Chapters
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User | Total |
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Quillion9000 | 6 |
"Only one person has shown themselves to be more skilled than me." Shark nodded. "I'm looking at him, right now."
center of the courtyard. After confirming it was seemingly no ones, he got to claim it and gave it to me."
Should be "you're" (Also, Flip Turner, you suck! You're nowhere near as awful as some of the other characters, but that bar is deep underground so no points there)
"every one" instead of "everyone" I am almost certain.
"I'd say it's a little to earlier to go saying that." Tori retorted.
"Every bit of defense I whittle down, is one more layer of defense you lose and one step further I take to reclaiming Master Hyperion." Tori drew. "With this next monster, I'm about to take several steps towards that goal.
I release my Meltiel to summon Airknight Parshath(LV5/1900/1400)."
"I may have lost some control over this duel, but it's easily regained with the monsters at my disposal!" Flip drew. "I set one monster before activating Book of Taiyou. This spell allows me to flip this set monster into face up attack position.
Say hello to Slate Warrior(LV 4/1900/400)." A blue fiend in orange attire appeared.
Say hello to Slate Warrior(LV 4/1900/400)." A blue fiend in orange attire appeared. "By being flipped face up, he gains 500 ATK and DEF." Slate Warrior(LV 4/2400/900 effect). "He'll use all that power to wipe your Airknight off the field."
You're, btw.
Another case of somebody's speech being broken into two paragraphs without quotation marks at the start of the second to indicate continued speech."Warrior of Zera is actually where Zeradias began his journey, with plenty of others like or beyond it able to claim the same." Tori informed. "On the path my deck takes, Zeradias is by no means the end of this particular journey.
Zera discovered the Sanctuary in the Sky to become Zeradias, and when the time was right, he was promoted. This can be achieved in duel by releasing Zera himself to special summon him. I call upon Archlord Zerato(LV 8/2800/2300)." A taller Zera with wings appeared.
Fairly sure you want "single" here.
Wrong warning, Tori. You should have warned him against playing that card against Flip, not against accepting it.
This is missing a closing quotation mark. (Not continued in the next paragraph, after all)"I just don't like making enemies. Some people might say I'm too forgiving, but that's who I am. My dad always said dueling was meant to bring out the best in people, so that's how I duel.
I am almost certain you want "whether" here rather than "weather".
Silly Yuto, you don't need people Shark believes to be better than him, just ones who're vaguely near him in skill. I believe Rio qualifies? Not very familiar with Zexal, though. After all, a lot of decks would have a better matchup against Yuto than Shark's deck.
Nah, just get undressed. If you showed up naked it'd be fine.I think several of your classmates would enjoy the view.
Good on Yuto treating his duel against Yuma as a teaching duel. Those two have it rough, and need as much help as possible redeeming their genocidal villains (Astral, XYZ Dragon, and Z-Arc) so them being friendly with each other is definitely a good sign.
I believe this should be "no one's".
Should be "you're" (Also, Flip Turner, you suck! You're nowhere near as awful as some of the other characters, but that bar is deep underground so no points there)
Request: Indicate that monsters are attacking to destroy monsters; when somebody declares that their monster destroys another monster I expect it to be by card effect, so that's been tripping me up.
"every one" instead of "everyone" I am almost certain.
"little too early" I believe
I believe you should either combine these into one paragraph, or open the second with quotation marks to indicate that it's the same character speaking.
Same deal here.
This seems like an error. IIUC, Man-Eater Bug destroyed Airknight last chapter and nothing happened to bring them back.
You're, btw.
Do you mean "Tori" rather than "Troi"?
Another case of somebody's speech being broken into two paragraphs without quotation marks at the start of the second to indicate continued speech.
Fairly sure you want "single" here.
Wrong warning, Tori. You should have warned him against playing that card against Flip, not against accepting it.(Though does Yuma even have a reasonable way of playing it? Ruri would, but she'd also have very little reason to play it since her archetype provides a much better method of getting direct attacks out)
This is missing a closing quotation mark. (Not continued in the next paragraph, after all)
Sorry this isn't organized particularly well, and I hope you don't mind the suggestions.
Thank you for writing and sharing this story; I look forward to seeing where this goes.
Also, thank you for allowing Tori to be more relevant; Yugioh has a bad habit of not allowing female characters to do much. Also, starring the best of Z-Arc's incarnations and involves the second-best of Ray's! (Serena is my favourite)
I had her use Monster Reborn at the end of the chapter prior to that and bring Airknight back.I'm glad it was helpful.
