Celestial Sandstorm

[GeomZii]

Yes I absolutely hate this. The MC/Hero gets a special boost or powers and suddenly his enemies must as well. It is annoying and bad writing in my opinion. I also dislike it when they take the thing that makes the MC special and makes it so anyone can use/do it.

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He is only 10 years and in academy, he is strong enough. No one else will be able to bend earth or any other celsestial grimoire perk.

 

[GeomZii]

If you want him to have slower growth simplify hold back strong perks or slow the perk gain rate dont nerf them thats no fun. Nerfs to your protagonist and buffs to his enemies never ends well when writing fiction. You have other levers you can use for example you can keep rerolling in the background and vetoing perks until you find one that fits your needed scaling . No need to go for the nerf hammer which is almost universally hated by readers.

If you dont want him too dependent on his system for gains make him use metaknowledge to get ahead there are tons and tons of opportunities abound in the naurto world inside filler content. The sky village, dragon vain, box of bliss, chakra meteor, chakra armor, 4 great chakra ninja tools etc. Still you are after all writing a celestial fic so his system should at least be the main feature of his power growth.

You have fully shown mc earning his gains by training like crazy and being cautions so no need to hold back his perk gains on that account. If anything you are leaning a bit too far on his own efforts while all he is getting is a mere 1.1x training boost while his bending is not combat capable and his magica has been nerfed into yin chakra, the only good perk he has is the genius at healing and the int plus perfect memory perk.

As you are not actually using the celestial grimoire but your custom cut down version do mention that in the tags or intro.

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Those are very far off spoilers, perhaps when he is 20 years old. I dont want to introduce another energy system that is all, other perks will be op like they are. Magicka and Chi didnot get nerf, merely translated. They increased his chakra reserves quantity, quality , make them dense and balanced. Thus increasing his control.

 

[GeomZii]

Those are very far off spoilers, perhaps when he is 20 years old. I dont want to introduce another energy system that is all, other perks will be op like they are. Magicka and Chi didnot get nerf, merely translated. They increased his chakra reserves quantity, quality , make them dense and balanced. Thus increasing his control.

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If you want him to have slower growth simplify hold back strong perks or slow the perk gain rate dont nerf them thats no fun. Nerfs to your protagonist and buffs to his enemies never ends well when writing fiction. You have other levers you can use for example you can keep rerolling in the background and vetoing perks until you find one that fits your needed scaling . No need to go for the nerf hammer which is almost universally hated by readers.

If you dont want him too dependent on his system for gains make him use metaknowledge to get ahead there are tons and tons of opportunities abound in the naurto world inside filler content. The sky village, dragon vain, box of bliss, chakra meteor, chakra armor, 4 great chakra ninja tools etc. Still you are after all writing a celestial fic so his system should at least be the main feature of his power growth.

You have fully shown mc earning his gains by training like crazy and being cautions so no need to hold back his perk gains on that account. If anything you are leaning a bit too far on his own efforts while all he is getting is a mere 1.1x training boost while his bending is not combat capable and his magica has been nerfed into yin chakra, the only good perk he has is the genius at healing and the int plus perfect memory perk.

As you are not actually using the celestial grimoire but your custom cut down version do mention that in the tags or intro.

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Should I introduce another energy system or not??? like Cursed energy, haki, Magic, Ki etc in naruto fanfic.

 

[GeomZii]

Honestly mc is not a genius at all, in the ninja world real geniuses are jonin strength by 7 years old. Picking healing for his genius perk was a waste his village does not have a deep healing jutsu tradition and wont be able to steal anything until Konoha makes the healing jutsu series and system in the first place. Mc should have picked something like puppetry which his village is actually best at.

Converting all his perks to chakra based also has huge drawbacks, for example can his now converted magica perk actually use magica spells? In addition now any 'magica' use is able to be interfered with by chakra and lets not forget how deep control the freaking aliens have over chakra.

If his rolls don't speed up he is doomed as the scaling of the Naruto world reaches all the way up to godhood.

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The youngest Jounin is Kakashi, who was 12 years old at the time.

 

[Isebas]

He is only 10 years and in academy, he is strong enough. No one else will be able to bend earth or any other celsestial grimoire perk.

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I wasn't specifically complaining about this story. I'm very much enjoying it and have absolutely no problems with his rate of progression. I was talking in general I dislike it when authors/stories do that.

I think you could either way with the different power systems. Personally I like having more than just chakra but I can see how it would really effect the story and might complicate it more than you would like.

 

[GeomZii]

I wasn't specifically complaining about this story. I'm very much enjoying it and have absolutely no problems with his rate of progression. I was talking in general I dislike it when authors/stories do that.

