Sakku's hall of snippets and recursive goodness

[Sakku]

"Is everything at work alright?" was what pulled him out of my reverie. He nearly choked on the stir-fry leftovers they had for breakfast. Thankfully it was shrimp.

He didn't know if he could handle meat.

"What was it, Chae-Yeong?" He said, grabbing some water and downing it to clear my pipes.

"I don't know. You seem distant since you finally are out of the trial period. Are you doing alright?" She looked at him with her big black eyes with clear concern, and as always, when he felt like lying to her, he looked at her right in the eyebrow, like he would a stranger.

"I'm fine. It's just… you know how working for a Wing is. First incident in recorded history six months ago… they're on our asses right now," He blurted out the answer, a crooked smile on his lips.

"Hm," she grunted, clearly unsatisfied.

"Maybe if someone would give me enough sleep, I'd have a better performance review at work…"

It was her turn to choke and to turn beet red, she drank with desperation to clear the congestion in her throat. He chuckled, he still had it. He finished and put the dishes in the washer before walking to the door.

"Get me those Andong Jjimdak from the little shop near your office!" She shouted while he was putting his shoes on and grunted in confirmation. He knew exactly which one she was talking about. It was the one the visitors would enjoy to get access to some District 23 street food. It wasn't the District of flavor for nothing.

He wasn't a native. Not like her. When he managed to get into this Nest, six months ago, the only thing that made him stay was the promise of gainful employment and safety. Now, it was her, only her. Four months ago, he had cleared the written and physical exams somewhere ahead of the pack. He'd been informed about it three weeks ago, as he was still working in the convenience store where he met her. They had a two-week training program.

Two weeks ago, he watched some tapes and memorized three employee manuals that made Chae-Yeong's need for physical affection a much-welcomed escape.

He emerged from their relatively comfortable study apartment to the actual corridor of their complex. The smell of smoke and distant rot, mixed with the remnant of his meal, assaulted his nose. He frankly didn't care. It was better than out there, on the backstreets, where piss, the acidic tang of garbage and the greasy cling of dead bodies dominated.

No need to worry about that though. It was always humid in District 23, with all the vapor coming from the kitchens and restaurants, especially at this time of day. The very dawn was when the kitchens preparing themselves for the lunch rush were beginning their preparations. Washed down in blue light, he'd never guess that the sun was soon to rise. The high-rise made it almost impossible.

He only had forty minutes of walking to do in the most crowded part of the streets, looking discreetly behind his back, to find his way towards the biggest, most important building, the one where two proud arrows of azure crossed and formed a W.

He sighed. It was likely that he wouldn't be seeing the sun setting either that workday. Shame.

He took a deep breath and walked towards the automatic door. They opened, he entered.

He had to blink away the sudden change in color, or rather in light level. Dull blue neon light was replaced by the energetic white of a sanitized train station and the constant movement of people. Him? He wasn't going in the trains. Nope.

He made a beeline for a door marked with "employees only", scanned his employee card, and entered. Of course, the card wasn't actually linked to his clock. He'd only be fully clocked in when he'd be in the full W.corp cleanup crew panoply, which included another internal identifier that would then let him pass the Cleanup crew only doors. Then, and only then, would he be able to clock in, which is why he'd needed to do that quickly.
Chit-chat would only happen on the company's dime, while he was being productive. He saluted some people idly passing by, and went to the locker room. Frankly, divesting himself didn't take that long. The standard W.corp Cleanup crew panoply was also thankfully made of pretty good fabric and plates. A cap, a long shirt, a necktie, gloves, pants, a belt, combat boots, and some pouches for equipment, ammo, and first aid. All in the black, gray, and blue of the company.

He retrieved his trade tools, their holster secured to his belt. He let the identifier on his assigned body armor open the door for him, and he was in.
Once again, to be in a world completely awash with blue.

"Confirming: L1 Agent, Paris, present on the platform. Next train arrival in… 200 seconds. Please join your team at dock 7A"

7A?! That was literally on the other side of the facility. Oh no.

He ran like hell. Of course, he was clocked in, but his performance rating was still very much at play there! He couldn't afford to be fired, never!
"Caution: L1 Agent Paris, please check in at Dock 7-A. Next arrival in 150 seconds," he heard the clerical voice follow him through the PA system.
He growled, keeping as much of his breath as he could allow himself to while raging against the absolutely gigantic architecture of polished metal floors and blue neon lights he had to navigate. In another reality, he would be thankful that his job kept him physically active. It made it almost worth it. Almost.

"Caution: L1 Agent Paris, please check in at Dock 7-A. Next arrival in 90 seconds," he heard again when the ghost of a smile crept on his features, killing it instantly.

He had finished traversing the Dock 6 ensemble, eight linked docks where he could already see people prepare for the morning rush. His team was in view. He could see one of his teammates wave his hands towards him.

The whole new feather sprinted and high-fived the waiting arm of his senior, who giggled at the rolling eyes of his new chief. Personally, he also found the unnaturally positive, and dare he say immature, attitude of his colleague to be irritating. But it was his senior. And as a junior, it was one of his responsibilities to indulge his more experienced colleagues.

"Hey there, buddy! Ready for a brand new day?" L2 Warp Corp clean-up crew agent Candide asked him completely genuinely. Paris had known him for only a week and couldn't fathom the taller man to ever be ironic… Or be anything other than the human incarnation of a Golden Retriever.

"I can try," answered the newbie, shaking his head and saving his breath. He had… 70 seconds before the next train appeared, and it would be a pretty high-intensity marathon as soon as the doors opened.

"Almost late," she who he would call his boss touted. She was a bit taller than him, though he frankly didn't mind. He was middling in height, always had been, and was used to seeing people taller and smaller than him. Impeccably dry-cleaned clothes and polished armor, she was the pigtailed corporate drone he needed to watch out for. Well, not really. He was just sure that she was some sort of tattletale. She had been one of the people responsible for the newbie's orientation and formation, meaning that he got to know her for three weeks.

His high score on the entrance exam had warranted her attention. Had he known, he would have tried to be middling there too, or refuse.

"Jeanne-nim, the company manual does mandate that an agent of the W Corp's clean-up crew isn't late to care for their passenger before thirty seconds ante-arrival-"

"Provided that the highest-ranked employee doesn't also want to modify the team roster one day prior, which I did by adding another one of the 'promising' recruits of this batch, which gives us fifty seconds ante-arrival, as per Motion 5 of Article 3 of the last edition of the employee's manual, as found in the fifth employee's letter," she announced proudly and smugly, giving him a regulation he already knew by heart. "It is, however, good that you know the standard regulation, rookie."

If he hadn't already gotten what kind of person Jeanne was, he would have asked why he hadn't been notified. He had wizened up about her on his second day, and… she was L3. She was the reason why he knew all of those by heart already, she had quizzed him. Maybe that was why Candide seemed to always be the first to arrive.

"Oh, where's the rookie? Is it her first day?" Candide asked, eager to get another friend.

"Just… in time," Jeanne supplied, looking at her watch.

A young woman in standard L1 gear and two space-ripping daggers cleared from the crowd, winded.

"Oh, hi Tanit," he said to one of his table neighbors from his two weeks of formation. Apparently, Jeanne poached her from her previous team.

"Yay! More B.S. !!!" Candide shouted, almost jumping in joy.

Paris really didn't see how he could manage that with 45 seconds until the next clause in their NDA.

"Introductions are in order! Level 3 agent of the esteemed Warp Corporation Clean-up Branch, Jeanne, responsible for Squad A-P0-C." Began the boss, holding her ripper-polearm a bit straighter while she puffed up with corporate pride.

