OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

Another Mother.

"There are," Rin said aloofly, "several things to know if you're going to give the Itoshikis an inheritor."

Ai lowered her head. "I apologize over my ignorance."

"You mustn't apologize over the woman you are, over the man you love, over the child youre bearing," her sister-in-law instructed. "There's no shame on those things. You've become part of a flawless family and you must meet those standards of pride."

"I... I'm sorry I'm not as confident as you are, ma'am," Ai meekly said, head still low.

"What have I just said...?" Rin chided, leaning towards her with a raised eyebrow and her posterior poised upwards.

"I'm sorry," Ai repeated. "But this is my nature."

Rin sighed. "Much like Oniisama's nature is one that brings us grief, as well. I suppose that you are made for each other, and to trouble us, then."

"As long as we can do that together," Ai softly said, "that's the sole thing I'll never be sorry for."

Despite everything, Rin smiled. "Well! That's a start, at the very least..."

 

Token of Love.

Ayaka finally let go of the hug and pulled back, but she kept her hands on Chisame's shoulders, and smiled at her. Chisame only could feel awkward at this. Had Iinchou ever smiled at her before? Like this, at least? It didn't feel right...

"Oh, Chisame-san!" Ayaka blinked then. "What... What's that on your cheek?

"Oh... Oh, you mean this?" Chisame took a hand to her cheek. "It's... It's nothing, really. It's just that, well, Negi struggled a bit to control his incomplete Magia Erebea transformation, and that, how should I put it, turned him into a rampaging beast for a moment, but that's okay, I got him to cool down..."

Ayaka was now just staring blankly at her.

"H-Hey, I'm not making it up!" Chisame protested. "Ayase, Webby, you were there! You tell her!"

Ayaka tightened her grip on her shoulders. "I can't believe your nerve... Not only you bathed him before anyone else, not only you kissed him before anyone else, not only you slept with him before anyone else, but now you had domestic violence from him before anyone else?!"

Still standing shortly behind her, Lala closed her eyes and sighed. "I almost never tell this to anyone, not even to Skrulls, but there's something seriously wrong with your society's culture."

 

Token of Love, Part Two.

"Okay," Ayaka said, more calmed now. "So... how did you get him to relax after that?"

"Uhhhhh..." Chisame fidgeted uneasily while Yue and Webby blushed and looked aside.

Fortunately, Lala could grab Ayaka and hold her in place right on time.

 

Unequally Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur.

She put her hand on Negi's chest then and subtly pushed him back, keeping him at arm's lenght.

"Be honest with me now," Lunella told him. "You only want me in this collective of yours because of him, right?"

"GRRRRR," the red giant standing behind her rumbled menacingly.

 

Wedding Gifts.

"And this," Chachamaru said, extending Chisame a small envelope, "is my second gift for you."

Chisame grabbed the envelope. "Thanks, but, uh, what...?"

"It's a legal permission," Chachamaru explained, "so in the event of any grievous accident or enemy attack that destroys your body beyond repair, your brain may be placed in my body. I'll gladly lend it to you for the sake of your continued life with Negi-sensei."

Chisame made a horrified face at her.

"I thought that would be your reaction," Chachamaru added calmly, "which is why I bought you the washing machine as well..."

 

Crisis on Infinite Apartments.

---

The Visitor.

A loud, apocalyptic crash woke us up at the middle of the night.

Negi, Hakase and I dressed up hastily and ran to the main lobby, where everybody else had gathered already. Something had crashed down through all of the ceilings above, damaging several apartments, and now rested, smoking, at the center of Bonemine-san's prized carpet, which she wouldn't stop crying about.

It was a large, sleek spaceship, the kind you'd see in a sci fi sketch from Haruna. It still was smoking all over, obviously piping red hot to the touch.

"Ah," the Joker said, "this happens. Don't worry, it's just a strange lil' visitor from another planet with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men!"

We all looked at him. "... no, let's be serious for a moment here," Keiichi-senpai asked, "I know all of us have seen a lot of weird crap, but--"

Then a loud, piercing bawl came from inside the thing, and the Joker only smiled and nodded to himself as we stared back at it.

Doombot-san walked over to the ship, grasped the door in his powerful metal hands, and ripped it open, so we could see the tiny, naked infant lying on red and blue blankets inside.

"See?" the Joker asked. "It was either this, or a cute blonde in a Superman costume! It's most often just a rugrat, though..."

Doombot-san picked the baby up, with an evil glint in his eye. "Doom shall either dissect this infant and learn the secrets of his alien biology, or forge him into a ruthless tool of his will. So swears Doom..."

"You'll just become a helicopter father and leave him to us to raise!" Bonemine-san said indignantly. "No, I'm not falling for that again after you tried to make me your Rodan's caretaker!"

"Foolish woman, why would you reject such honors from DOOM?! In any case, the ship is mine! Mine to use as Doom pleases!"

Torpedo-san sneered, carefully lighting a cigarette on the almost burning metallic surface. "Maybe we could earn a big fat buck selling this in eBay...?"

Someone rang at the door.