I think you could either way with the different power systems. Personally I like having more than just chakra but I can see how it would really effect the story and might complicate it more than you would like.

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The only thing stopping me is that a different energy source will be visible to everyone, even non sensors will be able to tell he is not using chakra but something suspicious. And in ninja world that doesn't end well. Even star chakra, natural chakra etc. are some forms of chakra.

 

[Trek]

The only thing stopping me is that a different energy source will be visible to everyone, even non sensors will be able to tell he is not using chakra but something suspicious. And in ninja world that doesn't end well. Even star chakra, natural chakra etc. are some forms of chakra.

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I mean why would they be able to sense it, chakra is quite good at sensing itself but sucks at sensing anything else like the dragon time energy, nature energy etc. There is no reason anyone would be able to sense different energies inside mcs body when all the chakra sensors and bloodlines have been bred to only sense other chakra.

As for the risks of reveal it will only push mc to grow stronger faster.

 

[November_5hit]

I couldn't read the chapter at all. There were too many grammar mistakes and everything looked like it was written by AI, which is odd, because AI usually handles grammar well, though… is not as good with phrasing or fluidity.

Also, when you heap so much praise on your protagonist, try not to make it sound so exaggerated or blunt. In real life, most people don't adore someone that intensely, not even if the person is in fact the GOAT, and even then, such praise is usually meant as a well meant joke or exaggeration.

 

[GeomZii]

I couldn't read the chapter at all. There were too many grammar mistakes and everything looked like it was written by AI, which is odd, because AI usually handles grammar well, though… is not as good with phrasing or fluidity.

Also, when you heap so much praise on your protagonist, try not to make it sound so exaggerated or blunt. In real life, most people don't adore someone that intensely, not even if the person is in fact the GOAT, and even then, such praise is usually meant as a well meant joke or exaggeration.

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As suggested by readers, I am now using Grammarly for grammar correction for my next chapters. But Grammarly English makes my head hurts. I have only be able to edit a few paragraphs.
As I had said before , English language is spoken in so many different ways across the globe.


Yes, I agree. But Kids and old people are different. And Our modern world and peaceful society cannot compare to the always warring Ninja world with very less access to open knowledge and news.



How do you all guys edit your chapters???

 

[AwkwardArithmancer]

I like how perks are translated to the Naruto world's native power system.

Naruto world's power system is ridiculous permissible to adopt other things.

There are enchanted artifacts (like the Kiri swords).
There's straight up demons.
Rituals and vows like what Hidan does.
Religious elements that aren't really explored in canon. Does Amaterasu exist? Buddha?

 

[Jc Davie]

Well, I'm not a real writer, but when I end up writing multiple paragraph text messages or comments, and I want to grammer check and such, I've found it helpful to read it out loud to myself. Because even if I can't spot my mistakes by scanning it a few times, they do come to me (the mistakes) more easily if I read it aloud .

I suppose this would only work well if English is your native language, though. Good luck

 

[Relyt118]

This story reads like it needs an "AI assisted" tag.

 

[GeomZii]

Well, I'm not a real writer, but when I end up writing multiple paragraph text messages or comments, and I want to grammer check and such, I've found it helpful to read it out loud to myself. Because even if I can't spot my mistakes by scanning it a few times, they do come to me (the mistakes) more easily if I read it aloud .

I suppose this would only work well if English is your native language, though. Good luck

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Yeah No, English is 3rd language I learned and had not been in use in speaking since 17 years.

 

[Reignofgeekaos]

All I can think of based off the title is this


View: https://youtu.be/y6120QOlsfU?si=i7jLN73-ZDns9Q7s

 

[CthulhuWarlock]

This is really good so far !!! I can't wait to see how the mc develops and what butterflies he will bring to the fate of the elemental nations !

 

[Midnight198]

Great story it has its errors and needs some editing but the story concepts and the way you are using the grimoire are amazing

 

[GeomZii]

Great story it has its errors and needs some editing but the story concepts and the way you are using the grimoire are amazing

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Yes, I am working on all the errors and editing it.

 

[He-Who-Is-I]

What is the point of these dashes? I generally don't knit pick like this, but they were really jarring to me.

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ai probably

 

[Mr.Wizzard]

These children do not talk like children.

 

[BlankFox]

How was he an instructor for 37 years when you wrote in a previous chapter that the academy was recently made a thing?

 

[GeomZii]

How was he an instructor for 37 years when you wrote in a previous chapter that the academy was recently made a thing?

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Thank you.
Before the academy and even before the village, there has to be some form private tutioning, even of it is not in shinobi arts,
Also only first chapter is completed, the rest 8 chapters upto chapter 9 are drafts. I am working and editing on it.