"Oh! It's my turn!" Candide performed a relaxed military salute with his ripper-gloves. "Well, I'm L2 Wcorp agent Candide! I love doing anything!" He said with his usual enthusiasm. Paris could swear he could see his eyes twinkle.

"Well, my turn. L1 Paris," he said, completing the assignment without satisfying either Jeanne's need for corporate talk or Candide's enthusiasm. Brevity was the soul of his wit. He raised a single eyebrow towards the all too calm rookie. She had begun exactly as soon as he did, why was she so calm, especially after changing teams so soon? There was an angle he wasn't seeing.

There had to be a reason. She'd reveal herself sooner or later. People revealed themselves through what they did when exhausted.
"Welp, Hi. Tanit. Level 1, all that. I guess I'm the most junior on this team, even though I began at the same time as Paris." Again, too relaxed. He was brief but correct. She either didn't read the rule or didn't care about proper introductions.

"Caution: Dock 7-A. Train arrival imminent. 20 s. Estimated state: Delayed."

"Well! Good, an early test of our capacities as a team! Now, Tanit," she began to ask, with her eyes closed, "Can you cite the five levels of threat from the returning passengers once a Warp train arrives at its destination?"

That was an obvious one; it was always the first thing she grilled you about. Of course it was useful since knowing the estimated threat levels could obviously save your life.

"Huh… Unobstructed, Delayed, Congested, for which we need to call L4s, and then Cancelled and Derailed, but only L5s do that since it has Grade 1 fixer-level threats inside."

Not to be said that while the train station system could estimate a provisional threat level based entirely around the identity of the paying clients (if they bothered to give their real one), a growing phenomenon made it less and less indicative of the real threats the agents would find inside a docked train on its way for the grand return to the station after its eon-long voyage.

The actual threat rating was done by the agents themselves, and could easily go up or down. It only took one combat-capable person with the right tools… and a routine cleanup could become a disaster.

"Hm, good enough," Jeanne simply commented, looking at her watch. Of course, she would have wanted the whole tirade, which she could then interrupt and then give her some well-prepared speech about the usage of time. All full of well-picked and very exact corporate jargon. He knew it because it's what she did with him. Tanit had avoided the trap, all to Jeanne's disappointment.

"Caution: Dock 7-A, Opening door to the train. Please proceed."

The train appeared into view with barely a sound, just the grunt of settling metal and the displaced air. 10 wagons, 40 seats per wagon. Thankfully, they sold 50 first-class seats, so in truth, only 350 passengers to be accounted for between the four of them, about 88 each.

What it actually meant was that they needed to enter from the first-class cars, then strike hard and keep the momentum going before the passengers could think of establishing barricades or organizing some defenses. They were told that after 20 000 years without stimulation, the inhabitants of the trains had much reduced brain activity, but the threat classification system told him that it was a corporate half-truth at best.

The door to the first-class car opened. They went in running. It was simple, they had three seconds to enter the train before it could warp again. Yes, it did that. It was an essential part of the process. The shifting between the dimensions really wasn't the most energy-hungry part of the process. According to the employee handbook (second volume), it was the maintaining of the memory-field inside the train itself.

They got in, they warped back into the pocket time. Now, they had as much time as they would ever need. If there ever was a major discrepancy with the provisional threat level, they could request some aid.

The first class cars smelt like a hospital. It was chilly too. The new edition of the employee's handbook had an addendum about the possibility of complications for the first-class passengers. Just in case.

It also meant that they now informed about a lot of the machines' processes. From the chemicals, their possible interactions, their intended effects, to the circuitry of the machine. Of course, it had been part of the exam. At the time, he didn't know why.

Now he knew, and was tasked to verify that everyone was in their proper place and in one piece. It was a quick check. Five minutes in total.

Without having to be told to, he punched out a hidden panel and began typing his corporate ID and password to identify himself, allowing the train to fully communicate back with the station. It had been part of the exam too, and of their post-exam. He engaged the connection, then checked the vitals of all of his passengers. 19 out of 50 hibernation pods online. The indicator of a possible future downsizing. Not great.

At least, all of the passengers were left unmolested. Good, no need to try and apply the nightmare of PR-protecting maneuvers that was apparently the logical conclusion of his job. It was written in legalese so obscure and dense that he didn't understand it. At all.

He had been considering asking Jeanne about it, but her fluency in legalese meant she was currently drowning Tanit with corporate slop while explaining what he was currently doing and, of course, the rules. It could be explained in such simple terms… Corporate always had a way to make something simple sound like rocket science.

The technical details weren't that important, it was more about operational security, then making sure that they had everyone and that they were right in their seats when the train came back from its great voyage, making sure you were logged off and fully out of the train, then sending it back in the seconds that remained.

Thousands of people routinely got to work on time thanks to their services.

"ID complete, Jeanne-nim, the first-class passengers are all accounted for and undisturbed," he announced with the minimum amount of enthusiasm required, preparing his weapon.

"Good, then let's move in synergistic fashion. Tanit and Paris, you will assist Candide and me in liquidating the first fourteen cars, then you'll let us clear the rest of the delay. You will put every one of our dear passengers in their seats to begin the returning process. Am I clear?"

"Yes, boss!" they all shouted, activating their weapons in a flash of blue. He strung his bow with a push of a button, making it taut.

Paris prepared his breathing mask and didn't wait to put it on. It was normally in regulation to put it on after one would hear the hiss of the airlock between the first class and the economy class, but he really didn't care for that special blend of 'all the fluids present in a human and allowed to macerate for thousands of years'.

On his first train, when it was just Jeanne, Candide and him, he had been tasked with opening the airlock. The hot, damp, and fetid air had blown right into his open mouth when he was reciting procedure. He vomited and couldn't eat for the rest of the day. Had chewed him off for that, of course. But rather than take a W Corp-branded vomit bag like she had advised him to, he took out the mask a few seconds earlier than tasked for, and he breathed in the plastic-flavored air as deeply as he could.

The door hissed audibly, and Tanit grimaced, but didn't quite flinch. No need for a mask with her. Jeanne and Candide put their own masks on and waited, on guard, for the five seconds that followed for the airlock to completely equalize the pressure and open.

With a squelching of flesh, it opened. Tendons and muscles, glued with grit and time, ripped and let a body fall, revealing a massacre in the train. The remains of the passengers were caking the walls, ceiling, and floor in a very thorough and almost artistic manner. In fact, some of them were sewn together so as to represent a new inhuman shape of contorted bodies, kept together and stretched to their very limits. It looked like a tree that was silently screaming in agony. No eyes. They were either crushed or lodged somewhere else. He sincerely hoped they didn't shove their eyes in their cavities to try and see inside.

Anyway, that was sadly just the habitual result of a prolonged stay in an enclosed environment with no hint of any stimulation or need. A jungle of red.

"No assailant so far. Car one out of twenty-eight secure," declared Jeanne with pride.

"No traps?" asked Tanit.

"Nah, not their style when they do obvious arts and crafts like those! It's more of a worship-place!" Candide replied while cutting through the construct with his space-ripping gloves, displacing and parting tendons and tensioned meat like it was air through cuts in the fabric of space itself in great blue and purple gashes.

"Way's open, misses and gentlemen! Let's get to it!"

Paris took a deep, sterile-smelling breath, took a blue-tipped arrow from his quiver, and drew the bow.

Tanit ran and flashed her identifiers on a hidden part of the wall that allowed her to keep cover.

The door opened. Paris saw one of the passengers. A red shape. He loosed the space-ripping arrow.

A line of purple-tipped blue distortion followed and impaled one of his clients, passed right through, and opened a massive gash, losing its charge and getting stuck into another one of the creatures. No fusions. No weapons. Good.

