1. Due to issues with external spam filters, QQ is currently unable to send any mail to Microsoft E-mail addresses. This includes any account at live.com, hotmail.com or msn.com. Signing up to the forum with one of these addresses will result in your verification E-mail never arriving. For best results, please use a different E-mail provider for your QQ address.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. For prospective new members, a word of warning: don't use common names like Dennis, Simon, or Kenny if you decide to create an account. Spammers have used them all before you and gotten those names flagged in the anti-spam databases. Your account registration will be rejected because of it.
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Since it has happened MULTIPLE times now, I want to be very clear about this. You do not get to abandon an account and create a new one. You do not get to pass an account to someone else and create a new one. If you do so anyway, you will be banned for creating sockpuppets.
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If you wish to change your username, please ask via conversation to tehelgee instead of asking via my profile. I'd like to not clutter it up with such requests.
    Dismiss Notice
  5. Due to the actions of particularly persistent spammers and trolls, we will be banning disposable email addresses from today onward.
    Dismiss Notice
  6. A note about the current Ukraine situation: Discussion of it is still prohibited as per Rule 8
    Dismiss Notice
  7. The rules regarding NSFW links have been updated. See here for details.
    Dismiss Notice
  8. The testbed for the QQ XF2 transition is now publicly available. Please see more information here.
    Dismiss Notice

SHINOBI: The RPG - New Game

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Fulcon, Jun 17, 2020.

Loading...
  1. theaceoffire

    theaceoffire Versed in the lewd.

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2017
    Messages:
    1,107
    Likes Received:
    12,593
    This is just suspicious as hell! Thank goodness Naruto's been raised in a village of ninjas, spent years taught by their official schools on methods of data exfiltration and on investigation and so forth.


    Aha! His suspicions have been arised! You better watch out young man, Naruto has a history of being sneaky when he needs to be, they will set up complex tricks and pranks that can easily fool even the most powerful ninjas in his own town where they're most powerful!

    I'm not really sure what he's going to do, it's not really in his character to lie about the situation or be sneaky so I doubt he would play possum to learn more about the plans of this person or try to understand their motivation, but I bet he's going to be really careful to pay attention to what's going on!


    .... What!?

    You know the leader of my village who I love as a grandfather said that you were consorting with people that want to destroy the place that I claim to love and want to lead as a future hokage! Just in case you have any plans to assassinate me and flee and escape from all the various spies and stuff, I want to make sure you know as soon as possible so there's a little chance other people I care for will be injured in the process!

    Seriously Naruto you are literally the worst ninja ever. I don't think it's physically possible to be less sneaky and underhanded, and it really strengthens my suspicion that the word ninja in this universe just straight up means mercenary... Because if we use Naruto as the standard, stealth wouldn't even be included in the mention of the career.
     
  2. Rebu

    Rebu hey, little Anna, you're the one

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2017
    Messages:
    182
    Likes Received:
    1,268
    Last edited: May 18, 2021
  3. Hadrian810

    Hadrian810 I trust you know where the happy button is?

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2019
    Messages:
    598
    Likes Received:
    5,855
    This rewrite feels more human and less min/max. The characters just seem more relatable.
     
    Hanada and Fulcon like this.
  4. alec_potter

    alec_potter Versed in the lewd.

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2017
    Messages:
    1,333
    Likes Received:
    6,071
    Nice update though the Satoshi is becoming more interesting.
    Sweet scene of Anko.
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  5. Fulcon

    Fulcon Not working on it anymore. Sorry.

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    585
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    I mean, I hated the quest the first time around too; it had no bearing on the main plot whatsoever and was only impactful because 'Hisako is wooby'. I hoped to fix that with this iteration and just made it worse.

    Objection overruled. Naruto isn't depicted as someone who trains until the Land of Waves arc, with it's embryo being discovered when he ripped the shadow clone jutsu from the Kinjutsu scroll.

    I mean, you aren't wrong.

    I actually wasn't trying to make a reference, but if it works, it works. :)

    Thank you! Have a cookie. :)

    Appreciate that, thanks for the compliment.
     
    Kalaong and MasterMarx like this.
  6. anirocks

    anirocks always lurking

    Joined:
    May 25, 2019
    Messages:
    2,554
    Likes Received:
    14,650
    [​IMG]
    tbfh i literally forgot that jashin exist since he didnt play any role in part of original. he appeared during the god's introduction and kaiju taming. so jashin and other gods are interfering mc's growth. thats one way of solving his unbalanced growth he had in original. though this rises some questions
    1. is jashin the only god active or is the life god active as well
    2. is zetsu aware that the gods are active. bcoz if zetsu knows cue worm escalation:)(tho since naruto is a shonen show and mc is a shonen protagonist it may work in daisuke's favor:sneaky:)
    3. will this fic feature the otsusuki and their god from boruto and generally characters, tech etc from boruto as well
     
    Coldbluestreak and Relyt33 like this.
  7. Fulcon

    Fulcon Not working on it anymore. Sorry.