It was the DEO, which managed to make it first, beating the TIA, UNCLE, Checkmate, SHIELD, AIM, HYDRA and assorted players, no doubt after the neighbors from the next building called. They wanted the ship and the baby, and after some negotiations where Doombot-san incinerated three agents, the others agreed to let him keep half of the ship.

Five minutes later after they left with the baby and their half, some Men in Black showed up as well and tried to wipe our memories out.

Bonemine-san was fed up by then and just beat them away with a broom.

 

You Only Have Yourselves to Blame.

"It's your fault," Chamo said grumpily, approaching Itoshiki, Shirou, Keiichi and Rito, who had been sitting by the seaside, looking at the artificial sea under the stars.

"Huh? What happened?" Keiichi asked as the ermine set down by his side, frowning in a foul mood.

"What HASN'T happened, you mean!" Chamo threw his tiny paws up. "If you weren't around, the girls would feel much more at ease around my brother, and then... and then...!"

---

---


Shirou scowled and scratched his head. "That's some mental gymnastics! As if something like that would ever happen!"

"It would, it only you guys weren't around!" the familiar screeched. "Because of you big, old, stinking men, they don't feel comfortable just walking around naked around my bro...!"

Rito blinked a few times. "I don't get it. Is the implication we're keeping Asakura-san and Nagase-san away, too?"

The others looked at him.

"Honest question," he reassured them. "I mean, journalists have had a thing against my family ever since Mom sprayed a paparazzi in the face with mace..."

---

Extra Sequence Credits to Miscalculation's A-Z Mark II.

 

Pajama Party.

"You're going to be doing... WHAT?!" Kotaro exclaimed.

Nodoka gave a very small but noticeable sigh. "Yue, Haruna, Asakura-san, Suzushiro-senpai, Kikukawa-senpai, Iinchou and Makie-chan will all be there too, Kotaro-kun..."

"In HIS room!" the boy kept on freaking out.

Nodoka gave him an even glare through the bangs. "Negi-sensei is a gentleman, Kotaro-kun."

"And I'm not?!"

"When... When have I implied you aren't?"

"I don't strip people when I sneeze!" he tried very hard not to panic. "It's going to be a full night! He can't go for a full night without sneezing!"

"If he couldn't, Chisame-san wouldn't have any clothes left by now," she argued, softly tapping her fingers on her forehead.

"But--!"

"Trust me, please," she said. "I can use the Clow to--"

"Nodoka, you don't have to justify yourself to him," Yue said, peeking out of the next room. "Come along, we'll be late."

Kotaro hissed under his breath. "Why, you little--"

"I'm taller and older than you," Yue reminded him, as she grabbed the reluctantly waving Nodoka by a wrist and pulled her along.

---

"Why are you so sad anyway?" Harumi asked while Abiru set the table for lunch.

"I'm not sad because no girl who isn't my girlfriend isn't going to be stripped by an idiot sneezing," Kotaro grumbled.

Harumi paused, then pulled her book of child psychology out from under the table, and began reading through it while eating rather slowly.

 

Comic Books.

"What's this?" Medb asked, looking at a stack of magazines in the library.

Edison looked up from the book he was reading. "Oh, those are one of the great art forms of America, the superhero comic book. Where colorful mighty icons born from corporate vision strive for the betterm--"

"Ah, yes, yes, like manga, right?" Medb picked one and began flipping through it. "They have nice looking muscular men so they can't be all that bad. Let's see--"

Edison went back to ignoring her as she sat down and read. After a long while, she put the last magazine in the pile down and grouched, "These are all frauds. The Punisher never gets into any domination, the Man-Thing is only an ugly monster, the Flash never flashes himself, and Luke Cage, Hero for Hire, never rents his body..."

 

Dying for your Art.

"You're going to take that 'suicide' running gag of your repertoire," the Committee Member told Itoshiki. "We can't keep showing that kind of content in a more sensitive era."

"But... that's the core of my whole shtick," Itoshiki said after a moment of shock. "I've built my whole career on it...!"

"Well, then either find yourself a new one or just leave the business altogether," the appointed reviewer remained adamant. "We're not allowing such trivialization of an issue that grave anymore."

"I see," Itoshiki said sadly, then snapped his fingers. "Chiri-chan."

The other man blinked. "Eh?" he managed to say as a black haired young girl with sinister eyes rose from behind his chair, then slinging rope tightly around his neck...

---

"Oh, did you hear, Itoshiki-sensei?" Negi asked him. "They found Kuruda-san from the New Policies Board dead, and they've ruled it a suicide. He hung himself, it appears. How tragic..."

"Oh, is that so? Indeed," the older man said, calmly sipping his tea. "One only can hope his replacement can cope with the stress of the job better than he could..."

 

Bad End.

Mash kneels by his side, her face caked on her blood and his, holding his hand.

Fujimaru Ritsuka can’t feel anything anymore. His body is stiff and numb all over, and he barely can see anything. He can’t even see their towering foe, rising back to full health, on the poise of destroying the last remains of human panhistory.

Is this, then, how all dreams end? How all hopes and goals man and woman have ever chased meet their end?