Ten inside. Either they hadn't migrated, or they had claimed a territory, this. Given that an estimated 65 to 70% of all civilian passengers were used as wall decoration according to Warp Corp statistics, the second option was likelier. That still left an estimated 100 to 120 people to neutralize at each boarding.

Jeanne and Candide followed the arrow. Tanit followed them. The clients screamed in animalistic fashion. What could they do against prepared W Corp specialists?

Candide went in first and initiated with a hook from his right, separating five of them. The one he clocked got ripped in half, eliminating it. Jeanne cleaved through 3 at once with a single swing of her charged polearm. Deep light-blue, she was confident since she was overcharging her weapon. Tanit gave it her all, she ran and gave her own target a double slice in the torso, cutting right where the chest muscles should be, then activated her weapons to cut even deeper. She went through like butter, but continued and capitalized on her momentum, reversed her grip, and in a circular, almost dance-like motion, nailed another one right in the head, decapitating it.

No weapons, likely no strategy. There was something weird at play, but Paris wasn't paid to think about the future. He was paid to act in a synergistic fashion with his team. There were only three left. Paris struck, the things had mostly kept to the walls. In turn, his team had converged to the walls of the very spacious wagons. This meant that he had carte blanche when it came to loose arrows. He had two. The first one went right into a passenger's leg, it discharged, severing it cleanly and making them fall. The second got his client in the back, cutting right into the spine.

Candide was implacable. He kicked the wall he was near to give himself momentum, and did it with such force that he completely repulsed a circle of flesh a meter in diameter that had been coating it. He flew towards the falling passenger and kicked it right in the head, decapitating him.

Adjusting his cap on his head, the L2 cleanup agent smiled with all his teeth and slid on the well-worn floor to intercept the third inhabitant of the train. He charged his fist with blue energy and hit the poor thing right in the center of the back. Hard enough to hear an audible crack of glass as space itself was fractured through the power of this single punch. The passenger was left in viscous shards while the deep indigo hole in reality closed itself. Jeanne ran and decapitated the last paralyzed passenger just a second later.

The door to the next railway car opened itself alone (bad sign), and a hulking monster with a cloak of human skins for sole garment revealed itself, accompanied by a pack of other feral-looking people. Likely one of the reasons the train was delayed.

With Candide in front, Paris was at a very bad angle to shoot. The big one growled and tried to grab at the lanky man. Not a great move. Candide dropped to dodge, put one hand on the ground, and pushed. The space-ripping boots nicked one of the arms right in the bone too. The creature flinched. Paris narrowed his eyes. It had enough sense to make sense of combat and consider risks to itself.

Tanit and Jeanne were otherwise occupied destroying the chaff. He didn't bother to count the normal ones. They'd fall fast, standard passenger. The archer jumped to a seat and, standing on the top rails, found an angle. He loosened the arrow. He made it curve downward more than usual. The arrow lodged itself in the thing's guts and opened the abdominal cavity, to its roar of pain and anger. Great… gut shots were debilitating for the clients.

"Don't worry, buddy, I got this!" Candide shouted to himself, dodging a febrile strike from the big guy, then dancing back to avoid a small one that wanted to get him from behind before kicking it in four. Children were always a pain to clean up…

"A bit of help here?" asked Tanit, trying to staunch what seemed to be a near-unending tide of very energetic attackers. She and Jeanne were nearly overwhelmed.

"Coming!" He shouted. He braced himself and tried to jump out, already reaching for his standard Warp baton.

He felt something tug at his leg and fell in a flash of pain and fear, making him lose his bow. Shit! One of the passengers, an unnaturally elongated one that he had thought to have been assimilated into the wall, you know, as part of the DECOR, had grabbed him by the leg and was now running towards Car 1 with a wheezing laugh.

"Ambush type !" He screamed. His voice was lost in the melody of a massacre of fighting, feeling the fear rising. He felt the sleek floor stain his back. In a panic, he tried to reach toward his baton. He couldn't get to it. The lanky passenger screamed and threw him at the wall with a gurgle.

He got the wind knocked out of him and fell on waiting arms. The mask fell from his face, hitting him with the wet smell of the train's inside all at once. They tried to rip at his uniform with their nail-less fingers, caked in blood and old sweat and other fluids that refused to leave their owner. They tried and failed just long enough for him to reach his baton. They were thankfully too far gone to grab him by the arm.

He drew the baton and cut in a restrained arc, freeing himself before giving up on manners and tackling the one that thought he could be so easily grabbed. They were light. They always were when they were altered that way. Black anger rose in his chest, burning inside, and he struck the struggling creature in the head with the baton. Again and again and again, space ripping to the lowest level, just to feel the shock reverberate in his baton. Again, it hurt. The thing barely moved anymore. Again, until the brain exploded out of the brain case and he had trouble feeling his arm. His shoulder hurt, so did his back, but that's why he had armor. Shit, the others! He ran to the other wagon to see the fight continuing.

He sprinted, jump-kicked one of the passengers that was beginning to get curious with his bow, and used his movement to ride the unfortunate creature like a surfboard on the slimy metal floor of the wagon. Baton well in hand, he overcharged it and cracked the first head that came in view, before stomping on the head of his living vehicle.

"Be wary of the wall, they're type 3," Paris said to the two girls, weaving in and out of the client's strike before retaliating.

Tanit groaned and cut her next victim. Jeanne didn't, but she twitched before bisecting a whole group of them in a single, seemingly effortless arc of space-ripping. A true veteran. Everyone hated type 3 walls. They were shit to spot during the theory exams, and shittier to spot and deal with in real life. Because you never know if they're just decorations, traps, or predators lying in ambush.

Paris felt the raking motion of one of these things grating its finger on his body armor and retaliated by hitting it in the arm, severing it, then another hit right on the cheekbone.

"Buddy!" Candide shouted, him and his brute had moved. Paris turned around to see his bow flying towards him. Candide dodged a devastating strike from the monster. The archer grabbed it with one hand, used its space-ripping limb to brain another of the aggressive passengers in a single night-blue arc, used the momentum to turn on himself while drawing, lowering his center of gravity and pushing more charge than he ought to into that arrow. The arrow had a small capacitor inside.

What corporate didn't tell people, but he discovered himself, was that one could overcharge them. Losing arrows was expected in fights. A 100% retrieval rate wasn't expected of him (though anything less than 70% per train would be docked from his salary…). Overcharging was very bad for the arrows. You didn't want to do it unless you were very confident in your timing. He was pretty sure that he was hitting a sweet spot just before the arrow became so overcharged that it would just detonate and kill him.

Arms shaking and fear set deeply in his sick belly, he loosed the arrow. It ignited in the atmosphere of the train, severing and rending space itself on its way to the musclebound passenger. It tried to dodge, to its credit, it almost had the reaction time necessary to avoid this attack. But it was too big to do so. The arrow went deeply into the thing's reinforced muscles, and in the sound of a great shattering of glass, three-dimensional spiderwebs and great cracks exploded outwards in a flash of deepest purple. The fabric of the very cosmos was revealed to all in a spectacle of impaling light, and then it collapsed in on itself in a great clap of wind, making the giant explode.

"Thanks, buddy!" Candide said, bouncing again to avoid yet ANOTHER ambushed passenger and giving it a spinning kick of untold power that made its head spin in its neck. The veteran gave the archer two thumbs up and an encouraging smile before charging towards the fray.

Paris searched for a calm place within his mind, one that had olive trees and the scent of the sea, and part of him retreated there while continuing his job. They continued and pushed on their momentum. The plan to leave the other two at Car 14 was abandoned, since the environment was apparently too hostile to afford isolating the two least experienced workers. But finally, after two hours of grueling fighting… they secured it. The train was completely empty of all moving life. They had taken a rest at Car 13, for a 'team-building 5-minute pause' as Jeanne put it.