 

[Hanada]

Kinda wild he gave up flying, if he wanted to impress the Kazekage that would've been a lot better not to mention being poster boy of your country's element

Should I introduce another energy system or not??? like Cursed energy, haki, Magic, Ki etc in naruto fanfic.

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Haki would be fine i think since it can seamlessly integrate, CE isn't worth it and if Ki is from DBZ its too op.

Nen is interesting if the MC is willing to put in the time -training would take a while so the sooner the better- but it could be a great trump card just based on basic and advanced techniques not even mentioning Hatsu.

 

[Qem1ng]

How do you all guys edit your chapters???

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Being good at it or having a good beta reader

CE isn't worth it

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ITS even worse, CE would come with cursed spirits ya dont want this crap If ya can avoid IT!

 

[Hanada]

I've been rethinking it and I think Nen would be great, I kinda forgot that any rolls assimilate so any Nen ability would simply become chakra techniques.

Especially if he ends up with manipulation (which i do think fits him regardless). He can take the puppetry route, his healing would be a big plus and if he pushes earthbending enough rock/metal puppets could be an option.

 

[GeomZii]

I've been rethinking it and I think Nen would be great, I kinda forgot that any rolls assimilate so any Nen ability would simply become chakra techniques.

Especially if he ends up with manipulation (which i do think fits him regardless). He can take the puppetry route, his healing would be a big plus and if he pushes earthbending enough rock/metal puppets could be an option.

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So can be cursed energy or especially RCT, which will suit his healing perk.

 

[Hanada]

So can be cursed energy or especially RCT, which will suit his healing perk.

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CE I think isn't that compatible. RCT works best for self instead of others so its actually not that fitting besides there isn't a lot it can bring to the table.

Normal strengthening could be done with chakra or any system really, most CEs require either a lot of build up or body modifications to work.

You could probably add Ten Shadows as a summoning contract but otherwise the rest is better

 

[Mrcuak]

Love the series so far @GeomZii

I like the way Kaito is Pushing himself and also others.

Sadly his Paranoid Nature made him not want to stand up and show earth bending for resources.

I think he is Paranoid because cannon did not show much of Suna village and it´s structure and he is correct to assume his appearance change things.

I like the Perks you have given so far.

At first i did not understand Earth bending as your choice, i was expecting air bending as many other readers.

But a sentence you wrote struck me as to "Why" , Earth Bending is really tailor made for Suna.

That sentence was when you described Suna economy.

Besides the uses of "Crystal Release" , the most prominent would be the uses of "Sand Release" (Given the terrain).

And "Earth Release" combined with "Mud Release".

Plus the fact he can make "Clay Release" plus "Coal Release" a thing.

Another bending would be "Obsidian Bending".

Another Bending would be "Asbestos and Uranophane Bending".

And before i forget , the Taijutsu of the Mc should attempt to which each hit try to control the iron in the blood.

And The mc can fly using "Dust Devils" ( Yeah , earthbenders can do crazy things with Dust).

I honestly don´t know whether Suna is that way because of the climate or if there is a "Leyline" in that place , given that Roran entrance was basically near Suna.

Either way , if it´s because of the climate , with the Help of clay plus ( Later on) he could make a way to move some waters into the village with Earth bending.

I am gonna asume that "YUN" from Avatar Kyoshi is basically an example of the "Future Mc".

So that Means the Mc would be able to "Liquify Earth and Vaporize it(Rock Vapor)".

We can expect Mc gets adopted , either by the Kazekage ( As he won´t let go of the Mc if he knows the true potential of Earth Bending) or other powerfull figure from another faction.

Magnetization by earth bending will be dope to see.

A good perk that would REALLY compliment the Mc would be the "GAIA ROAD" From Air gear ( It would compliment the mc with it´s applications such as:

• Using the piezoelectric effect, riders can paralyze opponents by numbing them.
• Creating seismic waves to create a 'Sonar' that reveals information about the opponents.
• Creating vibrations to levitate objects and induce seismic activity.)

Air gear roads can really make unique applications in the Ninja world.


Another interesting perk that would be insane to Mc build would be a "Dragon/God Slayer Lacrima" , to further cement and make earth his core element.

You could implant him the "Earth Dragon/God Slayer Lacrima" or the "Cavern Dragon/God Slayer Lacrima" ( The difference is in utility).

Edit: Plus , given how the God/Dragon Slayers Recharge(By eating the element) , you wouldn´t need to introduce another system.

Anyway , i love the series so far.

 

[GeomZii]

Love the series so far @GeomZii

I like the way Kaito is Pushing himself and also others.

Sadly his Paranoid Nature made him not want to stand up and show earth bending for resources.

