INVICTUS

[Thiccc Shaedy]

Poor guy. All of this coulda been avoided if he didn't work with those fucking bastards.

 

[loudlistner]

S3EP1 {Where do you think the best sauna is?}

After the whole thing with Angstrom Levy was over, and I had my best damn sleep since the day I came back from Flaxan, my days have been calm.


Mostly just looking over cities and dropping the crime rate just by showing my face. And honestly? It feels amazing. I'm doing more good by being present than actually fighting. It was bound to happen, but like I said, just amazing.


When that's over with, I help Cecil with whatever mission he has for me. The good old meteor-slinging. And that's actually starting to worry me.


Why are there so many meteors flying toward Earth?


Space is gigantic. This shouldn't be so common, especially when the meteors are big enough to destroy humanity if they hit.


At some point, I was worried it was some kind of attack, but they were coming from every direction. So, I let it be. Hopefully, I'm not giving myself a bigger fight in the future.


… Oh, who am I kidding? I would love a bigger fight in the future.


There was also training with this kid who turned into a giant one-eyed cyclops. The first time we met was at the beginning of training for the Guardians and other hero groups. I thought it was just another monster, but nope, he was a kid all along.


Glad all I did in that fight was remove any civilians from the area.


Anyway, the kid is energetic, but he really couldn't touch me. So sometimes, I had to let him beat me, just to stop him from crying.


And after that, Cecil wanted to know how strong I was. For a while, I was confused. Did he really have anything that could test my limits?


He wanted to know how long I could stay in magma without the need for regeneration. If I started to regenerate, I was supposed to come out, because with regeneration, it would take forever.


Funnily enough, even without regeneration, it still took too long. He told me to come out when an hour passed, and I showed no sign of getting hurt. I was actually surprised. I did get burned by Earthquake Dude when he tried to kill himself about a year and some change ago, but now, there's no harm to my body.


Maybe the fight against the Viltrumite old lady and Battle Beast did more than I thought. Oh well, good for me.


The next test he wanted to do was my speed. Go to the moon and back.


I still don't know if I have the FTL speed other Viltrumites have, but I'm sure if it becomes necessary, my patron will intervene. That's his whole thing, and I like it, especially if it comes with random power-ups out of nowhere.


But I don't seem to have that speed yet. I was moving at about Mach one hundred, give or take. It took me three hours to go and come back to Earth.


The next test was… he wanted me to hold an iceberg.


Which was not hard.


I already knew I had some type of tactical telekinesis to make sure anything I pick up doesn't break down under its own weight. It was easy enough for me to hold it without any trouble.


He even made some type of weight machine the size of a building that definitely weighed more than it should for its size, but I was able to hold it easily.


At this point, he's realizing it's pointless, and he should just give up on testing my limit.


Before I could get cocky and mouth off, Rex came in to ask how much the weight machine cost and something about not having a coffee machine.


Cecil ignored him, but not me.


"Coffee is very important for heroes risking their lives against bank robbers, Cecil. You should definitely get him a better coffee machine."


"Yes, exactly… Wait, I don't risk my life against bank robbers! You do know I fight giant babies, too, right? You're not the only one that's going to be sued for child abuse."


"Hahahahaha."


Which just made me cackle, until Donald tells us someone is trying to steal the Declaration of Independence.


Seriously? What is the use of stealing the paper?


I was just exasperated.


"Mind testing those muscles of yours?"


"Well, I won't mind, but you have to give up soon."


"Hello? Did you forget about me? I'm feeling hurt."


"Sure, I'll take Rex. Maybe he can take the aggro if need be."


"Use me as a body shield, and I will shove a bomb up your ass."


"Sure thing, Gambit knock-off."


"Who the fuck is Gambit?"


And just like that, we were off to save an American paper, the best kind of paper in the world.


When we got there, they were already flying off on some kind of hoverboard. And by the time I noticed and dropped off Rex, they were already gone. As in teleportation. If they were just flying or moving normally, I could've caught them.


But nope. Teleportation.


Screw that.


With nothing else to do, I went home and saw Oliver, who's now not an infant but a grade school kid, playing soccer. I hugged Mom and then went out to play with Oliver outside.


I wanted to play soccer, but he said he was getting bored, so we switched to baseball. Just the throwing and catching part, but still, I didn't mind. I love the small, quiet times just as much as the large and loud fights.