Even the finest this species ever had to produce only can stand now, powerless, as their last anchor to this dying world perishes. They all are too wounded to go on, and yet some still try; those are vanishing step by struggling step. The Archers will last a bit longer after he’s gone, but they won’t see the day’s end either. There won’t even be a day to be ended.

“Did… Did we do it, Mash?” the young man asks, gasping the words as his intestines hang out, and his face pales even starker by the second.

She holds her tears back, manages a painful smile, and says her very first and last huge lie ever.

Her voice is tender. “Yes, Senpai. We did it.”

“Then… I’m glad,” he says. He closes his eyes, and surrenders himself to that nothingness that soon will claim them all.

 

Discipline.

"How did you get Negi to be that well behaved?" Chisame asked.

"Well, he wasn't always well behaved," Nekane confided them. "He still did reckless things, like that whole supervillain stage he had..."

"Yes, but he still never ran away to other worlds to do any of that!" Chisame argued. "And if you told him to drop it, he'd drop it! It's like he never listens to us..."

Nekane assumed a very serious face. "Spankings. A lot of them, applied at the right age."

Then her eyes followed the source of the very loud THUD! "Why has Ayaka-san just fainted with so much blood exploding out of her nose?"

 

All in the Family.

"Did you know," Chisame said of a sudden, "that the basic programming principle for all intelligent androids in the world comes from the same original project?"

"I guess I do now," Misa said just as dryly as Cherry served her a slice from Chachamaru's birthday cake, while Lime ate messily, Bloodberry flirted with Keiichi, Dorothy chewed slowly in a stoic silence, the Red Tornado answered Makie and Haruna's questions as best as he could, the Saber Dolls played darts, and Ultron and Chachazero plotted together at a corner.

 

Things in Common.

"You like arguing that you'd be the correct life partner for Sensei," Hakase told Misa, "but what do the two of you even have in common? What would you even talk about?"

"What?" Misa blinked, confused at the unexpected comeback. "Um, of course we have a lot of things in common, like, for instance..."

Satomi made a small wily smile.

Misa raged. "Well, tell me then, what do he and Chisame have in common?! Nothing, that's what! They're not alike at all either! For all you support them, and despite living with them, I'm sure you can't name a single thing they'd like to do together or--"

"They like to play chess and checkers," Satomi interrupted, "alternating, virtual in the days of her choice, and with a physical board on the days of his choice. They also grouch together on the television news, they can spend hours criticizing Inugami-san and Fate-san, they share a liking for period piece British dramas, they team up to bake these really coarse cookies full of too much sugar, and--"

Misa ran a hand down her own face. "Okay, but all of those are stupid hobbies, nothing meaningful like--!"

"-- and they also both like stripping me, tying me to the table, and then-- oh," Satomi stopped suddenly, blushing and realizing the horrified stare Kakizaki was giving her. Quickly, she pulled a small device out of her breast pocket and held it before Misa's face. "Look at the light!"

There was a very bright white flash...

Misa blinked a few times, then rubbed her eyes. "What... What happened just now? I think I was telling you about how much Chisame hogs Negi-kun..."

"You must be mistaken because of a recent lack of sleep," Satomi said, folding her arms behind her back. "You were just telling me about how exhausted you were from those cheer practices of yours, right before you started dozing off on the spot..."

 

Strange Earth Texts.

Marvin the Martian finally put the book down.

He frowned. "I have no mouth and I have to scream?" he wondered to himself. "I don't understand, what did they even mean with that...?"

 

That Thing you Do.

"Shikinami," Skuld extended a hand towards her, "be helpful and hand me the 7.75 shaft, will you?"

"You did it again," Asuka said dryly.

"I did what?" Skuld asked.

"You called me 'Shikinami' again," Asuka huffed. "It's so annoying when you do that! Stop it already!"

Skuld pulled her goggles up. "I did that? Hm. Well, it's just that I used to know... someone who was just like you, and her name was Shikinami. Well, first it wasn't, then it was, and now it isn't again, I guess..."

Asuka glared at her. "Is this your idea of making fun of me, or are you drunk or something, kid?"

"I never was close to this person," Skuld still went on, unfazed by her, "I mean, it's not like we worked together, the way you and I are right now, but... Oh, never mind! Just hand me the 7.75 shaft, okay?"

Without a word, the sulking redhead handed her the tool. Skuld put the goggles back on, and kept on working on the giant robot.

"She piloted one of those, you know. Well, hers was fairly bigger..."

"I thought these were the first ones in the world? I knew Chao was just blowing hot air... wait, when and where did she pilot it? I'm sure that'd have been in the news, unless..."

"You know what, stop worrying about her! She'd never have worried about you! Now hold this piece in place, carefully, as I hammer it down..."

 

Batman and the Justice League are the property of DC/Warner.

Darkwing Duck and Duck Tales are the property of Disney.

Will they ever work together again? Will we ever have another Roger Rabbit or Marvel vs. DC?

---

What Makes a Dark Knight?

---

He supposed he had lived through stranger perils before. Especially after joining the League.