Not sure how you'll fix the opening to Dawn of the Numbers since the game state as it developed currently relies on Tori having a moderately powerful monster on the field. Add another set card and have it be something to recur Airknight? Though it'd probably have needed to be set on the prior turn so she couldn't bring it back for a second attack after the Man-Eater killed it...
I had her use Monster Reborn at the end of the chapter prior to that and bring Airknight back.
Yeah, it was a simple change that pretty much allows the duel to flow without there just suddenly being Airknight on the field after being destroyed by Man-Eater Bug. Her ace monster is actually Master Hyperion, but that's currently in the grubby hands of a certain flip effect user. Yeah, Tori has quite a few good fairy monsters within this deck of hers. Like Yuma, prior to suddenly getting Number 39, she lacks an extra deck as well in this universe.Ah, missed that. Thank you. And bringing it back during Main Phase 2 like that means you need far fewer changes.
Nice to see she has such a card; it'll be very helpful to her in general, I think.
In a way, this variation of Zexal does and does not connect to Arc-V. That is a story element that will be flushed out as the story progresses. As this is set more within Zexal, fusion, synchro, and rituals are cards which can show up. I will say Xyz summoning is going to be the main thing utilized, not exactly going to have people with abundant cards for their archetype branch into them, but they will show up.Are you running with Xyz monsters being the only known Extra Deck monsters? Or are there Fusions, Synchros, and maybe even Pendulums openly being used? Also, I'm hoping we get at least one good Ritual specialist.
"I challenged you, so I shall once again take the first move!" Flip drew, showing his duel pad as he deleted the video. "Now, I activate the continuous spell Sunset Beat. If a monster I control is changed to face-down defense, I can destroy one card on the field.
If a flip monster is flipped face-up, you'll be taking damage equal to 200 multiplied by their level. Both effects are ones which can be utilized once every turn. I'll then follow it up with one set monster before calling my turn there."
"Additionally, the destruction of Nova Summoner triggers his effect.
Normally, I could summon any light attributed fairy monster with 1500 ATK or less from my deck. Due to having Sanctuary active, it now targets Airknight Parshath(LV5/1900/1400)."
"Alright Flip, here I come!
First, I'll summon The Agent of Miracles – Jupiter(LV 4/1800/1000)."
"By detaching one overlay unit, I can target any one monster who was special summoned from the extra deck and change them to face-down defense position.
The only monster like that on the field is Vampiric Dragon."
"Since a face-up monster I control was changed to face-down defense position, Sunset Beat lets me destroy any card on the field.
I choose your Sanctuary!"
"I'll follow it up with the Book of Taiyou, allowing me to flip any one face-down monster into face-up attack position. I choose my Vampiric Dragon.
While a monster with ranks means Sunset Beat's other effect won't activate, a second effect of Number 24's will in allowing me to send any 1 card on the field to the grave due to him being flipped face-up. I choose Vingolf's Blessing."
"I'll activate the card I set last turn, Subterror Succession. With this, my deck can do one of two things. The only one that matters now is my ability to send 1 monster from my hand to the grave. I choose the water attributed Cystal Seer.
Now, I add any one flip monster from my deck to my hand, provided it has the same attribute yet a different name from the discarded monster. I select Flip Wizard. I'll then set one monster and activate Book of Taiyou to flip the Flip Wizard(LV 3/500/1200) I just set into attack position."
After all, Yuma's got a golden key that magically fixed itself while Flip is using a monster that changed his personality and seemingly gave him a glowing tattoo.
To top it off, I'm not in a stressful situation like Yuma, yet I'm seeing the same figure as him. All I'm saying is something weird is going on here, has been since last night and likely longer if what Yuma has told me is any indication. At this point, anything is possible."
"With my Battle Phase over, I shall use my dragon's effect. By detaching one overlay unit, I can flip one monster summoned from the extra deck face-down.
Since the only monster fitting that criteria is my dragon, he shall be my target."
"First, I set one monster before flipping my Vampiric Dragon face-up which activates his secondary effect. I can now automatically send any one card on your field to the grave. I choose your face-down on the left.
Go, Crimson Curse!"
"Then, I activate the quick-play Sol and Luna.
Through its power, I target my Vampiric Dragon and your Chanbara. Whatever their current battle position, they adopt the inverse. Face-up attack for my monster and face-down defense for yours. While his effect his once per turn, the capability of attacking has reset.
He'll once again attack your Acher. Go, Sanguine Storm!"
I believe he means he's only special summoned this turn."That said, all I've done is normal summon this turn, so I'll set one monster before ending my turn."
