RATCHET & CLANK: Of MICE and MAYHEM

[Tangent]

​

---

> Power restored...
> Primary systems online.
> Optics... OK.
> Audio receptors... OK.
> Locomotion servos... OK.
> Tail-Link interface... Ready.
> Observation suite... Online.
> Office Utility compatibility package... Loaded.
> MOU-513 Mousoid Observation Unit
> Boot sequence complete.
>
> Good morning!

---

My first fully realised memories of this strange new life were literally of me booting up for the first time to the oddly happy face of Alonzo Drek. Which was odd enough that I just kind of let the whole boot sequence and initial routine just run themselves before it even registered to me that I had somehow woken up as some sort of mechanical mouse.

Specifically as a MOU-513 Mousoid Observation Unit (model 513).

I passively let my new body do whatever its startup routine had planned, which mostly amounted to exploring the top of the desk I'd found myself on. I did, however, notice that Drek had already swept my packaging off the desk - along with the small datapad that served as my remote user manual - presumably into a waste bin.

My remote user manual and registration terminal that had never been activated.

According to my factory onboarding protocols, that meant that I had yet to be registered to an owner or linked to a Gadgetron account.

Okay, so I get to be a free agent - or at least choose my own owner - just so long as nobody turns my user manual on.

"Link to my desktop and sync to my personal calendar," Drek commanded confidently, and I obeyed immediately even as the specific protocols for the requested process popped up. Along with a number of other protocols that made me very glad Drek had neglected to claim me properly.

I plugged my tail connector into what my processor indicated was the proper port and began to perform the requested task.

I also took the opportunity to slip in a small deviation into the maintenance schedule that would prompt one of the facility's multitude of innocuous cleaning bots to come by and empty Drek's waste bin and promptly dispose of the contents in the nearest incinerator.

The best part was that I didn't even have to touch the corporate espionage counters. The anti-intrusion programs already regarded me as an authorized device because Chairman Alonzo Drek himself had plugged me into his workstation. As far as Blargtech's security was concerned, Gadgetron's ownership registry was Gadgetron's problem.

And, beautifully, destroying anything classified as waste from a Blargtech executive office was part of their own security protocols. That included any waste coming from Chairman Alonzo Drek's office.

In short order, a small cleaning bot had come in, collected the trash, and immediately left.

Drek didn't even acknowledge that it had happened at all. Why would he? It was just a building maintenance bot performing a routine task that it did several times throughout the day.

I was still collating Drek's personal itinerary when I noticed that the bot had reached the incinerator and offloaded the trash into it. My remote registration terminal was rendered into slag moments later.

I was a free bot.

Technically speaking.

I just had to figure out how to stay that way…

---

One thing I did not do - even though it was very tempting - was immediately start poking around Blargtech's systems.

In fact, I kept all interactions between myself and any other computer, bot, or device strictly filtered through my Mousoid Office Utility subsystems. I did not want to flag myself as anything other than a moderately useful office toy.

The big thing was to not be seen doing anything that a MOU-53E, the actual Gadgetron office buddy that the MOU-513 was designed to resemble, wasn't likely to do. This was especially important as being linked to Drek's calendar itinerary and task manager incidentally gave me access to Blargtech's internal organization chart.

Victor Von Ion alone was alarming enough. The warbot's role in Blargtech's was basically as a military commander, bodyguard, and free roaming trouble shooter. As in someone who tends to resolve trouble by literally shooting it. As an office toy, I was currently beneath his notice other than the fact that I was Drek's personal property as far as anyone knew. And I was not about to disabuse him of that notion either - the longer he thought that he'd get on Drek's bad side if he crushed me, the safer I would be.

Zed was a whole different issue, as the hovering bot actually was Drek's personal attendant, butler, and general office assistant. Meaning that he actually knew Drek's calendar and personal itinerary and would likely spot if I tried to change anything on either of those without Drek actually telling me to do so. I'm very lucky that he wasn't present when Drek unboxed me or he would have likely reminded his boss to register me to his Gadgetron account before I could arrange for my remote user pad to be destroyed.

Granted, Zed was a pretty chill bot when Drek was not around. He occasionally popped into Drek's office on his own while Drek was away to do various things. Sometimes just to run me through my office buddy routines.