Even so, there was somewhat terribly upsettling and disturbing, even now, about having fought shoulder by shoulder with a talking duck. In a cape.

All in all, however, Bruce was at least thankful he didn't have to deal all that much with the bigger duck in powered armor. He certainly didn't envy Shayera, having to put up with him during their own mission.

And things appeared to be over by now regardless. Even though he never could truly relax. Apparently, the caped duck was far less lax about such concerns post battle, as he'd just sat on the edge of the mountain side, overlooking the finally placid sea, and closed his eyes while taking his head back, enjoying the salty breeze.

"I have to admit," the duck said, "you actually didn't do half bad there."

"Hm," the Batman said, just catching enough breath as to pull his disappearance act on him. He wasn't getting any younger.

"You're very driven," the duck observed. "Really, really, so. Why are you so intense?"

Bruce Wayne simply looked into the distance. "It's not something I like talking about."

The duck blinked and paused, staring at his face for a few moments. Then he scratched himself on a feathered cheek. "Ah... I see. I guess that kind of explains it on its own, then. I wish... No, it's not that I wish for a motivation like that, I'm actually..." He looked down at where the red haired little duck girl eagerly chattered with the others over the just finished events, "... glad with my lot in life. But sometimes, I have to wonder, you know, if I didn't get into this for the wrong reasons. I didn't have any really strong cause at first. I just... I just wanted to help people."

The Batman stopped himself, right on the brink of pulling his vanishing trick, and stayed a little longer. "Nothing wrong with that."

"I'm lying, actually," Drake said. "There was something else to it. Someone, actually, but... You'll think it's so dumb...!"

"I won't," the Bat said, well aware that'd certainly be a lie.

"Yep, yep, yep, you will. It was... just an actor in a TV show. They called him, and it, camp... stupid... outdated... but, you know what? They still taught me to fight for what is right. I suppose that's not the deepest of motivations, but--"

And then he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"No," the Batman said, contemplating. "If I must be honest, there was someone like that for me, as well."

And briefly he was a child again, in his mind's eye, thrilling to that awesome opening theme, and the dashing figure cutting through his own credit titles.

... Starring Simon Trent... as the Gray Ghost!

Batman allowed himself a smile. Drake blinked in surprise. Ah! So he could smile!

"Also, not to boast, but... I got to meet him, as well. In the flesh."

"Really?"

"Completely."

"Pffft," Darkwing looked aside, now slightly annoyed. "Big deal, I got to meet my guy as well."

"He was really gracious, a gentleman as much of his character, and in his own way, a hero of his own," Bruce reminisced fondly. Then he looked at the smaller masked vigilante. "And what was your hero like, then?"

Darkwing Duck hunched over and muttered darkly. "I'd really rather not talk about that..."

---

Finis.

 

Children of Judas.

"Do you think I inherited any of your immortality?" Madoka asked next.

"I'm not sure," Karin regarded her with mild curiosity. "Any antecedents in your known family?"

Madoka made a face. "It should be you who should be keeping tabs of that, you know. You've had centuries for it. Anyway, my great-grandfather lived until 95..."

"That isn't enough to confirm anything," Karin waved a hand. "For all I know, your ancestor didn't inherit my curse."

"What?! And why she did, then?!" Madoka protested, pointing at Ciel.

Karin shrugged her shoulders. "Who can say for sure? Her father had a lot of magical potential, that's what drew the Master and me to him. Perhaps it was because of that."

"Or perhaps it was because of the vampire lord incarnating within me, one that my mother never was there to help me deal with..." Ciel mused aloud, extremely dry in delivery.

"There's no reason why both things wouldn't be related," Karin observed calmly. "Your lineage was chosen by Roa precisely because it was remarkable to begin with."

"Dad was a baker, for God's sake!" Ciel screeched.

"That, he was. I haven't ever tasted such a good bread ever since..." Karin said with a small faraway smile.

Satsuki quietly glared at her over the counter, just for one moment.

"I can't believe it," Madoka ran a hand down her own face. "And what about my ancestor then? There must've been something special about him too, if you chose him as well!"

"He was a nice person, if I recall correctly, and the Master and I were very drunk that night," Karin said.

Ciel and Madoka stared at her. "..."

"Hey," Karin frowned. "It was our very first time handling Japanese liquor."

Ciel grabbed a knife from the table. "I know this won't hurt you at all, but it just means that I can keep venting out for a while, Mom," she bluntly said, then threw the blade between Karin's eyes.

 

Where does Higurashi Fit into the Unequally verse?

"Nice to meet you then, Morisato-kun!" Ciel smiled at him, cocking a fist on her hip. "Keiichi, huh... That name brings memories! It used to be, I worked as a schoolteacher for a while. One of my students was named Keiichi as well."

"Seriously?" Morisato blinked. "When was that?"

"Oh, it was in the eighties, let's see... the eighty-three? Yeah, that sounds about right," Ciel recalled. "I'll never forget that class, back at Hinamizawa. Just like you, Keiichi-kun was always surrounded by pretty girls, and, ah, um..."

