabbed my throat, and brought me up to eye level, rearing his fist back to pound mine into paste.

I flinched back, closing my eyes, and bringing my hands up protectively. Speaking the last words, I may ever say, at least the ones I could choke out. "Not the mask-face!"

And as all hope seems lost, Brick, that big, beautiful boy, him, rushed in like a superhero. Stopping Sledge's fist in its tracks, and bending it, with the arm attached to it, with a cringing snap behind the bandit's back.

Sledge screams in anger, and pain. He hurdled the back of his head into Brick's chin, catching my boy off guard. Sledge released his grasp on me, and I wheeze for breath for a few seconds before turning my head back towards the fight.

Brick tries to hold his own, but it's clear that Sledge was the stronger of the two. I knew he didn't have much time to act, of course I also didn't know what to do. At the very least, the bandit's shield was down, so we at least had a fair shot.

I looked around for my pistol, for anything I could attack with, while my wrist lasers were still recharging. And my gaze fell on Sledge's discarded shotgun. I all but pounced on it, quickly loading it, and aiming my sights on the bandit leader.

Sadly, my actions didn't go unnoticed. As I turned back to Brick and Sledge, I was bitch slapped by the latter, while the former slumped up to the ground. I don't know if you knew this, but it turns out, that slap from a person twice your size, and ten times your strength, will pretty much knock you flat on your ass.

Sledge growled at me angrily and reared his boot back to crush down on my skull. He probably would have too, if he didn't fall down onto the floor next, with a notable gap in his chest.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't turn your back on Brick. What did surprise me though, was that the hole in his chest wasn't fist shaped. Turning back to Brick confused, I couldn't help my amusement or frustration, as I saw what he was holding.

"You know, boss." Brick said, hefting the shotgun comfortably in his arms, before grinning down at me. "You're right! Guns are cool."

I sighed.

"They sure are Brick, they sure are."

...​

"So, this is it." I smiled, gazing down at the chest placed at the foot of the former bandit king's throne. "Who wants to do the honors?"

Lilith, Roland, and Mordecai joined me and Brick shortly after our fight, sheepish, embarrassed, and apologetic. Turns out Lilith had gathered them to make her own battle strategy. Given that she's had a few good ones in the past, I can respect that.

They sent Brick out to help me, while they made their preparations, probably weren't expecting us to handle it on our own.

Doesn't matter now.

Because it was all worth it. Everything I've done, has led up to this moment. Soon, I'll be holding the first Vault Key. The one that's going to make me rich, the one that's going to help shape the galaxy.

The others exchanged a few looks among themselves, before nodding at me supportively. I couldn't help my eagerness, as I opened the loot crate, ignoring the piles of cash, in favor of the Vault Key.

I didn't entirely fake my surprise or my disappointment when I saw it. "Wait. No, no, no, no, no! This isn't a Vault Key! This is- Angel, what is this?!" I asked, not even trying to mask my frustration.

"The Vault Key has been fragmented, rest assured you are holding a part of it." Angel explains calmly. Pragmatically. Things I don't appreciate when I'm freaking the fuck out.

"Well where's the rest of it?! We're not going to be able to open a Vault with just this!"

"I…" Angel paused, as she patiently waited for me to calm down. "I don't know, but I know who does."

"Who?"

...​

In an abandoned dig site, previously funded and supported by Dahl, a particular scientist wearing a red coat, and goggles, that she had placed firmly above her head eyes, froze. And promptly sneezed.

"Achoo!" Dr. Tannis reacted, sniffing the grounds suspiciously. "A common bacterium has infiltrated the dig site?" Her eyes narrowed in paranoia. "This area has been compromised."

...​

AAANNNDDD CUT!

Thanks so much for reading! As always, we'll be back tomorrow with another chapter. If you want to catch up to the entire fic, feel free to check me out on FFN at the same name. If you want to read ahead even farther than that, and help me escape the looming threat of poverty, check out my Patreon, link below.

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[Nameless Godless]

I think you need to lean into Jack's crazier/ruthless side a bit more. Kinda feels like I'm reading about Timothy instead.

I do really like how smart you let Jack be. In canon he personally built the Bunker which is probably able to kill the weaker Vault Monsters.