Paris had lazed about for 5 minutes, filthy with blood and other sticky substances that thankfully couldn't pass the waterproof layer of insulation his uniform granted him. Unfortunately, that also meant that he was sticky with sweat. His own, at least.
They never got as much resistance as the big lad in Car 2. He must have been something akin to the chief, or some form of top-order predator in this train's ecology.

With one last fall of the glaive, Jeanne had finished off the last one standing.

"Confirming: Railway status, Unobstructed, Team AP-0-C, next departure in 5min, please complete cleanup ASAP," they heard from the train's announcement system.

They could finally do their actual jobs. Given that what they did inside the train happened instantaneously, it also meant that they had all the time in the world to do their actual job. Then a five-minute pause before the next train would arrive. Their tools were actually meant to part passengers from each other in case of a fusion or if they had decided to fuse.

His was an innovative iteration on the Warp Corp philosophy. This yet unnamed phenomenon of professional combatants enjoying a ride in their economy class rather than the first-class meant that they needed to be more aggressive and have some agents with tools specialized in all ranges. Or say, had Jeanne said with her eyes closed and a tear threatening to escape them while she recited the corporate scripture with diligent fervor.

Cleanup was… frankly less disgusting than anything else. They just needed to make piles and use their handheld analyzers to verify that the meat and fluids they scooped up were genetically identical to the code that had secretly been registered on the seat. This was busy work, but thankfully, Jeanne's obsession with efficiency and "going above and beyond quotas" meant that she was also thinking for the four of them. They didn't need all of their client to reconstitute them. Thankfully, only 80% of the initial mass was necessary to have a full recovery.

One problem, however. In car 9, the passengers had apparently developed a culture of… plastering other people into the walls and furniture. To the point that a thick meat moss had been deposited, and intestines hanging like loose jungle vines.

Paris sighed when he saw what they had to separate, sort, and then bring back to their rightful place. Jeanne put a firm hand on his back.

"Time to show corporate the high standard this team was built from," she announced to her underling.

"Meaning that you chose me based on my exam results to… sort tangled bodies?" he asked, baffled and still winded some.

"A major part of our production pipeline!" she insisted with a satisfied smile, making him frown discreetly. She saw that. He knew. Few things escaped her gaze. "And think about it, if we perform well this quarter, we'll be rewarded with the highest honor the company can grant us."

"Which woul-"

"Yes! A one-of-a-kind Warp Corp-sponsored pizza party!" She said with uncontained excitement and longing, actual stars dancing in her amber eyes.

He decided to shut up and get to work, leaving his boss to rave about pipelines and leveraging. That was train one out of… he didn't want to think about it. Nor about the unavoidable team-building exercise Jeanne wanted them to perform at the end of the week.

Eventually, they got to clean up that train. It was in Paris' dubious honor to activate the patented Warp Corporation singularity, which would begin restoring their passengers into a completely pristine state, turning back the clock for 20 whole thousand years, erasing all these years and leading them exactly to the state they were in when they boarded.

They made their exit through the first-class entrance, and as soon as they did, the identifiers stopped pinging from the inside of the train in subspace, leading it to finalize its travel.

Paris pulled up one of the screens of the Dock. It had live footage of their passengers, hearty and hale, completely unaware of what had transpired. A good few of them had been children, excitedly following their parents out of the stomach of the metal worm.

He didn't want to think about that. He lowered his cap on his head and followed his team, walking toward their next work objective. It was announced to be Unobstructed for now. It could easily change.

"Ten seconds to anywhere," Paris recited their slogan, looking a bit bitterly at the Wcorp logo.

He had fought with all his might to land this job. He didn't know if he would have, had he known.

---

I tried to bridge the gap to see if that could fit in the Project Moon universe.

At first, I only wanted to examine the thoughts of a relatively normal guy needing to do this job. I ended up with a team of violent corporate idiots.
I love them all. Dunno if there's going to be more parts of it.
I just like imagining that the climax of this story would be a Derailed train. See what kind of chaos that would need.

 

[Sakku]

Apparently, there was some kind of deep misunderstanding.

The… girl in front of me was deeply confused, and I was asking myself if that was one of those prank shows. It seemed like the perfect set-up. Imagine, if you will, I get a vacation to Japan in winter and decide, like the boss that I am, to do some mountaineering. Nothing better, after all, than watching the world from up high, especially in a country that was so famous for its mountains. Of course I planned to go and do some weebery, but that would come after relieving the country of some of its rocks.

Well… it went perfectly well, and I even had a great photo to show the class when I'd come back. I dodged some terrifying rock slide on the way, but it just helped to make me even more motivated. I was in a great mood, so I decided to try another Japanese cultural institution: The onsen. I liked the hamams and the saunas. I needed to know how enjoyable bathing in hot spring water would be. I approached the water, ready to get in and then…

"Ma'am?" I heard someone ask. Of fucking course, even here of all places I had to be taken for a- I remembered that I fell. Only to open my eyes in a dark void.
Lights on.

And there we went, with the confused girl in blue and me. As naked as the day I was born, quickly trying to hide something, anything, to keep a minimum of modesty intact.

"I really need to get a raise if I need to send so many weirdos per century…" she muttered.

"… Where am I?" I asked, voice… surprisingly clear

And there, like a light bulb suddenly lit up inside her head. Her closed fist fell on her open palm, gently.

"Oh yeah! You're new!" She cleared her throat. "So... Welcome to the afterlife, mortal! My name is Aqua, and I'm the Goddess in charge of Earth!" She said, colors

Talk about a clash of theology. My heart sank a bit.

"There are three choices for you! You could go to heaven because you've been pretty good, we could reincarnate you into a rich and loving family that would allow you to completely ignore the part where you need to climb the social ladder at all that… Or you could go as you are, to a world of adven-"

"Heaven, please," I said with little hesitation.

"Wait, but you didn't let me finish!"

"I'd like to go to Heaven, please," I repeated. If we were going to have to… live in a polytheist reality (fucking ew), I was going to take something that would be beneficial to me. The rich life was interesting, but nothing said that I wouldn't waste my life there, if the family really was that rich and doting. And… come on, we've all read isekais, we knew where it ended. In horrible harems with girls all too young for my taste that would fall all too easily and dress with very little modesty.

If I was particularly unlucky, I would end up as some kind of monster, to be hunted down by polite civilization and forced to become a bad guy. Or worse, I could be stuck with a society of people I despise. Couldn't be me.

"Wait! You're not Japanese, right?" she asked. And yeah, my naked form wasn't exactly the prototypical Japanese man, but I liked to imagine myself as some sort of cosmopolitan man down to the genome.

"No, I'm not Japanese," I answered the heretical deity.

"Well! Well, it's easy, heaven as you know it is not the reality! There's a ton of scantily clad girls and you have no body at all! All you can do is bask in the light and look! Do you really want that?!"

Oh… was that panic I felt? I felt the familiar rush, one that told me to rage against the heavens. And now, I wasn't against a united heaven, but a single easily flustered goddess.

"Ok, let's admit that heaven is the wrong choice. What prevents me from just wanting to reincarnate then?"

"Well… I mean, you never know! Besides, wasn't Earth really boring?"

"Heh, there's worse than having a happy, fulfilled life, don't you think? And because you seem very focused on girls, if I really want to get it on, I'm sure I'll have a lot of choice. And if I'm intelligent as well, it's going to be even better. Wouldn't that be more fulfilling than a life of adventure ?"

"What the heck, aren't you supposed to be a nerd?!"