I think he is Paranoid because cannon did not show much of Suna village and it´s structure and he is correct to assume his appearance change things.

I like the Perks you have given so far.

At first i did not understand Earth bending as your choice, i was expecting air bending as many other readers.

But a sentence you wrote struck me as to "Why" , Earth Bending is really tailor made for Suna.

That sentence was when you described Suna economy.

Besides the uses of "Crystal Release" , the most prominent would be the uses of "Sand Release" (Given the terrain).

And "Earth Release" combined with "Mud Release".

Plus the fact he can make "Clay Release" plus "Coal Release" a thing.

Another bending would be "Obsidian Bending".

Another Bending would be "Asbestos and Uranophane Bending".

And before i forget , the Taijutsu of the Mc should attempt to which each hit try to control the iron in the blood.

And The mc can fly using "Dust Devils" ( Yeah , earthbenders can do crazy things with Dust).

I honestly don´t know whether Suna is that way because of the climate or if there is a "Leyline" in that place , given that Roran entrance was basically near Suna.

Either way , if it´s because of the climate , with the Help of clay plus ( Later on) he could make a way to move some waters into the village with Earth bending.

I am gonna asume that "YUN" from Avatar Kyoshi is basically an example of the "Future Mc".

So that Means the Mc would be able to "Liquify Earth and Vaporize it(Rock Vapor)".

We can expect Mc gets adopted , either by the Kazekage ( As he won´t let go of the Mc if he knows the true potential of Earth Bending) or other powerfull figure from another faction.

Magnetization by earth bending will be dope to see.

A good perk that would REALLY compliment the Mc would be the "GAIA ROAD" From Air gear ( It would compliment the mc with it´s applications such as:

• Using the piezoelectric effect, riders can paralyze opponents by numbing them.
• Creating seismic waves to create a 'Sonar' that reveals information about the opponents.
• Creating vibrations to levitate objects and induce seismic activity.)

Air gear roads can really make unique applications in the Ninja world.


Another interesting perk that would be insane to Mc build would be a "Dragon/God Slayer Lacrima" , to further cement and make earth his core element.

You could implant him the "Earth Dragon/God Slayer Lacrima" or the "Cavern Dragon/God Slayer Lacrima" ( The difference is in utility).

Edit: Plus , given how the God/Dragon Slayers Recharge(By eating the element) , you wouldn´t need to introduce another system.

Anyway , i love the series so far.

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Yes, glad you like it.
Just read my updated chapters every two weeks. I am currently finding my own pacing. I just wrote it unedited believing it will not be liked, but now I am finalizing chapters.

Ch 2 complete chapter will be posted on 17 Oct. @Mrcuak

Yes, many people underestimate power of money in fantasy world.
Air bending comes with its own limitations even in Avatar canon. But mostly it will make fighting safe and boring, feeling dangerous fly away, losing a fight fly away, someone powerful appears fly away.

 

[Mrcuak]

But mostly it will make fighting safe and boring, feeling dangerous fly away, losing a fight fly away, someone powerful appears fly away.

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It would also make him "Detach" because air benders gain flight that way.

Still , Earth kingdom also has it´s own medicines like "Acupunture" and such

Just read my updated chapters every two weeks. I am currently finding my own pacing. I just wrote it unedited believing it will not be liked, but now I am finalizing chapters.

Ch 2 complete chapter will be posted on 17 Oct

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Nice but is the series under a "Rewrite"? If not it would be chapter 10.

Yeah , take your time and don´t burn yourself with the series.

By the way , i wanted to ask , his earth bending comes with basically knowledge of how to use it to Medicine? Or does his other perks help him in that regard? Because if not Metal Prosthethics and basically Electromagnetism treatment is on the table to cure older ninjas.

 

[GeomZii]

It would also make him "Detach" because air benders gain flight that way.

Still , Earth kingdom also has it´s own medicines like "Acupunture" and such


Nice but is the series under a "Rewrite"? If not it would be chapter 10.

Yeah , take your time and don´t burn yourself with the series.

By the way , i wanted to ask , his earth bending comes with basically knowledge of how to use it to Medicine? Or does his other perks help him in that regard? Because if not Metal Prosthethics and basically Electromagnetism treatment is on the table to cure older ninjas.

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It is on heading of each chapters from ch 2
, Ch2 onwards are unedited drafts.

Earthbending comes with general earth bending knowledge, warrior katas of earth bending, generic earth bender fighting style etc. He can develop any sub bending art , sand bending, metalbending etc later on, if he works on it. He has the potential for it. Notice perk of earthbending is from Avatar- The last air bender.

No, he doesn't have any knowledge of medicine/healing. Only thing is has perk of healing talent that he chose.