"Yes?" Keiichi said after a moment of her trailing off, suddenly biting into her lower lip.

Ciel let out a shaky chuckle and patted his shoulder vigorously. "Ahhhh, never mind that now! Don't you worry about the past mistakes from others and just live your life to its fullest! I doubt you'll have the same luck with--"

Skuld peeked angrily out of the next room, holding a massive chainsaw in a hand. "Keiichi, would you happen to know why is Makie sleeping on your bed in her underwear...?"

Ciel's grip on his shoulder tightened immediately. "Or you could try to flee the country as soon as possible just in case. That might be wise, too."

 

Hello, Dolly.

Dewey held the doll in his hand. "Why do you even have a thing like this, anyway? Don't get me wrong, it's... uhh, cute, but it doesn't suit a girl like you. Not that you aren't... I mean, not that you're not like a girl or anything, but--!"

Fortunately for him, Webby had even less of a social sense to recognize slights than him. "Oh, that!" she laughed it off. "It's a memento from that time I grabbed that Scepter of Time and Dimensions from your uncle's wardrobe, actually! I was transported to another world where I met my counterpart and we fought the Beagle Boys... Nice girl, even if a bit slow on the take... Anyway, after I came back I asked Grandma to teach me sewing, and so I made this doll in her honor. I hope it doesn't work like a voodoo doll after I accidentally touched it with that Haitian idol," she considered then. "I'd never forgive myself, since later I also had that other accident where I dropped a bowling ball on its head."

"Ah... Thank you, that was very informative," Dewey said. "Wait. Did you meet some alternate Huey, Louie and me while you were there too?! What was the other Dewey like?!"

"Hard to say. I never could tell any of them apart from the other two..."

 

Doomy Dummies of Doom.

"Master, I really think you should attend to this one," Chachamaru said, returning from the door. "He wants to speak specifically with you."

Eva gave an annoyed look from the old magazine she had been reading. Man, remember back when people used to read magazines? You know what a magazine is, right? I'm never sure about my audience's age. "He?"

---

The Batman handed her a wooden dummy in a gangster outfit. "I heard you collected dolls, and I was passing by on a case, right after cracking this one," he said dryly. "So I thought you'd better keep this."

Eva snorted. "Why would I want it? Don't you keep junk like this in your cave? That's what Takahata says, at least..."

"I already have one," he said.

"All the same, I don't want it. Why would I? It's ugly, cheap looking, it smells bad, and--"

"It was carved from an ancient tree where they used to hang the prisoners of Blackgate. Then the tree was cursed by a mad priest. Who then killed himself by setting himself on fire."

"... eh. I guess I might have a place somewhere for it, but-- Ah, he's gone already?"

"I didn't see how he did it, either," Chachamaru took a hand to her own cheek.

"How rude, the stupid toad! Next time I see him, I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Still, he brought you a gift," Chachamaru observed, perhaps a bit too innocently. "Maybe he likes you, Master?"

Karin peeked out of the kitchen with sudden low, threatening killing intent. Jiiiiiiiiiiii...

---

"Hey," Chachazero snarled. "They're gone now. You can stop acting."

Scarface sat up straight, as if shaken by a jolt of electricity. "Oh my goodness! Thank heavens! I honestly thought she'd throw me into a wooden chipper! Although that might be a mercy after all I've had to live through! It was horrible, seriously, all the blood, all the mayhem, all the death...!" he cried, gesturing grandly with his small wooden hands. "And I never could do anything, always subjected to the whims of Arnold's mad evil side! These hands! These hands held the tommy that mowed so many innocents down...!"

Chachazero, Chucky, Buzz, Woody, and all the rest traded silent, jaded glares.

"Okay, newbie," Zero growled, shoving a feather duster into his hands. "From now on, you get cleaning duties on all shelves, it'll be good therapy, or some such shit, whatever..."

 

At Least your Bottom is Covered Now.

"Look," Chisame sighed, "nobody ever said that putting on a kimono right was easy the first time. Heck, I'm Japanese, and even I have problems with them for every festival..."

"Seriously?" Lena mused dryly. "I found it easy enough on the first try."

"Yeah, well, then maybe you should've helped her..." And then Chisame pointed at the bundle hanging from the ceiling, secured to it by a kimono belt, "... because I honestly have no idea how anyone could make herself a living piñata just by trying the darn thing on!"

Lena shrugged. "That's Webby for you, she always finds a way."

Webby's legs kicked up from within the cloth bundle. "I think I've almost pulled an arm free now! Don't you move a muscle! I'm sure I can do this myself...!"

 

I Need to Know.

"Mom," Asuka grumbled.

"Mmmm? Yes, dear?"

Asuka rasped awkwardly, then asked, without looking at the woman, "When... When did you realize you were falling for Misato, and how? Exactly what did you feel back then?"

Kyoko turned around, blinking a few times. "Why do you ask?"

"Just asking!"

"Well... To be honest, it took me a while to realize," Kyoko hummed, stroking her chin. "I was still hurting after your father, and Misato wouldn't stop teasing me and being an annoyance, even without meaning to. She wasn't exactly aware of what she was feeling, either, but she wouldn't stop getting closer and closer, and... Well, eventually I couldn't help falling for her!" She laughed. "No, seriously, why are you asking?"