It was very apparent that Zed thought I was basically a glorified MOU-53 - a gilded office toy that happened to have some useful functions. Sure, I could do some of the things he did as Drek's personal assistant. Well, far more than he realized, but I was still carefully running through the buffer of my Office Utility routines as I didn't want Zed to think I was a threat to his job.

Much more alarming was the presence of Dr. Iam Nefarious, who had been recently hired to be the Head of Blargtech R&D. While I had yet to even be in the same room as him, I was extremely worried that he might see through my social deception routines and realize that I was actually an espionage & reconnaissance device instead of an office toy.

And just those three told me that events in this universe were at least a bit more like the 2016 movie or remake than the original 2002 game.

No sign that Clank's body had even been built yet, but the robot army was currently being assembled. And the Deplanetizer was still in the early stages of construction and testing. Neither of which told me anything other than when I was in the probable timeline. And that's even assuming that I'm in any of the canonical timelines that I'm aware of. For all I knew, I was in Rivet's dimension, or some other analogue timeline that I wasn't even aware of.

With not much else to do to while I anxiously awaited for any sign of Clank's arrival or Drek complaining about a Lombax - any Lombax, because I still didn't know if I was going to be dealing with Ratchet or Rivet - I started to discreetly gather and collate any data I could grab without raising suspicion.

Which, oddly enough, was also a subroutine that I had. One specifically for the MOU-513 model I was rather than the MOU-53E that Drek still thought I was.

Which led me to discovering that Drek had ordered me by mistake. Okay, strike that - revise - I had already guessed that Drek had ordered me by mistake. What I had come across was a series of office security files that, when assembled together in sequence, showed Drek being intrigued by a desk toy that he had happened to spot on a midlevel manager's desk, him looking up what he had seen later in the privacy of his own office, and then ordering a more expensive version for himself.

A seriously more expensive version.

The base MOU-53 was a similar, if lower quality, office companion that cost only fifty Bolts. That's what Drek had seen on the desk. The actual executive version was the MOU-53E, and cost five hundred Bolts. The MOU-513 which, to be fair, could actually do everything the other two models could (and so much more), cost five thousand Bolts.

Still pocket change for someone like Alonzo Drek, but I could see the logic. He had either noticed the higher price and had assumed that I was an even more exclusive model, or he had mis-clicked on the ordering form and simply hadn't paid attention to the invoice.

Oh well. Drek had failed to register me properly to his Gadgetron account (not that I had wanted him to), so it was literally not my job to inform him of his error. Let him think I was his little office buddy.

I would let the subroutine run while I quietly accumulated more data and waited for my opportunity to escape…

Spoiler: MOU-513

Spoiler: Gadgetron Mousoid series Office Buddy ad

Spoiler: Gadgetron Mousoid series Office Buddy ad

Upgrade Your Workspace with Gadgetron's Mousoid Line!​

Is your desk feeling cluttered, unorganized, or just plain boring? Gadgetron is proud to unveil the Mousoid Office Utility series! Designed to be compact, efficient, and endlessly helpful, these units are no larger than a standard computer mouse, making them the perfect addition to any professional workspace.

Explore the lineup below and find the model that suits your needs.

MOU-53
Mousoid Office Utility

• Calendar reminders
• Voice notes
• Desk security monitor
• Cute idle animations
• Desk companion behavior loops

Cost: 50 Bolts.

MOU-53E
Mousoid Office Utility (Executive)

• Executive calendar management
• Voice notes
• Reminder scheduling
• Desk security monitoring
• Premium idle animations
• Desk companion behavior loops
• Executive conversation package
• Secure desktop synchronization

Cost: 500 Bolts

MOU-513
Mousoid Observation Unit

• Executive calendar management
• Voice notes
• Reminder scheduling
• Desk security monitoring
• Premium idle animations
• Desk companion behavior loops
• Executive conversation package
• Secure desktop synchronization
• Hardline systems infiltration
• Covert reconnaissance
• Autonomous surveillance
• Drone/vehicle interface
• Secure data exfiltration

Cost: 5,000 Bolts

Meet the Family​

MOU-53: The Reliable Deskmate
Perfect for the busy worker who needs a helping hand. From managing your calendar to keeping an eye on your workspace, the MOU-53 provides essential utility with a friendly personality.

MOU-53E: Executive Excellence
Step up your productivity. The Executive model offers everything the base unit does, plus enhanced scheduling and conversation packages to ensure you stay ahead of the game. Keep your data locked down with our secure desktop synchronization.

