SHINOBI: The RPG - Act 2 (Naruto/Fallout SI)

So, with that in mind, how are you going to write him now? I assume he's still going to have the same flaws as before, but if that part of you is dead, I feel like you might struggle to put yourself into his mindset.

 

Rewrite has been Watched with OP notifications, and I will still use this as the benchmark of a good Gamer Fic.

Thank you for being why I got back into writing at all, and may your muse be forever your ally.

 

In a way this is the most beautiful ending possible.

 

I disagree that Daisuke was a bad person. He was someone with a disability who was never intentionally vicious or cruel. Despite having incredible power, he didn't use it to abuse anyone. He lives in a world of monsters and was a better person than most of the people in his village.

He can't really control if people get hurt by his callousness. Life is pain and you'll constantly injure other people regardless of what you do. I never got why people kept getting upset at someone that can't learn why people are mad and is incapable of learning. It's like berating a one-handed man for not being able to knit properly.

Primarily, it made me hate his friends. I still think his teammates are both completely worthless and he shouldn't care about them. They served very little purpose in the story besides causing the main character pain.

I think if you had wanted him to come off as being a jerk, it would be better if he did it intentionally. Like he was incapable of seeing others as anything but NPCs and he treated people poorly unless they had quests for him or he needed them for something. Once he knew he could gain EXP from creating jutsu and killing people, he technically didn't need the Leaf village anymore. Or anyone, really. And what does his little group of friends really matter if they won't give him what he wants? He could have easily found other people elsewhere who would drool over him for the money or power he could offer them.

There weren't really any elements of objectification or negative intent in him.

But the general premise of the story was somewhat flawed because people will tolerate assholes if they're useful or powerful.

Michael Winters from Pyroclasm is a better version of Daisuke though. He's my favorite protagonist of any stories you've written. You nailed the isolated loner thing there.

I was also invested in Daisuke eventually gaining emotions and didn't really care that he got a new personality. His original personality was just his disability. It wasn't a big deal in my books.


My main consideration with any Gamer story is that you need to add more obstacles on his path to prevent him from easily acquiring power and power leveling past all of his enemies. Especially if he can do stuff like giving himself elemental kekkei genkai. You quickly reach the point where none of the canon enemies could challenge him, which is probably why you included the Gods.

It's a point I didn't like much, Jashin or the other guy being around. Daisuke had no reason to stick around in a world where he knew there was an evil god who intended to screw over all of his progress in trying to make the world a better place. Why not just take all the people and go somewhere else that Jashin can't follow? What other option does he have besides killing Jashin, something he was incapable of doing?

I couldn't see how he expected to win this without waging war against Jashin indirectly for thousands of years. What's the point of any of this? Who cares about the Naruto universe? He claims that it's his new world now, but was it really? At the time his close friends could be counted on one hand and his village hated him. I never got his logic.

Either way, you had a very worth reading story. It was better than most other gamer fics. I'll read the rewrite.

 

Yuh-fucking-YEEEEEEEEET!

I'm really excited by this new rewrite, most stories that I follow that is being rewritten is dead, so this is very ducking welcome as I need some entertainment in this quarantine.

 

Aight, so I'm in a pickle now. I'm reading act 1 on fine and I just finished chapter 44, so far everything was great, But now I see your AN, where you actively discourage us to read more. and while I'm super-impatient for the rewrite, I just want to know what others think, so I don't needlessly spoil stuff for myself. Should I red the remaining chapters till chapter 70? and do I need to read the rest so I can understand ACT 2 (i.e. this thread).

thanks to anyone who helps me out, I guess?

 

I think if nothing else, it is certainly a deeply enjoyable read. Go into it with your eyes open, and be ready for things to get weird, and have fun.

 

yeah, I couldn't help but be curious, and while I did enjoy it, I could see what Fulcon meant by it being rushed, since many segues were random, and the skipping took away from a lot of the fic. the tone for the rest of the story changed significantly, it basically just changed to angst after he he hit level 30.
Still, it was, as you mentioned, a deeply enjoyable read, and was definitely fun, and if I've been able to get into fandoms like Harry Potter, despite a plethora of bad writing, skipping over a few segues is still much better than most. honestly though, the latter parts started getting too whimsical, but to be frank, I didn't actually disagree with anything Daisuke did. all of his actions seemed perfectly reasonable, up until the end of ACT 1. haven't read this thread yet, I'm planning on doing so now.
One thing I did like about Fulcon's writing style, though, is that his conversations seem natural, instead of forced, which is a part where most people get stuck on, and he still manages to show how exactly being antisocial could affect conversations, without making it seem random. I hope the rewrite takes it's time and comes out even better than the first

 

For what has been written so far, it most certainly has come out so.