Asuka had paled hideously, bleaching down like a cold body.

A pair of loud laughs rang from the living room. "Oh, Mari-chan!" Misato's voice was heard. "You're a riot, I really like you! Hey, Asuka-chan! Mari-chan's here to invite you out again...!"

 

Legend of the Dark Clown.

"Are you real?" Webby asked. "Aren't you tricking us? You've really fought the Joker?!"

"Well," Negi said, "it's not like we've fought him personally, but we were in conflict during the whole Kyoto debacle, and--"

"Is it true that he has three heads like a hydra, and each of them spits poison from a forked tongue?" Webby asked next.

"What? No!" Chisame exclaimed.

"I heard that whenever he laughs, all plants and animals in a 300 meters radium die in painful agony," Erza said with a perfectly straight face. "How did you even survive that?"

"When he-- Who the hell told you all of that?!" Asuna protested. "He's only a man, he doesn't even have any real meat on those bones, he--"

"Oh, come on!" Natsu slapped himself on a knee. "If he's just a man, how could he ever survive any fight with that Bat-man of yours?!"

"... exactly what have you been told the Batman can do?" Yue asked after a moment of shared silence from Ala Alba.

"He fights Superman, the man who can push a planet, regularly, doesn't he?" Lena asked. "With his peerless dark powers granting him the strenght of a thousand men?"

Asuna ran a hand down her face. "They... They don't fight all that often, really, and-- Oh, what the hell. None of that is true, they--"

"Are you going to say now that Superman can't even push a planet?" Louise huffed.

"Yes, yes, he can do that, I think, but..."

"Then how the others can keep up with him at all?! Just admit you never met any of them and let's be done with it!"

Yukino blinked, adjusted her glasses, and looked at Haruka. "Haruka-chan? I thought he really did he have a forked tongue, like a snake's...?"

 

You Cramp my Style.

This couldn't go any longer. If it did, I'd have to kill her... which, seeing how I was constantly surrounded by wet blankets, would have put an extra obstacle to my long term plans. And I must admit that I also felt it would be kind of a waste, all things considered.

So, we had to set that record straight. Finding myself alone and far from those ever watching eyes was difficult, but I had learned to take advantage of those spats Negi's women had among themselves to escape their surveillance. I was fortunate enough to find Mary alone as well, contemplating the Martian nocturnal sky in a light blue nightgown. She looked good enough to eat-- but no, I had to focus this once, and for that, I regrettably would have to do the complete opposite.

"Oh, Miss Tsukuyomi!" she joyfully spotted me before I could announce myself. "Just the person I was thinking about..."

"Mary-han, we need to talk," I told her. "Your affections towards me are misguided. I'm not a pure soul like Catarina-han or Negi-sensei..."

"I know, nobody is perfect, yet that makes your perfection," she smiled at me. "I'm not unintelligent, Miss Tsukuyomi. I'd have to be blind and deaf, not to notice how Miss Asuna, Miss Yue and Miss Skuld treat you."

"They hold themselves back before you," I reassured her. "You cannot fathom the depths of their hatred for me."

"How rude of them..."

"A hatred that I have earned gleefully and with no regrets."

"But of course. A true woman earns her place in others' heart through sheer effort, and has no shame of what she is."

I was starting to lose my patience at this dumb girl. "I'm a sword for hire. I have cut countless people down without a second thought..."

She nodded. "That is the mark of a true conqueror, for they may seem ruthless, but they understand the cost of a warrior's life."

"You misunderstand," I insisted. "It's not a sacrifice I make for my art, or my technique, or even for the money. My ultimate goal is not the renown, the fame, the power. It's the thrill of the battle, that of the ultimate victory, itself. I live to massacre. I'm as far from Catarina-dono and Negi-sensei as you could imagine!"

She paused, contemplating. "I see..."

Why wasn't she panicking? Why wasn't she reacting with disgust? Why wasn't she giving me an excuse?

She reached and tenderly stroke my cheek with a soft, delicate hand. That of a mistress, an aristocrat. Much like those of Konoka.

Konoka...

"Well," she said, "you can't help what you are, any more than they can, or any more than I can. There is beauty of different manners, both in light and in darkness."

Then I realized it at last. This gorgeous, terrifying creature had both within her.

"I..." I hesitated, feeling like a child again, "I'm in love with my sister..."

"I must admit I'm not tied to a single love either, as you have realized by now," she said softly, her face suddenly so close her breath blew on my lips. "Your sister? Then she cannot legally claim you as her spouse. Indiscreetions are, of course, to be expected occasionally from a noble's paramours."

And I knew that, indeed, this weak, feeble person had cramped my style in a way that Negi, Konoka, or Oneesama could not. Just not the way I had been thinking of until then.

It's the way the world works. The rich always find a way to use us.

I surrendered myself to that fact and let her kiss me.

 

A Gift.