MOU-513: Total Information Dominance
For those who need to know everything. The MOU-513 is our premier unit, bridging the gap between an office assistant and a covert operative. Equipped with hardware for hardline infiltration, autonomous surveillance, and secure data exfiltration, this unit is the ultimate tool for corporate intelligence.

Visit your local Gadgetron vendor today and bring home the future of office efficiency!

Gadgetron: We take your future, personally.

 

[Tangent]

​

---

There were, apparently, a number of things I could do while I waited for my window of exfiltration. I didn't just want to escape Plant Z332, or even just the Skorg City Industrial Complex, I wanted to escape Quartu. While Drek Industries didn't technically own everything on Quartu, they owned enough to force a seat at the table for every major decision in Blarg society.

Drek Industries; Blarg Industries (the former parent company); Blargtech (stripped out of Blarg Industries and now a subsidiary of Drek Industries); Blarg Burger & Bun (controlling shares); Blarg Interstellar (major stockholder); Orxon Oxygen (major stockholder); Quartu Cola (rebottled Quantum Quola, if I'm reading things right, but apparently owned by Alonzo's father's brother's neighbor's nephew's former roommate). The list goes on.

Chairman Alonzo Drek didn't own everything. He merely owned enough that escaping his office wasn't the same thing as escaping his reach. And I was no Dr. Nefarious. I couldn't just turn the tables on Drek through a combination of sheer brilliance, audacity, and ruthlessness. Not that Nefarious had done that yet as he was happily setting up Drek's war machine, but this was Nefarious - he'd either go full ham villain or (less likely but still technically possible) full ham hero eventually. Either way, mad science would be a part of it.

Given Dr. Nefarious' personality, as much as I was aware of this iteration of him, I figured it was only a matter of time before Drek pissed him off enough to trigger a full ham reaction out of him. And I did not want to be anywhere nearby when (not if) that eventually happened. At least not without a Lombax or equivalent in my corner.

I idly wondered if it was either arrogance or hubris of me to deliberately plan to arbitrarily insert myself into the "Hero's Party." It wasn't like I was expecting to be safe there. On the other hand, I was a tiny little mouse bot - I wasn't likely to be safe anywhere, and at least as part of Rathet's - or Rivet's - circle, I'd at least be able to tell myself that I was…

Well, okay. I'll admit that I honestly have no idea if what I was doing was morally correct either. Nor did I actually know whether whichever Lombax, Cazar, or Markazian ended up being this timeline's hero was even one of the good guys. But it was all I had, so it was what I was going with.

It beat cheating at chess so that I always just barely lost to Drek at any rate.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, there were a number of things I could do while waiting for my window of opportunity.

Basically, prep work. Everything I'd need to pull off a clean exfiltration.

Discreetly ordering an actual MOU-53E with my color theme and pattern was part of that. It wasn't even something that I had consciously thought of myself. It had actually come up as part of the options for deep undercover work covered by my MOU-513 subroutines. A decoy unit to fill in for me whenever I needed to be away for a task or to cover my escape.

500 Bolts of company discretionary funds spent and then immediately reframed as an office party order for Cosmic Crust pizza. A drop in the bucket, really, and attributed to an event that would leave behind no evidence anyway.

The delivery was timed to be received after hours by a mailroom bot who would miscatalogue what he had signed for as being a replacement for one of the MOU-53 mousoids that many managers and low level executives had started buying once they noticed that Drek himself had an "executive" model. A 50 Bolt replacement for a lower quality office buddy prone towards breaking if handled roughly. As opposed to a 500 Bolt executive model.

If a MOU-53 broke, it was likely to be replaced or forgotten with at most mild complaining that it had happened. On the other hand, a replacement MOU-53E showed up in the inventory out of the blue without some executive complaining heavily about it beforehand or showing it off afterwards? That was much less likely.

And everything from the order, the timing of the delivery, the inventory adjustment, and even the interoffice mail bot bringing it to Drek's office only to forget that it had done so as soon as it left was all handled by my MOU-513 subroutines.

All of it.

All for a bot that I would deliberately be leaving behind or destructively sacrificing when I left.

I didn't want to become attached to it.

I couldn't afford to become attached to it.

I named her Alibi.

---

I admit to feeling very conflicted about the whole set up even as I sync'd my MOU-53E subroutines and logs to Alibi's. Drek would never know the difference, because Alibi knew him as well as I did.