"I'm an adult nerd, nerd. With a job, dead dreams, and responsibilities. Also the capacity to think about something else but my dick. Waaaait…"

I approached her, glaring at her.

"You're using teenage males. You're used to them, you pervy goddess, you're desperate to send them. Where are you sending Earth's souls ?"

"Well, if you'd let me finish!" She pushed me away and got back on her throne. "I propose you a world! A world threatened by a Demon lord! The classic adventure with companion AND-"

"-Oh no…"

"-A cheat skill or object as well!…" She continued, which I quickly ignored. I also lowered my gaze. She was really enthusiastic about this part of her rehearsed speech, and she put one of her legs on her throne. She wasn't wearing anything down there.

Anyway, I knew it. She was trying to sell me the classic isekai slop. Which, you know what? It was almost tempting to have in real life. Almost. I liked my life a bit too much to care about it. But apparently, I was dead, so there wasn't a lot of life to enjoy anymore. Shit. That meant I wouldn't be able to give Mom that souvenir I bought in Kyoto… Or see her at all. Or my dogs… I was less sad about that. Dogs were fun, but I disliked the slobber and the responsibility. A lot. Fuck. Ok, I was the belly of the beast, it was time to concentrate and rage against the heavens, not be depressed.

Ok. This Aqua was very much some sort of metaphysical bureaucrat that used teenagers because they were easy to manipulate, and focused on tropes they were familiar with to send them to do her bidding and kill that Demon Lord. I didn't like to imagine fifteen to seventeen-year-olds having to endure the possibility of war. Or worse. Shit… I didn't like what they'd do to the populace either. Teenagers with cheat skills would be terrifying. Or ridiculous.

"Aqua," I interrupted her again, stopping her shilling of what seemed to be her church.

"What?" she asked, cranky.

"I'll go to this world. Under two conditions."

"What do you mean conditions? I don't see you asking your god for conditions!"

"I could also speak to your manager. I really don't think you're doing your job right, and I'd like to be reassured. We're talking about the fate of nothing less than my immortal soul, after all," I said with my best customer service smile.

She smiled, a little shyer.

"There's really no need, you know."

"So you'll agree to my two tiny conditions. They're not that big, ridiculous even for a goddess," I said.

"I mean…"

"But I'm sure your manager would be more amenable to giving me those concessions after all… I mean, you're only the god of a planet."

"What's that supposed to mean ?" She seemed offended now, but also afraid.

"No, really, you only take Japanese kids, so are you only the god of a single country? I wouldn't want to ask anything of you that you couldn't do. I really wouldn't want to put you in a difficult position after all…"

"Bastard, I'm already in a difficult situation! You're asking too much!"

"And that's why I need to speak to your superior. Surely, my two little conditions wouldn't be a big deal for a high-ranking deity. I mean, I really only need five minutes, if that'll be alright."

She jumped from her position on the throne, flashed me, and ran to me to shake me.

"Shut up! Shut up please! Don't ask me to call them! Don't!!!"

Holy shit, she was strong, really strong. I was a reasonably fit grown man. She could ragdoll me.

"I don't want to be an intern again. You don't understand what it's like to clean up clouds for two thousand years, please! Please! Please!!! I need this! I haven't gotten my quota yet!"

"And how is that my business, you pervy goddess?! What's the matter with your world?! Given your pitch, all the otakus would take a cheat skill and go to that world to kill the demon king!"

"I… I kinda don't meet a lot of them. Hehe…" Her index fingers met.

"...What do you mean?"

"I mean.. I kinda have a quota. You know, usually you should be super selective about your heroes and all… but come on, any old otaku with half a heart and good tropes can do it! So… I kinda sla- I mean, wait until the moment is absolutely critical! As a Goddess of my stature should!"

"Yo," I said, colder now.

"Huh?" She blinked, confused by the change in tone. My glare turned into a look of absolute disgust.

"You. You owe me three things just for that."

"Hey, don't get any ideas. I don't care for the way you're talking to me, and I could have you go to Hell so-"

"Wanna do it that way? MANAGER!!! IS THERE A MANAGER HERE? I HAVE A QUES-"

Aqua stopped me, putting her hand over my mouth and effectively stopping me, because she was just that strong.

"Shut up! Shut up! You'll attract them!"

Who? I didn't care to know, I licked her palm. She retracted with a disgusted shriek, just in time for a literal column of light to appear, and in it, an angel. I shit you not, an actual angel, like pop culture shows them. Not of the brass-skinned individuals with a voice of thunder and wings of precious metal and fire, and the eyes of jewels. No… a woman with wings and a really skin-tight outfit.
"Aqua-sama, I hope I do not intrude, but I heard that one of our charges wanted to see the manager, could you spare some ti-…"

I turned to the goddess, livid. She WAS THE MANAGER?!

"Yes, that would be me!" I said, with cheer, and she got pale. "I would like to speak with the level above, please, it seems that there may be some problems of comprehension concerning my placement in the new world and Misses Aqua's quota."

"Oh. You were the human," the angel said, a bit absentmindedly, "how strange. We're deeply sorry but he doesn't exactly do young death nowadays. I'll leave you with your current host of Heaven, but do not hesitate if you have anything you want!"

"Two things! Please!" I said, feeling some vague form of panic while the blue goddess was snickering behind me. Yeah, laugh it up, all of my threats went up in smoke for nothing!

"Yes, human?"

"Is the one above her the one I actually pray to?" I asked, full of hope.

"Oh, you're one of those…" The angel said, and I felt one of my eyes twitch. "Well, if I would say so! But please understand that we do simplify a lot of things for the sake of the mortals, so please, do not be alarmed."
Do not be alarmed? What do you MEAN? How was I supposed to react to the idea that my devotion had been wasted on someone that couldn't even see me because 'it wasn't their department'? COME ON! I could feel the migraine that was threatening to come.

"Ok…" I began, massaging my temples. "Could I get a change of clothes, please? Not that the climate is inhospitable here, but I'd rather be clothed, please."

"Granted! Please, Aqua-sama, continue with this human's reincarnation process. Your quota is due soon," she said before disappearing.

In an aggressive pillar of light, clothes appeared right at my feet? The light was so intense that I needed to protect my eyes, and when I got to see again, I saw… purple, right on the ground. Ok. Yellow huh. I could pull off yellow. I gave myself a whole minute to get into the comfortable, dare I say divine medieval ensemble that seemed to have taken the form of what I could associate with lightweight fantasy traveling clothes and looked upon the goddess. She was no less proud than me.

"… I'd like two cheat things." I almost asked, a bit humbler.

"Nope! You heard her! You can't ask the big man upstairs for favors, so you're all mine! And I make the rules, and the rules say that I give you only one cheat item! Though, you know, you could just go without one too, that could work."
I rolled my eyes and adjusted my clothes a bit more.

"Listen, if that was so urgent, and because you need souls there, I'd prefer if you'd allow me two, just so I may end the death of young men doing their best against this Demon lor-"

"Ah, no, you misunderstand, they don't die… huh… the Demon Lord kinda keeps… reappearing, kind of a bug in the system, if you will soooo… yeah. Also, a lot of them just do side-quests, and then they don't really progress against the Demon Lord! We need more heroes!"

Obviously, the solution was to throw more hormonal young men at the problem and let it take care of itself… I face-palmed, let the soothing contact pain on my face do the rest to assure me that this wasn't just a coma dream. It was a bad coma dream my subconscious really wanted me to experience.

"Ok, just one. Give me the choices. Man… what will this fantasy world be like anyway?"

"Oh, kinda like an MMO!" I cringed. Hard. Of course she saw that. "No, I mean… kinda like Dungeons and Dragons! Old guys really like Dungeons and Dragons, right!" I cringed even harder. "Anyway, since you won't be happy, here's the program, just don't look too deep into it- it's all formalities."

