Things you don't expect to find while browsing Amazon

A review for a silent computer mouse:

"My girlfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up because I would keep her awake at night with my constant mouse clicking. NOT ANYMORE! Consider this relationship saved.
This mouse is so silent she will sometimes forget I'm even home and invite her lover over. He's a pretty cool guy. "

Made me laugh, so I felt like sharing it. Feel free to share interesting finds of your own.

 

Does that mean he got NTR'd?

 

A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates has some sassy reviews.

The Best of David Hasslehoff, a music compilation.

There is little doubt now that David Husselshaft is a major force in the music business these days. I've already been a fan for many years, but an amazing thing happened recently which I have to share. The doctor said my dog Cherish had only days to live. Desperate for any sign of recovery, I played this CD in the garage for him 24/7, and not only did my dog die, but so did 2 cats and all of my plants. My neighbor came down with a rare form of stomach virus, the one causes massive cramping and explosive diarrhea. Boy did I prove that doctor wrong!
The song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.

 

...

What the fuck.

I am both amused and disturbed by that revelation.

 

Industrial Strength Boot Laces 72"

"Great laces, even better than leather laces with no break in period. They work great for boots or for choking yourself at night"

Thanks for sharing, autoerotic asphyxiation enthusiast.

 

ether that's an open relationship or the reviewer is joking.

 

I've got a bunch of them bookmarked.

Playmobil Security Check Point

"Get it now as soon it will no longer be available. TSA has requested that this product be removed from the market. It was deemed a security risk as it is virtually identical to the actual training material used to train TSA agents."

Uranium Ore

"I purchased this along with 4 turtles and a rat.

18 years worth of karate lessons later, I finally feel safe to leave my house at night."

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

"I am an acquisitions officer for an artillery unit in the Russian Army. Since mafia hooligans stole all of our equipment to sell to Kyrgyzstani rebels, we have been looking for a low-cost alternative to the T-80 Main Battle Tank. After successful trials at a facility in Moscow, this so-called "Badonkadonk" was approved for use in the Chechen theatre. Initial reports were favorable, but then somebody noticed that the tank lacked a cannon, treads, and armor, and possessed the engine of an electric bicycle. It did, however, have an excellent audio system, but this failed to compensate for its disappointing 100% mortality rate. Recommended only for use against Lithuanians."


UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies.

"I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFO's on a regular basis."

"I must have been thinking "what the hell?" when I bought it on one of my drunk internet shopping sprees. Usually those are bad decisions which I end up returning. I'm not sure how I even came across this device.
When it came to my doorstep I scratched my head, asking myself, "Oh, good lord, what did I buy now?" When I cracked it open I had a good laugh. I couldn't resist testing it out.
The strangest thing happened. It went off. Like, it REALLY went off. There was no one around. My cat was in the far back room. So I shut it off and waited for my fiance to come home. I was with him when he turned it on and sure enough it acted possessed again. He was about to tinker with it to see where the problem was when I went outside to check our mailbox.
The moment I left the front door, it stopped. When I came back in, it lit up like the fourth of July.
Like any concerned person, I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. After several doctor appointments, cat scans, and psychological exams, I could think of no one else to turn to. Except the church.
The Church of Scientology, that is.
I found out I'm not alone. There are about 8 million of us thetans out there waiting to find our way back home, to each other.
My life is forever changed. Now when I look into the sky, I don't ask "are we alone?" Instead I look at the stars and see my long-lost home, from which I and my people were exiled.
Earth is a prison. Xenu be damned. If I ever find his wretched soul I will kill him."


How to Avoid Huge Ships Paperback – March, 1993

"Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined."

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

"If God does not exist, then how is it that a banana fits so perfectly in this banana slicer? CHECKMATE, ATHEISTS!"

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable

"After I took delivery of my $500 Denon AKDL1 Cat-5 uber-cable, Al Gore was mysteriously drawn to my home, where he pronounced that Global Warming had been suspended in my vicinity.
Yes, I had perfect weather: no flooding, no tornadoes, the exact amount of rain necessary, and he pronounced sea levels exactly right and that they were not going to rise within five miles of my house.
Additionally, my cars began achieving 200 mpg and I didn't even need gasoline. I was able to put three grams of cat litter into the tank and drive forever.
What's more, the atmosphere inside my home became 93% oxygen and virtually no carbon dioxide. In fact, I now exhale oxygen.
One heck of a cable.
Didn't notice any improvement in audio quality though.
The $800 Apple iCable is clearly superior. "