He then made me promise to bring him out heroing someday, which I really don't mind. With me out there, almost every big villain hides. And as for the small-time bank robbers and other such criminals, when he gets his powers, he should be fine.


Unless his power becomes something like mine. Where He starts normal and only gets stronger over time.


If so, then he'll have to wait until he can at least tank medium-calibre bullets before he's allowed to fight anyone.


And while we were talking about powers… He started to fly.


Oh well. It was bound to happen.


But now I was really worried.


"You promised you'd take me out tonight."


"No, I will not. Instead, we're going to test how tough you are. If a bullet can give you a bruise, you're not fighting anyone strong. But if you can handle that, then I'll let you come out with me. What do you say?"


"Alright, fine. I want to know how strong I am."


"Okay. I'll call someone to get ready for the tests you'll be going through. And… does Mom know about your powers?"


"No, she doesn't," he sulks.


"Well, you're going to have to tell her. And accept whatever grounding she gives you."


"Aww man…"


"What did you think was going to happen?"


Then I left the playground to call Cecil.


"Well, Cecil, looks like you're finally allowed near my brother. He just got his powers, and I want you to test how tough he is. Start small, and let me know if anything you throw at him even scratches him."


"The world just keeps getting better and better. I'll take care of it."


"Thank you, Cecil. Don't actually push him too hard. I just want to know if he can handle being shot by bullets. As for the rest, I'll be there to protect him, alright?"


"Yeah, sure. I'll try not to hurt him."


And then he hangs up.


Motherfucker.


That same night, I got a call from William asking me to come hang out with him and Rick.


Which… really? Why did he want me to third-wheel? He was staring at that ass like it was water and he was lost in a desert, the first time I met Rick.


But whatever. I agreed.


I'd been starting to miss William, with all the tests I'd been doing for Cecil lately.


More confusingly, though, he took me to a bowling alley.


He promised a fun time… and then brought me, a superhuman with super strength, to a bowling alley.


Was I supposed to lose on purpose?


I didn't get it, but I tried to play the game.


And for some reason, I was not able to absolutely destroy him.


I am pretty sure I can just throw the balls and hit the targets, but I could not do it while using human-level strength, and I was not petty enough to cheat by making multiple brains to help calculate trajectory and other things.


Like… I have super strength.


I should not be having a hard time throwing a ball at stationary targets and hitting them, but nope.


The ball always went to the drain.


At some point, I was wondering if he was cheating, but I could not figure out how he would do it, so I kept my mouth shut.


And of course, he kept bragging.


Hmm, maybe I should make those extra brains.


No, I won't be that petty, even if he is making it really hard.


Once our game was over, we went to William's car, and I didn't even start to ask questions before I finally realized what they really wanted me there for: I was transportation. Well, what are superpowers if you can't use them for your friends?


I flew them back to their college. I even did a loop when asked, although I didn't stop until William got sick. But hey, that's just the danger of having a superpowered friend.


The next day, Cecil came in person to take Oliver to test his powers. But Mom said he's going to the zoo first, and whatever Mom says goes. So Cecil had to book another day.


Oliver, Mom, and I had a great time looking at all the animals. And Oliver just seemed to know every aquatic animal. I knew he liked them, but still, being able to name and describe all their attributes just by looking at them? Amazing. It was a good day.


But I do be living in interesting times, so of course something had to interrupt.


Man, I wasn't even upset. It would've taken me a few minutes. I could've made a clone to deal with it. At least, that was my hope, until Cecil tells me:


"Every hero in America has been kidnapped."


Are you fucking with me right now?


"What do you mean? How did this happen?"


"We don't know for sure yet, but the only ones safe are you and Eve. I need you to both check this out."


"Fuck... how do all the heroes go missing simultaneously? Do you know their last location? Was it some type of teleportation?"


"No. There are holes at the places where the heroes were last seen, and no blood. So it's a kidnapping, not a murder."


"So we're dealing with a group capable of not only kidnapping but also imprisoning every hero in America. This would have to be an army."


"Yeah, it most likely is. I don't know if it's a cooperation between multiple crime organizations, but if the crime rate increases drastically in the next few minutes, I'll need you to replace the heroes for as long as necessary."


Fuck my life.


"Yeah... I'll do that."


I made a clone to go into one of the holes, but once you go deep enough, it's filled. It wasn't a wall, so I couldn't just break through it. I didn't know where to go.