The x 3 was replaced by a smiley here. I believe there's an option to turn off that transformation, or you can put a space between them or otherwise change the precise sequence. (Shows up more than once in the chapter)
People are so lucky Astral got beaten down and forgot his purpose and history. I doubt Yuma would have had anywhere near as much success redeeming him otherwise even if he otherwise had the opportunity. (And even then it still required an epic duel to prevent him from following through on his mission, IIUC)"I am uncertain." Astral replied. "I cannot seem to recall much of anything. All I know is my name, and I was sent here to fulfill a great purpose; however, it seems something went wrong. Now, I am stuck here with no memory of who I am or what my purpose was. This is troubling."
Seems like this should be a question mark rather than a period.
Meanwhile, this seems like it should be a period rather than a question mark. (Or rephrased so it's a question, such as "To what extent, though?")
Thank you, the corrections have been made. As for how I do the whole speaking thing, that is the style I go with when I personally feel the paragraph is done. I tend to like keeping things to three lines max before hitting enter a couple times to then start a new line. A good number of times a character will have enough to say that it requires multiple paragraphs.You have more quotes split between two paragraphs with no opening quotation mark in the second. Is this a deliberate style choice you're making? Or a standard I am unfamiliar with, perhaps?
I believe he means he's only special summoned this turn.
The x 3 was replaced by a smiley here. I believe there's an option to turn off that transformation, or you can put a space between them or otherwise change the precise sequence. (Shows up more than once in the chapter)
People are so lucky Astral got beaten down and forgot his purpose and history. I doubt Yuma would have had anywhere near as much success redeeming him otherwise even if he otherwise had the opportunity. (And even then it still required an epic duel to prevent him from following through on his mission, IIUC)
Seems like this should be a question mark rather than a period.
Meanwhile, this seems like it should be a period rather than a question mark. (Or rephrased so it's a question, such as "To what extent, though?")
Edit: Opinion: Yuma's deck seems fairly lackluster, which is fitting. He spent three relatively specific cards to get a single 5000 attack out and then a 2500 monster with damage protection, a single material remaining, and a self-destruct effect that can be triggered if he loses the last one. Meanwhile, Dark Magic Curtain and Megamorph would have given a similar duel-ending move but been more flexible in general. And there are plenty of things that could be used instead of Dark Magic Curtain to get Dark Magician onto the field. (And, of course, several ways to deal with that Number rather than just hitting it with a big stick)
Edit2: Also, thank you for the chapter as usual.![]()
Operational? There are a few other things you might mean.Yuto felt a need to do something in relation to this whole Number business, but his systems weren't operation.
Almost certain you want "sweet" here rather than "sweat"."It doesn't matter what you add with a sweat monster like mine on the field." Yuma declared.
Where did this come from? Wasn't it destroyed the turn before?
Almost certain you want "wary" rather than "weary" here."More often than not, a monster with no ATK is one to be weary of."
This would more "properly" be "have to do this alone", though having dialogue, or even narration, in a less "proper" dialect is certainly acceptable.
Thanks, I fixed the issues.Operational? There are a few other things you might mean.
Almost certain you want "sweet" here rather than "sweat".
Where did this come from? Wasn't it destroyed the turn before?
Almost certain you want "wary" rather than "weary" here.
This would more "properly" be "have to do this alone", though having dialogue, or even narration, in a less "proper" dialect is certainly acceptable.
So, I suspect that Shark is going to be at least somewhat willing to talk with Yuto about the whole "Barians aren't actually comprised of evil people who deserve to be genocided" thing once he learns about it. Good job on making Shark less of an edgelord, Yuto!
Was lovely to see Megaliths in play. Did you remove a lot of the archetype cards from the card pool so it wouldn't absolutely dominate the setting? He certainly could have been making better plays if he had a better deck/better draws. (Senju and Manju, for instance, work brilliantly with the archetype in my experience, and getting Phul onto the field opens up so many options.
Yuma's family does seem to suck to some degree. Though given Yu-Gi-Oh it's probably above average regardless.
Haru demanding a kiss is something I take notable issue with. Coersive affection is... rather unpleasant, imo. She also doesn't seem to be doing a good job reining Kari in. (Though who knows, maybe this is what Kari's like after Haru's moderating influence is accounted for)I'd actually say Haru is a great grandma. My main grip is with Kari.
This doesn't mean I'm bashing her. If anything, I've at least given her a proper reason why she doesn't want Yuma dueling and merely extended that into something she'd totally do to limit that in the form of her taking away his allowance. Knowing Yuma, he'd totally blow all his money on new cards. I'd also say Kari gets better after the Charlie episode during the WDC. It does start at the sanctuary but then that Charlie episode comes into play so...