My eyes couldn't avoid the part where his head might go p**f and I cringed some more. I chose to ignore it and went to the sheets. I quickly perused through them, meaning that I was going over them with so much zeal that it took two minutes for each sheet to be completely read and internalized before he sorted it into a pile between good and bad. Some were good, as in OP. Some were really bad because they were situational. Especially those that apparently demanded some sort of allegiance to the Axis cult. He guessed that it was this wet bint's religion. The very same moistened bint that decided that she had to loudly eat a bag of chips right on her throne, looking bored.

"Say, Aqua."

"Can you please call me Aqua-sama, or something of the sort?"

"No. So, Aqua, I have a question."

"Hmm, yes?"

"Why are all your items mostly aesthetic in function?"

"Because looks are half of what matters to a hero!"

"… Why are their bonus stats tied to some sort of reputation system with the Axis cult?"

"Oh, because you'd be crazy not to propagate the one true religion, right?"

Sure. Gods were apparently scam artists that craved worship. Let's go with that.

"Sure," I hissed between my teeth. "Sure, let's go with that. Say what, Aqua? I'm going to take Profound Magic and Super strength."

"You can't take two! You need to choose!"

I rolled my eyes. No one could blame me for basically becoming the local equivalent of a Bronze Age hero. Too bad magic could still give me super strength if I had enough leeway with it. Perhaps even super-durability.
"Give me the magic boost and let's be done with it. I have sorceries to do and Demon Lords to kill and Thrones of Heaven to topple."

"Just try! You'd be smitten on the spot!"

Oh Aqua. Beware my vengeance. It will be as bloody and vicious as the vengeance of Ashurbanipal upon the Land of Elam. You can be sure of that.

A magic circle opened under my feet, and I ascended slowly into the infinite firmament.

"Oh, brave hero, I pray that of the many prospective heroes, you will be the one to defeat the Demon King. If you do we shall grant you any wish you have as a gift from the gods," she said with the minimum level of enthusiasm a person was capable of giving, still chewing on her crisps.

I mean… a gift from the gods, huh… We'll see if they'll be so keen about that when I betray the world itself and punch my way up to get some true answers. After all, what was a Japanese J-RPG without the protagonist defeating the real true enemy?

The False God.

I cackled, feeling knowledge being forcefully poured into my skull, and with it, thousands of years of culture.

"Now please go forth on your journey… and leave me alone!" The Goddess finally finished, leaving me to cackle maniacally and go up and up without end until I reached the light.

 

[Sakku]

Arriving was a lot gentler than he had hoped. No circle promoting an eldritch summoning ritual, no church bells, no announcements as to where I was and where I'd need to go in order to kick this Demon King's ass (and replace him).

I kind of just opened my eyes in the shade of a tree, in the busy streets of a bustling medieval town. People were going up and down the paved road, children were playing, and there were colorful people with weapons who were talking among themselves. Adventurers. I really didn't find the glamour in that, but maybe there would be some sort of Eureka moment after I got my first quest.

It was… a perfect spring day, almost like a dream of spring. It felt like some sort of elevated part of reality. And it brought out my inner curious self.
I just had to look at the obvious Mediterranean settlement, with its white walls and its red tiled roof, it told me that they had pretty harsh summers and snowy winters, but that they also favored construction with stone and… were those modern bricks?

That rotten goddess likely sent hundreds of young men and women there. Once I went back to heaven, she would feel my ultimate wrath, the power found within the blood of man! But first I needed to do something else, and put the toppling of the throne of heaven on the side burner. My eyes shone. I didn't know this world was cultured in the ways of what a man really craved. Oh, you rotten goddess, you could have had me in your trap if you talked about it.

I didn't know they could be so round and so large besides while retaining this peculiar color. It was only because I was a real man that I managed to keep my cool, but I knew that my teenage self would have a lot less restraint. It was impossible. I approached it and hesitated. Perhaps it would be immoral in this world. Perhaps… just perhaps I should let all my morals get loose all because of a single and formative encounter with the divine.
But… Oh, I couldn't, I needed it!

Grunting slowly as I got down, I hesitated at first. She didn't know I was there… then threw all caution to the wind. I grabbed that pussycat and petted it with all my might. She startled a bit, but she liked that. No claws. I expected to have been gutted, she must have been a very touchy-feely cat, all the better. The little cat mewed so cutely… It was the size of a big dog, but it was an actual kitten, with the voice of a little kittycat! I couldn't contain myself! Who would? I scritched her neck with the fury of my future conquests, played the bongo on her back, and got lost in the fluff. She was purring like a well-oiled car, just as noisy and with more vibrations. A dream come true.

Who cared about the people who might look and judge? I was hugging such a serenity-inducing creature that it didn't matter. Besides, I was in yellow. All people who liked yellow were crazy.

"… Are you bothering Jemma?" asked a feminine voice to my right, right where the kitten was looking.

I looked up from the giant kitty and soured immediately. A person. Great. Red wild hair? Leaf-green eyes, green robes, and a staff made of living wood. Yeah, she was some sort of druid class. But more importantly, the kitty is named Jemma! Absolute cutie!

"Oh, so that's your name?" I baby-babbled to the kitty, who mewed as an answer and leaned into my scritches. No feline could resist my dexterous fingers and the maestro that was my humongous brain. I was made to make them bask in pleasure! Was I forgetting something…

"Hey, don't ignore me! Get out of her space!"

"Nice to meet you too," I said, finally giving the cat some much unneeded time to breathe. "Name's not important, and I like your pussycat," I said to the admittedly pretty girl. She didn't seem to be receiving my introduction very warmly, was that because of my thick accent? I knew the language, thankfully without my head going p**f, but damn were tonal languages a pain.

Jemma pushed past me to nuzzle her owner's hips, and I got back up properly. I didn't smile, but I didn't want to sound too impolite, despite my displeasure. Mom didn't raise someone impolite, and with heroism came nobility and higher standards.

"Name's Briar. And you already met Jemma. Sorry for sounding a bit harsh, but she gets easily attached. I let her nuzzle against the guild receptionist one time, and she spent a whole week burglarizing her place to come in her bed. It was in summer, so you can guess how much a living radiator with feelings isn't too appreciated."

I snorted. Cats did have their own brand of loyalty, one I was perfectly comfortable with.

"Do they always grow to this size?"

"Oh no, she's a kitty right now. She's going to be as big as a workhorse one day!" she declared, scratching the very satisfied cat under the chin. I guessed the bright orange animal would be ferocious as an adult, but for the moment, she's nothing but a tiny little kitten, the size of a big dog, but still a kitten.

"The guild? I'm sorry, I was kind of… kidnapped and thrown in this country. I'm very clueless about where I am or… things."

"You were kidnapped?"

"...Yup!" I said, less sure about my lie. And deciding to double down. A lie eventually dies when you double down and make it a truth, right?

"Oh my, that's serious!" Yes, that's me… "Who did this? Do you need help? Maybe a description could be helpful!"

Ah yes… someone who wasn't apathetic. That… sheesh. Yeah. Not great. Her face seemed so sincere too.

"...Forces from the demon king, they said it would be a good place to take me… I was a scholar, you see!"

"Oh! What did you study?"

WHY DO I KEEP DIGGING MYSELF DEEPER?

"Nature. They thought that my knowledge of how terrain happened could have some strategic value before they fed me to the monsters."

"Oh! I see! Tell me, tell me! I'm a sage, so nature's my whole deal, you see! That makes us some colleagues then, right?"

HOLY SHIT, YOU COULDN'T STOP! WHY! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE THOSE KINDS OF ANSWERS! STOP WITH THE LIES! YOU HATE LYING EXACTLY BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT IT! STOP BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING ELSE YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK!