I really should have put a cell on my friends, so when something like this happens, I could just make a clone near them. I didn't because I thought it would be weird, but honestly, a cell would be like a teleportation beacon. It wouldn't be able to surveil them in any way.


I am definitely telling them about it, and at least a few of them are getting a cell on them.


Like, seriously, how does every hero in America get kidnapped at the same time? Whoever did this would need to know where they are constantly. They probably have access to the GDA.


Well, Cecil is going to get an earful from every hero. This will probably cause a lot of hero groups to distance themselves from the GDA, which could cause more damage than anything the criminals do, unless they kill every hero they've captured.


While I'm still worrying, Cecil tells me Rudy sent a signal from wherever they are.


Oh, thank God. At least they're not dead.


The location? Deep, deep underground, where there's literal magma. If we don't move fast, they're going to get cooked.


What do I see once Eve and I finally get there?


It was Earthquake Dude. Motherfucker.


"How? How is it you? All you do is make earthquakes!"


"Ahh, if it isn't my old friends, Token Diversity and Gender Stereotype."


"Which one am I?" I ask.


"Really, Mark? Our friends are captured and about to be cooked, and you want to know what nickname the villain gave you?"


"What? I could so be gender stereotyped! I'm super strong and have hair on my chest. I am a manly man."


"You're the token diversity," he interrupts.


"Why? Have you seen Eve take charge? She might be wearing pink, but I'd bet she was wearing the leather when she was dating Rex."


"...Man, shut up."


"He's blushing! See, Earthquake Dude? I was right!"


My joyous light bullying was rudely interrupted with tape slapped over my mouth.


"Stop talking to the villain and just capture him. Also, you should surrender before this gets ugly," Eve said.


I kept gesturing: See? She's the boss.


"Oh, it got ugly the moment Homo sapiens took their first step onto land."


"I understand you're vertically challenged, but you don't have the hair to speak for the trees," I interrupt.


He screams and slaps his gauntlets together.


I wonder how many brain cells he just lost to that one attack.


When we were trying to figure out what he did,


"Oh, don't worry. That wasn't an attack. It's how we talk."


And boom, there were a lot, and I mean a lot, of gigantic sandworms and a centipede leading them.


Fuuuuck.


Not only that, but there were lava monsters from before. And they were coming and coming, nonstop.


I made multiple clones to move all the heroes away from their cocoons, but almost all of them said no. They wanted to get their licks in. They also said there were no civilians around, so this could be just like the training exercises we do sometimes.


Well, they were right. And honestly? I didn't want to take all the glory anyway. So I did what they wanted, and everyone could fight.


And they were right. They got the fight they wanted.


I made sure anyone who was about to die got rescued, but that's all I did. Eve wanted in, too, so she joined the fight.

But it seems we were not the only ones interested in this fight.


From the same hole Eve made to get us here, Halo-style drop pods came falling down, only for Sinclair's cyborgs to come out, ready to fight. I honestly don't know why Cecil brought them out. Maybe to field-test the weapons? Well, whatever his reason, the cyborgs fought the mindless ones while the heroes focused on the sandworms.


I saw Robot shoot the eyes of the centipede, which, for a moment, confused me. What does a centipede that lives underground need eyes for? But then again, the dinosaurs speak English, so just ignore it and maybe it'll fix itself.


While every hero did great, the real MVP was Eve. She still can't manipulate meat, so she couldn't just incapacitate the monsters with a thought, but she was able to damage my body by the end of our training in Midnight City, and her power hasn't decreased.


She tore through every sandworm that so much as pointed its mouth at her. She was like a disco ball, her lasers ripping through the monsters like tofu.



I made a clone to watch Earthquake Dude in case he tried to escape, but it turned out that wasn't necessary. The protégé of Darkwing came out of nowhere and just kidnapped the old man.


Well, I know he's under Cecil's command, so he probably just threw him straight into prison.


Once the mad scientist was gone, all the centipedes and mindless ones started to retreat.


A good day's work done.


Time to put everything back to where it was.


Luckily, the mad scientist wasn't working with any other villains.


I had made a clone near space, just in case Cecil asked me to help with rising crime, but it seems there was no need.


Lucky me.

 

[Thiccc Shaedy]

"Ahh, if it isn't my old friends, Token Diversity and Gender Stereotype."

Click to shrink...

My is sooooo PC that he basically became a bigot. Like, why is the first thing he notices about Mark and Samantha their race and gender?