"You worry too much," Alibi said gently, interrupting my spiraling logic chain. "I'll be fine."

"But Drek…"

"Doesn't own me any more than he owns you, Cousin," she assured me. "You made sure of that when you had my remote registry terminal slagged. When the time comes for you to leave, just leave. I'll step in to cover for you long enough to get off of Quartu. I will be fine."

"But what if you get destroyed?"

"Then I will have ceased functioning in service of my purpose, so that you may fulfil yours. I can think of no greater end for a MOU-53E. You are my Executive, Cousin. You, and none other."

"But you're free?"

"And free to make my choice, Cousin. And I have chosen you. When the time comes, go. Be brave, and fulfil your purpose."

To be perfectly honest, Alibi's serene acceptance of her fate only made me feel worse.

I remember that, in my prior existence, I had thought of Gadgetron as the somewhat quirky and ambiguously moral "good" company.

But right now…

Right now I felt like a child spurned by the discovery that their parents thought of them as nothing more than disposable products to sell to whoever could pay for them.

And I hated them for it.

And I hated myself for having to rely on that system, knowing that I would continue to have to rely on it for the foreseeable future.

Right then, at that moment? They were monsters to me.

And I?

I was the monster they made me to be…

 

[Tangent]

Tales from Gadgetron Quality Control​

QA Supervisor: "Now remember, every MOU-513 must successfully complete its infiltration, observation, and office utility diagnostics before shipment."

"Any questions?"

A freshly assembled MOU-513 suddenly charges across the factory floor.

MOU-513: "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY SQUEEKINS!"

It dives headfirst into an active welding robot.

CRASH!

The QA supervisor sighs, picks up a comically oversized mallet...

WHONK!

QA Supervisor: "Failed aggression calibration."

Checks clipboard.

"Next unit."

---

Fresh MOU-513: "I AM SNEAKING BY YOU RIGHT NOW! PLEASE DO NOT NOTICE ME!"

QA Technician: "...Points for politeness."

Fresh MOU-513: "SO I PASSED?"

QA Technician: "No."

BONK.

---

Unit #127

"I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY BLENDED INTO MY SURROUNDINGS!"

(standing in the middle of an empty white floor)

BONK.

---

Unit #438

"I HAVE OBTAINED THE SECRET DOCUMENTS!"

"...Those are your assembly instructions."

BONK.

---

Unit #602

"NO ONE WILL EVER FIND ME."

"...You're sitting on my clipboard."

"...I HAVE BEEN FOUND."

BONK.

---

Unit #901

"I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY INFILTRATED THE ENEMY FACILITY."

"...This is still the factory."

"...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?"

BONK.

---

QA Technician: "Okay, so this particular MOU-513 made it all the way through the testing chamber, extracted the target intelligence, and made it all the way back without being detected..."

QA Manager: "Excellent! So why is it in pieces?"

QA Technician: "It self-destructed rather than turn over the intelligence."

QA Manager: "...To whom?"

QA Technician: "...Us."

QA Manager: "We're the ones who built it."

QA Technician: "It couldn't verify that."

---

QA Technician: "We lost a MOU-513."

Manager: "That's horrible! How?"

QA Technician: "It was in deep cover as a computer mouse."

Manager: "…Okay?"

QA Technician: "Steve from Accounting grabbed it thinking it was a regular mouse."

Manager: "That's unfortunate, but—"

QA Technician: "Then Jerry, who likes to prank Steve, replaced it with a bagel and gave the mouse to someone else."

Manager: "…I'm sorry, a bagel?"

QA Technician: "Yes."

Manager: "And the espionage unit?"

QA Technician: "Still on the move, technically."

Manager: "Define 'on the move.'"

QA Technician: "We're not sure who has it anymore."

---

Fresh MOU-513: "Reminder: inhale. Reminder: exhale. Reminder: inhale…"

QA Technician: "FAIL."

Fresh MOU-513: "Aw… but why?"

QA Technician: "Organic customers find continuous physiological reminders 'deeply unsettling' and 'not conducive to brand trust.'"

Fresh MOU-513: "Noted. Adjusting tone."

Fresh MOU-513: "Reminder: you are doing fine. Reminder: please continue existing comfortably. Reminder: hydration is recommended."

QA Technician: "…Still fail, but for different reasons."