Random dude from Earth lands in Lungmen, selling things that may or may not be magical. The cart is normal, don't think too hard on it. It's not an SCP, trust me, bro.
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| User | Total |
|---|---|
| Paracsus | 6 |
Great story.
Minor continuity snarl I noticed in the Interlude.
Exusiai mentioned the MC by his name, but he never told her it. That's why he's called Mr. Seller by her.
Was that intentional or did my reading comprehension fail me and I missed something?
Ok, cool. Thanks for the confirmation. And it's fine. I was just wondering since I didn't see any scene where Arno revealed his name and thought that his real name was only going to be revealed to the Arknights cast after several Operator-equivalent missions/events.Arno told her at some point from repeated visits. Mr. Seller is just a nickname she made for him. Sorry if it seems like a continuity error; each chapter takes place at least a few days from each other unless I say so. This is so that things don't look like they happen super quickly.
Ok, cool. Thanks for the confirmation. And it's fine. I was just wondering since I didn't see any scene where Arno revealed his name and thought that his real name was only going to be revealed to the Arknights cast after several Operator-equivalent missions/events.
Agreed. And it came off as the starting phase of a protection racketI like it so far. Only criticism I have is for chapter 5. In the middle of it, with the talk between Texas, Exusiai, and Arno, it felt like I was rereading the same two paragraphs a few times over. No details added, only slight variation in the words used. Very confusing.
Another continuity issue: early on he mentions that the cart doesn't like him leaving money with I and "ownership is important". Later, he's storing coins below the counter and paper money elsewhere and the cart only gives him exactly as much money as he needs.
Which also leads to another minor issue: in that case why does he worry about counting change?
Agreed. And it came off as the starting phase of a protection racket
Edit: Also, I imagine at least one of the groups that put him under observation wonders where the hell he gets his supplies
I tried to extend it a little more because the first part felt a little too one-and-done. Guess it didn't turn out right, but I couldn't think of a way to extend it since Arno and PL aren't that close yet. Friendly, but not yet exactly friends. Getting there though. Arno gave them the bars due to an inkling that something might go wrong.I like it so far. Only criticism I have is for chapter 5. In the middle of it, with the talk between Texas, Exusiai, and Arno, it felt like I was rereading the same two paragraphs a few times over. No details added, only slight variation in the words used. Very confusing.
Which made it all the weirder when they randomly became his self-appointed guards for two days (after the problem had already passed, at that)I tried to extend it a little more because the first part felt a little too one-and-done. Guess it didn't turn out right, but I couldn't think of a way to extend it since Arno and PL aren't that close yet. Friendly, but not yet exactly friends. Getting there though. Arno gave them the bars due to an inkling that something might go wrong.
Which made it all the weirder when they randomly became his self-appointed guards for two days (after the problem had already passed, at that)
Which made it all the weirder when they randomly became his self-appointed guards for two days (after the problem had already passed, at that)
*gasp* IT'S THE MAN HIMSELF!Not guards of him, but of public peace. People are talking shit, they expected something to pop off. Maybe someone takes a swing and Arno, maybe Arno reveals his villain side.
Maybe they find his supplier and cut out the merchant.
Plenty of good reason to sit on a merchant and gather intel, moreso if he's not gonna be cagey and lets it happen.
That said, I like the story! You've become the human functionary to a Cryptid foodtruck that, to my understanding of subtext, gains power from sales and wants to keep its shit under the radar (At least for now).
Very cool. Apreciate the lack of gamification and no 'immortality and no violence zone' effects. Lets the story grow more naturally, lets simple violence be a actual plot instead of bigger and bigger sales or more and more game breaking out of context answers being sold.
Definitely watching. Also, thanks for the shoutout in your opening chapter, dude. Glad you liked it.