.................
Murder is not the theft of a Mars Bar.
Yes, but practically speaking, is there that much difference between someone murdering 10,000 or 100,000 people? Your, or my, response to any person who did
either of those two things would be basically identical, despite a
order of magnitude difference between the two.
So... I don't want to say anything too insulting, but what you're describing sounds sort of like textbook sociopathy. Now, I'm not an expert by any measure of the word, but: Antisocial behavior such as a tendency to lash out at people that make you angry, coupled with a lack of a personal morality system.
I don't consider that insulting. I mean, I'm
pretty sure I'm crazy one way or another, so being
that particular brand of crazy wouldn't be that huge of a deal.
I'm not sure if
that's the reason behind it or not. It's... very complicated, trying to figure this stuff out. But, hmm... let me elaborate a little on the "can't be moral" thing. It might help illustrate the problem a bit.
So that sounds really weird, right? "Can't even
try, regardless of whether or not you'd fail? How's
that work?" Well, let me give a example of something else that should help clarify it: I have a hoarding problem.
"That's all well and, well, not good, but how does it relate?" Simple. I regularly keep trash, mainly food wrappings, etc. I acknowledge that this junk is useless and should be thrown out, I have absolutely no use for it, and in the astonishingly unlikely scenario that I really need a old candy wrapper, I can
get a new one more easily than digging through a pile. It causes many issues trying to keep the junk, and I'd be much better throwing it out. Put simply, I have
no delusions about actually needing or wanting any of it.
"So, why not just throw it out?" Well, that's a bit hard to describe. If I try to actually
get rid of any of it, it's...
unpleasant. And impossible. It's a bit like a increasingly frantic battle of will against who-the-fuck-knows-what, where my entire body locks up, and it requires constant concentration to even continue to consider throwing it out. Like something out of a bad fucking sci-fi novel about mind control, but I swear I'm telling the truth here.
So instead, I've just
very painstakingly mapped out the borders of this weird region of "YOU CANNOT THINK OR DO THIS" and learned to work
around it. I can compress trash, take it partially apart so it takes less room, I can get rid of food waste if it can
wash down a drain or be made to do so (so, almost all of it with a in-sink garbage disposal), I can leave stuff around so that
other people throw it out, and so on. If I think too much about it, it causes issues; if I see a piece of trash, and I'm not careful to
not think about it, I enter a sort of self-reinforcing loop where attempts to
not hoard it result in a stronger impulse to hoard it. I once almost ended up biking miles to a dump at 2 A.M. in a attempt to regain a
old blanket. But I've managed it
very carefully and taken steps to reduce the amount of waste I make, and so, even after years, I've managed to only have a few bins of old nick-nacks that I could stand to get rid of, and one small bin of containers of very compressed paper&plastic waste which is relatively clean and not-smelly.
There are other things, similar to this. Anger and lashing out, for one (actually never at
people; not physically anyway, I absolutely argue the fuck out of people on the internet. But I have broken
many keyboards and computer monitors). A annoying habit of occasionally having no choice but to blink both eyes, simultaneously,
twice, at every dot-like punctuation or line, 4x for lowercase "i", and 4x for lowercase "j". Touching surfaces with
both hands, or in extreme cases with every single digit
exactly the same number of times. It goes on.
This could perhaps illuminate what I mean when I say that I am
incapable of being good by my own definition. After all, one puts rather less faith in free will, when you will yourself to
not do something and then
do it anyway.
Frequently.