 

huh well best to you happy life

 

Given how 'at peace' I feel after having written this, I'd say things will be better now. Thank you.

Have a cookie.

 

Eh, this is qq.

Look, we love those characters. Really we do and the fact that they are underage... we mostly ignore that bit. Don't feel bad about the underage harem bit, don't try to justify it. If you justify yourself you're telling the trolls that you did something wrong and that's like bleeding into a shark tank.

You haven't hurt any children and Daisuke doesn't need to be wholly moral.

Daisuke might have been an SI, I.E. older than them, but from his characterization he reads just as mature as them. He's not a creepy old man.

On the patreon bit: As long as you tell people that there will be no advance chapters and maybe refund the money when you skip too many updates or slow down in your writing you're in the yellow.

 

Why I only write every few months at best. Happy that you’ve found a bit of tranquility mate.

 

I appreciate your advice. Thank you, I will consider what you have said.

Have a cookie.

Thank you, have a cookie.

 

Why does everyone everywhere want to sabotage my diet? WHY?

 

Put it in the fridge/stasis chamber/whatever and save it for a cheat day! I promise it'll keep.

 

I'm glad you're in a better mental space in regards to the fic's postmortem. Hindsight's kicking in hard tbh- I'd like to offer a rather belated apology for any part I had in the negative feelings.

 

Thank you. I don't recall you being a part of that, but your apology is accepted and appreciated in any case.

 

Technically speaking, most Buddhism is atheistic. Not including the blends like Hindu Buddhism. Buddha is just the name of those who have achieved enlightenment, though the person we usually think of when we say Buddha is someone who attained that enlightened and also went about teaching of that journey and how one might also achieve it themselves.

But yeah, glad you feel like your in a better headspace and that this confession might have eased any shadows following you from it.

 

You did some good writing. I had my enjoyment with it even if I kind of stopped reading when the pace slowed down and the story seemed to focus less on Naruto(the manga/anime not the character).

I'd like to see you take another crack at writing, it isn't like even more famous people on here like Dark Wolf Shiro hasn't run into mistakes and felt the need to hit the big red reset button. If you don't want to take another crack at this story, it would make a good learning experience for any future stories.

At the end of the day, writing a story isn't easy. Writing in general is but I doubt anyone wants to see my poor attempts at smutty fanfiction. You caught my interest towards the start with a good concept, OP Gamer Ninja in Naruto, even gave your character some character flaws to humanise them. But pacing issues and regrettable story beats lead to reaching here, you acknowledged this so I don't see a reason you can't improve from this.

If you make another story or reset this one, I'll be there to read it at least. If not, I wish you luck with whatever you chose to do.

 

I appreciate the clarification. Always good to learn new things.

Me too. Thanks for the kind words!

I mean, yeah. It's supposed to be a Naruto fanfic. Shouldn't the focus be on Naruto?

Maybe one day. I managed to recover the entire first draft of this story, plus half of the re-write so it's not out of the question.

Right now, I'm trying to learn how to draw. It's been a long time since a new discipline has excited me like art has. Maybe it'll turn into something, who knows?

 

Huh, been awhile and with how everything was effecting you before I thought you wouldn't be back. It's good that you're feeling better and this whole thing has helped you.

I hope you start writing something you enjoy cause I did enjoy what you wrote and it goes better than before.

 

I did need some time away, most of which was spent trying to swallow my pride and learn some stuff.

I hope I can write something new eventually. But I'm going to take my time, in any case.

 

Hello Brother, good to see you're doing well!

I credit your absence with why I commissioned someone to write my own Gamer SI in Naruto, and why I am writing it's sequel atm.

You remain an inspiration. Be well, and Go with His Grace.

 

Thank you very, very much. Your words are a great kindness.

Have a cookie.

 

Diabetic, enjoy it as my thanks for the inspiration you granted.

 

Hope you feel better. Maybe you could just write a op powereank story in a setting so bad that you forcibly changing the world to your point of view would be seen as a good in in and out of the story?

Advice of the day: Go see your local old penguin sage if it lasts for more than 4 hours

 

Well, that sucks, friend. I will enjoy this cookie on your behalf.

...Like Warhammer 40k?

The thought has occurred to me.

Have a cookie.

 

The harem part wasn't actually that bad, although it is kinda weird how Anko is insistent on it and doesn't understand why he wouldn't want it, whereas the others are firmly against it. More of an issue is just how much he's stuck on his old world, and how it would definitely be better to copypaste that system into this world. And he even gets things continuously thrown in his face about how horrible his plan is, and he kinda sidesteps a bit but it honestly made me less interested in him succeeding.