Commander Aizen smiled. "Thank you for everything, Rukia-san," he said, as the Captains and Lieutenants all bowed to her. She winced briefly, overwhelmed by uneasiness. "Without you, well, Yamamoto would have brought all of Soul Society to his feet. As an apology for you, we now will grant you and your comrades anything you wish to ask from us."

"Anything...?" she asked, slightly baffled by his choice of words.

"As long as it falls within reasonable limits, naturally," Sasakibe warned. "So, for instance, claiming the life of one of our top tranked officials would still remain out of the question."

Ishida seethed under his breath while Mayuri allowed himself a short, macabre chuckle. Nemu wordlessly bopped him on the back of his head.

"I... I'm not sure my request would be allowed," Rukia said. "As I understand, it might fall beyond your regulations."

"Tell us about it, so we can decide," the Commander said.

She drew a breath in. "I wish for two souls to be allowed walking among the living..."

---

Sayo and Oshizu blinked slowly at the two bodies being presented before them. Each was a perfect copy of how their spirits looked, down to the latest detail, although sporting functional legs. "Senpai," Sayo said with a cracked voice after a moment, "is this...?"

Rukia smiled. "Just so you don't have to live in those dolls anymore, Sayo-chan. Don't think of repaying me. You've done more than enough for me already, with your friendship and support."

Both ghosts teared up, and then threw themselves on her, bawling their eyes out.

"Lucky them!" Orihime-senpai sighed. "I asked for a giant retro-steampunk giant robot, and they told me no...!"

"A complete injustice, since I'm certain Captain Kurotsuchi could have built one easily," Chad opined solemnly.

"Please shut up already," Ishida growled.

Ayaka blinked a few times. "Very well... and, other than that, how did your summer vacation go?"

 

Because She Trusts Me.

Skuld drew the deepest breath of her life, then handed the barely conscious, pale naked woman to Makie. "Take her outside," she begged.

Makie blinked. "Eh? But, Sku-chan, and you--?!"

"I'll cover your escape!" Skuld shouted, preparing her bomb launcher and rejoining Negi's side, even as he kept on blasting the incoming drones. "Don't discuss it, Makie! Go, now! Never look back!"

Makie still trembled for a moment, then nodded shakily and jumped away with her charge, the way they'd come.

It wasn't that carrying Belldandy-san in her arms was a problem. With Makie's Pactio enhanced strength, her load felt light as a feather, and she barely moved at all, so she wasn't a problem in that regard either. But the small winged things kept on coming from all sides at them as she ran, and Makie had to keep the rescuee grabbed with an arm, while the other opened a way for them, whipping her ribbon around in wide, sweeping arcs.

There were too many of them, and what with the way they shot, inevitably a few of their blasts would be shot before she sliced them, and then even occasionally raced past the ribbon before it could intercept them in midair. They hurt a lot, and Makie was certain any single of them would have left unconscious or worse in her normal state, so she made extra sure of never letting them hit Belldandy-san. Not that it wasn't getting harder and more difficult as she ran on, trying to remember the way they'd taken it.

A guard in armor suddenly turned around a corner, and trained a long spear directly on them, making Makie screech to a halt and gasp. Before the man could go any further, however, he was knocked out by a shot to his chestplate, and Makie turned her head back, to see Yuuna, guns blazing, shouting at her while she kept on shooting even more guards who were pouring in after the first one.

Makie couldn't make out what her friend was telling her over all the noise, but just this once, she didn't need to be told. She squeezed her eyes tight, tried not to cry, and kept on running, leaving Yuuna behind with a silent prayer. Belldandy-san felt so cold against her, her eyes so unfocused, unblinking.

She spun in the air to dodge shots from even more magical drones. She swung around with kicks to fell those that came the closest. Her chest felt as if on fire, and her ribs hurted like never before. She felt just about to faint, but she fought on, holding Belldandy-san tightly. Finally, she reached the large closed doors of the complex, and stopped to a dead grind there.

Now what? She couldn't possibly open these herself, and there were no sideways, so... did she have to turn back and look for another exit? No, she realized as she heard the heavy steps coming from behind her, that wasn't a choice either. More guards with blades and spears were almost on her now, and so Makie simply closed her eyes, hugged Belldandy-san, and whispered an apology.

Then, the doors exploded from the outside.

Makie cried out, while more shots, heavier and louder like cannonballs, resounded, large projectiles flying past over her head. The soldiers were blown back off their feet, scattering in all directions, and over the large clouds of dust flowing from the outside, an arm reached out, then another, grabbing her by the shoulders and armpits. She was lifted off her feet along her precious charge, and they were pulled into something also large and heavy. She heard whirrings and sighs, and then felt like they were gaining height, rising back into the open, towards the sun.

She smiled weakly, as a familiar warm hand cupped her cheek. She could see tears in his eyes. "Senpai..." she breathed out. "Please, don't cry..."

Sora-senpai desperately shouted questions from the steering wheel of her Pactio flying vehicle, doing her best to dodge every shot from their own aerial attackers while Morisato Keiichi simply held Makie in his arms, and then placed a delicate kiss on her forehead.

"Thank you, Maki-chan..." she could hear him say, with a strangled voice.