Decent for Zexal is rather different from "good from the perspective of when the Megalith archetype was fully released in the TCG".As for Caswell's Megaliths, he does actually have what I think is a decent deck.
I guess everyone sees it a different way when it comes to that scene. I understand your view. Just from where I'm standing, she didn't physically hurt him. It was a lift into the air with what she said would happen if he didn't give her that goodbye kiss being hyperbole given we never see any indication this old lady would hurt her grandchildren. Again, art is a matter of interpretation, and everyone has their views on how a character is.Haru demanding a kiss is something I take notable issue with. Coersive affection is... rather unpleasant, imo. She also doesn't seem to be doing a good job reining Kari in. (Though who knows, maybe this is what Kari's like after Haru's moderating influence is accounted for)
Decent for Zexal is rather different from "good from the perspective of when the Megalith archetype was fully released in the TCG".Pulling out at least one Ritual Summon every turn (including every opponent's turn) is a good goal to aim for, imo.
Of course, it's not like I actually have his decklist in hand so I can hardly judge it properly. Just his two turns seemed relatively lackluster to me for a Megalith deck.
I certainly don't disagree on that, but this is the anime where you pretty much draw whatever you need. Granted, no one is on the level of Yugi; however, everyone still pretty much keeps to the one of rule for their decks. Even Alexis, twice over ritual deck user, utilized one of cards. As for a ritual spell, I forgot to list Earth Chant. Replacing Magnet Reverse with that.Ah, playing singleton decreases consistency and power pretty considerably. Especially for most Ritual and Fusion decks.
Does the deck even have any Ritual Spells? If not, I don't think Choju of the Trillion Hands can resolve, and it'd just give his opponent a free look at his deck...
Go ahead, you're more than welcome to.I started watching a sub of Zexal. If you care I'll be putting some observations in a spoiler. (Hopefully it's an accurate translation)
1) Yuma's grandma demanded that Yuma eat breakfast, something I find entirely agreeable and respectable. Much better than demanding a kiss in my book.
2) Tetsuo deliberately sabotaged Yuma during a race they had which seems very unsporting, especially since they're trying to get to school on time.
3) Those cleaning bots are bullying Yuma? Who the heck programmed them to do that, and why?
4) Really, Tetsuo seems to be an asshole to Yuma in general. I hope he gets better later. Or gets less screentime.
5) An uncharitable interpretation of Yuma's philosophy: Charge ahead recklessly with no regard for the consequences of failure, the odds of success, nor how to actually improve to handle such challenges later on.
6) That school is so lucky they don't have Real Solid Vision around or they'd have so much property damage.
7) Canon!Shark is an even bigger asshole than Tetsuo is in this episode. Even without Number possession or his past life memories.
8) Kotori doesn't seem to be a particularly good friend, but she clearly does care and tries to help when she knows there's a problem.
9) Tetsuo did something nice but deliberately downplayed it. I guess he's some flavor of tsundere.
10) Shark wasted his Aqua Jet in his duel with Yuma. He effectively used it as just providing 1000 points of burn rather than something that improves his field presence. Since the anime version only lasts a turn rather than as long as the monster remains face-up on the field as a monster.
11) ... Shark isn't taking this duel remotely seriously, is he. That or his reputation is overblown. He destroyed Wonder Wand which I am fairly sure his planned monster could have hit over Gagaga Magician anyway and left the unknown trap intact.
Almost certain you want "excited" here instead of "exited".Tori trailed after him, smiling. "You sure seem exited, more than usual in fact."
When addressing somebody like this their name should be set apart with commas. So "Hey, Yuma." (And if the sentence was going to continue there should be a comma after the name ends as well)
excited here too.
"too" instead of "to".
I am fairly sure "doofus" is being treated as a name here, so it should be capitalized and have a comma between it and "Hey". Also, you're missing a closing quotation mark here.
This is in use and some consider it valid, but it doesn't actually make sense. If Yuma could have cared less that means he does care some amount, which is the opposite of the meaning people generally go for. Couldn't have cared less means what you probably mean when interpreted literally.
Now you care enough to think about the danger? I guess she's not completely hopeless...
I think you want "Don't worry, Sis, because I'll be fine." (Though I would personally go for "Don't worry, Sis; I'll be fine."
Ah, Yuma, giving away information he really shouldn't yet again..."On the field is my Level 3 Zubaba Buster, meaning my only choice would be Zubaba Knight." Yuma noted.