"I was… retired. I was mostly giving back to the community at the time, and traveling," I said. "But I'm sure there are things we can discuss. I liked diseases and parasites. And explaining things, and teaching the young ones." I asked. "It's a shame I won't be able to do it again."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I can't do that again because of the Demon King," I said, letting me feel a bit of the weight that I was trying not to acknowledge.

"Oh," she answered. A bit saddened. I didn't know what she was thinking. Perhaps something sad. "Well, if that's the case… what are you planning to do?"

"First, I'd like to become an adventurer… and I guess you are one?"

"Yep! In the flesh! Guess that you're extra motivated to kick the Demon King's butt! But you'll have to wait because I'll be the one to do it! Besides, an old man like you, I'd like to see you try and confront a demon, let alone a frog!"

"Oh, I have an expert with me then?"

"The foremost sage in the city of Axel, rather, and soon to continue on my way to become the best shaman in the world."

"With the help of-"

"With the help of Jemma, of course!" She said, nuzzling the cat. I was jealous. How fickle the heart of felines is to distribute their addictive affections in a way that always made you yearn for more.

"So Briar, could the foremost sage in the city of Axel tell me how one becomes an adventurer?"

"Easy! You follow me, and everything will be clear!"

… Why not. I didn't have anything better to do, in truth. In fact, the sooner I'd familiarize myself with all this adventuring nonsense, the sooner I'd be done.

"I'm guessing you have a team?" I asked as I began to follow her, continuing to familiarize myself with the strange hodgepodge of influences, mixing together in harmonious ways. It looked European, in the way someone unfamiliar with Europe would make it. In truth, that made it all the more foreign to my eyes.

"Yep," she answered easily, Jemma following at her side. "One of the best in Axel. I'd say that we're soon good enough to get to the next stop towards the front lines."

"I see. How far is that?"

"Damn, when you said you didn't know where you were, you didn't lie. Huh."

"Nope," I shrugged, thankful that my ignorance was consolidating the monument of lies I had already built to bury myself with. "I mean, I know the city's named Axel, thanks to you. Doesn't tell me much about the general disposition of things in this country."

"Well, to answer your question, we're about as far as one can get from the Demon King's castle and not hop in another kingdom. Axel's named the town of beginner adventurers for a reason, after all. Less monsters, less dangerous."

"Less reward too, I'd wager."

"You said it, not me. Let's say that the place is so thoroughly cleaned that you'd need to wait weeks if you want to find a fetch quest. You know, the low-level stuff," she said like I would understand. And in a way I did. I wasn't familiar with MMOs, but that made me think of MMOs. "So… all that remains are kill quests from monsters a bit too tough for the newbies to get to, but too lame for the actually powerful adventurers to bother with. Like giant frogs and the like. Good luck, I guess?"

"Thanks," I said, not really discouraged. I wasn't going to assume that killing a demon king would be easy. Furthermore, I was no stranger to starting on unfamiliar grounds and having to keep up with people more experienced than me. It didn't fill me with enthusiasm, but I could work with that. It was going to be perilous, but I had my advantage: My potent mana, what was apparently a cheat ability etched into my soul.

When I read the description, it told me that it increased my total Mana by an order of magnitude, my mana regeneration, and the potency of my spells. By how much, it didn't quite say. I didn't know how to do magic either, but I assumed that if the option had been given to me, that meant that it mattered in some ways.

Though thinking about it, that could be a nothing-burger ability without the proper education, and I screwed myself… let's hope that I would actually be like in a video game and instantly learn.

We continued walking in companionable silence, Jemma between us, reclaiming as much attention as she was able to get from her owner while I sneaked some scratches to the content cat. I hoped they were all this enormous size in this world.

The guild's hall was impressive on the outside. It was in the most populous place in the city, the marketplace, at its very end, in fact, a place of honor. Steep red tiled roof, an impressive building of limestone and wood, a rose window, and a massive blue and golden coat of arms. So… possibly not a Republic. Good. It was possible that I didn't have to endure Venetian levels of intrigue… maybe.

It could have been the guild's, or the government's. Nothing to stir me in one direction or another. Briar elbowed me to join when she continued to walk to the entrance, and entered into… a very noisy hall. It was a restaurant or some sort of tavern seemingly made entirely of hardwood. Very spacious, with a granite statue at the center and a lot of tables in which people of all colors and weapons were raucously enjoying their time, drinking, eating, chatting among themselves. And… a bit tucked in, in a corner, was the reception and a board where I could spy contracts, pinned and available to take. Opened to all adventurers, it read.

"Well, here we are. I see that you're already looking at the guild receptionist. Yeah, a lot of people have a crush on her."

"Hm. I'll wait to meet her before I make an assessment. But it's a genuinely impressive hall."

"And you've seen nothing yet, mister scholar. The Capital's apparently big enough to contain this building twice over." She exaggerated, I snorted and shook my head.

"I'll believe it when I see it. Anyway, you have your group here?"

"Yeah, I was going to meet them today, you know, getting to talk and get adventuring," she answered.

"Hmm… hey, how does one become an adventurer?"

"Oh, you go to the receptionist over there, you pay the registration fees, and she makes your card. Pretty easy, right?"

I blanked. There was a fee to join the "I might die in a cruel and unusual way" club?

"How much?" I asked in a near panic. I could feel the itching in my back, the beginning of cold sweats.

"About a thousand eris," she said, a bit confused.

"Salutations, Briar!" A booming, echoing voice came from the dining hall part of the guild, followed by a rhythmic metallic clanking. I did not know why, but I was associating an Austrian accent with this very tall knight in armor and his surprisingly long sword, very thin by the local standard… more standard to me. "I am glad to see you friends, and to meet new ones!" He added, turning towards me.

His helm allowed no light to escape. Which was almost intimidating, if he didn't make me think of some sort of teapot.

"Nottem, Schneider. Nottem." Briar introduced. "I found this guy in yellow petting Jemma."

"And he didn't get gutted?"

"Nope. Which is something else, really. Just one bad movement from the little one and I'd be paying a whole lot at the resurrection temple!"
"Frankly, you should be paying more attention to her! Poor little kitten must have been terrified!" He roughly petted the eager kitty. And I was left to calculate if that was some form of hazing, or if I'd risked my life by petting the giant cat.
Yes, surely, but I didn't quite care about it now. I refused to process it until later.

"So, Nottem, what brings you to this place of adventuring?" the armor said, looking towards me.

"I got-"

"He got kidnapped and apparently also robbed by creatures of the demon king, like, can you imagine that?" Briar cut me off, I hope without knowing what she was doing, because it was starting to piss me off.

"I want to be an adventurer," he answered a bit more flatly, giving her a stink eye she either didn't see or chose to ignore.

"Ark! Fantastic! We need more old souls in this line of work! Youthful exuberance is healthy indeed, companion, but I dare say that sometimes the calmer heads of age and the experience of years does provide for a more potent mix!" Schneider said, patting me on the shoulder with his weighty hands covered in leather and metal. He was calling me old. I'd take that as a compliment. He did frame it like a compliment. I didn't know if it was a genuine one, or some sort of passive-aggressiveness. "Anyway, friend, I'm willing to sponsor you! Only for one simple condition."

"Which is?" I mentally prepared myself to refuse.

"Well, we are engaging Keele's dungeon. Nothing too grand, of course, but we'll try to map out the seventh floor today and are often in need of getting rid of some loot, and do some controversial triage as to what we can bring back to the surface… when we manage to find something. Because, well… there's the mob loot friend. You'll be there to take and lift the mob loot for us. Do that, and no debt shall encumber you! Neither for your registration, nor for the two meals we'll share today."