Finally, Belldandy-san's eyelids moved, very slowly, as if lazily reacting to the sound of his words.

Setsuna flew past them, into the complex, swinging her sword, while Makie fell asleep in his embrace. "Everything will be okay..." she still could hear him promise through the knot in his throat, and she tried to nod even though she couldn't anymore, not for now.

Please tell her I did it, Senpai.

 

Release the Boorswan Cut.

"I'm just amazed there was enough material left to cobble this together," Dewey said as they sat before the TV. "Even moreso that Uncle Scrooge would pay to film those reshoots."

Louie shrugged apathetically. "Superheroes are the only thing that sells movies nowadays, right? Even if it's Darkwing Duck."

Gosalyn frowned and punched him in the arm. "Hey, I'm just stating the public's general opinion of him! Just because this has a cult following it doesn't mean that--"

"I have heard that it is the long deserved, rightfully earned due tribute to a visionary's original concept, torn free with tooth and claw from the jaws of corporate greed," Cousin Fethry observed.

The kids looked at him.

Fethry shrugged. "Look, I'm not even a movie guy, it's just what the reviews they sent me said, okay?"

Lena sighed. "Gosalyn, you've watched it already, what are we in for?"

"Beats me," she said. "I fell asleep after the first hour, and Drake hadn't even put on the costume by then."

"That... That's not the best of presages..." Violet deadpanned while fixing a pillow and setting it behind a blinking Webby's head.

---

"It was awesome, excellent, fantastic, a true work of genius!" Webby enthused, hopping in place as she looked up at him adoringly. "When are you doing the sequel?!"

"Well..." Drake scratched himself on a cheek, "I'm glad you liked it, but Mr. Boorswan has sworn never working for Scrooge again, so..."

"Thank God," Violet sighed under her breath.

"Meh," Louie shrugged. "I've watched worse, I guess."

"You were staring at your cellphone the whole time!" Huey said.

"And who could blame me? Seriously!"

Lena bit on her thumb, too embarrassed to admit she'd loved it but also afraid she'd just look like she was sucking up to Webby by stating it.

"Hey, Papi," Gosalyn peeked from the next room. "Suit up, the news are saying Negaduck's just kidnapped Mr. Boorswan and tied him to a giant bomb while sputtering nonsense..."

 

Avengers # 4.

"I still say he is dead," Giant-Man insisted. "It is scientifically impossible for him to be alive."

Captain America looked at him. "It also should be impossible for a man to be kept alive for seven decades because of an experimental serum."

"That is not comparable in the slightest," Pym retorted irritably, "as you would know if you hadn't been kept dormant most of that time and actually read the reports and studies made since your time. This is just a body preserved on ice, with no external life support, and although it is remarkably well preserved, considering the possibility of him being alive in the slightest is, well, simply ridiculous."

"I still say I saw him breathe," Wasp said, while the Captain nodded solemnly.

Pym sighed and ran a hand down his face. "Iron Man? Your scanners, please..."

"They were damaged by Hulk," the armored figure said, leaning over the large chunk of ice, "but I would agree that it's an extremely unlikely scenario. It is an actual human body, that much is certain, but no human could survive this kind of situation. That's completely out of the question."

"But what if it's not human?" Wasp tapped her finger on the surface covering the massive hammer. "You've read on Norse myths, right? Do you know what this means?"

"Yes, I know what 'myths' mean, and that means they are totally fictional fabrications," Iron Man almost could be seen grinding his teeth under the faceplate. "No doubt, this poor devil was a traditional figurehead for his people, perhaps he was seen as an avatar or living representative for Thor."

"Or perhaps the local cultures actually staged a primitive theatre of sorts," Pym rubbed his jaw thoughtfully. "The cultural implications might be fascinating. Jan, you have anthropologist friends left from college, don't you?"

"Back in the war, I saw many strange things," Captain America said. "The Nazis actually did employ many means that they called mystical, and which frankly, I wouldn't be so fast as to call phony. I'm willing to entertain the notion. Plus, he did breathe at least once. I saw him!"

"Hear, hear," Wasp nodded.

"You still must be reeling from that blow to the head, Captain Rogers," Iron Man sighed in frustration. "Why don't you sit down, and--"

"There's an easy way to settle this if he's the real Thor," Janet said. She cleared her throat, gave a loud clap, and shouted, "There's women, beer and a fight going on!"

"Oh, Janet, for the love of God!" his fiance said. "Now you're just being--!"

A muscular arm shattered through the ice, grabbed him by the throat, and threw him against the submarine's wall.

 

A Valid Question.

"Hey. You lived all through the ages of decapitation by guillotine, didn't you?" the annoying thing with glasses asked.

"Of course I did," Evangeline said, lounging on her coach reading her book. "Why?"

"After they were done, did you use to go to the blade and lick it clean?" Tsukuyomi asked, deeply biting into her lower lip.

Evangeline turned to glare at her.

---

"For a mistress of evil, your teacher is far too prudish," the battered Tsukuyomi gurgled, stumbling into Negi's bedroom and then fainting into his arms.