You're missing an opening quotation mark before "I summon"."If I wanted advice from an annoying ghost, I'd have gone to a haunted house." Yuma retorted. I summon Zubaba Knight(LV 3/1600/900)."
Astral learned and used reverse psychology. It was debatably effective!"Listen Yuma, do not lay down that trap card in your hand as you are not skilled enough to use it." Astral voiced.
Why didn't he summon Super Crashbug in attack to get a 3000 point attacker? Was he trying to mitigate risks from, say, Mirror Force?"Since Crashbugs X, Y, and Z are in my grave, I can banish them to special summon Super Crashbug(LV 4/0/3000) in face-up defense position." A giant, black-green Crashbug appeared. "Super Crashbug sees all monsters in face-up attack position have their ATK and DEF switched."
Should be "With your current life points". You're is a contraction of "you are" while "your" is the possessive pronoun."Now, Terro-byte shall destroy Zubaba Knight!" Mr. Kay smirked. "With you're current life points, this is the end!"
Should be Your here as well.
Should be "Yes, Yuma?"
Firstly, thank you as always for taking the time to do these corrections. No matter how much time it takes, you expend it to help me improve the chapter, and I appreciate it.Yuma's pride is rather unpleasant here. Equating people trying to help him with people trying to help him do better, lashing out at anyone and everyone who suggests he could do better... is this specifically about dueling for him, or would he also refuse to listen to anyone who suggested improvements to his athletic form, studying techniques, test-taking methodology, etc?
Kari continues being a horrible sister. Disregarding Yuma's own plans entirely, forcing him to ignore his hunger despite that being a sign that his body, you know, needs additional fuel/material, had him perform a stakeout he is almost certainly undertrained in at best against completely unknown opposition and who've already demonstrated a willingness to kill a whole lot of people...
Yuma continues to be reckless, unfortunately.
It was nice to see him win without using a Number monster, though. Especially since he was against a number user.
Go ahead, you're more than welcome to.
3. They are programmed to collect trash, which they for some reason see Yuma's deck as being.
9. Only when it seems to be Yuma as later on he isn't like that with the person who will have caught his eye come Zexal II
You're welcome.Firstly, thank you as always for taking the time to do these corrections. No matter how much time it takes, you expend it to help me improve the chapter, and I appreciate it.
And sure, there's a difference... one is willfully risking danger while the other is actively seeking it out. It's especially egregious since she should know that Yuma is extremely reckless and will charge into dangerous situations.Yeah, Kari kind of grew into her role properly later. To be fair, in this situation, there is a difference between staking out a library to actually going into danger like that tower. Then again, she'll later have Yuma help her with Charlie which is arguably a more dangerous situation than this. Here, despite how Mr. Kay acted, we know the result was ultimately harmless. There, while Charlie is doing a good thing, Yuma is still dueling him atop a monorail in motoon. While he does have a Number, initially he is put on that path by Kari...Yeah, she is certainly no Joey Wheeler or even a Zane prior to his newfound love for wearing black.
Ah, missed that it specifies it has to be summoned in defense position. That makes much more sense now.As for Super Crashbug, it's effect specifically states it cannot be normal summoned or set. It must be special summoned in face-up defense position through its effect. Moving onto Yuma, it always seemed to be about dueling where his ego and pride were concerned. Though that could just be down to the fact that's all Astral ever, justifiably given the context of him fading away, chose to really critique Yuma on after these episodes.
It's definitely good that he's getting better. He's just starting out from a rather... unadmirable point.This chapter is now meant to serve as an upswing for Yuma. Finally grasping what Astral truly meant. Through the duel sorting out the difference between what people like Flip and Shark have said on his dueling vs how Tori, Yuto, and Astral are trying to help him, and the fact that Yuto's little demonstration is pretty much what won him this duel.
3: They also straight up say he has no talent. Somebody involved was probably malicious.
9: I hadn't meant romantic, necessarily, just that he has positive feelings that he hides with anger, abrasiveness, etc.
You're welcome.
And sure, there's a difference... one is willfully risking danger while the other is actively seeking it out. It's especially egregious since she should know that Yuma is extremely reckless and will charge into dangerous situations.
Ah, missed that it specifies it has to be summoned in defense position. That makes much more sense now.
Imo, Yuma's stance would be acceptable if it were only ever about fun. Nothing gambled at any point and whatnot. But he is already actively seeking out situations with stakes and has even more facing him in the future which makes it an extreme liability.
It's definitely good that he's getting better. He's just starting out from a rather... unadmirable point.