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    585
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    Shinigami and Jashin are it.

    No.

    I have no intention of including anything from Boruto because I don't know or care to know anything about that time period.
     
  8. MasterMarx

    MasterMarx The Most Ridiculous Boss

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    7,773
    Ah, yeah, that makes sense. A way to fix the lack of impact on the main plot might be having Hiashi try to actually build a working acquaintanceship with him as a result of the mission instead of just going "hey, you can go ahead and woo my daughter," dragging him more into village inter-clan politics as a result? I know you avoided that last time around due to Daisuke's low CHA being a more serious concern back then, but why not bring it in as a serious repercussion of the foiling of this kidnapping attempt?
     
    Relyt33 and Fulcon like this.
  9. Fulcon

    Fulcon Not working on it anymore. Sorry.

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    585
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    Right now, it's because rewrites trigger me (not literally, but you know what I mean).
     
  10. IdrisXY

    IdrisXY Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    3
    Of course it would be my luck that it is precisely the three or so days that I don't check on QQ that you dump three entire new chapters. Of course.

    It's a bit of a shame the explanation scene in Chapter 15 is in third-person as opposed to, say, an interlude from the viewpoint of one of the characters. It feels a bit dry to me - don't know exactly why, maybe because it doesn't have any thoughts of the teammates, but only lines of dialogue and action descriptions? And yes, Daisuke does kinda look like a massive douche for being this ignorant, despite not lacking Charisma at the moment, of the fact that his teammates might be worried about him.

    As for the Naruto interlude, uhh, wow. There's stupidity, and then there's seeing nothing wrong with a person he's been in contact with being wanted for questioning and possibly treason. I do wonder what Satoshi possibly intends to gain from teaching (well, trying to teach anyway) him about consent, though.
     
  11. MasterMarx

    MasterMarx The Most Ridiculous Boss

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    7,773
    That's fair, just thought I'd make the suggestion.
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  12. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Not too sore, are you?

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    916
    Still has potential for future use though. The helping Hinata plan gets demonstrably harder, and easier, in various ways, because Hiashi is actively trying to make a working relationship.

    He'd get the ability to sway favors, but also Hiashi is actually trying to interact with him.... In addition to having a much harder time trying to be sneaky about plans to get Hinata out of there without marrying her.... Gross. Just.... Gross.
     
    Fulcon and MasterMarx like this.
  13. MasterMarx

    MasterMarx The Most Ridiculous Boss

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    7,773
    Hiashi shouldn't be in the mood to schmooze until the branch member and everyone else is safely behind the village walls, anyway, so it wouldn't need to be included in any sort of rewrite aside from maybe a request to speak to Daisuke later on.
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  14. Fulcon

    Fulcon Not working on it anymore. Sorry.

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    585
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    Think...think nows the time for a long break again.

    Sorry, I just hate screwing up over and over.
     
  15. MasterMarx

    MasterMarx The Most Ridiculous Boss

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    7,773
    It's all good, my man- mistakes are a part of life, but if you really need the time to just cool off then I'd say go for it.
     
  16. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Not too sore, are you?

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    916
    I will never begrudge a man his recuperative me-time. Rest, relax, wait to come back until you're comfortable coming back. Maybe in the interim we'll shoot the shit about the quality of local eateries or something similarly low stakes. We just had a new local soul-food place open that we're planning on testing in the near future.
     
  17. MasterMarx

    MasterMarx The Most Ridiculous Boss

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    7,773
    Words of wisdom I have never heard so fine.


    ... What style of cuisine is the restaurant? Soul-food tends to be pretty broad.
     
    Coldbluestreak likes this.
  18. SebazuD

    SebazuD Experienced.

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2014
    Messages:
    2,607
    Likes Received:
    17,828
    Chapter 4
    [​IMG]
     
    nirmtheworm and Coldbluestreak like this.
  19. Fulcon

    Fulcon Not working on it anymore. Sorry.

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    585
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    I'm just starting to realize that my values and the values of most people are growing increasingly incompatible.

    Thanks.

    Fine.

    Story's a failure and I'm done.
     
    Warer, Eye Lurker and MasterMarx like this.
  20. Mr Beaver Buttington

    Mr Beaver Buttington Harsh and occasionally fair.

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2018
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    1,129
     
    paloswag, Coldbluestreak and JoTa34 like this.
  21. Fulcon

    Fulcon Not working on it anymore. Sorry.

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    585
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    Story's done. I can't write a damn side character in a way that makes sense to me and the values I want to include in this story are just getting me flamed.

    I'm done. No more fanfics from me. I'm out.
     
  22. Fulgurata

    Fulgurata Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2022
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    16
    • Do not necro. This is against Rule 7.
    Nooo...
    :(

    Thanks for everything so far dude, hope your other endeavors are going great.
     
Loading...