"Plus you'll get to see some pro adventurers in action," Briar added, a bit more low-key.

"So, what do you say, Nottem?"

"I say that for today, and whatever my job is, Mister Portant will be Mister Porter," I said a bit lamely. Because it was the best-case scenario, really, but man, did it feel bad somehow. At least this knight had the generosity to make me a pack mule for a day, so that some sort of fair exchange happened.

I… I really couldn't say no to such a golden occasion. Besides, if I could skim some experience from all of it, that would make for a pretty good first day of adventuring. Trying to find some good enthusiasm back, I nodded with a smile.

I was rewarded with a slap to the back powerful enough to make me feel funny inside my lungs and lose some air. Oh, I hated that.
Schneider was laughing raucously, "That's the spirit, Nottem, now let's see what you're made of!"

I got almost dragged by the knight and the sage towards the receptionist's desk. The receptionist, a young woman with eyes and hair that took on the shades of honey and a moonlit skin, smiled at us. I had to shake myself mentally; wow. That had been such a beautiful smile.

"One adventurer registration for my friend here!" Schneider said with enthusiasm, placing a pile of copper coins on the counter.

"Of course, just a moment," she said good-naturedly, counting the coins, then pulling out a spherical device of blue crystal on which a bronze needle had been attached. The device was on a wooden stand, ornate with bronze, and right below it, a card. "Sir, could you please put your hand on the adventuring card activator? This will help us see your statistics and allow us to choose your class and begin your administrative registration. Now please place your hand on it."

I did as I was asked, frankly fascinated by the ways this device worked. As soon as I placed my hand on it, it began to glow a bright blue. The light traveled and condensed in the pen part before flowing into the card. The pen itself was animated, twisting and turning to write my information on this card that would make me an adventurer.

The receptionist herself got out of her booth, came out of a discreet door on the side, likely employees only, and when the process seemed to be over, took over the card to look at it. Her eyes widened, which made the others react. I saw the others behind beginning to pay attention to the newbie.

"So… Mister Portant Nottem." Wait, that wasn't my name. "You may have a slightly below-average strength score and have unremarkable luck, but your intelligence is very high, and your magical power is also through the roof! Most martial classes would be a bad fit, but otherwise, everything seems to be open to you! Including the archwizard and archpriest classes! Congratulations, Nottem!"

A booming wave of cheers and congratulations exploded in the guild hall.

"Congrats Newbie!"

"Maybe you'll be the one to beat the Demon Lord!"

"Holy shit, an advanced job at level one? I haven't seen that since that Mitsurugi guy!"

A burly guy in a Mowhawk gave me a thumbs up. I just felt like this was completely out of place and wanted to be very small.

"I had him first!" Briar shouted to cover the crowd's praise and well wishes. "He's in our party!"

"Since when?" I asked, beginning to feel a weight sinking in.

"Since you agreed to do at least one mission with us! You're contractually obligated to get to Keele's dungeon with us!"

"Yeah, to carry your loot."

"That was before," the knight said. "This is now. And we've lacked a caster since Nyx got that peanut accident."

"The peanut accident...?" I asked, genuinely trying to make sense of this sentence

"Yeah. I'll explain on the way." Briar said to me, "Now, we get to see you chose your job!"

"… I could choose thief."

"We already have a thief," Briar almost cut me off. Don't try to boss me around, woman. This is my choice!

"Kid, if what Luna said was right, you better be a caster. Don't waste your youth and make life uselessly hard for yourself," the Mohawk guy said, cutting every whisper. Was he someone important or something?

"Besides. We already have a thief, a sage, and a knight. We just lack a bit of oomph!"

Why was everyone the boss of me?! I had the right to be something other than what I chose my cheat to apply to! Ever heard of covering your bases or efficient leveling in Oblivion and Morrowind?

I looked at my card, a little sour, then at the uncomfortable receptionist.

"I'll take arch-wizard," I said, almost feeling defeat. Cheers erupted. The card was finished.

Luna handed it to me with a polite incline, and I just took it, finding myself almost wishing to have a normal class.

Briar and Schneider crept in to look at my stats, and yeah, I could see how much the intel stat dwarfed my strength by far, and how average the rest was. Main hypothesis was that it came in with the language uploading and the artificial inflation of my Mana. And yeah, it was a number that had nothing to do with a level one character. SHIT, was I in some sort of lame LitRPG?! Noooo… Better to think of it like it's Morrowind to preserve what remains of my poor sanity.

Strength, Vitality, Intelligence, Magical power, Dexterity, Agility and Luck. The apparently objective measure of a person was written down, and dear old Nottem was now the guy that had to see it. Yeah, Strength and Agility could certainly use a lot of work…

"To see that much mana in a single person… are you half crimson demon or something?"

"Half what?"

"No. Can't be. His name is strange but not as strange as a Crimson demon."

Yeah, because I was stuck with a name that wasn't one! Could these people be any more literal-minded?

"So… that makes me a wizard now?" I asked, eyeing Jemma, trying to telepathically ask the giant cat for comfort.

"Eeyup! Our wizard!" Briar said with a sickening amount of greed.

"… How do I cast spells?"

"Ok, see your card? You have skills on it. Just increase one, and it'll teach you how to do it automatically! I mean… you could do it the boring way, but people usually only do that when they're trying to invent stuff," the sage said with the knowing nod of the dunderhead.

I looked at the back of the card and squinted, seeing that there were a number of skill points available to me and skill trees as well. It was a very tactile thing, an extremely practical bit of magic. Ok… letting go of my misconceptions concerning the way one would learn in this world, I decided to put my points into unlocking Basic magic and Intermediate magic.
In unlocking these… magic skill trees, I was granted one free spell from each, which was fairly generous, but I guessed that it was just the cost of the spells themselves that was coupled with some sort of UI trick that allowed me to get my dopamine going. It worked.

Create Water seemed to be a good first basic magic to have. It was a sensible spell in any adventurer's arsenal when one was never sure where to find clean water next. Because, of course, the Intermediate magic I chose was the mighty Fireball. And wasn't that fun? No room will be too small to contain my might! A first step towards my raging against the heathens!

I turned to Luna with a measure of excitement. "Is there an area where I can test my spells?"

"Sure, there is a paved area in the back normally reserved for training with weapons," she replied. "I do not see harm in testing some Basic or Intermediate Magic on our training dummies. Please do it to your heart's content."

"Oh, this is going to be fun!"

People lost some excitement there. Besides those I could guess to be actual wizards, only my temporary party followed me, minus the thief who wasn't there yet.

"He'll come at lunch, like he always does," Schneider told me. Fair enough. If that thief was also some sort of cat burglar, the night must be his main time of operation.

Once in this somewhat cute courtyard of paved stones from which I could see moss and some grass sprout, I was feeling a mix of giddiness and apprehension.

I took position, and my brain got access to the uploaded knowledge easily, with artificial and frankly frightening clarity. I now kung-fu… Seemed less ridiculous a statement.

I shaped the Mana I could feel within myself, trying to escape with all of its might, and I ordered it to become fire. To burn the world and to defy heaven.

Arcane circles of light drew themselves in front of my hand, and I was feeling the heat, the light. The will to destroy was necessary to describe and force into existence what I would throw at my enemies.

"FIREBALL!!!" I shouted, feeling it letting loose.

"Hmm, isn't his fireball a bit big for a first ti- GET DOWN!" I heard one of the wizards say.

I mean, it was maybe somewhat impressive but nothing too-

Everything hurt. I felt fierce winds on my body. I was… flying, or falling, or something. I couldn't hear anything but a persistent ringing in my ears.
And then, I met a roof, lights off.